The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 98 - Tommy Dassalo

Episode Date: August 7, 2012

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Hey mates, welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thanks for listening once again. My name is Carl Chandler, I'm the host of the show and sitting opposite me in a continent, just across from me a little bit, is my guest for this week, Tommy Dasolo. Hello Governor. Now, you sound a little bit different this week, Tommy Dasolo. Hello, Governor. Now, you sound a little bit different this week, Tommy. What's going on there? Is there something wrong with your mic or what's going on?

I've had surgery to my voice box and it went horribly awry. Have you got one of those things that Cher had in that music video, in the Believe song? I don't know what that is, people. Gen Y doesn't know what that is, people. Gen Y doesn't know about Shirt. What a disgrace. Now, you are on the phone.

This is finally making it sound like a proper radio show or something. You know, when you talk to someone in another... You talk to John Michael Housen in LA and you're, what's going on? What's happening in Tinseltown, John? I was going to say, do proper shows normally have one of the hosts sounding like shit? Is that the thing? Yeah.

Well, so what the circumstances are, we're recording this, when it's convenient for me in Australia and not so convenient for you in England. Is that, that would be correct? Yeah. So let's say this, you know, doing a podcast is very much a labour of love. You know, we don't really, you know. We don't get paid to do this. We often have to sacrifice our own time to do it,

but this is a real test of that for me because not only is it 3 a.m., but I'm also spending my own money on the international phone call to phone into my own show to record it. So this is a real test of how much I care about doing this. We'll just dip into the dum-dum coffers. Just into all the T-shirts we've sold in the last two months. Hang on about that.

The finances department's just rung in. That's a different light on the phone than the one for the edit suite. That's a much redder light. So basically, I got over here and thought I was going to be back in time to do the next episode, and then that changed as soon as I got here. Now, what's happening is, we haven't really talked about this enough, I don't think. What's happening is you are working,

you're doing an ad, you did an ad for the Commonwealth Bank, we can say that, I think, because I think a lot of people have seen it and it's a fact. So a lot of our listeners, a lot of people on Facebook and Twitter have noticed you and in particular have heard you. I've heard a lot of reports coming in going, yeah, I wasn't watching the TV, I just heard and I could hear this. I thought KD Lang was doing a concert and I turn around, it's Tommy Daslow on TV on the Commonwealth Bank ad. There I am, minding my own business, doing a dump.

When what did I hear? I turn around and there's an inflatable consonant there talking at me. Now, mate, it's not inflatable and you know that. I will not have my art mocked in this way. How would I know it's not inflatable, and you know that. I will not have my art mocked in this way. How would I know it's not inflatable? I've never actually been in the presence of the sea. No, you've tried to remedy that several times. I have asked you several times to dress in the sea on the show.

That's my alarm going off. I'm going to go and sleep in and miss doing this. Hang on. Are you in the sea at've got to go and sleep in and miss doing this. Hang on. Are you in the sea at the moment? Do you sleep in it? Are you totally in character the whole time you're in London? Are you like Daniel Day-Lewis-ing it? I am contractually obliged to be in it at all times.

Do you even know you're Tommy Dasso anymore? Are you that wrapped up in the role of being the sea that that's all you're thinking of at the moment? These questions don't even really need answers. I can hang up on you now. I'll just keep going. We have enough. Thank you.

This feels, because I just realized that you're just sitting in a radio station by yourself. Like how much you must just feel like an insane kind of talkback host. And at the same time, me, I'm sitting on a couch in my underpants in a darkened apartment in the middle of the night calling in. Oh, look, not only that, I'm sitting by myself in a studio, right? Not only that, but I'm facing a clock.

Like there's a clock in the studio, right? The only that, but I'm facing a clock. Like, there's a clock in the studio, right? The clock is on hyper-extended fast-forward. It's like, you know when you see in movies where you see, you know, time passing and it goes, like, really fast? There's a clock on steroids at the moment that is going through an hour every eight seconds. That's me.

I got someone to do that for me just so this could be over with and I could go back to sleep. Well, I'm facing the clock, and so far it feels like we've been talking for 14 hours. It's going absolutely ballistic. I don't know what it means, but it is freaking me out. It can just sense when there's someone from a different time zone on the line and it freaks out and tries to split the difference between time zones.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, well, him being on the phone to Dastlo makes no sense. Why should time make any sense at the moment? It's like that thing for anyone who has ever flown long distance where they kind of average out the difference between the time zones. So you end up having breakfast at like 3.30 a.m. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They try and work out this medium time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In between where you've been and where you're going and just feed you then. Yeah. So just your body, it roots where you're going and just feed you then. Yeah. So just your body, it roots you even more because you just have no idea. Like you're having breakfast about an hour and a half after dinner. Yeah.

I've been keeping track of this clock and I can't believe that I'm still in here recording on Christmas Day. This is ridiculous. I'm spending, I should be at home with loved ones. God. I'm spending I should be at home with loved ones God Now

I'll explain at this point that we've decided not to have a guest today because we you know I think Tommy Daslow

star of the Commonwealth Bank Olympic ads is enough is enough of an ad is enough of a hook I think you know I think unlike

Luke McGregor I think I can convince you to retweet this one but it is... How is it going over there in London? Have you been to London before?

I have, yeah. I came in 2007, and before that I'd come... What bank were you working for then? 2007. Was that the Manchester Commonwealth Games? Or the Pan Packs? I'm just picturing you with just a clipboard with a stack, like the more preparation than you've ever done for an episode of this before.

There is a little bit of truth to that. I've got word open at the moment and it's just called shittohangontommy.doc. So I'm just slowly getting through that. Well, hey, I'm sharing the apartment with someone and they're trying to sleep at the moment. So if we could both keep it down, that would be fantastic. Yes, I'm here and I've been filming these stuff that was on, the ads that we filmed ages ago have been on a lot during the Olympics in Australia, I hear. Yes, yes.

I've even, like, because that was the thing early on, you know, you told me all about it and I still hadn't seen any, but boy, have I seen them now. It's kind of been the perfect time to not be in the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because a friend of mine said he was in a food court in the shopping centre he works in and my head's just coming up on one of those little video billboard things like every six seconds.

So I kind of thought when I did it that it would be good because no one would be able to recognise me and notice me. But I feel like it's been on so much that that's not the case at all. Yeah, you should be probably paranoid at the moment because there's a whole continent talking behind your back about you at the moment, like you're on that much. No, not always behind your back about you at the moment? Like, you're on that much? No, not always behind my back. Can I just say there has been a lot of great Twitter work

from some friends of the show, having seen the ads. Because of the time difference, I wake up and it's just, oh, the inbox is pretty full this morning. Oh, man, there's been some excellent work on Facebook, I think, last night. I put an update out. Chandler here, I'm interviewing Tommy Daslow from the Commonwealth Bank. Ads tomorrow for my podcast, What Should I Ask Him? And some excellent work.

Nicole Villanueva says, what did he have for lunch? Which is a very good question. What else? I did quite is a very good question. What else? I did quite like a few of these. Adam Kochi, what will he change his surname to next? Paul Coffey, which celebrity interview best demonstrated Tommy's ability to think of different questions? Weird Al Yankovic or Andrew Denton?

I did see this yesterday. I was in Brighton. The sun was out and I had an ice cream cone and I saw that whole thread and out loud I went, oh, fuck. Yeah, I've got it here. There are some other good ones, I have to say. There was some very great work. Nick Mason with India made me laugh a lot. There's one that refers to something I've semi-heard about, but I'm not sure about the

whole thing. Erica Drew says how does he respond to Kirstie Marshall's quote, obviously unathletic quote, accusation on Gruen's sweat? Was that a thing? That was a thing, yeah. Because Gruen transfer, for anyone who doesn't know,

is a show about... Friend of the show, Will Anderson's show, yeah? Yes. And they're doing a special on Olympics ads, and they did our ad. And, yeah, they referred to us, because we have to run in the ad, as looking obviously unathletic.

Which, Scoop, that's the name of the next festival show, sure. Oh, what if you, yeah, why don't you do that and have your poster and have Kirsty Marshall's quote at the top of it? Better than that, I went on the Commonwealth Facebook page and there was someone going, how come the C-A-N-n look like normal people and then they've gone out of their way to make the t look fat and unattractive what is with that and yeah i just

enjoy that a lot because i know the t and i quite like him and that's very funny um some more questions who's the from daniel hedger who's the chick who does his voice in the ad? Can he get me her phone number? I like the person who just went, I come from a land down under. That's not anything. No, no. I think that was meant for the Men at Work podcast. I'm not sure about that.

Where's the best place to get a palmer? Now, look, let's address the Olympic elephant in the room. Okay, look, let me just say this very quickly. So we've done the TV ads, they've been on a lot. The reason that we're here is because we're doing some extra stuff for the internet. Now, I should point out at this juncture that I am contractually forbidden from really sharing too many of the details about what we've been doing. That's completely fine.

However, I do not have a contract with the Commonwealth Bank, so I feel I can say whatever I want, and you can blink once for yes and twice for no. What about this? Does this work? Was that anything? Yeah, that worked. That's one. So is that yes?

One beep for yes and two beeps for no? I don't know if I can do two. I think it might accidentally hang up on you. Wow, win-win. Oh, don't be like that. What do you like that for? Oh, you get to go back to bed. Oh, hang on. Now, look, I'll do the talking. I'll do the work here. Now, the first ad that

was out, the first Commonwealth Bank ad, it is, look, there are four people dressed as inflatable letters. Sorry, not inflatable. C-A-N-T for our international listeners that may not have seen the ad it's all about the word can't and getting rid of the T so it turns it into can it's a very positive ad now the first ad that was put on Australian TV

is you're all chasing Olympic hero our great hope for this Olympics James Magnusson red hot some say unbeatable favourite for the 100 meters freestyle swimming. You know, locked in. I think the bookmakers were actually paying out on him already winning.

So it was sort of like markdown, number one, first gold medal for Australia. That's it. Now, in the ad, what's actually happening in the end is James Magnusson has not won, has failed in one of his red-hot favourite events. He was unbackable favourite, like I said. Now, what people said was they put it down to maybe overconfidence. Now, I don't want to 100% blame you, Tommy Daslow, for his failure, but in the ad you were remarking about his calves and really sort of pumping him up.

And look, I would have thought that you were at least some to blame for his overconfidence. And you have cost us maybe not one gold medal, but maybe several, because he was sort of a figurehead for the Australian campaign. And a lot of people lost confidence after he lost that race. First thing I will say is that I'm pretty sure that line from the finance department has lit up again. And it's become a little bank on the phone. I'm hearing a lot of talking and I'm not hearing any beeping. Probably, if we're going to have some kind of secret code,

probably not good to tell people listening what the secret code is. There's no way of covering our tracks. code. Probably not good to tell people listening what the secret code is. There's no way of covering our tracks. I do not know how to respond to that. Guilty? Guilty, I think is the word. Sam Payne was right. You really don't ask any questions. He's just given me a statement to respond to. Yeah, look, that's pretty much what happened. And that was always a risk. And it didn't, yeah. You were going to go down as a great Olympic villain.

It's like Jesse Owens, you know, giving the salute to Hitler in the stands of the Munich Olympics. It's sort of, you're the Hitler in this Olympics. Would that be fair? Oh, my God. Speaking of which, did you watch the opening ceremony? I did. I did watch most of it, my God. Speaking of which, did you watch the opening ceremony? I did. I did watch most of it. I watched it live, which was awesome.

I was actually looking out for you in the Mary Poppins bit. I thought you were going to pop up as a chimney sweep. I am sorry that it is disappointing that Danny Boyle cut the dum-dum tribute that was going to happen about three-quarters of the way in. That would have probably been about as appropriate as the bits where they flashed up the Cosby show on the side of the house or whatever happened. I don't know what was going on. They started playing Airwolf and Hardcastle and McCormack and the Dukes of Hazzard. I don't know what was going on there for a minute.

It was a tribute to Carl Chandler's viewing habits on Seven Mates. Yeah, exactly. A tribute to Seven Mates there for a while. They just need to get VIP up there and cheers and the love boat. Are you sure you were actually watching the opening ceremony? There wasn't just a problem with your antenna for that part of the show? Maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe that was it. You become so conditioned that you just can't, wherever you are,

like you're at the screen at the self-serve checkout at Coles and it just starts playing the love boat. Even now, is this Captain Steubing? Am I talking to the right person now? Is this Gopher? But yeah, I don't know if you saw this. There was this amazing bit where, when all the athletes are coming out, there was a bit where Germany came out

and they cut to this old bloke in the stands just giving it the Heil Hitler and then very quickly cut away from him. It was incredible. It was like, let's go see what's happening in the stands. Oh, God. It was so good.

And that was the crescendo. That was Paul McCartney playing Hey Jude in a bit of Heil Hitler. So we were all there watching it It was so good. And that was the crescendo. That was Paul McCartney playing Hey Jude, giving a bit of Hail Hitler. Well, we were all there watching it, and pretty much every pub in the street had a sign out the front saying, come in and watch the opening ceremony here. So we found this place that was like a good mix of enough people around

for there to be a vibe, but we could also get a seat. So we're sitting at this table, and then as they're getting up to the torch being lit, the old mate behind the bar just reaches over and flicks the TV off. We're like, the Christ are you doing? And he goes, oh, mate, it's closing time. We're like, it's about the torch that's about to be lit.

What are you doing? So finally we scream, he goes, I've got 10 more minutes then. So he puts it back on, and then there's like all the speeches and stuff, and then you can see someone entering with the torch, and he flicks it off again. I've never seen. I've never felt like I was that close to being part of a barroom riot. It was insane.

Just everyone screaming at this guy, and then he goes, no, I want to get out of here so I can have my knockoff drink. Yeah, to be fair, it's going to be on again in another four years. So what's the problem? The Olympics, brackets, are. Yeah, so have you gotten to see any actual events or anything like that? I went to the volleyball the other night.

Yeah. Saw Australia beat Great Britain, which was pretty cool. Yeah. And then after that, it was Brazil v. Russia, which was awesome because Brazilians fucking get into it. They love it. Yeah, right. Yeah, it made me kind of want to move to Rio.

That was awesome. And we sort of ended up kind of in like the Brazilian cheers club, like all these people who were just going crazy. Because the difference was, you know, Australia, Great Britain, was people wanting Australia to win or wanting their country to win who didn't necessarily know anything about the sport. But then Brazil-Russia was like, you know, both people who, like, the sport is actually big in their countries.

Yeah. But, like, actually into the sport and how it works as well. So, yeah, that was good. Not necessarily funny, but a good night out. Yeah. Are they as good at volleyball as they are at soccer? Do they have the Pele of volleyball in there as well? Man, they're pretty great Some of those dudes get some sick air

It was cool to watch It was really exciting So what else can you talk about about your time in London? Have you been spotted on the street by any Cockney friends of the show? I was going to do some gigs here, and I had a friend of the show, Celia Piccola, hook me up with a couple, and then I kept having the ad agency kept calling meetings at the last minute, so I had to cancel all of them. He kept calling meetings at the last minute,

so I had to cancel all of them. So Celia's probably never coming on the show again. And there's one guy who is a long-time listener of the show who was going to come to one who was very unhappy because he'd made a sign. He'd made a Team Allsop sign for one of the gigs, and he ended up not being able to... His time ended up being in vain. Sean Orton. I owe him an apology.

Oh, sorry, Sean. Sean-y. But what can I talk about? What can I talk about? No, it's... Yeah, I mean, there have been a few things written about this campaign back home. And, yeah, it's frustrating because it's really... I think it's very interesting. But, yeah, I don't want to piss anyone off.

What you're saying is you are not going to comment on this until the check clears and then absolutely go for it. Is that what's going on? No, I'm a good boy I'm not going to do that Oh, what? Hey, do we want to plug the live show? We do

At the top of the show Like we said we were going to Let's plug it right now Okay So our live show, everyone I don't think we've plugged it enough But ticket sales are going really well It's happening on Tuesday night

August 14 At Soft Belly Bar 367 Little Bourke Street, Melbourne. We're going to kick off at 8 o'clock. It's only $10. And if you want to go to our Twitter feed or our Facebook page, there are links to the tickets. We're actually selling them online.

So yeah, we've only got a capacity of about 80. So I think by the look of it, I think we're going to have a pretty, you know, maybe a sold out night, I think, by the look of it, I think we're going to have a pretty, you know, maybe a sold out night, I think, hopefully. Great. So, and we've got special guests, we've got shaker fries, it's going to be quite the night. So, yeah, it's less than a week, less than a week after this goes up. Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

So you want to be getting on it. This is your last chance. This is your last shout out for the live show. The next episode after this will be the live one. So, you know, and they're always fun. This is your last chance. This is your last shout-out for the live show. The next episode after this will be the live one. And they're always fun. It's not like you come in here and, you know, I know you get to hear it the next week anyway,

but we're going to make it worth your while to come in and watch it all happen live. It's always a lot of fun. And, you know, you can't eat free shaker fries at home on iTunes, that's for sure. I'll be finding in live from Ecuador because I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed back in the country. This is what I did.

Now, you have Twitter in England, right? I think so, yeah. Yeah, right. I did a thing the other day where, you know, I've got work to do during the day, but this one day, I thought, you know what, I'm going to use my day just to write jokes and to sort of encourage myself, just to encourage myself. I put on Twitter, I said, right, tomorrow I'm going to just write 100 jokes and put it on Twitter. And then the next day I was like, right, get ready, everyone.

If you want to clear me out of your feed or whatever, I'm going to write 100 jokes today and it's going to be live. I'm going to think of them all in one day. And so I gave myself nine hours to think of 100 new jokes. Can I just say this quickly? I enjoyed then how you went. I worked during the day, but the other day I thought I'd spend my day writing jokes, which I would have thought technically that is your job, that is your work.

Yeah, that's fair. Well, what I mean is just 100% my own jokes. My own jokes, yeah's fair. Well, what I mean is just 100% my own jokes. My own jokes, yeah, yeah. So I did that and I thought, you know, this will be fun and, you know, you'll get a bit of encouragement along the way. You get a bit of, you know, people saying this or that. Boy, there was some nice people on there that would say, hey, check this guy out. He's doing this today. Oh, keep going, whatever.

Then there was just that side of the public that you just go, what is wrong with you assholes? Like, just people putting in not funny, not funny. None of these are funny. It's like, just, you know what tells me that? Just unfollow. Just don't look at it. And why are you following me in the first place, you idiot?

So that was, like, sort of semi-depressing. You did do us notice've noticed at the end because it was all, most of the bulk of it happened while I was asleep. But when I got up, I did notice you did your favourite trick of... Oh, well, no, no. Yeah, yeah, no, I was going to say that.

I was going to say. No, what happened was, so I got a lot of, you know, a bunch of encouragement. I got a bunch of people going, not funny, not funny, whatever. Then at the end, at the end of it all, I fell short. It was a lot harder than I thought. And to be honest, you know what, like getting that negativity and, you know, people can do what they want. That's

fair enough. But geez, it bogs you down a little bit. Like I'm in the middle of the day getting a bit stuck and I'm just being bombarded with not funny. Oh, you're shit. And I go, oh, why am I doing this? So I ended up running a bit short. I did 88 instead of 100. So there was, right at the end, I put out a tweet that said something like, hey, thanks everyone for the encouragement, the nice people that said nice stuff. You know, good on you. You know, I tried my best.

Oh, well, sorry if some of them were a bit average. Whatever. You know, they're all new in one day. And to everyone that said not funny, refunds available at www.twitter.com, hashtag go neck yourself. Now, someone that had been commenting on jokes all day then tweeted me, then tweeted like about four times at me and just to other people saying, at Carl Chandler is an arsehole, unfollow him, everyone. He's the worst person. He is encouraging people to neck themselves.

He's put hashtag go neck yourself. Get rid of him. He's the worst bloke ever. I'm very offended. My boyfriend hung himself. Oh. And she carried on, carried on, and I sort of went, well, I'm starting to see why he might have. Oh, God.

And I don't think it was down to me. I don't think my, well, put it this way, my hashtag, GoNickYourself, didn't start the trend. So I don't think anyone was really taking advice from me. Imagine that if I just hung up on you in the middle of that story. You'd have noticed. Oh, you'd taken too much notice of that hashtag. Yeah, right.

Yeah, so that was good. That person isn't following me anymore. And the insane Chandler posse. Yeah, that is the weird thing where you do something that you think is so obviously ridiculous. Because we joke about that a lot. That is one of my favourite things is people being really flippant about committing suicide.

Like that's, I do that. Now when you say that out loud, that does sound bad, but at least anyway. I like the idea of someone who just like the smallest thing shits them and they just go, well, that's it, I'm off to the West Gate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I do like, I do think that's so, but then, yeah, I've done that around people and they've walked off and someone goes, her dad killed himself last year.

Like, oh boy. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what we've learned here. Something, maybe. Have we learned something? I don't know. We're both awful people. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's not learning anything new. That's just confirming. Can I just say, this is how sad I am. So I'm in an apartment at the moment, yet to make it feel, to kind of trick myself into not being too relaxed and like I'm kind of doing something proper, I'm sitting, I'm actually sitting up at the desk with a pair of headphones around my neck.

Oh, really? I'm like trick myself into thinking that I'm in sitting up at the desk with a pair of headphones around my neck. Oh, really? I'm trying to trick myself into thinking that I'm in the studio. Well, at the moment, I'm still watching this clock and I feel like I'm Buck Rogers in the 25th century. So it is time is flying when you're having fun with your little mate in Europe. I'm trying to think what else. I'm trying to think what else.

I've heard a bit about how the coverage, like Channel 9's coverage has not been too great. Like they've just been showing the one thing and they've got two channels and they're sort of showing the same thing on both. Is that fair? I don't know. I just sort of watch.

I just have it on in the background. I'm not really going crazy. Like, you know, anything that's any good gets played 50 times, you know. So I'm not going to miss out on anything. Well, that's been the cool thing about being here because, you know, back home you get so used to if you want to watch anything, like the great events, you've got to, you know, be up at like 5 a.m. Whereas it's been cool coming home from working and just going,

oh, yeah, let's just chuck on the Olympics. Yeah. Like we went and, just last night, we went and watched Usain Bolt's Adam Mead sprint at a bar, which was amazing, but the thing I love about the coverage, like, the coverage here is so British. Like, he won, and then as soon as he wins, the first thing the commentator says is,

that is classic Usain Bolt. Which I just went, that is tremendous. Yeah, well, like I said, with the repeated footage, I woke up this morning and went, oh, I missed 100 metres. Oh, God, I better see it. And it's like, by the time I'd actually gotten out of my bed, I'd seen it three times already. Yeah, and it's a weird event to base your night around because it's over so quickly.

I needed to go to the toilet just before it, and I was like, oh, man, imagine this. Imagine if I miss his race because I'm having a piss. How shattered you'd be. Yeah, literally before breakfast, I was sick of that 9.6 seconds. I'd seen it enough already. Yeah, yeah. Now, what about, we'll just slide off the Olympics for a second. I'll just tell you what I've seen it enough already. Yes, yes. Now, what about, we'll just slide off the Olympics for a second.

I'll just tell you what I've seen. I'll give you a little snapshot of what you've been missing out at home. Yes, yes. I walked into the studio today. I saw some good characters today. It was really good on the street I was walking in on today. I saw... I hope you've gone, let me tell you what you've missed out on while you've been away.

Yeah. And you're going to tell me about stuff that's happened in the last half hour. Yeah, yes. This is what you would have seen if you had walked into the studio with me today instead of traipsing around Shepherd's Bush or whatever you're bloody doing. I saw a guy, I saw this 50-year-old guy, right, and he was not a young 50. He was probably older than 50. You know when you get those, it's not like a George Clooney.

He's 50. Brad Pitt's 50. No, not those guys. Yeah, yeah. He was like bald. He was pretty way, pretty fairly on his way to being bald. Had a big comb over, big bald spot, smoke in one hand. He had this like, you know, like a daggy dad raincoat on,

something that your dad would wear and you go, oh, like a daggy dad raincoat on something that your dad would wear and you go, oh, don't wear that out in public. So he had all that going on and he was standing on a street corner with one foot on a skateboard. It looked absolutely ridiculous. Look, he looked like Tony Hawk's dad. Like, he looked, how old, how old is too old to be on a skateboard because i'm whatever he is that's it it's got to come down from there i even find that weird when you know like dudes in their 30s who skateboard yeah that's weird to me yeah that's weird enough like that's what i

mean like this is there a cutoff point i don't know like even especially with this guy with his comb over i'm like i don't know skateboards not the the the transport for you dude like you know not a convertible not a skateboard um was he was he sort of did he was he i mean you're commenting on it so maybe not but was he pulling it off in any way like was he no was it was there was there an air of commitment and of confidence not not at all that was the bit that struck me like i saw him from a distance and I went, this can't be happening. This image looks wrong.

I'm going to get closer. And I just got closer and closer and actually stared at him, like stopped, pretended I was doing something, just to take it all in, just to make sure that this was an actual thing that was happening. It looked so ridiculous. Has there been a character on any of the shows you watch on Seven, mate, that's an old man on a skateboard

Maybe it was your brain seeing what it wants to see again Maybe it was George Pappard Hannibal on the A-Team When he dresses up at the start of an episode To like meet with a new client To make sure they're not a cop or something Maybe that was it Maybe it was like the two pack hologram

It was Hannibal from the A-Team hologram Yeah I like the two-pack hologram. It was Hannibal from the 18th hologram. I like the idea that they've rolled out that technology, like they've taken it just beyond that one-off performance, and the first beta testing of it happens in South Melbourne in front of Carl Chandler. Yeah, he's about the same age as Hannibal. He had the cigarette.

It wasn't the cigar he was chomping on, but still. But anyway, so I walked past him, and that flummoxed me a little bit. And then literally 100 metres later, there was the same age sort of guy walking along with this big cricket bag. And he stopped right in front of me and then put his hand in the cricket bag and fished out a two-litre bottle of milk and then just started sculling it. Oh, man. I don't know what things are like in your part of the world,

but that's what's happening here. Well, I will say this. So yesterday I mentioned being in Brighton. I've had a bit of time off towards the end here and my girlfriend's sister and her husband live in Brighton here and I thought you know what, I've been in London for a little bit, I'm going to get out, I'm going to go to this, it's a little kind of seaside town about an hour out of London and I thought I'm going to go and do that, I'm going to get out, you know I'm going to sort of see

a bit of the rest of England, you know like not just London, get a bit of a better idea of what it's like in other parts over here. England, you know, like not just London, get a bit of a better idea of, you know, what it's like in other parts over here. So I get on the train. I go out. It's beautiful.

It's a really nice little beachside kind of community. I thought, oh, isn't this quiet? Isn't this lovely? I'm walking down from the train station. I walk past a pub. There is this large, leathery old woman standing outside a pub by herself smoking and as i walked past her she cut the biggest fart i think i've ever heard in public and it was because of the streets we're in it just felt like it echoed for months it was like the most ridiculous welcome to a city

of like is this so they know that podcasting royalty is coming through? Hang on, hang on, hang on. I stopped listening at the start of the story. You're still describing the opening ceremony, right? What country was this? This is Danny Boyle's tribute to the young ones inside the opening ceremony. Is that what's happening? His tribute to the young ones inside the opening ceremony.

Is that what's happening? Man, you really dragged me out of the hole in that story. Man, that had just run out of steam. It sounds like she'd run out of steam. Yay. Yay. I did. Oh, man, this is starting to sound like a really angry podcast this week, but... I'll just say this, just quickly on what you brought up.

It's such a weird street where we record our show, isn't it? There's always something bizarre going on out the front of our studio. Yeah, yeah, there's a few streets like that around. I think Fitzroy Street in St Kilda's like that. You've got this weird mix of very attractive people and then just like almost mutant style hobos and junkies. But the strange thing is it's in an area that's not anything like Fitzroy Street. Fitzroy Street's at least a bit of a hub and it's known as a place to go, whereas where we are, not that we want to let the location out

because we'll be bloody mobbed every time we try and go in there. Yeah, down in the suburb of Podcast City in Melbourne. Yeah. But it's just a weird little street that's not near anything else. It's just like we saw a woman getting followed by store detectives the other day, just screaming at them and running. You notice there's a supermarket next to a studio. There's always a dog chained up at the front barking viciously.

Yeah, yeah. There's always a dog going, a different dog going apeshit in the street every time we're there. Yep. It's bizarre. It's like we record in, you know in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where Eddie Valiant gets in the cab and actually drives through into Toontown? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that.

It's like that's the street that we're on. I'd like to think it's, we're Podcast City. It's like in LA where they have Television City and they have an actual place called Television City where they film stuff. This is Podcast City. That would be so good if we perpetuated that. That was a thing that we did.

Yeah, and it wasn't a dog barking out the front. It was Nick Cody and Bart Freebarn just screaming out the front, recording something for the drive home. And we all live there as well. There's like a high-rise flat in a studio. Yeah, yeah, that'd be awesome. Well, speaking of Friends of the Show, Danny McGinley, I did a gig for him the other night.

He was organising a fundraiser. It was a fundraiser to raise money for uh well the cause was um um what do you how do you describe it people people smuggling it was anti-people smuggling uh a charity stand-up gig and there was a lot of uh big names and some friends of the show there was uh tom gleason there was uh lawrence mooney it was's Bob Franklin, who hasn't been on the show yet, but hopefully soon one day. Yeah, that'd be amazing. And a lot of people like that. Did you go up to McGinley when you got there and go,

hey, I've got a few friends that want to come for free, can I just smuggle a few people in on the guest list? That would have been good, but no, they didn't have them. But, yeah, so the charity, I don't know really how that works. How do you raise money to not smuggle people? I don't really, I don't know how, do you pay people to not smuggle people? I don't know. I don't know how that works.

Yeah, I do, I do enjoy that. Anytime there's a charity thing to, to raise money to make something not happen. Yeah. Like they're just going, like the people in charge of doing it just go, well, we started up the Kickstarter. Um, as soon as we get a million, we'll just stop doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know whether you're raising money to pay people not to smuggle people

or raising money to educate people to not get smuggled. I don't know. I don't know how that... Can you teach someone to not get smuggled? We need to buy everyone in the world an anti-smuggling device and just hang around their neck and then that's it. Yeah, that's it. Buying force fields for people so they can't get grabbed and smuggled.

Now, you know, it's a charity gig, so everyone donates their time or whatever. So it was a Saturday night and, you know, I donated my time and come along and done a gig for nothing and whatever. It was a good gig. It was fun, whatever. You just mentioned so many times that you did it for charity. I donated my time. I did it for charity. I donated my time. I did it for free.

Yep. I wasn't being paid. That is the end of the story. I just wanted to, you know, after all that talk of telling people to neck themselves, I just wanted to sort of balance out what people think of me. Full stop. Anyway, what else is happening? I'm great.

What else is happening in London? No, so anyway. I've also done nice things for people. So anyway, I was in Melbourne being a great guy, and we got to the end of the gig, and one of the organisers came up who I hadn't, you know, I'd said hello to and that was it. And he came up to me, I think Tom Gleeson and some, I think maybe Justin Hamilton,

another friend of the show, and just said to everyone, hey, guys, great work tonight. You all did really well, except Carl Chandler. What's all that about? Hang on. Hang on. It's not being heckled by Telstra. It's not like we were, it's not like it's me and you where we're giving shit to each

other and it's like, ah, we're old mates. It's like, this guy, I don't know. I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him at all. And I hadn't had a bad gig at all. And I just went, where's this coming from? And so he said that, and I just sort of looked at him,

and everyone else looked at him a bit awkwardly, and he sort of laughed. And I went, look, mate, I hope there is like a dozen people getting fucking smuggled right now on your watch. I hope there's like 12 people in a boot somewhere just because you said that. Hashtag go next yourself. Hashtag go smuggle yourself. So, guys, I'm available for any other charity gigs. If you need something...

I will do anything more for charity. I will donate my time. I will do gigs for free. Yeah. I will not ask to be paid at the end. I will not be a great bloke, though. I can't stress that enough. But I thought that was a fair enough response i thought

that sort of side swiped me for first for someone that i can't stress enough he's doing a gig for free and also doing it for charity and at the same time donating my time but you sure it wasn't like a stitch up it? It wasn't like McGinley had told him to, you know, do that to be funny or whatever? Oh, I wouldn't put it past him, but it seemed like just a genuine... Like, because his sort of reaction afterwards was when he didn't get a laugh or anything, was sort of like, oh, you know, you know, like... And I'm like, no, not really. It's convenient that he picked sort of the perfect person to do that to.

Yeah. Out of all those people. Yeah. Well, I was the least famous one, so I suppose he thought I could get away with it. Maybe that was it. Yeah, I'll pick the one person I haven't heard of and give it to them. He misunderstood the tall poppies syndrome in Australia and went, the small poppies are due for a bit of a kicking.

You know the bloke that I've never heard of. Hey, you're a bit shit. Get it, everyone. You know the bloke that I've never heard of Hey you're a bit shit Get it everyone Let's see I've got a couple of things Something I want to bring up quickly

I've been spending a bit of time with Cousin of the show Holly My cousin Yep Who used to get mentioned a fair bit on the show Because I lived with her And now she lives over here

The one that Discovered me on a very early episode Where I was sleeping on the nude In the nude on your couch at one stage. Sleeping on the nude? On the nude. I was directly on top of the nude. That nude ice sculpture that we had in our house. Yeah.

I was on your nude... To be fair, I was on your nude couch. There was no clothes on that couch. Yeah, so she lives here now and she mentioned she's on Twitter, and some people who follow the show have followed her, which is cool. And then she said a few people who have listened to this show have tried to add her on Facebook.

Right. Now, that's weird. Is it weird? Is it weird? Probably. Now, that's weird. Is it weird? That's weird, isn't it? Is it weird? Probably. I think it's weird. That's why I don't mention my girlfriend's name,

because I don't want people adding her and going, and basically telling my girlfriend what I say about her on the show because she doesn't listen properly. I just think that's, I think that's, I don't know, I think that's, I kind of find that a bit weird, by trying to add her. That's why I just wanted to address that. Okay.

Well, to be fair, she's... Hands off me fucking cousin, mate. To be fair, she's an attractive girl, so I think it's just people like doing that anyway, you know? I was walking around with her the other day, and I was trying to find some clothing to buy my girlfriend, and I had a holding one up, and I was saying, oh, I wonder if this is, I think this is the right size. And she goes, oh, do you want me to try it on? Because I think we're kind of the same size.

And I'm like, oh, I don't know. I think that's a bit weird. And I was like, and she was a bit short as well. Hang on, was this in Victoria's Secrets? That's what I was about she's a bit shorter hang on was this in Victoria's Secrets that's what I was about to get to like how weird it would be if we just

ultimately went around doing that but I was like oh she's a bit I think she's a bit shorter than you anyway I don't know if that's really going to match up

and she goes oh no but just around you know around like the boob size I'm like yes

look just sell me the fucking dress I'm getting out of here I'll take the risk. I'd rather the gift go to waste because it's the wrong size than be having this conversation for another minute. Yeah. I've done that before in a shop where I've tried to buy something for an old girlfriend, but she was current at the time. Obviously, I'm not buying stuff for ex-girlfriends still.

You get up one morning, oh, look, I really was a bit mean to Stacey. I should go and get her some stuff to say sorry. I forgot about her nan's birthday 12 years ago. I didn't go to it, so... I reckon this petticoat would still probably fit her. I'll just shoot this off my Express post. Now, I bought a dress for a girlfriend once and it was

i was overseas at the time and it was like that i was like oh gee i don't you know i don't know what my own size is let alone someone else's i'm not very observant with that sort of stuff and i was buying a dress and then she i was like i don't know i don't i don't know how to like is there an all size sort of dress i can buy whatever and this girl was just like well am i am i the same size and then she she started grabbing her own boobs and going what's her breast size like have a look at my breasts are they about the same as her breasts is it and she's like grabbing them and squeeze you know basically squeezing them and going are they this like i'm i'm double c or whatever like is that what your girlfriend is because that's what my size is here is my breast size and any girl any guy in this situation is just thinking it's a sting this is my girlfriend

on the cover this is a trap yeah yeah even though i'm in i'm in third avenue in new york somehow somehow this is a massive stitch up and it was um yeah i don't think i think i just walked out of the shop straight away yeah i don't think i i couldn I just walked out of the shop straight away. Yeah. I don't think I, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. That's creepy. I have had that, that's a similar thing where, yeah, you, you explain to a female store attendant that you're looking for something for a partner and it gets a, it gets a bit flirty. Yeah.

It's a weird, imagine that being, I mean, there must be couples who have that as a story. Like he came into the shop And was looking for something With his girlfriend And then We broke her heart And now we're happily married Yeah

Yeah Have I told that before? Have I said about Like I had a girlfriend that I met basically from I asked her out At the checkout counter

Of Coles You told me that But yeah I think you said it on there Yeah I had a girlfriend once That I met via, you know, buying groceries and getting my change at the end and going, yeah, and there's $5.45 change. Have you got flybys?

No, but do you want to go to dinner tonight? Okay. And it was just like a line of people behind me, like waiting to get served and going, can you hurry up and ask her out and so we can actually i can buy this milk or what if you were just buying boxes of condoms and then fish fingers as well yeah yeah that's i i had that see that's that's how I wish I had a thing where I had met this girl very briefly and but just became infatuated with her like you know when someone just instantly you go oh what's this person about they're great so I'd had this like hour-long conversation with her

and then she left and I didn't get her number or anything and then a few months later I was single at the time a few months later I was sitting around just thinking about it and I remembered her saying that she worked at a supermarket so and that she was from St Kilda so I just got on a tram and just went around all the supermarkets I could think of in St Kilda yeah trying to see if she was working. And then I thought, oh, I didn't see her at any. And I thought, oh, maybe she doesn't work right anywhere she lives. So I just started getting closer and closer into the city,

just running around these supermarkets trying to find this girl. And then having to go back and do it for the next shift. And then having to go back and do it for the next shift. I'm also just hoping that, just going, what if this does work and I do find it? How is that going to go well? And you'd have to check the alley next to everyone in case they're out on smoke breaks as well. You have to try everything.

You just find her in the cool room getting fingered by someone she works with. By me with all the condoms and the fish fingers. What if that's how we met? I was fingering an infatuation of yours with condoms over a fish finger. No, I met you and I was infatuated by you. I remembered you saying that you did a podcast. So I just started walking around Podcast City just hoping that you were there doing one. But, you know, I mean, that's all in the past now.

We've got partners and whatever. But, yeah, man, I'm such a one for, like, that infatuation thing. Like, that was, like, that girlfriend I was talking about. Like, I say, I played it cool. infatuation thing like like that was like that girlfriend i was talking about like i say i i played it cool like i just walked in and asked her out one day while i was um and getting my shopping but the the backstory of that was i walked in maybe 60 times before that just to say hello to her or not being quite brave enough to say hello to her and then probably five of those times was going all right i'm to ask her out this time.

Oh, no. I'm just skulking out. That sounds like a bad American indie film. Yeah. Oh, man. It was, you know, people go shopping once a week. I was going shopping every day until, like, I just spaced my, like, you know, Tuesdays, I'll go and get my fruit tomorrow.

Then Wednesdays, Wednesday's more of a dairy day, so I'll grab that then, really stretching out my supermarket purchases. It got to a stage where I started finding out what day she wasn't working, just through a process of elimination, and going, okay, well, I don't need to go and get my frozen goods that day on the Monday.

I'll wait till Tuesday for that. And it worked? You ended up going out with her? Yeah, yeah. I think it was more she was just scared from seeing me every day going, okay, well, if I don't go along with these wishes, something bad might happen. Now, because you've told me this before,

how old was she when this happened? She was 18. And how old were you? I was 26 earth years. Earth years, yeah. I was a little bit older. You were hoping that you could bring in that cloth that's in the studio right now and speed up time so you can pick up ages.

No, I wasn't really hoping that at all, to be honest. for you to pick up ages. No, I wasn't really hoping that at all, to be honest. Yeah, fair. Was she still at school when you first started going? No, she wasn't. She wasn't, unfortunately. No, she wasn't. She was working.

I think, to be honest, she'd finished about four months earlier or something like that. But, to be fair, it's not like she had a she still had her you know badge from her birthday party i was saying 18 today you know i i didn't know i hadn't carbon dated i didn't know how old she was i was like hoping to be honest i was i was going oh yeah she'd be like early 20s something like that and then when i started when i went on a date with her i was like oh she's not she's not early 20s and then i went i went oh i hope this is legal what i'm doing it's a lot of people's infatuation with that kind of stuff like i had a good mate who had been with the same girl since i think we were in about

year nine and he was with her all through high school and then you know the first few years of uni and then he ended up breaking up with her just because you know he'd just been with her for ages and it was like well what we're like 21 i'm not going to get married to her now but what else you do have been together for like you know six years six years by this point so he broke up with her and then because he'd missed out on, you know, hooking up and going crazy when you're in high school or just after high school,

like in uni and stuff, he just was this 21, 22-year-old guy who just went insane and was like, yeah, dating a girl at a high school at one point and was like picking her up from school and stuff and the main street near where he lived, he had picked up girls who worked in, like, every shop.

So he, like, couldn't walk down the street because, like, every store, there'd just be a girl who he'd been with and hadn't called back. So he'd have to, like, go way out of his way to go and get anything that he needed. I had a guy who... He was, like, the opposite of you. You're chasing girls around in every supermarket and he's just getting as far away as he needed. I had a guy who... He was like the opposite of you. You're chasing girls around in every supermarket

and he's just getting as far away as he can trying to find supermarkets where he doesn't know someone. Yeah, I had a mate too who went home with a girl after meeting her at a nightclub, which, you know, you think you've got a degree of safety there. And then he gets up and they go back to her parents' house and they get up in the morning and she goes, yeah, so anyway, I've got softball this morning.

And I was like, what, why? And she goes, oh, because, you know, school sport. I was like, can your dad give me a lift home? Can your parent or guardian get me to my house? Is there someone with a license in this house I can talk to? What about this? This is something that the crew that were filming the stuff here, all really cool guys, they're all from London,

so there's a crew of about three people that they put together to film the stuff that we were doing here for the bank. And they were really great guys, really lovely guys. And one of them was telling me when he was at uni, they lived in a share house, and there were about seven of them in there. And they had a spare room that they all just went,

well, we'll just pay a little bit extra rent each week just to, you know, that we can use this room for when people's parents come or whatever. One year they all go away for Christmas and they come back and their landlord has just moved in a 40-year-old Puerto Rican dude and not told them. He stepped back and there's this old Puerto Rican guy living in their house Was he on a skateboard?

I think I know him And the way they discovered him was they walk into their kitchen and he's just there with one of his mates giving them a bowl cut in the kitchen. So about a few weeks after that, they're all sitting around and they can just hear this banging,

this violent banging on the front door. And one of them goes, what in the Christ is that? So they get up and their front door was like glass so you could see through what was happening on the other side. They walk in the hallway. On the other side of the door, they can see one of the housemate's girlfriends

just banging on this door. And in front of the door inside the house, the Puerto Rican guy is just standing in the hallway just staring at her through the glass, not opening the door, and she's just going, what are you doing? Why won't you let me in?

Why won't you open this door? And he's just standing there motionless with no expression on his face, just staring at her. Just with a bowl on his head, cutting his own hair. Yeah. So this guy,

one of the housemates just moves past him, walks past him and just opens the door for her and just glares at him and just gets nothing from the guy, like absolutely nothing. To be fair, did she have an appointment? So then the next few weeks later, he's saying they lived in kind of a dodgy area and they're walking later, they're all, he's saying they live in a kind of a dodgy area and they're walking home and they're all a bit pissed. And these other pissed guys come up

and they end up getting in a fight. These guys are like, fucking, what do you want? Like, one of them gets glassed on the back of the head, all this stuff, this really bad brawl, and it was, like, pretty much right near their house. So they go inside and they're all battered and like, oh, fuck. And the Puerto Rican dude's there and he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, I was just watching you guys out the window.

I just saw all that going on because, yeah, you woke me up. I was watching because you woke me up. And they're like, so you're just watching us through the window getting beaten up? And he goes, yeah. And I go, did you do anything? And he goes, oh, I tried to go back to sleep. Well, he did all he could, to be fair. Well, he did all he could, to be fair.

It's a wonder he didn't call the landlord and get you guys evicted from making such a ruckus. Yeah, well, apparently that's the landlord can just do that and move people in and out as he pleases with no notice. What if he moves some of those people out of that fight? He's obviously got a lot of power. Yeah, I've done a lot of work for informing the British guys here on the crew about Maryborough. Oh, yeah. I've done a lot to boost rural Victoria's tourism trade.

Is that it? I think that's it. I'm just checking the clock now, and it is the year 2550, so I'm looking out into the landscape of a post-apocalyptic world here in Melbourne. There's nothing here. I'm going to have to stay in the studio after this podcast anyway. Podcast City has been completely devastated. But guys, do buy tickets to our live recording of episode 1 billion that we're doing.

Yes, now that is, let's mention that again before we get there. Like, when you hear this, it'll be less than a week. To go until the Tuesday night, Tuesday, August 14, 8 o'clock at Softbelly Bar. If you haven't been there before, it's a nice little place. We've only got room for about 80 people at the back. Yeah, I'll be back. I've been back for a few days, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm excited to get home and to see everyone, see all me mates.

Actually, it's in a tiny little window of space between you getting back and me taking off for Perth, so Perth Friends of the Show. I am going to be doing gigs, what, from August 15 until 18, I think. I'm going over to Perth and doing gigs every night for four nights with a big friend of the show, Xavier Michaelides. So if you want to come and see some sweet stand up from us, I'm going to bring over some T-shirts and some books. Funny Buggers, that book I put out through Penguin last year. So, look, you guys, you guys over there with your mining boom, you know, like, all your cans of Coke are like $40,

so, you know, you might as well come and buy a T-shirt for $30 or a book for $20. It's like nothing to you. Just even swap some iron ore for it or, you know, some gold. That's fine. I'll take either of those things. Okay. All right, well, that's it, I think.

Guys, the live show, you can find our tickets on the Facebook or on Twitter, or probably if you just Google it, I guess. And we've got T-shirts still for sale. Again, find out about that on Twitter and stuff like that, Twitter and Facebook. What else is there? Carl, I just want to say thank you so much for having me as a guest on your show. Yeah, no worries. This was

an audition for the live show and I think you've passed it. I think you can be invited on. In summary, I listen to your program all the time at this kind of night and at this time of night and I agree with everything you say. Immigrants shouldn't be allowed in the country. Women shouldn't

be allowed to vote and yeah, Jewish people just aren't be allowed in the country. Women shouldn't be allowed to vote. And yeah, Jewish people just aren't as good as the rest of us. Yeah, no worries. We'll send you out a dum-dum fun pack for ringing us up. Stay on the line. Give us your address. Keep fighting the good fight. All right. I think that's it for us. I think that's it. All right, guys. Well, thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to this. I think it's a good, but it's a rather odd episode with Tommy's voice sounding slightly more masculine,

given that his voice goes the other way on the other side of the world. I don't know if that means something. I actually enjoy the process of doing this more so than I enjoy doing it normally, in spite of having to be up at 3 a.m. We don't get to have up at 3am. Oh. We don't get to have pizza together afterwards now. It's a bit sad. I've never done that before.

Yeah, we've had pizza. Have we? Pizza's a thing. Okay. Yeah, remember pizza? Yeah. Alright, that's it. Thanks for walking out the studio.

No more talking. Alright, I'll see you in a week, Gaslow. Thanks everyone for listening and we'll see you next week. See you, mate. Oh, we stuffed that up.