The Neighborhood Listen - Rat Machine with Patrick McDonald

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Joan begins the podcast in a bit of a tizzy, Burnt explains his unusual malady, and Doug talks turkey. Later, Noel defends himself against an accusatory note on his door.Want more TNL? Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan to unlock access to all seasons ad-free, as well as brand new exclusive BONUS ROOM episodes adventuring deeper into Dignity Falls!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad-free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of The Bonus Room, go to CBBWorld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

And now, please enjoy this episode of... The Neighborhood Listen! Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good! And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen! Knock knock! Who's there? Your neighbor! Good! In Dignity Falls, you're never alone You've got the Neighbor Half App and us!

Bert! And Joan! From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell We'll cover it all And meet new neighbors as well We'll chat about any posts you're missing So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. And welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen,

the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. I am one of your hosts. My name is Burt Miapede. I was distracted by something and almost said a different name. But my name is Burt Mia Paide. I was distracted by something and almost said a different name. But my name is Burt Mia Paide. I am a pharmacist here in Dignity Falls and with me as always is...

Joan Pedestrian. What name are you gonna say, Burt? I don't know, but I knew that it was not. But it wasn't yours. It didn't start with a B. Well, listen, I think it's my fault that you're probably thrown off because I was, I was late

this morning. I'm so sorry. Which is very rare and we record here in your home. We do. Yeah. You guys been waiting. You came over here at eight in the morning. Cause I needed, I said, I need to start at eight in the morning. And then I'm going to be honest. I had some dental work done yesterday. Thank you for your candor. Thank you. Thank you for accepting my candor. And I've just been a little out of it and I woke up in the morning and I was like, Oh little out of it. And I woke up in the morning and I was like,

Oh, you did? Yeah, I woke up in the morning. Great. So I woke, but did you wake up in the morning and forget that there was a podcast? No, I did. No, you're not. Oh, I see. I forgot.

That's Doug, our engineer. Oh, hi babe. How you doing? Making connection to the Sopranos. And he, and I decided, I woke up and completely forgotten at the, I'm going to take myself to a 10 a.m. showing of the substance. Is that a fun morning movie?

You know, it's just that I've always loved Demi. Is it Demi or Demi? What do we say nowadays? You know, there's a very cute story. Oh, is there? She was on Oprah Winfrey. I want to say this was, this was post ghost. This is when she was a on Oprah Winfrey. I want to say this was, this was post ghost.

This was when she was a, she was a star, maybe when she was doing G.I. Jane. Oh sure. And please don't slap me. And, and, and somebody in the audience, you know, cause Oprah would turn it over to the audience for questions sometimes. And the person in the audience said,

is it Demi or Demi? Oh. How do you pronounce your name? How do you pronounce your name? And the person in the audience said, is it Demi or Demi? Or how do you pronounce your name? How do you pronounce your name? And Demi said, Demi, whatever her name is. She had a little Cheshire cat smile and she said, Moore. Oh, now that is clever. She didn't say.

This gets me. There was no confusion about the second half of the name, Moore. There's a certain type of person who maybe has a name that's often mispronounced or misspelled or whatever, and they won't correct people and they won't say how it's actually pronounced. And I don't understand that at all. Yes. Yes.

It's your name. Yeah, it's your name. Why wouldn't you say actually it's Carolyn? Maybe my guess is perhaps that people, they tried to do that forever and people still wouldn't get say actually it's Carolyn? Maybe my guess is perhaps that people they tried to do that forever and people still wouldn't get it right. You know like if you end up correcting people for decades and they still get it wrong why bother? You know I guess you just don't want to put energy towards it anymore. I see I guess but I if it were me it let's say if I if I had a name

luckily everyone knows how to spell and pronounce my name. That's right. 100%. It's just so easy. It's just the way it looks. But if I had a name where somebody kept for whatever reason, let's say, kept putting an extraneous letter into the name, I would never stop correcting people. Oh yeah. I had a weird teacher who tried to put an H in my name. What? Yeah. J-H-O-A-N, it was very weird. That's very weird. It was extremely weird.

Did you correct this teacher? I did, I corrected them many times, but it was the same thing, but they just kept doing it over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm sensitive to it, because this one teacher did it for a year. I think she was trying to break me or something. You know, I have a friend who went to,

when he was in grade school, he had terrible penmanship and he holds his pen like a left-handed person, but writes with his right hand. Interesting. And so the, the teachers, of course, um, I wonder it because it was a practice back then to try to make people right-handed. Yes. I do feel like there was an unnecessary stigma against left-handed people. There was a time where you weren't. Doesn't that mean they're more creative and special? That's what I've heard. Which are you, Bernd? I'm right-handed. Okay. So much. Babe, what are you? Which are you, Bernd? I'm right-handed.

Okay, so am I. Yes. Babe, what are you? I'm right-handed, left-footed. That's interesting. So you lead with your left foot. That's why we can't dance together. It's an absolute mess.

That's too bad. Yeah, it really is too bad. Not even like a freestyle? Sometimes we do that, but we still end up bumping into each other. But if you're doing a slow dance. Oh, you can't do a slow dance. Yeah, you can't do a slow dance.

Yeah, because I'm either getting kneed in the groin or slapped in the face. Wow. That is, and it's- In my gyrating hip. You would have thought I said G-I-J. It is slow dancing. Slow dancing.

But somehow you end up kneed in the groin or slapped in the face. That's a lot of momentum still. When he tries to spin. If you recall, my shimmying hip kind of forces it to not be such a sore. That's right, don't you remember we had a whole, it's, if you were in the dance,

you were in the rehearsal room that day. Yeah, that's right. The ballroom. Yeah. Your famous shimmying hip. The famous ballroom. Now, speaking of which Doug, what room are you in today? Yeah, where are you today, babe?

And then we'll get back to the substance. Oh, I'm in, I'm in the deli counter. Yeah. You have a deli counter now. Yeah. Come on down. Is this not at odds with your Sizzler? With the chiles to go. Oh, sorry.

With the Sizzler. Well, and he, yes. Right. He has a Sizzler to go like the chiles to go. That's right. And the Sizzler. Yeah. I told him no.

I told him absolutely no. A third foodstuff room is going to break us and it will. Well, this is for the family. This isn't for the public. It's exclusively for the family. He just loves putting on the old little sort of like the paper hat, putting on an apron and ding ding and do like an order up.

You want to toast it? Do you want it? This sounds like a diner. Yeah. Well, but like this, you know, like a little- Ticket, ticket. Ticket, ticket. Ticket, ticket. Ticket, ticket, ticket. this, you know, like a little ticket ticket ticket ticket ticket ticket. Hey, that was good. Burnt. It was kind of again, that was like a two tone a little bit.

Oh, it was, wasn't it? It was. I love discovering these things. Maybe little noises like that I can do. Maybe you can do little noises. So yeah, he's basically, are you, do you have, I hate to ask, do you have any help back there or is it just you? Please say it's just you. yeah, he's basically, are you, do you have, I hate to ask, do you have any help back there or is it just you? Please say it's just you. Because if this is for the family, okay, thank God.

This is just me. But anyone can make themselves a sandwich if you want. You know, or I'll make it for you. So this is sort of like Barbara Streisand's underground mall. Right, or it's sort of like if our house had a craft services which would be the place where on a movie set everyone goes to make themselves a sandwich.

So I've heard. where on a movie set, everyone goes to make themselves a sandwich. That's so I've heard. Gabby says that they not only have sandwich fixings there, but they also have Tejave iced tea. Now, where is this? On a movie set? How does Gabby know this again? She she just loves the entertainment business.

I did not know this. This is just you did. I did? Okay, I'm sorry. Oh, I know she wants to become a host in things. I didn't know that she'd been on movie sets so much, did I? I apologize. Well, she's never been on a movie set, but she learns these things. Oh, I see.

She learns these things. She loves the behind the scenes. I thought it was Tejava. Maybe it is, and maybe I'm mispronouncing it. So everyone gets one of those giant, because Tejavas are giant. No, they do come in time. Your one only exists. They only exist. I won't accept it. Film sets, the smaller version of that ice. God, they get everything.

That iced tea is terrible. Can I just be honest? Yes. It is so bitter. It's awful. It's like I'm sucking a tea bag. Yes. I wonder if it's because I wonder if it's prevalent on movie sets because it's so cheap. Cheap, exactly. Yes. And people get fooled. Yes. They think, oh well, there's nothing else to have here. And they're saying, here. This is good enough for you. I know that guy. We didn't have to give you iced tea at all. Oh, that's the guy in his office up on the top floor.

That's right. He takes a cigar out of his mouth. Here. Here. Have the Tejava, Tejava, whatever the fuck it's called. That was me in character, babe. Okay. So I get to swear. Doug gets very mad when I swear. He really does. Have you been losing the character loophole a lot? Have I been doing? Oh, I haven't. And I just realized the power and I have not been wielding it. And I really want to. Pretend you're being somebody from Deadwood and you can say whatever you want. That's right. Including slurs. You know, I'm rewatching the series and there's many slurs in it. Oh, so many. I feel like they could have done without, I'm going to say 90% of the slurs and still have gotten the point across that these were not the greatest story would have

still been told. I do. I think the situations are just so horrific. Because sometimes it's like somebody Chinese will walk out of the scene and then will linger on two characters and then they'll say a slur. It's like, I don't know if we needed the button. Do we even need it? The word swear is in his name. I don't think that we really need it. It's a little on the nose that swearing gin is full of slurs and swears. We get it. So true. That what are the facts? That Timothy Oliphant though, boy, oh boy. You like him?

Yeah, Doug knows he's on my list. Oh, that's right. I think I've discussed this before. And that long walk he has where his shoulders go, he sort of like lifts up. It's like he's a marionette sort of doing a sexy walk down the muddy street. Ooh, is it hot in here? John loves marionette walk. He sort of doesn't move his arms.

It's that more than Tim O'Loughan, yeah, for sure. Yeah, he doesn't really move his arms. He doesn't. That's what it is, Bert. That's what it is. He doesn't move his arms and then he's got this like gait. Yeah, you nailed it. That's exactly it. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm crushing it today. Yeah, well, our twins,

these are my twins, of course, I'm talking about my twin boys, Matt and Peripatetic. Peripatetic. And they, I did not want them to watch the show because I didn't want them to wander around starting to talk like swearing. Of course. Instead, they just kept walking around

talking like Calamity Jane. Because there's a similar fuck, a second you bring session, fuck it, to my mouth. And they would spit all over my face. That was an excellent impression. Thank you.

That was an excellent impression. I know it's fresh in your mind right now, so I take that as a compliment because it's been a minute since I've seen it. Were you worried they would also start talking like EB Farnham? I don't know why everyone seems to anticipate that I am not unwanted in this particular discussion.

Now, Bert, that was amazing. That was a fantastic impression of that character. I learned I could do that when I was sick. Oh, really? I thought you were going to say six. No, I was able to do that voice from when I had briefly had like a just a just golf ball size nodes on my vocal cords. Oh dear.

Have we talked about this? We haven't talked about this. It's not an interesting story. You had toe throat. I had toe throat. Oh gosh. It's a thing that it's an affliction specific to Dignity Falls. That's right.

And it happens, it happens, well actually around this time when the weather changes and it grows cold. Yeah. So, so when was this? This was a few years ago. Okay. This was a few years ago. This was a few years ago. And it was very, I went to the doctor and had them removed and everything was fine. Yeah. Is that, I mean, you sound so casual. I have them in a jar. It sounds like major surgery. You did, you keep them.

Most people keep them to make wishes. That's right. Because if you're, if you're, if your node wish comes true, it comes true forever. That's right. That's not true. This is one of the quirks I love about this. No, a lot of wishes, a lot of wishes could be temporary. Yeah. They don't tell you that. No. Yeah. The thing is you have to, you have to, with wishes, you have to be very specific. So specific. Very specific. Yeah. Yeah. And say, I want, I want, you know, to find true love forever. Yes. yes. Oh boy, it's tough.

Well, I did not know that about you. Have you made a wish yet? You know, I'm saving my wish. I like that. I'm saving my wish because I, you know, it's like getting a tattoo where it's like, if I'm not a hundred percent on this, I don't want to wish just to wish.

It's gotta be, I absolutely need this to happen. And that's what I'll know. Well, now you have me thinking, have we ever talked about, oh, that's right. I thought you had a tattoo on your arm and it's just an arrangement of the freckles on your arms that make the constellation of just make a constellation, is that right?

Just make a constellation. Just make a constellation. Yeah, not anyone in particular. All right, so I'm glad that I myself brought this up because it looks like your leg is doing better. As you all know, Berndt has been, in my opinion, recovering without realizing it from the incredible trauma of going to Mykonos

and when he was leaving, having to do a lava landing with his plane and having a crazy near-death encounter. And since then, you've been pretty reckless. You guys, you have even crashed in cars. You broke your leg. That's right, on purpose. No, wait a minute, what?

This is worse than I thought, babe. I wanted to see, I've never broken a bone before and I wanted to see what it felt like. I mean, you could have done a toe, just a toe. What made you want to do the femur? I didn't think that would count. Because it's one of the major bones. You wanted to feel something.

This is why I'm so worried about it. I wanted to feel an extreme pain like that. Well? I didn't care for it. No, of course not. But it did make me feel very alive. You could have talked to Peripatetic about it. He would have talked you out of it,

because he's broken almost every bone in his body. He broke his penis one time. He did, he really did. He fell out of a tree. I remember you telling me this. That was a rough Christmas. But I bet it was. It was, it really was.

I bet it was. But yeah, so I broke my leg and that's why I'm in this cast. And, you know, but I think I'm past that, that feeling that I had in the wake of the lava landing. Okay. Which was, I felt, you know, remember I told you I felt like I was immortal? Yes, I do remember that very well. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it actually,

because it was concerning. Yeah, and then I ate recently, I ate some tuna salad. Okay. And there was some celery, chopped up celery in there, which as you know, I'm definitely allergic to celery. Oh, yes. Yes. And we haven't talked about that enough on the podcast. No, and I thought I'd be fine. And I was rushed to the hospital. Because what happens to you when you eat celery? Well, my my throat expands rather

than close. And that must have been it's tilled all over again. All kinds of stuff gets in there. What do you mean all kinds of stuff? Well, like anything I breathe, you know, if I inhale, it's like I could get anything stuck in there. That makes sense to me. My throat is expanded to the point where it's like now super suction. Oh my God. And I could get like Kirby. So it's like, now super suction. Oh my God.

And I could get like Kirby. So it's like the opposite of those super man. Who's Kirby? He's a, yeah. Nintendo. Yeah, we only know that because of our boys. So it's like the opposite of the Superman 2 villains when they're blowing everything.

Everything's just rushing towards you, towards your mouth. That's right. So I'll get like paper clips in there. Oh no! I'll get a coaster. What? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well,. I'll get a coaster. What? Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Well, that's what I'm saying. What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? then? Well, they pump my stomach. Okay. Got all the celery out of there. Okay. But they don't give you a shot of like adrenaline or something as well. Epinephrine, something like that. This app doesn't help. It's not that kind of allergy. Uh, it doesn't sound like it. Certainly. No, it's not that kind

of allergy by the book. Yeah. Instead of adrenaline, they gave me, they gave me a sedative. Oh wow. Yeah. Okay. So I could fall asleep. That stopped things from flying towards your mouth. Yes, it did. Oh, thank goodness. They also put a mask on me, which I think was smart. That is very smart. She put a helmet on you. Put you in a suit of armor. A lot of stuff just on the other side of the mask. Like a big magnet. Just like your big magnet.

Yeah, exactly. A lot of stuff just, back to the clipboard, you know. Just a train car. Now, Jobe. I know, I'm thinking of this Stephen Spielberg series called Amazing Stories, and there was one where a boy got magnetized and everything raced towards him

and stuck to his face, literally, just like what you're describing. Including a train car? No, no, no, I think it was that a train went by and there was always a train in that series. It was like a whole thing. Is that true? Kind of.

So who's to know? There's no way to find out. Not now. What was the show where John Hurt was some sort of storyteller? Oh, there was a, like the Muppets were involved somehow. That's right. It wasn't Tells From the Crypt. That's wrong, but yes. He was an old man and he told...

Do you know what? I think it was Amazing Stories. He's the one who started it. He's the one who opened it. Are you sure? I think we should look that up, but yes, I think that's... Because I remember that was a Spielberg thing. And then the other, the storyteller maybe was called. Which was a Henson... Oh no, I think you're right. Okay, I was wrong. It was a Spielberg thing. And then the other the storyteller, maybe he was called, which was a Henson. No, I think you're right. OK, I was wrong. It was a Henson joint.

Did a music series maybe didn't have a host? Perhaps it didn't. Oh, goodness. Sorry. That's Asgro. He's trying to get out of the room. We put him in there because he's just he's just scratching in a wall. He is. He's not. But but listen, we're really getting in the weeds here. You need to finish what happened after you have your mask on and you're in the ER because you were going to say that something happened

that made you get over this fact of feeling immortal. Yeah, it was the celery thing. Oh, oh, that was it. I thought now I can eat celery. It was just after that happened, you went, now I am mortal. You realized you're mortal. I was like, oh, that's right, I am.

Oh, thank goodness. Okay, so hopefully things will start to calm down for you. I hope so. How was the substance? Well, you know, here's the thing. I got into the theater. I got my popcorn. I haven't done this in forever. Do you know what I mean? Never get to take myself to a movie. Love a 10 AM tub of popcorn. Just a 10 AM tub of popcorn and hot chocolate. They do do breakfast popcorn. They do Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! this point, I'm starting to think, was there something I forgot? Was there something I forgot? No, I locked escrow in the room. No. Okay. And then the substance starts, you know,

and I get a text from Doug, you know, and he's like, where are you? And I was like, I'm at the movie theater. All caps? Yes, it was. It was. But no question mark. It was just, where are you? So it was just, why was that babe? Was it that you were just, why was it all caps and no question mark? Was it because you were making some sandwiches? I mean, that's typically how I text anything. It was so blunt, you know, it sounds like you're,

I'm your, you're my keeper or something, you know. It sounds very scared if I may. Yeah, I was very scared. And then the substance is already- I was scared. No, it sounds like he was scared of what I'm saying. Oh, oh. You were scared of your own husband saying,

where are you? Well, I was scared because this movie, it's very ominous, you know, and I've seen the trailer and it's got Dennis Quaid in it. He's terrifying now. I mean, I text you that all the time. So at this point, it's not that scary. About Dennis Quaid being terrified?

No, about where are you? Sometimes in bed. That would be interesting if you were texting that all the time. Dennis Quaid quite terrifying. Look, if you haven't taken a look into the situation, take a look because it really isn't getting bad. So to be honest, the second the movie started is when I realized, oh no, I have a podcast to do. And they were just starting to opening credits

and I had to leave. So I have to say, I didn't get to see it. I didn't get to say I don't know how it is. I'm sorry, oh, I'm so sorry. So I have to say, I didn't get to see it. I didn't get to see it. I don't know how it is. Well, because this is more important and I, and it's, I'm so, again, I apologize profusely and I'm really sorry about that. I accept your apology.

I didn't get to have any popcorn. I just gave it to someone sitting behind me and spilled the hot chocolate all over my, as you can see, I didn't get to change. That's why it looked like this. They won't let you in the, the, the, um, Yeah. They won't give it to go. The dignity in the dignity falls. Googleplex.

They, they will, you have to, all the food has to, you not only cannot bring in outside food, yes. You either have to finish it or give it to someone else. Finish a bottle of water to go through TSA. They make you finish your soda before you leave the, to go to the parking lot. They're very conscious. There's a whole line of people just chugging. They're very conscious of waste. Before you can leave, they have staff members come out and check the floors if there's...

They made Matt down an entire box of Milk Duds and he could barely breathe. We thought he had a toe throat. Well, here's the thing. When you buy... Boy, Milk Duds are lethal. Oh, they really are. When you buy concessions, they ask you three times if you want it. And they say, and they hand it to you and they say, you know what happens. And they take your picture

of you with the item that you purchased. And it goes into the system. That's right. That's really weird. Come to think of it. You know what? It is strange really weird come to think of it. You know what? It is strange. Now that I think about it. I know, I've never thought about it.

You never thought about it, it was just the way things are done. But now that I think about it. And that's the only reason they let me walk out with my hot chocolate, because I was wearing it. I spilled it all over. That is a loophole.

Yeah. You can't just pour it on yourself. If it's something that will stick to clothes, you can't just pour it on yourself and leave. Well, it's just one more of the quirks of our town. One of the many quirks of Dignity Falls. And we're going to meet another maybe quirky person from Dignity Falls. We have a guest coming up.

Maybe a perfectly normal person. Maybe a perfectly normal person. Should we take a break? I think we should. Doug, how long have we been recording? Oh, here we go. He probably had his hands in the past. He had his hands deep in the pastrami. It has been 21 minutes. Perfect. Perfect. We will return with the neighbor. Listen, what? Blackjack.

Blackjack? Yeah, 21. Okay, got it. Yes. Yes. The neighbor listen will return when we return with the Neighborhood Listen. Nicole, hi. Oh, hi. Here's something. I know you didn't ask me this. I didn't, but I always want to hear what you have to say. Okay, well here's what I'm looking forward to as the weather turns cooler. Okay.

And these are in no particular order. All right. Football games. Is it, can I guess the next one? Sure. Pumpkin spice lattes? Oh my god girlfriend, you've ruined my mind. But do you know the last one? No, I don't.

It's slipping into a cozy sweater from Quince. Quince! Oh my god. Of course I do. They're known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50. And it's not just that. All Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And that includes beautiful leather jackets,

cotton cardigans, soft denim, and so much more. Now, how are they able to do that? And here's my theory. It's by partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman, which passes the savings on to us. Oh, I want to be clear, that's not just a theory. That's exactly, you are exactly right.

That's how they do it. I nailed it. And Quince only works with factories that you safe ethical and responsible manufacturing practices And of course premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece now I've gotten quince items have you oh my god I have I got sunglasses that I honestly think I'm just not cool enough for but they're so great I got my son joggers. They're like the nicest pants ever What if you've gotten your sunglasses? You got sunglasses and you got your son glasses. I

Couple pairs of I had I missed a real opportunity there. I got a couple pairs of chinos from Quinn So I'm wearing this one of them right now. So comfortable. You look very cozy and comfortable And I want people out there listening to get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.com slash TNL for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's right. 365 day returns. That's q u i n c e dot com slash t n l to get free shipping and 365 day returns stay with me quince.com slash t n l

this is Lisa and for free I'm offering the 2019 infinity q50 user manual I no longer need it as I have mastered and memorized everything about the 2019 Infinity Q50. Now it's your turn. Will you rise to the challenge? Will you do what is asked of you? To learn everything there is to know about the 2019 Infinity Q50. Together we can drive into the future. Together we can drive into the future. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Joan, we have a guest. Now here's the here's what we do if you're new to the show. We scour NeighborHap, the social networking

application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people in Dignity Falls to talk to about their posts. And if you'd like to send us a post, maybe one we missed from the Dignity Falls Neighbor app, well, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at bernandjohn at gmail.com, which this person did. We got this post from a listener named Marni Commardula. Marni Commardula sent us this.

This is a post that's in the general section of the NeighborHap and it was posted by Noel and Noel says, let's be adults. Whatever happened to being an adult and talking through concerns. If you were adult enough to do that, you would know I don't have any sort of rat machine in the neighborhood might be stronger for it. And he has taken a picture, Nolan's taken a picture of a note that was taped to his door presumably that says, please stop rat noise machine. My ears are sensitive. So this is a very interesting post and we're going to get to the bottom of it. And here we are. Noel, welcome to the neighborhood. Listen.

Thank you guys. Thanks for having me. I I'm just so annoyed with some people in this neighborhood. Sure. Yeah. Can I just ask, I guess I'm not quite sure. You are convinced that there is a rat noise machine. No, no, no, no, no, not me. I'm the one that keeps getting this note. You've been accused of having a rat noise machine. Oh, you've been accused of it. Oh, that's right. I see. I see. I've been accused of having a rat noise machine by these people, and I just wish they would come to my house and they would talk to me about things.

I just feel like there's something happening in Dignity Falls where we're not talking to each other. We're going to this app and we're posting stuff. And for me, it's like, do you want to know if I have a rap machine? Come ask. Do you want to know? Ask. Well, can we ask? Well, before we get into that, because I do want to know. It's not so much that you're the one that went to NeighborHab and put this on. I did post it. Yeah. And so I'm, I'm, they put a note on your door. You're right.

I'm, I'm a look, thank you. You caught me. And you're right. I am annoyed with the people and I posted it on the app. Right. And I actually love the app. Oh, no, the app is well, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. That's great. Somehow you're just saying some people abuse the app or just taking, you know, they're, they're using it incorrectly. Yeah. But not you. You just, that's a side note, even though this person did not post. You're right. And you're right app or just taking, you know, they're using it incorrectly. But not you. You just, that's a side note, even though this person did not post. And you're right.

And I'm just so agitated. That is, and that's why that confused me, Bert. Because, and that's a good point because yeah, he is, he... I am just confusing and I get a little skunky with stuff or if you're close to me. What does that mean? I just, I throw stink on something if you're close. Oh, okay. I see.

You know what I mean? So, so I got a little skunky there and the app was the closest thing we were talking about. Understood. And so I just got mad at the app. What's the closest thing got a little skunky there and the app was the closest thing we were talking about. Understood. And so I just got mad at the app. What's the closest thing? Yes. The closest thing is the app.

So the truth of it is I'm annoyed at my neighbors and I love the app and I don't and I don't want people posting and circumventing me and giving little weird notes about asking if I have a right. Can I ask something? Yes, please, Joe. Can I then say then could it be argued that maybe something you could do in addition to this is sort of honor what it is you're asking of other people

is to go up and actually specifically knock on doors and face to face say to someone, hey, please stop leaving these notes. Great question, Joe. I don't think you. I would love to do that. I would really love to do that, but I don't know who put that there.

Oh, that was very close. I get that. I don't wanna start spreading problems. Well, okay. I don't know who put that there. Oh, I was, that was, I don't want to start spreading problems. I don't want to start going to other people and doing this thing. We're saying, Oh, I heard you. Are you the one who's mad about the noises that you think are a rap machine? You don't want to make it into like an inquisition knocking on doors. I don't want it to be like that. And I don't want to bring the drama to the streets. If somebody has drama to me, no, don't bring the drama to the streets. That somebody has drama to me. Who wants to bring the drama to the streets?

I don't want to bring the drama to the streets. That's an after school program I'm working on. I'm a high school teacher. Oh really? Bringing drama to the streets is a little... Oh like theater? Oh I love that! I'm a little bit of an amateur performer myself. Yeah, we're calling them happenings. I'm a big fan of the 70's subway art scene. And so I'm starting to start Dignity Falls happenings.

Oh wow! Like Mom Flashes at theater. Can you give us an example of one you just did? a subway art scene. And so I'm starting to start Dignity Falls happenings. And it's been really fun. Like Mob Flash is a theater. Can you give us an example of one you just did? What did you call it? Did you say Mob Flash? Yeah, is that what it's called? Flash Mob. Mob Flash.

That Mob Flash is a different thing entirely. Mob Flash is very dangerous. Mob Flash is very different. I was in one of those in the seventies as well. We did a Mob Flash and we made someone blind. Oh no. 300 people flashed him at once. Wow.

Crazy. Oh wow. Flashed a member of the mafia? No, 300 people. That's where I went to. Flashed one person. That's where I went to. That's what I thought maybe.

No, it wasn't, no, there was no mob. Good, because that would have been dangerous. We were a large group, like an angry mob of people who all showed our privates to one person. Oh wow. You were angry. Why were you? Mops are usually angry.

This was one specific person. Well, it was during the oil embargo of the 70s. So it was all related to that. So you have to understand this was the moment. This was the time. Did this person work for OPEC? Yes. Yeah, I was the head of OPEC.

Also was OPEC an actual organization or was it just a group of countries? Don't tell me because we flashed him So, okay, so I said it incorrectly so you do these happenings what was an example of a recent happening you so drama in the streets We went to the grocery store. Okay, and I love it. Yeah. I made every high school student, I gave them all $10. And I said, everyone buy one pair. And they stood in line and 70 students bought one pair. And it was one cashier.

And you gave each of them $10. Yeah, I see. I see. I thought maybe it's like they were going and doing Shakespeare, you know, like in a crosswalk, the way that James Corden would do a, you know, a bit of a musical and annoy the hell out of every driver that it appeared to be. Oh, I wish I could do it. James Corden does.

I mean, it just sounds like that as a prank, less of a drama happening. Am I correct? It was a statement on consumerism, right? Yeah. This is more like activism. This is activism. I forgot about statements. Yeah, kind of activism. It's easy to be forget about statements. It's easy to do that. I remember statements.

Now, James Corden would do it, he would do it during a stoplight. Is that correct? He would do it during a stoplight. And so then everyone would be rushed out just dramatically into the crosswalk. And maybe one or two people would be excited and everyone

else behind was just honking for their life. And it's already, I believe, I'm told it's already famously congested area. And I believe they would do it at the worst time of day. And so, but you know what? They sure looked fun. It looks fun. I would have loved to have been in one. I always have Crosswalk the musical on. You know, I do a really cool thing. Theater teachers have this really fun thing we do on the internet now where we put a huge post of different musicals we might be revealing. Oh, yes.

At the end of the semester. This is the spring musical. And I always have Crosswalk, James Gordon Crosswalk musical on there. Is that a licensed musical? Yeah, MTI is doing it. MTI is sending it out. MTI is doing that? You can rent it. It's eight musicals. Oh, wow. Yeah, MTI is doing it. MTI is sending it out. MTI is doing that? You can rent it.

It's eight musicals. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's really great. I didn't know that. I bet it's expensive. This sends you rehearsal tracks? Musical Theater Institute? International.

International, that's right. Thank you. It is where- Congrats to them for going international. Huge, right? It's like when you finally have a musical that you want a license for high school to do- When you finally have one. When it's finally successful enough, then that musical that you want a license for high school to

do, when it's finally successful enough, then that means that if anyone wants to do it locally, like if a, if a Dignity Falls community players wanted to do a production of, you know, sound of music, they would have to go to MTI and pay them a certain amount to be able to do it. I see. Kind of like OPEC. A musical, yes. A musical theater.

Now I want to get, I just want to get down to the down to business here and I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask the question, Bert. Yes. I think it's. Do you have a rat noise machine? Joan, of course I have a rat machine. Okay, well now.

Let me talk to you about this. What's frustrating. It's good that you're here to clear this up. Yes please, because I'm very curious about this. It's good that you're here to clear this up. Everyone's going to hear this and you might stop getting the notes. And I would obviously, I don't want to post that online. I don't want to say it because technically they're not,

you know, street legal, but if you're like me on TikTok, you're seeing everyone use their rap machines. It's the biggest thing. I didn't realize that. It's an exciting thing. Wait, I'm sorry. Can you say that again? Everyone's using rap machines.

Everyone's using their rat machines. What do you mean by everyone? So well, I, I, you guys don't see this on TikTok? Only because I'm not using one. Mike, are you using one, Bert? I'm not a big TikToker. I'm not using a rat noise machine. Now, Doug might be using one.

Babe, are you using one? This is my husband. I know you can't see him, but he's in a deli right now in our house. Yeah, do you want anything? Do you have mortadella? We got turkey. I'm not sure he knows what it is. Okay, I'm good. Mort, mortadella? mortadella? We got turkey. I'm not sure he knows what it is.

Okay, I'm good. Mort- Mortadella? Mortadella? Not mort-ordella, it's not a Lord of the Rings thing. Mort-ordella there? I'll take either one of them. Whoever's available.

If I can't talk to Mort, I'll talk to Della. Listen, no, it's, maybe- I would love a rat machine. Well, you can't. No, it's not a rat machine. A rat noise machine. No, it's a rat would love a rat machine. Well, yeah, I got to get you a rat noise machine. No, it's a rat machine. Oh, what? It makes noises. It's not a rat noise machine. OK, please explain. That's why it's frustrating.

That's because it is because the neighbor, the neighbor who posted the note on the door said rat noise machine. But Noel does say, he said, I do not have I don't have any sort of rat machine. No, I don't have any sort of rat machine. No, I don't have any sort of rat machine. I have the one rat machine that you want. Oh, I see. So you mean like I don't have just any rat machine? You mean a sort of rat machine? Yeah, no, you don't have a sort of rat machine. No, this is the, yeah, this isn't a sort of, this is directly a rat machine. And what-

So it's sort of like you were insulted the idea that you had some sort of generic rat machine. The truth is, so I'm on TikTok, whatever corner I'm on, I can't believe no one else is on it. There are so many people in this community, modifying, souping up their rat machines, doing interesting things to it. Really?

It's a great community. It's so fun. What is the hashtag? What is the hashtag? Hashtag rat machine. Okay. No, no, no, don't, I feel like we need to take just a couple steps back.

What is a rat machine? Thank you. I am desperate to know. And I just wanted someone to ask the question. I think before we get into the hashtags, we do need to know what is a rat machine. So first of all, I want to be very clear. Everyone asks, what is a rat machine?

What is a rat machine? Right. It's truthful yet. What isn't a rat machine? Oh, my rat machine. No, no, no, no. It's great. My rat machine, it doesn't do things to rats. Okay. And I want to clarify that it does things with rats. I have a machine that does up to 150 things with rats and there's room for expansion.

None. This sounds not good. It's so fun. No, you can do any sort of thing. One example. Yeah. You can wash one. You can put it in. It's so imagine a glass. Okay, that's something you do to a rat. No, not something you can wash with the rat. You give the rat a brush and it washes. Oh, come on. So you're kind of helping it out. And then of course, it's kind of a car wash. You can do a car wash

or a bathtub. Now I have to ask how. Oh my gosh. It's up to you. You want to be- It's not, it should be up to the rat. Wow, that's true. So in the menu of things you can do, you go to wash and then there's like a sub menu that says either brush or bath or car wash. Bath or a car wash. Okay. Yeah, so you can- Can I ask how big this machine is?

Yeah, I would say it's the size of like a printer at a high school, like a faculty printer. Oh, high school printer, okay. High school printer, so specific high school, like a faculty printer. High school printer, okay. A high school printer, so specific. Yeah, but it's fun, you know, there's obviously business things to do in a rat machine. There's pleasure and of course there's leisure.

You say it might be obvious to you to do business rat things, but you know what? You would be surprised. It's not obvious to me. It's not. So could you please- It doesn't bring anything to my mind. Yeah, it doesn't, no.

Wait, when I say honestly, I've never put those two together. Hold on a minute. Let me say it again. And let me look at both your eyes. Rat business, rat business. Absolutely nothing. Okay. And I'll shout it to the deli rat business. What do you think when you hear, if you could see my face, I don't think you get much out of it. Awesome. I am shocked. You can't get a lot out of Doug's face. Okay. Awesome. I am shocked. A lot of times you can't get a lot out of Doug's face. Okay. If you could see my face, I don't think you'd get a lot out of it. Rats got, I figure rats got business to do.

Yeah, they do have business. Doug got very folksy. I figure rats got business to do. In business with rats as well, right? The way I reckon. Hey, can you say it as the guy from Deadwood? The way I reckon. Even a rat's got business to do. Because they've got business, they're pretty fucking sick of business.

They're such a pissy, pissy boob. And then just crying, just sobbing. Just sobbing, man. Yeah. She cries an awful lot. Yeah, she does. I like her though. I liked her turn as a nice woman on Big Little Lies. Wasn't that a shot?

Of course we're talking about the amazing actress. Now I can't come up with her name. Her name is lost to time. Her name is Robin. Robin Weigert. Her first name is Robin Weigert. We did it. She's amazing.

She is amazing. So OK, I'm sorry. Can you give an example of what a rat business can, of a rat business in the menu, under rat business in the machine? Yeah, I'm trying. No, it's good. I'm trying, but it is. I'm really. So, so look, it's again, it's just an amazing machine where you get to work with rats and it's one of the first times. I feel like when I ask, it's almost like a debate. I feel like when I asked you for the answer, you then just talked to me about an overview of the machine and I want a specific rat business mechanism.

So I would ask what business, right? Are you talking about small business? Are you going to start a business with a rat? Why would you ask us? We're trying to nail this down. Well, so no, let me clarify. Business is complicated. I'm happy to give you an answer. So if you're looking about a small business, you can start, this machine will help you start an LLC with a rat, which is so exciting. It helps you. I'm sorry. No. That's not something like a car wash. That's not a one button thing. Start an LLC.

What is the rat's contribution truly to starting the LLC? Well, you got to get in the machine and find out what they want to say. Why does the rat have to worry about taxes? Have you seen dog buttons? Buttons for dogs, where they press the button. It's like, I want to get food. Oh, yes.

I have seen that. I didn't realize they were called dog buttons. I thought it was a children's performer. No dog buttons? Yeah. Oh, I know dog buttons. He's getting canceled. Oh, I'm not surprised. Same old thing. Yeah.

The huge. Yeah. Okay. So, so all right. Dog buttons. Yes. Where you can push a button and you realize, oh, they're saying I'm thirsty, I wanna go out. So then how, so what, the rat pushes a button that says I want an LLC? No, you put it in and you say, hey, I'm interested in starting an LLC, obviously.

What do you mean you put it in? You put the rat in the machine? No, well, so the rat's already in the machine. Oh, I didn't know I had to describe that the rat is being put in the machine. Oh, you have to describe it to us like we are children. Okay, no, no. I know you want like we are children. Okay, no, no. I know you want everyone to be adults.

No, no. His head is almost snapping off of his neck. This is, you can't. He's really making fun of us. You simply can't be this way. I just can't believe it. I know you want us to be adults, but right now explain it to us like we're just aliens

from another planet. You're right. And you know what, I'm getting ahead. What, is Rat Machine? I'm the moderator on the Rat Machine Reddit, and so I'm getting ahead. I am. I'm a rat machine. I am the, I'm the moderator on the rat machine Reddit. And so I know a lot. I know a lot. And I'm, I'm kind of, I'm so immersed in people who also know it. It's really hard for me to be around people who don't. Okay.

Pretend we're doing an AMA. Okay. Okay. And I'm asking, I love when you guys are asking me questions. We're interviewing you and asking you questions. And then you're answering them directly. I'll do it. Like immediately. I'm in. Okay.

Is the rat ever allowed to leave the machine or is the rat always put in the machine for whatever it needs to be done? When you work with someone, aren't they allowed to do whatever they want? See, you can't answer a question with a question. Let me tell you what, rats are allowed to come and go as they please.

And- In general. Yeah, and that's a life rule. I think that that's I think that was no knowledge and that's that's on my my my doormat and you walk in rats are allowed to come and go as they please. Okay, yeah. Take care of your shoes. Rats are allowed to come and go. I would be nervous to enter that house. I have to be honest. Honestly, it's my roommates like a warning. It was really hard. You have one of those signs in this house. I have to be honest. Honestly, it's my roommates. It's like a warning. It was really hard. Do you have one of those signs in this house?

We believe that rats are allowed to come and go wherever they please. It was hard to convince my roommates to allow me to do all this. Oh, you have roommates? Yeah. For please talk about that. Yes. Their names are Terry, David, Estancio and Lewis. Great. Yeah. And they teachers as well. They are teachers. Yeah, we all teach it at the same Lewis. Great. Are they teachers as well? They are teachers.

Yeah, we all teach at the same school. Yeah. DHHS. Oh yeah, that's right. DHHS. Dignity Halls High School. As we know, the brand new Dignity Falls High School was the one that is the first skyscraper in Dignity Falls.

They put the theater on the top and then Russian, you know, Russian oligarchs own like floors 50 through 60. And so a lot of people didn't like that. A lot of people had vertigo fear of heights. And so that's why they had to build dignity halls, which is not just one story bunch of halls. Yeah. So dignity halls it's, it's yeah. And we classrooms are long and classrooms are narrow Yeah, but yeah, so Returning students will say like oh, it's it's not as long as I remember. Yeah. Yeah, they always go Oh, I remember this looking so long this I Man, this is in my dreams when I think about my long hallway classrooms The night before a big job interview

It's so much less ominous. So are the roommates on board with the rat machine situation? They've gotten on board because they figured out all the wonderful things they can do with rats. Right. And then I also need to ask this question. How many rats are in your house at any time? Great question. That is a great question. And I can give you a solid answer. Thank you. 415.

Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. Well, there's a line. Brent, what is going on? What? Look, okay. 415. Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. Well, there's a line. What is going on? Look, look, okay. So let me be very clear. Okay. The rat machine has allowed me to communicate with rats in a way nobody else has other than people who also have rat machines. And so word has gotten out about the rat machine to other rats. And so I get a line. It's the hottest place in town. It's like we opened a cupcake shop. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like all over the place. Everyone's waiting. These rats are saying,

let me in there. These are revolutionary because I'm going to be, excuse me. I'm spitting. He's spitting all over, all over my granite counter, all over everywhere. These are revolutionary because we are beginning to speak to rats in a way that no one else has. The government doesn't want us to because the government doesn't want us to talk to rats like that. Right.

Now we're talking about the government. Why do you think that is? I think they think that rats have nothing to say. Oh, so the government's just think, just think, oh, there's nothing there. There's no cover up. They just think that's not interesting. The rats have told me this.

The rats have told me this in one of our machines. When I say communicate with them, talk with them. One of your machines. Well, yeah, by the way, I have four. Are we surprised? Now, when you you communicate, do you have buttons for I, is there a button that says, I don't think the government believes I can do anything. Well, first of all, it's one communicate that and do you have one program to say, bitch, I want to be very clear. Um, listen to me. They don't have

buttons, right? It's a screen. Okay. digital. And they use it however they want to. No, no, no, no, no, not however they want to. How do they use it? Because I think we need to know that. Unless you truly don't know. How do you pick up a cup? Oh boy, he's getting sassy with me. Well, I don't have a cup,

but I'll pick up a cup right in front of you. Just like that. Okay, and how would you pick up a phone? But here's the thing. How would you pick up a phone? No. He's getting very agitated. You're listing examples of things

that we know the rough dimensions of and how to interact with them. When you just say this machine has a screen, is it a touch screen? Yes. Okay, so the rats touch the screen. Well, with the stylus. Are they, okay, are they writing?

Do they write words? Are they writing English? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, this is the thing. They are writing English. This is crazy. They're writing, well, are they writing? Do they write words? Are they writing English? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, this is the thing. They are writing English. This is crazy. They're writing, well, in one of the machines. And that's why there's four machines for different languages. Spanish, English. Okay, I thought one machine was for baths and showers. No, no, no, no. All of the machines do baths.

That's a setting on the machines. This is. You know what? I'm going to send you some videos. Please. I'm going to send you a lot of videos. I'm following this. Oh, are you already on it, babe? No, I'm just saying, you some videos. Please. I'm going to send you a lot of videos. I'm following this. Oh, are you already on it, babe? No, I'm just saying everything you're saying makes sense to me. Thank you.

It does? I can get you a rat machine. I feel like that tracks. You have room in the deli for rats. Oh, we have plenty of room. Do they have Wi-Fi? Could you have a rat machine in a deli? I don't.

We're not getting a rat machine. I don't need a line of rats out there. Can you daisy chain them? Yeah, absolutely. And rats have a hotspot too. Can you form a rat machine king? Actually, people don't know about this. Like a land party? Can you make the rat. Can you daisy chain them? Yeah, absolutely. And rats have a hotspot too. Can you form a rat machine king?

Actually people don't know about this. Like a lamb party? Can you make the rat machine king? Like a lamb party? Yeah. They actually don't like rat king. They actually don't like that. Oh, they don't like that.

But I will say rats- Tell them I'm sorry. What's rat king? A rat king is when a bunch of rats get all their tails mixed up together. Oh, I didn't know this. They form a super rat. Wow, it's like you did no research on rats before I came. You know what? That is true. I didn't do any research on rats.

That's interesting. And what's that noise? What is that sound? It's not. That's the that's the the deli toaster. Oh, the deli toaster. Yeah. Why is a loud toaster?

Like, does it run on does it run on gasoline? Well, it's incredibly fast. Why is it still going then? Well, it's incredibly fast. Why is it still going then? I like it. Well done. You must be making a lot of toast. Now you're talking my language. Well done, toast.

Love it. Oh, he loves it. Bert's just like his name. Can't eat it anymore. I have a little surprise coming for you, Bert. Oh, oh wow. Oh, still going. Not much of a surprise.

What, he got a bagel in there? Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, can I ask a question that takes us way back in time? Of course. Who developed these machines and where do you get them? So it was a happy accident. The way these machines were developed. Like most things.

Yeah, in 2008. Necessity. Yeah, the housing crisis hit a lot of people. And they went into a house that was foreclosed on. They? Who's they? The people that made the rap machines. Oh, you don't know their names? Well, they won't tell us who they are. They're going to reveal it in three years.

What? Why? He said, we made a machine. We'll tell you who we are in 30 years. But no, you said three. Well, this was in 2008 when they started the machine. Well, this was a long time ago. When did these people appear to you? What do they look like? That's the right way to ask that question.

It's very, very simply. I got a note that said, hey, you want to see something? You got a note. Yeah, I got a note on the front of my door. Okay. You want to see something? What on the front? I was teaching, I was doing my own thing

on the front of my door. Can you believe it? And, and, and I was teaching, I was doing my thing. I'm also teaching has been tough for me. I'm not even learning the kids' names anymore. I'm so tired. Oh wow. That's rough. I'm just, I'm just needing a new change in my life. Sure. Really? Yeah. And at the end of the day, I'll come in and I'll say, I'm not even going to learn your names. It's not like you're going to listen to me. Oh, you announce it. Oh, okay. Well, at least you're upfront with them. Yeah. I'll tell you what, it does make them really work to try to get to know me. Sure. So that's interesting.

It's interesting. I'm not sure it's good, but okay. So I don't know if it's good either. Someone left a note on your door. Let's just stay, if it's okay with you, let's just stay focused. What did the note say again? Could you? So the note said, you want to see something okay and i said yeah okay when you say okay like did you write yeah back or did you say yeah to the to the front it was actually a really interesting crazy moment i looked at it and i said out loud yeah and something fell what i think they were on my roof and they and this thing fell and thing fell. A thing fell. And I went over.

I'm guessing it was the machine. It wasn't. And I always make a mistake when I assume on this podcast. Never assume. Yes. All right, that's on me. Go. It was a big book.

A big book. It was a big, like a, like a, like a moleskin notebook, but bigger, like the size of a coffee table book. And there was one note and it said, it said, are you scared of rats? And there was nothing else written in the book. One note. One gigantic book that said, are you scared of rats? And I said, I looked around again.

I said, no. And then a guy came out of a van and he said, go with me. This is, this story gets weirder by the second. So you just get in this man's van. Yeah. Did the van have a tail? No, no one was following us. I don't think. He's picturing the D in this man's van. Did the van have a tail? No, no one was following us. I don't think. He's picturing the Dumb and Dumber van. No, would you, would you excuse us for just one moment?

Yeah, go ahead. Doug, what did that mean? I'm telling you. Like a rat tail. He's imagining, you know, what, wasn't it in the movie? That it's a van. Shaggenwagen. You're talking about the Shaggenwagen. That's right.

You're talking about the Shaggenwagen. That's right. You're talking about the Shaggenwagen. I haven't seen the film. But my notion of that would come from much earlier than Dumb and Dumber. Okay. Doug said that with extreme insults, like his character has been insulted.

You've got to back up a little bit. And I'm sorry, but he sure did. So what, what, what, what did put that in your mind? Well, this person, I'm assuming, invented the rat machine. Yes. So I'm assuming they're banned. Oh, so you get to assuming you were right. Well, good for you. But I don't want to assume, you know what they say about assuming. Sure. Makes a big old jackass out of us. That's right. That's right. There's an even wittier way to say it, but it doesn't matter, babe.

It's okay. It just scans a little better. But anyway, the rats have a saying like that too. They do. What is it? It's really, really funny. But anyway, the rats have a saying like that too. They do. What is it? It's really, really funny. Oh, can you tell us? Yeah, I can. Okay. I don't know if, I don't know if it'll make sense. It's translated differently in their language, but basically it's, um, it's, it's yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, watch it, watch it, watch it. But if it's so yucky, why am I eating it? It sounds like an old stand up comedian with a poked nose.

Why am I eating it? Isn't that interesting? I forgot what the original expression was that we were talking about. But I will say- Oh, assume, never assume. One rat asked me, one rat told me that, and then I said that to another rat,

and they said, I don't know what you're talking about. So that rat might've been fucking with me. Oh, sure. Oh, that's disturbing the idea that the rats are- I don't know what they think of me. Playing mind games, I don't know what you're talking about. So that rat might've been fucking with. Oh, sure. Oh, that's, um, that's disturbing. The idea of the rats are playing mind games. I've asked them, I've asked them like, you know, cause there's a, in the conversation settings on my rap machine, you can kind of, you can pick kind of the tone in which they're receiving it. So like, like an Alexa or a, or I've been pressing pry a lot. I've been prying a little bit about what they think of me. Oh, I think. And I think, yeah, conversationally. That's an interesting setting. I know. This machine is amazing. Wait, so it's

about. Can you believe it? I'm able to pry information out of rats. It is about what they think of you. Yeah. So it's like, are you mad at me? Yeah. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. Yeah. And the rats, when I'm having a bad day, I take it out on the rats and they know it. Oh, wait a minute. How do you take it out on them? Oh, I just I'm just a little needy with them when I talk to them. But then I'll also, you know, we'll do the fun settings. I'll turn it in, you know, I'll press bounce house, I'll press tickle. I'll do all that stuff.

What? Bounce house? Yeah, I don't even know. There's so many things and I don't know which one to pick. I'm torn between wanting to know what happened after he went in the van, but I don't want to assume. No, yeah. Can you just finish that story? Yeah. I don't know. It matters. It's the tales all this time, right? It took me. They took me in the van, took me to an old staples. I walked into the old staples. There was a man in a club, right? Right. Right. The man in the cloak said, Hey, you want to see something? I said, I already saw this on a note. He said, Oh, I'm sorry.

You're a little farther ahead than other people. So it sounds like they're a bit disorganized. They said, yeah, it really does. So they said, okay, you're actually embarrassing. Really? The man in the cloak talked to the man in the van. The man in the van looked a little upset and looked a little embarrassed. I mean, I heard this was your last strike. The man in the cloak said that. So I got back in the van. Took me to a field. There was, um, uh, 3000 rats. That's a lot. That's a lot of, a lot of rap. Yeah.

They all waved at me at once. Okay. Yeah. With their foot, with their foot. They waved at you with their foot. Oh, there's, I mean, something's off about this. Like a back foot? That's the first time that you thought something was off. Yeah, yeah. Actually, rats only have two feet. Is that true? Their front feet are hands.

Wow, that's interesting. They call them hands. Just like us. They call them hands. Just like what? Just like us. Just like us. There's a lot of things.

We're not so different. We're really not so different. Which brings me to ask the question, and I think it's very simple. If there was a machine where there was another species that was so much bigger than us, where you could walk into that machine and understand those creatures, wouldn't you guys do that? Like the movie Arrival? Not for me, no. The movie Arrival was so disappointing.

No, babe. It was Amy Adams. That's the Arrival. That's the Arrival. Jeremy Renner. I always think of that. And I found it really, it was a letdown and just depressing. And it was just these squid-like things squirting ink and I don't know. She just never really quite figured it out. And

there was time travel. It was very, very confusing to me. You'd hate a rat machine then. So yeah, I would not like a rat machine. Rat machine is basically a rival. Yeah. And it's just that sound. Oh, is there language that's kind of circle? No, we're the aliens in this situation. Oh, I see.

Oh, we're the aliens. Because rats are smaller. The rats are Amy Adams. Yeah. It's. These rats that you say are lined up out the door. What's the I don't want to ask this, but I'm going to have to anyway. Go ahead.

What's the situation? When are you sleeping? Where are you sleeping? Where are these rats hanging out in your house? Well, is the line orderly? Yeah, it's orderly and it's quiet. And every time I walk in, they're all staring at me. It's really interesting.

Oh, like, let me OK. This is well, but I'll tell you, I mean, I had to say this is saying something because we've had a lot of characters on this podcast. Yes, we have. This is one of the more disturbing situations I've heard. Oh gosh, I hate to hear that. I know, but- That bums me out,

because I'm so proud of my rap machine. Have you ever had guests over? Does anyone come over to your house other than your roommates? Who? I don't mean raps. Okay. So, anyone?

No. Yeah, okay. But what I will say, so, well, look, I am dating. Oh, congrats. Congrats. Thank you so much. And you know, we love that word. You can't say congrats. Oh, my.

So thank you so much. Thank you so much. You're speaking my language. Literally. It's been really fun, but I usually go back to their place because I don't necessarily want to. You're always going to their place. You don't want to bring, you don't want to bring a partner back to this house. Why is that? I need you to say it out loud. I want to make sure they're dating me for me and I want to make sure they're

not trying to get to my rat machine. And you're sure that it's not because they're going to walk in that house and say, Oh my God. I, I, and, and run away and, and and run away and try to get as far away from you as possible because it's terrifying. Do you have four rat machines going at the same time? It takes so much power to have them going at the same time. So we have to alternate. So there's four different lines, obviously. And this is the sound that neighbors are hearing.

What sound are they actually hearing? Yes, thank you. Yeah, well, so it's many sounds, right? Can I say, here's what I was picturing, you you know because people have those environmental machines so they used to go to sleep sure you mean doug has rain plays wind whatever yeah why people why was wind on there i have no idea it's chilling doesn't make me go to sleep no no it's scary yeah i like cat marina what's cat marina it's on the Headspace app. Okay. It's a Marina full of cats.

A Marina? I don't usually play it. Why does that have to be? The rats don't like it. Why is there an aquatic element to it? They're docking their boats. I don't know. And this is a great-

Doug is 100% in. I gotta show you Cat Marina on the Headspace app. You have to. And he's gonna have a painting of it. Much like the dogs playing poker. It's a cozy Marina. I would imagine. Cat Captains. I can see it right now. I know you can babe. It's essentially you

walk into a loss Marina. It's overrun by cat loss. Marie, I think. And then it would have to be in order to be run over by cats. I mean, I haven't seen it. It's all audio. I just, what I imagine I it's, it's very nice. You see how we got so off of that. Cause now we're talking about cat Marine is your initial question was you were going to say what you imagine hearing. Oh yeah. I would love to hear what you think a rat machine sounds like. Okay.

Well, that's very challenging. No, no, don't get out of here. You're getting so agitated again. I thought it was going to snap off. I genuinely love it. Oh God. Don't do that again. It's scary.

I assumed I, what I had pictured in my mind was it was one of those little machines and it plays the noises that rats make. Yeah. So it'd be a little like, that's it. I was just getting with maybe a little squeak. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And the end, just those two. That's it. Just some shuffling and some scratching, some scratching. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're saying there's more than just that. You think it makes the noises that rats make? I'm telling you, it makes the noises that rats love. I'm telling you, it makes the noises that rats love.

Okay. That's what's fun-derful. It's fun-derful. It's fun-derful. That is such a, that is a good word. It's fun-derful. It's fun and it's wonderful. It's fun-derful, guys.

That sounds like something Dogbuzz would say. It's fun-derful. Oh, well that is, it's a Dogbuzz. Are you ready for a fun-derful day? Are you ready? Dogbuzz. We love you, Dogbuzz. We love you dog buttons. We miss you.

I don't believe them. The allegations are true. I don't believe them. I don't believe all of them. Believe dog buttons. Oh no, no, no. I would think the sound depends a lot on what the rats choose to do.

Yeah, so if we're doing rat disco, right? It's club music. Rats. Now then why would neighbors's club music, rat club music. Now then why would neighbors hear club music and write a note saying, I'm hearing rat noise? Why would they hear the noises rats enjoy and know that you have a rat sound machine? What?

To be honest, I assume they also have a rat machine and they're competing. And they're trying to shut my rat machine out of business. And this is one of those cases where when you assume you have, what is it? Made a jackass of all of us. A big old jackass. A big old jackass. Wait, what?

The person who complained said, please stop rat noise machine. My ears are sensitive. Yeah. So it's, I took it to be a matter of volume. Yeah, it's loud. Not that they're in competition with your rat machine. Right. The fact that you assume that they all had other machines. Because I think you would see lines out the door for all of their machines of rats and that would be an indicator, right?

Well, I think that he's got the corner. He's cornered the market. He's proud of his rat machine. I have it on good authority and I don't have it on bad. There is somebody else in Dignity Falls with a rat machine. I've seen them on the reddits. I've seen their fan edits of the reddits. I've seen them. I've seen their fan edits of their own rap machines on TikTok.

You've seen their stitches. I've seen their stitches. I see a lot of stitching. I've seen that that statue in the middle of the town. Oh, yes. The background. Oh, yes. Um, yeah, you guys know him.

Yes. Statue. Well, yeah. It's the statue of, um... He was the famous blacksmith. Yes. And that's why it's him. of... He was the famous blacksmith. Yes. And that's why it's him, but like his son tried to forge it, but famously the whole

factory melted as they tried to forge this. It was a terrible moment of irony in that he was trying to make this wonderful statue and smelt this wonderful statue. And it's actually just a melted, he has a melted face. His hand is in it too. Yeah, it was Ishmael Murdoch. Ishmael Murdoch. Was his name.

And he was a formidable blacksmith. He really was. He was known in town for being able to do. He was like our original 3D printer. He made metal shoes for people. Many metal shoes. People loved them. They were somehow comfortable.

They were orthopedic in a weird way. He's my inspiration to being a formidable business owner. You know what I mean? Not a lot of people like to be formidable when they're running a business cause that's not approachable. What, how, what, how, what business do you have? Oh, I thought you were a teacher. Don't care about teaching anymore. Can't also own business. No, of course they can. Of course they can.

I guess it's real. You're telling all the teachers of America that own Etsy stores. His head's going crazy again. All the teachers of America who do Uber, that they can't also be small businesses. I don't want the teachers to be mad at me. His spine goes absolutely straight and he gets so angry. I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

So yeah, look, the rat machine, the byproduct of the rap machine is what I make the money on. Which is? Oh no, I'm afraid for this answer. This is 150 different things, right? There's a product of every single thing that you use. There's so many things. We're working with them, we're not milking them. No, we're not using them.

No one ever said you were milking them. Can I ask you a question? Let's pause here. When was the last time you slept? Oh, great question, Joan. Hmm. How much time is considered sleep? You definitely, we're supposed to get eight to 10 hours,

they say. Okay. Now, how much sleep do you get? Is it eight to 10? Am I wrong? I never get it. I would love to get 10 hours of sleep. No kidding. I'd love to get eight. No kidding.

But 10 hours? I mean, that's, no one can do that. No one can do it. Just teenagers. Just teenagers. My teenagers is why I don't get eight to 10. How many hours do you get a night? I'll tell you this.

It's really politician vibes. I told you it was like a debate. Look, I would sleep, but I have so much I want to be awake for. So that's a no. You are, I think you are, I think you're exhibiting a lot of characteristics of someone who has, who has, has, has over caffeinated, under slept, uh, you know, the way that he's foaming

at the mouth a little bit. You know what's reminding me of, and I may have mentioned this before, but you know, the movie, um, oh, what was it? We were Diane Lane has an affair. Richard Gere might be in it. Unfaithful. Unfaithful. Unfaithful. That's right. We were talking about this when we watched Arbitrage.

That's right. Yes. Have you ever seen Arbitrage? No. It's Burns' favorite movie. It's a real roller coaster. I'll tell you what. You got to come to one of the rowdy screenings. Oh, I would love to. Can I bring my rats? Oh, I was just going to say don't bring rats. Well, the rats probably would love Arbitrage.

Why, babe? Why would they love Arbitrage? Because the word forming LLCs, they're doing business. The word rat is in there somewhere. It's a real cautionary tale. It's true. You can't scramble arbitrage without spelling rat. That's true. Everyone's trying to scramble arbitrage lately.

They really are. So in the movie Unfaithful, the man who makes Diane Lane unfaithful, he says to her at one point, your eyes are so beautiful, you should never close them. Not even at night. Oh, wow. Yeah, and that's, yeah. When the ladies went across the country, just lost their pants.

A woman in the middle of the night, just with her eyes open, lying in bed. Just eyes dry as a bone. If her husband said it to her, she'd be like, go fuck yourself. Again, I was in character, but a hot Frenchman says it, and she's like, huh. That makes sense.

Yeah. And it makes me horny. Exactly. Correct. I will be a little honest with you guys. I get it. I actually get it. If I could just be honest, there are some things.

I wish you could. Oh, please. We'd love that. There are some things that keep me up at night. You know, the ramifications of the rat machine. And also the rats in general, right? I'm assuming the rats keep you up at night. Well, the rats keep me up at night

because they're trying to show how good they are. They're very quiet. They want me to show them how good they are. Well, they want in the machine so bad. Are you afraid of like, you know, a revolution? Are you afraid that the rats are going to turn on you? No, I have to. Okay, burnt out is good.

Are you afraid of a rat volution? No, because I have what they want and they can't operate the machine without me. They've tried. Say that and they've tried. The fact that they've tried is a sign. Rats are pretty clever and I feel like they are figure it out. Yes, they could.

Stylists is big for the, for the screen. Right. So, and they can't get along and they, they can't really, yeah, they're always like, so they can't work together. They're too eager once they get to the operational. Yeah. I've seen them. I've seen them. Are most of them left-handed or right-handed?

Great question, Joan. So both-handed. No, they're amidestris. They use both hands. But I would consider their hands. Jane? Wait, what? Jane? Is that Calamity Jane? Is that you? Oh, yes.

Oh, is she back? Amidestris, I'm going to throw him both.? I'm going to die. I'm going to see you. I love you. I wish I did it. Yeah, they use both hands and not that they're ambidextrous. They use them at the same time. That's what I meant. Oh, okay. So they can't do anything with one hand. They have to use both hands. Yeah, totally. Well, that sort of makes them default ambidextrous,

doesn't it? I guess it does. If you are using both hands. They probably are equally correct, yes. Yeah, amboethdextrous. Amboethdextrous. I'll ask them if they have a word for it. Great.

But look, I would love to give you guys. I don't know, what is the look? What is the, what do we, what enclosing? What is the enclosing on this? But look, guys. All I'm what is the enclosing? What is the enclosing on this? All I'm saying and the reason I'm here is if you have an issue with me, come to me and talk about it. And that's what we did. You came to us, we came to you, we're talking about it. Hopefully everyone will hear this in the neighborhood. If you're hearing disco music and the sound of rats jostling for position to get into a rat machine and

you see a line of hundreds of rats out the door, knock on the door and say what's up. Don't just leave a note. Talk to me. I'll show you my rat machine. I'll give you a coupon to get your own rat machine. There's so much to do. No, I really think my prediction is that after this episode airs, I don't think you're going to be bothered a whole lot anymore.

Honestly, I don't think people are going to get anywhere near you or your house. You might find that people move. The police are the only people that might enter your house. Health department, PETA. What the health department can't shut down a house. Oh, they absolutely can. They can. No way.

Yes, absolutely. No way. They can condemn it. They can absolutely condemn a house. Yeah, right. He's unconvinced. We cannot convince him. Some people have to learn the hard way, I suppose.

I know some people in the health department, they see him on the rad. Oh, are they rats? Yeah, they're rats. Now you said you could offer a coupon for a rat machine, which absolutely Doug wanted to take you up on. I'm afraid to ask how much they are. Where do they sell these?

And is it a brick and mortar? Or do you, how do you obtain one? Is it always with the van and the people that go? Do they do a pop-up? How do you get these things? Haven't that, I think they are doing a pop-up. Great. They're doing a brand new pop-up

at the farmer's market this week. Okay. Oh. How are they? I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of food there. Well, Doug is going to be there buying his extra strength bagel.

So I think that he'll probably want to. What makes them extra strong? Forgive me if we've discussed this. Remember when he was toasting, he was using that crazy machine and you asked if it was a bagel because it's a real, it's a real strong. That's why it takes so much to toast. And I've been at the same one of the farmers' market. They have delayed release bagels. Delayed release.

Yeah, about eight hours later, it really hits. And if you really don't like sleeping well, you can have a release bagels. Delayed release. Really good. Yeah. About eight hours later, it really hits. And if you really don't like sleeping well, you can have a nighttime bagel. Yes. Yes. That'll put you right down. You know, when I was a child, I remember seeing commercial for the cold medicine, Contact.

Not Contact, but Contact. No, I remember, yes. And they would open up the capsule, and all the little beads would spill out. Yes, I remember that. I was obsessed with that. Yes, I remember out. I was obsessed with that. Yes, I remember that. I was fascinated by that. I thought maybe that's the way you were supposed to take it.

Is that why you became a pharmacist? Oh, that might be it. A formative memory. Doug, I never thought about that. You might be right. It's interesting. Do you know that this is a real sidebar, but I had asthma as a child and there was a type of capsule that had exactly those little white things in it that I was supposed to swallow, but I couldn't. So my family, my sister tried it, my husband tried it, my, I mean, nope, not my husband,

my mom's husband, who was my dad, tried it. And they poured the little white things into yogurt. That's what they did so that I wouldn't notice. But if you chomp down the little white things, I couldn't swallow the pill. And it got me. That's right, it was't swallow the pill. You didn't know how to, yes, that's right. It was very bad at it. But it was the kind of pills like nobody's business.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to have you over it. Cause we've been trying to teach the rats how to swallow pills. I am pressing swallow pill button and they get so scared. There's one button that says swallow pill. That's what I was going to ask the just the general maintenance of this thing. Oh, great. Yeah.

I mean, I'm assuming you plug it into power, but then do you pour in pellets? Is that all you have to do or like, well, they're not there to be. Are you doing vocal warmups? I certainly hope they plug it into power and pull the pellets. Oh, here it comes. Pour in the pellets. Here comes another good tongue twister. They are not there to be fed unless I press the button.

So I don't have pellets in there. So they you tell the rest. Come having had come full. Do they have a can they? What about coffee? Like, do they ever want coffee? Great question. Do they ever want coffee?

I know you need it all the time. I do. They love coffee. Sometimes we'll press coffee, coffee, coffee. So he's got hundreds of caffeinated rats running around. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Little mugs. Come in immediately.

Coffee bitch. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, bitch. Coffee bitch, coffee bitch. Don't talk to me until I've got my coffee. Yeah, and then it's coffee, coffee, coffee bitch, coffee, coffee, coffee bitch, then disco starts. Oh sure, absolutely. And then it's like, then that becomes

kind of like an Odessa style song. Yeah, baby. Like duck sauce, yeah. Yeah, it's huge, then that becomes kind of like an Odessa style song. Yeah. Like duck sauce. Yeah. Yeah. Don't play Sylvester now. You're conducting these completely not above board clinical trials with these things. I don't know who to worry about more.

The rats or you. They're not trials. They're not trials. They're not for any, anything but the pleasure of the rats and the joy of the rats. Are you sure they get pleasure? How do you know they get pleasure from it? Well, they fill out the rats. And the joy of the rats. Are you sure they get pleasure? How do you know they get pleasure from it? Well, they fill out the survey.

And they love it. They get both hands around that stylus and fill out that survey. Oh my gosh. And they go to town. Yes, on every box. It's a Google form. It's great. Look, I want to just cover the main thing really fast. Okay.

It's self-cleaning and it's solar powered. And so a lot of it, I mean. I somehow knew you were gonna say that. That's good. Yeah, it is good. Yeah. So we don't have to plug it into power. No more questions, everybody. I mean, I feel like every question we ask provokes a further question. Can mice use it? Can mice use it? Yes. No. Oh my gosh. That's a really good question. He asked it with such anticipation. He needed to get that one in there. Can mice use it? Can mice use it? I know I can't see you, but I feel that was written down. They can't and they've tried

and they'll come dressed as rats and I'll take a picture of them. Oh, like three of them on top of each other in a trench coat. Three mice in a rat coat. And they're in a rat coat. Are there any plans to make one big enough that would accommodate a capybara?

Because I would love to talk to those guys. Oh, you would? Oh, that's sweet. Well, they get along with all of the animal kingdom. They do? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Everybody likes them.

Oh my gosh, it's so great. It's so funny you say that, rats don't. And I think the rats are the only ones. Oh, rats don't like capybaras. Because they're bigger. They're bigger. A bigger version of them. And I think they're insecure. Rats have a lot of insecurity. You guys might not know

this or even think this when you see because of the plague. It's the plague. They feel like they're trying to fix their reputation. And it's so sad. That's gotta be hard. It's sad. I mean, they just, they can't outlive that, you know, 900 years. No, and they only live for how long people, people forgave Mel Gibson sooner. I know, truly. I know, I never was mad. I, you know. Wow, okay. I'm sorry, that's a rat joke. What a take.

That's a rat joke. What a take, oh, that's a rat joke. That's a rat joke. Okay. Sorry, there's a Mel Gibson in the rat world who is really nice. Wow, okay. Yeah.

I don't even know what that might mean that there's a Mel Gibson in the rat world. I wish we had time to get into that. I in here too. Here's what I'll offer. Okay Final offer the whole time. I feel like I've been being self sold. Well, and you haven't bought Look all I'm saying is you would love a rap machine. Okay, I can get you access Can I say it's bad to answer the question? Is this an MLM with look? Thank you, bird, thank you. Okay, and I hear you.

And what I'm gonna say to that is, I just wanna say, if you want to ask me a question, and I won't bullshit you in any way, I can, I'll answer anything to you guys right now. All right. Just go ahead, carte blanche. Are you trying to take over the world with rats? No, no.

Okay, that's good. No. Are you happy? No over the world with rats? No. No. Oh, okay. That's good. No. Are you happy? No. Okay. This is no scene. This is not the question to ask. Is there a what women want in the rat world? Sorry, Mel Gibson. That's the question he wants. He wants to know if there's a Kate Hudson. No, no, no. Helen Hunt.

Is it Kate Hudson? There's a Helen Hunt. There's a Helen Hunt. Is there a Helen Hunt in the rat world? There's what female rats want. And it is so funny. I got it confused with 10 ways to lose a rat. Ha ha ha. How to lose a rat in 10 days? Sorry, how to lose a rat in 10 days. That's actually a scary movie for them.

Because they don't want to be lost. Because they don't want to be lost. Exactly. They have an identity issue. We could really go on and on, but we should probably stop. Cause I think you probably haven't been outside of your house for this long, for years. I know I'm going to, I'm going to eat out today too. Cause I've left the house. Yeah.

About why not? Yeah. I got a sandwich coming for you. No way. You found the Morton and the Della. It's got more and Ella. Okay. How lucky am I? Now you can tell me over and over again that Mort and Della is a lunch meat and not a cheese and I'll forget it every time. I did just earlier. If you go back and listen,

I think you'll hear me say it's a cheese. I will have forgotten it by the time I remember. Mots or Rella. We'll be right back when the Neighborhood Listens returns. almost everything you need for a beautiful bridal or baby shower or birthday party. Everything in the pictures is included. The candle, all flowers, light sticks, tea lights, everything. Because here's the thing y'all, what you need for a bridal or a baby or a birthday is mostly candles and and and and leaves. If you look at the pictures you'll see most of this is green leaves because that's it symbolizes everything, right? It symbolizes green. Your marriage is new green. Your baby's new green your birthday's new

well, I mean you're older but but it just it's just makes you happy and And people I've thrown so many birthdays and bridles and baby showers. In fact, there's some people I always am the first one I'm like, let me play your baby bridal shower birthday party. And I hound them so much about it that they've just given, they say, okay, Kristy, and some people have actually used the same decorations for their bridal shower and baby shower and birthday and also their baby's birthday.

And so now I'm getting a couple people saying, okay, Kristy, you know what, we're going to go with someone else. And I totally get it. In fact, I just don't I haven't it's been a couple years now. And this just stuff is just sitting in my garage. So I think I'm just going to unload it. But let me tell you, it was, it was $5,000 worth of fake plants at Michael's that really I think gave people a lifetime full of memories. And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. Well, Noel is one of the, I hope this isn't

rude to say, one of the strangest people we've ever had on the show. He was, and much like, you know, people will say that a dog owner, you know, takes on the same look as their dog and vice versa. He really did have some rat-like characteristics. Yes, he had a long thin face. Long thin face. Just looked kind of mangy, I want to say. Yes, he did look mangy. He had pale, pink eyes. Pink eyes, which should have been the first thing I mentioned. Must have been very sort of spotty mustache, but very long and sticking straight out. Very long white mustache. What a character. What a real character.

And that's what we do here. We just love to meet the characters of our neighborhood. We really do. Sometimes there's ones that really, boy, oh boy, he goes right up there on the list of the real weirdos we've met. I'm gonna say, I think he was kind of scary. I think he was terrified. Yeah, I was kind of scared.

Would wanna go to his house. No. His welcome mat says, what? Rats are, what does it say? Rats are free to come and go as they please. Rats are free to come and go as they please. Where do you even get that, Edsy? That's a custom order for sure.

That's a custom order. Yeah. That's a custom order. Yeah, absolutely. Well, we have time for one more post and I found this one and these ones always kind of make me giggle. You'll see that this is from Norma. She posts a picture, hi Norma. She posts a picture.

Yeah, we never did that before. We can start doing that as well. Never, but you know what? I think maybe her name just elicits a desire to greet that person. Yeah, maybe it is. Yeah, let's greet Norma. So, nope, I'm not sending. Okay, so it's got three items.

It's a picture of three items that look, you can look at it, Bernd, green, brown. I would say they look like three fruits. Babe, I'm gonna send this picture to you so you can see it. But here's what she says. Does anyone know what this is? Was given to me. When do you eat?

How do you eat? Wow. Okay. So let me, let me just take a look at it again. I just love the simplicity. It thinks I'm trying to send it to someone. Well, make it stop. I just love the simplicity of her questions that aren't questions. They're just statements and they're all different sizes for everybody. You can go on our website and look, you can go on our Instagram, but we're going to post it. But it's one tiny thing that looks like maybe a Kiwi,

but a soft Kiwi, like a bald Kiwi. And then in the middle, I would say, I'm going to say Bert looks like a pear. Did you say Mongo? Thanks. Just wondering. Babe, are you talking about a mango? Adopting a sort of federal- That's how you're supposed to say it. A Mongo? You're supposed talking about a mango? Adopting a sort of, sort of federal-

That's how you're supposed to say it. A mango. You're supposed to say a mongo. Mango. Never heard that before. I've never heard that before. Never heard that before. But you know what?

Hey, live your life. Just say mongo if you want. What are you having, an avocado? Oh. Oh. Okay, so here's what looks like a kiwi. This looks like a mongo, according to Doug. And on the right, that looks like a Granny Smith apple.

Can I say they look like a sort of evolutionary chart. It does actually. Because it starts out like this thing. It's a little brown ball with some green showing through. Then the brown is falling away. That's completely green. Yes, it is. It is the evolution of an apple.

They don't look like the same three things. None of them look like the same three things. Goodness. And what actually is strange, she just says, do you know what this is? She doesn't say what these are. No. She just says, I was given this. And I do think it's funny that it was given to her

and no one explained, did someone just approach her with these three different objects and say, here. Exactly. And then run away? There was no explanation. I wonder. Usually when someone gives you lemons from a tree, they talk about it endlessly. These are lemons from my tree.

We've got so many, they taste delicious. I love to do, you know, they can't. It's like when you look up a recipe online and the first three pages are a paragraph about how their children love lemons and a story about their father in the war. And you're like, just give me the measurements. The ladies who look these up

will know what I'm talking about. Somebody listening will know what I'm talking about. Somebody listening will know what I'm talking about. Okay, go on. What I think could have happened, and I think this is very relatable, we've all been there. Perhaps the person giving these items to Norma. Hi Norma. Hi Norma.

Was going on and on and Norma just tuned out. Do you know what? That sounds like Norma. It could be, it does on and Norma just tuned out. Do you know what? That sounds like Norma. It could be, it does sound like Norma. Norma probably, here's my picture. Norma's just trying to start her day. She walks out of her front door. Here comes this neighbor who's always going on

about something. And she's like, oh God, here we go again. Neighbor says, Norma, Norma, Norma. Norma's pretending not to see, you know, this person. Yes. Let's call her. She's trying to get to her car. Oh, it's Claudette for sure. No, it just wants to get to her car, get to work. That's right. Norma, Norma. Oh, it's a hard for me to hear. It's not even my name. Hi Claudette. And then Claudette pushes a bag into her hands.

Oh, so maybe she didn't even take a look. You simply must. Exactly. That's right. And Norma's going... You simply must, and then that was it. It was all just rat noise from then. Now Norma's just nodding, uh-huh, uh-huh. Claudette is going on to beat the band. Oh my goodness. She goes on for 10 minutes, she makes Norma late for work.

Of course she did. Late for work at the toll booth. Norma left these in the car. Oh yeah, maybe that's how they turned brown. Left work, got in the car like, ugh, these things. Probably took the picture. From the picture, it could be that they're in the car. On the seat of her car.

Saying, what is this? What am I supposed to do with this? What do I do? How do I eat? When do I eat? When do I eat? Because those are the two biggest questions about food. How do I eat?

When do I eat? When do I eat burger? What is? What is steak? When do I eat apple When do I eat burger? What is? What is steak? When do I eat apple? Does anyone know what this food is? When do I eat it and how? Those really are the questions when it comes to eating.

And Joan, this is a blast from the past, but I have not eaten and my head is getting very light. Oh no, Bert, we've got to get you some food. Open the dumb waiter. I was going to say he's got you a big've got to get you some food. Open the dumb waiter. I was going to say, he's got you a bagel. I didn't know you guys had a dumb waiter. Yeah. Open the chute.

Yes, I believe it's been referenced before in the house. We just didn't know what to do. And I believe someone, I think he tried to write it one episode. I can't remember. Yeah, I wrote it. Yeah, he wrote it. Let me open it up. But open it up.

What you got in there? That's the biggest bagel I've ever seen. I told you, extra string. It's as big as a homemade birthday cake. But you have to wait four to six hours before you take another one. What? Bagel, extra strength bagel.

It's okay, you need to eat that bagel. I had jettisoned the extra strength aspect from my mind. You had to become Norma and you were looking at my mouth and it was just moving. And I had become Norma. That's right. Bye Norma. Bye Norma.

Bye. Well, thank you Bye Norma. Bye. Well, thank you so much for listening everyone. And remember if you'd like to hear ad free versions of the show and hear our bonus content, the bonus room episodes, you can go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus tier. Congratulations to CBB World. Three years now it's been going.

And we're very happy to be a part of it. We have to figure out what CBB stands for at some point. Yes, we keep really getting to ask But there you have it We we are so thrilled to be bringing the show to you week after week and we'll be back next week with another new episode And until then goodbye and bye All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed. The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

And me, Nicole Parker. And me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Patrick McDonald. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World. Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free, as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus subscribers. Your support of the show ad free as well as brand new full-length bonus room episodes exclusive to maxima subscribers

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