The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 8 - Celia Pacquola

Episode Date: December 15, 2010

The origins of "Hey mate!", Comedy gig romance and a very special Logies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Oh, hang on. I haven't turned your mic on. There we go. Oh, g'day, dickhead. Yeah, sorry. I'm a bit out of it today. Welcome aboard for another week. We have a very special guest in this week, a good friend of the show who's been overseas for a few months. She's an

award-winning stand-up comedian. She's been on Spics and Specs Good News Week and next year you'll be able to see her on the ABC in the new show Late. It's Celia Bacola! Yay! I can't tell you how excited I am to actually see hey mate in person. This is it. I swear, I've been listening to you too much

like when my boyfriend tells me that he loves me. It's not as romantic when I reply, love you mate, in person. This is it. I swear, I've been listening to you too much. Like, when my boyfriend tells me that he loves me, it's not as romantic when I reply, love you, mate. Thanks, mate. I am an international fan of the show. It's quite great. That's great, yeah. I've had dum-dum in London. Wow.

I've had dum-dum in Paris. You could probably rip it off over in England and start up your own. Loot-dum-dum. Yeah. Yeah. And they'd all think you're really original, and you're just ripping us, ripping the little dum-dums. How does the studio compare to what was in your mind's eye?

It's everything I dreamed it would be and more. Having that I'm here with no headphones and no fluffy bit on the mic. Carl's gone au natural today. Normal mics have a little unplug. He's wearing heaps less makeup than he usually does. Yeah, yeah. And it looks great. It really does.

Yeah. Yes! You do not look 87 years old. To be fair, you really have kept yourself tidy. Don't look a day over. Yay! So what's the buzz over in London? Is everyone talking about Dum Dum Club?

Well, do you know what? The show Alison Bice is also a big fan. She's a massive fan. And also a shout out to NYC, Kelly Fastuka. Kelly Fastuka. Kelly Fustuka. We're crossing a lot of continents. We know one person in every continent. It's the power of the internet, man.

Yeah. We're massive. It's huge. No, it's been great because I was talking to Fustuka about it because we Skype. We're wondering if we just liked it so much because we missed you, dickheads. Gee, that's a great compliment. I love it a lot because I haven't seen you guys for five months. Yeah, yeah, and you have an accent like us.

All right, that's all you needed. So is that your big Aussie accent fix? Maybe, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm in London, mate. We like Vegemite, too. Some people hate you. Yeah. Yes.

Most people. No, no. It's great. It's really exciting. I've been away for five months, so it's awesome to be home in general and to see everyone. How long are you back for? I'm going back Boxing Day. I've been in New Zealand.

Fancy. And then because I'm here, I might as well hang out with Pam, with my mum until Christmas and then leave Boxing Day. Yeah. Head back over. Sweet times. And come in and be a little dum-d Boxing Day. Yeah. Head back over. Sweet times. And come in and be a little dum-dum while you're here. A little dum-dum.

I've been so excited about coming on the show because I didn't want to push it. I didn't want to ask for an invitation, but Carl asked me to do it. And since then, to be honest, I've been trying to shoot myself all week. You could have just hired some prostitutes. That would have also been. Or get a sex dungeon. I was listening to that. I was in Singapore Airport going, what the hell has happened in Adelaide since I've gone?

I don't have a great one. I've got a slight. A slight poo story. I've got a slight poo story. Yeah. Well, I feel like. I'm glad we're known around the world for this now. Yeah, this is good.

Yeah, mate. Someone's got to do it. No one's, mate. It's not like in London, you get the trains everywhere, not the tube, the overland trains to out-of-town gigs, right? And they have toilets on these trains, but they have like sci-fi doors, like electric. Star Trek style.

Yeah, yeah, big Star Trek round thing. And the thing is, I was sure I knew how to lock those. Well, what did Picard do? It turns out I know how to shut them. Yeah. And 12-year-old boys on the other side know how to push the button. And the thing is with those doors, they take quite a long time to open and shut. You've got to understand, when you're 12 years old, the hottest thing you can ever

think of is seeing a woman shit. Isn't that what we all thought of? Well, I thought it was like a really mean and disgusting blind date show. And your date joining you in Barcelona, or I'm door number three, is a woman shitting. I mean, that's sort of bad Set up for a blind date show Because all those blind date shows You think they go on one date

And they're never going to see each other again For some people If you can handle seeing a girl take a shit Before you've even gone on the first date That's going to last for a long time For some people in Europe That could be the worst date of all time Or the best

I see what you're doing there So there you go, that's my contribution Last week I had a I don't know if I told you this yet. Because I'm the opposite of you. I've got a very dodgy gut. My gut doesn't handle anything. I had a steak for dinner and then I went to St Kilda to look at the penguins.

You're not here for me to look at the penguins. No, no. It's what I've got down there. I've got to go look at the penguins. I've got to take a drive to Phillip Island. I'll be honest. If you're a person of black and white, you can see it. He should wash his up on the beach as well so I can see. A lot of Asian people take pictures of it.

Yes. Yeah. Is the world dry yet? How do you like that in New York? Quiet and down down London. But I was... This is the thing, I got all the way up to the end of the pier and then I went,

oh, guys, I'm going to have to head back to shore. And I had... I got halfway down the pier and I had... This all sounds like metaphors from now on. But it's a metaphor for something that was actually going to happen. Like, I really felt like, oh, jeez, I'm a huge chance of shitting myself on this pier. A huge chance.

Oh, no, hang on. You said shit. The worst, it's like the most kind of dangerous thing I've ever felt like I've been in. And I had to do that thing of mentally preparing, okay, let's presume that I am now going to shit my pants on this pier. What's my first move going to be? Like, what happens then? I'm not near my house.

I thought, maybe I'll go into the sea and I'll just wash all my clothes out. Oh, St Kilda Beach when in Rome. Yeah. The other thing that happened the other day, again, I had a dodgy stomach thing and I had to use one of those kind of big futuristic public toilet things. Yeah, yeah. Are they the same ones? Well, that was on a train, but yeah, like an outdoor one.

That similar kind of thing, yeah, where you go in there and it's really automated and it tells you that you can only be in there for like five minutes. I've never been in one of them that's not completely destroyed. What? Oh, yeah, you mean that they're always meant to look kind of clean and nice, but they're just all filthy and fucking horrible. Yeah, and the doors close and it tells you that you've got five minutes and then it tries to put on kind of like peaceful music,

but at the same time it's really loud. I think so that like if you're drunk or whatever so you can't fall asleep in there. It's this weird thing of like kind of cheerful mini music. When I was in there, I think it was Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear? But really like da, da, da. Why do birds suddenly appear? I think that's pretty dangerous because on a subconscious level,

that's just training people to want to shit in elevators. Tiny chemicals. It's going to be like a trigger word. I thought it might have been like in malls, you know, when they play like Mozart to dissuade kids from stealing stuff or whatever. It's like that's to dissuade you from taking anything in the toilet. But then here's a horrifying moment. So I'd been in there for maybe a minute,

and then this voice came over and said something like, inactivity detected. And I was just looking around going, what, what, what? And just trying to jump up off the seat and make as much movement as I can. Inactivity detected. Someone is taking a shit in our property. Yeah, but I had this horrifying thing of like, I felt like the doors were just instantly going to swing open

and like, g'day, like on street. And the other thing I worried about is that they have the thing on the walls saying that they have the regular cleaning cycle. I'm terrified of being stuck in there when it, for some reason, doesn't clock to hear it. Like a garbage compactor. Just jets start coming on and spraying water at you. Like Death Star garbage compactor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out. You've been, I know you've been, this is weird, but I know you've been at the festival. How was the toilet situation in the? Yeah, also how was the festival? It was great. Yeah, the toilet situation at the festival,

I mean, it is what it is, you know. It's pretty feral. It is certainly a lot easier being a guy because you can you know just if you get to do number ones a right angle

does not a toilet make no we had we had like a fence near where we were camped that had a bit that came that jutted out of it and then at one point

I noticed that somebody in our group had tied a tarp up like kind of forming a little corner and I was like why is that there and then a girl

went to go to the bathroom and then I realised oh it's a little modesty tarp that they've put up isn't that sweet but it's still like kind of right next to the bathroom, and then I realised, oh, it's a little modesty tarp that they've put up. Isn't that sweet? But it's still kind of right next to the campsite. And that's only going to work once.

You know what I would have done? Yeah, yeah. Got up a tree and done it, and then yelled out, watch out for the droppers! Chandler's on fire today. Oh, it's a horrible sort of fire, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's sort of. It's a very bad sort of fire.

Nothing I'm proud of. Nothing I'm going to put on my CV so far. Yeah, I'm sorry to purposely bring it to that level, but I had fun. That was adorable. Yeah, yeah. But was it good? The festival was great fun, yeah. I think the Meredith, for those that don't know,

they publicise it as a big thing of it is no dickheads. And I just, honestly, I don't reckon that they regulate that enough. Well, you are living proof. You can't guarantee that. No, you can't. Like the people that, what the fuck were they playing? The people that woke us up at 6 a.m. playing fucking body rockers on their cast area, surely they shouldn't have been let slip through the gates.

The other weird thing that happened was a girl came up to us on Friday night, me and a few friends of theirs. Were you working some chicks? Stop it. I'll never forget that. I have to say that that was one of my favorite Dazzle there. Were you working some chicks? Stop it. I'll never forget that. I have to say that that was one of my favourite Dazzling moments. Go on, let's have it then. Yeah.

What? It was a comedy festival like two years ago and I was on the street sitting and I was on the phone to Toby actually and I heard a really drunk man behind me going, and Toby's talking, I'm like, can you keep talking to me? The drunkest man alive is behind me. And I turned around. It was David Bushel being in dickhead. And I was like, ah.

And Dassler was there and had a couple of drinks. And we were talking about how soon you can tell someone that you've got an inner relationship, you know, when you've just met them. And Toby just started a sentence with, you know when you work in some chick? And I just lost my mind. Because you do. You know when you work working some chick? And I just lost my mind. Because you do. You know when you're working some chick? Yes.

Yeah, that was a... And the funny thing is, I think that may have been in the middle of one of the longest dry spells of my entire life, so I didn't even know what you were talking about. You didn't even know... A whole two weeks. Come on, man. Well, let's talk about this for a minute, because I know we've touched on the show. We've touched on... I've told a few stories about my girlfriend, long-term girlfriend,

long-time listener of the show, long-time fan of myself. Good one. Right. So, but, Dastlo, you mentioned that you've got a new girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. We touched on that. And I haven't got my mitts into this subject yet. And I really should yeah and uh because you've got it you've got a newish girlfriend I think have you started going out

with her since the show started like after this show has started uh we actually I think we started going out pretty much around the same time that the show started so the podcast has got you some some sweet action yeah is that is that fair that fair? Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, well, so let's talk about this a little bit. I don't know why you're so fascinated. I don't know what's to... Because, well, because I've known you for a few years and I have not known you to have

a girlfriend. Like, I think you... That's correct. We became friends, I think, pretty much right after... We became acquaintances. We both became fans of the show that didn't exist yet. We are around, yeah, pretty much straight after I broke up with my last girlfriend. Yeah, right.

Yeah. So I don't know Deslo. It's a weird thing to know you as having a girlfriend, to me. Have you noticed a change in Deslo since having a girlfriend? On a friend level? No, not too much. He's just got less free time now that he's actually got a girlfriend.

He's not a complete loser anymore. Oh, okay. No, it's a joke. It's a joke. I'm still the same deadbeat that you fell in love with all those years ago. Yeah. So, but,

so all these years, it's actually only been recently where, you know, you obviously not want to brag about your conquests that you've had. But I've never heard you talk about girls and stuff like that much. But then lately, through other people or through things that have slipped out or whatever, I've noticed that you've had quite a bit of action lately. Just before you got yourself a girlfriend, there's been a fair bit of desolate action happening.

It's been spreading all around. What's your... Well, I think a perfect example would be, the best example is that we were here, we were at a comedy night a couple of weeks ago, or more than a couple of weeks ago, and I thought this was awesome. We were at this night. He wasn't even on. We don't want this.

He wasn't even on. Yeah. I don't know about this. Stop it. He wasn't even on the night, I don't even know what's out there. He wasn't even on the night, right? You know what I've noticed from listening to a lot? Whenever someone says that, it's in the podcast. He wasn't even on the night.

Yeah. And he was sitting up the back of the gig in the small gig. I didn't want to be in the same room. And he started macking out with a girl mid-gig. Macking out. Pashing for a party in London. Yeah. He was getting on with a chick.

Snogging. Snogging. Mid-gig. During the gig. No, not during the gig. Yes, you were. It was not during the gig. You were.

It was not during the gig. Well, that's the thing. It wasn't like Barry White as background music or whatever. It was like him getting down and nasty to a bit of limo doing cricket jokes. Look, okay. Context is important here. First of all, I've just told you that I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of limo doing cricket jokes. Look, okay, context is important here. First of all, I've just told you that I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of months now.

Oh, is it months? Yeah, and then you're going, oh, this happened a couple of weeks ago. Oh, okay. Way longer than a couple of weeks. It was months ago. Oh, it was at least a month ago then. It was longer than that. No, it was.

So, fucking, what happened was I walked up to Soft Belly to just watch the end of a gig. I just thought I was hanging out with nothing to do, you know, because it was before I had a girlfriend. So I'll go watch some comedy. I'm lonely. So I went down and I'm there on my own. I'm sitting up the back.

I'm sitting next to this girl and we just get talking just out of nowhere. I can't remember how we started talking, but she just was quite drunk and just sort of started talking to me. And I was on my own. And when I'm on my own talking to someone I don't know, I just carry on like a fuckhead because I sort of think it doesn't matter. So I, at one point I went, I'm just happy to be out of the house. I'm 48 years old.

And she went, oh, you, she said, are you really 48? And I went, no, you're great for a 48 year old. She said, are you really 48? And I went, no, I'm 24. And she goes, oh, well, it's just that you look like you could be 48. Oh, what a sweet line. We've all copped that one. So you didn't kiss her to shut her up. She goes, you've got these wrinkles under your eyes and, you know, your nose is kind of too big for your head and then your mouth.

Oh, yeah. And I'm like, you've got to stop flirting because I am getting a boner. And then she goes, I'm 30 and you look worse than me. Oh. Now, let's make sure that we know what happens after that, after she said all of that. I'm getting to that. Yeah, right.

So then the gig carries on and a friend of the show and previous guest Dave Thornton was headlining. And halfway through his set, she turns to me and goes, you know what the best part about this is? And I went, what's that? And she goes, you're going to kiss me at the end of the show. And I went, is that what you think is going to happen? And she went, yeah.

And I went, oh, well, good luck with that. And then just kind of just left it, right? So then the show ends and then she turns to me and goes, so what do you reckon? And I'm like, about what? And she goes, about kissing me. And I'm like, oh, to be honest, I'm kind of, like a lot of my friends here and Kyle Chandler's over there. It's probably not a good idea because I'll end up recounting this

on a podcast several months later. Oh, my God. So then she just basically went in for it, just was not taking no for an answer. It was a very fucking weird thing to happen just off the back of just getting shit hung on me about having a completely fucked head it was uh it was funny because someone else gaming me she's doing she's working game yeah the game the she game yep when you're fucking working some boy. Working a fella. Yeah.

So I looked over and I didn't see the first bit. The preamble. Yeah, I didn't see the preamble. But I saw the end bit when she was about to leave and she was obviously asking you for your number or whatever. It was just a beautiful piece of, what do you call it? We knew what this was. Human gymnastics because it was like her just leaning in, and you just couldn't have looked any more not into it.

That's right. Trying to get your face as far as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His back was bending way out of the way, like some sort of cartoon character. Thanks for bringing that up, mate. Come on, it's funny. It is funny. Hang on, I loved your way into that was you've got a girlfriend

and that's really nice for you and you're a mate and I really care about you. And I thought, oh, this is a nice thing. I wasn't saying anything. And then all of a sudden it was just a front to be able to rag me out about that thing that happened fucking months ago. Well, I couldn't see any jokes in, hey, I'm glad you've got a girlfriend. I hope you're really happy. And you're a dickhead.

I do wonder why you bought it up. And then, oh, I forgot this. As we were kissing, I felt my phone in my pocket go off. And then afterwards I've checked it and it had been a text from Carl from the other side of the room just saying, kiss her. Classic. Classic. I love it so it gave you a lot.

I just can't imagine making out to a comedy. No, it was very, yeah, it was very, it was way too. So was Lima on when you, you're lucky you didn't get called out. No, it wasn't on. I don't know where you got that from. The gig had ended. Everyone was packing up. All right.

Well, I'm glad you're in a good relationship and you, Chandler. Thank you. I'm currently in, I currently doing the long distance thing. Yep. Yep. I'm in London. Boyf's in Melbourne. It's not great.

No. I want to get a bit of advice. It's an interesting thing to do as much as it sucks. Like when you tell people about it, originally I thought people responded like someone had died. Like you tell them you're long distance and they go, oh, hey. But it's not.

It's like someone's about to die. It's like someone's on their deathbed. Like, oh, but at least you're comfortable and you're there. It's weird. It's one of those things. I don't know if it's possible. And, you know, everyone just goes, there's no chance. Yeah.

I had one. Really? Yeah. How long distance though? And I'm still broken up with that girl today. So, yeah. Long distance what though? Like overseas?

No, it was, I was in Melbourne and she was in Brisbane. Okay, yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah, which is long enough. But I mean like it might, yeah. I mean just, you know, if it's apart, it might as well be really far apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because at least, I mean, it's easier to, you know, it's only a couple hundred bucks to travel interstate.

Yeah. But it's, you know, it's fucking thousands of dollars to pop into the UK. Yeah. The other weird thing is it gives complete strangers absolute license to talk to you, to your face about your sex life. Do you know what I mean? Like, you go, I'm in a long distance relationship. And then anyone, if I, in London, when I was like, I'm going back, I'm going to visit my

boyfriend, just straight away, they're like, you're going to get some dick. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? If someone, if you meet someone and they go, this is my boyfriend, you don't go, oh, you do sex on each other. You know what I mean? Just, you can just meet them. That would be so much better if it was your boyfriend saying that.

When you first meet him, you are going to get some dick. Get some dick. So it's kind of, yeah. I mean, yeah, but it's weird. It's a weird thing. That is actually interesting. That reminds me of, we mentioned him before, friend of the show, Dave Bushel. We were out for breakfast earlier in the year and there was a couple sitting near us and

they got up to leave and as they left, Dave goes, couldn't you just tell by looking at them that they had just been fucking each other all morning? I was like, who thinks like that? Like who just sees two strangers out in the street and thinks like – Sometimes, to be honest, this is going to sound weird, sometimes I'm walking around, this is going to make the rest of this weird. Here we go. Oh, no, just sometimes about walking, I'm really – I'm quite immature,

as you guys know. Like I'll just see guys and my mind will just go, he's got a dick. He's got one. There's one and he's got one right there. But just for age. And do you find yourself doing it about like weird old dudes and like really gross fat guys? No, no. Really? You just limit it? They have dicks too,

Celia. I know they have dicks too. I just think it's funny. They've got a dick. But you do think that. I've felt that about couples. And when it's your friends, you can't help but sometimes picture them. I'm just afraid I haven't met your girlfriend. You're lucky you never saw what I saw at the comedy night. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Hey, so getting back to the Meredith thing, the girl. This girl came up to me and my friends Chuck and Flash. And she comes up. Hang on. Chuck and Flash. Chuck and Flash. Yeah. Awesome.

Yeah. Came up and she had a camera. Hang on. Chuck and Flash. What? That's two people. Yeah, yeah. Chuck.

Flash is a nickname. Right. Why? What's Flash from? Oh, I don't know. It's one of those nicknames where everyone kind of forgets, you know, why. You know when people have a nickname and people just kind of end up forgetting their actual real first name? Like his real name's Tom and people will say, where's Tom?

And people will go, who the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, right. I think it's because in high school he did like a, yeah, he did a dance in some drama thing to that song and then that kind of became his. Showed his dick to someone and that was it. What's your nickname? Have you got a nickname in your group? I had the nickname in high school.

Some guys tried to get the nickname Meatball going for me. Yes. And it never, they, two of these guys. It never caught on until now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Neato. Well, the funny thing is that a lot all my non-comedy friends just call me Dazzler now, so my kind

of assumed comedy name has sort of become my nickname in a way. Oh, right. Which we won't touch on because it's been touched on before. That's right. Done my research. It's still funny, though. Why Meatball? Meatball.

Yes. I've no idea. Just one day they were looking at me and they went, we're going to call you Meatball. Yeah. That would go well with Chuck and Flash. Chuck, Flash and Meatball. Yeah. Ballsy.

There you go. S-A-F-M. Six till nine. Chuck, Flash and Meatball. I'm trying to think of other ones. I've tried to start other ones. I can't remember what they were though. What about you?

You don't have a nickname? The Chan Man. No. That was a self-imposed nickname. Yeah. An ironic, horrible one. No, everyone in my hometown calls anyone with the last name Chandler, Chang or Changa. So whenever you hear the word Chang or Changa around me, you'll know that I'm with my boyhood friends. Okay.

Yeah. You know my one. Oh, no, I did material about it. It sucks because I came up with my own, which is true. Hang on. The material sucks or the nickname sucks? Both, both, both. It's in the account.

I don't do it anymore. But it was true is that I wanted a nickname because I've never had one. Castelia and Pequola. I've never had anything. And I came up with the pack attack, which was, and I told people, and then I realized it sounded like gang rape. So I had to drop it. There you go.

You still haven't had one. Just a little dumb, dumb plug. No, no, no. Oh, I've just remembered. I did have one in that way and you'll enjoy this. In year seven when we went on school camp, there was like the guy that ran the camp or whatever. He would give nicknames to everyone and it was always just like he'd just chop the end of –

that classic chop the end of your last name off. So mine was Olsi, which is just – Because your name is Tom Olso. Olso. Yeah, it was Olsi. So then we got back to school and a bunch of the guys in my class just to sort of razz me up were like, remember the guy on cam? Remember how he called you Soppy?

Soppy, that was your nickname. And it was just – for some reason, you know on something, you know that you're being played, but it just pushes you apart. And I was like, no, it was Olsi. They're like, nah, it was just for some reason you know on something you know that you're being played but it just pushes your button i was like no it was also like not it was soppy and then there was a whole group of them who got together like soppy soppy and then it was you're all fucked i know that you know that you're being wrong on purpose fuck you all i want to hang out with these mates yeah soppy was this flash and chuck no no this is different dudes um so Sobby was my high school name for a long time. Sobbo. Sobby. Sobby Meatball.

Sobby Meatball. Can I say quickly, I had someone I went to school with in high school who was almost like Homer Simpson dumb in that he's so, so dumb and he was known for a couple of these key phrases where like one time someone offered him a party pie and he goes, I hate party pies but I used to. And then his second phrase was someone in school, someone in class once said, oh, I really need to take a shit. And he goes, well, flop it out then. You don't know your physics, man. I had a good one.

A guy in my maths class, I was shit at maths in high school and then I eventually got moved into what my school affectionately referred to as the veggie maths class. Oh, yes. Because I just didn't try because I didn't care. I worked out quite early on in high school that I didn't want to do anything that would ever need that maths. Adding up.

There's no need for numbers in the rest of your life. No, not at all. So I just kind of coasted. And I think I'd worked out that because you could drop it in year 11 and this was like halfway through year 10 and I just sort of went, well, fuck this then and then I got put into the vegetable class. But there was this guy there. There's this guy there.

A meatball in the vegetable class. Oh, that was a meaty. You would have been kicked straight out of here. Soppo veggie meato. So I'm in there and there was this guy in there who was sort of known throughout the school as just being a complete dead shit. And one day, I can't remember what was happening, but he was just arcing up and just acting the goat and being a fucking idiot in the class.

And then someone goes, why don't you just shut the fuck up? And he turns around and goes, why don't you go to the toilet? And he turns around and goes, why don't you go to the toilet? But it's interesting that you bring up pies, Carl Chandler, because you would know this as a fan of the show, Celia. In episode three, I believe, Carl came in with a story about auditioning for an ad in a pie commercial. Now, I don't know if you've been watching much Australian TV since you got back. I was at my folks' place the other night watching Friends,

and in an advert I was checking my phone when I hear from over in the corner on the TV, I hear a mysterious voice saying, give me that pie, kid. I went, why is that sentence so familiar? And I went, it's Jan was pie at. It's on. Which is, it just, I mean, look, the guy on it's good, but he's no Chan man. He's no Chan man.

He's no Chan man. What did the Chan man. He's no Chan man. What did the casting man tell you to play it like? Was it like Robert De Niro or something? No, no, no. Like John Belushi. Like John Belushi. I can see how you confused Belushi with De Niro. You know in Animal House where he's just doling out the pies?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a bit like that. I did see it. I was like, holy shit. To be fair, that guy does look... I thought the kid was a bit... I haven't seen it. Kid no good? Are you doing it fair, that guy does look... I thought the kid was a bit... I haven't seen it. Kid no good?

Are you doing it? No, no, no. I thought the kid was a bit rubbish. The guy looks way more like Belushi than you, though, so I feel too bad about not getting it. But it's funny because it's on... I've only ever seen it on... I'd love it if it was Jim Belushi.

That's how badly his career's gone that he's just pipped me. After I did that final casting thing and I knew I hadn't got it. For that ad. Yeah, for that ad. It was one of those crazy Melbourne days that we're having a lot more of where it just goes from this to this in the weather. And I went there when it was absolutely pouring. It was teeming rain. It was like crazy. So I brought my coat. I brought it all it was absolutely pouring. It was teeming rain. It was like crazy.

So I brought my coat. I brought it all rugged up and whatever. I went in. By the time I got out, it was like hot. It was baking hot. Insane. But it had been pouring, pouring. Now it was hot.

So I get out, take all my stuff off, get in the car. I'm just going down Chapel Street, got the window down, just going, oh, what an awesome day. All of a sudden, it was like 32 degrees. And I'm driving down Chapel Street, and I've just missed out on the part of the thing. And a truck has driven the other way and run over this massive puddle just as I'm hanging my head out the window. And this massive puddle hit me in the face and mouth. So there was a bit of double sweet result that day.

Just to rub it in. Just to remind me. Just punishing you for the fact that you get hot. How did it taste? Gritty. Did it taste like failure? I was just like, I was hanging my head out the window going, oh, maybe I did get that part.

Nah, I probably didn't. To be fair, you were driving along saying, give me that puddle truck. Jim Belushi wouldn't have got that. Probably does pretty regularly get dirty water thrown at him in some way. Hey, can I tell you a quick story? Yeah, please do.

It's just on the top of my head because of how you did the whole hey-may at the start and that we do that quite a lot. Oh, can I quickly? Here's something for you if you want info about the girlfriend. Oh. Hates that. Oh, really? Hates hey mate.

Yeah. Why? Toby's about the same. Because. Oh, boo. You're no friend of the show, Tobes. How's Diane about it? No, she's.

No, I'll tell you how she is about it. She doesn't listen to the show okay because the thing is i've been doing it before the show like for a while yeah um and a lot of my non-comedy friends have gotten onto it and because i know my girlfriend through um a mutual friend of ours i would then when we started seeing each other i started was doing it around and she's like fuck i hate that because chuck does it all the time what the fuck is that and i'm like it's a little thing well i've noticed that with stuff like that if if if we if i get into something and uh and you happen to take a fancy to it and then i talk to your friends

and your friends are all saying all this stuff that i've started at some stage back at me i'm like this is weird yeah my cousin holly my cousin who i live with she uh she gets a lot of shit from her friends because all her friends are like, since you started living with Tommy, you've just fucking turned into him. First of all, that's not such a bad thing. Second of all, it's kind of a bit of me and a bit of Carl Chandler, really. Well, the hey, mate thing, I'm doing it all the time to the point where I've got to stop myself and go, hey, mate, damn it.

And I think the thing with Toby is it just takes ages when I could get to the point of the sentence. It's like, hey, mate. I could have told him like half the information that I was supposed to. Hi. And see you, mate. I'm late now. I am late.

I did it on my – this is how bad I've gotten with it. I did it out loud on my own coming back from Perth the other weekend. I was on the flight and we landed and they went, you know, this is our final stop of Melbourne. If you're returning home, welcome home. We'll see you next time. Thank you for flying with Tiger Airways. And I yelled out, thanks, mate. You know what?

I was talking to a friend about it. I was talking to a friend having a beer at lunchtime like a week ago in a pub, and I was just like being stupid, and I unconsciously didn't mean to do it, went up to the bartender, to the girl, to get a beer, and just went, hey, mate, can I have a beer? She just looked at me like a guy drinking at lunchtime. Where does it come from? Well, this is what I'm going to say.

Is this, okay. This is where it comes from originally. The origins. Wow. I had two friends that, this is the stupid story. Yeah, that's it. They were both really long. Meatball and spaghetti.

They were out bike riding on themxs and they were riding home and one of them decided to get it more serious than the other one without a word being spoken one of them just started going a bit faster and the other one's like why is he going a bit okay and just went a bit faster and when he caught up to him he went faster again the first guy and the second guy's like what okay and then he caught up to him and then it just faster and faster and all of a sudden they're just going flat out for no reason with no words spoken and the second guy's like, what? Okay. And then he caught up to him and then it just faster and faster and all of a sudden they're just going flat out for no reason with no words spoken and the second guy's just trying to catch up to the first guy who's just gotten super serious about getting home on time.

Anyway, all of a sudden they're just going flat out. All of a sudden the first guy arcs off onto this other track like a tiny little shortcut before the other guy got a chance to do it. So he started going down this second track which was still parallel. Sounds like a plot to an 80s movie. Yeah, was still parallel to the first track.

So they're just both burling along. All of a sudden, the first track, the offshoot track, comes to a dead end. So the first guy has to do this massive skid and turn the bike around sort of thing. And as that all happens, the second guy just sort of dawdles past in the bike going, See you, mate. Wow, that sounds like a really early version of Tron. Like that's what it is. I think actually my friends were Nicole Kidman and someone else

and their movie was BMX Bandits. That would be awesome to re-dub Tron with just, See you, mate. Catch this one, mate. Oh, my God. I don't know why. It just feels good, and I like that better because we've started other things.

Like, I'm not down with everything. Like, I like that better than old mate. Old mate. Hey, mate, it's fun to say it that way. Yeah, it feels good. It just feels nice. It feels nice coming out of your head. I mean, even getting it back from someone,

even though it's a joke, it feels nice. To be honest, it feels like the best thing that can come out of your head. Really. It is the best. It's nice coming out of your head. I mean, even getting it back from someone, even though it's a joke, it feels nice. To be honest, it feels like the best thing that can come out of your head. Really? Yeah, it is the best. It's the best. Thanks, man. It's probably pushing forward a horrible stereotype overseas in England if you're going around to people going,

Hey, mate. Yeah, good on you. Put your corked fucking hat back on if you care. But I told you that the most interesting comedy-related thing, really, that's happened is in Ireland. I did a gig to a teenage gigs and I got called a milf. Oh, yeah. You haven't heard of it.

It was like 60, 15 to 17-year-old teenage Irish kids. Yeah. And what happened was Patrick Monaghan was MC who's awesome, does a lot of crowd work and was just smashing them, was great with it, called this kid in the front row, Justin Bieber, like, I love it. Got a kid out of you, got a girlfriend, all that kind of stuff. And then someone in the crowd said porn. So he went, did you say porn? He was like, yes. And he said, well, that's interesting because one of the acts on tonight has been in a porn

and at the end, you can guess which one it was. Not in a mean way, but he just said it, but it was right before. I was first. It was right before he brought me on. So he brought me on. And the first thing I said was, before you say it, I'm not the one who's been in a porn. And straight away, the kid who was Justin Bieber just goes right in the front row, really meanly goes, I bet you have. What? And then two rows behind him, another kid goes, yeah, a MILF one.

I was like, what? Body shot and a jet in the head. I was just – and then I was talking to someone about – You just put the glasses on. You did one of those Sarah Palin ones. I couldn't – I just was like, what? I couldn't believe it. I had absolutely nothing.

I just – my default position was to be hurt. I was like, what? And I was talking to someone about it later and he was like, yeah, like you couldn't be in a normal porn i'm like i didn't even think of that yeah like my friend is a bit like that he um i think he's i think he's confused the term milf with just the term hot chick like anytime he sees a hot girl out regardless of the age he'll go oh check out that milf it It's like, she looks 21. And also, yeah, you don't really hear it. MILF?

Oh, come on. Surely that can be replaced by something else. That's a weird thing to project onto someone, that there's no evidence of them being a mother. Just to go, oh, she looks like a MILF. Like, the only way I could do you is if you've had a kid. It'll be like a girl in a school dress coming out of sports. Look at that milk. So yeah, that was interesting.

All right. Well, do you want to talk about Laid for a bit? Is there much? We should give that a bit of a plug or whatever. That's exciting. It is really exciting. I couldn't be an actor. It's really fun, as I'm sure you know, going into auditions as a comic.

Is it? Yeah, because... an actor it's really fun as I'm sure you know going into auditions as a comic because is it? yeah because no no no because I find it is because they because I go if I'm shit at this

I never said I was good at it you know what I mean yeah yeah I don't have any expectations you know it's not like I'm great at this and I'm an actor and you should cast me

just go well I never said I was an actor so if you don't want me fuck you but yeah I'm doing this show called Laid which goes to air in February it's out now

it's not a secret but it's going to air in February. Maybe this is why they thought you were in a porno. Maybe. Well, this is the cool thing about it. What it's about is it's about a girl who every person she's had sex with starts dying in order that she had sex with them. Is this you? No.

How's this? Even better. She's the main girl, right? She's called Alison Bell. She's freaking awesome. And I am the sassy best friend. Yeah. I've always wanted to be the sassy best friend.

I think every comic has. That's every comedian's dream. You're like, what is it, seven on Blossom? Seven? Seven? Kimmy? Yeah, that was the dumb one on Full House. You're like John Belushi.

I'm totally John Belushi. You should have done the pie act. But yeah, I get to be the sassy best friend. And I get to say all these like really total grown up sexual innuendo things that I personally would never say because I go boob. You know what I mean? So I get, I've got all the one line stuff. So what do you say?

What do you got? I get to say something about squirty women. Oh. We're going into that territory. Give me back that pie kid. What? Give me back that pie kid. Give me back that pie kid.

Do you get to say anything about working some chick? No. I should have put that in. Flop it out. Flop it out. Show us your spaghetti or your meatballs. But it's a great cast. Yeah, yeah. McCarmack is in it. I saw a clip with him in it a great cast. McCarmick is in it.

I saw a clip with him in it. Yep. Graham Blundell is in it. Abe Forsyth is in it. Toby Truslove, my boyfriend, whatever, is in it. How about this as well? We're playing boyfriend and girlfriend in the show. It was really awesome.

That would have been awesome if one of you got the part and then the other one nearly got there and then didn't. It was like, no, you guys just aren't realistic. You don't have the chemistry. Do you know what? This isn't going to work out. I'll give it two months. Give it two months.

You're far apart from each other. We're filming in two months and we reckon you'll be breaking up then and it's going to be too hard on set if you guys are fighting. It'll be really awkward and it's been quite, well, not, I was going to say it's been quite public, but you know what I mean. It's one of those things who knows if it goes to another series or whatever. It'll be, it's a possibility to be well awkward. But yeah, so it's really exciting.

And I just hope it's good. And Marie Carty wrote it. Yeah. Cool. So it's really, it's quite dark and funny and stuff. But I'm terrified. You know what I mean. I'm not an actor.

I don't know. I'll feel better once it's gone to air. But you won't be in the country. That's a great thing. Yeah, mate. Yeah, no, I won't be. Unless I get invited to the Logies, then I'll be back here. Is that a possibility?

I don't even know. I think it might be too early. It might be too late for the thingies. then I'll be back here. Is that a possibility? I don't even know. I think it might be too early. It might be too late for the thingies, but I don't care. I know the Logies is whatever, but I want to go. No, I would go. I'll go for you. We're a big chance of getting invited to the Grammys, I reckon. Are we?

Yeah, man. The little Dundum Club. The Potties. I'd like to go to the Arias. You'd like to go? Yeah. Have you been with your old mates? No, no, no.

I've got friends that have been to the Arias, but they do that classic thing. They want Arias, and they do that classic thing of using them as doorstops and stuff like that. Do they really? Yeah. Oh, whatever. That's like almost more arrogant than putting them on show.

Funny thing is, one of them, they had this weird situation where they had like a session drummer or something that went on tour with them. It had nothing to do with the album or whatever. He just rocked up at the Arias and then they like cleaned up at the Arias, these guys, and he just jumped up on stage every time and grabbed an Aria. So this guy has got like four Arias at home, was not on the album, played on tour with them for a couple of months.

Part of me does think that, you know when shows win that have a massive thing and like 20 people get up? I just have always thought about someone in a ball gown. Just if you could get up and sneak up and just stand at the back with a team of people and be like... Old dirty bitch. Yeah, I did grab a... Well, maybe we can come if Blade does make it in. Yeah.

Maybe we can do that. Yeah, mate, sneak out. With the extras. Yeah. Well, because do that. Yeah, mate, sneak out. Maybe the extras. Yeah. Well, because you and Toby will presumably be going, so you won't need to bring dates. So me and Carl will be here and Toby's date. We'll be the plus ones.

We'll be your plus ones. And I will say to Toby all day, hey, mate. Hey, mate. Can you promise us here now on the show, if you win a Logie for your role, you will get up and claim it and say nothing more. You'll just get up and go, thanks, mate. Yes.

Can you promise us that here and now you'll do that? I will promise I will say, thanks, mate. But I might need to say something else. Let me thank my mum. I'm going to be switching the TV off after that. I absolutely will to say something else. Let me think my mind. I'm switching the TV off after that. I absolutely will. Awesome. Yes.

Time to stuff the box, Dazzler. Get your TV weeks ready. Oh, yes. Best little dickhead. I want that all. Best new little dickhead. Littlest dum-dum. Best little supporting dickhead.

Shittiest penguin. Well, I think that brings us to the end of another week of Little Dumb Dumb Club. Anyone got anything more to add before we sail on out of here? No, mate. No, mate. Hey, Seals, it's great to see you again. Thanks so much for coming on the show. Check out Laid in February.

You're on at Soft Belly Comedy this Thursday night, November the, what will it be? December dickhead. December. December the 16th. December the 16th, Soft Belly Comedy this Thursday night November the, what will it be? December December the 16th December the 16th, Soft Belly Comedy Check Seals out We'll see you next week for more Dumb Dumbery Thanks for listening See you, bye

See you, bye