The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - Episode 99 - Lawrence Mooney & Kate McLennan

Episode Date: August 15, 2012

Rudy Vanderstone, Hardware Stores and Sliced Ears. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo, thank you very much for joining us. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Man, it is good to be back on home soil. Yeah, welcome back to my country. Thank you for having me. How are you enjoying it at the moment?

I've been very jet lagged and it's awful. Have you noticed any differences in Australia from England? Yes. From what you're used to, your country, England. Yeah, I have been living over there for two weeks now. I've noticed that we walk differently. Yes. Certain things that we say sound different.

Like what? Do they have emus over there? They do, but they call them hamburgers. Crisps. What's that about? Where are your crisps here? What a country. I hope I never go there.

Anyway, I've missed you, mate. Yeah. No, I actually have been there. I don't think I've ever told you this one. I went to London once, and I lived there for a while. And did you end up, you were planning on going to the museum over there, weren't you? The one museum, yes. Yeah, but it's like the main museum.

The one with all the good shit. I didn't end up going to that, no. Oh, really? No. Oh, why didn't you go there? That's good. It's got everything. Uh-huh.

Well, I went there, right, and I went with mates and, because it's like, is it the biggest museum in the world? I think it probably is. It's absolutely massive. It's got everything. Uh-huh. Well, I went there, right, and I went with mates, because it's like, is it the biggest museum in the world? I think it probably is. It's absolutely massive. It's got everything. And we went there. I went there with mates. And what we did was we tried to tag onto the end of a party, like a, what do you call it? Like they hired a tour guide, a tour guide.

And they were going along, and we tagged on at the end. And we went along for a couple of different exhibits and whatever, and then the tour guide just turned around and went, look, if anyone hasn't paid for this tour, I suggest that you get off right now and leave more room for the people who have paid, and just was really rude about it, and we turned around, and I literally said to him, oh, sorry, we haven't paid for this, but we're looking at all this stuff in this museum. You guys have paid for it, right? Haven't you?

Like Cleopatra's corpse over there? That was yours, wasn't it? That wasn't the dead body of Egypt's queen that you stole. That wasn't that, was it? Because she came from Yorkshire or something, wasn't it? That is infuriating, though. It's like when people just come into this studio and listen to us recording this instead of downloading it, because then we miss out on the downloads, and we don't have an accurate

representation of how many people are actually listening. That happens a lot. We do have to get very angry and stern with people when they come in. Yeah. And then they go and talk about it on their podcast. Yeah, exactly. I've been pretty busy since I got back. I nearly missed the tram here because I was taking a photograph of a graffiti penis at

the bus stop. Oh. Wow. In other news, I turn 26 in two weeks. So, hey. Should we get into it? Sure. Big show today.

Two returning guests. Two of our favesies. Please welcome back to the show. She's not been in here for a while. You may know her from the Download podcast. Please welcome back on the show, Kate McLennan. I'm so glad you got me back in happier times. Yeah.

So for anyone who is sort of new to the program, Kate, you were on, I believe, back around Episode 8. Yeah, it was like March last year. Yeah, after your appearance on the ill-fated Ben Elton Live from Planet Earth program. And if you haven't heard it, go back and have a listen. It is a lovely expose of some bad times in your life. I remember going home that night after I'd recorded it

and just had a massive panic attack that night because I was so stressed about everything that I said because I was pretty open about everything. I wasn't sort of putting a sensor on any of my experiences. I think there was a couple of edits that maybe you requested. I requested, yeah. And let's hear them right now. One little bit about your time at Hey Dad.

Well, I had to edit that out for legal reasons. Because you molested him and didn't want to get caught for it. Yeah, right. But life's picked up since then. Yeah, life's doing okay now. Yeah? Just, you know, just got back from a three-week holiday in Vietnam. So I'm just feeling really refreshed and ready to go.

And what's the history museum like over there? It's so weird because I went over, part of the reason I went over was because my dad's a Vietnam veteran, so I sort of went to, you know. Oh, yeah, what part from? What part from? Yeah, what part from? Oh, from? Yeah, what part from? Oh, man. I've got some requests for an edit already

so far. It's been so long since I've been in here, I can't remember where the dump button is. But it's, like, we went down south, and I'd arranged this kind of tour beforehand to go around all these war sites that Dad was at, and so I had these instructions to catch a boat to this place

called Nui Dat or something. I can't remember where it was. Yeah, yeah, no, that's right. And so to catch a bus and then catch a boat and then get off the boat and then go to this bar and ask for a woman called Anne and the woman called Anne will take you on a tour of all these war sites that your Dad was in. So I'm like, right, okay, so do that.

And I get there and the woman called Anne, she's like, I can can't take you we'll get some other bloke to do it instead and so my boyfriend and I get in this car with this guy and he cannot he can't speak a word of English and we go on this tour and because you know you sort of think oh I'm going on these war sites with it there would be signs and stuff but over there they just don't you know there's so many places that they could commemorate as a war site that they, you know, don't do anything. And so you go around and, because the guy can't speak any English, he's driving us around to all these war sites and he just sort of opens the car door and just sort of goes, and shunts us out of the car and goes, and just kind of points to stuff. And you kind of walk around going, I don't know where I am.

I don't know what this is. But at the same time, you know, me going, I'm having this emotional life-changing experience here because this is where my dad was and kind of walking around with this sense of gravitas but not knowing why. Like there's no – like I don't know what shit's gone down here but having this sense that maybe some bombs were dropped. There was no tour group there that you could just tack on to the end of it?

No, there was no tour group. Scab off it? I hope no one was paying for her. Got $100 out of us. Oh, what? Really? But I'll claim that on tax. That's right.

There you go. Can you really claim that on tax? Can you claim? Yeah. Well, we'll see. Did the guy that went, huh, write you an invoice? Yeah. Because I don't reckon he did.

There's going to be a request for an edit at the end of this episode, so the ATO can't get a hold of Clan's dodgy practices. Also making a return to the program, you know him from the match committee. You'll be able to see him soon on Canaan Disabled on ABC2. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Lawrence Mooney. It's very nice to be back for my third Dum Dum Club. Yep. Or Little Dum Dum Club.

Now, let's sort a few things out. There's two major museums in London. Oh, right. The Natural History Museum. Was there dinosaurs where you went? No, you went to the Albert and Victoria. Oh, right. That's the giant one.

I saw Cleopatra. That's Albert and Victoria. Oh, right. That's the giant one. I saw Cleopatra. That's Albert and Victoria. Nui Dat was the major base for the Australian combined forces in Vietnam, where if you go and see the Sapphires, that's where they would have performed. We've never had a fact checker in on the show before.

Sounds like you should have been leading that tour around Vietnam. And I refuse to let you edit out my Vietnamese stereotype. Is that a term and condition of you being in here? Absolutely. If I do any racial stereotypes, you must cease and desist editing them from the show. All right, so we're wiping our hands. Very, very funny. See, the thing is, that isn't a racial stereotype. Because they're like, where's that guy from? We're wiping our hands. Very, very funny.

See, the thing is, that isn't a racial stereotype because they're like, where's that guy from? No one knows where he's from. Who's claiming that accent? Who's going to get angry about that? They're going to go, oh, we don't know. But where's the line? You know, when you impersonate someone, so just say I impersonate you,

that's okay. Do it. But if I impersonate someone with an accent, that, I impersonate you, that's okay. Do it. But if I impersonate someone with an accent, then that's not okay. No, it is okay. You can do an impersonation. I think where it breaks down is where you're doing,

you know, a racial stereotype. Can Arnold Schwarzenegger be offended from all the impersonations? Well, it depends whether you're impersonating an Austrian

or an American and you're impersonating an Austrian or an American and you're doing him as both. Yeah. But I think racial stereotype is where it's this kind of heightened, very typified accent and you're using a couple of accent features. Rather than doing something accurately for comic effect. Yeah. And that's the difference.

If you're doing something accurately for comic effect, which isn't just a direct send-up, like, you know, then I can see some validity in it. But if you're going, all right, I'm going to do an African-American, well, hello. Hello there. Hang on. Am I following this argument that's a good thing?

That's not a good thing. Oh, that's not a good thing. Right, right. Although, he laughed, so a bit racist. People can't see who you're pointing at, so. No, the guy in the corner. Yeah, yeah. That works for Coca-Cola.

Kate, you said if you were to do a Lawrence Mooney impression, I really want to hear how that impression would go. Yeah, that'd be great. A little something like this. I'm going to shut my eyes and just listen up. I'm going to shut my eyes and pick whether this is really Mooney or not. All right. Sorry.

All right. I've got to try and think of what Lawrence would say. Okay. My name's Lawrence Mooney. Classic Mooney. That's as close as I can get. That is pretty good. Hang on.

Is that Mooney or Frank Spencer? That sounded a little bit Jack Nicholson. That's as close as I can get. That is pretty good. Hang on, is that Mooney or Frank Spencer? That sounded a little bit Jack Nicholson. That's okay. That's a good thing. I'll take that. I like impressions. They should be brought back. I like it when someone sounds like someone else.

Yeah. That's something good. And a good impression is great. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. I don't think there's anyone new that you can do impressions of, though. You always hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and whoever.

I want to hear, who do you impersonate now? Who's got a distinctive voice now? I guess it's always politicians. Koshi. I just love impersonations of Koshi. Do you really? When Comedy Inc. went, it was like, who's going to do Koshi? Dan Illick does a good Koshi.

Oh, yeah. He does, too. Friend of the show, Dan Illick. Don't burn your Comedy Inc. bridges, please, on the program because we want to try and get a job on that show eight years ago. Look, I'm close friends with a lot of people that were in the cast of Comedy Inc., including Fiona Harris, Emily Tahini is one of my closest friends, Paul McCarthy and Jim Russell.

All right. But I'm just saying, I'm bemoaning the passing of a Koshy. Bizarre anecdote. Look, Koshy is a shit person. And to impersonate a shit person and just be him is not enough for me, okay? So points off comedy for that. So you like people that aren't Kosh that sound like Koshi but not Koshi? Well, if you're making fun of Koshi.

Right. But just to be Koshi. Yeah. That's too good. Another internet joke. That's no good. I think Wikipedia has just exploded with all our international listeners racing off there to look up what the hell is a Koshi.

Oh, this goes beyond the borders because it's on the interweb. Oh, hey, Tommy Dasolo. Now, just a quick aside here. Last week I was talking about the clock that's in Fast Forward. It's just there. Where? Oh, no, it's just stopped. What?

Oh, my God. That clock over there. In the next room. Look at it. Look at it going crazy. Wow. That is something. Look, it's going to pick up steam when it gets to the top of it.

What is going on?, it's going to pick up steam when it gets to the top of it. What is going on? Now it's going crazy. So this is a clock where the minute hand is moving a lot faster than one minute at a time. In fact, it looks like a clock that might be in a dream sequence or in Adam Sandler's Click where it's just... Or maybe you're Rod Steiger in The Time Machine. Yeah, or it's like we're in the intro to The Twilight Zone at the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, you might see, to signify time elapsing, a lot of newspapers and dates flicking over and then a clock hand going around. I've just watched it for like a minute and I feel like I should have looked down at you guys and you've all got coffee and heads on the desk going, oh, because you've been talking for 17 hours.

Then you look up at her again and then you look at us and we're all wearing silver suits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're from the future. Hey, we were talking just on the impressions thing. You mentioned Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is a classic sort of overused comedy impression. What are you talking about? Is that an Asian person again? Do Vietnamese Arnold Schwarzenegger.

What are you talking about? That was pretty good. That was pretty good for what it was, which was terrible. Who are you talking about? Because that's a classic Schwarzenegger thing. What are you talking about? Do I'll be back? No.

Get to the chopper. Get to the chopper. It's a chopper read. No, you know, his line, get to the chopper. I'll be back. You forgot the Asian bit. I-Bak. That's not, you forgot the Asian bit. I just made it

a bit more retarded. Sounds like a Vietnamese person who's had a stroke doing an unimpersonation. That is probably pretty accurate. Why are you painting me into this racist

Schwarzenegger small-minded corner? We would clip this out if you only had an insistent at the top of the show. I don't think it should be clipped out. I don't think it should be.

Anyway, Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know, sort of like overused kind of comedy impression. In the UK, you know who they have as the spokesperson for Vodafone? Yoda. Yoda. Really? All of their ads at bus stops are like Yoda going, get cheaper text, you will.

Isn't that remarkable? Don't Yoda impersonators annoyingly put everything back to front? Yeah. What do you mean it's Yoda? It's a picture of Yoda. It's like all their ads, all their billboards and stuff. I didn't really watch any TV over there, so I don't know if it's a TV campaign as well.

But it's Yoda telling you how good the rates are on Vodafone. So is George Lucas just making some sweet coin out of that? I guess so. I guess so. I don't think they'd just be using it without licence. Copyright laws being what they are and all. But who does he – he owns the whole – Yoda.

Yoda's not a person. I know he's not. The puppet hasn't gone rogue. What about Yoda? Is he getting any cash out of this? What about his sex life? I hope he's not still living in that fucking swamp after all his Vodafone coin.

Yoda's just like all the women from Prisoner, not seeing any fucking royalties. Oh, don't they see any royalties? No. Well, because they're in prison. Yeah. You're not allowed to earn money if you're in prison. Criminal.

Criminal sluts. Moony, what about African-American Yoda? Oh, no. That's just too sensitive. Have I finally found the line that Moony won't cross? Vietnamese. Well, I'm not a massive Star Wars fan, so my Yoda would be average. So that's the only reason you won't do it.

But you are a massive kindergarten cop fan. I think you'll find my Vietnamese Arnold Schwarzenegger was pretty accurate. Yeah. I'll tell you who I spent quite a bit of time with over there, Dutch families, which I know you do a wonderful Dutch character. Oh, the Dutch families, I like them very much. You know, what were you doing in Holland? Or the Netherlands, as some people call it.

You know, it's a beautiful part of the world. Were you smoking a hashish or did you have your finger in a duck? Can you just put the dumb button on every one of us except for Mooney? If we just sign Mooney on permanently under this show, we'll never have to have a guest again. You know, you're making a lot of fun there, but who's getting the most laughs here? I am.

And my name is Dr. Rudy Vanderstone. And I am actually from Australia. My father's Dutch and my mother's from the Netherlands. And I came out here. I work as a plumber. My ute sparked out the front. And, you know, that's pretty much my life. But a lot of people say the Dutch are arrogant,

and that's because we're very good at everything. And, Rudy, I understand you and Lawrence do go way back. You've known him since he was a child. Is that correct? Yes, I used to coach him at soccer. Yes. And I also took him for sex education. Now, what does that entail?

Well, I showed him his first erection. And because I think, you know, because a little boy could get scared, so I showed him what it was really like. And he was fascinated. Was he a good student? He was a very advanced And he was fascinated. Was he a good student? He was a very advanced student for his age. He's always been quite interested in sexual activities.

And so I let him watch me and my wife, Uma, have sexual intercourse. And did that have any impact on his performance on the soccer field at all? He was, you know, he won Best Clubman and he won Most Determined a couple of times. He was borderline retarded on the soccer field. He's not a very coordinated young man. Are you still in touch with Lawrence? Do you go and see his comedy festival shows at all? That's why I'm here with him today at the Little Dum Dum Club. I love it here. It's very funny and you guys have got a nice little radio

show that goes up on the internet and people can listen to it if they're got a free Wi-Fi somewhere. That's a good advertisement for our own show within our show. That's good. That'll encourage people to keep listening. I'll give you a little promo.

If you're out there listening to the little dum-dum club, make sure you listen to the little dum-dum club. Thanks, Rudy. Rudy, is this your first time meeting Kate McLennan? Were you a fan of her work on Ben Elton, Life from Planet Earth? No, no. I really – well, Ben Elton was just a genius. I mean, you know, some of his monologue, you know, when he says,

the Americans say go to the bathroom when they're going to the toilet, and you go in there and there's no bath, that is genius. I take my hat off to him and I say to the executives of Channel 9, why did you can such genius? You know, and all the jokes about the boobies. I think, you know, there's Benny Hill and there's Ben Elton. And interestingly, Ben Elton, very early on in his career, was very, very critical of Benny Hill and now he has become him.

It's quite ironic, isn't it? Ben, is there something between the Bens? Is there something with Bens that makes you a comedy genius? Yes, Benny Hill is a comedian and Ben Edelton's a bit of a cunt. I think he's the similarity there. Kate, any questions? Any questions for Rudy? Well, the first time I met Rudy was at a comedy night,

but you were talking about, I think you were talking about your daughter and you were also giving her a sex education. Yeah, I taught her sex education. Yes, that's right, my little daughter Chloe. Because I think, you know, a girl should maybe see an erection the first time with her father. Was she in the same class as Lawrence? No, she's a little bit younger than Lawrence,

so, you know, I've been running these things for a while, sometimes through the Catholic education system. I don't want anyone giggling in silliness here because it's, you know, I think that Australia is fairly sexually repressed, actually. That's what I think, you know, the Australians are very straight.

Whereas in Holland, you know, we smoke some hashish and we get nude. Nudity is very common. You know, the beautiful human body. It's a good thing. Do you want to make some comedy here? Well, Rudy, was it Rudy Vanderhorn? Vanderstone.

Vanderstone. Yeah, Rudy Vanderstone. Well, thank you very much for joining us. And a doctorate. I am a doctor, but it's a doctor of plumbing. Doctor of plumbing, Rudy Vanderhoorn. Right. You probably.

Rudy Vanderstone. Vanderstone, sorry. Just because, you know, what's a problem with you? Okay, I've got to go. Okay, see you, Rudy. Off to Dharma. Lawrence, very restrained. Rudy, give your mic back to Lawrence before you leave.

Rudy, very restrained while Rudy was in here. You didn't have anything you wanted to ask him or anything? I don't want to interrupt Rudy when he's in full flow because he can be very... He's critical of Australians. He thinks that we're lazy and stupid. Yeah, give him a lot of respect. He showed you your first direction.

And that was quite a sight. He was smoking a pipe at the time too. And he also had a cardigan on just just to give it that homely feel, too. Is that how he got the doctorate of plumbing, through all the uses of his erection? No. I think he studied downspouts for a long time. He's really into stormwater. He has pretty impeccable comedy tastes.

He likes Benny Hill, he likes Ben Elton, and he likes this show. Yeah, I don't think he's a big fan of Ben Elton, by the sounds of it. Yeah, he said one rude word, didn't he? He said one rude word. Because he said it and he was being racially stereotyped at the time, is it in or is it out? I did feel bad there because Kate, having Ben Elton as her former boss, was a bit stunned there and I think a bit offended.

So I think Rudy should have probably said sorry. She was doing pretend clapping above her head. What is the news with Ben Elton? Have you heard from him since? No. Funnily enough, I never got a thanks for being involved email. I think my appearance maybe on this podcast might have had something to do with that. What about the reunion show?

The reunion show? Yeah, we're going to have this. It's not just Ben Elton's reunion show, but it's going to be like a Let Loose Live reunion show. So it's basically going to be a series of all the act, sketch, comedy shows from the last 10 years. And we're all just going to have one show each. Let Loose Live hosted by William McInnes.

Odd choice, isn't it? That was the first one. But it was like a Saturday Night Live set up. The second one was hosted by William McInnes. Odd choice, isn't it? That was the first one. But it was like a Saturday Night Live set. The second one was hosted by? Tom Williams. Tom Williams. Yeah. Ah, here's some comedy.

And then the third one was hosted by? There was no third one. That's okay, show. It had two episodes, like what the comedy panel show on Channel 7? I was going to say The White Room, but then you said comedy. The White Room had two episodes. Yes. We were all involved in that.

It was killed at birth. Yeah. What about this? Have we talked about the White Room recording that they had to do twice because they forgot to tell panel member Lawrence Mooney that it was airing in a PG-rated time slot? Oh, no. And then proceeded to show him clips of half-clothed men and just.

I was, oh, it's a long time ago. It's 2010, so it's a long time ago now. It's two years ago. Yeah, it's a long time. It's 2010, so it's a long time ago now. It's two years ago. Yeah, it's a long time. Greg Fleet's comedy, Die on Your Feet, is just in the final stages of editing now.

That's the truth. I'm not telling fibs. Hang on. Down to the final five years before. Yeah. Hang on. You're getting at us for talking about The White Room for it being too long ago, yet you're going to talk about Greg Fleet's Die on Your Feet, which has been in post-production for six years now.

No, no. It was shot two years ago, and I'm saying it's too long ago by way of saying I just saw a clip of myself that I had to do an additional voiceover for, and I was bigger than I am now and bearded. I was really going through my Oliver Reed phase in 2010. I was a big, angry, drunk, bearded man. I looked awesome.

Did you have to put yourself back into the mind frame of having a beard when you did The Voice? In a way, the character is drunk most of the time. So it was just before I came in to do the little dum-dum. So I'm doing a drunk bloke's voice first thing in the morning. Very difficult. Did you actually do the voiceover or were you just called in to do the voiceover by Fleety? He got in there, it's an empty room, and him going,

look, can I get 40 bucks off you? No, it was an actual voiceover. Are you sure? There's an actual term for it that I'm trying to think of. Is it VDR or something? ADR. ADR, which stands for? Oh, I should know this.

I don't know. Additional dialogue. Dialogue recording. Yes, yes, that's it. Seems so obvious now. Isn't it so easy Like SPC

But it doesn't necessarily I don't know if that Is that what it stands for ATB AF Sometimes it's not dialogue Sometimes it's just Additional 20 bucks asking for Panting

The things that I record It's usually panting Oh Panting Hang on Do you What Was this in Greek Fleet Show as well?

Just you panting. Give us some of your best panting. Slow down, Fleety. I'm not, I don't have any money. Doing panting. Yeah. I think Rudy would have enjoyed that a lot. That's dog panting.

Yeah, yeah. That's panting for a dog. Yeah, yeah. I often voice over dogs. Yeah, because that was such a dog. That was an interrupted pant. It was like... Kids animation has always got running. So you've got all this... And so they put in the footsteps. So you've sort of got to go...

Like that. And so you do sound like a dog in real life. So if you caught me recording of a panting child on your hard drive, are you getting time for that? Are you going down? I got this. I went into a hardware shop in Melbourne, Australia, and it's very hard to go into a hardware shop that's not the massive chain anywhere in the world.

Like an independent hardware store. Yeah, an independent hardware store. A mom and pop's hardware store. That's not the massive chain anywhere in the world. Yeah, like an independent hardware store. Yeah, an independent hardware store. A mum and pops hardware store. That's right. A mum and dad run. And it was, I reckon, what I got behind the counter was the grandad. You can still buy 50 cents worth of mixed nails? Yeah.

Was this polyester hardware? I got a grandad with a band-aid on his forehead, like he hadn't seen the low-hanging spade or something. And he had a hearing aid and he had the home, the hardware's brand polo shirt on. Oh, great. Lovely guy. And I think I dealt with his grandson because I spoke to him first.

I said, I've got a rat problem. I want a rat trap. I want to, first. I said, I've got a rat problem. I want a rat trap. I want to, he goes, do you want bait? And I went, no, because I don't want to kill possum, dog or cat. I want a trap. I want to smash it properly. And he goes, he calls out to his grandson. He goes, show this bloke where the traps are.

And so grandson comes down. You know, hardware store grandson, he hasn't done so well at school, but he's at home in the hardware store grandson He hasn't done so well at school But he's at home in the hardware store He hasn't But he's got a place where he's going to have gainful employment Amongst people that love him And he shows me to the traps And then takes me back to the counter

And now it's grandfather and grandson standing side by side And they're talking about, you know, the virtue of a trap And the grandson says to me standing side by side, and they're talking about, you know, the virtue of a trap. And the grandson says to me, anyway, you've got to bait it up with a bit of bacon fat. They love bacon fat or peanut butter. All right, so bacon or peanut butter. I said, and if I don't get a rat, I'll get Elvis. And the grandfather goes, good one.

And the grandson goes, I like it. So I got a good one and an I like it. Oh, great. Which means I'm going through to the quarterfinals. Spanning through generations. If only the middle one had been there to give you a thumbs up. Or if the ghost of the great-grandfather had just rocked up. Yeah.

Or Elvis himself. Yeah. Had to give him of the great-grandfather had just rocked up. Yeah. Or Elvis himself had a given a bit of, mm-hmm. So I'm off to Sydney for the hardware shop joke quarterfinals. Well, speaking of consumer business, I got this haircut that you see in front of you the other day. Which one did you have cut? Ooh. You know what? You're front of you the other day. Which one did you have cut? You know what? You're out of the quarter final. I don't know if we're allowed to publicly say this, but you are going to be a father again. I am going to be a father again.

Which is officially a dad joke. I think that's following on from the hardware shop. Yes, my wife is currently 16 weeks pregnant. So your body is going through changes as well by the sound of it? It's emitting dad jokes? Well, we had our 12-week scan recently, and the baby looks like it might be a Collingwood supporter, but we're going to keep it anyway. Yay!

We're being very brave. Now, there's a great tradition in Australia. Stepped all over my haircut story with this news of your child, you selfish old man. Go on. We'll get back to you. You're on every week. The people want to hear me. It's just good to laugh again. That's so good, to be able to laugh again.

That's so good. You'll be able to laugh again. Whenever you tell somebody you're pregnant or your wife's pregnant in Australia, there's a great tradition of who's the father. Who's the father. Yeah. So I don't know who the father is. And who is the father? Well, I don't know.

But my wife makes a mean spaghetti carbonara, so I'm hanging in there. I don't know, but my wife makes a mean spaghetti carbonara, so I'm hanging in there. Scratches balls, licks lips, looks around for attention. So you had a haircut. Oh, God. Anyway, I had a haircut. By a man or a woman?

By a man. Nice guy, got on really well. And then he cut my ear very viciously with the scissors by accident. Blood pooling down my neck. And he was very apologetic. He's, oh, 25 years cutting hair. I've never done this. Wow.

Could not have been more upset about it. Anyway, you know, finishes off the haircut, gives me a bit of cotton to hold on the wound. Anyway, I get to the end to pay and I'm thinking. He's got to knock some dollars off. No. Nothing. Full price.

That's dumb. Full price haircut for having my ear sliced open. Just to give us an idea of where you're getting your haircut. In fact, I'll tell you what street you're getting your haircut in and the name of the barber's. What price? Well, this was in London. Right. Well, I won't be going there.

So it's no Gertrude Street. No. Dr. Follicles. No, it wasn't a Dr. Follicles. Yeah. I wouldn't have minded if it was Dr. Follicles because I would have had a beard. So, oh, 25 years in the business, I've never cut somebody's ear open, gov. Did he do that? Could not have been the opposite of that.

Really? Yeah. So it wasn't Sweeney Todd. But I felt bad because I, you know. I ain't fag. I ain't fag. I've never cut anyone's ear open. Yeah, a bit more like that.

I would have, you know, normally you'd sort of think, come on, mate, knock a bit. Is that Asian? Normally you'd think you'd go, come on, mate, knock a bit off that. But we'd been getting on, like we'd been having a good chat. You know, I felt like we were mates. I kind of didn't want to ask. And he even went, oh, you know, if you get home and you're not happy with it, I'm here all day tomorrow and I'm happy to come in and, you know.

How much? It was 20 pounds. So that's like nearly 30 bucks. It's nearly $30. Nearly 30 bucks. Isn't it more? More than that. that's like nearly 30 bucks. It's nearly $30. Nearly 30 bucks. Isn't it more? More than that. No, it's 30 bucks.

It's like plus a half. Exchange rates are a lot better. Yeah, it's good. It's good at the moment. It's 0.6. Yeah, it's $30, a bit more. Yeah. A bit more than 30.

If you go to a barber's like that, do you get a head massage? Do they wash your hair? Do you get the shampoo? Yeah. Yeah, I got all that. I barber's like that, do you get a head massage? Do they wash your hair? Do you get the shampoo? Yeah. Yeah, I go to that. I don't like that. I shampoo my own hair. Yeah.

Well, you like washing your own hair. Yeah. I feel a bit weird to go in there and admit that I have dirty hair to someone and go, yeah, you can get onto this. You should go to my hairdresser. I went in for a haircut yesterday. Look at this. Haircut 100. Talk about, you know, 1980s. Did you in for a haircut yesterday look at this haircut 100

yeah talk about you know 1980s did you really have a haircut yesterday yeah i did i like that because it looks like it in a good way it looks like it hasn't been cut yeah i like that i go to a hairdresser and go i'll just have a little bit off and it's like or a mr t like they just do their own thing well he said to me my uhio, my hairdresser, he goes, did you wash your hair this morning, mate? And I proudly said, yep. Even expecting it to be washed again, he goes, oh, shit. He goes, don't wash your hair.

I like dirty hair. It's easy to cut. Oh, really? Yeah. Why do they wash it? Well, he doesn't. He washes it after and then he cuts the dirty hair. Then you get the wash and the head massage and the product. So it's probably easier to cut if it's been washed and it's still wet.

But if you come in with frizzy hair, then it's harder to cut. Yeah, they hate fluffy hair. Yeah, right. Boy, this really has changed tone, hasn't it? But really, I've got to say, he didn't start hacking off bits of my anatomy because he's so incompetent. I like your haircut. You've got a good head of hair.

Thanks. And I just want to put it out there right now. I've been accused of dying. I've never died. I mean, I've died a blonde. Yeah, I was going to say. I've died a blonde. And there can be no argument.

And that's a bigger thing to admit. Yeah. I had a blonde period. I had a blonde period where I went to my dentist. In your FM radio days. That's dentist. In your FM radio days. That's right, in my FM radio days at the nadir of my madness. In that last scene of Apocalypse Now, that was you, except without being bald, you actually had a full head of blonde hair.

I was more Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now than Marlon Brando, but really everyone's pretty mental in that film. And I went to my dentist and I wanted my teeth whitened. Oh, I thought you were just going to say you wanted your teeth blonde as well. Well, I did. I wanted them white. I was like losing my mind. And the dentist refused.

He said, no, I won't do it. I hate the look of it and it's bad for your teeth and it destroys your amalgam restorations. And I said, come on. Well, you know, why aren't you doing it? He goes, well, let's put it this way. Your teeth aren't as yellow as your hair, so maybe you need to sort that out. That's good.

I'm still floating high on going to the dentist yesterday and getting the clean. Oh, yeah. That's a good three days, isn't it? Yeah, well, I'm pretty. The prophylaxis, where they chip away. Yeah, it's good. I really like that.

I've just noticed every time you've spoken, there's been a bit more zest in it. Just very proud to open your mouth. Every word I speak, my tongue is running underneath of my bottom teeth. I've been trying not to eat too much because I just want to keep it. Have you been sucking air through the gaps that weren't previously there? They kind of chip away some horror. Yeah. I knew there wasn't much wrong with my teeth, so I was looking forward to going to the dentist.

I don't think I've ever had that because I just knew I was going to get the nice new teeth feeling. Oh, man. It's so good. Are you doing that thing now where you're going, I'm going back every six months? Yeah. I'm making that appointment every six months now. Yeah.

You've got to go every six months. Well, I don't. As Pockets found out, there's a direct relation between gum disease and heart disease. Oh, can I tell you a story about Pockets? Mum rang up- Hang on, for context, Pockets is your dad. Pockets is my dad. Mum rang up last night, and she said that dad had just been to the dentist.

They're up in Queensland away on holiday. And so dad- Now that, sorry, that is wasting your holiday time. What? Going to the dentist while you're on holidays But this, why? So dad had throat cancer last year It's like getting your hair cut

Jesus No one told me Pockets had throat cancer He had throat cancer He's had it all He's had it all But he had throat cancer last year And he had radiation He's fine

He's all fully recovered He'd given up smoking this time No No Jesus Wow Triple bypass Two triple bypass Two triple bypasses He'd given up smoking this time. No? No. Jesus. Wow. Triple bypass? Two triple bypasses.

Prostate cancer. A bit of prostate cancer. And throat cancer. Throat cancer. Yeah. And he still won't put it down. He's mad. He's mad. He's mad, but we've given up caring now.

So he... How old is he, Pockets? 67? 65 or so. Oh, yeah. But because he had radiation in his mouth, it can do weird things to you. So he's got... He had to have all his teeth removed before he...

Is his saliva coming out as a web? I don't know. He's starting to go all over. He went to the dentist because he thought he was growing a new tooth at the back of his mouth and he got this ulcer under his tongue. So he went to get this tooth checked out. And so at the dentist, the dentist was like, that's not a tooth, mate. That's a stray bone growing out of his gums.

So he had to sit there and have this bone basically sanded back in his mouth. Shocking. Is that the first time he's ever had a bone in his mouth? I mean, they can get into a lot of stress in combat situations. That is horrendous. That's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. Yeah, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm respectful. Why are you brushing over it? Why are you glancing over it? No, you weren't respecting the double entendre. You know, let the 15-year-old breathe. You awkwardly touched your face and moved on. And if that's what this show has become then.

Fuck you, guys. What about this? So Tommy Daslow's just gotten back from London. This is the first in-studio appearance he's had for a little while. Have you guys been doing the show? Yes. Yeah, we did one. We got a couple up our sleeve.

Yeah, via Skype. We did one on Skype, yeah. But this is something I recently found out only a couple of days ago because I went for the audition with Tommy D'Astolo. I found out that you went for the same audition as well, Lawrence Mooney. Oh, for the sea in the Commonwealth Bank. Yes. Sea and tea.

Can, can't. Yes. Yes, I did go for the same audition. And do you know who I auditioned with? I auditioned with two of the Four Knowles. Ah. And they're, I don't know who they are. with? I auditioned with two of the four gnolls. Ah. And they're, I don't know who they are. They're a comedy trio.

Right. Jesse, James and John. Right. Oh, Wilson Dixon. Wilson Dixon. Jesse? Yeah. Yeah. And we went for it and didn't get it.

But I've got to say, Tommy. That's the three of you. The three of you. So, yeah, we didn't have a fourth. Oh. No, there was a fourth member, but I can't remember who that guy was. Who played the apostrophe? No one played the apostrophe, but I played the T, I think.

But I thought you did pretty well in that. You know, I tried to look. It's an ad for a bank, for those who don't know what we're talking about. And the idea is the word can't has a rogue T and he keeps getting chased away. So the word becomes can. Yes. I thought they should have used the mispronunciation

of the word can't a bit more. You are the first person to say that about it. Really? Yeah. No. Balloons are about to come down from the ceiling, but you being the billionth person who said it, I think. Yeah.

And I think that they did toy with that a little bit. But I thought I tried to watch it in a vacuum, watching all four letters, and I thought you stood out. You were pretty good. No, you were. And obviously they gave you a little additional dialogue. You never go to the theatre. Yeah, you know what that was?

That was a bit of ADR. Was it? There was a bit of ADR work in there. There was a see you mate that made its way into one of them. Was there? In an ADR session. Was there really? See you mate.

I do like how you've, once you've gotten this ad, obviously in ads there's a lot more money and, you know, especially with the Commonwealth Bank, there's going to be a lump sum involved. I like how, without saying anything, the difference in your tweets and Facebook, half of your updates have been now, hey, so what sort of iPad should I buy, guys? Oh, no. What's the best sort of Mercedes-Benz? S-Class?

Is that the one that's out now? Absolutely untrue. Absolutely untrue. Oh, yeah. I'm on public transport and some of these people aren't even wearing vans. How much are you supposed to tip a butler? It's all this sort of stuff. I'm having my eyebrows waxed again, and this guy's being really rude to me.

Well, you can just get a look at this diamond ring on my middle finger, Cal Chandler. Thank you very much. Maybe the hairdresser in London had seen the ads and went, I'm not giving him that. This guy's back again. He can afford it. He's loaded.

Let's see if blue blood comes out. So, big billboards promoting this year's Comedy Festival show. That's it. That's it. Me next to the Hogsbreath Cafe. That's going to be it. Will you do that on your Comedy Festival poster for next year? Will you have as seen on Commonwealth Bank ads?

No. I doubt it. No, you won't. No. No, you won't. Not allowed to do that. My manager's telling me no. I reckon doing ads is fine.

I'm not a big believer in that, you know, you've sold out. It's bullshit. You know, you're kind of like disarming the comedy bomb or whatever. It's like, fuck off. Guy's starving. Yeah. Needs to make some dollars, you know. Yeah, for sure.

His parents are just living in a really expensive suburb, driving around in European cars. Let's just back away and let him do his Commonwealth Bank Act. Oh, it was about me in the end. Because of that ad that I'm able to afford my Kyle Sanderland-style gold microphone that I'm talking into right now. With all that money, he's going to buy multiple new fake names. So it's not just Daslo.

It's like LeDaslo now. You've done your dash, mate. You've done your dash. Everyone's really holding on you. It's good, isn't it? It's us and them, see? So Carl, have you... It is nice to be in the 1%, though. I will say that.

Carl, have you ever done an advertisement? I haven't successfully, no. I've been for a few auditions. You've auditioned. I'm not cut out for it. The answer's no, Carl. Yeah. I wasn't making any excuses.

I was saying, no, I don't think I'm any good at it. I haven't successfully... It's like, have you done an ad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've auditioned. Because the last ad I did was sorbent toilet paper. Oh, yes. Oh, you're right.

Who else was in that ad with you? Who was the person? Jodie J. Hill. That's right. Yeah, it's the secret bathroom ad where I kick a soccer ball into a linen press and it opens up into a secret bathroom. And whenever I wipe my ass, I think of you, Lawrence. But having said that, I thought the same before I saw that ad.

Right. That's a good one. I like that ad. I like that ad. My gut was hanging out. Oh, really? And that ad, my wife's got a contention that when I act, I push my stomach out of some kind of protective device.

I said, do I really look that fat? And she goes, no, I think you push your stomach out. It's like some weird thing a gorilla would do. Some kind of puffer fish or something, you know. Laurence Olivier always did that. But you stick your bum out the opposite way. Right. You get this kind of.

I can get this. Which is, what a weird posture. I stick my ass and my gut out. How do you even do that at the same time? Well, if you do one, the other one happens. Yeah, which is what a weird posture. I stick my ass and my gut out. How do you even do that at the same time? Well, if you do one, the other one happens. Yeah, right. So I should really stick my pelvis forward. Maybe I'm disarming myself sexually so people aren't alarmed and frightened.

So I'm kind of like I'm inverting my cock. Yeah. You try not to make a sexy sorbent ad. That's probably a good thing. Yeah. I don't think sorbent ad. That's probably a good thing. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think sorbent toilet rolls about the sex. It's about sticking your ass out, isn't it? Yeah.

Essentially. Yeah. What was the latest? Was it a sorbent ad with the dog sniffing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that. Yes. Which is really quite horrifying.

Yeah. It makes you feel like- The point of the dog is sniffing someone's ass who hasn't wiped properly. Yeah. Ooh, that's right. That's an ad. That's an ad now. So what other kind of insecurity can you play on?

The thing is the toilet paper ad, which is part of the secret bathroom, you open it up and the walls are pristine white. There's a bath running. It's white. Everything's white. There's no brown in a toilet roll ad. Did you have to dye your hair blonde again for it?

No, because that would intimate urine. He had to dye his hair blue like a toilet duck. But the puppies are kind of very blondy too. Have you ever wiped your ass on a puppy? That's nice. No. You can wash them and start all over again. Are you doing an ad for that? Is this – when are we going to start recording the show? Let me talk about this quickly.

Whilst I was away, I went out in – I went to a nightclub one night. Oh, right. I had a horrendous night out with Milan from Punchline who just appeared magically one night and worked his evil magic. He's appeared magically in a lot of horrible, horrendous, drunken stories. Who's Milan? Milan, who works for Punchline DVDs. You'd know him. He's very generous.

He wears a backward baseball cap, and if you're ever at a comedy night and you have a scotch thrust in your face, it's because of Milan. I think I've met Milan. So he appeared one night. He's a lovely bloke as well. He's great. Excellent. And so ended up at this god-awful club in Piccadilly Circus with a group of Norwegian

people, just the worst establishment I've ever been in. But this is what happened. A guy comes up from the club with a camera, takes a photo of the group of us. You think, oh yeah, that's going on a website somewhere. You know, that's part of the course. takes a photo of the group of us. You think, oh, yeah, that's going on a website somewhere. You know, that's part of the course.

Rocks up five minutes later and presents us with a key chain of the photo that he's taken. Oh, wow. For four bucks. I've never experienced that anywhere else before. Did you feel pressured to buy it? Oh, I bought it, yeah, for sure. I definitely bought it. When else are you going to get a keychain of you on a horrendous night out?

But then it made me think that that's a lot of, like, he didn't suss out the interest. Like, he didn't go, if I was to appear in five minutes with a keychain of this photo, would you buy it? He went away and came back with them, which suggests to me that just out the back of this club there's this whole keychain-making operation going on. And statistically, how many people are buying these keychains?

Like, there must just be this insane surplus of keychains sitting around. That's a lot of work. I reckon if it's for a going price of £4, I think that most people would probably buy. Yeah. The pressure's there until you think, well, you've gone to the trouble. Oh, I don't want to turn you down. Yeah. We had the same thing when we just came back the other day via KL, and we went up to the trouble, I don't want to turn you down. Yeah. We had the same thing when we just came back the other day via KL

and we went up to the top of some tower and they took the photo and it was like, I forget how much it was, it was like $15 to go up to the top of this tower. So it was quite pricey to go up. So they took a photo of us and I thought, oh, maybe that's complimentary. And then when we came back down, they thrust the photo and a magnet to the same thing that had gone and made a magnet. And we were we came back down, they thrust the photo and a magnet. So the same thing. They'd gone and made a magnet.

And we were like, nah, nah, thanks. But that same thing, it occurred to me like, is there just some bin out the back for just tourist photos? Or just all the staff have just all these magnets of people they don't know on their fridge at home. When you say they made the magnet, had they got some dormant metal and run electrical current through it to polarise it and give

it a north-south current. That reeks of someone who just coincidentally this morning happened to be looking up how they make magnets and just finally... You know what it is. He talked for too long to that old bloke at the hardware shop. It was also another dad joke. They made the magnet. Oh, did they make the magnet?

You know, when I lived in Ballarat once, the whole time I lived there, it snowed properly once. And when it snowed, I'd never seen proper snow before, where you can go out and throw snowballs and stuff like that. I'd never seen that. So we went out there, and we were all like 17, 18-year-old, a bunch of four boys. Just wrestling.

Yeah, exactly. Just wrestling. That sort of thing. A bit of shyacking. Oh, there's a bone in my wrestling. Yeah, exactly. Just wrestling. That sort of thing. Yep. A bit of shyacking. Oh, there's a bone in my mouth. Yeah, exactly. So we were throwing. Now, let's point out, this is Mooney laughing at a reference to his own joke.

Yeah. We were throwing snowballs. I like how he was just completely disarmed by Kate McLennan then. Like, it was like, shut the fuck up. No, no, no. I'll do it for you if you shut up. So we're throwing these snowballs around and whatever, and the fuck up. No, no, no. I'll do it for you if you shut up. So we're throwing these snowballs around

and whatever and this car stops and this guy comes out with this big professional camera and starts taking pictures going, oh, just pose like this, boys.

And then we get to the end and go, oh, so are you from the Ballarat Courier, the local newspaper? He's like, no, and drives away. Hey, that just about

brings us to the end. No. I want to give you another hour so you can end a decent show together. It's been the worst Little Dum Dum ever. We had a nice ad in the middle, you should listen to the Little Dum Dum Club, and then Lawrence at the end goes, you shouldn't listen to the Little Dum Dum Club. That's like a magnet in itself. Chalk and cheese.

Well, when I say the worst, if you get to the end and think this is awesome, go to the back catalogue. Yeah, there you go. Lawrence, people are going to be able to see you soon, Kane and Disabled. Give us a bit of a wrap of that before we head out of here. Kane and Disabled is a little comedy interstitial on ABC2. And for those of you who aren't in the territory, you can go to iView, ABC TV iView, and watch them. And essentially, it's a show that features a sports talk show

called Ernie Cain's Paralympic Heroes. I host the show. I play the part of Ernie Cain. And Ernie Cain is a man that only sees the disability. So he's very insensitive to the plight and lives of his Paralympic guests. He's rude to them. He shows them very scant regard. He always loses, and so the victor is the Paralympian,

and so comedy ensues. He's kind of one of those classic sports host throwbacks, shoes. He's kind of one of those classic sports host throwbacks. Mustachioed, kind of macho, self-obsessed, ego-driven man and he's seemingly been stuck with this show called Ernie Cain's Paralympic Heroes. And it's all as part of the promotion for the Paralympics coming up starting on ABC2 on August the 30th and then I'm going to be part of a panel covering it with Stephanie Brands,

who's a sportscaster from SBS and Channel 9, and Adam Zwa of Agony Uncle and Agony Aunt fame. So look out for Ernie Kane's Paralympic Heroes. And you're about to head over there to London to do stuff for it? I'm off to Londres. Yep. If you need haircut or nightclub recommendations, I can happily oblige. I might go back and just get a little touch-up today because I just want a little bit more

off the top. Really? Yeah. I like it. I go in for the touch-up. Right. You know, they go, come back if you're not happy. I do go back.

I've never done that. Because I like the peppermint tea. They've got it in an infuser. And it's fun playing with the infuser. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. I've changed, haven't I?

I've changed. All right, well, that is all the time we have for today on The Little Dum Dum Club. Lawrence Mooney, Kane and Disabled, starting on ABC2. Kate McLennan, what have you got coming up? The Downlaw is making a return at the Fringe Festival, I see. We're doing a grand final day special, so you can come along. If you've got no interest in football, come along.

If you do have an interest in football, you probably want to go to someone else's place but we're going to have a bit of fun with that. If you're listening to the show on the day it comes out on the Wednesday you have just missed out on the live Little Dunrun Club Yeah you blew it. You really blew it. But I'm in

Perth as we speak I'm doing gigs from the Wednesday to the Saturday with friends of the show, Xavier Michaelides. Yes. Sweet combo. Xavier is just powering. I saw his stand-up recently, and he's going ahead and looks about.

Present company, accepted, of course. For sure. You're all doing tremendous work. You're young people, and I'm proud of it. We're all equal, aren't we? Equally great. Equally great. Equally great. Xavier Michelides is just absolutely pumping out.

Yeah, he's seen better. He's got beautiful eyes. Has he? He really does. Has he got lovely eyes? All the ladies say so. Oh, really? It's just as well.

Not even the ladies know. Something to distract from that. Bald. That fucking bald head of his. I'm not letting you off scot-free. I'll pump the guy's tyres up. If you want to be funny, you're bald freak. Come and see me in the Dome in Perth.

Thanks very much for listening, guys. Thank you, Kate McLennan and Lawrence Mooney, for joining us. Pleasure. And we will see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.