The Nick DiPaolo Show - 031 - Victoria Day

Episode Date: May 20, 2014

Victoria Day

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo podcast. Can you tell by my mellow tone that I really don't feel like doing this? Just, I don't know, slow week week what do you want me to tell you slow week in the suburbs went for a walk as i do every day now like a 90 year old man because my knees are creaking and uh can't do anything more strenuous than that. So I go on like these 90-minute, two-hour walks sometimes. And it's good. I bring my phone, which I record my sets on when I'm doing the clubs in the city.

And then listen to them when I'm walking. And that's where I come up with the gems. That's how you do it. You've got to record if you're a young comic. You've got to record every set and force yourself to listen to it, which is the worst part. But it's a necessity because while you're listening to it, you'll come up with ideas,

even if you're not being funny that night on the recording. And it's a great way to do it. It's a pain in the ass sometimes, but it's what I do. I put my headphones on. I put on my Who Farted t-shirt and my tight red leather shorts, and I go for a walk and scare the neighbors.

And yesterday I walked all around. I went up by this park near my house, and here's the sad part, all right? Not one baseball or baseball glove seen in the whole two-hour walk. Saw three soccer games going on with the little faggy kids out there kicking their faggy ball in their faggy shorts.

I understand you don't want them to play football because they might get knocked on their ass, have to get back up and learn how life really is. But, look, I'm half kidding. It's good that the kids are playing sports, period. But I'm just saying. I didn't see any. And I'm sure there's baseball diamonds somewhere.

Just not in my town. Bunch of communists up here in Westchester. Just soccer everywhere. Soccer. So I just went and stood by one of the fields. And you look like a creep. You're by yourself now. You know, it's the times we live in.

They're like, hey, who's that guy with no kids why is he watching the game and and i just uh stand on the sideline and yell profanities at the kids kick the ball you little go ahead you little girl kick it it's a it's a good sport like i said uh i've done many bits on how much I don't like soccer, and it's a good spoil. Like I said, if you want to watch people playing in the neutral zone for four and a half hours,

it's terrific. Yes, I know they're well-conditioned athletes. That's the other argument. I know that. That's true. That's all they are. If hitting a baseball

is the hardest thing to do in sports, then kicking a soccer ball must be the easiest. That's a good quote, actually. So that's all I saw was soccer games going on. Oh, everybody pulling up in their SUVs and a bunch of kids. There were two games going on with little kids. And I just stood on the sideline and cursed at them.

The parents were like, who's that guy? And then there was another soccer game going on, which was adults, guys playing. But no baseballs anywhere to be seen. Professional baseball is cutting its own balls off, and has been for years by broadcasting games that start 99% of the schedules at nighttime now, 8 o'clock, whatever. So little kids can't go to games, right? It used to be back in the day you could watch afternoon games. And then they wonder why kids aren't playing that much anymore and doing other things.

They're kind of cutting their own balls off, I think. It was a little depressing, though, you know? I wanted to see some baseballs being thrown around. It's weird up here, I'll tell you. I told you, I go to this place in the woods, painting a beautiful picture of myself. I go to soccer games by myself and stare at little kids. And then I go, there's a reservation up here where I walk around this lake.

And it's kind of creepy. I'm running, always running into like two guys pushing a stroller with a baby in it. I just don't, I still can't get used to that. But, well, two women, actually. You know, it's a progress of Westchester County. I told you, I think I told this on one of the previous podcasts. I was walking around that lake in the woods there.

And I saw a woman from a distance, and she was sitting in a chair painting. And I'm pretty sure I told this. And as I get closer, I'm like, wow, she's got nice legs. She had her legs crossed and she had an easel set up and stuff. And I got up close to her. She turned to look at me and it was a guy dressed like a woman with a hat and everything. Almost like Klinger from M.A.S.H. He had like a five o'clock shadow and scared the living shit out of me.

It just scared that I laughed for 20 minutes. And then he packed up his shit and like took off. Like he wasn't hurting anybody, but I don't know. Kind of odd to see that in the woods on a nice peaceful day. But come on, folks. You got to teach your kids to play baseball it's our national

pastime for christ's sake yes it is kind of slow to watch on tv that's how i know i'm lazy i can watch a double header back to back just laying there that's when you know but i've also the dvr has really fucked me up now i can't watch any sports in real time do you guys do that you set your dvr for the game and then i go about and do stuff that needs to be done and come back after the game's been recording for like two hours just so you can fast forward through the, you know, eight minutes of commercials in between innings and the five throws over to first base that bore the shit out of you. So it's hard to, I tried to watch a game the other night in real time.

I was crawling out of my skin. And by the way, my Red Sox stink right now. I mean, stink. Yeah, that's right. Let Jacoby Ellsbury go to your arch rival, you numbnuts. But they are not getting it done, man. Not on the mound, not at bat. Offensively, oh, it's horrendous.

I watched them like three times this weekend, and it was hard to watch. And I'm talking DVR, even with the... But Jackie Bradley Jr., if he's our, you know, saving grace, if he's the one who's supposed to replace Ellsbury, defensively he's just as good, but offensively, not buying it. And Will Middlebrooks, who's on the injured reserve list again, now with a fractured finger, I think it's a blessing, actually, because he looks like he's overmatched.

He looks like a AAA player at best, which I don't know how that happened. Last year, he looked like he was going to be MVP of the league, for crying out loud, when he wasn't hurt. But he's hitting like 198. Jackie Bradley Jr.'s hitting a little above 200 maybe. I mean, horrendous. Nobody's hitting. Grady Sizemore grounds up to second base every other time. It's understandable he's been away from the game for a few years, but they look putrid. Jake Peavy stinks. And, yeah, they're going to have to get some players, man. Whenever that happens, they've got to make some moves.

They're not going anywhere. So, very disappointing so far. But, again, it's a stinky division. Everybody's three games, maybe four games above 500, the Yankees, and everybody else is, you know, Sox are only like three back. Just get swept by the Tigers, who right now I would hand them the trophy. They're that good pitching-wise, hitting-wise. They look like they're going to be unbeatable. Killer.

But the Sox, ugh. They look like they're going to be unbeatable. Killer. But the Sox, ugh. I'm telling you. This young kid Bogarts, he's going to be all right. But Victorino, this guy's made of cotton candy. He's hurt every other game. When he's in there, he's tremendous. Love him.

But very injury prone. Who the hell else? Lackey's all right. A little inconsistent. Lester's been pitching great. Doesn't get run support, but their offense stinks. But they, you know, they're third, like, in the league and on base percentage, which is great, but then they're, like, close to the bottom with runners in scoring position so that's the big problem anyways uh what the hell

else let's talk uh more sports while i'm on it what the hell uh nhl playoffs my Bruins stunk it up. Game seven against the Habs, they were just flatter than a lesbian's ass. Let's be serious. Terrible. Canadians were faster. They looked more motivated. I don't know. I don't know what happened there. But then you had Lou Cheech, who I love.

I love his intensity and stuff. But they had that little controversy, the handshake after the game, which, you know, it's a time-honored tradition in hockey. It's one of the best things in pro sports, I think. And Luchich threatens to kill a couple of the Canadians while he's shaking their hands. And you can't do that. You know what I mean?

Come on. Just wait until next year and then blindside him when they're going into the boards face first but uh yeah you can't be doing that luci as much as i love you man so you know he had a few run-ins during the game it is a crazy tradition that you can you can be playing in a hockey game bashing each other's faces in and then the game ends and three seconds later you get a lineup and shake the guy's hand. But for the most part, you don't have to get in that line either, I don't think. You know, it's not mandatory. So if you feel like you want to clock somebody, just don't get in the line.

But Lechiche kind of lost his shit in line, I guess. Well, a couple of the Canadians. And the Habs moved on, the uh ranges smoked them the other night or actually saturday afternoon or sunday whenever the hell it was saturday afternoon seven or two carrie price got hurt guy cried for the ranges crashed into him feet first and now the canadians are whining that he does that all the time and blah blah blah but price is going to be out for this whole series I just read on ESPN, which is crazy.

I mean, the guy, he's the best player on the Canadians. Tremendous goalie. Tremendous. That's huge, by the way. But you never know. You could throw a guy in the back of, what the hell's his name, Buda, something like that. Well, they have a rookie that they could throw in there.

And that happened before. I'll remember for you guys my age. Back in 1971 when the Bruins set all kinds of offensive records were favored over Wembling to win the cup. They ran up against a rookie goalie named Ken Dryden against the Canadians who just shut him down. I think the Canadians went on to win it that year. So, yeah, the Rangers smoked him, and now Price is out.

Very interesting. Very interesting. You know, the Rangers get a lot of, they get the Boston College connection. They get the kid, Kreider, who's tremendous. I mean, he's faster than any Canadian out there, it looks like. And then a guy, Boyle, who was also a Boston College product. There's a few College connection. They get the kid, Kreider, who's tremendous. I mean, he's faster than any Canadian out there, it looks like. And then a guy, Boyle, who was also a Boston College product. There's a few other ones. Boston College is like, you know, Michigan or Notre Dame or Alabama

as far as college hockey goes. They're always putting guys in the pros. Kings, Blackhawks. Kings. I thought I would play the Blackhawks, but Crawford was great. Blackhawks goalie was tremendous. Guy's a money goalie. But the Kings look good.

They were sharp even after two games, seven series. They didn't look tired at all. They're young. They're fast. And they're a little chippy. I like that. Kind of hope they win it all. Be honest with you.

But you've got to love playoff hockey, folks. Love listening to the interviews with the Canadian, French-Canadian players or the coaches when they're interviewed because they refuse to use the plural when they speak English. I'll be picking, they'll be interviewing someone, well, how you been doing, Reggie? What do you like? You been with the Rangers?

Well, I've been with the Rangers two, three years now. Great bunch of guys. We have a great time. We work real hard, four or five of us after the game. We go out. I have a 10-12 beer. I met a girl the other night with two big tits. I pick her up.

We date for a couple weeks. Now we have a three-kid. Love the way they talk. Canadians are a little whiny though i'm talking about the coach of the canadians whining about the rangers playing too rough um anyways it's the world we live in what the hell else my shoulders are killing me i slept on my shoulders wrong i have uh i've had reconstructive shoulder surgery both shoulders way back right after high school i fucked them up real bad um i had them fixed and i was told back then well you might feel this when

you're in your 40s and 50s this is before i decided to go on to play college ball and i'm like oh god don't worry about it that's like 10 lifetimes away don't you believe it so now when i wake up you should hear the crackling but uh yeah i slept them i slept on one of them last night i can't i just can't get it uh loose the guy who did him was actually this guy lyle mccaley he was uh he did all the pro sports teams in boston back in the 80s now he gives lectures on this stuff had something done called the bank card procedure what what happened was i was lifting weights um and lifting way too heavy in high school back in the 80s we didn't know anything walking to the gym cold and started benching but i was benching way too much weight and you're still growing at that time and what happens is you get like the muscle becomes stronger than the tendons

around the joints or whatever so uh every and everything is getting stretched out you know when you bench press and and uh like the ligaments were getting stretched out, you know, when you bench press, and like the ligaments were getting stretched out, and every time my shoulder would get knocked out of the socket, because the muscles around it were actually stronger than the joint itself, every time your shoulder comes out of the socket, your ligaments get stretched out, like a rubber band, you know, you keep stretching, old rubber band doesn't have much elasticity, that's what happens, so people would come up to me, and just like elasticity that's what happens so people would come up to me and just like i said literally my buddies would come up and push me kidding and you could hear it click it would go in and out real quick snap

in and out but it would hurt like a mother both of them both of them first i think it was my it was my uh my left one i did first i get tackled in a game and uh it popped out and then like later on that season I get tackled again I'm under a pile and I'm like oh my shoulder my then I realized it was my right shoulder I'm like oh my god and I have two of them that pop in and out so I had to get them fixed right after high school and And it's so funny. Now they do surgery. You know, there's not even a scar now. It's, I don't know what they use.

But now if you look at my shoulders, you'd think they did it with like a sharp stick. I have on my left shoulder that got infected. I have a scar. It's about an inch wide and about five inches long. It's so much different than how they do it today but uh yeah i slept on it last night i'm like uh it's like fucking killing me that's what you get that's what you get for playing football you should have played soccer nick yeah i know but uh kids get concussions from the soccer ball we hear that now you believe that

mama mia the hell else i want to talk about uh i had a great time at new york labs that's uh stand up new york 78th and broadway upstairs in the attic is a room that holds about 25 people so it's not a comedy it's actually a workspace and i do it every tuesday night to work out new stuff so if you're in the area and they they had like 20 people which is like perfect in a tiny space like that it's like it's like being in front of a regular it's enough of a barometer to try new stuff you know you need at least double figures you need at least 10 12 people and need at least 10, 12 people. And it was frigging great. You can get so much done as a comedian.

So yeah, brought down my napkin with the premises on it. My iPhone. I was trying out all kinds of new shit. It's really funny. I'm standing on like a red piece of carpet, like four by four. And if you want to see how the sausage is made, folks, it's really fun.

It's just bare bones. And, you know, if the material's not flying, you got to just be naturally funny. But it was great the other night. It was great. I got all kinds of stuff accomplished. That's what you do.

You listen to it the next day. You make notes. Try to remember them. You can write it out longhand if you want. That's how I used to do it. Some of my best bits were written out longhand. But once you start doing this for a while you know you come up with stuff as they call it writing on stage um and that's places like this allow you to do that to wing it it's hard to do uh and the comedy

cell is good for that too but it's become so popular lately that you know you go on and and the place is pat and you feel the need to do good but that's really ego issues on my part but uh it's easier to tank it in front of 25 people than like 120 at the gulag but you gotta have it's really fun i'm putting together a new hour and as far as the old hour ago we're still working on it folks it's still um being shopped so people are looking at it because i'm getting some twitter questions where is it it takes a long time you know it's it's you got to be patient it takes a long time so So, you know, budgets. Yeah, we like it, but we don't have money in the budget.

So, you know, we have the feelers out there. You know, there are comics who just release it immediately on their, depends on what level you're at. They shoot the DVD or whatever and then release it immediately on their website, which Louis made so popular. But I think the best route is to shop it around, hopefully gets on TV, and then that acts as an infomercial. And then in the contract,

they allow you to hopefully do both, sell it on your website. So that's the case. I don't want you to think that I've just put it aside. It's actively being shopped. And it's just, like I said, got to be patient. It's making me nuts. Trust me.

Because the last one I did was on Showtime. That was a few years ago. I had since did the thing with Artie and taken almost a year off from stand-up. So I wanted to get this one out as quick as possible. And I put my nose to the to grindstone went into the city where developed uh you know all kinds of new material and and shot it in november and was on pace but uh then uh you get to this phase you hit a snag so but uh nobody has said no yet, so that's actually good. Good news.

Let's, I'm going to go on Twitter. I asked people to tweet a few showbiz questions. Of course, you have to sit through the smart aliquot shit, which is actually pretty funny. I think people are meaner than me. Let me look at some of the showbiz questions. Guys are fucking brutal on there, I tell you.

Brutal. Anybody see my glasses? You motherless... What the hell is this? This is from Pontius Pilot on Twitter. Nick DiPaolo, after inventing electricity, Franklin went on to invent the pizza coma. Who knew?

What the fuck? And he's got somebody's face superimposed. I don't get it. Nick DiPaolo, when will you be coming to pittsburgh um i'll be coming there uh in a month or so i'm going to uh go to their mini camp i'm the third string quarterback for the steelers you might not have heard i'm not scheduled to be in pittsburgh anytime soon great city too i got an offer there they wanted me to do some, it wasn't a comedy,

I don't know what it was. It wasn't a comedy club, per se. It was a special event. But they had Tommy John again and a few other guys. The show was like, and they wanted me to go on and do like 40 at the end

after like five comedians. It just seemed way too long. So I said, could you change that? Maybe shorten the show a little bit? And they told me to shit my hat. Nick DiPaolo. Kill Screw Mary.

Oh, God. I'm not for that. Angela Lansbury. I would have to screw her. She has a beautiful ass for somebody in their late 90s. Nick DiPaolo. Why did Tough Crowd get canceled? I don't know.

Ask Comedy Central. You know why. It was too honest as far as racial conversation goes. You know how these little left-wingers shit in their pants that run this business. And you know how these little left-wingers shit in their pants that run this business. Nick DiPaolo, is reality TV overrated? Jesus Christ, I didn't even know it was rated. It's a fucking, TV is just, ugh.

I don't get the whole concept of reality tv it's there's nothing real about it there's only one reality there's only something you could really classify as reality tv and that's sports totally unscripted right the best stories that's why i like it unless you get a hard-on watching kim kardashian and kanye west shopping for fucking shoes. Nick DiPaolo, why aren't you verified yet? Well, who knows? I'm guessing it's something personal with somebody that works at Twitter. You know? And that's how people who disagree with my politics, that's what they do. They shut you down. I don't know that that's a fact, but with my politics, that's what they do. They shut you down. I don't know that that's a fact, but what else the fuck would it be? What's the worst city to do comedy in?

I would say that is the worst city to do comedy in. What the hell would that be? What's the capital of North Korea? I was there at the funny bone about a month ago that was a tough crowd very hard to laugh when you're emaciated where city to do comedy and well i i don't know i've never had that bad a time ago this is the worst city i've ever done comedy in uh cleveland and uh and i love cleveland so don't get your panties in a bunch cleveland they uh it's been hit or miss for me there they're not i don't know that's well there was an old

there's a place called hilarities the old one i used to kill there but then the improv in cleveland they didn't really get me and then the the new hilarities, I don't know. They're just not big into that edgy sarcasm. I don't know. It's not like I bombed there, but I remember struggling. But I wouldn't say that's the worst. I don't know. I don't know.

Nick DiPaola, most overrated comic. Who would that be? Most overrated comic. Gallagher 2. Not the original Gallagher. His brother. I don't know. I don't know. I don't friggin' know.

Johnny Rebel writes, Why do Jews control every aspect of the media? First of all, that's not true. It's not every aspect, just three quarters of it. It's a joke. Relax out there. Oh, that's horrible. It's a horrible question, Johnny.

Horrible. Norman Sharer writes in Nick DiPaolo, episode one one nick's dick falls off from lack of use forced to apply for obamacare i use it all the time i roll out pizza dough with it i stir paint with it and i would uh let it fall off and rot before i applied for uh obamacare okay fix it myself i'd sew it up like uh sylvester sloan did in first blood when he cut his arm um nick dippello celebrity you thought would be cool but is just a jerk in real life colin quinn what an ass this guy is. I thought he would be the... Kidding. No nicer guy in the business. Celebrity you thought would be cool but is a jerk in real life.

Richard Lewis. Jerkoff. Yeah. I won't tell you why, but... Yeah. Inside story. Can't really talk about it. Who do you think was funnier, Geraldo or Patrice? Boy, that's like a dead heat, and I'm not just being PC here.

That is like a dead heat to me. I hear those guys on the radio now and just fucking crack up. And it makes me sad, man. I heard Patrice like probably like four days ago on Raw Dog or something. And I had a good line. I'm like, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to email.

And it just frigging. But that's like a dead heat, man. I don't know. It's funny. They weren't crazy over each other either, which was hilarious. What late night shows have you been on? Well, that's sad when somebody has to ask that. Apparently, it's been a while.

And can you describe some of those experiences? Well, I've done Letterman a couple times, The Tonight Show with Leno a couple times when I lived in L.A. As far as comparing the two, with Letterman, you don't see him at all, obviously, except when you're out on the stage. But, I mean, before the show or after the show, you know. And when the show's over, they tell you, like, you have to, I don't know,

he's coming through, everybody has to clear the room or something. Jay comes right into the green room, right into your own dressing room. I was getting dressed and literally had my pants halfway up, and Jay goes, what are you doing? You already got the show. And, like, I was so preoccupied with doing the show. I missed the joke, you know? Uh, but Jay comes in and, uh, you know, really cordial making you feel at home. And, uh, but they were both good experiences. I got to, uh, I got to, uh, panel my first Letterman. It's funny because i went way over time wise and uh he i sat down anyway so they must have

been running long on time and got to actually chat with dave that was awesome and like i said i felt so relaxed before the letterman sets i don't know what it was about the ed sullivan theater it's just really intimate the way it's set up i i felt no nerves and it was just uh yeah i did two of those the first one was better than the second one but they both went uh well and um they asked me about six six six months ago maybe to see a set but i wanted this i wanted to have this thing uh this special in hand so and uh the tonight show i told you that i think i already mentioned this story i come out on my first tonight show before the show they have you walk out and show you where you're going to stand bubba and and the one of the producers said do you see that monitor

and right in the middle of the stage you kind of line yourself up with that and uh little did i know i i come out and i'm looking for that thing right and it's not even there anymore it was like a portable monitor that they roll away i don't know why he would give me that as a a mark to hit so for the first like 10 seconds i'm like am i standing in the right place i'm in my own head it was kind of uh that was kind of um i've done did conan like four or five times the uh the old conan and done the new one me and arty did the new one on uh tbs um and that was great all those corners were fun just late night there's not much pressure these guys are all they're nice guys you know i mean um but uh yeah

the first tonight show was a little nerve-wracking jimmy carter was on there and uh was that the second one i think was i think it was, I know Ice-T, the rapper was on my, I think my first one. I come out, I'm like, after I do my set, I walk over to the,

I go, how you doing, Ice? I don't even know what to call him. I feel like an idiot. Done Kimmel. Kimmel is the, Kimmel is the one that nobody really does stand up on, and I found that,

why, it's brutal. They just grab people stand up on, and I found that why. It's brutal. They just grab people off the street, and there's no common theme in the audience. They pull people off the street of Sunset Boulevard or whatever. I don't know. It's probably different now, but I remember looking out when I did Kimmel a couple years ago,

and it was like an 80-year- asian woman sitting next to a 14 year old black kid and then there's a white couple from iowa next to them and then a uh indian with a full headdress next to it was just like no common it was uh it was like pulling teeth but to sit down next to lederman that was was pretty awesome, you know, pretty awesome, and Jay too, I remember talking to Jay between commercial breaks, and I looked over there,

the band was cranking, I think it was Kevin Eubanks, and a guy was playing guitar, and I just love, I would have loved to learn how to play electric guitar, I go, man, I'd love to be able to do that,

and Jay looks at me and goes, yeah, and split the money five ways. Get out of here. I'm like, good point. Good point. How much does DirecTV value political correctness? No comment. I was tough crowd not on the air, value political correctness. No comment. How is

tough crowd not on the air but at midnight is? I don't even know what the fuck that means. Danette writes, do you use your gut instincts slash intuition for dealing with people in the industry?

How do you distinguish the bullshit? Well, it's very easy to distinguish the bullshit. It's just right out there. I'm the wrong one to ask that question because I believe in being yourself, and that doesn't always help. I was never good at schmoozing and putting on the phony. Why do that? Then they see you, you know, if you're being yourself on stage like you're supposed to be,

they're going to go, oh, that's what he's really like. But you got to do it. I guess people, I wish I was better at that. I don't know what you mean by gut instincts, intuition for dealing with. You got to be, no. I mean, that's what i did and i don't think it really helped my career captain personality over here um i suggest being as phony as possible and just nodding your head and agreeing with everything they say because that's what they want they want they want their ass kissed uh norman sharer writes in again,

why don't you do a miniseries? You could call it Nick's Dick. Well, Norman seems to have a little obsession, doesn't he? What a douche. What percentage of Hollywood producers slash directors are pedophiles? Ah, about, not that many. I'd say about 96 to 97%.

Does that sound a little high? Have you been following those stories out there? Oh, my God. The shit that goes on or went on. That director who directed one of those nerdy movies. I don't even remember which one it was. I talked about it on one of the other podcasts. Raping 12-year-old boys by the pool and stuff.

I mean, just crazy shit. And now these guys are speaking out, these kids. Yeah, they're blowing the whistle on them. It's going to get really interesting in Hollywood. It's really creepy behind these. I never got to that level. Nobody saw enough potential in me where they felt that they could bang me and make me a star. You have to show some talent, I guess.

But, yeah, who knows what the percentage is. But it is a creepy business, I'll tell you. Does it get you into a lot of confrontations with libs oh me being not a lib and being in this but not really doesn't come up you know unless um unless i bring it up but at the comedy seller you know nobody's on their votes the way I do. Maybe a couple. But we don't sit around and... It was great when Manny was alive, Manny Dwarman.

He was the guy, the older guy, that ran the Comedy Cellar, the owner. And he was a professor of politics and stuff. I think he taught in Israel. And he leaned right in his politics. And he was a great debater. He used to just eviscerate anybody that sat down with him. We used to lure people in there who were like real lefties

and sit them down with Manny and they'd start talking about the Middle East, which Manny knew better than anybody anybody but uh no it doesn't we have we have our arguments and shit you know but uh like that episode of me and louis uh that episode i did louis first episode when we i would never come to blows over it's not worth it you know i'd punch uh nancy pelosi in the face but and uh harry reed but uh nobody else no i've never it's it's not like that we have fun down there busting each other's ball that's why tough cry was so good you get all that stuff out in the open uh joe writes how do you deal with a really cold room when nothing is working at all that's

easy you go thank you very much. You guys have been great. Can I get my free falafel and get the fuck out of here? Somebody call the cab, please. What do you do? Well, I don't go by me. I'm the last guy you want to. I attack the room. I always attack it.

And I don't believe in this Jerry Seinfeld shit. Well, it's always the comedian's responsibility. If a joke didn't work, a joyful bullshit. I just told the exact same joke 20 minutes early at a different club and 20 minutes earlier before that, and it ripped the tits off the crowd, and I delivered it exactly the same here, and people looking at me with tilted heads. That's on them, and I point out every chance I get, which you shouldn't. I'm not giving young guys advice to do that.

I'm just saying. But it's fun. It's fun. Crowds have low self-esteem. They need to be whipped. You know, I always go, how did you miss that one, folks? Then they laugh at that. I get most of my laughs when shit doesn't work.

You know, obviously it's not always the audience's fault but uh i just understand i can tell the exact same bit you know and have it work 19 nights in a row and then on the 20th it's supposed to be me i don't think so but um what can you do they're not gonna like you every night. That's the first thing I can tell you. You have to realize somebody's going to think you're hilarious, and you could murder. You could murder a room,

and there's going to be two tables that hated your guts. That's just the nature of comedy. Which episode of The Sop sopranos were you in that would be the christopher episode season i don't remember what season it was season four or five third episode you know the one when the native americans got upset over columbus day and there was a fight in the park, that one. I actually think that was the episode where the show started to slow down a little quality-wise. I'm not blaming myself. I'm just saying. That's the one I did.

That experience was great. You do a read-through. The read-through was I had to go to Silver Cup Studios at the time, which I think I was living in Queens. It was perfect. I just jumped on the train, the N train, a couple stops up, go in there, sitting around the table.

I don't think Gandolfini was at the read-through, but true story. It came to my line. I'm staring at the girl that played Adriana. I missed my line. Everybody's looking at me, and they started giggling because they knew I was staring.

And at that read-through, by the way, they had a meal. It was a half-a-roast pig, you know, with like an apple in its mouth, at the read-through. How Roman is that? But the actual episode itself, that was brutal.

Had to be, like, every time you do every time you do a TV show or a movie, your call time is always like 5 in the morning, it seems like, almost every time. And we had to be at Columbus Park in Newark. And it was a winter month we shot it in on November or December. It might have been early. I don't know, but it was about, I'm not kidding, it was about 19 degrees. And the first thing they do is they throw me in a cop uniform.

And it was great because the best thing about doing that episode is usually when you shoot one of these things, they have a producer standing next to you they treat you like you've never been on a set like you're retarded and they won't let you out of your out of their sight and uh they're like two hands on but with this one i got dressed nobody even from wardrobe even checked my shit somebody noticed another extra notice that my name tag was crooked or something i straightened it or whatever and uh but nobody was bothering me i'm watching them and i'm standing outside and i'm freezing like i said

it was brutally cold that day and i'm watching them shoot uh the scene before me and then they finally wrap on that and my scene is up and still nobody has come over and asked me do you do you need your lines do you need you know probably because it was two lines, but nobody was paying attention to me and or giving me any direction. That's how loose it was. It was like, hey, that was their attitude. Like, these guys are professionals. Little did they know.

So I went up to Tim Van Patten, the director, and I said, I introduced myself real politely. And I said, what do you want me to do, Tim? Do you want me to fight my way through the crowd and try to time it? Because I had to break up a fight. And he went, yeah, yeah, that's fine. And we did it in a couple takes, you know? And in between takes, I was standing there

and Stevie Van Zandt was in my scene. I have a few words with him. And he was in a car in between scenes trying to stay warm and somebody had mentioned to me earlier that day that his dog had passed away and i didn't know he was like a huge animal lover and i was just trying to look for something to say conversation in between scenes and i went stevie sorry sorry about your dog and he gave me the dirtiest look i don dirtiest look. I don't know if he thought I was using it as a, you know, something to trigger him in the scene or whatever.

But he gave me that Silvio Dante, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? He just gave me a weird look and put the window up. I was just trying to make conversation, for Christ's sake. But that can be a little nerve-wracking, you know. Come on. I mean, you're on the greatest show on the history of television, and luckily it went pretty good, but I love the fact that nobody, they were so hands-off.

Nobody was really paying attention. I mean, I suggest something like, yeah, go ahead, try that. I'm sure all episodes weren't like that. If you've watched, they've done documentaries on Gandolfini, and him and David Chase used to butt heads all the time and stuff, but didn't get to meet him, Gandolfini. And then later on, I got to hang out with a lot of those guys, did stand-up. Jeff Singer, I think, put this stand-up thing together with the Sopranos guys,

and Michael Imperioli, we all went to Vegas. Imperioli was there, the guy that played Johnny Sack. Vincent Curtola, became friends with him. He's funny. Just, I love him. He's a curmudgeon like me. And of course, Steve Schripper, who played Bobby Bacalav, known for a while.

Great guy. And who else was on that tour? Oh, Artie, the guy that played Artie Bucco. John, I forget his last name, Ventimiglia or something. Great actor. Great actor. Funny guy. I can sing, too.

And Uncle Junior, Corrado Soprano, Dominic Chinise. Got to meet him. got to meet most of them um so that that was awesome is lawn michaels the most powerful jew in the world no he is not that would be Amy Schumer. I don't know. If he's not, if Lon's not, he's damn close. Would be Jesus, wouldn't it?

Nick, if you took steroids, would you be a stronger middle? I tried HGH, human growth hormone. That's how I jumped from, you know opening act to middle yeah maybe i should uh do around a deca that's a funny question are there any comedy lines that you won't cross uh there are no lines in comedy i don't know who came up with that stupid concept. There are no lines in my opinion. You know, because what if my line is right here and yours is 50 feet away? You know what I mean?

Who decides where that line is? So there is none. There is none. That doesn't mean you can't be offended or think something that was, you know, oh, that was horrible. Okay, but there isn't a line. Who decides where that line is? You know?

Some soccer mom? Some ABC, Dizzy, Disney executive? Who decides where the line is? I like the guys that go over the line, personally. And that's the executive. Who decides where the line is? I like the guys that go over the line, personally. And that's the thing. The longer you're in this business, the only shit that makes you laugh is stuff that people find over the line.

Why is SNL still on the air after sucking for four decades? I don't agree with that comment at all. I mean, I think it kind of blows right now, but it's peaks and valleys. It goes up and down, doesn't it? I mean, yeah, the first few years were tremendous, but come on, when Chris Farley was on there, David Spade, Norm Macdonald, those shows weren't funny. It's easy to sit there on Twitter and shit on people, isn't it? and Twitter and shit on people, isn't it?

The first question. You know, I tweeted, I need some showbiz questions. And the first one is, when are you going to get into showbiz? Now, that's a hilarious question, but what makes it more funny, it's from Pro Football Central. That's fucking hilarious wonder who uh who sent that in probably jerry rice or somebody like that when are you going to get into showbiz good question pro football central i don't know i think i've done all right

nominated for a couple of emmys writing for chris rock and and um you, I've had a few specials, a bunch of roasts on Comedy Central, and had my own radio show, and did an episode of the greatest show on TV ever, and I'm still in there. I'm still hanging in. So fuck you, Pro Football Central, you cocksuckers. Those are the guys that want to be in

show business. The guys, you know, blogging about fantasy football. You guys are funny, man. What the hell else? How many times will they remake the screaming, stomping Godzilla? Who's still intrigued? how many times will they remake the screaming stomping Godzilla, who's still intrigued,

what's he talking about, oh he's talking about the Hillary campaign, that's coming up, oh Ed Gruzeski, hmm showbiz question, okay why are you still in it, oh good one Ed, good one Eddie,

18 followers, Eddie. Oh, he's an old man with a gray beard and shit. Old man, writer, poet, drummer, singer, artist. Now, let me do a little psychoanalysis on this jerk-off. See, he's an old man, writer, poet, drummer. So what he is, he's an old hippie who hates my politics, and that's why he's saying that. Who considers himself much funnier

than other people do okay well at least he's honest you're right ed you're an unfunny fuck you have cancer of the funny bone and you'll be dead sooner and hopefully most of your generation and your hippie friends will be too but uh otherwise i'll cut you some slack that was such a predictable question. I'm going to go see Godzilla, by the way. Aren't you? It's come so far since when I was 12 years old, there was a guy in a suit.

It wasn't even a suit. It was like a pair of pajamas with feet and just bad makeup. Remember? It's amazing. I'm actually going to go see it for shits and giggles. Shits and giggles. Yeah. Yeah.

Are there any similarities between road gigs and being on TV? Is that a serious question? I don't even understand it. What? Jake, what the fuck? What kind of prescription meds are you on? I don't even understand it. What? Jake, what the fuck? What kind of prescription meds are you on? I don't understand that question. Are there any similarity between road gigs and being on TV?

Well, I guess, I don't know what you mean. Audience-wise, maybe? I don't know. No, when you're on the road, you're in a specific city, and the audience, most of the people are from that city, obviously. Being on TV, it's a mismatch because people come into the Letterman show and from all over the country. I'm not sure what he means by that.

Road gigs suck at this point, Jake. That's all I can tell you, you know. I mean, again, being on stage is fun. It's the other 99%, you know, the airports and the shitty hotels and waking up for morning radio. But being on TV is fun, you know. You go into your little dress room they have for you, and there's a gift basket with shit you're not going to eat in a thousand years,

and they give you a T-shirt and a hat and that you'll give to some homeless guy on the way out of the studio and um but it makes it feel like you're part of show business um yeah they send the car for you. I drive in still. I used to, you know, take the limo, but that can be embarrassing. You know what's funny? You do these,

sometimes, Jake, you do these road gigs, they'll send you a, I did a gig in Detroit. They sent me a stretch limo to pick me up for morning radio. They pick me up at the airport in a stretch limo, which is embarrassing because then you pull up to the hotel, and I see a bunch of people up front, and you see there's a few young hot broads gathering, and I get out.

And literally, I thought one of them was like, who's that? Who's that guy? Exactly. I actually called the club, and I said, please, don't put the limo away and just have them send me a town car. People expecting like frigging, you know, Justin Timberlake to get out of the frigging limo. That's about it, I guess, as far as showbiz questions.

Worst city? I still never really came up with one. I don't know. New York is tough right now. I'm not exactly in love with New York is tough right now. I'm not exactly in love with New York audiences. Because, I mean, the Comedy Cellar, I love its stuff. But it's on the campus of NYU. And you get all these snooty little smug douchebags with their political correctness

that have been jammed into their heads by their hippie professors. And now they feel the need that they can, when you say something they don't like, they think it's like a fucking talk show

that they can, you know, debate you. So some nights, New York gets on, but it's, I'm not saying it's the worst.

Christ, no. Cleveland's the one, for me, as far as them not getting me cincinnati turn um no actually last time i was in cincinnati i loved it take that back i love chicago i love san francisco believe it or not they used to have me there all the time um i remember a couple getting up five minutes into my act. I was at the punchline. A guy and girlfriend, like in the 20s, had tie-dye T-shirts on.

He's got the shitty beard, and he gives me the finger because I made a joke about, I don't know, it was a Mexican joke or something. And a kid gave me the finger. How to have a sense of humor, douche. He took him and his bearded girlfriend, and then they stormed out. But I used to be there a couple times. He had a punchline. They were great comedy guys.

Bobby Slayton, who's way more politically incorrect than I am. I mean, he's brutal. One of the funniest guys ever. They loved him there. He was a god in San Francisco. And I loved that city. I loved it. It's the only city, like I said, I'd leave my hotel and actually go explore it every day that i was there and um i'll tell you another great comedy city montreal

great friggin city for comedy san antonio eh depressing i used to go there twice a year too that fucking riverwalk depressed San Antonio. Eh. Depressing. I used to go there twice a year, too. That fucking Riverwalk depressed me. It would be 98 degrees, 400% humidity. I'd be sitting on a bench watching a bunch of tourists floating down that shitty river on a shitty boat. I'm throwing like a half a tuna fish sub at them. Ugh.

Then go to the mall and watch kids shoplifting. It was so fucking horrendous. It will be the same every time. The audiences were all right, but it was just, I don't know. That's what I do. Writing wise though,

the recording and then, then listening to it as I go for my walks with my headphones on, I listened to it, come back, sit down and write. Write out a few notes here and there. And then that's the only way to do it. People always ask you. You can't sit there and look into the mirror with a talking into a hairbrush. You have to go out and try it. It's the only way it works. Stand up, which can be brutal. But if anybody out there is thinking about it, do it. I mean, what's the worst that's going to happen?

Somebody doesn't think you're funny? What is it, like a death sentence? Big deal. Go out and try it, and you'll be hooked no matter how you do. That's how it was because nobody does good their first time, and you come off and you can't believe that you had the balls to get up in front of a live audience and do it and you'll be so excited and uh they'll let you know if you're funny enough quick enough but that's what's

amazing i did my open mics in boston and there were people there honest to god there was one woman there i won't mention her name who would die the death of a thousand cuts every night and she'd be back at the next open mic every night every night she was putting her name in the hat and they you know eventually put her on every night because it was just so funny to watch her bomb and it's like don't you have a central nervous system don't you feel pain don't you see these people want to cut your head off and you're back for more? It was unbelievable. And her, it was like she was delusional. You meet some of the craziest people at open mics. I mean, some people, they look like they're homeless and

some real misfits, but she will be back again and again for more punishment. We just, we couldn't believe it. And somebody told me she's still doing it. God bless her. Maybe in her head she's killing. She's getting a standing ovation. That's how psycho she is. But like I said, what's the worst that can happen?

You know? And there's a lot of funny people. It's so competitive now, man. It's amazing. Like I said, when's so competitive now, man, it's amazing, like I said, when I started in Boston, in the late 80s, it was more stage time, than there were comedians,

it was great, but there's some young funny, man, when I listen to Rod Dogg, and listen to Comedy Central Radio, there's some really funny people out there, hell yeah, 9-11, did you see that story in the paper the 9-11 museum has a gift shop

you have to be shitting me i am a unapologetic capitalist but that is a fucking crass in my opinion i know the money they've they've uh raised at the gift shop goes to keeping the museum funded blah blah blah but there's also people making huge salaries running this thing i think it goes to that you're charging 24 bucks a ticket to get it i would i just think that's horrendous if you lost somebody i mean you wouldn't be offended by that they're selling t-shirts and 9-11 hats and there's got to be another way to raise money to keep the museum funded god but then again right that's capitalism it's what we're defending is what they were attacking so i don't know but jesus that one even said to shiver up my uh ass thought that was a little tasteless you can buy scarves with the twin towers on it. Are you shitting me?

What a country. That's about it, kids. Thank you for the questions, by the way. You hateful bastards, some of yous. What's on tonight? I say tonight, maybe you'll get this. I don't know when you're going to listen to it. I release it later tonight or tomorrow. I say tonight,

meaning Monday night, ranges, Canadians. I got to sit down right after this and listen to this set that I did. I've already listened to it twice and write some funny stuff that's going to make me tons of money in the future.

You know what I'm saying, kids? And like I said, be patient with the DVD. I got my man on it. You know what I'm saying? Did I cover everything? Come see me, Fort Lauderdale, June 14, 15, and 16. Fort Lauderdale. June 14, 15, and 16, I believe.

Let me double check that. Ow! This fucking desk. I don't know who designed this. 13, 14, and 15, I should say. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, June 13, 14, 15. The Improv in Fort Lauderdale. And, yeah. I'm actually sitting in, too, for Laura Ingram's radio show on Friday.

I don't know where she goes. She's in over 205 markets nationally. So, go to iHeartRadio, I'm guessing, to find out. August 2nd, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. That's going to be awesome. August 21, 22, and 23, The Improv in Atlanta. August 29th, the Main Street Armory, Rochester, New York. It's a nice theater.

Hell yeah. That's it, kids. Again, thanks for participating. Until next time, rinse those filthy asses. See you again. Good night until we meet again. Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen. guitar solo Bye.