The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 88 - Mel Buttle

Episode Date: May 28, 2012

High Fives, Colonic Irrigations and Gay Icons. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, mates, just reminding you again that our live episodes from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival are still up, thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. Head over there and you can find them all. Thanks to everyone who's been getting them and listening to them and enjoying them so far. If you're still on the fence wondering whether it's worth your time and effort, here is a little sample for you to maybe push you

over the fence. I'll never name drop again, I promise. Can I just say how... I did get me a threesome though, so... Can I say how weird it is? Sitting here, because of the stage lights, I can't see McGregor in the crowd. I can just hear his disembodied voice.

It's like some version of a space odyssey. I wouldn't do that, Tommy. Wouldn't that be disconcerting if the robot, the computer on your spaceship was Luke McGregor in the space? I'm right here. Oh, sorry. Still here.

Can you please close the cabin doors, please? Yeah, sorry. Will you close the cabin doors and will you go out with me? Well, it's you guys going to be like that, sorry. Will you close the cabin doors and will you go out with me? Well, it's you guys going to be like that, obviously. I wonder how long the range on that thing is. No, don't come into the show. It's really shit.

I think Carl just shat himself and Tommy is dead. And we're back. That was very funny, that bit. We haven't, I don't know what bit it is. We haven't worked out what bit we're going to put in. But I'm sure it was great because they're all great. Yeah. Tommy's going to put that in later.

So I hope he hasn't stitched me up by putting a not funny thing. And then I laughed at that and looked like an idiot. But it was all good. I remember every second of every episode being great. Yep. Tony Martin, Andrew O'Keefe, all those guys, get on there, thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com. Download them, let us know what you think, and we'll see you soon. See you, mates.

Hey, mates. Welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me is the other half of this little program. His name is Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Putting a bit of extra sauce in there. Words I don't always use. Just roadblocks in front of me.

Speed humps. Just getting in the way of the dickhead mention. That's it. But we're there now. That's exactly it. Hey, we do mailbag on this show from time to time. Yes. I love mailbag because you get all the emails and I don't read them.

So this is the first time I hear most of the stuff. Yeah. Well, I mean, it feels pretty evenly weighted. I don't know if people know this for sure, but you control the Twitter. That's all you. And the email is all me. So that's if you want to get something to one of us without the other one finding out, aside from Facebook, that's the way to do it. That's the way it's evenly weighted. We got an email here the other day. Private message me insults about Daslow on

Twitter, by the way. Yeah. And private message me just nice things about me to make up for what Carl says to me. We got an email here the other week from Joseph McKenna, listener slash friend of the show. Hey, mate. I have been a little dumb-dumber since the end of 2010, and every week I've waited in anticipation for the next episode. I was trying to think how I found you both, but I don't have the foggiest idea.

Whether it was Divine Intervention or Tommy's dulcet tones drawing me in, I thank my lucky stars for finding your humorous podcast. I like that my dulcet tones would draw someone in who hasn't heard the show. Like I'm that loud. Seeping out of iTunes somehow. Yeah, they just go wafting over the city. It's like the bat signal. It's like the sirens call dragging you into the rocks.

Exactly. Is that the first time anyone's called your voice dulcet? Yeah. Oh, there was a story about someone. You remember ages ago I was at a party and I was talking to someone and then from behind me I heard someone I didn't know going, is that the dulcet tones of Tommy Dassler? It was someone who listened to the show.

All right. So no one's ever used the term dulcet not sarcastically. No, that's correct. Why I've left it so long to thank you for your gratuitous work, I'm not sure, but the other day I was kicked into gear through randomly meeting a fellow dum-dummer along Chapel Street. When he was about 10 metres in front of me, I saw the dum-dum T-shirt he was wearing was none other than

a blue little dum-dum club T-shirt. Completely out of character, I confidently put up my hand for a high-five, saying, Hey, mate, this bloke without breaking stride gave me the crispest high-five of my entire life while replying, Hey, mate, this bloke without breaking stride gave me the crispest high five of my entire life while replying, Hey, dickhead. Then the moment was gone and we both kept heading on our way like nothing had happened. Oh, that is awesome.

Anyway, for the rest of the week, I had nothing but a grin on my face thanks to being called a dickhead. Oh, what a wonderful world. So at the end of all that, I want to thank you both for giving up your time each week, for giving me something to laugh at on my way into uni on a Thursday. Also, to encourage more random meetings, how can I get a T-shirt? Cheers, Joey. Now, there's a couple of things I like about that. I like that he says he's a big fan of the show, but it took actually seeing someone else in public wearing a T-shirt to make him want a T-shirt.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He had no interest before then. Or maybe he thought he was the only listener. Yeah, it could have been, yeah. He's a little-shirt. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like he had no interest before then. Or maybe he thought he was the only listener. Yeah, it could have been, yeah. He was a little bit embarrassed. I also just had this thought while reading it. You know, like a lot of people deliberately try and not find out what we look like.

Yeah. You know, it would have been great if that was just you. Yeah. And he hadn't known it. Like if he'd seen you and you'd high-fived him in the street and he had no idea. And that's our advertising campaign. Yeah. Wearing our T-shirt around.

Yeah, we just go around. Yeah, scouting listeners. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. No, people don't know what we look like. Have we said this before? I encourage people to send us messages about what they think we look like even on the basis

of our voice. We have, yeah. Plenty of people say that they're deliberately not, like, because the overwhelming thing is people go hunting for pictures of us and then are just extremely disappointed and appalled in what we actually look like. No one has yet gone, oh, you guys look awesome. Yeah. I thought you were, like, normal,

but you're actually much better looking than we thought. Because I do, like, I do sort of know where, even though part of me goes, I don't know what you would think I look like, but I do, you know, like when you do see pictures of people on the radio, like Big Klang coming up. I did a gig the other week with Scott Dooley from Triple J and Nova and stuff. And just as he was talking to me, I was like looking at him going, you shouldn't look like

this. And I don't know, that's not a bad thing. I don't know what in my head I had him pegged as, but it just looks wrong, you know? Scott Dooley looks wrong is what you're saying. Yes. Right. People on the radio should look differently. Everyone on the radio should be different.

Yep. Yep. Okay, so yeah, send us an email, littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com if you ever want to get in touch, particularly if you have not. Maybe try and find like a lookalike, you know, of what you – and don't just take the easy route and send in a girl for me. That's cheap. No, don't send in a picture of an arsehole for Carl.

Just actually genuinely listen to our voice and see what you think. A girl and an arsehole. Just literally someone's fucking arsehole. A girl's arsehole. Should rename the podcast. Our guest today, you know her from Twitter. You know her from her podcast, You're Welcome and The Minutes. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Mel Buttle.

Yay! Come on, you boys. You may know her from sitting quietly for the last ten minutes while we talk about ourselves. Very good work. So, you know, you do a couple of podcasts. Do you ever get that? Do you ever get people, you know, curious as to what you look like,

thinking you look different, anything like that? Yeah, I get a lot of disappointed faces at gigs. They go, oh, you're Mel. Are you? Yep, yep, that's me. This is it. Oh, I see what you mean. What do you mean you see what?

Like, you know, because on the podcast I'm talking about eczema and not having any boyfriends and they just come up and go, oh, yep, yeah, that fits. Yep, well done. Well, I was impressed last night because I did a gig with you last night and I was on the door and a pair of people came in and said, you know, tickets and whatever. And I went, oh, cool, why are you here? How do you know about us?

I always ask people how they found out about the gig and whatever down in St Kilda. And they go, oh, we're here for Miss Buttle. And I went, oh, cool, some fans and whatever. And then they go, yeah, yeah, we just wanted to come and see Melanie. Yep. To be clear, that's not your name. That's not my name.

That seems to be a recurring thing at your gigs, people coming in who are fans of the Act On, like the guy coming to see Dave Anthony because he was a Walking in the Room fan thinking it was Greg Barrett. Yes. What is going on with the people that come to your gigs? What is going on with people? Call in.

Can I check that, Carl? Were those two people? Can I just make a broad guess based on my demographic? And I'm casting nasturtiums. Was one of them a lesbian or a gay man? Yeah. I think you may have got the combo there. Nailed it.

Nailed it. What, both a lesbian and a gay man together? Yeah. Wow. And a girl's arsehole also walked in at the same time. No. No, I'm not saying no. There would have been girl's arseholes in the room.

They didn't walk in, though. Yeah, would have walked in. Not face first. No. But no, it was good. You had some fans down there last night. It was good. Yeah, all two of them.

All two of them. No, I think there was a couple more. Yeah, I think there was a set. I think there was two pairs. Yeah, all two of them. All two of them. No, I think there was a couple more. Yeah, I think there was a set. I think there was two pairs. Yeah, I'm quite famous. Yeah, yeah. I'm probably a bit too good for your podcast, but very kind of me and very generous of me to drop in.

I didn't want to get you in a position where you're going to start bragging because the other pair of people did know your full name. So, yeah. You're very famous with pairs of people. People in their twos really enjoy you. Nah, for me. Yeah, you're a combined effort. No loners.

No lone fans. Now, I want to bring up this to start with. Maybe you have some advice. We were talking about emails before. We all do a lot of comedy. I, and like I said then, I am involved in gigs and running gigs and whatever. And sometimes you get, you know, I think you would get a lot of correspondence, I think, uh, uh, on Twitter and Facebook and stuff like that.

Do you have any, uh, weird fans or weird, you know, people hit you up and stuff like that? Because you've, you're one of those people that has changed their name on, on Facebook now. So it's not as readily available. Uh, is that because you've had weirdos or anything like that? Oh, weirdos galore. that has changed their name on Facebook now, so it's not as readily available. Is that because you've had weirdos or anything like that? Oh, weirdos galore.

Like, where to begin? Like, I think the problem started when I did a festival show in 2010 and the closing 20 minutes of that show was all about fingering and that gave people the wrong idea. They took that the wrong way, Tony. They seemed to think I was mad up for a good finger. I am. But that opened the floodgates and every cockhead who came and saw that show, and by cockhead I mean 56-year-old married man, sent me an email going,

get a love, love the jokes, better, could help you out with your other problem. That's too far to actually type out woohoo. That's creepy. Wow. And that keeps going now? Because I think I would say, and I might be completely wrong, but there's no creepy girls hitting us up, is there? No.

There's much more creepy guys in the world than there are creepy girls. Well, not yet. Let's start the challenge. Any creepy girls, just come at us. Get into it. Yeah. So obviously, I would assume, and I might be wrong, but there are more creepy guys out there,

so you're going to cop more of that sort of stuff. Yeah, the guys are worse. The girls are just really intense. I have a few young girls that send me messages on Facebook, and they're just, oh, they're just in love with me. Yep. And they don't know that they're gay yet, but they're 16. Funny feelings in the tummy about Mel.

And they write me these Facebook messages like, oh, I fucking love you, Mel. I want to be you and I want to just be you hanging out with Josh Thomas and then, oh, kissing maybe. I don't know. So I've got a few of those. Oh, where do we get these? Yeah, that's bizarre. Who are the guys feeling funny in their tummies about us?

I mean, I think there has been a few feeling funny in their tummies about you, but before they thought you were a guy. That's true, yeah. Oh, you guys, I want to be you. I want to hang out with Luke McGregor and maybe kiss him. Oh, you guys. So do you get, would you be, because you've worked with Josh Thomas a lot, you've supported him on tours and stuff like that.

Do you get, do people kind of, has there been a lot of people treating you as a conduit to trying to get to Josh? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. There's a point of the night where they realise that even though Josh has spoke about being gay for an hour, that these girls finally, the penny drops and they go, I'm not going to get anything. Ah, butthtle's here.

And they sort of, girls and blokes both will like sidle up to me and just look at me like, I'm the crumbs that have been left on the platter. Yeah, no, wet your finger. Lick me up. So yeah, I get a lot of people becoming my friend and then going, look, not too much hassle, but can you just flick me Josh's number? Is it happening the other way around? Is there any 56-year-old married guys that are buddying up to Josh to get to you? That would be cool.

I wish. No, no. That unfortunately doesn't happen. But the main problems I have, because why I did the Facebook fake name thing, Carl, is because I speak on a national radio station on Triple J for about four minutes a week. That enrages people because apparently I'm, as one person said, you are the genocide of radio. Give Triple J back.

It's four minutes, mate. It's four minutes. Back to who? Back to bloody Adam and Will. Oh, yeah. Back to the Sandman. How dare you take this job? Yeah.

And so I was just sick of... Back to Jono and Dano. Dano. Yes, I was like, what these dudes would do, it'd be a guy would pop up to me, my friend, on Facebook, and he'd have a neck tattoo, he'd have his sunglasses around his neck and his hat on backwards, and I was like,

do I want to be friends with Jono, mad dog? I was like, all right, ad. And then Jono becomes my friend and straightaway sends me a message. Dear Mel, thanks for ruining the radio, you slut. Why do they need to friend you to send you that? Yeah. They want in. They want to go through my photos and just make sure I am a fucking dumb slut.

Oh, man. I've never been so jealous of such abuse. I like that you're a slut for ruining the radio. Fucking slut. Because you ruin a lot of different radio stations, you know, constantly. Yeah, I do. It's all in four minutes. What if they gave you eight minutes?

God. Bloody blow up. Be out of control. There should be a bunch of rubble over there. I got a message this week, and it's nothing of the magnitude of that, but I did find it very amusing because, you know, I help run some gigs and whatever. Sometimes you get hit up. You get hit up by a lot of – I think that, but I did find it very amusing because I help run some gigs and whatever. Sometimes you get hit up.

You get hit up by a lot of – I think that's my annoying emails. I don't get hit up by anyone saying I've ruined any radio stations. I get hit up by people wanting gigs and going, I've never met you and I've never been to a venue and I've never done anything, but I would like a gig tonight, maybe now as I'm typing. So I got an email this week, and I won't say any names or whatever, but, you know, it's just a normal sort of email.

It sort of said, hey, Kay, which is, you know, taking liberties, given that I don't know this person. Hey, Kay. I don't think that abbreviation's appropriate, but anyway. How goes it post-festival? You're still knackered. Oh, just hitting you up to see what's going on, and, you know, oh, you've got your rooms going.

Oh, I've been gigging around. So, yeah, I'm up for, you know, what are the gigs you're running these days? And I'm just like, very short and sharp, hi, you know, here's the gigs, you need to come down and check it out. See you down there, Carl, spelt it out, because I want to keep it formal. Your parents gave you all those letters for a reason, you should use all of them. There's only four of them, you know. God, how much time are you saving? Yeah, response.

Yeah, for sure. I'm going to go to heaps of nights. I've got some nights off coming up. Lol. I don't know why that was funny. Do you do a bunch of different nights, even though the person's already spelt out that they know exactly what I do? Yeah, I'm just finding it out.

Oh, you've got so many. My response, yes. Like I said before, these are the nights. See you down there, Carl. Cool. I'll get to heaps. Thanks. Now, this is the sign-off.

So they've asked for gigs. They've asked where they are, where the gigs are and everything. The last sign-off before they go. Right. Good, man. I'll get to heaps. Thanks. Return. About to go and have a hose shoved up my butt. The last sign off before they go Right, good man, I'll get to heaps, thanks Return

About to go and have a hose shoved up my butt And flushed with water Have you done colonics? Not really sure what to expect, ha ha Wow That's the sign off Maybe that's like Maybe that's like trying to establish some credentials for getting a gig.

Like, I'm about to go to do this ridiculous thing, so you know I'm going to have good material about it. You know I'm dedicated to the art of comedy. I'm doing things that I can write jokes about. Wow. Can I have this? Can I have a gig? And here's something to share with you.

I don't know where, I mean, it's sort of like saying, well, hey, you know, I'm not full of shit. Literally, lol. Yeah. Well, you know, we were just saying before about, you know, women's arseholes. So there you go. And yeah, and well, I'm complaining about not getting any sleazy people busting onto me.

I mean, maybe that's what that is. Is that a pickup line? Is that a come on line? I don't think so. No, I don't think it is. But have you ever, I mean, maybe this is your fault. Like, I don't know. Like, have you ever established publicly how clean you like people's buttholes to be when they're doing a gig for you?

Like, do you have any kind of criteria with that? Well, usually we say you've got to come down to book the gig. You've got to be in the venue to book the gig. But I don't think I've ever said that your rectum needs to be 100% clean or have some sort of fragrance or anything like that. I don't think. I'll have to go back through my paper trial.

You should really institute that policy. But next time you message us at littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com, give us an update of how your asshole is. Don't skimp. I've never had a colonic. I haven't either. I've been thinking about doing it. Oliver Clarke got one and he said it was like one of the greatest experiences of his whole life.

Wow. Yeah. I've never had one, but I've heard they're good. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard the similar, but I'm like, I'm paranoid about safety. And I was like, what if they put the hose up there and it like rips my bowel and I'm in a wheelchair forever. Like I'm a bit over irrational.

Yeah. Well, what is it like? Is it, is it supposed to be, it's? Obviously, it's not like a fire hose. It's just going bang, clean out the joint. Obviously, it's not a fire hose. Some people may have thought it was like that. I don't know because it's got to clean. It can't be like a gentle, you know, like the taps on 1% or whatever.

That's not going to clean anything because it's going up as well. Yeah, I think Ollie did tell me about this and it was a while ago, but it's like they flush you full of some stuff and then you just kind of left and you just have to hang out there and then come a certain point, you get the rumblings and, like, you've got to stay in the place to do the, you know, evacuation. Yeah, they don't just let you go home. Like, you have to stay there, you know, for a little while

and wait for it to all come out. And he said the feel, like, you get really, really full and it's, like, pretty intense. And then when it comes out, he said it's just, like, the most euphoric feeling of all time. Wow. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Yeah. That's a good ad.

Yeah. We should be sponsored by whatever that company is because that actually sounds quite, I've got this ongoing. Well, you've got to email this person back and find out where they're doing it and what it was like. Get the hook up. Do it right now. Maybe I will do it. Yeah, they're probably sitting by their email right now.

Do it. Do it right now. See if we can get a response by the end of the show. Well, when you pop them onto Headline, just ask them afterwards. Yeah, there you go. I've got a bit of... Because that sounds really good.

I like that idea of being that clean. There's only so clean you can be from the outside, but being clean on the inside. I've got this ongoing fantasy about... No, no, this is fine. I can say this. About just the idea of maybe taking all of my teeth out and just giving them a really good clean

and then putting them back in. Would that be good? Oh, you've come to the right place. Yeah. I am obsessed with teeth. Right. I didn't with teeth. Right. And the filthy, like, I didn't want to do this podcast because I'd gone out, then I'd eaten breakfast and I had to do it with dirty teeth.

Yes. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I should have bought a toothbrush. Yeah. And I feel filthy and disgusting sitting here doing this. Yeah. I got chewing gum. It's not enough.

All right, cool. What do you mean ongoing fantasy? Well, I just, you know. Like, did you dream about it? Well, like Mel saying, right then, like, you're out, you feel a bit of grunge on there, and I just go, oh, what could I... Oh, wouldn't this be good if I could just knock them out now and just get the fire hose from out of my butt and just go...

That's not how teeth work. Yeah, I know, but it's why it's called a fantasy. Once you take them out, that's it. They're done. Yeah, I understand. You can pick one. You can have teeth in your mouth. I don't think you do. I know. I said fantasy. You said this is an ongoing it. They're done. Yeah, I understand. You can pick one. You can have teeth in your mouth. I don't think you do.

You said this is an ongoing fantasy. I said fantasy. Some people fantasise about Angelina Jolie. I know that's not going to happen. That's why it's called a fantasy. I think having Angelina Jolie is more likely to happen than the idea of you pulling your teeth out, cleaning them and then just being able to easily reinsert

them. Yeah, yeah. I give them a blast under a tap. If I see it, you know when you find a tap in a public bathroom, there's like, it's like a fire hose. Yeah. What I do is I turn that tap on flat out and I like to, you know, on the bottom jaw, just behind the bottom teeth that get chock-a-block. I put that under the tap and try and get the blast in there. Wow.

That's good. That is good stuff. Yeah. I always like, you know, I've been getting a lot of public transport recently and, like, if you smell, like, trams stink generally. Like, if you smell a bit of a weird smell and it's there for a little bit too long, you start to go, oh, it's looking more and more likely that that's me. Because, you know, like all the other passengers around you have, like, you know, come and gone and you're the only constant, like, with the smell

and you're like, oh, and you're trying to do that, like, you know, you breathe out a little bit and then you try and catch the smell of it. Oh, God, what you're trying to do that, you breathe out a little bit and then you try and catch the smell of it. Oh, God, what a nightmare. You lick your fingers and stuff like that. Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lick my wrist, wait for it to dry and give it a sniff.

Yeah, exactly. This is what frustrates me. I brought this up on the show before a long time ago, but it's still happening. My girlfriend does a thing where she gets- Girlfriend? Yeah. Clang.

Waste of my fucking time. does a thing where she gets... Girlfriend. Clang. Waste of my fucking time. I sat through five minutes of colonic irrigation talk for nothing. Oh, I'm going to change my name on Facebook. I have a girlfriend and what she does is she gets up in the morning and then brushes her teeth and then has breakfast and goes to work.

Oh, she's mental. Got to get rid of her. Nah, it's and goes to work. Oh, she's mental. Get rid of her. No, it's never going to work. But it's crazy to me because she immediately eats breakfast straight after she brushes her teeth. That's ridiculous because not only does that defeat the purpose of brushing your teeth, doesn't breakfast then taste like weird and minty?

You know that classy thing like you brush your teeth and then have orange juice? Yeah. Doesn't everything just taste weird and minty? I love brushing my thing like you brush your teeth and then have orange juice? Doesn't everything just taste weird and minty? I really, I love brushing my teeth at night and then drinking cold water, ice cold water. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, arctic blast. Yes, exactly. That is intense.

But that's what she does. She brushes her teeth and then immediately we'll have like Vegemon on toast and come and kiss me goodbye and it stinks. And I go, what's the point of brushing your teeth then? Because your teeth are clean for maybe 30 seconds. You know what's going on? You know what's going on, I reckon, at her job? She's the stinky person at her job, I reckon.

Maybe. She's the one that everyone's like, oh, man. But it frustrates me. Her breath. She's got perfect teeth and everything. And I'm always saying, she doesn't brush her teeth before she goes to bed either, which annoys me. But I don't know why it annoys me, but it does.

I think maybe because I have to scrub mine to get mine clean. I'm thinking about knocking them out just to clean them, whereas she's smearing Vegemite all over her mouth and going to bed, and it's fine. She's got perfect teeth. They really annoy me. She's got the Ferrari of teeth, and she's popped a My Family sticker on it. Yes.

Yes, very much so. Oh, man, that is frustrating. Yeah, how can we fix this? Because that's annoying me, and I don't even have to. The lack of common sense in that. I've put it out publicly now, so maybe this will shame her into acting appropriately. We should give out her Facebook details so that she has to change her name because she's getting so much abusive.

Yeah, yeah. Clean your teeth properly, you mole. Yeah. No, I dare say, if I give out the details, I think more likely we'll get the 55-year-old married man giving her details about what she can do with her mouth. But I'm not sure if it would be appropriate. On the changing names thing on Facebook, a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine, one of my oldest friends from primary school,

he was getting all paranoid about his internet security and wanting to change his name on there to a little pseudonym or whatever and remove the tags of himself. And I was like, why? And he goes, oh, because I'm just worried about people finding stuff about me on the internet. And I was like, no offense, you're no one. What does that matter?

Who is looking you up? You haven't wrecked a radio station at all. What's he ever done? Yeah. I just found that really... And he actually did it. He changed his name and he took off everything. And I was just going, what do you care?

Who's looking you up? And also, he's a pretty straight-laced guy. Like, there's not pictures of him in his underpants passed out in a gutter. Like, he's, you know, the worst thing on there is a photo of him playing soccer. Yeah. And I noticed after a certain point, he just went back. Like, his name's back to normal. Right, right.

And I think enough people had gone, man, you are overly paranoid. He's just trying to drive people to his fan page. Is that it? Yeah. Yeah, for his work as a customer support guy at Origin Energy. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, maybe there are people trying to track him down because those people can be annoying.

That's true. Yeah, maybe. I was talking about my girlfriend before. I've got a new thing. I'm trying to get fit. I've brought it up on the show before and all that sort of stuff. And we've got, me and my girlfriend have got a race that we're, we're, I think what, seven weeks away now, um, six, six or seven weeks away and we've got to run 10 K.

So we're running a couple of times a week and stuff. And I've got a thing where, um, like I'm a reasonably naturally fit person. I think I've always played sports and stuff like that. That's how I think of you in my mind. Yes. And, uh, uh, my girlfriend is not so much that. Is she a fatty? She's not a fatty.

A fatty who doesn't brush her teeth. Wow. I see what's not working out. Not even the worst thing that's been said about her on this show, I should point out. Yeah? I don't know her. No.

She's a very nice lady. Young lady. I'm trying to be nice and it sounds bad. The desperation. I can wedge a nice adjective in there. Lady just sounds old, doesn't it? She's a lovely lady and I enjoyed her in the sex with her very best. She smells good, despite what I say.

So we've been running and she's getting used to the running now. She's getting used to it and she's getting much better she's really good at it now she's getting much better but she's got a thing where when she exercises when she runs she goes into a state of uh uh she gets mental she gets it's like a childbirth state where um when i run and i'll say hey you know um we're going good and she just goes no No, no. And it's like she's three-year-old again and she can't talk normally. So what she also does is on a morning like this morning, another perfect example, she dresses up. She gets a lot of clothes on. She puts a lot of clothes on to go running.

Like she puts on like a singlet thing, then a long sleeve shirt thing, then a jumper and then a coat, like a raincoat. What? Yeah, that's what she does. And I go, look, you don't need that. She goes, you know, you walk outside, it's 10 degrees. It's cold. I'm like, yeah, but we're going to be running. You're going to warm up.

No, no, no, it's cold now. I don't want to go out there and be cold at the start. So, of course, we get 200 meters in. She's already taking the clothes off and whatever. And because of the way that we run together, I have to run at the front. She refuses to run by the side of me, or she refuses for me to run in front. I always have to be behind for some reason. I was going to ask you that actually.

Yeah. She doesn't want to see me or know that I'm around while we're exercising together. See, me and my girlfriend do that, but it's more like, because my girlfriend goes, oh, let's go for a run. I really want to go for a run with you. I'm like, yeah. She's like, oh, this is so fun. We're going for a run together.

So we drive up to the park and then we're stretching and then she'll be done stretching and she'll just go, alright, see ya, and just take off. I'm like, why are you so insistent? She's sort of always pushing me to go with her. She always wants to come with me, but then just fucks off by herself anyway. I was like,

what difference does it make me being here? And then I finish and she's just there waiting. Oh yeah, that was good. It's like going to the movies together and going to different movies. Yes, exactly. Wow. Exactly. It's very weird. Well, this is what my girlfriend does.

So we get in that position. I'm well behind. I'm directly behind her, actually. And we're getting into the run. She's got four or five layers of clothes on. She starts stripping off as we're running along. All right. But then I get stuck with all of them.

So it's just like her in that mental state just going, you, you, me. And like throwing the clothes at me. And so I'm, and she's talking like that the whole time, just screaming and whatever. And so it gets, I've got four layers of clothes on me and it's like, I'm, I'm still running, but I've got them tucked over my hand like a, like a butler. Yeah. And I'm running directly behind her carrying four different items of clothing. So it looks like she's famous and you're her assistant.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I look like the exercise butler. It looks ridiculous. You've got kind of a dad. You're like her dad. Yeah.

That's the relationship you've got with her girlfriend. So now, like, when you're saying, like, you run behind her, like, speed-wise, if you wanted to, like, do you reckon, how far ahead would you? I could smash her. Yeah? I could smash her. And let me ask you this. When you're doing the run, when you're doing the,

whatever it is, the 10K, are you going to, you know, are you going to keep this up? Are you going to stay behind her? Are you going to try and go alongside? No. Or are you just going to smash her and just every man for himself? No, I'm not going to be like that at all. I'm going to be behind her for 10K.

Right. That'll be it. Okay. With whatever clothing she brings that day, I'll be bringing that. You should give her like, you know, eight or nine, and then just the last bit, just go, see you, mate, and just blitz her. Just to remind her of what you're really capable of. You know, make her appreciate all the times that you are behind her.

No, but I'm actually sort of, I'm taking liberties in a way because I enjoy running with her because, I don't know if this makes sense, but when I'm running with her, I'm sort of coaching her and I just have to worry about what I'm saying to her and what she's saying back and how she's going or whatever. If I run by myself, the only thing that's going through my mind is, I'm fucked. Yeah. This is really hard. I hate this.

Do you listen to music or anything like that? No, no, no. I just run. is, I'm fucked. Yeah. This is really hard. I hate this. Do you listen to music or anything like that? No, no, no. I just run. Yeah, I do that. Like, I got on to listening to music, and now I can't not listen to stuff when I run. Right. Because otherwise, it's just that. Yeah.

It's so much harder. No, so that's what's going in my head. Instead of music going through my ears, I'm just saying to my girlfriend, hey, you're doing a really good job, and there's a corner up here, and she's going, no, shut up. Take this. There's a wind cheater. The end. No, shut up. When are you going to get sick of giving, Carl?

I'm not a bad bloke. And you can find me on Facebook, Carl Chandler, K-A-R-L-C-H-A-M-D-L-E-R. So, girls, if you've had any fantasies about being looked after too much, hit me up, girls. Yeah, or teeth-related fantasies as well. You guys can share fantasies. Yeah, yeah.

If any girls out there want to knock my teeth out and then put a steel wool brush to them, hit me up. What about you, Mel? Do you get into the fitness? Use your eyes, Deslo. No, I do not. I do zero exercise. Although I do this thing where maybe once a month

I'll go to an indoor heated pool in the middle of the daytime at like 2pm and float on my back for 40 minutes. You really pronounce that very Brisbane style, peel. On the peel? Peel. I go to the peel. Peel. Yeah.

How do you say it? Pool. Pool. Yeah. Pool. Pool. Peel. It's like it's P-E-E-W-L, pool.

Fuel. No, I'm not mad for the exercise. I'm actually allergic to exercise. I'm not doing like shit gear. Like I have a thing where my skin breaks out in a rash and I have to have an antihistamine if I'm going to go and do exercise because I get very itchy from the blood getting up near the top of my skin or some shit.

It's a real thing, guys. I'm disabled. Here's what I was going to ask you about. You've talked about this on stage. Actually, are you still, you're not still teaching? You were a teacher for a while? I teach one day a week lately just for a bit of mad paper. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you teach? What subject? Is there one subject? Good question, Carl. I am qualified in English and drama high school teaching. Oh, yeah. But at the moment, I support students with special needs in mainstream classes.

So I teach special needs, although I'm not qualified in that area. But I've seen a lot of Dr. Phil. Yeah. So, yeah, that's what I do. One day a week. You've seen Rain Man? Seen it. Yeah.

So it's... You're like Tom Cruise in Rain Man. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. I am Tom Cruise. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So it's. You're like Tom Cruise in Rain Man. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. I am Tom Cruise. Right. Yeah.

But no, it's an all right job. I get, my favorite bit is I get to hang out with teacher aides who are like the best people on earth. They're just like, just should be sponsored by Miller's. Like they're just, I love them so much. They come in and they're like, guess how much? Guess how much this cost? And I'm like, guess how much?

I'm like, $8? $7.99. Good guess. Their favorite thing is bargains. I love that school environment of hanging out with just regular people and just doing stuff. And that is weird. Can that be weird given that you're on Triple J and you're on the Facebook and you're on the Twitter and stuff and then having to deal with students? Because I couldn't imagine being a kid at school when I was at high school or whatever and then going,

oh, yes, exactly, I'm old. I get it. And then being able to hit up my teachers or whatever. Yeah, I used to have this thing that I thought it would give me an edge and make it easier because they think I'm cool. No. Because they see you first and foremost as a teacher, you're just their nerd teacher ruining the radio.

Yeah, right. They don't care. They are not interested. I had a kid open up his laptop in class the other day and play a clip of me on the circle and the whole class gathered around and they were like, oh, miss, do they have like a button on the circle that they press to make people laugh? Because that's not... It's like, no, no, it's real laughs, real laughs.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my. And the kid's like, that's just not funny. Why are you rapping? You're a teacher. What are you doing? It's like, I'm not ruining everything. Yeah, no, they're little shits. That's very interesting to me because teacher is like a really popular,

like, comedian fallback. You know, I know a lot of comedians who've got teaching degrees or who've done teaching and, you know, like, you know, comedy is such a shaky kind of career in a lot of ways. Like, I reckon that's like the number one thing that people go, if it doesn't work out, I could probably become a teacher. Because I guess in a lot of ways it's just- A drop out of law to become a comedian and then drop down to teaching.

Fall back on teaching. Yeah. And then from there, Jesus, I don't know what you do. But it's, you know, I guess it's a lot. But I guess it's a lot of similar kind of skills that you build up, like confidence and presenting in front of strangers. All those things that get you through trying to get laughs out of strangers I think would be applicable to trying to win over kids. There's a girl that used to come to comedy all the time

and she was obsessed with saying, you've been a teacher or you're about to become a teacher or something to me. Because I would come out at the start of a gig and sort of go, hey, this is how the gig's going to start. You know, everyone get, put your hands together and whatever. And she just kept going, stop treating me like I'm a student. You know, it's like, you're a teacher. Oh, hey teacher, I'm going to throw the duster into the fan, man.

And I'm like, all I'm doing is making sure people are facing the right way. I wonder if we could line that up, if we could get you to teach for a day somewhere. I reckon I could do it. Let's do it. You could. You remind me of a PE teacher. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah, you've got essence to PE coming out of your pores. What does that mean? That just means that you're likely to try and get it on with an 18-year-old girl, I think. 18? Yeah. Is that 18-year-olds at high school? If they're dumb fucks, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You've been kept down for not being good at PE. Can that be a thing? No, you turned 18 in year 12. I didn't. Didn't you? I didn't. You're young for a year.

Yeah. Okay. I was one of those ones. You were one of those weird kids. No. I was one of the ones that I could go against the year 11s in athletics, though. No, I'd love it if someone could hook this up for us. I'd love to get you. Let's see if we can get you in to teach a class for a day. I could do it easy. Yeah. Oh, though. No, I'd love it if someone could hook this up for us. I'd love to get you.

Let's see if we can get you in to teach a class for a day. I could do it easy. Yeah, oh, man. And as a bonus, I will come into the class as a student. I'll put on a uniform. How is that a bonus? That's getting to see me in a little uniform. Yeah, okay.

I've still got my old Carey School uniform. I'll dust it out. Yeah. That'll be good. Do you have a blue card, Carl? A blue card? Do you have blue cards in Victoria? What does that mean? uniform. I'll dust it out. Yeah. That'll be good. Do you have a blue card, Carl? A blue card? Do you have blue cards in Victoria? What's that mean?

No. Like a pedo check. Just to make sure you're not one. Because you have to have one to come onto school property these days. Even as a tuck shop lady is and as a parent who wants to come in and read. How does a pedo card work? Do you turn up with a pedo card and then go, oh, hang on. No, someone's ticked that so you can't come in.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, if you, you know, the government doeso card and go, oh, hang on, no, someone's ticked that so you can't come in. Yeah, yeah. Well, if you, you know, the government does a check and they type into Google, is Carl Chandler pedo, comes up no, you're right, they post you the card. Well, I thought it was more like a subway card where it's like every time you interfere with a child, you get a stamp on it. So as long as it's completely devoid of stamps, you are. And then if you interfere with six, you get a free kid.

I think you'd be good, Carl. I think you'd be really good at it. At what? Which one? At raping kids. What do you think I mean, fuckstick? Keep up. No, at teaching.

You've got a nice gentle energy, like a lovely persona. I knew that was coming. Yeah, no, I want to see this. I like telling people what to do. That's something. That's something. That's something. Can you number off? If let's say there's 18 kids and you need two teams,

how are you going to get them into two teams, mate? What are you going to do? Good-looking ones versus the freaks. Yep, correct. Is that how it's done? Yep. Oh, man, I'd love to see you with a real rough class as well. You know, like John Lovett's in High School High Style?

Oh, I haven't seen that. Oh, really? Yeah. It's a good movie. I saw that at the cinema. Really? Yeah. I didn't even know it came out in the cinema.

Because it was like a mock of Dangerous Minds, wasn't it? Was it that film? Yeah. I love teaching. Front row cinema for that one. What inspired you to get into teaching? The cash money. No, I just love school.

Heaps, Carl. Man, I would go back to school right now. Like, I just love school heaps, Carl. Man, I would go back to school right now. Like I'm waiting for the tap on the shoulder. Are you really? Are you for real? I love it heaps. School was my time to shine. Like I wasn't popular or whatever.

I just did everything, debating, touch football, cross country, swimming, drama club. I was one of those girls. Like I'd speak on assembly. Guys, the Mother's Day store will be open outside the tuck shop on Tuesday. $4 gets you an excellent packet of fudge for your mum's come along and support cancer research. That sounds really good. Yeah, it's really good.

That's a good voice. No, I just love school and I love drama at school. And I went, well, I opened up the university book. I was like, what jobs can you get? Drama, unemployed, drama teacher. I'll take teacher. But then I hated it when I actually got into teaching drama. It was kids ruin it, they're untalented and they shit all over it.

It's funny how like when you're at school, like, you know, I think most people kind of hate it. Oh, I can't wait to get out of school. And then you get out and you get a bit of distance from it and you realise how sweet you actually did have it. You know, you finish at three o'clock every day. All your mates are just there all the time.

You don't have to organise to see anyone. Man, it was, you don't know how good you got it. Yeah, I always loved it. It was, yeah, yeah. You get to hang out with your mates and, you know, you don't have to do work if you don't want to. Yeah. I just found it was such a weird thing.

Every time you'd have to make a decision at school about your life, I'd be like, why am I allowed to do this? Like, I'm 15 or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm obviously an idiot. Yeah. Like, shouldn't someone else be telling me what to do now? You know, you go to, you finish it, like, I finished at 17, and then it's like, okay,

what are you doing now? And I'd, I was always really good at school until, like, year 12, and then went, oh, yeah, I'm a bit sick of this now. And then it was like, oh, well this is a point that sort of directs you towards your career now. And you've really timed this badly. So yeah,

I was one of those kids who I was like, yeah, pretty decent the whole way through. And then yeah, sort of fucked around a fair bit in year 12. And then towards the end of year 12, tried to make that last ditch effort where it's like, oh no.

Okay. For the last month, I'll study real hard and try and pull it together in the, in the dying, in the dying hours of year 12, tried to make that last ditch effort where it's like, oh, no, okay, for the last month I'll study real hard and try and pull it together in the dying hours of year 12. Yeah. Well, because I grew up in Mirabar, all my mates sort of went to Melbourne afterwards and I was like, oh, I don't know, Melbourne's a bit scary to me. I was, like, scared of Melbourne.

So I ended up going to Ballarat because it was like a gateway drug to Melbourne. And it was like some people I'd met before that were going to Ballarat. So it was like, oh, this is, I was looking into courses going, what courses should I do to be close to people I know? You know, like mates and stuff. Man, I had such ridiculous decision making when I was 17. But yeah, I ended up going to TAFE, Clang. What'd you do at TAFE?

What'd you study? I studied, well, I got into, to TAFE, Clang. What did you do at TAFE? What did you study? I studied – well, I got into – in the old days, there was courses outside. You know how you have to go through VTAC or whatever down here, I guess, in Victoria, and it's all through one regulated way or whatever, and so you get those first preferences, first round decisions or whatever like that, and you can only take them. Well, you could get into separate stuff, so I actually had an offer to go and do, no, what was it? It was sort of like an English course at uni, or I could do design at TAFE, graphic design at TAFE.

So I took that. I don't know. I really don't know why. I think it was like just like the classrooms look better or something. I went, okay, well, that looks cool. You were talking last time about when you went to interview at a new school and they just put on pizzas and flying foxes. Maybe it was that.

Yeah, it was sort of like that. Maybe you were old enough then to be dumb enough to be fooled by a trick like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like that. So I don't know. I just remember just sort of waking up one day going, oh, yeah, well, I'm sort of an adult now and apparently I'm doing graphic design for a living. All right, well, that looks like what I'm going to do.

Even though I hadn't done graphic design in high school. Right. But I just went into it. Did you doodle, though, Carl? Yeah, I knew what I was doing, but I think I actually went halfway through the process, I applied for graphic design and stuff at uni as well, and I brought in my folio, and they went, that's just a bunch of doodling, though, really, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah, I didn't do graphic design in school.

Yeah, but see, I did a big wang on that one, and that's a gun bunch of doodling though really isn't it? And I'm like yeah I didn't do graphic design in school. Yeah but see I did a big wang on that one and that's a gun. Well you've told me about some of your comic strips that you used to draw and they made me laugh so. Yeah they didn't have the same sort of mind that you've got though. So yeah I did graphic design instead at TAFE which was I don't know just a real moment of turning up there and going I don't know how I got here. This is what I'm going to do don't know how I got here. Yeah. This is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life now.

Would you go back to that if comedy didn't work out? Yeah. Well, that's something I could – I ended up working in it for 10 years or whatever. Yeah. Wow. How old are you? Oh, hey. You're in your 30s.

So am I. Hey. Hey. Hey. Because I don't have that. I finished school. I did uni for like eight months or so and then dropped out. I was doing comedy at school, so I've never had – you know what I mean?

I've never gotten good employment in something outside of this. But I want to talk about this. Well, you lived at home. I mean, you've only recently moved out of home, haven't you? Oh, like three years ago now. Really? Yeah. I still live at home.

I live at home right now. Oh, really? Yeah. Have you ever moved out? Yeah. I lived in Perth for two years by myself and I lived out of home in Brisbane for one year. Right. Why did you go to Perth by yourself? Because I was trying to get a teaching and the only job in Australia I could do that I wanted was in Perth.

So I went to Perth and took like a day job in the Arts Department of the Government. Right. And that's where I started comedy was over there. Oh, right. Yeah, so that's why I went to Perth. Ah. But now I'm back. Yeah.

And what was the job in Perth? I was in charge of distributing the funding for the Indigenous Arts Grant Program. So I would like, people would come up and apply and go, can I have some funding to put on a show, a dance show in Broome? And me and the panel would decide if you can have any money and how much you can have. Then we'd go and watch the show. Right. Oh, friend of the show and friend of yours, Josh Earle, was telling me a story two days

ago. Let's see how this story pans out. He was doing a show. He was emceeing a gig, or he was doing a show, and it was sort of like a government gig, and it was some sort of awareness program for the Indigenous arts and it was a bit of a, like it was an Indigenous themed thing about, you know, very much positivity and you know, hey, guys get into the arts and whatever and all these positive role models and whatever it was and he was performing and it got to the end and he was selling CDs and merchandise and stuff.

And a young Indigenous lady just picked up a heap of it and walked out the door with it. And he was like, I can't sort of go, hey, you bloody thief, get back here. And she picked it all up and walked out the door. And Josh said he was just stuck in that frozen moment of, what can I possibly do? And people were seeing it as well and going, hey, is it politically correct to stop someone from committing a crime? Oh, man.

And she turned around and went, I'm bloody cheeky, aren't I? And then just walked out the door with a couple hundred bucks worth of Earl gear. Oh, man. Sweet Earl merch. That's a tough, that's like Josh Earl's Larry David moment. Yeah. You know? I have to say, I think I would have stopped her.

Yeah, well, that goes without saying. Yeah, yeah. Just can I get back to this thing that you said before about me only recently having moved out of home? Because you've made your little cracks at me a couple of times and every time in my head I go, I moved out ages ago. Like why is he still bringing this up? Now this is something I've been sitting on for a little while. A few weeks ago a friend of the show, Declan Fay,

came around to my house because he was meeting other friend of the show, Henry Stone, for a beer. Henry was staying at my place. So Declan came around to pick him up and they went off to have a drink together. That in and of itself was quite a weird scenario because Henry's, you know, like 23 or 24 and Declan's an old man and he was just taking him out for a beer on a Saturday night. That in itself was, I found that a weird setup.

I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know whether to warn Henry. I didn't know whether I should go along and chaperone or whatever. But anyway, so Declan comes- Was he on- Do you have his blue card? Declan would never get a blue card. So anyway, Declan comes into my house and he's walking around and you've been to my house. Declan is in my house and he goes, oh, this is a really nice house. You got a nice place here. This is good. It's interesting because Chandler drove me to a thing I was doing a little while ago. And at the

time he said he was really worried about you. And I didn't know what was going on with your living arrangements. So it's good to see that you're doing well. I'm like, what's Chandler saying to people he's worried about me for? What's this? What's he going on? And Declan goes, oh, he was just worried about you because when you were staying at your parents' house, you were sleeping in a lot. Now, that's just come to me through Declan. That oh, he was just worried about you because when you were staying at your parents' house, you were sleeping in a lot. Now, that's just come to me through Declan. That's a direct quote. That's what he said to me that you've said to him.

What is your racket? Like, what are you going around saying to other people you're worried about me for sleeping in? That doesn't sound like me worrying about you. Well, no, but hanging shit on me to someone else, that definitely does sound like you. I don't remember. I don't like you. I don't remember. I don't remember that. I don't remember saying that.

I don't know why I would have said that. I was quite enraged at the time, I'll tell you that much. I nearly gave you a call going, coming from a bloke who is updating his Facebook every day with whatever's going on in that day's episode of The Love Boat, how dare you have a crack at my commitment to life? Yeah, I don't remember that at all. It was funny though, because I did have a car trip with Declan, and he was sort of throwing out a few teases, trying to hook me,

throwing out a few hooks, trying to get me to say something about someone and whatever, and especially about you. And I wasn't biting. And then he came back and went to you, oh, yeah, Chandler was saying all this shit about you. And you go, yeah, that'd be right. And I go, I actually didn't. And then he goes, yeah, you didn't either.

I think it's just because, you know, Declan, you know, I feel like, you know, because he does a podcast with Nick Maxwell, you know, they're the two of them and they have a working relationship together. I think he feels like every working relationship is the same as theirs. Do you know what I mean? I think he wants to find out if, like, if we argue in the same way that they do about things or whatever.

Yeah. Declan's a funny guy because he's got the same point of view about me that you do and go, oh, yeah, he's an arsehole. And then I go, oh, okay. And then he goes, nah, you're actually a really good guy. Yeah. I've never said that about you. No, the second bit, no.

But yeah. Carl is a top guy. I don't get this. What's all this Carl's an arsehole business? Please don't interrupt while we're trying to sort out our issues, Mel. Oh, I'm sorry, no. Carl is a top guy. I don't get this. What's all this Carl's an asshole business? Please don't interrupt while we're trying to sort out our issues, Mel. Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Phil's wife, for being involved. But why is Carl an asshole? What's he done?

Give me an example. Give me some evidence. You clearly haven't listened to this show before. No, I have. I've listened to a couple, but I just see what's in front of me. I was very sweet of you to say. I see the present. When you want to, you can put on a good front. I'll give you that. what's in front of me and I see. Oh, that's very sweet of you to say. I see the present.

You put on it. When you want to, you can put on a good front. I'll give you that. It's a front. It's a front. I like to think it's the real me. Okay, let me just get to this. I was going to say this before and I was saying, you know,

what would you fall back on because I've never done anything really work-wise that's not comedy since I finished high school. So I've never known. if this went tits up. I've got a real fear about it because I have really no other skills. But at the start of the year, I went to the Lameway Festival in Melbourne, and I've done this for a couple of years. You can apply to be a volunteer, and you get a free ticket to the festival. And it just means you've got to work on the site for like two hours. I've done it before, and you sign up to do it, and you don't know what to the festival. And it just means you've got to work on the site for like two hours. I've done it before and you sign up to do it and you don't know

what shift you're going to get. And this year I got the 7am till midday shift, which is perfect because midday is when the festival starts. So I just had to get there early, set up a whole bunch of stuff, and then I just got to hang out for the rest of the day. It was great. And what was interesting about it was I'm not, you know, it was all like setting up fences and doing sort of like laboring

kind of stuff, and I'm not built for that at all. And I'm generally, in any other work I've had, very unreliable and very shit at my job. But because this group of people doing it were all like these indie hipster dregs who were just there to get a free ticket, by process of elimination I was the most competent and reliable person on the job. At one point, I felt like turning around to the group and going, take a good look at yourselves, guys.

Because when this guy and the woman running it. The one-eyed man was really king that day. Jesus. The woman running it was just getting the shits with everyone. Because they're all like, I don't know where to put the nail gun down. And then I'm like, come on, guys, let's just go and get this done. And so she's loving me because I know what I'm doing. At one point I got given the responsibility of driving a ute around and going and picking

up stuff. I was loving it. And maybe it was just because, you know, I was just blessed with being the only good one at it. Yeah. It sort of made me go, maybe I could be a laborer. Maybe that's what I'd get into. Like, I loved it.

I had such a great time setting up fences, driving around, picking up concrete slabs. Doing actual work. Doing actual work. And it made me sort of think, maybe I'd be all right. I could do this, you know? Wow. Yeah. I'd like, yeah, I've thought that sometimes, but I think it's gradually just dropped away where you go, like you sit at a desk or you, you know, you're doing comedy or you sit at

home and watch the love boat all day, which is my job at the moment, apparently. And then you go, well, I just want to go outside and just lift some stuff and whatever. But then, you know, that's a thought and I've never actually done it. Yeah. But it sounds good, doesn't it? I've done factory work before. Have you? Yeah.

Like boxing up stuff in a warehouse. Really? That's pretty fun. Yeah. Me and my best friend did it for like a week in summer, like during a real heat wave. Yeah. It was good to do with a mate because you just, you know, you just fuck around.

Yeah. Yeah. I only worked in one factory ever and that was, I think I've brought up on the show before when I lived in England. In London? Yeah, outside of England. And it just, we just, there was three Australians, that was me and my friends, and then we just took over the factory inside two weeks and we're running it and reassigned new names to people.

Like, just went, met someone called Jeff, and went, you don't look like Jeff, you look like a Steve. Okay, everyone, his name's Steve from now on, and then everyone called him Steve from then on, including his parents. We ran to his parents' house, and his parents started calling him Steve. That's good. Yeah. That's real good.

Yeah. Hey, Melanie, Melanie Buttle. Yeah, that's my name. Something I'm interested to ask you about, Pedestrian Bachelorette of the Year nominee. Stop it, you. Yes, yes, somehow they nominated me for that, for Bachelorette of the Year. Obviously, they needed someone as an ironic entry. Oh, come on.

Explain what it is. Right. There's a group of mad sluts who have been chosen, including myself, to win this competition called Bachelor of the Year. I'll give you a snapshot of the people who are in it. So there's Ruby Rose. There's Lara Bingle. Oh, wow.

Your mates. All my friends. All of your mates, yeah. Then there's Mel Buttle. Hannah Gadsby's in it as well and then there's about 30 other girls that I don't know

who they are but they're the sort of people who have hot photos of themselves and they're skinny and they're like I've got a blog and I make badges.

They're like those girls. And this is a Big Brother style set up where you all have to live together obviously? No, we don't. Oh, damn. That would be great.

It's for this website and I got nominated and it's public vote. So it's Facebook vote. And I think I'm sitting pretty on about 325 votes, whereas Ruby Rose is on about 7,000. Right. So... Wow.

I hate anything like that that's public vote. You know, like when, you know, Channel V and stuff will have searches for a new presenter. And I would love to do that. I would love to work in, like, music presenting in some way. And I would love to do that. I would love to work in music presenting in some way. And I was like, oh, maybe I'll put a thing in. And then you realise that it's like to get into the short list of nominations, it's whoever has the most votes.

And I go, I don't want to be that guy that's making an event invite going, hey, guys, and put on their status every day. Yuck. I don't want it if it's going to mean losing all my friends just for annoying them through Facebook. You wouldn't trade your friends for a spot on Channel V? No. That's the kind of guy I am, Carl.

I value friendship too deeply. You are a great guy. I'm going to tell Dec about you. Please do. So when's it up? I don't know. It's soon. It closes soon and then it goes from the votes to the judges decide

who's going to be the winner. Hang on, so there's votes and then there's judges as well? Yeah, so there's votes and then the top three, I think. The judges decide who has the most votes by counting them? Yeah, they read the numbers. No, I don't know. It's a cool thing to be asked to do, but I don't actually understand why they picked me. I am a bachelorette.

I'm single. But I don't quite understand why they picked me. I am a bachelorette. I'm single. But I don't quite get how they thought. Now, have you been given any strict guidelines? Like if you get a boyfriend before this thing's up, is that going to throw the whole thing in a disarray? Are they going to boot you out unceremoniously? Well, I don't think they felt the need to talk to me about that. Because that's with the clear bachelor of the year.

There's always like the guy who wins will publicly have a girl, like publicly known have a girlfriend. Yeah. I don't know. I think they're more just into just, it's just for lols on the internet, just for good times. Because I don't know. I know a few people in it have boyfriends and girlfriends. So I don't know how seriously they take it.

Yeah, right. But you said the Bachelor of the Year. What does Bachelor mean? Does it mean not married or just single or what does it mean? I always thought it meant single. Yeah, right. But you said the Bachelor of the Year. What does Bachelor mean? Does it mean not married or just single? Or what does it mean? I always thought it meant single. Like, not married. Like, you know, there's already a term for that, you know,

like in a relationship. Yeah. Yeah, because I've seen some people in that Clio Bachelor of the Year and seen around that time someone going, oh, yeah, they're in a relationship, but they're just sort of cooling it down at the moment. They've just sort of stepped away from it a bit at the moment. It's like, is that just for a chance of winning Clio Bachelor's?

Yeah. Are you denigrating your girlfriend just maybe for, you know, someone picking up the wrong magazine instead of Dolly Doctor? They got Clio this week and they're going to vote for you? Yeah. What do you get? What do you get if you win the Bachelor of the Year? Hot chicks.

Okay, cool. Yeah. That seems fair. Yeah. You get to pick if you win the Bachelorette of the Year? Hot chicks. Okay, cool. Yeah. That seems fair. You get to pick your choice of the pedestrian TV. Yeah, do you know, is there a prize for the Bachelorette of the Year? I think there is a small prize. It is sponsored by a company. I think the prize is $10,000 or equivalent from-

Ruby Rose doesn't need $10,000. Yeah, exactly. Nah, she's raking it in. And again, if it's public vote, it's like obviously the person with the highest profile, most well-known is going to win the money and is thus least deserving of having the money. Least needing of the money.

Well, least needing of it, sorry. Yeah. I don't want to break my back voting for a celebrity to win $10,000. That's ridiculous. You're such a good bloke, Carl. How dare you come in here and ruin everything that I've been building over the last 80-something weeks. Mel's turning this show upside down.

Yeah, okay, so bachelors and bachelorettes and stuff, and Carl, you've talked about your girlfriend a bit this episode. I don't know why I've singled out this episode, but how about this? I recently, I was in Sydney last week. Let's sizzle this up. I've filmed an ad.

I'm going to be in an ad that's going to be on. This will be. It's like a proper ad too as well. It's a proper ad. It's for, I can't say what it is yet, but if you know me, you'll recognize me on there. And it was a group audition. Yes.

Because the very first audition you went to, I was in it as well. Yeah. And it was very, very early on. I was discarded from the bunch. Yeah. It was before my new nice guy persona, to be fair. So if I went back in now, I think I'd probably know it. No, well, that's like you threw it so I would have a better chance.

Yes. You're such a good guy, Carl. Let's go with that. You're such a good guy. So anyway, I was in Sydney filming that and one of the guys who is in the ad is, he's 22 years old, he's a young guy, and he was talking to me about how he lives with his partner. And you know, when someone says my partner, that's a man at that age, I think this is

fair. That's a bit of a flag where you go, okay, might be gay, you know, and not comfortable saying that. So in my head I had that and then it came out girlfriend, you know, the word girlfriend got used later on. I went, okay. And then I just noticed him doing this heaps just saying, oh, me and my partner do this, me and my partner, me and my partner.

And then one night after the shoot we were out and he said it and I was a little bit drunk. I just went to him over. I went, man, you're 22. You are too young to be calling your girlfriend your partner. That's so weird. You can't be doing that.

And he goes, yeah, but you know, I've been with her for three years. That's weird to call her my girlfriend after three years. I was like, is it? No, I don't think it is at all. You know what I mean? That's the term that you use when, you know, you're like 40 or 50 and it? I don't think it is at all. You know what I mean? That's the term that you use when, you know, you're like 40 or 50 and it feels like girlfriend feels like a younger term for like, you know, if you're past a certain age. I don't think it qualifies.

I reckon when I get married, I'm going to still call her my girlfriend. It just sounds... She'll love that. Do you think? Is that bad? Yes. Of course it is. I think that's like keeping it fresh. Isn't it? Guys, this is my fuck buddy.

You can't do that. Are you serious? Yeah, I am serious. I was thinking about it the other day. Do you still think he's a good bloke now? Okay, it's going down a bit. I still think he's a good bloke, but I think you need some guidance on that. Yeah, yeah.

I would prefer you refer to your wife as your girlfriend than the wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That annoys me. The missus. The missus, the albola chain. Yeah. That stuff shits me. I now pronounce you husband and girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah. And husband and better half. Oh, God. My dad, he's like 61, he has a girlfriend, but he has weird problems. He doesn't know what to call her either, and he doesn't want to say partner because then she'll get half his shit in his mind. Ah, right. So he knows the word girlfriend is inappropriate, so he calls her his lady friend.

Ah, yeah. Which just sounds yuck. Partner in any, like, I mean, I understand why guys at a certain age do use it, but even then I just find it, I don't know, I just find it weird. I did. There was a comedian in Melbourne a couple of years ago that I'd never seen his wife or anything like that or didn't know exactly how he was connected with a partner or anything like that.

And I went into a pub one night and he was with this, and he's an older guy, he's probably about 50, and he was with like a 50-year-old lady. And he goes, oh, hi, Carl. This is my partner. And then she just turns around and goes, why did you call me your partner? I'm married to you. I'm your wife. But that's what you're going to call when you call your future wife your girlfriend.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. I can see it now. Yeah. I can see what's wrong with girlfriend. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I can see it now. Yeah. I can see what's wrong with what I said. Yeah. Okay.

You know, I'll bring this up very quickly. This is something I haven't brought up on the show. I just thought of then. As I said, I used to live in Ballarat. For a short period of time, what you said about the guy and, you know, maybe having a gay partner or whatever. For a very short period of time, believe this or not, I... You sucked on dicks?

No. Oh, God, I really thought it was going to be that. Oh, man. No, I felt... In my head just then was a voice going, everything is about to change for you. No, no, no, no. God damn it. I remember being single in Ballarat and I played soccer and I went out and stuff like that.

And I had a housemate that worked in a Thai restaurant and I was playing soccer on the weekend. And it came out one night, I was going out, and my other teammates were saying to me, oh, you know that the bloke who plays in defence, you know he's gay, don't you? And I'm like, oh, no, I actually didn't know that. But I was like, oh, that's cool, because I actually quite liked him, he was a good guy.

And we'd always have a bit of a niggle, though. We'd always be back and forth, like me and you. Yeah, not like me and you at all. No way. He actually looked a lot like Luke McGregor. It's a lot more. This guy looked a lot like Luke McGregor. And let me say this, you and me, there's a lot more forth than back.

Well, I've got my best behavior on in front of Mel. Yeah, okay. So he was a lot like Luke McGregor, and we'd go back and forth and whatever, and we went out one night and they said, oh, he's gay. And I went, that's cool. And they said, oh, the other thing is he's really keen on you. Of course he is. He's got a real thing for you.

And I'm like, really? But then I stopped playing for that team, not because of that moment, but I ended up being literally on a different team from him. He stopped playing on that team. So you could say you started playing for the other side? Yes. Exactly. I was definitely playing for a different side to him.

But then he would play on me. He would play on me. He would be in defence and I'd be up forward. Like he'd pitch and you'd catch? Yes. That sort of arrangement? I can't. I keep trying to think of a different phrasing,

but it just keeps coming up the same. The fact that sport is involved in this story has really fucked you. There's no way around it. Yeah. I can't. What's a more innocent way? I had sex with him. No, that's not the one.

So I would play in a forward position. No, that's not it. I would play as a striker. Everything sounds sexual. No, I don't know. You sucked his dick. There's no implications in that. That didn't happen.

So his balls are on your chin. Just go from there. Let's go from there. We both had a goal. You've given him your own personal colonic. Oh, man. How did it end, Carl? What's the still friends?

No, no, no. It was like, I was fine with it, but it was just that everyone else would like, in my new team, would go, ah, we know what's going on here. And so he would be, you know, the ball would be up the other end. Again, man, this sounds bad. Come on, class. Settle. Yes.

Yeah, exactly. So I would be up the other end of the field. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. So anytime, I would be getting heckled from both teams. Yeah. Like both teams would be going, how's your mate going? Hey, why don't you give him a kiss? But I was like, you're his

teammates. What are you doing? So anyway, I thought, oh, well, that's, you know, that's cool. At least I thought, well, that's something, you know, someone's got a bit of affection for me. That's something, you know, this is a lonely part period of my life. I didn't have anyone. I didn't have a partner. Before you knew me. Exactly. Yeah. So then I was, I think people were talking to me one night at, um, at this restaurant

and it was, uh, I had friends that worked at this restaurant and they were telling the story or whatever. And I was like, oh yeah, this is a good story or whatever. And then the, the, one of the Thai chefs, uh, chefs just sort of silos up to me and goes, yeah, I've always thought the same thing as well. So I was like, am I a gay icon in Ballarat? And I was getting like no action on the other side

of things at the time. Oh, and you thought... This might be easier. Yeah. It might be easier. I'm getting more attention. Maybe this is a pass that's being made for me.

Yeah. But I've got... I lost it then. That was it. That was the end. I had like two, yeah, gay friends then that were quite keen and then nothing ever since.

So I was a little bit, I've lost my gay mojo. Oh, you've got, you've had no one keen on you since. Yes. Yeah, right. I thought you meant, and now I've got no gay friends. No, no, no, no. Yeah. No, so I've lost my, so again, if you're gay and you love me, email in. Yeah, that's, wow, that's a fascinating.

It was a weird time. Every time I would play soccer, I'd play against him and be like, I can't even, I feel like I can't even tackle him or anything because it's like, is that homophobic to try and get the ball off him or, I don't know. So what you're saying, Carl, is some male sporting teams have weird attitudes towards sexuality. Unheard of. I'm breaking it here.

I'm breaking it. Oh, well, yeah, write in if you want to do a bit of Photoshop work. Carl Chandler is a gay icon. Let's get that going. What? A little dum-dum float. We're going to Sydney soon. Yeah.

Can we get a float? Yeah. Not even Mardi Gras, just our own one that we just drive down King Street in Newtown. Bit of local reference for you guys. That's what you can expect. Well, guys, that does bring us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Mel Buttle, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you, champs.

People can hear you on your own podcasts, The Minutes. Yes. And You're Welcome. Correct. Anything else coming up that you would like to plug? I don't really know. Just your gigs. Have a look at my website, melbuttle.com.au,

and I'll probably have a gig near your house sometime soon. Oh, great. Don't look for her on Facebook. No. Yeah, you won't find her. We have got our live show coming up, Sydney, July 8th, at the Comedy Store. Tickets are on sale now at Comedy Store.com.au. You can get on there and find tickets.

You can also find them at our Facebook page. We're on Twitter at DumDumClub. Send us an email, littledumdumclub at gmail.com. We've got the T-shirts for sale, our live episodes. T-shirts were officially out of blue, extra large. Ooh, yep. So lose some weight if you want a blue T-shirt. It's good motivation, yeah.

Come running with me and my girlfriend thelittledumbdumbclub.bandcamp.com for our live episodes from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival guys thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time

see ya mate