The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 87 - Greg Fleet & Bart Freebairn

Episode Date: May 23, 2012

Disabled Toilets, Glass Babies and Greyhound Skins. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, just a reminder that our live episodes from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival are available for download now, right now, at thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. They've got heaps of awesome guests in them. We've got Andrew O'Keefe in there. We've got Tony Martin. We were thrilled to have him. We've got John Safran again, an old friend of the show. And we've got heaps of Luke McGregor and anyone for tennis who did awesome jobs.

So definitely worth a download. Please, yeah, hit us up at the Bandcamp site. Yeah, the people who've been getting them have been really liking them. So if you haven't checked them out yet, definitely do that because they are lots of fun. TheLittleDumbDumbClub.Bandcamp.com. Thanks, mates. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. How you going there, buddy? Yeah, I'm good. I'm ready to go. Yeah, we're ready to go.

We've been waiting out the front for a few hours now. Yeah, we've been out the front for three hours waiting for our awesome guest, so it's going to be well worth the wait. Hey, let me just mention this quickly. I was in Sydney during the week, and I bumped into Sam Simmons, who we've had numerous discussions. Friend of the show. We've had numerous discussions on this program about many people thinking that I sound like his girlfriend. She was there, and I very distinctively did not get an introduction to her.

He very obviously and deliberately kept us separate. At some stage, did he close his eyes and then accidentally kiss you? Yes. Yeah, I made out with him. I waited for the moment, followed him into the bathroom, blindfolded him, and let's not talk about it. Wow. But yeah, I found that interesting.

I found that very interesting. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, let's get into it. I told you that wasn't going to be much and it really worked out. Our guests are doing some kind of weird hand signs with each other. We have two return guests, two fan favourites back on the show. Two Hall of Fame friends of the show.

Hall of Fame both making their third appearance on the show. First of all, from the Something for the Drive Home podcast, welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Bart Freedman. Yay! Fancy whistles. Bart toumb Club, Bart Freebad. Yay! Mother of God. Fancy whistle. Bart to the free, to the ball. Welcome to the gravy hall.

Now, last time we had you on, we made a very distinct point of getting you to censor yourself. Yeah, no swears. And I don't know that it worked out. It was pretty, I think you found it very difficult. A lot of the listeners were questioning why we would have you on and then make such a call. Yeah. So, I don't know, do we dare to let him take the brakes off a little bit? No one wants to hear too much swearing.

No, I won't do any swears. Lift the restrictions. Hey, guys, censorship is part of what the government wants you to do to lock you into your own houses so you can't have fun outside with your pets. Yeah. Yeah, and they make you pay more taxes. Yeah. So whatever.

And then you do more laundry, and that's how they get money. Free the swe more taxes. Yeah. So whatever. And then you do more laundry and that's how they get money. Free the swearing dog. The more you yell at trees with swears. Hang on, a plasticine dog has crept into the studio next to Bart. Yeah. Also making his third appearance on the show, you'll know him from the Comedy Festival galas and from Get This and various other things,

Australian comedy legend Greg Fleet. Home, hardware, home, hardware. I am the. Home hardware, home hardware. I am the yellow dog from the home hardware ads. You are the Gumby of home improvement. I am indeed. And I said this in my show that of those two dogs, I'm the shit dog. Anyone who's seen the home hardware ads, I'm the yellow dog. So the other dog says all the factual things.

And then I come in, you know, like if they had a financial crisis at Home Hardware, my dog would be out. You're the Ed McMahon of dogs. Yeah, yeah. The other guy says all the important stuff and then I come in and go, yeah, $4.99. That's my contribution to the Home Hardware. That's important though, otherwise people wouldn't know what price things were. Well, they wouldn't because he's already said it.

Okay, right. You're the numbers dog. Yeah, yeah. I'm the kind of, that's my contribution to the hardware betterment of Australia. You're the middle man even though there's only two people, so there's not even a middle. Oh, man. But, you know, I've been researching dogs because I'm thinking about getting one.

A lot of dogs, you need to get two of them, certain breeds, because they get lonely and go crazy. So maybe it's like that with the home hardware dogs, like plasticine dogs. If your dog went, the ads would be really depressing because the one that's left would be like, oh. But if you had got three more dogs, they would have formed into Voltron dog. Ah, oh, some know. Yeah, Voltrog.

Oh. You would have nailed them together from all the nails at home hardware. Oh, yeah, Nailgun. Yeah, yeah. Nailgun dog. Naildog. Dubla dog. Dubla dog.

Ultra dog of nail. Ultra Dog. Uber Dog. You guys have read out the scripts very well that we've provided you with so far. How do you spell Uber properly? I'm not sure how to pronounce this anyway. But, hey, listen, if you're getting a doggy, I swear to God, I've got one recently, and I got her in January, and it's changed my life.

She's so awesome. What breed? She is a Jack Russell mixed with a bit of wire-haired dash hound. So a faggot dog. Oh, yeah, very, very forgoaty. Just testing the waters. Okay, I'm just going to put the handbrake back on for 20 minutes. You're in the naughty corner now.

So I get one swear every 20 minutes? Yeah, that's how it works. It wasn't even a swear. He's just setting an alarm for himself, by the way, people at home. I'll give you the thumbs up when I can see 20 on this thing. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, guys. Have a think about the word you want to use in 20 minutes.

Yeah, I'm just going to. But you should get a dog, Tommy. Yeah? Yeah, I swear to God. It's changed my life completely. I come home. It's like it's better than a relationship. You've got unconditional love, this little thing that you go out and when you come back

they're just like, oh man, I missed you, you're so excellent. You know, tell me your story. It's great. You know, I've never had that from a partner in a relationship. I've never had unconditional love. Then again, I've never had somebody shit on the kitchen floor either. So it's a trade-off. You haven't lived.

You haven't really been in many good relationships. What nightclubs are you going to Boring ones You should be able to train that Just because you've been to You've been to Log on the Lino That new nightclub

That's awesome You could train it Like if you put enough Dog treats And peanut butter On your chest You could train it To do number twos

Where it belongs Yeah Yeah where it's meant to go Now Bart Hey Bart Freeburn Bart now Tommy mentioned up top That you have your own podcast, which I'm a real fan of.

I don't actually listen to many podcasts, but I listen to yours because I really enjoy it. Something for the ride home, for the drive home. I think you called it a bodcast as well. He did call it a bodcast. I don't listen to many bodcasts. I heard that. It's very physical.

I didn't bring it up. I deliberately didn't bring it up because I thought, oh, it must be something that all the kids are is. It's very physical. I didn't bring it up. I deliberately didn't bring it up because I thought, oh, it must be something that all the kids are using. It's new. It's new. That's my swear word I used for this 20 minutes. Is that a swear word? It's an integration of Twitter and yoga, so it's bod.

It's bod. It's like you tweet out your different moves. I thought you were going to say tweet out your ass. That's your word. That's your swear, buddy. Oh, what a waste. And when you said dog. Oh, what a waste. And when you said dog. Oh, what a waste.

You rude SOB. Yeah, exactly. We get listened to in some countries where dog is a swear word. I think I'm the only one who's allowed to swear now. I don't have the 20-minute clock on me. Yeah. Time to tick it over. What are you going to say?

I've got a story that requires a swear word. So I'll save it for that. I'm so excited. So something for the drive home is your podcast, which we did like a little interview a week or two ago, which hasn't come out yet. So we won't say exactly what's going on, but they asked, yes.

You'll definitely know it's not live now. It's actually the interview is Transformers 4. Yeah. It's a new Transformers 4 movie. Yeah. So it's with Parkinson's. So anyway, so it was about podcasts or bodcasts and um they said what do you listen to what what's something that you can talk about and uh

i suggested something to drive home and uh the interviewer said uh oh yeah cool and wrote it down and i went oh it's a little bit and i thought about the contents of your show and i went well it's a little bit sweary just you might just want to check it out and they go yeah no that's okay yeah and then i go oh no and that's really cool because I did their last live podcast inside a disabled toilet. And they went, okay, and just couldn't have put a line through the name. Yeah, I think the rest of the notebook got destroyed just by the pen going through about eight pages.

Did you tell them that we both had cerebral palsy, though? Because that's important for us. Yeah, that's offensive, actually, now that you mention it. Yeah, like if she didn't actually ask if either of us had handicaps, which is really small-minded of her. Yeah, that's actually, yeah. I'd like to use my next swear word now, if that's all right. It's been three minutes.

It has been three minutes. Well, and I've told you this in person, but my girlfriend has just professed an interest in getting into podcasts, so I went and I downloaded a few of my favourite episodes of Favourite Chosen. I put one of Something for the Drive Home on there for her to listen to, and then she listened and she enjoyed it. And then that night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep, and she turns to me and she goes,

Good night, you fucking cunt. And I went, What is that? And she goes, That's my impression of your friend Bart. That's how I say goodnight to everybody. One reason why I don't talk to my mother very often. She hates the word night. Yeah. She doesn't like darkness. I just like how you didn't get in the paper just because, not because, like we said, oh,

they swear a lot and they go, oh, and then it's like, oh no, disabled toilet. I went, no, no. Like we can handle the swear. We can handle a C-bomb or an F-bomb. But if the idea of someone in a wheelchair may have got constipation from waiting for you to come out. You're like the Pete Best of the Beatles now. You could have made it if you hadn't have done your show, if you hadn't have been with Ringo Starr inside a disabled toilet. Somebody made handicapped bum gravy because you were making some funny lols. See how making you not swear, it makes you more creative. Handicapped bum gravy.

Yeah, I like it. You would have just said spaz shit or something otherwise if you'd been allowed to go loose. I never would have said that. I would have used three more swear words that were worse than that. Back lobs, back lobs. But I've only got, I've done my calculations two more swears for the episode so I've got to be careful. That was,

I agree with what Tommy said, it sort of forces you into being more creative with language. The thing about swear words anyway, when it comes down to it, you know,

people censor that because they're rude words and they're considered rude but if you think about it, like, you can say things that are so much ruder, like the images

that you conjure in people's heads without any swear words. Yeah, true. You know, you can, like saying the, saying, you know, the F word or the C bomb or something, but then just talking about fingering a taxi driver, which neither of those are swear words. No.

Is fingering not a swear word? Yeah, I think fingering. I don't know if you'd be able to say fingering at this time of day on the TV. Can you say, if you were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and you said fingering, that would get it out, which I think means a swear word. Unless it was an answer to what do you do in a... To a taxi driver. For $100.

What did you just do to me right now? No, if you were in the mob and you informed on somebody, what would it be called? What are finger buns used for? Fingering. What do you do on a for? Fingering. Fingering. What do you do on a guitar? Fingering. No, you use a guitar to lure someone into your cab so you can finger them into your vagina.

What do you do? What do you do when you're... Classic finger lure. Yeah, yeah. Finger lure. That's my new album. What song are you singing? I like that...

That's my new album. I like that taxi drivers are like the new Wile E. Coyote of fingering. Yeah. You're trying to lure people in. Have you seen the unsuccessful that really created it? Meep, meep, meep, meep, vroom. The Acme fingering kit.

Yeah. It's come from the rocks at Topshop. I just drew a taxi on a big rock wall. Do they leave the meter on while they're fingering, or is that a separate meter? It's a surcharge. It's a surcharge. I can hear the listeners already thinking,

man, there's talk about being able to swear every 20 minutes on this show, but the episode only goes for four minutes. This is creative. It just cuts out to... Plasticine dog and thanks, mate. Thanks, mate. The noise that plasticine dog makes when you finger it is very odd. Yeah.

Sort of a weird flapping. Anything you use your fingers for, you could be fingering something. Okay. Well, you made a good point. Yeah. I take all of that back. Censorship, man. I don't even remember what I said at the start.

It's the government. It's my protest. That's why I'm not eating any, like, carbohydrates. It's part of my protest. Yeah. Dig it. That makes a lot of sense. Hey, now, I was telling you the story, what, last time about me getting a back injury about my karma.

Oh, of course. You'd be a big fan of karma. I reckon barf rebar. I'm very connected to that. To the earth, which is where karma comes from. Does it really? Yeah, chameleons make it. Oh, karma chameleons.

Yeah, that's where they make that song, actually, because he was a... Was that song a documentary? Yeah, he's an earth priest. Because actually because he was a – Was that song a documentary? Yeah, he's an earth priest because he's an earth – An earth priest. He's an earth priest and that song actually just came – he was dreaming when that song came out of him. Oh, I love that. Okay, look, if this is the first time you listen to this show,

just pause this now, go back. I understand because that's – This is very inaccessible so far. It's very believable because they're putting the culture in culture club there. Yeah. No, weren't all of them earth priests except the drummer? so far. It's very believable because they're putting the culture in culture club there. That's right. Weren't all of them earth priests except the drummer? Yeah, the drummer was more, he was a fire lord. Which is not connected to the earth

because man made that, not ladies. Ladies stay at home. Ladies stayed at home cooking while men went out and made fire creatures. So what was I saying? What was the question? You did your back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm into Carmen here because I did all these. Oh, yeah, that's what I did. I didn't mention it on the show because I did one night I flied for you, Bart. Yeah, which was awesome, by the way. And got heaps of people. You smashed it. It was like, oh, great, because I thought I think there's an immediate link. I don't think there's like a loose link between doing something good

and getting something back in return. I think there was an immediate one. So I was doing all these. Now, let's just readdress this. This is a conclusion that you've reached only now recently at the age of 35. Because of science. Yes. Because of science.

Yeah, because I read it in a book and now I believe it. And I did. So I followed you. You got heaps of people. Yeah, a thousand. I got a thousand people in. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, then I went too far and I did my back.

I did this thing where I picked up all these people's bread and I put it in a van and I couldn't move in my room. You were stealing the bread though, so I don't know why you thought that was karma. I wasn't. I thought you meant flyering. You did your back flyering. Did you do your back? I'm not used to working in hand.

Yeah, with bread. Handing a tiny piece of paper. Was it because you were trying to hide the bread in your little brown hidey cave? Yeah. It would make sense that there were Bart's Flies if they were loaves of bread. Come to my show or toast. Little brown Heidi cave did not go unnoticed either. Vegemite fun times.

So I did my back. So I couldn't move. I was in my bed for a day. And what happened was I was lying in bed and I go to bed with nothing on. So I've got one thin sheet on top of me. I'm in the second floor of our flat. We're on the second floor. So you've got a two-story flat.

No, no. You're pretty rich. No, I don't. Because I don't feel sorry for you at all. And that karma really paid off. The night before, you'd only had a one-story. It grew overnight. It grew overnight out of karma.

I don't feel sorry for Carl at all. I've got a sore back, but I've been fingering everyone. I've got a double-story flat. You can't walk. You can't walk. Why don't you just use your million dollars to walk? Well, I got a sore back from jumping into a pool of coins with Scrooge, my twin brother.

I saw that. That was a documentary, DuckTales as well. Yeah, you don't have a bill. You don't have the bill. Yeah. They actually heated those coins up for me. I don't have the bill. Yeah. They actually heated those coins up. I don't pay my bills because that's why I got so much money. Yay.

You own the bills. You own them. Yeah. So, anyway. The Buffalo bills. I think Tommy's had a little time out over there. Oh, what a mess. So, this is what happened.

I was in my bed with nothing on and whatever, and I saw a ladder go up against my window. This is the start of a porno. Yeah. This is the start of a porno. This is the start of a hot porn. This is what it was. There was a ladder going against my window, and I'm like, oh, that's clearly nothing's going to happen, though. The window symbolizes something that's a part of Carl's body, by the way. Yeah, I think I watched this event live streaming on Beeg.com.

Beeg's a great website. The last thing I heard you say was, and I thought, clearly nothing's going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. You know who it probably was? It's a great website. The last thing I heard you say was, and I thought, clearly nothing's going to happen. That's right. You know who it probably was? It was probably the Beagle Boys coming to steal some of your money. Yes, it was Huey looking for an early inheritance by necking me. With tiny little masks on.

Yeah, exactly. And I knew what he was after because he had this empty bag with a dollar sign on the side. So I was like, this is not, he's not coming over for scones. So anyway, this letter went against the side. So I was like, this is not, he's not coming over for scones. So anyway, this ladder went against the window. I'm like, oh, you know, this can't be this bad. But anyway, then the guy, the guy. This can't be this bad. It can't be as bad as it looks, but it was. The guy actually took the window off.

Took the window off. That's prep for massive fingering. He slides slowly into your room an inch at a time? That is preparation for enormous fingering. Yeah. Yeah, fingering with

his penis. Well, if he was polite, he would have started with a finger bun or two. But he took the window off, right? And then I'm trapped

in my bed. I'm like, well, I can't get out at this stage. I've got nothing on and whatever. I'm like, I'll just sit here and hope for

the best. Did you have a, like, were you on your laptop or something? Yeah, I've got nothing on. I'll just sit here and hope for the best. Did you have a laptop? Yeah, I'm on my laptop and I started updating my Facebook. I started describing what was happening as it was happening. My girlfriend is in the other room on Facebook as well and she's reading it and then going, I might have a look in the bedroom. So she just starts looking in the bedroom at me while it's happening and laughing and going, what's going to happen next?

Then the guy, the window's off, the guy pops his head in the window and goes, oh, yep, how you going in there? And I'm in my bed naked going, pretty good. Half a wreck. So are you pregnant now? No. Oh, okay. That was it.

Like he drew the line at just looking at me naked in bed and then he went back out to painting the windowsill. If he had have yelled into your little wheelie machine, you might have had little window babies. Yeah! Glass child. Yeah. You know, Carl's been on the glass baby.

Yeah. Just looking after my little shards. So is that a good effect of karma or not? I can't tell. Unless you've got some company to brighten up your day. I don't think that was karma because got some company to brighten up your day. I don't think that was karma because there's no real outcome. You hurt your back stealing bread.

Yeah. And then. Are you still. It was like a porno. You know what? It was like a pornographic Les Mis. Yeah. But are you the guy who came in?

Did you keep in contact with him? Are you still friends now? Did you make a friendship out of it? He gave you a $20 brashers voucher. That's where the karma. Oh, brashy. Brashers. Brash's. No, nothing. No, that was it.

That was... I think it was good karma. It must have meant that my girlfriend did something good the day before because she had a great time. Yeah. She did do something good. Karma's really complicated. I think she's been doing something good for six years, putting up with your shit, so was

that finally paying off? Yeah. She's actually been given a Lamborghini. Yeah. Just today. Yeah. Yeah. No, karma's complicated. You've got to go to uni to fully understand it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, karma's complicated.

You've got to go to uni to fully understand it. Yeah. Do some science. Or at least TAFE. Yeah, there was a lot of mathematics in it, like adding up. Or somewhere like Austria or somewhere intellectual. Yeah. Yeah, somewhere like very advanced with trains.

Do you believe in karma, Fleety? Yeah, I do. Yeah? I do. And that's why I'm quite prepared to have a shit life for the rest of what I've got. No, I do. I do believe in karma. And I, well, look, I mean, you know, I don't believe in anything 100%.

So, you know. Except for 100%. Well, I believe in 100% about 95%. Yeah, that's really complicated, see? You need science to fully understand that. It gets weird. No, I do. I believe in karma.

I believe in karma far more than I do believe in a single sort of, you know, dominant figure, Godhead type human. Godhead? Yeah. Godhead type bloke. I think he... Sky bloke, I call him. Sky bloke.

I think Godhead put a ladder up against my window the other morning and broke down, yeah. Popped the window out? I think I... Skyhead. Godfingered by Skyhead. I think I bought a copy of Godhead at Cash Converters the other day for about three bucks. I think I read a worse version called Heaven Blowies. Nice.

Which was... You're on the edge of using that next one. Yeah, I know. I just thought I'd push it. It's not 20 minutes yet, so I'm just... I think you've got about five more to go before you... Skymokes. Yeah.

Treats. Well, here's another one. On the topic of my girlfriend, she gets a little bit of a mention on this show. I'll be down then,

yeah. Hey, yeah, so we're signed up. I don't know if I mentioned this. We're signed up to do a 10K run. You should sign up.

You told me this, yeah. When is it again? Don't do it, but sign up. Yeah, okay, yeah. It's in eight weeks time.

Okay, yeah, I'll get on. It's the age 10K run and me and my girlfriend are doing it. So we started training because they send you out a pack that says, oh, this is what you should do every day. Do this long, run for this long, run this many kilometers and stuff like that. What else is in the pack other than it's just like a pamphlet? Yes.

They give you sweatbands. They give you crystal meth and steroids. A bottle of water you've got to save up for eight weeks. Yeah. It's like vintage water. Yeah, vintage. Yeah, old school. It meth. Yeah. Steroids. A bottle of water you've got to save up for eight weeks. Yeah. It's like vintage water. Yeah, vintage. Yeah, old school. It ages really well.

Yeah. So she's one of these people that goes, yeah, this is going to be a great idea. And then when you get down to the brass tacks of actually training, it's like, oh, no. It's brutal. So, yeah, well, this is a great marriage of how she is and how I am. Don't make the mistake of using the word marriage. Oh, babies. Time to get a third story on that apartment, mate.

Better steal some more finger buns. Better get a bigger ladder for my little mate. Hey, he's going to have to jump in and out a few times. So we're in bed and we go, all right, we've got to get up and train. And she's like, she so doesn't want to do anything. And I'm like, oh, hey, babe, how about if we, do you want to not go for a run this morning? She goes, yeah, if that's all right. I go, too bad, we're going.

Oh. Yeah. Laying down the law like the man. You're like that serious trainer that doesn't have a name on the biggest loser. Yes. That's exactly what I am. That wears like a ghost mask. Yeah.

Yeah. Scream or Loser. Yes. That's exactly what I am. That wears like a ghost mask. Yeah. Yeah. Scream or Biggest Loser. I like the fact that you sort of seduced her into like, you know, a day of leisure and then, you know, do you want to just give her like, no human. Exactly. I'd probably burn a few carbs off her just from that shock. Just for fear.

Yeah. Yeah. You do screamercise. That was like 100 metres right there. That's what you have to do. So screamercise. You just scare. You just scare. Literally scare the shit out of someone.

Scare them so much that their heart rate is... You've got a high metabolism for 48 hours now because you thought you were going to die. We've got a lot of spiders in our house, so I'm pretty thin. There was a scorpion trying to crawl up inside me in my dream, so I've lost 20 kilos. 20 dream kilos, though. Does the scorpion put the ladder up against you

and then open you window up and climb on in? Potentially. I mean, if the scorpion has those kind of skills, it's been to TAFE. There's something wrong with my penis. What is it? Oh, there's a scorpion inside. Because it is my nature.

If you have sex with me, you're going to drop 10 kilos. It would be really bad if it was in Mortal Kombat 2. Every now and then your penis would be like, get over here. Venom cock. The worst sort of cock. God, there's so many different references going on at once. Venom cock. Glass baby has venom cock.

Just gluesen child. Carl, I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm a guest on another show. How are you feeling over there? Melted sand. Yeah, I feel like I've got a story and then it's like, yeah. No, this is over. It's not good enough for the projections. So did you go for the run?

Yeah, yeah, we went for the run. So this is what I'm doing. How far are you running? 5K. 5, okay. No, this is what we're training at. We've got to do 10K at the end. So we're doing 5K at the moment.

But she really needs to be motivated to go. She really needs to be like, to go out there, I'll have to go, no, it'll be great when we come home. We'll have a big breakfast or at the end of the run, we'll feel really good and we'll go out to this great big dinner or we'll go on a holiday. Is she believing that? Yeah, yeah. We'll go on a holiday after that.

Oh, we are. We are. Also, this is coming from the same person who said, hey, do you feel like sleeping? No, you're not. Hey, after this, we have a really big breakfast. No, we can't. Here's your holiday, and it's just a hole you've dug in the backyard. Holiday.

So I downloaded this app. Holiday. There's an application on iTunes that you can download that's like a running application. So you get it and you run. Is it going to be running? No, no. Just a picture of you running and you feel really tired.

It's just pitfall to game. You just watch him jump over cliffs. So we went running and I turned it on. And I've motivated it going, we're going to do this. You're going to get that. We're going to make a big breakfast. We're going to do this when we finish and whatever and uh then i turn on we just start to run and i turn the application and i didn't know and she didn't know that it's got a voice

so we start running and it starts talking but she's in front of me she runs in front of me so all she hears is this voice go it says activity started and i hear that but she doesn't hear it she she turns around and goes and starts running hard and goes, did you just say Tiffany's? Are we going to get Tiffany's? Activity. Activity started. She thought I said Tiffany's.

Someone wants to get married. Someone wants to get engaged. We're going to Bali. We're going to run to Bali. Yeah, at 4Ks it goes, wedding bells. We're going to Bali. Did you say ballas? Yeah. We're going to run to Bali. Yeah, at 4Ks it goes, wedding bells. We go to Bali. Did you say ballas? Yeah.

We're going to get Thai food. Did you say I'm going to be in the next Twilight movie? Yeah. So how do you reckon you'll go, the 10K? How do you reckon you'll... Good. You feeling good? Yeah, yeah.

We ran 5.5K the other day and we were good. It was fine? I used to talk on the show how she used to scream after 2K. She's doing 5.5K easy now. Easy. It's going to be good. 5. fine. I used to talk on the show how she used to scream after like 2K. She's doing 5.5K easy now. Easy. It's going to be good. 5.5K screamer. But that's half of what

you've got to do. Like, you know, you can do that fine but you've got to do double that. We've got eight weeks to go. Double, double, double. Good eight weeks to go.

Maybe I'll get in on it. Yeah, get in on it. It's really good for you to do the health and fitness. It's a scam. It's good karma. It's a scam. Fleet's not so sure.

Fleet reckons it's a scam. It's a scam. It's good karma. It's a scam. Fleet's not so sure. Fleet reckons it's a scam. It's a scam. Get in on it. How do they scam you? Because they say run and you start running and you lose all this stuff and you lose confidence and your girlfriend leaves you and then you get a dog and you think you're happy but you know you're not. So that's what happened.

That's what happened to you. You ran. Right now, I'm looking at it. I thought that was me. It's a before and after right now of Carl and Greg. Actually, did you used to be Steve Monaghetti? Yes, I did. And then his hair fell out and my hair fell out.

Coincidence or something more sinister? And you ran from Ballarat to St Kilda and that's where you live now. I get it. And I wrote that song and it was going to be a really big hit. And then Paul Kelly ripped me off of it. From Ballarat to St Kilda, it's 14 hours on a bus, which was technically not true. Yeah, that wasn't running.

That's a long, that's a big bus trip. It's a long bus. You keep going past the city and then going out. Yeah, if the bus was walking, it'd be 14 hours. Yeah, if you had a Flintstones bus, you had your feet down the bottom maybe. No wonder, that's why you've got the funny stone claw feet. Yeah, that's why they used to call me,

what are those dudes on stone buildings? Gargoyle. That's a terrible nickname. They called me the Gargoyle. They called you the White Gargoyle. That's also one of those things like the dirty sand sheds. Yeah, it's a type of garlic as well. And that's why you've got a baby saber-toothed tiger running on a wheel,

powering your microphone at the moment. That's true. I didn't think you'd notice that. You are on fire. Only in Romania. As Chandler would say, one of his catchphrases. Classic me. I tried getting you a nickname for a while.

It didn't work. I wanted everyone to call you Bing. Oh, no. It's too obtuse. I don't even understand it because it's like you do a lot of search engine work with Microsoft. That's so true. I do a lot of... But you're more of an events like social engine than an actual search engine because you're not as good.

I do a lot of letting people know when their microwave meals are ready. Yeah. That's how I got that name. Yeah. I'm an events coordinator. That's my real job. Really? No. Good improv. No blocking.

You blocked yourself. Oh, no. Cock block. Your real job, you're a human rights lawyer. You're just actually leading a double life. Helping Africans. Imagine if we hadn't have waited three hours for a double life. Helping Africans. Imagine if we hadn't have waited three hours for this, Tommy. That's true. Hey, Bart,

your 20 minutes is up. You're out of the naughty corner, just to let you know. Whenever you want, I'll flip your back in. Oh, man. I was excited for you. It's like a game show. Naughty corner swear haul. It's like a swearing family feud. What are you going to do as number one on the board

Yeah he just goes I don't know why he did it but About five minutes ago He just slid it across the table And pointed it at her And it's just the At that point it was just from her nose up Of her head disappeared and just went

Yeah You've gone a bit Australian version of the movie Seven there. You're just starting scratching out people's faces in the Herald Sun. For the listener, Fleet has a newspaper in front of him that he's been defacing and ripping up for the whole show. MX Rage. Natalie Grzywinski or whatever her name is. Oh, it's just women's faces.

Who is Grzywinski? I don't know. How about this? There's a woman at the top who's very, very pretty and I'm not going to hack her face up with this in a photograph. I'm going to wait until I meet her for real. Oh. You know how there's like the Zodiac Killer? Fleet's going to be like the Fred Bassett killer.

No, the confidential killer. Any socialite is dead. Like Bryn Edelston, you might as well write your will now, I think. And I leave copies of Fred Bassett or Hagar or something on the body. Yeah, you leave snake tails just to try to frame souls. Oh, frame the snake. Frame the snake. Who do you reckon gets mentioned more on this show, your girlfriend or souls, the guy who

does snake tails? Why does he get mentioned all the time? I'm a little bit fascinated with snake tails because it's just the worst cartoon strip of all time, but it's been in the paper for 30 years. Well, they reckon if you get one of those in, you get set up for life because it's every day. I don't know how much it pays a day, but basically if you had one of those in for four or five years, you're set for life.

And they're all aiming to get that. It's this sort of weird thing with cartoonists where you go, apparently Souls is dying or whatever, and they're like, oh, that's terrible. Awesome. It means there'll be an opening. It's so hard to get an opening. For old Lenny the Talking Lizard, it's his time to shine, isn't it? Yeah, because the Herald Sun hasn't changed their comics page

in like the whole time I can remember. Yeah. It's like what you used to say about the Australian cricket team. It's harder to get out than it is to get in. So it's like Garfield's going, so it's harder to get out than it is to get in. So it's like, oh, like Garfield's going, so it's time for Simon the faggot ghost rapist. Oh, there it is. Ghost rapist.

Yeah, to move on. You didn't know ghosts could say that. Simon the faggot ghost rapist. By the way, you're back. You're back in there. We'll give you one right at the end of the show. I wanted to make that a good one. The fact that you just used the same word twice as well. Yeah, so is that it? Am I done? No, we'll give you one right at the end of the show. I wanted to make that a good one. The fact that you just used the same word twice as well.

Yeah, so is that it? Am I done? No, we'll give you one right at the end. Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it. It's Ivor Davies from Ice House's birthday and also it's Morrissey's birthday. Why is that dog shaped like a hot dog?

Because it's jealous of me being the yellow dog in the Home Hardware. Yellow dog. Flady's finding this podcast very interesting by playing with a hole puncher and the Herald Sun today. Yeah. Look at those wacky ferrets. There's this weird thing here. These are like retired greyhounds that kind of get put down unless you adopt them.

So you get to adopt a greyhound because they're all retired racing ones. And I remember where I went to school in Geelong. I was on Geelong on the kind of bay there and uh we used to find greyhounds skinned and uh what when the greyhound's born they get who's wearing greyhound they get identification they get these tattoos on their ears and somewhere else because uh you know to then when they stop racing a lot of people go i don't want to keep feeding this thing or looking after it so they kill them and they have to remove all the identification. It's like cutting off your fingerprints

or something. The first time I saw one, I was going, what the hell is that? It's like an alien baby. And there's hundreds of them down there on the beach. And they race them. They race without the skins. They're way quicker without the skins. Skinless greyhound racing, it's a top

sport. Yeah, it's less racist. Didn't Cathy Freeman wear one of those greyhound suits in the Olympics? I thought they were quicker. That's how she won. She was the most racist gold medalist. Racist against other racing things? Other racing. So she hated the 800 metres so much.

She hated greyhound races. And greyhound races. She even hated high jumpers. I used to see her kicking horses. Oh, yeah, yeah. She wore a far lap in another race. What do they call it? Horse boot.

Yeah. Horse boot. That's horse and boot. That's horse boot. That's horse and boot, that's angry races. Oh, yeah, the fury of the races. Yeah, so it took her a long time to find a green gold greyhound to make the... She had to get a greyhound really rich and then make it really sick.

A lot of breeding. She nearly had to change nationalities just because she didn't have any green and gold greyhound skins. Yeah, she almost... She had to race for Russia. She had a red one. And yeah, she was almost a Russian gold medal winner. Russians love medals. So you're from Geelong originally, Fleety?

I'm originally from America. Oh, yeah, yeah. But you went to school in Geelong? Did Fred Bassett just bite you or was that a greyhound? No, it was a greyhound. Yeah. He's a ghost greyhound. It's time for Simon.

No, I didn't. I went to school in Geelong. Yeah, in Geelong. In G-Troit, as a friend of mine calls it. G-Troit. Oh, yeah, because it's a motor town, isn't it? Yeah, well, it is. That's weird, because that's why we moved there.

We moved from Detroit to G-Troit. Oh, really? Because my father worked for Ford. Oh, so he's all about the motor vehicles. Yeah. He was all about the cars and all about having sex with all my mum's friends. Right, who were actually... Sweet combo.

Who were actually greyhounds. Yeah, and in fact, one of them was green and gold, and it disappeared. Yeah, right. And Geelong is well known for its motorcars and its people sleeping with other people's wives. Yes. Is that still the number one, number two industry down there? It's hard to know which is number one, though.

They're one and two, for sure. But it was... Since the Japanese started doing both of it better. Yeah. Oh, they're really good. Yeah. They're really good. They're very excellent at having sex with inappropriate people. Yeah.

And cherry trees. Yes. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, big time. Yeah. So did you go to high school? Do you have an education? I went to college down there in Geelong.

I went to Geelong grammar school with Prince Charles with Charlie we hung out we used to pull cones although he was

into did you used to skin corgis together yeah we skinned greyhounds and corgis but he was into crystal meth

which I couldn't handle he listens to the show so I'd be a little bit careful this is true Prince Charles was into crystal meth and we would go He listens to the show, so I'd be a little bit careful. I know, but it's true. This is true. Prince Charles is into Chris LeMeth.

And we would go down there to the bike shed to smoke some pot or whatever, and he'd be on the glass barbie, you know, just fired up. Come on, boys. Get the spiders off me mate's face. The glass barbie, is that a term for Chris LeMeth, or is that a sex position? The glass pipe. Yeah, no. They call it the glass barbie. The glass barbie sounds like it could also be a sex position.

Yeah, yeah. It could be a very brutal sex toy as well. Brittle Edelson. Only she can do it. It's actually a scale reproduction of Brittle Edelson made out of glass. Yeah. And you put it inside yourself as a sex toy. And someone has to roll you down a hill.

And Dr. Edelson has to put it inside you. You roll down a hill and it doesn't break your orgasm. Yes. If it does break, you'll weep. You'll weep tears of blood. You get to go to hospital and eat food for two weeks. And meet the doc again. Blood tears!

That's how karma works. That's karma. That is insane. Sex karma. I think that whole experience is up for sale at the moment on Scoop.com if you want to get in on it. Catch of the day. Yeah. Catch of the day. Yeah.

Catch of the day. My age is playing up from this laughing this much. Every time I laugh this much, it's like it flares up. Yeah. Humorades. Sweating out of your nostrils. I know. Hey, um.

Geelong. I wanted to talk about Geelong. Okay. Do you reckon there's any chance of getting there? Yeah. Probably going to be quicker to drive to Geelong than to get any information about it at this point. No, I went to Geelong Grammar and grew up in Ocean Grove, Newtown, Barwon Heads, Torquay.

Oh, you're a real skag head. I'm a surfer. Point break. That was about you. On my form, they got it wrong and they wrote skag head and my whole life got sidetracked from that moment on. Yeah, it changed it. They changed your destiny. but it was weird being being at boarding school and then coming back to

like places like torquay every holidays all the locals because they're really proprietal about the surfing they used to you know treat me like a uh like an outsider oh yeah yeah i was an outsider you weren't allowed to get on their ways everywhere i went i was an outsider man yeah yeah no waves no waves for the fleet, man. Now, you know how that green and gold greyhound felt? Yeah, man. He was outside her. Yeah, he was.

Rending Cathy for him. Is that what you meant? No. I just made that up. It was weird because he always wanted to win a race, that greyhound. He did. And in the end, ironically, he won big time. Yeah, he won the race war.

Yes, sir. Was it a Christian school that you went to? Was it a normal school? Well, technically it's Church of England, but it was pretty normal. Like Jesus didn't matter? Yeah, not really. We had an amazing church. It had a beautiful cathedral on the school grounds.

And, you know, it didn't get used very often. But I think we all had to go to chapel once a week or something like that. Chapel Street. It wasn't like that. Yeah, you had to get put on nice clothes and swan around. Do laps in the Popemobile. Yeah, get your fantail out. But it wasn't like a Catholic school where it's more serious.

It was pretty, the religion part was pretty non-existent. I, in fact, in HSC, I did biblical studies as a subject, as a crime, as a joke, sort of, to show off. But it's a funny thing to ruin your education. But I topped the school. Really? Because I was the only person doing it who wasn't religious. And there was only about 10 people who did it out of, you know, a few hundred. About 10 people did it as a subject.

And because I treated it like a history, you know, just went, you know, and, you know, could talk about allegory and myth and stuff, you know, and other people would just go, yeah, he actually walked on the water because he's God, you know, and it was like, no, no, you know. But he was good, yeah. I loved that. I topped, I got the top mark in the school with like 68%. Yeah.

I think that's a very, that's a strong statement towards biblical studies there. Yeah. Because you can never beat God. No. He'll get 100%. You never clock. It's because you can never beat God. He'll get 100%. You never clock God. You can't beat him. I love being able to say I got the best mark in Geelong Grammar School for that subject. People walk away thinking it must have been like 99.8%.

No, it's 68. High C. What did Prince Charles get? He was funny because he just wrote on his exam paper, he just wrote, Who cares? I'm bigger than God. I'm better than God. I'm Prince Charles.

He stabbed the Bible in the neck. Yeah, he did. Yeah, with a spoon. Yeah. A sharpened spoon. That's pretty good. What about that girl recently who is trying to sue Geelong Grammy because she went there and she didn't get into law at uni?

Didn't get into law. Oh, man. Have you ever thought about doing that? Is there anything you haven't done that you'd like to have done? Because if she wins that case, it's going to open the floodgates. You can go back and you can have a crack. What do you want to blame your long grammar for? I had a teacher who was convinced that I was taking and using

and selling heroin at school, and he came into our study. Is that because you sold them heroin? I didn't even know what heroin was. I could sue the school and say that he planted that in my head. He planted the heroin on you five years later. He came into our study and chopped up things. He chopped an extension cord in half with an axe so he could look down it to see if there were drugs hidden inside.

What? Was this back when extension cords were pipes that held water? He chopped that looking for drugs. He did all this stuff looking for drugs around our study. He sure just wasn't chasing. A few years later. Did he always have an axe on him? He went to jail for touching children in areas

that aren't meant to be touched by a man. Maybe he was just looking for drugs. He probably was. Down the eye of the storm. That's where a lot of good heroin is, I've heard, is in young children. In young children's bits. They all say sex is like a drug.

Love is a drug. He was looking for drugs in children. It makes complete sense to me. In young children's bits. They all say sex is like a drug. Yeah. Love is a drug. He's looking for drugs in children. It makes complete sense to me. It's a battlefield drug. He went to Pat Benatar prison. Right. Love is a cattle field. He's a cattle field.

Love is a cattle field. Yeah, lots of hamburgers. Yeah, Pat Benatar. He got jail, jail, naughty jail. Pat Benatar does have a ranch in Texas. Is that where he went? I think so. Yeah.

He either went to Pat Benatar's ranch in Texas or to prison. I'm not sure which. People get those mixed up. It's really complicated, the legal system. What about you, Bart? Where did you go to school? I went to St. Joseph's College in Toowoomba. In Toowoomba?

Yeah, it was like a very, it was pretty religious, actually. Was it Catholic? Yeah, Catholic co-ed very, it was pretty religious, actually. Was it Catholic? Yeah, Catholic co-ed school. Co-ed's good, though. Yeah, co-ed. Heaps of girls were there, about half. Right. And that's like 40 years ago.

I can barely remember what even happened. Everyone was still evolving out of fishes and monkeys. Oh, really? Yeah, it was complicated. So there was a lot of... And loaves of bread. Yeah, biology was easy because you'd just point at the class and be like, there you go.

History was easy because you were part of it. Yeah, you were part of it. You were just like writing a diary. Yeah. Like I remember year 10, fire came in and that changed a lot of stuff. So talk us through what was the Womba like back in, what you were saying 40 years ago, 1973 when you were a young lad at high school. Talk us through what was the Womba like back in, what are you saying, 40 years ago, 1973, when you were a young lad at high school. Talk us through it.

Houses were worth about $20 each. So everyone had about 25, 26 houses each. Wow. You'd try to use them all. You'd connect them up or stack them on top of each other. You'd just have to hope they were in the same street. If you had a hotel, if you had four of them, you'd swap it for a hotel. Yeah, you'd get a big red plastic house.

That's how I got my two-story house. Just stack them on top of each other. Yeah, and there was free bread. Lots of people drove fast cars because there were no roads. So you had to make the roads with the cars. Awesome. That sort of chicken or egg thing. Yeah.

That's how the Romans did it. What came first, the car or the road? Yeah, it's very complicated. I would probably say the road. Man, you don't know. I know, I don't know. You don't know. That's what I mean.

But that's what I mean. Don't talk about it like that. That's why you only got 73%. You're insulting my people. Oh, my people. Did you go to Catholic Christian school, Tommy? You got kicked out of a school, didn't you? I did, yeah.

You got expelled. No, I got asked to leave. You got asked to leave. Why? This isn't me trying to get out of town. It is such a boring story. Someone actually asked me the other night and I gave them so many warnings and said, man, seriously, this will be the worst story you've ever heard.

No, no, no, I'm really interested. I want to hear. And then I told them, and there's no short version. Like it took 20 minutes and they went, wow, that was the least interesting thing I've ever heard in my life. And I went, well. That adds mystery to it. I'll take your word for it though.

I like it. That's more mysterious. I believe you. Yeah. it, you saying that. I'll take your word for it, though. I like it. That's more mysterious. I believe you. Yeah. You know what? Because in Mirabai, we had like three schools. It was like two normal schools and then one Catholic Christian school, whatever it was. And did you ever have to do this?

Like when you went between primary and secondary school, did your parents just go, okay, you're going to that next school? Or did you make a choice? No, we just went. We just went. Someone, you're going to that next school? Or did you make a choice? No, we just went. We just went. Someone told you to go? The school I went to, you had to be signed up when you were born back then. Yeah, as a waiting list.

So I was always like, no, in year seven, I'm going to go to this school. Oh, we were sent around. We got to grade six or whatever, and it's like, okay, you're going to get to choose. You're 11, but you get to choose where you go to. And so we got sent around to all the secondary schools in town, and then they would sort of put on a show to go, hey, look at how good this was. Yeah, well, because I moved schools in year 11 and I got to do that.

I had to go around to a bunch of different ones. And that was weird being I was like 17, 16 at the time. And that's weird because you're walking around while other kids are on lunch. And I remember when that would happen at my old school. You'd see some kid in casual clothes with the principal and his parents saying, some div thinks he's going to come here. So I had to do that at a bunch of schools and it was awful. It was really, and they bring you into a class when there's a class going on.

That's the worst. And you're going, I don't want to go here now because what do these people remember me? And they go, ha ha, yeah. You're the weirdo that came in in his bloody Animaniacs t-shirt with your mum and dad. They just scream fresh meat at you. There's a toilet in the classroom and they flush your head in the middle of class. So unfair.

So this is what we did. We got sent around to all the different secondary schools. There's the high school, the tech school, and the CCC, the Christian Community College. Tech school. That sounds the most advanced one. Technical school. CCT, CCTV CCC, the Christian Community College. The tech school. That sounds the most advanced one. Technical school. CCT, CCTV. No, not CCTV school.

So no one's actually there. It's just all cameras everywhere. Yeah, that's it. And then speakers just go, no, move over there. Stay there. Stay. You didn't get a certificate at the end. You just got grainy footage of yourself for six years.

Awesome. That's a documentary. That's all seminal. So we went to the high school, the tech school, and you just did normal classes and they showed you the library. And I was like a big reader back then, so you'd see these massive libraries and you'd go, oh, my God, this is awesome.

And you'd go to the tech school. What kind of snake tails collections did they have? No, there was a lot of asterisks. Oh, man. Those crazy French. Asterisks, you never get around. Was it a cartoon? Like, was it fun or was it educational?

Because it was from another country, they kind of foisted it into the educational. I wasn't a fan of Tintin for that reason. There wasn't enough jokes in it. I was like, don't try and trick me with some drama crap. Yeah. Listen, Hirsch. Yeah. I like Asterix because there's a big fat guy in there.

I know that's fun. Yeah. He's really strong. I don't know. And he was dipped in the stuff as a kid. Fell in as a kid so he never had to drink anymore. It's a cautionary tale for steroids. I do, yeah. Sweet combo.

I do have a bit against Asterix because in year seven, there was a book reading competition and I was beaten by someone who put in 50 Asterix books. And I was like, they are not books. They are comic strip. They are comic strip. They are comic strip. Yeah. No, I had the reverse thing.

We would have reading at school. Like, you'd have to do 10 minutes of reading after lunch. And I would get in trouble because I'd try and read, like, graphic novels and comics and stuff and I'd get in. So what is the reverse thing? Let's see. What's the difference between a graphic novel and a comic these days, though? A graphic novel is thicker.

It's like a few comics taped together. Comics are like, you know, the 30-page, like, monthly thing. I think a graphic novel is like, you's like a few comics taped together. Comics are like the 30-page monthly thing. I think a graphic novel is like the thickness of a book. It's the biggest self-contained. It's like all those 30-page ones combined. It's like watching a boxed set of DVDs of the first season. Yeah, so it's a volume thing. Hey, let's talk about some...

Hang on, hang on. I'll just finish what I was going to say about this. We got brought around to all the schools. So high school, tech school. High school, tech school is just like normal. Technology school. Just normal. When we went to CCC, the Christian college,

they went, instead of like highlighting that you're going to be half your day reading about God and stuff like that, they went, all right, you have a little sampler of all the subjects that you go through. So we went to English. We went, right, sit here for English. This is your English class for an hour. We watched a full episode of Knight Rider, and then that was it.

We just watched Knight Rider, and then went, anyway, on to your next class. So we went to the next class. It was Home Echo. We got in there. They had full pizzas in boxes that they just brought in. We go, well, this is food, isn't it? You'll be dealing with food, but at the moment you'll be eating it. So there you go.

Then we went and did PE, and they just rigged up a flying fox. You can just go down the flying fox for an hour. So every class we went to was just amazing. Is that the school you ended up going to? No. Because it feels like even just that day has prepared you for your current life of being unemployed and watching digital TV. That's what I was going to say.

If they'd got you into that school, that would have changed dramatically. Yeah, well that's exactly like... He's back to digging holes. Yeah, making statues of Christ. Yeah, instead of watching Knight Rider, they're fingering you. All the showbiz is gone. You had to make statues of Christ out of tears

and human cum mixed together. I'm back in the corner. I'm back. That's how they're all made. Is that a swear? Did he do a swear there? I don't know. Does that count? It's kind of a biblical swear.

I'm happy to be in the corner. You just want to be in the corner. Some people did take that up and went there, and then literally it was exactly like you said. They did that, and then you come back. Kids that are that dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just thinking they're going to watch TV and eat pizza every day.

And a month into the school year, you'd get this influx of people to the high school going, yeah. They didn't play any more A-team episodes. After six months, we had to just have Capriccio sort of Hawaiian and I thought, I'm leaving. We couldn't even have a super supreme either. Yeah, well, I got there and people were, just when they started, the people that had been in year

eight or whatever, you know that they only rig up the Flying Fox one day a year, don't you? It was literally... Listen, listen, I've only got a short amount of time. Don't come here. Henderson, I've got to go, I've got to go. I like the idea that they broke it down into a pie chart or something

and just went, okay, well, we get 35 people via the Flying Fox every year. We get 15 people via TV One. Foxy. Foxy reels them in. We put on Airwolf and that'll get in like 15 people. Man, that's funny. I can't believe you weren't sucking in by it, though. I would have been. Yeah though. I don't know.

It would have been. Yeah, but I don't know. Even at 11, you're smart enough to go, come on. Because I had that a bit. The schools that looked more fun, you sort of went, this won't be as good. Well, you know what? This will not be the good one to go to. If all of my mates had have chosen,

if I'd have had idiot mates and they all had have gone there, it would have swayed you a bit more. Oh, yeah. Because you want to be with your mate. Yeah, you want to hang out with your buddies. Yeah. I got to choose the school I went to in year 11, and it's because I chose that school that I ended up doing comedy.

I don't know if I would be doing comedy had I not gone to the school. What school was that? Kerry. Comedy school? Comedy school, yes. The school of hard laughs. Clown school. Kerry in the big drama department.

Kerry in the big drama department, and I met my friend Drew who dared me to do stand-up, and that's why I started doing it. I had like no real... That's Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore, yeah. She was really instrumental in setting me on the path I'm on now. She got rid of Tom Green.

Yeah, and we still couldn't get Tom Green on the show when he was here. What the hell, man? Why not? I could have got him on for you. Oh, really? He would have done anything I said. Really? Yeah, and I was hanging out with him.

He was a good guy and he would have done it. He really liked it. He was always booked in and then he cancelled on us at the last minute. I was going to say... You should have hit me. No, he rang up and said... I think I out with him. He was a good guy. And he would have done it. He really liked it. He was always booked in and then he cancelled on us at the last minute. I was going to say. You should have hit me. No, no. He rang up and said. I think I actually told him.

I think he actually asked me about this. And I said, yeah, it's awesome. And he was like, the last I heard he was going to do it. Yeah, well, he did. And then he cancelled. We got a message saying, oh, Tom's really sick. And then we were on Twitter. And at the same time, it's like, it comes up tweets.

Tom Green is at ABC Studios doing a 774 and Triple J this morning. And it's like, yeah, you sound like you're in the sick bed of fucking. Yeah. Taxpayer paid for seven cents a day. Sick bed. Yeah. Sick bed of joy. Let me tell this story that I don't know if this is going to be.

This might go off the rails. So if we could all keep in mind. You can have my last swear. Probably going I mean. You can have my last swear. Probably going to be the best. It's probably going to be the most usable thing. So this happened over the weekend. I live with a couple who are from New Zealand. And over the weekend, the girl and the couple, her mum and brother,

were over visiting. And the brother is, what's the PC term? Mentally disabled. Right. Handicapped. Brain spurt. Yeah. Okay. So he's, so Sunday I guess they were flying home on Sunday

night, so they've had to check out of their hotel early on Sunday. So they spent, sort of, I get up on Sunday morning and the mum and the brother are in our house, in our lounge room, and then they all went out for the day and my girlfriend was still asleep because she'd had a big night and I sort of thought, oh this is great, because you know when you live in a share house,

your moments that you get completely alone where you've got the land room to yourself are rare, you know, and you've got to take full advantage. I'm like, this is great. You know, I've got a day off. I'm going to cook myself a pasta for lunch, and I'm going to put on a movie. I'm like, I'll put on Tropic Thunder. It's been ages since I watched Tropic Thunder. Oh, I can see where this is going. That is truly a sweet thing, though, when you've got the time,

and you've got the thing, and you go, I'm going to make some food that I love and watch a movie or a DVD. It was great. I've been pretty busy lately. I think I've picked the Easter egg that's been planted already. That is awesome. I'm ready. I'm ready for this. So I put Tropic Thunder on.

I'm enjoying it. It's really good. Fifteen minutes later, housemate and the mum and the brother come home. And I go, oh, well, I thought they were going to be out for the day. Bino, what do you do? That's just one of the pitfalls of being in a share house. You know what? I've just got to cop this.

I sit there. Second reference for pitfall today. They're all gathered around the living room. We're all watching the film together. And then it gets up to a certain point in the movie. You guys have clocked this. I don't know if you've seen the movie, Greg. The listeners who have seen the movie Tropic Thunder will know there's a bit

where the Ben Stiller character is talking about a movie he's done where he's pretended to be a mentally handicapped person. He was dead the whole time. He was dead the whole time and he didn't know it. So that's coming up with my housemates mentally handicapped brother in the room

and I'd forgotten this bit was even in the movie because it's been a while since I've watched it and I feel like there's a silence in the room and I kind of feel like, even though I get really self-conscious, is this funny? Are these jokes crossing the line? It's like watching boobs with your mum in the room.

Yeah, but it sort of felt like even though it was something that was happening on a movie, it felt like I may as well have been making the jokes because I've put the movie on. And I'm big at projecting. You've programmed it. And I'm big at projecting. You've curated the entertainment. Yeah.

I'm a big one for projecting other people's negativity about me onto them. So I'm sitting there going, the mum's sitting there going, this awful little guy, he knew this was on, he knew this was going to rah, rah, rah. So the room's silent. It's getting really, you know, there's all the lines of Robert Downey Jr.'s character going, you never go full retard and all that stuff's happening. And it's dead silence. And then from the corner of the room in the peak of this conversation through the silence,

the brother farts and then laughs uncontrollably. And I had to get up and leave the room and go and wake my girlfriend up and go, too much is going on here. I've got to tell you everything that just happened. That proves that it's fine. I mean, it was a good save by him. It was good to bail me out. He literally broke the silence.

If it doesn't bother the person who is in question, why should it bother anyone else? Yeah, well, yeah. Why should it be, you know? I kept shutting my eyes and picturing that scenario and just going, oh, ouch. It was literally, audio-wise, this is what it was. Don't you know you never go full retard? And then me going, oh, I'm going to get a drink and getting up and leaving the room.

You know who went full retard and did really well out of it? It was Leonardo da Vinci. No, Leonardo da... Yeah, DiCaprio. DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Yeah. Was he? Yeah, he went full...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He tarted it up. He tarted it hard. It was an awesome movie. He did really... It was a great performance. He was.

He got Best Supporting Actor. I just get nominated. I think he won a boat. They gave him a free boat out of it. He won the boat. Yeah, the boat. The only boat that exists. They call it the spaz boat, don't they?

Yeah. No, they do. That's what they call it. It's nothing to do with me. Because each year... Do we need a separate corner for disabled people references in this episode? Bart's hit another 20 minutes, by the way, so you've got one ready. I'm giving it to Tommy.

But this will be your last one for the episode, so make... Maybe save it for the last word of the episode. Yeah, okay, sure. I'd like to use it for the words pootie claw. Can I? Can that be my last swear? Too late. Pootie claw?

No, I'm going to allow pootie claw we get on a G rating. Pootie, pootie, claw, claw. Yeah, for sure. That's very insulting to some Sri Lankans. Hey, before we have to get out of here, let's do a bit of mailbag. It's been a little while since we've had mailbag on the show. We love getting mail, guys. That's really sexist, guys.

A couple here from Melody Rain. Hey, mates, I have a reputation in my group of friends for being a total bitch simply because I hang shit on my friends all the time. They don't seem to realise that it is obviously a sign of affection as I am always polite to randoms. Carl Chandler makes me feel okay about being mean to my friends. He's an inspiration to bitches and jerks the world over. Carl Chandler, ladies and gentlemen.

Carl Chandler doing a good deed. I'm going to clap me. That's good karma. That's more karma right there. Bitch face Chandler. You know what? I'm going to clap me. That's good karma. That's more karma right there. Good karma. Bitch face Chandler. You know what? I'm going to climb a ladder and hop into her window. Chandler was clapping and excited when she started saying,

you know, I'm really happy to, you know, this guy inspires me to be a fucking horrible person. Chandler starts clapping. Yeah, awesome. It's okay to be mean. Here we go. Another one. Andrew Van Lewin. Andrew Van Leeuwen.

Andrew Van Leeuwen. Foreigner. We were putting the call out for our international listeners. He played bass in Paris. Yes. Very interested to hear about the overseas listeners. Out of interest, how many are there in Germany? Seven.

I live in Mainz near Frankfurt and listen every week. It actually keeps the homesickness at bay. Just the other day, my wife and I were talking about the time that we went to see Carl Chandler play in a broom closet during the Melbourne Comedy Festival last year. It wasn't a show, I was just playing with a mop. We were the only people under the age of 60 in this tiny room, which was bizarre given that the show was about Twitter. Needless to say, a lot of his jokes didn't land on the oldies.

Actually, no, you know what? That last show I did have a lot of old people come to the show and I couldn't figure it out. I wonder what that is. Learn about technology. It's like a show about Twitter. Okay, well, no one can come in under the age of 52. Yeah, maybe someone came, maybe someone was in that show.

Chandler's always got an excuse as to why he's stiff. Twitter was a sex craze back in the 50s. Yeah, it was like the jitterbug. Yeah, it was. It was a Twitter bug. It was a dance. Twitter bug. You'd spin your partner around and interfere with them against their will

as they were spinning. You'd use, there'd be an old steam locomotive, like a small miniature version that you'd mix up with their genitals. Yep. And another one, again, like I said, we put out the call for international listeners. Hello, lads. So did that last person fly in from Hamburg, from Frankfurt, to see the show, probably? I get the feeling that they're in Australian living.

I'll assume yes. Okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah, he flew in to see you and then flew back. It's an actual Frankfurter sausage that came to see the show, probably. I get the feeling that they're in Australian living. I'll assume yes. Okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah, he flew in to see you and then flew back. It's an actual Frankfurter sausage that came to see you. Well spent. Okay, we've got another international listener here. I probably did them two for one. Rubia Santos.

Hello, lads. I'm a 19-year-old Brazilian girl who moved to London at the age of five and has been studying in Salzburg for nearly a year now. So today I send greetings from my beautiful hometown of Rio de Janeiro. Oh, yeah. The dum-dums have got a Brazilian. Reno, Reno de Gineiro. Anyone listening from Reno de Gineiro, can you give us a call?

Get right in. It's the land of the giant stone Jesus. Yes. He owns that town. Is that who wrote the letter? Giant stone Jesus. Giant stone Jesus. If you are stone Jesus. Yeah, at giant stone Jesus. Yes. He owns that town. Is that who wrote the letter? Giant stone Jesus. Giant stone Jesus. If you are stone Jesus.

Yeah, at giant stone Jesus on Twitter. Yeah. His younger brother has a place in Indonesia. What's the islands that we were having? Easter Islands. Chinskies. No, the Australian military was there. I went up there and did gigs.

Chindog Islands. No, we were in a war there with Indonesia. Yeah, Bali. East Timor. Yeah, Bali. East Timor. East Timor's got little stone Jesus there. Yeah.

It's like big stone Jesus' brother. Isn't that Buddha? Any size stone Jesus that wants to write in, please do. Yeah. LittleDumbDumbClub at Gmail. Yep. Dot com. You've got to put the dot com.

People don't get the dot com and they just swear at the computer and get so angry. That's so important. Because the internet's only been around for a few days. It wasn't around 40 years ago when you were at school. Yeah, well, lots of things have changed. We've got roads now. Any more in the mailbag? No, that's it. That's it in the mailbag for now.

What did we have? An email? We did have a good email. Let's save it. Okay, sure, sure. Well, guys, I think that does bring us to the end of the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much, Bart Freebar and Greg Fleet. Love yous. Have we got news? We've got news.

News are the best. We've got news, but I don't know if we're going to get it out. What if I turn both their microphones off? Maybe if I turn both their microphones off, we can do our news. Don't do it. I'll yell louder. I'm awesome. Fucking yes!

I'm awesome.'m awesome we are thank you guys thanks a lot you guys are great thanks very much for joining us guys quick dum dum news we have

we are doing a live episode in Sydney exclusive live episode in Sydney first ever outside of Melbourne live show

July 8th yeah at the comedy store at the Sydney comedy store we're also going to be doing stand up gigs for the. July 8th. Yeah, at the Comedy Store. At the Sydney Comedy Store. We're also going to be doing stand-up gigs for the few days before that. Have a look at the Comedy Store website or have a look at our Facebook and Twitter to find the details to get tickets. We've also still got the t-shirts for sale. littledumdumclub at gmail.com if you would like one.

Our live episodes are up now. the littledumdumclub.bandcamp.com. You can download those shows from the Melbourne Comedy Festival with Andrew O'Keefe, Tony Martin and heaps of other great guests. Bart and Greg, you guys got anything coming up that you'd like to plug? Follow these guys on Twitter, BartLol, at BartLol and at TheGregFleet. Yes, indeed. And nothing in particular to say other than...

You got your DVD tie-dyes in the shops? Yes, that is. It's in the shops. And I've also got it at gigs if anyone wants to come to a gig and relieve me of one. I've got one on me right now, which I me right now. If you can get in really quickly. I could give it to you to give away in some competition or something. We could do that. Yeah, for sure.

If you want it for some dumb-dumb fundraiser or something. Okay, Bart, your final swear for the episode. I yelled the F word really loud while you were talking. I'm going to grant you one bonus one just to send a sign-off. Maybe at the end of after we sign off. Okay, great. You can have the final word. Guys, thank you very much for listening.

Hit us up on Facebook and Twitter, and we will see you next time. See you, mates. Winkle slut.