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What's up, folks?
Nick DiPaolo coming at you.
It's, uh...
Well, it's Saturday.
And, um... won't release this till probably Monday or Tuesday of next week.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Minneapolis.
Acme Comedy Club.
Where Monday and Tuesday nights I'm shooting my new one-hour DVD.
That I will proceed to shop around after that.
And, yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Great club.
Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.
And the guy that runs it is a genius, this guy Louis Lee.
You can go in there on a Monday night.
It will be like open mic night, and he has like 250 paying customers in there.
He grooms young local talent.
People get hooked on these young comics
and follow them,
and he just, he's had it down.
It's science, man.
He's just so good at it,
and I've played the place many times.
Killer room, low ceiling,
which is the key to a great comedy club.
It keeps the energy right in the comic's face
and in the audience and it's it's just uh some of these places you play are cabiners man
these improvs and funny bones and i appreciate they have them all over the country but
they build these new ones and i mean you could hit fungos in there and it's echoey and the sound
is horrendous i can't believe the people who do this don't know the first thing should be a low ceiling.
But yeah, Acme, tremendous club in Minneapolis.
And the people, I've played it five or six, seven times maybe.
I've never had to tell one audience member to behave
or to lower their voice or shut off a cell phone.
It's that Minneapolis polite they talk about.
And it's just run like a Swiss watch.
I'm so excited to shoot this hour
there it's just i mean they're they hang on every word they laugh at everything they're not
judgmental uh it's just an awesome club so i'm doing that monday and tuesday uh we're gonna
you know record uh one show on monday night two on uh saturday night i mean on Tuesday night, excuse me. And yeah, it's going to be awesome.
Been working on the hour.
I have to head tonight to Point Pleasant,
a club called Uncle Vinny's.
My final set before we shoot this in Minneapolis.
Just tightening it up.
But it's good.
This new hour is kind of,
it's very apolitical for me.
Again, you listen to me talk for an hour, you're going to know how I voted or whatever.
But it's really kind of apolitical.
Touching on all kinds of stuff.
The perverted creeps that have taken over the subway in New York already.
And talking about advice that guys give women.
and talking about advice that guys give women,
some college professor giving women advice at the University of Colorado on how to avoid rapists,
and just talking about social media,
girls meeting these creeps on the Internet,
and I talk about roadside memorials,
those things people put up along the roads that to me just seem really tacky.
I talk about nooses and suicide
i talk about my negative personality i talk about my caffeine problem i get into a lot of stuff
about me and the wife and uh what attracted me to her and her evil sense of humor which is as dark
as mine i talk about asshole bleaching uh vaginal rejuvenation uh the dangers of performing oral
sex on women um obesity versus starvation um the food network which i've become obsessed with and
some of the personalities how creepy i find them technology uh you know, Twitter, cell phones, how porn has been perfected because of the Internet, all kinds of shit.
And like I said, it's it's it's not very political and but it's still relevant.
And I love it. It's it's it's going to be killer. Can't wait to get there.
Been working on, you know, there's some material for probably a year and a half.
get there uh i've been working on a you know there's some material for probably a year and a half i'm just tired of it can't wait to get it out there i'm more than prepared to get it out there
before i forget let me get business out of the way this episode of the nick dippalo
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And Ting Mobile, it's the way to go baby so what the hell's going on like i told you headed to minneapolis and um
that is uh like i said my favorite club but uh I was kicking it around. I was thinking of some horror stories that happened to me.
People love to hear, like, road stories in my 25-plus years of doing this.
And got some doozies, you know.
Again, I get a pit in my stomach.
You think after doing this for this long about getting on a plane tomorrow.
And it's not the flying part that bothers me. It's all the other horseshit getting there on time and i get stressed
out i'm the most anal traveler you've ever seen so i'm the guy that gets it like an hour and a half
early and i just uh i don't know what it is man i just find it fucking so stressful i hate it
but um i've been doing it all these years you'd think i'd be used to it by now you
know so uh yeah as far as road stories go uh got a few for you my most memorable one here's one
i was doing the comedy cafe in milwaukee which is run by this likeoan biker guy, like a real rebel.
I love this guy, just a great guy.
Ran a tight ship.
The tightest run club I've ever worked at.
Would do three shows on a Saturday night, 7, 9, and 11.
They would all start exactly on time.
You know why he would stand there in between shows while the staff was cleaning up?
He'd stand.
He's got like a walking cane with like a gold handle on it.
He's got all this big bling all over his hands and all this jewelry.
And he would just like, you know, just not berate the staff, but, you know, browbeat them.
And they would turn that thing over in a matter of seconds.
But I think it was the second or third time I went back there.
First of all, he used to put you up in this creepy house across the street,
like a three-decker house that you would see in a shitty neighborhood.
This old, creepy...
I heard about it before I played it, but I'm like, what am I going to do?
That's what the guy insists on.
So I uh opening the
door and it looks like you know there's just like cobwebs and stuff and like three inches of dust on
everything and uh it was so creepy and um i'm not a diva i mean i lived in a fraternity it doesn't
get much grosser than that but um so i remember um in the in the it was kind of dirty, that the room and the bed was kind of,
so I slept in my clothes.
I remember I took my socks and shoes off,
but I left my jeans and a T-shirt on.
And I'm laying there.
All of a sudden I wake up in the middle of the night,
and I feel something crawling up my arm
so I turn the light on that was next to the bed and it's like a silverfish you know those things
with like a thousand legs it's not a worm it's not a caterpillar I don't know what the fuck it is
but it's kind of shiny was crawling up my left arm I fucking jumped out of bed I was like my
wife when she sees a mouse I almost shit pants. Fucking flinging the thing across the room.
It's like, it was actually close to, yeah, it was close to like 435 in the morning.
I get dressed and sit on the edge of the bed.
He was picking me up for radio at like 630.
The guy who ran the club that owned the club.
And so he beeps at like 630. I come out. I'm all dressed. I have my bags in my hand. club that owned the club. And so he beeps at like 6.30.
I come out.
I'm all dressed.
I have my bags in my hand.
I get in the car.
He's like, what are you fucking doing?
And I go, dude, I said, I can't stay there.
I told him about the silverfish and stuff.
And he was good about it.
He didn't argue.
He kind of snickered and brought me to a holiday inn.
And this is how the trip started.
So, you know, I did radio.
Then he brought me to, I insisted he bring me to a hotel.
He brought me to like a holiday inn in Milwaukee
and put me up there.
The next time I went back to that club,
something bad, this is like bad luck stuff.
I go back to that club because it was a
killer club it was sold out all three shows and like i said they ran like a swiss watch i go back
there i fly out of gladia i remember eating a tuna fish sandwich that i got at la guardia
then i got on the plane and i was still hungry and this is what I get for being a pig.
It was JetBlue, and they had chicken cordon bleu, which right away, the radar should go
up, chicken cordon bleu on a fucking plane.
So I eat that, too.
I get to the hotel, somebody picks me up at the airport, brings me to the hotel, holiday
in this time, same place.
I'm sitting there, and I'm watching TV.
I was watching a ball game, and all of a sudden, I start sweating profusely.
And my stomach starts making these weird fucking sounds.
And you know when you start to, you're like, oh, no, this can't be good.
You're in denial.
You just pretend.
And all of a sudden, I start shivering uncontrollably.
And I keep wiping my head, and I'm soaked.
I look like Robert Parrish from the Celtics playing a triple overtime game
in the 112 degrees in the old garden.
It's just gushing off me.
All of a sudden, man, I start to feel queasy and run to the bathroom.
I sit on the toilet.
And as I'm, you know, blowing it out my rear end, I start vomiting.
So now I'm shitting and puking at the same time.
It went from, you know, from zero to 60 in two seconds.
So I obviously have food poisoning and i'm just
flushing the toilet and my teeth are chattering i thought they were going to friggin break
i uh i try to go back to you know back into the uh the uh living room part of the suite or whatever
he put me up and i i you know put the tv back on and my teeth are just banging together and all of a sudden
again i just rushed to the back and start power gacking like i have never thrown up in my life
just blasting out of me so i don't know what it was and um it's either the cordon bleu on the jet
blue flight or the uh the tuna which is stupid to eat either one of those.
You know, I mean, don't ever buy something like that at an airport that has tuna in it.
You know, they put the date on it, May today, you know, which is horseshit.
Things probably be there for a week and a half.
And just power gacking and throwing up and teeth are chattering.
And just if you've ever had it, it's the worst thing, man.
It's worse than swallowing tobacco, which I done it gives you the same feeling though you turn white and sweaty and
just start puking but when you puke up the tobacco that's it i just have never been that sick in my
goddamn life and the room just smelled like puke and uh all night all night i'm going back and
forth i'm in my underwear it felt like it was 11 degrees in my room, which it wasn't.
And then I'd be sweating profusely.
It's fucking, I still don't know to this day who almost killed me.
But I stayed, the sun's coming up and I'm still puking.
I puked, oh, it was like 21 times.
Just puking.
I could see I was, it's the only time you look ripped, by the way.
I actually, you know, you see your stomach muscles?
I was just dying. And I'm supposed to do radio that morning. I call him on a cell and tell him. And he comes right over.
Like I said, he's Samoan Hawaiian. I can't remember. But he smelled the puke in the room.
He knew I wasn't just trying to get out of radio. And he said, I'm going to take care of you.
And I go, what are you talking about he
goes i got a remedy for this if you have food poisoning he goes out and he comes back and he
has uh bananas popsicles and applesauce and i'm like what the fuck he goes just trust me
he goes the bananas have pectin in them that'll stop your diarrhea the um uh the popsicles will
rehydrate you which i was i was totally dehydrated and i can't remember the applesauce has something
in it too that keeps you from puking but uh i ate uh i ate 24 popsicles i ate the whole box of
popsicles my teeth are purple and blue and shit and uh you know ate a couple
bananas and and and all the applesauce and sure enough i swear to god by by like noon one o'clock
i was feeling like 90 better it was just crazy how it worked it's something his mother used to
give him and this is this big biker guy you gotta see him he's got like a goatee like a scary
looking dude couldn't couldn't have been nicer about it um and ended up doing afternoon radio that day but i wrote a whole bit
on it if you guys have my earliest cds about food poisoning uh that's all true from that uh that
trip to milwaukee the comedy cafe he was uh i forget his name, man. I say Johnny something, but he was a scary dude.
This this comedian, John Bush, actually played that club.
I heard this the first time he played it.
And the owner called him in the back room like the first night he was there and pin him against the wall and pulled out a guy just kidding around saying, I heard you've been bad mouthing me or something.
I know Johnny Bush didn't find it funny at that point,
but, you know, kind of a fucking scary guy,
but loved the club, man.
And that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Well, not the worst.
I got a few chlamydia stories,
but that one sticks out and then i
remember uh what a couple years ago i'm doing helium in philly and um i'm walking to the club
was like a mile from the hotel walking to the club and i see like a con ed truck about a mile
down the road i'm like that looks like it's right in front of the comedy club it had the lights going
and shit and then i noticed as i was getting closer to the club, all the bars and restaurants, the power was out.
And something had exploded right in front of the club underground.
Whatever the equivalent of Con Ed is in Philly.
I don't think it was Con Ed.
They had the manhole open and something exploded down there.
So the Thursday night show, I go into the club.
It's pitch black.
The staff's walking around with candles.
So that show was canceled. So we sat there by candlelight and i drank four stoli on the rocks
in about i don't know 28 minutes just i felt like a kid uh you know had a snow day and i just got
fucking hammered and just wandered outside and started wandering by myself um because i didn't
really know the feature i started wandering all
around philly by myself into bars and i was drinking like a kid at his senior prom in high
school and uh which i you know i hadn't done for a long time i got fucking blinded and then i
remember at like 1 30 in the morning i'm sitting there going oh i'm the oldest guy in this bar
i'm that creepy fucking guy i'm looking at the waitresses and shit
and nobody's talking to me.
It was the fucking saddest realization.
Oh, so I'm like, I gotta get out of here.
I wanted to back out on the street.
I couldn't find my goddamn hotel.
I'm walking around Philly.
You don't want to be lost in Philly.
You don't want to be lost at noontime in Philly.
Nevermind after midnight.
And I'm too proud to
ask anybody for directions and i'm getting more and more fucking lost i couldn't even remember
the name of the friggin hotel for like five minutes and uh just wandering around and i
remember a limo pulled up and it was um a prom and this this heavyset black girl gets on she
looked beautiful she had her hair up and she
had this beautiful gown on and uh i come around the corner and i see her she's walking down the
sidewalk and i go you look you look absolutely gorgeous and i'm slurring like a and all of a
sudden her boyfriend like gets out of the limo which is like 50 feet he goes what'd you say
about girlfriend and i'm like nothing i just paid her a fucking compliment and uh you know i had to
cross the street that i was gonna get the shit kicked out of me, a whole limo full of guys.
And then I had to ask.
I finally, after being lost for about 25 minutes, I had to ask somebody how to get back to my hotel.
I had to look up on my cell phone the name of the hotel, which that didn't dawn on me for like an hour.
Oof. So, but it was like a it was like a day off a night off i still get paid i got hammered felt like shit for the
rest of the weekend sister brought some people in and friends and uh that's another horror story
when i uh first started comedy in boston i went to, I did a gig in Buffalo, a college way up in Buffalo.
Okay.
Did the college, hooked up with some broad, stayed up all night, drove the next day to Boston from Buffalo.
I can't remember how many fucking hours it was. But had been up all night was the point.
And my parents come to the show that night.
Forgot they were even coming.
Okay, you're so wrapped up in your own life when you're that young and having a blast.
And I'm just, I've been up for 24.
Had not a wink of sleep.
Shouldn't have been out in public.
And the guy before me is on stage.
I want to say DJ Hazard, some Boston guy.
But there was a guy heckling, Steve Trilling, that's who it was.
And the guy, it was this guy heckling, him and his wife,
this big strapping guy with a mustache,
was like heckling Steve Trilling and just ruining the show.
And his wife was yelling shit out.
So then they introduced me.
I go on.
The guy starts doing the same to me.
I'm like, dude, just shut the fuck up. I bum a cigarette. This is when you could smoke in a club. was yelling shit out so then they introduced me i go on the guy starts doing the same to me i'm
like dude just shut the fuck up i i bum a cigarette this is when you could smoke in a club some guy
hands me like a camel unfiltered and i'm not like a huge smoker i'm like i'm a social i i i take a
drag off and it was like somebody shot heroin into me i just got so lightheaded and shit it almost
felt like the food poisoning and i uh and um, and, um, I'm just, my ears
are whistling. I thought I was going to like faint. And then a guy starts yelling more shit out.
I go, fuck you. And then he stands up and my parents, my parents are there with friends,
mind you. And I don't even, I forget completely. I'm so wrapped up in this guy and his asshole wife.
And then I ended up calling the wife, like the-word or some shit and it just turned everybody you know sour and and it was just a horrible my
cousin eric was there and he tried to try to fight the guy what a horror show and then i get back to
my uh get back to my apartment i was living in boston at the time and there's a message from my
old man like scolding me he goes what are you thinking you can't this is this is how funny is my father goes you can't
call a woman that you're not big enough in the business yet i don't know if he was trying to be
funny i don't think he was trying to be funny but uh how funny is that like you know i became huge
but i i just i woke up that next morning going what did I do last night and you know my parents
had their friends there this couple that I've known for years just they couldn't believe that
they came out of my mouth and fucking her they didn't come to see me my parents for I think
another six or seven years and I can't blame them uh I remember reading an interview somebody was
doing and they called my parents house to ask about me about my career and stuff and uh i remember my parents for like 10 interviews in a row would always go we
don't my dad's like i don't care what the language he uses and uh it kept him away from my show for
like six or seven years i hate it when people come that you know anyways because you're up there
you're spilling your guts you know you're showing all your warts and sometimes it's stuff uh about
your family or you know whatever it's uh it warts and sometimes it's stuff uh about your family or you
know whatever it's uh it can be embarrassing on the following thanksgiving but that was uh that
was stitches in boston and it was it was just uh horrible and then uh hilarities in cleveland
which was a great club uh run by this this guy Nick. He was an old school Brooklyn guy and a nice guy,
but a real hands-on guy.
He would, you know, pick you up to do radio in the morning,
but he would come into the station and sit in while you were doing radio,
making sure you were, you know, like being funny and stuff.
I remember him picking me up and going,
hey, you seem kind of grumpy this morning.
I go, yeah, I'm a fucking comedian.
I put my last drink down about an hour and a half ago, Nick.
You know?
Jesus Christ.
It's like me waking him up.
You know, we go to bed at three in the morning
and we sleep till noon.
So, you know, it's like waking somebody up
that goes to bed at 11 at night
to get up at seven in the morning,
waking you up at two in the morning
and go, be funny, be quick, be mentally sharp.
I hate the whole morning fucking radio.
Every comic does.
It makes no goddamn sense, okay?
We're night creatures to begin with.
But anyway, so he would come in
and watch you do radio
and just like browbeat you.
He was a real hands-on guy.
But I liked him.
He was an old-schooled guinea.
And anyways,
the first night at the club
at Hilarity's, the the new club which he built and it
was gorgeous um i'm up there and again there's a there's a group in the middle of like 25 people
at one party which is a big mistake to do a comedy because but they have to make money i understand
and this lady drunk lady is yelling shit out and i'm trying to ignore her. And finally, I give her a couple of zingers, you know, you know, stuff you'd say at a roast.
Not too pretty.
And long story short, it turns out that table of people, the guy, the guy that owned the club, his partner, who went in and gave him half the money to open his club, was sitting at that table.
And that was his wife that I was saying horrendous shit to so they
wanted the they uh he he nick the owner felt he had to refund them i'm like what's the big deal
if the guy's your partner or whatever i i don't know but anyways he called us in the kitchen
and the whole staff he called in the bouncers and stuff the bouncers when the club was brand
new they came in too early they made it look worse than it was i was handling the woman but they stepped in jumped in too quick then
it looked like a you know it disrupted everything and anyways he's chewing out the staff he's
chewing me out he's looking me in the eye saying how he had to refund the the the the whatever it
was the twelve hundred dollars they spent or whatever again i don't see the big deal of the if it was his partner or somebody best friends i can't remember but it was just humiliating i'm in
the kitchen with the staff and he's yelling and every time he raises his voice he's looking right
at me and then he chewed me out and um and i haven't been back since. And it was a nice club.
They had like a room dedicated to Frank Sinatra, a piano room.
That was hilarities in Cleveland.
Very embarrassing.
And then the rest of the weekend was uncomfortable.
I wasn't myself.
I wasn't cutting loose, you know. And oof.
Took a beating.
Hilarities in Cleveland. Good club good club big club guy would pack it out
um another i played an improv in cleveland and they used to put you up at a comedy condo
right when you first started out they wouldn't give you a hotel they'd stay at a condo they
saved money that way but But I remember getting there.
And Bobby Slayton apparently had played the club the weekend before I did.
I go into the kitchen after I unpack and shit.
And there's a fridge in there.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
I'm looking for food.
Like I'm going to find, you know, Joe Rogan left some yogurt in there or something.
I don't know what i was thinking
i opened the freezer and there's a hustler centifold open in the freezer like this ugly
broad playing with herself with a note from bobby slayton ah depalo i thought you'd like this
in the freezer the fucking i was afraid to touch anything in the fridge for the rest of the week and there was no uh there was um there was no uh the cable was out there was no uh had no porn usually uh comics
leave some uh you know porn back in the day you could watch a vhs there was nothing it was just
like three channels on on the tv i remember and the i had no porn and that's frightened you in
your comic when you uh first check in how am i gonna go five days without any porn and the I had no porn and that's frightened you in your comic when you first check in how am I
gonna go five days without any porn and the only thing I could find this is true it's a true story
I'm not proud of it don't judge me on it I'm telling you about it only thing I could find
was a life magazine and also an old life celebrating the uh it was the 50 greatest photos in the history
of life magazine so i ended up uh jerking off to the uh remember the picture of the girl running
down the street naked in vietnam again don't judge me i can hear the moaning right now uh i
it's all i had um i brought that story up when me and my wife were arguing who's hornier, men or women.
And she hadn't said a word after that.
But that's all I could find.
People are like, that's horrible.
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
We had a lot in common.
She was naked.
I was naked.
She's in Vietnam.
I was in Cleveland.
Pretty similar.
And yeah, that's a low point, I think, on the road for me.
But to open a freezer and find that thing there's slate left in there what a fucking one of the funniest guys alive by the way
uh naperville illinois i think was a funny bone i got laid four times in one week the best i ever
did didn't come close to it after that i don don't know what it was. I still look for pictures.
Well, I was about 30 years old.
That had something to do with it.
But some girl, I got my hair cut when I got to Naperville.
The hairdresser came in.
And she came into the show that night.
Ended up going back to her hair salon.
She had like a kitchenette.
She owned the hair salon
and performed oral on me
when I was sitting under one of those hair dryers.
You know, the ladies sit under those hair,
those old-fashioned hair dryers.
It's a true story.
It wasn't on.
I was just, I had it on, you know,
sitting under it to be funny.
And yeah, she had beer and booze in the,
you know, in her fridge,
in the kitchenette area,
which makes me believe that she might've done this before with a few fellas.
She's really cute.
I remember she's like a redhead.
And then a couple girls, two nights later, a couple other girls.
Like that was on a Wednesday.
A girl in the chronometer Thursday and a girl on Friday.
And with a waitress on the last night I remember
and surprise surprise I had chlamydia
about a week and a half later
prick was uh
Ralph Cifaretto said my prick was
leaking like a busted pipe
but um
that was a highlight
of my uh
road career my god
I remember going back and looking at pictures and shit right after that of my road career. My God.
I remember going back and looking at pictures and shit
right after that.
What was I wearing?
Was it the clone?
What was the shirt?
I could never duplicate
even coming close to that.
Must have been in shape or something.
I don't know what the fuck.
It's all luck.
You know, you hit the girls
and just drunk enough.
So, but that was funny
getting blown under a hair dryer.
Just beautiful. so but uh that was funny getting blown under a hair dryer just beautiful uh Tulsa Tulsa Oklahoma there's a club in Tulsa and it was right down the street from that uh
the religious university it was uh what is it what the hell's the name of the university I
don't know but it was it Bob's?
Something like that.
Bob's.
Sounds like a burger joint.
But it had, it was a Jerry Falwell deal, I think, right down the street in Tulsa.
But it had two giant praying hands, a statue, like 40 feet high in front of the school,
two hands praying.
And so I had to do morning radio the first day there.
And I made a joke i said um they should put a dick in one of those hands to let tourists know what they're gonna how they're
gonna be spending their five days in tulsa because there was nothing to do there and um
the guy doing the radio was laughing till i almost fell off his seat and the phones were
lighting up and stuff and then of course i get a call from the club saying people are irate because I forgot. It's, you know, it's right in the Bible belt there.
And they, you know, they were furious.
Phones are lighting up off the hook.
I thought they found me hilarious.
And people, but you know what?
They came out anyways.
The numbers are really good.
And the club guy, the owner didn't give me any grief.
So, yeah, it was pretty packed.
And I'm doing a show a couple nights later.
I think it was a Friday night for a show in Tulsa, same club.
And, again, hecklers, a guy and a lady yelling shit out, sitting together.
So I go.
And, again, they weren't just heckling me.
They were heckling the emcee.
And it just really, like, redneck, fucking scary.
And the guy starts with me about 10 minutes into my act and the and the woman he's with is yelling shit out you know so finally i go why don't you and your wife just get the fuck out of
here and he goes it ain't my wife it's my sister and i'm like well it's tulsa what's the difference
i don't even get the word difference out of my mouth he gets up they were sitting like in the
middle of the room starts running luckily the doorman who was watching all this shit and
his wife gets up and she goes down the other aisle and and so i see two doormen one on each side one
guy tackles the husband the other one tackles the wife and the doorman was like a big uh big
And the doorman was like a big, big, mean, like redneck type guy at the Tulsa club.
And he jumped in and had the husband by the waist. And the other guy had the wife.
And they're like kicking their feet and yelling shit.
And that scared me.
That one scared me.
But the bounce is laughing about it.
It happens all the time.
Well, why don't you do something about it?
You know, it shouldn't be happening all the time is the frigging point.
You got to, you know, you got to train the audience.
If a club, you know, been around for a few years, you got to let them know who's boss.
But holy moly, that'll get your blood pumping.
There's always fun.
Then I broke my hand and giggles. I can't wait did I break it I have I've
had two physical confrontations and both are clubs called giggles ironically one in Seattle and one
in Boston and uh I think it was Seattle I broke my hand again guy guy up front and his his girlfriend
kept yelling shit out I I flew out there.
So I'm on New York time.
It's like a second show started at like 1130.
So it's really 2.30 in the morning.
I've been up for about 21 hours.
And, you know, I'm a little cranky.
And he's drunk.
And I don't know.
We get into it.
He's sitting right in the front.
And I lean over, you know, like an inch from his.
And he puts his finger on my chest.
And I slap it away.
And next thing you know, I jump from his and he puts his finger on my chest i slap it away and next thing you know i jumped down on the table and uh just it's embarrassing when shit like that happens but
it was a hockey fight and the place is going crazy and uh they threw this kid out and his
girlfriend listen to this so i go back on stage people are chanting i I'm embarrassed. I have like guacamole on my pants. My fucking hand is all swollen.
And I start to go back into my act.
And I'm trying to tell the crowd, you shouldn't be excited about this.
This is not what this is about.
And I'm about 10 minutes back into my act.
The exit door swings open.
One of the side exits.
A kid comes back in.
He grabs a couple glasses off the tables and throws them at my head.
I duck and they smash behind.
It was like a country and western, you know, a brawl at a saloon.
And a bunch of kids at one of the tables, fans of mine,
chase this kid out of the club.
They chase him into the parking lot,
and apparently while they were chasing him he ran into i don't
know he ran into something and broke his like leg his fema or something and they were like trying
to beat him up with his broken leg and uh they put him in an ambulance he almost went into shock
and all this shit i mean just crazy and then it turns out like a few weeks later, he's on the air with a lawyer.
The cops came and were taking statements.
And everybody's on my side.
Everybody in the crowd saw what happened.
They're defending me.
He poked me in the chest.
I sloughed him across the face.
Did I forget that little?
And that's what triggered the whatever.
I didn't even make contact.
I poked him.
Yeah, I didn't even make really contact. But once we get going, I had a shirt over his head, but, um, but he had prior or whatever.
And, um, all the cops were laughing about it and stuff. And then he, then he was on the radio with
a lawyer trying to get, um, witnesses or something. And, um, that kind of scared me.
I thought he was going to, you know.
And then I started doing this web show.
This was years ago, this little web thing.
I don't know what you call it, blog TV, whatever the fuck.
And all of a sudden, I see this thing come up.
It says Northwest Madman, and it was him.
And he's like, good thing security broke that fight up, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, security, you're talking about the, you know the 4'11 guy that weighed 106 pounds that owned the club?
He's the one who broke up the fight?
But every time I did this chat show, he'd be in the chat room.
And then we started to, like, I started to, he liked the show.
And then we actually became like friends.
He sent me a picture.
He sent me a picture of him, and he had a little girl.
And he was like, actually, you know, a decent guy.
It was just the alcohol in both of us probably.
So we ended up like kind of being friends on the Internet.
And just fucking crazy, man.
Alcohol obviously is the problem.
But, yeah, that was giggles in Seattle.
And Atlanta was a good one come out of the uh
come out of the it was i think it was the improv in atlanta at a time wasn't even
it wasn't even the punch line yeah it was the improv and um yeah i'm walking to the cab
and this girl comes up really drunk and grabs my arm and goes, where are we going?
I had already waved on a cab.
I go, I'm going to my hotel.
And she gets in the cab with me, and I'm like, I told the cab driver, no, no, no, no, don't go yet.
I go, you can't, miss.
You know, you're drunk.
You don't know what you're doing.
She was like by herself.
I don't understand.
And really good looking, by the way.
And she goes, no, I'm going with you.
I don't know if she, to this day, I don't know if she was at the show or what uh you know she uh so she's in the
cab and uh i'm trying to get her out and she just refuses so i said to the cab driver fine
take me to the so-and-so hotel and on the way she's like i'm starving pull over at the 7-eleven
she goes to the 7-eleven comes out like bag a giant
bag of doritos and um what the hell else did she buy in there one of those like um
hard lemonades or something like that one of those drinks and she's eating that she's eating
the doritos like she hadn't eaten in three weeks she's she's in my room eating the doritos we're
watching like tv and she's drinking this hard lemonade,
which she didn't need at that point.
And then she excuses herself and goes into my bedroom and shuts the door.
She says she has to use the bathroom.
So I'm in there, and I'm watching TV.
I almost forget about her.
And then I hear like,
I open the door.
I stick my head in.
She's laying on my bed power gacking,
like nachos and fucking Mike's Hard Lemonade
or whatever the fuck she was drinking.
And there's, you know, salsa she had bought,
and salsa, there's like bell peppers all over the bedspread.
I'm like, what the fuck?
I pick her up, and now she's like belligerent. I'm fucking, I'm not going anywhere. I'm like, what the fuck? I pick her up and now she's like belligerent.
I'm fucking, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm staying here.
And I'm like, no, you're getting the fuck out of here.
And somebody called the cops next to me
because of all the noise that was going on.
The cops knock on my door.
And I tell them the whole story.
I'm like, she wouldn't fucking leave.
They talk her into leaving.
Okay?
Didn't even get laid.
Brought a girl back, and she puked all over my bed.
Okay?
A good-looking girl.
She fucking power gags, and the cops take her away.
Oh, how fucking embarrassing.
Yet I miss those days.
Isn't that hilarious?
Once you're married this long, you're like, actually,
oh, I miss having chlamydia every three weeks.
I had to go to a, I did have chlamydia,
and I had to go to one of those free clinics in Atlanta.
This was a different road trip years later,
and I had a steady girlfriend at home.
I wasn't a good boyfriend at all,
and I knew I had slept with her, and i know she didn't give it to me i had slept with some pig on the road and uh like found out uh so i yeah i went to a uh on a free clinic at
atlanta i used to tell the story on stage and i get there and it's me and 12 black guys sitting
on like aluminum chairs in the waiting room i look like rick patino coaching a
kentucky team or something and um yeah ended up uh you know getting the old swab eru and then
finding out a few days later that i had uh you know i had chlamydia and i'm like now i have to
call my steady girlfriend and tell her that i was like a jfk just staring at the phone and during
the cuban missile Crisis by himself,
scratching his chin, looking out the window.
It was horrifying, horrifying, the longest week of my life because I knew I blew that relationship.
That was like a long-term relationship.
I fucked that one up horribly.
But going to a free clinic in Atlanta,
they put on a videotape like in the waiting room,
telling you famous people that had the clap and shit.
It was like presidents uh philmore had the clap again and uh abe lincoln was known to but uh just fucking just crazy and like i said kind of miss it
um punchline sacramento i hope you're enjoying these otherwise you're gonna hate the podcast but
punchline sacramento bachelorette party i get there i'm in a really foul mood even for me
and it's a bachelorette probably because i'm playing sacramento for like the eighth time that
year it was right up this is when i was living in la it was a quick flight they paid good money
and uh yeah there's a bachelorette party
like 15 girls
and they sit them right up front
which the clubs always do
and just
they're ruining the feature acts
just not letting the guy talk
they're yelling shit out
blah blah blah
and I'm in no friggin' mood
and I'm on my way up
they don't even throw them out
somebody warned them a couple times
then I'm on my way up to the stage
and they're already yelling shit at me take off your shirt and i'm like girls you're not gonna fucking get away with that man
i'm not in the fucking mood shut up and this girl goes you're a fucking dick and i'm like well you're
a fucking you're a drunken whore i don't even get the word whore out she throws a beer at me
hits me in the cup of beer all over me so then i fucking lost my temper i went cuckoo and i mean i
went cuckoo i called
him everything i could in the freaking book shit that was coming out that was shocking me but i was
in the right i thought i was and all of a sudden some kid stands up in the back a table of guys
you can't talk to girls like that are you fucking defending these drunken whores you have to be out
of your fucking and i start fighting with them and now i get half the room against me and um and i just
refused to perform i just i stood up there and was taken on like every table and uh people started
to walk out and they were trying to get their money back uh they're filing out the room held
about 200 probably 220 or whatever and uh i'm up there with a mic trying to defend myself.
The manager runs up in the middle of all this,
thinking it's going to calm me down.
I swear to God, hands me a shot of tequila.
He goes, drink this.
And people are yelling.
I'm yelling out with a mic.
They're filing out.
And by the end of it, folks, I played to like 55 people stayed.
Apparently real DePaulo fans. And played to like 55 people stayed. Apparently real DePaulo fans.
And played to like 55 out of 220.
And there was a line out front for people for the second show,
lining up for tickets, and they were asking the people that were leaving
what happened in there.
So I played to those 55 people and acted like nothing happened.
It was frigging hilarious.
And apparently, it might not have been me or the bachelor party,
that Bobby Slayton, ironically enough, was there a couple months earlier
and ended up a full-scale brawl at the Punchline Sacramento.
He ended up punching an off-duty cop who he didn't know was a cop
and was charging at him during a fight.
He got into it with some young black kid who was wearing a hoodie or whatever.
And so Sacramento Punchline.
And it's a decent room, I got to be honest.
But some nights, man, it's just there's something in the air.
And usually it's the perfume with some fat chicks at a bachelorette party.
And yeah.
And that one was creepy too because um
it's funny i i sat in the back of the room where the second crowd was filing in for the second show
and i could hear them asking the wait staff what went on in here we heard the headline is crazy
and then you know and i heard the waiters and waitresses laughing and explaining what happened
with the bachelorette party and shit. But that got really ugly.
And then there was some guys waiting for me in a pickup truck, apparently after the show, that were defending those drunken pigs.
And so I had security had to bring me back to the hotel.
That was a little scary, got to admit.
Not my fault.
Just up there trying to tell jokes.
So those are some of the horrendous.
And I got more.
I guess I'll save them for later episodes.
But that's the beauty of this job, folks.
People like to hear the inside shit.
It's never boring.
You never know.
You don't like stories like that.
You don't like nights like that. You don't like nights like that.
You don't feel good about them,
but it's not always your fault.
You know?
People have,
I think the crowds have been a lot more,
I think they have been educated
over the years.
They've gotten better,
you know?
They realize.
But now we have to deal
with cell phones
and all that other whore shit.
But,
those are some of the whore stories.
And people always ask you,
what was your worst gig as far as on stage?
And I remember when I first started comedy,
I was in the business about two years,
which is still almost open mic level.
And I had a friend who played football
at the University of Maine.
He was a lot like a,
kind of like that incognito guy. I gotta be honest with you. He was a lot like a, kind of like that incognito guy,
I gotta be honest with you.
He was a scary fucking lineman.
Crazy.
Didn't wear a mouthpiece
and he was really like a great football player.
5'10", 270, all roided out.
Just a hardcore alcoholic
and just great when he wasn't drinking
but one of the scariest guys you want to be around.
And anyways, he knew somebody great when he wasn't drinking but one of the scariest guys you want to be around and um anyways
he knew somebody who ran the cape cod melody tent which is a beautiful it's a beautiful uh theater
outdoor theater with a tent over it it's a theater on the round the stage is round that it rotates
while you're on it and anyways he knew somebody who ran it, and he knew I did comedy. And Paul Anker was performing there and needed an opening act.
Folks, it couldn't have been a worse combination.
I'm only in the business a couple of years.
I'm still very raw.
Paul Anker is lily white clean.
He wrote that song, Having My Baby.
He wrote the Tonight Show theme.
People old enough, you know who he is.
Just lily white Vegas guy with, you know, just a spotless reputation.
And I don't know who lied on my behalf,
but he said yes to me opening.
He had no idea what he was getting into.
And I get there, I pull up and I'm looking around
and I, honest to God, I'm in the parking lot.
I see nobody under 75.
I am not exaggerating.
And I'm like, I am fucked.
I am in deep doo-doo.
And it was actually worse than I thought it was going to be.
I see, and I'm not making this, I see people taking, I see people with oxygen tanks, you know, walking towards the venue and shit.
And I'm just going, oh, my God, this is going to be horrendous.
And, of course, they read me the riot act before the show look
this is paul anchor these are his credits no uh no language no no cursing and i'm just like oh my god
but the money was great at that point you know i mean i was making you know fifty dollars a night
it's like an open mic i had no business being there go on stage and i am just dying the death of a thousand fucking cuts
i mean i'm talking you could hear like you could just just you could hear nothing when 20 2200 or
2500 people are quiet it's frighteningly quiet and i was and and i'm just, I'm not getting anything. And I was so nervous.
I take a drink of my water and his cup.
I put it behind me, but I didn't realize I put it on the part of the,
the rim of the outside of the stage.
It wasn't part of the stage that was rotating.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So I put it on a, you know, a permanent thing.
And I go to reach back, like, you know, a few minutes later for my water.
And it's like 180 degrees behind me because the stage is rotating.
So now I have cotton mouth and I have nothing to drink.
And I'm frigging bombing.
And then I just said, fuck it.
I did some joke about adult diapers and in eating
enough roughage and shitting yourself and that and they that blew them open for about five minutes
they found that funny you know i i i thought you know i don't want to make fun of old people
shitting their pants that's why i wasn't doing that stuff and so i just went into that and i
kind of i was winging for about five minutes and and that those are the only laughs i
got i had to do i don't know maybe i only had to do like 20 i think and um and 15 of it was silence
it was fuck and here's the thing i'm rotating on the stage i'm i'm burning like a piece of chicken
in a microwave everybody's watching me suck you just see these faces and you in the they're going by slowly
and then you'd see him again still not laughing it was horrible and apparently uh paul anka was a
little upset at my uh my language i just you know five minutes into it i started dropping the f-bombs
and you know the only laughs i get with shit jokes and it was holy moly but the money was good
and i went back to that same venue and opened for patty labelle and had two of the greatest
sets of my life she asked me but she came back to town twice had me back she had me into her
dressing room i murdered i was sitting up there my sister came to one of the shows i'm talking
to my sister g Gina after I had performed
and Patti LaBelle's
out there singing
and then Patti's talking
I'm not listening
I'm talking to my sister Gina
and a guy in front of us
goes hey
she wants you to come
down to the stage
and I'm like
what are you talking about
and sure enough
Patti goes
where's that good looking
Italian boy
that opened for me
Nick come on down here
and I went down on the stage
and she sang
while I stood on the stage
next to her piano player,
whatever the fuck. Okay. Patti LaBelle. She was the nicest woman I ever met in show business to
this day. She was the sweetest lady, had me and my sister into her dressing room. She was giving my
sister shrimp. They had all this food and she couldn't have been nicer. Just the sweetest and
so goddamn talented man and so good. And at the same place, you believe it?
They had me back to the Cape Cod.
It was, you know, it was a year later.
I opened for Paula Branigan there, too.
The late, great Paula Branigan.
Gloria!
Yeah, she's gone now.
And that was fun.
But Patti LaBelle tried to hook me up with her hot niece.
She had this niece who was just stunningly good-looking.
And she couldn't have been nicer.
So thank you, Patti LaBelle.
You're the balls.
So that's about it as far as comedy stories.
I'll save a few for later episodes.
I died the death of a thousand cuts
at the comedy store in Los Angeles
on a Saturday night,
went on up to Bobby Collins
and remind me to tell you about when I got fired from a club in San Leandro, California,
for smoking on stage.
And it was my birthday.
I'll get to that later.
So I'm looking forward to Minneapolis.
Can't wait to get there.
It's going to be great.
That's about it.
Remember, if you like your insurance you can keep it period
um anyways kids good to talk to you i will uh like i said this is saturday and um
um what is november 9th right now i believe. So I release this in a couple days.
And off to Minneapolis.
Can't wait to do it.
What else?
That's about it.
Sports wise.
I'm missing a bunch of college games right now.
And I don't care.
I had five right out of 15, I think, in the NFL in the pool,
and I can't predict that league.
The teams are interchangeable.
It almost defeats the purpose of having a league.
That's how much parity there is.
It's just typical of our society.
It's mediocrity.
It's just fucking bleh.
Meanwhile, my niece Jenna, who we used to bring up on the nick and arty show already used
to laugh because i would say yeah my niece won the pool again she won again last week with 11
wins she had 11 out of 15 and um and you know she did it they have a button you can hit in the pool
that picks random teams that's how she did it she hit the random button and picked it for her
so uh i just the nfl's turning me off, man,
but I will still continue to follow it
because I'm as dumb as everybody else out there.
That is about it, ladies and gentlemen.
Good to talk to you again, and...
Good night until we meet again.
Yes.
Adios.
Take care of yourselves.
I'll be his man. Until I talk to you next time, Until we meet again. Yes. Adios. Take care of yourselves.
Until I talk to you next time, go eat a sandwich.
Good night, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.