The Neighborhood Listen - The Mysterious Prank Calls with Drew Tarver

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Joan + Doug detail their experience with a new white noise machine. Meanwhile, Burnt shares how he unintentionally filibusters on the CVS pharmacy intercom. Plus, Trevor (Drew Tarver) wants to figure out who is behind all the prank calls he receives.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker. On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website. Occasionally, we change the names of some streets. And that's all you need to know. And now, please enjoy this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.

Who's there? Your neighbor. Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the NeighborHap app and us, Burn, and Jode. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell, we'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well. We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to The Neighborhood Listen.

Hello once again and welcome to The Neighborhood Listen. This is a podcast based out of the neighborhood of Dignity Falls. And we will meet some people from Dignity Falls and we'll just talk about the neighborhood. And that way you'll get to know us and we will not get to know you because we cannot hear you. My name is... Burnt! I don't know. You know what? I, here's the thing, Joan, I feel these intros are getting away from me and I don't know what happened. I wish I could say something like,

no, no, you're doing great, but I kind of agree with you. Yeah. I mean, there it's the wheels are off the trolley as they used to say. Is it, is it that kind of thing? Are you having that kind of thing? I have it sometimes too, where you're talking and if you go too long in the intro, now you're just saying, oh, I'm listening to myself talking and I'm talking and- Recording in progress. And now I can only think of myself-

Oh, Joan, just a friendly reminder, this is being recorded. Thank you. That was jarring. Do you have that thing, Bert, where you're listening to yourself talk because you're talking for too long and now you're just really in your head about it and you're like, this is what I sound like. This is what I sound like.

Is that what happened to you just now? Do you know, it used to only happen when I would have to make announcements over the PA at the pharmacy. And there was something about hearing my own voice on the speakers that I would just get lost and I would just be saying things. I was like, it was like a filibuster on the Senate floor. Give me like a top three of like what you have to announce in the CBS from day to day. It's usually summoning employees to the pharmacy. Okay.

Sometimes it is to, unfortunately, summon security if someone gets upset or is violent. Oh, why? There's a lot of violence at the pharmacy uh no i wouldn't say a lot but i wouldn't say it's never happened um you know you remember of course that story about the the guy with the troubadour with the cutlass who uh who stabbed himself yes and uh why the carpet's red now yeah that's why we have all the blood that's right and uh uh i think you should just take the carpet out and just put tile. I agree.

So, yeah, but it has happened, you know, and the third, the least, I would say announcement, the least announcement. Oh, no, it's happening even in short spurts. I'm thinking about being on that microphone and that's what's doing it to me. Yes, exactly. Well, you become very self-conscious all of a sudden, you know know not me

really because i've been on stage and i've been in houses doing open houses and i'm a very social person but when i get nervous in a house when i go to a house that's not mine oh i get so anxious i know you do i've seen you do you know what pops into my head what if i forget that i don't live here and i'm afraid that i'll go to bed in there and this is this other person so well you would except for then you get to the bedroom and you'd be like wait this bed doesn't fold up into the wall and you'd immediately know that you are not i would hope that it not being a murphy bed my not having to pull it down from the wall would be a trigger but it is true i have seen you at one or two parties one or two holiday parties and it's like you try to disappear into the fabric of the house yes i've seen you hide behind a curtain uh but i but i've seen you reach behind from behind the

curtain to get a chip and that's how i know i was like dad is burnt and i have seen you try to i've seen you hide amongst books i saw you just uh you turned you turned your back towards the books it was very scary i thought it was a ghost at first honestly because i turned your back towards the books. It was very scary. I thought it was a ghost at first, honestly. Because I turned my back towards the books. Because it was just someone, you know how things are more scary in movies, like in a horror movie when someone's back is to you, right? As opposed to like, if a ghost... Are you saying I scared the books?

No. You scared me because your back was to me. You know, if you see something in a movie, in a scary movie and its back is to you, that's scary that if I'm looking at a ghost head on. If a ghost says it's back to me, I'm like, oh, God, what are we dealing with? But a ghost looking at you, you're like, okay, this guy I could do. I know what I'm dealing with.

Yes, absolutely. He's reasonable. Boy, that one party where the chips were so close to the curtain, that was heaven. That worked out pretty well for you. Oh, boy. Why don't more people do that? I know. well for you. Oh boy. Why don't more people do that? But the, the, the announcement that we make the least is, could you please turn the station, uh, the music station? Because, uh,

sometimes it's just, it's just too much, you know, you, you know, I mean, the one you make the least. Yeah. It's, it's we, cause we, we have a high tolerance for the music that you hear at the pharmacy. Um, because we, you know, we work there and it's sort of, sometimes it fades in the background, but sometimes new songs get in there and you just gotta sometimes you just gotta say please just just put it on something else just anything i feel like every time i go into your cvs is playing steve winwood yes bring me your high love uh uh valerie uh uh uh the other one high life high life that's the one back in the high life again. Oh, boy, oh, boy. That used to get me going back in the day.

Remember those guys, Michael Bolton and all them? What a different time when you could have hair like that. Oh, these were the ones that really got you. Well, you know, Michael Bolton kind of annoyed me, if I'm being honest. Doug knows this. You wish I would be? I wish you would be honest. I appreciate that. What was it about him that annoyed you? I don being honest. Doug knows this. You wish I would be? I wish you would be honest. I appreciate that.

What was it about him that annoyed you? I don't know. It was... Doug, of course, is Joan's husband and our engineer. And Doug, where are you today? You're right there. Great. I am in...

Oh, yes. No, well, I was just going to say he's saying that because, all right, this is a little embarrassing, but we had to do something about it. It's because he said, I'm right there because he's in the sign room. The sign room. The twins have stolen so many signs. Doug and Joan have three kids. They have their daughter, Jelaiopi, and the twins, Matt and Grind.

That's right. That's right. And they've stolen so many, like, road signs? Oh, you know, road signs. Right, exactly. Or, you know, stop signs, but, like, extremely bizarre signs. Signs that probably shouldn't have even been, you know, danger signs. Things that probably shouldn't have been taken down.

And they were just piled up in the garage. And I was like, well, it's not like I'm going to take them to Goodwill, or I'm going to turn them in, or I'm going to say, you know, people are going to realize we have these these signs but it's also like people like to sort of have them you know like if you go on certain website people are always trying to sell them on ebay anyway it's not that well what if they make a room is that so I think so listen I don't know Joan this isn't like you you said that so confidently but then it seemed like you were making up.

I just said I appreciate if you're honest. Okay, here's what happened to my brain. Here's two things that's going on right now. Two things going on right now in my brain. Brain problems are plaguing this episode. I have brain problems. Here's why. One is, I know a couple friends that have these sort of signs that seem to be hard to get.

And my brain just, like, you know how in Jurassic Park they put one- Danger, Zamboni accident. You know how in Jurassic Park- That's got to be hard to get. And my brain just, like, you know how in Jurassic Park they put one- Danger, Zamboni accident. You know how in Jurassic Park- That's gotta be rare. Yeah. I got two of those. No, I mean like a- You've got two.

Well, twins. They had to find two of each. We have two of every- Oh, is that the way it works? Yeah. Dignity Falls has two hockey teams, so it makes it confusing. That's true.

That's true. That's true. Okay. So let me back up. So in my, you know how in Jurassic Park, they explain how they like put one missing part of the DNA from a frog into the dino DNA. And that's how they get a full day. Right.

So my brain, dino DNA. So what I did in my brain was I put, I put the idea that they got them on eBay into my mind as if that's how they got them. You know, like a rare, a rare street sign that has their actual name or something. And I just looked at the wall and I went, oh, they probably got that on eBay. And that's how it became real in my mind. You filled in a blank.

I filled in a blank. And so here's the other thing that happened. But the truth is they just stole them. Probably. Now I'm realizing that because that's what my boys did. They're teenagers. The other thing that's happening is I am not getting a lot of good sleep because Doug has decided he wants to fall asleep

to a white noise machine, but this thing has seven options. I'll tell you what. I woke up last night. You know what he switched it to? The birds. The birds. There's one of just birds tweeting, like springtime morning birds. I still don't understand. We haven't even really talked about this because I haven't seen

you all morning, babe. Why? Why? Why do you want to fall asleep to that sound? I could not sleep. Well, I mean, it's just one of the options. It seems like it's fair. It's fair game. But I think that the noise machine is supposed to be for calming, like also used during the

day for meditation. I think it's a meditation choice. I hate to say this, Joan, but Doug has made a great point. Why would they put it on there if it wasn't relaxing to someone? And I'm answering because it's intended as a background noise machine for sleep, but also meditation, cleaning around the house, thinking, crying, whatever you want to do. If we're having trouble sleeping and they're saying that those loud birds are calming and should be calming, I think it's on us to adapt to that and to learn to think of it as calming. I don't think I can agree with you there, Doug. That seems strange to make this machine your master.

But let me ask you this, Doug. Did you find the birds, the loud birds calming? No, I'm not there yet, but I'm giving, I'm. You don't have to, you don't have to work up to it, babe. Just skip it. Just do the waves crashing. That one was nice. Or just the regular white noise.

One option I like is the, the, the, the variety option. All play? Just goes through all of them. That is maddening. I love that. As soon as I get used to one, all of a sudden in comes a train on a track after a babbling brook. And it's like that thing where you're just about to fall asleep. And then again,

you wake up. Yes. Unreal. I can't live like this. This is not going to happen tonight. I'm going to tell you right now. Wow. Because I feel crazy.

I feel like I just haven't slept enough. And so anyways, that as you can, so as you can, as you, as you can, as you can hear, he's in the sign room. See, I don't even know what that meant. I was going to say, as you can see, but this is a podcast, Bernd. I'm telling you, you're going to have to carry this one for me today. I don't know. Well, you saw the troubles I was having.

So that's how we started. We're in big trouble. We're in real big trouble. We're in big trouble. We certainly can't rely on Doug. Let me ask you this. Rather than take these signs to the dump, you decided, let's devote a room in our home to these stolen road signs. This is like their treasure.

Every time I try to get rid of them, they lose their minds. I am just tired of the conversation. So we had an extra room. What do they do? They cry. They're too old for that. I'm not kidding you. It's the only time I've ever an extra room. What do they do? They cry. They're too old for that. I'm not kidding you. It's the only time I've ever seen them cry. Ever.

I remember they were very stoic babies. Such stoic babies. Just no, like they would make one, well, a cring? Cring? Cring was it? Crined. Crined. Cr crying doesn't have tear ducts none of that helps well they just yeah does it help

is that what you said does it help you said that he doesn't have tear ducts so that helps oh i thought doug said. See what'll happen. This has been all morning. This has been, it's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. And the bird's fault. Like sometimes Doug says something underneath both of us.

And I think that I miss it. That's what I thought happened just now. I'm sorry. I see. But you thought he said, you know, like when he kept saying vagina in that other episode, a bunch.

Yeah. Yeah. So, okay, fine. So, no, they cry. They get very upset. They bang me. Now, how does crying to cry without the tear ducts? Well, you know he's faking it.

I'm surprised you haven't heard of this. There's a new pharmaceutical drug out that helps you produce tears. Oh, yes. Without tear ducts. Pluribel. That's what it's called. Pluribel, I believe, was supposed to be for people with dry eyes, not for people who had an absence of tear ducts. People who are medical autotrans.

It makes him like, I mean, it's a river. It's an actual river. But now, but he's getting upset. You see him put the drops in. But how would you fall for it? No, no, it's not a drop. It's a pill. And it just generates tears in his body, no, it's not a drop. It's a pill and it just

generates tears in his, in his body. They have it in pill form now. Okay. I haven't seen the pills yet. I, I, this, this sounds, I don't know if these were obtained legally, Joan. They're kind of adorable. They're in a teardrop shape. They're chewable. I feel like the sharp end of the teardrop would beardrop would be dangerous to swallow. They're chewable, so they're soft anyways. They're light. Grind can't eat anything really that hard. He's never been very good at chewing fully and small.

Correct. That's right. You know, it's funny because outwardly they look exactly alike, but then internally there's so many differences. So many problems. Oh, differences, yes. They are technically fraternal twins who look identical. Yes. Yes. It's because they sustained all the same injuries.

I just think it made their faces end up looking the same. Sure. Yeah. Let me ask you this. When they were kids, when they were little and July was little, did they all get along together? How do they get along now? They get along. They exist now.

You know, it sort of seems like kids hit an age where they realize, oh, we can just, you know, gang up against mom and dad. And we're just going to basically. Right. It's us against them. Right. And that's kind of what happened. But when they were younger, they just used to do a lot of reenactments with Jalipe. So that's how she was included.

You know, they just used to do a lot of reenactments with Jalipe. So that's how she was included. You know, they would do Oh, well, they would do sort of just like different reenactments of historical moments, you know, like they did. They did a whole Salem witchcraft trial. And I was like, get your get your sister down from there. It was ridiculous. They made a pyre outside. I mean, it was just

which is bad because, you know, they were obsessed with fire, but they were always very she always she loved it. She got a costume. You know, she got to do something. They did a whole, oh, they did a whole Tarantino series. And, uh, I mean, I lost my mind. Historical moments in Tarantino's life. No, they did some movie scenes as well. They did either historical, they did like favorite scenes and they dressed her up in the red and the black short wig and the white shirt. Oh, sure. And they put some food coloring under her nose. I was like, she is nine.

What is wrong with you? Why? How would they know about that film? Well, because they were older. This was they didn't do this. They were older than her. Yeah, they're older than her. But they still are not old enough to see this.

This wasn't right when it came out. And they did this when they were in high school. Yeah, but that's true. Okay. All right. I suppose they're old enough now to. I lost the timeline. You seem really suspicious.

Don't worry about it. You know, I'm just having one of those days where I forget how old your kids are. Why are you so worried about it? I'm not. Joan, I feel like I'm making you upset. Well, now I feel like I'm on the defensive. Like you're saying I'm a bad mother or something. I don't. I don't. I don't mean that. I don not, Joan. I feel like I'm making you upset. Well, now I feel like I'm on the defensive, like you're saying I'm a bad mother or something. I don't mean that. I don't think that. Like,

I don't know how old my kids are. Like, I don't know what year they were born. Okay, Joan. I know. I apologize. I don't have to tell you. No, you don't have to tell me. I did momentarily forget, but now I'm back on track. Good. Good. That's good. Now back to the intro. So my name is Burmea Payday. I'm a pharmacist here at Dignity Falls. I work at the CVS and this is my co-host, Joan Pedestrian. Hello. Oh, that was fabulous, Burns. That was really great. I think you're back. A little bit about you. Oh, they've heard enough. I don't, I don't think so. Joan is, Oh, they've heard enough. I don't think so. Joan is the top realtor in Dignity Falls and is also the most accomplished thespian that we have in our community theater.

I was thinking you're saying too much. And then you said that we have. And I went, oh, okay, fair, fair. In this small town. Although, you know. I feel guilty that I didn't say in the world. But I don't know that I can make that claim. Well, remember, there was a rumor. Although, you know, I feel guilty that I didn't say in the world, but I don't know that I can make that claim. Well, remember, there was a rumor.

There was a rumor that Meryl Streep had been born here in Dignity Falls. Yes. And everyone got very, very excited. Yes. Because they said it was just that she was born. This was before you could like Google stuff and everything, you know. So it was just this rumor that she was born, I think, in a car on the side of the road. Because there was that sheriff. He's the one who told the story.

He delivered the baby. Who was it? Sheriff, Sheriff Boykin. Was that his name? Sheriff Boykin. Yeah. With the mustache.

Billy Boykin. Yeah, that's right. Sheriff Billy Boykin. He had that huge mustache. Huge mustache. Like it went out the window. You could see him,

you know, he's driving his patrol car and the hands of his mustache, like the one, cause the one, I think he must've trimmed it at a certain point where it was equally out. So he grew very, very long on the, on the right side.

So the, both the tips would, would be out the door. Yeah. Only for that reason. Yes. Yes. And he,

so talk about, I mean, a guy who looks like that, can you believe anything he says? He's clearly looking to get attention. And that wasn't the only one that he spread, but yeah, he would tell the story about how he, he pulled over a couple and they were swerving and this and that. And it turned out that this woman was in labor and that at the moment the baby came out, you know, he said, I loved you in Sophie's Choice. And he just, he's like, oh, she didn't think I knew, but I knew. And I think he was just a big fan.

I'm sorry. He says that he delivered the baby and said to the baby, I love you in Sophie's Choice. No, he said it to Meryl Streep, but this isn't even Meryl Streep. I don't even think the story exists. That's how he told it. That he waited until the baby was born to fan out on her. That was the point of the story. OK, but I guess I'm confused

in the timeline here that he's delivering a baby that he somehow knows is Meryl Streep. And he is a fan. No. Oh, oh. Am I wrong? No, this is because I haven't slept again. I forgot. See, in the middle. Oh, there was a missing segment. A linking segment. In the middle of telling the story, I thought it was Meryl Streep delivered a baby. Delivered a baby.

Oh, I see. I see. And so after the baby was born, he says to the mother, I love you and Sophie's choice, which what a fun movie to reference. Doug, this is all your fault. I didn't get any sleep last night. Would you like white noise now? No, no, please not.

I'm a little curious. What do you got? All right. How about you play burnt all of the options? Yeah, all of them. You can start with whichever one you want. Okay. Yeah, they don't have to go in order of any kind. We've only named four.

The white noise is like. That one is terrible. And I said absolutely not to that one is terrible and i said absolutely not to that one we never tried to sleep to that one one more time yeah i like that one at first the grudge i don't think that's very relaxing at all that's where their backs are always turned to you in that one. That's right. There's pink noise. That's the thing. It's weird. It is weird.

It's technically a perfect signal. A perfect waveform. Doug has been getting really into all the sound stuff lately. Sure. Sounds like it. It's perfect. It's perfect. It's That's the pink noise. That's a perfect waveform. That's a perfect sound. Technically perfect.

It fades out really quick. You might not like it, but it's technically, it's a perfect. Whether you like it or not, it is technically perfect. Yes, if you look at it, it just looks beautiful. It's a perfect Alright, let's hear number three. Okay, number three. Why do you

sound like you're going somewhere? I'm just trying to figure out this box. Which one is that? Right, I hear it. Which one is that? It's just all symbols. So I'm not sure.

It's. Well, what is it? What does it say? It's like a glowing symbol. Yeah, I would, I would skip to the next one. I don't like that one. Let's just do one more. We have to get going.

Was that one of them? That was one of them. I them? I just fell over. Oh, no. Doug, are you all right? Did you fall over? Did you fall over a sign? That last sound did something to me. I'm not sure what that was.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We're a trio today, aren't we? This is, I don't know, who knows if anyone's going to enjoy this episode. The bottom line is, Meryl Streep was neither born here, nor did she give birth here.

And I think that's what the takeaway is. Here's what's funny, who started that rumor, and it wasn't Sheriff Billy Boykin. It wasn't? It was Sharon Stone. What? Sharon Stone. She? Sharon Stone.

She's very jealous of Meryl Streep. And she was telling people that Meryl Streep was born in Dignity Falls. She thought it was an insult. Are you serious? I read this. Why did she think our town was an insult? What has she got against us? I don't know.

And she's in Mensa, so maybe she's right. Well, I got to look into this. I don't like that. I don't like anyone who uses our town as an insult. Do you remember when her boyfriend was bitten by the Komodo dragon? I do not. Which boyfriend was that? I don't remember.

He was some finance guy or something like that, a real bore, and just a snoot. And they were somewhere, and there was a Komodo dragon there there and the dragon bit him right through the shoe. Yikes! And you know, those things are full of poison. Yes, I have heard that. Yeah. Well, jeez. He was San Francisco Chronicle editor Phil Bronstein.

I guess I was off. He was on a money guy. Doug loves Sharon Stone, so he knows everything about her. Is that so, Doug? he knows everything about her. Is that so, Doug? I know everything about her. What's your favorite Sharon Stone film? The Lucky Stone. The Lucky Stone.

Yes. Okay, what's that one about? Is it about her? It's about Sharon Stone. Yes. Okay. I'm familiar with this film. Yes.

He finds all the most obscure things. I'm telling you. I don't know what to tell you. Nothing more to add on, on the lucky stone? Well, it seems like you haven't seen it. Well,

I haven't. I mean, that's why I would like to know where you, you don't want to spoil it for me, even though it's about the life of Sharon Stone. Yes. Yes. So want to spoil it for me. Even though it's about the life of Sharon Stone. Yes. Yes. So Wikipedia could spoil the movie.

You could Google it. Maybe I will. Okay. Maybe he will. Thanks for backing me up, I think. Exactly. I got you, Bert. I'm really sorry.

We really tied one on last night with not sleeping because of those burns. Oh, I'm really sorry. We're just, uh, we're, we're really, we're really, we really tied one on last night with not sleeping because of those burns. You really, I don't know if you can just use that expression for everything. I guess not. I guess not. I don't, I don't even, now I've lost the idea of what expressions to use burnt. I don't, I need help. You know what? I've never asked this before and maybe maybe I should do this off mic, but I just might have to ask you for a prescription for sleeping. Honestly, I've never taken anything for sleeping.

Oh, really? Okay. No. You know, there's a number of over-the-counter items that you can try before you go to a prescription. Right. But I've tried that. What's that?

Melatonin? I've tried that. I can't. It doesn't do anything. Melatonin, yes. It that melatonin? I've tried that. I can't. It doesn't do anything to me. Melatonin, yes. It doesn't work? It did nothing for me. No.

CBD. Of course, all drugs are legal here in Dignity Falls. Of course. I get real weird on it. We're the only town to legalize heroin. That was a mistake. That was a very big a very big mistake nobody uses it anymore i actually think it worked i think i think people got it out of their system is that right i don't know i don't know well you would know because you're the one who's driving around at night watching dark deals

go down well it's true and uh you know of course we sell it at the pharmacy. But I haven't I haven't seen any any heroin related problems since for about five years now. It was legalized in 1979. You know so much about it. Well, I'm born and raised here in Dignity Falls, just like you. That's right. We've never talked about that before. How we were we've literally only ever lived here you and i i mean it's possible we did talk about going away to college or something and maybe that's not true anymore no no of course we went away to college but the

idea that i haven't lived anywhere else other than that i mean have you nor have i no i have not i've only lived here in dignity fallsity Falls. I'll probably die here. There he goes again. We always come around to death. Always. It's lurking around every corner, Joan. Only because you're biking after it. Well, I'm biking.

I'm trying to head it off at the pass and prevent problems. I know you are. I know you are. Listen, I don't want to get into my vigilantism. Perhaps we should take a break. We should probably take a break. And regroup. Maybe we can get ourselves back together.

Oh, boy, yes. Maybe I'll have some caffeine. Okay. That's not a bad idea. Maybe I will, too. Oh, okay. We're going to come back refreshed and rejuvenated. I mean, that's the goal.

Okay. All right. More when The Neighborhood Listen returns. Hey, this is Cecil. Subject line is Costco. Does anyone have any idea why Costco doesn't stock men's pants in anything over size 40? No one that I've asked in the store has the answer.

And welcome back to The Neighborhood Listen. We have taken a little break. Joan had some green tea. I did. I had some candy. Candy often gives me some energy. You did. You just, you know. See my candy drawer? I had some candy. Candy often gives me some energy. You did.

You just love, you know. See my candy drawer? No, it's my own candy, Doug. I have my own emergency candy that I carry around. And you two love very different kinds of candy. You know, Bert really loves old-fashioned candy. I love old-fashioned candy. I love a bit of honey.

I love a Mary Jane. Right, right. O'Henry. O'Henry, I love a ribbon candy. Oh, yes, the ribbon candy. And candy buttons. Saltwater taffy. Don't you have one of those, don't you have a tie that's candy buttons? Not anymore, because I did eat the buttons.

Well, that makes sense. Now it's just a regular tie with gray spots. It's weird that you still wear it. It's weird that you still wear it. It is weird that you still wear it. It's one of my two ties. So why don't we just get to it?

We have a guest here. Yes, indeed. This is a post from Trevor. Okay. It says, scam or prank call. Hello, neighbors. Something strange happened tonight, and I'm not sure if it was a scam or what. I wanted, neighbors. Something strange happened tonight, and I'm

not sure if it was a scam or what. I wanted to see what you all thought. Tonight in Cafe Rio, I was waiting for my to-go order. A guy who is probably in his late teens to early 20s comes up to me and asks if he can use my cell phone to call his dad. I say, that's fine, only if I can hold my phone. I don't want some random person running off with my smartphone. Smart driver. I understand. So he tells me the number to dial and it goes to voicemail. So he gives me a second number to try to, quote, try his mom. It goes to voicemail again.

And this time he starts leaving a message. He starts going off saying, I know you're so and so and you're married to so and so and you're a member of the Illuminati and on and on. Wow. So I immediately hang up and walked away. I thought I was helping someone in need, but instead was used for some weird scam or harassment or something. I agree with him. I don't know how I would categorize this. I'm just confused. Was this some kid prank calling someone? I'm usually better at cold reads than this. Was this some kid prank calling someone? I'm usually better at cold reads than this. Was this some kid prank calling someone or some elaborate scam to get my phone number or something? Now, I actually, since I haven't met him, I don't know.

Did you figure out, Berndt, is this the person who was scammed or the person who was scamming that we're talking to? I don't know. I didn't. I probably should have asked. Oh, sorry. Well, then why don't you tell us, sir? Yeah. Are you Trevor?

No, I'm Trevor. Oh, you are Trevor. Okay. I made this post. Okay. Okay, Trevor. We don't, we're not trying to insult you or anything. You know why?

It's just that you're kind of young looking. And so I thought, oh, I don't know. Maybe this is the guy. Sometimes we bring people. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. I really appreciate that, I don't know. Maybe this is the guy. Sometimes we bring people. Well, thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. I really appreciate that.

I really appreciate that. I'm not super young. Trevor, how old are you? You look, I mean, you look very young. How old are you? Thank you. I am 47. Okay.

Oh. So that's not old, but it's not super young. No, but you do look 47 now. I do. Yeah. It just immediately came into view for you, Burns. I assume by your name. Let me turn to you. Let me turn a little bit to you.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Wow, yes. I would have said you were 27. Oh, when I turn to you? Yes. Oh, yes. In a three-quarter profile,

you look like you're not a day over 27. Yeah, when I, my profile is older than my straight up to you. That's so interesting. Profile is older. Okay, can we see the other profile? Yes. And there we go.

Ooh, Dorian Gray. Very old. When I'm looking to the right. When I'm looking to the right, very, very old. I was an explosion as a child on my left side. You were an explosion as a child. An explosion? Wait, did you say you were one?

I heard that too, Joan. Thank you, Bernd. Trevor, how much sleep did you get last night? I didn't get much. I didn't get a ton of sleep last night. I was up tossing and turning and yelling and screaming. Was it about this prank? Well, yeah.

It's just I don't know if there's an elaborate scam to get my phone number happening in the neighborhood. Who wants it? They can just ask me for it. Oh, they can? I was curious about this. Well, I mean, you can ask anybody for a phone number and they could either say yes or no. He just sounded like he would be willing to give it. But yeah. That's why I took it as that

as well. But let me ask you, Trev, when you think this is an elaborate scam to get your phone number, is it because if they just have your phone, if they're holding your phone or looking at your phone or dialing your phone, somehow they will have your phone number? Yeah, I like to keep my phone number

out of the hands of lunatics, you know? Because as we all know today, you're getting those calls every morning. Get up, where are you? You're supposed to be at work. Oh my. And I hate those. They're driving me nuts.

Are you getting them that often? I'm getting them in the early morning. I'm getting them in the afternoon. You know, why did you leave work so early? You're supposed to be here. So these sound like they're mostly coming from work. Am I understanding that correctly? I know, but they're driving me nuts, these phone calls.

Are you guys kidding me? You think the source of these phone calls is you've given your number out to too many people. You're sure it's a bunch of random spam? This spam is driving me nuts. Got it. How would this, just indulge me, Trevor, how would this spam work? Yes, good question. What's the scam Trevor, how would the spam work? Yes. Good question. What's the scam here?

Well, I, the spam is my boss, Gerard, and he's driving me nuts. Can we, can we ask, can we ask Trevor, where do you work? Exactly. Oh, thank you. I was ready for that one. Cafe Rio. Oh, no do you work? Exactly. Oh, thank you. I was ready for that one. Cafe Rio. Oh, no. Hang on a minute.

This is where the- Cafe Rio. Okay. Cafe Rio. Okay. Yes. You work there at Cafe Rio. Okay.

Where the prank or the scam allegedly took place. Yes. Got it. That's where the scam took place. I was getting my- Or prank. Or prank. Or prank.

Or nuisance. Or harassment. Or prank. Or nuisance. Or harassment. Or nuisance. Or nuisance. Yeah. Mistake. Mistake. Yeah, I was waiting for my employee meal at Cafe Rio, the sweet, sweet carnitas.

And... They are good. Oh, good. So good. Too sweet. Doug doesn't like it. They warn So good. Too sweet. You think they're too sweet? Doug doesn't like it. They warn you twice. Too sweet for me. Doug, they're heavily sweet.

They're drenched in sugar and syrup. Syrup, sugar. This is kind of fun. We've never had a guest address Doug directly. That was kind of fun. That's true. It's never happened before. Never, ever.

No, I know Doug. Doug, I happened before. No, I know Doug. Oh, you know Doug. I know Doug. Doug came up to me on the street the other day and was what I assume is trying to get my phone and my phone number and

Doug, you were lost, right? I was looking for directions, yes. Yes. Babe, where? I mean, you live in this neighborhood. Where were you lost? You live here.

Born and raised. Exactly. Where did you get turned around? Because Doug was visibly lost. Oh, no. Explain that to me. How was he visibly lost? You know when you look up and you squint, you know, you're kind of like, you're maybe looking at a street sign or you're like.

You're saying he looks confused. Yes. Very confused. Okay. Okay. And he said, sir, do you know how. I was looking for the North Star because I've always been told that's how you- Right.

It's a good compass. Yeah, it was late evening. He was looking for the brightest star to sort of like get him home. What? So he came over and he said, can I use your phone? And I said, only if I hold it. Doug, you didn't tell me about any of this. Where was your phone, Doug?

It never came up. I leave my phone at home. It's the most annoying thing in the world. You leave your mobile phone at home. Yeah, because I hate when it runs out of batteries. I like to charge it while I go out. I have bought him so many of those portable batteries, you know, that you can just put them in. A power pack.

Right. He just loses all of them. That makes it heavy and bulky. That too. Yes. You should get the no phone. It's a little, because I'm on my phone constantly. I cannot get off of it.

I can't get off social media. I'm constantly checking. I have a TikTok and Twitter and PayPal and all of it. And I'm constantly, constantly checking PayPal. Let me ask you, what do you do on TikTok, Trevor? I review sauces. Any kind of sauce? Any kind of sauce.

And I only do it with the robotic voice. Oh, I'd love to hear that. You mean you do it yourself or you use the robotic voice? No, I use the robotic sauce. Oh, I'd love to hear that. You mean you do it yourself or you use the robotic voice? No, I use the robotic voice. Oh, got it, got it, got it. Yeah, I mean, I can try to do a little impression of it. Sure, we'd love that.

This man... Was that it? Did it start? No, that wasn't it. It hadn't started yet. It hadn't started yet. I forgot to do the voice. Oh, it was mere seconds after announcing you were That wasn't it. It hadn't started yet. It hadn't started yet. I forgot to do the voice. Oh. It was mere seconds after announcing you were going to do it. I kind of have to, sometimes it's hard for me to get into a new character so quickly.

Oh, sure. And we'll explore some of these other characters. I understand that. Yeah, of course. Well, you guys saw my character audition that I did recently. I couldn't. It just stayed the same character the whole time. Which character audition was this?

I've been. Are you referring to a reel or something that you have on YouTube? Yes. So you're assuming we've all seen it. Well, I showed it to Doug when he was lost. Doug, you saw my character reel.

I thought you were giving me the directions. Well, luckily my characters do point you in the direction. I have to say something tells me it doesn't have to come up in order for him to show it to people. I'm going to guess. No, I was looking for feedback. So you're both looking for something.

Yes. Well, I was looking up in the air for feedback, kind of squinting, looking around. Confused. But yes. So here it is. This man is trying a sauce that he doesn't know is spicy for the first time, watch him try it and throw up. So that's

kind of... So you're... But you're not doing the voice on camera. You are... This is a voice over. No, this is a... It's the usage of... Yeah, right. That classic sound. I go over. Very good impression, by the way.

It was great. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Well, I'm surprised I didn't stay in that voice because, you know, once I get into one, I can't go back. Oh, I hear that. But we will explore the other characters in a second.

We for sure will. So then you're, but then are you the man on camera trying the sauce and throwing up? Yeah. So I get sauces. I rip the, sometimes my friends give me sauces and they take the labels off and then I try them and I reverse engineer the

captions that the robot reads. Right, so what's happening is it's your honest reaction to the sauces and then you'll go back and do the narration. Do you always throw up? Sometimes. He throws up a lot. I can tell you, he throw up? Sometimes. Sometimes. He throws up a lot.

I can tell you, he throws up a lot. Yeah. I mean, for example, there's one. Do you follow him, Doug? No, it was the same interaction. I did throw up when I was giving Doug directions. Wow. Now, what brought that on?

Well, I actually recorded it and it is on my TikTok. Wow. So I'll show. I mean, here it is. It goes a little something like this. Sure. Let's watch it. Oh, he's holding his phone up to the.

Yeah. Okay. This man thought this was a hot sauce, but it was actually gasoline his friend had given him in a small bottle. Watch him try it and throw up. Wait, are you the friend, Doug? You're calling him your friend? You gave him gasoline?

What's going on? Doug, what color is the bottle that you would mistake gasoline for hot sauce? Okay, it's a big rectangular red with a handle. Okay, a gas can. A gas can. with a handle. Okay, a gas can.

A gas can. And in hindsight, I should have known. And it had one of those little things on the end that you have to push in to get the hot sauce to come out. Yeah, it's a gas can. It's a gas can. We all know what a gas can is.

We sure do. I thought it was like a kitschy, this is so hot hot it's like gasoline but it was the size of a gas can gasoline straights I thought it I get a lot there's a lot of kitschy you know hot sauces nowadays and they put

I wasn't aware oh yes there's there's hot sauces that come on the backs of horses that kick you in the face. What? Okay. I don't know where to begin with that image.

Yeah, that one was just me getting kicked by a horse. And I should have known better. Can we see that video? Can you show us that one? Yes, yes. I should have known better. Can we see that video? Can you show us that one? Yes, yes.

This man thinks he's going to his friend's house to try some hot sauce, but actually his friend is setting him up behind a mayor to get kicked right in the mouth. Oh, ow! You took it pretty well. Actually, yes. Let me ask, are these the reviews of the sauces? Actually, yes. Let me ask, are these the reviews of the sauces? Well, it's turned into, now you see why I'm so worried about being pranked. Because my channel, which started as a hot sauce review, became my friends taking advantage of me and feeding me gas.

Clearly. Doug, I did not know you were such good friends with this man you just met. I thought. We are. We are. That's all good to hear. We are. So I understand.

Okay, hang on. Before we, now I understand maybe why you're a little paranoid, but I want to talk about you working Cafe Rio. But Bert, can we get to the character reel, please? Yes. What are the characters you do? Okay, so you want to know my character reel. But I also want to know what this is for, to

what end. You know, people will make a character reel for SNL or things, and then they'll put it on their channel. Oh my god, I would be obsessed. Well, I'm not saying that that is what's going to happen. We have a very small reach here on this podcast. Sorry, what would you be obsessed with? If I was

making a reel for SNL and they were interested, I would be obsessed. And I just want to caution them to not, you know, get too worked up about it. Yeah, we have no connection to that program. No connection. Like I said, a very small reach. But what did you do it for? Just for the fun of it? Or, we have no connection to that program. No connection. Like I said, a very small reach. But what did you do it for? Just for the fun of it?

Or do you have aspirations? Yeah, because the idea of getting on a TV show seemed very novel to you just now. Yes, exactly. Well, a lot of my friends say, oh, you're such a character. You're such a character. So I decided like, well, maybe I should make a

character real. So that's why I did it. So you thought that meant everyone was saying you have a lot of characters. Right. Yes. Like, yeah, you're such a character. Whoa. This is great feedback.

Whoa, you're interesting. Please. Tell. Please, you're interesting. Please, tell them. Please, sir. Enough, enough. They'll say stuff like that. And that's how people usually respond to these characters on Saturday Night Live. They're like, this is too much. We have to get this character off of Weekend Update.

Right. Whoa, you're interesting. Yes, yes, yes. Knock, knock, here comes the weirdo. Right, exactly. One of those sketches. Exactly. So, okay, please give us...

I wanted to go... I want to talk to. I would love to be considered for any show that has characters. And so you want to hear some of the characters or you want me to just list them? Both. I want you to list them and then we'd like to hear from them. And I think, I think Trevor, this is a great opportunity for you because although we have no connection to SNL, this will, we do have some listeners. And so this will, this will be an audience for you.

Right. Okay. Okay. I mean, maybe you're very popular on TikTok and YouTube. I have no idea. Yeah. How many followers do you have?

Well, I have about half a million followers. Whoa. Wow. I mean, that's, that's incredible. That's amazing.

Whoa. You're interesting. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, like, I am a little suspicious of having half a million followers because of my most recent video. Which was? Which was? Here, I'll play it for you.

Okay. We told this man that he had half a million characters. That's so weird. You posted the blooper? That was an accident. Yeah, why wouldn't you? You should take that one down. Yeah, why would you redo it? No, I don't have time to delete them. I just have to keep going. I have to keep going. Okay. All right, let's keep watching it. Here's the real video. Here's the real video.

The real one, okay. Okay. We told this man he had half a million followers on TikTok and filmed his reaction. Are you serious? Oh, my God. And then we gave him a little bit of hot sauce to try. Ew. My God. And then we gave him a little bit of hot sauce to try. Oh, you threw up again. Okay.

At the end, they had just, someone just, they blew out a candle and put it in the frame. Like one of those big, one of those big scented candles in a glass jar you see in people's homes. And you just drank it right down. Yeah. I sipped a big gulp of Yankee candle wax. How did you not, how, how would you mistake that for hot sauce, Trevor? Exactly. I was so excited of the half a million followers. So I think I just, no, and I'm always, I'm a fool for sauce. Like I love sauce. So I just kind of like swigged it down.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, now we're in for the parade of characters. Only for the ones you feel comfortable with. Why don't you just list three and then do them. Okay, so this is- Great idea. This is FedEx Man. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Okay. What does he find so funny at the end?

We know you have other choices, but thank you for choosing. Sounds just like him. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm a little confused. Maybe you share my confusion. Okay. Are we talking about when you say

FedEx, does that mean Federal Express? The delivery service? Yes. Okay. Why would he be saying thank you for coming? Or do you think that he's on a FedEx plane saying thank you for coming to the packages on the plane? This is the guy. What if that was in Castaway?

If there was a scene where Tom Hanks said hello to all the packages and thanked them for coming before the plane crashed. Yeah, no, I understand this confusion. It's neither of those. It's not the guy in the truck. It's not the person on the plane. It's not the guy in the truck. It's not the person on the plane. It is the person at the FedEx brick and mortar location as somebody walks in with a package to drop off.

Okay, and he says, thank you for coming? Then he always says, we know you have many other options. Right. Thank you for choosing us. Dutch just said it sounded exactly like him, so I guess he knows exactly what he's talking about. There's usually a UPS store down the street. There's all kind of places.

I'm sorry, is this a specific FedEx man that you're doing an impression of? Yes, it's the one close to my house that's right next to a Box Brothers. And I guess Doug has been there as well because he seems to recognize. He says it's spot on. Yes.

You know about this. Just like him. And there's just so many other locations. It's very similar to the Lowe's Home Depot debacle where there's always one next to the other. What? Debacle. So you think that's a mistake that's something that yeah maybe they were building the store simultaneously didn't know what they would be until they put the signs on there's always when the home depot crew shows up to build there is a similar construction site close and they're like

i better not be it better not be and then they slap the logo on the last day and they're like, I better not be, it better not be. And then they slapped the logo on the last day and they're like, fuck, we should have been closer to a small neighborhood. We should have cut them off location wise. You know what I mean? Sure. Of course. Number two. Okay. And that was it for character, but you wrote just those three sentences for that character. Yeah. Well, there, yeah, there was thank you for character, but you wrote just those three sentences for that character. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, there was thank you for coming, thank you for coming. We know you have many other choices. Thank you for coming.

Okay. Got it. All right. Next one. That's the catchphrase. All right. Sure. Hello.

Oh, hold on. I have to label this. Yes, please. You didn't tell us who that was. You should label it. Yes. Give us the label first. Okay. So this is Champ's sports guy. Okay.

So this is Champ's sports guy. Hello. Thank you for coming. Right this way. We know you have many other choices. Thank you for coming. And see.

Right. Some similarities to the FedEx guy. Where is he taking you when he says right this way? Back to the shoe wall. I had the same question. Back to the shoe wall.

Back to the shoe wall. Okay. Yes. And this is, you know, it's not only with the Home Depot and the Lowe's debacle,

we have the, we have the Foot Locker Champs Sports debacle. Right. And they're usually both in the same mall, close to each other, and then they slap the logo on the final day, and they're like, damn it, we've done it again.

We're so close. We should have cut them off location-wise. You know, so... Cut them off location-, you know, so cut them off location. Okay. So, and what I mean, are you guys familiar what I mean when I say cut them off location? Yes. I think I, I think I figured it out. Okay. Okay. Just want to make sure, make sure, you know,

build closer to the neighborhood so you can cut them off location wise. I assumed it meant don't be building at the same time as another store. That's what I thought it meant. So you can get up there first. No, no. It means where everybody lives, you want to get a little bit closer than your competitor to that location. So when they drive, they're like, are we going to go to Lowe's or are we going to go Home Depot? I just go to the one that's closer. Well, unless they're directly across the street from each other, I would assume that one of them would definitely be closer

to where people live. Well, that's the problem is they're usually right next to each other. Right, but that would mean that one would be closer. Very slightly. Very slightly. We're getting real. We're lost in the weeds here a little bit about this... Yes.

About this location thing. I just wanted to make sure you guys knew. I now don't... Now I'm so confused. What I really want to know... I really want to know what your third character is

because I... Okay. So this is an impression. This is an impression. Oh, this is an impression. Yes. Like a celebrity? What are the other two not...

They seemed very specific. Well, those were impressions, but they come in way later in the character. You get revealed. It's a reveal. Wait, you mean you do impressions as both of those characters? No, those characters are celebrities. Right. The FedEx man and the FedEx man and champs. Sporting goods. Yes. Yes. Right. The FedEx man and the

champs. Yes. But you don't consider those impressions even though you're supposedly mimicking the voice. You can argue every character is based on someone, right, Bernd? Yes. Oh.

Oh. Excuse me. Sorry, I just tore some of my ankle. Oh, the dog tore some of your ankle. Damn, Doug. Yes, you really got in there. Do you need to go, Doug? Babe, what's going on?

Damn, Doug. I really want to hear this. Damn, Doug. Back at it again. All right, so this is, you're just saying, okay, let's just hear it. Are we supposed to guess who it is? Oh, yeah. Well, first we'll have to label and then we will hear the character.

The impression. Okay. So I have to label it first. Okay. Okay. Okay. This is Christopher Walken. The actor. This is Christopher Walken. Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. We know you have many options. Thank you for coming. It's starting to sound like Donald Trump at the end. Definitely. I don't even think it started like Christopher Walken. It did sound like someone, though.

I don't know who it was. It sounded like a pleasant older gentleman. That's for sure. But now where, in your mind, where is Christopher Walken in that scene? Will you please just take Doug? Oh, my God. Your ankle is getting ripped apart, Doug. Jesus.

Damn, Douglas. Damn, Doug. Prescription. What? Babe, just get it up. You need a prescription for... Is that what you just... Torn ankle.

For torn ankle. You're going to have to get stitches. Are we talking very serious? Are you bleeding a lot? Quite a bit. I'm using some of these signs to pull it up. This is... Damn.

Maybe like a temporary toe away sign probably would be best for that. Rather than a metal one way. There's a honey baked ham sign. That's actually nice. That's probably why you're getting bit he thinking that maybe he actually can read I don't know perhaps he thinks it's a ham there so where's Christopher Walken

yeah where is he he is at a Chevron okay so he works at a Chevron and he's thanking people for not going to the 76. It's across the street.

Sure. That whole debacle. So it's the 76 Chevron debacle. But is he, so it's Chris, the idea is the character is, it's Christopher Walken himself working at a Chevron. Yes. Not, he's not playing someone who works at a Chevron. That was my question.

Yeah. he's not playing someone who works at a Chevron. Well, that was my question. Yeah. I mean, Christopher Walken is actually the person at champ sports. And that is,

what? Why didn't he sound when you did the champ sports guy? Why didn't he sound like what you sound like when you're doing Christopher Walken? Right? Well, he, it's a reveal at the end. Like he goes, by the way, welcome to Jam Sports. That absolutely sounded like Donald Trump.

It didn't. I hate to say. That really did sound intentionally like a choice. No, I mean, I don't know. I can't tell the difference between those two voices, you know, but that's why I would be obsessed if SNL was interesting. Absolutely. was the fact that you're getting a lot of phone calls currently from your place of work,

which is Cafe Rio, telling you things like, I know it's where we began. Right, I'm getting spam calls from my boss. Well, you're calling them spam calls. Yeah, you know it's your boss. Well, spam calls are unwanted calls, right? That is technically true. Yes. So I'm getting spammed by him.

Where are you? You were supposed to open up today. Why did you leave so early? You were supposed to close. It sounds like you're hardly ever at work. I have to tell you. It's amazing that you still have a boss at all. I agree.

No, I work. I do work. I work there. How long have you worked at this job? How long have they employed you? Almost a year. They have put employed you? Almost a year. They have put up with this for a year. I'm coming up on a year.

Sorry, I don't mean to take their side. I'm coming up on a year. You're coming up on a year. Have you received these spam calls the entire year? Yes. Yes. I find that so hard to believe. Well, they are starved for employees at Cafe Rio.

And when I'm there, I kill it. What does that mean exactly? Could you tell me what kill it means? I guess, is this what it is, Trevor? You're not there a lot. But when you are there, you're an extremely good employee. Yes, I'm very, very good. I know sweet, sweet carnitas, hot, hot peppers, cold, cold rice. You know the menu.

I know all of it. Now that rice, that rice is too cold. It's freezing. It's freezing because sometimes it is frozen. And I feel like you could chip a tooth on it. And much as Doug should know better when you hear sweet, sweet carnitas, I should know better when I hear cold, cold rice. Why would anyone want that?

I don't know. It's been on the menu forever. It's the mixing of the heats, you know, which is like a lot like my most recent TikTok, unfortunately. Oh, no. What was that one? I feel like they've all been the most recent. I know how it ends. Yes, you do.

So do I. We gave this guy some hot sauce to try, but instead it was freezing cold. Gas. Mmm. Woo! Woo! Woo!

Ooh! Ooh! Well, the robot voice really had great timing because it really waited a beat until it said gas. It did. You can put dot, dot, dots in the robot nose. Oh, is that how you do it? Wow.

It was a real great delivery, I have to tell you. It got me. So how many times would you say that you've drunk gasoline i mean you tell me look at the look at my face nope nope my does it look like i've drank a lot of gasoline my complexion on the one side it does yeah because, from one side. Because I was, you know, I was an explosion as a child. We forgot. Oh, wow. So maybe this goes way back.

I did forget you said that. You're right. You're right. Yeah, so I forgot that too. Did these start, when did you start this TikTok account? Did this start when you started work at Cafe Rio? Was your first? Yes, I would steal hot

sauces and I would do reviews and I would get spam calls. Where's the hot sauce at, Trevor? Why is it all gone? Are you using them and filming them and tasting them? So they do

exactly what you were doing. My boss is smart. Well, because he was putting it on TikTok. Yes, I was putting it on TikTok and I was sharing it via the Cafe Rio account. Well, that's not very smart. If you don't want to get caught. Well, I had the...

Cafe Rio has almost 1,500 followers. And so I needed to blast out to get that. You know, what's funny about Cafe Rio is that they are constantly looking for new employees. They have that help want to sign in the window all the time. Starving. It's what he said. They're starving for employers. Trevor, any insight?

Why is it that Cafe Rio can't hold on to employees? I mean, it's real tough, you know. I think just sort of like serving burrito bowls all day can get monotonous. Big, big burrito bowl. It's the big, big burrito bowl. It's heavy. It's unwieldy. It's wet um and i think i think the loud music uh they play in there music

is extremely loud so so loud it's so loud yeah they have um live music uh fully amplified live music in the dining area yeah and that's and they're playing music over the PA. Yes. There's competing music is a lot of the big problem. There's a battle of the bands in there where they all play simultaneously. Which that is not how it's supposed to work, by the way.

You're supposed to get a little time and then go off. You need a chance to decide. But it is a battle royale of the bands. So I think that's probably it. So the rules might be different. Yeah. And I think generally the wage.

Oh. Generally the wage. Doesn't pay very well? No. If you don't mind us asking. Well, it's three dollars an hour plus tips so but but it's a it's not really a service job so it's hard to get those tips you can open the door for people on their way out and stuff trevor here's my question that that's that's what

you're getting paid do you think it's possible that you're getting paid not a lot because you're Do you think it's possible that you're getting paid not a lot because you're, frankly, not there quite often? That could be why your wage is so low. Well, my wage did start out at $15 an hour, and it has gotten worse and worse and worse over the year. But I am receiving some income via my TikTok. So I don't really mind. Oh, okay. So you're TikTok. Okay.

I'm a little confused, I guess, because you said you had half a million followers. Then it seemed like that was a prank and it made you throw up. And now you're saying you're receiving income from TikTok. So I don't know. Do you truly have half a million followers? Or was there a recent video where you were told that you were receiving income from TikTok. So I don't know. Do you truly have half a million followers? Or was there a recent video

where you were told that you were receiving income and then it turns out you weren't? Oh, that's a great catch, Joan. Yes, there was a recent video. Just play us a video, Trevor. We told this guy he was receiving income from his TikTok and that it had half a million followers. So then we gave him what he thought was athletic greens. But turns out it was, in fact, 93 gasoline. So that's a complicated one

That one is very complicated Can I tell you, Trev, I'm a little lost I don't know what athletic greens are Me neither And I feel real silly for that. It's just something we should know. Athletic greens is a pre and probiotic morning supplement that a lot of times is both pre and probiotic. I've never heard the term prebiotic before.

Oh, it is a thing. What does that mean? Isn't that wild? It's both pre and pro. Well, usually not at the same time, but yes. Yeah. Is it also postbiotic? It's pre, po, and post.

Yeah. And sub. It's a subbiotic. So it takes away bacteria from your stomach. It does a lot of things. It pushes and pulls bacteria around. So, Athletic Greens, you're saying, was that just a gen... I'm sorry, what was that?

It pushes and pulls bacteria around. It's a real like, it's it's flirts with the bacteria, but then it's like, I'm actually, uh, uh, incapable of a relationship right now. Oh, it's a real will they, will they, won't they in your gut? Yes. And yeah. And then it's like, oh, I'm, I'm an anxious avoidant attachment style. Like, is that...

Wow. Okay, right. When you say Athletic Greens, that was generic for just like a mixture you could take in the world. Well, Athletic Greens was the sponsor of that video. And then I think... Oh, wow.

It's a brand that is sometimes like promoted on YouTube and TikTok andok and stuff okay uh so so you thought you were drinking that but instead you were drinking did you say 93 what does that mean so that's like the level of gasoline. So there's like the most expensive one at the pump. It's 93. And it would be 91. You do. Certain Chevrons have 93.

And did I explain to you guys... Did I explain to you guys how you could cut off somebody location wise? Yes, you did. You sure did. You sure did. You sure did. You did.

Okay. Rest assured, that is what they can care about. Okay. So, but they hand me cash, these people who record these videos of me. I think they have the popular channel. The people who record the videos of you? Yes.

What do you mean? I think I'm being pranked all the time by these people and they hand me cash um so but i i i don't know if it's technically my tiktok oh no wow we've come to you for the real line yeah do you recall doing anything in terms of like pressing record, uploading, anything like that? No. Yeah. I would say, yeah, this is just a prank TikTok that you're on. People have slowly started, they handed me hot sauce first, and then they slowly sort of like started adding things and kind of making it crazier because it was needed to be funnier, I think. Wow.

That's why I'm like really scared of giving out my phone number. I mean, because I've ended up at divorce proceedings. I've ended up. I'll explain to you how. Yeah, please. Please do. I'll explain to you how you please please do so I get somebody came up to me and said can I use your phone and I said only if I can hold it and they got on the phone and they were screaming like hey I'm sorry I'm late to the divorce proceeding I'm on my way you know that scene

in um succession where he's on the phone I mean I don't know how many of our listeners listen to Succession it's a real it's a real it feels very niche but I know what you're talking about yes so

and I ended up going with them to the divorce proceedings because I didn't want to end the phone call and they were like I'm almost there I'm almost there

so you're you're in a car now with this person holding the phone call and they were like i'm almost there i'm almost there so you so you're you're in a car now with this person holding the phone as they are saying i'm almost there i'm almost there and they kept kept giving me the sort of like one second just a little bit longer so i went with them because i don't want to be rude and i was um they actually put me on the stand. Really? That's wild. Or did they really? Again, though, this is You Can't Believe Anything burnt. Did they really put him on the stand?

Was it really a courtroom or was it all fake? I mean, the video did recently come out. I can play it for you guys if you want. Yeah, please, please. This man thinks he is about to go on the stand at these divorce proceedings. But instead, we are going to give him the hottest hot sauce you've ever seen for him to try. Mmm. This kind of tastes not quite like hot sauce. It was actually gasoline.

Whoa! All right. Ha, ha, ha! I had a... Ooh! I had a. Ah! All right. Ha ha ha! I had a, I had a, I had a, I had a, ah! I just think it's so crazy, Trevor,

that in the middle of a diverse proceeding, there's not one part of your brain that questions being handed hot sauce, especially after all that you've been through. I mean, even the robot voice is in on the joke now. She's laughing at you. Do you? And,

Do you love hot sauce so much that it is worth this misery that you're experiencing? I am obsessed with sauce. I love hot sauce. I grew up in New Mexico. I love green chilies. I really just want to take a sip, sip of that hot, hot sauce. And I never end up getting it. And I've been drinking gasoline for like the past

year. You know what Trevor, I'm going to give you some advice. I feel like in your head the rule that you have of I'm going to hold the phone. You seem to think that's protection of any kind. And you know what? It's not helping. But you'd be better off

if someone ran away with that phone. That's right. Right. Can I suggest this, Trev? Yes. If you would just, next time someone hands you some hot sauce, why don't you take a little sniff first?

Sniff. You would immediately know. In fact, I'm shocked that it doesn't get as close to your mouth as it does. Because normally you can smell that a mile away. Literally. Right. Yes.

And I always, I'm like, why is there sort of a visible haze above this hot sauce that kind of like messes with your vision? How come some spilled out and there's a rainbow on the ground? Exactly. So, I agree with you.

Yeah. I'm glad you agree with us. We didn't even get into the Illuminati aspect of the phone call. That is true. Well, I should clarify that when I said I know, he said, can I

call, try his mom? And he says, I know you're so-and-so and you're married to so-and-so and you're a member of the Illuminati. That sentence was actually I know you're a member of the Illuminati. That sentence was actually, I know you're a motherfucker and you're married to his dad and you're a member of the Illuminati. So he was talking to. All that you needed to clarify just now was to get the word motherfucker in. I'll tell you, I didn't really clarify anything.

Sure didn't. Sure didn't. It was him talking to his mom is all I was saying. Oh, he was not talking to you. He was not saying that to you. He was talking to his mom and saying, I know you're a motherfucker. you. He was talking to his mom and saying, I know you're a motherfucker. Wait, Trev, Trev,

I'm so confused. Tell me if this sounds like too much gasoline. That's for sure. I had some reason I was saying that. I can't remember why, though. I'm not sure it matters. You know what, John? Absolutely right. Bert, what were you going to ask?

It doesn't matter. Okay. I think, you know what what were you going to ask? It doesn't matter. Okay. I think, you know what? Yeah, you're right. It doesn't matter. I think this is a good place. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you do need to stop. Yes, you need to stop drinking gasoline. I think you were going to say that. Yes, I know. I mean, I am in the new jackass movie, Drinking Gasoline, that comes out in October. I think it's those guys that keep doing this to me. So they're tired after all these years.

They're middle-aged now, and they're tired of doing all these things themselves. So they're doing it to you now. I really hope that that was the actual Jackass crew and not some knockoff Jackass crew that had to do a bunch of things. I hope so, too. I really do. I'm going to say that I hope that for you. I'm going to be obsessed I hope that for you. Because I would be obsessed with being in that movie.

Maybe you could use your TikTok account as a reel to send to them. Yes, that could be my character reel. Sort of like drinking gas in a bunch of different locations. That could be good. Yeah, like a FedEx.

But Joan, I think we're getting him back into the gas drinking, which is... Yeah, you're right. You know, I always, it's my instinct to help. And actually, I do want to just, I'll circle back to me just saying, I think in the end, when someone wants to use your phone, you just politely say no and you move on. What's that? You have some hot sauce for me to drink.

Oh, no. Oh, somebody's here. What's happening? They're offering me hot sauce. Now, is it hot? Is it that hot, hot sauce? Because I am from New Mexico. Oh, no. Oh, somebody's here. They're offering me hot sauce. Is it that hot hot sauce? Because I am from New Mexico. Oh, no, I don't think you should do this. Okay. All right. So I just

squeeze this little handle here with the tube on it. It's just clearly it's a gas nozzle. Just straight from the tap. Could you flip up? Could you put in your credit card And flip up the little thing Now he knows

Are the twins doing this He seems What's happening Wait No Oh Damn That's gas

Oh Shit that's gas. Shit, I got again, yo. Was somebody filming? Oh, yeah. You got it on cam? He's excited because he got filmed. I guess it's okay.

Oh, cash for me? Thank you. One, cash for me? Thank you. One, two. Awesome. Two dollars. Oh, Trevor. Well, I mean, I don't know what to say, Joan, because he seems happy. Same time tomorrow?

Absolutely. No, no. Hold on a second. Trevor, just do me a favor and go home. And I would just honestly, I would just try to not interact with people for a little while. I'm very worried about you.

I'm glad you're happy, but there's other ways to make money than drinking gasoline. You could spend more time at work, perhaps. You sure could. And I'm surprised they're still employing you. So go back to that job. I can't listen to those bands. I cannot listen to those bands. It I cannot. It's about the bands. I can't blame you there. Okay. Well, Trevor, thank you. What an experience. Trevor, if you could say anything to these people that are forcing you to drink gasoline, what would you say?

Please stop. Please stop doing this. I love the attention. I really, I'm obsessed with being on TV, but you have to stop. I am very, very sick. And I'm afraid I was an explosion as a child. I'm afraid I'm going to be an explosion as an adult. Oh boy, we don't want that.

Without this gasoline I've been drinking. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't want that. We don't want that. All right, so if you see Trevor, please, please, please don't approach him. Without this gasoline, I've been drinking. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't want that. We don't want that. All right, so if you see Trevor, please, please, please don't approach him.

Don't ask him for anything. Let's just help him. Don't offer him anything. Don't offer him anything. Don't ask him for his phone. Don't, certainly not hot sauce. Yes.

Just stay away. I would go to the store. I would buy a lot of hot sauce. Sure. Absolutely. Have other people check it. Have people smell it before you buy it and then go home and eat it.

Okay. Okay. That's what I want you to do. That's your assignment. Also try putting it on other food. Oh, not just taking a sip-sip of that sweet, sweet hot? Like as intended. Put it on some food. It's enjoyable. Okay, okay, yeah.

That makes more sense. That makes more sense. All the best to you, Trevor. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. Bye, friend. Bye. My man, Doug.

I will see you around town. Oh, you will. We'll have more when the Neighborhood Listen returns after this. Hi, this is Lori. I have a life-size teddy bear for $20. It's five feet tall. If I'm being honest, you can just come get him for free. He's just taking up so much space.

Here's a picture of him on my bed. As you can see, he's huge. You know, I thought I wasn't going to get burned this time. I thought this was a new kind of relationship that wasn't going to let me down. Turns out, you know, like all the others, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't have a bank account. So, yeah, fool me once, you know what I'm saying? So please just come get this bear and let him disappoint someone else. I can't even look at him anymore.

And we're back on The Neighborhood Listen. Boy, Joan, I don't know about that Trevor. It was wild. He's outlawed for this world. That was wild. He's out loud for this world. That was wild. Yeah. He's going to die. I don't think so.

But I am surprised at how long he's lasted. How long he has survived. Maybe he's just got one of those cast iron constitutions. He's able to drink a lot of gasoline. A lot of gasoline. You know, one of those that we've heard tell of. Babe, are you all right? I just, sorry.

Oh, sorry. We were going to talk about this, but I am concerned about his ankle. Yes, we'll check in on Doug's ankle. Oh. Are you okay? I don't know. I can't feel it anymore.

He seems to have forgotten about it. I absolutely seem to have forgotten about it. No. Is that bad or is that good? I wouldn't say that's a good sign. It's probably not good. Let's just, let's get through the last section

and I'll come upstairs and I'll take a look at it. Good Lord. Can I also say, I didn't think that Trevor's characters were very good. Oh, thank you let's get through the last section and I'll come upstairs and I'll take a look at it. Good Lord. Can I also say, I didn't think that Trevor's characters were very good. Oh, thank you. I felt so bad,

but they really just, I mean, do more writing. You kind of make an effort and it was just the same thing over and over again. It's not my wheelhouse. It's not my world, but it just seemed to me that,

you know, it needs to be a little, you can't have two characters that work in, uh, uh, you know, uh, service jobs. Uh, and they're both saying the same thing. Which, by the way, I don't think they say that at either one of those places.

I'm not sure they do. And that Christopher Walken had said was pitchy, as you say. Absolutely. Randy Jackson himself would say. Real pitchy. Real pitchy dog. Okay. So I have a post which, like I said, I mean, we were talking about this earlier.

I thought this was going to be something else. But after what we just heard from Trevor, I'm not sure it's going to make a dent. But this is still something else. This is a post from Joni. And this is for our listeners. You'll see because we post everything that we use. On our Instagram. Oh, sorry.

It's The Neighborhood Listen on Instagram. That's correct. So I'll just read it and then I'll describe the picture. Is this a home or something else? It looks like this property is either on Hayes Boulevard or Clinton Drive.

It is visible from Bush Street and other locations in Central Dignity Falls. We are intrigued and figured someone on this platform would have info about it. Sorry if this topic has already been on here. It looks to us like some sort of naval jet, but we'd like to know more about it. Bernd, when I tell you, this is a picture of a full house with a balcony, and there is an actual jet just parked there. But it looks like it crash landed

there. It is not parked. It's at an angle. Do you know what it looks like, Joan? It looks like it's about to crash land there. Yes, it looks like it's about. It looks like we're seeing it right before. Right before the fiery explosion. Now, I'm trying to get a sense of the size of that jet. I know. Because it looks like it's a little jet, doesn't it? It does, although the house, the structure looks massive. The house is incredible, although this balcony also looks kind of like a hangar. Does the house look massive? Because there's a jet in there.

I mean, I guess you put a jet anywhere, it makes something look big. You could put a good-sized jet, like a three-quarter scale jet in there. That's right. And it would make a place look massive. Does this jet make me look big? Now that's fun.

Isn't that a joke? I remember that old joke. Well, I don't remember that specific old joke. Does this jet make me look big? I should wait for Trevor. You know what? He could use some writers. So, okay.

So, and here on the left side, does it look like there's like a scaffolding or like a crane? Here's my thing. Is this a guy who's just really taken being into model planes as far as you possibly can? Because it looks, it looks, it doesn't look practical. I mean, it really does. But it also, it could be a model. But who would do this? What, what, what person is rich enough and bored enough that they decide to put a model?

Unless it's, you know, this is a jet. I mean, there are many rich, bored people here in Dignity Falls. There's a house not far from here on, I think it's on Grant Avenue. They have, a guy has a house similar to this. He's got a tank and a submarine. That's right. Gosh, how did I forget about that?

You're just so used to it. Yeah, you're just so used to it. Maybe that's just it. It's become so commonplace, you know? Maybe these are new neighbors, and that's why we've never seen this jet before. Or do you think that they saw the submarine and the tank, and this is a space race, so to speak? This is a Bezos- It could be, yeah.

It's a Bezos Branson situation. So it's like, oh, you got a tank. Guess what? I got a jet on my balcony. Well, you know, it could be like maybe it's one of those gated community things where everyone has to have the same stuff in front of their house. Yeah, the HOA. Exactly. A military vehicle.

I did see another house not far from where this is. And they had a Trojan horse. What? I think they have to. I think it's maybe in that little strip. This would just be exactly something rich people would do. Oh, rich people. Yes, you have to have sort of a vehicle of war.

So whether it's a Trojan horse. It could be a Trojan horse. Oh, I'm sure they thought they were so clever, didn't they? Do you think there's people in that Trojan horse? I wouldn't be surprised because, you know, they probably thought, oh, we're just going to someone, we could pay someone to sit

in that Trojan horse for a little while just to appease their ego. Well, do we know how long they actually were in there do you know how long it took who knows i mean i what how if you let's say you were a rich board person and you had a full-scale trojan horse uh on your balcony um and you you were paying people to sit inside it for a while how long would you have them sit in there before it would feel satisfying but again oh yes i mean fair enough not to answer your question how long until it's besides what that's that actually

goes back to my question which is how long were the original soldiers in there and maybe that's the amount that would be satisfied i don't think i mean okay the original i guess you have to be you have to make sure you're you're once you're, once you're within the vision of the fortress. Right. You got to already be in that horse, right? So I think that they probably took the most secluded route to get there. And then they were like, okay, while we're still behind these trees, get in, get in, get in, get in. And then they start pushing.

So you think they jumped in just at the last minute? Like they didn't start at their encampment getting the horse. It would be miserable for everyone. I guess they didn't think about no windows. The guy's pushing it. The guy's inside. I mean, it's terrible. So I think maybe they put a tarp over it and then they were like, all right. A whole lot

less obvious. Everybody walks single file behind the horse and then when we get it up to the gate, everybody get in real fast and then we'll knock to the gate, everybody get in real fast. And then we'll knock on the gate and then they bring it in. So they're not in there forever. What a concept. I mean, actually, you got into the horse.

But you got to hand it to them. But I understand your point because I guess if you start and you ride the whole way in there, it's like being in a van without seats. You know, it's like you can't do that for long. It's like you're in the trunk trying to get into the drive-in.

You know, you do that around You do that around the corner. You don't start out from home. So they wheeled the whole Trojan horse. They waited for maybe when there was a little, some sort of coverage. Yes. And then they just, they jumped in. Yeah. And then again, I never really thought about this.

And how big was it? You know, and that this fooled people? I guess I never really started to thought about it. And also who would want it? Right. Oh yeah, was it supposed to be a gift? It was supposed be yeah exactly yes that's right exactly and they're like oh sure i mean at that point maybe you're just you're so guilty uh because this thing is so bulky that you feel like okay we'll wait till they leave and we'll just chop it up into firewood yeah like some

terrible white elephant gift exactly exactly yes oh see doug likes that that makes him laugh a little giggle from doug he may be delirious he may be delirious from blood loss he's lost a lot Exactly. Yes. Oh, see, Doug likes that. That makes him laugh. A little giggle from Doug. He may be delirious. He may be delirious from blood loss. He's lost a lot of blood. I should get up there. Yeah.

The point is rich people. The point is rich people can have. Our bored rich people suck. The rich bored people suck. And they just have a plane hanging on their balcony. All right. Well, that does it for this episode of The Neighborhood Listen. If you would like to follow us on Instagram, we are The Neighborhood Listen on Instagram. And we do put our posts up there. So please do that. And if you'd like to send your own post, maybe post we've missed on The NeighborHap, if you'd like to send them to us, you can send them, you can email them to us at burntandjone at gmail.com. And we've said it before. We'll say it again.

We do not include, we do not care to read comment sections. So just posts, just posts would be fine. So if the post is not interesting, apart from the comment section, it's not interesting. Well said.

Well, that does it on behalf of Doug and myself and Joan pedestrian. We, why would people say on behalf of myself? I don't really know. See, it's happening again, Bert. You were talking, the outro was going great. And then I think you started listening to yourself.

I started listening to myself. And then you had those questions. Yeah. I'm fading fast. It's okay. We need to listen. I need to get something. You're going to give me something to sleep.

What'd you say, babe? I'm fading as well. He's also fading as well. He's white as a sheet. I'm like, yes. You've really got to take me something to sleep. What'd you say, babe? I'm fading as well. He's also fading as well, but he's white as a sheet. I'm not going to use. You've really got to take Doug to the hospital. I have to get up there. I'll get something for sleep. Let's all get some sleep, and we'll see you soon.

All right. Good night, everyone. And good night. The Neighborhood Listen is executive produced and hosted by me, Paul F. Tompkins. And me, Nicole Parker. Our producers are Brett Morris and Judith Cardboe. The show is engineered by Brett Morris, who also plays Doug. Thank you.