The Neighborhood Listen - Stolen Wood with Bobby Moynihan

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

This week on TNL, Joan explains boba, Burnt discusses laxatives and Doug gets a new best friend. Plus, Robert (Bobby Monyihan) comes in hot after his wood got stolen!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Look out, Canadian listeners, this one's for you. Coho is a mastercard with an easy-to-use app that makes managing your finances easier. Coho lets you earn cash back, borrow, build your credit history, and so much more. Join over 1 million Canadians and sign up for your free trial today. Download Coho on Google or App Store today or koho.ca for more details. Plus, for any basketball fans out there, get a $75 e-gift card for nbastore.ca when you sign up with the promo code koho75. That's code koho75. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. That our network is scared for us to name for legal reasons, but you know which one it is.

All of the posts you hear our characters read are word-for-word real posts from this neighborhood website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. This episode's guest is Bobby Moynihan. Knock, knock. Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls,

you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHalf app and us. Bert. And Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell. We'll cover it all. And meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen. And meet new neighbors as well. Welcome once again to The Neighborhood Listen.

I am one of your hosts, Burnt Mia Payday. And I am one of your other hosts, Joan Pedestrian. That's right. And we are friends. We are neighbors. And we live here in Dignity Falls and we talk about our neighborhood Dignity Falls via posts that people have put on the neighborhood social networking

site or app The Neighbor App. That's correct. I think you got it all. I think you covered it. I hope so. I pray to god i hope so now you know i'm not religious but i am spiritual i know you are i know you are yes uh joan how have you been how are you holding up oh i'm gonna be honest burnt so of course it's uh i don't please i don't i don't even let's joan i'm gonna stop you right there let's promise let's promise that we're going to be honest right now from here on out.

Woof. Okay. I mean, it's a tall order a little bit, but. I'm sorry. Maybe it's the quarantine. Maybe I'm a bit stir crazy, but because you said, I'm going to be honest, it made me think, have we not been being honest? And I started to trip out on it for a little bit.

How many times have I withheld things? Have I been honest the whole time? Has Joan been honest the whole time? Listen, I understand. Last night, I just said the word cornucopia out loud 55 times, and it made me insane. Just in the middle of the night, cornucopia, cornucopia, cornucopia,

and it just was gibberish. But now, did you count the times, did did your husband Doug count the times Doug counted and he and he was like okay that that's that's enough and he he I guess he was I didn't even know he was awake so at 55 he said that's enough that's right that was the limit that's enough saying cornucopia so I will I just going to be honest about one thing but i will i will try to be honest about everything let's take that pledge right now i you what oh i burn me a payday being of sound mind and body insert your name don't pedestrian do here by oh i didn't i thought we were doing

it turns oh okay sorry sir you go go go go it's very hard not being in the same room everybody we apologize we are doing our best it's different you know here's what here's what's funny about the Okay, sorry, sir. You go, go, go, go. It's very hard not being in the same room, everybody. We apologize. We are doing our best. It's difficult. You know, here's what's funny about the quarantine is that for some of us, it's hard not being in the same room. For some, it's hard being in the same room

because there are some people that are trapped with people that maybe they're in a loveless marriage. Maybe they're in a loveless roommate situation. There are many loveless arrangements. Maybe they're in a loveless pet owner situation. Oh, how cruel of life to put you in a situation where you're trapped with a pet you despise. With that cat that's just a real asshole. Or a dog who's a narcissist.

The worst. so go ahead you said i i burned me a payday being of sound mind and body do hereby pledge to be honest on the podcast called the neighborhood listen i signed oh burn me a pay Oh, you're doing a virtual signing. A verbal signing. Exactly. I, Joan Pedestrian, being of sound body and mind, do solemnly swear to be honest. I mean, I'm improvising a little bit. I'm just like adding. Is this okay?

I think it's fine. Okay. As long as the general tenor and tone of the pledge remains the same. To just be honest, right? To be honest with myself, my listeners, and my co-host, burnt me a payday, signed Joan Minnelli-Pedestrian. I had not thought to include the specifics of to whom we're being honest. So I would like to amend my pledge.

Oh, okay. To say that I specifically pledge to be honest to myself and to others. That's nice. I accept that amendment and I sign off on it. I think

we have a good clear quorum that we are going to be honest. Now, Joan, I didn't realize, or maybe I've forgotten because we've been friends for so long that your middle name is Maneli.

That's correct. And did we ever talk about this before? No, it wasn't my born middle name, but I just decided to change it for a while. I thought it was going to be a stage name. I thought it was a great idea. And then I thought maybe it's actually not good because it will invite

comparison possibly to, to Liza Minnelli. Oh, right. Liza, Liza in my, in my opinion, but you know,

it just didn't occur to me when I did it, when I was 21, you know, I was young and impetuous and, you know, I just thought legally changed to Joan I did have it legally changed if you look

at my license plate it's not my license plate here's what I was going to be honest about burnt is that I you do have a personalized license plate though I do have a personalized license plate it's it's it's it's one two three and then it's literally jazz hands

that's right and i had to really fight for that because that's not something that's legally done generally two symbols like that exactly right but you did what we did was how we got away with it was we used two w's but just put them on there um just put them diagonally i wish you know everyone could see but i think you can understand just put two w's on the side put them on there. Just put them diagonally. I wish, you know, everyone could see, but I think you can understand. Just put two W's on the side and it kind of looks like jazz hands. Well, if you only had three fingers, but it's the best we could do. Yes, and hats off to

that industrious incarcerated individual. Bowler hats off. Good amendment. I co-sign your amendment. Thank you. So really all I was going to be honest about, Burnt, is that I'm drinking right now, okay? I just need you to know

I can't, this is where it's come to. This is where it's come to. Now Joan, it is 7am. I know it is. I understand that and I don't know why we chose this to start, but I figured why wait to start the podcast? Why wait to start drinking? So I made myself a signature Joanie.

And I'm just enjoying that. And so if I get a bit loopy, you know, oh, well, exactly. I mean, I,

I, I, I hope this is not a pattern or a trend. I mean, it is difficult, but the reason we're recording at 7 a.m. is because of course I've been falling asleep at 6 p.m. every night for the past week. And so I requested that maybe we have an earlier start time because I've been waking up at 4 a.m. and starting my day. You poor thing.

I know it's messing with everybody's circadian rhythms. So anyways, that's what I'm drinking. I appreciate your candor. Thank you very much. If you want to make it at home, it's just vodka in a cinnamon candle. So anyhow, we've got some posts. I've got one that I want to. Speaking of drinks.

Yes, let's speak of them. I thought this was odd. And being a pharmacist, maybe you can explain to me what this exactly is. There is a liquid that someone's not selling, just giving away for free. And OK, so it's because it says CVS brand. So this is why I want to ask you this question. I see. CVS brand magnesium citrate oral solution.

It's a pasteurized sparkling saline laxative and someone is giving away three bottles of it oh that's that's a very generous offer but is this this what is this burnt is this actually just a laxative why in the world in quarantine would shit themselves. Well, now, laxatives are not... Forgive me. I don't want to sound like I know it all, but this is one of the areas of my expertise being a pharmacist.

Laxatives are not designed with the express purpose that they will catch you unawares. The idea behind buying laxatives for yourself is that you are planning on doing this not that it's going to be a surprise at some point the throughout your day right i understand that although i have done that before uh i've had you know again i when i there was one diet I did try, like, you know, the laxative diet, where you just do a bunch of ex-lax, you do a bunch of chocolates, you know. The laxative, I'm sorry, the laxative diet.

Oh, please. Look at every lady knows what I'm talking about. If they've tried to get into every single diet, it's absolutely a diet. It's just like the frozen grapes one. So you do that and I'll tell you what, those did sneak up on me. I mean, they might as well just be going like this, tapping on my shoulder the entire day and just sneaking up behind me. And I didn't intend to mean that I think this would sneak up on you.

It's just that why would you drink it with the intention of getting stuff moving? Also, the flavors are cherry and grape. And I don't understand what this is for. What would someone purchase this for generally? Because I thought it was seltzer water. And I thought, well, that's a good idea. Right. Why would anyone actually want this right now?

I can see someone trying to give toilet paper away. Why would you give a laxative away right now? Joe, this may come as a surprise but the reason that we have laxatives in the first place is that people are having difficulty doing this exact thing are they so yes gosh you know what in my house is it's the opposite problem so i guess i just can't wrap my head around it yes it is it is for for people who find themselves in a state of gastric distress where they cannot perform this function, and so they need a little help from science,

from Western medicine. And I'm asking this honestly. Is that happening right now? Is that one of the big problems? I mean, I've been allowed back in the pharmacy, by the way. Oh, yes, right. Yes, that's right. Just to establish that, he's been allowed back in.

Yes, and my new sleep schedule, they say well actually you can come in you can come in at 4 30 a.m if you want we won't be open but you will be allowed to uh be in the pharmacy what do you just arrange things on the shelf and well i can i can arrange they are leaving prescriptions for me to fill um they're approving them and then they're saying, well, we'll actually let Burnt fill the bottles and do all that stuff. So that's what I've been doing. And yeah, there's you'd be surprised that even in a time

of plague, people get a little backed up and people are not necessarily eating the right things during this time. Yeah, I guess they're eating a lot of starches, right? They're just a lot of pastas. A lot of non-perishables. Well, people are just eating like goats, and it's coming back to haunt them,

and so they do need a little help from laxatives. And these are very, look, the laxatives this person is giving away, they're very high-end. These are nice laxatives. They're not store-brand. Yes, they are. They're CVS laxatives they're not they are yes they are they're cvs

laxatives i said they were not store brand but by that i meant they're not uh another store's brand these are these are top quality uh shitting licks all right well come get your come come get your uh come get your high-end laxatives i guess from uh i i guess. I don't see the name here. I don't see the name here on the poster. So, sorry about that. I guess they're just going to sit in his or her house. A mystery? Just a mystery do-gooder.

That'd be a fun title for this episode, right? Mystery laxatives? Mm-hmm. Well, maybe someone will be typing that down as we speak. Doug? Now, Doug, where is... Are you typing that down? Yes. Where is Doug today?

Doug is in... I'm in the study. ...the aforementioned... What was that, babe? I'm in the study. Ah, yes. The aforementioned study. Did I mention this study before? I'm not sure if I did. I don't recall. This is almost like the Winchester Mystery House here at your home. There's rooms I've never been aware... i didn't know you had a study where is the study in here the study is in between two of the there's a jack and jill bathroom we have you know what that one is right yes yeah there's a jack and jill bathroom and on one side is the study and on the other side is the well is i don't want to give

it away it's the it's the newspaper room we'll do that one next week. Oh, the newspaper. Okay. Then I, but you, you, I think I was going to say, well, I've only been in the Jack part of that Jack and Jill, but, uh, but I think you do another Jack and Jill. You've only gone through one side of the bathroom, the Jack side. That's right. That's right. Have you, do you have another Jack and Jill set up or am I thinking of someone else's home entirely? I think you might be. I think you might be. We have a... Do you know who I'm thinking of? Who? My friends Jack and Jill. That's it. Yes. That's it.

So he's in the study and it has, you know, it's lovely in there. We've got all sorts of books. I've gone through half of them. I have all my Harlequin romances. I did go through a phase. So I'm reading those again. I had to hide them for a while

when July P was just going crazy and stealing them when she was about 12. She was staying up all night reading those things. Well, that's the age. It's been nice in here. What did you say? I said it's been nice in here. I'm catching up on my Where's Waldo collection.

We do have all the Where's Waldos in in there we have the um criterion collection now this this was the criterion's first foray into books and they thought they would start with where's waldo right i ordered them impulse buy late night, you know, online. So it's pretty great. They're beautiful. They're gold leaf on the outside. That sounds lovely. It is really lovely.

So Doug's up there looking for Waldo. But did you type down that idea I had, that fun idea I had for our episode title, Doug? Remind me, please. That's all right, Doug. Why don't you go back and remember he's wearing a striped shirt and glasses and a little beanie, but a lot

of people look like him, so don't be fooled. Is that the trick? What's that, Doug? Is that the trick? That is the trick. How have you been finding him, Doug? Is that the trick? That is the trick. How have you been finding him, babe? I've never found him. I've never found him. I think you might be looking for the wrong guy.

I look at each person individually and just wait to see clues or right you were looking at him like a magic like a magic eye yes i'm waiting for something to happen he make he just he goes slightly cross-eyed and hopes that waldo appears right well no really the trick to these doug is uh look at a picture of waldo and then try to find that specific person don't just wait for them to tell their stories or or say something like I think I saw Waldo over there earlier

you just really kind of memorize what Waldo looks like and then try to find him in a big crowd scene that's what you have to do that is what you have to do babe so wow I wish someone had tipped you off earlier. Well, we do have to take a break. We do. When we return,

we will have a guest more when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Lost eyeglasses. I can't see. This is Jason, everybody. I lost my eyeglasses. I can't see. This is Jason, everybody. I lost my eyeglasses in a black case Tuesday afternoon around 4 p.m.

around Jimmy Carter and Oak. Case contains black musket eyeglasses. Please message if found. Thank you. How am I going to read that message? Maybe people could include a voice memo. Listen, if you find my glasses, just say, Jason, I got your glasses! Do you want to do the welcome back?

Are we... Every single time... I'm just asking if you... I'll do it. I'll do it. I would love to do it. Well, yes. If you would like to do it, I would like you to do it. Okay. I'm going to do it. Here we go. Welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen! You threw a huge amount of sauce

on that. I did. I'm sorry. I'm on my second Joanie and I'm going to, I'll stop. I'll stop after this one. The Joanie, which is vodka and a cinnamon candle. Correct. That's not the same as the Jontini. No, that's not

the same as the Jontini. The Jontini is a jar of jelly beans with, and you don't have to fill them all the way to the top because then it's going to be a mess. A jar of jelly beans, and then you pour in a bunch of gin, whichever choice that you want, and then you shake it up.

And it depends on if you get, you have to get buttered popcorn jelly beans because it really gives the gin a nice savory, buttery flavor. Right. And then you pour it into a candle. Right. So it's almost like a boba.

It's sort of like a boba. Yeah. Am I thinking of the right thing? You are. Those sort of gelatinous balls that are at the bottom of like a tea. And then you have to sip them out of a very large straw. I've always just been terrified that it's like the opposite of a pea shooter. Like, why would I want to suck that into my throat and choke on it? I didn't. You are playing with fire. I didn't realize that that was the way you consumed.

I thought you consumed everything at the same time. And that sometimes you got to like, and there are little tapioca balls, I believe. Oh, that's what it is. Yes. Tapioca ball. No,

there's a, you haven't seen those gigantic straws. I, I, I, I, have you ever been to a Boba cafe? Are you thinking of pipes?

No, I'm talking about straws that are, are, are wide enough for the Boba to get, to be sucked up. I have never been to a boba cafe. And hopefully when this is all over, I'll get to go to one. If there are any still in existence.

Oh, dear. Well, that probably they probably will be. Boba is going to be just fine. Boba is going to bounce back. Boba is eternal, as they say. Well, Joan, we do have we do have a guest joining us from their own from their own. Well, I assume from their own home, but who knows where they are? I guess we'll find out. Would you like to read the post?

We understand that, look, tensions are running high, and this guy sounded like he's real, real tense, and I think it's important at this time to let people come on and maybe just have a second chance to explain what they meant and sort of plead their case.

But this guy's real hot. He's real hot. His name is Robert, and it just have a second chance to explain what they meant and sort of plead their case. So just, but this guy's real hot. He's real hot. His name is Robert and it says stolen four by eight plywood sheet to whoever stole the four by eight sheet of plywood that I had out front leaning against the storage pod may a million fleas infest your private parts. While that $35 piece of wood may have meant nothing to you, it was a truck rental, a friend helping me for a payment of a meal, and cash out, not to mention the fact that the shelves I was going to make out of them aren't going to be made anytime soon now that I have no funds to replace it due to not working. In short, may you choke on your food and have nobody available to give you a life-saving

maneuver. You are the reason the gods invented the middle finger. Seriously, you are a low-life scum. And then it says Shug slash Fernwood. Now, I don't know what that means because I thought his name was Robert. This could be the area that he's in, but I don't recognize that phrase. So we're just going to check in with him, and please welcome

Robert. Robert, are you there? Yeah, hi. Don't call me Robert, please. Oh, I'm sorry. Just call me Shug slash Fernwood, please. Thank you. Oh, so OK. That is the name that you prefer to go by. Shug slash Fernwood. Yeah, it is. You are the reason that people hate white people. You know that? So I'm sorry. Are we to say. That's not the first time I've been told that. Yeah, it's not the last either. This is ridiculous. Are we are we meant to say the whole thing? Shug slash Furwood?

Yes. Oh, wow. Did I not say that? What did I ask? Did you hear me? You did. I did. Don't call me Robert.

Please call me Shug slash Fernwood. Excuse me. I don't understand what you mean by that. I think he's pretending to be ubernt in that moment i think he was no i i got i did gather that it was a mocking uh imitation of me seriously you are a terrible awful human being sure i do apologize yes i i i meant no disrespect i know that you've just uh had this uh this terrible invasion where someone has taken something stolen. Stolen something by four by eight plywood sheet.

Yes. Right. I. And you were going to. Could you just. OK, so let's just let's just backtrack and look at what you wrote. So so you were going to make shelves out of it. But I just wanted to know what you meant by it was a truck rental.

It was a friend helping me for a payment. It was many things. Yeah, it sounds like it was many things. I had a feeling you were getting poetic here. Yes. Of course I am. Why wouldn't you be? I loved that four by eight piece of plywood sheet.

I loved it. You look at it and you're like, oh, there's a $35 piece of wood. I look at it and I go, there's a wagon for a boy. There is the side of a brand new shitty house. There is a four by eight easel. There is a half of a wing of a bad plane. You know what I mean? It could be anything.

I understand. a half of a wing of a bad plane. You know what I mean? It could be anything. I understand. It's like you're, it's like you're, you know, like, it's like Michelangelo's David. You can look at a piece of plywood and see many things in it.

Oh, it's not. Well, you were wrong there. You could never make Michelangelo's David out of a four by eight piece of plywood sheet. You're really biffed it really biffed it on that one. You got that one wrong. I am apologizing for that. I guess I wasn it on that one, Joan. You got that one wrong. Shook slash Fernwood. I am apologizing for that. I guess I wasn't

saying that David could come out of a plywood. I was saying it was like that. Yeah, it's not your piece of wood, so you don't feel the same way about it that I do. I know that there's no David in there. Shook slash Fernwood. Don't you agree, though, that someone could carve at least a silhouette

of Michelangelo's David out of plywood. There you go. Okay, you are the reason that fucking dogs can't have chocolate. Do you know what I mean? Because it's so toxic. It does make sense. It makes perfect sense. When a dog has chocolate,

it dies, and when you speak, I want to kill myself. Oh, my goodness. That's what I mean. When you say things that are dumb, I don't want, everyone wants to die. Everyone wants to die like a dog that's eating chocolate. Are you sleeping alone? Are you with someone? Are you with someone?

Do you have a family? Do you have a wife? Do you have kids? Do you have a pet? I am by myself. I figured. And are you at home right now? I am at home in my storage pod where I live, where my plywood sheet was leaning against, and now it's not leaning against it. Oh, dear. Anymore.

You're living in a pod. That's it. But you've got Wi-Fi, which is great. Yes. Thanks. We all agree. It is great. It is great. It is great. It's a wonderful thing to have. Wi- We all agree. It is great. It is great.

It is great. It's a wonderful thing to have. Wi-Fi is terrific. Let me ask you this. I use it for my computer. Uh-huh. I use it for a couple of things. I'm just surprised that you were able to get it in a storage pod.

That's all. Can I be surprised by that? I'm terrified to ask. I'm just so terrified that I'm going to make you yell at me again. Here we go. I'm the reason what? You're the reason that McDonald's doesn't sell breakfast after 10.30.

You know what? Shook slash Fernwood, I've got good news for you. Yes, what's this? Many McDonald's locations are now offering all-day breakfast. What is yeah it's it's it's true and i've seen it many mcdonald's whoa whoa whoa since when it's been a little while now not i maybe maybe even a year in a while i'm sorry pardon me but how long has it been i have been

in this house it's been i think i think more than a year i i've been in this house for over two years. I think more than a year. I've been in this house for two years, so that's possible. Well, it's a pod. Please don't upset him. You know what, Joan? Good call. Listen, I will say, sorry, I know that the McDonald's on FDR and Dan Quayle Boulevard

are doing the 24- hour breakfast for sure. Great. So you can go to that one on DQB and FDR. What's funny is they close at 9 p.m., but the breakfast is still 24 hours. That's right. They spell their French fries wrong, correct? Oh, right. That's right.

That's correct. They spell potato with an E. It's very... Potato. Yes, yes. Remember? Yeah, I do. Alright, Shug slash Ferdwood, let me, can I ask you the origin of your preferred...

Oh, golly. This is just a... I'm angry. I have my four by... I don't think you guys... Did we not say this? My four by eight piece of plywood sheet wood was stolen from me. No, we realized that. Yes.

No, we totally realized that. And I'm not working right now. Okay? And I make gorgeous plywood shelves for a living. That was your job? It was and is, but not right now. I mean, it still is. I still make them.

I still know how to do it. You just don't get paid right now, you're saying. You just don't have any clients to pay. I never got is, but not right now. I mean, it still is. I still make them. I still know how to do it. You just don't get paid right now, you're saying. You just don't have any clients to pay. I never got paid, but. Oh, wait, what? I never got paid to do it. Work is, it's a long story. It's the longest story.

Well, I'd be interested in hearing it, but so if it's not, why wouldn't you call it your hobby? If you don't get paid for it, why is it not? That's a hobby, right? Well, I pay be interested in hearing it. But so if it's not, why wouldn't you call it your hobby if you don't get paid for it? And why is it not? That's a hobby, right? Well, I pay myself to do it. How does that work? Oh, I write the check to me and then I cash it.

Oh, boy. Bird, now you have an even dumber voice. I know. It's getting less and less flattering as time goes on. It sure is. It's insane. The things that come out of your brain. But, but, I guess I guess Shug slash

Fernwood. Oh, that you really bought. Shug, Shug, Shug. Shug slash Fernwood. Thanks, thanks, Bort. Oh, I certainly don't like it when it comes back on me. That was a solid burn jones i feel like you're on his side it's kind of contagious i don't know

maybe it's the cocktail it might be that you're that you're drunk um shug slash fernwood could you could you tell me how how did you come to arrive at your preferred way of address? The way, what do you'd like people to call you? What do I like people to call me by my name? Why don't I, why does it say Robert at the top?

And then, and then why do you want to be called Shug slash Fernwood? Who's Robert? And also what is the origin of Shug slash Fernwood as a name? Yes. My name is Robert. That was my birth given name. When I was born on a name. Yes. My name is Robert. That was my birth given name when I was born on a piece of paper.

Somebody wrote down Robert. I was like not having it. Even as a, when did you decide that? January 19th, 1985. Thank you for the specific answer. That was way more specific than I thought it was going to be.

I met two guys. I met two guys on January 19th in 1985. One was named Shug. The other one was named Fernwood. Both those guys were the fucking best. And I said, you know what? I'm changing my name. And I couldn't decide.

Wow. And now my fucking wood is gone. Can you curse on this? Well, yeah, now. You can. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Absolutely fine.

It's absolutely fine. This, you know, the show reflects our world and our world includes curses. Are Shug and or Fernwood, are they still in your life today? Is life the same thing as heart? Oh, no. Then no. Then no. Then no, they're not. They're just in my heart.

Okay. So they've passed on. They're not with us. No, they've killed each other. Each other? They killed each other. Yeah. I got to know why.

Yeah, a lot of us do. Because a lot of us loved him I was thinking more how Oh murder suicide Fernwood killed Shug and then killed himself Dear That's terrible That really is terrible On a what?

I was going to say on a dare Shug dared Fernwood to do it and he did it. And but they they died mid high five kind of. How does that work? They were dumb. They were idiots. They were great. They were hilarious.

I love them. Greatest guys. But they were dumb idiots. So funny. But just the dumbest idiots. They would get, they would just like 90% of the day great guys. 9pm

they start huffing gas and doing dumb shit and that was the end of it, you know? So they were perfectly normal guys until the gas huffing and then at that hour they would lose all sense. Correct.

So, Shug slash Froonwood, please, can you describe to me what your pod looks like? Have you built a lot of things for it already? If I were to sort of take a tour? Before we get to that, I do have a guess as to how they

had a high five in the midst of the murder-suicide. Oh, go! Here's what I imagine. Okay. The perfect weapon to use to enable this would be a knife. So you could, so

Fernwood could stab Shug in the heart. Okay. And then stab himself very quickly. And then as they're both dying, they can high five. I guess. Although dying mid high five, we know how fast a high

five is, right? I mean, it's instant. It can happen in an instant. So I'm not even sure how you would determine mid. I guess it's when the hands touch each other. But that would bring about a quick death. A knife death is kind of prolonged. I feel like with a knife, you have a little

window to hang on there to get a high five done. Just a little? I mean, unless you have perfect aim, I feel like it takes a while to bleed out, no? You're close, but I heard a rumor that Fernwood shot, you're not going to believe this, shot Shug with a cannon and then put himself, put his head inside an oven and home alone himself where he tied rope to his wrist and had it above Shug's hand.

And then he put a candle under the rope and put his head in the oven and when the gas was big enough, right before the rope burnt, his hand fell, they high-fived and the whole place exploded from the gas. That's what Ron told me. Who's Ron? Ron Goldman's brother. Like the

Ron Goldman? Yeah. Rube Goldberg? His brother. No doubt. His brother Rube Rube Goldberg? His brother. No, Doug. His brother Rube. Not Rube. Ron Goldberg's brother Rube. Oh, did you say Rube Goldberg, Doug, or did you say Goldman? Listen, you are the reason that deaf people want to hear again.

Because you, because you. That sounds like a good thing. Well, you don't use your hearing and it makes them mad because you can. And that's why you're the reason that this is making me angry. I'm sorry. That was a bit of a journey. It really was. It sounded like a good thing.

They all are. I feel like they all are. Life is a journey. That's true. That's very true. Now, Joan, you had a question about the pod itself. Well, I did want to know what it looked like, since it sounds like he's rather a handy guy. And if you've crafted a lot of furniture for your pod, what have you done inside?

If I were to take a virtual tour, I'm a realtor, you know, so I'm just always interested in what people do with fun spaces, especially small spaces. Yeah, you would walk up to the front door which used to have a 4x8 plywood sheet next to it. Oh, we're very aware that that's missing. So you won't see that there. No. I meant the other things that are still there. You open the door. You step inside and that is the foyer.

Oh, I love a foyer. You're speaking my language now. So open the door, step on the floor. Open the front door, step on the floor. Now you're in the foyer. Great. The next step you're speaking my language now. So open the door, step on the floor. Open the front door, step on the floor. Now you're in the foyer. Great. The next step you take is the living room. Uh-huh.

Oh, the next step. The very next step. Yes. The next step you take, laundry room. Okay. Interesting placement. Thank you. Next step you take, you're back outside again.

Is that the end? Meaning that's the end of it or is it like an atrium? I have a foyer, a living room and a laundry room. You have no bedroom. And a back door. And a back door. And two side doors. I have four doors and three rooms

inside the house. But it's not really three rooms because there's no walls. It's just steps. I have three steps. I have three steps and four doors. Right. Do the floors change with each step? Yes.

So what are the materials? I have one tiny piece of Velcro in the foyer. And then I have the other side of the Velcro, the not, you know, like the loopy part, not the furry part. Right. And then the third step is just blank plywood sheet. Why Velcro? Um, why do you love Velcro? Oh, he's doing me now.

He's doing me now. Because I like it. Because I like it. Why are you a realtor? Because I love it. All right? So, fine. I guess I get your point.

I get your point. Although, I feel like I can use a couple more excuses as to why I'm a realtor than just putting Velcro on the floor. But, you know, I understand. Well, I love Velcro, so I put it on my floor because I like to step on it. Okay. All right. That's fine. What do you do for cooking?

What do you do for a bathroom? What do you do for cooking? What do you do for a bathroom? What do you do for bathroom? What do I do for bathroom? I do just out one of the doors. I just open one of the doors. I have a pee door and a poop door. Oh, I see. That leaves you two

left over doors with no filth attached. Two left over doors for just front and back, which is funny if you think about it. It sure is. They're kind of the same thing. Oh, now you're laughing. Oh, that's good. Oh, man.

Okay. We're having fun now. This is good. Yeah. So you're feeling a little bit better about life right now. Yeah. As a result of that Purell joke. Yeah. So

what do you want to say? Do you want this... See, this is what I was afraid of. I was afraid of... I love myself wide... I didn't even get a chance to offend him. To be honest, it offended me.

Know what you're going to say. What was he going to say? I already know what he was going to say. Right. What was he going to say? What do you think I was going to say? Why are you such a bad person? No.

I actually was not. No. I promise you, Shug slash Fernwood, I was not going to ask that at all. I don't think you're a bad person. It's not what I was going to say. You didn't even want to say it. I could hear it. Let's change the subject. What would you like to say

to this plywood thief now? You vented your spleen, as it were. You got out the anger. You would please on their private parts. You wished them to choke and not get the Heimlich. You wished all those things. They're pretty rough things to wish on someone.

Okay, but do you want them to return the plywood to you? No. I do not want the plywood back. It has been tainted. I don't want anything that they have touched because what they touch turns to garbage

I really thought that was rhetorical just like them I honestly thought I was asking a rhetorical question but I guess I wasn't it never occurred to me that you would say that you did not want the plywood back I am here to tell you you definitely weren't you definitely were not asking a

rhetorical question. You know what I keep on wanting to say? I want to keep saying Suge featuring Fernwood. Is that a good instinct? You ever thought about that? I'm mad, but I don't hate it. So it is a good instinct. For a little bit, I

always want to say Suge Knight Fernwood. Yeah, right, right. Or because Suge slash Fernwood I always want to say Suge Knight Fernwood. Yeah, right, right. Or because Suge Slash Fernwood. Uh-huh. Maybe I'll say Suge Line. Does anyone ever say Suge Slanted Line Fernwood? Does anybody ever say that, guys? I'm not sure anyone.

I've never heard anyone say that. I haven't heard it. But why not be a first? This is the time for firsts. Why not be a first? So you don't want the plywood back? What are you going to do? What are you going to do now?

If the person were to come back with the plywood in perfect condition, you're saying you wouldn't accept it? It's not in perfect condition. It's stolen, and the wood knows that. So the wood can't be used. Oh, wood has memory. Correct. Yes. Huh. I didn't know that.

You ever punch a tree? I have never punched a tree. Well, punch a tree and then walk by it three days later and see what happens. What happens? You'll see. Wait, I'm sorry, Doug, you seem to be nodding that you have punched a tree? Many times.

Honey, why would you do that? Well, when I'm outside and I'm frustrated and chasing lizards and doing my thing. Thank you. I'll go as far as saying I have never chased a lizard without punching a tree. Never. Thank you, Doug. Get away. Oh, these two are connecting

on a level that I'm unexpectedly enjoying. Well, because he's correct. He's right. They sometimes scurry up the tree, and I'm trying to get at them. Then you punch the tree, the tree remembers. Nature bats last,

as they say. That was Jeff Goldblum who said that, right? Probably. Jeff Goldberg? Maybe it was... Rube's friend? Yeah. Rube's friend.

The Goldberg triplets, Rube, Jeff, and Ron? Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me ask you this. Shook slash Fernwood. What in the absence of this piece of plywood, which is now rendered unusable because of the very act of thievery. What are you going to do now? Yeah, that's what I wanted to know as well.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm going to go shelfless for a little while in that section of the pod sure I won't have a shelf there what would you put on the shelf what would I have put on the shelf my knick knacks

what would you have put on the shelf what do you put on the shelf I put all sorts of things I put pictures of me and my family I put what sort of knickknacks. I'm sorry. Oh, you said knickknacks.

That's the word I missed. Sorry. Yes. Knickknacks. Yeah. I just wanted to know what some of them were, what some of those knickknacks were. Knickknacks. I'm going to say that 55 times tonight.

Are you getting my saying that correct? Is it coming through? Knickknacks. Knickknacks. Yes. Knickknacks. Knickerbockers. Just making sure you're understanding what I'm saying. I'm sorry, can everyone hold on one second? Doug, why did you say

knickerbocker? That's what it's short for. Knickerbockers, knackerbockers. Okay, Doug. Okay. So, what are some of the knickknacks that you've collected over the years? Hey, Doug.

Hey, Doug. Yes. Hey, Doug. I just wanted to say I knew that, too. I figured you knew it, but Bert seemed to have had trouble saying it. They didn't even. They didn't even. What's a knacker walker?

Joan, why would you? Well, we don't have to get into this, Joan. Do you want to tell him, Doug, or should I? Go ahead. Hey, Doug, if you ever need to get out when this is all over, man, stop by the pod. Just saying. Sounds pretty sweet. Nice.

Nice. Well, I guess Doug made a friend here. I didn't expect that. I suppose. He doesn't have many friends, so I suppose this is great. Sometimes friendship happens in the most unimaginable places. It's true. It's true. In the most

unimaginable places. It's true. Well, listen. Everybody knows that phrase. Yes. Sometimes friendship happens in the most unimaginable places. Rick Moranis. Did he say that?

Yep. Yep. In a movie or just something he said in life? Like in an interview? He would say it all the time. How do you know this? He would say it all the time. This is Rick Moranis.

This is one of the most, if not the most famous man in the world. That's a bold claim. I don't know if that's actually true. What are you talking about? Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. That was a very, very

old movie. Yes. Ghostbusters. Sure. Yes. It sounded like you said Nostbusters. It did sound like you said Nostbusters. What is the plot of Nostbusters. Sure. Yes. It sounded like you said Nostbusters. It did sound like you said Nostbusters. I did. What is the plot of Nostbusters? Four guys who kind of seem down on their luck. One of them's smart.

One of them's kind of weird. One of them's pretty cool. And the other one was Ernie Hudson. Also, they go around killing negative people, people who are negative. And Rick Moranis plays all of the people who are negative in it. Oh, what a great,

it's a hundred different roles in it. It's, it's like his clumps. Before the clumps, really? He was the first one to do it. And he said that line in it, maybe 80 times in that movie,

but he used to say it in real life all the time. In that film, he said it a bunch. Suge slash F, let me ask you, what is the... Do not. You are the reason. Oh, here we go. You are the reason I don't want people to call me Robert anymore, and you are the reason why I am so stern. It is not Suge slash F.

Well, that one wasn't so bad, F. If I wanted it to be, if I wanted it to be, I would have said, hey, everybody, please call me Shug slash F, but I didn't. Fair enough. That's true. I said Shug slash Fernwood. Or maybe T3. What is the ventilation system like in the pod?

Is there any... Is there any air getting in there? The only thing in here is a washer and a dryer on top Is there any air getting in there? I do. The only thing in here is a washer and a dryer on top of each other, and there is no hose. So it all just comes out the back. It does look like you are drenched. It is hot.

Very humid in there. You're covered in lint. Just covered in it. Yeah. A lot of dryer sheets. I thought you had a white beard, but I'm seeing that now is lint. Nope. Yep, that's lint.

That's lint that is collected on my ears and face and hung down. It's not a beard. I was just making, I didn't know if you were positive what a beard was. Oh, I got it. I know what a beard is. I know what a beard is. That's why I explained. But thank you. Thanks for checking.

You're welcome. You're welcome. All right. Show. Show. So show. I caught myself. There's no need to block me for that.

That was just. Did you learn how to speak yesterday or today? Oh. I really. There wouldn't be much difference between those two, I feel like. Well, you could have a night. I had no choice. It sounds like you haven't had a night's sleep with that mouth.

Yeah, well, I. Shook slash Fernwood, what will you do now? Now that you don't have your plywood, what is next for you? Today was supposed to be all shelf building. And it's not. It takes all day, huh? It takes me a full day. Well, my shelves are gorgeous.

They're beautiful. They're perfect. You know, they're not just shelves. They're also a truck rental. They're also a payment, a cash out. A cash out. I was confused about what that meant. Remember, it's poetic. It's just it's not literal. It's figurative. Is that right?

No, it is literal. I have a friend named Lucy. She has her own store down the place and she rents trucks, meals. She rents meals and every once in a while I'll go down there and she does it for down on her luck meals. And every once in a while, I'll go down there. And, you know, she does it for down on her luck people.

It's more of a barter system. So I would go down there and I would trade her pieces of plywood for goods. I would give her a piece of four by a plywood and I would have a truck for a day. And that's a cash out. Well, no. At the end of the day, if you don't, if you bring back the truck fine, you give them back the wood, and then she gives you back your cash that you also gave her, because you also have to give her $3,000. I see. And that's, so $3,000 in cash.

You have to give her $3,000. That's a lot of money. Jesus Christ. You give her three, you go to Lucy's store, you give her $3,000 in the plywood, she gives you a truck rental or a meal, and then at the end of the day, if you return either of them, you get $3,000 in the plywood. She gives you a truck rental or a meal and then at the end of the day, if you return either of them, you get both the meal and the wood and the money back. The meal doesn't

have to come back. The meal's the only thing that never comes back unless you bring back your poop. Why does she require the $3,000? If she just gives it back. If she just gives it back. Excuse me.

How do I know you're not going to come back? Oh, now you're from another country, Burns. Oof. How do you know? Well, you had an accent. No? Did I? I didn't even realize I did.

You were putting a little bit of an accent in the dump. Yeah, I guess I'm from the country of stupid. No, you know what, Shook Slash Friendly? I think you're really good at voices. Thank you. I'm just saying you've done several different varied voices this entire podcast. And maybe that is something that you could look into. Have you ever thought of doing voiceover?

Oh, here comes another one. Is anybody there? What's that? I don't know. I think he's doing another voice. No, I'm not. There was a boy in here. A boy had wandered in.

Well, we didn't see anybody. He must have been very small. He was a tiny boy. Well, we do have to let you go, Shug slash Fernwood. But thank you for... Oh, I think we've gotten it right a couple more times than just that one. No, finally. you're letting me go yeah i i i apologize uh we we didn't mean to upset you further we you've already we've

you we know you've already been through a lot and uh you have our sincerest uh uh best wishes thank you very much for giving me time on your platform to discuss this and for the thieves out there that took this oh i hope something terrible happens i hope you lose your keys every day of your life i hope that one day you're in a bathroom and matt damon walks in and then he leaves and you didn't even get to say hi okay i hope terrible things happen to you. Doug would hate that because he loves Matt Damon. What? Doug, why are we not?

He really took that as an accusation. Come back over here, man. Just hang out. They're just really on the same wavelength. You know, I think a friendship was born here. Unimaginable. Unimaginable. That's right. Unimaginable. Well, Shug slash Fernwood, thank you very much. think a friendship was born here. Unimaginable. Unimaginable. That's right.

Unimaginable. Well, Shug slash Fernwood, thank you very much. Yes, thank you so much. And good luck to you. I hope that you come into possession of another piece of plywood. Thank you. Goodbye, sir. All right.

We have to take a break when we return the end of this episode of the neighborhood, listen, Fitbit, inspire activity tracker, black, $55 Fitbit, inspire activity track, brand new comes to Fox and all. Okay.

Brand new because he's new because I tried one more thing after the pipe didn't work out. Okay. And that didn't work out either. So come get the Fitbit tracker. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen. Wow. Shook slash Fernwood. That was something else.

He's intense. He's an intense guy. He's really intense. Like I said, I mean, maybe he's, well, I would say, I would give him the benefit of the doubt because of what's going on right now. But I think he's actually, that worked up all the time. Oh, I think so too. I think he's actually that worked up all the time oh I think so too I think I think he's got uh real problems yeah um and uh even though we were not in the same room it was it was scary at times to uh to talk to him I agree although Doug uh new friend Doug salt of the earth I liked him Doug took to

him like a duck to a psychopath. One thing that I was grateful for is that we learned the definition of a cash out. How about that? We did. And it was not what I thought. No, not at all what I thought. I thought it was just a payment of some sort. I didn't realize that it was a strange barter system that also involves of some sort. I didn't realize that it was a strange barter system that also involves money as a sort of placeholder. And specifically someone named Lucy. Someone named Lucy who demands $3,000 in cash. And for that, you can rent a truck or get a meal. Indeed. Now, Joan, we just have time for one last post. Yes. What were you saying? Something or?

I wasn't. Sorry. Oh, you're freezing a little bit. You did too, Burns. Yeah, I'm getting some. I didn't freeze. You froze. I didn't mean it as an accusation.

I just meant I was narrating for the listener what was going on. I haven't been able to get Botox now for weeks. Okay. So it's impossible for my face to freeze right now. If you really must know it's drooping all over the place. I think you look the same as you always do. So to be fair, I only get it in my temples because my

jaw clicks at night. This is I think you're entering that phase of being drunk where you're getting a little mean. And so I think it's good that we are. We are winding down. You get salty. and so I think it's good that we are winding down. Am I a meat jerk? Uh,

you get salty. A little salty. Oh, alright. I'm sorry, y'all. I'm sorry. It's quite alright. Just, I'm trying to tread lightly. We do have time for one last post and this comes to us from Albert. Albert has posted, this is a very enigmatic one it's

pictures of uh uh some uh tile work i guess that he's done uh there's various various rooms but the the body of the the the subject line is tile and then then the body of the post is just the tile job from Albert and the screw. Oh, it sounds like an Aesop's fable. It does. Because the screw is not capital. At first I thought that was someone's title themselves. But they're known as the screw. Like a wrestler.

It's not. The screw. Exactly. themselves but they're known as the screw right like a wrestler it's not the screw exactly exactly like the wrestler right but uh it's not capitalized so it it it does seem to mean a literal screw but i i don't understand the context of one screw with in the context of tiles. It doesn't say anything else? No, just the tile job from Albert and the screw. Do you think that that's his company name? I don't know. Why isn't it capitalized? It's sort of, it sounds

to me like a morning show, like a morning, like a radio show. Oh, right. The Baba Booey type situation. Yes. You're in the drive time with Albert and the Screw. Yeah. With a lot of fart sounds and like. That's right.

And a lady who just laughs at them. That's right. Who just goes, oh, you guys. Yes. So I don't know. I guess Albert is showing off the tile job that he's done. Although, to be fair, the the the pictures themselves, the tile is kind of in the background a lot of the time. It's not really he's focused on a lot of the furniture in the room and not so much on the tile.

Maybe that's where the screw comes in. Like it's a like it's a like it's a uh like a turn at the end like a joke at the end like uh pulling yanking the yanking the rug out from under you did you think that because of the the story of the turn of the screw by henry james i was thinking of the turn of the screw but what i meant is i that was what i first thought of but what i meant to have instead of turn was like a surprise like something getting yanked out from under you like sure ha ha guess what this is the screw part is that you thought it was one thing and you got screwed and it's another but see did you think it was one thing in the first place because i have not been able to connect the screw to this this narrative if it can be called that in any way albert Albert, I guess, has a tile company.

He says, look, here's some tile. The subject is tile. And then you can barely see the tile in there. And then I don't know where the screw comes in. Also, screw is not needed to apply tile, right? It would make sense if it was like Albert and the caulk. Yes. sense that it was like albert and the caulk yeah exactly yes we are the two of us together are responsible for this tile job me albert and this the caulk we present to you this tile job yes i

don't know where this right if anyone knows please let us know who the who or what the screw is uh and albert if you're listening we'd love to hear from you. What were you talking about? Well, Joan, I'm afraid that's going to do it for this episode of The Neighborhood. Listen, I hope you will sleep it off and return next time as we record once again from our respective homes.

Yes. And your color is looking really good, Bernd. So I know you're not getting a lot of sleep, but I don't know, maybe just going out to the pharmacies, getting you some vitamin D, which they say is very important. Yeah. I think my color is probably because I've moved on to eating the orange circus peanuts. And so I think they're slowly, they're slowly working themselves into a flesh tone. But of course, if I continue at this rate, it will go too far. And I'll look like I have a bad spray tan. So I'm trying to figure out the perfect mixture to make it look like my skin is just normal while still, of course, eating nothing but circus peanuts really wish you'd accept something else from me and i could drop off on your doorstep you know like some fried chicken

or spaghetti anything i guess there's people that need them more than i do uh well uh thank you very much remember we do have an email address it is burnt and joan at gmail.com if you would like to screen cap uh a post of your your own and send it to us and perhaps we can, we can share it on the net. And who, who found, who found Yes, I, I was, I almost called him Robert and I realized that is verboten. You don't want to do that.

Who found that post for us for Shug slash Fernwood? Actually, that one was one that I found myself. Oh, you found that one yourself. I did. I did. Thank you. Forgive me. It's hard to keep track of because we are going back and forth between a post that we have found and then posted other people have found.

Yes. So, yes, but, but good, fine. Joan, I, you were the one who brought that person into our lives.

Yes. So now we, we do have to say farewell, but, but yeah, Bert and Joan at gmail.com. So if you, if you find one screen cap and send it,

and I will say this, we're, we're not so interested in the comment threads following the posts. A lot of people are sending us in multiple screen caps where people are going back and forth. I don't know if we had to say this, but we have not been really following the comment sections of any of the posts. And we're not going to start. There's just so many. There's so many.

There's just so many. There's so many. There's just so many. And if it makes it easier for you to just screen cap the one thing, then that's fine. But if the interesting part of the post is the comments, you don't have to send that in. So thank you,

and we will see you again. Well, we won't see anyone. We have got to stop recording right now. So you're doing good, Bert. You're doing good, Bert. Let's just say be safe, be secure and goodbye. And bye. Bye.