The Nick DiPaolo Show - 018 - El Chapo

Episode Date: February 25, 2014

El Chapo

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo podcast back on the air. How are you? Good to talk to you again. It's the worst part of the show, the very beginning. That goes for stand-up too. It's the worst part when you come out. People sizing you up. People, you know, and you have this, you develop this skill over the years.

You can pick out the people who don't like you three seconds into it. You know, a guy with his arms folded with his girlfriend, his head's tilted, kind of cockily. You know. folded with his girlfriend, his head's tilted, kind of cockily, and you know, and yeah, you're like, hi, how are you? Everybody's staring at you, you know, it's like awkward. I hate it. I hate it, beginnings. So how you doing?

Last time we talked, I think it was right before i um did the patrice o'neill the second annual benefit it was at city center last tuesday night and it was uh great great turnout but i mean uh you know you could billy burr on the on the docket and uh dean cook too so how's it not going to be packed, right? I mean, big-ass draws, you know what I'm saying? So that was a great night. A lot of fun. I get there, and the first thing I see

is Colin Quinn in a suit, and Billy Byrne in a suit, and I'm like, what the fuck? I don't even know if they wore suits to Patrice's services, you know? But neither one of them. They look about as natural. You know, they could have been in a suit of armor.

They would have looked more comfortable. But especially Billy. I'm so used to seeing Billy, I don't know, in a Red Sox T-shirt or whatever. Quinn, too. Quinn looked like, well, like you said, in one of his old bits. He looks like a retired NYPD detective but who else was there

Rich Voss was the host did a great job and his wife Bonnie you know you have to have a broad on the show she's very funny I'm just saying who else

big ass lineup uh talent um why am i drawing a blank here like i said dane and uh jimmy norton naturally and um yeah it was killer killer and the crowds will well behave that's not always the case i said to billy i'm like uh boy for an ona crowd pretty respectful and he's like well dude it's not all uh it's just not and it's probably not all ona people yeah and it kind of dawned on me it's probably a lot of his fans who probably well they know him from ona but you know the radio fans who we love whether it's you know ona or stern fans who we love, whether it's, you know, ONA or Stern fans, they're not always the best stand-up fans.

Because, you know, they like it roughshod. So, but, yeah, nobody yelled anything out. I mean, it was the most behaved crowd I've ever played in front of. So, and it's just so fun to be in front of that many people. You know what I'm saying? Instead of being at the funny bone or punchline in Atlanta or the improv and somewhere in Florida to be in front of a, you know,

2000 plus. And it's just, it was so much better than the, uh, Hammerstein ballroom, which I did for Boomer and Carton, just the way that, that theater is set up as opposed to this

um you know it just um but it was it was great and patrice's mother was there i didn't even know it was her i met her once years ago like in the green room at tough crowd just for a second i was on my way out and said hi and so so I see this woman there and she, I never dawned to me that was Patrice's mom. Cause she didn't look old enough to be Patrice's mom, you know? So I didn't even, I didn't really introduce myself.

I just stood over by the food like an idiot. And, uh, she had a few people surrounding her and, and, and Vaughn DeCarlo. I was Patrice's girlfriend. And yeah, it didn't even dawn on me, like an idiot.

And then today, I go to the mail today, and I see a package. I open it. It's a gift from Mrs. O'Neill, a nice watch beautiful watch i guess she sent to everybody who participated which is so unnecessary because i have a thousand watches doesn't anybody know this no because it's a benefit you don't want it you know i mean you're donating your time i don't need a gift that's very nice so now i got uh i have i'll tell you what's ironic i got two beautiful watches now, both given to me, you know, black comedians because of black comedians. Chris Rock gave me, Louie, and a bunch of other guys Rolexes after we helped them with some movie script. I can't remember.

I thought it was from writing on his HBO show. That's what I was telling people for years. And then Louie refreshed my memory and said, no so we punched up a movie script for him or something um and then now Patrice's mom gives me this beautiful watch so which was totally unnecessary great night everybody killed uh just fun to oh Dave Attell naturally who I can't I just I just love you cannot not watch Adele. He's just so goddamn funny. Makes it look so easy. And just, yeah, everybody. Voss did a great job hosting.

Rich Voss, he's kind of a freak, man. I know he's five years older than me. Five or six. He might be 58 years old. This goddamn guy does not age. I mean, you know, he was a drug addict. Every time I say that about people, they're drug addicts. I don't know if it preserves you or what. This guy looks the same the day I met him. Well, maybe, maybe I'm exaggerating a little. Actually, when I met him in 1990, Voss had a mullet, nice greasy mullet. I'm like, what the

fuck? People used to point to his headshot, and they'd lobby a Catcher Eyes and Star and Laugh ad for 20 minutes. But he looks great. Guy isn't changed in inkling. It really bugs me. Keith Robinson comes running in. He's supposed to be on the second half of the show.

I'm supposed to go on after Keith. Or something like that. No, I'm supposed to be on the second half of the show. I'm supposed to go on after Keith or something like that. No, I'm supposed to go on after Colin. Colin switches to the first half of the show. So Keith is supposed to switch with him and go on right before me. And then, of course, Keith comes running in the first half of the show and says, I have to get out of here. I have to do something.

So once again, my spot on the show, whoever's, I like to know who's going on in front of me. Every comedian does. So now there's a big, you know. So Keith fucking runs out it does his set in the first half and runs out and so does colin and uh yeah you know but um this guy harris went on before me who was great very funny and um yeah successful night, I would say. Although at the end, I went to get my coat and I had hung it up in the green room. And I swear to God, somebody blew their nose on the elbow of it. I'm not shitting you. I don't want to be paranoid here, but you know, might have been a few people in there who don't dig my politics.

Not to be, but I'm telling you, I hung it up. I always look at my coat when I hang it up. And it did not have this big, I don't know what it looked like. It looked like somebody jizzed on the elbow of my coat. It wasn't snow. It wasn't salt. I don't know what it was. And I don't know what I did.

Maybe I bumped. Who knows? Maybe I bumped a car on the way in. But, boy, it bugged me anyways olympics is over right russia had the most medals 33 us had like 28 i guess whatever how about putin he has the whole thing right whole, this was like a showcase for him. And meanwhile, you got that uprising in the Ukraine, which is an old Soviet stronghold, naturally.

And the protest is, you know, prevailed. And so I'm, now the spotlight is off Sochi and off Putin. I wonder what's going to go on, you it's it's a good thing for us of course we have a president who probably doesn't even give a shit probably siding with Putin um but it's nice to know people are uprising you know something to do with the European Union they wanted to make an economic deal that was beneficial to the Ukraine. And of course, Putin doesn't want them to do that. The guy that was the president of Ukraine was a Putin puppet. And anyways, they ran him out of town. So interesting stuff going

on in Venezuela. There's an uprising over there. It's crazy, man. It's all about freedom, which is a good thing depends how these things fall though i gotta feel and now the spotlight's off so cheap potent some people can get their ass kicked over there i don't know gonna get ugly but uh what else i did red eye uh i did red eye on friday night didn't didn't announce it on my twitter caught a shitload the next day. Hey, how come you didn't tell us? Blah, blah, blah. And the reason I didn't put it on Twitter is because the last 20 times I've done it, I tape it on a Friday night.

It didn't air till the following night on Saturday at 11. And I guess that's not the case. I guess it aired that night and it airs the next night. Unless I was in error all this time and maybe it aired both nights but i don't believe so i believed uh that it would you know just air on uh saturday at 11 anyways they and they they love to set me up over there they love you know they know they're like i don't shy away from the racial stuff that That's why they always have me on with Professor Lamont Hill, Mark Lamont Hill, whatever his name was. And this week they had some chick, Sunny Johnson, who I don't know.

I guess she writes for Breitbart. She's a black chick from Virginia, and she's conservative in her politics. But I don't know. And she's fine. She's very smart. But, you know, she had to talk like she was street instead of saying with. She'd say whiff and play that angle up.

I don't know why. And she made me feel good because she was angrier than I am. She was just really loud and just... But we agreed on most stuff, and I said it right at the beginning of the show. I said, I just agreed, and I forgot her name ago. I just agreed. And I forgot her name.

I go, I just agreed with this young black woman here. And everybody started laughing. And Godfell's like, well, you were surprised? And I'm like, well, you know, yeah. And, of course, Andy Levy goes, no, he's surprised that he finally agreed with a smart person. A lot of condescension over there. I love those guys. But they treat me like an ass sometimes they're a little condescending

and uh i love the show i'll do it anytime they ask me but uh i don't know these news people take themselves so seriously it's a great show to do gutfell's a great guy and it's fun so is levy it's fun to do but yeah yeah, so they threw me on. They know what they're doing. So she's very outspoken. But she's conservative, like I said, but kind of street. I don't know. It almost felt like an act to me, you know, the street part of it.

Because she seemed very bright. But, you know, it was kind of an Ebonics flair to it that I didn't think was necessary. But we get into talking about uh all kinds of stuff one of the subjects is robin thick the feminists uh robin thick is performing at bu and uh the feminists will want to protest it and have people sign petition they don't want him to come because his song blurred lines they they construe it as it's about a rape and and what else do they ever did they ever fucking their never-ending list of grievances do they ever stop oh but they say it promotes a rape culture and blah blah blah and to sonny's credit sonny johnson

the woman on there she's you know she's she argued against the feminist point of view. And, uh, but right in the middle of a rant, she said something, I don't know why, I don't know why hip hop's always singled out. And of course, nobody else would pick up on that, but me. And we're about to leave the segment. I have my Greg goes neck. They were just about to, you know, the segment went pretty smooth. And I said, well, I want to know, what do you mean hip hop? You wonder why hip hop is being singled out for this type of sexist massaging and all this stuff. I mean, you've got to be kidding me, you know? And I said, you know, I don't remember Sinatra writing songs about, you know, that encouraged rape and stuff. And then she said, what do you think he was doing in his hotel room in Vegas and blah, blah, blah.

And we got into that a little bit. And, of course, she shouted me down or what but what are you kidding me my point was the only time it seems like feminists get their uh dirty bloomers in a bunch is when it's uh a white artist like Eminem or uh Robin Thicke I just said to her I said when's the last time a bunch of feminists went after Jay-Z or P. Diddy this these lyrics have been going on for two decades, and now you're going to take a fucking stand with Robin Thicke? Who, by the way, is huge. The black audiences love Robin Thicke.

That Blurred Lines album went through the roof, I guess. I had never even heard of it, of course, until Keith Robinson, when I had my cookout this summer, I was mentioning my playlist, and he goes, you better get blurred lines. I didn't even know what he was talking about. And like an idiot, I go home and I do it. I put it on my playlist, and that jerk off doesn't even show up.

Typical. Doesn't even show up. So we banged heads about that, me and Sonny. Likeable, though. Not likeable on air. She's kind of angry on air. air but in the green room and i think her husband was there her boyfriend her husband and uh their daughter was very funny so um she was like 12 but she's really smart and uh what else did we talk about on that show i don't know it was a lot of feminist stuff. And, oh, we talked about, if you didn't see it,

now college campuses and feminists want men, boys, guys on campus to actually sign a contract if you're in a girl's room and sign something that is proof that she she told you yes she consented to sex can you imagine this is what you do this is what fucking libs and elitists and so-called intellectuals you can take something as simple as banging a chick and turn it into a uh you know a written contract and again their excuses because there's so much rape going on uh on college campuses and i know it is a bit of a but i don't know how much uh i'd really love to know what the you know what the how much more it's increased obviously i'm not condoning any rape but i'm just saying the definition of rape you get girls you know girls uh filing rape complaints two years after they slept with a guy

that type of shit, you know? So, but yeah, this is their idea. This is how they want to solve it, by having a guy sign like a written contract by the girl. And what absolute horseshit. I just said, hey, you know what, fellas? You college-age guys, just get hookers. There's no paperwork involved. They're there for one thing. It's just cash.

I mean, because if you don't and you hook up with one of these co-eds, I mean, it's like entrapment. There's such a fucking hatred towards, you know, heterosexual men, college age, fraternity guys. Just get a hooker. Let the co-eds play with each other. They don't need you anymore. They give you that point of view every chance each other. They don't need you anymore. They give you that point of view every chance they get.

They don't need men anymore. Let them play with their dildos and watch an episode of Girls. Fuck that. Just get a hooker. Who needs those kind of headaches? You know? Friggin' ridiculous. I would hate to be college age.

That's sexy, huh? Nothing gets a... That's sexy. You got a fuckin' heart on you with an inch is a bang and a chicken oh by the way could you read this in the fine print and and and sign this that wouldn't break the mood would it oh i mean what is going on what the fuck is going on and uh sunny the girl sunny johnson her take was you call yourself strong women and you you know you have to have a guy sign something you can't take care of yourself

which i agreed with her you know uh and again there are a lot of scumbags on college campus i'm just saying it's to that point wow that's just horrendous what else do we talk about last segment was about candy bars that's all i remember i what else do we talk about, last segment was about candy bars, that's all I remember, I said I love a bit of honey, and everybody laughed at me, everybody laughed at me,

marathon bars, remember those, anybody in their late 50s like me, what else do we cover, race wise, I don't know, I i can't remember but it was a good it was uh it got a lot of action on twitter and um people like when are nick and sonny gonna go at it again and we didn't even go out we agreed for the most part because she's conservative but she just said this guy you know angry attack uh she reminded me of female patrice she had to dominate the whole segment you know i mean and i wasn't the one that i wasn't you know and angry attack. She reminded me of female Patrice. She had to dominate the whole segment,

you know what I mean? And I wasn't the one that, I wasn't, you know, and anything I said was construed as, oh, oh, he's that crazy old white guy. But it was fun. I love shows like that. There's a lot of energy and goddamn Gutfeld

is getting very popular. He's off to do some book tour on this giant beautiful bus like a Willie Nelson bus. Kids going gangbusters. And, hmm. There was another regular panelist

on there, a female. Her name's Joanne. She won some beauty contests. I think she's from Queens or somewhere. But she's a regular now and it's just so funny. She's like, I think you're sitting a little too close to me i'm like what the fuck the hell does that mean i'm just sitting where where they put they told me to sit i didn't put the stool right next to you oh at one point we were talking about yeah when we were talking about

robin thick and that whole controversy i actually i really did i turned into a an old man it was so funny i pulled out this um these lyrics that i printed out from chris and chris brown song and i put on my reading glasses and as i was doing it even before i could call myself on it god fuck goes you just turned into an old man and uh andy leaves like yeah i feel like i'm on the o'reilly factor right now and uh well i'm 52 what the fuck sorry if i don't get into chris brown's lyrics excuse me motherfucker anyways it was good good show uh speaking of racial racial stories we got the uh the nfl uh just proving once again political correctness and i'll repeat this for you guys who haven't caught on yet that doesn't come from people on the right

people with my politics all right speech codes and all that shit and and why we're so deathly afraid of the n-word that comes from idiots on the left like i said so-called intellects Like I said, so-called intellects. And, yeah, the NFL, the NFL, this is just hilarious. I couldn't believe when I read it. They're going to try to put a rule in where anybody caught on the field using the N-word is going to be penalized 15 yards. Just think about that for a second. Harriet Tubman, Malcolm,

they must be rolling over in their graves. People lose their lives over the Civil Rights Movement. If you use the worst, supposedly the worst word in the world, you get penalized 45 feet. We're going to walk the football back 45 feet. Thousands of people died over this in a civil war ah it's kind of funny if it wasn't so fucking ludicrous this is asinine to me absolutely asinine you should be able to say any words on the field and by the way they're not doing this you know when they put the story out like that ostensibly people are

going to think it's uh you know they go oh it must be everybody's using a white and black place and that's not the case and i was waiting for like espn somebody you know it's a disney company somebody to state that but they don't you know because perception is everything when it comes to race so you know everybody just assumes, that's because everybody, all the players must use it black and white. And no. And this guy, Ryan Clark, to his credit, who played safety for the Steelers a few years ago, for like 12 years, he actually came out in a story today and said, this is mostly black players saying it to other black players. But they never want to make that clear, like on ESPN, you know.

And I know Richie Incognognito they keep bringing him up like like like people haven't been using the n-word on the field for the last 30 years in this league they keep bringing up incognito to balance the story out you know um but you know how it is the brothers get together and they throw it and they should be able to they should be able to and white plays if you have the balls to try to use it go ahead at your own risk i just don't buy this notion there's a word that one one uh only one segment of the tiny segment of the population can use but it's off limits it's the fucking most asinine thing i've ever heard and and 98 of black people agree with that too a football field you should be able to say

anything you i had the filthiest mouth no i didn't use the n-word because where i grew up we weren't playing against black players and i'm not saying i would have used it i'm like look i'm just anyway you know what i'm talking about um but come on a ball field, an athletic field, really, you should be able to say anything you want, especially a football field. And, um, that's just ridiculous. I used to curse up a storm and this is true story in high school. I had the filthiest mouth on the, you just get so crazy. so crazy yeah your adrenaline's through the roof you don't even know what you're saying out there but i you know i used to curse up a storm um out of excitement you know like yeah motherfucker high-fiving and and you know you tackle somebody and you know call him a cocksucker or something i i couldn't shut my mouth and and and my old man told me this a few years after high school he was in he was in the men's room at halftime taking a piss at one of my games in high school and there were two other guys pissed and they were talking to

each other and they said uh that the palo is a is a great player but man he's got a mouth on and my father's just pissing listening to them talk about my filthy mouth but that's because i hung out with all the kids when i was younger you know i always i first grade i got in trouble for cursing i used to hang out with my sister darlene's friends okay uh they were four years older than me and i'd play football with them and and just had the filthiest mouth i used to come home cursing up a storm. I mean, since I was a kid. And obviously, never kicked the habit.

I enjoy it. It's one of my vices, okay? But as far as the N-word in pro football players, give me a break, will you? It's a football field. So you can try to take a guy's head off and cripple him, you know? But don't hurt his feelings. Paraly know but don't don't hurt his feelings paralyze him but don't hurt his feelings yeah the article said the head of the fritz pollard alliance which monitors diversity in the nfl uh well fritz pollard alliance you're not doing your job because i don't see much diversity that That's hilarious to me. They monitor diversity in the NFL.

Talk about somebody who's asleep at the switch. I don't see too many whiteys in the NFL. Shouldn't we balance it out? I mean, if you're about to, oh, that doesn't count. It doesn't work that way. Diversity only works the other way when there's too many white people. They expect to institute a rule where players will be penalized 15 yards for using the n-word oh my god john wooten he's the head of the fritz pollard alliance they're gonna bring it up with the competition committee and uh i've never heard anything so goddamn silly in my life

we want this word to be policed this is wooten from the parking lot to the equipment room to the locker room. Really? Secretaries, PR people, whoever. We want it eliminated completely and want it policed everywhere. Oh, again, I know the NFL, you know, private company and all that shit, but there's something called the First Amendment. Make yourself familiar with it, you douche. Newsom also said the committee talked about other slurs coming under any possible new rule, including homophobic slurs.

You see where we're going with this, folks? Do you see where we're going? Thanks to libs, white libs, intellectuals, elitist jerk-offs. Unbelievable. It'd be a 15-hour penalty and then you get ejected the second time. How are you going to enforce this shit? Well, if you're the players, here's what you do, players. If you're against this rule,

which I'm sure you are, just everybody yell it. The whole game, yell at each other. What are they going to do? Throw everybody out? Penalize everybody? They can't overwhelm them with it. Because I'm sure that's what the field

sounds like anyways. It's ridiculous. Roger Goodell, have you lost your goddamn mind? It's just so silly. It's never going to go away, folks. You get it? It's never going okay you're giving words too much power they're gonna start talking about next week in naples that's what it says naples florida by the way much disrespect is being uh done to the league that's what they're saying to the game which may or may not be true but I think you can't walk this one back. If you're going to do that, then can the players listen to hip-hop? Can they listen to it? And if you say yeah,

then you're being kind of hypocritical, aren't you? So you're going to tell them that they can't listen to hip-hop in the locker room and stuff? I mean, where do you draw the line? You know what I'm saying? I think it's absolutely ridiculous. There's one place on this planet you should be able to say anything.

Sick stuff. It's a football field. I remember in sixth grade, I'll never forget it. We came in for recess, and one of my best buddies, Jonathan Katz, his name was, not the comedian either. And I went, I didn't know my teacher was behind me, Miss, what the hell is that, Miss Baker. And I went, Katz, you cocksucker.

Just like that. And I hear, Mr. DiPaolo, that language belongs on a ball field, not in the classroom. And she shouldn't have told me that because every time I got on a ball field, I thought that was a green light. I mean, come on, come on, you motherfucker. Come on, swing, you stupid bitch. Just filth coming out of my mouth. Oh, man, didn't like it either.

He cracked across the face a few times. But anyways, I think that's ludicrous. I man didn't like it either. He cracked across the face a few times. But, anyways, I think that's ludicrous. I don't know how you feel. But, although, don't you wish

Vince Labonte was around? What? What the hell's going on out here? That's probably his response if he heard that. But I wonder

if it was going on back then. I doubt it very much. But what is happening? I mean, can't target guys' heads. Can't use the N-word. What are you doing, Goodell? You're taking all the fun out of it.

Oh, mama mia. So, hey, Colin, let me know how you feel about this oh that's right you can't it's a podcast but uh let them do what they want could you please thank you what the hell else folks um oh i went to see and don't laugh at me because i've been busy i went to see, and don't laugh at me because I've been busy. I went to see, finally, Wolf of Wall Street last night. It was great. I went by myself. Wife wasn't feeling good. I'm like, honey, you want to come?

And she's like, no, my stomach. And I'm like, oh, that's too bad. Meanwhile, I couldn't get my coat on quick enough. You know, because I heard there was a lot of sex scenes and shit. I don't want to sit next to my wife drooling over some bra. Anyway, speaking of bra, mama me, I'm sure you've all seen the movie, but what's the girl that played DiCaprio's wife in the movie? What the hell is her name?

Margot Robbie? I think she's Australian. Holy effing moly. Mother of God. Oh my goodness. Gracious Heloise. She is a 19 on a scale of 10. I exaggerate not.

I'll tell you. I'd let her. Anyways, I won't get into detail. But smoking on another level. I mean, look at Hollywood. You have all that kind of ass. But she was unfreaking believable. And DiCaprio, I absolutely love the guy.

Love him. He had me hooked at Gilbert Grape. I'm like, this guy can freaking act. And This Boy's Life with De Niro and The Departed and whatever else. Titanic, I know that was kind of cornball, but the guy's got it. He's one of those guys that could have been a movie star back in the 40s and 50s. I think. Some people, I don't think he can. How do you know you don't think he can act? Have you ever taken an acting lesson yourself, you dope?

I can't have people who say that. It's a lot harder than it looks. But he was hilarious. And Jonah Hill was hilarious. And the script was pretty damn fun. It was entertaining. It's not up there with the good fellas. And, you know.

Although, it's funny. It's going to be one of those ones, like when Scarface came out. Didn't do a lot of box office, didn't do very well there, but once it got on cable, became this cult classic. I think this might have kind of that effect, you know, and there was a lot of sex.

Scorsese, I mean, you saw more of DiCaprio's ass than, you know, it's like, it's almost like, I'm watching it going, Scorsese's living out these like sexual

fantasies you know between using dicaprio like the most beautiful people in the world and uh this jordan belfort what a piece of work he was my god and it reminded me of and i talked about this on a previous uh podcast my one of my first jobs when i got out of college was a door-to-door salesman selling meat and seafood and my boss uh we'll call him denny um i probably already mentioned his name in the first podcast but he were he was like a jordan belfort he was only a couple years older than me he was driving like a hundred thousand dollar porsche and he had his hair slicked back and nobody knew his real last name and he was just this go-getter this he'd get us in a room and pump us up before we went out and and then on Fridays uh Friday

nights he'd have a silk sales contest on for every Friday and would meet back at the office like at seven o'clock on Friday night after banging doors from 9 in the morning. Whoever sold the most boxes of food would get some type of gift. Whether it be cash or whatever. But him and his partner, they liked their white powder. And it was the middle of the 80s. And would start drinking at the office of the 80s and it would would start drinking in the would start drinking at at the uh at the office in the conference room and he had a condo a beautiful condo up in

ipswich matt ipswich uh massachusetts which is up where i grew up in that area which is you know 30 30 minutes out of uh out of wherever we work in boston Alston. And so he would get in his Porsche, and his partner had a sports car, and they would race to Ipswich. And, you know, the rest of us would chase them in our Azuzu Pups. That's what we would rent an Azuzu Pup with a cooler in the back with a block of dry ice. That's where we kept our product. backpack with a block of dry ice that's where we kept our product so picture like tanazuzu pups chasing a porsche on route 128 north in massachusetts and would race up to his condo and then get there and just debauchery went on he had all these hot broads coming over there was

coke everywhere it was it was it was a glorious time as hen Henry Hill said. And this movie reminded me of it. I mean, there was chicks every weekend up there and all kinds of shit. And, oh, God, I'd kill to be 22 again, 23. But I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. I really did, man. It's Scorsese, man. But that broad that played the wife,

she's going to be in everything from now on, I've got to believe. Mother of God. I thought she laid it on a little thick with the New York accent. It's almost like she was doing an impression of Marissa Torme and my cousin Vinnie,

I believe. Is that correct? But Jesus Christ. There's a scene of her sitting on the floor in the bedroom with no panties on, supposedly, whatever. And he's crawling towards her. I was fucking gut laughing. It's as funny as movies I've seen in a long time. Just gut laughing.

This guy had balls of steel. You know, that horrible 1%, that alpha male who has the balls and take advantage of our free market system. People poo-poo on you. He was a crook. Absolutely. But who the hell is it? Who the hell is it? I mean, the meat I was selling door to door rare coins over the phone and uh i mean i'm talking like 25 30 000 coins and um i was great at the door-to-door stuff

and um i couldn't sell a coin nobody could i mean once a month somebody in the office would sell you know a double eagle or something. And people would celebrate, like, the coming of Jesus. And it was brutal. But it was that same, it was that same, I don't want to say boiler room. It was the top of a skyscraper. It was this beautiful, like when you go to visit your financial Merrill Lynch guy, you know. It was beautiful. These beautiful offices. And I had to wear a suit and tie and just ridiculous.

Not making a penny. It was just horrendous. It lasted about eight months, I think there, not even. Went back to the, then I went on to the um the marketing invention company which i think i told you about people who send in ideas for great inventions and uh we do research and it's kind of a looking back on it oh by the way the new england rare coin galleries that was the name of it i went back uh yeah when i when i left there I left there, I'm watching the news one night. I see my boss being let out in handcuffs.

Apparently, all the coins weren't up to snuff. I was a crook. Oh, my God. You have no idea. You're out of college. Everybody's got a suit on. Everybody's 20 years older than you. Like a legitimate firm, you know. Just looking to make a living.

So, but if you haven't seen it, which I'm sure 98% of you already have, go see Wolverine Wall Street. DiCaprio. Love the fucking guy. What the hell else, folks? The other big news they bagged them el chapo joaquin el chapo guzman he was apparently the most wanted guy since al cap, and they busted him. Mexico captures a Sinaloa cartel boss, Chapo Guzman.

Busted him in, what is it, Mazatlan? I don't even know how to say it, Mazatlan in Sinaloa State. It's in some apartment complex. The operation took place betweenary 13th and 17th and focused on seven homes connected by tunnels and into the city sewer system oh my god homeland security helped out with the u.s and mex Mexican authorities to find them. So, nice job Homeland Security. Um, can you imagine though? This guy was

like the real deal. Oh wait, hold on. Call your dog off me, Seidelbaum. I want to call my lawyer. I know all that bullshit, Seidelbaum. Save your breath. You got nothing on me. You know it, I know it.

I'm changing dollar bills. That's all. You want to waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer. He's such a good lawyer

that by tomorrow morning, you're going to be working in Alaska. So dress warm. Thanks for the fashion tip tony hmm yeah this guy's his uh drug empire christ stretch from north america as far as europe australia it's amazing man didn't even finish like third grade imagine the ruthlessness and the shit this guy did um just crazy the mexican navy raided uh his house the house of his ex-girlfriend grizelda lopez earlier in the week and found a cache of weapons in a tunnel in one of the rooms that led to the city's suicide system and they believed that's how he escaped at the last second

but then they arrested him uh at a condominium later on. But a few years ago, he had, in 2001, he bust out of prison in a laundry truck. Jesus, what are they, behind the times security-wise? A laundry truck. I mean, come on, that doesn't happen anymore, does it? What happened was he was living up in the mountains, and I guess he got tired of hiding up in the mountains. You know, he couldn't enjoy his money.

So he started coming into the city of Kuklakan. Mazel Tov. I don't know how the fuck I can say it. And that's where they busted him. I guess authorities are hoping that Mexico is going to extradite him to the U.S. because, you know, everybody's so corrupt over there, as opposed to the U.S., they're afraid he's going to escape from prison again, like he did in 2001 in a laundry truck. So hopefully they're smart enough to send him over here.

here so but i guess uh for years the rumor was that um he was being protected by the president of mexico felipe calderon's government because a lot of uh a lot of el chapo's top rivals were disappearing you know mexican drug cartels um yeah a lot, a lot of his competitors were being wiped out. Aggressive assaults by the Mexican military and federal police have also all but dismantled the leadership of the Beltran Leve and the Zetas cartels. They were both huge rivals of El Chapo's. So the government was can you imagine? What a filthy business.

But they say Christ since his reign probably 70,000 people have died because of this. And I guess he's got a partner Ismael El Mayo Zambada

who's still at large. And a lot of the experts say nothing's going to change as long as this guy's still out there. The cartel's going to continue business as usual. His fortune was up to a billion dollars. Forbes magazine listed him as among the world's most powerful people, ranked him above the president of France and Venezuela. That's a big bust, folks.

But, I mean, unless you get his partner, Manololo. Do you know what I'm saying? But they've been after him for a long time. This guy's been doing all this, by the way, since like 1995. He's had a $7 million bounty on his head. 1995. He's had a $7 million bounty on his head. In 1995,

the U.S. federal government charged him and 22 members of his organization with conspiracy to import over eight tons of Coke and money laundering. Back in 1995. Slippery, son. He's like a magician no more though in 2013 he was named public enemy number one by the chicago crime commission only the second person to get that distinction

after u.s uh prohibition era crime boss Al Capone received it. Woo! 70,000 people, they say, have probably perished since they've been chasing this SOB. Good work, Homeland Security and Mexican authorities. Whoa. What the hell else, folks? God damn. what the hell else folks god damn oh the Olympics I already talked about the Olympics hockey team

didn't even get a bronze they kind of laid down they laid down and who beat them Finland shut them out I think in the bronze medal game that was pretty putrid Canada by far the best, which is no big surprise.

Alec Baldwin in the news. Entertainment news. He's threatening to leave New York City for L.A. I probably have to move out of New York. Everything I hated about L.A. I probably have to move out of New York. Everything I hated about L.A. I'm beginning to crave. That's what he said. L.A., eh, don't let the door hit you in the ass. Again, I like him on SNL, but he's just a fucking liberal douche.

L.A. is a place where you live behind the gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that stuff, he says, but New York has changed. Some truth to it, but... Hey, you wanted the fame and fortune, Sonny. But some of these paparazzis really deserve to be smacked in the face. But, you know, he's gone on some rants. He's like any other liberal, just a fucking hypocrite.

In November, Baldwin lost it with a photographer near his apartment calling the guy a cocksucking fag. Of course, he said, Baldwin admitted to saying cocksucker but denied using

the fag word. Gee, they seem like they're synonymous, aren't they? And then he trashed MSNBC because remember

his show fizzled there. So it hasn't been a good year for that guy. And frankly, I don't give a shit. There's a picture of him and his, is that his nanny? I hope that's the nanny and not his wife. Oh, my God, his nanny looks like, you know what his nanny looks like? It's page 11 on the Post today. By the way, it's Monday. I the post today by the way it's monday

i don't know when you're gonna be listening to this but uh she looks like remember cape there with the narrow do you remember uh when he sneaks into the house and dresses up like the maid in the kitchen and and kills the cop or the sheriff or whoever it was. She looks just like... It's uncanny. So, all right, Alec. I probably said Alex, right? Have fun in L.A., Alec. He's such a New Yorker. He's not going to go out there.

He'll be tired of that. What do you think, paparazzi's going to leave you alone out there when you go to the airport? Be right up your ass. Bill Maher, what's he whining about? I can, boy, you know, HBO, I flipped through it, and he's on around the clock.

It's like his show is on a loop, and some nights I can take it, other nights, yeah, he just makes me crazy. But what's he whining about now? Um, what's he whining about now? Um. Oh, he's talking about like newspapers.

How they were better as far as delivering the news, I guess. As compared to the internet. Um. Because the internet personalizes your content, you know? And he says, do you know what I saw on Yahoo's front page this morning? No, you don't, because mine isn't the same as yours. People get news feed now that just spit back customized stories based on what we've clicked on in the past.

So I, for example, he says, might see a lot of stories about pot, American history, and of course, Christian Mingle, which is always him being ironic. Where Ted Nugent gets ads for Prozac and bullets. So, yes, welcome to the brave new world of micro-targeting. Which, look, is often harmless. Bah, bah, bah. but he's complaining that you know what he's really complaining about is is things like fox news you know stuff that he doesn't agree with there's too much of that out there paper tracks the news you're interested in gives you more uh of that and less of everything else

never burdening you with contradictory information or telling you anything new that's what makes it news but only seeing the stuff that already confirms the opinions you already have isn't news it's fox news yeah like abc cbs nbc fucking msnbc newsweek time weren't all fucking liberal for the last 40 years it's unbelievable they really are fucking just blind it's just hilarious that's what he's really complaining about that the other other side is represented now all we have as far as people like me is is as fox knows and and and talk radio you still have every major network wrapped up in and washington post and the la times and cnn and msnb you got it what are you fucking whining about? Are you kidding me?

Seth Meyers tonight. I guess tonight's his first night, right? Taking over for Fallon's old show, Late Night, whatever the hell it's called. I don't even know the name of the show. Do you believe this, folks? I'm in this business. Don't even give a rat's ass. He's a good guy seth i met him years ago right right after he i don't think he i don't think he was doing a weekend update yet but right before that i don't know maybe he had been but i was i was with the neil brennan and him and we were walking to something called the Boston Comedy Club in the village,

and Seth is with us, and it doesn't even dawn on me that it's Seth from SNL. This is how bad I am and why my career. Finally, like, I hear, you know, Neil call him Seth, and I go, oh, Seth, I apologize to him. I'm like, oh, my God, I didn't realize it was you. And then, you know, Neil call him Seth. And I go, oh, Seth, I apologize to him. I'm like, oh, my God, I didn't realize it was you.

And then, you know, we went upstairs at a Boston Comedy Club. There's about 15 people in the audience. And I went on and did this anger-fueled set that I'm sure Seth was appalled with. I remember being really right-wing that night. But he's a nice guy, nice enough guy. So good luck to him and uh fallon first week tonight show uh it was good you know except for uh michelle obama doing that dumb sketch where she had to promote her healthy eating thing is that please tell me that's not going to be how they handle politics which it probably is jimmy's kind of a jimmy's a lefty but he's not uh in your face

you know he's just a funny good guy and uh but i hope it's not going to be like a safe haven you know i mean but um it was good a little too rah-rah but that's the first week of the you know first week being back in new york after 42 years but a little too much little too rah-rah, but that's the first week of it. You know, first week being back in New York after 42 years. A little too much energy and rah-rah stuff. I don't like when he comes through the curtain and he claps. I hate that. I did that the first time I was on TV, MTV, half hour, comedy hour. And it just drove me nuts for the next two years looking at that tape of me coming through the curtain applauding.

Because it's sort of like when the guy gets a touchdown and dances for five minutes you know how they say act like you've been there before that's how i feel that's what jimmy should do when he comes through the curtain he should own that place i love the way he stands he's got the same posture as johnny you can see him almost slipping into johnny mode you know and as far as the monologue i don't know it seemed dumbed down a little bit to me as opposed to what he was doing on his late-night show. I always liked his monologues on his late-night show. I thought they were smart and funny and kind of pointed jokes,

but it seemed to me, I could be imagining, it seems like they're already trying to water it down a bit, and he was stepping on his own punch lines a lot of nights you know like when jay would tell a joke and then kind of tag it five times like explain the joke to you after the punch line you gotta let the audience you know laugh at it before you tag it it seemed like he was rushing again i gotta believe this is first week jitters or adrenaline how couldn't he be so psyched you know but um and i don't i don't understand why you load up on the greatest guests in the world the first i know it's about ratings and

stuff but i mean they had everybody everybody who was anybody in show but huge names show up the first week what are you gonna do from here on in you know be interviewing some actress from, you know, girls or NCSI or whatever. You know, those shows turn into that type of stuff. But I think he's going to be great for it, Fallon, because he can do anything. I mean, musically, that gives this show a lot of, you know, a lot of range. So I think he's going to do good. And one of the nicer guys in the biz. So I don't know what to do.

I want to do a set on there, but I did it. Like I said, I've done Letterman a couple times, The Tonight Show a couple times, and you don't get to, you really don't get to show you. You can be TV funny and clean, I guess, but it's just kind of boring. You know? I guess I'd like to do it because I like Jimmy,

but you know what I mean? You're going to do five TV clean hacky minutes? Don't have to be hacky, but I don't know if it's worth it. I'd rather put out like an hour. And again, by the way, I'm still editing this hour, folks. It's turning into a little bit of a pain in the ass, but it'll be done soon, hopefully. Other showbiz news.

Piers Morgan. Quit. That's all I get to say about that. See ya. Another lefty gone. That's about it. That's about it. That's about it, folks. I want to have more guests on this show, but again, I live, you know, three minutes from Albany.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, but I'm way the fuck up in the woods. And I don't blame people for not wanting to make the trek. But what the hell else uh somebody sent me this article uh it's called the state with no republicans just do a little politics before i wrap it up here very interesting note this uh this u.s state with zero republicans in office the state of illinois think about zero Republicans in office, the state of Illinois. Think about this. Some interesting data on the state of Illinois. There are more people on welfare in Illinois than there are people working.

Chicago pays the highest wages to teachers than anywhere else in the U.S., averaging $110,000 a year. I don't mean that as a positive. Their pensions average 80 to 90% of their income. Be sure to, let's see, in the last six months, 292 people have been murdered in Chicago in the last six months.

221 in Iraq. And Chicago's got some of the strictest gun laws in the U.S. Then they put the Chicago chain of command. President Barack Obama, Senator Dick Durbin, House Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr., Governor Pat Quinn, House Leader Mike Madigan,

Attorney General Lisa Madigan, Mayor Rahm Emanuel, the leadership in Illinois, all Democrats. They're all blaming each other, it says, because they can't blame Republicans. Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the u.s state pension funds 78 billion 78 billion with the b in debt worst in the country cook county has a sales tax of 10 and a quarter percent highest in the country george ryan is no longer governor he's in prison r Ryan was replaced by Rob Blagojevich. Remember him? That's right. He's in jail.

And Representative Jesse Jackson Jr., who resigned a few months ago, and he's in jail. Oh, Chicago. Nothing's going to change. Nothing. Make a mental note, would you? And then it lists a bunch of U.S. presidents

and the percentage of people in their administrations that came from the private sector, the business sector. Teddy Roosevelt had 38, Taft had 40%, Wilson had 52% that worked in the business sector um teddy roosevelt had 38 taft at 40 percent wilson at 52 percent that worked in the business sector harding 49 coolidge 48 hoover 42 franklin roosevelt 50 percent truman 50 percent eisenhower 57 percent jfk 30 percent johnson 47 percent Nixon, 53% came from the business sector. Ford, 42%. Jimmy Carter, 32%. Reagan, 56%. G.H. Bush, 51%.

Bill Clinton, 39% came from the business sector. G.W. Bush, 55%. Obama, 8%. You're going to tell me it doesn't make a difference? 8%. You're going to tell me it doesn't make a difference? Only 8% of them in his administration have ever worked in private business. Aye, aye, aye. Gee, it doesn't show, does it?

Anyways, that's it, kids. A little bit of everything. A little politics entertainment so uh that's it baseball's right around the corner thank god I love to pick up the newspaper

and you see it in there you see picture Jeter all sweaty field and ground balls. God, again, I read the Yankees lineup. It makes me sick what they did.

And they just gave Gardner. Brett Gardner just got a big contract. Like 52 mil for like, I don't know what it was, four years or something. Crazy. I mean, how much money do you have, for Christ's sake? Gave Elsby at like 153 mil how many fast outfielders do you need but that's right around the corner which makes me uh excited cc sabathia i can't believe how skinny the guy is and the red socks, very quiet over the offseason. So they're throwing barbs at each other, by the way. Larry Lucchino for the Red Sox and the Yankees office.

I guess Lucchino said, look, we're a different animal. We go after short contracts for not big money, and the Yankees are different. You kind of give them a little zing, and then the Yankees came back with, yeah, well, they were a last place team two years ago, blah, blah, blah, and they think that the Red Sox upper brass

is getting spooked by all the money. So they're digging at each other, which is the way it's supposed to be, right, folks? That's become a little, the rivalry's become a little too friendly i think it's time for uh well you can't have a collision at the plate to start a fight but this we we have to there's gonna be some beanballing going on or something it's getting a little a little too friendly like that i still uh i miss the old days of thurman Munson and Bill Lee. Mickey Rivers sucker punching people. I think we got to bring a little of that back to the... But it's right around the corner, and that's a good sign,

because I can't take another fucking minute of winter. Anyways, kids, that's it. Until I talk to you next time, take care of yourselves. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, I'll be your... what's up kids hey uh why a raise is so expensive maybe it's because those billion dollar shave companies take ten dollars from every razor they sell and give it to some millionaire celebrity athlete. They're trying to make their overpriced razors look cool, but you know what? Us guys have figured out this scam, haven't we? Ask yourself, do you need some over-muscled millionaire athlete telling you how you're supposed to shave?

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