The Nick DiPaolo Show - 009 - Happy Halladays

Episode Date: December 10, 2013

Happy Halladays

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, boys and girls, what's going on to you? A Merry Christmas. I don't know. We start to say that a couple weeks before Christmas, but everybody's doing it. Or Happy Holidays. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable. I wouldn't want to make you nervous people see the colors red and green apparently they get uncomfortable that was in the paper

uh school districts not allow a red and green around christmas time we've lost our fucking minds we really have you know wouldn't you say so, Santa? I have this creepy, uh, this, uh, like a, I don't know, 18-inch Santa that stands on a platform. And he wiggles his hips and shit, and he just sings like this. It's kind of creepy. Every time you make a loud noise. Merry Christmas! He wiggles his ass like he's gay, and his little hands go up and down. It's kind of scary, man.

But it's beautiful. He does everything I say on demand. Hit it, you fat fuck. That's enough, you silly bastard. Hit it. Merry Christmas. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout.

That thing is creepy. All right, enough. You're making the Jews, the Muslims, and all non-Christians very uncomfortable with this bullshit. I'm starting to agree. Anyways, how you doing, kids? What's happening? It is, well, you listen to this whenever,

on Tuesday or whatever. I think it's Monday evening right now. I'm not sure. It's been a long weekend. What's going on? A lot of shit in the sports world, apparently. Very interesting. College and pro football

over the weekend was great. It was nice to see snow. Some of those games, the Lions and Eagles, I mean, that was as bad a snowstorm as I've ever seen a game being played in. It was beautiful. It actually made the NFL interesting this weekend.

Anybody else notice that? Or even the Steelers-Miami game. That was incredible how that one ended. With the Steelers, after the Dolphins getting a late touchdown, the Steelers trying to do the old lateral thing on the kickoff. Well, actually, it wasn't on the kickoff. I don't know. What's-his-name was out there.

Ben Roethlisberger. So I don't think it was on the kickoff. It's the last play of the game. But they lateraled the ball, and it got to, what was his name, Antonio Brown, I believe it was, who went sprinting down the sidelines after 10 laterals. Roethlisberger made the last lateral. It was actually a great play on his part as he was falling. And this guy goes tear-assing down the sidelines

and just steps out of bounds like i think it was a 12-yard line uh oh costing the uh steelers probably a playoff spot but uh that was probably the most exciting play of the uh of the whole sunday actually i mean there were a lot of them uh once again brady and the patriots pulling out of their ass. You know, and as a Patriots fan, I'm going to be honest with you, I don't even feel good about it. Number one, horseshit call by the refs. Regardless of whether we got ripped off by the Panthers on a Monday night

a couple weeks ago, you don't call an interference. There was barely any contact. You've got to let these guys play. And again, this is coming from a Pats fan. I not feel good about that we're only kidding ourselves i mean i'll get to gronkowski in a minute but uh to be struggling with the cleveland browns do you really think you're gonna go anywhere in the playoffs give me a break i think we're setting ourselves up for a fucking heartache but um i didn't really see any interference there. I mean, come on, refs. You can't end a game on a call like that or decide a game.

It's just, it's dog shit. Unless the guy's getting mugged and it's really an egregious penalty, you know, then you got to throw the flag. The whole world sees it. But, you know, I actually felt bad for the Browns. They deserve that game. But you got to admit, Belichick and Brady, it is unbelievable. The onside kick.

I mean, Cleveland, you blew that one. Could have ended it right there. But no, that's typical Cleveland Brown fashion over the years that we've come to know El Choco on the onside kick. And you give Brady, you know, extra life, and you're going to get fucked. You know that. And sure enough, but dog shit call, I would say, by the ref,

and I'm sure it makes up for the Panthers thing that happened a few weeks ago. But that's three weeks in a row now. We did it to the Browns last week against the Texans down by, what, a 10 at halftime? And of course, against the mighty Broncos down 24-0. You got to admit, Brady, it might be the greatest comeback quarterback of all time. As much as

you Jets fans hate to hear that, you got to admit, he is a freak when it comes to that stuff. And doing it with hardly any talent out there, let's be honest. No more Welker. Hernandez is, you know, day-to-day with a murder charge. And, you know, not to mention missing our defense.

We're not going to go anywhere. Come on. Vince Wilfork is out. Gerard Mayo, our best player on defense, gone for the year. Tom Kelly, gone for the year. And now Gronk. Just this guy can't buy a break, this poor fella. I mean, makes a catch.

It reminded me of Gale Sayers, a few people in your late 90s, when he blew his knee out in the late 60s against the 49ers. Just as he planted his foot, some guy drilled him. A defensive back came up and smoked him. He did what he was supposed to do. I mean, what are you going to do? If you hit him up high, you take his head off, you get fined. But it wasn't a dirty hit by any means.

And you knew the minute that he landed on the ground. You could see him writhing in pain, and you knew. People go, maybe it's just a bruise, a bone bruise. No, no, no. Every ligament in there exploded like popcorn. Okay, MCL, ACL. Again, I don't know this should be 100% true, but that's the word of Monday afternoon. I mean, ACL and MCL.

I don't know if it's been confirmed or not, but just seeing the hit, if you follow football, you know. So no more Gronk. All right. So didn't have him for the first six games. Did all right. But like I said, who are we kidding? Going into the playoffs? I just don't. Although in this league, it's so up and down and watered down. Who the fuck knows? But I don't think we're going anywhere, you know? I really don't. We might get a first-round bye, but even so, I just don't. Too many injuries on defense and now no Gronk.

It's asking too much. And how they have this record, the record that they do at this point, is just a testament to Belichick and Brady and the whole staff. But too bad. Too bad. a testament to Belichick and Brady and the whole staff. But too bad. Too bad. But those games are fun to watch. Antonio Brown was the guy that ran out of bounds for the Steelers. Just one heel stepped out of bounds.

Vikings, Ravens, how about that? I can't imagine people who really put down money and gamble on these games. I play in that little pool, and it drives me nuts. Vikings, Ravens, I think there were five touchdowns scored in the last two minutes and five seconds. Ravens pulling it out. Unbelievable. I mean, that was horrible weather too. But, I mean, come on, five touchdowns?

Just horrendous. But it mean, come on. Five touchdowns? Just horrendous. But it did. It made it interesting. It made the NFL a little interesting for me to see those snow games, which look, you know, they look like they're fun to watch, but I tell you when I played up at Maine, we played New Hampshire. I think it was

my, I'm not sure it was my junior or senior year. I have the worst memory. I swear to God. Three concussions and i'm retarded um but we played unh up there on the last game of the year and it was 36 degrees just enough just warm enough so it wasn't snowing and it was actually pouring okay so picture that and with a wind chill i think, I think it was below, but it was blowing. The rain was blowing sideways. Okay. And you couldn't, you couldn't, you couldn't feel your feet two minutes after we get out on the field to warm up.

And, uh, they were actually lighting fires for us on the sideline in trash cans on both sidelines. And that's how cold it was. I remember this, uh, this kid we had, had uh he wasn't a starter at the time but he was from uh yonkers a kid named lance black kid he was literally crying because he was he was so cold he literally was crying literally not literally somebody went nuts on uh twitter because i say literally they said i say it like a British twat. Literally, he was crying, though, from the cold.

It was brutal. First play of the game, we had the ball. They called my number to run a sweep. Okay? I run out of bounds on New Hampshire side. Two guys bury me into a puddle that had to be two feet deep. I shit you not. I almost thought I was going to drown. Get up.

The wind is blowing. I thought I was going to fucking pass out. I couldn't fucking believe how cold it was. I was soaked. That was the first play of the game. We get another hour, hour and a half to go before halftime. And it was just the most painful thing I have ever, ever felt in my life. Nobody sat in the stands that day.

People were watching. I remember seeing a couple of sat in the stands that day people were watching i remember seeing a couple cars in the parking lot people uh watching from their cars at like one end of the field but it was my parents came up i remember them coming to my fraternity they come up to my room and this is like two hours after the game i am in like wrapped in like a comforter sitting next to this old rusty radiator and still shivering. And drinking coffee with, I think there was whiskey in it, I remember. But I couldn't get freaking warm. I remember being out with them for dinner, my parents at night, and still shivering.

It was fucking freakish. They actually let us change our uniforms at halftime. And of course that didn't help. I don't know that New Hampshire had their got to change their uniform. But anyways, they had a running back who ran all over us that day, even in that weather. But I have never felt anything like that in my life. Like I said, it was just warm enough so it wasn't snowing. Yet when the wind picked up, it was just, it was, I don't know, it was unbelievable.

But it made the NFL interesting, I thought. Kind of fun to watch. By the way, my UMaine Black Bears lost playoff game. Won AA. They don't call it that anymore, but I refuse to call it whatever the fuck they call it. FCS. But they lost to New Hampshire up at Maine this past weekend. But they had a hell of a season, man.

They lost to Northwestern, and they lost to UNH in the last game of the regular season, and then UNH just beat them. So they ended up like 10-3. Not bad. Sticking with college football. I didn't mean for this podcast to be all sports, but I mean, come on. What else are we going to talk about? I live a boring fucking life.

Over the weekend, and, you know, big-time college football, Ohio State, once again, Ohio State finally picks on somebody their own size and loses. They just, I call them the bullies of big-time college football.

Every time they, they play kind of a soft schedule for the most part. Have a few tough ones in there, you know, Michigan and a few others. But they go up against Michigan State, who has the number one defense

in college football in the whole nation this year. And Ohio State has like the best offense in the nation. So it was a battle State has, like, the best offense in the nation. So it was a battle. And Michigan State, the defense came out on top. And they were unbelievable, man. They have a cornerback, Denard.

He must be related to the guy in the Pats. This kid, Denard, was unbelievable. Just unbelievable. And Braxton Miller couldn't really do anything. It was, once again, though, Ohio you finally, you face somebody that's, you know, of your caliber and you choke. Urban Meyer, though, you got to admit, man, I mean, that was his first loss in two years since he took over the job there. So, but damn. And Florida State rolls over Duke.

And they're going to be in the national championship game against Auburn, who smoked Missouri, 59-42. I thought that was going to be Missouri's going to give them a much tougher game, but it was ridiculous. Neither team could play defense to the point where it was almost boring. And Stanford, they're going to the Rose Bowl, I believe, against Michigan State. They beat Arizona State 38-14. And Bowling Green, who was a big underdog to Northern Illinois University.

Northern Illinois was number 14 in the whole nation this year. And Bowling Green whipped their ass, 47-27. Oof. That was a surprise, man. I'm glad I don't bet. Because I would have blown that big time. Big time. So, and the other sad thing is when when they play for the national championship in

college football i'm gonna not be able to see it i'm gonna be in route somewhere or on stage or i just looked at my book depressing the shit out of me i follow college ball all year and i'm not gonna be able to see that game. For the love of Pete. And speaking of on the road. Let me plug some dates here real quick. Levity Live. This Wednesday. That would be.

You'll probably get this. Listen to this tomorrow. So it'll probably be tomorrow night. Or no. Wednesday. You'll listen to it on Tuesday. Levity Live. That's in Nyack, New York.

And 8 o'clock show. And then this weekend at Governor's in Levittown, Long Island. One show Friday, two Saturday. One of my favorites. The Levity Live room is beautiful. It's in the, I want to say Palisades Mall. And it's gorgeous. I mean, most rooms, comics will tell you, you just dread.

You don't want to play in a mall, you know what I mean? But they built this room there that it's the nicest sound system I've ever heard as far as a comedy club. Gorgeous stage, beautiful seating, and yeah, I go there on Wednesday night. It's a good place to work out shit.

They let me do as much time as I want, so if you're in the area, folks, and if you're not, don't get pissed. People on Twitter are such dicks. I'm in Oregon. How does that help me? I didn't know I was fucking just talking to you, dickhead. But if you're in the area, yeah, Nyack, New York. Wednesday night, 8 o'clock.

And again, governors, this Friday and Saturday, Levittown. Also, the 27th, if you're in the New Hampshire area, Plymouth, New Hampshire, The Flying Monkey. And it's a beautiful theater. I know it sounds crazy and it sounds racist. But I heard it's a beautiful place. The Flying Monkey, Plymouth, New Hampshire. And then me and Robert Kelly, the very funny Robert Kelly.

We're going to be in the Poconos at Mount Airy Casino on the 30th, December 30th. Okay, enough of that. And don't forget to get your tickets for the Patrice O'Neill benefit. I put the link on my Twitter. That's on February 18th. That's going to be a hell of a show

for the late, great Patrice O'Neill. What else, kids? What the hell else is going on um i don't know this time of year the holidays and uh wait a minute let's talk baseball because uh there was some news in baseball today first of all the goddamn yankees are at it again okay i know they're trying to stay under the, whatever the tax of this, whatever the cap is, the salary tax or whatever. They're,

but they're, they're doing it again. They got, they got Ellsbury, as we all know. They got McCann. They got Beltran since I last talked to you. And Cano is gone.

And if I'm a Yankees fan, I'd say good fucking riddance. Okay? I mean, if you're a diehard Yankee, yeah, he was an unbelievable talent. But can you really be a Yankees icon and not run out ground balls? Thurman Munson would have kicked this guy right in his vagina. I say good riddance. And I'm happy as a Red Sox fan he's gone.

I want to face him. Go ahead, go out to Seattle and spend your money on coffee. 240 mil over 10 years, something like that. You know Jay-Z got in his ass and say, we got to go with a green, got to go with a cheddar hat. You know, you know that's what happened. I think he gets some bad advice. You're going gonna play meaningless

baseball out there again no offense to seattle but uh let's be honest you haven't been very relevant baseball wise in a long time maybe this is gonna help you i don't know do you have enough dough to pick up any other players i doubt it but theging Yankees loading up again. But don't worry, Red Sox fans. We have a ton of talent in the minor leagues, I hear. We get A.J. Pruszynski, you know, the catcher, and for a year. I guess we have a couple guys that are minors that are young guys that are great catchers. So apparently the Sox are loaded in the minors with talent.

Dying to see it. Ellsbury gone, so we're going to rely on Jackie Bradley Jr. Young guys that are great catchers. Apparently the Sox are loaded in the minors with talent. Dying to see it. Ellsbury gone, so we're going to rely on Jackie Bradley Jr. I don't know. I don't know. He's got great wheels. And started off as a hot hitter in spring training last year, but brought him up. He didn't show me much.

So let's hope he can come around. But also on baseball news today, the great Roy Halladay retires. Signed a one-day contract with the Toronto Blue Jays. That's who he was originally with before he went to the Phillies. But I think he's a first ballot Hall of Famer. Well, because of stuff like this. Here comes the one-two pitch to Helms. On the inside corner, strikeout number 11.

And Halladay is one out away from completing a perfect game. The one-two pitch. Hits toward third. Castro has it. Spins, fires. A perfect game. Roy Halladay has thrown the second perfect game in Philadelphia Phillies history! He faces 27 batters, he retires, oh, 27!

Yeah, man, I gotta say, gotta be a first ballot Hall of Famer, don't you think? Won the National League Cy Young Award in 2010. He was 203 in 105 with a 3.38 ERA in 416 career games. 390 starts. 67 complete games, 20 shutouts. Six-time All-Star. Six-time All-Star, won the 2003 AL Cy Young Award and went 148-76 with a 3.43 ERA in 12 seasons with the Blue Jays. And traded to the Phillies after 2009, was 40-16 with a 2.40 ERA in his first two years in Philadelphia.

Mama, when he was nasty, he was nasty. So, congratulations, Roy. Enjoy your life, okay? Okay. By the way, Grandison. Forgot to mention Grandison becoming a mess. That's pretty, that's going to be kind of cool. Not even have to move your stuff. Just stay in your same condo or apartment right in New York City. But you're playing a different ballpark. That's going to be pretty damn cool. Playing one of the greatest markets, if not the greatest market in New York. Is that going to help the Mets? I don't know. I mean, he's a hell of a ball player, strikes out a ton.

But good luck to Grandy. Also glad to see him go. The guy I'm worried about is McCann, the catcher. I wanted the Red Sox to get him. He's going to stick it right up by Gazoo. I can feel it. But there was a good sports weekend, especially, again, if you're from boston the pats pull another one out again i think we're just setting us up for a heartbreak in the playoffs if we you know i just don't think we

have the talent or whatever um with all the injuries and what i mentioned earlier but uh i watched a lot of the bruins this weekend too they played against the penguins and that's become a nasty nasty game those two teams friggin hate each other penguins came up to boston on uh i think it was saturday and just came out taking runs and the and the bruins are always chippy to begin with but this opic i don't even know how he pronounces it but he played for bc i think in college he's a wicked hitter he laid out louis erickson for the bruins i think he gave him a But this Opik, I don't even know how you pronounce his name, but he played for BC, I think, in college. He's a wicked hitter. He laid out Louis Erickson for the Bruins.

I think he gave him a concussion. And then later on in the game, Sean Thornton sort of jumped him, threw him down on the ice, punched him with his glove on in the face, and he smacked his head on the ice. It looked like he was unconscious, and it looked like Thornton hit him a couple times after he was unconscious. So he's in deep doo-doo. But the Bruins were struggling with the Penguins, but we have their number.

That's one of those teams that we own. And they ended up tying it up, and then, well, here's what happened. The goal's in this order. Over. Charo also there, and Aguila. That's a lot of Boston beef. Aguila centering. Krejci scores!

The Bruins have tied it with 129 to go! Yeah. Tie it with about a minute and a half left. Krejci just unbelievably clutch. Last time the Penguins were in town, we were up by a goal, and Crosby scored with a tenth of a second left and went into overtime. We won that. So Krejci ties it up with about a minute and 29 left,

and about 45, 50 seconds later, this happens. Out to Chara. Less than 25 seconds to go in the game. Smith to Bergeron, the return to Marchand. Dangling at the dot. Here's Chara, the rich shot scores! 13 seconds left puts the Bruins ahead! We talked about the Bruins. What a wrist shot.

By the way, Chara's 6'9", folks, 270 pounds, and he's as mean as he is big. He would have fit in beautifully with the Big Bad Bruins back in the 70s. He's a nasty guy, and you can tell people are scared shit of this guy. Nobody. He pops people in the face in front of him. And I'm talking guys that are 6'3", 230, and they'll turn around and see him and just skate away. Because he has like superhuman Herman Munster strength. He'll push somebody and they'll go flying through the air like a little girl.

I mean, he's frightening. He's got a nice nasty streak. And I've become a fan. I think he's better offensively. I've got to be honest with you. That goal right there with 13 seconds, that was like a Phil esposito wrist shot from the top of the slot goalie never saw it i mean a rocket his slap shot by the way has been uh his slap shot is like 108 miles an hour the last time they uh put the uh radar gun on it so uh gotta like the bruins and nasty but a lot of them are hurt right now and shit but

they're still uh so they pull that off and then brady uh does what he does you know it's uh it's crazy man it's fun to watch ah i get an itch in my back but i speaking of the big bad bruins i watched this special on on nessen and uh you know know, as great a defenseman as Chara is, Bobby Orr. I know everybody thinks Gretzky was the greatest, but I was talking about this with Dennis Miller on his radio show. Bobby Orr, do you know his last year or second of last year? He had, as a defenseman, 46 goals and 89 assists, okay, in one season as a defenseman. And this is before defenseman uh did play any

offense he transcended the game that's why i think he's the greatest and they were showing clips of him boy the goaltending i gotta be honest so was horrendous back then these guys would just stand up straight like they had a body cast on somebody would or they showed a clipboard taking a slap shot from a little over center ice and beating some goalie on the glove side. I mean, if anything has evolved in hockey, it's the goaltending

is so much better now than it was then. But Orr just skated rings around. It looked like a boy amongst, I mean, a man amongst boys just skated rings around these people. And yes, Gretzky, I put him in the same league.

It's neck and neck. But Bob, you are transcended the game, man. I never seen. Can you imagine? I mean, 130, 125, 28 points or something as a defenseman.

It's fucking crazy. Crazy. But the Bruins, they lost to Montreal and then beat Pittsburgh and then beat Toronto. Missing all these plays. Like I said, Thornton's in deep shit, I think.

Anyways, enough about that. Right, Santa? Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Shut up! Alrighty. What the hell else is going on? You know, my wife doesn't have a job, technically.

I mean, she's my business manager, but I'm just saying. So it's funny around the holidays. Like, when she gives me a christmas gift i'm really buying it for myself you know and that can be awkward for her i understand we've had some uh we've had a few arguments over that when she gives me my gift uh i turn into uh turn into jimmy conway remember uh johnny roast beef showed up with his wife with the new fur coat and the uh my wife will hand me a gift on Christmas but I realize that it's coming out of my pocket

so I get a little touchy and I sound like this get it out of here take it back I don't give a fuck where you're gonna get it out of here yeah but it's it's in your name on your Amex're going to get it out of here. Yeah, but it's in your name on your Amex. I know. Now get it out of here. Let's do a little...

I was online today and I ran into these... They have these quizzes online. Like there's a test to find out if you're gay. There's one to find out if you're fat. What kind of beer are you? And I thought we'd do this to kill some time before my gig at the mall on Wednesday. Doing an episode of Louie, another episode tomorrow. Shooting that somewhere in the city.

So that's good. Funny dialogue, man. He sends me the the shit i'm just giggling out loud i don't know where he comes up with it he's brilliant and crazy at the same time the gay test the gay quiz first question First question. Excuse me. When you hug your male friends, you, these are the choices, A, are crying. B, are usually naked. C, feel uncomfortable. D, have just scored a touchdown. E, are hoping to score a touchdown. When I hug my male friends, I'm usually doing it from behind in the shower.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't, I'm not, I feel uncomfortable. Even with this, all this, anybody else being bothered by this? We used to just two guys introduce somebody. You meet somebody, you're a friend of yours. You used to just shake hands. Now you have to hug each other.

Handshake's not enough. And I've tried to resist sometimes. I shake somebody's hand, a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while, and I'll try to resist. And then you look kind of stupid. Like, what are you, homophobic or something? Maybe. I don't know.

No need to hug. We know who we are. Question two. Oh, by the way, the answer to that is when you hug your male friends, you feel uncomfortable for me. A little bit. I don't like it. Handshake's fine.

Question two. Guys that have small dogs. It says not puppies. Small dogs in parentheses. Are A. My friends. B. Cute. C. Silly. D. Meant to be made fun of. E. Reasonable. What the fuck does that last one mean, reasonable? Guys that have small dogs. I'd say, uh, I, I'd say, meant to be made fun of,

you know what, I'm in that category, but we got a Yorkshire Terrier, but I bought it for my wife, okay, I wanted a Bull Mastiff, when I met my wife, she had a little, this ugly little dog that hated my guts, and I hated it, it was half terrier, half chihuahua, crazy fucking thing, she had a little, this ugly little dog that hated my guts, and I hated it. It was half terrier, half chihuahua. Crazy fucking thing with a pot belly and little stubby legs. And had fucking teeth on it like a T-Rex. And black gums and bug eyes. And the thing would just look at me and go,

start growling. I used to pick it up and flip it around on the bed and shit and do wrestling moves with it. So that might have had something to do with it. The thing was 18 years old with arthritis. But I didn't like that little fucking dog. But it died. My wife had had it half her life. So her friend said, buy her a Yorkshire Terrier.

She wants a Terrier. So I got her a Yorkshire Terrier. That was like nine years ago. You know what? I love this dog. It's not one of those little fruity looking ones. It doesn't have bangs and shit in a bow. I think it might be a lesbian.

It's kind of a dykey Yorkshire Terrier. I like it. It's tough. You can wrestle with it. I teach it to snap at me when it's trying to eat. I bother it. I pull its tail. Immature. Very immature.

But no, I love this dog. And I usually don't like small dogs. But it doesn't bark. It doesn't yap when somebody comes to the house. You know what I mean? It's nice in the morning. It just sits there in the bathroom, tied up with chains like we have it and doesn't try to get out. It's a nice dog. I really like the dog a lot. So I don't know. I guess I'm meant to be made fun of according to this quiz. Question three, you look in your pants, what do you see? A, bikini briefs.

B, my twig and berries. I don't know how fucking hilarious and original. C, boxer briefs. D, tighty-whities. E, boxers. F, another man. When I look in my pants, I see a pair of tighty-whities that have more skid marks than the third turn at Talladega. That's right.

Tighty-whities. That's how I go. That's how I roll. I must be old. I tried, you know what, boxers. I felt like I was wearing a fucking bathing suit under my pants. I hated it. I remember I was in the green room changing a tough crowd

and Robin, Keith Robinson walked in and I don't know if it was Norton or Robinson. One of them was laughing at balls. I think it was Keith Robinson because they had

tighty whities on. I'm like, what the fuck? What are you wearing? They're good enough for Michael Jordan. Holds your shit together. So,

the answer is tighty whities. What does this have to do with being gay? I guess if you're wearing bikini briefss you're from europe or you're gay we're both uh question four bed and breakfasts are this is very homophobic in nature this test i don't know who did this bed and breakfasts are a places my girlfriend drags me to b places i would like to own c nice places for an intimate getaway d um the best places ever e like serving breakfast in bed i

don't get it i don't get that last choice bed and breakfasts uh they're a place my uh my uh girlfriend drags me to and i don't mean my, uh, my, uh, girlfriend dragged me to. And I don't mean my wife. I mean, my girlfriend, we have an open marriage. She doesn't care. Um, I've been to bed and breakfasts. Norm Macdonald is the funniest bed and breakfast story. He told it on Letterman one night and just made me cry.

Said he came downstairs and it was like a 90 year old guy sitting there. And Norm's like, ah, where's that? What about breakfast? Well, the guy goes, we're not big on breakfast. Ah, what do you mean? The guy goes, well, there's a McDonald's about a quarter mile down the street. Norm ended up going and getting like egg McMuffins. Okay, I've been to bed and breakfast.

I like getting away in the woods, you know. But I get bored really quick, though. You know, not much to do up there. Unless, again, you guys just met. You know, you just met a girl and, you know, or you kidnapped her and drugged her and threw her in your trunk and headed towards Vermont. Then it can be kind of fun. But with you and your wife, same broad you would, you know, or you're kidnapped or drugged or thrown in your trunk and headed towards Vermont, then it can be kind of fun. But with you and your wife,

the same broad you would, you know, 20 years, what are you going to do? Look at pumpkins? Question five. Look at your driver's license picture. How do you look?

What does this have to do with being gay? A, fabulous. B, like a criminal in a mug shot.shot c i have bags under my eyes but generally okay d like a woman uh i'm i'm b like a criminal and i'm uh d like a woman i look like uh bonnie Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde. Oddly enough. Six. At the gym, you mostly A. Hang out in the locker room. B. Try to pick up chicks.

C. Use those three pound weights. D. Hang out in the steam room. What's the matter with hanging out in the steam room? I got to open my sinuses. What's the big deal there, dummy? Hang out in the locker room. I don't open my sinuses. What's the big deal there, dummy? Hang out in the locker room. I don't go to the gym anymore. That's when you know you're really done and married. Because when I did go to gyms, I did go there to look at broads. That's, of course, why else would you go there? Want some muscle-bound idiot to spot you? Come on. Some of the gyms when I was younger,

they were better than dance clubs you know went to this place in malden massachusetts i don't even remember the name of it but uh it was one of those chain ones and uh it was you know malden and everett and uh revere is about used to be 90 italian back in the 80s. And these broads would come in, and I mean, they're wearing spandex and the sickest bodies you've ever seen. And this is a true story. I was staring at a broad in a gym once. This was in Woburn, Massachusetts.

And I was staring at this girl at the time, in her 20s, with an ass that you could crack eggs on. I mean, just fucking frighteningly beautiful. And I'm pulling a 45 pound plate you know off the bench i didn't realize there was a i had i had left a 35 pound plate on in front of the 45 so i'm pulling the big one off as i'm staring at her and the 35-pound just dropped like a stone onto my faggy nylon Nike sneakers and just crushed my toes. The thing hit my toes and it was like sopping up grape juice with a paper towel. You just saw blood come soaking through like in a matter of seconds.

I go limping into the, you know, this is like an early afternoon. There wasn't that many people. I go limping into the locker room thinking nobody had seen me. And this guy comes and goes, oh, I bet that woke you up. I take off my sock and it just shattered. It shattered three of my toes and the like the middle three. And I go to the uh emergency room the guy goes is not we can do for that he goes it's like they x-rayed it they x-rayed all my

toe he goes they look like jigsaw puzzles there was that many cracks i think they taped i can't remember they didn't put tape on them or whatever unbelievable man i was seeing and they say you see stars i never really believed in that. I saw all kinds of shit darting through, across my eyes. Oh, ended up dating that girl too,

by the way. Her mother owned some store. They sold, you know, clothing for the gym. We had the keys to the place. Anyways. How did I get off on a tangent tangent I'm like Bill Cosby here

that was the gym question so that doesn't apply to me question seven whether you're gay or not depends on your gender identity what's yours male

be male seeking male see I choose to identify as a male I'm male? C, I choose to identify as male. I'm male, okay. Question eight. I think I'm male. In the past week, which one of these things have you shaved? A, chest.

B, face. C, my boyfriend's chest. D, all of the above. E, none of the above. They forgot ass. And balls. I shave my balls as much as I shave my face. I gotta be honest with you.

Got a couple white pubes coming in down there. Try to burn them off with matches. They're tough. They're like coaxial cable. You gotta like tie a rope to them and tie them to a doorknob and slam them shut to pull them out. Very tough tough the white pubes only a couple they're sprinkled in there like uh like white audience members at uh you

know evening at the apollo remember that show always three white people in there sitting there scared out of their minds um so uh my face the answer to that is in the past week which of these things have you shaved my face and my wife's back. All right. Question nine. A little fruit is A, a good snack, B, my nickname. That's kind of funny. C, the base for most great cocktails. I'm going to go with a little fruit is a good snack.

Wouldn't you say, folks? I mean, it doesn't beat like a cheeseburger or a quarter pounder or whatever. But, you know, if you want to shit on a regular basis, you got to get a little fruit in there.

Ten. Who should have won the Best Actress Oscar in 2006? A. How could Dame Judi Dench possibly have lost? B. Damn, I watched, but I forget who was nominated.

C. The Oscars, can you bet on those things? And D. Helen Maron deserved it. She played Queen Elizabeth brilliantly. I should know that. I wrote for the Oscars. Chris Rock. Who should have won the best actress Oscar in 2006 that might have been the year I wrote for him for Christ's sake

it was right around then maybe I don't know and I don't give a fuck let's go to question 11 who is Jack Spade A. is that a brand of something B. he played third base of the Reds in the 80s?

C. A bag designer. Hello? D. They make expensive bags that I can't afford. I think I know, I don't know. Jack Spade. I know David Spade has a sister or a sister-in-law. David Spade's sister, doesn't she? She's like famous designer of handbags. But that's not Jack Spade, unless her name's fucking Jack.

I don't know. I'm going to answer A. Isn't that a brand of something? Bag designer. I don't know. Give me that. Question 12. The reading material in your bathroom is A. Harper's Bazaar.

B. ESPN the Magazine, C, Men's Fitness, D, Playboy, E, Playgirl, F, Jane Austen. Sorry, none of that is in there. Okay. I don't have any of that in there I have a old National Geographic it's the same one it's a hot black woman on the front chasing a gazelle with a bowie knife

and yes that's still in there my wife asked me why and I said I'll explain it in the next special, which is, again, coming out at the beginning of next year. Another sense of skill. Question 13. Project One Runway is A, the construction job I'm working on, B, my favorite show, C, something my girlfriend watches, D, a show that had promise but I am over it.

Project Runway. thing my girlfriend watches d a show that had promised but i am over it project runway well i have to be honest here it's a b my favorite show i mean it is terrific it's just you ever see those supermodels i mean they come on they raise them like baby veal you know they tie them up in a pen. They give them, you know, I don't know, like a crouton and an ounce of milk twice a week. And then the muscles don't develop. And that's why they're able to walk on those shoes. Question 14. What do most of your dates look like? Again, this is like how they assume that this is, you know, there's no married gay guys.

This is, these questions all pertain to single guys. What, oh, single woman, what do most of your dates look like? A, Brad Pitt. B, I like boyish girls with short hair. C, sweet and feminine men. D, curvy bucks and blondes. Well, I was single, it was curvy feminine men. D. Curvy buxom blondes. Well, I was single. It was curvy.

It was D. Curvy buxom blondes. That's what my wife is now. More curvy now than... I mean, she had a smoking body when I met her. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying. She filled out beautifully. Most of your dates.

Brad Pitt. What was that movie he was in where he was part Indian, remember? Something, Legends of the Fall, okay? I would have slept with Brad Pitt. He was so hot in that movie. I've said that about a couple of his movies now. Better stop saying it. Question 15, which of these jobs sounds closest to what you want?

A, locker room attendant. Bingo. B, event or party planner. C, truck driver. D, model. E, gay porn star. Ah, boy. I've done a couple of those I drove a truck

on occasion when I worked at the Denver State Mental Institution as a groundskeeper they let me drive the laundry truck that was kind of fun and uh yeah it was filled with retarded people shit in the back it was laundry with uh oh it was just fucking horrendous

um and I gotta be honest with you out of people's shit in the back was laundry with uh oh it's just fucking horrendous um and i gotta be honest with you i this is i know you're gonna give me shit but this is on twitter did a little bit of modeling when i got out of college some local guy called me look him back on it now i think he wanted to fuck me it's pretty obvious but uh the money was good and uh i'm gonna put those pictures up eventually i think matter of fact when my late great friend Greg Giraldo had a show on Comedy Central for a minute, he had me bring in those things. I think we actually showed them on TV. Hey, you did what you did in your 20s to get laid.

You know what I'm saying? Party planner. Why is that gay? I guess it is. That's what Anthony Soprano was going to get into. Tony wasn't happy about that. Question 16. The dress code at your favorite bar is A, as long as you have pants on, you can go in.

B, burlesque drag. C, college shirts, dress shoes, no jeans. D, depends on what the theme night is. E, assless chaps and studded collars. Bing, bing, bing. I think we have a winner. Who doesn't like a pair of nice assless chaps? Huh? Come on. On a brisk winter day in New York, you go to look at the tree, the Christmas tree, and whole family from Idaho is behind you, and you're just standing in front of them with a nice pair of black leather assless chaps. 17, question 17, complete the sentence. I will get married blank.

A, in Massachusetts or Vermont. Jesus, my home state has really got a reputation. B, in a lovely ceremony. C, if she gets pregnant. Well, all of those work for me, and they're all pertinent to when I got married. No, actually, I did get married in a lovely ceremony. And when did I get married?

The church was a sleepy hollow, and then we had a beautiful, uh, beautiful reception, thanks to the wife, I had nothing to do with it, she planned it for months, tell you how little I was involved, she sent me an invitation to the wedding, um, it was fucking awesome, though, it was hilarious, and hilarious and my uh my wife's best friend um her her brother showed up and he grabbed the microphone he grabbed the microphone and started trying to do stand-up it was just just just bombing eating a bag of shit the size of mount rushmore and louis my buddy Louie CK was here. God bless him.

This is why I love him. Louie gets up and grabs the mic out of the kid's fucking hand and just goes, go sit down. And Louie just starts being funny. I'm telling you, the highlight of my life. So that was question 17. I don't know if she gets pregnant. Question 18.

Quick, name a Spice Girl. A, that hot one married to the soccer dude. B, sports ski. What about Kylie Minogue? Eek, I love them. That's C. D, did you know they're getting back together? E, scary, baby, scary baby ginger posh and sporty

um i'm gonna have to go with um the hot one that married beckham don't even know his name anyways 19 question 19 your socks usually a match your shirt b match your pants c are dirty. D match each other. My socks usually, well, they're usually on my right hand, and I sew two buttons on it, and I do a little puppet show for my wife. Question 20. That's about your age. Anyways, I added up my score. It turns out I should be a male figure skater or a choreographer.

That's what it says. So I failed that one miserably. I blame it on the testing. Let's do another one quick. Are you fat? Are you fat? Yes, yes. Question one. Do you drink Coke Zero?

A. Yeah, it doesn't taste all that bad. B. No, I drink Coke. C. I've tried it, but I still prefer Coke. D. I only drink mineral water. Fuck, I drink mineral water now. I have the hardest water up here in northern Westchester. It's fucking hilarious. You should see my shower, the glass in the shower.

Three inches of white paste on it. You have to chisel it off. It's like rock salt. So many minerals. It's called rock salt. There's so many minerals. It's called hard water. It's fucking nasty. I used to drink Diet Coke all the time. That is pretty gay.

Oh, this is the Are You Fat quiz. I'm sorry. I'm confusing my quizzes. But I stopped drinking Diet Coke. I used to drink Bacardi and Diet Coke. You know why I stopped drinking that drink? For a couple reasons. Number one, there isn't a bar or fucking restaurant in the world that has Diet Coke that has any fizz left in it.

They squirt it out of that fucking gun and they give you a glass of syrup and it's horrendous. Either that or they just give you Coke. You go, yeah, I'll have rum and Diet Coke and the bartender will talk to somebody else for two seconds and then have rum and Coke in her mind, his mind. And I swear to God, nine out of ten times it'll be, and I don't like the taste of regular Coke. It's too sweet for me. I know Diet Coke gives you ass cancer, but I'll take the tradeoff.

Question two, you overhear someone thinner than you complain that you're too fat. What do you do? A, pout and think, wow, they must have no problems at all. B, smack them. C, laugh. Whoa, they've got a whacked out self-image. And D, laugh and think, yeah, they are pretty fat. I don't do any of those things.

If I hear somebody thinner than me complain that they're too fat, I, no, I do. I actually smack them. That's right. That's right. I crack them in the side of their head with a nice drumstick. Question three. Okay. You decide to try something on. You're looking at yourself in the mirrors at the store. You think, A, that's it. No more solid food. B, these mirrors must be broken or something. C, hmm, it's cute. D, oh crap. Where did I go? Oh, wait, there I am. That would be B.

These mirrors must be broken or something. You ever go in a fitting room? Are those fucking... Are those funhouse mirrors? Seriously. I don't know if it's the lighting in there. I've gone into a fitting room and looked in the mirror, trying on, like, jeans and shit. All of a sudden, I get, like, a muffin top,

like a 70-year-old woman. This is after... Even after, you know... The 70 year old woman this is after even after you know the only time I look good is after fucking 15 months of P90X but it's the lighting or something you could put a it's just horrendous you get all like

it's just you have no I don't know if it's the lights or the mirror it's just fucking gross hey look at those things it looks like I was never an athlete in my life because you have no, I don't know, but the lights or the mirror, it's just fucking gross. Hey, look at those things. It looks like I was never an athlete in my life. Kind of fucking gross. D, do you feel comfortable naked? A, not at all. B, of course I do. C, usually, maybe with the lights off.

D, no, if I just got down to 90 pounds i'd be perfect uh do i feel comfortable naked well depends where i am if i'm with my wife yes uh if i'm with a uh 18 year old cheerleader we can all dream of course not if i'm running down the street after having a large Dunkin' Donuts, I feel a little awkward. Question five. Many people feel that fat women have a harder time than fat men. Do you agree that society treats fat people differently depending on their gender? A. As a woman, I suffer special pressure to stay skinny and not get fat.

B. As a man, I worry less about getting fat than women do. C, I am a man and I think fat people of each gender are treated the same. D, I am a woman and I think fat people of each gender are treated the same. I would go with, um, um, I don't know. I think there's more pressure on a woman, obviously. A fat woman probably get treated a little worse. Right? But fat guys don't have it that easy either, you know?

If they're going to get laid, it's going to be another fucking fat person. It's not going to be a hot chick. Unless the guy's rich, I guess. But yeah, it's got to be tough if you're a fat broad in the society because we are a pretty shallow society. They say when a guy looks at a woman,

he immediately throws her in one of two categories, a girl I'd fuck or a girl I wouldn't fuck. I only have one category. I'd like to fuck them all, even the fat ones. Absolutely. Never felt that way when I was in shape in my 20s. But now, you know. I don't think the wife listens to this.

Let's hope not. Question six. During recess, when picking teams, you were usually picked when? A, usually last. B, first or second. C, third or fourth. D, sports are for suckers. I don't even get D.

I mean, what is it? Sports are for suckers. There's actually people who feel sports are for suckers. I don't get that. I understand, you know, that they think guys who paint their faces and, you know, spend 19 hours a day on fantasy teams. I think that is for suckers, but sports is not for suckers. I'd have to go second.

I was usually picked first or second. What the hell can I tell you? I was a good athlete when I was young. What the fuck's that got to do with you being fat? If we're playing football, the fat guys, we used to pick them first somebody's got a block uh question seven what do your friends say about your weight a they encourage me to lose weight b nothing they're all fat too c they say i look good d they say i look good but i still think i could lose about 10 pounds that's d i agree I agree. I always hear, I hear this all the time.

Hey, Nick, you look like you lost weight. And it's because they either see me on TV, not very often, but, or, or in pictures and comedy, whatever. I come across horrible photograph. And on, on TV, I look 30 pounds heavier. They say the camera puts 10 pounds on. I'd say it's fucking 30, On TV, I look 30 pounds heavier. They say the camera puts 10 pounds on. I'd say it's fucking 30. But I look horrendous. Even this new special, I look way chubby than I really am.

But they always go, hey, you look good. Well, it's like my weight hasn't changed. My weight's been within five pounds for the last 20 years. And you look like you lost a lot of weight. No, I'm dehydrated. That's the secret. If you're dehydrated I'm dehydrated. That's the secret. If you're dehydrated, you look thin. That's the secret. Eight, you're at home and bored on a rainy Saturday afternoon. What do you do? A, sitting around is always fun. B, watch TV and tell all the stick figure celebrities they suck. D, I call up my friends to chat or read. Oh, that was C,

excuse me. D, it's the perfect opportunity to work out for another three hours. I'm at home and bored on a rainy Saturday afternoon. What do I do? I, uh, well, I used to maybe work out for an hour if I was bored, but I don't do that. Now I get this fucking hernia pending. Something, my guts are spilling into my other guts. Um, I usually lay on the couch and put on something sports related because I'm a sucker. Something, my guts are spilling into my other guts. I usually lay on the couch and put on something sports related because I'm a sucker. And I eat one of those family-sized bags of smart popcorn.

You know the white cheesy shit? You rub your fingers at the end. It's like snot. That's what I do on a rainy afternoon. Nine, you're in line at the market. You see a magazine with the headline, Super Skinny Celebrities. What do you do?

A, think about how nice it would be to be skinny for a change. B, fake vomit. Yuck, that's disgusting. C, wow, thank goodness I don't have that pressure be so thin. D, wow, they look great. I'm going to have to add a choice. I buy it, bring it home, and jerk off to it. And that burns about 80 calories.

10, question 10, do you count calories? A, I start the day counting and then give up around 3 when I inhale a Snickers bar. B, no, what's the point? I eat what I like. C, not really, but I try not to eat anything that's too terrible. D, did I say D twice twice i'm so fucking tired d every uh every single one but it's not hard to count to 100 do you count calories i don't count them but i kind of have in mind what i'm doing you gotta you hit you hit the age of 40 like i said my uh last special you have the uh you know you have the uh metabolism

of paralyzed sea elephant all of a sudden it's crazy anyways uh i added all the points up and it turns out that um they say i'm um i'm fat and gay and that has nothing to do with this quiz. What kind of beer are you? I'm not even going to do that one. I've had enough, and I know you have two kids. Anyways, what else? I did Red Eye on a Friday night. Drove into the city during that rainstorm.

And it was fun. Stephen Baldwin was there, who's an odd character. I liked him, man. I had met him before. But quirky guy. Quirky dude. Gutfeld's a good guy. It's so funny. He gets these condescending looks when I'm answering questions,

because I don't take it seriously. And I always kind of, he'll ask a poignant question, and I'll just do anything to cram in a joke because i don't give a shit and and you're gonna say why don't you give a shit because number one you don't get paid to do that show and uh number two you used to be able to plug your gigs you can't even do that now so uh not really getting anything out of it so i don't really take it that serious and he gets gets, he'll ask the question. As I'm answering, I actually said it to him.

I go, why do you have that smirk on your face, that condescending, he's, it's like rolling his eyes. But then I noticed he does it to other people too. So again, it's my paranoia taking over. But it was fun. There was some hot chick there who was, she was voted Miss New York. She's like 20 years old.

And the girl who books the show goes, yeah, this girl joanne's uh joanne i think that's what it was she's really funny and i'm like yeah we'll see and she was really funny she was like really fun she's gonna be famous i can tell because she's you know she's really good looking and she has a great sense of humor she was well spoken all the things that i'm not but uh yeah and then andy le, who's always funny. I think he might be a lib. He gets excited every time I open my mouth. But it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun.

But I'll tell you what I get pissed off at. I watch that show all the time, and I see, like, you know, the A-list of Fox News chicks, and regardless of what you think about Fox News, they have some smoking broads over there. And every time I watch Red Eye, they're always on there. Kimberly Guilfoyle, McCallum, you know. Coulter I've done it with a couple times. But they're always...

But every time I do the show, it's usually me and three other guys. Although we had this girl, this 20-year-old. That's the fun of doing that show they always put the chick on the end with the nice legs and she crosses her they know what they're doing over there you gotta admit um that's about it kids um i was gonna talk about twitter don't have the energy but people just get so picky on Twitter. Like I played a clip last week, a sports clip of a football game. And I said before I played it, look, it sounded shitty. You can't always find a good audio clip off the internet.

So that's why I prefaced it before I played it. And then some guy on Twitter, ah, that clip sounded horseshit. Hashtag Bush League. Shut the fuck up is that all you get to do really with your life it's like people Twitter is just

I need something that's going to invite public ridicule around the clock don't get enough of it in the comedy clubs anyways you guys have been terrific

come see me Wednesday night like I said Levity Live if you're in the area, if you're in the mall buying shoes. And Governors this weekend in Levittown, Long Island on Friday and Saturday night. And what was the other one? Flying Monkey, Plymouth, New Hampshire, December 27th.

And me and the very funny Bob Kelly, Robert Kelly, the Poconos, Mount Airy Casino on the 30th of December. All right, kids. It's always fun talking to you. Take it out. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen. guitar solo I'm out.