The Luke and Pete Show - Episode 79: Johnny Eggs
Episode Date: July 9, 2018We think it's episode 79, but we're not sure, and Pete is still sunburnt. It's his own fault. It's sent him a bit mad, and one minute we're discussing new show ideas, and the next we're talking about ...bringing a different animal into the studio every week. Heady stuff.On today's show we solve the great Cadbury's discontinued chocolate bar riddle, find out about eggs that haven't had a shell formed around them, waste pipes, Two Fat Ladies, and a horrible shit who almost blew up his entire school. It wasn't big, but it was actually quite clever in a way.Participate: hello@lukeandpeteshow.com***Please take the time to rate and review us on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Rise.
All right.
Rise.
Doesn't he say that in Star Wars?
He says rise.
Rise.
Rise Lord Vader.
Yeah, doesn't he?
I don't know, to be honest.
I've been giving away, on the radio,
I've been giving away tickets to Rise Festival.
So I've been saying rise.
But now I kind of realise that maybe my rise
doesn't even make any sense.
Welcome to the Luke of Peachtree.
Well, you have the chance to win
Rise Festival tickets in Chelmsford.
You don't.
Featuring Noel Gallagher, Rag and Born Man, James Bay, anyone?
We don't give away any prizes on this show.
Do you want to know why?
Oh, is our show not enough?
Yeah.
For free, you dickheads.
Yeah.
Is work rate a reason?
Because we're putting it in over here.
We are putting it in.
You shouldn't be putting it in.
How have you been, Luke Moore? You had a good week? We've been kind of seeing a lot of each other because the worldie yeah you're the sort of person peter you are the sort of man who doesn't like
spending more than like a couple of hours in anyone's company and we've established that we've
been through that on the show and i won't repeat it at the risk of boring all our listeners so i
imagine this period of time we've done so many
shows because of the world cup because of this because of that and because of the other that
you're finding it very tough to the point of where you almost sabotaged your own body by falling
asleep on purpose in high park and giving yourself and i make no bones about this the most horrific
sunburn i've seen in the uk ever. Five words for you, Luke.
I have my own friends and I...
I'll just check that.
He's drifting off.
I did it under the table with my hands so you wouldn't see.
Yeah, I did fall asleep on a deck chair and give myself horrific burns.
And where were your friends then?
They were next to me.
Yeah, I thought I'll tear my top off
get a bit of sun
and the problem is
I'd kind of got a bit
of sun the weekend
before and I'd started
peeling in a very
specific part of my
body
the sternum
the sternum
the solar plexus
the solar plexus
and the sun
attacked it rather
heavily and
I'm in all kinds of
trouble this week
to be honest
it's gone all scabby
it went all blistery
then it went all scabby
we've talked a bit about sun before but you're still suffering so I haven't been able to hug anyone all weekend and I'm a double this week, to be honest. It's gone all scabby. It went all blistery, then it went all scabby. We've talked a bit about some before, but you're still suffering.
I haven't been able to hug anyone all weekend, and I'm a hugger.
Who knows I'm a hugger?
You're a hugger, not a fighter.
Now, listen, we have another...
Regular listeners to the show will realise this is an issue
that rears its considerably uglier head than normal.
Like a bad poo.
Yeah, exactly.
It is the thorny issue of
what episode number we're fucking on.
Well, somebody...
You don't want to be...
So you've washed your hands of it.
So you won't have any contribution
to the episode number issue.
No, but I did not.
Because you didn't want them
to be numbered in the first place.
I didn't.
That was a year ago,
but you're sticking with it.
I noticed, yeah,
apathy goes a long way.
True.
I think...
Yeah, I think it's 70...
I think we're on 73 now,
because I know for a fact that the person who uploads the show,
not me, I'd like to point out,
got the numbers wrong at one point.
Yeah, you're insane.
We're on 79 now.
Are we?
Yeah.
I believe we're on 79.
I misnumbered two as 76.
Right.
But I think I've got us back in sync now,
and I'm fairly certain this is 79. Regardless, But I think I've got us back in sync now and I'm fairly certain
this is 79.
Regardless,
it doesn't actually matter.
Well, we didn't make a point
of the 69 one
so I'm very disappointed at that.
We could have done
a sex special.
No, that was when you
bought your first real
six string, wasn't it?
At the five and nine.
Yeah.
Listen, previously
on the Luke and Pete show,
which it doesn't matter
what number it is.
It doesn't matter.
It looks uniform on the iTunes
or wherever you get your products.
That's all I care about.
Previously, we talked about
a beer flood in the 19th century.
Do you want to hear
a little previously thing?
Okay.
Last time on Dragon Ball Z.
We talked about Sunburn,
something we've done again today.
Fighting in PE class,
inclusive of teachers.
Yes.
I don't remember that much.
The teacher headbutted,
the PE teacher headbutted a child
and then was never seen again
that's right yeah
maybe he just got a taste for it
and just decided to
headbutt all the children in the world
yeah
a mystery child headbutter
and then headbutt the headteacher
yeah
then headbutt the police officer
it's like the video game school days
then headbutt the judge
we also talked a bit about bungee jumping
because you did one
did one yeah
bungee jumping
jumped off the thing
and that old favourite
something there for everyone
Christopher Lambert
being legally blind
oh yeah
he's always hurting himself
with swords and stuff
he is
this week around
I
this time around
this week around
this week around
sounds like a Green Day song
I watched
so I've got this thing
and I know you're going to hate this
but just work with me
go with me
when
because we're in this
weird sort of hinterland
where there's just always
football on TV at the moment
I'm not really watching
anything at all
other than football
right
so what I've taken to doing
in the group stage
there was like half an hour
between each game
or whatever
before the coverage
started again
and now it's a bit longer
God knows what I'm going
to do next week
but anyway
I'll take each day
at a time
but I've gone to the Sky Planner pretty one match a day. I'll take each day at a time.
But I've gone to the Sky Planner pretty much every day and just flicked on channel 133, which is the good food channel.
Okay.
It's relaxing, background type stuff.
It's interesting.
I know you hate the sort of fetishisation of food.
Is there any man versus food,
or is this more like a Gordon Ramsay kitchen nightmare?
No, it's actually a bit more gentle than that.
It's more stuff like Rick Stein
and the Hairy Bikers
and that kind of stuff.
I quite like the Hairy Bikers.
So do I.
They seem quite genuine.
So do I.
And anyway,
the other day I flicked on
and I'd completely forgotten
about this
and I was stunned
as to how
mad it is.
Like ridiculous.
Is that show
Two Fat Ladies?
Oh yes.
With Clarissa Dixon-Wright
and Jennifer Patterson.
One of them's passed away.
No, both of them
have passed away.
Oh, have they?
They've all gone.
So we won't speak of the dead.
God rest them and all that.
But the show itself, Pete,
is,
it reminds me of a
even more mad,
but more up-to-date
Keith Floyd.
Yeah, it's,
if you look at those two, somebody...
Stop doing the drinky-drinky motion.
I don't know how that show came to be.
They were big for quite a while, which is quite surprising.
If any American or foreign listeners dip their toe in...
It only ran for four years, that show.
Really?
96 to 99, inclusive.
Right.
They were just two eccentric... Like proper British, really? 96 to 99 inclusive. Yeah.
They were just two eccentric,
like proper British eccentrics, weren't they?
Yeah.
And to give you a bit of meat on the bones,
pun intended,
about why this episode was so mad, right?
So neither of them are presenters.
No.
So they just stand there talking to each other and they are filmed doing so.
Yes.
The food is of the Keith Floyd variety.
It's a bit rich. We haven't even got food to offer people no yeah it's true but listen to this though pete the
episode i saw one of them is making one of them just stands there and cuts out a really bad looking
dog in pastry to put on top of the pie that the other one's making which is basically a load of
venison fried off a bottle of port and pastry on top
and put the little dog on it and put it in the oven.
And get this, this is the kicker.
They don't even finish the show by taking out the oven.
They go to some sort of air display, right?
Talk to a pilot and the show finishes.
They don't even show you the cooked food.
All right, well, maybe that's not the focus.
Clearly isn't.
They're just two doddery old lasses
having a good time.
Get it in the oven
and get these two out of here.
Get them out of my sight.
Get them to an airfield
immediately.
Get them out of my sight.
Did any of them
have any grounding in cooking
or were they just kind of
like good old
like British cooking
that women of a certain age
seem to think they're good at?
Clarissa Dixon Wright's dad
was the surgeon to the royal family.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And Jennifer Patterson, I'm not sure.
I know.
Somebody I know's dad is the royal doctor.
He's quite good.
Following in the footsteps of Mr. Dixon Wright.
He went blind briefly, like Christopher Lambert.
Briefly?
Yeah.
Lambert still blind, right?
Came back eventually
oh guys no actually
having said that
having said that I
don't know about
Jennifer Patterson
but Clarissa Dixon
Wright had an amazing
life right listen to
this as a as a
write-up write-up in
her bio right she's
an English celebrity
chef television
personality writer
businesswoman and
former barrister the
youngest person called
to the bar
at the time uh and it's an accredited cricket umpire and one of only two women ever to become
a guild butcher come on she's fit a lot in i yeah it's one of the things that's like around the
drinking it's like uh two like two people have had who've lived a good life and they're having
a lovely time put them on telly because they are just incredibly good value.
They've seen life.
And if you're listening,
TV producers,
and commissioning editors.
We've done nothing.
I could probably,
no, you've,
I could probably carry us through,
I think.
I could hold it up. Carry us through?
What are you talking about?
I could, you, you.
Boring shit about,
I don't know,
space or rocks.
Yeah.
I'll be going,
let's talk about shit.
Let's talk about human shit and the depths we
can all go to because that's where you find shit about life that's what you find about yourself
when you're covering your own shit that's someone else's that's what you think of yourself the other
day when we had a whatsapp conversation about potential future shows we could do you replied
saying i don't want to do anything about rocks space or animals yeah what's wrong with animals
it's just it's just it's just a bit QI.
It's just a bit BBC.
You know that the aye-aye monkey has big ears
and a little finger to get termites out of holes.
But if I said to you, Pete,
let's do a show where you and I do exactly what we do now
once a week.
We sit in the studio, but here's the X factor.
There's an aye-aye in the room.
Every week, one of us brings a different animal in and we just watch it do stuff. Watch it do. in the studio but here's the here's the X factor there's an aye aye in the room every week
one of us brings
a different animal in
and we just watch it
do stuff
watch it do
yeah but then we're
just describing
think about it
we'll have to paint
pictures
don't answer now
it'll just be us
going
I've got to buy
a new fucking
USB cable
yeah
hello at
lucanpicture.com
if you would like
that to happen
or you would like
to get in touch
with us
for any reason at all
it's a dog whistle for people
who want to mug me off.
Which is everyone.
Isn't this show just that anyway?
We were talking about you being...
I feel like I'm your sidekick on this show,
but you are traditionally.
You've carved out quite the niche for yourself
as an audio-based sidekick.
Is that fair?
It's not really a niche
when you make no money out of it.
Well, I spotted a gap in the market,
but it turned out the market didn't exist.
Yeah, I think so.
Fair enough.
Don't blame yourself for that.
You're a talented chap.
It just doesn't always come across.
Anyway, shall we have a...
Quit getting in my niche, mate.
Shall we have a break and then do some emails?
The emails this week, by the way, are absolutely fantastic.
Well...
She's going to report me for saying bugger, you know.
Oh, just wait till I see your mother. You're in real trouble. Oh, I say, what if she's going to report me for saying bugger, you know. Oh, just wait till I see your mother.
You're in real trouble.
Oh, I say, what if she's going to go and see you?
Then tell her this bugger-shaped fuck-shaped fucking sphincter.
Is that Brian Blessett?
Yeah.
Excellent.
Fucking sphincter.
That is absolutely outrageous.
Yeah.
It is true, though.
If somebody says they're going to tell on you for doing one thing,
you may as well do it a bit more.
Are you all right over there?
Yeah, I just spilled some water on myself.
You didn't just spill water.
It went on my leg.
Did it?
It went on the eye I brought in the studio's head.
Listen, you're a psychic.
Feel weird for a second.
Well, it's exactly the psychics don't have to do that.
The best thing about being a psychic is you don't have any responsibilities.
You can just turn up, just waffle on when you can,
and the other person has to kind of take it to the break
or take it to some music.
It's brilliant.
Yeah.
Love being a sidekick.
I've dried off now.
Emails time.
So, Pete, what do you want to start with?
I've got man obsesses over gadgets.
I've got a welcome return to egg chat.
I've got man damages balls on bollard.
I've got men take arduous journey.
And I've got man saves balls with burrito. A I've got Man Saves Balls with Burrito.
A lot of balls trapped this week.
I know, a couple of balls in there.
Well, let's save the balls trapped to the ball section.
Gadgets, you probably want, don't you?
Let's have egg chat.
Oh, egg chat, okay.
Egg chat, please.
All right, I'll start off with some egg chat.
This is from Rick, who is in Lancashire.
Ricky!
You might quite like this.
He says, I'm a recent subscriber working my way through the episodes.
I'm up to episode 50 and it's been some time since long eggs were last mentioned.
That was my favourite bit of the podcast other than the poo bread.
What was poo bread?
Was that the joke needing a poo or something?
No, it was that guy who was going around wiping the bread on the toilet seat and eating it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He says, I thought you and your listeners might like to know
that I have some awful memories from when I worked at a battery hen farm
in Southport in the late 1980s.
What a depressing sentence.
Can you imagine?
What a depressing sentence.
They used to be in the work bank in Leicester,
which is a university-sponsored or certainly mandated kind of temp agency
on campus.
I got a few alright jobs on there
mainly factory work
but there were some good ones.
One of the jobs
that you would occasionally
come up with
was a chicken
rendering plant or whatever
and that was the worst job
you could possibly do
but you made really good money doing it.
Did you do it?
No, I didn't do it
but a couple of friends did.
Well, Rick was on 90p an hour Saturday and Sunday
as he was still at school.
He says, the stench was awful.
Thousands and thousands of chickens in small wire cages
in huge sheds on stilts.
Awful.
The shit would fall through the wire into the area below the shed,
but the wire floor would catch the eggs,
and they'd roll into a tray to be collected by my colleagues and I.
So far, so horrific, but straightforward.
But Rick goes on to say,
What sticks in my mind most isn't the appalling conditions,
it was the phenomenon which we called Johnny Eggs.
Johnny Eggs.
Where hens would frequently lay eggs which didn't have a hard shell.
It was like a yolk and albumen in a condom, hence the name Johnny Egg.
They were quite dry
and not unpleasant to touch, but just looked badly
wrong. Something I wouldn't dream of eating.
Such eggs were not placed in trays
like the others. They would be placed in buckets.
The soft Johnny skins were quite durable
and a bucket would be filled most days.
Oh no, that's horrible.
Well, there was a kitchen on the egg farm
and one day I was working in the kitchen when I
asked what happened to the Johnny Eggs. I was disgusted to find out they were blended
with the skin still on and sold to a local cake shop.
That's...
Now, this cake shop was long gone,
but it was very popular,
and they put these Johnny Eggs into their cakes.
I was about 15 at the time,
and I regularly had been treated to cakes
from this establishment,
so must have consumed hundreds of Johnny Eggs
over the years.
Please find attached a picture of a Johnny Egg Johnny Eggs over the years. Please find attached
a picture of a Johnny Egg
I found on the internet.
You guys can use
your imagination.
It looks exactly
as you'd imagine.
He says,
thanks for taking the time
to read it.
Rick, now in Lancashire
and no longer working
at an egg farm.
Just relentlessly sorry
because the thing with eggs
is you can clean an egg
or you don't.
You crack an egg
and it kind of,
you know,
but the Johnny Egg
blending the,
which I presume
without the hard kind of, you know, but the Johnny egg blending the, um, which I presume without
the, um, hard kind of protein on the outside, you just got the inner bit, like the soft
kind of whitey sort of stuff.
And it's just, yeah.
How does that rank alongside a long egg for you?
Um, long eggs are weirdly more appetizing.
I don't really get, I still don't understand how a long egg is made.
Well, the man who we, when we started the Little Peter Show talking about a man
who was obsessed with making a long egg,
which is basically a normal egg, a boiled egg, but extruded.
So you get like a big sausage, a white outer layer,
and then the yellow yolk in the middle.
It's a mystery to me.
It's very mysterious, but this man has spent ages trying to make it.
A not confident food presenter, let's say.
Yeah, yeah.
Slash blogger.
Vlogger, if you will.
But he gets more and more confident as he goes through,
which I really like,
but he's still very charmingly nervous,
and he makes this long egg with what he readily admits
is a waste pipe.
He uses a waste pipe to,
presumably never used in a plumbing situation, but still.
None of this is particularly savoury, is it?
No, it's not, is it?
Why don't you do an email now, Peter?
But the long scotch eggy made once was very savoury,
has to be said.
Definitely.
Speaking of waste pipes,
I want to say a big hello to...
Who have we got here?
Who have we got here?
Can you fill for a second while I find the...
Yeah, do you want me to give you a quick update
about Cadbury's chocolate bar update?
Secrets! Yes. Well, you've just done it, so you don't need me to give you a quick update about Cadbury's chocolate bar update secrets yes
well you've just
done it so you
didn't need me to
well we got so
many messages about
this
the chocolate bar
that I was trying
to think of
which was like a
nest with a
kind of mallow
centre
Cadbury's secret
thanks to you
and Simon
and many others
who got in touch
with the secret
info
Ian
I'll read his
email just randomly
he said I believe
the chocolate nest
with marshmallow
filling bar you were talking about
was the secret. Picture attached. I actually
sent Cadbury's an email about it.
Saying, look, are there any plans to bring
it back? P.S. Can I please have a
look around your studio?
Actually, factory, sorry.
And they said,
hi, thanks for contacting us.
We receive a large number of requests
seeking tours of our facilities.
I'm sure you can appreciate
as a food manufacturer
we are limited regarding such visits.
Unfortunately, we are unable
to support your request
for a site visit this time.
I'm sorry we are unable
to respond more positively.
Thanks again.
I didn't even cover the secret issue.
I mean, you're clearly on a blacklist.
It's not a no, is it?
It's not a no.
You're clearly on a food manufacturer's blacklist.
Do not let this man
in the factory
because he will jump
in the pipes
like Augustus Gloop.
Normally I don't
call ahead,
just turn up.
You just appear
through a waste pipe.
Hello.
Right, this one
comes from Sam
speaking of waste pipes
and that's how
I introduced this.
He's been listening
to the entire
Register Corner
portfolio.
Thank you for that.
And also, recently rated multiple shows on iTunes after about eight years.
Thanks for the memory.
So, yeah, get involved.
Review us on iTunes.
It really does help.
Don't take eight years to review us.
Review us straight away and give us five.
Review us now, for crying out loud, and give us five.
And remember what your mum used to say.
If you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything.
I have a school story.
Good.
I'm sorry if this is a bit long, like an egg.
I added that bit.
Sodium, school, explosion.
I went to Quilly School in Hampshire, Eastleigh.
It was our final year, and my peers and myself were a particularly brutal group of students.
And you really are, mate.
I mean, you seem to have no conscience.
Is this bad, is it?
In a science lesson prior to our final GCSE exams,
our teacher decided it was important to touch
on the subject of sodium.
I don't know all the details
about what sodium is,
or what sodium it was, rather,
but it was in block format
stored in oil.
Do you remember those?
Yeah.
Do you remember sodium
was always like that
silvery sodium
was always stored in oil,
like a really yellowy oil?
Presumably because it reacts
with air and water and stuff.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It fucks you up.
The reason he doesn't know
what sodium does now
is because I can tell already
he's clearly the sort of student
who didn't listen.
Our little cabal decided
we would acquire
some of the said sodium
for a little after-lesson experiment.
Good.
Thinking on your fate.
The lesson finished.
We had three blocks of sodium
and it was the end of the school day.
We bundled en masse
to the toilets on the ground floor
and we dished out
these improvised explosives
to each faction member
and my pal made the first move.
The first chunk was just thrown into the toilet and not a lot happened initially we peered into
the toilet and there was an almighty explosion and smoke began to below bellow from the pan
hysterically laughing we made a move for the next two lavatories my friend throwing the next chunk
into his bog and me with the largest chunk about the size of your palm good god throwing it into
the porcelain and flushing this dangerous substance to travel through the water network.
There was an astronomical bang.
The second toilet lost its toilet seat.
My toilet, the one of which I flushed, quite literally
exploded. Porcelain cracked. The soil
pipe split. Smoke filled in the mail ground
floor toilet. And with water everywhere, the crowd
that had gathered were in total shock. I mean, that's gone too
far, Pete. It's gone way too far now.
They couldn't have known what was going to happen,
but I think they had a pretty good idea.
We split while cackling like a bunch of old witches.
The crowd that gathered were in total shock.
We didn't give it much thought in the evening that followed for it wasn't
clear to us the scale of what we had done.
We returned to school the next day,
toilets on lockdown.
We knew for sure that a new toilet was required,
but it was clearly something of greater magnitude.
We entered our tutor group room to be met by the head teacher,
a fireman, a policeman, a chemicals expert,
our science teacher,
and the feeling that we'd really dropped a bollock this time.
Wow, now that has gone way too far.
I'd be absolutely shitting myself.
Ironically, because there's no toilets left.
Yeah, can't do it.
To cut a long story short,
the fallout of what we had done
meant that the toilets needed to be replaced.
Electricity had to be shut off for the entirety of the evening
because the smoke was actually fused from the chemical reaction,
which were flammable.
So any lights turned on could have caused an explosion,
which filled the entire block.
The entire water system and drains had to be cleaned
by specialist teams to avoid contamination,
and the police were involved because it had become a public safety issue.
We'd effectively created a chemical spill in the middle of Eastleigh
with these three sodium bricks
that specialists from the fire service, military and police were involved in
to maintain public safety and to ensure there was no ongoing health risk.
Needless to say, the three of us were suspended until our exams.
The cost for the work and clean-up reached around £130,000 worth of public funds.
Criminal prosecution was thankfully dropped,
and the only reason we got rumbled was because we made the schoolboy error
of running directly
past a CCTV camera
while smoke bellowed
out behind us.
The video footage
looked like something
from Stars in Their Eyes.
On reflection,
it was a silly thing to do.
That said,
we did make the front page
of the Daily Echo
and nobody was hurt.
Completely unrepentant.
If I can have
an instant reaction to that,
it would be that
I am pleased
no one was hurt.
Yes. I think that's gone way too far though. If I can have an instant reaction to that, it would be that I am pleased no one was hurt. Yes.
I think that's gone way too far, though.
If that was me,
I can't imagine what my parents would have done
if I had done that.
No.
Sorry, I can't imagine what my parents would have done
had I been caught doing that.
Yeah, I'm sure you have listeners who also attended Quilly
who have similar stories.
A giant penis painted on the roof
that could be seen on Google Maps.
Also our handiwork.
This guy's a shit.
He's a shit, this guy.
What's his name?
Sam.
Sam.
Sam, you are a certified shit.
I mean, on one level, it's good.
Certified shit.
Yeah, but get your jingle out.
On one level, it's good, but on another level,
it's also, I mean, horrendous.
Yeah.
I mean, £130,000 of public money.
I hope you're happy about that.
Unbelievable.
Well, good email, anyway. public money. I hope you're happy about that. Unbelievable. Well, good email anyway.
Good email.
And the sort of behaviour
we do endorse on this show.
I want to go back to the email
I thought you would go for first up, Pete,
which I've titled
Man Obsesses Over Gadgets.
I like this email because it's...
Got distracted by condom eggs, didn't I?
Yeah, you did.
And that always happens.
I like this email because it's from Kesa and she sends this email because it's... Got distracted by condom eggs, didn't I? Yeah, you did. And that always happens. I like this email because it's from Kesa.
And she sends this email in a tone that I recognize
because that tone I would describe as
a wife exasperated by a husband.
Something I live every single day.
As a husband, not a wife.
Kesa says,
Gentlemen, I'd like to throw a new topic into the mix, if I may.
I wonder if any of your listeners have made some ridiculous gadget purchases in this age of gizmo abundance now pete
this is your specialist subject and there will be time for you to respond um she says my husband
is an overzealous apparatus accumulator and some of his dust gathering possessions now include
and there's a list number one a heart rate, which seems to have soothed his heart attack paranoia
by simply sitting on our shelf.
Number two, a security camera rigged to spy
on the pigeons living on our balcony.
My husband would then tune in from his new job
and inevitably became known around the office
as the pigeon guy.
And from then on would only receive pigeon-related gifts
from his secret Santas.
Number three, a blood pressure gauge.
Used only once when unboxing it with a friend.
Both were satisfied with normal blood pressure levels.
Number four...
It's good to keep an eye out.
Look, men's health is important.
We don't got the doctors enough, so we need these gadgets.
Go to the doctor now.
No.
You're banned.
I'm banned.
Say, well, I'm banned from the cavernous fracture.
You're banned from the doctor.
Number four, one of those ridiculous and seemingly dangerous
electric abtoning belts that Ronaldo hilariously advertises
used twice before he heard that someone had died from using one.
This guy's a wreck. I'm loving it.
Number five, a stupid electric fly zapper the shape of a tennis racket
which only serves to temporarily stun flies
if you should be so lucky as to actually hit one.
The latest contraption
I mentioned there
comes with sourcing
for you batteries
which I don't think
we've heard from before.
As the list goes on,
I wonder what you
and your listeners
would consider your worst,
most useless gadget purchases.
Now, if you're listening,
hello at lukeandpeatshow.com
for that.
Pete, take it away.
It's probably that keyboard
that's got like an e-ink display
and it's not connected to anything
so you don't get distracted
so you purchased that
when you were writing our book
yeah
I used it once to write the book
but it was mainly just for
tapping down notes
every now and again
when I famously got locked in your flat
for longer than I'd wish
something we've covered extensively
on a number of our shows
there were more gadgets in the house than there was food automatons longer than I'd wish. Something we've covered extensively on a number of our shows.
There were more gadgets in the house than there was food.
Automatones.
What's that?
Automatones is, you know,
that sperm-shaped kind of musical crotchet note?
Yes.
Oh, yes!
You've got about four of those.
I've got four of those.
Every time I go to Japan, I buy a new one.
Describe it to our listeners
because they won't know what it is.
Well, it looks like probably about a foot long.
A 3D musical note,
like a crotchet.
Yeah, like a crotchet,
but it's got a face
on the bell of it,
I suppose.
It's got a face.
On the bell end.
On the bell end.
It looks like a little
saxophone sort of thing.
It's got a sliding
kind of key,
keyboards kind of motif
on the neck
of the sperm-y
sort of thing.
And you press the,
it's a bit like a stylophone,
I suppose,
but with a kind of,
like a valve that opens
and it opens and shuts the mouth
and varies the sound a little bit.
I would describe it
as a cartoon brass instrument.
Yeah,
I'd have that.
Yeah,
a cartoon brass instrument
and I bought so many of them.
How much are they?
It's ridiculous.
They're 30 quid.
Are they big in Japan,
are they?
They are big.
Just every time I go to Japan, I buy one and I'm always disappointed because they always die on me are they they are big just every time I go to Japan
I buy one
and I'm always disappointed
because they always die
can they be played
like by people
who know how to play them
very well
and sound good
well I'll get up
a little
I'll get up a little
YouTube if you fancy it
yeah sounds good
if the broadband
in here
feels like working
okay
can you hear that
no I can't hear anything
Pete
hang on
hang on
hang on hang on, hang on.
This is loads of them playing at the same time.
I mean, they don't always sound like that.
They don't even sound that good then.
No.
The drum's really kind of quite high in the mix on that one.
But yeah, they're basically these kind of like little squeaky little buggers.
And what are they called?
They're called automatons.
And I buy one every time I go to Japan, sometimes two or three.
They're great little gifts.
If you've just been deafened by that, you've been deafened by an automaton.
Not many people can say that.
You can't buy them in the UK.
Remember when I brought one, we had to do Ramble Live one of our first I think
at the Prince Charles
cinema and it was
working backstage
and then I went on
stage and basically
announced that I was
pleased because they
could now be counted
as tax deductible
because I was doing
it for work
and it didn't work
because Doc Brown
the stand up had
broken it
he'd broken it
backstage
that was a live show
we did with my mother
got so drunk
she kept shouting out in the middle of the show yes that's what mums are for Oh, okay. He broke it backstage. That was a live show we did with my mother. I got so drunk.
She kept shouting out in the middle of the show.
Yes!
That's what mums are for.
That's what mums are for.
It's the home of The Room, that Prince Charles cinema, famously.
Right, okay.
And so they do screenings.
That famously really bad film that's become so bad,
but it's essentially become so bad it's good.
Yeah, exactly.
And yeah, there's a scene where there's spoons and the whole crowd throws plastic spoons.
You get given a plastic spoon on the way in.
And so I looked behind the screen
and there's just loads of plastic spoons,
like so many plastic spoons that they hadn't cleaned up.
That sounds wacky to me.
That sounds well wacky.
It's where they do sing-along film experiences.
Yeah, like Sound of Music and that kind of stuff.
It's a good idea.
It's quite good for a day. You've got to innovate Music and that kind of stuff. It's a good idea. It's quite good for that.
You've got to innovate in this world of home cinema.
You've got to innovate.
You've got to do experiences.
You've got to do secret cinema, Blade Runner, stuff like that.
You've got to do it.
I'm talking diversify.
I'm talking diversify.
All right, that's good.
That's enough from us.
Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com if you want to get in touch.
If you think you can muster an email of equivalent
or even greater quality than the ones you've heard today,
by all means, get in touch.
Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com.
We would love to hear from you.
Say goodbye, Peter.
We'll see you later in the week.
Have a good one.
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