The Neighborhood Listen - "Bluebell Ear", Noise Parties and Grateful for Pillows with Edi Patterson

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Burnt and Joan are comin' in hot this week with Calix, the woman who loves pillows (Edi Patterson), Joan's "Bluebell Ear", side to side sleeping and a complaint about a noise party. Plus, Doug is in the crawlspace!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is. All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets.

And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest, Edie Patterson. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone.

You've got the NeighborHap app and us. Burn. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen.

Welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen. I'm Burt Mia Payday. And I am Joan Pedestrian. And we are your hosts for this look at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. Oh, that is right. That is right. I like how you did that. Thank you.

You looked shocked for a second, and I thought, am I doing the wrong thing? Well, I just, it was like I was on the edge of my seat. I thought, oh, what's going to happen? You know? But Joan, you do know what's going to happen. I know. I just, I like that you always come up with a different way to sort of welcome us back to the podcast.

Thank you. Well, I'm trying to keep it fresh for the listeners. And, you know, you're walking that fine line between we have, obviously, we have people that are faithful listeners. That's right. And we have people listening for the first time. That's right. Yeah, first time listener, right? That's a whole thing.

It is a whole thing. No, I mean, usually it's first time listener, long time listener, first time caller, right? Long time listener, first time caller. Someday we should do one where we can get calls in that would be fun wouldn't it I would adore that Doug could you figure out

how to do that to get calls on a podcast yeah what a tone well he's in the crawl space oh is that where he is yes he's in the crawl space

above the bonus room oh that's and and yeah there's no phone up here well my boys used to hide up there

all the time and I wait wait what'd you say Doug why did you feel it was necessary to point out there's no phone up here well my boys used to hide up there all the time and i wait wait why why did you feel it was necessary to point out there was no phone in the crawl space well you're trying to get phone calls no no we're not i see what's happening i see what's happening we didn't mean right now there's not enough air up there doug are you okay yeah can i ask joe why the crawl space that seems like a curious choice of places to be because my boys boys used to hide up there, and they used to make scary sounds and scare me and sort of make me feel like the house is haunted. There was this whole thing for a very long time. This was Matt and Jom.

That's correct. And they would be up there and doing these crazy sounds, and I didn't know what was going on. What was it? Can you give me? What I'm saying is the acoustics in that crawl space end up being amazing because they really weren't being that very loud, you know? As a matter of fact, I think it's maybe we're getting a little, I don't know what the technical term is, not feedback exactly, but a little bleed, a little sound bleed of Doug through the vent. Oh, yeah, that's correct. Did you ever see that movie Crawl Space?

I thought you were going to say vent. And I was going to say, no, I haven't seen the movie Vent. But I haven't seen the movie Crawl Space either. Oh, it's terrifying. It is a cheap, cheap horror movie. And it's about a guy who runs a motel and only lets hot ladies in the rooms. And then he crawls through the crawl spaces and he spies on them. What a scoundrel.

Oh, it's terrible. It's absolutely terrible. And my boys knew that I knew that movie because I told them it scared me. And they did it on purpose. I think that's why they did it. I think that's where they got the idea. In the movie Crawl Space, does the motel manager, does he ever go, He doesn't.

He just kills the women. So he spies on them for a while. It's much worse. He spies on them for a while and he says, I gotta kill him. Yeah, and there's a really weird part at the end where he puts on

women's makeup. It's very, very creepy. Not that there's anything wrong with a man putting on women's makeup, but if you're putting it up in the context of about to kill them,

then I think you can say it's creepy. I think any behavior is fair game when you kill people. Yeah, I mean, if you collected baseball cards and say, oh,

he's looking at his baseball card collection and he goes, kills those women. That's not really something that anyone would argue, right? I think that that's, yeah, that's a good statement. That's a clear statement. Once you cross the line and become a murderer.

Right. All of your behavior is suspect. Everything you're doing is creepy. That's right. And creepy. I agree. I agree. So that's why he's in the crawl space.

Is it not good? So the reason is because the boys used to hide in there and scare you. No, because I learned how good the acoustics were. Oh, I forgot that part. And as we're trying to find a good sound for him. Yes. Because that's what we've been trying to do. That's why we're moving them all over the place.

But I don't know. Is the goal for the sound to be better for Doug? Well, that and it's just where the equipment, it seems like wherever the equipment is too, that seems to affect how it is. I don't know. I'm new to this so as am i you know as am i i have speakers set up and then i mic the speakers so it does that's how you record i think i don't know you mean like i'm new to this i don't mean like when you'd have that old tape recorder and you hold it up to the radio to make your own? Yes. But much more advanced.

Is that how you're doing that? Have you been doing it that way this whole time? Oh, yeah. But these are nice Bose speakers. But this might have been the problem all along. Okay, well, we're going to have

to get into that. That's why I need a good space to record. Right, and you thought crawl space is probably... It sounds warm in here. It sounds... Is it warm?

Is it also warm? It's extremely hot. Okay. Are you going to be... Are you okay? I think I'm okay. I'm okay. I'll tell you what,

his mosquito bites are only just now going away from when we had him outside at the porch just a few weeks ago. He started to look like himself again. Yeah, exactly. He was pretty swollen.

Yeah. Now it looks like he's wearing a Halloween mask of his own face. That's right. Yeah. Let me ask you this, Joan. The bonus room, it still remains unfurnished, right?

You will never furnish that room. Well, ever since the boys set fire to the pool table, no. We have not put anything back in there. Oh, God. Because honestly, I was like, why bother? It was such a nightmare. What was it? They said they were playing some specific game when they set the pool table on fire.

Yes, they were trying to do their own water world show. Right. Yes. And they set up a whole entire model on top of the table, right? It's like the Universal stunt show, right? Oh, yes. We took them out to L.A. We did the whole thing.

We did the Disney. We did the Disney. We did the Universal. The thing that stuck with them was the damn Waterworld show. Well, I'm with them on that one. As far as I'm concerned, you could have just skipped Disney. Oh, come on now, Burns. And gone twice to the Waterworld. Skip Disney?

What's wrong with you inside? Is the child inside of you dead? No. You know, of course I've been to to Disney and I consider myself very childlike. But when I saw that Waterworld show, boy, oh boy, they really put on a show. They sure do. Better than the movie. The boys were, well, I mean, almost anything is, right?

But the boys were, they were transfixed and they just wanted to recreate it. So, you know, they got their He-Mans and they got their G.I. Joes and they got all their guys and they built this. It was pretty incredible. They built a whole, you know, model and it was amazing. Deacon, the Mariner. That's right. The Smokers.

Right. Helen. I think that I can't remember who they made play Kevin Costner. I think he was a Ken doll that was missing a leg that was July a piece that she had gotten very mad at me once and she threw it across the room and his leg flew off. And he's one legged Ken. And I think that they just put sort of a leg went missing. The leg. We cannot find it.

We just can't find it. I'm going to find it someday. It's going to be terrifying. Or one of the dogs is going to find it. Are you. You feel that you're going to be it's going to startle you when you find this doll leg. I think it might be disturbing. Just a disembodied doll leg.

It's kind of scary. Well, you know what? I don Just a disembodied doll leg? That's kind of scary. Well, you know what? I don't know what your nightmares are, Burnt, but that's one of mine. Fair enough. Fair enough. We each have our own nightmares, and we can't dream each other's nightmares.

We each must dream our own nightmares. That's profound. Well, I didn't mean it to be. I feel like I need to unpack that, Burnt. I can't even get into that right now. But yes, they started this design. But you know, there's a couple explosions here and there. Of course.

In the Waterworld show. You're telling me. Yeah. Well, that was the part that they were most excited about. And I mean, let's just say they used a little bit too much lighter fluid. And before I know it, the alarm's going off. And I'm down in the kitchen. And I'm thinking, I burned something.

Oh, is that? Can you hear me? I think something. I just messed up. Okay, here we go. Did you burned something. Oh, is that, can you hear me? I think something, I just messed up. Okay, here we go. Did you knock out your headphone plug? Doug, can you hear me? Can you hear me? I'm sorry.

I'm wearing these clip-on earrings because I have infections in my earlobes. What happened? I don't even know why I'm wearing them with the headphones because this is very painful. I should have taken them off. It does seem like, and it's too late now, but. Yeah, it's not worth doing it right now. What caused the infections, Joan? I'm so sorry.

And do you need anything? Why wouldn't you come to me? Thank you. I know. Well, I was going to. I was going to. For the listeners, I work at the pharmacy. He works at the pharmacy.

It wasn't you. It was Jonathan. And I don't like dealing with him. It was not your shift. I did go down there. And you know what he told me? He just said put Bactine on it. Yeah.

That's not right. Look, Jonathan. Bactine. Did he even make that anymore? Jonathan is a legacy hire. And his grandfather worked at the CVS, was the first pharmacist at that CVS. I get it. He used to be the pharmacist at the CVS.

Before this branch was open, he was the pharmacist at the CVS on Chester A. Arthur Boulevard. So much pharmacy history. More than. People would be surprised. So much. More than. People would be surprised. Pharmistry. Pharmistry. Thanks. Anyway, go on.

So Jonathan is, he's not particularly interested in pharmacological work and his, I don't know if I should be saying this on the podcast, his bedside manner leaves something to be desired. Oh, no, I agree with that. And he really does think Bactine is some sort of universal drug, a miracle cure. When I showed him, he went, ew. I mean, don't do that.

Don't do that. Oh, Joan, I'm That's what I appreciate about you. Can I take a moment to just raise up Burnt and just say what a wonderful bedside manner he is? And when you go to him, he will help you. He will listen. He's patient. And he never makes you feel like you look like a freak or bad. That's nice of you to say.

That's not, I don't, I'm not trying to, I'm not fishing. I just, I wish Jonathan would not. Well, you didn't have to fish. This fish is coming right to you with a compliment. Okay. So just take it. All right. Just reel it in.

All right. All right. Put it in a bucket for later when you're feeling bad. Okay. Well, did I go too far with that metaphor? Okay. Maybe. I mean, I can't wait too long.

Anyways, I think it was, I'm trying a brand new, I'm trying brand new dryer sheets. a brand new dryer sheets. I honestly think that because I sleep on both sides throughout the night. You're a side-to-side sleeper. I'm a side-to-side sleeper. Everyone knows. Doug knows that. He's a stomach sleeper.

You're very backwards. Face right on no pillow. Face right down on the mattress. He doesn't like a pillow or anything. Right, Doug? You just literally, have you been like that since a kid? Stomach and face. Stomach and face.

He's all stomach and face. So anyways, I mean, not physically. My goodness. That would be, yeah. No, he's got a torso. No, I just, I know the very first time I used those, I woke up in the morning and my earlobes were just on fire and swollen and the pierced ear holes, they just closed right up. They were crusty.

I'm sorry. This is pretty probably gross. That's all right. Not to me. I mean, look, I've seen worse. Well. Let me ask you this. That's fair.

Are these dryer sheets scented? They are. Are they Mrs. Meyers? Yes. Are they Blue Bell? What? It's like you're reading my mind. Have you heard? Is this a thing? Get rid of those. I've seen this. What's going on? Is there It's like you're reading my mind. Have you heard?

Is this a thing? I've seen this. What's going on? Is there a recall? There should be a recall. We call it Bluebellier. I can't tell you. This is like the new romaine lettuce.

I've seen so many cases of Bluebellier and it's terrible. Bluebellier? Oh my God, it has a name? Get rid of those dryer sheets. Oh yes, absolutely. Oh my God. Well, I have Bluebellier. You have Bluebell you gotta get rid of those dryer sheets oh yes absolutely oh my god well i have bluebellier yeah bluebellier get rid of those dryer sheets and i gotta keep the earrings on because you know as a realtor you gotta have all the pieces together you know what i mean i was showing a house yes i just forgot i was showing a house earlier today

for a couple and i you know i had to clip them on and um and i just didn't think i just i popped the headphones on and now it's hurting and to be honest i just don't want to stop so but fair enough we'll just do it afterwards yeah well hey as bill o'reilly said we'll do it afterwards all right uh we should get to we should get to what we're really here to do yes but everybody listen at home if you have bluebell dryer sheets from mr marsh throw them out that's a good PSA okay very few people are immune and Jonathan get your shit together

be a better pharmacist come on I'm just gonna say it I'm gonna call him out I'm not afraid what is he gonna at me is that what they call it he can at me

all he wants guess what this is feedback that he needs Jonathan you're cancelled that's right oh that's what it is

oh yeah that's what July P would say you're cancelled mom boy I hear that every other day alright here is a post from the neighbor hap neighborhood application You're canceled. That's right. Oh, that's what it is. Oh, yeah. That's what July P would say. You're canceled, mom. Boy, I hear that every other day. All right. Here is a post from the NeighborHap neighborhood application that we all have in our phones and laptops and tablets. And this one, this is interesting because these came right after each other.

Oh, okay. These are two posts that came right after each other. Okay. And I want to see if there's a connection. Oh. Brenda writes, noise. That's the subject line oh does anyone else hear this outrageously noise party thumping music three

question marks it's been going on dice 8 p.m i think she means since and it is now just after midnight friday night forward slash saturday morning incredible noise two exclamation points that sounds like she likes it. Well, I can see how that'd be confusing. Now, right after that, at roughly the same time, someone named M, E-M, subject line, loud boom. Did anyone hear like a loud resounding boom around 10.30 p.m. tonight scared the crap off my cats? Couldn't tell what it was.

Sorry. Scared the crap out off my cats. Couldn't tell what it was. That crap off my cats is a very funny image. I don't even know what that means. And helpful. Do you think that these two are related? Because they're coming at the same time.

She was hearing noise from a party, the first person, it sounded like? She said. A noise party. Anyone else hearing this? What's a noise party? Noise party thumping music. Noise party thumping music. Yes.

That's. She also called it incredible noise. Is that a new type of music? Like dubstep? Noise party thumping? Noise party thumping music. Is that a new thing? Guys, kids, let us know.

Maybe incredible noise is its own genre. It could be. It's what I think all the music sounds like now. Do you think that's either one person is hearing a loud boom and it sounds to them like music, or one person is hearing music that sounds to them like a loud boom? I feel like it's, I don't know how one person can hear a constant sound and then one person could just hear one what i want to know is i want to try and i want to know where how far away they are from each other brenda is writing from it looks like

the area is around pine and i'm looking at the... There's a little geotag. Pine and Grover Cleveland Boulevard. Oh, okay. Well, that does have a lot of houses with younger people in them. Anna's writing from Pine and Millard Fillmore Boulevard. Oh, well, okay. It's a block away. That's not far at all. So it's got to be...

So they were hearing the same thing, but they were hearing it so differently. One hearing it as a resounding boom, the other hearing it as noise party thumping music. Noise party thumping music. That's a mystery, but I think they're connected. I think they're connected, but maybe one of them's hard of hearing. Maybe one of them's lucky, and they only heard the one boom. Do you think the one... What's the time difference between the two?

One minute. Oh, well, they're the same, Burns. They have to be the same. And I feel, here's what I think. And the person who's hearing the music, Brenda. Mm-hmm. This could be dementia. Oh, dear.

It could be she was having a stroke. Oh, this is dark. This is a dark way to go. It could be she was having a stroke. Oh, this is dark. This is a dark way to go. It could be there's a gas leak in her home. She hears this boom and it turns into music. Brenda, if you're listening to this, let us know you're okay. I had never thought of these things. I hope she posts again.

Oh, my goodness. Well, it's a theory. So you worried one is actual noise and another is a stroke? It's a theory. The other person hearing the loud boom, maybe, I don't know, maybe the SWAT team was called on the loud party and that was the loud boom. They always get the SWAT team. Dignity Falls SWAT team, it goes right over. That's what they're used for.

Also, kids, please stop doing this. They don't mess around. They don't send the police. They go straight to the, and they send out a bomb squad. They took a battering ram to my door. I remember that. And they had the wrong floor. And they knocked down your door. They knocked down my door. And half the wall. And I'm sitting ram to my door. I remember that. And they had the wrong floor. And they knocked down your door.

They knocked down my door. And half the wall. And I'm sitting there eating my ramen. And I said, may I help you? Understatement of the year. No kidding. And they said, we need you to turn your music down. And I said, well, you could have knocked.

And also, I'm not playing any music. Well, who complained? You know I have to eat in silence. I know you do. Well, I don't know who complained. They had the wrong floor. Oh, boy complained? You know I have to eat in silence. I know you do. Well, I don't know who complained. They had the wrong floor. Oh, boy. It was upstairs.

Well, and I don't know why they wouldn't have just called first. Why wouldn't they call? Why wouldn't your neighbor just come down and knock on the door and say, could you just turn it down before we- No, but it wasn't me. The SWAT team. Oh, right, right, right. Sorry, sorry.

No one was ever called on me. You know, the SWAT team really is, I mean, I got to say, they're a little bit too ambitious. They get really carried away really quickly. I mean, I got to say, they're a little bit too ambitious. They get really carried away really quickly. I mean, I guess we're safe, but yikes. Are we, though? We're not safe from them. No.

I think they spent so much money on that battering ram that they're trying to justify the cost. They were very excited about it. I remember when they got that. They took out an ad. They did. I remember the picture. I know. They were all posing with it like it was a dead shark.

Well, we have to take a break. Yes, we do. When we return. I need to take these earrings off. Yes, you do need to take those earrings off because there's a little seepage I can see. Oh, God. Is there? Oh, no. Yes.

I didn't want to. Better that you hear it from me. Oh, I just dry cleaned this dress. Okay. Well, I got to take it off. And when we return, we will have our guest right here in the studio on The Neighborhood Listen. Hi, this is Ben. And this is for $25.

It's Stillman's Complete Endgame Course Chess Strategy Book. I'm asking $25 or best offer. The condition is like new, slash excellent, slash very good. I guess pick whichever one sounds best to you. It's the Chess Strategy Book by International Master Jeremy Sillman, and it's perfect for chess enthusiasts it's a helpful tool for people who want to improve chess playing skills or critical thinking or strategy skills it's an enjoyable read um and like with all my books no highlights

no missing torn or wet pages i mean these pages are like the sahara desert i'm willing to lower price if price is reasonable once again let's go over reasonable prices if i say 25 and you say 20 that's within the realm of reason if i say 25 and you say why don't you give it to me for free and paint my yard? I'm going to be like, no, that's unreasonable. So if you want to learn chess or if you want to get better at chess, or if you just want to read about chess, get this book for $25, OBO, or best offer, Ben. Welcome back everybody to the Neighborhood Listen. And you should know the earrings are off.

And I have got some cotton balls that are absolutely taking care of them because Bernd just told me a little Vaseline. And I'll tell you what, Bernd, this is already working and making me feel so much better. And rewash your latest load of laundry and do not use the Bluebell dryer sheets. Do not use those dryer sheets. Man, and they're supposed to be so, you know, homeopathic. I know. Mrs. Myers, this is a rare misstep. Oh, Mrs. Myers.

Yeah, more like Mrs. No, couldn't do it. What were you going to say? I was going to say misstep, but then I realized she's Mrs. Myers, not Miss Myers. That would have worked better. I'm still working on my wordplay. You know, it's a thing. Misstep Mrs. Myers, not Miss Myers. That would have worked better. I'm still working on my wordplay. You know, it's a thing. Miss Step Myers. Oh, Miss Step Myers. Bert, you did it. Good job.

Okay, so we have a really interesting gal in here right now. She's fascinating. She's fascinating, and I've never, first of all, I think she wins the award for longest post I've ever seen. This is certainly the longest we've had on the show. Definitely the longest post we've had on the show.

Yes. Yes. So settle in. Yes. Get comfortable. Get yourself a pillow that has not been washed with Mrs. Meyer's Bluebell dryer sheets. And just listen to this because the theme is pillows. And isn't it kind of funny, Bernd, that a pillow is what caused me trouble and this

gal's all about pillows. That's exactly right. This is so interesting. Serendipity. Well, this is a theme. Synchronicity. Synchronicity. So this is a theme.

This comes from Calix, and she says, I am grateful for pillows. We all have radiosyncrasies. I more than most. One is that I am fond of an abundance of pillows in my bedroom. more than most. One is that I am fond of an abundance of pillows in my bedroom. The nightstand on my side

of the marital bed, now I haven't heard that in a long time, is stacked with pillows, four or five with three more against the wall on my side of the bed.

I'll leave it to the armchair psychoanalyst to figure out why I take comfort in so many, many pillows at my disposal. Last night, all but one ended up

in the service of arranging my nocturnal nest. But usually, it's only four or maybe five in total wind up on the bed itself at night. In the morning, all of the superfluous pillows go back to the nightstand when I make the bed after my best beloved leaves the house for the safety of their quote-unquote day gig. I have a lot of questions about just that one sentence. So I hope we get some time on that sentence. lot of questions about just that one sentence.

So I hope we get some time on that sentence. It's astounding to live in a place and time when a non-royal, a true peon such as myself, can indulge in such extravagance without seeming overindulgent. Even at minimum wage, one can acquire a pillow, even a pair of pillows, carefully shopped with only an investment of a single hour's worth of income. I want to know what she does for a living. I do, too. And where is she getting all these pillows? And what are the prices of the pillows?

There's so many questions. In less than a day of work at such wages, I could easily replenish my sleeping stock. Now, okay. There's still more, Bert. I'm not done yet. Is she buying the pillows every day? I know. Hang on to those questions.

I hope you're writing them down. I am. It's highly unlikely that anyone reading this who desires a pillow remains wanting for one. Is she buying the pillows every day? I know. Hang on to those questions. I hope you're writing them down. I am. It's highly unlikely that anyone reading this who desires a pillow remains wanting for one. When the vast majority of humanity throughout history struggled to keep a roof above to prevent rain and snow and walls to prevent the elements and animals from distracting from their sleep. Still going this sentence. That I can willfully feed my desire for comfort with an abundance of pillows on my nightstand is truly something for which I should realistically be grateful.

So, everybody, we were able to get in touch with Calyx and she is very pleasantly agreed to come and discuss this post with us. Please welcome Calyx. Calyx, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me.

Calyx, you really love pillows i love pillows i love to i love to create a safe and comfortable pleasurable place in my marital bed you you certainly do now you say marital bed you are you're married yes okay and could you tell us a little bit about your husband? I'm very, your partner. Your partner, yes. Who is your partner? Very interested in hearing about this person. Very interested. My partner is my husband. You guessed correctly. Okay. Okay. Ding, ding, ding. Prizes, prizes for the lady. Are you saying ding, ding, ding? Ding, ding, ding. Prizes for the lady. Oh, because I won a prize guessing correctly. I get it. It did sound like dig, dig, dig. It sounded like dig, dig, dig. Andzes for the lady. Prizes for the lady. Oh, because I won a prize guessing correctly. I get it. It did sound like dig, dig, dig.

It sounded like dig, dig, dig, and I thought that might have been his name. Well, I do sometimes also say dig, dig, dig when I'm making my pleasurable nest for my sleep. Oh, sure. Well, your nocturnal nest, as you called it. My nocturnal nest. Yes, yes. I pretend I'm a big cat, and I dig, dig, dig until I get at the exact right hole for my... Oh, do you make biscuits like the cats do?

Well, I don't enjoy that freeze. Oh, I'm sorry. I think it's offensive to cats and people who like to dig, dig, dig. Oh, you're talking about when they need something with their paws and claws. It's a sign of trust from what I understand. Oh, is it? Yes. Oh, well, it's funny because I do that to Doug all the time.

Is that so? We've had a good relationship, I guess, then. Well, I wonder if it's as good as mine. Well, now, that's what I wanted to ask. I'm just going to cut right to it, Vern, because I am on fire with curiosity. Who is he? Was that what you asked me? Well, no, I wanted to know, first of all, what you meant by the safety of his day gig

and why you put day gig in quotes and what it is that he does every day. Well, I'm pretty proficient at jokes. And I joke with him about the safety of his day gig. As he leaves, I joke and say, oh, are you going off to the place where you feel safe? Because it's a joke that he doesn't feel safe in our home. And you're sure it's a joke? It's a joke. And doesn't feel safe in our home. And you're sure it's a joke? It's a joke. And we laugh and we kiss.

And why would you even have to make that joke? Do you think the pillows creep him out? Well, I don't think so. He prefers one very flat pillow on his side. But I don't think he minds my nocturnal list because every now and then I wake up in the middle of the night and he's wedged himself in. So he sort of finds his way into the nocturnal

nest? Yes. He says it happens against his will while he's asleep. But I think he gets sucked in. He gets sucked into the nocturnal nest and I think he enjoys it. It's almost like you create a little planet with its own gravity

with all of your pillows. It's funny you say that. I've been doing a little research on this and I think a properly made nocturnal nest does exactly that. It pulls in

it pulls in what it's supposed to pull in and it attracts. Is there a lot of research about this kind of thing? More than you would think. Well, okay. Certainly, that's true.

Let me ask you, why did you put the phrase day gig in quotation marks? Yes, yes, yes. Well, because sometimes he goes to it at night. It's mostly during the day, but every now and then it's at night. So I like to joke and say he's going to his day gig. Even though it's mostly during the day. It's mostly during the day, but every now and then on, you know, every

other Saturday, he goes at night. He walks the perimeter of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Oh, like at night, a security guard making sure that no one's nothing shady's going on. Yes, but he's not allowed to have

any sort of weapon, a taser or a fake gun or anything. Well, what's he supposed to do? Well, he's just supposed to say, hey, you're not supposed to be back here. So there is an actual security guard at BB&B. And that's not him.

So he's not like the lookout. No, he is the perimeter walker. That's just what he does. Yeah, P.W. How long does... P.W. He must get a lot of steps in. How long does he walk all night?

He walks for about seven and a half hours. Good gravy. But now he mostly does this during the day. Yes, mostly during the day. So wait, it's when people are there. When the store is open. Oh, so how does he... No, who is...

What's he really looking for? He's looking for people who are. When he says, hey, you shouldn't be here. Right. I thought he was talking to one person who snuck in at night. I forgot, Bert. That's what I assumed. You're right.

Thank you for reminding me. These are shoppers. These are shoppers. So what's he looking for? Well, he's looking for people who maybe went to the wrong door or people who are trying to smoke around the back corner. Does that happen a lot? Yes, every now and then a fair amount. Those are the two problems.

Someone going through the... Well, also children who are trying to draw the building with chalk. Does that happen a lot? That happens. So wait, he's outside of the building. He's outside of the building. He gets very hot. Walking around it. Yes, he gets very warm and dehydrated. Thank goodness. I have to send him off with smart waters and Gatorades every day.

Is this the BBAB that's on Ulysses S. Grant Boulevard? Yes, it is. Okay. I think I've seen this guy. Oh. He's very handsome. He actually is very. He's very handsome.

But sort of, you know, that sunburnt look or that sort of leathery skin. He's got very leathery skin. Very leathery skin. Yeah. Like, you know the way that people used to consider handsome? A very leathery man. He's very in the old school vein of handsome. Uh-huh.

Like a Kirk Douglas. Oh, like a Kirk Douglas. Like a darker Kirk Douglas. A Burt Lancaster. A Burt Lancaster Kirk Douglas type, but with harder skin. E.G. Marshall. Yes. That's a deep cut from a long time ago, Bernt.

12 Angry Men? I know, 12 Angry Men, that's right. His hands are very pale, though, because he keeps them covered. Oh, that's what he keeps covered. You'd think he'd wear a hat. Does he not wear a hat? No hats. Why? Because he needs people to see his gaze. If he looks at someone and says, get up, what are you doing back here?

The part of his job is he has to connect with their gaze. So it's mostly kids smoking. What's the problem with someone coming out of a door? Well, it might be the wrong door. Maybe they weren't supposed to exit there. They're going to have to take too many steps toward their car.

I see. So it's a courtesy thing. It's a courtesy thing. It's also a security thing because not many people know this, but Bed Bath & Beyond has bits of gold hidden behind their buildings. What? And they don't want any order to find it. That seems like a crazy thing to announce on this podcast. Good lord. Are we meant to know

that? I don't. It sounds like it was a secret that she just let go. If you could remove this part of the film strip later, we will. It's not a film. Anyways, that's fine. I don't think you need to explain. No, it's alright. We will edit this part out. You're fine. You're absolutely fine. So he's sort of like the opposite

of a greeter. He's the opposite of a greeter. He's the opposite of a greeter. He's a pusher a wearer. I'm sorry, a what? A pusher a wearer. A pusher a wearer. Except with me. Well, now I have a question. Is Bed Bath & Beyond where you're getting all these pillows? Do you get a great discount?

I get a great discount. I get most of my pillows there. That makes sense. Not all, but most. Now, when you say Calix, and it's, by the way, it's C-A-L-I-X. It's not a plural of Calix. No, it's C-A-L-I-X. Yes. And the X is bold. You say

in less than a day of the X is bold. Yes, I see. It's darker. In less than a day of work at such wages, I could easily replenish my sleeping stock. Are you constantly overturning the pillows? Yes. Many, many people do this, but it's not healthy to sleep on a pillow after a week and a half.

A week and a half? What? I had not heard that. I have not heard this. Yes, it becomes full of mites and germs. Well, but that's why you get, and you can get them at Bed Bath & Beyond, that's why you get the dust, the cover that keeps them out. Well, mites are, mites are,

what do you call that? They don't heed that. Tenacious? Mites are tenacious. You have tenacious mites? Yeah, I suppose I do. You're not going to, you're not going to pay me

to stick around and find out. Well, I wouldn't. I don't think that situation will present itself. Anyone would. What is your job that when you talk about, it sounds at first like maybe you're not making a lot. Then it sounds like maybe you're making a whole lot by the hour. I make a fair amount. I make more than minimum wage.

But I wanted to make the point that someone making minimum wage could still have a pill. Okay, fair enough. So what is your job? I cut horses hair into beautiful designs for their shows. Oh, for horse shows? Yes, I cut for the horse shows. So

like you give them, like you just trim their manes and their tails. Well, let's not oversimplify it, asshole. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know anything about the equestrian world. Please educate us. All right. Well, I have four different types of high-end scissors.

I go to the horse's place of residence. Place, like a stable? Yes, like a stable. Yes, like a stable. I take my four high-end scissors and I spend about five and a half hours with a built-in lunch break. Five and a half? Wow! That's a lot.

Let me hear you. I don't know a ton about horses. All right, well, let's get into it. What are, how many, I, how many designs are there that you could cut into a mane and tail? I didn't know there were many different possibilities. I thought you could braid the hair or not. Is this like you're doing, like, when people turn a shrubbery into an animal?

Is this the kind of stuff you're doing? Exactly. Have you ever seen Edward Scissorhands? Yes. I love that movie. It's wonderful. Tophieres, have you heard of them? Yes. Of course. That's what I do with a horse's mane and tail. Oh, wow. But correct me if I'm wrong. Sure.

The hair doesn't necessarily have the same consistency of a topiary. Are you doing like a moose? It's like a limp. I put a ton of hairspray in it. Okay. I put a ton of hairspray in the horse's mane and in its tail. Then I cut shapes, including rabbits and gladiators, into the tails of the mane. Now, gladiators, maybe I understand, but why rabbits?

Well, because a lot of people think it's cute to look at a horse and say, well, what is it? Joan, I have a question for you. Why do gladiators make sense? I guess, well, okay, look, full disclosure, I'm a Russell Crowe fan. Doug knows. He's on my list of five. He's on my bucket list.

He's on my hall pass. Your bucket list before you die. Listen, let's make it both. List of five. Sorry, Doug, did you hear that? Loud and clear. I just desperately think it'd be so fun if, you know, we just had a dalliance once and he yelled, are you not entertained?

I mean, right? Don't you think that's what he yells? Probably in the moment? I think so. Oh, gosh. Anyways. I used to enjoy following him on Twitter when he would talk about his workouts. Oh, gosh. I never did that. He would just post on there how many push-ups he'd done.

Oh, boy. What a man. Then he'd promote his band. Yes. What is it? Something Grunt. 30-odd foot of Grunt. 30-odd foot of Grunt. Couldn't remember anything but Grunt. Who else is on your list of five? Well, we talked about this before. One of them is Tom Brokaw.

One of them is Timothy Oldfont from Justified. Oh, boy. That's right. But not from Deadwood. No, not that one. No. No, no. And I think Conan O'Brien.

Is that four? Oh, is there one more? Am I missing one? Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe. Timothy Oliphant. Timothy Oliphant. Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw. And Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien. Oh, I think it was because it was, if I could go back in time. If I could go back in time, it would be Laurence Olivier. Sure. Because, I mean be Laurence Olivier. Sure. Because, I mean, Laurence Olivier. From Marathon Man.

Sure. I mean, many, many things. But most people know him from that. But anyhow, the point is, when I hear gladiator, I think of Russell Crowe on a horse. And I just thought, okay, well, that kind of makes sense. Especially on a main, the gladiators rode horses, you know. So I just, that was an easier connection for me to make than the rabbit coming out of a horse's butt well because people like to say like what did we come

here to see horses or when did we come to a rabbit show and then they're having more fun than they thought they would oh alan rickman sorry i forgot yes he's our minor as well. I forgot. I forgot. That was the other one. I'm sorry, Kellex. Mine are all fictional characters. Oh, please tell. The Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey.

Okay. So Maggie Smith, but not. Only if she's the Dowager Countess. Yes, that's exactly right. Charlize Theron from Aeon Flux. I love how specific you are. Like, you really aren't kidding. Yes, that's exactly right. Charlize Theron from Aeon Flux. I love how specific you are. Like, you really aren't kidding.

Well, yeah. So Charlize Theron shows up at your door normal. You're like, no, thank you. No, thank you. Wow. Joan Crawford from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Well, God, at least you didn't say Betty Davis from that movie. No, I think Joan Crawford is gorgeous in that film. By the way, that's what the crawlspace guy looks like at the end of the movie.

Just like that. For sure. Yeah. Jodie Foster from Nell. Oh. And finally, revenge crazed killer, Sadie Adler from the video game Red Dead Redemption 2. Oh, no, I don't know that. My boys play that, but okay.

I don't know how you'll ever achieve those. Well, I won't, but it's nice to think about. Sure, sure it is. Hey, let me ask you, Calyx. Ask me anything. There are zero replies to your post, but have you got any feedback in person from people in the neighborhood?

Yes, I've gotten a few knocks on the door of people wondering, can I see it? Can I look at all the pillows? They want to see them. Yes. I've got one caveat. If you want to see it, you have to take a little nap and experience it. Oh, and I can't imagine anyone said yes to that. Well, I've had one taker.

And who was that? It was a neighbor. Her name was Martha Clark. Oh, my. Do you know her? No, that doesn't surprise me. Martha Clark. She'll try anything once.

Well, yes. It got confusing because we had a rendezvous the other night. Oh. Yes. Oh, my. Well, that's quite a nap. Yes. Now, do you want us to edit that out, or is it okay if your husband hears that?

Yes, please cut that part of the film straight. We will. What is your husband's name again? Shahor. Shahor? Shahor. Shahor? No, wait.

Spell it for us, please. S-H-A-H-O-R. Shahor. Shahor. Let me ask you. Yes. I'm it for us, please. S-H-A-H-O-R. Shahor. Shahor. Let me ask you. I just, I'm trying to get a picture. So you pile the pillows up on the nightstand. How high up do they go?

Do they reach the ceiling? They go about one inch from the ceiling. And why do you put some against the wall? It sounds like they're never anywhere except for against the wall. Well, I'm trying to Marie Kondo my place. So you're picking pillows that give you joy. Well, yes, and I'm trying to make it organized and minimal.

So I'm not trying to take up a lot of floor or bed space with them when they're not in use. Are you okay? Do you need some water? It sounds like sometimes you're choking. No, not choking. Okay, I'm just concerned. No, just happy. Just happy? Okay. I'm sorry. Well, I was just going. No, just happy. Just happy? Yes.

Okay. I'm sorry. Well, I was just going to say, we are running low on time. I could spend so much time. I know. I wish this was a two-parter. We shouldn't have talked about our hall pass. We really should have talked about our hall pass. We really should have some time away from you, Kellex.

I certainly should have brought up people that didn't exist. That was pointless. What? Kellex, who's on your hall pass? Let's include you in this game. Fair enough. Yeah, right? Fair enough. Well, we've got one crossover in Alan Rickman. Oh, who's on your hall pass? Let's include you in this game. Fair enough. Yeah, right? Fair enough.

Well, we've got one crossover in Alan Rickman. Oh, I love it. Gene Wilder. Huh? Tim Curry, but only from Rocky Horror Brick. Oh, and that's kind of like you. That's a crossover. It's a fictional character.

He's number six on mine. No, I just meant in terms of a fictional character, burnt and silly. Laurie Metcalf. In anything? In real life. Right. And I guess Conan O'Brien. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. I mean, look, it's not a question of, everyone's up for grabs. I can't claim him for my own. But what if we're both at a cocktail party with him? Who's going to get him? I wouldn't worry about it. Well, you never know.

You say that now. I know. Maybe this podcast will blow up and people will start meeting famous people. I don't know. Maybe we'll go to a podcast festival. Maybe we'll go to a podcast festival. Maybe we'll go to a podcast festival. Maybe Conan will hear this and won't he be flattered? He sure will.

Well, Calyx, he'll love that. Great. Well, Calyx, thank you so much for being with us. And we planned a little surprise for you. Yes, that's right. What is it? We have a pillow for you. Oh, my God.

It has our logo, The Neighborhood. Listen on there. And we signed it. We signed it. Thank you. Is this a bi-pillow? Yes, my God. It has our logo of the neighborhood. Listen on there. And we signed it. We signed it. Thank you. Is this a MyPillow? Yes, it is. Thank you.

It's your pillow. But it's the brand. It's MyPillow. Oh, I didn't. I don't. That's right. That's right. He's a religious man.

He loves the pillow so much. As much as he loves Jesus Christ. And he hugs the pillow to his bosom. And you can see his cross peeking out. His chest hair. Yes. It he hugs the pillow to his bosom and you can see his cross peeking out of his chest hair. Yes. It's a wonderful pillow even if you don't agree with this ideology. Thank you.

You're welcome. It's the least we could do, Calyx. Thank you so much for coming and talking to us. Could I take a little nap here before I go? That's up to you, Joan. It's your house. Maybe just a quick one. Great. See you in two hours. Oh, that's quick for you. Joan. It's your house. Maybe just a quick one. Great. See you in two hours. Oh, that's quick for you. Yeah.

Okay. All right. And I'm gonna need a big spoon, one of your boys. Oh, they're not here, honey. They're not here. Okay, well, we'll just wait till they're back. Well, will we? We'll sort this all out. Okay, thanks. And we'll be back with more of The Neighborhood Listen.

Hey, what's up? It's Wendy. I'm giving away eight jars of Beech Nut baby food. My vet assured me the cats would love it, and they don't. I have beef, turkey, and chicken flavors. I don't have any babies. Please text or call me. Maybe I should just get regular cat food. Or maybe I should just get a new vet.

And welcome back to... Oh, welcome back to The Neighborhood. Listen, we just have time for one more post. Calyx is napping. I tried to not have that not happen, but it was, as Bernd will attest, it was very tricky to persuade her out of the house without her sleeping, and we're just hoping that

she doesn't wake up when we're recording. And as soon as we're done here, we're going to have Doug crawl out of the space. That's probably best. Yeah. We'll see if we can get her out. She, of course, she wanted to wait for one of the boys to return. So she's put a big spoon in them.

They are at school. They're at school. They're at the college. So we reached a compromise where she took one of the cushions from the couch. She did. And she's using that as a surrogate little spoon. She put together sort of a fake body for herself. Yes.

He's one of the boys back. No, honey. You can just go back to sleep. Just go back to sleep. So I was just going to talk about this one post that I thought was very, well, kind of sad.

So I'm just hoping that this guy's okay. We all know Game of Thrones just happened. Do you watch the show, Berndt? I watched, I feel like, the third season. Oh, now what a strange choice. Why? What prompted that choice?

I've been talking about it, and so I thought I'd check it out. Couldn't make heads or tails of it. Did you flip a coin? Speaking of heads or tails? No, no. People talked about the first season. I was like, I've got to check that out. Second season, oh, yeah, that's right. That show, I've got to check that out. Second season, oh, yeah, that's right.

That show, I got to check that out. Third season, I'm like, here we go. So as it was playing out in real time, you watched the third season. You didn't have all of the seasons. You just decided to pick it up in its third year. That's correct. That's correct. You must have been very confused.

I was somewhat confused. And then I meant to watch more of it. And then I forgot. Okay. Well, all right then it, and then I forgot. Okay. Well, all right, then. Yeah. I just forgot. This is from Owen, and it says, full set of Game of Thrones whiskey, parentheses, minus Tyrell.

He says, I have the full set of unopened Game of Thrones whiskeys, except for the Tyrell. It includes seven bottles. Cardu Gold Reserve, House Targaryen, Kleinlish Reserve, House Tyrell, Dalwini Winter's Frost, House Stark, Lagavulin Nine-Year-Old, House Lannister, Oban Bay Reserve, Night's Watch, Royal. These are all, in case you're not familiar, named after characters or things in Game of Thrones. Well, no, these are actual, that's not true.

In the parentheses. In the parentheses, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, I'm sorry. The other ones are, I get it. They're actual, they're us. Listen. Well, I didn't realize how much you knew about. Well, Doug loves whiskey. I can't, I mean, he absolutely, he's been, yeah, he just, quiet, Cal, it's just like, see how good those acoustics are? That's what I'm telling you.

It's a little too good. He loves whiskey. In fact, I know he wanted, in fact, I'm surprised that Doug hasn't picked this up yet because he would probably be into all of these. Does he? I don't know if he even... Doug, do you look at NeighborHap ever? Excuse me, what? It's a good question.

Are you on the NeighborHap? Are you looking at it ever? No, I don't have apps. That's right. I don't use any apps. He has a flip phone still. He still has that flip phone? Yes.

And I mean, he has an iPhone, but he just doesn't like to use it. He uses it every once in a while. And I just keep talking. I can't get him out of that. He uses it every once in a while. Yeah, I make him. I make him sit down and try to, I want to make sure all the phone numbers that he needs are in that thing. Because that's what I'm going to call him.

I'm not going to deal with that flip phone. I can't even believe it still works. It seems like, well, okay. You still have it, right? I just feel like if he's not using the phone, you'd want to call him on the flip phone. I understand you're trying to train him. I'm trying to train him.

To use the iPhone. I'm always trying to train him. That's what's going on. That's married life, right? I'm kidding. From what I understand. You're not wrong, Bernd. So, and the last one is towelisker Select Reserve. See, that's

the one that I know that Doug loves that one. House Greyjoy. House Greyjoy, that's right. And the final two, Royal Lachnagar, 12 year old, that's House Baratheon, and Talisker Select Reserve, that is House Greyjoy. Now, some of those words are familiar to me, of course. Oh, because you kind of did watch the third season. I did watch the third season of Game of Thrones.

I just am sad because this is a lot of whiskey to buy for one person. And then did he not have, was he hoping to have a party and no one came? And also, why go all the way to the end and not get Tyrell? What's up with that? Is it hard? Is it, is it, is it, is it? It looks like he says Tyrell. Look at it.

It says, it says right there. He has the Kleinlish Reserve House Tyrell. So what's he saying? I'm confused. Oh, I'm sorry. She's awake again. She's awake. Is one of the boys back?

No, they're not. Neither one of them will be back until actually they get their first semester break, which is weeks from now. So I'm sorry. Do you like whiskey, Calix? Love it. Okay. Well, maybe, listen, do you want all this whiskey? You should contact Owen because he can't get rid of it.

He can't get it off of his- Well, I don't want it if it doesn't have Tyrell. But you know, well, I think she's right. I think she's right. He probably drank that one. This is very, okay. Now in the picture, there's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight bottles. One of them is black.

Black as a knight. And doesn't look at all like the other ones. Doesn't look like whiskey. It looks like a bottle of wine. And that's the Obon. That's the knight's watch. How do you know? Oh, you zoomed in.

I zoomed in. I did the thing where you do the opposite of a pinch. Right, right, right. And which one's the Obon? The Obon is the knight's watch, and that's why it's black. Oh, that's why it's black, yes. Well, that's kind of fun. So he has seven.

He says minus Tyrell, but then he lists Tyrell. It's very confusing. It's very confusing. Here's what I think. Okay. And this is my theory. When I was young, there was something called the pepsi challenge oh i think i remember this and if you saved the bottle caps from pepsi cola okay they had a letter underneath the cap oh and if you spelled out the word challenge uh-huh you would

win a big prize that's exciting very exciting especially to a child. As a kid, oh, come on. Of the world of wonder, Willy Wonka and such. Yes, yes. And I remember trying and trying to get that challenge spelled out, and it was the A was the hardest letter to find. Oh. So many E's, so many L's, N's, G's, C's, H's, everything but the A. And I wonder if the bottle that he's missing, which is not Tyrell because we see that he has it. Correct. If he just couldn't get it and he just, like I did, gave up.

Oh. He said, I don't want to look at these anymore. It sickens me. Oh. Is that how you felt? I felt betrayed by corporations for the first time. Well, that was a good early time to learn it. That's just going to let you down.

Yes, it was. And I'm grateful to Pepsi for showing me how the world works. Absolutely. Well, then this just makes us all the more sad to me. I mean, I do hope that Owen's okay. I hope so, too. He doesn't seem to be saying that he's selling them. No. He doesn't. He's the that he's selling them. No.

He doesn't. Mr. Price. I'm telling you, I think this is a cry for help. Like he wants someone to help him with that? Well, like. Help me drink these. No, help me with my life is what I'm getting. Take these off my hands.

I mean, that's not. I just I have a full set. It's not. It's almost like it's not even. You're right. He doesn't even sound like he's getting rid of them. It's like a brag, but a sad brag. He is just saying, I have these.

He's just saying, I have them. You know, you're right. We're the ones who inferred that he was trying to get rid of them. Because that's what you normally do on this app. But he's just telling us. It's not that much different from our friend Calix. No. Who just wants to let people know.

And you just replace the pillows with whiskey. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Is it the semester break? It is not. No, it is not. Is it what? It's still exactly. Is it the semester break? It is not. No, it is not. Is it what? It's still today.

Is it the semester break? It's still the same day. It's not my semester break. You have not hibernated. And you know what? I think it's time to wrap up. I think it's time to wrap up. And I think it's time maybe for you to head home, Calix, to your partner.

All right. Well, I guess call me a black car. What? Oh, what? You mean like an Uber? I know. I mean like a nice black car. What? Oh, what? You mean like an Uber? I know. I mean like a nice black car. How did you get here?

I had a black car bring me. What about that one? Where'd that one go? I'm not going to pay for my way home. Oh, I guess we didn't think about that. I mean, perhaps there should be a budget worked in, I guess, to transport people here. I just thought everyone would drive themselves. Usually they have, or they've walked over.

Yeah, just walked or biked. No, no, no. A black car. I like to lay in the back with a few pillows. Okay. Maybe Doug could give her a lift. And Kellex, I do see you're trying to take my couch pillow, but I do need that. Why do you think that?

Well, because it's under your shirt. Uh-huh. And it's very obvious. Most of it is sticking out. Most of it's actually not under your shirt. Uh-huh. Well. And it's very obvious. It's most of it is sticking out. Most of it's actually not under your shirt. Ever heard of fat shaming? Okay. Well.

We're done here. That's all the time we have for this week's edition of The Neighborhood Listen. Thank you so much for listening. Bye. And goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye.