The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 75 - Cal Wilson

Episode Date: March 7, 2012

Sick Babies, Giant Jenga and Chicken Drumsticks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, today's episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is sponsored by Punchline. Head to punchline.com.au for all your comedy DVD needs. And don't forget, we've got live shows coming up in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Every Monday night at the Town Hall at 8.30, we're doing our podcast absolutely live with three celebrity and old mate guests. So don't forget to come along and see that. Have a look at the Comedy Festival website for ticket details. And also you can see me, Little Tommy Dasolo, in Pipsqueak in Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney.

Head to TommyDasolo.com for more details. See you there, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is a man who caused quite a stir on Facebook with something of a Radiohead ticket ruse last week, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead.

Is that what it's come to? We're going to be talking about what we've been doing on Facebook? I think so. Gosh. It was good, though. It was a real test of people's gullibility and limits. It was very stupid. What I did was, all I put was, you know, when Radiohead sold out their concert and whatever,

and all I did was put on Facebook, as my status update, hey, guys, I've got 60 free Radiohead tickets in my possession to give away. Who wants them? All in capitals, which is generally, you think, is the grand mark of someone taking the piss. Yeah. And not everyone did think I was taking the piss, apparently. But I did like, and I got a lot of requests for them, which I found funny because, A, they're Radiohead tickets that sold out in two seconds.

Why have I got 70 tickets or whatever it was to give away? For free. And B, why am I struggling with 70 free radio head tickets that i have to give them out on facebook and then people and because you know facebook's full of people you've never met or you haven't seen for 15 years people were like saying people i've literally never met we're going yeah i'll just have seven then oh no worries just the seven i'll just take eight in case someone turns up on the day you know what i mean so but then i was getting messages from people that said oh i've heard from a mate that you're giving out free Radiohead tickets.

Can I have some? Now, I don't think this is in any doubt with the listeners, but we should point out, because I was with you when you did this, we were crying. We were crying. We were enjoying it so much. I went home and did it on my page. I said, my friend Carl has given me 59 free Radiohead tickets if anyone wants them. I started getting private messages from people I went to primary

school with. I had one guy do a thing that I enjoyed a lot where he went, oh, yeah, hey, mate. I haven't spoken to this guy in six years, by the way. Oh, yeah, so the podcast's gone really well. That's great. Ha ha. Yeah. Ha yeah. What's with these Radiohead tickets? Ha ha. Ha ha. Sort of like trying to have a bet each way. And I was like, oh, yeah, what's with these Radiohead tickets? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Sort of like trying to have a bet each way. And I was like, oh, yeah, just this ridiculous thing that I'm finding really funny that people think it's real. And he goes, ha, ha, yeah, ha, good one. Yeah, good prank.

I'm like, I don't even really think it's a prank. A prank implies that you're trying to fool people. There was nothing of it trying to trick people at all. Yeah. If I can break in here before I've even been interviewed. Who is this? Well, the ghost of podcasts past or future. I'm on Facebook with you, and when I saw you do that,

I've got 60 tickets. I was like, there is no way you've got 60. If you'd said I've got four, I'd go, oh, how exciting. But then because 60, I was like, there's no way. Exactly. There's no way someone would trust you with 60 free tickets. There's no way someone would trust me with four. Maybe someone actually thought, oh, the podcast is going that well.

These guys are media techie. Record company industry people are going, oh, we better sling the podcast people 60. That's the dum-dum rafters over there. That's just a big chunk allocated to us. And new sponsor this week, Michael Chug has come on board. Yeah. Man, I just enjoyed it so much. This other quick thing before I introduce whoever the hell that was just before.

It kind of sounded like you, but anyway, keep going. Oh, Jesus. Our theme song, people often ask, people ask this when they leave an iTunes review. They'll ask what our theme song is, which is a really dumb way of doing it because you can't reply. I can't message you on iTunes and tell you what it is our theme song is, which is a really dumb way of doing it because you can't reply. I can't message you on iTunes and tell you what it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Don't ask a question on the iTunes reviews. Email us. Don't ring up and ask a question, then hang up. Yeah, exactly. The theme song is by a guy called Aloe Black. It's called Good Things. Should we actually be saying that, considering? I don't think he listens.

I think we'll be fine. Okay, cool. But a friend of mine was walking down the street with his girlfriend a couple weeks ago and they've walked past a sex shop and they thought, oh, let's just go in here, a bit of a browse in the sex shop. And they're walking around and then the theme music's come on. Aloe Blacc's Good Things has started playing in the shop. And so then my friend found that ridiculous and started laughing.

And so then he's a grown man laughing in a sex shop, and he goes, I've got to get out of here because I'm like the worst kind of cliche. And someone just coming in here and going, ha, ha, ha, dildos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I enjoyed that. Was this one of those My Friend in inverted? Oh. And then I just started bloody doing the show live in there, didn't I? That would be the only better thing is if the theme song had come in

and then it had actually been an episode of the show. They're just playing us in. Well, what about if the theme song came on in the sex shop and then he goes, oh, dickheads. And then they went, okay, we'll get you some. Here they are. Today on the show, you may know her from Sleuth 101, Spicks and Specks and Good News World.

Please welcome into Little Dumb Dumb Club, Cal welcome into Little Dundum Club, Cal Wilson. Thank you. The impatient Cal Wilson. Yes. Smashing my way in there to a conversation before I'm even officially alive. We really do test the guests sometimes, don't we? Like we bring up something a bit juicy and then they just have to sit there and. Oh, sir.

Sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was me putting my hand up, by the way, not any kind of weird juice. That wasn't left over from the sex shop before, was it? No, no, no. That was me putting my hand up, by the way, not any kind of weird genius. That wasn't left over from the sex shop before, was it? No, no, no. That did sound. Now, Kel, are you okay? Because I know we did, there were some concerns of your well-being,

over your health. Yeah, I have a two-year-old disease factory who lives at my house, and he gave me gastro, a gastro thing, so I couldn't. You ate him raw? Yeah, he was undercooked. I didn't wash my hands after peeling them. Rookie mistake. Yeah, so we've all been having a lovely tummy bag.

We're all right now. You're all right now? Yeah. Because I got a message from you yesterday saying, because I've already heard from you that you're a bit sick, and I got a text message from you, and I don't know whether this is one of those misspelt things or whatever it was, but your message says,

I said, oh, look, we'll come in, we'll do this, and you go, sweet, I'm doing IV enrichment at 12.45, so I'll come into the studio straight after there. Interview. Ah, I thought you were on an IV drip. I thought that's what that was. Man, you had a really exciting view of my tummy bank. I thought they were going to be wheeling you in there.

That's hilarious. I should have come on a wee oxygen mask. Wow, that would have been amazing. I was like, you are keen to do this podcast. Well, she said if she gets on, she's going to get free radio head tickets. So you don't want to pass that up. I mean, it's a lot of pain now for some benefit in November. For 60 or 70.

I mean, for four, it wouldn't have been worthwhile. Do you suddenly admire me a little less now that you know that it was just chatting to a couple of chicks on the radio and not having my entire blood supply replaced? Well, that actually reminds me because you've been that sick. What we just did, and of course, you are no stranger to the corporate speaking world, and you would do quite a bit of that. Your sellout is what he's trying to say.

You're a fucking motivational speaker. I'm saying you have money and we don't. That's what I'm saying. Me and Tommy did something on the weekend, which we hosted a little corporate do sort of a thing. We did some work for Time Out magazine, Time Out Melbourne, and we hosted a little Jenga tournament, which was a lot of fun. A giant Jenga tournament. Giant Jenga, yeah.

Now, when you say giant Jenga, do you mean you played it with railway sleepers or is it like normal-sized little bits of wood but really tall? No, they weren't. Well, you know what? They called it giant Jenga when we came in, and the blocks were only, you know, about nearly a foot long, I guess. Were they? Yeah.

Were they that big or a little bit less? And we're like, oh, that's not giant. But then once you get it to its natural sort of about as big as you can make it, it's like too big to – it was much bigger than me. Yeah. So you wouldn't want the blocks any bigger because you literally wouldn't be able to stick them on top. Well, you'd be doing development in the CBD, I guess, wouldn't you,

if they were really that massive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Exactly. They were twice Dassler's height, which I know isn't that impressive anyway, but still. But we did that, and that was fun. We got to talk drunkenly to people, and we got to drink.

And there was a sponsor. This is what we were debating about. There was a sponsor that was like cider, and then I was just drinking whatever else. I wasn't drinking the cider, but the whole time it was like, yeah, cider, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just drinking normal beer, and this guy comes up and goes oh you know you guys you know what you should do and it's like this older guy you know what you should do what would be more fun

with this gig if you just mentioned the cider all the time and while you everyone's doing the the jenga you should hold the cider in your hand the whole time and you should he was way more aggressive about it than he goes there should be a new rule. You should have to have a cider in your hand with the label facing the crowd as you're doing your move. And so this guy was entirely unconnected with the cider, just an interested bystander who'd gone, you know, I love Jenga, but I love a bit of fermented apple juice even more. And logos. I love that stuff too.

But then Deslai said to him, are you the owner of this cider? And he goes, no, and just walked away. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was. He's done marketing. I got on that cider. It's a new cider.

It comes in a big bottle. Should we name it? We can probably. No. Not now you've slightly maligned the owner. They're not giving us any money, so we're not going to bother with that. It's a new one. It's like, if you're listening, you know what it is.

It's become very popular in the last couple of months, and it comes in, like, big bottles. It comes in, like, almost long-neck-sized bottles. So it's a man's cider. It's not a girly cider. Well, yeah, I think that's what it's trying to be, and it's, like, different flavours, like wild berry and apple blackcurrant. That's a lady cider.

What would a man flavoured cider be? That sounds quite... Wood, beer flavoured. Wood, metal. Ralph magazine flavoured. It would taste like the inside of a pocket. Really? What is it?

Lint. Lint cider. Sort of a bit of lint and then there'd be that metal taste of a key that's been in there. And then there'd be probably a band-aid that you'd taken off and forgotten about. Or like a pocket that's been in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would be like probably a Band-Aid that you'd taken off and forgotten about. Or like a pocket that's gone through the washing machine with a bit of paper in it. Yeah, yeah. A receipt. An old petrol receipt.

Men, we can't do anything properly. We're idiots. Oh, don't put yourself down. They're all flavours that girls wouldn't enjoy, but guys are right into that stuff. Oh, I'd have a pocket. Yeah. Pocket cider. But it's insanely sweet, and I had, because they were free, I had a few of them, and so

by the end of the afternoon, not only was I a bit drunk but I still haven't slept. Like, just that much sugar in that amount of time. That much pocket. That's going to keep you up. Yeah, because there was, you know, because we were hosting we got quite a bit of free stuff there and whatever.

It was funny because I didn't know anything about Jenga when we walked in there. You learn the rules. How can you not know about Jenga when we walked in there. And you learn the rules. How can you not know about Jenga? I've never seen it. This fascinated me too, how you could not have, Carl literally had no concept what the game was. It's basically stacks on, but with wood.

Yeah, yeah. But I knew that, but then there was all rules and stuff. There's more than just, I literally thought it was like a bonfire, but a game. You just stack wood. A fireless bonfire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Well, if it's a boring one. a bonfire, but a game. You just stack wood. A fireless bonfire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, if it's a boring one. A bonfire with no payoff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, with no money shot. So I was learning as we went along and whatever, and then literally by the end of the day, like we got all this free drink and food and whatever, and then I walked up the street and it was in like Fitzroy Street, which is not the best place to get food anyway. I went into a chicken shop and, you know, I bought a chicken roll because I thought, oh, instead of getting a hamburger, I convinced myself that that's

a healthy option, a chicken roll. So they made it and I looked at it. You know, when you buy something and you open it up and you go, oh man, that doesn't look good. But then you think, yeah, but I've paid $6.50 for this and that would be silly just to chuck it out. I'm going to eat the thing that looks like you shouldn't eat it. So then I just ate it anyway. And so then for the rest of the day, it was like sort of my own human Jenga because it was like I'd stacked all this food on top of me and then I'd put the final bit of chicken roll on top

and then they all fell out. The rest of the day was not good. And then you were hanging out with Cal's baby, gave him a gastro. You wiped your hands with some. And then struck the IV drip in, and here I am now. The weird thing about hosting that Jenga thing, though, was we thought there might be, there was talk that there'd be microphones for us when we got there,

but there weren't. So we just, I still reckon there would have been people in the bar thinking that we weren't any kind of official thing to do with it. We were just two guys spectating who were way too into it. And we were holding beers without even holding the logos around the right way either. You were holding a bouquet of cider. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, guys. Let's get more into it. How fun is Jenga? Look at these weirdos. We did an improv gig like that once. We did the Queenstown Winter Festival in New Zealand, which is a brilliant festival because they pay you in skiing and accommodation.

So it was an absolutely brilliant thing to do. And they gave us, they said, oh, you have to come and do, you have to do this improv gig, me and my two mates, at the cafeteria at the top of the mountain, just as part of your thing. And so we had like a morning skiing and then we go into this cafeteria where the ground is soaking because everyone's snow has fallen off their ski boots and stuff like that. We're wearing ski gear and ski boots trying to do hilarious improvisation in front of tables while people are just eating their lunch.

And no mics or anything like that. It looked like you, Tommy, like we're just three nutters that had wandered in and wanted some attention. And you're a big chance of slipping over as you're space jumping. Yeah. Clonk, clonk, clonk. Well, that was by the end of the gig because it was quite casual by the end of the gig, or maybe it was just casual

because we'd been drinking so much. We got to the very end of the gig and there was some people that had walked in that hadn't been there the whole time. As we were wrapping up the gig, all my professionalism just went out the window at this corporate gig because we'd been drinking or whatever. Someone walked in and was like, thanks everyone for listening to us and you should listen to our podcast or whatever. And someone walked in. We're like, thanks, everyone, for listening to us. And, you know, you should listen to our podcast or whatever.

And this guy walked in and just goes, we're bloody funnier than those guys. And I went, yeah, thanks, everyone. And this guy's a fucking asshole. But anyway, thanks for coming along, everyone. So see you, mates. Tell me it wasn't the same guy that told you you should have your logo facing out. So how did you score this gig? Did you just get approached on the street?

Oh, look, you can't get it. Proper channels. This is our gig. You can't pinch it off us. It's in the past. I'm wanting to do a Connect Four corporate gig. Yeah, you can't touch your Hungry Hungry Hippo gig this Saturday. Sorry.

Sorry. I want to host more board games. It was fun. You sort of think, I thought it was either going to be fun because it would just be a good day or it would be fun because it would be weird and just no good. And then you get a great war story out of it. Yeah. But it was really enjoyable.

I wouldn't go on the- It's like any competition, like, you know, I didn't know what it was by the end, by the start, but by the end I was like, oh my God. Jenga maniac. Yeah. You had your favourites in the competition and- Did you get a Jenga game to take home? Oh, we didn't.

The take home game? Yeah. No stick home? Oh, we didn't. The take-home game? Yeah. No stick pins, no board game, nothing. We didn't. It was a bit of a disappointment. The final itself was a bit of a washout because we had two, there were two amazing games in the heat, in the semis. Okay, now talk me through what an amazing game of Jenga is like.

Like really, really tall tap, like getting to a point where you pretty much can't make any other moves. And people would be pulling out sticks right near the bottom. You go, this is no way going to happen. And they'd take a minute to pull it out. This is no way to run a country. What's going on? Everyone got really into it.

And tell me about the finalist's hands. Do they have long, thin fingers or chubby sausage finger hands? Did that matter? The grand finalist was pretty... She was pretty tall and slender. Yeah, yeah. Pretty lanky kind of. She was a hipster.

She was a hipster, yeah. A lanky hipster. Every woman wants to be described that way. But yeah, she was versus just a crazy guy. This crazy French dude who in classic French would sort of be a bit of an arsehole and you'd go, right, I don't like this guy. But he's so charming.

But then he'd be really funny for five minutes and you'd go, oh, okay, no, that's an act. And then he'd come back and just be an arsehole again. And you'd go, but he got to the final and with rock, paper, scissors to see who makes the first move. He gets drawn to go first, spends about a minute looking at it from every angle. And then I think he sang the French national anthem, didn't he?

I think he did. Maybe he's a Brisbane Lions fan. So then he's looked at it from every angle. And then I think he sang the French national anthem, didn't he? I think he did. Maybe he's a Brisbane Lions fan. Yeah. So then he's looked at it. He's gotten all into it and everyone's hyped up because by this point it's been going for like four hours. Raises his leg and just punts the whole thing over. Just kicks it over.

Because first prize in the competition was two nights at the Crown Towers. Second prize was a slab of beer. He's travelling. He just was a slab of beer. He's travelling. He just wants the slab of beer. He literally picked up a slab of beer after he kicked it over and walked out the door. Wow. That is the best Jenga forfeit story I have ever heard.

At least top five. Yeah. And here's the other good thing about him. He was wearing sneakers and then a polo shirt tucked into his jeans. It's just an amazing character. He looked like a 45-year-old guy. He was about 20. Wow.

But that reminds me, actually, with the French mention. This is what's been going on this week. I've been by myself this week for half the week because my girlfriend is in publicity, right? She works for publicity. And she sometimes has to go away. And so last week, she's like, yeah, I've got to go away for a couple of days. I'm like, oh, cool.

You haven't done that for a while. So that's cool. Where are you going? Oh, you're going to Brisbane or whatever. that for a while. So that's cool. Where are you going? Oh, you're going to Brisbane or whatever. Oh, you're traveling around. Yeah. So what are you doing? You're traveling with people or what?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're traveling with people. Okay. Well, who with? Because she works at a book publisher. What authors? And she's like, oh, just this cookbook.

I'm like, yeah, but what cookbook? Oh, is it like a famous chef? Oh, yeah. I think he's famous. Who is it? Oh, do you know Manu from My Kitchen Rules? I'm like, oh, you just thought you'd leave that out? The hot Frenchman.

Old snake hips. Yeah, exactly, with a reputation of being a ladies' man. And, you know, the whole time, rest of the time, then I'm just imagining him being, you know, French and being basically the human version of Pepe Le Pew and my girlfriend being the human version

of the black cat that walks along that somehow gets a white stripe painted on there. But the black cat's not into Pepe Le Pew. How's your relationship going? Because Carl, just to give you a bit of backstory, Carl will bring up things about his lovely girlfriend on the show. She started listening and she said to Carl,

I don't like these mentions of me on the show, which of course has made Carl bring up even worse things about her on the show. Has she caught up? Is she up to date? Because you did drop a few, the marriage thing, the getting the grilling about not having proposed yet. Has she caught up with that?

I'm interested to hear because we left that on a bit of a cliffhanger. Just to paint a picture here, Carl has just tied three of his fingers into his headphone cord like he's cutting off the circulation in his fingertips. Well, it'd be fine if I was the one that edits this show but I'm not.

You're just going to put this on a loop over and over and over again. How long have you been together? I'm not, so. You're just going to put this on a loop over and over and over again. How long have you been together? I'm going to turn into your mum. It turns, I don't like this. It used to be all about making fun of Daslo. Now it's all about this. Mate, you've got to step it up. Manu's there right now.

I know. He's probably smelling great. He's probably looking great. I don't think there's any probably about it, Tommy. He's a skunk. He's not smelling great. Well. That's the one thing.

Yeah, maybe not. We've been together five years, I think. You shouldn't say that quite so I'm not really sure. No, but you know what? It feels like five years. It might have been two. I feel better now because it's that thing of, you know, when you celebrate the anniversary. She forgot our anniversary last year.

So I'm like, well, cool. I don't have to remember if you don't care about it. Yeah, I did that. I did that this year. I completely forgot our wedding anniversary, because I was supposed to be going to New Zealand, and my son got really sick, and I was supposed to leave the day before our anniversary. Oh, what's wrong with your son?

I think it was the same tummy bag. I think you need to put that kid in a bubble. And John Travolta will play him. So I was supposed to leave the day before our anniversary. I had to stay back a day because the kid was so sick, and then it had completely gone out of my head that it was our wedding anniversary. And my husband was so excited. And he waited until I was just about to get out of the car at the airport.

And he goes, happy anniversary. Awesome. Awesome. I was like, you win that round. Great get. Yeah, that's awesome. I wish I had done that. But I forgot it as well.

So just. The cow at least has the excuse of a sick child. You have nothing. You have your own self-absorbed life. Any pets that were feeling off colour? Probably busy looking at what other people were doing on Twitter was your excuse for not remembering the anniversary. Well, what you could do to get one up,

and I do hope your lovely girlfriend's not listening, is that you invent an anniversary that you don't actually have. Oh, yes. This is the anniversary of the day that I first kissed you outside the State Library. Good guess. Don't you remember? That's good.

Yeah. Or to get her back, you could fuck Manu. Hey, there you go. Beat her to the punch. I like that everyone that comes in to her always automatically starts going, oh, you're a lovely girlfriend or whatever, because I think people just get in here and get a whiff of what I'm on about and go, oh, you must be lovely to put up with this shit. Yeah.

That's good. But no, seriously, has she? I'm not trying to, you know, stir it up. I'm not trying to dredge up anything Yeah. That's good. But no, seriously, I'm not trying to stir it up. I'm not trying to dredge up anything new. That's just a welcome side effect. There was two episodes in a row where you looked very uncomfortable about the possibility of her hearing what we were talking about, and has it come to pass?

Has she listened? He's now strangling the microphone. He's packing up. He's walking out the door. I'm taking off items at closing. Oh, she doesn't want to hear that. I'm obviously the comedy's equivalent of money. With two sexy ladies in the studio.

I'm Rodney Dangerfielding. I'm pulling the collar out to let air in. No, I think she has missed a couple. I think she's just behind. But she's very aware of what's going on because she hears the feedback. She'll hear the subjects being brought up. I did tell her that we had Mick Malloy in and I got a grilling for, what we did was we went out for dinner.

I took my mum and dad out for dinner and my girlfriend came along. Whose name is Diane? Yes. And I took my parents out to Rockpool, which is a very expensive restaurant, you know, Rockpool. And I was debating on whether the right thing to do is she was, my girlfriend's assuming that she gets paid for by me because I'm bringing my parents out for dinner.

And I was debating whether that's the right thing to assume. Carl Chandler. Carl Chandler, do you live together? Yeah. Well, why the hell would you not pay for your girlfriend if you're taking them all out to dinner? And this is, Cal, like, I will say this. Mick Malloy had the exact same reaction as you.

That's when you know you're in trouble, when Malloy's giving you a drubbing. So, okay, talk me through this. In your relationship, do you keep track of how much money, like, oh, I had to lend her $1.50 for a bottle of milk? No. Guys, I'm just going to go and get a Fanta and let you sort this out. I'll be back in about 20 minutes. And when you go out for dinner, do you pay for yourselves

or do you like one time you'll pay for her, one time she'll pay for you? It'll generally be we pay for ourselves and then sometimes I'll pay for everything, but she will never pay for everything. And let's make this clear. I do a podcast and she has a job. So let's put that on the table. You're saying that she's very motivated and works very hard. And I don't pick my guests well enough.

You like to chat. Okay, so tell me the end of the story. Did you pay for her? I paid for about half. I put all my money out that I had, so I think I paid for like everyone plus half of hers. For everyone plus your girlfriend? Yeah. She's not an everyone.

No, no, no, but there was four of us. It's an expensive restaurant. I just put all my money out there and it added up to be, I think, about $30. She had to pay about $30. But she got a $100 meal or something. It was like a good shopper docket. I took you out for a discount. It was like a good shopper docket.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a good shopper docket. And how did your parents react to this? Well, they were fine. I paid for them. They didn't see the… They didn't see the scrambling for change. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They didn't see me going through the twos and ones. And so your parents, does this stand back to your childhood? Like, does your dad pay for your mum's dinner? I don't know. But I don't think this is as big an issue as it should be. Carl, let me talk you through what's happening right now. I know what's happening. I know what's happening.

It's an intervention. In a country pub somewhere, your girlfriend Diane, she's sitting in there with Manu, looking over the menu. The bills come without hesitation. He's whipped the wallet out. He's chucked the credit card straight down. Not another word said about it. And she in her head is going, this is how life should be.

This is what it should be like. Either that's happened or this scenario's happened. In a country pub somewhere, Manu's just gone in and cooked the meal. Oh, even worse. Even worse. Oh. Well, you know what? Hasn't even charged her for the ingredients.

That all came up on the Mick Malloy episode, and it was funny because then I think Will Anderson, friend of the show, mentioned something on Twitter about us, and you should listen to these guys. And I sent him a message and said, oh, thanks very much for the mention. He said, no, no worries at all. I think it's going great. That episode of Mick Malloy was great. And I was like, oh, thanks again.

And then he just sent a message back going, by the way, don't be such a fucking tight ass. Pay for your girlfriend's meal, for Christ's sake. I love that. I love that. Because what it says, basically, you're taking your parents out for an expensive meal at Rockpool and your girlfriend. And you're, basically, you're taking your parents out for an expensive meal at Rockpool and your girlfriend, and you're basically going, we're having a special occasion apart

from you. Yeah, yeah. I'm surprised you didn't make us sit on a separate table. Yeah, would you mind just... But you know what I was unhappy with? I was unhappy with the... What were you unhappy with? With the just assumption that I'm just the guy that pays for everything.

That's what I'm a little bit unhappy with. Does she assume what else you pay for? Well, you obviously don't pay for stuff. You're still debating whether or not she has to pay for it. No, but you know what? You know what? And I feel bad because I'll pay for anything that she can get away with. We'll go to the till and she'll just stand there and I'll go,

am I paying for all this again? Am I? I see what you mean. I just think it's a little bit like, you know, the difference between men and women, this is getting down to again, which is always this. It's like cats and dogs. Yeah. And I'm just, and I can't help but get myself in trouble when we start talking about stuff

like this, but it's just, it just blows me away that in this day and age, with all the, with all the movements that have happened and everything. Oh my God. I can see you aging visibly. I can't believe you just said in this day and age. We can put a man on the moon, but my girlfriend can't pay for her dinner. Can't pay for her bloody T-bone, hey? God.

No, but it's still assumed. I still get it. The assumed thing is that I'm supposed to pay for everything. Maybe you've just got the one dud chick that still thinks that. Maybe the rest of the world is going, what? I don't know. I don't know. But it's that thing of.

Do you know what's going to happen now is that your girlfriend's going to listen to this podcast and go, you let her get away with calling me a dud chick and you did not defend my honor. You didn't say, no, she's gorgeous. Because you know what's happening on this book tour? Her friends are saying to her, you know, Cal Chandler's doing the podcast today with Cal Wilson. She's a fucking man eater. You know, that hot Cal Wilson off the telly.

She's going to be sinking her talents into your boyfriend. And in the other ear, she's got Yeah. Yeah. Have we talked enough about this? I hope so. I think we've talked enough. Hey, why don't we take a quick break?

We'll be back with more Little Dumb Dumb Club with Cal Wilson right after this. So today's sponsor of the Little Dumb Dumb Club, as we've mentioned, is Punchline DVDs at punchline.com.au. Cal, I've searched today's guest, Cal Wilson, and she appears on the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Best of the Gala Collection that you can get on Punchline, featuring footage from 2003, 4, 5 and 6. All the greats are on there.

You've got Damien Callan and Dave Callan, Freestyle Love Supreme, The Kransky Scissors. What's Freestyle Love Supreme? I don't know. Is that one of the greats? Is that truly one of the greats? Yeah, I don't know. I said the greats and then just started randomly picking names off here.

Todd Barry's on there? I said Barry's good. Todd Barry's great. I had a really weird chat with him in the street outside the Comedy Cellar in New York. You didn't need to say anything else after a really weird chat because I'd say that would be pretty universal with him. But hey, last night we got some sweet sponsor greased action. We got some DVDs.

We got the brand newie from Greg Fleet. The brand newie from Friend of the Show, Harley Breen. We got a, what's the English comedian's name again? Stuart Lee. You got Stuart Lee's DVD? Stuart Lee. The great Stuart Lee. If you haven't seen Stuart Lee, if you like stand-up comedy, if you're a fan of it, if

you're a connoisseur. If you're a bit too into it. Yeah. Definitely check out Stuart Lee because he's next level. He's really, really great. If you like stand-up comedy, if you're a fan of it, if you're a connoisseur. If you're a bit too into it. Yeah, definitely check out Stuart Lee because he's next level. He's really, really great. What else did they give us? They gave us Nina Conti. If you're a fan of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, you may have been familiar with her.

She did shows a couple of years in a row. She won the Barry one year. She's sort of a stand-up ventriloquist, but not a shitty ventriloquist, like actually kind of half-decent ventriloquist, but not a shitty ventriloquist, like actually kind of half-decent ventriloquism, which is a big call coming from me because I generally cannot stand the form. But I actually quite like Nina Conti. We've got given Anthony Salome, who he's a Sydney guy, I believe. They've also got just in the, you may also be interested in,

when I bring up the galley, you can get Arj Barker's DVDs on there, the Carl Barron twin pack, people love him and Cole Elliott I can't believe I can't believe I said that so get that and then you too can be saying I can't believe he said that. If you're a fan of being

incredulous, get yourself some Cole Elliott I've bought up the DVD cover here and there's him doing a bit of Asian gear with big teeth, and he's kind of squinting his eyes. There'll be some chopsticks involved, surely. There's even a bit of blackface going on on the cover of the DVD. I can feel guys having pause. They've gotten out of iTunes already.

They've gone straight to punchline.com already. So if you are a fan of blackface, head over to punchline.com. They're the sponsors of the Little Dum Dum Club. The last time they ever sponsored us as well. Make the most of it. Making way for next week, the Ku Klux Klan is going to be in here giving us their dollar. But, guys, they have so many comedy DVDs.

I keep forgetting how much good stuff they have. Fleety and Harley and Stuart Lee are all awesome DVDs. And Zach Galifianakis has got his live DVD, which is one of the best DVDs. I keep forgetting how much good stuff I have. Fleety and Harley and Stuart Lee are all awesome DVDs. And Zach Galifianakis has got his live DVD, which is one of the best DVDs I've seen. And they were telling us last night they're bringing out some stuff later in the year, which is very, very cool. So we'll keep you updated with that. Check it out, punchline.com.au.

We are back from being absolutely nowhere on the little dum-dum club with Cal Wilson. We were talking before we got sidetracked about our dalliance with the corporate dollar, taking a bit of coin from the man, hosting a Jenga tournament over the weekend. Cal, you, of course, as we mentioned, you're no stranger to the corporate. I've done it for years. And I did a lot of corporate gigs as an improviser back in New Zealand

for years. We had a company that would go and do improvised gigs. You learn stuff about the company, and then you can make up a scene for them and then just throw stuff. What about that Julian from Accounts? And they go, wow, that's amazing, hilarious. How did they know? Which way the beer label faces, all that sort of stuff.

Yeah, all that stuff. Well, this is a man's side of Blackcurrant and Cherry Flavor. So you did loads of those gigs. And sometimes they go really, really well and people would love them. And other times they would just be diabolical. The two that I remember as being the worst ever gigs in the world. One was we were hired to do the Christmas function for some chicken factory workers. And we found out.

We found out. After a year slaving away and ripping apart chickens, that's what you want, a little bit of. A little bit of theater sports. And now I'm a dentist and you're a fireman. Yeah. Go. If only that had been that good.

So what happened was we found out afterwards we'd been hired specifically as a distraction to slow their drinking down. Oh. Because they went, oh, we've got to get some entertainment in because they just get too smashed and it's really bad. And so we got there at five o'clock and they'd been drinking since four and they were wasted. They were wasted. They were angry because their Christmas dinner was chicken drumsticks.

So these are chicken factory workers who disembowel and section up these birds all year. And what they've been given for their Christmas dinner is chicken drumsticks. And also they've got to pay for their girlfriend's chicken drumsticks. Oh, what a low act. So we get there, they're drunk, they're angry, and our stage is a pallet in front of the bar, and they've put it there deliberately so that you can't. A blockade.

Yeah, a blockade. So people are just walking over the pallet to get to the barman because we're in their way. No offence at all, but whenever I see improvisation stuff, I generally drink quicker. When it's bad, it's awful. When it's good, it's amazing, but no one ever believes me. So we were doing this gig, and it was going really, really badly,

and then at one point we had people up to move us. We were doing a puppet scene, so you do the words, the audience member moves you. One of the guys goes, oh, come on, come on, I'll hit you if you don't stop talking like that, like trying to get the woman to move him just to do some sort of physical offer. And she goes, yeah, why don't you fucking hit him? He's an asshole. And at that point we went, oh, we're not in Kansas anymore. And then they just got really bored with us

and they just pelted us with chicken drumsticks until we left the room. We ran out into the car park under a hail of chicken fire. And they'd know their way around a chicken drumstick as well. Well, they're quite good with knives as well. That's one of the points. What a delicious heckle. I would love that.

How can you come back against chicken at high velocity? If anyone wants to come to our live shows at the Comedy Festival with a big box of popcorn chicken from KFC and just start lobbing nuggets at me. Yeah, popcorn chicken's all right. Yeah, fine, you catch that in your mouth. Yeah, yeah. For some reason when you said chicken factory, I don't know why I'm picturing it like this,

but I don't know if you watch Breaking Bad. I'm picturing it like as a bunker for some reason. I'm picturing it like underground, like no windows, like really poorly ventilated. Making illegal chicken. Yeah, that's why I'm picturing it like underground, like no windows, like really poorly ventilated. Making illegal chickens. Yeah. That's why I'm picturing it like that. It was pretty windowless and when you got there and you got out of the car, you were just aware that it was a kind of like drifts of chicken feathers, like tumbleweed in the car park. That is not a lie. There's just like these little wafts of chicken feathers around the place.

And a lot of people with beak marks in their arms and stuff. And the other worst corporate function I've ever done was, again, as an improviser. And we did this thing. I think you should quit improv. I don't do it anymore as a corporate. I do. I do.

I MC stuff now. It's just lucky that all this is scripted. So now these days I just do stand-up and MC and stuff like that, and I'm very good. But we were doing this other function for a big company, and we had to do a mingle, which was my least favorite thing, where you go in as a character and you just talk to people as a character. Oh, yeah.

And people either really hate it and want to glass you, or they quite love it. And usually they quite love it. And so I was doing this mingle for a while, and a guy had tipped a beer over me. It was just being a real, I was like, what? I didn't even talk to you, just tipped a beer over me. Then we did our little set of improv and it went really badly.

No one really liked it. And it was just, it was just a really weird feeling in the room. And in the end, I said to one of the guests, what the hell's wrong with everyone? Like, just everyone's really weird and aggro. And he goes, oh, we got told we'd all been made redundant half an hour before you came in. So it was their Christmas function. They'd been told before Christmas that none of them had jobs and then they went, here's

some theater sports. And your Christmas bonuses is chicken drumsticks. Man, that is horrendous. Yeah, it was awful. I just felt like, oh God. And the other worst one was when I was dressed as Cleopatra Doing a mingle at a law gig Going, really, this is the last time I'm doing this kind of thing What's the connection there?

I can't even remember, I was dressed as Cleopatra And I ran into my two flatmates Who'd never seen me do it before And they were quite high-powered lawyers And I was like, the shame I'll see you at home Yeah, hideous Wow, what was it?

Was it sort of like an Egyptian theme kind of thing? I don't even remember God, I should hope so if you were dressed like Cleopatra Yeah, I think so I hope there was something, somehow theme connected Maybe it was about magazines and I should have just been Cleo I can't remember Just some weirdo in the office who's seen you on telly

And it's a fantasy of his Yeah, the themes are The themes are Slave Princess Leia from Star Wars. Themes are sex with me. Where'd everyone go? You were also on Dancing with the Stars. I was. We went back to back

Dancing with the Stars guests last two weeks. Yeah, and we danced with the same dude. Oh, really? Fiona Lachlan and you. Fiona had my leavings. He was the most adorable man, Craig. He was just the best dancer. He was really patient. He was like a real, like, because I had this idea of dancers as being, like, even

sort of more neurotic than actors and comedians and stuff. But he was like a sportsman. He treated it like a sport. And so he was a lot like my husband, who's a sports dude. And so it was a great, just like it was a much more grounded sort of experience. But I had one of those moments because you know how they talk about, you know, you go and dance with the stars and you get on with your partner and there's all that sexual tension

and stuff like that. None of that with Craig. His partner was his dance partner and they'd danced together since they were kids. So they were a really strong unit and I was a strong unit with my husband. So we had this like little quartet of, yay, we're going to do really well in dancing with the Stars. We didn't, but nevermind. So there was like no sexual tension, except this one day we started rehearsing a tango

and we're in the rehearsal room and we go into the tango hold and I suddenly go, I can feel something. I can feel something firm in the waist region. And it's not a chicken drumstick. It's not a chicken drumstick. And I was like, what do I do? What do I do? So I kept dancing for a few minutes.

I was like, oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, my God, oh, my God. And then I looked down and it was the knot of his jumper. So I had this two minutes of like, oh, my God, oh, my God, I've turned my partner off. His jersey likes me. Who else was on the same year as you? Jodie, why can't I remember her name?

Jodie Gordon. Jodie Gordon. I've got it right here. Danny Green was on. Who was that? Danny Green, Paul Curia. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else?

I can't remember. Red Simons. Yeah, Luke Jacobs, who won it. That's right, he did win it. Jacobs with a Z. Yep.ons. Yeah, Luke Jacobs, who won it. That's right. He did win it. Jacobs with a Z. Yep. Yeah.

Yep. Oh, that was obvious. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. The best part about it was wearing the shiny costumes. Oh, really? Getting to dress up as a little tradie drag queen. Any bad people?

Who were the worst people? What do you mean? Like worst dancers? No, worst people. There wasn't really any worst people. Was there any backstage, you were mentioning before, you know, like people getting off with each other? Yeah, no, I missed all of that.

I heard stories, which I'm totally not going to tell you. Because I worked at Channel 7 one year while that was on and we'd come into the office on Monday morning and we'd just hear all this gossip about which Home and Away cast member was allegedly boning their dancer. And then watching it made it more fun because I had to watch the show as part of my job. Maybe they were just telling us that to get us through it. Yeah, yeah.

The weird thing is that you start off and they put you in fishnets and some tiny glittery thing and you go, I have never felt so naked. I feel so naked. It's Cleopatra week. Can I have a room in the house? So you feel incredibly naked and vulnerable. And then by about three days in, you just wander around in your fishnets and your bra and your knickers. And you're like, I am completely fully dry.

This is like a trench coat. I'm completely clothed. But then the bad thing is like being a little short sort of average sized woman walking around amongst gazelles and giraffe like dancers who've been dancing for years and have the most perfect bodies, you do kind of go, I don't belong here. Dancing. Were you any good at dancing before you went in there? No. My problem is I like to lead, which is fine and stand up,

but when you're a woman dancing, the men don't like it. Yeah, right. Have you been, because we've got quite a few people in lately that have been approached to be in the newer, more dodgier celebrity sort of shows, like Celebrity Apprentice and all that sort of stuff. Any more? Any more coming your way? No, no.

Dancing with Stars, it was kind of like, I've always watched the show and loved it and I've always gone on actually quite a lot to do that and I really enjoyed it and it was great for going completely outside your comfort zone because I'm not, like, even now if I hear the music that they play at the start of the show, I go, oh, because it means I'm about to have to dance in a minute. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, and like I was quite shit at it. So it was a real challenge.

I don't like to be not very good at things and so it was a real challenge to actually go, I'm just going to do it and be a bit shit at it. Well, that's good that you actually enjoyed it before because we were talking with Pete Heller a few weeks ago and he was saying that you get asked to do those things and the comic party thinks, yeah, I'll do that because it'll be great for material. But the thing that you forget is that at a certain point, you are going to have to commit and actually play whatever game it is. And then that wall that you've got of like, I'm just doing this for gags is just going to fall down because you're going to be crying because you can't learn the bloody two-step or whatever it is. I mean, you look at Julia Morrison's Celebrity Apprentice, brilliant. Right.

She played that show so beautifully. Yeah. It was so great for her. And she was hilarious on it and everything. Like, if you've got a handle on what sort of show it is, then it's going to work really well for you. But if you go on with like, oh, I'm just going to take the piss out of it, at some point they will break you down and you will make a dick of yourself.

Yeah. That must be so hard to escape the editing process though because they can do what they want with you. Yeah, of course. And it makes great television. And that's why you watch it. All you have to do is frown once in four weeks and they'll capture that and then go, check out frowny, hey?

And then the whole nation hates you. Yeah. And I think the thing is it's like when people go on stuff like Big Brother or any show like that, just like punters go on it, you don't realize what they can do. You don't realize about editing and you don't realize how confronting it is to be followed around by a camera. And you just have no idea of what you're letting yourself in for. It's like my favorite show to watch, and I'm sure you don't watch this, Four Weddings.

Oh, I've seen you. I love that show. So what it is, it's four women from either, they've got a UK version, a US version, an Aussie version. So they just go on, they go to three other brides' weddings and then they rate the wedding on how much they like the dress, the food, the venue. And the thing is that they go on and they talk about it, they get interviewed and they go,

oh, I really hated Shondell's dress. She looked like a tramp. And then what I want to see, though, is the show where you see them all sitting watching the show together because Shondell's dress. She looked like a tramp. And then what I want to see, though, is the show where you see them all sitting watching the show together. Because Shondell's going to go, you said what about my dress? Like, you don't have any idea of the consequences of what you're doing. That's what I'm saying.

I feel like you tweet about four weddings as much as the rest of Australia tweets about Q&A. You're very into it. QANDA. QANDA. Yeah. I've never watched QANDA. Yeah, me neither.

Please, let's not get into it. Yeah, let's not talk about it again. You know a new one that I saw the other day, Snog Mary Avoid. Did you happen to catch that? No. It's on Channel 7. It's on 11, I believe, on a Friday night. Channel 7-11 so far we've got.

And they get, it's British, and they get those real kind of scraggy girls, like way too much makeup, hair extensions. There's this one girl that literally before she was going out, she's gotten a friend to just wrap her tits in like black gaffer tape and that was it, no top, just straight out into the club like that. And that wasn't like for exfoliation purposes or anything like that? No, that was her outfit. Yeah.

And then they do like a make-under and they get rid of that. Take the tape off her boobs. Yeah. No! They have to take all their hair extensions out and then they make them look normal. But it's awesome. Like it's awesome to watch them. It's one of those things.

You know what? It's like a really small scale Laudette to Lady. It's Laudette to Lady without the budget. We don't have the time to really coach you how to be normal and not a scrag. We'll just chuck a nice dress on you and be done with it in six seconds. Yeah, and tomorrow night you'll be out vomiting into a bin. Yeah, exactly. Well, I've got a new, I know I've spoken about this before,

I've got a new fascination with, I'm not much of a TV watcher, but now I am. I'm doing a lot of office work at home and I just have the TV on in the background. You've got Channel 11 on and Channel 7, mate, and all the stuff that's just got old sitcoms, old TV. So I just have them on all the time now. So I'm a big fan of The Love Boat. I'm a big fan of The A-Team.

Big fan of Cheers now. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm a big fan of The Bachelor because it's so insane. And I'm sure I'm not pointing out anything that hasn't been pointed out before, but I just cannot believe the way that show is set up where there's like 20 girls who all they're talking and thinking about is getting this guy. Yeah. And this guy's just going, yeah, I'll have a bit from you now and now I'll have a bit from you.

Yeah. And they're just all, and the other girls know that he's, like, sleeping with these other girls or kissing them or whatever it is, and they're like, oh, yeah, but I hope he does it to me as well. And I was like, why are they – I think the only way you could deal with that show, if I had to be on it for any reason, would be to make sure I had a cold sore when I went in

so that snogged the guy and then he gives everyone else a cold sore. And then you could see who he's been patting. Bring it down from within, yeah. And fear's got to. What I can't help myself from doing now is that I watch it every time I can. And then whatever season, they have all different seasons on all the time. Whenever I start watching an episode, I get sucked into it. And then I can't help but give myself spoilers by getting straight onto Wikipedia.

I need to know how this ends. I need to know who gets married here. And you go through all of it. It's been going for like 12 seasons. It's never gone anywhere near getting someone in a relationship. Wasn't there Trista? Didn't Trista, wasn't that The Bachelor a million years ago? There was a woman who was a fireman or something.

It was one of the really early seasons of The Bachelor. There's never been a, because they get married or whatever. There's a proposal at the end, but there's never been a marriage. She might have been a bachelorette. Might have been a bachelorette. I actually think she got kicked out of, I know too much about this too. She got kicked out of The Bachelor. Oh, and then got a spin off.

And then got a spin off. Batgirl style. And she married a dude. Yeah. Yeah, right. Although, wouldn't that be more interesting if you had The Bachelorette and it was still 20 women competing for a woman's affections? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. Although, wouldn't that be more interesting if you had The Bachelorette and it was still 20 women competing for a woman's affections? Yeah.

Well, that's like the shot of love kind of shows with the icky twins. But with that girl and all the 20 other girls, who's going to pay for dinner, hey? They're just going to be sitting around. That's three episodes in a row right there. That's a challenge one week. Speaking of TV, I did this with my girlfriend the other night. We watched the very end of Friday Night Lights, which I don't know if we've talked about on

the show before. I don't think we have. Have you watched it, Cal? No, it's on my list of things I have to watch. It's such a great show. We're massive fans. Yeah, and I had already watched the final episode and then my girlfriend hadn't seen the last season, so I was watching it again with her.

And, you know, we've talked about the final episode. It's a great final episode of a series. It's just, you know, it's very emotional. It's a thing where some characters have left and then they come back for the final one, and it's just, you know. I don't need to watch the series. No, no, it's great. I think it's my favourite show of all time.

Yeah, it's great. You know, and after five seasons you're watching this and you really feel like it's the end of a journey and you feel invested. I remember you, Carl, telling me after you watched it, you'd watched it particularly late at night and then you got a bit emotional and ended up sitting up until 3 a.m. on Twitter finding all the actors and going, I just watched the last episode.

I love you so much. And so I said that to my girlfriend before we went in. I went, you know what, I nearly got a bit teary the first time I watched it. I reckon you'll cry. And so we watch it. She gets to the end and I watched it. I reckon you'll cry. And so we watch it. She gets to the end, and I'm looking at her thinking, there'll be waterworks, and there's just nothing. And she just turns to me and goes, Carl is soft.

Well, if we ever go on a double date, I know I'll be paying for my dinner, not my girlfriend's and not your girlfriend's. Why? That story hasn't changed that at all. That wouldn't have been any different. That reminds me, I saw her in the video shop the other day. Have you ever seen Marley and Me? The video shop?

Yeah, sorry. I have seen it, yeah. Oh, you've never seen it, Cal? I may have read some of it in a bookshop. I think I might have just gone to the last couple of tables. Is there a book? Oh, yeah. Of course, there's always a book.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. My girlfriend is a massive one. She actually says this. She doesn't like to see movies that have got any other emotion except for happiness in them. Okay. She doesn't want to watch thrillers or mystery or anything.

It's all, you know, Witherspoon has to be on the cover. It has to be a white cover. There has to be something about maybe bridesmaids in it. Yeah. Or there's got to be like a cooking show, something like that. Maybe she enjoys a cooking show with like a French host, maybe something like that. Some characters in there that have got a bit of money that like to splash out on people's meals maybe.

So she doesn't like to see sad movies. Yeah. That's what you're saying. Nothing at all. All happy, all happy because she's like, oh, there's enough. There's got to be a dress or a dog involved. Yes. A dog wearing a All happy. All happy. Because she's like, There's got to be a dress or a dog involved. Yes.

A dog wearing a dress. Bullseye. I don't like to watch movies with an animal in them because I know the animal will die. Yes. The animal always dies. It's like, my husband doesn't like horror movies,

so we don't watch horror movies. And they're not good for me because I have very vivid dreams. Don't watch Cujo. Oh, no. I've seen that. And I've read the book. Oh, right.

It was a book. I Am Legend. Oh, yeah. Will Smith. Oh, right. It was a book. The I Am Legend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't realize what that was about. And so when it started to be all kind of zombifying thing, but we were a bit tense about that. But when the dog, when he had a dog, I was like, oh, the dog, the dog is screwed.

The dog, anytime there's something that you invest in, you go, that dog is going to end up in a pie. The minute that volleyball showed up in Castlevania, I was like, he's going to get it. That is actually genuinely the one time I've cried in a movie, that bit in Castaway where he loses the volleyball. It's just so intense. I mean, I've cried heaps of times in movies. I cried at everything. I cried at ads.

Yeah, I cried at ads. I cried in Ratatouille because I was enjoying it so much. I cried at my husband's description of an episode of Medium. Oh, what? Didn't even see the episode. He was telling me about it. I had a wee cry. I cry in a lot of movies because my girlfriend makes me buy the popcorn.

A dollar. A dollar fifty. A dollar sixty. No, I cried at Marley and Meena. It was that thing where I'm sitting there side by side with my girlfriend and I'm like, by the end of it, I'm bawling but silently. Yeah. And I just give a quick little look over to my girlfriend who's just.

Stone-faced. Yeah, stone-faced. Like, oh, yeah, what are we going to watch next? And I'm like, I might go to sleep. And just turned over and hid as soon as I could. And you're messaging Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights going, have you seen Marley and Me? It was really sad.

And so the dog dies at the end of Marley and Me? Oh, spoiler alert. I have seen it, but I watched it because it is really the end. They just crank the cheesometer up as far as it'll go. They just go. You can't help it. They've done it too well. Yeah. They do too good of a job at it.

Hellful ever with making you cry. They telegraph it, but they still, it's like Babe Ruth pointing to outside the stadium and go, you know where it's going, but he's still going to hit it out there. Well, I watched it. I feel like I would have cried had I watched it in any other circumstances, but I watched it with friends of the show, Brenna Glazebrook and Talia Kane, with friend of the show, Bart Freiburg. Are they friends of the show or are they friends of you?

They're friends of you as well. Oh, okay. Can you shorten that to FOTS? FOTS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. FOTS. With FOTSes. FOTSy.

Anyway, my friends Brenna and Talia and friend of the show, Bart Freeburn. Yeah. Right? So we get near the end. The girls are, they're gone. They're already crying. Yeah. I'm feeling the beginnings of it and thinking this is, how's, Bart's not going to cry.

So this is going to be weird. And then it's, you know, the bit where he's in the vet at the very end. Bart's going to be comforting the girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I know Bart, I'll have both hands around them. But then Bart just turns around and goes, you know what would be awesome if this movie now ended with Marley strapped to the back of a bald eagle just flying through the Grand Canyon just to make it even more

of the American dream and then starts acting it out and then Brenner and Talia are doing that kind of half laugh, half cry kind of thing. We're like... And Bart's just like lying on the floor just pretending to be an eagle with a dog strapped to his back flying through the Grand Canyon. And do you reckon that was to stop himself crying?

Maybe, yeah, defence mechanism. I'm making a joke. Yeah, it was like being on a reality show. It was to stop himself from participating Maybe, yeah, defence mechanism. Making a joke. Yeah, it was like being on a reality show. It was to stop himself from participating too much. But now that's the weird thing. His imagery of it was so good that literally before when you said Marley and me, that's what I picture. I picture a Labrador on the back of an eagle.

Wow. Eagle. An eagle flying through the sky. That's like a seagull. You get it through the email. It's like Pokemon. It's like the seagull evolves into the eagle. Eagle. Eagle. Okay. It's like a seagull, but you get it through the email. It's like Pokemon. It's like the seagull evolves into the e-gull.

E-gull. E-gull. Okay. Well, why I bring it up is because I went to the video shop when I went to the Video Easy. Well, they're still called Video Easy. I do love that. I do love that. And I hope that never, I hope Video Easy never changes its name to DVD Easy.

I hope Video Busters. DVD Easy. Yeah. I hope Video Busters never. Video Busters, exactly. Never. Where they've just all got that weird little African knick-knacks section in the corner of the shop. That is the weirdest shop.

They sell like bootleg M&M t-shirts and stuff. In Smith Street, there's a shop called, oh, there's a chain of stores all around called Video Busters, which I find amazing because it's like, A, there's no videos in there anymore, and why are you trying to bust them? Why are you trying to bust your merchandise? Yeah, we got busted and they took all our videos. Yeah, yeah. You know what would have been amazing if all the video shops had jumped

way too early on Laserdiscs so they'd all like change the name, Laserdisc Easy, and then it lasts a year and they're like, oh, shit, we'll just wait this out a few years. So in Smith Street, it's half video shop, half just smocks for sale. But it's not even the Smith Street one. Every single one of them has that. No, there isn't. There is.

I think there's a video shop in Barclay Street in Footscray that sells a lot of really gorgeous, shiny Indian stuff. Right. That'd be the same deal. That's probably it. There's one in, like, Elstonwick, I think. I have definitely been to another one not on Smith Street that has that same deal.

Just this corner of shit. There's one in Airport West that I used to go out there and it was like- What? Yeah, yeah. Why? To hang out. No, no, no. I had a girlfriend that lived out there.

Oh, right. And did she pay for her own meals? Did she pay for her own flight? She did. She worked for the Air Force. Oh, okay. But they had a- A pilot?

No, no. Actually, she was- You know, if she did, she would never really tell me what she did because she wasn't allowed to. Probably rooting Manu. Yeah. No, I think she was like a code blocker or whatever, you know, where, you know, Air Force espionage and stuff like that. Or a cock blocker.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it's good to bring up relationships that ended really badly. But anyway, what else have we got? Diane will be making notes going to know about that one. They had a Video Busters out there and it was literally like this big shop and it just looked like the saddest video shop. I reckon they had about 15 videos in the whole shop. And it's like one whole trestle thing would have like two videos on it.

Like, oh, sad. They needed more clothes. I just still hope even when new ones open up that they still put video in the title. Yeah. I never want to see, you know, Jim's DVD or whatever. I want it to be exclusively. Video is just such a nice word. Yeah, yeah.

And you are still watching. You're watching video. You're watching a film. It's a video of stuff. It's vision. You know what I mean? Like technically. Well, why I bring it all up is because I saw in the video shop the other day, they've made

a prequel to Marley and Me. I saw that too. Yeah. Marley the early years. Marley and You. So in case you ever watched it and went, oh yeah, but I wonder what he got up to when he was a kid. I wonder if he was ever a puppy.

Yeah. So you could watch that and know that he's not going to die. He could have a friend that dies. Oh, I didn't think that. He could be the only surviving puppy from a litter of 12. There could be 11 terrible puppy deaths. Maybe he's like the Damien of puppies and he just like kills people. You're making me start to tear up now.

But isn't, like in the film, Isn't he like a puppy When they get him Yeah When they get him Yeah So what this film Is just like The day He's just in the litter

Before they The 30 days Before they get him The adventures That weren't good enough To get into the Highlights package In Marley and Me

There's a lot of Bottom sniffing And two dogs Getting it on Yeah So it's basically A porn movie Yes

It could be like An Ember and R one And Marley and Me Was PG So you just had This is Marley up late. Yeah, right. Marley uncut. Hey, guys, speaking of dogs, I've moved house about a month and a half ago,

as we've discussed on the show. And with your girlfriend. What a horrible segue. She's not a dog. Why are you? Don't try and taunt my relationship like you're trying to taunt yours, okay? I pay for everything for her, man. I bet you don't.

We live near Edinburgh Gardens now, which I didn't realise until I lived there, but it is the best park for dog spotting. It is just so good. Every time I go to a gig, I deliberately leave the house half an hour early to just stand in the park because you get all sorts. It's great. I love dogs. Man, it is so much fun.

But I feel like because we're looking after my girlfriend's dog at the moment, so I kind of have to take him. Otherwise, it's like you can't just be a dude on your own in the park going up to other people's dogs and going, what's your name? People are like, so where's yours? Do you have a horse in this race or are you just some weirdo touching random people's dogs? No, I just live down the street.

I just come here to hang out. Why buy a cow if you can get the milk for free, as they say? Just go down and get all the padding done. Milk someone's dog. Yeah, you don't have to clean it up. You don't have to feed it. You just get all the padding. Yeah.

That'd be sweet. I'm a bit harsh though because I'm judge. I think I've talked about this on the show before. I'm judgmental of dogs. Sometimes you see people with a shit dog and you go, how can you love that? Like, you know, those really shitty breeds, just a dodgy looking breed that's all ratty and yuck. You know those yuck dogs?

They just look no good. They're ugly. They're not cute. They're just meh. They're just walking around. So little dogs, you don't like little dogs? I like little dogs, but I like a certain breed. But not yuck dogs?

You know the kind, you know, sometimes you see a dog and you think it's just not for you. How could anyone love that? I get sad when I see old dogs. Yeah. Like when you see a dog and you think it's just not for you. How could anyone love that? I get sad when I see old dogs. Yeah. Like when you see a dog that's got grey on its muzzle. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

That's what I was going to say. Oh, there's sorrow ahead. Oh man, there was three. And he's starting to walk a bit slow and you can see the owner. You know, usually. Just see if it's an old person

with an old dog. Yeah. You know which one's going to go first. It's a rat. Yeah, but what about when you see an old person with a new dog?

You go, what's the point? What'd you do that for? That's lovely because you go, there's been sorrow and now there is happiness. No, but I think what if that boy falls over, breaks a hip and can't move and the young dog's sitting there with his best years ahead of him and he can't eat or anything? He'll probably eat the person. There are stories though.

These are my favourite stories, like animal rescue stories. And there was a case a few years ago where it wasn't a dog but a cat dialed for help. Oh, yes. That never happened. No, no. It was totally in the paper years ago where it wasn't a dog, but a cat dialed for help. Oh, yes. That never happened. No, no. It was totally in the paper. No, it didn't happen.

A guy in a wheelchair in the States, and he had a companion cat, and he tried to teach it to dial 111 on the phone. Why 111? Because that's their emergency. Oh, right. Because if they'd gone, oh, oh, oh, the Aussies wouldn't have been able to help them. Oh, okay. Or is it 999 over there?

I don't know. 911. Yeah. 911, yeah. So, what is it, 999 over there? I don't know. 911. Yeah. 911, yeah. So, taught him to dial the emergency thing. The cat was always like, yeah, not really interested, whatever. But then he had a fall, and the cat managed to dial for help. Wow.

The only known case of a cat rescuing something. That never happened. That never happened. It totally happened. You know what that is? That's like the canine version. Oh, no, not canine. That's the feline version of, like, letters to penthouse.

When they put in these fantasies and whatever. I never believed it until it happened to me. Exactly. What if you'd, like, at a certain point, like in the 90s in Australia, if you'd been trying to train your cat to do that and then you collapsed and the cat just dialed 131166 to get the TV on with Pizza Hut all the time? That must have happened, surely. There must have been instances of that happening.

Totally. This was like a photograph of the paper and everything of the cat, you know, owner in the background cat right up close to the time. That must have happened, surely. There must have been instances of that happening. Totally. This was like a photograph of the paper and everything of the cat, you know, owner in the background cat right up close to the camera. It was totally real. That could have helped because if someone had fallen over with a diabetic attack and all of a sudden the Pizza Hut delivery guy turns up with like a couple of drumsticks, you're bang. You're back in the game.

Yeah, Dougie's done his ambulance course, hasn't he? When you say drumsticks, did you mean chicken drumsticks? No, no, no. Ice cream, yeah. Oh, all right. I'm going to bring this up. Okay. What do you think about this?

Oh, man. All of a sudden, you know that thing where you start to say something and then you're quickly wrapping up in your head, no, I'm going to come out negative out of this. You started out so positive with that and then just went down immediately. It's just another tie-dye story. Tell us. Because you know there's that saying that every group of friends has a tight ass and if you don't know who it is, it's you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm always aware of that. I always try and make sure you get your shout out because I'm like, I'd rather pay whatever you've got to pay to not be that guy. Anyway. So what was the story about you being a tight ass? Yeah, no. That's yet to be confirmed.

We went to a party thing and everyone chipped in for the house for Pizza Hut and garlic bread and whatever. They rang up for a deal and they got a deal

and it was pizza. It was garlic bread and they go, oh, and they're chucking in cornettos. I'm like, awesome,

nice one. So we went around there and we got the pizza. We got the garlic bread waiting around. Anyway, it's the end of the party. So everyone, we've got to go now. Where's the Cornettos?

They kept the Cornettos. Kept the Cornettos. What do you think about that? No, I think you. Are you the person that kept the Cornettos? No. No. I'm saving them for my girlfriend's birthday.

Did you then rack stuff out of their pantry to make up for not getting your Cornetto? No, I didn't think about it until I left. No, that's fair enough. Is it? No, no, I think you're fair enough for feeling hard done by. I had a guy come over to a party at our house when it was like my first student flat kind of thing. And he brought with him a packet of chocolate biscuits and like three were eaten. So he took the rest home.

And he like, not even to the, like, can I have my chocolate biscuits? Like actually asked for them and then took them home. I was like, I've never encountered that level of tight arsery. I had a guy when we were, when I was living in student housing where we went out and bought a couple of slabs or whatever and then

that guy had put, we'd all put in equal amounts or whatever. But then we'd left like a bunch of the change on the table. And he was, he then went up and like picked up each one of the coins and was like just pretending to play with them and going, yeah, just, just chucking the coins in a box. And then slowly we noticed that the coins were just going down and going down and he just took all of them. And we started, we saw it and we didn't know this guy that well.

And so there's like four or five of us just being very aware of it and just speaking in really horrific code to each other, just going, yeah, the old, why don't we just chuck whatever we can find in our pockets? What do you reckon about that? Why don't we, the old coins you tricked. Jeez, how's the magician going over here? And this guy is just pretending he doesn't realize what's happening. And then what he did was he goes, we're just flat out going,

Coinsy, how's your mate Coinsy going? You've told me this story before and the detail that I like. You said that you were being so blatant about it at one point you were doing drawings of him. Yes, that's right. That's right. Diagrams of what he was doing in front of him. So then what he did was he got up and just, this is like midnight, right?

Yeah. He got up and went, oh, I'm just going to go for a walk down the street. I went, oh, well, that story checks out. Why wouldn't you walk down the street at midnight in Ballarat? So he walked. He said, anyway, see you guys. And he walked out, left the door ajar. And we just go, what was all that about?

How's your mate pinching all the money and then going for a walk at midnight? And then another guy goes, hey, and points at the door. And we realize he hadn't gone for a walk at all. He was peeking through the hinges of the door at us. To see what you'd say about him. Yeah, yeah. What a fruit bag. Yes. And then did he come back in surprised?

Yeah, I think he literally came back in like five minutes later going, oh, that was refreshing. I'm like, oh yeah, I bet it was. Your eye got refreshed with the air going through the hinge and whatever. How bizarre. I know, that was weird. Suddenly, I'm not looking so bad after all. No, you're still looking horrendous.

I have a friend that's really tight I'm not looking so bad after all, hey? No, you're still looking horrendous. I have a friend that's really tight, and if we all go out as a group together for dinner, she will always go to the loo just at the end of the meal and pay for her share up at the counter so that when it comes time to go, oh, we'll split the bill, she'll go, oh, yeah, I've already done mine. Yeah. Every single time. You might like to try that with your girlfriend. No. No.

Hey, guys, we're just about out of time, but I want to bring up a little bit of mailbag just before we get out of here. We've got an email here from a listener who I think he's been in touch a few times before, Christopher Peterson. Hey, guys, my wife. Where's he from? I believe he's from America. Oh, America's. Hey, guys, my wife is in Melbourne right now.

So in the style of Carl's girlfriend, what should I ask her to bring me back? And not in the style of Carl's girlfriend. I do think that it should be something that I cannot get in America. Also, it must fit in a suitcase or backpack. Suggestions? Oh, that guy that busks on Swanston Street with the electronic noises and he's dressing tinfoil. Did you not hear the bit about fitting into a suitcase or backpack?

He's not a big dude. I suppose so, yeah. What, you mean the sonic manipulator? Yeah, that guy. Yeah, okay. What from Melbourne? A tram, a miniature tram, a T-shirt with I heart Melbourne on it. Can't get that in the States unless you're in Florida.

There's a Melbourne thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a good really Melbourne thing? Melbourne. Get a kebab from the Swanston Walk Cafe. Smuggle that in. Yeah, get a potato cake from the Golden Towers. Yep.

Or a dim sum from the South Melbourne Market. Oh, yeah. Yeah, food. Pirated DVDs from Sunshine. That's my local specialty. Go down to Video Busters and get yourself a tribal necklace. That'd be good. Actually, that's what she should do.

She should get him something from Video Busters. I'm going to say that. No. That's stupid. An ex-rental video. Yeah should get him something from Video Busters. I'm going to say that. No. Why not? That's stupid. An ex-rental video. Yeah, an ex-rental. Ex-rental Crocodile 3 in Los Angeles.

Yes, there you go. Perfect. No, what's something good Melbourne? What's a Melbourne thing? I don't even know. What's the address of the chicken factory? Maybe she can get him a fossilized drumstick. New Zealand, unfortunately.

There's a really great shop on Clarendon Street called That's Melbourne or something like that, and it sells cool like, cool Melbourne stuff. Yeah, right, okay. But that's, like, not a funny answer. That's just shopping information. Yeah, this has turned into a different kind of show altogether. I've always thought that would be kind of a funny thing to do, like, in your own city, like, wear all the tourist merchandise

from your own city. Like, if I was always getting around in a T-shirt with a tram with Melbourne on it. That's what I always wanted to do with our indoor soccer side. I wanted to get our uniform from the tourist shops in Swanston Street. So we've just got these bright green shirts saying, I love Australia running around in them. Looking like exchange students or something. There's nothing better than being in Edinburgh and watching the tourists

wearing the Scottish hats with the built-in orange hair. Oh, yeah. There's nothing that makes you look like a bigot all. Yeah. But if you're actually a Scottish person doing that, quite hair. Oh, yeah. There's nothing that makes you look like a bigot at all. Yeah. But if you're actually a Scottish person doing that, quite funny. Yeah, that's horrendous. I don't know if we've come to the bottom of it. I still think it's a can of VB.

Because it's got a unique... Where else? You don't get that in America. You know what? That's what I always do. I always get lollies. Yeah, blackcurrant cider. Local lollies.

Yep, yep. Get some of that. Jenga? Yeah, giant Jenga. No, local lollies. Yep, yep. Get some of that. Jenga. Yeah, giant Jenga. No, local lollies, because that's what I always liked about going to America. You'd bring back lollies, because people like lollies, and they've got different wrappers. You go, wow. What's the Castle Main?

Castle Main Rock. Yeah, that. Get some of that. Smarties. Daryl Lee action. Daryl Lee, yeah. Smarties, the poor Australian man's M&M. I could not believe that there was such a thing as a chocolate bilby when I got here.

I thought it was like a legend. Chocolate bilby. Chocolate bilby, there you go. Is there anything else? Violet crumble? Is that? American man won't know what a bilby is. He'll go, oh, that sounds a little bit like we're back at the sex shop.

Good, where you hear our theme song. Chocolate bilby. Chocolate bilby as well. That sounds especially weird. That's a softer option. All right, some good suggestions in there. Yeah, I think that'll work. Cool.

Well, that's it for the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week, guys. Cal Wilson, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks for letting me join you. An absolute treat. You've got a show coming up at the Melbourne Comedy Festival called All Ears. That's right. Is that travelling to anywhere else? It's travelling to Auckland for a week afterwards.

So it's a show about how stories are always funnier than jokes. People's real stories are always better than something you could write. I think we've proven that over the last hour. Anyone, I don't know if we have any New Zealand listeners, but if you are a New Zealand, get in touch with us. We've got a couple from Germany, from the UK. We've found out we have some Lebanon and Tokyo listeners, so we've been trying to track down where in the world.

Yeah, New Zealand. I don't know if we have New Zealand. Maybe you can be our bridge to New Zealand. Bridge to nowhere, you were going to say. How about this before we go? A couple of shout-outs for what we've got coming up and whatever. We've always got the T-shirts. If people haven't seen what the T-shirts are, we've got Hey Mate T-shirts in grey.

Why are you spruiking these to the dude that needs something from Melbourne? Oh, yes! Yes! We are true idiots. What a Christopher Peterson's wife. Get onto us and get your hubby a T-shirt. Yeah, we've got grey and blue T-shirts. You know what?

I think he may have already bought one. I feel like he may have already bought one. Anyway, we can work that out. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, we've got the grey and blue T-shirts. What we've got, because of our sponsors, our sweet sponsors, Punchline, we've got a couple of DVDs to give away.

If you want to buy a T-shirt, we'll slip a DVD into the mix. Yeah. We've got like a copy of Greg Fleet's brand new DVD, Tie-Dye. Mm-hmm. Friend of the show, Harley Breen. Friend of the show, Harley Breen, The Kingswood and I. Steve Hughes DVD. We've got an Anthony Salami DVD.

We've got Nina Conti DVD. Yep. Barry Award winning Nina Conti. Yes. So we were given a couple of copies of them. So we've got one at least to give away because I won't watch them. So I'll give mine away. You'll probably watch yours.

I'm convincing the sponsor to get me Boardwalk Empire. They don't put it out, but I'm just telling him to go down to JB Hi-Fi and just buy it for me. So maybe we can slip some of that in as well. Just hook your VCR up and tape it off TV, mate. Yeah, get me, if you guys don't put out Zelda Skyward Sword on Nintendo Wii, just go and get that for me and hook me up with that. So anyway, hit us up at dumdumclub. littledumdumclub at gmail.com.

Or on Twitter or on Facebook. I've got to find a question, Carl. Where do I need to pay you for my part of the podcast? That's a good question. Stumped. The first time I've ever seen him completely stumped. Guys, we've got the live shows coming up in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Tickets now on sale, comedyfestival.com.au.

Come down, check us out, get a T-shirt, send us an email, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.