The Luke and Pete Show - Elf and safety

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

"You can't do anything these days", except dress up as a group of priests and sail down your local river in a raft called the "Boat out of Hell".Today, Luke and Pete officially kick-off Christmas by reading out your Christmas traditions. Is there anything more devious than putting Baileys on your Cornflakes? We'll let you decide...We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. It's the Luke and Pete Show. I'm Pete Donaldson.

It is Sunday. No. It's the Luke and Pete Show. Sunday? We never do a show on a Sunday. We never do a show on a Sunday. I might just release it on a Sunday. This is the Luke and Pete Show.

It is Thursday, the 21st of December. Many happy returns. Baby Jesus, what are you going to get for your birthday, Baby Jesus? Is it being born and saving the world? Yes.

Yes, it is. Lukey Moore, how are you doing? Do they do either of those things? Getting born 25th and saving the world? I don't think he was born in December, was he?

I think he was born in the summer. I think it was just changed. Oh, right. Yeah, but I mean, like, if we're going to... If we are going to jump on board all of that, I'm sure there are a million different competing opinions about when that all took place. Oh, Jesus, the historical figure,

was very much born in the summer, was he? Yeah, exactly. But I don't think anyone, even the most ardent of our christian brothers and sisters would claim that he saved the world would they i think so or you know he his his his father gave his son away to save the world save the world he's saving the world when he turns up again just later when we're finished can i see a copy of that Bible you've got? I was in a family, not my family,

but my partner's family's. One of them was in hospital quite recently and I was on the ward. They've still got little Gideon Bibles. They've got these little kind of plastic, what would you call it,

like a plastic kind of cage that they stick on the side of the side of the little drawers you get. Just a little freestanding unit sort of thing. And they've got a little Gideon's Bible stuffed in there. I think that's a... Why is that allowed?

Like, you know, bearing in mind... Why is that allowed? Are you viewing it as if kind of callous marketing tool? I just think it's a very... I think it's just one of those things that I presumed would have been left behind, that's all. Bearing in mind, even if you've got strong opinions about Christianity, surely the Gideon's Bible is a flavour of it,

but not like the... I don't know, I just think it's a really kind of like anachronistic thing to happen in a hospital. You know, I just find all that sort of stuff quite, I don't know, uncomfortable. Separation of church and state and all that shit. I know that... I know that...

Remember when we were younger, like you'd go to a hotel or whatever, there'd always be one in the drawer. Yeah, yeah. They still do that, don't they? I mean, I think you do in some hotels. I don't think the big chains you do, but I think in the fancier hotels you sometimes do.

In Japan, there's an APA hotel that has the owners, basically the owner is an anti-Semitic racist, the owner of the hotel chain, and he's written his own book about how Japan weren't necessarily the bad guys in World War II, and Nazism is pretty okay, when you think about it, actually. And he puts his book in every...

But this isn't, like, a small concern. This is like the fucking holiday inn of Japan. Like, they're everywhere. There's, like, three in every town. So why are people going there still? They just don't know. Cheap. It's just really cheap.

And also, like... And his wife, who wears interesting hats, she's known for interesting hats, and she makes a very specific kind of Japanese curry flavour. And you can buy that at reception if you want. You can buy this mad curry or read a racist book. Which one do you generally choose? I'm getting curry all over the book. I'm mixing it up.

There was a man once who was, I think it was an Apple hotel, I think he was arrested, as in he was arrested enough to have to pay a fine. He was a bloke who rocked up and he cooked a crab in a kettle. Oh, I think I read about that, yeah. And it stunk out the whole place and the whole place had to be fumigated. I've been thinking about it and I suppose really going back to it Jesus probably they say he's the saviour

of mankind right? But just the way you said it was like he saved the world like he was a marvel hero and I didn't really understand what you meant. Well I mean

I think if you went to any sort of super church mega church on Sunday school time for the kids that's exactly what the pastor would be saying. I won't be doing that.

He'd be sitting on a little he'd be sitting on the stage on his one foot up to look cool in baggy skater pants or maybe jots and a vest and he'd

be ripped and he'd look like Justin Bieber. Cap backwards, yeah? And he'd be telling them how Jesus is the real Marvel superhero. If that bloke, Thanos, had six fingers, the sixth finger would be Jesus.

I'll tell you who's another great superhero, guys. Just, guys, stay with me. Guys, guys. We'll do table tennis in a minute. I'll tell you who's another great superhero, everyone. Jesus.

Yeah. And do you know what everyone's superpower should be not fucking blowies don't count though yeah but I'm getting them but don't count I think I've got a friend who's grown up in a Christian tradition and he's not necessarily religious himself

but he gets like really like uncharacteristically and quite energetically angry when any of that stuff comes into the church going process. He's like, no, your point of going to church is supposed to be an uncomfortable seat. It's supposed to be drafty. It's supposed to be boring.

You're supposed to invest yourself in it. You've got to earn it. You shouldn't be going there having a lovely hot chocolate for free listening to a band interspersed some Christian rock music with the latest Ed Sheeran hit that's not what it is

it shouldn't be that yeah it's yeah you're right you know life is struggle and Catholicism in particular I mean if you went to

Catholic school the amount of hours I wasted just sat in church just listening to the fucking absolute twaddle

it wasn't a waste mate was it direct line to God do you reckon I can get do you reckon on the second that I leave

this fucking plane and I'm at the gate sat and go hey I did my time. I did fucking five years, seven years, seven years there. Don't look at 2012. Go all the way back to 1996.

Don't look at me wanking in my room. Don't look at that bit. Don't worry about the 20th century. Don't worry about it. Go back further. That is the very definition of spilling your seed on non-fertile ground. I love it.

I don't profess to be any kind of theologian on anything about religions in the grand scheme of things. But what I do know and what I do like about Catholicism is that it seems to be like a staggered process where they go, you believe in God? Yeah. All right, well, eat this wafer and that. Turn up every week, twice a week sometimes.

Okay, you still like it? All right. Listen to it in Latin then when you don't understand it on a really cold day. Yeah, you like that? eat this wafer and that turn up every week twice a week sometimes okay you still like it alright listen to it in Latin then when you don't understand it on a really cold day yeah you like that okay go to church for longer and then basically

at the end it just goes you still really like Catholic Catholic stuff yeah beat yourself up okay beat yourself up on your own in your house

now yeah and if you have a baby it's not being confirmed oh you're gonna be in a floaty place in between the two oh sorry baptized didn't the pope recently say nah that's not that's not he can't again he can't do that he can't do that he has done that it's rude you know that did you see the pope also did a massive thing about the dangers of ai and someone pointed out that it was like two weeks after someone did that AI image of him, that big white puffer coat.

Anyway. And the comments on the story were like, shit, man, the Pope is shook. He didn't give a shit about this before someone did that photo of him with the coat. Brilliant. Did you see, speaking of people talking about AI

on a Twitter, what's that thing where they shout at each other? Twitter sounds, Twitter voices, Twitter Twitter rooms I think. X mate. X sorry, X rooms. Did you see Vivek the 1%, 5% is he pulling 5, 4% or something?

I don't think it matters. I don't think it matters. He he was in a room with Elon Musk and a lot of other Alex Jones fucking Alex Jones

Alex Jones who's that fucking kickboxing twat that you don't sort of see very much Tate all in a room together and Vinvec just goes

for a piss that's not gonna get you in Trump's cabinet it might do who's he pissing on it might be pissing on exactly it's the old equivalent of um when you used to do live shows and you did a sound check or whatever and you've got your mic strapped on you you go for a slash it's like yeah you might pack off the whole auditorium's here and you go for a piss I think that's his phone yeah yeah I think it's it's beyond ridiculous

I mean the thing is it actually it actually links quite well because ultimately when you're talking about like religious leaders and people like that you're basically talking about

people who claim to know things that they just simply cannot know right they can't know that so they say what they're going to say I know this isn't exactly the spirit of Christmas

Rory's going to be fuming when he hears this because he's not here today he it's it's your claiming stuff going to say, I know this isn't exactly the spirit of Christmas, and Rory's going to be fuming when he hears this. Because he's not here today. It's your claiming stuff that can't be true. So even if you're the nicest bloke in the world, or not that it can't be true, it's just that you can't know it to be true. So even if you're the nicest bloke in the world,

there is something inherently manipulative about that, right? And that's what makes people feel uneasy. And it's not about belief or about your own personal outlook. It's different. Then you start to look at things like what musk is doing with x and you have to see it in the round when he brings someone like alex jones back to x right alex jones is someone who who quite clearly and quite obviously for quite a long time, right, has been making up lies that exploit vulnerable people and traumatize bereaved people. And he's been pulled up in front of many,

many courts in the United States and found guilty of doing so and been ordered to pay massive damages. The guy is a fucking deluded fantasist, right? And if you want him on your platform, that's up to you. But don't fucking piss down my back and tell me it's raining and tell me oh yeah it's all about fucking freedom of speech and truth and it's not true the guy's literally a fucking professional liar but that's that's his job that's what he does he sells he hawks fucking supplements because no one else

will sponsor him and he makes stuff up about traumatized bereaved people right it's it's absolutely fucking baffling and then you've got that Vivek guy who wants to be president apparently, and that's the guy he's kind of sidling up with. It's weird. Very, very odd. Yeah, but he's just a... He knows which way the wind's blowing. I think it was just a bit of a brand builder for him, wasn't it? He just wants to...

But what about Elon, though? What about Elon? Would he be a presidential nominee? 2020, whatever? I don't think he can be a presidential nominee? 2020 whatever? I don't think he can be, can he? I don't think he can be. Oh yeah. He's not eligible.

But Pete, listen, back onto much more exciting and interesting ground. I did promise you that I would show you these, didn't I? Oh, the Darth Vader guitar pick. 3D printed. I'm a big fan of that.

Is it kind of see-through or is it just embossed? I can't tell from here. So basically, let me show you. This is... Oh, you can see through it. Right, okay. This is a successful Darth Vader one.

Yeah. This is an unsuccessful Van Halen one. Why is that unsuccessful? Because it's still got the stuff on the back. I can get it off. Oh, that's all right. Just get it on a bit of sandpaper. Yeah, I probably will.

You've got to work. It's like Catholicism. You've got to want it. It felt like I was living in the future when the day I flew back from the United States, LC, my father-in-law, just said to me, I've got to go to work, but I've set up the 3D printer to be doing you some guitar picks and when it's finished, just grab them.

I'm fucking out. This is futuristic. It's so good. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, just get them. It's not fucking that, it's just futuristic. It's so good. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, just get them on a bit of sandpaper, a bit of wet and dry. Lovely.

Yeah, you're the man I need for that. So basically, Peter, what we should do now, I think, is we should have a quick break. Then when we come back,

we've asked our listeners on this first Christmas episode of two to tell us about their Christmas traditions. And we've got quite a lot of them sent in, obviously. But I think we've picked out like, I think Rory's picked out our best 10. So at the other side of the break, we'll talk about our listeners' Christmas traditions

and we'll go through as many of them as we can. How about that? Beautiful. Beautiful. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. We're back with a look at Pete Shaw and it's a Christmas special, guys. There's no two ways about it. Well, the second half of it is Christmas. It's 21st. It's not Christmas yet.

We talked about religion in the first half. We talked about religion, exactly. The very spirit of Christmas. We've taken so many boxes here. Did you see that story, Luke, where Tesco recalled some Christmas stuffing because it contained moths? Apple and cranberry stuffing mix may be unfit for human consumption because it's full of fucking moths

do you reckon that's the Christmas do you reckon that's the Christmas messages that Tesco wanted to be sending out yeah it's unwelcome isn't it the thing that gets me is like I mean presumably the moths are in the fruit rather than anywhere else

you would hope so wouldn wouldn't you? You would hope so. I just think, I just don't want to be in a world where moths have chosen the food that most would make them look invisible because that suggests, if

you're looking at like a roast dinner, you're going to see a moth in gravy. You're going to see a moth on a Yorkshire pudding. You're going to see a moth on a Yorkshire pudding. You're going to see a moth on a turkey. Yeah. But you are not going to see it in some stuffing. So I don't want to live in a world where moths, muffings, moths have decided

with their tiny little moth brains to hide in the one place they could never be found. Yeah. That would suggest that we're in big fucking trouble because I ate moths. I think it's a very positive spin. I don't think the

message here is could be worse could be on your turkey. Exactly. I'd love to know how it got there. I think they should be forced to tell us

how it happened. Personally. I like the idea that what it is is the guy who makes the stuffing for us is really old and they just fell out of one of his suit

jacket pockets because he's got a musty somebody opened his wallet and it just came out do you know what, one of the weird things is I don't think I've ever had any moths chew through my clothes I know that's a thing but I've never personally witnessed that

all my clothes, you don't wear enough wool clearly is it just wool they like yeah just wool much like Paulie Walnuts in the Surprises but I've never personally witnessed that. All my clothes. I hate you. You don't wear enough wool, clearly. Is it just wool they like? Yeah, just wool. Well, much like Paulie Walnuts in The Surprise, I only wear polyester tracksuits. That's basically why. Exactly, yeah.

On that, by the way, before we get into the Christmas traditions, you just reminded me of, what are you making of the Christmas adverts this year? What's been your highlight? Apparently it's been a very, very bad year for Christmas advertising. What do you mean? It's not cutting through

or it's really expensive or they're just not really spending the money that they should be spending? I read a headline the other day saying not even Michael Bublé can save Christmas marketing campaigns

because Bublé's doing the Asda one, right? Quite enjoyable. I think Bublé's got a very, obviously got a great charm to him. He has, yeah. He's an everyman, but he will have sex with your sister. That is very much the vibe I get from him.

To me, that's up to my sister. I don't... Yeah, I know. I like my brother-in-law a lot, but if my sister had announced that she's now married to Michael Bublé instead, I think even he would acknowledge that's an upgrade. I just think that you'd invite him to Christmas dinner, he'd be up to something.

He'd just be up to something. I just don't trust him. I think he'd be on his phone a lot. I think he would be on his phone a lot. Michael, put it down. Michael, put it down. He's not even texting anyone. He's just on TikTok.

Tripod Trivial Pursuit, and you're not even listening to the question. He's watching the pneumatic drill press thing. No, he's doing this with him. He's got that beer thing, and he's going, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Michael Bublé.

He's like, look at this, look at this. It's also, it sounds like a razor. Imagine Michael Bublé was completely unaware about iPhones. Yeah. And so you had to start with the iPhone 1, like today. I think I enjoyed the presence of Bublé on the Christmas advert schedule. I just think putting Bublé on an Asda ad is a bit like putting you

in like a top of the range Rolls Royce. Right. What do you mean? Like, what, it just doesn't fit? Bit out of place. Are you saying that Asda? I was in Asda. I was in Asda.

Asda's the worst. It's the worst supermarket. Not in Shoeburyness. I was in Shoeburyness in an Asda, right? And I was having a coffee. Because I had business in Shoeburyness. What are you... Hang on.

You had... I had business in Shoeburyness, so I went, I'm going to the Asda cafe. But beforehand, I'd got one of those little cups of coffee and I'd went round the shop picking up stuff I need. And then when I got the till and I said, oh, yeah, and I've got this latte, so it's a medium latte. She went, don't worry about it.

I was like, right, I'm going to shop in there until I die. That's what she wanted. That's what she wanted. And I was like, I do think there should be some concession to someone dropping 160 quid in Asda that I don't have to pay for my coffee.

I do think that if the security guard stops you, I sort of go, look what I've just spent in your fucking shit tip. I love it. There's like a water, there's a water umbrella

collecting water where the roof's caving in and I'm shopping here. You should be allowing me this delicious Pret-a-Manger coffee, little Pret-a-Manger machine. I love it. I love it if she went, I'd still pay for it. caving in and i'm shopping here you should be allowing me this delicious pret a manger coffee a little pret a manger machine i love it i love it if she went i still pay for it just don't worry about it the thing about asda is that um is that you go to sainsbury's and it's like oh and we've

priced much with aldi and it's like that's a good thing right because sainsbury's has got good stuff asda says we price match with aldi that's's bad. Your stuff's worse than Aldi. So why am I paying more for it? I was very, I was in Aldi and I almost considered one of those kind of like goose down, gooses have downs?

Yeah, goose down. Down is a thing, yeah. Goose down. Just to make sure it's ethical though because people don't like that very much. A Canada goose getting big trouble for using them unethical things. Bad goose feathers.

Do we not eat geese? I'm confused. I can see that. There's just a lot of questions there. Yes, of course we eat geese. I mean, there's a difference between, you know, getting the feathers from an animal that's died naturally, I suppose, and then hunting them or farming them for their feathers or whatever, you know. Right.

Well, because people complain about like fur, like, you know, mink fur and all that stuff. So I presumed it was that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was considering one of those little kind of dog walking kind of jackets that have got, like, puffer jackets sort of thing in Aldi. I've got a couple of down jackets. I can help you on that. I don't know.

Don't get one in Aldi. I mean, that's the first fucking port call. I'm not there yet. I'm just not there yet. I don't know. Don't get one now, D. I mean, that's the first fucking port call. I'm not there yet. I'm just not there yet. Fair enough. And also, I think what I do think, actually, and we will do Christmas traditions in a minute, is that there's a kind of consideration

if you're shorter as a person, as a man, you have to be very, very aware of what you can wear and can't wear as a coat. If you wear a coat that's long and you're short, you're basically like a paedophile. Vengoresque. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you need to bear in mind. I was with a, it was like, you know, it was like if you were, I think you spoke about,

was it on the last show, about you having a positive chat with... Yeah, just in the street. about you having a positive chat with... Yeah, just in the street. Yeah, just in the park with another parent. And the kid started smiling on her when they saw you coming over. That was a coincidence. They stopped crying.

They smiled, yeah. And then when you came over and you said, I usually have the opposite effect and if you didn't have your child with you different dynamic I usually have the opposite effect I don't talk like that do I?

If that's what you're doing for fucking small talk no wonder you're fucking struggling I was out with someone else's Ben in, that sounds bad a mate's kid in a park and we witnessed um a uh a lot of kids um singing carols and one of them happened to be our our neighbor's kid um lovely little girl um and she was singing along and i started filming her and i thought

that's a privilege isn't it that's that's parental privileges if you've got a kid with you no one's questioning why you're filming people i don't think it's a dumb thing to be filming at the park no no but if i was just by myself same relationship and and yeah and and it was like when i was on that plane and i'd stripped um wires of my headphones and i was connecting them to the uh to the in-house thing i mean like you know imagine you know, imagine if I wasn't white. They'd be air-martialed to bits. Well, I think you should have been anyway. You're damn right. But anyway, in summary... Check your privilege.

John Lewis one's fine. I haven't seen it, I won't tell you much. Amazon one's probably the best one with the older ladies with the sleds. Can't remember that one. Not seen that one. They're rerunning the one that we got a sneak preview of last year oh yes the National Lottery one

yeah yeah National Lottery one that we were doing a job in Twitter HQ you stitched me up the week the week that

the I think the takeover happened then I think basically it was a week where there was a lot of redundancies

and there wasn't a nice vibe in there and we did a job for the National Lottery and the National Lottery showed us the... Well, I mean, we just stuck around. We shouldn't have been watching it. But we got a sneak preview of the National Lottery.

Why didn't they put that out last year then? They did put it out last year. But they're doing it again. Double bubble, isn't it? It was directed by someone quite famous, wasn't it? Yes. Yeah. Anyway.

Elon Musk. Yeah. Let's do the Christmas edition. So we asked our listeners through hello at lukeandpeach.com through at lukeandpeach show on all the various social media apps to tell us their Christmas traditions and we're going to go through

our 10 favourite traditions here we go so it's a film you watch at Christmas a lot do you want me to read what's that Fiddler on the Roof

oh yeah don't they shout tradition at one point? Do you know what? I cannot tell you how many years it's been since I saw Fiddler on the Roof. The only thing I can remember is if I were a rich man, it's the only thing I can remember. Is it problematic? I feel like it might be problematic. Well,

as a general point, there's been a lot of understandable pushback on the characterisation of Jewish characters in popular culture. So it could fall under that umbrella. I'm not sure, to be honest, Pete. I haven't thought about it. But if it is, I'm sorry to hear that.

And it's your fault for mentioning it. Have a go anywhere. That's what most people are doing these days. Have a go anywhere. First tradition from Ryan, our friend Ryan. He says, I always weigh myself before and after Christmas dinner. In 2010, I got a seven pound gain and it's yet to be beaten. I don't think you could eat seven pounds of food.

I think that's bollocks. Seven pounds? I think you could, couldn't you? It's a lot. I mean, is he doing poos? I mean, I just worry during his Christmas dinner I wouldn't have

thought so no but I just worry that he's I think that's Christmas dinner and all the trimmings and afters and pudding and picky bits you know what I mean it's just constant start yeah and

stopping himself doing a poo exactly exactly have you ever weighed yourself before and after a poo? You must have. No, no, never done that. Please do that for the next show. I've only got an analogue weighing machine. I'm a bit worried. Again, I said it before, I've lost a bit more weight

and I'm like, I don't... I am trying... I'm not drinking as much. And I was like, that can't be it. I think it probably is, though. Yeah, probably. The way I see it is, if you're that much of a deviant

that you want to know how much your turd weighs, just shit on the scale. Good point, yeah. That's the most accurate way of doing it. If you're wet wiping shit off your own scale, depending on how...

I mean, the sort of people who shit into, you know, wear their own shit, they probably don't have the firmest of stools. It's probably quite... I mean the sort of people who shit into you know where they're on shit they probably don't have the firmest of stools it's probably quite

wet it's just it's just the most accurate way of doing it I'm saying if you care that much about it you should care about the outcome true

if you get an inaccurate result then you shouldn't you know you shouldn't be happy I'll do a mean like do ten shits in a bag or do seven shits in a bag

that's what you have in a week and then compare it to the week after and the week after that take you about two years to get seven shits going bags full of shit

how many shits did you have in 2012 exactly it'd be terrible for me I'm zero shits on average alright what about this from Arno

who says even when we pull out a pair of pants from our stockings we always say oh a woolly hat and instantly put them on our heads who says, even when we pull out a pair of pants from our stockings, we always say, oh, a woolly hat, and instantly put them on our heads. I've never done that, but I'm doing it.

It's quite cute, that. Yeah, that is quite sweet. That is quite lovely, actually. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. Joachim says, the same Chelsea scarf has been given as a gag gift every single year and none of us support Chelsea. That's brilliant.

So basically, you get it one year, you wrap it up and you give it back to another random family member. It's part of a tradition and it continues forever. Well, basically,

until all of you are dead. I don't know, man. It sounds like they're getting a new Chelsea scarf every time. There's no mention of it getting wrapped up and put in places. Don't you love the idea

of that happening and it's the same scarf and it gets passed down the generations forever? That's amazing. It is nice. It is nice. It is nice.

But a lot of admin... A lot of family traditions is just having a patriarch or a matriarch who can actually fucking do it. You know what I mean? Like, yeah.

It's difficult, isn't it? Like, Cook at the Christmas Lunch would be the ultimate version of that. What is the word for patriarch, matriarch, if you're not either male or female? No idea. I would very much like to know that word. Anyway, from Joe, putting lottery tickets in my mum's stocking. She's never gotten a single number right.

That's interesting because my mum always does us. Scratch cards. Yeah, ever since it came about, she's given us a scratch card each. that's a good so that's interesting because my mum always does us she always has scratch cards yeah ever since ever since it came about she's given us a scratch card each and I think not in my house

but Sarah's house a very scratch card gifty there was one there was one year where my dad this is about 15 years ago was convinced

he'd won 10 grand and he went mental and then we checked and he hadn't. Right. It was fucking hilarious. It was so funny. But that's,

isn't that like a really working class thing to do? Annoying for him. Oh yeah. He's sort of funny side. Isn't it a really working class thing to do though, have a scratch card for Christmas? Yeah, I don't think it is, yeah.

Don't think you'd see people, there's people I know who says no way their families are doing that. Anyway, Aaron has been in touch with this one, the Matlock Raft Race.

I'm clicking on it. It's a tradition we're starting this year. So basically, apparently on Boxing Day every year, up in the Peak District, beautiful part of the world,

down the River Derwent, on homemade rafts, people design them with fun themes and inventive outfits and in the aid of the Royal National Lifeboat Institute, the RNLI, homemade rafts, people design them with fun themes and inventive outfits. And in the aid of the Royal National Lifeboat Institute, the RNLI, they fucking get themselves down the river in the freezing cold,

starting at the Corder Quarry in Matlock and finishing at Cromford Bridge. And then there's an awards ceremony afterwards. I'll tell you what, that sounds like the fucking best boxing day ever, in my view. Are they a lot of, is it kind of, do they make their own rafts? Look at the photos. Look at the photos. I know, yeah, I know some of them are like cars and like sort of sedan cars and stuff,

like the shells that they've used as rafts. To give people an insight, Pete, who can't look at this right now, one of the photos is one full of seven priests, the boat's called Boat Out of Hell, and the oars they're using are guitars. Oh, I like it. That's the kind of vibe it is.

I like that a lot. Yeah. I mean, it's a risk, though, isn't it? If you're falling in that, you're getting hypothermia on your horse immediately. It's a back-to-the-future car. Not in a wetsuit. Not in a wetsuit.

And listen, if you're raising money for the RNLI, they can at least fucking be there to help you out. At least turn up, dickhead. So thanks for raising that money for us. We've operated at a loss today. Because all the resources have gone saving you from your fucking wacky schemes. They're very good.

I mean, some of the... It's basically like a Red Bull soapbox rally. Yeah, essentially. But on water. Right, okay. And that's a beautiful part of the world, by the way. The Peak District is absolutely bloody lovely. Imagine it, but imagine if you like, what I like about it,

like you've got quite, you know, you've got Postman Pat's van, you've got the Flintstones car, you've got like all of these, the Shrek themed on. Like imagine if you just adjust the village outsider and you just make a big cock or just make something really offensive. And you're just horrible. Just like the big fucking horrible man of the town

who insists on running the raft race. Do you know what I'd love to see you do, right? I'd love to see you enter. I'd love to see it be announced. You're ready to go. And then all you do is just drive your Toyota Century into the river

yes yeah and I've just spray pitted Fred West's house on the side just get out it's just in the water fucking yes fucking yes

it's over the nightmare is over yeah there are some good ones there's one that looks like as you said looks like a Mini Cooper or something

that's been repurposed good stuff it's good stuff looks like as you said looks like a mini cooper or something that's been repurposed good stuff it's good stuff I like it because it's the kind of thing that idiot right wing people say you can't do anymore because of the

Elfin safety brigade and it's clearly not true people just have a great old fucking time people rolling cheese down the hill breaking their arms people in this country

are injuring themselves all the time doing shit they shouldn't be doing yeah exactly and that's just how it is. Anyway, next one is from Sean. He says, we play hide the carved wooden snail. It belonged to my grandparents and I'm now 52.

Do you want to unpack that one, Peter? Sean, that is charming. I mean, they've got a family carved wooden snail and you won't believe where they've gone. I wonder who takes responsibility for hiding it every year. Yeah.

Every year. Someone's got snail goo on their hands I tell you what. You know what Sean I don't know why you're listening to this show because that is wholesome.

Yeah. And I've just mentioned Fred West. I mean come on. Pete does it with real snails all over the house. Terrifying for the kids. I've got enough of them in the fucking garden. Don't eat that. I mean, come on. Pete does it with real snails all over the house. Terrifying for the kids.

I've got enough of them in the fucking garden. Don't eat that. No, don't eat that. Don't put that in your mouth. Is it myxomatosis? Do slugs give you myxomatosis if you eat them? No, that's rabbits. No, you don't get myxomatosis if you eat a rabbit.

Rabbits get it. But how do they get it? Do they not eat slugs? Stop typing. No, I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you. So, myxomatosis is something that kills rabbits. Yeah, it makes you go absolutely loopy and your eyes go funny.

For the record, I knew that without Googling. Here's the bit I didn't know without Googling. It's slugs and they carry the lungworm parasite. Lungworm. And there was a boy, wasn't there, fairly recently who died eating a slug as a fucking, like a prank or some shit. Right, okay. Anyway, we're about to take a turn because Barnaby's been in touch. Barnaby? My Christmas tradition is I have Baileys on my cornflakes at breakfast.

That's going to stay on your teeth all day, quite apart from the illness, quite apart from how ill you'll feel. You're living alone, Barn feel. Are you living alone Barnaby? Barnaby's alone. Barnaby's in his baileys. I would say that like, it's just too rich. It's just too thick.

You'd have to put it in a food processor. If he's not living alone and his wife and his kids. Daddy, Mummy, what's Daddy doing? Leave him. Just leave him. He's having his baileys He's doing his thing He's having a bowl of Baileys Come on Daddy Come and hide

Come and find the carved wooden snail Burping Endlessly burping Liam says Put on a Oh I thought it said hot scarf Put on a hat

Scarf and gloves Roll a dice And if you roll a double You have to try and eat a chocolate bar With a knife and fork Liam That a double you have to try and eat a chocolate bar with a knife and fork Liam that's made up that is

that is Premo Cub Scouts 1995 thank you for reminding me of that Liam I've not thought of eating a chocolate bar

with a knife and fork is that what people used to do I've never heard of that yeah there was very little to do up there is it a northern thing yeah hat scarf and gloves

yeah I don't know why a scarf or the hat would prevent you from eating it. Overheated. But I think... Can't see straight. Too hot.

You have to try and eat a chocolate bar with a knife and fire. It's a lovely tradition, Liam. Very wholesome again. Is that honestly, though? Don't bullshit me here. Is that honestly a tradition that happened up north?

Because I've never heard of that. No, no, it's not a tradition. It was in Cub Scouts. It was like a little game you would do, I would say. We used to play Peel the Onion at Scouts. What was Peel the Onion? That sounds...

Well, it was brutal. There's no way I'd do it now. Basically, they separate the Scout troop into two groups of equal numbers. So there's like 20 of you. So 10 and 10. The 10 of you go over to one side of the Scout hut and you link yourself together

in as many ways as possible. So you're a proper unit. So you've got arms linked, leg linked, you're all wrapped around and you stay there as hard as you can. And then the other 10 have like five minutes to pull you all apart. That's all right, isn't it?

There was one time we did it at the 5th Gospel at Sea Scouts when one of the guys in the group that was being linked together had trodden in a massive dog shit. And no one knew. And then obviously everyone just got covered in dog shit. So that's what we used to do at Scouts. Not fucking eating a chocolate bar with a knife and fork

Jesus a vicar came in and touched my body right that's what no there's two more we're doing them I thought we were doing them on Christmas day that's the emails oh god alright then the news agent in my village Ben says

the village my parents live in stays open on Christmas morning and the first person to arrive trying to buy batteries for a kid's toy gets a free bottle of wine. Oh, that's nice. Batteries? He says it's normally Duracell. Right up our street, Ben. Right up our street.

Yeah, that's lovely. Tom says, for the past 10 years, I've followed this plan I made to make the perfect Christmas lunch. It's had the odd little tweak over time, but in the main, it has done me proud and free for anyone else mad enough to want to follow it. I mean, it's good stuff. It starts at 10pm Christmas Eve and finishes at 4 o'clock Christmas Day.

To his credit, I mean, there's only one item on the itinerary at 10 o'clock on Christmas Eve night and that's take sausage rolls out. Is that from the freezer presumably? Into the fridge? The thing I don't like,

I really appreciate Tom sending this in, but the thing I don't like is that it feels too prescriptive because he's even got stuff in there like eat the starter, eat the sorbet. Roast me nips, 1330. Roast me nips, he must be dry.

It is chaotic. If you're doing stuff like, whatever the hell, Ouvre le vin rouge, and making meatballs and, you know, heating plates, I mean, I would say, Tom, you need this. You've just got too many variables. Too much going on. I try to say that to my mum every year if she gets a bit stressed out. Mum, we're going to have a great time anyway.

Don't worry about it. Yeah. We're happy to be together. We'll eat whatever. Give us a moose. Just give us a big moose and I'll enjoy that. Listen, I'll go get the Viennetta. Just get five Viennetta's.

We'll eat that and we'll be happy. I reckon it would be great if everyone was sat down at the dining room table and my mum just came in and just plonked a Viennet in front of everyone including the kids you've got one each enjoy best Christmas ever

for the kids and then she's put her feet up in front of the telly with a glass of wine and watched Michael Buble right let's go we can go now

but you can take us out over the next episode that people will hear from us we'll be on Christmas Day so how exciting is that good luck with your Christmas prep we'll be be on Christmas Day. So how exciting is that? Good luck with all the Christmas prep. We'll be back on Christmas Day.

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