The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 73 - Mick Molloy

Episode Date: February 22, 2012

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This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is sponsored by Punchline. Head to punchline.com.au to find the best comedy in the world on DVD. Hey mates, welcome into The Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Now let's talk about this, people may have noticed up the top here before the music came in, we've got ads now. We've gone pro. We've sold out.

We've officially sold out. Yeah, well, that's going to be the obvious thing that people are going to say. They've sold out. But we should- We've held off. No, we've taken our first offer. Yeah, we should- The first offer that came in.

Yeah, we've sold out, but we should make it known that we are probably making about $8 each off of this deal. So don't feel like we're big fat cats now. We're still the same little dum-dums that you've always loved. We're not complete corporate shills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if we are, we're extremely cheap ones. We're not going to be erecting giant concrete pillars out the front of a little dum-dum

clubhouse now or anything like that. Having said that, Tommy is wearing a punchline hat, T-shirt, shoes, and sunglasses. And I did get a chauffeur in here. I've used up both of our mon I did get a chauffeur in here I've used up both of our monies To get a chauffeur in here And the car was made entirely of punchline DVDs Let's get into it Let's not fuck around for too long

Our guest today You'll surely know him He's one of the greats of radio Please welcome into the little dum-dum club Mick Malloy You guys have changed You guys have changed. You guys have changed.

Whatever the Carl and Tommy idea. All of a sudden, it's a little corporate in here. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Well, this is how we've managed to get the big-name guests now with the $8 a day that we're getting in. I sniffed a dollar. I thought, hang on, talk about selling out. We used to get in trouble all those years ago when we were doing, Hang on.

Talk about selling out. We used to get in trouble all those years ago when we were doing, we were on Fox. It was our first big radio show. We'll be getting money from them now too, which is good. Yeah, great. They used to say to us, oh, mate, you should go to Triple R. Triple R, why don't you go to Triple R?

We go, well, Triple R. It's like preaching to the converted because everyone was already on board on Triple R. We were going out there to those suburbs, those places, Craigieburn. We made Craigieburn our own on that network. Sometimes without free cans of Coke, so it was a hard sell. Not often. Oh, right. Not often.

A free can of Coke and a Mariah Carey CD was pretty much how we threw to most songs for many years. That was the initial offer from Punchline DVD to us, which we bumped up to $8. Mariah's been very loyal to them. They've been putting her out for years. People have been saying you should move on. Saying she's not funny. Why do you keep doing it?

I'd be worried if I was Mariah Carey because you see what happened to Whitney Houston. When she died, the record company put her records up to twice the price. Oh, yeah. Mariah Carey could be involved in a bizarre hit and run any day now. If I know record company producers that, I don't care. Punchline jacking up the price of her bootleg, her rare ventriloquism DVD that she put out.

That Mariah Carey live at the Comics Lounge. I'd like to see that. That would be amazing. That has happened and I think Netflix have done it as well with The Bodyguard. They jacked the price of it up. Like, a whole bunch of different things have jacked the price of her catalogue up and then tried to claim,

oh, it's just a weird, it was a stock take error. It's just a weird coincidence that it happened two hours after she died. It was good to see Kevin Costner at Whitney Houston's funeral, wasn't it? I think it gives him, it's good for him to soak in that atmosphere. It gives him a sense of what a cinema would be like, screening one of his own films.

I think he needs to know that, don't you think? He was looking more astute on top, I thought. I'm not a fan of Kevin Costner films, and I'll tell you, this is one. He did a film called The Upside of Anger, where he was playing an alcoholic, like a hardcore alcoholic. And you know when you go and see films with people who have an area of expertise? Like if you go and see a film that's set around an airport

and you're with a pilot, he'll go, oh, as if an A380 would put in a flight plan like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they know what they're talking about. Yeah, exactly. Or if you go with a doctor, he'll go, oh, look, a nurse would never have clearance for a code blue. I was doing the same thing, watching him play an alcoholic.

I'm going, oh, as if he'd have food in the fridge. Oh, look, his shirt's ironed. Oh, this guy knows nothing. It's an idiot. Oh, he's woken up with a girl and he knows her name. You're in the cinema with a little brown paper bag. That's right. So good luck, Kevin Costner.

We've got you in here, Mick, straight after your breakfast shift. So we've got you to do a bit of OT here. And we're still waking up and you're just on form. You've been racing for four hours now. I am, and I'm not naturally a morning person. So I have to set three alarms every morning, one of which is an ECG machine. Because I tell you what, at 5 o'clock in the morning, you've got your work cut out waking

me up. So you're here at 9am. This is 9am, or a bit after 9am now. What would you usually do at 9am at the end of the working day at the 5 o'clock? Straight off to TGIS or what happens then? I'll find a happy hour somewhere in the local vicinity. Look, generally I go back to my house. I spend the morning in the basement.

I make a suit out of human skin. See how that goes. Is that every day? Most days. Like all the radio greats. Yeah. It's like a sweatshop down there. I've got a team of people making suits out of human skins very cheaply.

Yeah, you can see that in the results now because the love's out of it. There's no love in it. It's just an assembly line of human skin suits now. Everyone's got one. They used to be special. Anyway, what do you do? Yeah, but we're coming to the Melbourne Comedy Festival and Adelaide Comedy Festival, Adelaide Fringe Festival, I should say.

So you've been working around town on new material for your stand-up show? I have. I'm not doing Melbourne Comedy Festival this year, but I'm going back to Adelaide. My previous appearance in Adelaide was at the Supreme Court. I'm looking forward to making it. Just capitalise on that publicity. Yeah, making an appearance in Adelaide where I don't have my jacket pulled over my head. But full houses, though, yeah?

That's right, yeah. So you don't want to go back and do the same gear you did there, obviously. So you're working on new stuff. I am working on new stuff. So, look, it's going to be fun. I always enjoy going back to Adelaide. I've got a bit of Snowtown gear. So I find that.

They'll love that. They do. Well, that's what – I remember Glenn Robbins, when he said to me once, because I do the show with Glenn over there, and when he found out I was in the Adelaide Supreme Court, he goes to me and he goes, oh, that's interesting. So if you go to jail, would you go to jail in Melbourne or in Adelaide?

I said, well, it'd be in Adelaide. He goes, all right, so you could be shacked up with a snow town car. I was like, oh, well, that's a nice thought, Glenn. Thanks a lot for thinking of me. That is an outside broadcast if ever I've heard one. That would be stunning. Thanks, Uncle Arthur, for that one. That's a nice thought, Glenn. Thanks a lot for thinking of me. That is an outside broadcast if ever I've heard one. That would be stunning. Thanks, Uncle Arthur, for that one. That's nice.

I'd like to turn that into a musical of some description, I reckon. Snowtown. It sounds like it's tailor-made. There's a song in there about a barrel somewhere. Now, you've been going around town, working on your gear, going to little clubs. I've seen you around been going around town, working on your gear, going to little clubs. And I've seen you around at night so far, which I quite like the other night when you... Because you've done your work. You've done hard work.

You've come in. You've got a new 20 minutes. Yes. And you've been busting that out. And you came in going, oh, gee, I've got all the brand new stuff. You don't want to have the old stuff. Meanwhile, your partner's in crime for the show, for Glenn Robbins and Jeff Stilson. They've been going around town working on their five minutes

from, I believe, 1987. They're still honing that. I was backstage lip-syncing along to some of their material. Just working on gear that got laughs from fine young cannibals on Letterman. Jeff is back. I think his point of difference is this year he's grown a beard he looks like he could be cooking up

a bit of moonshine out the back of every gig yeah he's working in your human skin sweatshop I think yeah that's right what is it with a beard

is the beard making a comeback is it yeah I blame the guy from what's that Hangover Hangover did he pioneer this whole

I think that's it yeah it might have been it. The comedy beard, that's for sure. He's brought that in. Yeah. What if getting fat became the real hipster thing, you know, as well, like on the Zach Galifianakis train? Yeah, well, he's got fat, but we haven't seen, yeah, well, apart from you,

hasn't really caught on. No, you've actually, no, we've talked about Tommy's weight a fair bit. He has really skimmed off. He has lost quite a few kilos. What's the secret, Tommy? What's your plan? I've been running a lot. Not drinking a lot during the week was a big one.

Let's not go mad here. See, here's what I've thought. I've been watching these weight loss programs, and to me, the key to losing weight is just bawling your fucking eyes out. Yeah. Constantly. That show should be called Fat People on the Blub. Coming up after Nebers.

Fat People on the Blub. It does seem to be, and they get it in God. Well, that's getting a lot of salt out of your diet, I guess, if you're crying a lot. So that seems sensible. A sodium-free diet. It just seems to be that that's the show of our era, isn't it? Yeah.

A lot of Fatty Boombas. Fatty Boombas. There's the show. Yeah. I've been asked to do both, by the way. I was asked to do, originally, there was a show called Celebrity Overhaul. Yep. You may remember.

I was asked to do that. And it's always funny because when your manager comes to you, in this case it's my brother, rings up laughing and going, I guess what you've been asked to do. Was that the case with this today? Yeah, we laughed for about 20 minutes. So I was asked to do that celebrity rehab. Yep.

That was one. They were pioneering at one stage. On the other side of the coin, me and Tommy have just been asked to do overhaul and rehab without the celebrity at the start. Good work. What about dog school? Did you get asked for dog school? No, what is that?

Celebrity dog school. Celebrity dog school. What about celebrity apprentice? Did you get asked to do that? No. I've always thought if I were doing an Australian version of Celebrity Apprentice, it should be based around the way apprentices in Australia behave. It should be a bloke who's

put glad wrap on a toilet seat. A guy who's poured petrol lighter fluid under a cubicle and set it on fire and goes, you've got to make it through to the next round. Well, it's nice of him to think that you're a bigger chance of losing weight than you are to run a business, sensibly.

That's sort of a compliment, isn't it? Well, it is. Oops, hang on. What have I done? There it is. Sorry, I've just unplugged myself. I thought I'd been disconnected. I thought there must be some kind of quality control in the studio.

No, look, reality TV, it's all the rage. I've pitched a few TV shows, which I'd like to think might have a chance. Turkey Slapped the Stars, that's one. And that is or isn't going on air? Well, I don't know. It's up for discussion. Celebrity Pap Smear. Yeah.

I think that'd be fantastic. Who'd you have lined up for the pilot? For Celebrity Pap Smear? Kerri-Ann Kennelly. Yeah. Please welcome Kerri-Ann Kennelly. Good to see she didn't dirty up when she got the sack. Kerri-Ann Kennelly has left Channel 9.

What you have to remember, take this from someone who's been sacked from every network at least once. Yeah, at least once. You can't afford to leave on bad terms because eventually you're going back. Was that a good day when you got the final stamp on the card, on the final network? On the final network? Yeah. Well, I've actually gone around for the second lap. So nine, I've gone a couple of times.

I remember the last time I did a show on nine was called The Nation, which I actually quite liked. But I remember hours before our first show of The Nation went to air, Kerry Packer sold all his shares in the nine network. And I went, hang on a second, that's not exactly a vote of confidence here, is it? But at least he's not going to Doug Mulray you and, you know, ring up halfway through the first episode of The Nation and say,

take this shit off the air. No, that's true. I never got that. That was Doug Mulray, wasn't it? Yeah, Doug Mulray's naughtiest home videos. I've been removed once in week eight. Well, once actually. The second time I didn't get sacked because it actually saw out its 13 week run but uh you know jeez i'll be back i heard a showbiz rumor that once you get

sacked from every network twice you get a free footlong sub is that true is that a true thing well i'm still waiting i'm gonna go down and harass them right now where's my sub um we um i'll do a bit of a quick dum-dum news for our show We've talked a bit about how we have Because it's a podcast We have international fans International, not guests, fans And we've talked about that a bit

And we're trying to find out where our What did we have? Didn't we have listeners in Libya or Hong Kong? We had two in Hong Kong That we think Well, we found out they Hong Kong that we think, well, we found out they weren't even friends. They were just two single separate people.

Some from Spain. Well, this week, I believe I've talked. Your global reach. Your tentacles go everywhere. We're spreading the brand of Malloy into Asia. Yeah, they're going to be loving your Kerry Ann Kennelly references over there. I've talked on Twitter this week to our first Japan listener. Oh, yes. Tokyo.

We've gone into Tokyo. Dum-dum into Tokyo. That's awesome. No whaling gear. No whaling gear. No, no. No offence, guys. But, oh, Guy, I should say.

There's one of them. Do you know what? I'm on their side with the whaling. I think the whales have had it too good for too long. Because, I mean, we've got all this trouble to save them, and then they'll just out of nowhere just go and beach themselves. They go, oh, thanks a lot. I've done everything we did for you.

Now you just rub it in our face. I love that you're such a pro that you've heard Tokyo and then you've gone into a bit of local gear. I can do it. It's whaling. You can work anywhere. That resonates in Tokyo. Whereas, you know, you'll bring the show over to Tokyo.

You've got that. Whereas Stilson, you'll bring the show over to Tokyo. You've got that. Whereas Stilson and Robbins have still got their old gear. They're still doing something about the Howard government. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know, Glenn's still doing stuff about Andrew Peacock. It's Glenn doing. Glenn backstage before our shows, he can always say,

it's not very rock and roll, our show, when we're on tour. He irons his own shirt backstage. That's his rock and roll. That's on his rider, the iron always say, it's not very rock and roll our show when we're on tour. He irons his own shirt. Backstage. That's his rock and roll. That's on his rider, the iron. Rather than the red M&Ms. It's an iron.

Right. Well, the Tokyo, so I talked to the Tokyo listener and the first thing I said, I saw him come up on Twitter and I checked his page and it said Tokyo and I went,

oh, are you our first Tokyo listener? And he said yes. And he says, in the one message, he said yes and Tommy's voice sounds like a girl's. Oh. Straight away.

Yeah, he's into it. It's proof that he's listened to the show, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. Is he, what is he? Is he an Aussie expat, or is he, like, what's his story? Well, he didn't have a Japanese. The emperor of Japan.

The emperor of Japan. That's amazing. We should get flown over. Yeah, someone Hirohito. I didn't put the two together, but yeah, I believe. You guys would be huge over there. You'd be like Neighbour Stars when they go to London. Oh, yeah, that'd be awesome.

You guys would own Tokyo. We'll be doing Japanese Pantos over there for sure. They'd be still violent, alright? They'd still sound like someone's getting killed. We need to get some Pokemon on this show just to sort of give something to the Japanese listeners, just to boost it up. Well, on the voice thing, you'll enjoy this. Not to brag too much, but I am going to the doctors after this.

Right. And I called up yesterday to make an appointment, and I make the time, and they go, what's the last name? And I say the last name, and then the woman goes, oh, okay, Elizabeth? Which is my mum, because it's our family doctor. And I went, no, it's Tom. And she goes, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, right, and tried to act a bit like, oh, of course, how dumb of me. Sorry, I thought Elizabeth was a male name for a second.

That's my fault. And she's an obstetrician, right? Yeah, I'm going to the family gyno, yeah. Well, this is another thing. We've been putting up a few posters around town for Dum Dum Club and, you know, the contact details and stuff. Oh, we got our first piece of graffiti. Mobile phone numbers on there.

Yeah. Sponsorship available, which is how we've got this sweet deal. Now, I found our first bit of Dum Dum graffiti. Here we go. Yeah. Fire away. Yeah. So we've got, obviously, the poster says, little Dum Dum Club. And Here we go. Fire away. So we've got, obviously the poster says Little Dum Dum Club

and the club has been crossed out and another C word has been put in. What? So again, proof that they have actually listened to the show. And that is some of my finest work. Do you know the best bit of graffiti I ever saw was on the side of the Coogee Bay Hotel

in Sydney, in Coogee Bay, obviously, and they have a lot of English backpackers, and so it's overrun by backpackers, and a lot of the locals don't like the backpackers. And on the side of the Coogee Bay Hotel was a bit of graffiti going, Ivan Millat for day release.

It was a ringing endorsement. It was the same pub. Remember, that's the guy who served up the feces ice cream? Yeah, yeah. That was a huge story. That's right. I'd love to see that on MasterChef. That'd be fun if that was the big one at the end they had to cook,

wouldn't it? I'd like that. For our friend in Tokyo, that story was, what was it? It was a family were there. They got a Sunday. A Sunday. Human feces Sunday. And there was human shit in it. Yeah, that's right. Did that turn out? What was the end of that? Because wasn't it disputed?

There were claims that maybe they were bullshitting to get money out of it or something? I don't know. All I know is that's one of the few ice cream dishes that you don't eat that quickly you get one of those ice cream headaches. You're talking about postering. It's a bad time to put up posters because there's a comedy festival coming up and they generally get into a postering war. I remember when we were in Edinburgh one year for the comedy festival and the postering war over there is insane because there's so many shows in town. It's pretty fierce.

This one show was brilliant. They made the front page of the Scotsman. They put up one poster for their show and hired two bouncers to stand there. 24 hours a day and stand by. And bang, the picture's on the front of The Scotsman and the show sold out. Well, that's sort of what we're inadvertently doing with these dum-dum posters, but it's just because we have nothing better to do than just hang out next to pictures of ourselves. Mick, you had a big billboard for one of your shows on Triple M

that was you in your underpants. I've done some underpant modelling. I imagine that would have been rife for a bit of graffitiing. Was there any? They were generally pretty high. They were out of harm's way. You've got to remember, the camera ad's 10 pounds. In my case, mostly around the package.

Glenn Robbins, of course, told me a funny story because he goes, he ran up to complain because he saw one of my billboards and it was opposite like a primary school. So there's a primary school on one side and my billboard on the other, me learning about my underpants. He said because it was a primary school, you had to slow down to 40 k's. So you couldn't just see my billboard. You had to slow down and he said it was excruciating while he had to slow down to 40 k's. So you couldn't just see my billboard. You had to slow down.

And he said it was excruciating while he had to crawl past. That was doubling up at school as an anatomy lesson. It's a bit of sex ed. If we can come out and do a bit of excursion, we'll just look at Mickey downstairs. And that's what you're going to grow into one day. I remember I was in Sydney once and I was on a date with a girl and it was all getting I'm getting the green light here.

So we go out after dinner to call a cab and I say, why don't we go back to my hotel? As the cab pulls up, it's one of those cabs that's got the ads on the top which had an ad of me in my underpants. Let's just say that was the end of the day. Sweet sneak preview

What do you reckon about this? Speaking of posters Now Like we said The Comedy Festival's coming up Little Tommy Daslow Over from you He's got his new poster

He's got a poster design And he's put that up On Facebook this week What is it? I was going to let this slide But I've been alerted to this A couple of times since So I think I should bring it up

I think I know where this is going. I think you probably should know where it's going. I think I might know where this is going. I want in on this. What's happening? The top of his poster, he's got a show called Pipsqueak. On the top of his poster, Tommy Daslow, host of the Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast. Host singular.

One of the hosts. Host singular. No, it doesn't say that though, Tommy, does it? Well, but I am a host. Host singular. I'm a host of the show. Host singular. No, it doesn't say that, though, Tommy, does it? Well, but I am a host. Host singular. I'm a host of the show. I host this show. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm just,

thank you very much for having me as a guest again this week. That would be like, you know, Hale seeing a poster for Pace. Yes. Where Pace was claiming that he was the host of Hale and Pace. To be fair, it doesn't say the host. It says host, which is true. I'm a host of the show. You're splitting hairs, you ambitious little bastard.

Yeah, exactly. I think you're the one that's splitting hairs. Oh, here we go. It's ended in tears already. Luke McGregor, friend of the show, did bring it up and did. Oh, really? Yeah. So he did want to find out what the answer was. Well, I'm going to be editing out you saying friend of the show about him just then.

What do you think about that, Mick? You've been in partnerships before. What do you think? Is this the beginning of the end? It's a slippery slope. You know, two grown men can get enough of each other's company. Well, one grown man. Do you ever pat him on the head, Benny Hill style, like that little guy?

There's a poster for you guys. Look, I anticipate big things for you. You've come this far. Not that far, really, when you think about it. But you're on the right track. You know, the chemistry's obviously there somewhere. So see how you go. One day one of us is going to be ironing our own shirts backstage in Adelaide.

Dare to dream. I beg to be the guy that doesn't write any new material. You can be the guy that writes stuff. Well, someone said, I'm going to get this wrong, but it was Alexei Sale, I think, was talking about great comic duos at some stage. He said, like, with comic duos, great comic duos, there's always one of them working hard back at the office

while the other one's out on the golf course goofing around. The problem with Hale and Pace is they're both out on the golf course goofing around. So as long as one of you is doing some heavy lifting, I reckon. Well, surely it'll be the host over here. You think so? The guy at the controls, the guy holding the reins. Why should the guest be doing all the work?

Is sidekick a little, is that to you a sidekick, second banana? Yeah, I guess that's what I'm going to have to put on my poster. Sidekick. Sidekick of the great Tommy Daslow. Please do that. I will pay for you to get business cards made up. Sidekick of Tommy Daslow as seen as host of the little Dumb Dumb Club. Is that too long for a poster?

I can see some graffiti coming up for Tommy's face there here. Yes. A similar look. All right, pipe down over there, Ozzy, or I'll bring your mic straight down. Am I allowed to, as a co-guest, am I allowed to talk to the guests on here? Can I ask the other guests?

But having said that, I am the senior guest on this show, Mick. What does that make me? What am I? Junior guest. I'm in the short pants, am I? You're the guest apprentice. Yeah. Great.

I'm just happy to be here. Happy to get a gig. Hey, let's take a real quick break and we'll be back with more Little Dumb Dumb Club with Mick Malloy.

A couple of ads, is it? A couple more ads. A couple more ads. What are you doing here? What have you got for us, Moira? Hey, mates. Little Dumb Dumb Club

are doing live shows every Monday night during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. So come down. We're at the Town Hall. We're on at 8.30. We've got heaps of special, super special guests. It's going to be a lot of fun.

We're going to have a lot of friends of the show and fans of the show in. It's going to be great. Come down. And if you're a fan of me, Tommy Dasolo, the host of the Little Dumb Dumb Club, you can see my show Pipsqueak at the Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney Comedy Festivals. For more details and ticket information, head to TommyDasolo.com

And don't forget we've still got t-shirts on sale. Hit us up. LittleDumDumClub at gmail.com We are back with more Little Dum Dum Club. Hope you've all got your arbras. With Mick Malloy. What is that?

The arbra, you know, the arbra on the circle when they cut to the break and they have arbras. Are we sick of ads about bras? Like, how many, come on girls, I know you like to shop, but how many variations on a bra do you actually need? And all of these, I think, are heading down the wrong track for me. Remember the Wonder Bra? Remember the interviews with the Wonder Bra? I can't think of a more deceptive piece of equipment than the Wonder Bra, worn by women well-versed in the dark arts.

Because you sit there and you think, one minute you're looking at a perfect set of breasts, five minutes later the bra's off, and all of a sudden you're staring at what I like to call the National Geographic look. It was just a cruel hoax. Suddenly, you think you're sitting in a dentist's waiting room. I just think I'm starting to work out why that date didn't go too well. It had nothing to do with you're out on the cab at all. You're busting that out as your opening gear.

We didn't even get to that, I'm afraid. So what's the R-bra? What's its claim to fame? I guess it's So what's the Arbra? What's its... I guess it's the new Miracle one that they're always advertising on the Circle. It's like, no straps or something? I've never really listened to what they're saying, to be honest, when it comes on, because they actually

do have very, very good models. And I don't want to sound like too bad of a bloke, but you're getting up, it's nine o'clock in the morning, I'm having breakfast, I haven't started work yet and there's half-nude, very attractive ladies on TV. It's a little bit too much for me at 9 o'clock.

I'm worried about your lifestyle, gentlemen. So clearly you're getting out of bed, getting onto the couch, you're watching The Circle. I know you've knocked off work at 9 o'clock. I know you've done a hard day's work already, but I'm just getting up. Do you IQ The Circle in case you miss it? I mean, seriously, what's going on there? You think we can afford Foxtel IQ?

You have lost touch. Well, maybe now with the sweet sponsorship bucks rolling in. I've heard about this new one. It's called Squoobing. No. The Squoob, which apparently, it's the latest. It's a bra that not only pushes up, but squeezes in. And to demonstrate it, there was an article recently

with a whole heap of women who were squibbing. So you might want to have a look at that. I'm man squibbing as we speak. You're moobing. Don't think it hasn't been noticed. You're looking good. They really could not have picked a worse name for it, could they? Squibbing.

Squibbing, yes. Hey, this is what happened last night. My parents came down from Meribah. I think I may have brought that up on the show before. Meribah in central Victoria. They never come to Melbourne, so I thought I would do something very nice for them, I thought. And I've gone with the sponsorship bucks that are yet to roll in,

but when they do, I'll be able to pay off this debt. But I took them into... Well, now you can claim this meal on tax. Yes. You're talking about it on the show. Yes. I took them into Rockpool in the city, a very nice restaurant, and very expensive, I would think.

And I brought the girlfriend along, obviously, as well, and I went, right, well, I'm going to buy dinner for mum and dad and whatever. And so she's just gone, yeah, well, I'll just leave the purse at home then, because obviously I'm in on the deal. I don't know if you are in the deal on $100 mains. Come on, Carl. So what, you're going to shout dinner for your parents? Yeah.

I don't know. Well, what's the etiquette? Then do a quarter of the bill. Yeah, yeah. Well, is that not what happens? I'll tell you what the etiquette is. If you would like to keep your girlfriend, you do not. Okay, what about this one?

Oh, now I'm feeling rotten because I'm getting how to be a good bloke around girl tips from Mick Malloy after he's just- You know what I would have done? Excuse me a second. I'd just done a runner. I would have left. That's the polite thing to do. I like how you just said, Carl, if you want to keep your girlfriend.

If you'd listened to this show previously, you'd realize he clearly has no interest in making that happen. I have a friend of mine who was, let's put it bluntly, was on the last legs with his girlfriend. He just about exhausted her completely. And he rang up begging for one more shot. He said, please, just give me one more shot at the title. Well, let's go out and have some.

I'm going to take you out to dinner. I can sort this all out. Maybe out the front of the George wine room, you know, at like 8 o'clock. She agrees. He turns up about nearly an hour late because he's been having a couple with the lads. She's furious. And he turns up. He goes, sorry, I'm late. And she goes, well, just letting you know, they've let he turns up. He goes, sorry, I'm late.

And she goes, well, just letting you know, they've let our table go. He goes, I can smooth this over. I can smooth this over. He goes in and he goes to the Major D, my name is Dr. Bartolome, and I have been in emergency surgery, and in the meantime, I understand

that you have given my table away. And they go, we're really sorry. That's terrible. We'll find you a table. They take him and his girlfriend in. They put them at a table by the window. Just as his ass hits the chair out the front on the road, all you hear is smash.

Two cars smash. The door opens. Is there a doctor in the house? I swear he went out, took a pulse, waited. There was no one was killed. It wasn't that bad. Waited till the emergency services turned up and he just

fucked off. And that was the last they ever saw of each other. That is a classic Glen Robbins story that you'll be able to hear at the shows in Adelaide. It happened in 1982. Yes, true. No, it's a true story. Yeah, but I don't know. I mean, getting back to the girlfriend thing, like, I don't know, I mean,

to just pursue. Rockpool, you've gone mad. I know. Look, yeah. I've let myself in it. I know. I've't know. I mean, getting back to the girlfriend thing, like, I don't know. I mean, to just presume. Rockball, you've gone mad. I know. Look, yeah. Look, I've let myself in it. I know. I've gone there and I thought I'll impress the folks and maybe not the girlfriend in the same way. Did you ask her for money?

Did you tell her you did not? No, no, because she came without and I went, oh, hang on a minute. I said, surely you're. I will say, though, in Carl's defense, and I can't believe I'm hearing myself say that sentence, but I do think it's like when she just goes, I'm leaving the purse behind, then it's like you're not even getting the good bloke moment of going, no, no, no, it's on me. Do you know what I mean?

But it's a presumption. There's no pretend at the till where the purse comes out and you go, no, no, no, no, whatever. So you wanted the full ritual? Well, I think I earned it for a $65 steak. So you stand there in front of a full restaurant and just raise your voice. No, no, I'll get this one. Leave this one with me.

Yeah, while I'm taping it on my iPhone. All right, this is what happened. This is what happened two nights ago. I started banging the desk in frustration. No, no, no, I just remembered. I just remembered what I saw the other night. I was coming home on the tram from a gig, and it was about midnight, and there was a guy in front of me that was, I think, pretty drunk, or I think he's passed out, or he's gone to sleep.

On the tram? On the tram. In a seat in front of me, like with his back to me, and I was sort of looking. That's mandatory, isn't it? Yeah. He's got to be one of those guys. Yeah. No, I had a good look.

He was, he was passed out. There was a girl sitting in front of him with her back to him and she'd realized that he'd passed out or whatever it was. So she turned around with her iPhone, did a funny little, oh, I'll take this guy, you know, I'll take this guy and I'll put this on YouTube. Drunk guy on tram, a million hits. Here we go. I'll probably be able to get some punchline sponsorship out of this by the end of it.

a million hits, here we go. I'll probably be able to get some punchline sponsorship out of this by the end of it. So she starts taking pictures of the guy and like giggling to herself and whatever. Then she turns around and goes, oh, I've got to get more footage, but it might be a bit obvious. So she turns around and got her back to the drunk guy that's passed out. And you know that thing, have you got an iPhone, Mick?

I don't. No, I don't. Well, it's got a function on it where you can flip the camera around and, you know, you can tape your face with the screen, if you know what I mean. Okay. So she's done this sly thing of putting the camera off to the side and it started to tape him surreptitiously with the screen. So if, and then the guy in the meantime, while he's, while she's been sending all that stuff

up, the guy has woken up and started to watch her set this all up. And he can now see himself in the screen of the phone while she's giggling to herself, taping him. And he's fully awake. And so he just starts giving her the bird for like 10 seconds straight. But she can't see any of this happening. So she's sitting there taping it going, this will be funny. And then she's gotten it home and gone, oh, it's just a guy angrily giving me the double

bird. But the irony is, that just kind of makes the video even better, I reckon. Well, not really. It's just a tape of a guy giving the bird on the tram. That's all it is. Yeah, that's awesome. That'll get a million hits. No, there's no sponsorship.

This is the problem with modern technology. It's so easy to get yourself in trouble. That's why I don't use it. I don't have a mobile phone. I don't have a computer. I don't a mobile phone. I don't have a computer. I don't drive a car. I don't wear a watch. The only bit of electronic equipment I have.

I don't know that a watch is modern technology. What do you mean? Time is not a new concept. It's not digital. I like to live in a temporal haze. That big sundial you've got on your arm is very fetching. No, if the sun's up, I'm out and about. That's a problem.

I don't ever do that. No wonder you're late to your breakfast show if you're going by sundial. It's like 7 or 4 in the morning. I'm coming for this. What time is it now? When you say those three alarms that wake you up, you mean the rooster outside your window. Three roosters.

I'm just saying, modern technology, what does it do that's any good? It gets you into trouble. You are a technophobo. I'm a Luddite is the correct term. Yeah, sorry. But yeah, no phone, no email address. You were on Facebook for about two seconds. I've got a computer, I have to admit, because we're starting to write another film.

And I thought this time I can't. Film? Film's a bit la-di-da. Well, it is. What's wrong with plays? Plays. Do I look like a hobo to you? There's no money in plays.

There's more money in podcasts than there is in plays. We're living proof. So, no, I've got a computer. So, I've got a new one, a good one. It's an Amstrad. I believe they're cutting edge. It's top of the line. I boot up every morning.

That's not a movie you're writing. That's a game of California games you're playing. Is that you turn it on to boot up before you leave to come in and do radio, and then by the time you get home from radio, it's just about ready to get going. It's warming up. Yeah. You've got to go out. You've written a new 30 minutes of the movie,

so you've got to go and buy a new cassette to save it on to. That's right. Yeah, it's true. That's the way I roll. Let's take another little quick break and have a bit more ads and we'll be right back

with more Little Dumb Dumb Club right after this. Hey mates, as you may have heard, this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is sponsored by Punchline DVD,

one of the best providers for comedy DVDs in Australia. They've got all sorts of people on here, Carl. I'm just at their website. They've got people like Zach Galifianakis. Yes. You can get his DVD. Live at the Purple Onion, that's an awesome DVD.

He's been on the show, hasn't he? No. You can also get the Sarah Silverman program. Her show, she was nearly going to be on the show. Yeah. We met her. Yeah, we met her. Got a creepy photo with her.

That was great. Who else have they got? They've got Friends of the Show, Greg Fleet and Harley Breen both have DVDs coming out. Yes, definitely go and grab them. Check them out. There's also stuff from Tripod. They've got Chappelle's show. They've got all sorts of stuff. So if you like comedy, which we think you might, head over to punchline.com.au

and check it out. See you there, mates. Okay, we are back with the Little Dumb Dumb Club with Mick Malloy. This is throwing me out, by the way, this whole, we're back. It's weird, isn't it? We're back with the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah, here's a tip for the listeners. We haven't gone anywhere.

We've just literally been sitting here going. No, we don't say a word. We just sit here in silence. Just sit here in silence looking at each other. For the duration of the ads, which we haven't recorded yet. Yeah, it's just, yeah. And the whole time Mick's just going, can I go yet? Can I go?

What about this, guys? I was in the supermarket the other day at the deli counter, and there was a woman in front of me who's ordered a big thing of ham. And then as she gets her ham, she goes, oh, and can I just get a little extra handful to just have now to just eat while in the supermarket? Yeah. Is that a thing? Is that a new thing?

That's a child's thing, I think. It's unusual to ask for it. I mean, if you're offered. Yeah. That's pretty weird. What sort of ham? Like an actual, like, strip? Shaved ham.

Right. I thought, I pictured it like as, like pizza ham, you know, diced ham and just a. Oh, right. You know. I thought you meant, like, you pictured it just the big, like Fred Flintstone style, just ham and just a... Oh, right. You know. I thought you meant like you pictured it just the big bone, like Fred Flintstone style, just honking on it. Oh, right. But no, like it was a decent...

Gnawing on a bone. She got a decent big chunk of it too and just was eating it real casually. Like it was like a thing of nuts or something in the supermarket. I've got a friend who feels it's okay to eat in the supermarket as long as he ends up taking the wrappers up to the counter and paying for it. And I just always get incredibly uncomfortable when he's on like his third packet of Burger Rings and eyeing off a tree ripe.

I go, surely right now before we get to the counter we're committing a crime. Yeah, I do find that weird. Like you don't own that yet. You don't own it. You haven't paid for it. The transaction hasn't been made but you're quite happily going about the business.

And plus you look stupid at the end because it looks like you're buying garbage. That's right. Well, that's the other thing. How much for this Cherry Ripe wrapper? That's top dollar. That's the other thing. I would find, yeah, you'd find it weird because you're paying for something that you've done.

It's gone. You know what I mean? You're not taking anything out of there with you. Yeah. It's not a restaurant. And yeah, it's weird. Yeah, like my girlfriend doing it, me arguing at the till with her.

I'm not paying for that garbage. What was that about? You argue at the till. You made her pay for a quarter of the garbage. Yeah, exactly. I'll pay for my mum and dad's garbage, but I'm not paying for yours. Here's another little one from during the week.

We've talked on this show before about how I reckon quoting slash referencing Austin Powers is going to come back into vogue any day now. And I'm trying to get in on the ground level. I'm not saying I want it to happen. I'm saying it's going to happen. No, you do want it to happen. I want it to happen,

but I think it is going to happen whether I want it to or not, so I may as well be on the ground floor of it. So my girlfriend has just started a new job, and she's working with this guy who is an Asian guy who DJs under the name, and I'm not making this up, his DJ name is, because he likes disco music and he likes Austin Powers, his DJ name is Jimmy Powers, Oriental Man of Mystery. Right. Which I just like that he's saying it because he likes, The reason he came up with it is because he likes disco music. Austin Powers is like pre, Austin Powers is the 60s.

Yeah. It's like pre-disco. So it doesn't even match up. It's flawed. Did you point this out to him? I haven't met him yet, but God, I want to go. Let's go see one of his gigs. No.

Okay. I do like the- Classic improv from Carl. I'm all about the block. Not even a... Time for another ad, is it? The Carl Chandler School of Improvisation. Yeah, people going space jump.

No, we're not jumping anywhere and this isn't space. Why would I do that? I like it here. I'm still being a dentist here. I'm not finished. I haven't finished my root canal yet. I do like the oriental reference. I think that should be brought back because that doesn't sound –

The orient should be brought back. Yeah. No, but whenever someone says Asian on stage, like Asian is such a taboo word. People sort of freeze up with the word Asian, I think. But oriental, that's fun. That's nice, isn't it? I think oriental is more antiquated. Right.

It sounds like something my dad would say because my dad, well, my girlfriend gets very offended. And I'm not sure, I don't know if this is offensive, but my girlfriend has Italian roots. And my dad is very, he comes from Maryborough and he's lived there all his life. And he lives on a farm. Worlds colliding here. Yeah, yeah. Maryborough and the Italian way of life. Yes.

on a farm. Worlds colliding here. Yeah, yeah. Maryborough and the Italian way of life. Yes. Now, he will talk, like, we'll go up and visit him and he'll start popping into conversation stuff about, oh, you know, it's all well and good for the Chinese. Now, that's, I don't know. The singular.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that's been a thing to say since about 1910. Yeah, yeah. And he'll also say. It is actually 1910 in Maryborough. Yeah. As we speak. And he'll also say. It is actually 1910 in Maryborough. Yeah. As we speak. That's about where they are.

But he'll say the Italians and the Itais. And my girlfriend does not like that at all. That is old school. But I don't know if Italian is racist. That's just a mispronunciation. Is that racist? Italian, yeah. I don't know if you can be offended at a mispronunciation.

I think to be racist, there needs to be some malice in it. Yes. If he's saying, ah, the eye ties, good on the eye ties, what's wrong with that? He just goes, those effing eye ties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come out of here with their lasagna. Yeah, yeah. But not even eye ties, just eye-tallion.

Pure accordion music. Yeah, that's just their name with a different umlaut. It's the connotation, isn't it? Yes. It's the connotation. Yes. it? It's the connotation. Yeah. And my girlfriend's born in Australia as well. What's she taking umbrage from?

Yeah, well, exactly. But no, we had this conversation this morning. She goes, no, no, I am Italian. I'm like, you're not Italian. You were born here. Your dad was born here. I think her mum might have been born there maybe. I'm like, but you've lived here all your life.

You haven't been to Italy. You're not Italian. She goes, no, but I was brought up eating a lot of pasta. That's literally what she said. More than qualified. I don't think that that means you're Italian. P.S. That'll be 20 bucks for breakfast.

Thanks. Yeah. Do you actually have a girlfriend? Is this a fictional? If this is fictional, you're building quite a backstory. You're going to trip yourself up at some stage. No, but you've got to believe the lie. What I've learned about her so far is she's a cheapskate eye tie

and the story is to be continued. What else is going on? Well, whatever I think of this week will be added next week. Let me ask you about this. I don't think we've talked about this on the show yet. When we were in LA together, we went into one of those... Casually dropped it. You were in Edinburgh before.

Sorry, Los Angeles is sponsoring the show now, so we've got to go for that. We were in one of those trendy second-hand T-shirt shops where they've just got all the cool vintage tees. And Carl Chandler over here foundhand T-shirt shops where they've just got like all the cool vintage tees. And Carl Chandler over here found a T-shirt and was very happy with himself that said on it in red and green lettering, a white T-shirt that said, pray for me, my wife is Italian. And you tried it on.

It's good. Perhaps a little bit tight. It was a bit tight. That just sort of heightened the joke. Yes. And you were very happy with yourself. You're very much looking forward to getting this home. And I don't think I ever heard from you, how did your girlfriend, your eye-tie girlfriend,

is she a fan? Because I will also say that I've not seen you wear it since. No. He wears it in the bedroom. Yeah. We're going to do some serious praying tonight. Obviously, I bought it as a joke, and I actually thought it existed as a joke without the Italian girlfriend connotations.

I think it was just a funny thing, funny T-shirt to wear. But she saw me wear it and goes, no, you shouldn't wear that. And I said, why? And she goes, well, I think the only reason you should wear it is if you did have an Italian wife, so maybe you should get married before you wear that T-shirt. And actually brought that up as an argument. We've talked about this last week. You can wear this as a shirt if you want, but hey, this ring, this finger's looking

a little bit naked. You're falling for it. Like I'm supposed to go, oh, well, I was a bit marriage phobic, but if I get to wear this T-shirt at the end of it, well, come on, I'm down on both knees. Let's go for it. I like it. When I was in LA, I was at a party. I met a guy called Johnny Vodka.

Right. I met Johnny Vodka. What do you do, Johnny? He gives me his card. It goes, Johnny Vodka, anything you want. I go, what does that mean? He goes, anything you want, mate. Anything you want.

Anyway, we had a few drinks. I went home. It was 3 o'clock in the morning. I go, I'm going to ring Johnny Vodka. I ring up Johnny Vodka. I go, hey, Johnny, he goes go Hey Johnny He goes What do you want I said

I want a giraffe He goes I'll call you back Two hours later I promise you He goes Hey mate I've got your giraffe

It's at Santa Monica Apparently he'd rung up Some zoo And I had access To This is at three in the morning Johnny Vodka Is pretty good

Hello Johnny I'm at Rockpool Can you come and pay For my girlfriend I've got enough For mum and dad This is at three in the morning. Johnny Vodka is pretty good. Hello, Johnny. I'm at Rockpool. Can you come and pay for my girlfriend? I've got enough for mum and dad. Can you bump it? Rockpool for me. I love the sad differences in our two stories of being in LA. Yours is like being drunk at a party with a guy called Johnny Vodka,

and ours is we went to a t-shirt shop. I got a novelty t-shirt. At least it led to you getting married, so that was good. No. Are you getting married? Why not? How long have you been together? Oh, no, we're going to do this.

How long have you been together? Five years. Five years. Are you engaged? No. Well, five years, if you don't know enough now, let's give a call. Let's do this. Let's do this thing.

My girlfriend listens to this show now, and this is not going to be good. Well, is there a reason why you don't want to get married? Tell me why you don't want to get married. Yes, I have to say, as the host of this show, I'm going to allow this. Do you love her? If Playboy Bachelor Mick Malloy is giving me the hard word on this stuff, she's going to be like, Mick said it. Don't deflect.

Don't deflect to Mick. Do you love her? Yes. Is there something wrong with her? No. Does she have a bung eye? No. Is there anything that makes her unmarriable?

Why don't you marry this girl? Prove you love her. Let's do it. No. Why not? Propose right now on the show. Do you think you can do better? Is that what you're doing?

No. No, I don't. Well, what is wrong with her? She can do better. She can do better. Well, I hope she does. I hope't. Well, what is wrong with that? She can do better. Well, I hope she does. I hope she listens to this and is going to throw my hat in the ring. Oh, there's going to be serious time in the editing suite this week, I believe, in the

little Dum Dum Club. No, none at all. Please? Wouldn't it be sweet? Just do it. As your favourite guest. What do you do for Valentine's Day? As your favourite guest, Tommy, please do me this favour.

What do you do for Valentine's Day? Valentine's Day, we covered this on the show last week, I think. Didn't we? No, that weren't good. We went to an Indian shop, an Indian restaurant. Indian shop. Indian shop. That's not the right phrase at all, is it?

Did you pay for it or did you get out and split the bills? I did. Did she bring her purse? Whatever. To be fair, I bought you the card with the duck on it, so you should be paying for dinner. Yeah, well, to be fair, it was just lucky that this year, Valentine's Day, did coincide with a Tuesday,

so there was a lot of tight-ass Tuesday deals on. Took in a movie afterwards, didn't you? Just got some shopper dockets and got whatever we could. So I ended up at the pancake parlor for a short stack. I like your thinking. No. You've done well. You're a high roller.

No, no, you know, things will work themselves out. She's a lovely... So Valentine's Day girlfriend, a little cheap and cheerful Indian, folks down from the country and it's all the way to the rock pool. You're in a world of pain. I hate it when people point out the obvious and I haven't thought of it yet. As Carl just referred to you, what was it, Playboy Bachelor Mick Malloy? What did you get up to for Valentine's Day?

Well, it was interesting. I violated a restraining order. That's what my previous girlfriend put out on me. I pinched some underwear off my neighbour's clothesline. It was very romantic. Makes them feel wanted? No, look, it's not on my radar. What is happening in the love life of Mick Malloy?

Look, nothing at the moment. No, it's dormant. Right. It's dormant. You know, I can't do everything at once, so at the moment I'm concentrating on my new comedy show. Yeah. It takes up all my energy.

Concentrating on Glenn and Geoff. Yeah. That's why Glenn and Geoff can have wives, because they're not doing any new material. I'm concentrating on Glenn and Jeff. Well, that's why Glenn and Jeff can have wives, because they're not doing any new material. I'm out there chipping away at the cold face, doing it for the three of us. No, there's nothing on offer, so I'm still looking for that special someone.

Well, there's plenty of international listeners. Maybe you could have a... I'm thinking of your girlfriend at the moment. Someone has to... We're just throwing my hat in the ring. Maybe, is our Japanese listener, is it a female? Oh, no, I'm not sure. I can't remember now.

This could be like an Australian husband, like the reverse of a Thai bride. They could order you and get you shipped over there. That'd be a warm reception, wouldn't it? This guy. It's terrible. All right, guys, well, that does bring us to the end of the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

We want to thank Mick Malloy very much for joining us. It's been a pleasure. I'd like to have a listen to this. It'll be like listening to a black box recording, I reckon. Can I listen to this? I'll need a pod. Yeah, yeah. What do you listen to?

I'll need a pod. You can't download this under your son dialogue. So how do I listen to this? What do I do? iTunes. You just did. iTunes, you get it on, yeah. What do I listen to that on?

On a phone. A computer. I like that now we're advertising our own show on the show. To our junior guests, I have to say. The senior guest is explaining it to the junior guest. Yeah, iTunes. Your brother will explain too. Go check out Mick Malloy, Glenn Robbins and Jeff Stilson in Adelaide

starting on the... March 3rd, I think. March 3rd. March 3rd of March. Thanks very much for listening. We've got t-shirts, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com if you want one. We're on Facebook. We're on Twitter, at Dumb Dumb Club.

We've got tickets. We've got the live shows on sale for the Comedy Festival. Come see us. Thanks very much for listening, and we will see you next time. See you, mates. Cheers.