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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, my friends.
How are you? Nick DiPaolo back in the seat.
What's happening?
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
Me and the wife went to Louis C.K.'s.
He was gracious enough and stupid enough to have us in.
And it was a blast, man.
Louis is in the upper echelon of show business, as you know.
I've known him since, you know, since he didn't have hair on his pencil.
And, yeah, so now he's up there in the ranks of Hollywood.
So we went to, we drove into the city, me and the wife,
to Louie's place in the village.
And it was fun.
It was interesting.
A few people, Bobby Kelly was there,
the very funny Bobby Kelly with his wife and his kid Max,
who looks just like him.
By just like him, I mean he has three chins and, you know, and he's bald.
But it was great.
His wife, Dawn, was there and a lot of people.
First of all, me and the wife pull up in front of Louie's house in the village and we're there a little early.
I didn't know what to, you know, it's Thanksgiving.
I could hit whatever fucking parade traffic on the way in or the way
out i don't know so we get there a few minutes early i park across the street uh and uh we're
sitting there and um we're trying to decide which which uh you know brownstone or whatever you call
it is louie's and um because we can't see the numbers from across the street
and we see people walking down the sidewalk that we don't know.
And we're like, fuck.
We see them go past our car, go down about another 50 yards
and then start banging on one of the doors.
And, you know, we're like, oh, please, I hope that's not Louie's door.
We don't know those people.
Some older gentleman and a few other people are like,
oh, fuck, we don't know those.
I don't want to go in there.
Let's get out of here.
And me and the wife are like that, kind of antisocial.
Not antisocial, more shy, I would say.
I hate meeting new people.
I don't like small talk.
I'm not good at it.
I like to be around my comedian friends,
and that's about it.
Kids I went to high
school with um uh i it's much easier for me to talk to a a bunch of people you know on stage
two three hundred a time or 40 or 50 at a time more more like my numbers and uh it is it's easier
for me to talk to a group than to meet somebody and just i just suck at the small talk i just don't like it
i get very uncomfortable but anyways uh yeah so we waited a few minutes and watched more people
go in we didn't recognize and then i go in the house finally we go in and uh the first person
i run into in the kitchen i'm looking for louis is remember uh i think i think his character was omar in
scarface frank lopez's right right hand man you know who i'm talking about remember tony was
you know wanted to sell dope and omar was in the car bobbing up and down to music and he's like
okay you want to make some big fucking bucks? Tough guy.
Big.
We got a space cadet.
Fucking do the same thing.
50 bucks.
Omar.
F. Murray Abrams.
You know who I'm talking about.
He won an Academy Award for Amadeus.
Just a brilliant actor.
Remember?
Him meeting in the jungles with the, who was the fucking,
I can't remember the character's name.
It's Scarface.
But he says,
it's not something I want to do over and over.
It's his phone.
But I'll talk to Frank personally.
So yeah, F. Murray Abrams was there.
And who else?
Ellen Bernstein, an actress.
She was famous.
She played the mother of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. And she's done a lot of stuff. She's pretty famous. Older woman, still very pretty and couldn't have been nicer.
Philip Seymour Hoffman comes bobbing in.
That one really got me.
So there's three Oscar winners at one party.
It was pretty cool, huh?
Pretty goddamn cool.
And, you know, we're looking around Louie's house, and he's got like 19 Emmys, you know, on a display case.
And he's just too much, man.
And I'm going, I'm telling my wife, there's no way he's cooking i go this guy come on i i know this guy doesn't he doesn't do that shit
and uh but then again you know i knew him before he was married or had kids so uh we get in there
he's in the kitchen in a stained blue t-shirt and he's like basting a turkey that looks way too dark
shirt and he's like basting a turkey that looks way too dark it's a 30 pound bird and i'm like holy shit it's gonna be tries uh my aunt's ass and uh wrong it was delicious but louis he had
like 19 things going on the stove it was hilarious it just it's another another side of him man
that's what i love about this guy he He just throws himself into shit, you know?
And he's got 90 things going.
He's burning potatoes.
Doesn't give a shit.
But it was all delicious.
He actually did a great job.
And people bringing, you know, all kinds of crap.
And, yeah, it was kind of a weird Thanksgiving, you know?
Jimmy Norton was there.
Rick Crome.
All the people you'd see like on a Tuesday night at the Comedy Cellar were there.
So, and it was perfect.
My wife's like me.
She's not, she's kind of shy meeting new people.
So she just immediately ran into the kitchen and said to Louie,
let me take care of it and started bringing stuff and, know use it as an excuse not to socialize although when i came in she was uh talking to f
f murray abrams going um where have i seen you before and i hear him go well i'm kind of famous
you should know me she's like really and but she never she never guessed who he was and um you know it was funny she didn't sit down for two
seconds then she has a couple glasses of wine which my wife can't do because she can't drink
you know the enzyme that breaks down alcohol apparently we all have it men have twice as much
as women my wife doesn't have any of it i swear to god she has like one glass of wine you don't
even recognize her she becomes uh
i don't i don't like her but she has a wine in her let's put it that way if she was drinking the uh
the night that i met her we would have never got married let's put it that way but um it was pretty
good to see uh you know philip seymour hoffman i guess he was in the kitchen he had brought some
cornbread and asked my wife to put it in the oven
and uh and then he was like just like fucking obsessed over the cornbread and he kept asking
her all these what what temperature did you put it on uh shouldn't you take it out by now my wife's
like relax my wife's theory was that he was very high I don't know I didn't get to really talk to
him I just said hello and, you know.
But it was pretty goddamn funny with Norton telling his gross stories
and making us spit up a stuffing.
And Louie just barreling around the house in a dirty T-shirt.
It was just hilarious.
It was a lot of fun.
You know, beats hanging out with the family.
Let's put it that way.
I think my family is happy when I don't make it home.
And since I got married, I think I make maybe every other Thanksgiving I make it home.
And I don't think it really bothers the family.
I've got to be honest with you.
Because I'll be the guy at the table that starts bringing up politics and shitting on TV shows that my sisters think are funny.
And then it gets all fucking ugly.
You know?
Which I enjoy.
I'm like Rodney Dangerfield
creating hatred in the family.
You're not supposed to do that.
Bring up politics or anything.
But what the fuck else
are you going to talk about?
You know?
You're with your 80-year-old uncle.
What are we going to fucking talk about?
Beyonce's ass?
We did that on Easter.
And, um...
I got a sister who lives in Philly so it's not that far from New
York City so uh my parents were down there they were a little upset that uh I didn't make the
trek down maybe they weren't upset like I said maybe they're putting on a front they're probably
winking and laughing but um yeah Louie called us the last minute me and the wife were just
gonna sit home you know and uh yeah, so we had somewhere to go.
And it was pretty goddamn good.
Probably put on four pounds that day.
And I didn't watch any football, man.
I go to Louie, hey, what's up, man?
Where's the game?
You know, he goes upstairs.
He's got like four floors.
He owns the whole brownstone from front to back.
Go up into the media room and there's this, I don't know,
it was a Samsung screen.
I don't know.
It was about 16 feet by 30.
It was like being in a Lowe's theater.
And so I go, beautiful.
See the, you know, Detroit Lions, Packers.
And I watch a few minutes of that.
I go back downstairs helping Louie.
And then I run back up 10 minutes later,
and there's like seven kids in there watching a Disneyney movie and i said you sons of bitches who do you think
you are no i just uh shut the door and said enjoy yourselves kids and uh you know that was that so i
didn't get to see much of the uh much of the afternoon games i uh we'll get to that sports
in a few minutes i I picked, I had
the Detroit right, had that one right,
and then I lost the other two.
I took
the goddamn Cowboys giving points
to the almighty Raiders. Can you imagine?
You can't cover against the fucking Raiders.
And then
the Ravens couldn't cover. I took them
against the Steelers, so I was one for
three, but ended up getting 10 out of 15 right,
which is like the best week I've ever had.
Boy, do I suck.
I'm glad I don't gamble anymore.
The NFL, the parody is just fucking outrageous, isn't it?
Outrageous.
Did get to see, though, my Pats, you know,
do just enough to get by the Texans.
And, you know, they were down at like 10.
How do you explain that?
Down at 10 to the Texans who had already lost nine in a row.
I mean, the worst team in the league.
And the Pats are down by 10.
But you know damn well how it was going to end, you know?
You know damn well.
You see Belichick making the adjustments,
and I know there's a lot of you haters out there.
And let's get to that, okay?
Because the defensive end for the Texans, Antonio Smith,
was pissing and moaning after the game,
accusing the Pats of cheating again.
What a fucking immature society we live in.
And I'm not just talking about Antonio Smith.
I'm talking about a lot of my friends.
Oh, Belichick hasn't won one since Spygate.
You guys know anything about Spygate?
Did you read about it?
Okay.
All the coaches are saying they did nothing wrong.
So read up, will you?
It was about filming the other coaches on the sideline,
which everybody was allowed to do.
Then the league said, no, you can't do it from the sidelines anymore you have to do it from the stands or whatever and the pats didn't do that one week big effing deal so get off it okay
belichick's god and the son of god is jesus who is tom brady okay case fucking closed. Best combination ever.
That includes Chuck Nolan,
Lin Swan,
and Shula, Don Shula,
and Bob Greasy,
and I should say Chuck Nolan,
Terry Bradshaw.
So get off it.
I'm sick of hearing about this and um so he backed off his comments Antonio Smith said he said he said it in jest I don't know I don't think so and that's the problem
okay that's what what happens when you interview guys two minutes after a game is over okay their
emotions and their blood is running high and you're're going to say whatever the fuck you want.
You're angry and you're going to say it.
I don't think he was saying it just.
You know, he, I'm paraphrasing,
but he said they made adjustments
that there's no way they knew.
We threw new stuff at them
and they made adjustments
and there's no way, you know.
He's accusing the Pats of spying on them
in their own building,
which is fucking impossible.
But, uh, um,. But so, you know, it's kind of stupid.
But then he backed off today saying he actually said this.
It tickles me how much the country loves the Patriots so much.
They take everything so seriously, Smith said after the Texans walked through.
I wasn't angry or serious, and I didn't say that's why they beat it yeah you did yeah you did and
you sound like a real idiot but uh you know that's what happens if you you know i don't think the
patriots are gonna have to cheat to beat a team that had lost nine in a row and they're like two
and ten or whatever the fuck they are uh he says i said it but you have to check the manner in which i said it i didn't accuse them
of beating us with cheating come on don't you have a sense of humor yeah he did this exactly
though it may be something i was curious about i wasn't thinking they spied on us or they were
cheating half the stuff I say
is spontaneous and witty. Yeah, we'll decide that, okay? And I don't think anything else about it.
I'm sorry I said the word spying. I was joking and having fun with it. Maybe a little part of
them was having fun, but I don't think so. And as far as the country loving the Patriots,
who are they? Who's he shitting? More Patriots. The Patriots are like the Dallas Cowboys when I was a kid in the 70s.
They would just dominate every year.
They were like a machine.
And, you know, people call them America's team, but I don't know who the fuck they were
talking about.
Everybody I knew, at least on the East Coast, hated them.
And they were so good, they were boring, you know.
But Brady comes out, Belichick makes the adjustments,
and they just picked, you know, the Texans apart.
It's just, what can I say?
We talked about this last week.
It's a watered-down horseshit league.
Okay?
It's still fun to watch.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm going to watch it every week because I absolutely love football.
But as far as excitement, you can't even come close when comparing the NFL to college.
I think you've got to agree with me.
And everything this past weekend proved out, didn't it?
I mean, holy moly.
What games as far as college?
What games, huh?
Oh, and of course, you know what I'm talking about.
Well, you had, first you had Ohio State and Michigan.
That ended up, by the way, coming down to the last play of the game.
And here's the audio.
Audio's not that good, I admit, but this is the first game I watch.
...offense.
Three yards away from a tremendous game
116 000 people can you imagine nfl players would cut their wrists to play in front of that many
people on a sunday 116 000 strong at the big house in michigan comes down to the last play of the
game you gotta you gotta give to give Michigan's coach credit.
They could have kicked it and tied it up and went into that shitty overtime format that I don't like.
And no, they went for it. They went for the win. They were trying to ruin their blood rival Ohio
State season. Would have been beautiful. So they just threw a pass. The call was shitty. I mean,
you got to, in that situation, you got to have your quarterback roll out.
Okay?
That way you have some options.
Have him roll out to the wide side of the field, and then you get some options.
If nobody's open, he can tuck it and run.
All he did was take, like, a three-step drop and throw, like, to a fullback or a halfback,
somebody out of the backfield, did like a banana route on the goal line.
And it was the guy picked it off.
But it was very unimaginative in that situation.
I mean, come on.
You're going for the win there.
Do something crazy.
Even do a double reverse down there.
That's what Rhode Island did to beat us when I played up at Maine.
By the way, in the first overtime ever in the NCAA football history
with that new format from the 25-yard line, it was Maine versus Rhode Island.
My junior year up there.
And I went into like five overtimes.
It lasted forever.
It was before the rule.
After three, you have to go for it.
You know, we kept kicking field goals and whatever the fuck.
But they ran a double reverse down there on like the five-yard line to beat us
after playing for almost five hours.
And they didn't have to go for it, Rhode Island.
They could have kicked the field goal.
Anyways, I digress.
So Michigan, that was kind of a boring play call in my opinion.
You got to get, you know, you got to pull some tricks out of the bag down there.
If you remember a few years back, six, seven years back,
was it Boise State versus Oklahoma in a big bowl game?
They ended it on a Statue of Liberty play in like the third overtime,
and Boise State beat Oklahoma.
And so I was very disappointed with that call.
But so that was one of the exciting games, right?
And then I put on, I was going back and forth from Ohio State, Michigan, B.C., Syracuse.
That ended on the last play of the game. Syracuse scored a touchdown like six seconds left, I should say.
And that was tremendous. And then, of course, we all know about this one.
Well, I guess if this thing comes up short, he can field it and run it out.
All right, here we go.
56-yarder.
It's got – no, does not have the leg.
And Chris Davis takes it in the back of the end zone.
Watch it.
He'll run it out to the 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 45.
There goes Davis.
Oh, my gosh.
Davis is going to run it all the way back.
Auburn's going to win the football game.
Auburn's going to win the football game.
He ran the missed field goal back.
He ran it back 109 yards.
They're not going to keep him off the field tonight.
Holy cow.
Oh, my God.
Auburn wins.
Auburn has won the Iron Bowl. Auburn has won the Iron Bowl.
Auburn has won the Iron
Bowl in the most unbelievable
fashion you will ever see.
I cannot believe
it. 34-28.
And we thought a miracle that Jordan
Hare was amazing.
Oh my lord in heaven.
Chris Davis just read it.
109 yards, and Auburn is going to the championship game.
Holy moly.
It was, and I know it happened a few days ago,
and you've probably seen it a thousand times if you're a sports fan,
but you don't get tired of shit like that.
I mean, it's the Iron Bowl, Alabama-Auburn.urn doesn't matter when they you know the old saying throw out the records
that really is true with these two teams and uh alabama smoked them last year and um i mean this
game was be it surpassed the hype and that's saying something because it was being hyped
as the game of the year you had undefeatedated Alabama and Auburn with, what, one loss?
I mean, it surpassed the hype, which is fucking incredible.
I mean, unbelievable.
And people are second-guessing Saban now, which is easy to do.
But who's going to expect?
Come on.
Really?
You're going to expect somebody to return 109 yards?
Give me a break, will you?
But that's how hard it is to win three national titles in a row.
It's just, you know, and what is it with Auburn this year, huh?
What is it?
They have the magic touch, man.
It's just crazy what's going on down there.
Yeah, the week before,
had the game the week before.
I thought I had the clip here.
I can't find it.
They won on a Hail Mary,
which is just,
it was unbelievable against Georgia.
And so they now,
they're going to play Missouri
for the SEC championship.
And that is going to be a doozy because Missouri has been kicking ass all year.
And what do you do?
It brings up a whole other debate.
Where the fuck is that clip?
You can stick this program up your sister's wazoo, okay?
It fucking sounds like.
Anyways, yeah, so what do you do?
You got Florida State who's undefeated, Ohio State undefeated.
Do you let Ohio State, if they win the Big Ten Championship against Michigan State,
if they win that game, do you put them in the national championship?
Because they play kind of a soft schedule compared to the SEC teams.
That's the big argument.
Or do you put a one-loss team from the SEC in there?
That's the big debate.
And I know some of you people, I hope you like college football,
because I can't help myself this time of year.
But the thing is, the Big Ten, the Ohio State Buckeyes do not play the schedule that these SEC teams play.
So you can almost understand.
You can almost understand, you know, putting a one-loss team in there from the SEC instead of.
But then again, they haven't lost a game.
They didn't lose last year either, Ohio State.
They were undefeated, okay? So this will be this back-to-back undefeated seasons you almost feel like you owe it to them
i don't know it's a tough call you make the call auburn tigers this is who they play this year
they played uh arkansas state no biggie mississippi state not a better team lsu who's always tough
all miss is pretty damn tough western california, Texas A&M, very good this year.
Florida Atlantic, yeah, nothing to brag about there.
Arkansas, not great, but good.
And the teams like Arkansas, Tennessee, Georgia, I mean,
they played back-to-back-to-back in November.
And as opposed to Ohio State.
Ohio State, let's see.
They played San Diego State to open.
P-U.
That's what I say.
I say P-fucking-U.
California, P-U.
Florida A.M., P-fucking-U. Wisconsin, very good this year. Northwestern, P-U. Florida A-M, P-fucking-U.
Wisconsin, very good this year.
Northwestern, P-U.
Started out strong, went right in the toilet.
Iowa, very good this year.
Well, pretty good this year.
Penn State, okay, but nothing to brag on.
Purdue, P-U.
Illinois, P-U.
Indiana, P-U.
Those are all soft games, folks.
So they don't play the SEC schedule.
Alabama played Texas A&M this year.
Ole Miss, Arkansas, Tennessee, LSU, Mississippi State, Auburn.
Had a few easy ones in there.
Chattanooga, Georgia State, Colorado State.
So you see the debate?
Do you even give a shit?
I don't know.
Maybe you're all NFL fans.
But it doesn't get any more exciting, man.
It just doesn't get any more exciting than this past weekend.
I'm telling you, it happens all the time.
Just something about it.
And then I sit down and try to get excited
with the nfl schedule and watching the the lions and the packers and the packers who have apparently
packed it in they lose their starting quarterback and have just given up on the season so
uh i still say uh as far as the nfl goes i still say the 49ers will win the Super Bowl. And you're probably going, what the fuck are you talking about?
Did you see Seattle last night?
And boy, is that a tough place to play Seattle.
That crowd is just bonkers, man.
Unbelievable.
But I still say the 49ers are going to get this shit together.
They get Crabtree back.
They're getting healthy.
Harbaugh's a great coach.
Kaepernick, you saw what he, people forget what he did last year.
Went all the way to the Super Bowl.
He's just, he's still growing, man.
And they're just mean, the 49ers.
They have a great running.
They're balanced.
There's something about them.
I just, Pete Carroll, I don't believe in him.
Even though he's doing a great job up there.
I just don't think he's going to win the big one.
I like the 49ers to go to the Super Bowl against Denver.
And you're going, what?
I thought you were a Pats fan.
How can you say that?
Pats have too many injuries on defense, and you saw it against the Texans.
No Will Fork, okay?
No Gerard Mayo.
No Kelly, Tom Kelly.
And these are guys that are like all pros, and they're out for the year.
And I think that's going to hurt them in the end.
You know, I still think
my pick was before
the season started
was the 49ers
and it still is.
And they're starting
to put it together.
I don't know.
I took about three hours
to pull clips for you guys.
And, you know,
this fucking sounds lady
shitting the bed on me here.
For the love of Christ.
Anyways, what else did I want to talk about?
Got to meet my horse.
The horse that I bought my wife.
I told you she's into that dressage.
That dressage is that Olympic sport when you see a horse, you know,
and you see a broad or a guy on it wearing a stupid hat and a little jacket,
and then they make the horse, you know, high step and walk, you know,
like it's stepping on hot cigarettes or some shit.
It takes a beautiful, very masculine-looking animal
and makes it do, like, very gay dance steps.
You know what I'm talking about?
It is pretty amazing what they can do with a ship.
But anyways, I purchased a horse that my wife wanted,
and I'm afraid of horses.
I am scared shit of horses, okay?
I think they're big.
I think they're very dumb and uh they scare me
never been on top of one um so i finally get to uh yeah the wife's been riding um
for a couple years now but we just got this horse a month or so ago and i finally get to see her
about an hour north where i live drove up into this beautiful part of the country up in northern westchester somewhere
i don't even know where first of all the wife goes uh yeah um i'm like do i bring a coat no
it's an indoor it's an indoor uh you know what you call it indoor track or whatever you fucking
i don't know what you call it uh so i go up there with like a T-shirt on and I'm wearing like a,
maybe a fall jacket, you know, and it's like 31 out.
And I get up there and of course the supposed indoor arena,
for some reason they had the heat off.
So I'm sitting there like a bitch, shivering like a motherfucker.
And got to meet Lollipop.
And again, I was scared shit to get up this close.
And well, my wife actually recorded me on her iPhone.
And this is me meeting Lollipop, my horse, for the first time.
Didn't go that well.
oh come on nick quit being a puss they're scary what a beautiful horse though it's like dark chocolate brown black i don't know i think it might be black i don't even know
it's a dutch warm blood whatever the hell that is and um it's the first time that i actually
fed it a
carrot, you know, and shit, you should have seen me. I was like a little girl. I thought it was
going to snap my fingers off with those big ass horse teeth. It was like, it's like, uh, it was
like feeding a carrot to John Elway while he's doing Coke. Um, and it was pretty cool though.
I didn't know you can't like stand directly in front of a horse.
If you stand directly in front of the horse, that they can't see you because, you know, the eyes are on the side of the head.
So you have to kind of approach them from the side.
Did you fucking know that?
I didn't know that.
And you certainly don't want to walk behind it.
If you do, you got to, like, pat it on the ass and let it know you're there.
Otherwise, it'll fucking kick you across the room.
God, I was, like, I was such a puss i go to walk behind it i made
like a i you know i cleared it by like 30 feet made like a u-turn that took three minutes to
walk behind the horse my wife's like what the fuck are you doing she's putting the equipment on it
and putting a bit in the bit in the horse's mouth and and um just crazy how muscular and beautiful those things are.
And my wife's really good, man.
She's a quick study.
She's been doing this for a while now, but she's really getting good.
And there's a woman up there who sold her the horse,
who I guess in the heyday she was a model,
and now she's like in her 60s, and she's like, I don't know,
she's a little wacky, kind of like her.
She's kind of eccentric, but she's like uh i don't know she's a little wacky kind of like her you know she's
kind of eccentric but she's like screaming at my my wife just went up there to ride like
peacefully and work on some stuff on her own and and this woman's like yelling at her what are you
doing put your shoulders back just screaming at my wife and i'm kind of laughing going how does
it feel no but uh but uh and it kind of unnerves my wife she's up there for you know to relax and
work on stuff on her own.
And this lady's like riding.
She's been riding since, I don't know, she was two.
And she's just yelling at my wife, screaming at her,
like a goddamn football coach.
Wouldn't leave her alone.
It's kind of fun to watch, I've got to be honest with you,
to see your wife's balls being busted.
But my wife's really good.
Really good at riding this shit.
So that was pretty fun to meet that thing.
Again, though, I'm such a negative guy,
and I'm just waiting for the thing to turn an ankle or whatever.
You know it's going to happen.
It's going to come up with some type of acid indigestion whatever i'm just waiting for the bills to come in
but my wife says it's not like that it's a beautiful horse and she checked out all the papers
so uh yeah lollipop is the horse's name no i didn't name it that was the name
that it had when we made the purchase.
But, yeah, it's kind of fun.
I don't know if I have the balls to get up on one of those things.
You know?
I might give it a shot.
Not sure.
But we'll see where it goes.
Maybe my wife will make the Olympics.
You can do all right in your late 60s.
God damn it.
Where are all these clips I pulled?
Oh, this is fucking pissing me off.
Anyways. Baseball news. Just some quick headlines headlines quick hitters here uh
uh cano i'm telling you jay-z's uh playing hardball with the yankees we ain't settling
it's all about the cash you know that now you get the mariners they're the only other team that's
really uh making they might make a run at cano they need it they suck they have no big names It's all about the cash. You know that. Now you've got the Mariners. They're the only other team that's really making it.
They might make a run at Cano.
They need it.
They suck.
They have no big names.
So I know they're meeting with Cano.
And I guess the Yanks is still about $80 million apart from what Cano's asking or whatever.
He wants like a seven-year deal.
Give me a fucking break.
He's not that sorry, okay?
Put him in a park where he doesn't have a short fortune, right. And a guy doesn't hustle. So what do you got? He, he, he, don't
get me wrong. He's unbelievable in the field and he's a great hitter. But like I said,
take that short porch away from him. It's not like he goes to the opposite field. So,
and he's asking for, you know, sick money that people just don't give away anymore,
except stupid teams like Seattle. So that might be, I'm hoping as a
Red Sox fan, obviously, that Cano
exits the American League East.
And what else is
going on transaction-wise? It's hot stove time,
kids. Tigers
look like they're going to sign Joe Nathan,
who I think was with the Rangers last year.
Remember, he's a great closer,
relief pitcher. Looks like
the Tigers are going to get him.
They gave up.
I think the Tigers gave up Pfister, I want to say, in another deal.
And my Red Sox, apparently no more Salt La Macchia.
That was quick.
Did a great job, Salty.
We love you.
Nice knowing you.
It's the business.
We look like, it looks like we're on the verge of signing aj brzezinski who's
a real ass apparently like i know he's got a salty personality and a lot of his teammates
don't dig him but he puts up good numbers you know 37 homers the last couple years and he threw out
like 33 of the guys that tried to steal on him last year and uh so he's good defensively and uh i know he's got a big bat and um i think he's a
left-handed hitter losing so uh that's that's not bad we have a couple of great catches on the
minors i was told so pruszynski is just going to be like a temporary thing kind of a bridge to those
guys uh brian wilson's going to go back to the dodgers, it looks like. You know, fear the beard.
Yeah, he's going to go back to the Dodgers, it looks like.
And Oakland A's making all kinds of moves.
You've got to love the fucking A's.
Signed, Scotty Kazmaier.
Yeah, Pfister went to the Nats, by the way.
Doug Pfister went to the Nats.
So that's it baseball-wise.
I'm already chomping at the bit for baseball aren't you sure you are
oh how can i forget this how about the metro north debacle over the weekend how horrible is that
let me tell you something.
I took that train many days when I lived in Tarrytown.
So Metro North, you know.
It doesn't look good.
I got to be honest with you.
The guy driving that, the conductor or whatever, he was doing 80 when he was supposed to be
doing 30 on a curve.
You know, he said, I don't know if the story has progressed since early today,
but he said he had zoned out.
I don't know what that means, and we have to wait for the investigation,
but I'm telling you, zoning out, that's usually, and again, speculation,
alcohol, maybe weed or cell phone what's creepy is
i wrote a joke about a year and a half ago about technology and cell phones and uh and you'll see
it in the special and uh since i wrote that joke there's been two major train accidents i'm not
saying this one was caused by a cell phone or text or anything but the one in spain last year with about 40 people get killed remember they they checked
the guy's cell phone the conductor he was actually on the cell phone when the train crashed and they
think that was the cause of it i'm not saying that's just that's the case here but you don't
just zone out okay i don't know what that means unless you know you just
smoked a doobie um just horrible just freaking horrible man and um people you know thanksgiving
weekend people going into one guy was going in to light the tree and rockefeller center he does it
every year he actually helps light the the train and just absolutely frigging horrible
because some guy had his head up his ass
instead of doing his job right.
I saw the guy on the stretcher.
They showed him this guy, William Rockefeller.
He was driving the train
and he's a motorcycle enthusiast.
So something tells me he might like speed.
So I don't know.
But they showed him on a stretcher on the news.
And then I see a picture of him today in the paper like he's walking through
while all the wounded are being treated on the ground.
By the way, there were 63 injured, 11 of them critically.
I mean, he was walking through.
He looked like he was fine.
So that's, I mean, I feel bad for that guy.
His life is ruined, too, if he has any remorse and feelings, which I'm sure he does.
But it doesn't look like there's any mechanical error so far.
They've already looked at the black boxes and no mechanical error.
And it doesn't look like the brakes failed on the previous six stops.
So it looks like human error.
And this guy's going gonna have to live with this
which is just uh horrendous but uh metro north i always i'm i'm afraid i'm afraid of the subways
now i'm afraid of uh i've been up in westchester now since what i don't know like 13 years and 13
or 14 and uh my biggest fear wasn't that it would go off the tracks or derail Metro-North.
It was terrorism.
Because the security is nothing like an airport, you know?
And it just seems to me like a soft target for terrorists.
I mean, you get on these trains, you know, you get on the subway,
there's a thousand book bags and everything, you know?
And Metro-North is just at rush hour if you're a terrorist, that's what scared me.
It seemed like a soft target.
And I'm not saying they don't have guys from the, you know, mass transit cops or whatever on these trains because they do here and there.
But nothing compared to going to an airport.
And I know even an airport, that's mostly aesthetics to make us feel better. But I just, it's the trains that, you know, the terrorists blew up the trains in Europe, in Spain.
And I think there was an attack on a London subway.
And that's what scares the shit out of me, man.
I drive into the city.
I could take a train because it comes right up here.
It's not far from my house.
But I still drive.
And as much as I hate the traffic and whine about it i
feel safer even though you're not i know you know you you know 50 times more likely i get killed in
a car than a plane or a train but uh i'll take my chances okay that surprised me though what a
horrible a horrible thing so thoughts and prayers to the families of the victims. Guys like a motorcycle enthusiast.
And then you had that Paul Walker, that actor from the Fast and Furious,
who I had never heard of.
I'm not a fan of those movies, you know.
Last good movie I saw was Grease.
It was a nice family movie.
The language was terrific, and there was no profanity and nudity.
I enjoyed it thoroughly.
No, but I had never seen a Fast and Furious movie,
so I didn't know who the guy was.
And apparently one of my wife's closest friends,
we lived in L.A., this girl Stacy,
went to school with this kid.
They used to email each other.
I didn't know who the hell he was.
And he was on the passenger side.
And his buddy, who was also a racing enthusiast,
they were in a Porscheorsche and just going
way too fast apparently it's a tricky car to drive and he hit a tree or a pole and just you know
exploded they never had a prayer i mean what the fuck
what the fuck folks so i'll stick to my car
that was horrible um Fuck, folks. So, I'll stick to my car.
That was horrible.
Gotta get this hernia fixed.
Takes me an hour to get out of a chair right now.
Freaking crazy.
What else is going on? Oh!
On Thursday, MSNBC host Chris Matthews,
who infamously claimed that President Obama gave him a thrill up his leg.
He's going to be interviewing the president at American University in Washington.
That'll be a hard-hitting interview, huh?
I bet you there'll be some real tough questions coming his way, you know?
It's a nice suit.
Where'd you get it?
Yeah, so he's interviewing the president,
who I don't know what to say about the guy anymore, man.
I just know the whole Obamacare thing
is opening the door for the Republicans.
Don't get me wrong, they all suck, but...
I had some audio of Chris Matthews.
Also, Pierce Morgan, too, said that the president's a perfect physical specimen.
But I think Matthews, I think he interviewed him a while ago.
Do we have some audio of that?
Oh, yeah, baby.
Do it one more time.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It was a good interview.
It was thorough.
Did a nice job.
Got more than a thrill up his leg, apparently.
But, yeah, that'll be a hard- hard hitting to be i can't wait to see it
so ladies and gentlemen what will they talk about um healthcare.gov
that's still not ready yet apparently now more people can get on, but once they get on,
that's where the real problems start.
They can talk about that deal with Iran that we made, the nuclear deal.
Netanyahu's thrilled about that.
Immigration reform, who gives a shit?
How about voter suppression?
Like that even exists.
Oh, you got to have a picture ID.
Oh my God, the burden.
So that should be interesting.
Can't wait to see it.
That's about it.
Got to lose some weight.
Put on about five.
Started starving myself yesterday.
The key is to not to have good food in the house.
That's the key.
It reminds me when I was single, my first job out of college,
I worked for a company selling frozen steak and seafood door to door. That was my first job out of college i worked for a a a company selling uh frozen steak and seafood door-to-door that was
my first job out of college and um it was uh it was uh i i should write a treatment for a tv show
for it it was like taxi meets glenn gary glenn ross It was my boss was a guy named Danny.
I won't say his last name.
He's probably three years older than me, maybe.
So when I got out of college, I was 22.
He might have been 25.
And he's driving like a $150,000 Porsche.
Nobody really knew his last name.
And he was the best salesman ever, man.
He started this company by, he started working for another company doing the same thing
direct sales door-to-door frozen steak and seafood door-to-door and um it was such a good sales but
he made so much money started the company you know on his own and then brought in another guy i guess
that he went to college with but he was such a character man and um yeah it was it was the balls
just just um some of the stories I got for you.
But we met in like a warehouse, an unfinished warehouse with a walk-in freezer downstairs.
This lady used to take our orders.
They'd give you the food on consignment.
You've seen this.
It's like a box of 50 steaks.
Boston baked scrod, those prepared items.
Crab Thermador.
And they'd give it to you on consignment.
And you'd go out and
you'd rent an azuzu pickup truck they'd take that out of your pay um with a cooler on the back and
a block of frozen ice and you would go to door to door selling these items it was fucking hilarious
man and the characters that worked there it was just incredible so um yeah i don't remember how
i got on the subject.
Oh, yeah, getting fat.
But the stuff was really good.
Some of the stuff was really good.
The steaks and the pork chops and chicken teriyaki.
Stuff was really good stuff.
But it was so cool going into people's houses and, you know, running into hothousewives and shit.
When I look back on the opportunities I had, and I was such a puss,
running into hothouse wives and shit.
When I look back on the opportunities I had,
and I was such a puss,
I was more worried about moving my product because they kept your name up on a board every week.
You know?
But it was frigging, it was unbelievable.
I remember being in a neighborhood,
next to a town I grew up in.
We were located in Alston, out of Boston.
And I went up to the North Shore.
Here's my first day of work.
We load the trucks in the morning.
You load your own truck, right?
And I have like 25, 26 boxes.
And I stop off at a florist in Saugus, Massachusetts off of Route 1, okay?
It's up sort of where I grew up in that neck of the woods.
I walk into a
florist and you're like why would you go to a florist well they eat too it's one of those
mom and pop businesses they work you know out of their house so it's my first stop folks i am
nervous i do my little sales pitch the guy and the wife i have all the boxes laid out you know
like 20 boxes of steak shrimp chicken ter chicken teriyaki, Boston Bigs.
They're discussing it, him and Hunter.
Guy goes, we'll take it all.
Okay, you're going to say this is my first stop at 10 in the morning.
Not even.
It was like 930 in the morning.
Guy writes me a check for, I can't remember, a couple grand.
I drive back into Alston, and I pull in, and the other guys are still loading their trucks,
they haven't left yet, and my boss goes, what happened?
He thought I had truck engine problems and shit,
he goes, what's the matter?
And I go, nothing, the fucking freezer's empty.
He goes, what?
Opens it, sure enough, there's just a block of ice in it.
He calls all the other sales guys over,
they've been working there for a couple years,
look what he did, this is what's possible. felt like an so i load up again go back out okay i was
out there till 11 30 that night didn't sell another box if that's not a direct direct sales
story i don't know what is was out there banging doors till 11 30 at night we would go any you go
anywhere you'd walk into tanning salons uh gas stations at
midnight and and if the guys wanted to see the stuff you show it to them so um just incredible
yeah my first stop i i cleaned the truck up and uh what do you talk about a tough job though oh
my god you'd go two days without selling anything then you then you know you'd sell 15 boxes at one
stop or whatever and uh it was just incredible and you come in the next day you pay off and
you get your food and you go back out and we went all over the place we went down to um
went down this is when the mets uh this is uh george what was his name oh don't let me forget
george foster for the mets had just signed that huge contract, right?
The biggest one in baseball at that point.
And I was being trained by a guy named Dean Graber.
He's the guy who trained me originally.
And every once in a while, you'd pair up with a guy.
If you didn't feel like knocking doors by yourself, you'd pair up with somebody.
So Dean, the guy who trained me originally, young kid, he was from Long Island, I think, or Queens, I can't remember.
But great salesman.
He had sold George Foster's wife a bunch of food
and really marked it up, I guess, a year or two early,
so much so that he was afraid to go back.
Okay?
So we're tooling all around.
We're in connecticut now and um he's like
let's go see the fosters and i'm like yeah why not because because i'm afraid they're gonna open
the door and figure it out they paid you know 31 a pound or whatever and uh we were hesitant we
knocked all these doors in in connecticut i can't remember what town he lived in but um we were making a weekend of it so anyways we sat like outside the house on the
street deciding to get the balls up he was to to knock on her door again and uh so after sitting
in the car for like 40 minutes like we we pull into the driveway and he he goes up and rings the
bell and he's looking back at me like you know know, oh, my God, I'm going to get killed.
She opens the door.
Mrs. George Walsh's wife goes, it's the meat guy.
Come on in.
She couldn't have been more excited to see us.
Bring it all in.
We bring in like 40 boxes.
She writes us a check without even blinking.
She has a freezer that you could have put 400 bodies in.
even blink and she has a a freezer that you could have put 400 bodies in and um not only does she take everything in the truck and make our whole weekend gives us tickets for the next day for the
mets they were playing on national tv at four o'clock how cool is that of course me and dean
i think went to a strip club and and and i can't remember what we did blew half the money i just
remember uh going back to Boston on that Sunday.
We were broke again.
We had to run like a toll booth.
He's like shoplifting at a 7-Eleven.
I'm distracting the lady at the register,
and he's stealing like frozen sandwiches.
And yeah, we pissed through the money.
It's all cash.
It was all...
She wrote us a check, but we...
That's the thing. We only had a little bit of cash on us. It was all, she wrote us a check, but that's the thing.
We only had a little bit of cash on us.
It was, what a weekend, man.
Some of the stories, oh.
I remember packing this lady's freezer,
and the excuse always from the customer was,
well, I don't have any room in my freezer.
And our comeback would be, well, what I can't fit in your freezer, I'll give to you for nothing.
That was the big zinger.
So I remember this lady in a peabody mess.
I opened the door, opened a freezer, and literally bread and shit's falling out.
And I'm like, you don't need these.
Hot dogs are like a year old.
And they want to buy the shit because it was really eye appealing and nice stuff.
And I still remember the pitches.
I still remember going,
this is a chicken quote on blue.
It's stuffed with Canadian bacon
and Swiss cheese.
What you want to do is
bake this at 350 for 25 minutes.
Dilute a can of mushroom soup.
Pour it over a bed of rice.
Light a couple candles.
Bottle of wine.
You and the husband
think you died and went to heaven.
Should I put it in the freezer or should you that was the pitch uh this is a chicken teriyaki it's
a whole boneless breast marinated in brown sugar white wine and teriyaki sauce and just uh whole
crab tomador and some of the stuff was really good the the the shrimp the jumbo shrimp was from campeachy bay peeled and devained
from the gulf of mexico and um some of the stuff was wasn't that good but the boston bake scrud oh
used to go anyways um i remember trying to get this shit i opened her freezer and it's packed
and this is a true story and i hope she doesn't listen to this podcast i'm uh taking stuff out
of a freezer old bread you don't need this you don't need that I literally a box
of those Eskimo pie
things she had refrigerated
in like a den you know TV room
next to the couch I slipped the
Eskimo pies I put all the stuff in
I was selling her and there was no more room to put
her Eskimo pies back I slipped them
under her couch
and then she
joked about it the next time I went back.
She actually called me.
She wanted more food.
She liked it so much.
And then there was another couple
in Malden, Mass.
The minute I'd knock on their door,
the husband would go
to the liquor cabinet
immediately,
invite me in,
get me drunk,
his wife drunk,
and take the truck every time.
It was fucking great.
And there was a hot housewife in mansfield mass who you'd sell the food and then you know you weren't supposed to hear from them for they'd buy like
two three months worth and uh she called me back she'd call me back every two weeks and i'd go back
and it'll be her and like three of her hothouse wife friends sitting at the table
leaning and you gotta remember i'm 21 22 years old i'm actually in good shape and don't look
like but a fuko at that point and i look up and all three of them are watching me with a smirk
on their face if i knew what i know now what a puss i was i was i just wanted to move the product
you know i didn't want to come in last and the salesman uh what a what an idiot still remember what she looks like too but she used to call me back like every two three
weeks and you know i think her husband was a lawyer and shit he didn't work that far from
the house i don't know i was should have made the move what a girl but uh tons of stories man
tons of them we we had a manager we'll call him jeffrey and this guy
stone cold addict loved his coke loved his booze and he knew the meat business it's all he did his
whole life and he really knew it and he worked he left our company and worked for a competitor
then our boss hired him back and then uh he totaled my bought my boss's porsche one weekend and um and uh the cops were chasing
him he broke he took the keys he had the keys to our freezer this was after my boss hired him back
after totaling his porsche this is like a year later he gets gets drunk he used to stay in the office by the way sleep on the couch in the office
and uh he he went to work for our competitor because my boss fired him again but he still
had a set of keys to our place and he broke in and loaded one of their trucks with our product
and uh the rhode island cops were chasing him.
My boss had to call the cops,
and they were like Rhode Island cops chasing him in a Zuzu pickup truck filled with stolen product from our company.
Oh, man, I can't make this shit up.
We had a couple of ex-Vietnam vets that were great sales guys,
but, you know, 10 in the morning,
you'd see them like with a flask in their jacket,
but they would outsell everybody they were just amazing and uh i got a million stories that uh i should
have i wrote up a treatment when i lived in la because like i said it was like glenn gary
uh glenn ross because we used to have sales meetings upstairs and it's nice you know, beautiful, beautiful conference room.
And then downstairs was like a sawdust floor and unfinished and unheated.
And just some of the fucking funniest, craziest guys.
And then my boss, I quit after a couple of years.
You get burnt out.
Then I was selling cable door to door.
These are the jobs I had right after I came out of college.
And then one day I'm living in malden mass unemployed again and my boss goes he rings the buzzer i'm at my buddy l's apartment hadn't seen him in a year he goes let's take a
ride i'll take you to lunch i go okay l i'll be right back some come out danny's in his another
porsche all of a sudden he gets on route 128 and starts heading south on 120 i go what are you
doing where are we going?
He goes, I got to show you something.
Cut to an hour later, an hour and 15 minutes later,
I'm in Warwick, Rhode Island. He had opened an office
down there, and he wanted me to management.
I had knocked a door
and had knocked a door in a couple years.
And I'm like, are you out of your
fucking mind, Danny? He brings
me into the office. I look through this window
of this door into a
conference room and it's like 12 or 15 people sitting around he goes do me a favor take one
of these guys out and just show them show them the room I I was like Dan I haven't knocked the door
in a fucking year he goes please so he talks me into it this is why this guy has dough he's one
of the guys that makes things happen.
I take this guy out.
He was a fuller brush salesman in his 60s.
Alcoholic.
I can smell the booze on him.
I don't want to be down there.
It's practically kidnapping, right?
I take the guy out.
He goes, just take him over a couple hours.
Show him the...
Third door we knock.
Guy takes the whole truck.
And this poor fuller brush guy. He's probably dead now. he had to be in his 60s when i was training him i come back hand danny the check he takes me in his office hires me down there he put
pays for my rent puts me up in a in a beautiful apartment pays for my rent pays for my truck my
dry ice and all that shit makes me the manager of the rhode island office and gives me a salary on top of my commission and um yeah open it uh you know opened a strong box
just stuffed it with cash for a couple years and then uh got burnt out again and that's when i did
my first open mic so but um i always get paranoid when i go back to clubs like i play like the
comedy connection in rhode island because i there wasn't a door in rhode island i didn't knock
and um that's true of almost all of new england between the boston office and the rhode island
office but uh it was hilarious the people we would hire young college kids would work there and then
try to steal the product when they quit some guy and then my boss would put
a tail on another kid because uh he wasn't selling anything and my boss would follow him in his car
i have somebody follow him and the guy's like banging his girlfriend all day not even working
and then he hired a guy a kid who was yugoslavian i can't remember he was a scary looking dude he
had this face that was as long
as a horse's I swear to god red hair and freckles the most frightening thing I remember we were
going how is this guy you know nobody's gonna let him into a house if he knocks the door
guy ended up making an ass of all of us he would outsell us what's if you sold 75 80 boxes that
was a good week he was doing 150 160 boxes a week just just the fucking most
charming guy and but he'd be out you know he'd be out till till one in the morning working
it was just he made an ass of us made so much money he opened a restaurant of his own in boston
but uh just made an ass of us would do you get excited You sell 80 boxes in a week. You come in 165, 170.
We still don't know how he did it.
Crazy.
And he kept all his customers.
And I got thrown out of a real estate agency.
I was pitching food.
And the guy said, who said you'd come in here?
I go, who the fuck said I couldn't?
And then he called the cops.
And then in another neighborhood, a cop tried to kick me out and uh he asked me about a license
and i didn't you know we didn't you need license to knock doors or whatever and uh i i showed him
the pork chops i asked him honest to god and and and he absolutely freaked over the pork they were
beautiful they were like two inches thick pink gorgeous pork chops so i gave him a box at my
cost and he let me stay in the neighborhood for another two hours i didn't sell another thing and um it wasn't really at my cost i made a few bucks
on him but uh great stories like that you know just uh you know met a few broads you know you're
banging the doors uh they're not home and um you, didn't do anything right in the house.
That happened when I was selling cable.
But then you'd, you know, take them out on the weekend and met some hot chicks.
And then my boss had a condo up in Ipswich, Mass.
And every Friday night we'd go up there.
This is when we were working on the Alston office.
And we'd go up there and all kinds of shit.
He'd provide all the accoutrements, let's call them that.
You know what I mean?
And what a blast.
What a blast.
That was 1980, we're talking 84, 85.
And it led to comedy.
I don't know how.
But got a nice nest egg.
I had to go back and take food back out of a nice nest egg.
I had to go back and take food back out of a lady's freezer.
Her husband freaked out when he saw the price.
Called my boss, get your asshole salesman back here.
That was awkward.
You'd have all the stuff laid out, like in the living room.
It's like dinner time, and all of a sudden the husband would come home and go, you know, what the fuck's this?
And some of them were nice, and others would go, pack your shit and get out.
They'd get furious.
One guy figured out how much his wife paid for shrimp and just...
I had to go back and fucking pick all the shit up the next day.
You know how awkward that is?
Oof.
Anyways, folks, hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
Until next time, take care of yourselves
and um play a fish guitar solo Bye.