The Neighborhood Listen - Half-Hidden In A Woodpile with Andy Daly

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Burnt is adjusting to his new home life, Joan gets more involved in the twins' latest project, and Doug gets a green thumb. Later, the three of them share their outgoing voicemails. Joining them this week is Stan Daniels (Andy Daly), who has been spotted placing an unusual item around the neighborhood.Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock this episode and ALL seasons of The Neighborhood Listen ad-free, as well as full length exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With new McValue and McDonald's, you get more than you expect. So after a long day, buy a double cheeseburger and add a McChicken for a dollar. Because saving with deals is always on the menu with new McValue. Prices and participation may vary. Valued for item of equal or lesser value. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise and character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes

of The Bonus Room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership. And now, please enjoy this episode of... The Neighborhood Listen! Knock, knock! Who's there? Your neighbor. Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone

You've got the Neighbor Half app and us! Bert! And Joan! From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell We'll cover it all! And meet new neighbors as well! We'll chat about any posts you're missing So just tune in to the neighborhood listen.

Welcome everyone to the neighborhood listen podcast. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of dignity falls through the lens of its residents. My name is Burt Mia Payday. I'm a pharmacist here in dignity falls. I'm the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Fallsmacy. I of course graduated from pharmacy college at Mount Olymp Hills. As we discussed briefly last week. And with me as always is my fantastic co-host. We co-host together. Please introduce yourself. Oh, I thought you were gonna say,

please give it up for Joan Podestrian, but you made me do it. Okay. Please give it up for me. Joan Podestrian. Who's giving it up? I'm kidding. I just like it when people say, please give it up for, you know, I go to lots of open mics. It's very fun for me. It is funny to give it up when you think about it. It's assuming the audience is not going to correct and then you

have to admonish them to give it up. Then you would introduce somebody that will walk out to silence. But I'm imagining that there isn't silence. I am Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor here. I am Joan Pedestrian. Well, you know what?

I saw you right before you started your intro. You really got in character. If I may use a local actress term. I am a local actress here in Dignity Falls. Some would say the local actress. I would say a local actress term. I am a local actress here in Dignity Falls. Some would say the local actress. That someone is me. You cut me out of the equation. Well, I appreciate your endorsement.

Thank you so much. Thank you for your support. I like to say you're my favorite actor, Joan. Oh my gosh, you do. You like to say it. I'm glad you like to say it. I enjoy saying it. And yes, we are here.

I'm very excited. We talked a lot about you last time, Bernd, about your couples therapy experience with Gabby. No, it was not too much. I love learning new things about you. You don't think I'm in legal trouble, do you? Discussing the therapy outside of the therapist. No, if we had her on and she discussed it, you know,

with all of us, I think that that would be, that would be probably a breach of privacy. You're talking about the therapist. Yes. What was your question? What did you want to know? Why would you be in trouble? No, you answered my question. Oh, great. Okay, good. I'm so glad to know. So how is it going right now? Can I ask about it for an update? Can I ask about an update? You can ask about an update and I will give you that update. Thank you. I'm going to consider the request for the update has been submitted. I put in a request.

And now I'm waiting to hear back. That request will be granted. Great, I'm so excited. It's going very well. Good. Have you moved in together yet? Yes, well, bit by bit. She's coming in very slowly.

Like bodily, like just a toe. It's coming in very slowly. Like bodily, like just a toe. You said bit by bit. I did. I did not mean literally Gabby herself is coming in gradually. But I can understand your confusion, I suppose. She is, she's moving one thing at a time,

one item at a time. So it'll be like a box of, you know, just like a banker's box. A banker's box. Yes, filled with items. So it's like a reverse firing. She's bringing in a plant and a file. That's right.

And she's happy. She's happy. When you see people getting fired and they have those banker's boxes, there's always a plant sticking out. There's always a plant. And what it reminds me of is old sitcoms when you would see somebody coming back from the supermarket and there would be the greens from a carrot, a bunch of carrots coming out.

Oh yes, always, always. You know what I also hated is that it looks like on television shows they use paper bags, but they're not paper bags. Like they're made of some weird synthetic sort of material so that it won't, it won't get really over overused and break apart. Did you not know this? No, I didn't know this. Take a look next time. Next time you're watching a sitcom from the nineties. Okay. And you will see that a grocery bag does not behave like a paper grocery bag. It looks like it's made of rubber or something. I can't explain it.

I've gotten to feel like it's all one solid piece. Here's, do you know why I know this? Here's why I know this. Why do you know this? You said've gotten to feel one. Do you think it's all one solid piece? Here's, do you know why I know this? Here's why I know this. Why do you know this? This is, this is a little- You said you got to feel one one time? No, and the one time was yesterday. Let me tell you what's happening.

Torn from the headlines, like law and order. This is- So, so, you know, the twins that who are living at the house, they've been really, again, for anybody who forgets, my twins, of course, I'm talking about my twins, Matt and. Cool Ranch. And Cool Ranch. Matt and Cool Ranch, they did, they.

They did their prank show. They did their prank show. For the Chick-fil-A streaming service. And it did not get picked up. It didn't go. And it really hit them hard. Yeah. So much that they did not enjoy fire. They are known pyromaniacs. It did nothing for them. They're dead inside. That's so surprising to me. It's awful. They're so upset they can't enjoy even fire. I never thought I'd be sad. I never thought that would make me sad. You know what I mean? I hear you. So what they did is they got their heads together and they literally, they literally

got their heads together. What? They did. Because I said get your heads together. That's what they thought it meant. But you know what's crazy? They bonded. They're in their 20s, are they not?

They bonded. When I say they bonded, sorry, what? They're in their 20s, are they not? Oh, that doesn't matter. They would do that in their 40s. Listen, you know Matt and Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch is always the instigator too. He always is the instigator.

Yes, but everybody loves Cool Ranch. Everybody loves Cool Ranch. What's so good? Why is he so great? I don't, he- There's something about him. There's something about him. He's addictive.

Yeah. Couldn't have just one, that's why I had twins. You could almost feel yourself getting sick if you had too much of him. You really can't. My love for him is almost poisonous. Anyways, they, in this moment, they really did bond it. And they came up with an idea.

They're like, mom, we're going to write a pilot, a different one, like a regular, like a scripted series. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And they're like, we wrote a part for you. And they actually wrote it for you. And you know what they've done? They've done it's Mr. Doubtfire. And you know what they've done? It's Mr. Doubtfire.

Everybody said, we're gonna shoot it in the house. It's perfect. We have all the locations because we have like 150 rooms, you know? And we just started shooting yesterday. We did a table report. Can I take a guess? Can I take a guess as to,

cause I feel like it's not just a gender swapped Mrs. Doubtfire. Right. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm imagining it is a housekeeper, Mr. Doubtfire, pretending to be their father. Do I have that correct? Or pretending to be their mother. Wait, what?

So Mr. Doubtfire is a man. Listen, listen. No, okay. Oh, you know what? Sorry, hang on. That is, you know what's so crazy? When they work for the Chick-fil-A streaming company, they would never, ever provide them food, you know?

But now since they have a writer's room for Mr. Doubtfire, I do provide Chick-fil-A for them. So that's the Chick-fil-A. So I have to go, babe, hey, babe, can you go get it? They're still eating Chick-fil-A for them. So, so it's- That's the doorbell. That's the Chick-fil-A, so I have to go, babe, hey babe, can you go get it? They're still eating Chick-fil-A, even though someone is here. Well they weren't, they didn't get to eat any. Oh, babe.

Oh, you wrote lyrics to the doorbell? He wrote lyrics to the doorbell. Yes. You want me to get it? Babe, why do you sing? I'm sorry, are you busy? Well, a little bit, but that's okay. I mean, he is recording the show. You should definitely go get,

I guess I'll just leave it at the door and I guess it's fine. You don't have to go get it. They'll leave it at the door. They'll leave it at the door. Where are you, babe? Why are you so busy? What room are you in? I'm in the Orangerie.

The Orangerie? What does that mean? Is that a new word? No, it's actually quite an old word. To him, maybe. It is, is the old, you would conserve the fruit trees. The old conserve the fruit trees. It was the old you would conserve the fruit trees.

You know, the old you would conserve the fruit trees. Come on, Burn, get with the program. Well, that is an expression here. Oh, it's the old conserve the fruit trees. It's funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember. So they say it, but then they're like, oh, it's the old conserve the fruit trees. It's like, oh, it's the old conserve the fruit trees. It's funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember.

So they say it, but then they're like, oh, it's the old conserve the fruit trees. It's funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember. So they say it, but then they're like, oh, it's the old conserve the fruit trees. It's funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember. So they say it, but then they're like, oh, old conservatism. It's so, it's funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember. So they say it, but they just slur their words. They just sort of work through it. Oh, the old conservatism. You know, it's almost like a greenhouse or an aviary. But it's not. It's not.

Almost like a greenhouse or an aviary. You know why it's not either? Because we already have established we have a greenhouse and an aviary. That's why it can't be them. That's true. That's why it can't be either. So it's an orangery. Yeah, an orangery.

So do you have like orange groves growing in there? Are you preserving just actual oranges or conserving them? Orange groves, lemons, we got dragon fruit. Orange groves, plural. That was not the question I asked really. Orange groves and lemon trees or just lemons? Loose lemons, trees.

Lemons, these are very pretty. You have built, you have so much. Why have a lemon when you can have a lemon tree? Unlimited lemons, don't you see? Wait, are you, are you okay, babe? Is that from a commercial for lemons? Sounds like it is. It's an old, old, old piece of wisdom.

Now the lemon tree is very pretty and the lemon flower. Oh, sumptuous smell. Little shitty. It's sweet. What? Oh, I thought you were going for a rhyme. Did you say little shitty? Yes, because it rhymes with pretty. I'm sorry.

Oh, he just can't stop rhyming. But the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat. Oh, I see. Yes, you are right. It's the old song, but you did it in spoken word and you know what it had different meaning because of that. It sounds more ominous when you speak it. Lemon tree, very pretty. And the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat.

Oh, well now you did it very differently that time. You did it very differently that time. Okay, that was like a ghost story. I was picturing an old lady in a werewolf movie, like Scarf of Her Head. I was picturing an old lady in a werewolf movie, like Scarf of Her Head. Oh, I was picturing an old prospector at a fire. Isn't that interesting? An old prospector at a, oh, like a campfire.

Yes. Not like watching a building work down. Like a fire starter situation. He probably did it. The arsonist always goes to watch. And the arsonist is always a fireman. It's always, they're always in the department every single time.

That is true, isn't it? It sure is. It sure was in back draft. So anyways, they've got, so yes, they're eating. That was the food. He'll go get it. Now I can't remember. All I can tell you is that they are working on the concept but the whole point is supposed to be that, yes, no,

this is a mom who falls out with her family. Right. She's no good. She's really fucked up. Right. And, sorry, babe, I only get three swears every season. He gets really mad when I swear. That's all right. I said the brown word. It's okay. I'm sorry. You said the brown word? What does that mean?

He said shitty or brown word. Wow. Now, okay so. So anyways, and so in order to get back into their favor, she dresses up as a what? What has she done to fall out with the family? Was this like I had an affair? Squandered the money, the family's money?

No, it's just that she had an addiction to gambling. Wow, that's heavy. Well, they wanted it to be serious and funny. You know, if we're going to do what we're going to do it. What happened? No, I have not seen Mrs. Doubtfire. You haven't? No. Once again, this is a movie podcast. And I don't feel I need to. How can we always end up talking about movies? Here's everything I know about Mrs. Doubtfire and I feel like I know it all. Let's have it. Are you sure? Is this going to be just like Back to the Future? No.

All right, go on. Back to the Future, I specifically do not remember that first five minutes where the speakers blow them away. We've been through it, yes. Here's what I know about Mrs. Dalfire and it's all I need to know. I'm very confident in this. You really are.

I know. Hello. I know. You're 50% there. I know. Hello. I know. You're 50% there. I know, run by fruiting. Oh, I knew you were gonna say it. I knew I should have taken bets. Drive by.

Now I've been castigating over this before. No, no, it was a drive by. It was drive by, trust me, because I've been doing my research. I just watched, I watched it five times in the last 24 hours. Joan, five in the last 24 hours. Joan, five in the last 24 hours? I was gonna, I balked at five times.

Then when I processed 24 hours, that's so many viewings of Mrs. Delfar. Well, we're on a deadline. I really have to get the research in. Why is there a deadline? They don't, Cool Ranch said there was. Cool Ranch. They're writing this on spec, I assume.

Cool Ranch really drives a tight ship. And their heads are together. And they glue their heads together. They refuse to separate them until... They're afraid that if they separate them, then it'll like mess up their vibe of like writing. Okay. They're afraid if they de-glue their own heads,

it will mess something up. Not improve things. All right. So Mrs. Okay. So here's what I'm saying. Hello? Hello? Drive-by fruiting.

Okay. Yes, yes. Don't at me. And the whole time, the whole time, the whole time. Oh, Sally Field, Sally Field dream role. Oh God, unfortunately I'm- Dream role? Yes.

Is that role a less than thankless role or a more than thankless role? It could have been, but Sally Field made such a meal out of it. I mean, God damn it. Yes, she was thrown, she was given nothing and she turned it into a feast, a feast for us. So literally anything else I need to know about Mrs. Doubtfire, face in the pie. Walk like a man.

Tits on fire. I feel like we've had this exact conversation. We have not. It's not fire, tish, I've been walking like a man. Yes. Yeah. They'll believe me. I'm having hot flashes.

Listen. And I told them, I don't look like a lady. I understand. Walk like a man has no place in this, in this. And I, and weirdly the thing that weirdly the thing that is most fascinating to me about Mr. Doubtfire is it's based on a book. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh no, the twins have to make sure they can get the rights.

Oh my God, they have to get the rights. Oh no, off the tactical ranch. Or change the name. Or change the name. Well, maybe Mr. Doubtfires and up. Mr. Shore Mud. Mr. Shore Ice. Ice is the opposite of fire.

Mr. Shore Water. Mr. Shore Water. Mr. Shore Water. That sounds amazing. You're covered. Okay, we're fine. No, I mean, Bert, honestly, you really have summed it up. And I'm glad that you included Sally Field's performance

because that is really, yeah. And yes, it's true. When I saw that, I was like, I want to play a role like that, but instead I'm playing Mr. Doubtfire. But what a challenge, you know? And I did mention it to them. Listen, this story has become problematic over the years and they assure me that it's going to be fine.

So this woman is, she, she's terrible gambling addiction. And, um, and she, uh, it's really about the importance of, of healing. And she tries to avoid going to a facility and she escapes. Healing is important. Well, you know, like a place for gamblers, you know, these places you have to escape from them? You can't just walk out. Listen, Bert, I'm telling you,

I am reading the one sheet that was given to me by my two conjoined glue head sons. Understood, understood. Okay? Glue head sons. It said, it said, Mr. Doubtfire, it just bullet points, it said Mr. Doubtfire, they spelled it wrong.

How did they spell it? D-O-W-T-F-Y-R. They've never seen it even in print? The movie's been around for a long time. I just watched it five times. Said Mr. Doubtfire, mom has bad gambling debt, sent to facility, escapes facility. It doesn't say how.

It doesn't say how. It just kept using the word. I think that they feel fancy saying facility. Have you heard their newest plan after Mr. Doubtfire takes off and makes our voice? Yes. They've already made plans. Yeah.

We haven't even, they haven't even gotten through a full script yet. They want to put on a Mr. Doubtfire fest. That doesn't surprise me. That does not surprise me. What a terrible idea. Is that why I overheard cool hands talking on the phone and he's talking to somebody named Ja.

So is Ja Rule involved in this? They know Ja Rule quite well. The twins know Ja Rule. How do they know Ja Rule? And how do you not know about this, Ja? It's true. There's a lot of things I don't know about my boys, it turns out.

Well, they were out of the house for a while. God knows what they were doing. Yeah, that's true. Again, as I always say, I'm just happy they're alive. Yeah, and not setting fires. Yeah. Hang on. I just have another question about this orangery.

The orangery. How big- Yeah, that's right. Says it like it's been on the tongues of people for years and years and years. It's very old-worldy. I need to know, have you been working on this and these are saplings that just became trees?

Or did you like order, or did you bring full trees into our house? I moved our trees. We have a few fruit trees in the back. I moved them into the orangerie. You took my trees out? You took the trees out. They're in good hands now.

They're going to be good hands now. They're going to, they're going to thrive like they never but they were doing great. They were doing great in the yard, honey. Like they were doing great. They were doing okay, but things are, you know, we don't know what kind of weather events we're going to see. Oh, I had to say this, but Doug's getting, he's become a bit of a conspiracy theorist.

A weather conspiracy? Of the orange conspiracy. That's been, you know, around on the streets. What's the orange conspiracy? That's on the streets. Babe. I don't believe it. They're going around.

It would be better if Doug explains it. Yeah, I think it's best. Absolutely, he's the one that believes it. Yeah, I don't want it. They're using, they're going around. It would be better if Doug explains it. Yeah, I think it's best. Absolutely, he's the one that believes it. Yeah, I don't want, I don't want any part of it. All right, Doug, hit me with all the details of this orange conspiracy. The Dignity Town Council has been taking people's oranges. Allegedly, this is all allegedly, everybody.

They use it for their sick feasts. What do you mean they've been taking people's oranges? Like they're going around picking oranges off the trees in people's homes? Yes, it gets that bad. And then they use it for, did you say sick feasts? Yeah, they're sick feasts. What does that mean?

Do you understand, you hear yourself? This is just, this is stupid stuff that people peddle online. What are you talking about? Sick feasts. They say that they have- Are you on Sixchan? I'm not on Sixchan. I stay off that stuff. All right. I hope so. Sixchan is a local- It is. It's a Dignity Falls website. I do go on dark Facebook at the library. I'll do that.

But it's a nice place. Well, that's nice. Yeah. Dark Facebook is reasonable. People get along. That's ironic. Dark Facebook is actually the nice one. Yeah.

Oh, babe, this is not, it's not. They have these sick feasts underground. Underground. Turkey legs and they're squeezing oranges everywhere, sloppily. What's wrong with that? Gourcing themselves. That's not a great conspiracy theory.

On our oranges. On our oranges. So they're eating turkey legs and just squeezing oranges. Among other things. Are you going to mention the other things? What are some of the other things? I mean, this doesn't sound that sick. I know, you really have the energy of where to start,

but I feel like we're already done. Some say they eat people. Oh, come on. I am so tired of this. This is nonsense, babe. Turkey legs, oranges, and human flesh. With orange, like a- Oh, that's why they're squeezing the orange.

Orange chicken, it's like an orange chicken. Orange chicken. Yeah. Okay. This is, you know what? I really need you to stay off the internet for a while, babe. Okay. Do you believe this Doug? Do you truly believe this is happening?

Yeah, really? I like the idea of believing it. Why? More than I believe it. What? The idea of believing it. This makes no sense. Yeah, what does that mean, Doug?

It's fun. Okay. You know what? You know what? That's an honest answer. Also, it's it's it's win win because we get fresh oranges all year round. I don't see it as win win. And I get to hybridize. It has holes in it now. Oh, I'll fill the holes up. With what?

Pavement, concrete. Pavement. Concave concrete. Fill that hole with pavement. With what? Pavement? Cave concrete? Pavement. Pavement. Concave concrete. Fill that hole with pavement. I'm working on hybrids, lemon oranges. You got key lime. Oranges? Is that good?

I don't know that an orange lemon would be good. Lemon orange. Lemon lime. Lemon lime is a different thing. That would be lime. Key ingredient to Sprite. Okay, but babe, that has nothing to do with oranges. What's the whole ingredient? Lemon lime is a different thing. Key ingredient to Sprite. Okay, but babe, that has nothing to do with oranges.

What's the whole ingredient? Not to Sprite cranberry. Doug, you got me there. My house is a circus right now. Let me just tell you, I don't know what's going on. Guava, passion fruit, papaya, lemon. Stop naming fruits. Please stop listing fruits.

We've got to go to break. Painting a picture of what this could develop into. I don't, I have no idea what's going on. In the orange tree. In conclusion? The orange tree. How long have we been talking, babe? Oh boy, here we go.

Here we go. It takes forever. I don't know why. I can't imagine. Maybe because I'm on the stand defending myself. Oh. Joni got you. To the real plot back. I've been gotten to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm going to be the one to go. I'm going to be the one to go. I'm going to be the one to go. I'm going to be the stand defending myself. Oh, Joni got you.

I've been gotten 22 minutes. Okay, perfect. We should take a break. We should. We should. We should. We shared a good time just now. And now it's time to take a break.

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Hi, it's Laura and I have an Easter bunny costume with basket and it's free The face is cut out I Didn't like the way the face looked It was mocking me When I looked at that face, I don't know it made me feel small and weak Made me feel unimportant and like the face so I cut it out. But then I had the cut out face just lying around. And I tried to mock it. I tried to say, ha, ha, ha. Now who's small and unimportant? You're just a face. but it still looked at me the same way it's

laughing at me face with laughing at me well I'm laughing now because I made the face I made the face look like my face and now when I look at it and the face and the face looks at me and says you you're small. I say, you're small. You're small because your face looks like my face, but I have a whole body. You're just a face. Anyway, kids love it. Happy Easter when Easter comes around again. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, It is time to talk to our guest. Now here's what we do.

Every week we go through the NeighborHap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we find an interesting post, bring the people on to talk about it. Sometimes it's the person who posted, sometimes it's the subject of the post. This is true. Thanks for backing me up. You're welcome. And this is one that was sent to us from a listener. Again, if you would like to, if you, if you think you see a post that we should talk about, you can screenshot it and send it to us at Burt

and Joan at gmail.com as Andrea McMillian did. Thank you, Andrea. What a name. Thank you, Andrea. Andrea McMillian. Well, it's M-I-L-L-I-A-N, which sometimes is Macmillan, but that extra I makes me think. It's Macmillan. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I would do. All right. This is in the crime and safety section. This was posted by someone named Steve and Steve writes, the weirdest thing just happened. My cam caught a guy pulling in my drive. He got out and put something by my gate and left. I went to check and he had half hidden

a white chocolate Hershey bar under a piece of wood in my wood pile. And he enclosed some pictures. There is the white chocolate Hershey bar. There's a far away picture where it's circled and then it goes in close. Oh, it sure is. White chocolate Hershey bar, there it is.

There is under the piece of wood. That is odd. That is odd. Anyone got a clue as to what's going on? And then vehicle color red type four door. Okay. And who do we have here today? We have here the very person who put that white chocolate under the wood pile. Oh wow.

Sir, would you please introduce yourself? Yes, thank you, it's very nice. Would you talk to the microphone? This is the microphone? Yes, you're very far away. I'm sorry, I haven't done this before. I've never been on it. Oh, that's okay, welcome.

Welcome to the kitchen island. He was over there by the stove. I'm very comfortably talking. No, I had no idea that we would think such a, I guess it's not such a, it's a very, what do you call it, a unidirectional. Yes, you have to get right up on it. Absolutely.

Talk right into it. Well, this feels very strange. Oh, goodness. Are you used to speaking in a different microphone? I have never, I don't know that I've ever spoken to a microphone before. Oh. I do my talking face to face, man to man.

That's so interesting, because you know what? You sound like a sports dancer right now. What a voice. Really? You sound like a natural. Here come the, there you go. I don't follow sports? You sound like a sports dancer right now. What a voice. You sound like a natural. Really? Here come the, there you go. I don't follow sports well enough to do a good job of it. Here comes the team out coming onto the field.

There you go. And it's, the crowd is, everyone wants to root for the home team. You know it's sounding less like a sports car. It's, you know, the spirit is there, just not the words. Exactly. So what is your name? Do we get to get your name?

Stan Daniels, don't call me Dan Staniels. Oh. Wouldn't dream of it. Wouldn't dream of it. That's why I say it every time I tell them over there, I say, Stan Daniels, don't call me Dan Staniels. And it confuses people.

Sure, it makes them want to say it. Honestly, it did make me want to say, Dan Staniels. Don't say it, don't say it. No, don't say Stan Daniels. That's what happens. No, that isn't. It's Stan Daniels, don't call me Dan Staniels.

You're right, now I don't know. You're right. It's Stan Daniels.. It's Stan Daniels. Don't call me Dan Stanniels. You're right now, I don't know. You're right. It's Stan Daniels. His name is Stan Daniels. Don't call me Dan Stanniels. Don't call me Dan Stanniels. That's right. I wish.

Did this come up because someone did call you Dan Stanniels? Many times. Many times. Oh yeah. So you're just getting to the jump. You're getting ahead of us now. That's smart. Getting ahead in front of it, preaching the controversy.

That's right. But it only, to tell you the truth, it has made it worse. Since I started saying that, more people call me Dan Staniels than ever would have before. Yeah, I think it's just because you put it in their brain. It's in my mind now, and it is hard to get it out. I never would have thought of Staniels as a last name until now.

Ah! I know. So can you, I mean, I just want to get right to it. I almost called him Dan. I almost called him Dan. Stan, I'm not going to, I wish you had Stan. So you, so you, I'll answer to you.

Oh, you. I'll answer to you. Just can you, I just want to ask the question directly. What were you doing hiding? Is it a half, half of a white Hershey T-shirt? I mean, I'm not to ask the question to the question directly. What were you doing hiding? Is it a half, half of a white Hershey chocolate bar?

Nady, you're wrong on both counts. Okay, please clear it up. Please clear it up. This is, I never thought I never thought I'd have to defend myself in public. No, you had half hidden it. Oh, half hidden. But it was a full white chocolate Hershey bar. No, it wasn't for Christ's sake.

Okay, okay, okay. Well then you're here to set the record straight. Hershey's doesn't make a goddamn white chocolate bar. You're in front of a microphone. You don't have to yell. What is this picture, Dan? It's a Hershey's cookies and cream bar. Is it? They don't make a goddamn white chocolate bar. You know what? That actually is a really good point. It's a cookies and cream. Get your facts straight before you go out posting about what somebody's up to. Well now we did post it. To be fair, we did post it.

I know you did. I'm not yelling at you. I'm yelling at Steve. He was looking right at me and yelling at me. In error. Now do you know Steve? I don't know Steve. From Adam.

Okay, why? Why Eve? Okay. Don't call him Adam Steve. Hey, I got no problem with that. I can close doors and mind your business. Oh okay. I'm not sure what that's about.

Speaking of minding your business. What were you doing putting this Hershey's cookies and cream bar under this piece of wood? Have you ever had a cookies and cream bar from Hershey? I have actually. I'm not a fan. Really? Yeah I think I don't like the cookies

and cream flavor in general. Yeah, sometimes the rice crunchy bits, they're a little bit strange to me. Yeah. I can only envy you. These, they've taken over my life. Oh no. Oh my.

These cookies and cream bar. Really? Can you tell us what that looks like? I wish to God I'd never- How does that manifest? Yeah, how does that manifest? I don't stop eating them. Oh dear, dear, stop.

I can't, I don't stop. Do you eat regular meals as well? If I can, if I can control myself enough and have enough calories on the day left over. You know, I'm now seeing that there, it looks, it appears to be there a lot of white chocolate under his fingernails. Yeah, that's for sure. I thought you just had very clean nails, but. No, that's white chocolate.

Cream flavored chocolate. It's a component. When did this start? When did this addiction start? Sorry, I don't mean to call it an addiction, but it does sound like it. It's more than an addiction, it's an obsession. Oh dear.

It's a lifestyle. There's that radio voice again. Well it's horrible. It started about nine years ago. Oh that's a very long time. Oh longer than you thought? I was at a gas station and I just wanted a snack of some kind and I thought let me try this. I like cookies and I love crepe. Absolutely. Hershey's has never made a wrong step as far as I'm concerned. They're unassailable. That's why they've been around so long.

They have been, they've got a whole town named after them. Sure do. It's very true. I can't think of anything Hershey's done that I've objected to over the years. Let's think about it. Nothing's coming to mind. No?

All right. Okay. So I says, I'll give that a try. And I didn't get three blocks away before I had to turn back around and get back to that gas station. Whoa. Wow. That's instant.

And then I, nowadays I go to Costco. I get them in a box of 48. How, I'm afraid to ask this, how quickly can you consume one? Oh, I don't know that I've ever timed myself, but it's as quick as three inhales maybe. It's three inhales? Are you not chewing at this point?

I couldn't tell you. Are these full-size bars? Sure they are. And you're just eating them like a snake. Uh-huh, something like that. Like a man eats a snake or like a snake eats of something else. It never occurred to a man eats a snake or like a snake eats something else? Never occurred to me man eating a snake.

Did not occur to me either. That's right up there with Staniels. I'm surprised that that statement brought a question back to me that I have to answer. Same, same. I eat a Hershey's cookies and cream bar like a man eats a snake. Fast. Before it can bite you. He's doubling bar like a man eats a snake fast before I can bite

you. He's doubling down on the man eating a snake thing. Wow. This is okay. Now here's my next question. Do you live with someone? Do you have a family? Do you have a loan?

Who is with you? Is there someone? Is this a secret addiction or is someone aware of this? No, I live alone, but it's not a secret addiction. It's one of the first things I tell people when I meet them. You're kidding. Why is that? Stan Daniels, not Dan Stannis. And I can't get enough of those Hershey's cookies and cream bars.

Now that's so interesting because he didn't do that here when he introduced himself here. That's true. That's a great point, Joan. Why is that? Why didn't you do that? Because I knew we were going to get to it. OK, it makes sense. That is going to be the subject of the whole thing. I didn't think I needed to. Okay. That was my bad. I apologize. Cause one of the things I tell people, please don't offer me one. If you've got one on the premises,

don't let me see it or know about it. Babe, don't, I know that you have some and I know you really want to give him one, but it's not like, you know, feeding an animal or something. Doug's famous candy stash. This is my husband, Doug, and he's in a different room. Okay. Hey there. What babe?

No, I'm just trying to get it right. Yeah. Who's going through, are you going through it in your head? Oh, the name, the name. I'm just, I'm caught in a loop. You can just say you. Because I'm going, is it? You can just say you.

He said he responds to you. Oh, hi you. Sir, would sir be okay? Yeah, absolutely. Sounds nice. Have you heard of the proper way to taste chocolate? What, babe? You're wrong. Well, I've Have you heard of the proper way to taste chocolate? What baby? What do you mean?

Do you know what just happened? What that sound was? He just ate one. Did you eat one while we were sitting here? It was so fast. I'm right across from him and I saw a slash of white. I just found one in my shoe. Oh, not a shoe chocolate.

I guess it was melted. It went down really fast. That makes sense. What is the proper way to eat? Nothing on a candy bar like a shoe. That's right. I heard about this. I heard this.

Did you just become a Southern? You're supposed to look at the chocolate. I heard about this. It's because he's in that orangerie. He thinks he's a farmer now. I heard about this. I heard this. You're supposed to look at the chocolate. I heard about this. It's because he's in that orangery. He thinks he's a farmer now. Yeah, I'm somewhat of a Grover at this point. But you're supposed to look at the chocolate.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Admire, you know, front and back, top and bottom. Just really take it in visually. Is this any chocolate or any shape? back, top and bottom. Just really take it in visually. You want to smell it. Is this any chocolate or any shape? This is how you really taste a chocolate.

Is this another conspiracy theory? So I can give you a fast break. No babe, not everything's a conspiracy theory. Oh, I know that. This is true. Okay. You take it, you're supposed to admire the snap. Oh, okay.

Snap it. I don't think that chewed chocolate would have had any snap. Oh, okay. Snap it. I don't think that chew chocolate would have any snap. Actually, a chocolate bar. You take a bite and you snap it in your mouth. Okay. That's how you really. That's just called chewing. You realize that this is way more steps

than our friend here could ever do. It's a lot of steps. I want to encourage you to savor the cookies and cream. I couldn't tell you what one of these bars looks like. And then you're supposed to, you just let it sit on your tongue. Oh, there's more. And you just let it melt.

Okay, well who has time for that for crying out loud? I have to ask you, this is with any type of chocolate? Or is the fridge really wanting to narrow down what type of chocolate is this for? For a gourmet chocolate bar. Yes. Like the Hershey's cookies and cream bar. It's like a wine.

It's like a wine. It's much like wine. Okay, and then you spit it out at the end. Hell no. Yes. Into a bucket. You're supposed to let it melt against the roof of your mouth.

Okay. Nobody's going to hear. We are so far beyond this with our friend here. We are so far beyond this, okay? I'm never going to do any of what he just said. Yeah. So, okay, so then can you explain, now that we've established that you have an addiction,

you are very aware of it I mean I want to get to if you sought help But what I first want to get to is please then explain What part of the addiction is hiding one of the bars under someone's rubble pile hiding it is the wrong way to think about it I'm not hiding it. I wanted to hide it. You wouldn't have seen half of it sticking out of the wood And I just want to interject. Did he drive into the driveway? Did he pull up in a car?

Yes, I drove in. All right. So this is all very... Can you make sense of this? So you're driving, you pull up in a car and you don't hide it. You place this down there. What is that? What is this? What is this action? I'll be more than happy to explain it to you. And more than happy to explain it to Steve, if he had just asked me personally,

it would have made perfect sense to him rather than posting it out here. Well, OK, here we are. He might not have been home. He might have been reviewing the footage later. He put it on his ring camera, yeah. Yeah, okay. That's another problem. Let's not have those. Well, I don't know. I don't know about that, but that we can we can we can discuss that another time. So take me through. Most of the things people object to in this neighborhood is because it was caught on one of these goddamn cameras and we never had those before. It is true. You'd have no complaints if you couldn't see what was going on.

Here's what. Okay. A Hershey's cookies and cream bar is 220 calories. Oh, okay. If I walk 1.74 miles at a moderately brisk pace, I'll burn 110 calories. Okay. So what I've done is I've designated a number of areas

throughout Dignity Falls that are 1.74 miles away from my home. Okay. And I place, I'm not hiding, I'm placing. Yeah, well you want to be able to find them again. Exactly, cookies and cream bars and those specific locations. Right.

And then I'll walk the 1.74 miles burning 110 calories and get the bar. And then I'll walk home 1.74 miles burning 110 calories and get the bar. And then I'll walk home 1.74 miles 110 calories for a total of 220 calories. I've burned off the bar in the process of getting the bar. Okay. Can I ask a question? Why not maybe just go to a gym and put the bar right in front of you, walk in a treadmill and just eat it and go home?

I won't do that. Why? You're talking like dangling from a string in front of the, walk in a treadmill and just eat it and go home. I won't do that. Why? You're talking like dangling from a string in front of the treadmill. Yes. But I've thought about all other options. Oh, okay, okay, all right, all right. Because what are you imagining?

He tried to flip the island, which is impossible. Please, Dan, calm down. I can't calm down. Oh no, Bert, you did it again. Yeah, my name is not Dan. God damn it, it's Stan Daniels. He's so upset he didn't even damn it. It's Stan Daniels. He's so upset he didn't even catch it. I was so mad about being told to calm down.

I'm so sorry. So what you're imagining is I join a gym. Well, all right. This part of it. OK. All right. And when I go to the gym, what do I do? Do I get changed into my gym clothes at home? You could you could do either.

You could change in a locker room there, or you could change at home. Where is the cookies and cream bar? You provide it. You bring it with you from your home. No, I'd eat it on the way there. Okay, this is a good point. Then you leave some in a locker. You leave some in your locker that you have at the gym.

I have to join a gym that's got a permanent locker. There's such a thing. That's got a monthly subscription to a permanent locker. That's correct. I don't believe they have it at the Y. Probably not. So I got to join a fancy gym now and keep the permanent locker stacked with cookies and cream. Oh, I really see the problem.

You're a trapped man. It is. And it's another problem because if I say, let's say I go there and I open my permanent locker to take out one, one cookies and cream bar. But there's more than one in there. Yeah, right. I'm going to have a bunch of them. How many, how many do you get at Costco? Like what do you get in a 48? Oh, you said 48. Okay. Box of 48. And then I go right from Costco to the various addresses that I've designated are a mile

Why are you so worried about, do you eat anything else other than these chocolate bars? That's another question for you. Not much else. Oh no. I mean, that's not good. That's not good. Oh, well, my doctor told me it's not good. I don't need you to tell me that. I was just going to ask about the doctor. The doctor surely must've said,

you have to stop doing this. Absolutely. Absolutely. The doctor said, he said, do anything it takes to slow down on these bars. Oh, but he gave you no actual options. He just said, do anything it takes. And then you took that to mean, I'm gonna drive to different houses anything it takes to slow down on these bars. And I said, he gave you no actual options. He just said, do anything it takes.

And then you took that to me and I'm going to drive to different houses and partially hide them under, under rubble. I'm not, I'm not trying to hide anything. I understand you're not hiding it. I'm not hiding it. I'm sorry, placing. Now a certain amount of hiding comes into play

because you don't want somebody else to come along and take it because then I'll burn 220 calories walking for nothing. I know I gotta say, I would never reach for a chocolate bar that's just on the street, ever, ever. Really? I don't think that I would.

No. But I don't like to say never. Okay, that's a fair. There could be an occasion where I see one and I think, gotta do it. Gotta do it. You know which one gets taken the most? You'll be surprised.

There's a house on Japanese maple that has a beautiful water fountain on the front yard. So what I'll do, cause it's exactly a mile point 74 from my front door, I'll put it in a Ziploc bag with a rock and I'll put it in the fountain. You'll submerge it. Yeah, submerge it. And the number of times I've gone to find it

and it's not there, that's the most surprising one to me. Because that one seems the most sanitary to eat because not only is it- It's in the bag. It's in the bag, man, it's not there, that's the most surprising one to me. Wow. Because that one seems the most sanitary to eat because not only is it- It's in the bag. It's in the bag, man, it's in the bag. Okay, so then my next question is, do you have a job? Great question, Joan. And I wanna know how that fits into this addiction.

Steam cleaning. That's my job. I got a steam cleaner in a van. Okay, what do you steam clean? Name something. Well, I honestly- Car cleaner in a van. Okay, what do you steam clean? Name something. Well, I honestly. Carpets, curtains. There you go, carpets, curtains, furniture.

I think I forgot for a moment what a steam cleaner is. Okay, I think you did. I think you did. You know what I was thinking of? A power washer. That's what I was thinking. Very different thing, my friend. I know, I know.

The steam cleaner operates on steam and it cleans things. Yes, I understand. It's in it, it's right there in the name. Yep. Can we call you a clean steamer though? Oh, Doug. Steam cleaner, don't call me clean steamer. Wait a minute.

Steam cleaner, don't call me clean. He got you there, oh no. Steiner, it's different. Steiner got in there. Steiner. Steiner made an appearance. Clean steamer. That's true.

Okay, so then, is your business successful? Is it just you and you go door to door? Oh no. That's not what you want to hear. It's about as successful as it needs to be. I don't advertise. Oh wow. I don't know what that means.

Well, the steam cleaner and the van are both paid off. You know what I mean? I got no overhead. So it's enough to keep you in cookies and cream bars. Oh, it's more than enough to keep me in cookies and cream bars. And really no family? Are your parents still alive?

No, no, my brother and I run the business together. Oh, I see. He said it like I should have known that. Yeah, and he's got a beautiful family. He's doing a wonderful thing. What's his name? He's... I don't know if I should tell you his name.

Why not? His name is Man. Man Daniels. Don't call him Dan Manuel. He doesn't say that too, does he? No, he won't say it. I told him he oughta say it. Because people are bound to call him Dan Manuel.

It's short for manly. Oh really? Manly Manuel, wow. So you short for Manly. Oh really? Manly, Manly, wow. So your folks named, who's older, who's older? I'm older, I'm Stanley. And he's Manly. I know, right.

Oh, I see, okay. So to line up with Stanley, they named him Manly. It's just the two of us. Yeah, we inherited together our father's steam cleaning business. Oh, and what was his name? Which was just a cleaner in the van. What was your dad's name?

His name was Daniels. And he said, Daniels Daniels, feel free to call me Daniels Daniels. So what, what does, what does man, what does man think of, of this addiction that you have? What has he tried to help you? Oh yeah Oh yeah, well, we've had, he's had, staged multiple interventions. Oh, okay. Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? Like I'm not, Stop eating them?

Yeah. I know, I know, but if there's no like, if I show up at a rehab, let's say, I go to Promises. A facility. Yeah. Malibu or something. Kind you can escape from, yeah.

Yeah, they'll tell me. Yeah. They'll tell me. Yeah. They'll tell me we don't do the cookies and cream bars, won't they? Well, no, actually, there are points, but there's food addictions that can be treated, of course. Do you think you would go through withdrawlisous symptoms? I know I would.

Would you go through withdrawlisous? I would go, listen, if withdrawlisous. Withdrawlisous is no joke. If withdrawlisous helped me, I'd go through it. But I've had, of course I've had withdrawal symptoms. I have dreams, very vivid dreams, where the cookies and cream bars are crying out to me. Now, are you able to sleep through the night,

or does the addiction wake you up? Oh, that's such a good question, Burns. Thank you, John. You're welcome. The addiction often wakes me up. I get about, I sleep in stages. Oh, no. It takes me about 14 hours to get a good eight hours of sleep.

No. Wow. How would you get your job done then? To be honest with you, most of the calls we get- That leaves you two hours. 14 hours to get a good eight hours of sleep. It's not efficient, it's poor sleep hygiene, my doctor tells me.

Most of the calls we get for the business, I refer over to man. Oh, so he does the job as well. He does most of it. And he also, he has a second job as an attorney. What was your question? How does he find the time? You say he does most of it. That means you do some of it. Sure. So what do you do? I think he just eats cookies and cream bars. I mean, I'm sure I'm busy enough just keeping the house clean and getting over to Costco. What makes the house so

dirty? I've got a lot of friends. You do? Sure. Now that's important. This is interesting. How do you, you hang out with them? They have not been able to get you to stop doing this.

They don't give a shit. Really? It seems like you would. It's just seems like you're not someone you can make plans with. Cause you have to still say something like, I have to stay home cause I have to have another bar. No, no, no.

I'm reliably awake and well, yeah, I'm off getting bars a lot of the time. Sure. But I'm walking around and I'm meeting people. Are you? And you know, the certain people I see all the time. You're driving to people's stranger's houses and placing bars there.

Why drive there? If you mostly place them a certain distance from your home. If you just walk there, you burn the calories. Yeah. How far away was Steve's house from your house? 1.74 miles, precisely. Yeah, it burns right just along there. He drove that time. Why drive?

Just think for one second before you ask these. I made him angry, I'm sorry. What are you picturing? That I'm going to put Hershey's cookies and cream bar in my pocket and walk to Steve's house and place it there and walk it number one I'm gonna eat it on the way, but you don't need it in the car on the way Why don't you eat in the car on the way? Oh, I don't I started to feel stupid when he was explaining this

I was like, you know what? I was a dumb question and now what prevents you from eating it in the car? Nothing does I have about five of them as I make my rounds It's a race against time. I've got to get these 43 other bars placed before I eat them all. I thought you'd put them in the trunk. That's what I said. That would make sense. I've tried that. Guess what you can do? Pull over and pop the trunk and walk around the car and grab another one of these bars. Have you ever actually made a commitment to try to quit ever?

Of course I have. And what happened? I'm telling you, I have these vivid dreams where there's cookies and cream bars and they've got little, I guess they're pants with suspenders. Right, okay, and as much as I want to hear more description. Oh, they have little outfits. Right, okay, and as much as I want to hear more description.

They have little outfits. Yeah, they wear little outfits. As much as I want to hear about the dream bar's wardrobe, I want to know, not about the dreams you had when you quit. When you quit, did you like try to rid your house of all the bars? Did you make it so that the supply wasn't near you? I keep no bars.

Never again. I keep no bars in the house. That's part near you? I keep no bars in the house. That's part of the, I never keep bars in the house. They're always, they're stashed about at about 40 different houses and locations that are a mile and 74. I have to stand. No, he's not doing well. You know, you're so pale.

You're not getting any nutrients, any vitamins. You're pale with like sort of dark specks. Yeah, you have sort of like, they look like sunspots. It's not unusual. You're so pale, you're not getting any nutrients, any vitamins. You're pale with like sort of dark specks. Yeah, you have sort of like, they look like sunspots. It's not unusual, my doctor tells me this is not unusual that you begin to look like a cookies and cream bar. Like if you eat too many carrots,

your skin will take on an orange tint. That's right, yep, absolutely. Just like that. Science has determined this without a doubt. Whatever it is you're eating too much of, get ready to start looking like it. So Stan, you have said that you've suffered withdrawals, but it seems like you have not made,

and correct me if I'm wrong, any serious attempts to stop eating them, except for occasionally you will try to not eat one, and then you feel the withdrawals. Like you haven't sought out any kind of counseling or anything like this. I don't know what you're envisioning. You think there's somebody that I could go to

who's some sort of an expert in Hershey's cookies and cream bars? Well there's tell me. Experts in, listen, people as we learned from the, what was the, there was a reality show. What was it called, My Addiction? My Strange Addiction. My Strange Addiction, right.

First of all, you'd be a great candidate for that. I mean, yes. I think you'd be a snap. There's people eating couch filling. Yeah. Toilet paper. I mean, you wouldn't believe it. So first of all, maybe watch it. You're going to feel less alone. It'd be real hard to put your couch at a mile and point seven four away from your house. It sure would. Can you imagine?

Just about impossible. All the addictions are eating weird things, right? Are there any that aren't? That's a very good question, Berndt. I only had the two for reference. I thought there was one that was like smelling tuna. Oh, yuck. Smelling what?

Tuna. Smelling tuna. Can I be honest with you? You're addicted to it. Yeah. Yes. What I'm up to is very normal compared to everything you've told me about here.

Right, but that's eating couch billing. Wait, wait, Perl, are we gonna let him get away with this? That's what I'm saying. It's very normal. It's not very normal. There is nothing normal about here. Oh, I can't. But that's eating couch billing. Wait, wait, wait, are we gonna let him get away with this? That's what I'm saying. It's very normal. It's not very normal. There is nothing normal about this. This is a product that's for sale and for the purpose of being eaten.

Of course it is. Fine, the only thing that's different, it's for consumption, but not the way you're consuming it. Not at all, and it's affecting your entire life. And my point is, this show brings in specialists. If there is a specialist for someone who eats a couch, there is a specialist who could, that same specialist could treat your addiction. He'd be thrilled to see you coming. It's like, Oh, just food. Yeah, we got this. We got this. Yeah. You're saying I'd go to the same guy that handles the couch.

It doesn't have to be. It's just an example. Okay. I'm not saying I don't even know if it was a guy. Okay. Don't quote me. I'm not going to that guy. I'm just telling you that just because. Why not? What this guy does for a living, what does it say on his business card? I'll help you stop eating your couch. You don't even know who we're talking to. This is a lunatic. Well, you think that's silly because you don't even advertise for your business. So the person eating the couch is not a lunatic, but the person who tries to help them not eat the couch, he's the lunatic. He's the weirdo.

I got more sympathy for the guy eating the couch than the guy who hangs out a shingle to help you stop eating your couch. You know what? It's so much easier just to throw your hands up and say, well, no one can help me. And then you get to keep on doing your addiction. There is absolutely somebody who could help you. Okay? I don't believe it.

And what you would look under is food addiction because that is what this is, by the way. It is food addiction. It's just one food. It doesn't matter. It doesn food addiction. It's a food and you're addicted to it and it is taking over your life. Well, okay, fine. Well, who am I supposed to call now? A food addiction guy? Yes, exactly. But you make it sound like it's so preposterous. There are people that do that. You justulous. Ridiculous. You just Google food addiction help and numbers are gonna come up.

Food addiction? They're just gonna come up, yeah. Okay. I put an exclamation mark again. Let me ask you, Stan Daniels, let me ask you this. When you say you have a lot of friends and they've staged multiple interventions. Yeah, they're all down with,

also they seem okay with it. They've remained friends with them. Exactly. So there's with them. Exactly. So there's no ultimatums. Yeah, exactly. Like what is the price to pay in these interventions? Because they don't say, we'll stop being your friend.

What goes down at these interventions? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What goes down? The intervention, I'll be, I can tell when I walk in. It was such a good question. What goes down at the intervention? I can tell when I walk in

that not everyone in the room is taking it seriously. Really? What gives you that indication? People are smiling and there's a spread of food. And sometimes there's a DJ. Really? That's such an interesting choice. He might have a point. Sometimes there's balloons because it's hard to get everybody on the same page that the purpose of this is to get this guy to stop eating Hershey's cookies and cream because then a lot of the time people will bring them for

me. Oh my god. That's just enabling my gosh. No, no. That's terrible. You have to specify what the addiction is. You really do. You really do. When you make an intervention. Yeah. I think when you say when you say somebody we're going to have a group meeting and we're going to surprise Stan and we're going to all ask him to please stop eating so many Hershey's cookies and cream bars. If that's the information you convey to somebody, I don't blame them for showing up with a bag of cookies and cream bars in a balloon and hiring a DJ. It doesn't sound like a serious affair. So you, okay, all right. Now you, your sort of stances. Yeah. I, I have an addiction to these things.

I cannot stop eating them, but I can't get help because it just sounds silly. Yes, that's exactly right. And that is just in it. That's just an excuse. It's just an excuse. You know what? I've actually figured out a way to manage my problem here. I've got, excuse. You know what? I've actually figured out a way to manage my problem here. I've got, I have none of these cookies and cream bars in the home, none in the car. They are all 1.74 miles away from my front door. Right now I currently have 21 of them out there. Okay, but you buy them in a 48 pack, so then where are the others? I've eaten them, I've eaten them between when I put them down and when, and now. So when you buy them from Costco, you go straight into the delivery system?

You bet I do. And you, can I ask a question? You walk from your home to each cookies and cream bar, and then you walk back home and then to the next one. No, he drives. He drives to the home. No, I drive to put them all in a piece, right? No, he drives to plant them. He drives to plant them. He walks to eat them. Yes.

But I'm saying you don't go from one cookies and cream bar to the next one, you go home first. That's what I want to know. We actually, good question, Bae, because I hadn't discussed that yet. Spoke system. Do you go and pick them all up? Or you actually, you broke him. There's, I think something's happening on his face. I never thought about this. Because you could just keep going.

Each bar is mile 0.74 from my front door, but each bar is not a mile 0.74. From each other, equidistant from each other. Oh. Oh shit. Oh no. This isn't necessarily wrong. I'm just wondering.

Wait, I also assumed you were walking back. I am, I am, but now I'm not going to, now that you've pointed that out. So what are you gonna do now? Because that's true. I'll tell you, I've never thought about this before, but you're right. I can walk a mile point seven four to get one bar,

and then I might be able to walk another 500 feet to get another one. Yes, and you'll just be. Also, the spokes are that close together? I don't know, yeah, a bunch of them are close together. Oh, I see, now you're gonna. Son of a bitch. I was really picturing like your home is the center

and I'm like radiating out like sunbeams. That's what it's like. Yes. But as far apart as you see sunbeams depicted in a sort of cartoon. Yes. Well, it's not as the crow flies, cause I am not a crow.

It's gotta be, you know, I gotta take roads to get there. It's more like a bubble in a cartoon and the triangular part where the bubble starts in his house and then it just goes out from there in a big loop. You know what it's like. We've talked on this podcast about how we see things in our heads.

What's the triangle of the bubble? You know, the pointy part. You know, where it's coming out of their mouths. I was thinking of the thought bubble. Yes, I know you were. Which of course has the little circles. I know. What are we doing?

Kate Jones, sorry. Yes, listen, we have lost the plot. She's turning us against each other. We are rearranging the Hershey bars on the Titanic, okay? Because honestly, this is the same problem. There were Hershey bars on the Titanic, by the way. We're there, really? That's how long Hershey's been around.

But not cookies and cream. Sure, sure. Relatively new invention. Right, but we're just, you get what we're saying? We're not trying to help him stop his addiction. We're just trying to help him sort of rearrange his addiction right now. And I'm not interested in doing that. Well, that's Doug's fault. Doug introduced that. I got a problem now. My whole system doesn't work anymore. Thank you very much fella in the

orangerie. His name is Doug. Oh, hey. Doug. Yeah. Now I'm going to hit like 10 of them on the way home from one of them. This ruins everything. Okay. Let me ask you this. Do you want to stop doing this? It doesn't sound like you do. It seems like you're perfectly content to go on living this way. I don't know. Does he seem happy? First of all, he's dying. Yeah. But the doctor says, yeah, he says, I have acute cookies and cream poisoning. He has ACCP.

Yeah. Is the cookies and cream full blown? ACCP. Oh no. Well, he didn't use that term, but yeah, probably it's acute. I'll tell you that. Do you, do you feel physically you feel physically terrible in any way? Because I can't imagine you wouldn't. He talks like he does. He doesn't sound

he says. He sounds very robust. Sounds very great. Oh, well, but he also sounds cranky and upset. You know, like you're like, you're like you're carrying a terrible burden. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. No, everything hurts. Sure. Your bones must be brittle at this point. Probably, well, it's a decent amount of calcium. From the cream. From the cream. I guess that's true.

I picked the wrong body part to go after. The bones are great. I got top notch bones. Can't touch my bones. It's the blood, the internal organs. It's everything else. I'm gonna say vision probably. Oh, for sure, for sure.

My vision's taking a real hit. That's everything else. I'm gonna say vision probably. Oh for sure, for sure. My vision's taking a real hit, that's for sure. There's been hair loss and- Oh no. Yeah, sense of smell is not holding up. See, he's not okay, he's not happy. You're not okay. Probably not, no. I'll go ahead and agree with that, I'm not okay.

What if you just cut out the cookie part? Just start at the green? Yeah, just the green. First of all, cookie's doing a lot of heavy lifting in that phrase. It truly is. Because it certainly is not an actual cookie of any kind in that chocolate.

It's more like cream and discoloring. Correct. What are you talking about? I'm sure they take a cookie and they crunch it up and they mix it in there with the delicious cream flavored chocolate. Do you think maybe it would help if he went to Hershey where they're made and if he really just walks

into the belly of the beast and sees how it's made, maybe it'll just lose its luster? I don't know. If he can stand that taste, I don't think seeing how it's processed is going to do anything to dissuade him. That idea makes me think of the film Leaving Las Vegas. I would do that at the end. I Remember so little of that movie to press the hell out of you would go Factory and you would eat yourself to death. That's what I would do if I decided it was time to end it

I go straight for Hershey, Pennsylvania Okay, okay, you know what's really funny about that movie, The Leaving of the West? Is that this guy is drinking himself to death. He's drunk 24 hours a day. Somehow able to maintain an erection long enough Oh. To father a child. Elizabeth Shue decides, this guy is great. I should definitely continue his bloodline.

These genetics are top notch. Yeah, I gotta get in on this. Well, speaking of that, do you have any, I mean, you probably don't have any chance to have any kind of romantic life or partnership of any kind. No, not really. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Wouldn't say so. Doesn't that bother you? I mean, you don't. I mean, it's gotta be a very lonely life. I like to maintain a certain mystique. You know, nobody can get so close. It's that kind of thing. People wonder about me.

I think that's just, that's a lot of pain talking is what that is. That's a lot of pain talking. No, no. I really hate it when I don't feel like we've helped someone even after all of this talking. No, I mean, Stan, it really seems like you're not willing

to take any steps to stop doing this. I'll take it, I'll take, I'll walk it up. 1.74 miles a day. Oh, that's not what he means. He means to take steps. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, What would you have me do? Call a food addiction fella. Yes, that's right. And explain to him about my thing and then. I would love for you to do that. What is he gonna do? What's this guy gonna do?

He will help you. Yes, he has methods. It's his job. It's his job. Exactly, have you ever seen the show, Scared Straight? I'm familiar with the Scared Straight. It's kind of like that. Great show.

My understanding is like that. I'm not shoving you against the wall. You know, that's not going to hurt him, baby. We're trying to get him to go. This is not going to help. I'm not going to. No one's going to shove anybody. OK, they don't show.

Right. They don't. He won't shove you. She won't shove you. They won't shove you. OK. Whoever this person is. All right. Why would Doug say that if it wasn't true? Oh, boy. Doug says a lot. Maybe you're like that. I feel like you're more inclined to trust Doug

because he fits your narrative. That's right. That's so right. All right. Oh gosh. I mean, we wish you luck. You know what? I've never done this before.

I don't wish you luck. Oh no, Bert. I think you're very stubborn. I actually think you have done it before. This is a ridiculous addiction that you could very easily cure with a little tiny bit of help, if you would done it before. This is a ridiculous addiction that you could very easily cure with a little tiny bit of help if you would take it. All right, we've birds upset. I'll tell you what, here's I'll guarantee you this. Here's all okay. But it's 2020 what five? No boy. By the

end of this year I will either call a food addiction guy or head to Hershey, Pennsylvania. I don't love the either. I don't one or the other by the end of 2025. Thanks for that guarantee. It felt so good and that there was an either. Well, if the status quo is so upsetting to you guys, I'll do one or the other thing. Well, you're not going to do the food addiction. I know that you're not going to.

I mean, you know what? Now that these neighbors know, they might be watching out for you to place your bars and they might take them and sort of try to help you out here, take them from you. That would be bad. Well, it would be bad until then it would all of a sudden be great, you know what?

Like there's a whole world out there. If the withdrawal is just having dreams where they're anthropomorphized, I think you could get through this. Crying out to you. You can. They're crying out to be eaten. They're crying out to be eaten. Yeah, crying out to be eaten.

Doug, you are not helping. You are not helping. No, that's the dress. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, I could put a cap. I'm fascinated by dreams. Every night for the rest of my life. Oh my God.

All right, well. All right, Stan. All right. I hope that you will get help and stop doing this. Same, all right. I hope that you will get help and stop doing this. Same, please do. Because you know what? I think you're a lovely man. I really do.

You're a lovely person. Why? Bert, you undercut me every time I try to do that. I was just so taken aback. Just wait till he's gone. Did you say that? Save it for the third segment. Tell it to the horse.

That's an old Dignity false saying. Well we gotta let you go Stan and I think I know what you're gonna do right after this. I am unfortunately your house is about a mile 74 from my house. Oh boy. Everyone check your homes if you're listening in Dignity Falls check your homes to see if there's half hidden cookies and cream bars. Half placed, half placed. I put a lot of them in gutter downspouts, FYI. Hey, if you're an evil clown. Ha ha ha.

We'll be back with the Neighbor Listen when the Neighbor Listen returns. Hello, this is Yvonne, a handmade painting, one of the kind sun in quotation marks sun $499. Now it's gorgeous, very artistic and unique and made and painted of this sun. Capitalized sun, S-U-N. It is not anything else. It is definitely the sun. It's 12 inches around, ready for hanging. I cannot tell you how ready for hanging this is.

Owner paid 599, but hey, I had to leave the country. Now listen, that last part, you do not have to worry about it. In fact, you might say, why did you even include it? I probably shouldn't have included it, because now you're wondering, why did he have to leave the country? Did it have something to do with the one-of-a-kind sun?

No. No, it had nothing to do with it. But we do need to move it fast. So if you would like a one-of-a-kind sun that is absolutely not entangled in some sort of global crime scheme. Absolutely not. Please come get it. Please come now. Thank you. Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. That guy? Oh boy.

I didn't care for that guy. I kind of just wish I never met him. He was so... Joan, I couldn't agree more. He was so combative. I'm going to think about it. It got under my skin. You know what I mean? He comes in here, he's so... So combative. So combative. I couldn't even call it defensive. He was aggressive. He was aggressive. Like we were the weird ones. Yeah. And even though he's the first guest we've ever had that just started talking as far

away from the microphone as possible. That was, why was he doing that? I think that's the cookie. He saw us. You're probably right. That's cognitive issues. You're probably right. I know.

I won't, I will give this guy, I kind of no slack. If anything, Burge is always the one who won't give our guests the benefit of the doubt. I have an idea for you, Burge. What doubt is there? This weirdo comes in here and says, I'm hiding candy bars all over the place. The most disgusting candy bar, by the way. By the way, that is the tagline

that the boys want for the show, for Mr. Doubtfire. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I didn't come up with it. No, of course not. I have an idea. I'm not rolling my eyes at what you said. For all of us. Okay.

Just to clear this, to calm us down. You weren't helping Doug, by the way. I'm sorry, I was asking genuine questions that I can see now that weren't helpful. Yeah, you were asking genuine questions the way Joe Rogan does. On the count of three, we all say, dance Daniels. Oh, I like it. I like it.

To purge it. Yeah. Just to stick it to him. Just stick it to him. Yeah. And then afterwards we'll say, clean steamer. Clean steamer. Great, let's do it.

We'll say, Dan Stannuels, the clean steamer. Great, okay. Love it. Here we go, count us in. I'll count us in? Eating his cream. Eating his white chocolate. It's too many, it's too much.

We had it. He hated that. We had it. I can barely remember it. Pitch. So we're saying, I'm not pitching things. Okay, Dan Stannuels, the clean steamer, eating his Hershey's white chocolate. You're trying to make a little bit of a muffin. But now you got me into it. What you should say is hiding because he hates it when we

say hiding. Why am I participating? Why am I doing? Hiding his white chocolate. I mean, he sucks you in. He does. He sure everything. Why am I participating? Why am I doing? Hiding his white chocolate. I mean, he sucks you in. He does. He sure does. But the rhythm of it is now off. It's not the same. Hiding his white chocolate. See, you did it too.

We can't help ourselves. So now it is Dan Staniels, the clean steamer, hiding his white chocolate. There we said it, right? I think that was it. We did it. Yeah, we don't have to count down. That's chocolate. We said it right? I think that was it. We did it. Yeah, we don't have to count down. That's great.

We saved ourselves some time. Oh, phew. Take that, Stan Dangler. I was thinking about Hershey's and how, you know, this is a great history of this company. Great history. Is it a great history? No, every company that's been around for over a hundred years has a great history. No skeletons in that closet.

I was thinking that no one else has even attempted the Hershey's kiss. That's not true. How do you know? Well, there's there's there's things that are not that exact shape, but it's the same sort of it's the same sort of amount of chocolate in a little. Well, if it's a ball, it doesn't count. It's not a ball. Okay. I'm thinking, here's what I'm thinking. You're right. Let's say there's not, there's no shape like the Hershey's.

There's not like that. No, I think that the, because look, rectangle. Sure. You can't own rectangle. You can't own rectangle. It's probably too man at this point. But I remember, here's what I'm remembering is when I was a kid, a Brock's candy, B R A-A-C-H. Yes, yes.

Sure. They would make chocolate stars and they were sort of the equivalent of a Hershey's kiss. Not the same shape, of course, but it was like the same amount of bite sized concentrated chocolate. Okay. Do you remember when Marlboro put out those cigarette flavored chocolates? They do. All right.

We used to get into those. Yeah. I think we were a test market. You used to get into them. Yeah. Oh, do you think they didn't have them anywhere else outside of Dignity Falls? I never heard people talk about them. I just assumed they were all over the place. I don't think so. Yeah.

They were so expensive. So expensive. They only got more expensive. Heavily taxed. Well, we have one more post. Joan, what is that post? Well, this post comes from someone named Peter and it is, I think I'm going to, I don't know, I'm going to read it.

I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it. What is that post? Well, this post comes from someone named Peter. And it is, I think I'm going to, I think I'm gonna read the post first. It's confusing either way.

It says, lost dog, found a small white cockatoo in parentheses question mark about two hours ago, no tag or collar. Here's a picture of a rough looking little white dog. But my question is, is he like, is he quest, is he asking, did I find a dog or did I find a cockatoo? Is he confused? Because what does this mean?

Here's what I think. He is trying to think of cockapoo. Oh, wow. But that's a real, I mean, it's such a common cockatoo. It's not, it's not, it's not hard. You think it's a miss? If you have a picture, you don't need to try to take a guess. I'm also just trying to hold this picture in a way that I could make this look like a cockatoo. I mean, sort of, you know, when like, you know, when people post those pictures of like,

I can't believe there's only three people in this picture or, you know, or like someone's arm look like it's coming out of their crotch or whatever, you know, all these optical illusions that happen. And I, I'm tired of those because, you know, some of them will be like, like when you see it. And it's like, well, first of all, you know, how is anyone going to track that? Like, you know, how long it took you to like it. There was one that I just never got.

And it sort of bothered me, but at first it bothered me that I didn't get it. And then it bothered me that I was, it was taking up my time. Which one was it? I can't remember, but I forget what you were supposed to. It was even something that I don't think they gave you a hint as to what you were supposed to see. It was like, when you see it, you'll see it. And I'm just staring at this dumb picture. You know what I also hate is that then all those people who were like them, this is the equivalent of the people back in the day of voicemail used to go, hello? Ah, just kidding, I'm not there.

Oh yeah. It was people in the comments who were like, here's the real story. And then it's a story below and it's, there's no link. Cause they're just messing with you. There's actually no story. I hate that. Imagine if you were in some sort of emergency

and you called someone up and you got that. in some sort of emergency and you called someone up and you got that. Like imagine there's blood coming out of you. Got you. Anyway, leave a message. And then the message is your death rattle. That would haunt me for life if I was that person. I can't believe that it's still, to be honest,

I still have some friends in my life who have their voicemail like that. I'm not kidding. Have they just forgotten that it's like that? That's possible, it's possible. Yeah, and I fall for it every time. Now my voice, my outgoing voice message, I try to be very articulate and, you know, straight shooter.

Okay. As you know, it says, well, I'll just, I shooter okay it as you know it says well I'll just I'll play for you yeah yeah wait how are you gonna play it should I call you so that we can how are you gonna play it yeah you call me and then I'm gonna call you I'll hold it to the microphone calling burnt It's ringing. Oh, it's you. All right. Don't answer it. All right. I'm going to listen to this. Hello. You've reached burnt Peter Mia Payday. I am unable to take your call because I am doing something that requires my attention

elsewhere. If you would like to leave a message, you may do so once you hear the specific tone that will play when my voice stops. If you don't want to leave a message, that is also your right. You could always just hang up at any time. If you want to leave a message, but you don't have time to listen to all of this,

then you may call back at any time or text me and say, I wanted to leave you a message, but your outgoing voice message was too long. Right? Yeah. Oh, I was about to leave you a message. No. Oh, it's okay.

It's okay. Because we're right across from each other. Yeah, that was when you said straight shooter, I didn't picture that, you know, something so long. I laid it all out there. Yeah, you really did. I gave everyone options. Sure.

Although I'm surprised it let you record such a long message. I had to pay extra for that. You know, that happens when you leave a message and you find yourself talking over yourself and then it just goes, if you can, you hang up if you want to, you know, that it just comes in and lets you know that you just talked for way too long. Do you know how often that happens to me?

Oh, it's so embarrassing. And then it's sort of like, well, do I do that all again? Or do I just leave the cutoff message and feel like a fool and sound like one too? And sound like one too. I almost sang. Now, you know, of course, have you ever heard mine? I mean, I sang mine.

Do you wanna call it? No, I haven't heard it. You always pick up. Yeah, it's true. I'll call it right now. If you know anything about me, I'll always pick up. Calling Joan P. Oh, yeah, here it goes.

Okay, I'm not gonna answer it. It's Joan, Joan, you got Joan's phone, but now you're sitting here all alone because I'm gone, gone, gone, gone, and you'll have to call back sometime. That's lovely. I love that. I love that. Am I leaving a message right now? Yes, you are.

Oh, I love it. But you know what? I'm going to save that because I love that it's a little compliment. It's lovely. I love that. Am I leaving a message right now? Yes, you are. Oh, I love it. But you know what? I'm going to save that because I love that. It's a little compliment. It's lovely. Goodbye, Joan. You ever heard mine? Oh, you know what? I haven't heard Doug's ever. Doug, I didn't know you had a phone. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't I don't have your number. Oh, I'll give it to you. OK. We're just always here. You know, we don't ever call each other. We text a lot. You always, we don't ever call each other. Yeah, call me up, man. We text a lot. I always keep it off, but... Right. Always.

Okay, well then I don't need it then. Yeah, let's hear it, babe. Okay, I'll call you, I'll call you. Because Burn doesn't have a phone. I don't, and it turns out I don't need it. Okay, here we go. Is this you? You're calling me?

Yes. What does it come up as? Doug. Does it say unknown caller? Did you not put me on your phone? Hold on. Is Cho not in your phone? Wow. This is so upsetting. No, she is.

She is. She is. I don't have a fancy phone that says the name. Oh yeah. Okay. All right. You have the arachnid, right? It's like the discount jitterbug.

You're right. Well, it's readingnid, right? It's like a discount jitterbug. Well, it's reading a long time before it puts a message. Here it is. So it's a sneeze. You're gearing up to sneeze and then instead of a chew, it's the beep. When you went to leave the message, did you actually have to sneeze or is that on purpose? Because I could see both scenarios. Yes.

What happened was I went to leave the message. I had a real one in mind. You had a real message in mind, not a real sneeze in mind. No. And I did. I'm thinking about sneezing. I had a message in mind. I had a big sneeze. And then I was like, oh, that's a pretty good one. Yeah. And then I had to wait until I got another sneeze. You couldn't just fake one?

That sneeze did sound very real. That's so Doug though. That's so good. I'd be like, well, I'm in for the day until I get another sneeze because I got to see this through. And I don't believe in getting pepper. No, you don't believe in it. No, I want a real sneeze. Wait, I was just going to ask, did you do something to induce the No, I want a real sweet.

I was just going to ask, did you do something to induce the sneeze, but you just simply waited, huh? And it just came. I don't know that I've ever waited for a sneeze. Just with phone in hand. Clear my schedule. That's what I said, he stayed in for the day. All right, everyone. Well, that was fun.

That was fun. What a fun time. I'm glad that erased the horrific time we had with that idiot Stan Daniels. Well, thank you all for listening. We'll be back next week. Remember, you can follow us on socials at The Neighborhood Listen. You can write to us at BurtonandJoanatgmail.com.

And if you want to hear our bonus episodes, you go to cbbworld.com, sign up for the Maximus tier. What do you get? You get things like our movie watch along. Yes, which there are sure to be some coming up. You get, you know, we sometimes visit with previous guests. You get, we get other people's podcasts from Dignity Falls. Still don't understand how it happens.

Don't understand how that happens. But it's a wonderful extra content that is available to you at the Maximus Tiers cbbworld.com. We had a dinner at Sizzlers. We had a dinner at Sizzlers. Well, if you count the two, if you count the two, the other one's just around the corner. Goodbye. And bye. Ha ha ha. All of the posts used in this episode were real.

Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Barker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Andy Daly. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to CBBWorld.com to unlock the entire history of the show, ad-free, as well as brand new

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