The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 79 - Kyle Kinane

Episode Date: April 3, 2012

Karl's Birthday, The Empress of India and Sting's Pets. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, the Comedy Festival is underway and our shows are currently going really well. We've got lots of people coming down, friends of the show and awesome guests. We'd love to see you down there. Every Monday night at the Town Hall at 8.30, tickets are on Ticketmaster and on the Comedy Festival website. Come down and say hi. And also, as always, this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by Punchline DVD. Head to punchline.com.au for all your comedy DVD needs. They're having a comedy festival sale at the moment.

You can get great DVDs from people like Harley Breen, Greg Fleet, Charlie Murphy, all the comedy festival galas. It's all on there, so check them out, and that'll help support the show. And also, I'm doing my show, Pipsqueak, in the comedy festival and at the Sydney Comedy Festival. For tickets to that and for the Dumb Dumb Club live shows, head to comedyfestival.com.au. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week.

My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, here's something I've been waiting a few hours to bring out. Oh, good. Honour of a very big day. Good. Here today, the day that we're recording this episode.

Bring it on. Happy birthday, mate. Yes. Yes. Finally. How old are you? 47 today? Oh, gee. Why would you?

You are truly the nasty one of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Oh, jeez. Why would you? You are truly the nasty one of the little drama club. Oh, I don't. I think. Everyone has been horribly wrong over the last year. Listen, I think if the jury goes back through the 70-something previous hours of content. I don't want to look at exhibit A through Y. Let's just examine number Z. Okay, that's completely fair.

But I feel like, see, this is, I was thinking about it. This is my gift to you. I'm giving you the gift of being able to hang a bit of shit on me because I know how much you truly enjoy that. What do you get the arsehole who has everything? This is the inception of insults now. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, no.

So you celebrated your birthday this morning by getting up at, what was it, 4 a.m.? Oh, yeah. It was about two hours after I went to bed I got up again, so that was good. I did a breakfast radio thing, what do you call it, outside broadcast, with friend of the show, Nick Cody, and a few others. Yeah, it was very funny. I just went on and did stand-up for a couple of minutes.

Then, yeah, Cody, Nick Cody, friend of the show, Nick Cody, he started bugging me with the whole thing of going, oh, so what material should I do? What jokes should I tell? And I'm like, I don't care. Don't be the guy that asks me what you should say. You know what you should say. Like, I don't care about your material and I've got my own stuff to worry about. Just do your own thing.

Who cares? And it's my birthday. Exactly. And he didn't know that either. So, yeah, I was extra cranky. It's my birthday. And he didn't know that either. So yeah, I was extra cranky.

So then he goes out there and starts, and this is 6.30 in the morning, and he starts doing material, starts doing jokes about Stephen Hawking being bashed by his wife and about how, and then he's got, basically he's got, look, I have to say what this is. Well, the N word. We're aware of what the N-word is. I don't need to say that. He's got a bit where he says that in his act, but in a clever way. And we don't want to say it here because people might be listening to this at 6.30 in the

morning, so we don't want to be guilty of the same crime. Yeah, yeah. So he's doing this on radio and there's like a bunch of mums in the audience or whatever, or preschools or whoever is up at six in the morning, old people, the exact untargeted audience of the N-word. And he brings this out and starts doing a bit of, look at the cripples over here, look at this, look at that. And it's just getting silence.

And we're backstage going, oh, he's worked out the perfect gig for this and then turned it upside down and done that. Yeah. And he comes back in after getting nothing and he's just white. He's just seen a ghost. And we're just going. And Cody, for people that don't know him, he's been on the show a couple of times. He's normally, he's very confident.

He does very well. He's a very great comic. Like he does normally smashes gigs. He's very used to killing. He came back with a sweat on him. Oh my goodness. And then what was great was every time someone would come back into the studio that hadn't been at the gig yet, they'd been listening on the car on the way in and they'd come in and go, Jesus, Cody, what were you trying to do there?

Wow, wouldn't it be great if he got that show taken off the air? If Cody became like the new Kyle Sanderlands. That'd be amazing. It was. And the thing was, he didn't know it was my birthday, but it ended up being an excellent present. Yeah, I was going to say. Thank you very much, Nick.

I have enjoyed my day so far. Today on the show, we've got a great guest. He is here for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival as part of the Headliner Show. He has been on Conan. He's been on all sorts of things. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Kyle Kinane. Yay! Hello.

A round of applause. I didn't know if I could jump in earlier. Yeah, yeah. What hour is good for the N-word? Is it like McDonald's breakfast? Maybe 10.30? Is that it? What time frame does work out for that?

It's like an Egg McMuffin. Yeah, yeah. That's a good call. Is it 8.30 finally? Guess what all you need. Is it 8.30 finally? Guess what? Oh, you know.

Now, Kyle, we organized this last night, not to reveal too much of the behind-the-scenes goings-on of this podcast, but a lot of our interviews are organized with less than 12 hours to go. On the fly. On the fly. In fact, the 12-hour arrangement is probably the most organized we've been for a guest on this show for a long, long time. Yeah, after we locked that in with 12 hours to go, I was like, I just laid in a hammock for the last 12 hours going,

wow, I've done my work today. Tomorrow is set. We organized to meet today before we left you, and you scribbled down your details for me on the back of a coaster that I've got in my hands here, 2 p.m., room 26, which just kind of made it look like you were organising some kind of post-night out booty call. It was a very strange image. But then I noticed this morning on the back of it, it's like a promotional coaster for

the Comedy Channel, which is a cable channel that we have here. And on the back, it just says Piss Funny, which I'm sure you will enjoy because I've been talking to you a bit about how you've been quite taken with Australian slang so far since getting here. I don't even know. I've just been making up my own terms. Yeah. You've been crafting your own ones. Plain as fours and sevens, yeah?

Like that sounds perfect to me. That does sound really legitimate. That sounds like a phrase that you've been using forever. Yeah. In fact, there was a moment. And I hope from here on out. Plain as fours and sevens. Fives and sevens.

Fives and sevens. Don't butcher it. Sorry. Tommy, how long have you been living in this country? I just came over on the boat. Get it right. That's what that comedy channel, somebody had a, what do you call it? Like the foam.

Stubby holder. Stubby holder. And I was like, what do you call it, like the foam? Stubby holder. Stubby holder. And I was like, where'd you get that? It's like the six-foot-tall blonde woman. She's like, steal one of those bar mats for me. I'll give it to you. I just stole for a woman last night. Really?

But then she gave me the stubble, and then she just made fun of me. Large, intimidating women. Wow. Everybody left, and I was just sitting there trying to hit on women a foot taller than me. They were just openly mocking me. And I stayed around. Well, I mean, she should have taken that as a pretty ballsy thing, because didn't someone get arrested in Bali or Thailand a couple of years ago

for stealing a bar mat? Yeah. It was like a big thing. Was it in Australia? Is that why it was news here? Was it in Australia? It was in Australia. Bar mat, meaning just the rubber thing on the bar.

Yeah. Some woman nicked one and got put in jail for it, didn't she? Well, you don't do that stuff in Thailand. You can't like fart on Tuesdays or something. That's one of those countries you just be, you know. That's completely unfair. It was probably like a knockoff version of that bar mat anyway. It probably wasn't even the real bar mat.

But it was probably like a knockoff version of that bar mat anyway it probably wasn't even the real bar mat you know but it was it was the comedy one it was the comedy channel bar mat which i think she worked for the channel right i was stealing stuff from the place she worked for her that's a sting was it set up it's not a bad yeah i was in a bad way last night we we went to america uh last year and uh with your first name being kyle uh it's sort of a bit of a running thing on the show. We went to America, my name being Carl. Do they have the name Carl in America? Because it seems like they don't. Carl. Carl.

When I say Carl. Yeah. I thought your name was my name last year. Right. Okay. All right. Right. But then when he would try and say Carl and emphasize it,

then people would think his name was Coral. Yeah. Coral. Yeah. So I'd get Kyle. Yeah. How do and say Carl and emphasize it, then people would think his name was Coral. Yeah, Coral. There's no Carl. I'd get Kyle. Yeah, how do you say Carl? Carl. Carl. How do you say Kyle?

Kyle. You got that one right. Kyle. Carl. Am I saying the same word twice? I think you are. I think you are. Man, it's really a name that is just grounding you in one country, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean? It's not an international name. It's a giveaway. It's like one of those, you know, sometimes a band will go from Australia to America or whatever and say their name is Chi-Chi and the Chochies or whatever, and they go over there and then they say, oh, no, we've already got a Chi-Chi and the Chochies over here, so now your name is Glenn.

Yeah. It's like that. I have to be Kyle Sandler here. Chi-Chi. I don't know. Whatever I have to be Kyle Sandler. Cheechy. I don't know. Whatever. Did you say Kyle Sandler? What?

Is that what you said? I hope not. I thought you said Kyle Sandler. That would be amazing. Man. I haven't had enough sleep today.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It is. It's like the Jack White band, the Raconteurs. Exactly. They're the saboteurs here.

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Not nearly as good a name. Why? Because there's a Raconteurs? Yeah, there's a Raconteurs, but they're like... I want to know what band isurs here. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, not nearly as good a name. Why? Because there's a raconteurs? Yeah, there's a raconteurs, but they're like a- I want to know what band is called Glenn.

Who'd you see last night? Glenn. Heavy, man. Real heavy. That's the other way. Danzig could have been called that. He went with his surname instead of his Christian name. Yeah, if you hang out with Danzig, somebody's just like, Glenn.

Like, it's the dumbest name. Yeah, it's so disappointing. Your last name's Danzig. Are you going like, Glenn. Like, it's the dumbest name. Yeah, it's so disappointing. Your last name's Danzig. Are you going to keep Glenn? Yeah, I'm keeping Glenn. Yeah, so you gave me this coaster with your details on it and said, I'll give you this because there's a huge chance that I might forget that we're doing this.

And we had a snafu with the timing. You thought it was 2.30. I thought it was 2. It got I thought it was 2.00. It got to five past. I thought he's forgotten. Then I had to rock up to the reception and go, hi, I'm here to meet a friend. He said he might forget. Can you call him for me?

And just say that awful thing where she's then on the phone and she goes, hi, it's Betty from reception. I've got Tommy here for you. And I was just like thinking how awful this would be if I watched her face. And from the other line, you've clearly gone, I've got no idea who that is. Like how crazy. And through his accent last night, you thought his name's Timmy, not Tommy. Who the fuck is Tommy?

Wait, was his name Glenn last night? Yeah. And you've been out and about today. We covered this in the car. I mean, probably the listeners don't know this, but we did talk about Indian food a lot in the car. Empress of India needs to be known. Yeah.

You can look up the reviews on there. Oh, yeah. No, Tommy, let's do it. I'll bring them up. Give some context while I look this stuff up. Empress of India is right across from the Queen Victoria Market. I was out with Kumail Nanjiani, who's here, a funny comedian, and his wife, Emily Gordon, and we're like we want indian food we saw in persia they got funny

cartoon signs outside like come on in bro we're gonna have a good time vindaloo like whatever like with cartoon people the sign like the out the metal sign hanging out in front had their sign which was cardboard glued to it yep and uh we walked in and it was like it was like eating at a garage sale there was two tables then there was like a couch with books and empty luggage on it there was unopened mail it was i thought it was going to be a haunted house i thought there was just going to be spirits and we were like one of those things where you walk out and then it's a different day and age. That's an awesome concept for an Indian restaurant though.

Haunted house. I don't think that's ever been done. Haunted house restaurant. Yeah. But Indian. That would be, yeah. Indian. Do they believe in ghosts?

Yeah. They probably don't. Let's take a call. Yeah. Is that how this works? I've got a bit of urban spoon going on here for reviews of them. Do they believe in, Indians believe in reincarnation? Because that would make sure that there's no haunted houses over there.

Does it? Does it? Is that how it works? That would make sure. That's why they would just keep serving you leftovers. That's why. There'd be no food go to waste. They would just give it to the last person.

But yeah, this, we were talking about this in the car as well, that this guy's renowned for just being shut down and then reopening with a new name in the same premises. And he probably doesn't even change the mail that's stacked up there. It's just the same mail. It's fascinating that you could even walk through the door and that with a straight face. And there was no one else. No.

It didn't even look like, it looked like it just shouldn't, it looked like somebody was squatting in there. Yeah. Like when, it looked like the dining room on the Titanic. Yeah. How some things are just still preserved, but there's dirt on everything. Yeah. And just with a straight face, the woman is, yes, we're open.

Like how, how? How? And this is a, this is a, this is a civilized city. Yeah. And the walls, the walls are plastered with pictures of the owner with celebrities. But the funny thing is it's sort of like cricket players from the 80s and late 70s and stuff. What celebrities? Like Muppets that you could buy at the store?

Here's me with Oscar the Grouch. He stopped in one day. But there's like a timeline where you can see that people quite clearly stopped coming. So there's only celebrities up until about 1986 until famous people started getting botulism and started dying off or not coming or I don't know why. And then he gave Dom DeLuise diarrhea for five weeks and it was

all over. I've got it up here on Urban Spoon. It's one of those things, you know, when celebrities die in threes they all died at the same place. It's like half the Rat Pack had lunch there. Wow, one guy here on Urban Spoon, I think it's one of those places that people delight in really giving it everything in the negative review. Like there's a bit of a, man, this guy has written a full on, like a page long review. Wow, he's really gone in depth. Some of those people in their

own right are fascinating, like Yelp or Urban Spoon, where you just see them just breaking down. Someone's like, you're reviewing a McDonald's. You're reviewing a specific McDonald's. You didn't get good service? The guy makes $4 an hour. Of course you didn't. I've seen that. I've looked

up that. I've watched those, what's the Gordon Ramsey show? Kitchen Nightmares. For one reason I've seen that I've looked up that I've watched those what's the Gordon Ramsay show Kitchen Nightmares for one reason or another I spent an afternoon once looking up reviews on all the restaurants that had been on that show

and people had just got on there and watched the show and then gone oh the guy Bert that runs the place he's got a big nose I hate Bert

what? or imagine how many people go into the restaurant now like you didn't learn your lesson, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like how involved you get with TV shows. You're a big fan of watching something and then doing your extracurricular work. Yeah, I do my homework.

From the files of watching the finale of Friday Night Lights and then tweeting all the actors to tell them how much you loved it. Yeah. Did you do that? Yeah. Did they respond? No. And what was the other show?

I did a lot of Bachelor homework as well when I watched the Bachelor. Oh, really? Yeah. For sure. To find out if the relationship, like, I'll get halfway through a season and go, I need to know the end now. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah. I want to know they're doing okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to know it was true love that they found on this game show. We should do our next live Dum Dum Club at the Empress of India. Do you reckon they'd be into it? Oh, my God. What do you reckon?

What if we move our shows from the town hall into the Empress of India? I don't think we could get insurance for it. I think if we accidentally slip and taste one of their meals, we could be in a lot of trouble. I feel like we walked in right as somebody was in the back just soaking things with gasoline, burning it down for insurance money. They want to eat here.

Oh, shit. Okay, and just start soaping it up with a towel. Man, we should seriously organize like a guerrilla, like underground comedy festival gig. You know, you always hear like in New York, like there's that thing, you know, Zach Galifianakis got his start doing gigs out the back of a burger shop. What did we do?

We were organising a late-night comedy festival show in a shitty Indian restaurant. You understand that we'll go in there and then we'll bring people in there and then they go to order and we go, God, no, don't do that. No, no, no, no. The thing about this is we all come in here and don't eat. Yeah, whatever you do. Whatever you do.

And then they felt like, oh, all wonderful British beers. Like the bar looked like it was under construction, like just sawdust and stuff stacked up on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like I said on the way in, I literally went there. I came from Maryborough, my hometown, when I was younger. Happy birthday, by the way. Thank you. Thank you.

You mentioned you were younger once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all age. You remember the concept of age. On specific dates. That's good. That's good. I went in there because an Indian restaurant was a big deal for me back then.

I was like, wow. Because in my hometown of Mirabai, there's a Chinese restaurant that you go to, and that's the only thing that you go to. Was it like a Chinese restaurant where they sell like steak sandwich and chips? Was it that kind of thing? Oh, yeah, yeah, there was a little bit of that. Yeah, because it's like country town. You just eat a hot dog with chopsticks.

They just cut it up, put soy sauce on it. Just people from everywhere walk in and go, I want the shit where it sizzles. And they go, okay, that's number one. Yeah, just make it on fire. I'll have a number one because the number two is the hot dog with chopsticks. I'll have the number one. So it was a big deal to come to Melbourne and come to an Indian restaurant.

And that was the one that we went to and we were like, wow, like cosmopolitan dining and whatever. And we went in there and it was just horrible. Look at all the art on the walls. Yeah, exactly. Look, there's a guy with Imran Khan in 1984. All right, well, this food's good to go. Let's go.

And it was like we were disturbing them. Like the guy was angry with us for walking in and it was lunchtime on a Friday near a market. Exactly. We walked in at 12.30 today. Yeah. 12.30. Yeah, and you interrupted him.

You should be eating. Yeah, yeah.30. Yeah. And you interrupted him. You should be eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody should be eating here. He said they're doing his taxes from 2009 or whatever. Yeah, there's a thousand people a block away. How is nobody in here? Yeah, and literally we walked in and you come in and you see all these, there's so many photos on the wall of people with celebrities, with the chef or the chef owner with celebrity.

And then he's all done up in the indian headdress like in the big turban and the and the gear and whatever and so you go oh wow this is this guy he's obviously got that at the back for when celebrities come out but literally he came up and went what do you want and he was wearing a dirty superman shirt with curry down the front and it was disgusting oh that's the thing oh you know what he had all these photos in there all over every part of all the walls with um a lot of cricketers, a lot of local celebrities and whatever. And then on the mantelpiece, there's one picture of him. No, there's a picture of Serena Williams after winning a US Open trophy,

like holding it up on the centre court. And he literally had cut himself out and put himself in it on centre court. So he had real pictures with Imran Khan and all these cricketers and Tony Barber, host of Cell of the Century, whatever, and then he'd cut himself out and put himself on centre court at Flushing Meadows. That's awesome. Absolutely ridiculous.

That's so good. She's holding up the trophy, like the jug or whatever, and he's just sitting there in a turban. It would have been better if he'd put himself coming out of the trophy, like if he's coming out of the cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an abandoned funeral home. That's what it feels like.

Like he should be in a casket in the back, preserved. I do like that, though, like restaurants where they've just got all the photos of the owners with famous people, like the La Poquetta that's near where I used to live, where it's like the owner with like Jeff Kennett and like all these Formula One winners and stuff. Like how is this bloke who owns a pizza place, how's he got this insane Rolodex where he's got all these, oh, why are these people coming to La Porchetta, which is shithouse. And it's, I really think it's like, I went to one of those the other day where it almost works against the restaurant because they, you only have the photos up from 20 years ago,

and you go, oh, this is the point where it lost it, where famous people got wise to this shithole. You're tasting the downfall. There's a comedy club in L.A., and if somebody's working on a set or something, they'll just hit all the clubs, and it's just the worst club. But the owner, you could tell stops everybody that drops in for a set because all the pictures are them surprised that there's a picture being

like i just want to say like shaking their hand i just want to say thanks for dropping by cheese because it's all just dave chapelle like it was looking at us being like what the fuck like and just nobody that wants to be in a photo is just on the wall. Just upskirted Chris Rock photos. Yeah, just, just, huh?

Like, the celebrity, like, it's a big thing to just have the headshots on the wall. Not that they, like,

oh, you know, people went to this laundromat and I, Matt Bronger, who you had on the show last year when he was here. Friend of the show.

Friend of the show. Friend of mine as well. He did the car ride like you just did. He did the car ride. Well, we both worked at the same place. We'd go to the sandwich shop for lunch. And instead of celebrity pictures, this place had a space shuttle taking off. No space launches in Los Angeles.

No shuttle launches. That's not what happens there space shuttle launching off a picture of the north hollywood uh bank robbers i don't know if that story made you know the movie heat yeah yeah like i don't know if this happened before but it was two guys full body armor that like shot up dozens of police officers like a whole neighborhood was a shootout like like in that movie heat yeah i don't know i think i don't know if the movie was based on that or if they took it from that like we'll just they have a close-up like telephoto lens picture of one of

those guys with a semi-automatic machine gun and then dom deluise like just space shuttle guy who died shortly after the photo was taken like it was a puzzle yeah like every time we'd go they're like what does it mean yeah what if we move the dom del louis photo first like trying to figure out what these clue like there's one spy that's gonna walk in there be like oh this is the activation yeah this is the clubhouse i don't know if you guys have this in in newspapers but it'll be the cryptic clue thing. So it's like two pictures. So it'll be like, you know, a dung beetle

and then a photo of a thing of orange juice. Oh, it's beetle juice. You know, like that kind of thing. Space Robert Dom. Space Crime Louise. Both parents of someone that was in 21 Jump Street? No. That's not Holly Robinson's dad.

Sorry. Maybe it was a sandwich shop, you said? Yeah. Maybe it was like the space shuttle thing was like the astronauts popped in there on the way, got a little cut lunch from this place and took it in there. It wasn't signed. It was just... Hang on, you're saying the space shuttle hadn't signed the photo of itself?

No, he was rude enough He didn't write Challenger Just blast some flames Onto the photo After they've gotten the frame I think it was just I think it was just like God bless America

Here's the space shuttle Oh These guys shot up a bank Down the street Because it was close By the location That that shooting So this is a little bit

This is like the neighborhood And actually Dom Deluise did eat here So we'll put his picture Actually he comes in here All the time Yeah by the location that that shooting so this is a little bit this is like the neighborhood and actually Dom Deluise did eat here so we'll put his picture actually he comes in here all the time yeah I doubt there'd be

there probably wasn't that many places where Dom Deluise hadn't eaten I know yeah it's not much of a name drop it's one of my big dreams is to get a sandwich

named after me somewhere I'd love that you could just make one right now yeah but I mean like an actual like a you know

a restaurant or a pre-existing place. You just want to convince someone that owns a building somewhere to name it. What would be on your sandwich? Oh, man. No, what would it be called? Which name would you go with? The Tommy D? Yeah.

The Tommy D sounds pretty classic. The Das. The Tommy A? The Das. The Sop? It'd be chicken. There'd be chicken in some form. In some form? It'd be chicken There'd be chicken in some form In some form?

It's quite a specific sandwich Well, I mean, you know You could have a roast You could have a schnitzel You know, I'm not too fussy Any type of bread you want It's really any sandwich It's called the Tommy T It's just whatever's on the breadboard at the moment

Okay, what I'm proposing is Let's change the name of chicken to Tommy Then that way I'm sort of like multi-purposing. I've always said that's been my nickname about you for a long time, the great white meat. What about like autographs, like celebrity autographs? Kyle, did you ever like collect autographs or get autographs of someone when you were a kid?

No, no. I had Rodney Mullen sign a skateboard when I was a little kid, and that was it. I think that was it. Rodney Mullen and Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse signed it? Even when I was seven at Disney World, I'm like, this isn't really him.

Oh, man, I love that. He's too big to be at this restaurant. Like, thinking a cartoon was the real guy, but there's somebody in a costume right now. I went to Disney World last year, and I went there when I was 12 as well, and it reminded me that thing where all the costumed characters will do autographs. And I remember being a kid and having my little book

and getting it signed by Br'er Rabbit out the front of Splash Mountain ride and being really into it and lining up and wanting to be like, oh, this is going to be so good. But being old enough to just really on the cusp of knowing what was really going on, but still having that not fully wanting to grow up yet. That was a traumatic time. Like, listen, I know Santa is you guys. Yeah, you're working it out, but you feel sad about it.

Can we still do it? Yeah. Mortality sets in at that point. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because being from Maribor, being in this small town, it's that thing where everything else except for Maribor seemed exciting or whatever. So if any celebrity had come through town, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I bought myself an

autograph book. And I'd be like, OK, I'll go and get this guy or whatever. But it was like no one ever good. So if I found that autograph book now, it would be the most pathetic autograph book. It was like literally it had someone that was on Prisoner for like, no, on the Sullivans for like three weeks. If you remember the Sullivans, like some bad drama from 1979 or something. It was like someone came in to open a flower show and I went, can I have your autograph,

whoever you are? That is horrible. You were doing it so they felt better about them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were getting much more out of it than me. Here you go, sorry. Ooh, I'm dazzled. Yeah, yeah.

The biggest name we ever had was like Rolf Harris. Oh, yeah, yeah. Rolf Harris, who's like this, what is he famous for? He was like, he had songs. He had, oh, you know, you would know Timey Kangaroo Down Sport. Have you heard of that song? What? Yeah, okay.

I realize that sounds ridiculous now. I realize that. Timey Kangaroo Down Sport? Yeah, yeah. It's a song that people. A lot of people, and I don't know if we talked about this with him when he was on the show, but Matt Besser, before we did the E-Wolf Challenge,

he thought that that was like our national anthem or like it was our kumbaya. I said, it's a parody song. It's by Australia's Weird Al. It's a joke song. It's like if we said Like a Surgeon was a Star-Stangled Banner.

Yeah, so That might be in the future of America when things are going. I won't say it won't be. He was like a singer of a lot of that sort of stuff, and he was quite big in the UK and whatever. So he was a big deal. And he was on kids' TV, so he would draw cartoons,

and I'd be like, wow, this is an actual celebrity. And he came to Maribor, and he wouldn't sign an autograph for me. And it was like... I think that's where my life turned, because I was actually quite a positive kid until then. Didn't you say you went up to him at the train station? Yeah, at the train station. Yeah, yeah.

And I think I drew a picture and I was like, hey, look at this. And he's like, yeah, I've got trains to look at, kid. And that was it. I've got an original Fifey. I've got an Andrew Fife, yeah. Andrew Fife, the cartoonist from Hey, Hey Saturday. Yes, yeah, yeah. Man, this sounds ridiculous, the way when you bring up Australianisms to you

in the company of another person from another country. You know, hey, you know Tommy Kangaroo Downsport and Hey Hey Saturday. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because our civilization over here started about 20 years ago. We're still working out what words mean. But I still feel the same, like whenever anybody talks about sports in front of me, and I'm just like, I could talk about guys that rode BMX in the late 80s. Oh, yeah.

Like, that's my specific. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody, you know, somebody's like, oh, we got, like, a regular LeBron James over here. I'm like, I don't know. Does he play basketballs? Did I pluralize the wrong thing in that? I don't know. Basketball.

Basketball. Technically, yeah. Basketballs. That's another thing I now remember. This is even more pathetic. Oh, if we're going to have a pathetic now we're cooking with gas.

This is a celebrity. It came to a celebrity very loose. I used the word celebrity, but it came to Mirabar once. It was not the co-driver. You know in the Bathurst 3000 or whatever. There's a car race and you have like two cars in it and there's like a like the holden racing team or whatever the the peter brock's like quite a famous race over here he was um his uh co-stable driver whatever came and uh uh drove in this car that was in mirror bar and then i got in the passenger seat and i was being driven around in it and I was like wow I'm in the same car that that that the the number two driver was

and I was in the passenger seat and I the jumper I was wearing I remember this quite distinctly now jumper I was wearing I took off and didn't wash for like a year but it was but I didn't even know the name of the guy and then after a year I realized oh no but he was the coat he drove his own car so no one sat in the passenger seat, so it's not like I was sitting in the same seat as someone It's not like the magic was being rubbed off That's a seat that no one sits in

In my earlier career as a comedian I opened up for a Sam Kinison tribute act called Screamin' Sam and this guy, they were from Florida, which should mean enough to anybody from the state. Florida's a horrible place.

This guy managed, the manager drove around in a van. It was like a green painted van that said Screamin' Sam on the side with a siren on top. And he was also, his son was the world's youngest stand-up comedian. And you could tell this kid was just doing dirty jokes as dad wrote and would be hit if he didn't do a good job. That's how this kid was just paranoid. And they drove around

to the modern age. But it would just be like, then Bush wants to raise taxes! Ow! He would just say something and do the Sam Kinison scream. And then the autograph. And then the manager, as soon as the show was over, it was just people staring dumbfounded like, why are we here?

And he would just force headshots of screaming Sam into people's hands. And then Sam would get off stage and just take them out of people's hands and sign them. They just left them on their chair. But he was just grabbing them like, here you go, kid. Enjoy it. Glad you had a nice time at the show. Just deciding stuff.

It was like, you're a real person. Are you ever blown away? You exist. You wake up in the morning. That seems weird that they would get you. That's such a weird word to use as well. Tribute as well. Man, that's a very loose.

Yeah, instead of just being a hack. Steal somebody. It's weird that they would get you to open up for the Sam Kinison Tribute Act instead of the Carl Canane Tribute Act. I think that would make more sense. It would go with the theme. It was this club that was not far from where I lived, so I would just wind up there a lot. Most nights, oh, free drinks, so I'll hang out here. Guys were like, I don't know if the comedy clubs are like that here where there's always just some nefarious underdwelling of,

like, you're laundering money. Like, basically, the clubs I worked at were the Empress of India. Yeah. I hope the Sam Kinison Tribune act got his picture with the local Indian restauranteur. Yeah, who's really flattering who? Yeah. Oh, my God, that place.

When you said before the youngest stand-up, how young was he? He was probably about nine or ten. And it was one of those things like, how is he not in school? Yeah. Like, how are you – like, this is truly – Is this abuse? Is this child abuse? By all means.

By all means. And they were just like dirty jokes that you could tell his dad that like, it'll be funny because it's coming out of a kid. And people were just like, don't say that, young man. Please. And then I fingered it. Ah, kids say the darndest things. Yeah.

And just awkward for the kid who could tell. He was just like, did I say it right, dad? Don't hit me anymore. Sort of the relationship between me and you when we do comedy. You recommend that I do things and then people go, you're too young to be saying that. Hey, on the meeting famous people thing, when I was in hospital, I was in hospital for like two years

because I was sick as a kid. You were in there for two years consistently. Not consistently, in and out for two years. In more than not. I'm fascinated that you have never brought this up very much before lately. Yeah. I am doing a whole festival show about it now, to be fair. Yeah, yeah.

But anyway, that was a big thing where people would often, like famous people would come in and they'd do the rounds of the wards and you'd get to meet people, like, well-known. Should you be playing it back now, now that you're famous for having a podcast? Should you be going in and going, hey kids, I know you've got cancer but I'm on, you know radio, I'm on something worse

than that. Where do I sign? You could listen to it if you wanted to. We're going to make this ward look like the Empress of India in here. Pictures of me all around. And my tribute act will sign one as well. What if we did that? What if we just rocked up to a hospital and just did an appearance

that no one had asked us for? But that was a big thing. People would come in and it was mostly sports people and I'm not really into it. I didn't know anything about sports. So there would be that thing where Greg Norman would come in. Oh, really? Yeah, like everyone in the room would be like,

oh, it's Greg Norman. And I'd have to just kind of play along and be like, yeah! And he would nearly make the kids feel better because he would always, that's a sports joke, because he would nearly win tournaments. Isn't that like the words, like sports guys, like here's a human being in peak

physical condition. Like wouldn't you kind of want an out-of-shape celebrity? Like it's not so bad, you're laying around all day, you can watch whatever you want on TV. They're going to bring you ice cream. I know you've got your face blown off, but meet Angelina Jolie here. It does sort of make more sense for comedians to go and do it than anyone else. I'm actually healthier than what's normally healthy.

I'm here to rub that in your face. I can do feats that regular, even when you get better, still can never do. I'm here to make your feet better. I should be stopping doing push-ups while I'm saying get better soon, but I'm still doing them. You will never accomplish what I've done, ever, even if this all works out. Even the nurses are, like, hating me being here.

Like, we're so much better than them. As a matter of fact, I've banged two of them already. I love these trips. Classic, classic. I made my own wish. Because here's the thing, when I was growing up, I... It's a take-a-wish program. I very loosely barrack for the team of Melbourne.

Do you? Yeah. If I barrack for it, it's not that I really follow it, but I do because my grandpa went for them, and that's classic how you decide a team to go for. Exactly. But then when I was follow it, but I do, because my grandpa went for them, and that's classic how you decide a team to go for. Exactly. But then when I was in hospital, one day Nicky Winmar and Spider Everett came in.

Both St Kilda. Spider Everett. Yeah. That's a good handle. Yeah, it's a great handle. And it's S-P-I-D-A as well, which is, you know. Spider. It's easy to adapt if you ever became like a graph artist.

Yeah. Spider. Spider. But then, so because they were from St Kilda and they'd come in and spent heaps of time in the water and they were like, they came in a couple of times, I think they were like really cool about it. Dad then tried to make me go for St Kilda. Dad was like, no, we should all just go for St Kilda now

as a family. And I went, no, I'm not going to do that. And then we were watching a game once and it was St Kilda, Melbourne, and I was going for Melbourne. Dad's like, no, you should be going for St Kilda because of what they've done for you. I'm like, is that how it works? I don't know that that's how it works at all.

What if that's what a downtrodden team does? Like, we've got to go visit the hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to guilt sick kids. We need the support. We need to build up the membership. That is a real short-term fix to get these dying kids to Barracuda. Oh, and forget the cancer wards.

They're dying off. Let's go to the kids with the broken legs and stuff. Let's go to the outpatient wing where we'll catch them and shake hands as they're under weight. That's cool. If kids with broken legs get to make a wish now, that would be awesome. I like what happens on this show. Anytime I bring up my cancer, you and then whoever else is in here just kind of feels

like they've got diplomatic immunity. They rag shit on cancer kids. No, just because they're the survivor in the room. Why don't you spell it out, man? We're doing it because it's out of nerves. We're just real nervous. I don't know how to process grief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

I'm not an arsehole. That's how I process grief. I turn into a real dickhead. I was just thinking then, like, oh man, we are going to get letters about this. And I went, no, I'll write back and go, hey, I had it. It was like, no, it wasn't anything you said. It was your dodgy mate. No, I'll write back. I was just thinking then, like, oh, man, we are going to get letters about this. And I went, no, I'll write back and go, hey, I had it. It was like, no, it wasn't anything you said. It was your dodgy mate. No, I'll write back.

I'll say, hey, my mate had it. Hey, let's talk about this. It is Comedy Festival time. We're a few days away from doing our first live Dum Dum Club show as we're recording this. I don't know when this will go up, but, you know, we're close to doing that. And I don't know if you get this, Kyle, but if I've ever got a big gig coming up,

like in the lead up to the Comedy Festival every year, in the couple of weeks before, I'll have dreams where I'm doing my show for the first time and it's always a disaster. But it's not a disaster in that I'm doing. Tommy, that was no dream. Mate, I had cancer. Back off. It's got to be one of those days.

It's the Tommy had cancer, so he's getting away with everything. No, but it's always... It's like the gig in my dream is a disaster, but it's in ridiculous ways. I had a dream once where I was doing my show, but my stage was a bouncy castle, so I couldn't get proper footing. It's always ridiculous stuff like that. I had a dream last night that we were doing our first live Dum Dum Club. First of all, for some reason,

we were doing it in a concert hall, a massive recital hall. We got in there and all the audience was facing the wrong way. As we were trying to do the show, people would get up from the crowd, stand on the stage with us, and just start dancing. And at one point in the room, I turned to you and I went, I don't think we're going to be able to put this one on iTunes. A sign of things to come, you be the judge. Buy your tickets now from comedyfestival.com.au. Just remember, you can't, dancing doesn't work well on a podcast. If it's live or not, it's just a bit of a waste.

I used to have, you know, because I was always like a really, like, obsessed soccer fan and player when I was a kid and teenager and whatever. I would constantly have dreams that I would get to the game and it would, you know, it was really hard to get to the game and then I'd just miss kickoff so I wasn't on the team and I'd be sitting on the side just going, I just want to be on the field.

I want so much to be on the field. Or I would get there early and I'd run on and kick-off and then someone would turn to me and go, man, you've got jeans on. You've got to leave the field right now. And then I'd have to leave and the game would go on and I'd be on the sidelines going, no, I want to play, I want to play. So now, and I used to tell my friends that,

so now I've got one friend that would like, will every now and then go up to me as I'm down the street or whatever and go, dude, you've got jeans on, you're supposed to be on the field, you're having that dream again. And then you start pinching you, wake up, man, wake up. Do you have any dreams like that about like before gigs or anything? Like anxiety? Yeah, yeah.

I've been having dreams that I started smoking again. Yeah, right. And it's not like a big deal, but like it's so good. Yeah. So is that a dream nicotine? It's like addictive. Oh, man, I really did like cigarettes. Those were good.

And so then I wake up, I'm like, oh, son of a bitch, I quit. But I would wake up with a panic like, oh, I'm so disappointed in myself that I started smoking again. Yeah. But like as far as anxiety dreams, I can't remember specific ones. I remember having – I haven't made a joke about it. Like very mundane dreams. Like when I used to live with my girlfriend, she was one of those. I just had the most intense dream.

It's like, yes, that's what dreams are. It's your chance. It's your brain going, here's a big jambalaya thoughts that you didn't finish thinking during the day here's of course you were in school but it was a dragon and this and that like they're always intense like weird dreams will be i'll be like in my dream like oh i wonder if i i don't know if i have toothpaste left i go in the bathroom and be like oh yeah i got like half a tube of toothpaste and then i just wake up and that's it. That's my chance for my brain to go crazy, and this is what it comes up with.

Here you go. It's pretty clear. Here's the toothpaste. So either the stuff that my brain wouldn't even allow me to think, like it's still too crazy, like you can't handle it. Just give them the toothpaste. If you were David Lynch, your version of Blue Velvet or Mulholland Drive would have been a lot different. It's just me eating a whole cake by myself.

I had a thing a couple of years ago when I was single. I had this crush on a girl that I knew, and I had this recurring thing for like two or three weeks where I just at least twice a week I would have a dream where I was hooking up with her, which is like the worst because then you wake up and you're like, oh, yeah. But it was relentless. It just kept happening.

And I was talking to my cousin who I was living with at the time and telling her all this and she goes – she was saying something like because I wasn't working at the time and she was saying like if you're not doing much, if you're not very active, apparently you dream more vividly because your brain's not getting the exercise during the day. So then at night it just goes, whoa! It just cuts loose a bit more. That makes sense.

And I did notice, I got full-time work after that for a little while and I did notice that I didn't dream as much. I don't have as many dreams right now. I'm thankfully very busy during the day. No, there you go. And I drink myself to sleep at night, which I think really squashes those receptors.

That is a big difference. I don't sleep as much now and I just don't dream at all because it's like, I don't have time to dream. I'm busy trying to recuperate on the three hours you've given me to rest. I don't want to be making up some fable about you fighting a dragon or something. Do you get sleep paralysis? What's that?

Oh, that's a blast. Is that for real? Yeah, when everybody thought they were being abducted by aliens and stuff like that. It's where you'll wake up, but you're like, you're consciously you'll wake up, but your body doesn't wake up yet. So you're paralyzed. What? You can't move.

Yeah, isn't it? It's terrifying. So you've done it. I'll get that maybe two or three times a year. Oh, wow. And it usually starts not when I wake up, but as I'm going to sleep. And so you fall asleep and your brain's starting to shut down and your body shuts down first but your brain like i know i'm laying in bed i know it's my door over there now there's a demon voice coming from

just beyond it even though every other detail is real there's no weird dreamscape i know i'm in my room i know what time it is and it's one of those things like if i could just move one finger i'll snap out of the dream stuff but you can't you're like just move your fucking hand oh really wow horrifying that's intense it's so and i and i love it i love a good scare i can't get enough it's like a there's like a date rape drug that essentially does that doesn't like it's your way it's paralyzed it is i mean well yeah that's uh yeah there's stuff that does that. Well, ketamine is that, you know. Yeah. You do a special K and that's you get.

Not that I've ever done it more than a few times. That is my favorite bit about dreams, the assumed history that you all of a sudden have. It's that ridiculous assumed history where there's a part of my brain in a dream where I'll go, yeah, yeah, me and my uncle were in the Archies. We used to tour with Betty and Veronica. Yeah, yeah, so what's the next bit? The train conductor's dead.

Don't worry, I got this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend was telling me he had a dream where he was driving along and he saw Sting next to a broken down Volkswagen Beetle that was his car that he was trying to fix. And in that classic dream thing he goes, it was Sting, but it wasn't Sting, it was Rutger Hauer. Yeah. Like we classic dream thing, he goes, it was Sting, but it, like, wasn't Sting. It was Rutger Hauer.

Yeah. Like, we're going, hey, look at Sting, but then visually it's Rutger Hauer. And then so they've helped, in the dream, they've helped Sting slash Rutger Hauer fix his car. And then he goes, oh, I'll take you back to my place. So they go back to his place. They open the door and there's just, like, birds and monkeys and tigers everywhere.

And Sting just stands in the hallway in the dream and goes, look at all of my fucking pets. And then my mate goes to the bathroom and there's like a chimpanzee in a bathtub just splashing water everywhere going. And then my mate woke up i'm like man you got to deal with some shit because there's some there's some stuff going on he's got a straight to video dream like that's a c-list cast in that dream ricka harren sting god yeah at what point in explaining a dream do you just have to say to somebody i'm sorry for wasting your

yeah there's no way i can explain how this made sense. It was a dream. You should have shut me up a while ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it all hinges on you being asleep because you can't go to someone, hey, you know what I thought of before? I thought I was going skiing and then I saw my mum. It's like, what? Yeah, yeah.

You were just conscious thinking of that? It's more interesting when you're unconscious. I just realised we brought up how boring people's dream stories are about five weeks ago and then I think since then, at least once a week, we've talked about a dream, like since acknowledging that we think they're shit. I like stories. Just when you were saying – words are good.

You were saying before, my mate having a direct-to-video dream, that reminded me, I, like most of the research I do with our guests on this show, I Googled you in a food court before I came in here. Fair enough. And I've heard on your IMDB a credit that fascinated me. You were in a film called Cheerleader Massacre 2. 2?

Yeah. The return of the massacre. I mean, what's the go there? I don't even know what Cheerleader Massacre 1 was. I was going to get $1,500 when I was very broke to play a security guard at a cheerleader camp because we know those are real. Did the fans think that you wrecked the franchise? I didn't die in it either. I mean, I don't want to ruin it.

For anybody that has one of the three copies of it that exists because it doesn't, like the one copy, somehow somebody bought a burned copy of it off the internet. The other guy that was in it with me. And it was like, yeah, just a titty movie that I didn't play one of the sexy parts. You didn't play a tit? No. I was, yeah. There's two rolls open. I didn't get it.

No, I was, yeah. There was two rolls open. I didn't get it. And we'd go there and it was hilarious because they were all just, they were just porn actresses making not porn money for this. And I mean, I don't want to be stereotypical. Dumb, oh, a real attic made out of bricks on these guys. Dumb ladies. An attic made out of bricks. Is that what you said? Yeah. That's good. Just rocks upstairs. We don't have that in Australia, that phrase. I don't think it exists. I just think I made it up.

Oh, okay. That could be what we have now. That phrase is plain as fives and sevens. Yeah. I was going to say that could be a fake Australianism. Yeah. It's an attic made out of bricks, mate. You've made it in Australia, so that's ours now.

You can't bring that home to you. It's got an attic full of bricks. You've made it in Australia, so that's ours now. Addicts full of bricks. And we would just go there every day. And yeah, I've never seen it. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know. Did you do anything good in it?

You didn't kill anyone? No, I was a security guard. I did not see any of the boobs. That was separate scenes. Like just the unnecessary, like, well, it sure is scary. Girls, let's all calm down with a shower. You were just security guard number three behind Sting and Rookie Howl. Oh, I was security guard number one.

Don't get me wrong. Oh, right. Like one day they just like had a different color uniform. Like we forgot what type of uniform we had yesterday. I just, so little, so little production. But that exists and I would love to see it. I'm dying to see it. Let's go down to Video Busters and see if we've got it.

Yeah, let's go to Video Busters. If anyone's got it. I'll go down and pick up a copy of, yeah, what is it? Cheerleader Massacre and some hacky sacks. Is that what they sell down there? Yeah, we've talked about this. I heard a rumor, I read it on the trivia section of Cheerleader Massacre 2, that they've got the script for Cheerleader Massacre 3 all ready to go,

but you're the cast member that's holding it. That's why they can't get it going. The script. You're the Bill Murray of the Cheerleader Massacre franchise. No, I don't. Well, my people are talking to their people. Surprisingly enough, no, not surprisingly enough, Dan Aykroyd is actually in both of those.

You're there going, look, let me just watch the second one first and then we'll see what's happening. He's asking for $1,600 this time. You'd rather play, you know, you can introduce the son of the security guard in the next one so he can take on number four. Yeah, I just do the five-minute guest spot at the beginning. Get killed off. My son, take on my legacy.

Passing on the veritable torch. I feel like you're going to have a clause in the contract that the cheerleaders have to be eating at Empress of India in at least one scene. That is the scariest set piece you can use. Michael Cera can play your son. He's the new guard. Yeah, let's see how his schedule is.

Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you, Kyle Kinane, so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. What a heap of fun. We are in full swing of the Comedy Festival. Come check out one of our Dumb Dumb Club shows on Monday nights in the Town Hall.

Tickets are actually rapidly selling out. Yeah. And we've got awesome guests lined up yeah there's some good stuff happening people that you yeah you will want to see in the flesh

yeah and I'm doing my show 6pm at the Victoria Hotel the whole run's probably sold out by the time this has gone up but try and get a ticket and Kyle Kinane

will have left the country by the time you're hearing this but get on iTunes and purchase his CD Death of the Party one of my favourite comedy albums and I'm not just saying that because you're hearing this, but get on iTunes and purchase his CD, Death of the Party, one of my favourite comedy albums, and I'm not just saying that because you're sitting in here. It's genuinely

great. Get on board. This is the end of the show, so should we pop in an ad right now, as we forgot to do last week? Is this our new thing? Yeah, look, we'll work around it. Two on DVD. At Videobusters. Touchline.com.au.

Thanks for joining us, guys. Send us an email, littledumdumclub at gmail.com. We're on Twitter, we're on Facebook. T-shirts and the shows, live shows. We'll see you next time. Okay, let's do it that way. See you, mate.