The Luke and Pete Show - A public toilet conspiracy

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Have you ever walked into a bathroom and accidentally cockblocked an orgy? Well, one listener is certain he did!In other news, Pete has fallen victim to another theft of his beloved bike and Luke recalls the time a police officer sniffed his hands for signs of excrement.Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on X, Threads or Instagram.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Football Ramble is the only podcast you need this football season. Join us five times a week as we cover all the latest news from the biggest sport in the world. My favourite line from the story that you're referring to here on Ratcliffe's cost saving measures at Man United is the following. Some workers have also claimed that they are being forced to eat in a toilet. We'll talk about the game's biggest stars. Get the crosses into Ronaldo. He is a head on a stick this bloke. He's like a kid at school who only eats spam.

We see the game like no one else. Jamie Vardy is a man who every time he's subbed off he behaves like a man in a bar who's been asked to leave. Yeah. With a unique insight and analysis you can't get on any other football podcast. Sorry to our American listeners who are big fans of Slim Jims. We've got much better ones and they're called peperamis, bit of an animal. They're thin kind of meats, kind of extruded meats with like a hard shiny greasy shell. So join us the world's original football podcast because football doesn't have to be

serious. Search Football Ramble in your podcast app to subscribe and listen now. Peter, you're dressed very smart. I did it deliberately for the Luke and Pete show. Thank you very much. I feel very, very proud that you've made an effort for that Have you seriously you're on the way back from court though? No, I found a shirt on the floor that I had ironed but not Not not worn so shut up creative cloud Very creative you just found a shot on the floor. That's all it is guys everyone listening

He's just found a shot on the floor It's called fashion and now Adobe Creative Cloud is getting involved for crying out loud. Yeah I found a shirt on the floor and then that's exactly what my neighbor said, Neil, a little a minute ago he said why are you dressed so nicely and I said I found a shirt on the floor so I can't even pretend to be dressed nice I've got to tell everyone that it wasn't deliberate, I just found a shirt on the floor. A shirt you found on... you've hit such a low ebb that a shirt you found on the floor is inspiring positive comments from everyone you meet.

Where do I go next? Shirts... um... Trousers in a tree? You've seen that in a park, don't you? Trousers in a tree. And you sort of wonder what kind of day if they had It's interesting actually because the other day someone friend of mine asked me We just chatting shooting shit over a beer in the garden You know probably what's gonna transpire to be the last day of summer right and I put the boy down and I was I was gonna be in the garden my neighbor jumped over the wall because I live in a 90s sitcom

And came out a beer with me and he said to me, what's your, what's the lowest ebb, right? And I was racking my brains about it. Probably watching my neighbour jump over with a four pack of cans. He saw me sitting there with a beer in my hand and just looked at me and just went, what's your lowest ebb? Like in a way that he thought this might be top three. Is there any barrel left?

So he said, I'm scraping the ground where the barrel used to be. But no, and do you know what came to mind? I'm not saying this is my lowest, Ed, but the lowest thing I think has happened to me is that back in the day, I had a few beers with a friend of mine, Mad Phil. You know Mad Phil? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And he and I were outside another friend of ours house in this little quiet street that he lives down and we were just causing trouble, you know, just doing stupid shit. Nothing like bad, but like, you know, moving the bins around or, you know, taking people's front gates off, that kind of stuff, right? Taking people's front gates off? Yeah, just swapping them around. Are you a robot cop?

Just swapping them around. How do you do that? Are they all generic fittings? Those metal gates, they kind of lift off. Er, no! So, around where I grew up, the front gates would be metal gates, and they'd swing open obviously. Oh, yes.

They're just on little hinges, you just put them off. Yes, okay, right, okay. So we were just swapping them around. Swapping them around. Because a lot of them had the numbers on them. Anyway, so we're doing that and it was like, I'm fairly late at night I suppose. I'm not proud of it. Pre Ring Doorbell.

This is a story about a low ebb, so I'm not proud of it. Anyway, on the street where my friend lived was a guy, who I'm not gonna name for obvious reasons, I think he might be dead now so it would be fine, who got sacked from... He's entered the gates of heaven. Possibly, or hell. Or hell. Do they have gates?

Well, listen, I'll tell you what he's done, you'll have a view on that. He got fired from the local high school, senior school, for being a paedophile, right? Right, okay. Gravity is pulling on that one towards the underworld, yeah. Yeah, and for those listening who are a bit younger, trust me, you don't see nothing. For those of you who are a bit younger. They're everywhere, no, paedophiles were everywhere in the 90s, weren't they? Yeah, exactly. It's just quite a cost over, wasn't it?

Anyway, so he came out of his house and we knew who he was because he was notorious for this reason. Yes. So he had, I don't know if he went to jail or what, I can't remember anyway, he wasn't in jail at that point. And he came out and we're like, oh, there he is. And he and my mate Phil, for reasons that are unknown now, were both wearing bald wigs. I think we just found him and we're just... Will you try to throw him off the trail to make yourself look less attractive to the paedophile by looking like old men? No, because I didn't know the paedophile was going to come out.

Right, okay. We're causing trouble in a quiet street in a suburban village with baldwigs on. No matter what problem this man has with whatever you're up to, you've got the higher ground. Well, that's what I was going to say. And then so he came out and told us off and we were like, we're not listening to you, Pido. Thank you. We're thinking that. You didn't even take the backgates off.

And he called the police on us. Did he? Wow. And the police turned up and we got a proper, we didn't get arrested, we got a proper telling off. All right, Nancy Stephen. And I remember Mad Phil saying to the police officer, that guy's a paedophile. What are you talking to us for?

And when I thought back about that, fast forward now to the present day, back in the back garden, I thought to myself, I think getting the police called on you by a nonce is a low. Yeah, that is. It's hard to get lower than that really. No, it really isn't. So I've somehow engineered a situation

where a paedophile has got the moral high ground over me. Is casting the second stone. Wow, that's fantastic. I think he's dead now anyway, so he'd definitely be down there with Savva and all the rest of them. But we got told to move on, we got told to go home. Go on, put your baldwigs off. The second lowest, Ed, would probably be when me and again, Mad Phil and a few others, we were... I'm not proud of this stuff, guys. I know certain members of my family listen to this,

but think of it like this. I used to be like I was then, which means I'm not now. I've learned the lessons, right? Yeah, he's moved on to cybercrime. Yeah, much, much more heavier crime now. But anyway, we were coming back from the pub one night, and for some reason, we emptied all the dog bins on the road, right? And then the police turned up again.

Nothing to do around there. Police everywhere. It really isn't. Not a lot going on. Couple of us ran into the, because we lived right on the seafront. Ran into the bin. Couple of us run down into the sea and washed our hands in the sea. Right so the police coming up.

But do the police, would the police really be bearing in mind like what the crime is? Do they want to get even more involved? Do they really want to be sniffing people's hands? Well, they tried to, well, that's exactly what happened. Right, oh wow, what they... That's what I'm saying. So at one point I was standing on the seafront road about one in the morning while police officers were smelling all our hands. And then the ones who had dog shit smelling hands, absolutely no rhyme or reason to it.

It's the worst stupid crime ever. You don't get anything out of it. Apart from disease potentially. And the ones whose hands still smell of dog shit had to go all the way back up the seafront road, which is a massive long road, put all the dog shit back. Oh, right, okay. And I suppose you, with clean hands, would be indicted in some kind of fishing smuggling plot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your hands smell of fish. Your hands smell of fish, lads. Sorry.

All right, drop your trousers. I got away with it because I washed my hands. You're definitely police people. I washed my hands in the sea, so I didn't get busted for that one. That's absolutely wild. Because the police would know that all of you were involved in the crime of the century, knocking over some dog bins. Yeah, the police operation back in that part of the world in the 90s was crazy.

Did I ever tell you that a friend of mine, he got a successful complaint upheld to the point where a police officer was moved to another district and suspended because he harassed my friends so often. Yes, I remember this. Yeah. He culminated in him dragging him, police officer turning up to his house that he lived with. It was about 18 at the time. The police officer turned up to the house he was having Christmas dinner with his family at on Christmas day, dragged him out the house so they could both measure the treads on his tires together. Yeah. But the Finnish officer lost it.

He totally lost it. He was obsessed with him. He wouldn't leave him alone. And he got suspended and moved to a different department. Yeah. I mean, written down in black and white, that didn't get suspended, moved elsewhere so he could continue his reign of bad policing. Brilliant. Love that. My friend in question's dad was an ex-Special Forces as well.

Right. And I think there was a chance that you might have done something he might later regret. But yeah, the policing was wild down there. What's your lowest ebb? Well, I would say probably my brush with the law this week is probably my lowest ebb of the week. What the hell happened? I do like to sort of, yeah, sort of batten on the hatches and scrub my record every single Friday night. But yeah, I've had a repeated and a torrential Brush with the Law all this week, really. I've had a phone call from a policeman every single day this week.

What? What's happened? Since Tuesday. And I've had five emails about this fucking thing. Some naughty kids nicked my scooter again. Again? Again. Was it not secured? No, it wasn't the first time neither. I hadn't locked it up but I mean they couldn't really, and to be honest I didn't lock, I didn't even really lock it into a position that means they can only go left. So yeah, some naughty kids just took the scooter. Just drive round circles.

Well, well they sort of- Back where they started. They sort of took it as far as they could go. I took it to a remote location and tried to hotwire it, but little did they know I have my own immobiliser in play, meaning I never fill it with petrol. So they were Yeah, they're up shit creek with my scooter behind the train station. They managed to get about probably a mile from the house and The Bobbies came round and basically I wasn't in, nobody was in. The dogs couldn't furnish the policeman with any details. Couldn't articulate themselves enough. Couldn't articulate themselves as silly sausages. They spoke to my neighbour, Stu.

He's the one with the van. So me and Stu went and picked up the scooter later on. It was like, it was sort of like, it was upright. And a really remote bit of like behind the train station, near the tip. Yeah, I saw the photos. All the wires were removed out of it, weren't they? On this coastal path and from behind I was like oh they've not been able to get us started, they've not broken the lock, everything is fine and dandy and then I took a camera on the front and they kicked the front plate in so they could help wire it.

A senseless crime. To a big player in Leoncy as well. Assumably that's going to send shockwaves around the community and you're going to wreak some kind of havoc in Riverne. Oh the Facebook page I imagine will be full of people getting very animated about it all. But the police keep ringing me to get me to, I don't know, I don't know what they want from me. Like they don't have any self-pect, they don't know who did it I've removed it from the scene so what why why is this policeman keep ringing me so he keeps going I've got your crime number is this we just need some details from you and it's like I said he said what like did it have an immobile like all this stuff and I'm like I don't know it's a thousand pound Chinese scooter that is registered off

the road he says all right well we'll we'll check the NPR cameras to see if we can find the perpetrators of this crime. And I felt like going, please don't, because I've definitely ridden it illegally down to the station a couple of times. Please don't check the cameras. Probably not worth it. Too much hassle. You're busy.

You're so busy. Don't worry about it. You're a so busy guy.! Probably not worth it. Too much action. You're busy. You're so busy. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Because you might see me on the ground, riding down the train station. Oh. So yeah, there's that. Are you seriously worried that you're going to get busted yourself? Get busted?

I don't think that would be very fair. I can't look. That would be amazing. You didn't find the criminals, but you're hauling me over the course for driving when I've registered off the road. The good news is Mr. Donson that we've found the suspects you know we'll be dealing with them immediately. The bad news is I'll need to deliver you 14 fixed penalty notices. So actually there's no point claiming on the insurance.

No, didn't. Are you going to claim on the insurance? That's what you're crying about. Does an insurance register off the road? Don't worry about it. Oh yeah, okay. Don't worry about it. So what did you even report it in the first place then?

I didn't report it, the police found it. It has put me into this whole whirlwind of admin I can't be arsed with. I've done everything I can. I got Stu, the bigger boy from next door. Have you framed this? Is it actually you that did this? You've brought it off the driveway? Please don't track the cameras! Yeah, oh dear. I love the idea of them looking at the camera and it's just you in a dressing gown just

wiggling it across the road. But the last time that the little tour rags stole it, they took a screwdriver to it and that was a 60 quid fix. This is like a tenner maximum. I'm like oh you know fair do's lads. I mean you've at least you've learnt by your mistakes because you couldn't get it working the first time so now you've got it a little bit further anyway but it ran out of petrol so unlucky. And how do you feel about the whole thing? What's your kind of overriding emotion? Do you care? Are you angry with them or not? I should feel violated.

I should, you know, it's just, Damien O'Broad, he had a scooter, similar vibes. People kept stealing it. He kept retrieving it. It's just a little bit of cat and mouse. It's just a little bit of cat and mouse for you. It's an excitement in your life, isn't it? It's an excitement in your life, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly. I remember I used to have a paper round in a really rough part of Gosport. And I used to get my bike seat stolen probably twice a month. Yeah. And it would always be when I'd go to the tower block and I'd have to deliver papers to the top of the tower. There's no lift. I'd be out there for a good while. So you would just have your bike seat?

Yeah, every single time I came down. Oh no, what a shame. I've got to sit on a big pole now. Oh no! No, it's annoying though because I'd only be earning, I told you before, I think I was on £7.50 a week. I think bike seat theft is, I know, who's buying bike seats man like who's buying them like what yeah possible money I think I feel like I just steal the wheels first would that not be a more lucrative I think they were seeing them just for a laugh

though oh let you put you let you push over the dog bins let's remind you of your crimes well no exactly that's why I can't complain. By day, I'm a victim of crime. By night, I'm a Batman, basically. I'm a really, really shit Batman. When the old dog bin thing happened, I remember the police officers just being like, what are you doing? Yeah. We had a call. That is stinky. And when we turned up, we thought you might be I don't know doing a respectful thing like nicking something or trying to gain an

advantage you know what you're basically doing is chucking dog shit everywhere and stinking the place out and you're now gonna go and clean it up. You know what they were saying to us, they didn't say this in so many words but what they were basically saying was you are beneath even being arrested. yeah yeah we don't want you in our jail we're not having you stinking up my little holding cell I can remember as well like back in the day it was when I think it might have been I want to say it was Euro 2000 all day session yeah few of the lads went to the Indian to get a curry and as and we were leaping drunk like it was bad and a few of the lads went across the road to get a curry. And we were leaping drunk, like it was bad. And a few of the lads went across the road to get a curry. As they brought the curry back across the road, it

wasn't, obviously it wasn't the most salubrious of curry houses. The grease from the curry basically went through the bag and all the curry fell on the floor. Oh dear. Like on the street. Right. And I remember like looking over and two of the lads just sitting in the street. Eating it off the floor. Eating the curry Like on the street. Right. And I remember like looking over and the two of the lads just sitting in the street. Eating the curry off the street with their hands. Literal street food.

Yeah. Beautiful. And then this lady came out and was like, what are you doing? What are you fucking doing? Eating curry off the floor. Just go inside. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

The stuff they used to get up to is embarrassing. I had a biryani today from the man outside of Barking tube station. Not so nice. What are you talking about? That's not even the bad thing. I had a mango lassi that was just made by him. He was just selling it? He was just selling it in like a little kind of, not a hut, what do you call them, like a tent.

A kiosk. Yeah, he made a little kiosk out of a tent and he just had biryani and some mango lassi and I was like, that mango lassi just doesn't, it doesn't look respectable. But I had it anyway. Whenever you see something like that you're like Frodo with the fucking one ring. You cannot resist it. Cannot resist the danger. And you're delivering it to Mount Doom, whatever happens, you buy Mount Doom on your stomach. Buy my toilet.

So yeah, that's what I do. I got into a... I was dropping the in the middle of like, fuck nowhere in in what do you call it, Walthamstow, near Walthamstow and I get into a Uber and the guy goes Pete Sampras! I'm like what? and he's like Pete Sampras! Remember him? He was a good tennis player wasn't he? And then he just talked about tennis for a half an hour. That'd be my worst nightmare. Yeah, worst nightmare. He's just like, what did he have a problem with?

Golf, not sport, it's just chatting. It's just a lot of, oh man, it just went on and on. And then he was like, you know what, I'm not gonna take you to Walthamstow, why don't I take you straight to Barking? And I was like, all right then, I can't be asked to argue. I had to get to Barking anyway.

And to be fair, the timings worked and he did a good job. How much did it cost you? It gave me as much time to, not that much more, but it gave me enough time to buy a biryani and some Mangalasi at the end of my life. But he was, yeah, he was, he was, he pointed out all of the Sikh temples in town for some reason. It was just, it was a confusing, like, you know, you know when you just, you know I'm never good for small

talk. But yeah, this guy, this guy would not stop, just not stop, endless, endless. Did you pull the, did you pull the, the lassy over your own head? I didn't have it at that point. So you showed it your mental. There's a guy in West Norwood who sells all year round. He's got a little trolley kiosk. Right. And he sells like slushies, like what do you call them?

Like, you know, there's like ice, crushed ice drinks. He's got a big block of ice and a load of flavours. And he sells them. Like he's been there for years and he's just outside the station. There's like no way he's got a licence, like, but no one cares. Like when the police walk past or drive past,

they just like, you know, tip the hat, how you doing, all right. They just don't bother. And I'm 95% sure he's also selling drugs. But in West Norwood, no one seems to give a shit. Like I can't see why, so for example he will be there, he doesn't adjust his product, he will be there selling ice drinks in like December in West Norwood. Yeah it doesn't seem like

the best, you'd think he'd sort of change to soup. Like a chai latte or something or a soup yeah. You're a West Norwood mate so it's gonna need to be a chai latte probably. But do you not think that like, do you not think that him wearing, it's like shaved ice or something, it's like a shaved ice kind of like little thing right here. So like, he's got, I presume he's got one of those little grinder things that grinds the ice. No, he's got this big like, almost like a lathe. Oh right, okay, that sort of takes it off. It's a receptacle, yeah.

I mean delicious on the right day, but... Oh, I've got no problem with the product. There's about 10 reasonable reasons per year to get one. I mean, if I'm being totally honest, I don't even... I've got no problem selling drugs, to be honest. Well, I just think it's too weird a shop to... It's too weird a business. It stands out too much. His trolley's got a lot of compartments, is what I'm saying.

Compartments! It's hiding in plain sight already. Yeah, and the drugs are in the ice and he's just shaving a bit off. Well just the people who are always hanging around there don't seem to be crushed ice enthusiasts as well. Right okay. Do you remember when every night in like Soho and pretty much anywhere in London to be honest, in central London, you would get a sausage hot dog. Oh yeah that was the smell of London for me for a long time yeah. And they just cracked down on them and they never came back.

No there's one outside Brixton still. Is there? Right, okay. Well, it used to be every other big long sausages, lovely onions. Oh man, I love street sausages. The nostalgic memory I've got of London after dark 20 years ago is that and those just random blokes with cars that would just drive you places. Yeah, yeah, fake, fake, not fake taxis, that's another thing.

Yeah, fake, not real taxis, unlike the scabs. And it was just like you would just wait them out until they gave you the price you wanted. But it was obviously super dangerous. Of course it was. Well, I mean... And you'd only ever do it if you had three or four of you or whatever. Yeah, I did, I did, I lost it sometimes by myself. What was he gonna do? He's not gonna get anything out of me fucking so how anyway now? I was living in on Rock Park miles away absolutely always about 20 quid that fucker always about 20 quid I'm gonna tell you what I was in a fake taxi once not I mean I wasn't getting hammered in the boot right I wasn't in the boot

What's that kind of this that porn series of fake tax which you were talking about a second ago? I think it's just about a second ago. I think it's just got a fake taxi. I think it's just got a fake taxi. You occasionally see cars. I was not on the boot, it's just in the back of the black car. You occasionally see cars around Essex that have put a fake taxi sticker on the back. Just, just, just the worst pornographic. Wow! What just happened there?

Hercules. Hercules. He's just knocked off a cup full of Pens and smashed all over the floor. Oh dear is the cup is the cup smashed? Yeah, you look weary Was it nice? Is it a nice cup? What look at the other shit either look at him. Just doesn't care That's he's not even moved that the thingy moot He just saw knocked it off and sat where he he was. He wasn't even startled by his own actions. He's basically ruined my afternoon just so he can slightly change position. Do you know... Do you know it was definitely him though, smell his hands?

Does it smell like Bic? Does it smell like Bic? Oh, yeah, yeah. He just smelled his hand. Anyway, let's have a break, Peter, on that note so I can clean up this mess. And when we come back and we'll do some emails, because we've got loads to get through. They keep coming in, I'm telling you.

All right Alright then. The Football Ramble is the only podcast you need this football season. Join us five times a week as we cover all the latest news from the biggest sport in the world. My favourite line from the story that you're referring to here on Ratcliffe's cost saving measures at Man United is the following. Some workers have also claimed that they are being forced to eat in a toilet. We'll talk about the game's biggest stars. Get the crosses in to Ronaldo.

He is a head on a stick this bloke. He's like a kid at school who only eats spam. We see the game like no one else. Jamie Vardy is a man who every time he's subbed off, he behaves like a man in a bar who's been asked to leave. Yeah. With a unique insight and analysis you can't get on any other football podcast.

Sorry to our American listeners who are big fans of Slim Jims. We've got much better ones and they're called peperonis, bit of an animal. They're thin kind of meats, kind of extruded meats with like a hard shiny greasy shell. So join us, the world's original football podcast because football doesn't have to be serious. Search Football Ramble in your podcast app to subscribe reading on Thursday. We'll do batteries on Thursday but I've just seen a disgusting email, an absolutely disgusting picture on an email. Oh, the one from Ben? Yes, I'm not looking forward to detailing that on Thursday. Ben,

you little naughty little boy. Yeah, and what about this from Roberto then, it's on the subject of tacos. We talked about this last week,? It's a one on the subject of tacos. And we talked about this last week. We talked about whether you had a coriander genetic variation, perhaps still to be confirmed. Um, we'll find that in due course. I'm sure. But Roberto says this on a previous episode, there was also a debate on how the word taco is said as a Mexican living in Los Angeles. I've come to shed some light on the situation. Both of you pronounce it wrong. Both of you say it as taco while it is more pronounced like tar-co. I'm not having that.

Taa-co. It sounds too fancy in our accents. We can't say that. Yeah, we can't say it. And I think there'll be a north-south divide. I'm sure lots of people down south would be happy to go tar-co. Shall we go for tar-cos? But up in the North East, you don't have an Tarko's. Alright, say, say, put the word Tarko in a sentence like you would normally. Uh, uh, leaping at the far post is James Tarkovsky. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Leaping. He says Roberto, by the way this email is called Roberto Martinez as well so I hope that's probably not that one. Oh yeah of course. Either way soft or hardshell tacos are great and they are both authentic with soft being of course superior but if a fan of a hardshell taco is out there I recommend you try Tacos de Rados. For these you stuff a tortilla with whatever filling you want, fold it up and fry it.

Potato is the most common. These are lovely and were a common staple in my childhood. The other store-bought taco shells are a disgrace, unless it's Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. However, I have no idea what taco circles Pete mentioned that have a quote bubble gum flavour, best Roberto Martinez. It's a joy of all streams. See, he's filling his time in between.

Yeah, yeah. Responsibility, yeah. I mean, so what Doritos goes with it? Right, okay. I'm just looking at the Doritos, the Nacho Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco. The Wi-Fi I have access to absolutely loves Taco Bell. She occasionally makes me drive to Clapham and get it for her. I'm not that into it myself.

I haven't grown up with it, but for her it's like super, it's great like drunk slash hangover food. Completely great. Not that we drink or get hangovers these days because we have a 15 month old son. Well I'm glad a legit Mexican can confirm that hard shell tacos are absolutely fine. Thank you Roberto Martinez, thank you. Too much admin. Let me just do this one from Jack as well that I'll hand the yoke over to you Peter.

This is an email that I think you would be best to react to because I think you might have a take on it. This is Jack saying, guys, I hope you can make sense of a situation I found myself in around seven or eight years ago now. One weekday evening, me and the partner I have access to met her parents in Canary Wharf. They had traveled to London and were staying nearby

to collect a family member from London City Airport early the next morning. Being the devils that we are, we settled on Nando's as a restaurant of choice. There's nothing wrong with a Nando's. Nando's is a universally popular place for everyone. It's the leveler, as you say. It makes perfect. It's a great leveler. And Jack says that we very much enjoyed our succulent Nando's meal. It was located at the top of the Jubilee Place shopping centre. And on leaving at around 9pm, we had to of the Jubilee Place shopping centre and on leaving at around 9pm we had to walk through the completely empty shopping centre past all the closed shops.

As you can imagine there was nobody about other than us. I decided to nip into the gents located somewhere in the middle of the shopping centre, not necessarily near an entrance, and to my surprise found five of the six urinals occupied. Being a typical broke I decided to make headway for the cubicles only to find all three doors locked and cubicles taken. I reluctantly shuffled between the other chaps all seemingly doing their business. On finishing I went to the sink to wash my hands only to realize that all the men who were seemingly pissing when I had arrived had not moved at all nor had anyone left the cubicles. I was looked back at shifterly by a anyone left the cubicles. I was looked

back I was looked back at shifterly by a couple of the chaps before I made an executive decision that whatever's going on there probably wasn't for me and so I left. I think about the situation more than I should have wondered if I was the unfortunate cock block of a cottaging orgy. Keep up the cracking pod Jack in Norwich. Peter it's over to you. I think about this situation more than I should. It doesn't really matter how often you think about it, does it? There's no amount that you should think about it. No, but I think there's a little bit of regret in Jack from Norwich's story.

Could be Jack Met. Could be Jack Met from Norwich, isn't he? Could be Jack, actually. He's a big listener to our shows. I would say that there's nothing more exciting than the frisson of sexual Congress in a male toilet. There's nothing more exciting than looking underneath the cubicle seeing a big sports bag and wondering if one of their legs are in the sports bag so that a casual observer would just see a man in a sports bag but in reality it's two men having the time of their lives.

I didn't know that was a tactic. Yeah it's a tactic, yeah. You know it can't be Jack from Jack's Happy Hour by the way because if it was he'd run every single one of them on this pod by now and we'd ask him all these questions about it. That's good, that's good, yeah. Wow, how exciting. And yeah, great stuff, just a bit. It just seems a bit obvious that it's shut, like it's completely empty, all the closed shops are closed, and then yet there's just, you know, there's what not-ery going on in the bathroom, it said.

Yeah, I'm not necessarily surprised or confused at the fact that, you know, men like having There's a whatnotery going on in the bathroom, it said. It said shucking that oasis. I'm not necessarily surprised or confused at the fact that men like having sex with each other. I'm more confused with the fact that the poses they all seem to have been adopting, like it was some kind of, what's it called, that Harlem Shake type thing that you used to do back in the day. But imagine if Jack from Norwich had eaten, insisted on using the hottest sauce on his Nando's chicken. Yeah, right.

Inadvertently got it onto his glands and just started going, oh god, at the urinals. He might have been roped into something that he wasn't expecting. Yeah. But he's enchanted by it. I mean it's going to ruin the mood a bit, isn't it, if someone goes in there and takes a massive diarrhea-like shit. Because he's made too much hot sauce. Yeah.

It's like you remember that time back in the day a few years ago when someone emailed saying that they kept, some police officer emailed in saying that there was a guy who kept rubbing bread around the toilet and eating it. Rubbing bread around the rim of the toilet and eating it. That's a, so obviously I'm not trying to kink shame anyone, everyone's got their own things that they like and that's absolutely fine. You would have to resist eating food for the rest of the day wouldn't you? How'd you get to that point? Do you just take a couple of bites? We all like bread, but like I just think that is that your tea?

If you're eating like loads of slices of bread that you've rubbed on a toilet, is that your tea? Are you going is that a sex thing? Is it a tea thing? Or is it both? If I'm an artisan baker that takes my work seriously, I don't want to hear that one of the customers is taking my bread and rubbing it around the toilet. It'll have been mighty white you freak. Imagine if it was a lovely sourdough, a lovely San Francisco style sourdough. Banana bread from Covid times. Yeah, see what I mean? People put their effort into that kind of stuff. I think it's disrespectful.

Sarah brought a bread bin this week. It's very retro. Is it bigger than a bread bin? Nice. It's quite a small bread bin to be honest, so no. My problem with bread bins is as soon as you put the bread in there, you forget you've got bread. Yeah, it's a bread concealer really, isn't it?

It is very much so. What you need is a see through like Perspex one. It's basically, what's that show where people show their willies off? Naked Attraction. Naked Attraction. Yeah, not naked and afraid, that's something different. Naked Attraction, it's basically that for bread, isn't it?

I feel like with that Naked Attraction show, which is sometimes on Channel 4, if I see it on Channel 4, I can't resist just putting it on to look at it. And what it tells me is that people who look good naked on TV look really good. You've got to be amazing to look good naked on TV, because none of those people tend to. No, and also I just always sort of think,'s back the thick taxi thing. British sex people are unattractive frequently. They're over sexed for their raw materials. They're level. They're over matched... And our speakers are definitely the same.

Yeah. Yeah, anyway, on that note we should get out of here, Peter. Let's get out of here. We'll come back on Thursday and we'll get through more of these emails, I'm sure, back then. We've got one about a crab fair, one about... Oh, God, a crab fair. Oh, Pete's got an update on Southend Airport, which you'll bloody love. Right, we'll see. Loads of stuff to get through, man, I'm telling you. All right, then, we'll be back soon. We'll see you on Thursday. Email us if you. All right then, we'll be back soon. We'll see you on Thursday.

Email us if you fancy it. Hello at Lukepicshow.com. And if you've got any light to shed on that toilet incident, then nearby we'll pipe up. But great to hear from you. Yeah. Ever got involved in a bit of cottageing? Do let us know. I want to know how it begins.

Why do you have to be obvious about it? I don't know what the... Is it like homeless codes where you scratch a bit... scratch a sign on the side? You know like the horrible codes in America in like the 20s where you'd go around and... Police around here, this woman is very generous, angry dog, bad father in the house and stuff, all that business. Right, Thursday. Bye! The Luke and Pete show is a stack production and part of the Acast creator network. The Football Ramble is the only podcast you need this football season. Join us five times a week as we cover all the latest news from the biggest sport in

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