The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 2: Never Go Into Your Stepdad's Study

Episode Date: June 11, 2017

What happens when a bird flies into your house? Why is a man on the internet filming himself eating the oldest things he can find? What do you do when you use your step-dad's computer and discover something unspeakable? And how long can a chicken live without a head?Just four of the questions Luke and Pete attempt to answer in their own inimitable style for the sophomore episode of Luke and Pete's Summer. Strap yourselves in.Say hello! [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome, this is Luke and Pete's summer. Still not sure of that name, but we're going with it. Mine is Pete Donaldson, I'm joined by Luke Marr on the other chair. Alright. I called you Luke Marr there. You get Luke Marr. As if you're Johnny Marr's brother. I've got a chair, and that's better than usual. You actually had two chairs, but you got rid of one and got a new one, yeah.

Such a diva. Into episode two now, the rider requests are going sky high. Just watching Luke trying to fiddle with, to be honest, a rather complicated chair. It's got three levers and one of those little inflated things on the back. They are too complicated these days, Pete.

Not right. I've told you that before. We haven't got time to go into it now, but maybe that'll make the basis of episode three. Episode three, chair chat. We're talking about chairs now. We've run out. Episode two, this is, of our little Luke and Pete party.

Once again, we're going to be treating you to the highlights of our week, something we've been enjoying, devouring, or just simply rubbing up against, basically. We're going to be committing another entry to our Men Carter CD-ROM encyclopedia, and we'll be fielding some emotionally lauded questions from you braggarts. First things first,

I've got a jingle for this, Luke. Oh, good. Yeah. It's been... It's been one week since we've done an episode. I dread you hadn't heard that before. Right. Bit of, um, let me try and remember the name of that band.

Come on. It's, um... Really? It's been one week since you looked at me. Ah, what are they called, Pete? Bare Naked Ladies? It's been... Correct since you looked at me. What are they called, Pete? Bare Naked Ladies? It's been. There we go.

It's been one second since I got that right. So yes, it's been one week since we've done an episode. So what have you been enjoying this week, Luke? What nonsense has piqued your considerable interest? Well, as ever, Pete, I have used this rough framework for a show, interpreted it as I wish, and I'm now going to answer a completely different question. What haven't you done this week?

If you watch and consume enough media, or even listen to enough radio, when they get people on as interviews for different expert opinions and stuff, if you're very careful, you can listen out for them just answering the question they want to answer. Yeah. Politicians do it quite a lot, don't they? Yeah, exactly. So, I'm going to do that now. Okay.

No word of a lie. I haven't briefed you on this ahead of time or anything like that. But what I wanted to talk to you about this week was a tiny bird flew into my house today. There was a bird? There was a bird. I was sat in the living room. It was a particularly muggy day today. Particularly birdy day for you.

Yeah. Well, it certainly turned into a particularly birdie day, but it was particularly muggy. So my living room's on the first floor, and I had the windows open. I was sat there working away, and I had a sort of strange sort of sense that something was awry.

You had a strange sort of sense that a bird was watching you. Well, I didn't at this point know it was a bird, but I've got two cats, and one of them was sat on the next chair, and he sort of looked over a bit strangely and got really excited. I looked over in turn. There was a tiny little blue tit sat on the inside windowsill of the living room. Wow.

Was there just a moment where you looked at the cats, looked at the bird, the bird looked at you and thought, shit's going to go bad. Shit's going to go south real quick. The bird then hopped onto the top of the TV. Yeah. Obviously, the flat, because the TV's quite thin now, right? Yeah.

So you just perch on it. And I thought, I don't know what to do. It was almost like, it's not like when, I imagine, if you live in a sort of exotic country and something poisonous or genuinely dangerous approaches you, you know the bird can't hurt you. Yeah. But you think, I've got to deal with this now.

There's no one I can call. The bird just looked at everyone and went, I suppose you're wondering why I brought you all here. I was like, I've got a cat. I mean, he's not picked the greatest house to pop into, has he? Two cats. Two young, spunky cats. And in many countries, I think this is

superstition-wise, this is a bad thing, right? People think this is a signifier of terrible news is going to come your way, or death, or all that sort of stuff. Like a monkey on a roof. Yeah. That's what they have a lot of time. Is that right? I think in Malaysia, I think monkeys on roofs is a bad sign. Bad karma.

That must happen all the time over there, though. Yeah. A lot of bad luck around there. I think generally... It's a very unlucky country. Generally speaking, if there's a monkey on your roof in London, something has got to right. You live in Camden and London Zoo have not been counting them in and counting them out. Yeah.

But anyway, so this bird was in and I thought, I wasn't thinking about the superstition at the time, I was just thinking... Where's my revolver? I don't know if I'm... No, no, no, no, no, no. I would never do that, Peter. You don't have a revolver for one.

Wow. But I was thinking, well, in my naive state of mind, I was thinking, well, I'll just open the window wider and he'll probably fly out. Obviously, that wasn't happening. So I did that anyway, but he wouldn't fly out. So I thought, I'm going to take ages to catch him here. And I don't want the cat chasing him.

So I grabbed the cat. The cat looked so disappointed. The cat's not done anything. Don't punish the cat for what the bird decided to do. But I want the cat out. It's an old proverb. Yeah. I wanted the cat out what the bird decided to do. But I want the cat out. It's an old proverb. Yeah. I wanted the cat out so I could deal with it.

So I basically put the cat out. Right. I went into the kitchen, grabbed a tea towel, and thought, I'm going to be here all day trying to catch this bird. I'm pleased no one's here watching me do this. But you know something? Funnily enough, when I got... I mean, the bird did fly around a little bit.

Yeah. But it wasn't like bird shit and feathers everywhere. It was very, very serene. It's a very tiny thing anyway. When I got very close to it, it just completely froze. Like, completely froze. And so I was able to get the tea towel over it, carry it to the window, and just sort of open the tea towel.

Squeeze your hands. Open the tea towel, and it was just blood and gut. No, no. Open the tea towel on the windowsill like a little parcel. Right. And just sort of looked around and flew off. But, so, I mean, listen, nothing's happened to me since then. It was only a few, it was mere hours ago.

So I could get struck down the way home. But that is by far the defining event of my week. And make of that what you will. But do you not think it's strange that in 2017, I know we live in the city. Yeah. You live a little bit further out than me, but I just think that sometimes when you see an image of like

a wild animal inside somewhere quite, you know, quite base, like an office block or like a house. You normally see, you sometimes find pigeons in train stations and stuff. Yeah, exactly. I once saw a pigeon get on a train to Brighton. Bearing in mind, the train to Brighton from London Bridge only has two stops.

One in three bridges. Possibly Gatwick Airport. And then on to Brighton. So this bird flew on and caused chaos in the carriage. Everyone cleared out that carriage and just went to a different one. And it got out of Brighton. So that bird must have been, right, I've gone to a train, gone out of Brighton,

he wouldn't know where he is. They have a little ticket tucked under his head. A little copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. A similar thing happened to me though, a few,

actually, probably about two months ago, a little wee bird, I think I took a picture actually, it came in and sat on my cooker hood. Oh right, then it flew off again.

No, I did the similar thing to you, really. I just sort of walked slowly towards it, opened the window, and it managed to just kind of figure out that it's not supposed to be in there. No, exactly. You're not supposed to be in there, little bird.

But sometimes, I mean, it's happened to me, and I used to work in an office, a full glass-fronted office, and at one point, a bird, what sort of bird was it? I think it might have actually been a duck, flew full pelt into the window. It was a really thick sort of double glazed window.

It didn't spread a window or anything, but it massively sort of stunned itself, concussed itself. And it was just sat there for ages. I was like, oh, this is terrible. It was right next to my desk. After a while it sort of got itself together and flew off, which is fantastic. But you just reminded me of that pigeon on the train. A friend of mine shared a picture

of me, which I may have shared with you. He took a photo of a fox just riding an escalator up from a tube station. The photo is the fox just rising over the crest of the top of the escalator. It's just nonchalantly been on the tube. Beautiful. With a baller hat on. Everyone loves it when an animal does something a human's supposed to do.

Yeah. So that's a great example of that. When you look at the birds hitting the window and stuff, there was a story last week that in Texas, I think it was, these migratory birds, I think 200 to 300 of them, all got confused by fog or something and they flew too low, hit a skyscraper and killed themselves.

So 200 birds at the same time. Imagine that, just raining down on you. Biblical. I also heard, I don't know if this is true, but I heard that the way that scientists found out

that birds migrate is because a big crane... It befriended one. No, no. Where's he gone? I think people up until a certain point thought that birds just died. They didn't live that long.

Right. They didn't realise they migrated because they just used to disappear, right? Right. And I think apparently once, like a big tall crane flew back to Europe with a spear in its neck. Ah.

And it had been hunted by, I don't know, I guess like Zulus or something. Yeah. Way back in the day. And that's when they realised they'd put two and two together and thought, hang on a minute. I've seen that spear. That's Steve's spear. Yeah. Steve said he wasn't anywhere in the day. And that's when they realised they'd put two and two together and thought, hang on a minute. I've seen that spear.

That's Steve's spear. Yeah. Steve said he wasn't anywhere near the internet. So there we go. More bird chatting than I was expecting. Wow. Yeah. So can your moment of the week top a bird in a house?

That's what I want to know. One in the house is better than one in the bush. Mine basically deals with a man called Steve. Okay. On the internet, on YouTube. Okay. Basically... Can I just say, when we started doing this show, I did say to you, if you want to do

this, you're going to have to leave the house. You can't just sit in your bedroom. Your story was literally a bird in your house. Well, I've inverted it. No, haven't it? Steve1989MREinfo. It's a guy on YouTube. It's I've inverted it. Not having it. Steve 1989 MRE Info. It's a guy on YouTube. It's not a catchy name. We don't

know what his second name is. Look, what's the oldest thing you've ever eaten? Oldest thing? Yeah. Wow. Like, have you ever sort of been at your mum and dad's house and gone to the back of the cupboards? Because, like, the older generation would stock cans for, like, decades, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. Big time. I'm quite sort of, um, not'm quite sort of brave about that stuff.

I'll give stuff a sniff and if it smells alright, I'll eat it. Right. I went through a phase of eating sort of quite, quite out of date fruit. Yeah. But sometimes it would be a bit furry and I'd just wash the fur off and that used to give me quite bad stomach aches. Kept doing it. But fruit doesn't last that long, does it?

So probably not that. I mean, but I know what you mean. In terms of tinder stuff, I was cleaning out a cupboard of a deceased relative maybe a few years ago. And there was stuff in the back of that cupboard. Also deceased.

It was five, six or seven years out of date. I didn't eat it. I just looked at it. I ommed it. I ummed it. I ummed it and it touched my lips. The first thing you said when you said to me, what's the oldest thing you've eaten? I was thinking, in terms of oldest things I've consumed,

it would be like an old scotch or something, probably an old bottle of wine or something like that. Right, okay. That's quite a middle class answer, isn't it? It's a little bit. What has this guy got to do? Ten year egg. Has this man got a YouTube channel of eating old food?

Well, you've spoiled the surprise, but yes. A man from America on YouTube who specialises in eating really, really old food. Anyone who's ever known you in any capacity would have had to guess that piece. It's inhuman. I love this guy. So what sort of stuff has he eaten? Well, he's part of an online community

who swap old, what they call MREs, Military Ready-to-Eat Rations. Right. So he basically locates, finds, borrows, buys old rations from back in the day. They're obviously food that aren't designed for gourmet taste. They're designed to just pack as many calories into a small amount of space. I'm presuming they're designed to last a long time as well. Exactly.

So some of the rarest stuff he's eaten is Italian army rations from back in the day that contained little liquor miniatures and stuff. And because these rations are raising quite a bit of money on the grey market, there's actually criminal investigation units inside the army set up to find out who's selling these rations off the back of a lorry to people. So it's not only just old stuff. He also eats the modern ration from like the Israeli army or the Russian army.

Just to see the difference between them. Just to see what you get in each pack and stuff. I can perfectly picture what this man looks like. What does he look like? Describe him. I reckon... Because I'll show you a video of him. Quite nerdy.

Yeah. Quite nerdy looking. No, you know, he's quite handsome, quite healthy looking, quite tanned. Where's one of those caps with like a American warship on the front? USS Freedom or whatever. He might have been wearing a wife beater with an American flag on. Yeah, there we go. But he's my hero.

He's such a dude. Okay, right. As I said, he's very tanned. It might be hepatitis. I don't know. It might be salmonella. It might be something else. But Steve makes the big point of saying that he doesn't have health insurance.

Right. And he's eaten all this old food from back in the day. Boasting. I'm pretty sure I saw on the 100th anniversary of a battle in the First World War, I'm pretty sure I saw a sort of ration tin, a bouillon tin being eaten or something, and the guy was like, yeah, it's not that good. This isn't delicious.

I think it was just corned beef and biscuits or something. Well, I think, yeah, I mean, that is, it's usually like really fatty meat and usually a lot of kind of saltine kind of biscuits. Yeah, saltines,ines exactly to give you give you what you need i mean on that note i said earlier i'm quite sort of a laissez-faire when it comes to worrying about fruit being out of date particularly but i would say overall you are a much more adventurous eater than i am yeah but i won't eat anything that's gone off though like i'm pretty diligent about sell by dates and use by dates and stuff you almost you it's almost

perverse how often you want to eat weird food. I mean, I've been with you before when we've been, I don't know, on a Sunday morning or whatever before a football match and I've seen you pile into a full steak

tartare with a raw egg before football, for example, which to most people listening to this, if not all, will think that is ridiculous. I'll level with you.

It's not the ideal. It's not isotonic. I was having a Lucas Ice port and a banana, I think. You're tacking it to a Lucas Ice Sport and a banana, I think. You're tacking it to a full joint of raw meat. Just very heavy. It was a big portion. It was too heavy.

I remember the last time I played football, the second last time I played football, I ate a full creme brulee just before I started. I thought, I'll give myself an hour. Turns out you need longer. Just me playing football vomiting off some mystery food. You can't book me for that, ref. I've just had a creme brulee.

Speaking of fruit, by the way. I just made this red card and a yellow one. I was reading or just finished reading David Niven's memoir, The Moons Are Blue. This is not new news. It's a classic Hollywood memoir from the golden age of Hollywood.

He tells a funny story in that about fruit where he says that either him or his friend were invited. This is not new news. It's a classic Hollywood memoir from the golden age of Hollywood. And he tells a funny story in that about fruit, where he says that either him or his friend were invited. This is way back in the 30s. Him or his friend were invited to play cricket at a Duke's country estate. Because they knew he played a bit of cricket, right? And it was the Duke of Gloucester or whatever's massive country retreat. So there's a bit of an event happening, a bit of a day thing, and we want you to play cricket. We heard you're good at cricket, and we'd love to have you part of the team. And he was like, oh, whatever, this massive country retreat. So there's a bit of an event happening, a bit of a day thing and we want you to play cricket.

We heard you're good at cricket and we'd love to have you part of the team. And he was like, oh yeah, alright, fine. I don't think he really wanted to do it because he didn't really like the high society side of it.

So he got there the night before and got put up in this amazing room and in the morning he was quite nervous and he looked out the window and there's a massive throng of people on the grounds

and stuff. And he said, oh God. So he walked downstairs and just had treated himself to a little walk around the ground delayed the inevitable basically and as he was walking through the little orchard he came into a little greenhouse walked through and saw these different fruit trees and everything and he saw a um a single peach hanging on a tree he said oh you know what i'll have that i ain't gonna miss that now this is biblical grab the grab the grab biblical. Grab the peach, starts eating it, right? Finishes the peach, walks around to the edge of the group,

and he says, right, OK, everyone, how are you doing? This is so-and-so. He's like, yeah, right, nice to meet you. Why don't we start on the cricket? He said, well, we'll start in a minute, but the press are just on their way over there. The press pack are going to be here soon, we'll do all the photos and everything, and then we'll go.

And he was like, what do you mean, the press pack? What, it's just a cricket game? He said, yeah, it is a cricket game, but it's also just to commemorate the Duke's achievements. And he was like, what do you mean a press pack? I thought it was just a cricket game. He said, yeah, it is a cricket game, but it's also just to commemorate the Duke's achievements. And he was like, what do you mean? He said, well,

the biggest achievement he's just had recently, he's just become the first human in history to grow a full-sized peach on a miniature peach tree. That's wonderful. He just turned on his heels,

went to the room, grabbed his stuff, just grabbed his left. Just picked up a cricket bat and just smashed himself in the face. I don't know what happened, I'm sorry. If that was stuff, just picked him a cricket bat and just smashed himself in the face. I don't know what happened, I'm sorry.

If that was me, I would have definitely eaten it as well. I would have gone looking for laburnum, I think. Just like munching down those seeds,

yum, yum, yum. The good thing is you can probably get lost in a place that big so you just leg it as quick as you can. I do wonder whether it was, I guess back in the day

you wouldn't have security cameras. You could get away with a lot more stuff. Oh yeah, big time. Like any crime, look around to see if anyone is around. Nowadays, you've got to look for, like, cameras and stuff. We cannot use this vehicle to advocate crime.

I'm not advocating it. I'm just helping people plan crimes. Roll back the nanny state and then commit crimes. Yeah, plan better crimes, guys. Watch out for cameras. So, this guy's got quite a relaxing voice. The sounds of the packets getting opened.

It's quite similar to those ASMR videos. Are you familiar with those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's just like whispering women and men kind of like rustling papers

and stuff like that. What's the point of that? It's kind of relaxing. Well, there's some people who are particularly susceptible to it. Yeah, some people are particularly susceptible.

It's a little bit sexually exciting for people because it's like, you know, in your ear kind of thing. But, yeah, it's a little bit like that for people because it's like in your ear kind of thing but yeah it's a little bit like that it's quite relaxing to watch and you sort of doze off watching him eat some pretty difficult stuff

can you sort of submit your own ration pack for him to try yeah I mean people send him stuff all the time and he just puts it in his mouth which is, we should start doing that on this show I think he basically knows the food is okay to eat and he just puts it in his mouth, which is... Right. We should start doing that on this show, I think, in many ways. He basically knows the food is okay to eat because the pack, if oxygen's got to it,

the packs will just swell up to, like, twice their size. Makes sense, okay. So the amount of times he's, like, opened a tin and there's just been, like, it's been strawberry, you know, tin strawberries or whatever,

it's just been black. How did you find out about this guy in the first place? I don't know, just on my travels. But he's quite popular. He's got a hell of a following, but... How many subscribers are we talking? Oh, he's been black how did you find out about this guy in the first place I don't know on my travels but he's quite popular he's got a hell of a following how many subscribers

are we talking oh he's got loads like absolute complete millions like some people from the forces some people from the forces like email him going

why are you doing this I never wanted to see another one of these as long as I live because obviously they had to live off them for such a long time but like people who

like in some of the packs there's things like powdered lemon so that people don't have scurvy and stuff like that because it's the only way to get vitamin C into their diet

it's incredible that must be old fashioned surely these days you get like tablets and pills yeah yeah yeah obviously but it seems to be

one of his best episodes was him eating a hardtack which is like it's like a biscuit saltine sort of biscuit but very dry very nutritious but they can be stored for ages he ate one from the US Civil War 1863 I was about to ask It's like a biscuit, saltine sort of biscuit, but very dry, very nutritious,

but they can be stored for ages. He ate one from the US Civil War, 1863. I was about to ask, that's so funny, that is fascinating to start with, but I was about to ask, my next question would be, how far back would he go? Because, I don't know if you're familiar, but down on the south coast, the Mary Rose Museum. Right. The Mary Rose, obviously Henry VIII's flagship, sank in the Solent in the 16th century. And almost one half of it was perfectly preserved because it sunk instantly into the silt.

Right, OK. And now, obviously, I think in the 1980s, they raised it and they've treated it, and it's now a pretty good... Well, it's actually a brilliant museum. And they've got all that stuff in there. And they've got stuff... Obviously, I think there'll be either fossils of it

or there'll be some sort of variation on what it should be. But they've got like chips, biscuits and stuff like that. Well, after a while, things like that soak up rock and carbon. So they've just become carbonated. That's probably what it is. Just carbon, basically. There's a famous tree in the Natural History Museum that I love. And I think I'm the only person who actually goes in and just looks at that tree,

because everyone just walks past it. But it's a tree trunk that, back in the day, obviously you've got the sequoia at the top of the stairs, the big massive one that's like a thousand years old. But there's a tree stump that got basically just filled with carbon. It's soaked up so many minerals that it's just this kind of like stone tree, but it looks like a tree, but every atom of it is now being replaced

by a different kind of carbon, like a hardened diamond hard carbon. It's fantastic. The oldest tree ever to be discovered, I think I'm right in saying, was cut down by some students or some scientists accidentally. Right.

And they only realised it was the oldest tree in existence after they cut it down. When David Niven turned up and went, I'm here for the big tree fest. No, when they counted the rings or whatever they would do for a tree of that age. And they were like, oh, yeah. Chop a glow so no one got any normal nails.

Sorry about that. Yeah, so, yeah. Once you've chopped a tree down, there must be a way of kind of surgically sticking it together because that's how you kind of do

bonsai trees, isn't it? Is that why you were kicked out of university? I was kicked out of Goethe. I was going to say if I'm knocking that down. Kicked out of Richmond Park. All I'm saying is

there must be a way we can fix this. That's why that bird turned up in your house because I cut down his tree. Are you the owner of Fenton, the dog? Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner.

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Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. We'll both look after Luke. If he feels sad about Mum and Dad, we'll both look after Luke. So shall we watch a bit of this guy? Yeah, OK, great. This is a near-complete piece of hard tech

packed by G.H. Benton Company, Milton, Massachusetts, in the summer of 1863. So explain what we're watching here, Luke. So the American chap is taking a... Use his name, Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve 1989 MRE info. He's using... That's cool. He's taking a 160 or 155 year or whatever it is cracker out of a plastic sheath. Mm. And, um... I mean, it's absolutely remarkable, really.

Hard tack, it's called. It looks like a piece of clay from a quarry. It's been quarried. It kind of tastes like... It tastes exactly the way it smells. It tastes like mothballs and old library books.

I'm not surprised. Why is it surprised? It's a thick cracker made of flour, water and occasionally some salt. When properly stored it lasts for years. Well obviously it's 100 years. It looks like

the skin of an old man is not very well but rigid as heck. It looks like you're eating a bit of stone. An incredible man doing some incredible things, really. I mean, I don't know if I agree with that. Put it in your mouth. It's a man eating an old cracker.

So now, I mean, 1943, World War II, British RAF emergency flying ration. Yeah. On the top it says, read instructions carefully. Yeah. Which I quite like. ration. Yeah. On the top it says, read instructions carefully, which I quite like.

This is a World War II British Royal Air Force emergency flying ration, Mark. We just said that, Steve. Honestly. You've eaten a bad cracker, mate. Steve, just eat it. I'm putting it in your mouth, Steve. That's what they're presenting. It's very uncommon.

I've only found one other one in all the time searching for this specific ration. Can I just say, if it's uncommon, you shouldn't be eating it. It's either an antique or it isn't. Yeah. Do you know what I found the other day? What?

Oh, 1944 ration. There's only one left in the world. Can I see it? No, I hate it. I hate it. Oh, you know what I've dug up? I've dug up the missing link between chimps and humans. What have you done with it?

Fucked it in the head. Can I see it? Yeah, if you want. This is the bathroom. Yeah, it's in the can. Two years old and going on 73. So, without further ado, let's check this out. So he's opening what looks like a cigarette case

filled with very tidily arranged old nosh. Can I just say, you know when you go into a restaurant and you look at the menu and you really can't decide what you want to eat? Yeah. I mean, it's got everything, hasn't it? I like one of the bits of advice in the lid of the can. It says, never drink sea water. You shouldn't be in the RAF. You don't know that.

You shouldn't be in the services. Steve would fucking do it. Pirates have known that for hundreds of years. Yeah, Steve would drink it. The energy tablets should be taken only on instructions from the officer in command. Instructions to this officer are printed on the carton and repeated on the leaflet inside. Oh, the energy tablets. A little bit of Lucas Ed.

Do you reckon when he goes out for dinner with his family, they're like, what do you want? What can I get you? I'll have the steak, please. How do you I get you? I'll have the steak please. How do you want it cooked? I'll have it medium. Okay. How old is the steak? Have you got any 70 year aged

steak? The best videos are when he unpacks corn beef that's been around for 50 years. Oh god. Foul. So I'll draw the line there. I think, that being said you see there's only one pack of energy tablets. This one has two. And the barley sugar and gum are missing.

Someone's been at my ration, says Steve. All I can say is, I do think Steve's actually a bit more of a better bloke than I thought he'd be. He's quite softly spoken, isn't he? Yeah, he's actually quite nice to listen to, isn't he? Quite engaging. Unlike us. This man promised us the fact that he was going to eat loads of food. Right.

But he's stopped at the energy tablets. Let's watch him get these down his Gregory Peck, and then let's watch him eat some really old meat. He's backing out here. He's stressing out that there's actual drugs in this plumbing packet. I think if you've got to the stage in your life where you're eating 70-year-old amphetamines, you probably want

to just have a little bit of a recalibration of your priorities. You know, and they said that the 90s was good for ecstasy. How good is it

for these barbs? Placed by dexedrine, dextroamphetamine sulfate. He's got his tweezers in there. It is Adderall,

but this is the original Adderall. The original crank. Let's try out this candy. Smells like a nice malted milk tablet with a little bit of motor oil. That never killed me, buddy. Oh, yeah. Well, it's just like a really weird waxy Tootsie Roll.

Yeah, well, yeah, that's just super bitter. You are, mate. May I remind you that this man has no health insurance. So I'm going to click onto one about, it looks like a massive chunk of meat from the Vietnam War. Right, OK. So, I mean, that's... Well, the actual sort of picture at the start of it,

it looks like a horrible... It looks like bully beef, doesn't it? Like a big roll of beef that you'd get back in the day. But this is quite old. How old is this one? That's from the Vietnam War, so early 70s. But it looks to me like... You know when you get a massive thing of salami in the deli counter at a supermarket?

It looks like that. Probably about the same age, to be honest. It said the same thing. Hang on, has he bought that from Asda? Just put it in an old box. It's got a yellow sticker on it. But this thing, you know, I'm pretty sure the main course is cooked. It's rattling.

It's dropping like bits of rust everywhere. Alright, so let's check this out. First starting off with a accessory packet. You've got your cigarettes, matches, chewing gum, toilet paper, coffee, creamer, sugar, salt,

and an interdental stimulator. Huh. Is that one of those sticks that you poke into your gums to make them do stuff? Imagine you know you wear around an interdental stimulator. I don't even floss, mate. I'm fast-forwarding to him eating the beef. Seedless blackberry jam. And I don't think this thing's leaked. It does have bug carcasses on the side that...

Whoa, look at that. It does have bug carcasses on the side. Look at this. So what he's done is he's put... It's got mould all over it. Yeah, don't eat that, mate. Why put myself through it? Well, it really has a salami or bologna.

It's like a tall, it's like a small can of cat food. Yeah, like a roll of, like, you know those kind of, like, goat's cheeses you get? But, like, one that's been sat in the sun for about 30 years. I'm sure that's how it always was. I think my life was better before I knew about this guy. And this is what you

constantly do this to me. He's moving the chunk of meat on an old spoon from the Vietnam War and close up the camera. Again, if you ate that, I don't know what it would do, necessarily. I mean, I don't know what it would do necessarily. I mean, I've never eaten mouldy canned meat, nor am I ever planning to. What?

Then you shouldn't have the channel, mate. Because that's exactly what I'm doing it in for. Right, so what's he done exactly? He's had a bit of sugar, a bit of salt. He's just opened it all. That's poor. That's poor. Poor Shoy.

Poor Shoy from Steve. So if you do want to check out Steve, he's Steve1989MR8info and he's quite well known. I mean, the thing is, how does he get such a big following with that username? I think you just start with something. You don't really want to change it. I think he should really be following through when he opens to eating.

He'll be following through later, mate. After all that rotten meat. Okay, Luke, don't gunge me, mate. Pipe down, Pete. I told you never to argue with the customers. Right, so we've had birds, we've had rotten meat from the 70s and further.

Mine is Pete Donaldson, just resetting, Luke. Yeah. Well, I've let you know now, but I'm Pete, you're Luke. Yeah. You need to tell the listeners that, not me. I i am i don't know who i am uh we're men who are in our 30s flirty 30s and something we're only too eager to impart is the fact that we've we've lived a little luke haven't we well i just think i mean as i mentioned it earlier i mean last 10 or 15 years of me knowing you is it i mean and this show has brought it into microcosm, you keep making my life worse. Yes.

Why not make some listeners' lives worse as well? Give people a perspective. But the difference between them and you, you can't turn me off. We've waltzed the waltz we call life. We've listened to the Elliot Smith song Waltz. I once interviewed Christoph Waltz. Did you? He was a nice

bloke. So we know a thing or two about life and Waltzes. So we want basically your problems. If you've got a problem and no one can help you, we want to solve these problems for you. If you've got a problem and you think no one can help, the email address is hello at lukenpeachshow.com

I mean, if you want any more sort of information and sort of context about how qualified we are to do this section, I mean, I used to ghost more sort of information and sort of context about how qualified we are to do this section. Yeah. I mean, I used to ghostwrite for Graham Lasso. Wow, goodness. You've interviewed Christoph Waltz. Yeah.

You've also interviewed the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have, yeah. I am sort of friends with Clint Hill, the football player. Clint Hill takes pills. There you go. There's lots of stuff going on. So if anyone's qualified, it's probably us. Yeah.

Clint Hill doesn't take pills. It was just an idea for a TV show I thought he'd be on board with. He wasn't. Yeah, hello at lukeandpeachshow.com if you've got a problem. We could be helping you. And I must make sure that you guys know that the and is an actual and and not an ampersand. Yeah, hello at lukeandpeachshow.com. And get in touch with anything.

It doesn't just have to be your problems. We'd like to hear your problems so we can talk about them. Tell us about your week. A problem shared is a problem halved. But yeah, you can get in touch with anything. It doesn't just have to be your problems. We'd like to hear your problems so we can talk about them. Tell us about your week. A problem shared is a problem halved. But yeah, you can get in touch with anything if you want. I mean, we always like to read and hear from you. So last week we launched this particular section. It was traumatic.

It was traumatic. I got some weird ones off the internet. But this week we've actually had some entries. Yes, well, I'm not surprised, Pete, after that showing last week. It was a humdinger, mate. Yeah, it was. It was fantastic. And every time I leave you in charge of things, I think, why am I'm not surprised, Pete, after that show last week. It was a humdinger, mate. Yeah, it was. It was fantastic. And every time I leave you in charge of things,

I think, why am I doing that? But ultimately, it comes down to one thing, and that's laziness on my part. Exactly, yeah. So I've got one here from Michael in Colchester. Right, okay. He doesn't give his surname, and you'll hear why in a minute. And he says,

Dear Luke and Pete, The incident, as I call it, happened a long time ago, but it's been eating away at me ever since. My stepdad is a bit of an oddball. He's very introverted and is really into Warhammer and battle reenactments and spends a lot of time online.

When we first got the internet, the computer was of course in his study, and so I had to go in there if I wanted to use it. Right. Red flags. Yeah, what, a study-based computer? You look a bit worried, Pete. One day I found a folder on his desktop named Sexies. Right, okay.

So that's going to have, like, pornography in it. This made Michael think two things. A, if you're going to have a secret folder full of sexy stuff, don't label it sexy. My dad has got one on his desktop and it just says girls you've been serious yeah and it's just like really glossy 1990s glamour models that's quite sweet in a way girls there's nothing wrong with any of it people do what they want to do i'll occasionally catch my dad on his ipad googling the girls out of the robert palmer addicted love video stop this now. Constantly, just constantly.

That's endless. That cannot be true. It's true, yeah. Even in, like, every year, he'll be looking at what they're up to. Really? Because it wasn't really an affecting video for us when we were kids, you know. I was more of a Michelle Gill on Top of the Pops kind of guy.

Yeah, I can dig that. I don't want to hear any more about your dad because I've got a very sort of clear picture of my own mind about what your dad's like, and I don't want that changed. Right. Anyway, so Michael says, this made me think two things. A, if you're going to have a secret folder full of sexy stuff,

don't label it sexy. B, I really shouldn't look at any of these, but I feel like I have to. So I clicked on the folder to find out, other than my mum, what sort of girls my stepdad was into. OK? Right. You on board so far?

I'm on board so far, yeah. The first video... It isn't going to look really dark is it the first well listen you you asked for this i mean like criminal daft do we do we report anyone in this right well i don't know i don't think so i mean you'll see one in a minute okay the first video was of him licking a fake knife oh i got anything about your dad to add to that? No, my dad has never licked a fake... How did you know it was fake, though? Well, I don't know. Yeah. The second video, and you need to strap yourself in here.

If you listen to this at home... Oh, whoa, whoa. I would like a bit more information about the licking. Was it like a long, cautious lick? Or just a... At this point, if you're listening to this show on anything other than headphones, please put some headphones in.

On the bus. On the back of the bus. Please make sure you're somewhere safe and warm. The second video was a beautifully rendered 3D animation of a dragon having sex with a horse. I don't even know how... Because horses are so differently sized.

I turned off the computer, but every family gets together when he's talking to me. I'm never really listening, because all I can think of is mythical fantasy bumming. Please help. What do I do?

I'd be more worried about this. Have you opened this Pandora's box, Johnson? Can you imagine? Can you just imagine? A, I don't know where a dragon's vagina is. B, if I was... I think it's anal discourse, mate. Okay, sorry, right.

It says mythical fantasy bumming. To make this absolutely clear, in the interest of clarity, I want to make sure we get it right in case full factor on our case. I think it was anil intercourse. Do lizards have vaginas? I would imagine they do, yeah.

Because they're legs, don't they? A dragon is a fictional being. Yeah, but it's based on a lizard, don't it? Yeah, okay. In many ways. But we should rename this section. A Komodo dragon, if anything. Email us your problems and we'll laugh at you. I have no

advice for this person. I mean, what I would say is if you're at a family get-together, like a barbecue or something, I would double wash those forks and knives. Oh, where's the dragon steak? I mean, the beef steak. I mean, the semi-serious advice I could offer is, I mean, it's not always the best, as you found out to your chagrin there,

it's not always necessary for you to know everything about everyone else. That's the thing, you see, these days, everyone wants to know everything about everyone, right? They do. I mean, you look at celebrity newspapers, celebrity magazines, all that stuff. Sometimes, you don't need to know.

Even if it's a member of your close family, don't pull the thread all the time. It's fun, though, isn't it? This is a show about us pulling the thread of life, I suppose, and all the different stuff that's going on, and that's part of what we do. But I don't think you necessarily have to pull the thread of all your nearest and dearest, because this sort of stuff can happen. You imagine you step down licking knives.

That's not the worst part of it, though, is it? No. Well, you could be sent something like that as a joke. Oh, look at this. Look what I found on the internet. The internet's weird, isn't it? But the knife thing, he's actually done that himself. But I think if I saw the 3D animation of the dragon and the horse thing,

I think I would probably automatically assume that was some sort of malware or something like that. Malware? Do I mean malware? Like a virus. Yeah, like a virus. What? You opened it up and it's like, clearly a virus did this. Well, that's what I would say.

Your wife is very trusting. That's what I would say. Well, Pete, you're going to have to give him some advice. Well, I once went onto my friend's computer when we were about 18, 19. He was at university. I'm trying to say this without identifying who he is.

But he was... He's a rather chubby guy, and hilariously, he really likes food. And all of his pornographic choices on his desktop were, like, women getting messy with food. Really? Okay. Fantastic. I mean, that's what you'd expect, though, right?

I know, but what I like about that is it's so on brand. How did you find out? What do you mean? How did you find out about it? Sneaked on his computer. Don't go through people's stuff is what I'm saying. Don't go through people's stuff. I think I once went under my mum and dad's bed.

Come on. What? This is ridiculous, Nick. I picked up a balloon. I think I might have said this on another podcast we were in. But I picked up a balloon and put it to my lips and blew it up. And my mum slapped it out of my mouth and hand. Was it a condom? It was my dad's condom. I literally had my dad's put it to my lips and blew it up. And my mum slapped it out of my mouth and hand. Was it a condom?

It was my dad's condom. I literally had my dad's semen on my lips. And if that isn't some kind of abuse, I don't know what is. That's dark, isn't it? That's horrible. Anyway, it's one of these features where you look out for other people's problems and you somehow learn more about yourself. Luke, I've got an email.

Go on. For you, sunshine. I'm not sure we're ever going to recover after that. What I would say, for a new show that we've launched, this is episode two, we've launched a new show, and we've gone quite big here, haven't we? We're a lot of people that spread the word about this show. Yeah. The standout thing is going to be that, and they're going to say, people are going to

say, what's it about? One of them talks about blowing up his dad's condom. There's an email about a dragon fucking a horse. I mean, what are we doing? I mean, what I would say is that everyone's listening to my voice now coming from the lips betwixt my... Stop mentioning it. Dear Pete and Luke. Thank you.

I work in a small office. This is from Laura in Birmingham. I work in a small office with a single toilet used by both guys and girls. About a year ago, someone, presumably a guy, started leaving quite simply enormous poos in there and not flushing. I mean, this problem has happened in every office I've worked in and I think it might be me.

No, it doesn't happen. Once I've done it, I'm out of there. It happens in every office, it does. Apparently, every office over, I think, 50 or 60 people, at some point in the lifetime of a company, someone will smear shit on the walls. And that's like a kind of psychological thing, like a study that once your company gets over a certain size,

at some point, someone will do a dirty protest in the toilet. OK, well, listen, that doesn't surprise me. I'll tell you why. Because I am the demon smearer. You're in a room with one now. No, because when I worked at a company a while back and there was a Christmas party at a venue not far from the office itself. Right.

And a guy, I mean, presumably it was a guy, I don't think it was ever found out who it was, staggered back and was obviously hugely drunk and didn't think they could get home. And I think they thought, well, my passport will still work in the office. I'm just going to go sleep on one of the sofas. And to be fair, in the past, I've been there when the grads,

the young kids on the grad programme, I've come in the office in the morning and one of them's been asleep on the sofa with a scarf around his eyes because of the motion-sensing lights. The very time he moved, the light would come on. So he had a scarf around his eyes. It looked like he'd been tortured all night or something.

Anyway, so this guy, I presume it was a guy clearly thought I can't make it home I'm just going to sleep in the office and apparently he was found in the stairwell trousers down his ankles with everywhere so I mean it does go on I do worry for people who can't keep their

ablutions to themselves when they're drunk I've always been quite good at that that's a bit rich depends on what I've been been, I've always been quite good at that. That's a bit rich. Carry on, carry on. Depends on what I've been eating, mate. So, this person's been living in almost poos and not flushing. It's almost as if he was proud of them. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to send an email around the office

asking whoever it was to please stop as it was disgusting and unnecessary. Someone replied, implying that this was just a cover-up and it was in fact me doing the poos. Oh yeah, that's a problem that could backfire. Since then, my nickname at work has been The Logger. Yeah, that's not good. Nice. At an office party event the other day,

someone even called at me in front of my boyfriend. When we got home and he asked me what it meant, I had to tell him I once wore a lumberjack-style shirt on my way there. Shut up, man, that's amazing. How can I put a stop to people thinking I do the poos? They genuinely do think this. You're going to have to get a new job. It's as simple as that., man. That's amazing. How can I put a stop to people thinking I do the poos? They genuinely do think this. You're going to have

to get a new job. It's as simple as that. Just leave. Leave the company. It doesn't mention what job she's got, no? No. She needs to get a new job.

There's not even any clues, to be honest. Once it's gone, once that's gone, it's gone. Nothing to do about it. You can't get out of there. Absolutely nothing to do about it.

I promise you, this is true as well. I worked at a company where there were so many men working there that the toilet situation was just ridiculous. You could never get into the toilet. It was just too busy.

And so what they did is they... And there were so few women working there, the women's toilets were never used. So they converted the women's toilet on one of the floors to a men's toilet. And literally all they did was they just took the female salon off the door and put a male salon on there. And clearly, in theory

that's fine. But what then happened was because it was an international company and there was officers all over the world when people would come for meetings for a period of time, if women had come for meetings regularly they would automatically think, oh that's the toilet. They kept going in there. Obviously there was only cubicles because it was a female toilet. If, that's the toilet. Yeah. They kept going in there.

Right, okay. So the amount of time, obviously there was only cubicles because it was a female toilet. If there's a tampon, Ben, I'm going in there. Yeah, quite. And so every time you,

sometimes, it went for a phase of a couple of months, every time you came out of the toilet, there'd be like a woman in there washing her hands. And you'd be like, okay, right, what's a unisex toilet now?

And obviously, for me it's fine, but they're looking at another man and they're going, what are you doing in there? This isn't Ally McBeal. Exactly, what's happening here?

So listen, I think actually, I'd like to hear more from people about toilet-based issues in offices. Really? Have we not had enough? My interest has been piqued. My appetite has been whetted. But what I'll say to Laura is, you're going to have to get a new job.

There's nothing else you can do. I was accused. I wasn't really accused. Or find the culprit. There you go. What? Install cameras? That's illegal. Do a Chuck Berry. Do find the culprit. There you go. What? Install cameras? That's illegal.

Do a Chuck Berry. Do a Chuck Berry. Put cameras in there. Nobody talked about that when he filmed women in his restaurants. Yeah, but you can't say that when he's died. Do an obituary or don't. Do you know what I mean?

Well, you can put that in the obituary. Yeah. P.S. He was the inventor of rock and roll. P.S. He did film women's vaginas Without them asking Without them asking Chuck Berry will you film my vagina No one's going to say that

What were you going to say I was at work once And somebody had left Toenails in the radio studio That I worked in And they sent a big email around going Stop clipping your toenails. And everyone thought it was me.

Or at least two people did. I can see why, because you are quite eccentric. That's not eccentric, that's disgusting. It's the sort of thing an eccentric would do. Isn't it? Do you collect yours after you clip them? Say again, do I what? Do you collect them after you clip them?

I'm usually outside, mate. Oh, come on. I stick my feet out the window. You're still homeless? Clip away. The bush shall know no crimes and tells no tales. If you want to get in touch with some more of that sort of stuff, hopefully keep it a little bit more tasteful than that.

We should have known. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com for all your correspondence. We brought it upon ourselves. We did. Let there be justice for all. Let there be justice for all. Let there be peace for all. It's one small step for man. You don't understand.

Willie was a salesman. Say simply, very simply, with hope. Good morning. Right, Luke, so it's time to induct more nonsense into the fictional 90s CD-ROM we are calling Mencarta. It's not nonsense, it's the best stuff. It's the best stuff, it's the cream of the crop. The idea of this, if you missed the first episode,

is that there's too much rubbish on the internet now, and Wikipedia's got absolutely no quality control. No. So we're only... I'm in there. What, quite? My name forwards onto something else annoyingly. Fair enough, it's the best I'm ever going to get.

So we're going to have a little bit more quality control on our stuff in our encyclopedia Mencarta we're only inducting things in that we think truly deserve it

is that fair? yeah stuff that's sexier than the Thai king in a sports bra you like him don't you he's always knocking about I'm obsessed

with that man he's a very modern royal isn't he in that he's got loads of fake tattoos and he wears a sports bra around Germany. Yes.

Not only that, people go, oh, this is a bit of an anomaly and Facebook had to remove all the references to his royal highness in his royal sports bra with his missus.

Not only that, there's other pictures of him in a different sports bra. So it wasn't like when they saw Tom Huddleston in an i love uh singer swift yeah i was thinking of the midfield player sorry sorry tom hiddleston it's

tom hiddleston sorry tom hiddleston uh tom hiddleston when he was spotted on holiday with taylor swift with the i love taylor swift t-shirt yeah like that happened once it was like a frivolous i think they found a t-shirt they had a bit of a laugh about it paparazzi's caught on and he just and everyone's gone what the fuck is that about? But with the Thai King he's been seen in more than one sports bra so he clearly loves it. Yeah I think

He's in good nick. Is this who you were inducted into the Men's Castles? No no no not this week. Because you did mention to me a couple of days

you sent me a photo of him in a McDonald's or something. Yes! I love him. You don't imagine a member of the Royal Family going to McDonald's do you?

No. No. Not in a bra. So who have you got this time? Do family going to McDonald's, do you? No, no. Not in a bra. So who have you got this time? Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first? You better go first. Okay, alright. So this is my nomination

this week for Men Carter. I bring to you, sir, and all the listeners at home, Mike the Headless Chicken. Heard about this? Right, no. Okay, right. So a bit of a history.

Well, we've had a bird theme and we have a bit of a history theme. We've had a bird in your house. With the rations and stuff. So this is a bit of a history. Well, we've had a bird theme. We've had a bit of a history theme, haven't we? We've had a bird in your house. With the rations and stuff. So this is a bit of both mixed together. It's worked perfectly, you might say. It's almost like it was planned. I want to take you back to April 20th, 1945,

the day Adolf Hitler ventured out of his bunker, on his birthday, no less, for the last time. Lots was going on. The death throes of World War II, of course, which would eventually end in Europe on May the 8th. Enter Mike the Headless Chicken, who, until this day, was obviously not headless. He was very much headed,

if you like. Just Mike the Chicken, then. Yeah, Mike the Chicken. Have you got a head? Yeah. Why are you asking that? What's going to happen? Have you got an ulcer? What would you mean? So, this is a place called, I think it's pronounced Frita in Colorado in 1945. Lloyd Olsen was asked by his wife to go out back and kill a chicken for dinner. I presume

he had some farm in this area. They kept chickens, farm, that sort of stuff. What kind of chicken for the dinner? So Mike grabbed, not Mike, sorry, Mike didn't do it. That'd be mental. Mike grabbed himself. Lloyd grabbed Mike the chicken, swung his axe, and chopped Mike's head off. Okay, now you heard the story about running around like a headless chicken. I don't know if it comes from this, it might well do, I don't know. Well, they can last for quite a while, can't they? Well, listen, you're now on the headless chicken there, because Mike the headless chicken did not die.

He had his head chopped off, and he didn't die, okay? So Mike thought, hang on a minute, he's not dead. Wait a bloody second. He thought, this is a sign, I'm going to keep him. I'm going to look after him. You had one job. Also, not one of your neighbours. He started feeding Mike a mixture of milk and water

via one of those little eyedroppers. Okay, straight down the neck. That is the most disgusting. That's worse than me and my dad's. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's close.

And I would thank you to stop bringing it up. Just a little eyedropper. Just. Yeah. And he would feed single grains of corn down his neck. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is not true. This didn't happen.

Well, it did bloody well happen. He took Mike the Headless Chicken to the University of Utah and said, look at this, right? And the good people there said, okay, let's have a look. We're trying to eradicate consumption. Can you just get out of my face with that fucking affront to God? They've got nothing else on. They just sat around.

No, but what happened was they had a look at Mike and it turned out that Mike had missed, sorry, Lloyd had missed the jugular vein and a clot had prevented the chicken from bleeding to death. So although most of the head was severed, most of the brainstem and one ear were left on the body. So basic functions in a chicken are controlled of the brainstem and one ear were left on the body. So basic functions in a chicken are controlled by the brainstem,

like breathing, heart rate, and stuff like that. So Mike was basically relatively healthy, could do all the stuff that chickens could do. He just had to be fed. Oh, love. So to be fair to Lloyd Olsen, the guy who did it, he then got Mike into the sideshow circuit.

Why didn't he get rid of his remaining ear? That chicken doesn't need that. I think ears in chickens are very small. I don't think it was of consequence. But he took Mike on these sideshow tours, and apparently the height of his fame in that area in the US, it's in the 40s. Yeah, not a lot going on.

He was earning the equivalent of $48,000 a month. Bloody hell. From the headless chicken fast forward 18 months and I imagine Mike was very much part of the family by that point

sadly a grain of corn got stuck in his throat stop eating grains of corn then he died he died choked to death

but his memory lives on Mike the headless chicken is a very well known sort of phenomena phenomenon in that particular part of Colorado they have an annual Mike the Headless Chicken is a very well-known sort of phenomenon in that particular part of Colorado. They have an annual Mike the Headless Chicken Day and they have different events and stuff like that.

They do lots of different things like an egg toss and pin the head on the chicken and all that sort of stuff. Try and remove the brainstem of a chicken. So he might well be the godfather of running around like a headless chicken type thing. I know that they do that anyway, but I think generally speaking they do drop down dead fairly quickly something like last 18 months yeah so i want to bring mike the headless chicken into men carter because it is a truly horrific it's horrific horrific but it's a magnificent story had you heard of him at all

before i said that i i think i might have i get most of my information for the boing boing.net website so i might have heard of that before but I don't remember the sideshow circuit. I don't remember feeding bits of corn down its... You don't like that, do you? ...godless neck. You don't like that? I don't like the idea of this flabby, sort of flappy neck. And the particular breed, if you look at the photos,

the particular breed of chicken it was, it was quite a big, flamboyant chicken. Oh, look at me! I've got no head. But it's got quite a big, impressive plumage and a wattle. You off, mate? Well, that sort of stuff. I suppose wattles are on turkeys, but you know what I mean got no head. But it's got quite a big, impressive plumage and a wattle. You're off, mate. Well, that sort of stuff. I suppose wattles are on turkeys, but you know what I mean.

So anyway, that's it. Motley Head, there's chicken. Magic. A metaphor for this show, if ever there was one. What have you got? I've got something, Luke, called Railway Madness. OK. Which was reported in Britain back in the day.

Apparently during the 1850s and 60s, there were reports of train madness. Right. Basically, men, and mainly men, going insane when trains are in motion. What? Well, they're on the train? They're on the train. There was just a spate of random attacks

on fellow passengers from guys who experienced the jarring motion of the trains, coupled with insanely loud noises. Obviously, it was very loud back then. There was no kind of insulation. So it would trigger people to go ranting and raving and attacking people. So basically, people would just go insane on the trains because they'd never experienced anything like that before, I guess.

This is not like these mythical things like fan death and all that sort of stuff. It did actually happen. Yeah, so one Scottish aristocrat was reported to have ditched his clothes aboard a train before, leaning out the window, ranting and raving. After he left the train, he suddenly recovered his composure. He's just excited. He's just excited to be on a train, isn't the window ranting and raving after he left the train he suddenly recovered his composure he's just excited he's just excited

to be on a train isn't he it's a new thing back then that's crazy isn't it I mean it's incredible really I mean absolutely unspeakable I mean insert obvious joke about anyone who's taken a southern rail train

yeah exactly in 2016 I'd be surprised if nobody got involved recently but there were some wonderful sort of depictions there used to be

a newspaper called the Illustrated Police News, which would draw pictures of crimes that had taken place that month. There's some fantastic, it's worth a Google, depictions of ruffianism, as they would call it. Ruffianism in a railway carriage. Basically just blocks and big old stuff, perhaps chitting each other. So, yeah, just well-dressed guys fighting. Are you the sort of guy who gets excited by trains? I've been on trains with you a number of times.

In my memory, you're asleep a lot of the time. I do. I'm quite good at sleeping on trains and planes. I think it might let you as I might get into planes a bit. We went on a train journey once. Yeah, I've got a few friends who are into planes. And do you know what? That Flightradar website now is a fascinating thing.

You can see them everywhere. Did you see that advert that was on Piccadilly Circus that had a little boy sitting down playing with his toys and then he suddenly stands up

and walks across pointing at the sky walks across the frame right and he's pointing at the BA flight that's from Heathrow flying across the sky

so it's all synced up so it's all synced up to where that plane is in the sky and the kid's pointing at it that's brilliant and it basically says

underneath the kid that's the BA to I don't know honolulu or wherever the hell it's literally advertising it to terrorists showing them exactly where to go yeah i'm a shot yeah that's unbelievable but i was just gonna say on the train thing the most recent time i took a train with you um you got grumpy because we were being noisy not in a sort sort of bawdy way, but I guess you were just tired. So you walked down a couple of carriages along and got your head down. Yeah. And then I and one of us had to go on and physically grab you from the train, otherwise you would have missed a stop

and you'd have gone all the way to Glasgow or whatever it is. Yeah. Do you remember that? I do, kind of, yeah. So you're not a man to get excited by trains. No. I've got this wonderful, I use a suit roll quite a lot to transport my suits around,

and my many suits. Transport my suits around. My important suits. And if I've got two seats, I can basically make myself an L-shaped sofa if I manipulate the suit roll in such a way that I use the suit roll as a head kind of cushion. That's the problem with me.

I'm obviously 6'3". Yeah, you can't get comfortable anywhere. No, the amount of ridiculous advice I get from my 5'1 wife when we go on play. She's like, well, what I do is I just pull this up and I bring a blanket over me

and it's like a little sit-up bed. It's like, yeah, 5'1", a hundred pounds. Do you remember when we went on the book tour for that book we put out about football and the company who we released it with, they booked us a sleeper train

from Glasgow to... It never stops hurting, Luke. No. Still annoyed about it. From Glasgow to London and I basically said, I'm going to get my head down, can you get me the sleeper train

back to London? So we both got on the sleeper train. But you didn't get on the sleeper train. Well, as in, they booked us tickets to the sleeper train. Except, they didn't book us on the sleeper with the beds.

No. They booked us on a chair in the sleeper train to save money. Can I just say, I think it might have been an honest mistake, but can I just say that, obviously, fast forward to what actually happened. You didn't go on the train. No. You had a massive tantrum about it. A flounce. I had a flounce.

Yeah, and you went on the Megabus or something. Which is worse, by the way. Is it fair to say that I'm usually all right with travelling. I just, for like, what is it, ten hours? I'm not having that. Rubbish. Well, no, what I would say is it's fantastic because you didn't turn up and obviously you were put to sleep next to me,

so I had two big seats to myself. Still didn't get a wink of sleep. I slept most of the way because I had a big double bed on the megabus. Imagine if you were on the sleeper train carriage and the railway madness would happen. People ranting around you, trying to kill you. Luke, what I would say is that I had two muffins as well on that Megabus. I recommend the Megabus. They give you free ones.

Free bottles of water and muffins. According to the Scotsman at the time, people would carry weapons on the trains back in the day to prevent railway madness. back in the day, to prevent railway madness. And the 1864 Railway Bylaws Act stipulated that so-called insane persons should be isolated in their own carriage. Yeah. Only fair. That's the minimum I expect.

In my mind, I'm thinking of David Niven again when he's in Around the World in 80 Days. Have you seen that? Playing cards on that train going across the US and they get jumped on by a bunch of... Hoodlums. A bunch of American Indians Native Americans

who are obviously played by actors who aren't Native Americans because it was like the 40s yeah not much excuse for the lad

from Short Circuit who's actually not even Pakistani or wherever the hell he was from oh yeah I remember that they ground him up

that was in the 80s incredible but in that scene from memory in that scene in Around the World in 80 Days he has a bit of a set-to with an American cowboy,

and they're about to have one of those when you go back-to-back and do two pieces of the shoot, and as they're about to do it, the Native Americans jump on the train and try and grab him. So it reminds me of that. I mean, so back in those days, I mean, guns were all over the place. I know I'm talking about completely different continents. Well, apparently some companies installed, like, the windows in carriages, and they were called, Guess what they were called right

After a man Franz Muller performed the first train based murder He just murdered someone in a You know they had those little kind of Sort of portioned off partitions A portion partition Like a little kind of thing where you have like four seats A man Franz Muller killed someone On a train

Guess what the little windows were called? Muller windows Muller's lights Oh really? Muller's lights How good is that? That's great, really good So that rice pudding dish is, well

Well that's a Muller rice, I mean a yoghurt Alright, Muller light then A light milky yoghurt is named after a murderer's window One thing I will say about the sleeper train from Glasgow to London Is that in the particular cabin I was booked in It's the only time I will say about the sleeper train from Glasgow to London is that in the particular cabin I was booked in, it's the only time I've been on a sleeper train, if you're booked into a cabin, you get the bar,

you get like a nice bar and a little mini restaurant type thing and they serve you proper sit-down meals. It looks amazing. But if you're in the little seats bit, the coach bit, I guess they call it. I don't know what it's called, but it's like you just get a seat,

as we were just talking about. You get a tiny little bit of the bar which doubles up on the other side of the door, on your side of the door. It's a little almost like, you know, like when you go to a non-league football match and you get a little canteen, like Meals on Wheels type, a burger van type thing. And you can have all the food they have in the nice bit. But it's just an FU to what you've...

They give it to you in polystyrene things, and they give you the wine in little plastic things, and you can see them through the glass. And you can see them just dabbing their mouths with their napkins as they go off to bed after their nightcap, and you're just sat in this horrendous seat. Fantastic. It's the worst experience in British travel, I'm telling you.

Do you want me to give you another Menkaure suggestion before we go? We've got time. All right. Three in one week, what's this about? I know, but this is a fantastic one Have you heard of a documentary movie called Kasparov and the Machine? No I think in some places it might be called Game Over Kasparov and the Machine Game Over Kasparov and the Machine?

Let me guess, Garry Kasparov Having a set two Influence of the Machine No, basically It's a documentary about Garry Kasparov who was at the time the best chess player

of all time although I believe he's since been usurped by Magnus Carlsen the Scandinavian kid who's like a phenomenon he's like the guy who

he's a model as well yeah he models for like G-Star or G-Roll whatever it's called yeah yeah so but until that point because it's like an international rating system

right Garry Kasparov was the was the was the best player ever. And the documentary was about his much-publicised battle against IBM's deep blue supercomputer. I thought you were going to say IBS. No. A winging documentary.

Sorry, I've got to hit that clock. I need a shit. Someone get me a Ramadiel. Don't put your Ramadiels on the board, mate. It's not a pawn. And in the end end he just takes a lot of Buscapin No against the IBM's deeply super computer It's like It's a fascinating documentary because it's a best of seven game

Right And it's essentially built up as this man versus machine type affair Well bearing in mind that chess is all about remembering moves It's like remembering kind of manoeuvres and situations, isn't it? And obviously a computer, it's perfect for that kind of thing.

Well, the point about this documentary is that Garry Gaspar wins the first match quite easily. Right. And the thing is, they go back, all the guys

programming these computers, these 90s computers, things like Bill Gates, like five different Bill Gates, and then one chess player. And they go back. I think, is it Deep Blue, do you say? Yeah. I Bill Gates and then one chess player and they go back.

I think, is it Deep Blue, do you say? Yeah. I think it's the one that's in like a circle. It's like a big server but it's in a big circle. Yeah,

you do get to see it at one point. But anyway, so the great part of the doc is that they go back, I won't spoil it if people don't want

to watch it, but game two, Garry Kasparov goes crazy because the computer wins and he maintains the computer's playing moves that a computer would never play because the computer wins and he maintains the computer's playing moves that a computer would never play because the computer's

completely logical. Right, okay. So what he was trying to do was basically train himself to play against a completely logical opponent. Right, okay. But then the computer

apparently makes a couple of moves that were completely illogical that it would never move and he starts saying you've got like other chess players telling that computer what to do. Right. I want to see all the logs, all the algorithms from the computer.

I mean, presumably, how do you decipher that? What he's saying is, if I play against another grandmaster, I've got a record of all their old games. Yeah. But you won't let me see anything from this computer. But anyway, the whole point is, it's a completely fascinating... He beats it to death with a bat. Yeah.

He just fucks it up. He just chucks out the window and knocks the king over. He says, checkmate. And, no, no, it's a really interesting battle. It's like man versus machine. It's sort of the prism of chess, if you like. And I won't give too much away, but that is a fascinating documentary.

Well worth a watch and well worth... I mean, I've seen some mixed reviews of it, actually, but I thought it was brilliant. Well worth an induction into a, Carter, as well. And it would fit, right? Because we need an IBM supercomputer to power the thing, anyway. Yeah, okay, so Deep Blue gets into there just by default, really. Not Deep Blue, because that computer's a shit.

The documentary itself. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, okay. Oh, no, it isn't you, Katie. It's Pete. You're too soft-hearted with that boy. Well, sadly, Peter, and sadly for everyone listening, I hope, that is just about all we've got time for this week. But don't forget, the Luke and Pete show is out every Monday throughout the summer.

Yes. So do look out for that. Subscribe on iTunes and check us out at lukeandpete.com. Yeah, give us some reviews and stuff. Apparently that helps with the whole chart and stuff like that. Yeah, share the word, spread it around. We're on Twitter and Instagram as well, so that's worth a look. And we will see you at roughly the same time next week.

And don't forget to get your correspondence in for Agony Uncles and for anything else you want to get in touch with. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. Say goodbye, Peter. Goodbye, Peter. And goodbye from me. And if you are listening on a train, watch out for the insane people. And the headless chicken. And the headless chicken.

The insane headless chicken. I love you.