The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 9 - Xavier Michelides & Nick Cody

Episode Date: December 22, 2010

Post-office rage, Nana Knows Best and Xavier's True Crime Tales. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

G'day everyone, welcome aboard to another edition of The Little Dum Dum Club. My name, as always, is Tommy Meatball Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, Carl the Chang Chandler. G'day Dickhead. Hey mate, how you doing? I'm alright. This is our Christmas episode, I guess. It is.

By virtue of just when it's coming out. Yep. We've got a very special guest in here today. He's a good mate of ours, good friend of the show, a stand-up comedian. You might have seen him on Rove. His name is Xavier Michaeliti. Yay! Hey.

Last week we were talking about nicknames. Have you got a nickname, Xavier? Um, Zavvers. Zavvers. Just be Zaves. Yeah. A lot of people used to do X-Man for a while. Oh, yeah.

That was pretty cool. My friend, Jeremy Ryan, for a while used to call me Zavis McCunders. That was back when we were kids, but looking back at it, it was McCunders. Does that mean something else? McCunders. Are you thinking because there's a bit of a sneaky C-bomb almost hidden in there? I think that's what it was. Right.

I think so we could just say it in school. We could just say the C-bomb. I get angry at people when they refer to you as Xavier. Yeah. Yeah. I'm angry at people when they refer to you as Xavier. Yeah. Yeah. I'm cool with it because otherwise I get angry all the time because it's literally 50-50. And I understand it.

I'm cool with it. I'm angry all the time. I'm a nutcase. I'm a nutcase. I'm seriously passive-aggressive. No, yeah, and like 50% of people call me Xavier and 50% call me X-Man. Right.

I don't understand it because there's only one other word. There's only 12 other words I can think of where X is pronounced Z and that's xylophone and xenophobic. Yeah, but also to be fair, you don't pronounce it K-R. No. You know, just because the letter's there. You don't separate the letter. I'd prefer it if you did.

K-R. K-R. That would make you sound, I don't know, like you're a... Yeah, I should get better at this. Have things to say when I set myself up. I'm going to call you the M-Eat-Ball. The M-Eat-Ball. Yeah.

M-Eat-Ball. Yep. Well, you'll enjoy this. This has happened to me yesterday. I don't know if you've been listening to the show much. I have. I listened to the whole show in like a 24-hour stretch. Wow.

Yeah, I just started listening. I just started listening to it. Well, I also had a corporate gig. So, on the way there... While you were on stage. While I was on stage, I can literally go through the motions of corporate gigs now. So you were there at Hewlett-Packard just going, hey dickhead, yeah!

I've shit meself! And I'm scurping it out with my dirty hands in the streets. Let's get some prostitutes. So you will know how much Carl delights in any story that involves my real name. Yes, yeah. I had a thing happen yesterday that I thought Carl would enjoy.

I had to go to the post office and pick up a package that had been sent to me, and it's for a gig that I'm doing, so it's addressed to Tommy Dassolo. Your stage name. Yeah, my stage name. Your actor's guild name. Yeah, my stage name. Your actor's guild name. Yeah, my SAG. So I had to rock up, right, but I needed ID to get it.

And I don't have – I haven't changed my name or anything. I don't have any ID with that on it. You don't have a picture of you with your Walk of Fame star or plaque? No, Carl. I don't have a picture with my Walkerfame star. So I had to – so not only that, I haven't changed my address on my driver's license or anything. So I'm giving them an ID that's got a different name on it, a different address, and they're just going, what is this?

Who is this for? And also because my name on my driver's license is Thomas and the name on the thing is Tommy. And they're like, these are two completely different names as well. How did you work that out? Tom's short for Thomas. And they're like, these are two completely different names as well. Yeah. How did you work that out? Tom's short for Thomas. And they're like, what? No, these are two different words. I'm like, are you kidding me?

Have you never encountered the long form of – so anyway, it just went on and on. And look, to be honest, I was a bit of an arsehole about it when it's totally – it's not. Like, the woman's just doing her job. Like, that's – I was just way too hungover to fucking cope with it. And that's what con people do is have lots of different job. Like, that's... I was just way too hungover to fucking cope with it. And that's what con people do, is have lots of different names. Well... And if you...

I mean, it would be dodgy if you had another ID which had Tommy Daslow on it, but you had, like, a big handlebar moustache and a ponytail and faded sunglasses, like some 70s serial killer on the run. So I had to... So I ended up having to... Like, I was just getting really frustrated by it, and I'm like, look, I know what the package is for. Like, it's for this gig. If there's a sender on the back, I can tell you the guy's name and where it's from.

And I'm, like, saying, look, it's, they're like, why is it a different name? I'm like, it's a stage name. It's showbiz, baby. I'm performing. It's for, the stuff in the package is for a show that I'm doing. Yeah. You know, it's just a different name that I use. And she's like, how do we know that, like, how do we know that that's true?

How do we know that you're not just making that up? And there was a split second where I considered going, I've got my iPod on me. I can play you an episode of my podcast where we discuss the whole thing. Have you got some speakers out the back? I'll call my friend Carl. We'll sort this whole thing out right now. 40 minutes later, after hearing them in the background laughing and going, yay.

Yeah, and then I walk out with the package. I heard that Robert Zimmerman, aka Bob Dylan, does that all the time. He has to bring around his best of when he's at the post office. Well, because I've got CDs of my stand-up made that I just recently got the physical copies of, and I had to go home to grab, just try and find a bill or something that had the address on it. And then the CD has my name on it, and I had to go home to grab, just try and find a bill or something that had the address on it. Yeah. And then the CD has my name on it, and it's got a picture of me on the back. I'm like, do I take this down?

This is just insane that this is what I've come to. They're playing the CD in the shop as well. See? You can hear it. Yeah. They're busting it out. And I'm doing the jokes along to it. It's definitely me. See?

It's definitely the same voice. It's the same guy. We're just a real weird fan yeah like one of those michael jackson fans has had the plastic surgery and the uh yeah oh yeah i reckon there are some out there who just want to look like yeah definitely i had a similar thing a bit different i after my i hate him i love him this is the same it's not at all but um i'm hopefully i'll get better get better as it goes along, hopefully. No, I once, after doing Rove, I did a gig back in Perth. When I was on Rove, I was probably the last comics on it.

I remember Rove came up and said, this guy was one of the best people you've ever had. Was it like casting you to get up and shake your hand afterwards? I shook my hand and touched my taint. And this is the bit you'll be playing in the post office when you get into trouble. Yeah, it's the bit I pop out. But someone came up after I did a gig back in Perth and goes, hey, that was awesome, but that antique roadshow bit, someone's already done that.

I went, what? Yeah, I saw them on Rove. And I was like, that was me. And then they went, no, it wasn't. Like, they didn't even believe it was me. You look nothing like the guy that was on Rove and I was like, that was me. And then they went, no, it wasn't. Like, they didn't even believe it was me. You look nothing like the guy that was on Rove. No. The camera adds 10 pounds.

Adds 10 pounds of hair. Of hair. It's a good visual gag for the listeners. I've just got this massive afro on TV. This huge freaking afro. A hair doesn't look like hair on TV, so don't worry about that. It'd be great if they filmed it with those PlayStation eye toy cameras where it brings you up on the screen.

You can put crazy shit around you, so it's like you're in a fish tank. Yeah, or I've got a little pipe with bubbles coming out of it, like fish going around the top of my head. What's the deal with being 10,000 leagues under the sea? Am I right, everyone? Yeah. Maybe that's an emergency thing. If the comic's not going well, quick, bring out the eye toy.

Have a little puppy walk past it and start licking the screen. Aww. It's adorably unfunny. And then those pop-up facts. Remember the old pop-up facts? Oh, yeah. Pop-up video. Boing. Xavier's not doing very well at the moment. If you can just read this instead.

Boing. He wasn't actually down the shops yesterday at all. This happened months ago. He may look like he's got hair on TV, but he don't. So Rove, let's talk about Rove for a second. So you were one of the last comics on Rove. You were the last comic. Well, no, still, that's actually one of those things that MC started to say.

I think, to put it on record, that there was an episode where they tried to break a record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had about eight. No, they had like three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The most guests. They had about eight stand-up. No, they had like three or four do a minute each. A minute each. But the thing is, I am the last one to do the official stand-up spot. Those guys just jumped up quickly and all did like 10 seconds. And they're idiots.

Oh, yeah. They're idiots. I've heard a lot of MCs post you doing that. Yeah. They bring you up as, he's the last guy to do stand-up on Rove, so he killed it. Yeah. He killed Rove, and then Rove was cancelled too. Exactly.

He was like, what a curious way to introduce someone. I know, I know. To give them probably the best sort of, I guess, one of the best stand-up media credits that you could have in this country. Yeah. But then it just shit all over you. I know, I know. It's sort of, what is an audience meant to think about?

To be honest, I would have used that. Yeah, well. But it's, I know, it's unfair. It's the only thing I could take away from Ro was now to have something for people to say when I'm brought on stage. If I go down, I'm taking you with me. God damn it. It's bullshit. So was it exciting?

Like, you know, that's the – well, that was the spot on Australian TV to do stand-up. Yeah. So now there sort of officially isn't at the moment, but that's the goal for a stand-up, to do that four or five minutes or whatever. So how was it? Did you get really nervous beforehand? Oh, I was freaking out.

But at the same time, I kept saying to myself, this is the one thing you've always wanted to do. Yeah. Like, you should try and enjoy this in any way you can, even though I was so scared. And it was also, though, like, everyone's totally prepped. You've never had an audience so prepped, ready to laugh. Like, literally, someone's prepped them for you.

I walked out before, and Rove introduced me to them, like, off camera. So we'd sort of, like, because they already love Rove heaps. So then he's sort of going, this guy's okay. And they're like, oh, he's okay. And also, the funny thing was, everyone kept calling me, sir, he's okay. And also the funny thing was everyone kept calling me sir because no one knew my name. So anyone who was like all the PAs and everyone who'd come along, they'd go, hi, sir, just come over here.

Thanks, sir. Just stand here, sir. Do you want a drink, sir? And it was sort of cool, but also you call me sir because you have no fucking idea who I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mate, muscles. Muscles?

You want to stand over here, muscles? Hey, hey, muscles. Come over, stand over here. Two years ago, I did gigs at the Falls Festival, which is actually going to lead me into something that I wanted to ask you about. Yeah, sure. So I did my gig, and then I think on the 31st, me and my friend who I'd taken as a guest,

we just got absolutely chopped, and we're just running around backstage, just reveling in the whole, we're backstage at the music festival. And just me going up to the guys and going, hey, man, what are you here doing? And him going, oh, I'm here with this band. Oh, cool, man, what do you do? Do you like their roadie or whatever? He's like, I'm in the band. I'm like, oh, cool, man, what do you do?

Do you play drums or the bass? He's like, yeah, I'm the lead singer. I'm like, yeah, I'd better go now before I fuck you off anymore. Just no idea what I'm doing. Jeez. Because I'm doing it again this year., just no idea what I'm doing. Jeez. But that, because I'm doing it again this year. I'm doing both. I'm doing Lawn and Tasmania.

And I've only done, in the past, I've only done Lawn. And you did it last year. I did. I did. And how did you find the experience? Because there's a, it's a, to try and set it up, it is in an environment that you would think is generally not the best place for stand-up to be, at a music festival in the middle of the day.

And I've seen people have great gigs, but I've also seen some horror stories. Well, I was going to say, you might be the only person who's asked back to do it because from what I hear, you're one of the few people that got up there and did a good job. Right. Because, and this isn't hanging shit any other comics. Yeah. The perfect comedy room is a small area where people all sit close together and it's dark

and you have the one light on the comics so everyone knows to look in one direction and there's hopefully not too much sound around them distracting people from the one person and a microphone talking. Yeah. While the Falls Festival or any of those sort of things is tough because it is a big open space.

There are sounds from other bands, people booing and having a great time over there, and it's really not made for it. But at the same time, it doesn't mean it's completely impossible. The reason I think they book it is because it is a nice break between bands. Yeah, and they generally put it on early in the afternoon. They put it early in the afternoon, and people do come down to specifically see it. But the same, the best thing about the Tassie gig,

after I finished doing that one, I was spent the whole day just listening to bands having a great time. Yeah. And I thought that the Tassie one was even worse because there was just

more people were shouting and it was ridiculous. Yeah. So many people came up and said, oh man, that was great. Yeah, I saw it. And I'm going,

what, are you serious? You know the weird thing where you had drunk people kind of half heckling you up the front. Yeah. But still being really good about it like loving it

like that and that's when you sort of go I think that's what they thought the show was it was a bit of fuck you're a fuckhead that's a great joke yeah

fuck you do more do more comedy you're fucked do another joke cut fucking stab you you're funny it was really

it was really like that it really was it was the weirdest thing and just they were right up the front leaning on the barricade. Like, there could not have been more in your face. Oh, man.

It was just the bizarrest thing. And, yeah. Something unprecedented has happened. For the first time in Little Dum Dum history, we're going to be joined by a second guest for the hour. Xavier, I hope you don't mind. I really do mind. This is the first time it's happened.

Obviously, you sat down and went, Xavier's just going to be the weakest. Is this what happened halfway through your row spot? Just brought out Arch Barker. Arch came out and goes, Dory, I'll take care of this for you. And took care of it. Ladies and gentlemen,

friend of the show and our first guest is in the area and has decided to pop in. Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Cody. Hi, Mark. He's back. He's come back. How's this going to work? Four Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Cody. Hey, mate. He's back. He's come back. How's this going to work? Four people.

Jeez, it's cramped in here. Oh, it is. Chandler and Cody are sharing a mic like they're doing some kind of like, you know, when you see people just rocking out at concerts and they're both just like up on the same mic. The Saved the World song. Yep. Can you guys do it back to back?

Yeah. Like lean in back to back. Yeah. Well, I've got some other bad geek stories. Uh-huh. I bet you'd have a lot. Yeah. Like, lean in back to back. We're flying V. Yeah. Well, I've got some other bad geek stories. Uh-huh. I bet you'd have a lot. Oh. Yeah, because your mum was there that night.

Oh, Xavier. What? I'm trying to wrap up. See what I got called in. See what I got called in. Cody will take it from here. Shave your head, Cody. I saw the little dum-dum signal.

And I knew a podcast someone was being ruined. Which is just a silhouette in the sky of someone throwing shit at someone else. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's like a hand scooping poo out of its own hands. Well, Sav, you had some stuff happen on the way in, I believe. The way you said it to us as you turned up. Oh, you said, save it, save it, straight away. No, because you turned up and you went,

geez, I didn't really have much, and then I got the tram in here, and then stuff happened, and that's what it, save it straight away. No, because you turned up and you went, geez, I didn't really have much, and then I got the tram in here and then stuff happened and that's what I've got to talk about. No, it wasn't stuff happened. I just started remembering all the stories, which you don't remember off the top of your head. Yeah. So these are some bad gig ones.

I might tell the story which I told on Monday night at the Splendid Christmas Party. Sure. Which is the fact... Did you see that? I didn't see it. No, I was busy getting drunk. This is the... I used to have a gag back in the day. It's the Fat... Did you see that? I didn't see it. No, I was busy getting drunk. This is the...

I used to have a gag back in the day. It's the Fatboy Slim gag. All right? Yeah. And basically I'd say to people, Fatboy Slim songs are all the same. All you do is you get a phrase, you repeat it,

you add a beat, that's a Fatboy Slim song. Someone give me a phrase, I'll make a Fatboy Slim song right here. So give me a phrase, Tommy. Anything, a couple of words. How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody?

How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? How good is Nick Cody? And that's... That's what that was. So I don't do that gag anymore. He should come on to that.

That's quite good. I've got a new ringtone. I've got a new ringtone. I do it off stage with the microphone. Someone give me a phrase. What? So basically, I never do that joke anymore because I was doing a corporate gig. So I was doing a corporate gig.

This gig wasn't going well. These corporate gigs are usually quite hard because it's just you and 10 businessmen in a lecture theater or something somewhere trying to do some jokes for them. And they're just usually, not always, but sometimes they're just not into it. So these people weren't getting into it. And I thought, okay, it's time to bring out the big guns. It's time to bring out Fatboy Slim. So I go, hey, anyone here like Fatboy Slim?

Nothing. Someone give me a phrase. I'll make a Fatboy Slim song right now. Nothing. Until finally someone shouts out, you're pathetic. song right now nothing to finally someone shouts out you're pathetic i go you're pathetic you're pathetic and that's why i don't hear that joke at all that and fat boy slim hasn't released a song in 10 years saturn has been two generations since that have never heard of him.

Yeah. You need to have a new, what would the new one be? If you can work out how to make your voice do auto-tune. Well, if I could do that, I wouldn't be here right now. Yeah. I would be just... Or you'd at least be in more tune. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should auto-tune the show, parts of the show. How good would that be? Auto-tune a Hey Mate. Hey, mate! So is that like Cher's song, Believe? That's auto-tune. Do you believe? Hey, mate!

Yeah, yeah. I love that's Carl's most recent reference to auto-tune. After the years and years of music. So is that like Cher? A Paul Kanye West auto-tuned album. Yeah. Anything by T-Pain just goes straight past Kyle Chandler. I'm aware of all of them, but I just go straight to the stuff I like.

Sure. Oh, I don't know if that's something you should admit. That not only do you like Cher, but you're going to ignore all the good songs she did in the 70s. It was a joke, Xavier. There are no jokes in this movie. No, usually people laugh after jokes. And that's why

they called your spot on Rover song. Let's just go back and forth with this. People lit lighters and wave them around. That's what your mum told me last night. Nothing. I'm sorry. She also said, that's pathetic.

So what happened on the tram, mate? Basically, I'm just angry because I was sure I saw a tram there. It was one of those things where it's on the other side, other corner of the intersection. So I had to run through some traffic to get to it. And that would piss people off. It's dangerous. You shouldn't do

it. But if I've done that, I've risked my life to get onto a tram. And the tram driver just moves off. Just drives off. And I'm banging on it, trying to get on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And all I'm saying is they should have a meeting every year where they get all the tram drivers, sit them down, and just say, okay, remember everyone, your job is to

stop and pick people up. Yeah. Because honestly, that's the only thing they're supposed to do and they can't even do that. Yeah. They don't have to steer. No. They just push a pedal and then it goes. Push a pedal and then stop and then people get on and they keep going.

Occasionally, they have to pull out that little thing and change what track they're going to go on. That's true. Yeah, exactly. I'd love to give that a go. It's a bold move. It's fun. And occasionally, they just give up and say, everyone, get on. That's true. Yeah, exactly. I'd love to give that a go. It's a bold move. And occasionally they just give up and say,

everyone, get on the one behind you. I'd love to know why they do that. Is it because the tram driver, like, it's such a boring job, they just give up eventually and go, I can't handle this anymore. Everyone just get off. I had one McGregor's driving the tram. I had one the other day where he turned the wrong way. What?

Yeah, he went the wrong way. They came to like a T section, and he went the wrong way, and everyone on the tram just looks at each other going, why are we going the wrong way? Then he, about 50 metres in, he realises it, stops the tram, and then comes back into the tram and goes, hey, I know what happened, guys, okay? I know what I've done, all right? So I'm going to fix it.

Here we go. And he goes back to fix it, and then he realizes he cannot fix it, and all he's doing is stuffing up traffic from both ways, and we're just sitting on this massive roadblock in the middle of all this traffic with people honking at us both sides, and we're like, this wasn't our choice. We've been taken the wrong way. And then he just goes, okay, everyone off while I figure out what I'm going to do. I've been taken the wrong way.

And then he just goes, okay, everyone off while I figure out what I'm going to do. And then we all got off and walked, like 50 people walked up the middle of the road to the next tram stop. I had one where the tram just stopped. Something was wrong with it. But the tram driver didn't, like, come out and say, hey, everyone, it's broken down. We have to get on to the next one. He got off, stood outside. The tram stop, everyone's looking around. And the first thing he did is he went up and there was a little coin machine for parking,

a little parking meter on the side. He started checking that for change. That's the first thing he did. And then the only person who told us was the van came up to fix it, and he goes, yeah, it's broken, get off. And we went, well, why didn't he tell us that? Did he also say, is there any money in that? He's already done that, yeah.

Check the ticket machine. Yeah. Well, this is what happened on the way in today. I had, like, you know, obviously, Trams are well known as being, you know, crazy transport machines. There was one. They're just always just flying around. No, no, no.

I mean crazy. Sorry. I mean crazy people. Crazy people transport machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a person. I don't know what was wrong with him. He had some sort of tick or Tourette's or whatever it was

But I just, you doing your voices, your little voices before Made me think of this Your little spoof that you just did My little skits Your little comedy company thing over there that you're doing You were doing Uncle Arthur, weren't you, or whatever So, there was this guy So much respect

Can you fix the lights, mate? This guy, he was like, he obviously had something wrong with him, but he was almost doing a bit of character comedy. If he had been doing it on purpose, it would have been quite funny, but he obviously wasn't. But it turns out it was almost like him arguing with himself because he'd have a bit of Tourette's and then he'd have a bit of clean-up. He was sitting there and this is all he did the whole way.

He was going, are you available? Yeah, okay, right. Are you available? Yeah, okay, nice one. Are you available? Okay, thanks. Yep, yep. Are you available?

No, yes, okay, good one. I know you make fun of my little skits, but I have to say, you should add that to your repertoire. That's one of the best jokes you've come up with in years. I was going to say, are you available? Well, I was going to say, that sounds like you and me rolled into one person. I had a friend from America out here, this was a few years ago now, and we got the train down to St Kilda, and we had a driver who was getting on the intercom

and throwing gags out about stuff we'd drive past. I like that. My American friend was loving it. I'm like, this is a pretty rare occurrence. And then we've gone around a tight corner, and the tram's jerked a bit, and everyone's nearly fallen over. And then there's just a few second signs,

and then you hear him come over the intercom and go, how good was that? That's the best thing. That's one of the best things. I think every time you get a tram driver or a train driver that's into a bit of that, you just see everyone in the tram or train turn around and look at each other like, this is going to be all right. It brings everyone together, doesn't it?

It's like a moment. Yeah, which is the complete opposite to most tram drivers. The only thing they say is, Can I sell this next outfit? What? Sorry? Why did you even bother doing that? No one knows.

You know what I hate? You know what? That sounds a lot like sure. One of the first times I came to Melbourne, because I'm not from Melbourne, but this is what I did. I came down for an interview for uni and I really didn't know how trains and trams worked.

And I came down, and I took a tram out to, like, Monash. Wait, wait, wait. On the level of electricity? I don't know how trains or trams work, so it was tough to get to my interview for a university. I'm just picturing you coming down in, like, a pair of overalls with no shirt underneath, a bit of straw hanging out of your mouth.

A pig under one arm. That's all there is to eat in the country, just that straw. I don't know why. But we all eat it. Yeah, so I come down. I get on this tram. I'm going out to Caulfield. And it's really early in the morning.

And it gets to like Caulfield or wherever I need to get off. And it's a full train. And I realize I've gone up to the door and just stood there thinking it's going to automatically open. I'm just standing there going, yep, this will open in a minute, and I'll just do a bit of walking, and oh, the train's moving. All right, good. And we just moved on to the next station, and I realized that the whole train's looked at me going, yeah, dickhead.

So we've gone to the next stop, and I realized that the whole train's looked at me going, yeah, dickhead. So we've gone to the next stop and I'm like, oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. And then I've got off the train and gone, well, the only logical response I could do now is get off the train here and just walk along the train tracks back to the last train station. So that's what I did. I walked on the train tracks. What?

Like a one-man version of Stand By Me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I just walked all the way back and trains were going past and I'm like, yep, just up from the country. And you got to your job interview but there was no one there, just a dead body which you poached with a stick. Yeah.

Peter Sutherland beat the crap out of you. Yep. And then I grew up to be River Phoenix and I died. Oh, too soon. There is something, I've done that before, walking down the tram tracks. You feel so lawless. You feel like a fucking... I feel like I should have a dog and a knapsack.

What? Like a hobo. Yeah, like a hobo. Okay, right. But a dog in it. No, a dog and a knapsack. I don't think it's a dog and a knapsack. No.

Is that what hobos do? They capture dogs. Yeah, and carry them. Because they're so jobless that they don't realise the dogs have legs. That sounds like a delicious treat that you get from a bakery. You know how they've got frog in a pond? Dog in a knapsack. Dog in a knapsack.

What would that be? I thought that might have been one of your sexual moves again, the old dog in a knapsack. Dog in a knapsack. Are you going to be into this? The old dog in a knapsack? Get your knapsack out, me mongrels ready to go. Has anyone ever said this?

I reckon all those weird sexual practices with their special names is someone covering up for their weird thing. Like they start doing that and the girl's like, what the crap? And it's like, oh no, this is the naughty turtle. This is perfectly fine. Because once something has a funny name, then it seems legit. It seems okay. My favourite is coming up with the names and then trying to name, then it seems legit. Yeah. It seems okay. My favourite is coming up with the names

and then trying to work out what it would be. Yeah. Basically, I reckon the formula is you take a location and then you put, like, an item. So, like, the Swedish parking meter. Oh, yeah. Stuff like that. Yeah.

My one, do you know my one? I knew you were going to have something to fight me with. Here we go. The Greek up the butt. Hey, if you're going to be sexual, get closer to the mic. Please. Try and figure this one out. Yeah Greek up the butt. Hey, if you're going to be sexual, get closer to the mic. Please. Try and figure this one out. Yep.

Nana knows best. Is that when you suck off your granddad? That's called fun at Christmas. It's Christmas, okay. But you do it in a nose? No, no. Nana knows best. Nana knows best.

I don't... And it relates to the name. Yeah. It relates to the name. You had sex with her in a room with World War II memorabilia? Yeah, you get a doily stuffed up your ass. No, what it is, it's weird. Oh, no, no, no.

After you finish, the girl says, that was better back in my day. Yeah, you fuck her and then she gives you 20 bucks as a birthday present. You have sex in black and white. Then he's like, what do you think of that, dame? Lights out for you, see? When she sucks on your penis,

you pop in a Werther's Original. I've got no idea. I've got no idea. I've got no idea. That would be more of a grandfather thing. Geez, we're giving it a red hot go, aren't we? Oh, we really are. What else could there be? At least I now know that there's a Nana Knows Best 2.

Nana knew best. Nana knows some dirty shit. Yeah, what is it? I'm dying to know. Nana knew best. Nana knows some dirty shit. Yeah, what is it? I'm dying to know. Nana knows best. You sit in the bath for three hours until your fingers go wrinkly and then you jerk off. It's not as bad as I thought. Guys, we were way off.

We were way off. That's quite wholesome, really. Why would you have a name for that? Why does there need to be a name for that? That's like a lot of them. Why are you saying, Carl, that you do it so often? You never have them named that? You just do it.

It's just Tuesday afternoon. This reminded me of a classic story that you told me about a mate of yours who's a bit of a heavy drinker about him coming home from a buck stew, was it? Yeah, we went to a buck stew and he's quite a good drunk. He gets crazy. And that was not where I got really crazy. And then he told me his story the next day. And what he'd done was he – it was a Bucks night.

We'd had a lot, a lot, a lot of shots. So you get to a different level of drunk. And what he did was he got home. He started going home. On his way home, he started seeing parties. And so he started going into these parties and just trying to mix in and just taking drinks and eating food and going up to people and then when someone would suss him out he would just run out and so when he eventually got home he was so drunk that uh

this is what his girlfriend said the next day that he walked in and she was like what are you doing you better come to bed and he's like no watch. And then just walked into the spare room and she followed him in and he'd got behind the wardrobe. He was like scrunching behind the wardrobe, clawing at the walls. And she was like, what are you doing? He's like, I've got an exam. I've got to get to the exam. My exam on platform nine and three quarters.

I had one of the worst hangovers ever. When I was 18, it was the first time I'd been to a bar to just drink properly. And I went to Crown. There used to be a comedy night at Odeon at Crown. And I went along there with a friend of mine, and it was $2 pots of Stella. Now, being the white trash kids from Werribee that we were, we paid the waitress $30 to stand behind us with a tray of Stella pots, so we didn't even have to get up.

Just living large, you know. Sort of like what happened in Scarface. Just a couple of classy gentlemen on the town. Go through all these pots. On the way, my dad has to pick me up in the city. I start throwing up on the freeway. He goes, get out. I'm hanging out of the car.

He's got me by the back of my jeans. I'm vomiting as we go down the freeway. He throws me on the lawn when we get home. My mum comes out with a hose at two in the morning and just washes me off. That's what you get for that. Just spray me with the hose mid of May, frees my balls off. The next day I go into work, I used to work in an office on Lonsdale Street. I last 15 minutes at work, head down to Flagstaff Station to catch a train back home. There's about four people on the entire platform. One of them is a kid with Down syndrome who might be like 15, 16, and he's going to the

other people on the platform, and he's giving them the gladiator, you know you hold the thumb out straight and then you give them thumbs up or thumbs down? Everybody gets a thumbs up. He gets to me and just two thumbs down. Jeez. Which is the sign of a hangover. That's one of my favorite things ever, apart from, yeah, tram drivers talking, doing jokes on the tram or whatever.

Down syndrome kids giving thumbs up. No, number three. Number two is, have you ever done that where you drive along like Punt Road or you drive along a highway and you can see, like say on a Sunday morning and someone is spewing out of their car? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.

Car much is good. I like that. I love it when it's someone who's dressed up really nice. If it's like a girl who's really just dressed up the best she could, and then the taxi pulls over, and she gets out, and she's just vomiting on the street. Yeah. This isn't how you planned it, was it, love? Yeah.

Yeah. No, the worst hangover I've, the last worst hangover I ever had was when I went to a friend's Bucks night. They had it at a shipping yard. It was just a place where they built boats in Fremantle. We know shipping yards. Yeah. Well, you don't know how trams work. Can you not...

I don't need to explain anything about industry or transport. Yeah, never assume we're Chandler. Can you not come on here and underestimate the intelligence of our listeners, please? No, I'm explaining it to you guys. I'm the listeners of RIDER. The listeners are five stories ahead of us on this show. No, so I was at a shipping yard, and it was one of those ones where I was a little bit

nervous at the beginning of the night. I really wasn't getting too much into it until I finally brought out the bike with the rope, which you had to ride off a pier into the water. So you'd ride the bike, the rope would go taut, the bike would get pulled back, and you'd go into the water. Oh, nice. So once I did that, like, go and do it, Xavier, that sort of gave me this gusto to just get so drunk that by the end of the night, there were fires out, which they built.

I was standing in front of the fire. I passed out on the fire. The side of my face, my cheek, just here, got burnt. Someone had to kick me off the fire. Two-face style. That's why you're always flipping coins now. It all makes sense. That's why I've got such a weird method of justice.

If someone heckles me, I flip a coin and I throw them from a 12-story building. Am I going to do the fat boy slim bit? Yes, I am. Anyway, and so I fell in the fire and I burnt the side of my cheek. And luckily one of the guys there was like a circus performer, so he had a little tool for you. That's the first time that's ever been said, by the way. Luckily someone there was a circus performer.

Is there a circus performer in the room? He lit another three people on fire and shuffled them all. Quickly, everyone. There needs to be three things in the air at the same time. Can anyone in this room help us out? I didn't feel like such a loser anymore because three other people are on fire. And one of them's a juggler. One of them's a juggler.

And then literally they patched me up and they just wrapped me in a sleeping bag because I was so drunk. They just had to wrap me up in this thing and just put me in the corner. And I woke up the next morning and it was those double hangovers. I woke up and go, oh, I'm so hungover, and touch the side of my face and go, oh, what the fuck? And then I had this massive burn there. And now it's just like a little brown mark.

I don't know if you guys can see it. We should put this on the website. You've had a lot of work done. I've had a lot of work done. I used to look a lot different. I can't see it now, but I did notice it when you were on Rove. Yeah. Because it was slightly higher definition in real life.

Well, no, that was back when I had hair and the hair was burnt off. That was another hard story. The drunkest I've ever been. You and Stephen were riding that horrible fire that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was 18 and I was at a house party and the girl having the house party was a girl I'd hooked up with once and I was like, yeah, I'm going to make some magic happen. So I've turned up and gotten way too drunk, like properly drunk, and was in a room about to make out with her.

And then I've gone, oh, this is going to happen and vomited. But I vomited into a pair of her shoes that were next to her bed. And in my defense, my thinking was I don't want to vomit on a carpet and I'll vomit into something. I don't want to vomit on a carpet and head out to the clean that I'll vomit into something but as it turned out I later found out that it was um a really expensive pair of shoes that I'd vomited into and her floor was just like that polished floorboard so I just would have mopped straight off and then I set that bitch on fire um but yeah I uh I love that when I've had friends who've done that where they go into a bathroom and there's a toilet there, but they get the bin in the bathroom, empty it and vomit into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you're so drunk. Yeah. You don't even have any understanding. Just no clue. And my mates, my friend's dad gave us a lift home and I was in the backseat with my friend and I'm just like passed out. And my friend's like, it's okay, buddy. We're going to be home soon. And then I look up at him.

He's like, we're nearly at your house. And then I look up at him and I go, how are you getting home, man? It's like we're in his fucking dad's car. Like, how do you think he's getting home, you fuckhead? It's just good to be out. Hey, so Nick Cody, speaking of buck stews and the like, you, the last time we had you on, which was our first episode, we were talking about you were going over to Thailand. I did.

And you were getting very excited. And how did it go? Have you got anything to report from the front line? Nothing as exciting as I thought it would. It was a crazy place. Well, thanks for popping in. Yeah, that's all, guys. I'm out.

No, no, no. I checked out a few different ping pong shows just to make sure I was going to see the right one. Not a lot of ping pong-related stunts, though. Really? That's what I was more upset by. They've moved on to other items? Yeah. A chick played a harmonica with her pussy,

which I thought Michael Connell's been running comedy classes over in Who Cares? A bit of Contra. Yeah, there was one, oh, I got bought on stage and I got dacked by a ladyboy. Yeah. Because I did put my hand up because there was a girl who was shooting darts out of her box and popping balloons that people were holding in their mouth. So I wanted in on that sweet action. Why not?

I've caught every other sort of disease. Wonder what one I can get from a hooker dart. Did you do gear? Did you get up and do some jokes? No. That'd be funny. That'd be the only way to let you get dacked. Just like, better bring out the big guns.

So I used to have a spot there on my penis? I'd been drinking for four days in a let you get dacked? It's like, they're bringing out the big guns. I was... So I used to have a spot there on my penis. That's actually from... I'd been drinking for four days in a row, and they dacked me, and I was, yeah, not in a good state. Yeah. Nothing to be proud of. Well, because when we had you in here, we were debating whether or not there would be a male equivalent of the ping pong show. Did you encounter any such thing?

No, just creepy looking dudes in wigs. Right. But there's no guy. Some guy had, it was clearly a dildo because it was an Asian dude who was packing like 11. Like, that's not happening. He had like a robe type thing over it. No, no, no.

But the dick was like brown. So it was clear, like just the skin contrasted and it just didn't make any sense, right? What did it taste like? His trick was just holding a bag full of bananas on his dick. What? But it was like tied around, how do I explain it? Like, imagine like a little felt skirt type thing. He had one of those on, but then there was like a hole in the front

where this dick was coming out, which just screams prop. And then his move was to carry a bag of fruit on there. I'm sorry, I know it's because there's other stuff going on, but Carl, just halfway through that story, started yawning, which is a very human instrument. Oh, old hat. Because he's nestled right up against Cody at the moment, just, oh, bag of bananas on the dick, whatever. Boo, boring.

We've seen it all before. Nothing major happened. I rode an elephant. That was fun. Did you fuck it? I did. Right in the face. Did you fuck it? I did. Right in the face. Did it shoot you out of its vagina?

What colour was its penis? Was he wearing a dildo? Just a very odd night. Yeah. The ping pong show. Oh, she blew out candles on a birthday cake. There was a few different tricks. With her vagina?

With her vagina. Because I'd love it if after all these insane things, she just walks over and goes, and my ender blows her mouth. I wonder if she does kid shows and that all just happens with her mouth, so she's then spitting ping pong balls out of her mouth for kid shows.

For kid shows. The generated version. The generated version is just that. Yeah. And then she sticks around and the kids leave the room and the parents go, now we want the good stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the real thing. Let's go downtown. The guy comes out with a dildo in his mouth. No. I just bailed on that. Just eats a bag of bananas. Just eats some bananas.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Sorry, kids, when you're 18, this will make a lot more sense. This is risky because the potassium content in bananas could give me radiation. Wow. Hey, so, clearly, as listeners will be able to work out from this conversation, we're four men who are all quite immature.

Yeah. Is that fair? And I've briefly touched on this last week. I have got a really specific sense of humor. Like, I find stuff funny that no one else does. But I had a nice moment where recently, where for once in my life, I kind of synced up with strangers on something that I thought was funny. So it was a couple of weeks ago, me and my girlfriend went to see the latest Harry

Potter film, right? And you know the jokes in those kind of films are always kind of a bit lame, like they're sort of a bit naff and other people in the cinema are laughing and I'm just like, oh, whatever. Anyway, there was this one point where one of the characters rocks up and they found something that they've all been looking for. He goes, oh, I found the thing, whatever it is, the amulet. And he pulls it out of his pocket. And as he's pulled it out of his pocket, some guy had left his phone on and his message tone has gone off.

So as this character pulls it out and goes, oh, I found the amulet, there was a sound in the theater of bling bling bling. And I just thought that was fucking hilarious. I've just lost my shit at how funny that was. Later on, there's a bit where they're at someone's house and then he goes to make a cup of tea and as he's making the cup of tea, they walk in the room and he's kind of

obscured partially behind a wall and he's kind of moving his arms but because the wall's blocking what's going on, it looks like he's wanking off. Now, me and my girlfriend have seen that, and we've laughed, and then a couple down the front right of the cinema have also laughed, and a couple up the back left of the cinema have also laughed. Both of these two things.

We were the only six people in the cinema that laughed, and then later on there's, God, what is it? It was just a line that sounded like a sexual innuendo, like a really juvenile sexual innuendo. I can't remember what the term is. Nana knows best? Yeah, no, that was right. It was something like...

Nana knows best. Dog in a knapsack? No, it was something about a wand and it's like, it's only 10 inches but it can do a lot of good. And then, again, me and my girlfriend laughed and these other two couples on the opposite sides of the cinema laughed. And I've never had that before where I'm laughing at juvenile things and it's complete strangers.

It was like part of me felt like just standing up at the end and going, hey, the other two who are laughing at those things, can we all, like, swap numbers and hang out? Like, let's get a key party going. I reckon the six of us would really get on. I remember when I went and saw Metallica's some kind of monster documentary about Metallica

yeah it was playing in like in Lunar and WA which is like the alternative cinema which there's an equivalent here like just those

alternative cinemas which play foreign like Nova or yeah Keno Hoyts Melbourne Central Hoyts Melbourne Central yeah so alternate

so different so they were everyone in their audience is packed with Metallica fans, but before they're showing trailers for foreign films and local films which have got real heart and soul. There's this one trailer that's going on. It's like, will I ever learn to love again?

All this sort of stuff. And my friend Jethro just shouts out at the end that the title comes out and he just goes, boring! And he was like, that's just knowing your audience so well. He just goes, yeah. What's your friend's name again? Jetro. Jetro.

Jetro. Not Jethro? No. Jetro. Is that a nickname? No, no, no. He's from Chile. Is he from the future?

He's from the future. Yeah. I've got some friends from the future. Jetto. Jetto. Jetsy. Jetswa. J some friends from the future. Jetto. Jetto. Jetsy. Jetswa. Jetswa.

Sharks and jets. When I did my first gig, my parents came along. This was in Rockingham. This place called Swinging Pig. It's called Swinging Pig in Rockingham. Is it what the name of the bar or the comedy night was called? The name of the bar was the Swinging Pig. Swinging Pig.

And is there like a toy pig hanging from the ceiling that's... Just swings. And it just puts you off. There's just this pig going... It seems like a bar in the deep south of America. It pretty much is. That's pretty much what Rockingham is. Rockingham, yeah.

Rockingham's like the... You've got family in Rockingham? No. Madura. Madura, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I used to go for holidays in Rockingham. It was weird. Anyway, my parents come down with me, and they're watching.

And the emcee is this guy called Tony Lassay. Tony, if you're out there, hi. But I'm just stating some facts right now. He gets up and has this joke, which is, there's nothing better than wanking into a sock. But there's nothing even better than wanking into a sock, watching the guy put his socks on afterwards. And so he does that.

That home run. That home run. Sorry, Tony. But my dad watches this, and on the drive home, he goes, now you see what that man, that MC, was doing tonight. You know that's not comedy. That's not what you should do. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, Dad.

My father was really worried. So then cut a couple of years in the future, and Tony Lesage running gigs. With Jetro. With Jetro. With Jetro. In the future. In the future. Ask any comic, even in Melbourne or anywhere,

and if they've done gigs for him and Tony owes them money. Okay? Right. So there is a guy. Can we edit that bit out as well? No, no, no, no, no. We can keep that bit in. All right.

So this diverts but goes right back to the story. This goes back. This looks like a diversion from the main story, but it's part of it. So there was a guy who used to come to a lot of gigs back in WA at the Brass Monkey. He was this lovely guy with long hair and a beard. He was recently put in jail for manslaughter because he, in his sleep, sleepwalked and murdered his parents. Jesus. I know, I know.

And it's really sad and tragic. If he's listening, my heart goes out to you because he was charged with manslaughter because the jury was like, well, he was sleepwalking, but he still killed his parents. He was charged with manslaughter. When you do that, you're not a big chance to get adopted, are you? No, not after that.

I don't like that his parents would be there because of the whole thing about you shouldn't wake up sleepwalking people because it'll really, like, fuck them up. He'd be there, like, jabbing a knife into your chest and be like, we can't wake him up! We can't wake him up! Tony, leave him alone. Just let him go.

And I love that Chandler thinks that this obvious adult is going to look for a dog. No, no, no. Obviously an adult is now looking for some more parents. So one of the comics from the Brass Monkey, Alex goes to visit this guy because he was asleep just because he killed someone he goes and visits him

and hangs out in the middle of the day I'm tipping at the prison at his house as sleepovers it can't happen twice the odds. It can't happen twice. The odds are it can't happen again. Even if it does, what a story.

I'm sorry if you are listening because we're now just making fun of your tragedy. But anyway... What sort of download limit do they get in jail these days? I think they've got full internet access there. All right. Yeah, he could easily be listening to this. Okay. So just be careful, Carl.

Just edit all the bits that I set out. Yeah. Anyway, so Alex goes to visit, and this guy says, Hey, Alex, do you know a dude? He says he's a comedy promoter. And you go, What's his name? Oh, Tony Lassay. Really?

The guy who was emceeing my first gig, and the guy who then ran gigs and now owes a lot of people money goes, yeah, yeah, he's in jail because he was blowing up ATMs all around Rockingham and now he's in jail. He once asked if he could be my agent and luckily I said no

because, well sadly because I could have been cleaning up sweet monies from ATMs. Xavier, we're going to go all the way to the bank and blow up the ATM. Blowing up ATMs is like a kind of Rocky and Bullwinkle fucking film level over time. No, no, no, this is the best bit. He was doing it with his son. Him and his son were blowing up ATMs together.

Right. I don't know if we can play this story, because this one then means that we could get knocked over. That is such a good plan. That plan could only have come from the future, from Jetro. Yeah, it was Jetro's plan. Wow plan could only have come from the future, from Jethro. Yeah, it was Jethro's plan. Wow. That is an intense story, Xavier. I know, I know.

I thought I'd bring out the big guns. Jeez. It's not so much a funny story, just an intense story. Carl made it funny. Carl made it funny. By ragging on some poor guy's misfortune. I think you can count on Carl. If you need to lighten up the mood, I'm getting a rare tumour cut out of my cheek

in about 10 days' time or something, and I went and met the oncologist yesterday, like the cancer dude. It's not cancer, it's a benign one. But I was so happy that finally I've met someone that has the right amount of arrogance for the level of knowledge that they have. So my first doctor that I saw

would just give me all these plain, boring facts. This is what we're going to do. This thing. This guy I met yesterday, he's like, we're going to cut a square out of your cheek. A lot of people worry when they hear that, but you shouldn't worry. Even though we're going to get close to these very important nerves in your cheek that control smiling and wincing, most people will worry. But I'm the head of head and neck cancer at the Royal Melbourne,

so it's going to be sweet. And I was like, this is exactly who I want. That's awesome, yeah. That's what you want. Like, someone just bragging about shit. And I said, oh, I heard the malignant one. So if you've got the cancer in this spot, there's like a 35% living rate. And this guy's like, yeah, with some people's patience, I'm up at like 92%, whatever.

I'm like, oh, legend. I've had sex eight times today. I'm a fucking hero. Let's get to the surgery. If there's one guy that knows how to cut meat out of people's faces, it's fucking me. I once saw a doctor. I made the mistake when I was younger of using a razor for too long to shave. I just used the same razor.

Oh, right. Okay. I thought you meant you were just shaving for like an hour until slabs of skin we're coming to stop you trying to get you good use out of all 12 blades yeah yeah so I just like that bald dude from predator just shaving all the time. I see you. Anyway, so I used it and I got this infection on my neck. It was this big horrible sort of like scab thing.

So I went in. It was gross. It was really gross. And I went in to see the bug fire. Should have burnt that off at the bug fire. The bug fire, I know. Should have thought ahead. Anyway, I go see the doctor and the doctor says, oh yeah, that's just a superficial skin infection.

That's the term, superficial skin infection, as in it's just on the surface. But I thought he was making a character judgment on me. Like, what are you doing here, loser? So superficial. It's just a skin infection. Stop wasting my time. It's good with cancer in their cheeks and urine here.

At the Falls Festival last year, I got a big, like, boil thing on my ear. Like, I was just sitting there with someone. They went, oh, my God, what is on your ear? And everyone started freaking out because it's your own ear. You can't see. I'm like, can someone shut up and tell me what's actually – what is actually on my ear? Because I'm presuming the worst.

Yeah, it was just like a big lump or whatever because I got – But you think it's like a giant tarantula that's laying eggs as they – Kind of, yeah, yeah. Pop like that. So I was like, oh, like, if it bops or whatever, it's you think it's like a giant tarantula that's laying eggs as kind of yeah yeah so i was like oh they're like if it bops or whatever it's going to be pretty crazy so you should get see if you can get some cream or something for it so i had to go i went to the medical tent which is just kind of weird because there's always people that have like passed out because they've dehydrated yeah yeah one guy had like cut his leg open on something and then i'm in there just going i have a boob-boo on my ear. And the nurse was like, yeah, I hate to be whatever, but what's going on? And she goes, just go and buy a hat.

See you, mate. Yeah, go and buy a hat. Is that her official medical opinion? That was it. I just got one of those goofy bucket hats that just... That was the same doctor as Cody had. Yeah, yeah, just so confident. I'm head of hat control at Melbourne.

Just get a bandana around your face. What are you kids all doing here at Ronald McDonald House? Go and get yourself a fucking visor. All right, guys, I think that brings us to the end of the hour, unless you guys have anything more you'd like to add. I've got like eight more stories. Well, we'll get you back in.

So we'll wrap that up right now. Cool. Yeah, we don't want to be, we don't want to have any more fucking true crime, unsolved mysteries. There are about crimes which, and a lot of them haven't been taken to court yet,

so it's a leave for me to talk about them. That's the answer. Xavier's been sponsored tonight by Victorian Police. Get these stories out there. Guys, thanks very much for listening. Merry Christmas to you. Thanks very much to Xavier Michaelides for being our guest and Nick Cody for dropping in.

Savings, Xavier. We'll see you next year. Merry Christmas. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate. See you, mate.