The Luke and Pete Show - I have absolutely definitely not sh*t myself

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

Should a professional footballer be allowed to play 5-aside in the name of friendship? Can old musicians actually produce good work or are they just upheld by the reputation of their youth? We're looking at you Mr. 'Gasm...Elsewhere Pete tells us how he was woken up by a rando and Luke rants about the about the consequences of sleeping on a train - he outright refuses to be a professional waker-upper! Plus talk turns to politics, who knew Congo and Rwanda were two different countries? *Clearly* not the UK government.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're back with the look of Pete Shaw and it's Thursday the 9th of May How the devil are you doing? I'm Pete Donaldson I'm joined by Mr. Lookimo Lookimo, how the devil are you? Hello Hello

I'm doing alright I'm okay Is that all you got? Is that all you got for the people? Yeah, I think we talked at the end of the last episode a bit about our age and all that kind of stuff

and I'm actually in catching up pretty decent shape for compared to what I've been like since my son was born. I've lost 40 pounds since my son was born. Hot dog. All that lifting. For those of European listeners among us, that's about 18 kilos, I think. Which is not bad.

That's chunky. So I do feel okay. I've been playing football a bit with Vish and his team oh nice which has been fun not for them did not get the

invite unbelievable I don't think you'd want to play football in Battersea on Friday night would you it would be hard politically for me to

grant myself the release especially because I play 11s on a Sunday you've got all the pick-up games you need around Lyon Sea, haven't you?

Pick-up games. Hey, there's a guy who's joined our football team. I realise amateur football chat is very boring, but I have never known, and I've been playing football for like 20 years,

a terrible degree. I have never known a person to have, you see players who've clearly played a bit in their day, and their touch is automatic. They're just,

you know, they just know what they're doing. And I'm very much, see, I'm very much not in that category. But in veterans football,

post, you know, over 40s, they, it's just, everyone's pretty good, you know, and veering on very good

in, certainly in my league. Yeah. But they can't run run so it's not really football anymore you know what i mean yeah no one's really running right yeah no one's no one you i'm the only person who tries one twos for example are you playing with people your age and older then yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's yeah and people are pretty much around my age, sort of 42, 43. And there's this lad who's joined, a guy called Jordan. And he looks like he's got like a big kind of sort of curly mop of hair.

But he's got like a bald patch in the middle and a big beard. And like he looks like, you know, he just looks like a block, right? I have never seen a man turn on the amount of pace this man has. Really? At any level. The disparity between the fastest player on our team and him is so wide. It's the widest I have ever seen in the amateur game. Ever.

So what does he do with that amazing weapon? He scores six goals every fucking week. At that level, if you're're quick it covers a multitude of sins oh my god i let in four i let in four in the first half you know it was terrible why do you average

football stories always end with you somehow being in goal and making a massive fucking error passive rick yeah just constant ricks um they were fine

one of them had to get lobbed and that wasn't very good but um yeah the this lad the disparity between our fastest player which I count myself as you know

being one of the players who's willing to run places this guy is the fastest footballer I've ever seen but yeah he knocked in six last week

scored a couple of two why is he playing at your level then? I can't figure it out really I don't know where he's come from the man when you see a man

so talented in that area you don't really want to ask too many questions lest he has to think about things but he yeah

but he was on he was on I think he's really keen to play for some reason yeah so this happened a bit when we were younger we'd have like

we'd play we'd play the Sunday team that was just our mates and we really loved playing it I'm still in touch with a lot of the lads from back then now

we'd have quite a few guys who played competitively and really good level on Saturday, but they just wanted to play with their mates on a Sunday. And it was fucking great. He was on the Megabus in Cardiff at 3am last Sunday

and he got to Southend some six hours later. How old is he? He's over 40. Wow. But he's the sort of speed where you would want to check his birth certificate. I've never seen such disparity in speed. I don't think I've ever seen you as

evangelical as this. Because I've never seen anyone who's done this. You see quick players and they're always on the wing. This guy is just fucking... There's no point. Like the defenders just go, what is even the point? He just absolutely burns it. I know a guy who used to play football professionally and he's now an agent and he's a really nice lad, friend of mine.

And he came through the Arsenal Academy, ended up playing in some different clubs and he said that he was in the I think he's a year older than me I think he's in the same intake in terms of academy players as Michael Owen

right and he said in one of the academy youth team games or whatever at Arsenal he said people had heard about Michael Owen

but they hadn't seen him and when they came down to play in I guess it would have been, I don't know, would it have been London, Colney then? I can't really remember. At Arsenal. Yeah.

People were, it was like astonishing how fast. People were like, other academy players who were trying to make a career in the game were like just laughing at how fast he was. And he said to me, he said, every time I see him kind of semi-regularly now, and he says to me, whenever Michael Owen comes up, he just goes, the only thing I can say is he's just the fastest white man I've ever seen. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my mate is black, and he's like, it was just absolutely ridiculous

how quick he was. To the point where he wouldn't even really need to be able to do anything else. Yeah. I think at certain levels of football, you can cover up a multitude of sins, as I said, by being really fast. And I think that comes unstuck at certain levels. I was like Dan James, for example,

when he went to go play at the top of the game. He kind of got fouled out a wee bit. But he was just so fast. it was very difficult to deal with. And defenders find that hard. Raw pace. There's no real other asset to strike fear in the heart of anyone than just this guy is fucking much quicker than me, so everything I do is now going to be harder.

Yeah, just a deep line. Just play the deepest line you can. But that causes other problems though, right? Yeah. The greatest example of people just slumming it with their mates be harder yeah deep like just a deep line that's good just play the deepest line you can that causes other problems though right so the greatest example of like people just slumming it with their mates was when i played in and the team i played for in the museum were actually decent to the point where i couldn't really get in the team right so i'm not saying i was a better player of theirs or anything because i wasn't but i did play a bit and the guy who i played center back and the guy who played right back was was a guy called James Pritchett.

Still a good friend of mine. You can look him up. He's got his own Wikipedia and everything. He was capped for New Zealand about 30 times and he played with us. Yeah.

Nice. He's played in the Club World Cup and stuff. He played like, he played international. I think I'm right to say he played an international friendly for New Zealand against Wales

and he got mad at the match because he marked Craig Bellamy out of the game. He was playing with us. It was ridiculous. I remember once being subbed off and going up and getting a shower and getting into the stand

and sitting there and a journalist came over to me and started asking me questions about why he was playing for our team. Thinking there'd be some kind of corruption story or something. No. But it was just because

he just wanted to play with us. Is friendship a problem? Yeah. His old man played professionally for years for Watford, I think. Right. Anyway, Peter, I've got an email or two here that I want to kind of get stuck into. Get into it. And then we'll go for a break and come back and do Batteries Vessel right with you.

All right, then. This is one following up from our chat about Smokey Robinson a while back. Do you know we talked about Smokey Robinson, about how underrated he is as a songwriter yeah but you've not seen like the later episodes of the u.s office have you there's like a scene where um ryan the temp um goes on about how important smoky robinson is and it's quite a famous scene um and then because he thinks that smoky robinson has died and he wants to make everyone know that he's this really deep

thinker about music and stuff and then they realise that it was all a hoax and he's actually playing in

Scranton playing quite near them and he goes well go and see him then if you're such a big fan and he's going

oh no I'm busy tears of a clown the problem the problem we're going to see smoking Robinson now would be that it

would be wading through a lot of treacly shit yeah because he's got a lot of like saccharine like

there's a period of his songwriting career which is so cheesy I wouldn't want to sit through that I would want to know what songs

he's playing in advance but I found out I was looking it up afterwards, I was having a discussion with producer Taylor about it, and he has apparently written and published 4,000 songs. Right, okay. I mean, that's a lot, isn't it? I mean, if you want a surefire hit,

presumably you would sort of go, well, I'll have that then. I mean, he's just got the secret sauce, hasn't he? I don't know how many of them are actually good. How many? Yeah, but I want to see the ones that haven't charted, I suppose. Yeah. Well, speaking of that, Joe's been in touch and said,

morning, guys, on the back of Luke mentioning Smokey Robinson last week, here's some lyrics from his 2023 song. Uh-oh. Yeah. Already the alarm bells are ringing. It's some lyrics from his 2023 song. Uh-oh. Yeah. Already the alarm bells are ringing. It's a song called GASMS. You don't need that

from a man of that age. Taken from the album, also called GASMS. GASMS, right. I think you'll both agree it's not as fine as work. Here's some lines from it. You give me GASMS. Oh, God. I gazums.

I gazums. You're the one responsible for my gazums. Gazums, gazums, gazums, gazums. Gazums, gazums, gazums, gazums. You give me gazums. Wow. And that's a man of a certain vintage

saying that. He'd be probably in his Wow And that's a man of a certain vintage Saying that He'd be probably in his Late 70s by now Oh he's 84 God bless him He's like one of those guys who's Used quite a lot of plastic surgery So he doesn't actually look any age

No He doesn't look like a human anymore Almost entirely computer generated But it's fascinating the whole songwriting thing because there's not really many examples of songwriters pops pop music songwriters who do anywhere like their best work as they're older as they get older no um other many people who do their best work on their debut album when they're old I mean who actually yeah it's a good question anybody does the only person I can think of we doing really their best work on their debut album when they're old? I mean, who actually?

Yeah, it's a good question. Does anybody actually? I think the only person I can think of who's doing really genuinely good music in old age is probably Nick Cave and he's in his 60s.

Right. And he's doing really good stuff. But when Bob Dylan puts an album out, of course everyone in the music press goes,

oh, it's brilliant. It's every bit as good as fucking Blood on the Tracks. It isn't. It just clearly is not. That's press goes, oh, it's brilliant. It's every bit as good as fucking Blood on the Tracks. It isn't. It just clearly is not. But that's what was alright. That was quite interesting, wasn't it? Say again?

Panicked. Boy's kind of last sort of almost slightly panicked album. Yeah, so Bowie would be the other exception, but obviously he's sadly departed now. Yeah. But like, honestly, I challenge anyone, and I'm probably going to get some people's backs up by saying this,

but I challenge, I'm not saying he's not an amazing artist and I'm not saying that he's not doing brilliant stuff live and all the rest of it. Like, go and listen to a Bruce Springsteen album now. It's fucking terrible. I saw him on his Wrecking Ball tour.

That was an alright album. When was that? In the grand scheme of things. Seven years ago. Yeah, what's your favourite song on it? Wrecking Ball. Are you thinking of Miley Cyrus? Tears of a Clown.

Yeah, that's my point. So it doesn't take away from how good they were, but it is a curious thing because it's a bit like Ridley Scott putting a new film out now in his 80s and it being like a student's film. It wouldn't happen because he's got so much ability still that it doesn't matter if it's not the best work, it's still going to be passably good, right right he's still working with big actors with big budgets

yeah i guess music is slightly different though isn't it it's kind of such a more personal uh it can be disposed of quite easily i guess it must be something to do with that because a bit like you know if you were around when leonardo da vinci was around and you heard at the age of 82 leonardo da vinci's just done a new painting it's not gonna be like a crayon painting is it no he's not gonna yeah but then a lot of artists at that vintage they um if they ever get to that age um back in the day the old masters and like do you sort of think that that they there's like really good examples of artists whose um mental faculties are losing they're losing them and a lot of their work

is really demonstrative about what parts of their brain they're kind of losing a little bit yeah that's fascinating but I love all that stuff it's fascinating

brilliant well you love it when people slowly lose their minds do you yeah I love it I've been living with it for long I can't get a dose

you love it so much you've gone actually quite method about it yourself exactly yeah let's have a break Pete when we come back we'll do batteries because some people have sent some more I wonder if any of them Get a DOS. You love it so much that you've gone actually quite method about it yourself. Exactly, yeah. Let's have a break, Pete. When we come back, we'll do batteries because some people

have sent some more. I wonder if any of them will get in the daddy. Ooh. Come to daddy. The battery daddy. It's the Luke and Pete show. Welcome back.

And every single Thursday we do battery brands. Send us a picture of the batteries you've bought and uh in your life right now um and i want to see backgrounds of your office obviously backgrounds of your bathroom i want to see backgrounds of dogs um family members lovers all of those pictures i need them for the battery daddy um nabil has got in touch second bite of the biscuit with his triple A having heard Daily Power on the show before and hoping this

genetic sounding name eluded the worldwide look of Pete Shaw Battery Hunter Network is that supposed to be generic? I think it's supposed to be generic isn't it

I think there's a typo there bless him yeah also I've ruined this also Pete mentioned Dr.

Tambo as an airport you probably thought of Johannesburg National Airport was called OR Tambo after the late Dr. Tambo as an airport. He probably thought of Johannesburg International Airport, which was called OR Tambo after the late, great Oliver Tambo, the anti-apartheid activist and leading member of the ANC who was instrumental in Nelson Mandela and Co. in the long battle against the former racist South African government.

He lived in exile for about 30 years in London before he was eventually able to return back home. Nabil, apologies and thank you. Yeah, I didn't pick up on that, even though you and I have both flown through that airport. What was the... I mean, I presume that's where the old... where the stamp came from.

What's Cape Verde's airport called? Cape Verde Airport. Hmm. It's just... It's just Carmel Verde. Right. It's just... I think it's just that, really.

Oh, our Tambo. I'm a car Cabral. Okay. Oh, our Tambo. I didn't read the runes for once with you. You said Dr. Tambo, right? Dr. Tambo. I think in my mind that has become a D.

It's quite funny, isn't it, based on what you were saying just before the break. Anyway, daily power batteries. I was absolutely convinced we'd seen these before, but we actually haven't. Right, okay. They're a new player, so congratulations to you, Nabil. I thought they'd be one of those batteries that we had 100 of, but we've never seen those before, so congratulations. Fantastic.

Oh, dear. I got so excited about the batteries there and Nabil's email. Yawned a bit. Apologies. Ryan. Oh, GP Supercell Heavy Duty. What are you doing? What?

Ryan. Get out. Ryan. Go on. Go on now. Let's stop being silly. But Ryan has also come in with another one. A WinCore 9V.

Saw these two bad boy 9Vs on a friend's kitchen counter. Could they be new players? on a friend's kitchen counter? Could they be new players? If you ever see an errant 9-volt battery on someone's side or sideboard, it's very much incumbent on you to jam it into your tongue to see if it's worth throwing in the bin or not.

And also, it's also incumbent upon you to ask some pretty pointed questions because it means almost certainly that your host has removed the battery from their smoke alarm. Good point, actually. Yeah. Is this a safe space for me to be in? Can I sleep here overnight without a battery

in the smoke alarm? That's what you should be asking yourself. At GP Supercell, just don't bother darkening our door with them. Don't get out. Not for retail sale. Not for the look of Pete Shaw. No, but the plot does thicken when we start to entertain the idea of a Winco 9-volt, because that is also a new player. It's never been sent in before.

It's a beautifully rendered battery with a red, grey and blue kind of motif. Lovely 70s retro kind of logo. Made in China as well, as a lot of them are. But it's a brand new player, so congratulations to you as well, Ryan. I will say that for the GP Supercell, if you are... I mean, it's a dull packet. I believe GP Ultra is Samsung, I think, maybe. Right.

But underneath, not for retail sale in a big box, there's a really unlovable little sign saying 0% mercury. Now, if you're putting a number on that, 0%, that makes me think there's mercury in it, weirdly. It's the opposite. Because if it just said no mercury, more mercury-free, I go, all right, mercury-free. 0% mercury, I feel like rounding errors could be in there. Yeah, it's almost a bit like being a toddler and walking into your parents and just announcing that you haven't shit yourself.

I've not shit myself. Noah Roth has got... Oh, there was a boy who woke me up on the train. I hadn't shat myself, but that's where my brain went. That's where my brain went. I was... It was after...

We had a bit of a meal a couple of weeks ago and I, after a cup of red wines, basically spread out across three chairs. You are a disgusting man. I took my shoe off. Shoes. Just after the Palace game? No, no, no. It are a disgusting man. On the South End. I took my shoe off. Shoes. Just after the Palace game? No, no, no.

It was after a meal. Okay. A meal's my lover. No, it was after a meal. And I laid across three chairs that were not being used. No, I was just having a little dozy old time of it,

having a little snooze because I was knackered. And a boy woke me up. He didn't know that I was getting off at a particular station but he woke me up uh and i said thank you very much and totalled off home and then i saw the same boy the next day and i felt very embarrassed why that he kind of like well i don't know i just he i think sleeping is very it's a very personal tender thing isn't it he recognized he didn't you did he recognise you he didn't know he didn't know who I was or even that I was

getting off at Leon C he said what station are you getting off at Leon C we're nearly there I was like oh shit yeah cheers

I don't know why he knew I was from Leon C but that's on the next day why is he getting involved just keep your powder dry don't knock anyone just get on with it but I was with

yeah but I was with my partner and it's just a bit weird sort of seeing him the next day in the cold harsh light of day because I reckon

you probably behaved like something could be going on between you guys in front of your partner. And she starts thinking, what's happening here? And it's actually nothing, but you've made it seem

like something. He woke me up on a train. I died. Why do you think he woke you up? I don't know. Maybe I just look like the kind of guy

who lives where I live. I don't know. I've not got a clue. I've never seen that. I don't know that guy from Adam. When I used to travel down to visit my parents've not got a clue. I've never seen that. I don't know that guy from Adam. When I used to travel down to visit my parents before I had a car,

I used to go from Waterloo down to Portsmouth Harbour. Surely Portsmouth Harbour is the last on the line. Oh, mate. You don't have to worry about going to sleep. This is what I'm saying.

But it was full of people who didn't want to be in Portsmouth Harbour. Oh, wow. Always. So it's just people going, oh, no, I'm going to have to go

to the Isle of Wight now so then what people took to do it because what I don't know if it still is the culture what used to happen is on the Friday you'd get people I guess

who'd been working maybe up in London all week so they wouldn't go home every night and on the Friday they would get a couple of beers with some of their pals and they would have a few beers and it's about

probably about an hour and 45 trains really right but if they had like three or four beers and they'd also had like a beer or two after work, they would fall asleep, obviously. And it became a habit. I don't know if people still do it. I'd love to know if they do. But I used to see guys all the time with badges on saying, wake me up at Woking, wake me up at Petersfield.

And do you know what I used to do? Fucking refuse. Luke, that's not very high-minded. Don't get me involved. Don't get me involved. High-minded of you. Don't get you involved.

No, you are putting the responsibility for your life onto me. Take responsibility or don't. If you can't stay awake after a few beers,

it's none of my business. I don't want to be involved. Right. I will sit there happily and watch you fucking drift through Woking.

Licky lips. And when I get out of Portsmouth Harbour, I'll happily direct you to the cab rank. But it's your responsibility, not mine. I'm disappointed in you. You're not a person who... I wouldn't say anything because I'm modified at talking to anyone. But where does it end, Donaldson? Am I walking up and down the carriages waking people up?

it's a job make me some food it's become a full time job the waker upper I'll tell you what I'd negotiate I'd say you give me

one can of those four beers you've bought right yeah yeah yeah if I'm awake I'll wake you up other than that leave me out of it

what if they're drinking like Mark Spencer out of it what if they're drinking like Marks and Spencer's lager what if they're drinking like naff booze they always would drink to be fair though Marks and Spencer's lager isn't that bad

no I guess not it's probably a bad example those little mojito cans of mojitos didn't remember Diane Abbott she got in trouble for drinking a mojito

on the train yeah that seems quite quaint these days doesn't it but that's a that right there is an amazing example of how the media ecosystem

works in this country because the right-leaning press, which is basically all the press, in this country made about three weeks of hay out of that. Yeah. Yet there have been

some truly horrific things that have happened that just disappear. They've killed people. They've things that have happened that just disappear they've actually killed people speaking of that and we will come to Noah's battery in just a minute but just while we digress slightly did you see a week or so ago

a member of the government a member of the cabinet not knowing that Congo and Rwanda were different countries while answering questions on the BBC's flagship question time program about and Rwanda were different countries, while answering questions on the BBC's flagship question time programme about the Rwanda bill? I just think the platform of... You know, like, people...

I've said this before, people in politics shouldn't be as thick as me. But they are. Yeah, they 100% are. And they shouldn't be and and it's it's the bar for entry is so low and you can't pin it on the working classes getting involved because it's still as stupid as it always was they're all that it's yeah i just i just don't get how you can be so thick it's a level of thick that is, uh, borders on arrogance. Just being so thick.

It's exactly the right thing. It's a great heady brew of stupidity and arrogance because if you are this guy, and you, you, you're going to know that the question, the first fucking question they do about half an hour on is going to be, um, not quite,

Rwanda, a bit about Rwanda, because that's the bill that's just been passed. It's been the biggest, most controversial policy of the last however many years. Why was he even talking about a different country? Why was he even getting involved? Well, because the guy in the audience was saying,

to be fair, the MP was Chris Philp. He basically hung himself. Essentially, what happened was a British guy of Congolese descent in the audience said, my family are from Congo. Congo are having, in the middle of a war with Rwanda. If my family flee here,

are you going to send them to Rwanda? I.e. basically saying they're going to be fucking killed if you do that. And then this Chris Philp guy keeps saying, well no, there's a line in the bill saying that if you're from Rwanda, you won't be sent back to Rwanda. And, um, which opens up back to Rwanda. And, which opens up a whole lot

of other fucking issues, which I won't bother boring everyone with. But the guy keeps saying, yeah, but my family are from Congo. And it just, it just descends to the point where this guy,

this Tory MP, just wraps his hand in on telly and just goes, so Congo's a separate country from Rwanda. He did not say that. I promise you. He did not say that.

That's more egregious than not knowing. Being shit at it, not having the political nous to get yourself out of that situation is more fucking arrogant. Yeah, I agree. We used to have proper bluffers in this country. We used to have people

who could just talk around the subject for 20 minutes. Good God. Wonderful. It really is the point now where it's a cacistocracy. You've basically got a country being run by the people who are not only badly qualified, they are the least

qualified people in society to do it. It's astonishing. Anyway, just get me through Noah Roth's battery, will you? Because it's the last one out of three. Alright, Noah Roth's battery, will you? Because it's the last one out of three. All right. Noah Roth has got in touch. Beautiful photography of Noah.

I think he's taken some pictures of the battery in the shop itself. So I'm hoping that Noah actually... That he made the purchase. He made the purchase. I might need to see a receipt on this one. Hey, lads. It's been a while since I've had a submission, but since we seem to be in a drought, I'd like to offer up

the Prumier Platinum Alkaline P-R-O-M-I-E-R Prumier It's like Premier but with an O, right? Yeah. Absolutely stunning

early 2000s colour scheme. It is very green, very year 2000 kind of design with like lightning bolts and stuff. Looks like a cannon monster.

It's good. Yeah, yeah. I'd love to see the new Riders of the Minute at Pete's house and can't wait to see what Moy does with it. Well, I pulled snails

out of its butt it seems. Also, Luca Wildback, you were looking for some game recommendations. Have you checked out Helldivers 2? You like Helldivers 2. I love it.

You will. I absolutely love it. You played it? Oh, right. I've got it, yeah. I haven't really played it much. I need to get stuck into it. I'll keep for the recommendation I've got it yeah I haven't really played it much I need to get stuck into it

I'll keep going back to the PUBG world with my friends but I will do Helldivers 2 the reason I haven't played it properly is because my two guys

I play PUBG with are both on PS4 and they refuse to update to PS5 so they can't download it but as soon as they do we'll be in the squad and we'll be doing it

if you want drop me a message on anyone wants to drop me a message on social media to drop me a message on social media and add their tag I will happily

have a game of that with Noah or indeed anyone else Promia are also a new player so that guys is the hat trick for the week

look at that hat trick out of nowhere fantastic to see oh beautiful alright then let's get out of here we've been Luke and Pete and we will be back

on Monday keep your messages coming in we want to hear from you hello at lukepeetshow.com if you've seen something in the news maybe you're a put up on politician on news night

do get in touch hello at lukepeetshow.com you can get us on the old Twitter and that we're putting up videos and all kinds of stuff Instagram's firing on all cylinders

thanks to producer Taylor it's all good stuff so yeah we'll see you on Monday have a good weekend The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.