The Mel Robbins Podcast - Take Control of Your Life: A Toolkit for Healing

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

In this episode, I’m making the topic of trauma easier to understand by taking you step by step through my recent revelation that I was struggling with past trauma. I was one of those people who thought I didn’t have trauma. And you may be like that too. But if you have trouble managing emotions, expressing your feelings, dealing with upset, you go on edge easily, you have trouble focusing, or you struggle with anything like anxiety…. This will be very eye opening. The words “trauma” and “nervous system” are thrown around like candy online. I want to share the profound things that I’ve learned about both topics and how I’ve started to address and heal the trauma in my nervous system. This episode is personal, it’s important, and tactical, and most of all – it’s packed with tools you can start using right now. I hope this episode opens your eyes in the way that it did mine, and makes you not only understand this topic – but yourself a little bit better. And, to go deeper, I have a free 9-page workbook for you that serves as a companion to this episode to help you with your own healing. Just click here to access it.  And, this episode covers sensitive material, including discussion of trauma and sexual assault. If this topic isn’t for you right now – please skip this episode. Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn: 0:58: This episode is one of the most important I’ve ever created because of the powerful impact these learnings have had on my life. It will be the same for you.7:40: What is trauma anyway?8:40: Do you recognize yourself in these signs of past trauma?10:00: Getting honest: my personal story.21:15: What happens to me when I hear the sound of crunchy snow (and how this applies to you).24:00: Do you have to remember trauma to heal from it?30:30: If I have little-T trauma, does that mean my parents are to blame?34:40: This is what your nervous system is (and it’s not what I used to think).43:15: Here’s why your triggers were helpful then and why they’re not now.50:00: How can you get yourself out of survival mode and start to focus again?54:00: The difference between your two nervous systems.56:30: Six takeaways to help you switch from fight or flight to rest and recovery Disclaimer If you uncover or have a history of trauma, consider enlisting the support of a trained therapist. This podcast episode and the companion workbook are not meant to be a substitute for therapeutic support.

Hey, it's Mel, and welcome to what might be one of the most important episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast that I've ever done. Let's do this. I am so glad that you're here with me today, and whether you've been a long-time listener or this is your first time tuning into the Mel Robbins podcast, you have tuned in to something incredible today. My name is Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author, and I am one of the world's most respected experts on change and motivation.

And I've been thinking about the topic that we're gonna talk about today for a long time. It is something that I've been wanting to talk to you about because it has had the single biggest difference in changing the quality of my day-to-day life. And that topic is repairing your nervous system and healing trauma from your past. Now there are three reasons why this topic matters and why I'm so glad that you and I are going to talk about this today. Reason number one, there is so much confusion and misinformation

out there about trauma, especially with TikTok and Reels and YouTube shorts, all that bite-sized, snack-worthy content. Some of it's awesome. But when you sprinkle the word trauma or the phrase nervous system repair around like it's candy, it overwhelms you and it makes people unsure about what trauma is, how you process it, how you identify it, how you even begin the process of healing it. I am getting so many questions from listeners

like this one from Benny. Hey, Mom. My name is Benny. So I hear all this stuff about healing your nervous system on TikTok and social media, and it's kind of overwhelming. How do you know where to start? How can you even begin to acknowledge something that needs to be healed? Benny, thank you so much for your question, and I want you to know, you are not alone. We get a version of that question over a dozen times a day. Today's episode is dedicated to answering it. Here's what we're going to do. First of all, we are going to simplify this topic so that you can understand it and so

that this episode serves as a resource for you. So you can forward this episode to people who you think may be dealing with the issues we're discussing today. Because without understanding what trauma is and how we all have trauma from our past and how that trauma impacts your nervous system, you can't acknowledge the reality of what's going on in your body and how and why you need to repair it.

But by the end of this episode, you will have a very clear idea of what it is and what to do and why all of this stuff around nervous system repair is going to benefit you. Now the second reason why I wanted to talk about this topic is because trauma, that's a heavy topic, but addressing it, it doesn't have to be. When you repair your nervous system, holy smokes, it will expand your capacity to feel joy, happiness, and it's going to allow you to let more love into your life.

That's exactly what happened to me. It's what happened to my husband, and it is what is happening with people around the world who are applying the simple knowledge and the tools that you're about to learn today. The third reason why you and I are talking about nervous system repair is because it's one of those topics that creates a paradigm shift in the way that you approach your life from this moment forward. That's how powerful our conversation today is. So I'm just thrilled that you're here.

Now before we get started, I want to remind you, especially if you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I'm not a medical doctor, I'm not a licensed therapist. I am not a psychologist or a trained certified trauma specialist. In fact, this topic is so big, I am going to have an IV league educated, holistic psychologist and trauma specialist who is going to even dig deeper into this topic with us in the next episode. But I wanted the seminal episode that we do on these topics to be personal because I'm going to tell you this is a very personal topic for me. Discovering that I struggled with trauma, that my nervous system was in a state of dysregulation and needed repair and applying absolutely everything that I'm about to share with you today to my life and seeing the results. It's kind of hard to describe in words the change that it has made in my thinking, in my relationships, in the level of success that I've achieved, my ability to enjoy it, my friendships,

it's not only a paradigm shift, I'm living a completely different life, because my nervous system is repaired. So today, my goal is crystal clear. I'm gonna help you understand the topic of trauma and nervous system repair. So that you can experience this life-changing paradigm shift for yourself and keep in mind.

This is all relatively new to me. I mean, I didn't even know until a few years ago that I had experienced past trauma. And that's very common. I get a lot of questions like that one from Benny. Mel, I see this word a lot. I see these concepts. How do I even know if this applies to me? Well, for starters, I'm just gonna go out on a limb. You and I are friends, and so I'm gonna tell a two friend to friend.

You have past trauma. Period. There's not a single human being on the planet that gets to adulthood and doesn't experience some form of trauma. Every single human being that you know, including you, has experienced traumatic situations, and those past experiences are still recorded in your nervous system, and they are playing out right now in your day-to-day life.

Now, I first started researching the topic of trauma and nervous system repair just a few years ago. Let's see. Let me do the math. It was 2019, so almost four years ago. Okay, I'm actually really good at math, but I'm not that great at simple subtraction. So four years ago, in 2019, we did a project for Audible. And by we, I mean my production studios,

one, four, three studios, we do a ton of work with Audible creating original audiobooks for them. And this particular one was an audiobook called Take Control of Your Life. And it's a project I am so proud of. Actually my team is, wait, what? You're kidding. They're telling me right now that take control of your life is the number one selling audible, original audiobook that they've ever done. I mean, that's pretty cool because it was a project that we produced

where it was a series of coaching sessions that we did on trauma and nervous system regulation. And it was a really life-changing project for me. Because it was in researching the issue and topics of trauma and anxiety and how trauma and anxiety get trapped and stored in your nervous system and in your body. It was during that project that it occurred to me for the very first time. Holy shit.

I have trauma. And that may happen to you today as you listen to this episode. This is why I know that you're going to want to share this with a lot of people, because this is a complex topic. And when I start to just really peel back the layers on this and I explain it very simply. You have an awakening. For the purposes of our conversation today, you and I are going to define trauma as this. It's just the lasting emotional response that comes from living through a stressful, distressing, scary, or life-threatening event. I'm going to say that again. It is the lasting

emotional response that comes from you living through a stressful, distressing, scary or life-threatening event. That's why I say we all have trauma because every last one of us has lived through many stressful, distressing, scary or life-threatening events. And what I learned during that project and all of the extensive research that we did on trauma is that trauma can present in endless ways. For example, researchers describe these fairly common feelings and reactions as signs that pass trauma may be triggering your nervous system to go on edge. So as I list these off, I want you to just consider,

do any of these feel familiar to you? Are you on edge? All the time. Do you have trouble managing your emotions? You feel overwhelmed by life. You snap easily. You get super frustrated about stupid things or you're constantly taking things too personally.

Or maybe it's the opposite. You don't explode. You shut down. You feel unseen. Unacknowledged. You feel taken advantage of or left out that your needs just don't matter and you have real big problem asking for what you need.

Do you have trouble focusing or making decisions because somewhere in the back of your mind you feel like there's something you forgot or there's some other shoe that's about to drop. Other signs, the trauma maybe it play addiction, or feeling disconnected from others, or the tendency to just go up into your mind and leave the room that you're in. Now you might recognize yourself in this list. Check, check, check, check, and then go, yeah, I have trouble focusing. Yeah, I feel like the other shoe's about to drop.

Yeah, I'm easily triggered, but I don't have trauma-mel. I mean, it's not like I was a veteran and I saw combat. That was my reaction to just four years ago. Then we dug into the research. It was really hard, reaction to just four years ago. And then we dug into the research. And it was really hard, but it was a turning point for me to have the courage to admit to myself, wow, there were past experiences in my life that had a lasting impact on me. And it's impacted my ability to tolerate difficult situations. It's impacted my ability to tolerate difficult situations.

It's impacted my ability to manage my emotions. I'm in the category of snapping at people and getting super frustrated or feeling on edge all the time. And it also makes it difficult for me to manage uncomfortable emotional sensations. I started to think to myself, holy shit, I have trauma. And it was hard and confronting to admit that to myself, to realize that, oh my God, there's a reason why your nervous system feels like you're a car whose engine is revving, but you're sitting at a stoplight. There's a reason why you're always on the go, go, go,

always busy, busy, busy, male. And in researching all of this stuff for this project, all of these behaviors and this feeling on edge and the snapping at the kids, it made me track it all right back to trauma. It became undeniable to me that there was a profound connection It became undeniable to me that there was a profound connection between my nervous system, always feeling like something was wrong, or that I was about to get in trouble, and the anxiety that I experienced, the control issues that I had, the toxic behavior and relationships that I engaged in. These were all coping mechanisms that I had developed out of traumatic situations. And I had to come to Jesus with myself,

Mel, you are dealing with unhilled trauma. You are not a freak, you are not a bad person. In fact, you're a really good person that has experienced some traumatic things. And that trauma is trapped in your body, and it's been there since you were in the fourth grade. And I'll tell you what happened without getting into the details, but basically a bunch of families went away together, and we were all skiing together, and we were in this

house that somebody rented, and all the kids were in this massive bunk room. And I woke up in the middle of the night as a fourth grader on the bottom bunk and an older kid was on top of me. That's what happened. And this is gonna sound like a weird thing to say, but it's not even like it was a scary thing. It was more than it was like confusing. I mean, here I am like this little fourth grader.

I don't know what the hell's going on. I wake up somebody's on top of me and I immediately have this flood of adrenaline. This alarm went off in my body. Something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. And I rolled over on my right and I did what experts call passaming. I left my body. I don't even know how it ended. Like, I wasn't even in my body.

That was my response to this situation. And so the next morning, I woke up and I hid underneath the sheets. And, you know, in my little fourth grade brain, I woke up and I hid underneath the sheets. In my little fourth grade brain, I couldn't really process what had happened. It was really confusing. It was like, I don't know what happened. I just know that it was bad. Immediately when something like that happens, when you're little, you do not have the ability to go that person screwed up,

you basically aim it back at you and go, I must have screwed up. And so I hide under the sheets and I wait for all the kids to, you know, climb, climb, climb downstairs and I think everybody is left to head off to ski and I can hear some of the moms downstairs and I'm like, okay, coast is clear. head off to ski and I can hear some of the moms downstairs. I'm like, okay, coast is clear. And I throw the blankets off and I go scampering downstairs and I immediately see my mom. And she was standing there cooking pancakes and she had a spatula in her hand.

I'll never forget this. And she goes, how'd you sleep? And I was about to tell her. I was literally about to blurt it out. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw the older kid who did it. And keep in mind, I didn't even really know what it was because I had so blocked it out. And I felt another wave of anxiety and alarm and panic hit me. And I left my body again. Like I just piece out out of the body. I'm not gonna be here when this,

because I knew what my mother would do. My mom is awesome and she's a farm girl. She would have taken that spatula and hit that kid into next week. I mean, there would have been some major, you know, what that went down. But I didn't know what the kid was gonna do. And so as I feel the alarm in my body go off,

standing there in that kitchen, I am desperate to tell my mom what happened. But my nervous system fired up and I froze and I lied. I said, fine. And in that moment, nothing bad happened. See, that's the thing about our responses to trauma. I was just trying to protect myself from something bad happening.

The alarm goes off, I don't know what's gonna happen. And so I just did the first thing that I felt like doing, which was lying, keeping the peace. But at that point forward, that's when I got locked into a trauma pattern, right there. That's when the wiring inside of me started to flicker. That moment.

See, trauma, as you now know, is any single experience that triggers the emotional alarm system to go off inside your body. So let me unpack this. When I woke up as a fourth grader and found the older kid on top of me, of course the alarm system rang in my body. That right there is a trauma experience. I also experienced trauma a second time standing in the kitchen

because when my mom just turned and innocently asked me, how'd you sleep, honey? That wasn't dramatic. It was when I saw the kid in the room. Ooh, the alarm sounded inside my body again, danger, danger, danger. And that's what trauma is. It is any single experience that you live through in life,

big, small, whatever, that creates a lasting emotional experience inside of your nervous system. I didn't realize until I was 49 years old and doing this project for Audible, that one of the reasons why I have woken up every single morning since that morning in fourth grade when this happened. Every single morning, I have woken up with this feeling that something's wrong. That is because of the trauma. It has had a lasting impact, one incident, a lasting impact, emotionally in my experience in life. I didn't realize that it was due to the trauma.

I just thought that there was due to the trauma. I just thought that there was something weird about me that I always woke up and felt like something was wrong. No, this is an example of my nervous system remembering a situation and reliving it over and over and over again. And the example that I just gave you, I mean, it is a pretty big situation, but it wasn't until four years ago that I understood that that is an example of trauma.

And I think it's really important for you to hear that, because trauma could be anything. You could have trauma from being bit by a dog or being left home alone after school as a kid. It could be something that happened to you once, like the incident that happened to me in fourth grade. Or it could be something that happens hundreds of times. It's in your day-to-day life. It's the discrimination that you're facing. It's the poverty that you're facing. It's the silent treatment in your house. See, trauma is very personal. It's a personal experience because it's not about what's happening outside of you. It's about how you and your body experience what happened. I have another example that I want to

share with you before we go further because it will really highlight how even simple experiences that you think that you've gotten over can last with you forever. So when I was growing up in Western Michigan, we would often drive up to the Pataski area of Michigan to ski at Boyne Highlands or Boyne Mountain. And I remember there was this one night where we were driving on a Friday night. It was like three and a half hours from a ski-gan up to Petaski. My dad and my brother were in the car ahead of us.

I was driving in, remember those old wagon years with the wood paneling down the side, we were in one of those suckers. My mom and I were in that and we had our dog spreckles in it and I'll never forget this. We were listening to the radio as we were driving and we were coming into Cal Cascah. And Cal Cascah, I always remember

because that's where the McDonald's was. We would stop there to go to the bathroom and to get a burger that was like sort of two hours into the drive. And so the radio comes on. And the person on the radio warned about the fact that due to the weather conditions, you needed to be very careful because it was icy out there.

And there was a lot of black ice on the road. And at that moment, somebody came up the left-hand side on a two-lane road to try to pass us. And as they tried to pass us, all of a sudden this truck comes up over the hill, and this person swerves in front of us, and we go careening off the side of the road. And it was a wild experience. The car rolled several times. I remember it like it was yesterday. It felt like I was sitting still in the car and I was inside like a dryer and everything was tumbling around me. Like, you know, paper went somewhere, the McDonald's cup went somewhere, our dog went from the front all the way to the back, but I felt like I was sitting still.

I came to imagine what it was like for my father and my brother because my dad saw this whole thing play out in the rear view mirror. So he's watching his wife and his daughter roll off the side of the road down a hill. Now luckily, we were fine. Little shaken up, but we were fine. We had our seat belts on. The dog was freaked out, because Breckle's got thrown all the way into the back.

But let me tell you something. If I am ever in a situation where I'm walking across crunchy snow. You know the sound of crunchy snow. You know the sound of crunchy snow, the kind of wet snow, where it's like, right, right, right, right, right. It kind of squeaks. If I walk to my mailbox after a wet crunchy snow

and I hear that crunching snow sound, I immediately feel the sensation of being in that car. Everything's spinning around me. I can immediately sense my mom because the car ended up with me down and her strapped up high because we were on the side. And her making, you know, like, are you okay? I'm back there. Why?

Because my body absorbed every aspect of that situation and it happened to attach the sound of crunching snow to that car ruling. Now it's interesting and this gets back to the point of trauma being personal. My mom was in the same car. She can walk across Crunchy Snow, she doesn't think about anything. But if somebody says the words black ice, she immediately goes on edge. That's her trigger. That's what her body remembered. And so it's important for you to understand that trauma is an experience stored in your body. And it's stored in a way that is designed for your body to recall it.

And the problem with trauma is that it jumps out at you and your adult life when you least expect it. Because all of a sudden, you're, you know, poot-do-do-do going through life and you're walking into the mailbox and now you're all like on edge because the sound of crunching snow puts you on edge. Your body remembers the alarm goes off. Somebody says black ice. Your body remembers the alarm goes off. Now I wanted to give you this example because you'll hear the experts talk about capital T trauma, which are big events like natural disasters, diseases, physical and sexual abuse, witnessing somebody die, witnessing abuse, experiencing neglect, veterans and combat experience this kind of PTSD.

But I think every one of us has what the experts call small T trauma. And these are the experiences that I've just described from you, that you might not remember, but your nervous system sure does. Let me give you a few examples of these. If you've ever been the only person of a particular race or religion in your classroom, that can cause trauma, because it puts you on edge. If you're called worthless, if you have to be quiet, because dad's coming home, or you have people constantly commenting on what your body looks like or how tall you are or the freckles on your face, feeling like you don't belong. But I'm telling you, something happened to you in the past and you just felt unsafe, unseen

or unloved in that situation that you lived through. It was real. What you felt was real. It happened. Oh, wait was real, it happened. Oh, wait, oh, Jessie's waving her hand over there. She's one of the producers on the show and she manages video production. And so if you're watching this podcast on YouTube,

you wanna thank Jessie for doing all the video editing. But do you have a question, Jessie? I've never been to therapy, but I get what you're saying. I just don't know how to connect it. Like I feel the emotions, but I get what you're saying. I just don't know how to connect it. Like I feel the emotions and I see what you're saying about the little T-trauma, the big T-trauma. But I don't remember it. Do I have to know what that little T-trauma is to recognize it or can I just keep it generic and say, nope, that's little T-trauma?

That is a great question, Jesse, and I want you to hold that thought because we need to take a break and hear a quick word from our sponsors. And when we come right back, I'm going to answer it in detail. Welcome back to the Mel Robbins podcast. We are talking about trauma and nervous system repair today and right before the break, Jesse, who's a producer on this show, she runs video production here at 143 Studios. She has a really important question and it was so good, I'm just going to ask Jesse to replay it for you. So let's roll the question that Jesse asked. I've never been to therapy, but I get what you're saying. I just don't know how to connect it.

Like I feel the emotions, and I see what you're saying about the little T-trauma, the big T-trauma, but I don't remember it. Do I have to know what that little T-trauma is to recognize it, or can I just keep it generic and say, nope, that's little T-trauma. Excellent question. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. You do not need to know what the original incident was. And you may never know, because it may be something very, very subtle

that caused this surge of emotion in your little baby body. And what happens with a response like this in your nervous system is because your nervous system is designed to remember situations that feel overwhelming or threatening or scary. Any time you are in a similar situation, your nervous system will fire up the alarm and you will repeat the exact same emotional response. So I just want to ask you a couple questions if that's okay. So in listening to this episode and in our team doing all this research, are you saying that this is a moment for you where you're going, oh my God, I'm dealing with trauma in my body?

Yeah, I mean, I grew up in a very happy, healthy home. And I never associated myself with having trauma. Again, I've never thought of myself as needing to talk to anybody about therapy or trauma period because I was like, I don't have any, everything was fine. I was healthy, happy. But hearing all this, the little T-trauma, absolutely. But I don't have a memory of a specific day, a specific time, a specific person that might have caused that. So can I just leave it as all these emotions come from a little tea trauma? Yeah. When you talk about emotion, how would you describe sort of that repeated response

that you're experiencing as an adult that you're now like, oh, that's probably little T trauma. What is your emotional response? I think there's a lot. It just instantly makes me want to cry, give emotional. I also resort to shutting down. But again, I don't know where that's coming from. Why am I so emotional about certain things?

I don't have a bad memory associated with it. Well, here's what I want you to understand and this is really good news. You don't have to. You don't have to know when it began because this is a very familiar thing that happens to you. And all you have to know is that now here you are in your adult life, you don't want this to be the automatic reaction to situations that are overwhelming. You just

don't. And so that's all you need to know. And here's what's really cool about this. If you start to identify all those moments during your day where you get either emotionally overwhelmed or you feel emotionally triggered, that's your map to healing. And you can begin the work of repairing your nervous system response to situations where you think you're in trouble or you think you're overwhelmed,

you think you're going to screw up without knowing where this all started. And as you start to do that, and your nervous system starts to repair itself, and you start to feel more steady, and you start to be able to tolerate waves of uncomfortable emotion, and you're able to scoot through difficult situations at home, at work with friends, whatever, like a boss, you will start to remember you're past differently. Because I also believe that a lot of this stuff happened before we were five years old and we could describe it for ourselves. And so the only narrative that we have about our childhood is the ones that we've been

told. And that doesn't mean that we have about our childhood is the ones that we've been told. And that doesn't mean that your childhood was bad. It just means that there were moments when you're really little that somebody's tone of voice scared you. And that was it. And your nervous system remembers that. You got really emotional because nobody comforted you. That's it.

And it doesn't mean your parents are bad. It doesn't mean like anything about the adults around you. Because remember, it's it. And it doesn't mean your parents are bad. It doesn't mean like anything about the adults around you. Because remember, it's personal. It's not about what the adults are doing. It's about how your little baby body experienced what was happening. And so, it's a great question. And I just want to make sure you listen and get this. You don't have to remember any originating incident. And it's not required that you do that in order to start the process of repairing your nervous system, which is basically repairing the way you respond to difficult emotion and to situations

that are triggering. That's what this is. So that's number one. And number two, this works beautifully with talk therapy, or without it. So I love talk therapy because I love having somebody objective and trained to help me think through situations and get strategic and framework out conversations. And it's been invaluable for my marriage with Chris to help us really understand one another. But the interesting thing about nervous system repair is you can talk to your blue in the

face about what happened to you and about what you want to do moving forward. But I find oftentimes I can talk through it, but if I get into a situation that's emotionally triggering, I still have the same fricking emotional response, which for me is not shutting down, it's lashing out. And it wasn't until I realized that this is not something that's happening from your neck up in your thoughts. This is something that happens in your body as a feeling first. And because it is remembered in the nervous system, your response to these

situations, Jesse, is to get really like, welled up with emotion, mine is to get welled up with anger. And I don't even know where it comes from. Because like you, I don't remember anything but the positive stuff. So you can also go and do this kind of work everybody and not feel like you got to blame your parents because it's not really about all the things outside. It's about your body's reaction to it. And now the opportunity to reprogram your nervous system and your wiring so that you have different responses now as an adult. Does that make sense?

Awesome. So I love this question, Jesse, because my husband didn't think he had trauma either. And in our marriage counseling, one of the things that we've talked a lot about is that Chris does not express his needs. And you can tie the fact that he does not express his needs. He shuts down like you do because of small tea. I don't even like the smaller large tea because I think trauma is trauma. And it's personal. How big it feels to you. And I think when you call it little T, it makes you feel like you're deficient. If it seems like an insignificant thing, but it's had a residual effect on you, and that

was that way for Chris. He was basically a lachki kid. His dad was always working. His mom also was working, and he was the youngest of three, and he came home every single day to an empty house. And he woke up and got came home every single day to an empty house. And he woke up and got himself to school and walked to school two miles, and I'm not trying to tell some sob story,

but there was nobody there. There was nobody at his baseball game. And so he was trained as a kid to feel like his needs didn't matter because even when he asked somebody to be there, oftentimes they couldn't be or they wouldn't be. And so that feeling of shutdown, that surge of emotion that you feel walking into the house, and again, nobody's there, walking onto the baseball field, and everybody's parents are there but yours.

That surge of emotion that you feel that you don't matter, that's his lived experience. It doesn't mean his parents are horrible people. It just is what happened, and it's how he experienced it. And now, as a 53-year-old man, here we are in couples counseling, talking about the fact that I lash out, and I'm addicted to being busy when I get emotionally overwhelmed, and he shuts down. And these are all things that have been markedly improved because we both take the steps to take care of our nervous system. So what is the nervous system? I used to think that the nervous system

meant the nerves in your body. Well, I was wrong. Your nervous system is so much more than the nerves in your body. Well, I was wrong. Your nervous system is so much more than the nerves in your body. Your nervous system is a huge network and live system that includes your brain, spinal cord, your gut, and the network of nerves that connects and operates and communicates it all.

So whenever you're listening to an expert talk about your neurology or your chemistry or biology or physiology or the way that synapses or neurons or all these fancy words, fire and wire together, what they're describing is how your nervous system operates and it operates in a way to keep you alive and to keep your body functioning. And, most importantly, your nervous system is also designed to remember things that are threatening, and that's where trauma comes in. So you know I love metaphors.

So let's use one here on this topic of trauma and nervous system repair, because that's going to keep this very visual, and it also makes this less heavy, okay? Cause we're in the repair zone, we're not in the living the trauma zone, okay? From this point forward, whenever somebody says nervous system, I want you to think about electricity and the wiring in your home. Whether you live in an apartment, or you live in a house,

there is wires in those walls and there is power and electricity coursing through them. And it all connects to the light bulbs and the fire alarms and the smoke detectors and it connects everything. Those wires it powers it. And when the wiring in the building works properly, you know what happens? Easy breezy. You flip a switch. It's like magic. The lights come on. Things are smooth. They're predictable. You can even dim them up and down whenever you want to. You're in control. They're steady. They're bright. They glow. Isn't it wonderful electricity? We love our smoke alarms. Alarms are important because when they're working properly, when the batteries are charged,

they're silent. Which means we can sit in our beautiful bright, wonderful, glowy apartment and we can enjoy our lives. And they stay silent unless there's a real emergency and they need to sound the alarm. Your nervous system is the wiring in your house. That's what it is. It's powering you. It's connecting

everything. And it is designed to be reliable. It's designed to be consistent. It is designed to dim up and dim down. It is designed to come on and to come off. Trauma and these experiences that you and I have lived through. It's just any experience that puts a nick in the wiring. That's it. Like a little mouse that has chewed through the wire. Whoops, the light went out. Or when the batteries run low in your fire alarms. And in the middle of the night, it's like, beep, beep, even though there's nothing wrong, it's going off, it's so annoying. That's what it's like to live with a nervous system that needs repair. When your nervous system needs repair, it's because the wiring inside you has damage to it. That's it. That's all that it is. Trauma is what caused this issue, but you have

within you the power to find the little break and to repair it so that the energy inside of you flows freely and is steady and is bright and is reliable Holy cow your whole life changes because you don't feel on edge anymore. You can relax. You can be at peace. You can let love in because you're not having the energy and you like not work right. And I'm not trying to downplay the trauma you may have experienced. I'm trying to lift up and highlight the power that you have inside of you to heal this. And so I'm going to give you another metaphor to make this really clear. And it will help explain that awful surge of emotion that you feel when you get triggered and what to do to fix it right after the break.

Welcome back to the Mel Robbins podcast. So today we're talking about trauma and nervous system repair. And I promised that I would give you another metaphor that is going to help you understand triggers. Triggers, when it relates to trauma in your nervous system, is basically when anything in the outside world sends a surge of emotion through you. It might be when the jerk cuts you off in traffic or maybe your mother-in-law has this tone of voice, it just gets under your skin. That's a trigger. So about that metaphor, in the last house that we lived in outside

of Boston, from the very day 15 years ago that we had bought our fridge, the person that installed it, nicked the water line, and the ice maker never worked. And because the fridge was jammed into a cabinet, we couldn't pull it out to fix it. And so for the last 15 years, I have had a refrigerator that does not make ice. I personally love ice.

I love ice in my drinks. So this has always been a big pet peeve of mine. And so when we moved to Vermont, the number one thing on my wish list was an ice maker. Like not just the ice maker in the fridge, but a real true ice maker with a scoop. Like this was the thing I really wanted. And so here's what's happened. I don't know what's wrong with our ice maker, but our ice maker constantly overwhelms the electrical circuit in this house. Honest to goodness, three to four times a week,

I go to open the thing up, and it's either drained of all the ice or the light is off, and it's because the circuit could not handle the surge, and so what did it do? It just shut down. That is the exact same thing that happens to you in some situations. There's a situation that triggers something,

and you have the surge of emotion that you can't handle, and you shut down. And so several times a week, I have to go down in the basement. I gotta open up the circuit breaker panel. And every time I go down there, I'm like, why have we labeled this thing in pencil that I can barely even read? I need to get a sharpie and I have to line up the label

with where the breaker is and find the breaker that is flipped off and count the numbers down the left-hand side and then count to where I think the thing is. And then I finally find the little switch and I flip it back on and boom. Electricity is flowing again. And I'm using that example

because I do this three or four times a week. That ice maker, it is overwhelming the circuits. It is a fact. At some point, we might have to replace the actual, I don't know, wiring or the thing it plugs into, not sure what's going on there, but I can find the switch and I can flip it and it works again.

And in doing that, I'm repairing the connection so that everything runs smoothly. And so when people talk about nervous system repair, it's the exact same thing. That there are deliberate things that you can do to basically notice when the lights go out or they're blinking or there's an alarm going off or there's a surge of emotion that overwhelms you.

And when that happens, you find the fuse box, you find the switch that got flipped, and you flip it back, and things will run smoothly. And the more that you do this, the less triggered you get, the less overwhelmed you become when you're in difficult situations. The more you can tolerate and handle emotions that are uncomfortable. And that means you feel more capable, you feel in difficult situations, the more you can tolerate and handle emotions

that are uncomfortable. And that means you feel more capable, you feel more in control, you feel proud of yourself. So let me give you a few examples of how this plays out in terms of having a nervous system that was dysregulated because of trauma and that is in need of repair right now. So let's just say a lot of you write in about this,

that you grew up with a really verbally abusive parent. I guarantee you, as soon as you heard the front door open or their car pull up in the driveway at the end of a work day, it's almost like my ice maker. There was a surge of emotion. It got overwhelming and something either shut down or the alarm went off inside you. You were really smart to get overwhelmed and to be triggered because he was unpredictable. And so being on high alert, sounding the alarm, feeling that surge of emotion, that was a good thing in that situation because it kept you safe.

Now, here's the problem. The problem is now, 30 years later, it's six o'clock, you're fine, you don't live with your father, you're safe, you've been in therapy, but it's six o'clock, and you can't explain. Why do you feel on edge at the end of the work day? Why do you feel on edge when somebody pulls into the driveway? Why do you feel on edge when the sun starts to go down? I'll tell you why you feel on edge. You don't remember this, not consciously, but your nervous system sure does. So that's why you can't put your finger on it. I want you to consider this as an example of trauma. Just like I didn't want to continue to wake up every morning and feel like something was wrong. Repairing my nervous system is how I am now able to wake up every morning and feel okay, I feel perfectly fine because I have repaired the trauma that I experienced in fourth grade. Here's another example. Maybe you weren't the greatest student when you were younger.

So being asked to read something out loud when you were seven years old felt like a life threatening situation to your little brain because you stuttered or you couldn't read very well and your friends laughed. Now let's fast forward 20 years. And you're wondering, why do I keep getting passed over for a promotion at this consulting

firm that I work at? I work hard, I put in long hours, my clients all love me, I'll tell you why. It's because you're not vocal or visible at work. And you can blame trauma for that. Because every time you walk into a meeting or you've got to advocate for yourself or you've got to present something to your boss. Guess what happens? Your nervous system remembers what it was like to be called on when you were seven years old,

and you feel this wave of emotions, and then you shut down. You don't speak up as much, you don't advocate for yourself, you're not as aggressive as you need to be, and that's why you're getting passed over. You have the same responses and adult, like you did as a kid. And I want to remind you one more thing that I think is really encouraging. I didn't know any of this four years ago.

Four years ago, I was still waking up, feeling like something was wrong, and I was still running around like a lunatic, super busy. You want to know why? Also, trauma. Because if you think about what happened to me, I was sound asleep. When I woke up and found that kid on top of me, I had been in a safe, sound asleep situation. So, of course, I don't feel comfortable being still. If I'm busy, nobody can catch me, nobody can hurt me.

And I didn't trace that addiction to busyness back to that fourth grade incident until literally a couple years ago. And so I'm telling you all this because that's a relatively short amount of time for me to completely transform what it's like to live in my body and in my mind and how I'm showing up in relationships. My old friends will tell you I am a completely different person today and it has to do with repairing my nervous system.

If you lean into what I'm talking about, this is liberating because I realize there's nothing wrong with me. And there's nothing wrong with you. You and I, we just have a nervous system that needs a little attention. Maybe you need to tighten some screws, maybe you need to replace some wiring, maybe you need to flip a switch and check the circuit breaker. No problem.

And so for me, back in 2019, as I started to get really serious about the connection between past trauma and traumatic experiences and situations where my nervous system is like, and healing it. And in the past four years, boy, I've done just about everything. I've been in therapy, Chris and I have been in therapy. I have incorporated cold exposure, ice baths, that kind of stuff as a way to train my nervous system. I've done several guided psychedelic therapy things with psychiatrists that have been

profoundly moving and helpful. And I am here to tell you that it is possible to heal the disruption that you feel in your body. Even if you're sitting here listening and you're saying yourself, I really don't think I have any trauma, Mel. I doubt it, but here's what you do have. You have a nervous system. And if you're tired of getting completely worked up about the dumbest things, or you just cannot stop worrying all the time, I wanna tell you something.

This all comes back to your nervous system too. And I'm gonna talk about this because I'm getting a lot of questions about those of you that can't focus, that you're having trouble prioritizing the business that you want to launch. And I want you to truly consider that the nervous system repair is a really critical piece to you being able to operate on all cylinders to do your best thinking and to achieve the results that you want. Check out this question from a listener named Uzke. Hello, Mel. So the biggest thing I'm struggling with is my new mindset. I want to

keep up with. I want my mindset to be out of survival mode so I can focus better on my business because right now I feel like I'm standing in my own way which sucks a lot. Thanks a lot for your hard work. I'm sending lots of love from Germany. I don't mean to laugh but that part at the end which sucks a lot. I mean that was just so cute. Anytime anybody says survival mode that to me is code for past trauma. If you are in survival mode, if you cannot focus, if you're triggered all the time and highly emotional and you're taking things personally, please focus on nervous system repair.

And this comes from research at UCLA. One of the reasons why nervous system repair is so critical. This is research from Dr. Judith Willis. Is that when your nervous system is dysregulated and you are in this state where the lights are blinking to kind of feel on edge, everything that Oosge is talking about. I can't focus. I can't do this. I'm getting triggered every day. The reason why you can't focus is because when your nervous system is triggered like that, it overrides the prefrontal cortex and the

cognitive region of your brain. You can't focus because your nervous system is in control. Repairing your nervous system is what will improve your focus. This isn't just common sense, it's science. The truth is that you feel a sensation in your body first and that sensation in your body then triggers your mind to try to make sense of it. So if you're still listening to this and you're like, this is a May, I got 55 people, I'm going to forward this to because they need to hear this. Just stop.

Absolutely everybody, particularly after the past three years, just think about what you just lived through. There's not a single human being that can sit on 50 hours of Zoom calls a week and work for home while your kids are underfoot and the dog is there and nobody knows what's going on and masks and all of this, we're not built for this. Of course you cannot focus. Of course you're having trouble with procrastinating and stress and anxiety. And it's not just documented in the research,

this is freaking common sense. We have lived in a state of uncertainty sustained for three years. And it's not just you. I've given over 150 presentations in the last year about their research related to productivity, to stress, to mindset. Whether I've been talking to Microsoft or Starbucks or JP Morgan or Biogen or Compass Real

Estate, absolutely everybody, including you, is having trouble focusing and being productive and it's because of our nervous system. We have not gone into our fuse box and found the switch and flipped ourselves back into normal operating mode and it's time we do it. This is not a conversation for losers. This is a conversation for winners. So I am going to show you that there is a treasure inside of you in your body that you have within you, the ability to heal your nervous system, and what you're about to learn.

This is it. If you want to achieve your goals, if you want to knock it out of the park this year, if you'd like to make more money than you ever thought possible and also enjoy it while you do it, well then take this next part of the conversation seriously, because I am going to bring you back home into your body. I'm going to show you simple ways that you can settle your mind, your body, and spirit when life triggers you. And I want you to get serious about this.

So now that you understand what the nervous system is, we got to go a layer deeper, because we are not going to be screwing around with the wiring unless you really understand what's going on. I don't know if you've ever had a situation where somebody in your family is like, oh, I'll just repair the light. You're like, no, we better make sure that don't you dare. You gotta turn off the breaker, make sure you're safe.

And so let's go a layer deeper here. When you start to do nervous system repair, I want you to understand do nervous system repair, I want you to understand that nervous system repair is your ability to switch between the two nervous systems that you have. That's right, you have two nervous systems. You have a parasympathetic nervous system, and you have a sympathetic nervous system. When you're happy, safe, when the lights are flowing, the way they need to,

when the dimmer's work, that is your parasympathetic nervous system. That's the one we want to flip on, okay? That's the nervous system that allows you to relax, it allows you to tap into your confidence, it allows you to focus, it allows you to do your best work, it allows you to focus, it allows you to do your best work, it allows you to let in love and experience joy. I love, love, love the Parasympathetic nervous system. Now the other nervous system is the one that we need to deal with, and that's the sympathetic nervous system, which is a really weird name because sympathetic is what researchers call the fight-or-flight nervous system. Sympathetic is the alarm bill. It's the part of

the nervous system that got turned on during traumatic situations. It got turned on as you were experiencing discrimination or poverty or teasing or abandonment or any of the various things that we've talked about that could trigger a traumatic experience. And here's the thing. If that sympathetic nervous system gets flipped on, it can get stuck there. You've got to repair it by turning it off. And the Vegas nerve is our secret to changing this. The Vegas nerve runs from your seat, all the way through your body, through every major organ, through your vocal cords, and all the way up to the top of your head. And the technical term, when you flip the switch,

is your quote, toning the Vegas nerve. That's what researchers and neuroscientists say. I just say, let's just flip the switch. And there are a lot of ways that you can do this. And today, I'm going to give you six specific takeaways that you can try today. These are tools that help you locate that breaker inside you and flip the switch. And every one of these, it's going to take you from a state of feeling stressed out, triggered, or on edge. Boom, right into a calm state. Because how each one of these six tools work is they tone the Vegas nerve as you do them. So the first thing that you can do to flip the switch inside of you is singing or humming.

And one of the reasons why this works is because, remember, the Vegas nerve travels all the way from your sacrum through every major organ, through your vocal chords and up into your brain. So when you sing or hum, there's vibration in your vocal chords. And that vibration stimulates the Vegas nerve and you immediately feel calmer. How cool is that? Second thing you can do, take a hot bath. You're not only relaxing, but the hot bath soos and relaxes the vagus nerve and you will feel calmer when you get out of the hot bath.

Third thing that you can do, try cold exposure therapy. So when you jump into a cold shower or you climb into an ice bath and you start practicing the breathing techniques that allow you to take your body from that freak out fighter flight adrenaline rush that happens when the cold water hits your skin and you breathe through it and you relax down into a quiet, calm state through your breathing. Your vagus nerve is involved because it's running through your diaphragm.

And so you get stronger and calmer, too. The fourth thing that you can do, any basic exercise that gets your heart rate moving, that will activate in town the vagus nerve as well. And it also flips the switch and you go from stressed out to feeling calmer. And you know this because you've probably experienced this in your life where you've been irritated or angry or worried or stressed out and you simply go outside and you take a brisk walk. And only cow, it does work like magic.

Your thoughts start to slow down, you start to catch your breath, you shake it off, you feel a little bit calmer. This is all an example of what you can do physically to locate that switch and flip it inside you and go from stress to calm. Breathwork and meditation is a fifth example of techniques and strategies that you can put to use today in order to tone the vagus nerve and flip from stressed out or on edge and come back into your body and become. And my personal favorite way based on the research to locate the vagus nerve and flip that switch inside you and bring you back into your power is giving your heart a high five.

Now I've written about this extensively in our book, The High Five Habit, and I'm going to teach you how to do it right now. It's so simple. I love teaching this to kids. And the reason why I love this so much is because no matter where you are, what situation you're in, you can give your heart a high five. You can't always find a bath or a cold shower. You can't always go take a run and you can't start singing or humming if you're in the middle of a work meeting. But you can high five your heart. And so this is a strategy that I really want to unpack for you.

What you're going to do, just put your hand over your heart and you're going to press in. I want you to really feel you pressing your hand into your chest. And then we're going to take a deep breath together. And then you're going to repeat to yourself these three sentences. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. And as you say those sentences, you will feel yourself come back into your body. As you say those sentences and you feel your hand pressing in the center of your chest, you're going to feel yourself go from kind of tight shoulders and up in your head and you're going to feel yourself relax and come back down into your body. As you exhale and you take that long exhale, that signals to your vagus nerve.

It's okay. That downshift that you just felt, that is your body switching from the sympathetic on-edge state into the parasympathetic state and feeling more calm and relaxed. If you have a work meeting and it doesn't go well, go back to your office, go to the bathroom, give your heart a high five, teach your kids this because if they have a stressful day at school, they can do this as well. They can learn how to locate the switch and bring themselves back into a calm state.

This is magic. And more than magic, it's science. And so that's why I want you to know that there are these six simple things that you can do in order to practice what you just learned. And that, by the way, is nervous system repair. You hear the phrase nervous system repair and you think it's some big, fancy thing? No. It is you recognizing, whenever you feel a surge of emotion, it's you recognizing when you get triggered because

you're lashing out or shutting down. And then it's you using these tools in that moment to repair the wiring. Put your hand on the heart, take a deep breath, to repair the wiring. Put your hand on the heart, take a deep breath, and come back into a calm state. That's what nervous system repair is. And you can do this all day long. And there are some days you're going to have to and there are other days or weeks

that you won't even think about it. Because there will be nothing that's triggering you. And the more that you do this, the stronger that your nervous system gets. And look, this is so important, and I cannot state how big of a deal this is. I mean, I spent my whole life feeling rattled and on edge, and I'm telling you, the second I got serious about healing my nervous system, and simple tools that I just gave you, and understanding the role that past trauma was playing in my day-to-day life and how easily triggered I get.

And when I'm triggered, you want to know what? I'm a shitty mom. I don't even like myself and don't even get me started about what a nightmare spouse I can be when I start getting nervous around edge and the trauma just comes up through my body. And I even make the people that work for me nervous and on edge when I'm starting to get triggered and intense. I am a better leader, a better parent, a better wife, a better friend. I am a way better human, a better male,

in terms of who I am, how I show up, and what I'm experiencing, because I have gotten serious about repairing my nervous system, and I know you're going to feel this too. And I want to just give you two other tools that you can use that are going to help you get started. Because if you really resonated with Jessie's question, remember she's like, I've never gone to therapy, never thought of myself as having trauma.

This conversation has been a game changer because I'm starting to realize, wow, I am dealing with past trauma like every other human being on the planet and I don't know where it came from. And now I don't know where to start to identify where the wiring is or how to heal this. So let me just leave you with two easy things that are going to help you get started. The first one is auditing your day for triggers. Just keep an out book and start to notice when the wave of emotion comes up. And notice whether or not for you the trigger makes you shut down or get emotional or whether it makes you feel frustrated.

And all you have to do is just write down what happened? What was the trigger? Was it a particular thing? Was it something that somebody said? Was it a person? Was it a look on the face? Was it smell? Was it like, what was the situation that made you feel that way?

And what was the feeling that you got? Where did it start in your body? And just get curious about it. Not like, oh, something's wrong, but just like, oh, interesting. I wonder where that faulty switch is. I wonder where that little nick is. Where's that little mouse that chewed on something

that's making that's a blinking light? That's all that is. So get curious about it. And then start to ask yourself, when you get home tonight, you sit down, it's kind of quiet, go, when else have I felt like this? When else in my life? Or who else have I felt this around?

What situations were, did I have a similar thing? And you'll start to be able to trace back. And that is a pattern of responding to a certain type of situation, a certain way. And so you can do this free audit, and that will help you become more self-aware. And that then helps you to apply the tools you just learned in those moments when you feel the surge coming. It also helps you avoid those situations. It helps you talk to somebody about those situations. And one other thing that you can do, journaling is an incredible way to either start or end your day and start to forge

not only new neural pathways, but new stories and new awareness around these things. And so one prompt that you can use that we've talked about is how can I make this easy? Another thing that you could do if what you're seeking is peace, is you could write how can I make today peaceful? How can I make myself feel safe today?

Those are all prompts that you can use to cue your mind, body, and spirit, and your nervous system. That this is something that matters to you and to really just gain awareness around it. Because you can take control and not let this response that has been with you for a very long time, continue to control you. And that's the opportunity here that's really exciting. If you feel like there's big things that you can't access, that there's this missing piece, that happiness is evading you, that you just can't quite put your finger on why you're in the cycle of relationships.

I'm telling you, please take your nervous system seriously. The Vegas nerve is incredible. The new research coming out about the therapeutic modalities that are helping trauma and depression all going back to nervous system regulation. Incredible. And your kids are experiencing situations that make their nervous systems sound the alarm. And so you can teach them these tools too. And when you do what you're training yourself to do is you're training yourself to locate this power source inside

you. Because we all know there are going to be things in life that trigger you, period. There are going to be moments where I walk on snow and I go right back to that car crash. But I don't have to let that memory or that trauma experience then ruin the rest of the day. I can come back into my center and turn the light switch off. I can find my power. There are going to be plenty of people that tell me no in business.

And I get bombed and I get rattled and I go down the rabbit hole. And I can soak in my misery and wallow for a little bit, and then I can locate the switch inside me, and I can turn the alarm off. And so can you. And when you do, you will discover that not only is there a whole different world out there waiting for you, but there's a whole different you waiting inside of, that will allow you to experience happiness and presence at a capacity that you can't imagine. Like, if you've ever gotten a puppy or a kitten, or you've ever had a baby, or you've ever fallen in love. These experiences make you realize you have a capacity for love that's greater than you realized.

And doing the work to locate the Vegas nerve and flip the switch on and off and settle my nervous system from disruption and dysregulation and on edgeness to calm cool OK-ness. It's been the single biggest change I've ever made in terms of the impact that it's had on the quality of my day to day

life. And so we're going to do a shitload of shows on this. And I'm going to introduce you to all kinds of things that you can do over time. But for right now, I want you to go to melrobbins.com slash calm, C-A-L-M, and you can download a free companion guide to this episode that is gonna help you get started. And in that free companion guide,

I'm including journal prompts, the exercises that I mentioned, we're summarizing the research and the things that you've learned in this episode. It's filled with all kinds of awesome stuff for you. Why? Well, because this is a paradigm shift and it can be overwhelming when you first start to realize that this is what's going on. And repairing your nervous system is going to have such a big impact on your ability to feel more joy, to let more love into your life.

And I know you're going to be sending this episode to so many people that you care about, that I wanted to make sure that you not only had an episode that was a great resource, I wanted you to have a resource in your hands too, to help you really work through and apply what you've just learned to your own life. And I know that this download is going to help you do just that, because you and I were just getting started on this. You've already started thinking about ways to be happier and healthier. And what we've talked about today, it's a huge component of it. And so please, please, locate that switch and start flipping it off.

that switch and start flipping it off and you'll be shocked. I mean it's just awesome. All right and I'm telling you all this because I love you and I'm gonna tell you that in case nobody else tells you that today. I love you, I believe in you. I know that switch is in there, I know you can locate it, I know you can calm your nervous system, and when you do, holy shit. Will you experience a better life? And I still want that for you. Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days. I gotta go take a bath.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Stitcher.