The Nick DiPaolo Show - 033 - Joe Breaks His Cherry

Episode Date: June 10, 2014

Joe Breaks His Cherry

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo podcast is on. Let's play this right at the top. Thanks, everybody. This is exciting. I'm very nervous. I get nervous on stage, mostly because I'm self-conscious about my looks, particularly my teeth.

I was talking to my buddy the other day. I was confiding in him. I was like, man, I'm really self-conscious about my teeth. Then he looked at me and he goes, dude, all you need is some crest whitening strips. I was like, thanks, man. I'm actually self-conscious that they're crooked. What the hell?

Let's throw yellow in there. That's right. That's Joey List. And he's here off his Letterman debut, smashing success. Fresh off. Fresh off. I feel like 100 bucks over here. You do.

The emails have really been pouring in. Have they really? Yeah, a lot of ladies. I'm telling you, get on TV, you'll get your prick sucked. Who's calling you, aunt? Aunt Debbie, Aunt Donna, Aunt Darlene, Uncle Dale, Uncle Doug, all Facebook me. They must be excited. My mother yesterday said she was on a three-day high.

She didn't want to come down. She's talking about your parents? She's on ecstasy. She just found Molly recently. Sweet gal. Let me tell you something. I was there. I tied Joe's necktie.

That's true. How do you know how to tie, not a tie a tie? What are you, an orphan? What the fuck? Oh, you met my dad? He's a mute. My dad doesn't talk much. I've tied a couple ties on YouTube, via YouTube.

Yeah. Same place you can learn how to tie a noose. That's the most Googled, that's the most Googled thing, question ever. Really? How to tie a noose That's the most googled That's the most googled thing Question ever How to tie a necktie Oh a necktie? Oh I think you meant a noose No noose is like third That's the most amongst comedians Yeah I think comedians are probably two of the top

Vote getters Or whatever Fucking searchers on noose and necktie I never had that job before I worked at Filene's but my dad Vote getters or whatever. Fucking searchers on noose and necktie. I never had a job before. I worked at Filene's, but my dad tied my tie. Were you wearing a miniskirt? For Christ's sake. Didn't you like graduate?

I don't know. When would you wear a tie? I graduated high school. I wore a tie then, I think probably, but someone tied it. My dad never spoke. He would rather just do it and then just leave it on my door you know like i was getting laid yeah he doesn't say much he's a quiet guy i don't know if he liked the set he didn't even tell you he had no opinion on it no he doesn't say much did he used to put cigarettes out on you as a baby no never he

hit me one time in the face real hard. Just once? Just once. He left a handprint on my face. Just once? Just once. Seriously? Yeah, just one time. He really ripped it, though. I mean, he gripped it and ripped it. It was a good one. Just once? Yeah, it's not bad. Not bad. Left me at a Pappagino's one time as well.

Christ, I got... Your dad only hit you once in your life? Uh, yeah. This is me and my dad from, I'd say, age of four to the age of six. What's the idea? Get upstairs. Sit down. That was at Thanksgiving because I said I didn't like carrots you know that's a true story I was in high school

and me and my old man were fighting and we had company over and he said my mother said do you want salad and I was in a pissy mood I go what kind of lettuce is it because I only like romaine

my old man smacked me. He was sitting two seats from me with a backhand. This is not when I was five or an eight or 12. Right. Sophomore in high school. Right. In front of company. He backhands me.

That's what my daddy did. We sat in the car and he backhanded me. I was in the middle, the middle seat. And he hit me and it left a handprint to my face. That's a good smack. And I guess I didn't even cry. I just looked at him like what what why and then he felt bad and never did it again i guess oh that's hilarious he stopped talking to me smack so many times with both hands too he used to make my ears ring right oh and like i said i had a comment on most occasions right most occasions yeah he did i don't think Most occasions. Yeah, he's not a passionate guy.

He didn't say two words. Even after you sat, we're on the sidewalk. Are you proud of your kid? And he just lit up a joint and walked away. No, he didn't say anything. I know. I have to communicate with him through my mom. I got to call my mother and be like, did dad have fun?

And she's like, what are you kidding? It was the best time of his life. Is he like classic old school Irish? It's very Irish. His father never spoke either. Yeah, that's typical of Catholic, you know, upbringing. Yes, very Irish Catholic. His mother's never said I love you to anybody.

None of them have ever said I love you or smiled. Your mother was happy. I could see it in her. Yeah. She had a smile on her face and i said wipe that off yeah she was real nervous i think that day i know she farted a couple times in the green room she must have been well there was a lot of cookies in back there uh by the way those cookies back in the backstage the late show i don't know if anyone's listening from but the best cookies

i've ever had in my life as soon as i walked up i grabbed like a snack of six of them just housed them it's funny though it's the same you know my last letterman i think was seven years ago maybe i don't know but it was the same setup same sandwiches same cookies yeah yeah it was exciting i'd been there a few times before so uh it was exciting and it was great no it was me and g Gullman were there. And Maureen, Joe's fiancée. Confidante. Confidante. And my girlfriend. And yeah, Sarah was there.

Another one who, I've known her for two years. I've heard her say hi once. I know, she's been on the podcast. I know. Doesn't say much. She doesn't say anything. She's quite good, but she was crying afterwards, so I had to marry her.

Well, that's because Gary hit her. She tried to talk during the set, and Gary slapped her. Me and Goldman watched it arm in arm, arm around each other's shoulders, standing up at the corner of the TV in the dressing room, and we're just making fun of you. And you were doing great, and Gary's like, he's dying. Which you weren't. You were fucking murdering. And it's a, he's dying. Which you weren't. You were fucking murdering.

And it's a big thing, folks. I'll tell you, it doesn't, you know, and I've said this before, career-wise, you know, doesn't have the cachet it had or whatever. But you still have to get it under your belt. It's like a college diploma. You got to have it. Right. It was exciting. I feel like I'm in a new club.

But, yeah, not a single showbiz email or profile yet. I added about 50 Twitter followers and some nice comments. I had a good Facebook day, a few good Facebook days. It was nice because I shot Wednesday.

So Wednesday I said I just did Letterman so I got all this congratulations and then Thursday I got everyone writing you got to watch it and then Friday everyone wrote. It was great.

Yeah. For the most part. And dude, I got to tell you because Joe's's a nervous nelly that's his whole nature that's my thing so i was curious about how's this kid gonna handle this and i'm not just talking about the set itself but beforehand in the dressing room and getting your parents in and all that shit i'm i'm just the opposite i don't want anybody near me i think colin came to my first one yeah and and greg zook my buddy down from miami i know all about that guy i but but you you had you know me gary your pet you had to take care of your parents before the and you weren't even even before the show you're walking down the sidewalk like in a daggle i thought he'd

be you have a piss stain on the way down just relaxed and and then you're fucking around with us in the uh in the dressing room beforehand and it's good i mean a lot of people like that because it makes you feel good to be around your friends and you're not thinking about what you're gonna do right right yeah it felt like a gig to me it felt silly i kept waiting to get hit with this panic that's one of my because i had panic attacks years ago and uh i'm a lunatic but well that was a craig ferguson show it kept understandable it kept feeling i felt very loose we were just goofing around then i had this like moment i was like oh i think i'm just not gonna get nervous for this i just feel good you didn't and uh yeah we felt good and then i was like let

me go down early and then because i was gonna be freaking out and then it never really came even when i was backstage in the room i was like i had this moment i'm like well i guess i'm just gonna do this like this i feel fine and then the sound guy was like hey have you ever worked uh levity live in west nyack 30 seconds uh it's a good club and we were just chatting which is actually good believe it or not yeah i would have told me shut up right i get nuts even at the comedy cellar people come up to you right now the comics i'm about to go on right i'm trying to well i think it helped doing uh my network television debut 31 years into comedy you know i've been doing stand-up for 14 years it's a good point but preparation is also right you are over prepared

you know i mean i'm saying that a good way good way. Right. When you're prepared, you know what I mean? It really is true. You know you're prepared, especially in stand-up for a TV set. It's not how you work when you do like a live gig. I don't know. You know, when I do Carolines or something, I don't know what I'm going to say next. Right.

I have my jokes, my proven stuff. Right. But with the TV thing, you've got to sort of know, you know, have a plan. Right. Well, that's what I kept doing is when we were hanging out, I would walk away

and be like, let me make sure I know all these jokes front to back. But that's that thing of like, of course I know them. I've run the set 40 times.

I've been doing the jokes for a long time. So you trusted it. Yeah. That's what they say. Feel good. And David Tell was saying that before.

He's like, I look at, I look at late nights as just part of the job. Occasionally, I have to go do a late night. And so you go because that's your job. So I kind of looked at it that way. We're just at work here.

And then there's the hottest crowd ever. It was one of those things. I don't actually have anything to worry about here. You don't. I mean, and that's what I said to you. It's bomb-proof. Right. No one's ever had a bad set.

People have done bad jokes on Letterman. Well, yeah. It's hard to have a bad set. People have done bad jokes on Letterman, but haven't had a bad set. Well, yeah, it's hard to have a bad response. Because the audiences tend to, it doesn't matter if you're Gaffigan, you're doing your 4,000th, they treat you like you've never done comedy before. Right. They're nervous for you. It doesn't matter if it's your 50th appearance or your first.

Right. You know what I mean? Right, right. They treat you like, and the applause sometimes would get annoying. Yeah. You want them to laugh, but that's with the timing thing. Yeah, it was weird. There was one part I probably left a tag in after an applause break.

It didn't get much that I probably should have dropped. Everybody does that. My first one, yours still got a laugh. Right. It got a little laugh. But as the applause was happening, I was like, I should probably drop this. And I was like, but I love it. And I left it in there.

I did the same thing. It didn't get much. My first one, I tagged the joke. The tag at zilch l zero right but you know you you're like it's worked a thousand nights in a row i'm gonna leave it out i'm thinking about the comic at that moment i'm thinking about the comics i want the comedians to hear all of the things i wrote for this i'm thinking about the strippers and the old people in hospitals watching me because i do it for them yeah coke drip uh but it was but the weird thing about sort of being uh zenned out a little bit beforehand was

that afterwards i didn't have that triumphant feel it just was like the same as before i was like well that was that we did that yeah it's cross it off your bucket list yeah but i wanted to like in my mind i was gonna like sprawl under the floor and lay there like Jordan after the 93 championship. What, kissing the letterman's microphone? Right. No, but I like the little hand thing you did. Yeah, I don't know. It was all a blur.

It was one of these. You know when people do that? They put their hands together above their head like I'm the champion of the world? Thank you. That was my way of showing. No, but it was impressive, man. It was. You were totally relaxed. Let me ask it was impressive, man. It was. It was.

You were totally relaxed. Let me ask you something. You're a meditation guy. Yes. You've been trying to get me into it. Yeah. And I actually tried it this weekend. I tried to meditate.

Every time I sit in a room on my own thoughts, it goes two places, to pizza and pussy. Yeah, it's all pussy. But that's the thing. Meditation is like working out. It's like you look at meditation, you try it, and you're like, oh, I just thought about fucking pizza and pussy. But you've got to look at it as like working out. You wouldn't just go to the gym and then be like,

ah, shit, I'm not in shape. You have to keep going and going and doing it. What do you mean? You get better at it each time? Yeah, it's like exercise. But what do you do? Exactly what do you do? You try to keep going back to your breath,

focusing on your breath and the different sort of mantras you can do. Focus on your breath? Yeah. What if I just ate ass? And I'm focusing on inserts. You want to do a little nose breathing and just be still. Just be still and breathe. Like you're breathing right now.

You're breathing all the time, but you're not aware of it. But what are you thinking? Well, you let your thoughts kind of come and go. Do you picture a lake with a tree, all that? No, I don't do that nonsense. But your thoughts... Puerto Rican with a gun? What are you thinking? The idea of your thoughts come, and you want to... The idea that they say is like a river. You let them just

float away down the river. You don't try to get rid of your thoughts or direct your thoughts. You have stuff come into your mind, and then you let it go away. And so you try to come back and focus on your in-breath and out-breath. But what if the thought that's coming into your mind is, ooh, I've got to be at the cellar tonight at... You have that, but you just go, okay, and then...

What do you do with that thought? You let it just float away. Let it float away. Yeah, you let it get going. You go back to your... You go, I can deal with that after this is over. And then you come back to your breath it's a very silly thing that's why i wrote fucking 80 minutes of jokes on it only three of them work but but you have to but you had to read a whole book to learn how to i've read a bunch of books think tick not han i always read

it it's like my uh not han? Did you just say tick not Han? Yeah. What the fuck is that? He's a goalie. Is anything you can say? He's a Buddhist monk, Vietnamese Buddhist monk. And he's like 8,500 years old. And he's a terrific guy.

That's a swell guy. Is he the Tony Robbins of? He's a Buddhist. He works at the Late Show. Billy Mays of meditation? He's a boom mic operator at the late show you're kidding right I saw an Indian guy is he Indian what is he Filipino Vietnamese Vietnamese yeah he was there for

the war he was he meditated through it and didn't get bombed well I don't respect him because he didn't light himself on fire like the other guy he did he survived that's what's so crazy about him ticked it tick lit himself on fire like the other guy. He did. He survived. That's what's so crazy about him. Tick did? Tick lit himself on fire?

He snop-dropped and rolled. No. Did he really? No. He's fine. But he's a badass. Martin Luther King nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize when he was like, you know, 22 years old.

Why did Martin Luther King get to nominate anybody? Because he won. Oh, is that how it works? Yeah. The winners nominate. Really? Yeah, the winners nominate. Really? Yeah, dog. No shit.

Yeah, that's how it goes. That's like, that's how comedy should be. I should be able to give someone a Letterman credit right now. I didn't know that. I forgot who. I really,

I guess I didn't realize who nominated the... Yeah, I think so. I think all the past winners, yeah, get to give it away. That's that great joke about Osama. Who did Obama give it to?

Obama won. Well, he can just nominate. Bo Bergdahl? Remember, Ted Alexander had that joke. What did he say? President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, which is a little weird. He was the president of a country that was involved in two wars. Surely there's another.

Maybe there's a candidate who was only involved in one war at the time who could have won the Nobel Peace Prize. Great comedian. Anyways, back to me. But yeah, Thich Nhat Hanh. T-H-I-C-H-N-H-A-T-H-A-N-H. But this guy, he's changed my whole life. I went and meditated with him one time in Boston, in Copley Square.

He led a meditation thing. He's written like 70 books. Has it helped you? It's helped me tremendously. It helped me. It changed my whole life. I wouldn't say that I'm a, it's not fair to say I'm a Buddhist, but it's fair to say that Buddhism has changed my life.

No, I know you're not a Buddhist. I don't see. I masturbate too much. I don't see too many buddhists eating pizza twizzlers um yeah sobriety and meditation those are my two for being sort of relaxed at the thing well that's what i was going to get to that was the other impressive thing okay yeah because joe was a hard-ass drinker quit how long ago like a year and a half ago or so 17 months maybe about 17 months okay

so uh when something like doing your first letterman comes up i gotta believe the urge to have a scotch or a sniff or two am i right did it ever even enter your mind not so much no because well you know i've you know taken precautions against such things and uh but so it didn't enter your mind? No. I thought about getting a Xanax because I have an old prescription to Xanax. And my buddy had a Xanax. Oh, so you did think about something. Yeah, I thought about taking a Xanax in case I had like a fucking panic attack.

Because panic disorder, I mean, similar to alcoholism, is just in you. And herpes. I got three things that just never go away. You just have to try to control them. Well, Jesus, I figured herpes would make you panic. Oh, yeah. Well, herpes, I'm things that just never go away uh you just have to try to control them well jesus i figured herpes would make you panic oh yeah well herpes i'm crazy outbroken right now it looks like uh what's your prick look like uh it's like uh i'm trying to think of something funny those candy those dots you know those pink dots for your kids i'm adjusting my penis right now as we speak but not yeah don't uh it's my couch. I'm going to leave here.

My couch has a giant blister and a mushroom growing on it. Oozing. But yeah, so I was worried about having a panic attack or whatever, because that's like the old me would have. But I just kept going. Like days before, I was like, man, what if I'm freaking out at the time of the show? But then you kind of go, well, I'm not freaking out now I'll just you just keep living in that moment which is another sort of Buddhist living in the moment that's when I can't get down it's I'm always looking ahead

yeah you you struggle with that oh I struggle horribly with that that's why coming back to your breath you remember that you're alive in this moment and the only thing that's actually real why is it the breath though why can't you just look down at your fingers and go, I have fingers. You know what I mean? Well, because you're doing things. Maybe you're knitting or masturbating. Okay, yeah. I'm sitting there knitting making a sweater for my uncle who just came out of the

closet. I still don't get it. So you start focusing on your breath? But yeah, you just get some of these books. Get a Thich Nhat Hanh. He's got some great books. He's got a book called Peace of Mind. He's got another one called Happiness.

Those are two of the great ones that I've read. Did he write that song with Pharrell? Happiness is a warm gun. That was the only song I could think of with happiness in it.

But yeah, I'm way into that nonsense. And then I also got a gym membership with a steam room. I'm a big fan of the steam room. You got a gym membership with a steam room. I'm a big fan of the steam room. You got a gym membership to the steam room. Well, with the steam room.

The gym has a steam room in it, which I didn't realize was a place that homos went to have sex with each other. Well, yeah, they're going to be thrilled to see you with that prick that looks like a carrot that gets stuck in a disposal when it's at full blister. Joe got around with the broads, so. I did a lot of... You should wear that badge of courage.

Yeah, I had sex with a lot of gals. That's good for you, man. Most of them in the heavyweight class, I would say. That's true. Joe used to go after the heifers. That's booze related. That's a weird thing when people are like, oh, you like Fackler. I'm like, well, no, that's just what I'm getting.

Yeah, exactly. It's not my thing. I'm like a petite gal. All my girlfriends have been petite. All the side projects have been big like Texas. But, yeah, I don't know. But I think the steam room helps, too. I steamed the morning of.

I went and I met up with Colin. He's all-knowing. He's very wise. Having you there was helpful, obviously. Jesus, I'm third on the list? I went in order of the day. You were the third person I saw. I talked him over down here.

Now he's on the fast track to fame. I'm sitting here interviewing him in my living room. This is the living room? No, it's my man cave. There's a bench set here. Yeah, so I think I just had a nice, relaxing day. But again, doing comedy for 14 years,'ve done it i've done 4 000 sets or whatever the fuck or more than that yeah way more than that but that's that's the way it should be

in my opinion i i agree uh you know these people you know throw them on some comic who's been doing comedy three years right yeah i'm not gonna mention any names but somebody that hangs out in the clubs that we go to a young kid kid, did it, and it looked it. Right. It looked it. He was moving all over the place. He asked a question to open his bit. Right.

It was, you know, he wasn't, you know. So I like the fact that you're a seasoned guy. You were overdue, though. Yeah. I think so. I mean, 14's a long time. I like to think so. And it was, again, the relaxation part is what I was really impressed with.

Well, it was a lot of fun. I was very excited. I thought you were going to drop a yellow log out of your pantsuit leg. We were howling. It felt good. Elvis Costello, he was freaking out. Was he? No, I don't know.

He didn't seem very pleasant. But then I was thinking we were arguing politics very loudly. We might have offended him. Yeah, pop shit. We were next door to him. We might have offended him. Yeah, tough shit. We were next door to him. I'll take him in, Michael Stipe on. You were doing your thing. Yeah, what was I talking about?

I can't remember, but I remember thinking, oh, God, Elvis Costello is going to think we're lunatics. Tough shit, Elvis. But, yeah, it was great. Remember he stuck his head in, too, at the end of the show. He was looking for his bag. Were you in the green room? No, I don't think I was there. Sticks his head in. He goes, who's got my bag? Oh, yeah, yeah. Looking for his bag. Were you in the green room? No, I don't think I was there. Sticks his head and he goes,

who's got my bag? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were saying that. And then Gullman yelled out, he couldn't follow you, which was fun. And then Gullman said, you'll get him next time.

And he said it loud enough, I think, that he could have heard of him. And then Maureen was a little upset with Gullman, I think. Yeah, tell Maureen to relax. Canadian. Hey, tell the people

when you came off right after doing this set, who greeted you and what did we say? Oh, yeah, I walked off. And it's funny because I was hoping this was going to happen the whole time when I realized you guys were coming. I was like, somebody better do this. And I almost said it, but then I was like, they'll know.

They'll know to do it. I know. And so then I walk off stage and you go, oh, there he is. There he is. Oh, you broke your cherry. And it was me. Goldman There he is. Oh, you broke your cherry. And it was... Me and Goldman hugged him. Oh, you broke your cherry.

All I wanted. And then my girlfriend was crying, which was nice. Now I have to marry her because she was happy for me. And then five minutes later, I introduced him a guy and I said, Joe, this is Henry. You're going to be working again. How you doing, Henry? Yeah, all right.

So did the girlfriend put the boots to you that night? She must have been. That makes her moist, huh? Yeah, she wore a nice dress. I asked her to leave the dress on, but she was too tired, so we had to have sex the next morning. No dress, but... No shit.

She was too tired. Well, we stayed out pretty late. My parents, they're big booze bags, you know, so we ended up drinking until like three in the morning. Wait, does your girlfriend drink? No, she doesn't drink. So? She's been sober for years, but we went out.

We went to Lombardi's, which is the best pizza in the city as far as I can tell. What place is that? Lombardi's. What place is that? What the hell's going on out here? Lombardi's best meatballs. They're five bucks a piece, but these meatballs, they melt in your mouth. It's like eating teenage pussy.

Terrific. I was going to say that. So does 18-year-old ass. It's all red and spicy. It was good. The Lombardi. Lombardi is the first, I told you, the first pizza joint in the United States of America, not just New York.

Wow. First pizza joint in this country. Wow. At least that's what they said on Unwrapped. And it has a coal burning oven. They still use the coal burning oven. Yeah, the pizza's unbelievable. The meatballs are unbelievable. We went there.

I say, fuck fossil fuels. I want a nice meatball pie. Then we walked over to the bar. We watched Game 1. My parents are hockey fans. I'm a hockey fan. We watched Game 1 at a bar. And then went over to the Comedy Cellar.

Had dessert there. So the parents saw the cellar, too? Yeah, they've been there before. They saw you there back in 03 when I lived there. You called your wife a cunt, I believe, on stage. Oh, I didn't joke. Come on, my parents listen to this. Again, if I did, it was joking.

It was not like she was in the audience. No, no. That's what I usually do. My parents were there. They were like, who is this angry young man? They didn't think I was funny? I thought you were hilarious. I told you that my parents were just cleaning out my attic the other day, and they found

your CD from 1998. They listened to it. They were how cleaning out my attic the other day and they found your CD from 1998. They listened to it. They were howling. They loved it. That would be Born This Way. Born This Way. Available on Amazon, iTunes, and all those other tunes. Yeah, they loved it. And then they found my father's social security card in a box of baseball cards. I know. You told me that. Because my dad doesn't travel and he hasn't had a new job

in 30 years, so he doesn't need his social security card. So he's just in a bunch of Don and Russ. I don't carry mine with me. I don't have it on me. We're not supposed to have it on you. You're not supposed to do that. Okay, so what's

the big story here? We found out a box where it belonged. Well, baseball cards is a weird place. Someone could have purchased it for a nickel. He's got a social security card

that smells like bubble gum. We found it right under a Bob Stanley rookie card. It's got statistics on it. Bob Stanley was my dad's favorite player, the Steamer Stanley. Tell him It's got a statistics on it. Bob Stanley was my dad's favorite

player, the Steamer Stanley. Tell him he's got shit taste. No, he was a good guy, Bob. He got it done most days.

I still blame 86 on Rich Gedman. Yeah, I think it was Gedman. I'm with you. Completely. They called it

Wild Pitch. Wild Pitch. He had to reach three inches to his left. I agree. He had the fucking reflexes

of you know who. And let's not let Shiraldy off the hook reflexes of you-know-who. And let's not let Chiraldi off the hook either. Four base hits in a row. See, this is two Bostonians going back 35 years after winning three championships in the last 10. Boy, do they stink this year, though. I'll tell you. I think, clearly,

it was a, what do you call it, an apparition? Apparition? No, why are people saying that? How about they had the best team last year? Well, they were the worst team in the league, then won the World Series, now the worst team in the league again. They're not the worst team in the league this year. I know that, but they're very close to it. They were the best last year.

I mean, the statistics proved it out. I know they were the best, but it seemed like everyone had sort of fluky type career years. You could say that about anybody who wins it. Not the teams that win four in a row. Like who? I don't know. The New York Islanders. That's a different era.

No, don't change sports on me. Who am I arguing with? My wife here? Stay with the logic. No, but in this day and age, we're free agents. Right. The teams never look the same the next year. You see what I'm saying?

So, but, you know, teams that have won it, like the A's in the 70s, three years in a row, they had the same team. You know what I'm saying? So, but, you know, teams that have won it, like the A's in the 70s, three years in a row, they had the same team. Right. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So that's why so many different teams have won. They don't repeat that much, right?

Right. Is that true? That's what they're trying to make it that way, yeah. Yeah, so, but boy, P.U. Yeah, they stink. Jesus, Jackie Bradley Jr. couldn't hit my mother throwing softballs up there. I haven't watched much baseball because I'm still into the hockey. I need hockey to end, then I switch over to baseball.

It's so funny you say that. Anyways, yeah, I was going to talk about the roofing thing and how I don't have cable right now. I've been following the NHL playoffs every minute for four months, and had uh my roof done on my house it's still not done and the guys move the direct tv dish and um and people are gonna go yeah you know you can adjust the dish there's an app for it you go up and you turn the thing we did all that get on the phone it tells you how to tilt it what elevation what degree but, blah, blah, blah. Nothing.

And DirecTV goes, I'm in the VIP package, at least. Right. I was. And they're like, we can't get a guy out there until Wednesday. So I can't watch the hockey game tonight. I saw the first two. And I'm going to the city anyways to maybe put a little set together for Letterman. We'll talk about that in a few minutes um and uh yeah so um i got nothing maybe we should go to the game tonight

go to the game let's go i can't i gotta do my i got 80 bucks 80 bucks that's terrific we'll be watching it from what under the zamboni as they i uh yeah so um that's what I look forward to when I come home so what are you gonna do are you gonna watch it at the cellar or something they won't have it on

they have it on a little TV please they'll have on whatever they'll have a woman's woman's semi-final college softball

watch a big diesel well some players don't even have the channel because it's on whatever NBC Sports it's on Whatever NBC Sports It's the beauty of Well I watched it streaming The other night

Right On my iPad See that never works for me I always end up Throwing my fucking iPad Across the hotel During the Olympics I tried to watch it

And it kept cutting in and out Because I was out of Fucking Motel Tom Or whatever And you were trying to watch Synchronized swimming So nobody gives a shit But no I know

And you can stream it And you know There i know um and you can stream it and you know there's a thing that you can put it up on your tv there's a button you hit oh wow so you can watch it as it's streaming on your computer on the tv but it was getting very choppy and breaking in and out on the tv that's what i was saying but when i put it back on the ipad i don't know why it was smooth sailing oh wow yeah i don't know so i don't know enough about it but so i got to watch it streaming but the point is tonight i don't think you can't record something you're streaming i mean some some psycho out there knows how to do that i'm sure right some kid who's a big game of thrones fan you're comfortable you're right comfy oh this is perfect actually i'm kind

of laying down you want to pull it onto your blister ridden balls i don't need a pillow this is perfect i should have been laying like this the whole time. I feel like I'm on the cover of an 80s movie. I got my feet up, laying here with a headset on and a big erection. Let's play a... I want to play one of my old comedians. I'm going to move with this guy.

Pride, anger, covetousness, I can never say that. Lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what? Oh, the Bill of Rights. What's Paul Lynn? You weren't even born, were you? He's a big gay fellow, right? Oh, funniest motherfucker alive, straight or gay. He used to kill me.

And he was a mean drunk. That's what I liked about him. He went off on some lady in first class and I'm playing. Boy, closeted homosexuality, that'll make you mean, I would think. The booze will. Yeah. Well, both of those things. It's a bad combo. I know from experience.

So, yeah. So, anyways, that's the deal. I don't have the cable because I'm having my roof done and my wife's brother is a roofer. He's everything. This guy can lay, he can do anything. All these guys, he works for general contract, but roofing is his specialty. So he comes down, right, with my wife Andy's cousin, who I, another guy who, you talk about salt of the earth, fucking,

I never felt so guilty about what I do for a living. Right. Watching these guys, they get to my house on saturday morning they had to drive here an hour and a half so they get up at like four they're on my roof by quarter or seven or 6 30 now are you awake do you wake up for this or you wake up from the roofing that's what i'm saying it was a nightmare it was a nightmare because i don't sleep well to begin with right right so you know and i know they're coming and uh yeah and you know so i'm in our bedroom me and my wife and of course they start there so they're standing literally four feet above our heads and you're hearing shit drop and fucking here oh my god and i i didn't even get mad because i like these guys

so much right and just appreciated how much, how what hardcore. This is on their weekend off, by the way. I always feel grateful when I see construction workers and roofers and stuff. I take a moment. This is in my Buddhism. I take a moment. I find my breath. And I get thankful that I'm hilarious and not fucking hammering nails for a thing.

Well, I did that shit for a summer. I've done both. I did roofing a couple times. Twice. Did you really? Yeah. I got sunburned. I got stung by a bee and I quit.

I couldn't carry a thing. I'm afraid of bees. I couldn't do it. I almost killed myself. I'd rather jump off and break my patella in both ankles than get stung by a hornet oh i've been i ran over a nest as a kid cutting the grass wasps there was a nest underground oh i didn't even know that existed did i tell you about the time i slam dunked the branch i was doing like i was like 12 with my whole family and i was doing like jordan and i was like jordan and i jumped up

and slammed a brand i grabbed up thing everyone in my family got stung except for me it just they went they went crazy and i just ran maybe that's why that doesn't touch you anymore that might be it might be it i got stung seven times in one arm and my grandmother i think i told this on a previous podcast my grandmother from italy uses the high tech you know all the high tech medical shit she soaked rocks and ice water and then put them on my arms the cold rocks oh wow to make the swelling or down. But, you know. Did it work? Yeah, because the rocks stay cold for a long time.

The ice cubes would melt. It was 110 on an August day. Oh, wow. See that? Old school Guinea. That's pretty good. Then she threw the rocks at my grandfather. Maybe I'll throw some rocks in my freezer. She's like William Wallace.

Maybe I'll put some rocks in my freezer just in case I get an outbreak. They were up on the rope, though. God bless these guys. They were up there at 630. They came down at like 630 that night. Wow. And I mean, they had lunch for about a half hour. Wow.

And white. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't fuck with either one of these guys. Bobby, my brother-in-law, is just a quiet, nice guy. Painfully shy. Yeah. He's got a few tattoos on his chest and shit.

Right. Sounds like my dad. He's been known to, you know, hit the sauce a little bit. But just the nicest guy you ever want to meet who can fix it. See, this whole man cave we're doing this show, and he did all this. Oh, wow. He did all this. This was like a shithole down here.

Oh. And he framed everything out and the sheetrock. I mean, he can do anything. The electricity, all that stuff. But he's up on the roof. And he says he loves roofing out of all this stuff wow but these guys are up there and and and then johnny my my wife's cousin johnny he's got like tattoo sleeves on both arms yeah and um real men he got into an encounter a road rage thing two guys uh chased him into a parking lot and he defended himself and ended up having

to go away to college, as they say, for a few years. Oh, wow. He weighs about 140 pounds. So can what? Say a little of those blowjob hacks. Henry! But I love these guys. Salt of the earth. And they're up there. They're so funny. They're up there, you know, cigarettes in the mouth, no sunblock on.

Their backs are glowing. Now I've been reading the sun is actually healthier than it is bad. But not in doses like that. Not in long doses. Not 12-hour stints with no sun. I read that roofers actually live longer. There's more chance of the sun fighting things. Our friend Kevin Knox did

all alternative medicine. He swore by the sun. So, yeah, the vitamin D. And vitamin E as well, and the sun is yeah the vitamin d there's some vitamin e as well and the sun is like it it uh so why all this commotion about fucking global warming in the ozone fuck it let it in well that's a totally different thing i think what do you mean well that's that's part of it what do you think's heating up the fucking planet the sun could be a villain super villain i don't know. Ever since I sat down, I feel very... I know.

People at home, can you tell Joe's demeanor just changed? I keep running out of, what do you call it? Circulation in my life. I have very bad circulation. My hands go numb in like 60 degree weather. What are you, Jessica Tandy? What the fuck, you 110 year old broad? I don't know.

My dad has it too. In warm weather? Not warm weather, but like 40. My hands go numb quick. That's bad circulation. I got bad circulation. That's what I said. What does that mean?

Does that mean I'm going to die? Well, you mean... Like a cancer? No, it means your feet. You'll go to a Patriots game in December. Your toes are going to snap off. I know. It's terrible.

I had it my whole life. It's brutal. When we used to go sledding, I used to cry because my fingers would be numb real quick. Well, maybe you're just wearing boots too tight, Joey. It could be. Joey boots. Yeah. So these guys are on the roof and just working their ass off.

Right. I'm down here doing Pilates, looking up at them. Hey, is it hot up there? Let me get you some iced tea. Now, how long does the whole job take? They were here for two days, 12-hour days. Wow. And they got probably another week for two days, 12-hour days. Wow. And they got probably another week and two more days doing the same thing.

So they knocked the whole thing out in four days? They'll knock it out in four days. Wow, but still no TV. And it's a decent-sized roof. And you have beautiful TVs, too. It kills me that this isn't being used. Oh, for a few days. It gets overused.

I know, but the cup final. But I know, you can go up on the roof and adjust. There's a button on the thing. And the thing this is and you know people on twitter they'll all weigh in going this is what you had to do and but uh you know you turn this thing and it adjusts the tilt right and the elevation anyways we we couldn't get it to come in and they said yeah uh wednesdays as soon as? You know, I used to work there. They're like, yeah, we know. That's why it'll be Wednesday.

So, yeah. And then I'm going away Thursday. Where are you going? Fort Lauderdale Improv, folks. I'll be there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I have to get down there a day early for press. Which is, I think, 13, 14, and 15, I believe. Wow.

Check. I'm always wrong with the dates. But that's this weekend at 13, 14, and 15, I believe. Wow. Check. I'm always wrong with the dates, but that's this weekend at the Improv at the Hard Rock Casino. Wow. Fort Lauderdale.

Spent a weekend there one night. Did you, did you do that with me? I've never done that room before, but I stayed, the worst hotel

I ever stayed in in America was in Fort Lauderdale. It was the end of a nine day trip to, me and my friend Tom Dustin,

who, you know, we went to Miami and then we went to Key West for seven days, and we went to Fort Lauderdale. That's when we got robbed by prostitutes the first day we were there. They were male, though, right? No. Wasn't that Key West?

Key West. It was a large lady of the night, African-Americana, about 250 pounds, two of them. One stuck her tits on each eye. She bounced her tits in my eyes. You were fucking robbed by the Pouncey Brothers. Yeah, the other one was touching my cock and went through my duffel bag and took $1,000 in cash.

It was pre-ATM. I didn't have an ATM. Were they 250 pounds? No, but they were big. They were hefty. Bigger than you? Yeah, they looked like, you remember Papa Shango, the professional wrestler? Looked a little bit like that.

Papa Shango? Yeah, he was like an a little bit like that. Papa Shango? Yeah, he was like an early 90s wrestler. Although he might have been white. I can't remember. Did he fight the Ultimate Warrior? Yes, he fought the Ultimate Warrior. Did he really? Yeah, he poisoned him, made him throw up and die.

That was the thing? That was one of the things, the angles, whatever. I only watched wrestling for like three years, but I remember all of it real well. But anyways, these big heavy girls. They stole 500 bucks in cash from my buddy tom on a toilet she was like sucking his dick on the toilet and going through his pockets and then mine they didn't get my dick suck she stuck her tits in my face so now anytime i look at my money i think about how much money i have i always add a thousand dollars to it because i got robbed but that was my day one of the trip i'm just

picturing this guy getting blown on the toilet. Yeah. While she's going through his pockets. That's why I never wear pants on the toilet. Sometimes I shit in the tub. That's why I never receive blowjobs from hookers. From what? Offensive linemen?

From the Longhorns? Oh my God, that's a riveting story. It was pretty brutal, yeah. That was my Fort Lauderdale experience. happened in miami though the robbery but fort lauderdale was the last i like lauderdale we used to go there on spring break when we were kids my uh freshman year my senior year in high school we went down to fort lauderdale that was where everybody went to spring break and about the third day in i lost lost my wallet. Oh, wow. How much dough were we talking?

You know, whatever, you know, I don't know. Probably had a couple hundred in cash. I mean, whatever. But, you know, you get your license and all that shit, so I'm sneaking around the rest of the trip. Right. And borrowing money from my buddies and stuff. Yeah, it's brutal.

It wasn't much money, actually. There wasn't much cash in it. That's right. You know how I know that? Barely enough to pay for the coffin. There you go. When I get back from spring break. Yeah.

You all right, John? I'm very uncomfortable. I got to keep moving. Jesus Christ, what do I have to get you? A fucking dolly? Maybe a recliner, a chair of some sort. Oh, my God. You hear this, folks?

This guy's done one Letterman, and I get him on a beautiful bunny boy sofa. Bunny boy? I don't know. It's fucking fits two people. Yeah, but I tried to lay down. I'm too long for it. Hold on. Hold on.

I'm going to get... Hold on. What are you getting? I'm going to fix this. What am I supposed to... Am I supposed to carry the show here? Yes. Oh, God.

Well, folks, hit, deep, cot. That was a Major League Two reference. Nick's getting me pillows, a plethora of pillows. Yeah, here you go. Put it behind your back. Oh, wow. This is amazing. Lay back the way you were.

I know, but it was hurting my neck. I had to turn my head. It's unbelievable. It's like I'm interviewing somebody from a convalescent home. What am I, from Visiting Angels? Boy, this is unbelievable. This is too much. Now it's too much.

Now you get too many pillows. You should open with this. If you laid the way you were laying, put the pillow under your feet. All right, this is unbelievable. This is too much. Now it's too much. Now you get too many pillows. You should open with this. If you laid the way you were laying, put the pillow under your feet. All right, I'm laying. Jesus Christ. Should I change a catheter? Hold on. It's like interviewing somebody in their late hundreds.

This is something. Yeah, but now you're going to get the circulation problem. Put the pillow up. I'm telling you. That's the position. I feel like Hyman Roth. You feel like Hyman? Remember he's got his leg up on the thing? I feel like Hyman Roth. You feel like Hyman? Anyway.

Remember he's got his leg up on the thing? I'd give six men to take a piss without it hurting. Oh, here we go. Boy, this is living. Yeah, there you go. We could do a three-hour show here. Absolutely. I mean, I don't know about content, but comfortable.

Comfortability. Two of it of you snoring. Oh, boy. This is living. It's getting warm in here, too. Oh, boy. Well, that's you, not me complaining is living. It's getting warm in here, too. Oh, boy. Well, that's you, not me complaining. I think it's nice and comfy in here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's like 119. Look at that. This is your picture of you with Letterman. That's exciting. I got the picture. Yeah, that's my first Letterman.

You got the blue card. Yeah, he gave me the card that he was holding in his hand. Oh, wow. And as you can see, I told you, you know, I ripped the tits off. You saw it. Yeah. And he writes, okay. I hope he's being sarcastic. I think he's just doodling. It's just a

doodle. Okay. He wrote unbelievable in mine. It'd be funny if it was a picture of me with a knife in my hand. He wrote best I've ever seen in the back of mine, but you know, what can was a picture of me with a knife in my hand. He wrote Best I've Ever Seen in the back of mine. But, you know, what can you do? He looks like a ghoul up front, up close. He's all made up. I don't know if you want to say that on a podcast.

We want to do the show again. No, he looks like a ghouled father. A really good father. All right. Well, that was the worst. Ghoul is a compliment? I don't know. Yeah, he's old.

My wife almost ran him over. I told you, right? No. She rides horses up in his hometown. Oh, yeah? And she's driving up there, and there's a guy jogging in the street, and he's like three feet in the street, and my wife almost clipped him. Wow.

And she looks in her mirror, and it was lettering. Jesus. That'd be good, huh? But I'm thinking about doing another one i told you yeah you should six months back they said you asked me if they you know if i had anything material and i you know i said well i want the dvd in my hand so let me wait right but uh then i go with joe to let him in and and start chatting up uh bill chef who i love he's worked there forever yeah great guy he wanted me on because he likes me all the time so i said all right i'll put something together so tonight i was going to go to the cellar and put

four or five minutes down right and uh i told you what they were you know yeah that's how i did i kept one of the cellar and they give you the dvd right afterwards they're real good there yeah that's why uh that's why i plugged it on there and it looked nice to me and uh you where was i i was at the montreal comedy festival on my first one oh yeah they plugged me which was good the second one i don't even know where it is i have it on i have it somewhere andy's got it somewhere on dvr she remember everything was on disc she transferred everything right to digital i don't know where it is she knows where it is but uh i don't even look at it i don't think I've ever seen the second one.

It was fine. The first one's unbelievable, though. Yeah, it was fine. But it was so good, they asked me six years later to come back. Yeah, you should go on there and do it again. I'll go with you. Yeah, you should. Only if you bring your parents, though.

Then when I see them, I can be like, hey, don't forget me, and then I'll go again. We'll be able to keep going. How about right before Joe was, they were about to come get him in the green room, like three minutes before I went up to Joe, I go, one of the security guys just told me they escorted your mother from the audience. We don't know why. Something about chest pains.

Just what you want to hear. Joe, who's going to win the cup? I think the Los Angeles Kings are going to win. Oh, you're going out on a limb. No, I said that too. I know. I mean, they're up two. I don't know if you asked me before.

I thought the Kings, I thought any Western Conference team would beat just about any Eastern Conference team. Yeah, that surprised me. California is king this year. I thought San Jose, Anaheim, and L.A. were like the three best teams. Isn't it unbelievable that the L.A. Kings had to win three game sevens on the road? Unbelievable. On the road, folks.

That's never been done before. Unless if they sweep the Rangers, they won't do it. But they're going to tie or break the Bruins record for most postseason games. Is that right? We had three seven-game series and a five-game series. Yeah. They were down three games to none to San Jose. Came back and won.

That's incredible. I hope your hockey, again, people are wrapped up in basketball. But yeah, I've never seen a team that gets down by two goals and doesn't, they actually get better. Yeah, unbelievable. And I love that they have an American goalie, an American captain, a New Englander. Why should that matter? The last I checked, the actually get better. Yeah, unbelievable. And I love that they have an American goalie, an American captain, a New Englander. Why should that matter?

The last I checked, the planet's round. Oh. That doesn't sound like Nick DiPaolo, does it? Because it's not. I root for the Americans. I love the Americans. Me too. I mean, I like the, I don't know.

No, I'm telling you, this is me when somebody scores. Goal! Goal! Andre Sheva! No, go! We yell in Italian in my house when hockey's on. Are you excited about the World Cup? Are you getting into the World Cup this year? You're actually asking me that with a straight face.

I love the World Cup. You've got to love the World Cup. They could play that in my front yard. I'd be going, get the fuck off my lawn, you French fruit cup. I love the World Cup. It gets spicy. In a story everyone's arguing about, they yell about it. I know. I lived in a story when the World Cup It gets spicy In a story everyone's arguing about They yell about it

I know I lived in a story When the World Cup was going on You know what else happens? You go into a restaurant You can't get any service Because everybody's in the kitchen Watching the game

Right 19 illegals Surrounded around a black and white It's sort of similar to hockey I'm waiting for my Shake fucking chicken parmesan They're similar games It's similar to hockey

It's not even close to hockey It's why I hate it Because it's not hockey similar to hockey. It's not even close to hockey. It's why I hate it because it's not hockey. Look, it's a fun sport to play, and I understand the world appeal. Right. Okay? And I don't question the athletes and shit. I'm just saying it's not a spectator sport, not for Americans.

They've been pushing this on me since I was six. Right. Saying it was going to be the big thing, and it still isn't for a reason. Okay? Like I said, nobody wants to watch teams play in the frigging neutral zone. I can appreciate the skill and all. I'm just saying as a spectator sport, eat me. It sucks. I enjoy it.

I enjoy it because you earn that excitement when it gets close to the net. It's similar to hockey. It happens a lot more. Obviously, I like hockey a lot more. That's what I mean. And basketball is just too much the other way, where people trade baskets, meaningless baskets, for two hours. I agree.

I've had this discussion on every podcast. Folks, I promise I won't do it next time. But I just, soccer, I'm so tired. I've been hearing it's going to be the next best thing since I was in first grade. I just can't, you know. So hockey is the happy medium for you. It's right in the middle. It's between soccer and basketball.

Yeah, because when you get a scoring chance, like you said, there's a lot weighing on it. Right. But you don't have to wait an hour and a half for another. But soccer, you get a corner kick. It's very exciting. It's a big chance. And then it goes away. And then when you start to see it develop and you're like, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, he kicked it out of bounds. So now he's going to throw it in like a girl with two hands over his head. Right. Well, I dig it. And I do my pool every year. Oh my God, you're in a World Cup pool? I do my own pool every year.

You put in 20 bucks and then you draw teams randomly and then you win. Last World Cup, I spent all the money and then I had to go into my savings to pay it off. You had to go into your kick? Yeah. You had to go into your own kick pay off. You had to go into your kick? Yeah. You had to go into your own kick? Yeah. Did you really? Yeah.

I lost a lot of money in 19, I want to say 92 World Cup. I had Ghana minus two versus India. And India came down with the shits, the whole team. From a Chick-fil-A, by the way, ironically, not India. No. So you really do get into it. I love it. Astoria, by the way ironically not india um so you really do get into astoria astoria by the way folks for people that uh it's literally the most the most diverse neighborhood in the nation

yeah they speak like 168 uh languages and that's only one bodega it's my apartment that's right your apartment that's right you got that indian guy i slept there he watched uh my indian roommate watched my letterman he was like oh, Oh my God, do you clean up? Well, Joe, you look good in suit. He couldn't believe it. He was like starstruck. I don't think he knew that I was a comedian. I've lived with him for eight years and he was like, I could not believe this. You look great in your suit. This is nuts. I stayed over Joe's once a couple of years ago and there's a sheet blocking the doorway to a bedroom honestly got a sheet folks i swear to fucking god and uh i kind of look you know

the sheet isn't completely covering door he's like two inches i can i so i peek my head and i see a guy that looks like he looks like every limo driver in manhattan no he looked like the indian guy from seinfeld oh right uh that's what i. A guy, an Indian guy in his late 60s staring at me. Right. And I'm going, what's he doing in there? He lights incense and shit. It smells like a little seance in there. He lights his farts.

Seven pounds of curry before he hits the sack. Well, he cooks on Sunday. He cooks for the week. So it just smells like crazy Indian food. Smells like goat balls. Yeah, yeah. Right? He sacrifices stuff in there.

It's a whole thing. He puts on face paint. He offered me a dish of deep fried pigeon feet. They were... It's fun. It's very... And then we got Fred Cantor staying at the house right now. Oh, that's Jason Cantor's dad.

Jason Cantor's dad, yeah. And... The guy I made a bet with that Romney was going to win. And old Freddie boy said, no way. And he's still looking to collect. Yeah. So he shows up at Letterman. And I'm, you know, it's so funny.

I said, I tried to hand him like 60 bucks. Yeah. That's what a steak costs. Right. He goes, I don't want that. I want to go to dinner with you. And I'm like, okay. But, you know, and he's like, no, I'm here for like 10 days.

And I wanted to go, what makes you think you're going to see me? It's like a make a wish. He wants to have dinner with you. You're his hero. Are you kidding? I'm his hero. He's a huge Tough Crowd fan. He loves Tough Crowd and he likes talking politics.

He likes comedy. How can he be such a liberal dope with his politics? He's not a liberal dope. He's a smart, educated, former lawyer. I know he is. I'm kidding. I like Fred. Great guy.

Cancer, too. Survivor. Yes, cancer. Yeah, he's got a bunch of cancer. Did he beat it? Yeah, he hasn't had it in like two and a half years now. He gets it annually, every September. But he's beating it.

Oh, anally. Yeah, anally. No, I swear to God, I thought he said anally. He jammed it in there anally. I thought it was on his leg. No, yeah, it's on his leg. But it dripped down from his anus. Once a year. Oh, anally. Yeah, anally. No, I thought, I swear to God, I thought he said anally. He jammed it in there anally. I thought it was on his leg. No, yeah, it's on his leg, but it dripped down from his anus. Once a year. Oh, is it?

It's metastasized? Yeah. He shit it out into his calf. But, yeah, I didn't, no, I liked Fred, so I just have to avoid him for another eight days. Yeah, he'll be fine. Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to Fort Lauderdale. I'm going to pit my stomach.

It's not exciting. It's fun being on stage. Quinn hates that room. Joe's yawning. Again, every time I have him up here, he yawns right in the middle of the audience. Well, I'm laying down. You gave me four pillows.

Oh, for Christ's sake. I'm on a recliner with three pillows and you gave me chamomile tea and you gave me a Xanax. So I snorted it right before we started. It's also dim lighting. No, it isn't dim lighting. I left the overhead light on specifically

so you wouldn't fucking yawn into the microphone. Occasionally I yawn, you know. I mean, come on. I get nervous. You should be excited. You took a train up here. It's a big thing. I am excited.

I think I'm getting a ride back, right? Oh, you keep yawning, you're not. I'll fucking drag you behind my car. I got a hot set at the strip tonight. The old comic strip. But you got that Letterman juice now, see? So some broad who's trying to be a comic

is going to see you. Yeah. And go, I saw your Letterman spot. Can I touch you, dirty nuts? Yeah. I got the girl now. I got to marry my girlfriend

because she cried. She cried why? I told you, Goldman hit her with an M&M. She wouldn't shut up during the set. Maureen started to talk like right when you came out

and I went, shut up. Oh my goodness. Who I like, by the way. Yeah. She's good looking, bro. Canadian though. Yeah. All of those things.

You know? Boy, it was, it was real fun. What a, what a, it was quite a day. And now, and now I'm back to normal. It's a bummer. No one cares now. And it's all faded away. That's not true.

It's exciting. You got, you said you talked to Jimmy Serpico, who is Dennis Larry's partner. Well, they emailed. We're going to set up a meeting, I think. But then I haven't heard back again yet, so I get nervous. That's how that works. Oh, don't get nervous over that. Yeah.

Don't get nervous. Don't get nervous. No. I know Jimmy well. I got to get in touch with them, too. Yeah, you should. They used to be, I don't know if I fell out of favor with them, but they used to use me for everything.

Right. Every, you know, the me for everything. Right. You know, the first couple of rows. Right. Dennis produced, and then the comics come home. He's yawning again, folks. Contagious. I'm laying down.

It doesn't mean anything. You know what I mean. I need a smoothie. That's what I need. Give you a fucking smoothie. Give you a smoothie with Coke in it. I'm ready to break your sobriety right here. Honey, get him a glass of, you know what, Maker's Mark, please.

Pour it over your head. Can you get him a drink? Can I get a drink or something? What movie was that from? There's some cognac in the fridge. Just sweat it out a little bit. A little food in the icebox. Yeah, what was that from? That was from The Godfather.

Okay. food in the icebox yeah what was that from that was from the godfather okay that's joe's dad in the balcony halfway through joe's set yeah i don't know what my parents really my dad thought i don't know what the hell you know what i mean he tell me what he has said since. He said zero things about it. Zero. He didn't say, nice job, son. No. No, nothing.

Oh, my God. It never does. I have quite a complex. Yeah, it's a problem. One time, I don't know if I told you this, too, but we were all, this is when I was drinking. I was drinking with my parents. My dad's like, you know, I know my dad loves me. And just like my son knows I love him. Oh, that's his way and i was like i agree with that and i was like i don't know either of those things i think you hate me i think your dad hates you too well what do you need him to finger pop you i don't know how nice i like you would be nice a

high five maybe a handshake i like kissing the lips i don't know no but that was him saying i love you yeah i think well someone's told me before you know i was like telling i have some friends visiting and i was telling some stories and he was just like watching me and laughing so i have to like take it i'm like i guess i guess he enjoys really like you yeah he's got a little thing for me maybe he'll ask you out on a day um well your old man's not that old though there's that generation that's like that like like my dad's age. My dad's going to be 79 this fall. My dad was born in 57, so he's like 57 years old. Yeah. Yeah, 57.

That's a little young. They're usually more touchy-feely guys of that. My dad's 20 years old than your old man. I don't know. I think it's that Irish Catholicism thing. It is part of it. They're very- They're having 12 margaritas and he doesn't recognize you.

That's like, that's like, I told you this story, I watched a John Mulaney special with my parents and Mulaney does a joke and he goes, when you're Irish,

you hold in your feelings and then you die. And my mother fucking shit her pants laughing and my dad's just staring at her like real serious, like what is that, what's funny about that?

My mother's just crying. Yeah. I don't remember my old man about that? My mother's just crying. Yeah. I don't remember my old man saying that, that he loved me. I just know. I think I actually said this on stage. I go, yeah, I sort of had a, you know, had a feeling. Like when he, you know, come to every game of mine, when I played football up at Maine.

Right. And in high school, he'd leave work at three in the afternoon, had to drive me into Boston at rush hour to get a leather harness to keep my shoulder in the socket so I could play that weekend. And when I dislocated my shoulder in Winthrop and he had to find a hospital and, you know, he put me in Little League. Right. But, you know, I bet you your dad is a little, yeah,

because of the Irish Catholic thing. I don't know. One time my dad, a little uh yeah because of the irish catholic thing i don't know one time my dad when i remember having a fever when i was a kid and uh some guy he cut some guy off and then because trying to get to the doctor and then the guy like confronted him my dad was like fuck you i got a sick kid here fuck you and i remember being like oh that was something even at like nine i was like oh wow that was i like the fact that he's rushing you to a hospital because you have a fever. Yeah, it was. Oh, I had like a. What, did he get bit by a snake?

Well, I was hallucinating, and I had like a temperature of like 103 or something. Holy shit. It was wild, yeah. Did they leave you in the car at Target? It was fun. My dad left me in the car at Puppagino's one time. Oh, he almost left me at Puppagino's. I was playing like the Atari game, and I looked up, and he was gone.

I ran out, and I banged on the passenger window and he was already backing up. And I just looked at him. And I think he's got a complex about it. I do too. We got a lot of things to work out. But he didn't say anything about the Letterman thing. No, he doesn't say things.

My father, they, in an interview, they did some interview about comedy with me. And my parents were in it too. I guess they called my parents after they talked to me. My father goes, yeah, I like it, okay? I could do without the language.

Oh, wow. And I called him. I go, what the fuck's your problem? And he said, go fuck yourself. Don't ever go over my head again. You've been warned. You motherfucker.

Watch that again for the 11th time. I've been more than 11. No, it's about 11. Really? That's it? Yeah. Not like you. Christ's sake, I met you. You had already seen Goodfellas 106 times. I've probably seen Goodfellas 150 times. I love it.

Anyways, yeah. I wanted to bring Joe on because that's a big deal he broke his cherry yeah it was very exciting I appreciate you being there it was really fun I'm glad you had me I had to talk him into having me come he had like six other people

I was last on the list what the hell else oh before we go let's talk about and god bless these guys tracy morgan oh yeah and this horrible accident this weekend yeah on the jersey turnpike which doesn't surprise me because it is the most dang i swear to god between that and the sawmill parkway i can't believe i'm still alive those are the only two highways that i drive but they are i mean they call i was reading the paper they call it the black dragon that's what the state cops call

call the turnpike oh really excuse me yeah they say even when you're a cop they won't let you work it for like the first 18 months till you learn it why because it's so dark on there it's dangerous it's just so many lanes right people drive like maniacs and there's a ton of trucks and you know at one point it says trucks you know know, state of the right, cars to the left. And I see why. Yeah. Because every time I'm on that goddamn thing, I'm sandwiched between two 18-wheelers, a rig in front of me. I forgot to move the phone.

Ignore that, folks. And it's just really frigging dangerous. Right. And God bless these guys, man. Artie Fuqua, he's a guy that you all know him if you go to the comedy cellar he hosts almost every show one of the most likable guys you'll ever meet genuinely one of my favorite people that i've met great guy and and and i know tracy a little bit you know and uh i think but arty you said arty's in a rough shape yeah i think

he's in in pretty rough shape i mean, I think he's in pretty rough shape. I mean, nothing's official or whatever, but it's not good. Except critical, you know. Yeah, I think he remains in critical condition. And critical is, that's bad news. I mean, critical is. They use it more now. It's more ubiquitous, the word critical, than it used to be.

Right. You know? They throw it around a lot now. Right. And I'm hoping that's the case here. But what you told me, I mean, he sounds legitimately critical. Yeah, it's all they throw it around a lot now but uh and i'm hoping that's the case here but what you told me i mean he sounds legitimately critical yeah it's bad news he met my parent that night of the letterman we went with my parents my parents met him and he hung out with us for a few minutes and it was like the next night i guess yeah uh so yeah but arty's just a great guy and

and just an unbelievable amount of energy i think he's's 69 years old, for God's sake. In the paper, I said he was 43? I think he's 43, yeah. But just unbelievable energy. Great host. Charisma. Always in charisma. I've just never seen a guy enjoy his life more. A guy just lost his son a couple years ago.

I mean, the tragedy. He's got a daughter, too, who just lost her brother and now this. He's got like a teenage daughter. It's fucking crazy and uh and and tracy uh it sounds more like tracy is in better shape than already yeah and what you tell me but i've also heard that this is all rumors too i feel like uh someone also said that like there was rumors that tracy's doing all right and then someone else said that's that's all bullshit that's just like the paparazzi's trying to make up stories that he's not doing real well either so i don't really uh it all seems like hearsay in the paper which isn't paparazzi um they said he was smiling with a neck brace on but again what does that mean but then

yeah he broke his femur and he broke his ribs and his nose. Right. I talked to someone that said he thought that was bullshit. But then no one fucking knows. Now, who was that? Dr. Skelly? It was Dr. Phil. And then what was the other guy that died? Jimmy? Jimmy Mack.

James McNair, who's a 63-year-old comic. I know. And still doing it, God bless him. Yeah. And he lives up in Peekskill, not far from me. Yeah. And can you imagine still out there banging away? Right.

And he was a big influence on Tracy and these guys. Yeah, that's what I heard. And then my buddy Harris Stanton was in the car too. But he just hurt his wrist and has been released. But he's going to have that survivor's guilt, I guess, also. But yeah, I don't know. Harris is a great guy. Former pro ball player.

Baseball. Bosoms, mate. Bosoms. That would be a reference from John. That was a John's reference, yeah. So, yeah, we're all... Pray for these guys. Good guys.

And, really, I was shocked. It's funny. On Saturday, I come down, I check my email, right? And there's something from my agent saying, the Boston Herald called, and they want you to comment on Tracy Morgan. That's all it said. Right. Now, I had no idea because I have no TV, right, because of the roof. Right.

So I have no idea what's going on. And I thought they meant he must be performing in Boston, and they want me to comment on his comedy right which i'm like i'm not you know right i'm busy so i had no idea and then i you know find out the next day what then i put two and two together right so uh jesus i i was shocked it's weird i was at the cellar last night, and you know, more than anyone, the cellars, they keep a real family atmosphere. It feels like you belong to a family there. That's right. And Artie's there so much that it's a somber feeling.

We're at the table, and we're sort of goofing around, but it's sort of all very lighthearted. I've been at the table for a lot of tragedy there, man. Yeah, it's a strange thing, arty is such a uh fixture there and he's there when he's not working there he's there you know whenever somebody dies they always say oh this guy is bigger than life right he really is this guy fills a room right like a positive energy right which i can use at all times right but always gives me a hug and and just uh so yeah say a prayer for these guys and um yeah that table man first it was manny hired this guy who was like a fix-it guy he was an ex-con he was a biker

right man he said i will give you a job manny duomo was a guy that used to own the comedy cell i'll give you a job you know on one condition that you have to you know be honest with me right and the guy you know the guy was working there for like three years. Right. He could fix anything unbelievable. He dies of a heroin overdose. Oh, wow. Then Manny gets cancer like a year later.

He's gone. And then Geraldo, then Patrice. And like you said, it's a family. Right. And it's, so let's hope these guys pull through. Yeah, for sure. Why the hell they ended on this? It was such an upbeat show, but I just looked down at my notes and wanted to cover everything.

Right. All right, Joey boy. So I sell it tonight. Should I do my jokes right now? Yeah, do your joke. I don't know how I'm going to get up from here, by the way. These pillows. I'm stuck here forever.

No, we have a... A pulley system? No, there's a thing under that couch, you know, airbag. When I hit this button, you're going to go through my kitchen roof and land in a fucking tree. Yeah, I was going to do my... I don't know if I should do the... No, I won't do the bits now. What are the great bits? I was going to...

Well, there's one bit that i'm think i'm going to do if again if i do let him in but i was going to do this thing where about political correctness is out of control even at my dentist office he's got a poster on the wall and it was so politically correct it was making me angry it was called life's little lessons how to be a nice person and enjoy your life at the same time. And there was 50 things. I read them all, and I've only done two of them. The first one was when you meet somebody, treat them the way you'd want them to treat you.

So, you know, yesterday I spent an hour giving a Jehovah Witness a back rub, making him a BLT. Second one was be the first to say hello. That's how I get in this mess with a Jehovah Witness in the first place. I love that. The third one was never refuse an outstretched hand. Even if it's really chubby, coming from behind the shower curtain of a girl you just picked up in a dark bar. The next one was, oh, at least once once a year enjoy a sunrise and a sunset which i uh you know which i can do thanks to my virginia ham size prostate i could do both of

those during one p never refuse homemade brownies that's a type of advice that kept Sandusky in business for 20 years. Always sing in the shower. Even if I'm in prison, surrounded by five crips who haven't had sex in two years, yeah, let me belt out something from Guys and Dolls. Always wave to children on a school bus. Even if

the judge told me not to. And what was the last one? this is only eight of 50 of them um think big thoughts but relish small pleasures which is exactly what my wife does when i'm having sex with her so that's gold it's a tricky bit because it's like you said with a regular bit it's just your words. Right. With this bit. Yeah, you've got to remember some douche's sentences. Exactly right. But I think it's self-contained.

And you know how you get a round of applause, hopefully. It takes up a lot of time. Right. And then I was going to also do the cell phone bits and how my friends are obsessed with them and i don't get it and they're like well they can do anything i'm like what well you can watch movies on them like well i can watch movies at home but that's not the point you can watch movies anywhere and i'm like uh what's the rest of that picture you can watch movies anywhere and

i said where are you watching movies and they're work. Oh, you're watching movies at work. Okay. You know, I wonder why China's economy has grown 50 times faster than ours. In China, they tie a guy to his workbench. If he doesn't make 50 Tupperware lids by 5 o'clock, they put a bolt in his head. Meanwhile, over here, 400 Americans about to die on a train because the conductor's watching a Silver Spoons marathon on Hulu. That's gold. It's a beautiful sentence.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Dad, are you going to... Yeah, so that's... Let's see if I can memorize it. That's part of it. And the other bit I might do that I told you about. Right.

All right, kids. Joe's falling asleep. I'm not falling asleep. I'm listening. I'm happy. I'm enjoying it. I'm just comfortable. No, I'm kidding.

I got three pillows. We've done enough. Folded in half. Again, I don't get paid for this. I feel like I'm laid up here. What time is it? I have no idea. It's five of six.

I want to get down there before eight o'clock. So I'll go upstairs. I'll make you fish sticks and pudding. That's in my contract. I got three pillows, four fish sticks, and two puddings. I'll have a broccoli smoothie. Yeah, let's make some smoothies. With an M&M topping.

Touchdown. You got any pizza? Maybe we should get a pizza. All right. I'll think about it. I'll order up a pie. I'll see that. Kissing the lips. All right. I'll think about it. I'll order up a pie. I see that. Kissing the lips.

All right. Work out. I would love a pizza right now. Let me text my dad, find out what he thought. Yeah, see if he can get something out of him. Fucking Rain Man. He texted me when I went to Iraq. Mick Rain Man, I should say.

He texted me when I went to Iraq. He said, I'm proud of you. Be safe. He didn't say I love you, though? Nah, maybe. He might have texted it. Maybe he did love me. I'm proud of you. Like you're going over there fucking. Like I'm proud of you. Be safe. He didn't say I love you, though? Nah, maybe. He might have texted it. Maybe he didn't love you. I'm proud of you.

Like you're going over there fucking. Like I'm fighting. Yeah, exactly. What are you, the lone survivor? Yeah, on Last Comic Standing. I wish. That was a lone cutout. All right.

All right. Thanks for having me. Joey, nice job on Letterman. Appreciate it. I'm glad I got the breaking interview. Yeah. I probably didn't. That's probably bullshit, too.

But all right, kids. Until I talk to you next time, clean your ears, wash your dirty asses. Take care. Good night. Until we meet again. Adios. Au revoir. We'll be right back. guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm

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