The Luke and Pete Show - Aggressive lactating pigs

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Luke’s accidentally left his car unlocked but the only thing stolen was a pound coin for the shopping trolley. On the back of this, the lads discuss shoplifting techniques and Pete decides he’d steal a Japanese chef knife, naturally.Elsewhere, Donny’s confused why pig milk hasn’t caught on yet. Oink oink! Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on X, Threads or Instagram.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam. It's the Luke of Pete Show, I'm Pete Donaldson and I'm joined by Mr. Lukey Moore. Mr. Lukey Moore, did you enjoy spam this morning? Because that's what I had. Spam and eggs. Spam spam spam spam spam. Did you cook it? Yes I did cook it. I fried it. It tastes better that way. Brilliant. Yeah. I cannot get enough of cooked luncheon meat Luke. Did you cook it? Yes, I did cook it. I fried it. It tastes better that way. Brilliant. I cannot get enough of cooked luncheon meat, Luke. Here's something for you. You're going to be very unhappy when you hear this.

Hello to everyone, by the way. Ah, fuck off. This is me dealing with the latest curveball that Peaks opened the show with. I don't think I've ever had spam as an adult. What? You really don't back in the day. No. Not knowingly. Never knowingly. I'm not completely ruling out that sometimes people cook me meals and aren't completely honest. Isn't that interesting that you've probably used the word spam a million times

due to the email, you know, fake email bollocks, but you have never tasted the Incredibly salty because this age is really salty porky milk get a porky mink Moky mink porky mint meats porky meats porky meat. Fuck you know you having a stroke Porky milk could you blend some spam and system milk and why doesn't why are we not milking? Pigs because it all just mashed up dumb is spam all all just mashed up Dalmatian head put in a can? Is that what it is? It's lips and arse as my dad used to say. It's pretty much that.

I'll circle back to my question, why aren't we milking pigs? Because people add a bit of salt to their hot chocolate, they add, they like salt the caramel stuff. Why don't we get this in the sauce? Why don't we get the saltiest animal of all, the pig, into our milk systems, so to speak. And they're technically quite large. According to a Google question I just asked, pigs are considered difficult to milk. The sow herself can be reluctant to be milked, may be very uncooperative, spooked by human presence and lactating pigs are quite aggressive."

So I think people have just decided they're not doing that. Sounds like they're not. But it is safe for human consumption. It sounds like it is fit for human consumption. Apparently so, yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, why aren't we... I mean, with all that said, we'll happily be cruel to a duck feeding it like corn until its liver explodes.

We'll happily do that, but we won't try and milk an aggressive pig. Pathetic. Where's your cut-off? Where's your cut-off? Where's your cut-off? Surely milking an aggressive pig is way behind that bird that's bones cut into the roof of your mouth and you put a shroud over your head. Autolan.

An autolan, is that what it's called? I think so, yeah. I think it's illegal in this country anyway. As should foie gras be by the way. I mean, because it's just not that great. Are you doing what you normally do though? And being very insensitive to people from other cultures, because perhaps other other countries do eat drink pigs.

A lot of other cultures drink horses milk, by the way. Do you show Mongolia drinks horses milk? Very, very good. That makes a lovely cheese. Very, very fatty, I think. Horse milk. Oh, yeah. But they're not animals. Camels milk and goat's milk and all sorts of stuff.

I guess with horses, because they're so lean, they probably excrete quite a lot of the fat because it's all just muscle, isn't it, the old horses? You never see a fat horse, do you? Oh, you big fat horse. So maybe it is lowering fat then. Yeah, maybe it is. Look, I think really, if you are going to branch out and start experiencing other cuisines, perhaps you need to step away from the delivery room, which you are gonna kind of branch out and start experiencing other kind of cuisines, perhaps you need to step away from the Deliveroo, which you seem to order every single meeting

I have with you in person and start branching out in different ways. Always the same dish though, isn't it? I remember having a meeting with you the other day, you ordered the Deliveroo in the middle of it and then the guy ran off with it. He did run off with it. He couldn't find my way with us so he thought, I'm just gonna eat this. Get on him. I sent him a little text saying, we than eating it's not appropriate to eat yourself.

Just eat it. Just eat it. So you've had Spam and pig milk for breakfast. Actually, my partner had Spam and eggs, we'd run out of eggs so I just ate Spam in some bread. Now if that isn't post-tax bill Britain, I don't know. Oh, is it because you paid your tax bill presumably late again, did you? I think it's just, it's still got a little bit to knock off. Not as bad as last time

though, so I am improving to be honest. Is it all performative in case the tax man's listening and they're going, oh, no, he really hasn't got any money. He's eating spam for every meal. And he's talking about drinking pig's milk, which he could marine bake. Let's just strike that two grand off but yeah it's been a funny old week I'm fresh from yet another health scare. Alright talk to us, though do you want to? I've had two MRIs and one ultrasound. You're not doing them in your own shed are you? I tell you what, if I had an MRI machine...

Sarah walks in, what are you doing over your top off? I'm fucking doing an MRI, leave me alone! I wish I'd made a washing machine. You're glowing like a radioactive man. I tell you what, if I... There is something to be said for those enterprising companies that just buy an MRI machine of whatever vintage

stick it in a room get some block who I do not think is very professional to just shove you in it take a couple of 40s and then kick you out the door with a CD in your hand I mean it's... Something you want in a visit innit? Something you want in a visit, innit? Everything you want in a visit.

I, I... An inappropriate man, some machinery you don't understand, and you get away with a free CD. You would be absolutely delighted. Absolutely. Not only a free CD, a free CD with the, with my incorrect date of birth on it. 1991.

You'd be delighted with that. For the second 1991. Maybe that's what my channel looks like. That doesn't inspire confidence. You cannot be saying... It doesn't, does it?. That doesn't inspire confidence. You cannot be saying. It doesn't, does it? It really doesn't. Also, I don't want to be funny.

I don't want to be kind of insensitive here, but I mean, if he was going to mistake your date of birth, he'd be thinking it'd be the other way. Exactly, yeah. Aren't you a wrong male from Sparks? He's easy in his 60s. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to be impersonant,

but in my defence, you know, you did bring this up to me. Yeah, it's fine, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I don't want to be impersonant, but in my defence, you know, you did bring this up to me. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, no, no, no. All good. I have, for the last month, been a bit stressed out slash worried that I'm out of here because I had a lump on my shoulder that was, that was like, I'm a lumpy guy. You know, asthma medicine has always given me like, back in the day would give me a back knee, so to speak. But I've always been a lumpy guy you know asthma medicine has always given me like back in the day would give me a bacne so to speak but I've always been a lumpy kind of guy. And the performance enhancement steroids. They're just like like I'm a lumpy guy yeah and and and I don't usually worry

about lumps but this one was like you know like an old dog has lumps just fatty lumps I'm just like but this one felt a bit different and I was like, you know as they say if you worried about it Go on and I was and uh, and yes, I went the doctor's and he went It looks like a fatty lump. Let's send you for an ultrasound And then the guy gives you a sound and then he goes I'll give you the report next week Like, you know seven days time And then the next day the doctor, surgery rings up, goes, girl, can you come in please? I'm like, oh, good.

Oh, good. He's reporting early. I wonder why. So then he's like, oh, that looks a bit moody. That looks just like for an MRI. And what follows is about three weeks of people submitting me for referral, not really submitting me properly, me having

to go to rig up Wood Green which is about probably up 30 miles away from me, and sort of go, have I been booked in for this thing yet? And he's going well we can't book you in because you're not in the Wood Green catchment area. It's like yeah but Essex can't report, they just have to say the nearest one, earliest one, because it was a rush one, because it was a cancer one. And so I'm just, so I am basically doing all the admin that the surgery should be doing, and I'm like, right. Is this an NHS Peter?

NHS, yeah NHS, and I'm just fucking tick fucking talking, I'm going right, can we just get me booked in and everything will be fine. And then I go for the MRI and they put little to mark out your the lump you they put little they tape cod liver or tablets to you which I think is adorable I guess because they see through but they're also three-dimensional so that the you know you can kind of get some scope as to how big it is what it is etc I don't know where it is for like a scale basically yeah Yeah just fascinating little quirk of magnetic resonance.

You've been given the all clear have you? Images, I have now yes. But it was just like... So what actually is it? So let me finish my story about... Sorry, I'm just really excited about your impending death. MRI, so I do the MRI in wood green and then I'm like right okay let's get this report over, let's find out what this is shall we? Two and a half weeks later nothing's happened and I'm like guys I mean if I'm gonna start anything can we just, can we just tell, can we just chuck the report, can we just, and I'm ringing up because you know it's not just me, it's my partner, and responsibility is my life

that mean that I can't leave him the shit. I don't have life insurance. I'm fucked, right? I'm fucking them over royally. And so I ring them up and I go, can we get, can we get, is the report being done yet? Anyway, Woodgrid's here. We sent it over to the surgery. And the surgery goes, no, they haven't.

And the Woodgrid goes, yeah, we have. And I'm'm going can someone just fucking do this on me! I'm dying! and so I have to it took me all morning to ring up my surgery find out the email address for them ring up Woodgreen get them to send it to the proper email address and it's just like and they did it they did it eventually and then I've got wait another three days for it to be entered onto the system so the doctor can see it scanned onto the system oh my god I'll come over and scan it myself I'll bring me flatbed did it turn out it was just a knot in your vest in the bit spam it was at the end so but in the meantime because I was because I waited about a month for the results of this fucking was at the end of the... So, but in the meantime,

because I waited about a month for the results of this fucking MRI in the end, which is fucking, you know... What are you thinking? It's awful. It's an awful time. So I ran up this... So I went to this... off high street, snappy snaps version of the MRI company, right? Like a private healthcare thing. You drop 300 quid, they take a

picture of whatever body part you want and they get a specialist to look at it, right? A radiologist to look at what it is, right? So I was like, right, bit of peace of mind. I know it's not gonna be as good as the NHS because they put dye in me and stuff. They injected dye into me and that feel and they felt like there wasn't really that much of a rush. But I went on a Friday night to this MRI thing and it was like, there was only one man left in the building and he was on reception he went come on down and he honestly compared to like the the full 360k I got from the NHS he was literally put this gown on sit on there enjoy the music and he just put some headphones

on and I'm listening to heart FM mellow heart or whatever. How long were you in there for? Well NHS one took about an hour, this one 20 minutes in and out gives me CD with pictures on of me shoulder and then so I'm like right I'll get some kind of the specialist will give us a ring in about two days and then we're just quicker than the H.S. and then two days later they go, we didn't take the pictures properly can you come in we're not gonna charge you again I was going damn right you're not gonna fucking charge me again yeah and now it's on back and forth with this fucking MRI, to be fair it was in the next street from me but it is just a basement with an MRI machine and a man and they must be making money shoulder over fist they really must be. Especially if they're not taking the photos properly.

Well they're not taking the photos properly aren't they? But yeah. Was the MRI machine, were you convinced by it or did it look like it was made of cardboard and then painted? Like one of your Pappy and Masha creations? It looked less, it looked very 1970s it looked very sort of like we've got this one on the face at Marketplace, you've got an engineer to fit it with some parts that they've found that they've got off AliExpress, but it was just this big fucking rigmarole and the paid for one said it was one thing, the NHS said it was another, fatty lump like lipoma, and neither said it was cancer, so I was like, whew, big old whews. That's what you want to know, right?

Yeah, so I'm like, I still don't know what it is, it's just not cancer. Are you going to have it removed or anything? It costs me money, they're not going to remove it it. On NHS they'll remove it if it's a pain and it'll take months so I'll see how it goes. But it was just like a real month and a half of just, ugh, this is what being 40-years is like, just constantly. And then trying to access healthcare by just having to just bother people. And you know I hate bothering people, but this was quite important. We're not in a vape shop now. This is important. Even you had to do some bothering.

Exactly. I had to do some bothering. I'm pleased that you got the all clear, Peter. I'm sad for your troubles, as they say. Would it cheer you up to know that while you've been telling that story, I was listening, but I also found the £25,000 Siemens MRI scanner on eBay available. Did you really? Yeah. 25 grand well if you're if you're if you can get that back into some kind of service and you have a response in the WhatsApp group for you and you get like a you get

like an operator who kind of knows what they're doing on the second attempt. And then what you're doing, you're hooking yourself up with some specialists just to have a look. You know, a consultant radiologist, and you stick him 100 quid to have a look at each one. I mean, at the moment- I just wanna know what kind of organisation is purchasing an MRI off of eBay.

Yeah, Biomedical.eu are selling it for 25 grand. You can make an offer, show your lowball. I mean they are massive and they take a lot of energy and have you noticed that next on the picture of the MRI you've got headphones that have no magnetic or metal things in them. It's just a tube, it's just a clear tube, like a hospital radio. Like a hospital radio tube. I just, I just, I mean, is there a market for this kind of stuff being bought and sold on eBay? It just seems like-

It's gotta be, cause I mean, if you buy, like people buy like a lathe all the time, don't they? I mean, like if you're, if you've got like a- It's not quite the same thing, is it? If you've got a medical imaging company that takes pictures of people x-rays You know all Radiology

Person like surely like this sort of thing is quite useful if you buy that it's probably it's probably no good But you probably get it up to good working condition stored warm without helium You could really kind of and it's in Nottingham. So worldwide shipping available in the container. So there you go. It's like, I mean, that could be probably sent to some emerging markets, I suppose, all around the world.

What was the name of the geezer who was doing your scan? I can't remember, to be honest. I feel like it was a pretty important trip. Surely you remember those names. But I mean, the CD they honest. But, but. It sounds like it was a pretty important trip. Surely you remember the guys name. But I mean, like the CD they give you is quite, it's quite interesting. Like they give you the full, like, you give like, you get like an animation and you can sort of use your scroll wheel on your mouse

to sort of scroll literally through your body. I mean, I would say that it's not cancer or anything, but it did, the consultant who looked at my shoulder did point out that I have a massive degradation of some of my joints. So that's good. Yeah, I feel like I'm in that place. I feel like my knees are, I actually was thinking about calling Rick Edwards

because he had a knee replacement a while back and I was gonna say to him, was it actually good? Cause if so, I think I might have two of them. Right. Because my knees are completely fucked now. I think you said to me before, years ago, probably when we first met that

because I'm tall and I'm gonna really struggle with my back, you were wrong there. The judge on you there because it's my knees that are fucked. Oh, your knees, yeah. That's horrible, isn't it? Anyway, speaking of traumatic life events, do you know what? I accidentally left my car unlocked the

other night oh right okay yes yes yes yes yes and someone rifled through it right that's a little bit of a right for it what are they getting my same guy who got caught by the Irish lady for stealing parcels right back he's not he's after your parcels is he looks he's after my little fetter parcels after your little fetter parcels and the only thing of value I keep in the car for the exact reason I live in West Norwood is the pound coin for the shopping trolley. Oh, and he had that, did he? He had that away, yeah.

I think, A, that's amazing that they still need pound coins in, because some shops do it, some shops don't. Hobbycraft do it, Aldi do it, pets at Home do it, and they're all next to each other, so to get, like sort of get a pound in the trolley I've got to do that and then go around Aldi and then go around Pets at Home and then for an impending Football Rumble live show I've got to go to Hobbycraft every three minutes, so I've got to do that, and I've got to exchange my pound in three different. Yeah, that's something they should have some kind of agreement shouldn't they? Yeah, an agreement.

But then you notice in balance, so basically it's the same in, so I go to Sainsbury's and it's the same, you have to pay a pound. But if you get a Waitrose and Ballum, you don't got to pay anything. It's like they accept that they've got a higher class clientele who's never going to nick a trolley. Which is a bit, I'm not really sure if I can put my finger on it, but I find it offensive as a working-class man. That the middle classes aren't stealing trolleys. Surely there would be some kind of very, very basic technology now which would stop you getting a trolley out of the car park. Well, it does magnets, doesn't it? That sort of lock on when they feel some kind of RF signal, I think, that's built into the...

That's what I'm saying. So that would be easy to install, right? It would, but if you're... It depends on, I guess it depends on what exits from your car park. If indeed you have a car park, I think you only do it at the... If you have it at the door, that would be problematic. People absolutely going arse over tits

as they try and escape. I saw a daring, absolutely daring man walking out of Waitrose on a Sunday afternoon, I think four bottles of Jim Beam in his basket and he just fucking pegged it as fast as he could. Well, well, well, the alarms were going off because he hadn't taken it. And he just fucking legged it. And he was like, he was quick. Is this in Leoncy? Yeah, nowadays nobody gives a shit, nobody chases after anyone, no one ever sort of, there's not really, I think the law's against the security staff. But yeah, they didn't they didn't they didn't

Know I worked at safe where there was a massive security guard. Hmm, we'd have a go yeah, he was just massive and quick and He used to have a chase people around all over the place because what happened was it was like a big council estate near the supermarket itself, and people would come in and they would steal high value items like razors, nappies, alcohol, stuff like that. And he would be, I remember once,

he was like, there was two or three people who'd stolen some shit and they legged it. And he's this guy called Neil, and he was like, Luke, come here, come with me, come with with me so I had to go with him and two of them got away but he caught one of them and the guy had a big bottle of alcohol forget what it was in his hand I might have told you this story before this is like that detective show Lawrence Fox in you're Lawrence Fox, Lewis, you're the assistant, why am I Lawrence Fox? He's put a song out the other day.

Oh, it was good, wasn't it? Yeah, brilliant. Absolutely smashing. Words fail me as they do you, as somebody commenting. It's exactly what you'd expect. It's a lovely, lovely point. If you'll listen to this, you know who Lawrence Fox is, and I say to you that he's released a song, and you're imagining what the song is, it's that.

It's worse than that. It's worse than that. Yeah. Anyway, so this guy caught this guy, and I feel quite sorry for him looking back on it now but he wouldn't let go of this alcohol, presumably because he wanted to sell it for drugs or whatever. He looked like he was probably strung out. And this security guard who was massive, much bigger than me, was stamping on his wrist,

just stamping on it until he let go of it. And he eventually let go of it, presumably because his wrist was smashed to pieces. I would have let go of it personally. And the police turned up. Yeah, was smashed to pieces. I would have let go of it personally. Yeah, yeah. That's what I would do. I don't want to be too judgmental but yeah, I mean the police turned up and took him away so I'd never ever remember him again until I saw him at XFM 15 years later.

Anyway, shall we have a quick break? Yeah, let's get out of here. Because we've got so many, I mean, producer Taylor was saying to us we've got 22 pages now. Too many. Of emails, we need to get through some of them. We'll get through one of those pages. Oh no, and then we'll just wax on for a bit and then the whole thing will carry on. Yeah.

But we've got to give it a go, Peter, we've got a lot of trial. We've got to give it a go, hey, hey, hey! It's the Luke and Pete show, I do hope you're keeping well. We've got some emails to get through, Should we bang through some emails, Luke? We can't just talk about stolen booze and MRIs all day. No, if you were going to steal, if I said to you, you have to go into a shop and you have to steal whatever it is, a 750 cent litre, I would say a litre of premium spirits and not get caught, how are you doing it? I would-

Big cope. You know what, if I was gonna buy, if I was gonna steal something it would be real quality stuff. I'd go for like a Japanese chef's knife and I'd run into the MRI. Right, so as soon as you get caught you've already got a mandatory five year sentence because you're not allowed to fucking have them. I'd run into the MRI thing around the corner and throw it into the MRI. You go, if you want it back, you've got to get it. And it's just bouncing around.

You want that knife back, you grab it. I've got nothing on today. I'll stay here all day. That's amazing. That's a really good idea, Peter. I'm pleased you thought of that, actually. I think what I would do, so I do think, there's an element, tell me what you think, and this speaks to what society's like. If you walked into a mainstream high street shop, and you're quite well put together,

not noticed to be well put together, but like you're nicely dressed and like clean and all the rest of it and you know, all that kind of stuff, and you just confidently strolled in to the shop, grabbed a bottle of Grey Goose off the shelf, wandered around a bit, walked through the self-service checkout, checked out something and carried on with the bottle of vodka you'd never get caught. I mean me, I mean myself. Well you look furtive so that would be tougher. Yeah, that's what I mean. It doesn't matter what suit I put on, what suit and tie or whatever.

There's just something about my hair that looks unkempt. Your best angle is to be dressed like a handyman. Yes. And just stick it in your toolbox. Wear a pair of overalls and just stick it in your toolbox. Stick it in me drool toolbox. Yeah, anyway, Chris, hello to him, wherever. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I'm Chris. Hello to him Whoever wherever he is Chris. Hi, mate

He's emailed in and he said the following always from paisley in Scotland He says hi guys literally just finished listening to your episode on the 9th September where Pete asked if anyone had an experience of? cottaging This strictly isn't cottaging what I'm about to tell you. However, it is of a similar theme, so please indulge me. So this is a follow-up to the email we did last week about the guy who saw those men in the toilet. And I'm not giving you any more context than that. You have to go back and listen. He says, back around 2009-10, I lived and worked in London as I embarked upon a career,

a fledgling career in television. And I don't want to be too judgmental of Chris, but given that he's now living in Paisley, I presume that's not manifested itself in the way he'd hoped. Those are my words, not his. He says, I lived in Haringey. The closest tube stop to me was Turnpike Lane. However, I would often get off at Manor Park

and walk 20 minutes as it was a stop before in Zone 2, thus saving me some money. Also giving you some exercise, so two birds with one stone. One Friday evening I had been out for drinks with workmates post work and was getting off at said manor park around 10pm slightly worse for wear. This evening I made the in hindsight unwise decision to walk through Finsbury Park as a shortcut to my flat. Not long after entering the park, while walking along the

established path, a young man came out from behind some bushes and started talking to me. He was asking how my evening was and where I was going. I kept the chat brief yet polite and after a couple of minutes of following me, he grumbled something and then slinked back off to some nearby bushes. I thought this was weird but I was drunk so I just carried on. A few minutes later, while still in said Sed Park another man approached me although this time not from a bush. He also started asking me what I was up to and how my evening had been. I was a bit more abrupt this time and I told the guy I just wanted to get home he then trudged

off. A few minutes later again I was then approached by two older gentlemen I'll say mid-50s who started to strike up a conversation. What's going on? I exclaimed to them because as you know, people in London are just not randomly nice to each other. One of the men asked me, are you gay? No, I replied. Oh, okay, replied the other guy. Turns out I've been walking through

a popular gay cruising area and I've been approached as all these men want a little piece of sexy Chris. Brackets, I am not sexy at all. However, I will admit this was a bit of an ego boost. The two older men took pity on me and explained the situation I found myself in. Not only that, but they walked me to the nearest park exit to make sure I was okay. Looking back it was a funny experience and also a heartwarming one. Thanks for

reading this out. Keep up the great work, Chris from Paisley. I would very much like to know where that was because like the Parkland Walk from Finchbury Park up to, I guess you can kind of get up to Highgate, is a lovely little stroll. And if it was there, I think that's the perfect place to cottage because you're kind of,

there's lots of little kind of like railway arches and stuff to hide in. But Fringery Park's just way too open for me, you know. You got the basketball courts. Yeah, but it's really dark at night. I've cycled through Fringery Park a lot of times, it's really dark at night, it's massive as well. Yeah, but it's really dark at night. I've cycled through Fringe of Black at lower times. It's really dark at night. It's massive as well.

Yeah, true. Much dangerous at times as well. You've got options there. It's true, yeah. I mean, I do like the fact that it kind of just ramped up from nothing to, listen, are you gay or not? Because you shouldn't be in here. You shouldn't be in here.

So I just cut into the chase. What a lovely end to it all. Sort of like they explained that. All right, I'll walk you home. I wonder how they explained it though. This is where people go to have... I mean it's Finchbury Park mate. You might be in here for that. I'm not, I'm just trying to get home. They'll probably explain it by saying this is where a lot of men go to have sex. So that's why this is happening. If you're not interested, fair enough. I'll walk you to the exit. That seems

fair. It seems reasonable to me. But it sounds very much like I wouldn't enjoy being walked to the exit because I would feel like I was being evicted, do you know what I mean? Like I wasn't comfortable with it, do you know what I mean? I was like, oh, what's she fucking, fuck each other, I don't care. And the law is quite, the law is also quite grey because in England and Wales having sex in public, and I'm reading this here, is not usually an offence unless it's witnessed or there's a reasonable chance that others might see it. Yeah. But if it's dark in the park,

surely you're fine. Yeah, that doesn't cover things like indecent exposure, public indecency, all that kind of stuff. So I guess you've got to be careful. But just so you know, if someone is caught having sex in public, the police can, A, issue a caution, B, arrest the person and take public, the police can, A, issue a caution, B, arrest the person and take him to a police station,

and C, potentially release the person or charge him with a crime. So you've got to be careful, is what I'm saying. My dad, as part of his administrative role at a solicitor's firm in Hartlepool, Is he still doing that? No, he's long, long retired. I was gonna say, I didn't think he was still doing that.

He's taking up professional drinking. Okay, get him paid, good on him. The other people in the pub are very much paying for it. When he used to work for a solicitor firm, I'd go out with the solicitor once, I think just merely because he was up for the bants and the solicitor thought it was funny. The solicitor had to... Good firm then. My dad I think had to stand in someone's window because a man had been caught masturbating out of his window. My dad had to pretend to be I think the masturbator or maybe the solicitor had to be the masturbator.

Is this the version of the story your dad told you? And the solicitor was trying to figure out whether you what you could see kind of like from from feet from feet level to trunk what you could actually see from from the street and whether the... It depends on the size of the penis though surely? Did they select your dad because the exact same size penis as the offender? Yeah he just sort of weird him, yeah. You've done a stunk cock for a decent exposure man? Well, very much like I look like everyone else, my dad's penis looks like everybody else's penis. It's very, it's like Play-Doh, it can be malleable.

They stick different colours, different shapes, different smells. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, it's good stuff. So what was the upshot then? He just, he was presuming he didn't have to get Billy Bollock, he just stood there with his trousers on, did he? No, he didn't get anything out. No, okay, but just a fun little tale from my dad's life

So, all right, let's just squeeze a couple quick more emails in because some of these are pretty pretty pretty pretty quick So we asked a while about didn't we for people to send proof on whether they were the tallest listener or not Before I get to that Gavin is emailed in saying simply, I am the shortest. He says, feathers Carl emailed last Thursday's episode claiming to be the tallest listener. I know I'm not gonna be the shortest,

but I felt that it's only fair that the short king is represented. I'm five foot three and a half, but I tell everyone five foot four. Can they also mention that Wolverine, famous character with the claws is five foot three, so I'm bigger than him at least. But that is an early effort for our shortest listener to get in touch. I imagine there's

going to be several female listeners shorter than that, but for now Gavin, you occupy the role. Kyle says, Mr. Kyle was the guy who listened last week and emailed in saying that he was the tallest. He says, hi guys, listening to the episode Luke mentioned needing proof for the tallest listener. I certainly wouldn't like to take the crown without proof. I am currently working from home and the only person that could possibly photograph me is my two year old. And he's not able to do that yet. So I'm hoping this image from Highland Wildlife Park will suffice. And Carl has shown us, to be fair, standing next to a photo of a polar bear, he is taller than that and the polar bear is on its hind legs and he looks like he's

clocking in at almost 210cm, which is very very tall. That is nearly 7ft, that's absolutely wild. He says 6ft 6, maybe it's his hair that's making him look that tall. But then he says just to slightly bite at Luke's point, I should know my height. I've just never had it properly checked. I've always been the tallest person except for one lad who I used to play basketball with and it was close.

All I know is I can't walk through doorways, which are usually six foot six without ducking. This could be a complete lie. My father who was a joiner has advised me this is a standard height. Look, I think he looks like he's on the way to 6'8", 6'9", possibly 6'10", even. So it's good to have that. Yeah, I would say with hair he's easily a 6'10".

His life must be just dust. He must just see so much dust everywhere that no one else can see. It's not built for men or women at all. It's just like life is sort of built for your five tenors to your five sixes, I would say. No, because women as well, I guess they probably average a bit short. I do genuinely find, I'm 6'3". If if we go, if the WiFi I have access to and I would go away for a weekend to a nice place and he's standing in like some kind of old fashioned hotel.

Cave. Yeah, yeah, okay. There's, regularly you're thinking this is not that, I could never ever live here because you're ducking all the time for everything. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not even that tall. No.

If you go to a place in Arundel, which is a really nice part of the world, if you've ever been there, I'd recommend it. Arendelle Castle is amazing Stay this B&B For the weekend and Arendelle is like, I don't know. It's been there for a long time Well, are in the castle are in the castle. I think is like 12th century or something Right, so and and a lot of the buildings are really really small. We stay in this Airbnb. It was a nightmare Right, so, and a lot of the buildings are really, really small. We started this Airbnb, it was a nightmare.

It was an absolute nightmare. Right, yeah, I mean, like, what we need is, we've got Gavin at five foot four, and you're, what, you're six three? Yeah. Six four, right. I mean, we need someone out, like, so you got seven inches on me.

I'm only the third tallest person at stack though. Yeah good point actually yeah but but I reckon Rory and Finn will end up being quite stoopy. You think they're all tall people don't you? I think they're stupid. It's rooted in bitterness. It certainly is. Oh I'll make that very clear. That's the best thing I'll say. For crying out loud. But yeah, we need someone, we need Gavin at 5'4". We need someone, I'm at 5'7", 5'8". So that's like... Oh, that's a Freudian slip, wasn't it? That was a Freudian slip, wasn't it? Finally we get the truth.

And so we need someone between me and you to sort of average everyone out. Have you seen the photo of Simone Biles standing next to Shaquille O'Neal? Yes, Simone Biles is tiny, but because she's only ever pictured alone on the horse and that, you don't realize how absolutely tiny she is. It's adorable. Alright Peter, let's get out of here. We'll be back on Thursday, won't we? Yes. Tell them we'll be back on Thursday. We'll be back on Thursday if you fancy it. We're gonna be off. What are we gonna be doing? What are we gonna be doing between now and Thursday? All kinds of things I imagine. All kinds of bloody things. In my case with the 15 month old in the house just not sleeping probably. We're just doing that yeah. Alright then let's get out of here.

We'll be back on Thursday. Staying out forever. Ta ta! you