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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Oh, yeah. Seahawks! Seahawks, Seahawks.
What a forgettable Super Bowl, huh, folks?
Oh, well, unless you're from Seattle.
But I had Seattle winning, but not in a fucking rout.
Mother of goodness.
Was that not embarrassing?
I know Peyton Manning said after the game
that he didn't like the word embarrassing
and blah, blah, blah,
but I don't know what other word
you'd use to describe it.
Denvalada, big turd.
It's so funny because I was, you know dvr in the game um first of all it's so hard
for me to watch a game that i don't dvr now but i had set the dvr for my downstairs tv i'm upstairs
i'm messing around and i'm like you know i gotta watch this in real time well you know it's the
super bowl but uh which is very hard to do, because if you DVR all your sporting events
like I do, and you rip through the commercials, and you can, you know, watch a game in half the
time, try watching one in real time, oh my god, you'll crawl out of your skin, it's like, oh shit,
the commercial break seemed like three and a half fucking days. So I'm sitting there and I run downstairs.
It's like 6.02 and I'm like, man, I think I might have missed the...
So I go down and I hit the fast forward button and I see...
I see Peyton Manning running towards his own end zone.
And I'm like, this has to be the first play of the game.
I said, maybe the game started earlier.
This can't be the first play of the game. And I, maybe the game started earlier. This can't be the first play of the game.
And I see the refs putting their hands up in a safety sign,
and I'm like, what?
And you had to know right then.
Oh, you just, it just seems if you watch enough of these games
over the years, if you're as old as I am,
that when they have certain patterns,
and just from the minute that play happened, you're like,
uh-oh, this isn't going to be good.
And he gets that look on his face, Peyton, like his brother Eli used to have
when Eli first came to the Giants and things were going in the shitter.
He'd get those slumped shoulders and that kind of whiny look on his face.
You just had to know this was not going to be good, man.
And Seattle just dominated. let's be honest just physically
both sides of the ball and then peyton i mean throws that weak interception and uh you just
had to know early on yeah look i'm not saying i'm not one of these people saying that oh
you know it takes away from what he's achieved in
his nfl career he's no longer the greatest but you gotta it makes an argument you gotta come on
you know i'm a brady guy then again you know that's the boston bias maybe but uh he does not
uh and again not all him i mean his line was like a sieve. He had no time to throw. When he did, his arm would get hit.
But, I mean, come on.
He's one and two in Super Bowls.
And P.U.
P.U. in the big game.
He did nothing to change that.
Not saying that, like I said, I'm not saying that he's still one of the greatest.
He can make the argument the greatest ever to play.
But, come on.
If we're going to poo-poo on guys like Dan Marino for never having a ring,
you have to hold this guy to the same standards, right,
if that's part of being a Hall of Famer and all that stuff.
But Doug Chittorino, ugh, just mauling.
Russell Wilson couldn't have looked more relaxed.
Just running around, winging it.
And you can see Peyton doesn't have that arm strength
anymore. You know, he just doesn't.
Not saying that was the reason
that they stunk up the place yesterday.
But he doesn't. He can't throw that ball
on a line like he used to
when he was, you know, in college at Tennessee
and then with the Indianapolis. You can just
see he doesn't have that rifle.
And it was so obvious when you'd see, like, after Russell Wilson rolling out
and throwing a couple of BBs.
But, oh.
And then, you know, like Denver, when it was like 22 to nothing,
they started getting mouthy and chippy after every play.
You could see it.
You could see it in their attitude.
They knew they were getting their asses handed to them
and it wasn't going to change.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Goodness gracious!
I mean, I really thought, you know,
I really thought the smart money was on Seattle, but I don't think anybody saw this coming, this blowout.
Christ, that was as bad as almost an 85
when my Patriots went up against that killer Chicago Bears defense
in one of the worst Super Bowls ever.
And remember the 49ers? Remember they mauled?
It was Denver, actually.
That was, I think, one of the worst blowouts ever, too, but it just kind of stunk.
And if you're not from Seattle or you're not from Denver and you're just a football fan,
the one thing you always say before the game, just hope it's a close game, you know?
And Christ, 22 to nothing at halftime.
It kind of stuck, didn't it?
Again, unless you're from Seattle and kids are busting up shit and burning.
I don't know if that was considered a riot, was going on what i just played there but you know they said in in the news today it said two
people got shot they don't know if it was related to the to the party after the uh super bowl win
well then don't bring it up in the article you know but uh college blowing, I just don't get it, man.
Burning shit and breaking shit when you win, I don't get it.
I mean, when my team would lose, I'd, you know,
I'd throw a tuna fish sandwich at my sister's head or something
or give my brother a tit twister until he cried.
You know?
I just don't connect the anger with winning. and i'm guessing most of those douchebags
are kids who never played sports you know they kind of now they want to be part of it and there's
some resentment in there so let's burn a couch let's break some windows So, yeah, congratulations, Seattle.
Well earned, baby.
Well earned.
But Peyton Manning is 11-12 in the postseason, 1-2 in Super Bowls.
What, Denver, what, they turned it over four times?
And they had only turned it over, I think, 26 times all season?
El Choco.
El Choco. El Choco. But, yeah. Just not that
exciting a game to watch. And I fast forward through the halftime horseshit. I don't give a fuck about Bruno Mars.
But how about 12 seconds into the game getting a safety?
That was, you knew something was up.
And then they're opening the
third quarter with a kickoff return.
That just,
that was the nail in the coffin,
wasn't it, folks? You thought maybe,
maybe even
at 22-0 at half, at half you're like well you know
it is the most prolific offense ever this uh 2013 version of the broncos breaking every offensive
so there's a little bitty a little speck in your mind thinking you know if any team could uh rally
and put that many points up it might be this, but then they give up that kickoff return. Oh, that just sucked the life out of him, didn't it?
Sucked the life out of him.
And Pete Carroll, got to give him props.
Guy won a couple national championships at USC,
and people said, well well he's a college coach
he can't handle it because you know the Jets get rid of him the Patriots get rid of him and uh
the players seem to like him you know he's one of those new wave guys he just like uh he's a
a players coach which I think is a bunch of horses that's just another way of saying and
uh he does what we say because we get we get paid him. But he seems to be that way in college.
You know, he's kind of a fun-loving guy.
The players like him.
And, man, he shut all his critics' mouths.
So hats off to Pete Carroll, son of a gun.
But how about that defense too?
That secondary.
Laying the licks on people.
Man, there was some serious hitting going on.
And,
they're just a tougher team.
And that's how football is, folks.
It's like the guys with the toughest,
the tougher guys win. It's like the guys with the toughest, the tougher guys win.
It's like a street fight almost.
So,
yeah.
I think
my Pats would have given them
a better game. People are going to go,
how do you figure that? They lost to Denver. You know what I mean.
Anybody
would have gave them a better game. Denver,
Jesus Christ, they came out flat
god damn
can you imagine now being manning and throwing 55 touchdowns
in the regular season and and that's that.
Nothing we can do about it.
And he's gone.
He's gone.
I wonder what he's thinking.
Payton.
Because he had mentioned in an interview earlier this year
that he knew it was coming close to an end.
I wonder what he's thinking.
I don't know.
What else?
I haven't talked to you in a while.
Mohegan Sun.
I just want to thank the people that came out there a couple weeks ago.
Holy moly.
It's the most people I ever packed into that joint.
There was so many that the show started almost 40 minutes late.
They were moving seats in from other rooms.
It was crazy.
And I think I'm grossly underpaid.
Next time I play that place, I'm going to soak the Indians for everything they're worth.
That's right, I said Indians, folks.
Sue me.
But it was packed.
Thanks for coming out.
Great crowd.
I had a great time.
And it was a pleasant surprise because I had been there, I don't know, six, seven months ago.
Didn't have that great a time on stage.
Crowd was very stiff and PC.
And it was kind of unfun.
And I wasn't really looking forward to going back.
And boy, these people showed up.
Everybody behaved.
Nobody yelling shit out, which is half the battle.
And I had a great set.
Everything was great except my pay.
But I seemed to do well in that room as far as numbers go so uh i'll be doing that again
and then uh that was on the 25th of january which was and then uh four nights later it was i did the
hammerstein ballroom the boomer and carton gig which was a kind of a rough night for me i gotta be honest
uh first of all i get there and uh there's a guy on stage and he's been around i guess i don't know
who he is but he's got a puppet and he's destroying he's ripping the tits off the crowd i mean killing
and he's got a button in his pocket every time he a joke, he'd hit the button and it'd be like a rim shot.
And I mean, just murdering.
And, you know, I'm sorry, but that's not what I do for a living.
Nobody wants to follow a puppet.
Okay?
Nobody.
And he's murdering and shit. And then I see him backstage and i go nice and he goes uh yeah too many dick jokes
after fucking killing but here's the thing i had gotten the lineup from uh boomer and carton
earlier an email and uh it said it was that guy and then i think michael che who's a very funny
comic um he was supposed to go on next and then me after Michael
Che but I get there Michael Che is not in the building um no surprise black comic a little late
and uh I'm a little early and this guy's ripping the tits off the crowd and they think like I look
at the list on the wall it says I'm going on after the puppet and i'm like this is what i get
for being on time being punished so i'm like i look i don't want to go on after the pup there's
a nice girl there jody that was working backstage and uh of course you know now i'm going to get
labeled as being difficult because i don't want to follow the puppeteer and uh so i'm like i'm
not going on i said let's's give Michael Che a few minutes,
and luckily the puppeteer guy went long.
He went over by about 10 minutes.
So at the last minute, Michael Che does show up.
They called him after me begging on my knees, please call.
I hadn't been on, I've only been on three or four times in the last month or so,
busy editing this DVD, so I not a fighting fighting shape as far as
and um anyways michael jay shows up goes on and and and does a nice job because he's a really
funny cat just stands there he's very smooth and he rocks a joint and then uh boomer and carton go
out and they introduce me and um the thing is that the hammerstein and any comic will tell you
it's kind of a shitty place to do standard because the because the ceilings are, I don't know,
a thousand feet high, and the key to a good comedy room is a low ceiling.
And the balconies are way in the back.
You know, sometimes if you do a theater, it still has an intimate feel
where the balconies overhang the floor audience and the balconies
are closed. Everything's a mile away. And the jokes go right up to the ceiling and the laugh
dissipates. And I just, so he introduces me and it's a long walk from the backstage to the
microphone. I'm not even halfway to the mic and the audience stops applauding, which is a pet
peeve of a lot of comics. You can't even keep the energy up till i
get to the microphone and of course i can't let it go right i have to go hey thanks for fucking
you know keeping your energy up till i almost get to the mic and uh now truly i say that and you
know me i'm not mr smiley so they probably didn't like that crack that i was getting on him right
off the bat and then i had a horrible set i did. I mean, I couldn't really hear the laughter,
which is usually a sign.
But in that room, depending on where you stand,
because I stood, I couldn't really hear him
from Michael Shea either
until I went to the side of the stage.
My agent was doing his job to make me feel better.
I said, no, go stand at this side.
David Tao went on after me.
And it sounds much better, the response.
But I still think they didn't like me that night.
And that happens.
What are you going to do?
I was due for after Mohegan Sun, you know.
But I was surprised they did that well at Mohegan Sun.
Because like I said, I haven't been on that much.
So, yeah, I kind of took it.
I kind of ate a shit burger, in my opinion.
I don't know.
Didn't feel good about it.
But I took the check and had to be out of there because I had to be up the next morning at 530 to be on Poughkeepsie to do radio, morning radio up there.
And you're like, why are you doing that?
Because it's fun.
I like down radio.
And so I went right home, luckily.
Didn't even get to see Boomer, who I like very much.
I saw Craig Carton, who I also like.
And so I saw him backstage.
But didn't get to talk to Boomer, you know?
And I know Boomer likes my comedy because he, politically, he kind of leans the same way I do.
And there's nothing funnier than Boer telling that story about the time he bullied
anthony from the whole p.m anthony show i guess they went to the same school together
and uh and i've heard the story from both guys and it's so goddamn funny just that visual of
the big jock boomer picking on anthony and who i absolutely love. It's still one of my favorite stories. But I didn't even get to talk to Boomer.
So anyways, thanks, fellas.
Wish I could have done better.
And then, like I said, a towel went on after.
He seemed to be doing fine.
And I didn't get to see Jay because I had Jay Moore was on last, I guess.
But thanks for coming out there because it was a good turnout for them, too.
You know?
And yeah, that was on the 29th Wednesday. for coming out there because it was a it was a good turnout for them too you know and uh yeah
that was on the 29th wednesday and then uh two nights later it was my birthday
which was friday night and uh yeah 52 and you're like oh why are you telling your age well i mean
you can fucking google this shit people i hear people go people going, I'm not going to say my age.
And didn't do much.
Hung out with a wife.
This is how you know you're aging and you'll be dead soon.
She got me a Henry Hill painting.
You know, Henry Hill from Goodfellas.
The past few years was painting and then selling them. So I got an original Henry Hill from Goodfellas. The past few years was painting and then selling them.
So I got an original Henry Hill.
It is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
It's like it's supposed to be that scene, that famous scene from the movie,
the most famous scene out of Goodfellas when, you know, when Pesci's funny how?
Am I a fucking clown to you?
That's the scene that he painted, but it's hilarious.
It looks like it was done by a retarded fourth grader it's fucking priceless the color scheme's beautiful
but but it's it's five guys standing at a table and it does it looks like it looks like a it looks
like artwork you'd hang on your fridge after your fifth grade your fourth grade kid gave it to you
i was laughing so goddamn hard and it says funny how coming out of one of the guy's mouths
and the guy's seated at the end of the table.
His arms are like 11 feet long compared to his legs.
And his head is like one eighth the size of his body.
I never laughed so goddamn hard when my wife gave it to me.
Oh, so goddamn funny.
Funny how it says.
And go online and Google it.
And Henry Hill's artwork.
I'm dying to, I'll find out what it cost.
I know it's not that much.
It's not a Picasso.
But the late great Henry Hill.
But go look at the painting.
It's funnier than the painting in Goodfellas with the dog, you know, the two dogs going different ways.
With Tommy's mother.
No more religious paintings, am I?
But it's actually funnier than that painting, I swear to Christ.
The guys, they're standing with, they look like, I don't know, their feet are at 10 and, you know, 11 and 2.
And just the proportions are all fucked up like i said the
heads the guy's head is minuscule and um it's hanging in the guest bedroom
what else
uh what else is she gave me an apple box so i can watch, I don't know, whatever. It's just another thing I got to plug in and fucking read about or make heard.
But, you know, I can watch it off my computer on my flat screen down on my man cave.
But what do I have on there other than my DVD, which would be kind of cool, I guess, to see it on there.
So, by the way, the update on the DVDd another senseless killing um it's all but done
i just have to uh the audio is done one guy does the audio uh the other one does the uh you know
the actual the actual visual portion of it and then the guy in the middle says, what do you want from me? So now we have to marry the two,
and I'm doing an episode of Louie on Wednesday,
so I'd like to have something to give to Louie,
because Louie said he's going to shop it around for me,
and he knows everybody,
and I'm talking about Louis C.K.,
that's right, folks.
So I'm hoping I have something to hand to him when I do a show on Wednesday.
And it's a killer, killer set.
I think you're going to fucking like it.
I drop a bunch of F-bombs, sort of like this show.
But it's peppered with F-bombs.
But that's what I do.
It's like a tick.
It's like a nervous tick, you know.
So that should be done.
And then, like I said, we get to shop it around.
Hopefully, Epix, Netflix.
Who knows?
You get CK involved.
Who knows?
What did I do for my birthday?
Nothing.
Went out to eat with a wife.
We were going to go to some pizza joint
we'd been hearing about forever.
Some of those wood-burning joints
because pizza is, you know,
pizza to me is what heroin is to, you know,
not the guy that just died, Keith Richards.
So have a little respect here., so we go to this,
yeah, we go to, to this restaurant, and of course, it's Friday night, and,
here's my, this is me and my wife in a discussion, this is me, again, I was voted class pessimist
senior year in high school, and I'm like, yeah, but it's Friday night, it's gonna be fucking mob,
buh-bye, I think we might be wasting our time.
Why do you have to be like that?
Why?
You got to shit on everything.
You got to ruin your birthday.
We get there.
And I think it was in Irvington, New York.
I don't know where the fuck it was.
But actually, I got to drive up and down the street.
It would have been easier finding a parking spot on Broadway in Manhattan.
So right away, I know, you know.
We open the door.
There's 11 people standing like at the podium where the hostess is in the hallway.
And I look, and it's kind of a really intimate joint.
And people are like, you know what I mean?
Tables are right up against each other.
And every time you go to lift your arm to take a bite of of your slice you're gonna fucking elbow somebody in the face and then the lady goes 25 minutes and i'm like let's get the fuck out of here that's how i am it's how i was raised i bring
it up in my i bring it up on the the new the new dvd actually about my impatience and my negativity
and me on caffeine and uh but that's how my old
man was he'd bring us to dairy queen would pull up to be two people in line he'd go fuck this
my mother would get pissed and he'd pull out of the parking lot uh and i got that from and it's
horrible it's horrible to be like that it really you shouldn't go through life like that you'll be
able to relax but i'm not going to stand there. They had a little bar in the back that held maybe fucking seven people.
You know what I mean?
And it was too deep around the bar.
So I'm going to be five deep trying to wave to the bartender.
Let's get the hell out of here.
We ended up going to another joint in Tarrytown.
It's a great place.
You walk in and it almost looks like,
it almost looks like a,
you know,
not a,
I don't want to say a deli,
obviously more fancy than a deli,
but it's a place where you can buy
like imported olives,
anchovies from all over the world,
olive oil,
all this shit.
And if you keep walking
through that part of the store
to the back,
they have a,
they have a restaurant
and we go there all the time i think it's called uh mint and it's just tremendous
you can get anything i mean it's just they made jerk swordfish for me first time we went there
but but you can get like you know really expensive olive olive oil and shit from Morocco. The guy's from Morocco that runs it.
And, you know, fucking cheese that costs more than, you know, a pound of heroin for an ounce of the cheese.
But it's really frigging delicious.
So, you know, they have 19 different kinds of, you know, brewed beers there.
And I ate like a pig.
You know, you got to do this. What did I have? Moroc kinds of, you know, brewed beers there, and I ate like a pig. You know, you got to do this.
What did I have?
Moroccan chicken was tremendous.
And drank a couple of, three beers from Belgium.
A couple of shots.
And I just ate like a pig.
And that was it.
You know, compared to the days when you were in college,
it was your birthday.
You remember?
You'd wake up with dry, it was your birthday. You remember? You'd be,
wake up with dry puke
on your chest.
Maybe chlamydia.
My friends got me a hooker
when I first got out of college.
It was a Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl
was on January 31st,
my birthday.
I must have been how old?
When I got out of 84,
so I was like 22.
And they pitched in and got me a hooah,
as Ralph Cifaretto used to say on The Sopranos.
One, she was a hooah.
Two, she hit me, Tony.
But I'll never forget that.
So I was banging some hooah right before the Super Bowl,
and my friends were watching.
I had the door open a crack. I didn't realize.
They watched me bang a chick.
Apparently they weren't too impressed.
My buddy goes, what do you got?
A plastic hip? There wasn't much motion in there.
I thought I was doing a hell of a job.
It lasted almost
17 minutes I think.
I think that hook ended up dead.
My buddy said that.
She was from Revere, Massachusetts
and he knew
her cousin or some shit.
Found her somewhere.
Can't believe.
I don't remember
putting a bag on either.
You know?
But I didn't get nothing.
Not even crabs or anything.
That's crazy though, right?
Banging a hooker
without a rubber.
You're stupid.
You're stupid. You're stupid.
You blew it.
But that was my, one of my most memorable.
So you go from that when you're 22,
banging a hooker on your birthday
that your friends paid for
to having a piece of cheese in territory.
What the fuck?
I mean, come on.
It's embarrassing
it's not fair no
so that was the birthday
quiet birthday
you know
kind of boring
boy I was just watching
watching Fox News
and I know I don't care what you think about their ideology or whatever.
That's beside the point.
You've got to admit, and I talk about this on stage,
the pussy is phenomenal on that station.
You've got to admit.
I mean, Megyn Kelly, you ever see her?
It's hard to, you're trying to listen to what she says,
and she has these bedroom eyes,
and each one is like more beautiful than the next, and then Bret Baier has a show, and he has this
correspondent, Shannon Bream, I think her name is, and she, I mean, they're all former beauty queens,
but she's got these blue passing eyes, and this nose like a little bunny rabbit,
But she's got these blue passing eyes and this nose like a little bunny rabbit.
These full lips.
Mother of Christ, you know, you should not be listening to stories about terrorism with your pants around your ankles.
But I find that happening.
It's very embarrassing.
As you know, I'm 52.
But you ever watch?
I mean, it's crazy.
Who else is on there?
Shannon Bream,
Megan Kelly.
I used to work.
I told you I'd do this show,
Strategy Room it was called.
I talked about it on my other podcast.
But I'd be in that building and you'd see Martha McCallum.
I saw her from like a mile away.
She had white pants on.
She had the ass of an angel.
And she's no spring chicken. She had the ass of an angel.
And she's no spring chicken.
She's a little younger than me.
But she was like a mile away, and her ass was so nice, it caught my eye from that far away.
Crazy.
Crazy broads in there.
And my buddy Gutfeld always has a red eye, so he always has some smoking chicks in there.
You got that Kimberly Guilfoyle, who I think she's Puerto Rican.
I mean, she looks like a movie star from the 50s.
Crazy.
Crazy delicious.
Which reminds me, you know, I forgot about O'Reilly interviewed the president, so I just watched it today on the web.
And as Tony Sopranos was on the intranet.
And did anybody see that?
It was funny.
It's just Obama is just, he's so smooth, but I'm sorry, man.
These guys, they can lie and look right into your eyes.
O'Reilly read a question that one of his viewers wrote in saying,
why would you want to fundamentally transform a country that gave you so much or something?
I'm paraphrasing.
And he goes, well, we didn't say we want to fundamentally transform.
You didn't?
What?
What?
What?
What the hell's going on out here, yeah, I couldn't believe it, he said that a
thousand times, it was his whole pitch before he got elected, he's a smooth cat though, I tell you,
but Jesus, and I know they all lie, blah, blah, blah, but holy Christ, he gets, he really, he was
just, he gets irritated, somebody pushes him a little bit, it's amazing, he really, he was just, he gets irritated.
Somebody pushes him a little bit.
It's amazing.
The egos on these guys.
I thought O'Reilly did all right.
You know, picked at him.
You only have 10 minutes.
You can't, you got to cut the guy off, right?
These presidents still blow me forever.
But for 10 minutes, it was all right.
I don't know if anybody caught that.
But right in the middle, yeah, right in the middle.
So O'Reilly's, you know, giving him some tough questions about Benghazi and all the other shit, the IRS scandal.
And the president goes, well, yeah, people believe that
because of the station you work for, Bill.
He's blaming Fox News.
I got to give him credit.
He comes right out.
But that just sounds so petty for the most powerful
man in the free world.
And to just point fingers.
That's why
his disapproval ratings are
way up because of Fox.
Come on. Nothing to do with your performance.
Come on.
Anyways.
So that was pretty interesting.
What the hell else?
Before I forget.
Before I forget.
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What else, kids?
Since I've seen you last, what the hell else?
Tragedy today.
You know, I mentioned on an earlier podcast
that I had gone to
Louis CK's for Thanksgiving
and one of the
there was a lot of famous people there
but probably the most famous
the one I was most impressed
seeing
and meeting quickly
was
Philip Seymour Hoffman
and as you know they found him sunday dead
looks like a uh heroin overdose and uh really a shame man um again no surprise doesn't make it
any less tragic uh because talk about a great great friggin actor. But he was a mess, there's no doubt about it.
My wife picked up on it on Thanksgiving.
And I mentioned this story.
He, Philip Seymour Hoffman,
had brought like a cornbread or some dessert
and handed it to my wife in the kitchen
and asked my wife to heat it up.
And then he like circled her for the next 20 minutes
obsessing on the cornbread and how she was going to heat it up and then he like circled her for the next 20 minutes obsessing on the cornbread and how she was going to heat it up and stuff. And, and, um, and he looked almost
like he was homeless. And it's sad, man. It's, it's, uh, it's horrible, but, um, you know,
I mean, when, when, when, when are you going to learn, you know, and I know it's addiction,
buh, buh, that whole argument's going on,
but I'm sorry.
It's,
I take the side of the people
and say,
look,
it's behavior.
It's behavior.
But,
they found roughly
50 bags of heroin
and used syringes
in his apartment
in the West Village
here in New York City.
He's 46 years old.
Found him unconscious around 11.15am
on Sunday on the bathroom
floor.
So,
Penald's dead at the
scene. He was supposed
to pick up his three children, and there's the
real tragic part of the story.
But it was the last scene at 8 p.m. Sunday night.
I mean, Saturday night, excuse me.
But it's just horrible.
The movie's a guy, I mean, just in his short career,
he's been in some unbelievable scent of a woman.
Then he was Brant in The Big Lebowski.
I forgot he was even in that.
And who could forget his role as the boom operator in Boogie Nights?
Remember he played Scotty?
That was one of my favorite scenes.
If you don't remember, here you go.
Idiot. Oh, fuck, it's idiot. favorite scenes if you don't remember here you go Oh, fucking idiot. Oh, fucking idiot.
Fucking idiot.
Fucking idiot.
Fucking idiot.
Oh, that was one of the... He had a belly shirt on.
Remember, he's trying to pull the shirt down,
his belly sticking out,
and he tried to kiss Wahlberg in Boogie Nights,
which is, to me, one of the most underrated movies ever.
And he was just compelling.
Some of those guys just, like, Paul, what's his name, Giamatti?
Cannot take your eyes off him.
They're just so compelling to watch.
But he was in Magnolia, The Talented Mr. Ripley, 25th Hour,
along came Pauly.
Of course, he won an Oscar and his portrayal of
Truman Capote
so just
an unbelievable talent
and
one of my favorite
roles
that he did
and I don't know if too many people saw this movie
Charlie Wilson's War
Tom Hanks played Senator Wilson back in the 80s who helped defeat the Russians.
And he was so goddamn good in that.
Just a scruffy guy, really smart and very confrontational.
And, well, here's a clip.
He gets into it in this scene with a guy that uh roger from mad men
um forget his forget his name the actor but he's terrific too but here's a scene
from our charlie wilson's war and this is a hoffman he's so good in the becoming handy here
in virginia and i'm never ever sick at sea.
So I want to know why I'm not going to be your Helsinki station chief.
Your course.
Excuse me.
For Helsinki, I need someone with diplomatic skills.
You don't have them.
Is that right? That is right, and I don't know why the hell I didn't fire you when you broke my fucking window.
Yes, sure you do, Cravely.
Look, Gus.
Yeah, your fucking Roger's fiance, and you know I know.
I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Yeah, yeah, you're dignifying her in the ass at the Jefferson Hotel, room 1210.
But let me ask you, the 3,000 agents Turner fired, was that because they lacked diplomatic skills as well?
You're referring to Admiral Stansfield Turner?
Yeah, the 3,000 agents, teaching every goddamn one of them, first or second generation Americans.
Was that because they lacked the proper diplomatic skills?
Or did Turner not think it was a good idea to have spies who could speak the same language as the people they're fucking spying on?
Well, I'm sorry, but you can hardly blame the director
for questioning the loyalty to America of people
that are just barely Americans in the first place.
Yeah, well, I'd like to take a moment to review the several ways in which you're a douchebag.
Get the fuck out of my office!
Yes, sir.
Before I end your career, asshole.
Yes, sir!
Yeah, my friend, I'm gonna need you for a second. God damn it! My loyalty! For 24 years, people have
been trying to kill me. People know how. Now, do you think that's because my dad was a Greek soda
pop maker, or do you think that's because i'm an american spy go fuck yourself you fucking child
oh god he was so funny in that oh man and it's just uh it is it's a tragedy but my
you know
sympathy only goes so far
because
I'm sorry man
it's a choice
to put something in your mouth
in your arm
or whatever the fuck
and
some woman wrote an article
I don't know if it was in
UK paper
whatever
asking the question
why did nobody care
about Philip Seymour Hoffman's drug problem
until it killed him?
Well, because he's an adult,
a grown man who makes his own choices,
and what are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
Fucking lock him up?
I mean, you know,
he was in and out of rehab.
Okay, so don't make it sound like it's cancer and it snuck up on him.
Let's differentiate, okay?
And I, look, and I'm saying this, I get friends who have been clean and sober for years.
And you know what?
And the majority of them agree
with what i'm saying that it is a choice they make no excuses for it i know there's a chemical
imbalance in the brain blah blah blah but uh people say well and genetics plays a role but uh
yeah there's some people who you know have an alcoholic for a dad, but knowing that, they choose not to drink.
They curb their behavior.
But there's no doubt, obviously, once something like this gets a hold of you,
it's got to be brutal.
Got to be frigging brutal.
I smoke.
I'm a casual smoker.
I've been doing it for years.
I smoke a couple cigarettes here and there, and my friends, some of the heavy-d casual smoker. I've been doing it for years. I smoke a couple cigarettes here and there.
And my friends are like some of the heavy duty smoker friends I have are like so envious that I can do that.
I guess I'm, you know, but.
But what's funny is I look at myself as even a bigger puss because I don't even want to smoke those one or two cigarettes that I have.
I don't I can't even like quit those. People go, that's some will I can't even, like, quit those.
People go, that's some willpower.
You only have, like, one a day?
Yeah, at night I'll go out on the porch and maybe have one.
But you know what?
I can't even kick that.
So I can't imagine, you know,
something like heroin or Oxycontin.
I mean, holy shit.
But, um,
you know, once
you're a grown man and you make these choices,
I really do believe
it's a choice.
Robert Downey Jr., Jesus
Christ, who is closer, uh, you know,
to biting the big one than him?
So,
I don't know, folks. it's always the great ones huh
too bad
what the hell else
um oh i just read this. FDA approves pill camera to screen colon.
Of course they do.
Literally months after I had a tube shoved up my ass.
Knocked out and anally raped.
Yeah, now they have a camera and a pill.
This is a mess.
Oh, boy.
A kinder, gentler approach to one of the most dreaded exams in medicine is on the way.
U.S. regulators have cleared a bite-sized camera to help screen the large intestine of patients who have trouble with colonoscopies.
Let me ask you a question.
What other kind of patients are there?
Who doesn't have a problem with somebody shoving a flexible tube up your ass or whatever, knocking you off? Who doesn't have a problem with somebody shoving a flexible tube up your ass or whatever knocking you out who
doesn't have a problem it's an ingestible pill camera from a given imaging it's designed to
help doctors spot polyps and other early signs of colon cancer maybe i can get my sag card it's the
only time i can get on film the uh The Food and Drug Administration cleared the device for patients who have had trouble with cringe-inducing procedure,
which involves probing the colon using a tiny camera on a four-foot-long flexible tube.
Yes, we all have problems with that.
Except for a few, you know, choreographers and male figure skaters.
Yes.
So now it's in pill form.
This is un-fucking-real.
Let's see if the FDA, you know, I wonder how long.
You know what I mean?
You know damn well.
It mentions later on in the title that other countries have been using it.
So, right.
FDA just makes you jump through a thousand fucking hoops and we're always the last.
The Israeli company's technology
developed from missile defense systems.
Makes sense.
Uses a battery-powered camera
to take high-speed photos
as it slowly winds its way
through the intestinal tract
over eight hours.
The images are transmitted
to a recording device
worn around the patient's waist
and later reviewed by a doctor.
I'd like to have mine reviewed by a couple of film critics.
Well, I thought the sphincter was shallow and the shit predictable.
While Given's wireless image-beaming system may sound like science fiction, it's actually more than 10 years old, naturally.
Actually more than 10 years old, naturally.
In 2001, the company received FDA approval for a similar device used to get a close-up view of the small intestine.
I don't know if you guys, obviously a lot of you out there,
haven't had your first one yet.
I had one when I was, I had my first one when I was 40 or 41.
And, you know, you're supposed to wait until you're 50,
but who wants to miss out on that kind of fun?
No, what happened was I was seeing blood every time I wiped,
and turns out it was hemorrhoid blood.
And the way you can tell that is hemorrhoid blood is bright, bright red.
It's not, you know, the artery, the dark, dark artery, you know, the real dark red, almost purple.
That's how you can tell the difference.
But it made me nervous.
I mentioned it to my doctor.
He got more nervous.
So lucky me, I get an extra one of those.
And then I had, that was when I was like 40 or 41.
Then I just had one recently.
And yeah, the best part is the buzz.
They knock you out.
I talked about it,
I think,
on a previous thing.
You get a wicked,
I forget what they put in there,
but you're like,
you're just talking to somebody
two seconds later,
and next thing you know,
somebody's patting you on the head
and you're waking up.
Aye, aye, aye.
I can think a thousand better uses
for that drug
than to see what I had to eat for the last 11 years but uh
no that wasn't a rape joke either hope you didn't take it that way anyways um but i love how they
keep saying it's for patients who have trouble undergoing standard colonoscopies jesus christ
no it's for anybody's ever had a colonoscopy it's uh you know why don't we just put it if it's pill size put it my peanut butter and jelly
sandwich that's what you do with dogs right you put their pills in their food they never know
what hit them an hour later you're you're raping your dopamine sure we've all done that come on
uh givens pill cam costs five hundred dollars
significantly less than the four grand for a colonoscopy.
Wow.
Pretty amazing, huh, folks?
God bless Israel.
In December, Irish medical device firm Covidian said it was buying given for about 860 mil
there you go
company's located
in
Yachnim
Israel
I don't know
how you say it
it was close enough
so if anybody
around 50
because they make
you drink the shit
the night before
I put it up on twitter
i was taking pictures of stuff that i i was shitting stuff off from second grade i'm telling
you paste crayons a halloween sticker that somebody put on my test because i got a d minus
um to make me feel better but um mother of god they make you drink i forget what it's called you buy in the
store and uh you just it's crazy everything in it turns to liquid i remember going i took the
stuff the night before i must have and i'm not exaggerating i must have went 21 22 times then
i'm at the doctor's office the next morning thinking everything's fine because i made it
the other 20 minute drive and i had to go in the bathroom twice more and just clear water's coming just clear water has come out at that
point so i said to the doctor before he knocked me out and anally raped me i said hey isn't a
little bit overkill you make me drink two bottles of that stuff and he said would you believe some
people it doesn't even move their bowels can you imagine being that impacted the fuck are you having
super glue soup and cement sandwiches holy my wife's got a friend who has a lot of problems
with that she she like moves her bowels once every three weeks it's creepy and uh she took
the same stuff as i did before colonoscopy, and the doctor sent her home the next day
because it didn't clear out half the stuff.
She was so impacted.
That is just fucking gross.
That's why I got the NutriBullet, man.
I do this every day now,
and my buddy Joe List had mentioned it to me.
I buy a bag of kale and a bag of spinach and um you know mix
it with fruit or whatever and some water and you hit it's got it's got the engine of a you know a
boat propeller in it and uh 500 horses and uh yeah i have a nice liquid glass of kale or liquid
spinach and it doesn't taste bad because you like I said, you mix it with pineapple or whatever.
And it's amazing.
I have one clean ass.
I have a clean asshole.
Make no mistake about it.
So that's about it.
That's Seahawks champions.
Philip Seymour Hoffman dead. That's about it. Seahawks champions. Philip Seymour Hoffman dead.
That's tremendous.
Tremendously bad news, I should say.
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One other story.
Under the category of incessant whining fucking feminists,
do they ever stop with their never-ending list of grievances?
Them and, oh, it's just so tiring.
I read this online.
It was on the Daily Caller.
Wikipedia, the headline says,
Wikipedia is very masculine. So feminists pledge to fix it. read this online it was on the daily caller uh wikipedia the headline says wikipedia is a
very masculine so feminist pledge to fix it feminist groups at more than a dozen universities
where else we got to blow up these universities and start over uh feminist groups at more than
a dozen universities are planning to participate in another mass edit wikipedia day quote unquote
because the free volunteer encyclopedia website
is so obviously horribly sexist.
Sarah Sterk, a Wikipedia contributor
and researcher for the Wikimedia Foundation,
said the problem isn't just that most Wikipedia users are male.
The layout of the website itself is, quote unquote, very masculine, she said.
It's aesthetically very masculine in its design.
What does that mean, Sarah?
What the fuck does it mean, Sarah?
Masculine in design.
What, is the text shaped like a, is the font a dick shape?
What are you talking about?
She also notes that the average wikipedia editor is a
well-educated white male well-educated white males have been writing history and the story of the
world since ancient times yeah i wonder why that is you all believe in evolution you're always
singing that tune to fix this feminists at colleges around the country
are launching another wikipedia edit-a-thon jesus christ do these broads have free time
when they're not not douching or shaving this is what they do uh next week feminists are
encouraged to change or rewrite the online encyclopedia to make it less masculine according to campus reform you know it will reach the point
where the feminists just realize you know i don't know they just they just i don't even want to say
it not that i'm going to get in trouble who's listening the event is a follow-up to last year's
similar edit-a-thon when feminist sympathizers were called to edit feminist thought into Wikipedia articles. Jesus Christ.
You wonder why the, I mean, what do you, this is,
when do you actually do any study, reading, writing, or anything in college?
It's not like my, it's not like my life passion to make Wikipedia feminist,
but it's been really surprising.
There's this whole underground world that I wasn't aware of,
of people who are dedicated to editing Wikipedia, said Crystal
South, an event organizer with a six-foot beard and hairy, hairy ankles, in a statement
to Bitch Magazine.
She said that to Bitch Magazine.
That's all you do is bitch.
Fucking whining, mustachioed.
The beauty of Wikipedia is it's a public institution.
People have the ability to change it. That's what's stupid about it. I don't even, I don't even get Wikipedia. Every time I go
on there, they, they put shit. Somebody's, when they describe me, he's a standup comedian who
likes to talk about food and politics. That's what they put. And, uh, I don't get it. So somebody
gets to define me, even if the shit is false. I, I, I, I really don't get it so somebody gets to define me even if the shit is false i i i i really don't
somebody has to explain to me the benefit of wikipedia i i i really don't see the the genius
in it i'm missing it the university of texas uh university of iowa michigan state university
and the university of wisconsin madison again most left-leaning campus in the country
are some of the participating institutions.
Oh, go fucking whine.
It's too masculine, Wikipedia.
Just the hatred, huh?
The hatred of the white male.
They just can't help themselves, huh?
And again, I've never seen a feminist I'd want to fuck either.
You notice?
You ever meet a stripper who's an ardent feminist?
No, she doesn't have to be.
She gets what she wants
because she's got nice tits.
That's what's important.
Just get over it, girls.
You live in a society
where, you know,
aesthetics are very important
and if you don't meet up,
that's tough shit.
Tough shito.
What she needs,
this broad, is one of these, needs this broad is one of these
sounds like she needs one of these pill cameras
she had to swallow one of those
to see what exactly is blocking her ass
seems like a six foot hair
but the incessant fucking whining
of this and civil rights groups
and gay groups
do you ever fucking stop
do you give it a rest for five minutes
do you and I'm all for it
anyways that's about it kids uh gigs coming up what do i got again gonna do louis that won't
air for a few months on wednesday and uh then i go to mcgooby's joke house in timonium
maryland which is thursday this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday,
if you're in the area.
Let me grab my book.
Yeah, so if you're in that area, come down and see it.
It's a good place.
I don't, you know, I only go back if I like these joints.
So not a bad joint.
What else?
Where else am I?
What else? Where else am I?
The Comedy Shop on Route 23 in Wantage, New Jersey.
That's February 14th and 15th. One show each night, Friday and Saturday, the 14th and 15th of February at the Comedy Shop.
Got the Patrice O'Neill benefit
on February 18th.
Just Google that for more information.
And Red Eye.
I'm doing Red Eye.
You'll see that.
That'll air probably on Saturday night,
February 22nd.
I'm doing it the night before.
That's about it, kids.
Yeah.
Boring Super Bowl. That about wraps it up. Now what do we do for sports from here on in, right? If you're like me, you start jonesing. You jonesing for baseball. Well, let's put it this
way. I believe pitches and catches are a few weeks out because we are into February, right?
Don't the pitches and catches report at the end of February?
It's creepy how fast it comes.
And then opening day will be in April when my Boston Red Sox will unfurl that championship banner,
their third in the last 10 years, and we'll watch the Yankees who spent over a half a billion with a B, okay?
And I always say you bought your button and you get mad at me, but you went nuts again, which makes it interesting. You know what? The
rivalry's back on. They got all the players that I loved. They bought up. They got that catcher
McCann. I'm still furious about it, but we are the defending champs, and that's just around the
corner. I can't wait. All right, kids? So until I talk to you next time, go make a pot roast and throw it in the pool, okay?
Good night until we meet again.
Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen. guitar solo I'm out. Bye.