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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riot, welcome kids.
The Nick DiPaolo podcast is on.
Might be one of the shorter ones in the history of this podcast.
Because it's about, I don't know, it's about 89 in my studio here.
I'm leaving the door a crack open.
You might hear birds and stuff.
Can you hear that?
You might hear a raccoon eating my dog.
Or the, you know, it's wildlife.
But I'm going to leave it open a crack.
Mama mia, it's hot but uh gotta leave it open a crack mama mia it's hot in here hey folks this uh episode of the nick dupalo podcast brought to you by thebooks.com let's
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So what's going on since I last talked to you?
Very interesting day today.
Not enough so to fill a full hour of this,
but got a call a couple hours ago.
You know, I was talking about
how I get bit by something
and went to the emergency room on Monday
when I got home from Florida.
And they put me on antibiotics.
The rash cleared up.
All that went away.
The fever went down.
So then this week, I called because I wanted my records transferred from the hospital, the emergency room, to my primary caregiver because I'm going to him on Friday.
Because they said my liver enzymes were elevated.
Don't know if that's from the infection or, like I said, maybe a many shots of jd after the shows um so yeah so i i called over i don't know over to the hospital
and i said you know i need my records transferred i get some ladies um voicemail she tries to call me back yesterday. I call her back today. And I said, can you transfer those to my
primary caregiver? And she goes, oh, by the way, you tested positive for Lyme disease.
Which I thought we had ruled out. Remember last week I was convinced it was the Chick V virus.
Remember last week I was convinced it was the chick V virus.
But I tested positive for Lyme.
And I don't know what to believe.
Because if you read everything on the internet, a lot of times tests for Lyme disease are very unreliable, it says.
So whatever.
But what bugged me was when I hung up, I'm like, wait a minute. They told me last week on Monday night that I would get the test for the Lyme disease on that Thursday.
If it was negative, they would not call me.
I wouldn't hear anything, which made me a little pissed. And I think is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
They should call you either way, just so you know they did their jobs on the other end either way.
Do you know what I'm saying?
What if someone overlooked my test or he got lost okay now i'm not hearing from anybody
and i'm walking around with lyme disease which is uh you know long term can be really serious
so i'm like i hang up today and then it starts dawning on me that these you know the only reason
i was talking to this woman in in the hospital again was because i wanted some records uh transferred it had nothing to do with my and
she throws in oh by the way so you know i should have known this last thursday according to them
so uh you know what a shitty way of doing stuff i just don't understand that so what if i didn't
call her and ask for my records you know
what i mean i gotta believe i would never heard from them nobody gives a shit anymore folks you
get the same and i know i was singing their praises last week but apparently i i jumped the
gun you know you get the same level of service at a hospital now as you do as you know at uh home depot or a bodega nobody really gives
a shit so it was really bugging me and now i'm wondering i wanted to you know luckily they pumped
the antibiotics in me last week so you know we gotta jump on it. Well, not really. I mean, we didn't know I had Lyme disease then, but, you know, that helped, obviously.
The rash went away and the fever went away.
So, yeah, I'm positive for Lyme disease, which my wife, a couple years ago,
this is what you get for living up here, you know, 12 minutes from the Canadian border.
I exaggerate.
I remember going to see one of Colin Quinn's one-man show.
I think it was, I don't remember the title,
one of the first ones, Irish Wake or something,
Sanctifying Grace, I think they called it.
But that was one of the things.
He was making fun of his relatives that live in the suburbs,
and they always invited him to cookouts,
but he didn't want to go because he didn't want to end up
with a tick on his balls, as they say in Brooklyn.
But, you know, my wife tested positive a couple years ago,
had to get treated.
Hers was real obvious.
She had like a bullseye on her leg.
It was about eight inches in diameter and bright fire engine red
with like rings, you know.
I remember throwing Nerf darts at it.
She didn't find it funny.
Mine didn't have those rings.
Mine wasn't as sophisticated.
But if you look at it and you read up on the internet,
it says only about 80% of them, only about 20% of them
have the bullseye type ring thing that she had.
the bullseye type ring thing that she had.
So, yeah.
So I had to go to the drugstore and pick up another prescription
of some type of antibiotic.
Doxidil, doxidil, whatever the fuck.
And, yeah, so I'm Lyme positive.
They got to change the name of that.
I don't give a shit if the guy's name was Lyme who discovered it.
Just, but that's what you get for nom nom.
Wondering, hey, does it come off?
We have a little dog, you know.
Did it come off the dog when I'm, whatever, or, you know,
when I'm outside cutting the grass?
That's right. I do my own lawn, folks. I'm Italian. We have when I'm outside cutting the grass that's right I do my own lawn folks
I'm Italian we have a connection with the earth um you know going under a trade that have fallen
I don't know I don't know how I missed it I checked myself because a couple years ago I found
like you know one on my shoulder before I was getting into the shower and it freaked me out
so I always do a thorough exam you know involves seven mirrors
and um anywho two weeks now i'm gonna be on this uh medicine and i'm still steaming at these
fuckers if i didn't call them back for something totally unreal not totally but indirectly related
to why i was there.
I would have probably never found this out.
I really believe that.
I'm calling the woman tomorrow, and I'm going to bust her chops.
I already called the doctor back.
I said, when did you know about this?
When did the hospital get the test?
Well, they told me yesterday.
It's like the IRS scandal.
Then my laptop crashed.
How about that fucking lying horse shit?
You've got to be kidding me. We lost her email. The hard laptop crashed. How about that fucking lying horse shit? Ugh, you gotta be kidding me.
We lost her email at the hard drive crash.
Ah, you have to be shitting me.
Most scandalous administration in the history of the world.
Don't get me started,
because I know some of you leftist douches can't handle it.
But you have to admit, this guy has been a total zero.
An ultimate disaster.
P. U. You owe the p you you owe the world you owe the
country an apology if you voted for him call me now at 1-800 apology um it's all burning up
i got the door open a crack and that's not enough uh you assist his ass
uh yeah i don't know what the fuck to talk about, folks.
I was just watching a little tube
and watching the sneaky liberal slant on the commercials.
I noticed a lot of the commercials,
now when it's about,
whenever it's about a children's hospital and stuff
and they interview the parents,
it's always the mother who's the stoic one and the dad.
They always get the dad crying. That's all they they show i'm sure there was two hours of editing
but that's the uh the other again the continuation of the gender bender the role reversal where the
woman is the emotionally strong one and i'm not saying there aren't some but they like i said
they usually have mustaches and mullets um but it's they always have to show the father now
tearing up it's a little
shit like that you think you're pulling it over our eyes but i pick up on it um
uh i just saw a commercial for healthgrades.com and it's a young mom with a little daughter on
her lap looking at the computer looking for a, and the mom says to the little girl,
but we want a girl doctor, right?
Why is that, douchelington?
Why the fuck is that?
Do you ever leave it alone,
you feminist fucks?
Do you ever leave it alone for a second,
you fucking agenda?
It's in every commercial,
it's in every movie,
and it's just every sitcom.'s in every movie and it's an it's just every sitcom
do you ever leave it alone do you take a fucking we want a girl doctor that's good that's a good
thing to teach it's a little broad to be a bitch by the time she's five why do you want a girl
doctor last time i checked uh men's grades in medical school still beat female grades. You can look that up. I don't make this shit up.
We want a girl doctor, don't we?
We don't want a dick looking at your little vagina, do we?
No.
We want somebody with tits.
Because that's what's important, right?
We don't want a white male doctor.
We want an Indian woman, don't we?
Un-fucking-believable.
They can't leave it alone.
How about the Liberty Mutual
commercials? By the way, this is the last
topic I have. The rest of it's going to be
zing, zing, zing.
Liberty Mutual, you know that one?
They show people
fucking up. One guy pulls
into his garage with a bike still tied to the roof.
Ruins his garage. Of course, white fucking up. Guy pulls into his garage with a bike still tied to the roof. Ruins his garage.
Of course, white fucking fella.
Another white fella on a tree cutting a limb.
It falls on his black neighbor's car.
Another dumb white fella.
Husband's out on the patio.
The wife shuts the door.
He walks into the glass door not realizing it was closed.
Another dumb white suburban husband it's just hilarious
i don't know who the fuck you think you're fooling it just goes on and on and again i was the first
to pick this shit out maybe not the first but i jumped on all over a diet coke commercial back in
the uh back in the day my first c, Born This Way, where there was a handsome
construction worker and a bunch of chicks whistling at him. The whole role reversal thing.
Ah, goodness. And it's just, I could go on forever. I think I should do that. But I don't
think I'd get in trouble if I use the commercials right off the TV. You probably have to get some
kind of permission from the company or whatever. But I could do a 12-hour one-man show.
I just run these commercials and show you the little horseshit stuff that they do.
The gender bending, the progressive horseshit.
The world the way they want it to be instead of the way it really is.
Because it really hasn't changed as much as you'd like to fucking believe.
Just makes me laugh.
Hours of commercials like that.
Yeah, that's healthgrades.com.
We want a girl doctor.
Oh my God, it's about 102 in here now.
Maybe I get the fever.
Maybe it's back.
Maybe it's a lamp.
Going to the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Yeah.
Haven't been up there in a few years.
That's a ball.
That's a lot of fun.
Back in the, hey, back in the early 90s, late 80s, early 90s, mid 90s. I mean, there was a lot of juice up there.
They were handing out TV deals.
I don't know why it changed.
Well, reality TV and the networks went broken.
But, you know, it was a big deal.
You go up there and everybody,
there'd be people from NBC,
actually, you know, important people and stuff.
And, you know, you'd walk away.
I remember landing a small deal,
nothing like my friend
Sue Costello
who walked away with like two deals
in one year
I mean like worth over a million bucks
actually yeah Sue Costello is a good little actress
I can see how that happened actually
but it's not like that anymore
but it's still fun
and they do the nasty shows
which a lot of comedy clubs have now emulated in the States.
But the nasty show at the Montreal Comedy Festival is just, it sells out first, naturally.
They call it the nasty show.
It's really just unadulterated comedy.
It's the way it should always be done.
In other words, people now need to put up a disclaimer the word
nasty you know it's coming and then they won't get mad but they still moan and stuff they still
kind of pc but it's the way comedy should be they shouldn't you shouldn't have to use the word nasty
it's just people cutting loose um and it's a lot of fun and And we're doing, I think, 15 shows.
This is, it starts like July 9th, I think, to the 13th.
And then I get to come home for like 8 or 10 days and go back for the 24th, 25th, and 26th to do the final four nasty shows.
We do the first 11 in like four or five nights.
It's like two shows a night and then three on Saturday night, something like that.
I don't have the schedule yet,
but if you're in Montreal or you want to go up
and have a great time,
you know,
it's really a ball.
And the broads in Montreal,
you young fellas out there,
holy moly,
makes Hollywood look like
a leper factory.
Jesus H.
I don't know what they do
with the French broads.
They rub poopine
on their legs and ass.
Even like chubby chicks up there are smoking.
It's unfreaking believable.
I figure I'm going to go out the first night and the first thing I'm going to go,
hey, that P.K. Subban can suck my white ass.
He's the black hockey player with the Canadians who I love, by the way.
The Bruins would be lucky to have him.
But just to get the audience.
It's the type of stuff you can do, you know, on a nasty show. They're expecting nasty and you give it to them. the Bruins would be lucky to have them, but just to get the audience.
It's the type of stuff you can do, you know,
on a nasty show.
They're expecting nasty, and you give it to them.
I, you know, so... I remember going up there going,
ah, Rocket Rashad takes it in the butt.
I didn't say butt.
Obviously, I said ass.
It was a nasty show.
Place is half laughing, half booing,
like 800 people.
I don't know if they do it in the same venues,
but there's a live band there.
They used to do it in something called,
a place called Club Soda.
It's like 600, 700, 800 seats.
And like I said, they're all sold out, the shows.
Bobby Slayton, the pit bull of comedy,
one of my favorites.
He hosted it for years.
I took it over for a couple years
because he got a deal at Hooters in Vegas.
They gave him a ton of
money to do comedy every night in vegas for like a year so they handed it to me i thought it was
mine i did it a couple years i'm like okay enough for him and um a few guys have done it since have
hosted it since but he is like the mayor of montreal he he did it for like 15 years in a row
and let me tell you something folks you think stand-up is easy even physically it's not that taxing a couple years that i hosted we did we did 15 or 16 17 shows i forget what it
was in about five or six night holy shit when you're the mc you back up and down back up and
down i don't know how slayton does it well maybe i do let me tell you something fellas i don't do
this stuff anymore bobby slayton talks like this let me tell you something, fellas. I don't do this stuff anymore. Bobby Slane talks like this.
Let me tell you something else, fellas.
You ever take a shower?
You ever take a shower with your wife?
And what happens?
She's under the warm water.
You're in the back with soap in your eyes and your dick curled up.
Let me tell you something else.
The Pitbull of comedy.
Let me tell you something.
And I wasn't even sure when I got the offer.
But then he calls me like a second after.
And I go, oh, my God, you're hosting this?
Yeah, I got to do it.
Because I could listen to that guy all day. He's as good a club comic. And I go. Oh my god. You're hosting this? Yeah. I gotta do it. Because I could listen to that guy all day.
He's as good a club comic.
As there ever was.
He's fucking funny.
And I like him a lot.
I think he's underrated.
And he's been doing it forever.
And I make jokes about the artificial energy he gets.
I don't know where the fuck he gets it.
From a guy named Tyrone.
On the corner of St. Catherine Street.
But.
Or a nice white French fella.
Um, and he's just an animal.
I mean, but, uh, when you, you know, it's the MC and then four comedians doing like 10 or 12 minutes a piece.
And, uh, you got to pay attention when you host.
You have to pay attention to every minute of it.
And that's, that's a long ass night when you do like three shows.
But man, the crowds,
they eat it up.
Even though they know it's coming,
they'll moan at shit.
And you have to set them straight.
Like, what the fuck?
Really?
Even at the nasty show?
But the city itself,
my draw,
if you've never been there,
go up there.
It is, the food is great.
And like i said
you can't stop looking around at the broads it's just phenomenal there's a place called the comedy
works i used to play up there it's a tiny room and it i can't hold more than it's gonna be i
don't know i want to say about 60 80 people maybe and um it's just, there's a bar downstairs with a fireplace.
And I spent a New Year's Eve up there one time.
Ay, ay, ay, maragal.
This is before I had a girlfriend or a wife or anything.
And holy Jesus, I did two shows in that New Year's Eve
in that little room.
And then we're done, you know, by whatever, midnight.
And then there was that, you know, that air, not air hockey,
but that bubble hockey, that game you play,
twist hockey with a bubble on it.
It was one of those downstairs,
and it was me taking on all the Canadian boys.
And there was a bar there.
And of course, because you're the comic,
you don't pay for a drink.
And I couldn't see by about two o'clock.
There's a roaring fire going.
There's broads everywhere.
And I remember the sun coming up
and still sitting in front of the fireplace
drinking one of my favorite gigs.
A guy named Jimbo runs it.
So if you're in Montreal,
go to the Comedy Works.
And during the festival,
a lot of comics will stop off in there.
And that's where I first saw,
saw, hello?
Once I first saw Norm Macdonald.
Oh, by the way,
I was about four hours asleep last night.
I'm back to that shit.
Norm Macdonald.
That's where I saw him before I knew who he was.
And I was just mesmerized.
Ah, yeah. I mean, yeah, and I was just mesmerized. Yeah, I mean,
yeah, this guy's cock is huge.
Hey, hello there.
Sorry about the trouser.
This guy just,
by the way, people ask me, he's my favorite.
He makes me,
I'd say he is my favorite.
There's nobody, no better guest than when he's on Letterman.
And, uh, forgot to shut off my Wi-Fi.
I hope that didn't fuck anything up.
Um, but he just cracks me up.
And he was so good on SNL, wasn't he?
But, uh, yeah, he's a Canadian.
And, uh, but, uh, Comedy Works, Esfajimbo. He used to wasn't he but uh yeah he's a canadian and uh but uh comedy
works as for jimbo he used to i don't know if he's still drinking there's no way he can't be if he if
he's still no he can't he can't be he couldn't he would drink a case of labats is that the beer
labats yeah i mean he would drink a case you know, I don't know, 6 p.m.
until about midnight.
Honest to God, I've never seen anything like it.
One of those functioning guys.
And then be up to play flag football
the next day.
But he can't be.
There's no way he can still be drinking
and be alive.
I should call up there to see if he is alive.
But the Comedy Works,
a place called club soda the bigger
place there's a lot of there's a lot of places in montreal take a amtrak if you're going from
boston or new york or philly or whatever shoot right up there it's a beautiful ride so the
festival yeah so i do 15 nasty shows and then they have something called a gala which i've done a few
of those.
I did one that Kathy Griffin hosted.
One year, Tim Allen hosted.
That's in like a big 3,000-seat theater.
I think they actually filmed it for Canadian TV.
I did one when Cheech and Chong hosted.
I've done a few of those.
I don't know that I'm doing one this year, although they said I'm doing something
for the CBC, Canadian Broadcast Company.
So they haven't told me what one yet but i haven't been back i haven't been there in a few years so uh my feelings were getting a little hurt but that's but that's what
they do slayton said bobby slayton said this they were pushing bobby was pushing for me last year to
do nasty show and they said to him yeah but he's a fast talking white guy like you
we can't have two fast talking white guys
can you imagine yeah I've never heard
two fast talking black guys on one show
can you fucking imagine
that's outright discrimination for Christ's sake
can't have two fast talking white guys
and I don't talk
half as fast as Bobby Slayton does
but that's what they said, you know.
And I had hosted it for a couple years.
That I understood.
And they want to give you a break, you know.
But I have all this funny shit about Montreal itself and about Canada.
But I've done it so many times on a nasty show that I don't think I'm going to do it this year.
Even though I haven't been there for a while.
I used to do a bit about, it was about poutine. Poutine, if you don't know what that is,
that is French fries with gravy on it and cheese curd, melted cheese.
Okay, gravy. Can you hear that jet plane? I should shut the door, but I'm not going to.
That's right.
French fries covered in gravy and melted cheese curd.
And it's so goddamn good.
And I used to do a bit about poutine.
I said, I get up there, I ask the cab driver,
I thought poutine was slang for pussy.
It sounds like it, right? So I told the cab driver. I thought poutine was slang for pussy. It sounds like it, right?
French.
So I told the cab driver, take me right and get some poutine.
He dropped me off in front of this place called La Belle Provence, which is a restaurant.
And it's in the window.
It's signed, it said poutine, $2.99.
And I'm like, $2.99?
How fucking ugly are these whores?
And that, you know, that murder's up there.
And then I asked the driver, what, you know, what the hell, poutine,
and he says, you know, there has the fromage,
and I'm like, oh, they have yeast infections too,
for Christ's sake.
It's just, you know, a bit that rips the tits off the crowd,
and I always throw in a Canadian reference, a hockey reference, like I banned Ken Dryden's sister or something,
that always gets a big hoot. And then you shit on, you shit on Toronto. It's like the
Palestinians and the Jews. When you talk about Montreal and Toronto, you just, you just shit
on Toronto a little bit. It goes a long way. I got to start doing these shows live. This
would be a good time to take a call from people who have had Lyme disease.
I got to start doing these shows live.
This would be a good time to take a call from people who have had Lyme disease.
Oh, my sister's ace.
What the hell else?
Iraq.
I mean, what are you going to do?
I'm actually, I think I'm actually with the president on this one you know
just stand back and let them tear each other
to fucking shreds
and what's all the panic
you like how I went from Montreal and Toronto
being like the Palestinians and the Jews
right to the Middle East
that's a segue isn't it folks
um
let them tear each other to shreds
who gives a flying fuck and it's i don't understand
this whole panic about yeah but if they if they control you know syria and iraq and turn that
into one big caliphate you know islamic jihadist state they'll launch attacks from there and attack
us i got news for you folks A lot of them are already here.
They're pouring in over the border that's not protected. Okay. And that's no bullshit.
If you talk to people in law enforcement and, uh, that have access to classified information,
they say they can't sleep at night. No one's who's in here. Okay. But they can launch an attack from
Queens, a basement in Queens. Do you get it? You don't have to have a whole country, because it's about
dirty bombs now and little nukes
that you can fit in a backpack.
So,
but my point is,
let them all congregate in one area,
just like when you throw a Cheeto on the floor
and 6,000
ants fucking swarm over it.
Now you get them all in one spot,
then you drop the bomb on them.
Not a big one, and I know people.
Ah, but you're going to kill civilians.
I'm sorry it's called war.
That happens.
I hate to be cold.
But I'm saying if it gets too bad.
But for right now, I think like Obama,
just sit it out, let know, too bad. But for right now, I think, like Obama's, just sit it out.
Let them tear each other up.
And if they try any shit, if so much as a cherry bomb goes off over here in a Queens neighborhood,
then we fucking level the joint.
Are you with me? Let's go!
I really don't see the danger in them all pooling in one area.
I really don't.
It makes it easy to kill them all with one strike.
Although I got to admit, I thought Obama was going to use some drone.
He was hinting at some drone stuff.
These guys are going across the desert, you know, from Syria to Iraq in like a straight line.
It is.
It's like watching ants.
So it would be easy to pick off.
I don't know if there'd be much civilian damage there.
But as they get closer to Baghdad and towns like that,
it makes it harder, that type of fighting.
But let them tear each other to shreds, right?
Like I said, if I was the president, I said this last time,
I'd be an isolationist.
I'd just go, just the first day in office,
just tell everybody,
we'll do business with you, but you try any shit, we still have a ton.
You think those weapons still work?
That's the other thing that worries me.
You know, you leave shit in a...
Ever break out a weed whacker that's been in the shed for fucking six years?
Motherfucker. Motherfucker. motherfuckers you know
I'm sure the same happens to nukes
are they fresh
they're all over the place too
they're like bunkers in the midwest
it's fucking awesome
like Nebraska
these big silos
a mile below the ground
fucking pretty cool
not saying I want to see them be used
but
these people aren't giving us a choice.
What do you mean by these people?
You know.
You know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Top guy.
He dropped it.
What else did I, what else?
Oh, my iPad's dying.
What a day this has been.
Mother of God.
Gary Oldman blasts liberal Hollywood, defends Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin. what else? Oh, my iPad's dying. What a day this has been. Mother of God. Gary
Oldman blasts liberal Hollywood,
defends Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin. So he
covered his ass.
Alec is, you know, a liberal
and Mel, maybe not so much.
But he got into a little hot water with an interview
he did with Playboy.
He blasted Hollywood for
what he perceives as a double standard, asserting
that Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can get away with politically incorrect humor,
while others like Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin cannot,
Alec Baldwin cannot,
his career has been hurt by anything he's ever done,
I don't fucking see that,
yeah, it was an interview with July-Augustust issue of playboy he really got into it too
and again it's another guy who look he's got he's he's done well for himself so once they get a you
know i think he's comfortable financially that's when they start to speak out but um
he says his declaration is that political correctness is crap. Well, thanks for clearing that up. He says, well, if I called Nancy Pelosi a cunt and I'll go one better, a fucking useless cunt,
I can't really say that, but Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can,
and nobody's going to stop them from working because of it.
Please tell me he's not just realizing this shit now.
I'm hoping he's known this for a long time and just decided to come out and say it.
Bill Maher could call someone a fag and get away with it he said to seth mcfarlane this year i thought
you were going to the oscars again instead they got a lesbian he can say something like that is
that more or less offensive than alec baldwin saying to someone on the street you fag i don't
get it um he also expressed sympathy for gibson which, I don't care where you are career-wise in Hollywood,
that's not going to be a good thing, who declared in 2006 while being asserted,
be asserted, misprint, arrested, that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
Gibson later apologized.
And then Gary Oldman said, Mel Gibson is in a town that's
run by Jews. And he said the wrong thing because he's actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed
him. Look, I don't know if it's a run by Jew. It's a Jewish business, though. Why is that a bad thing
to say? How about the fact it's probably because they're brilliant. And that's why, you know, I
mean, just like the the carding and sanitation industry in New York is run by Italians.
I mean, are we denying this shit?
They're great.
You know what I mean?
It's because they're bright people.
Why is that a bad friggin' thing?
I wonder if Mel Gibson said it.
I mean, if Oldman said
Mel Gibson's in a town
that's run by Jewish people
doesn't Jewish sound a lot
less offensive than run by Jews
I never understood that
I think Louie actually touched on that
I never got that either
he's like an outcast a leper you know
Oldman says of Gibson
I don't know about mal he got drunk and
said a few things but we've all said those things of course i see liberal dickheads going oh we all
have i haven't i've never said anything like that they really think they shit ice cream who are you
fucking kidding ah he's in so i wonder what's going to happen
let's monitor the situation
I told you I said this on an earlier podcast
I told you guys when tough crowd came out
I made a couple of Jewish cracks
and was called out on the rug
and I think the shit I was saying to Patrice
is much more offensive
and there was a woman there
again I'm not going to mention her name
who I think did a little bit of damage
she didn't
you know
and again I was joking about all that shit
obviously we were told to mix it up
and I did
but Oldman's point is
you know he's saying like the cop
that arrested Mel Gibbs
and he asked you going to tell me you never used the N word
or the F word
or Jew?
Then he says, I'm being brutally
honest here. Well, thanks for clearing that up, Gary.
It's the hypocrisy of it that drives me
crazy and it should, okay?
It should.
Look, back in the 50s,
the conservatives were the
fascists, you know,
on the wrong side of the race issue and all this shit.
They were the fascists, but I'm sorry.
See, it's turned around completely.
Turned around completely.
So let's see what happens to Gary Oldman.
Probably not much.
What the hell else?
I'm at the stand tomorrow night in the city.
That's on 3rd.
3rd Avenue on like 19th, I believe.
Got to stay sharp a little bit.
I feel like I've outgrown those rooms, you know?
The comedy cellar.
You only do 15 minutes at
a pop and it's just it's like turning on a car engine for a second and shutting it off it's just
uh it's a long way to go for not much money i just haven't found out a better way to work out stuff
you know uh the stand gives me a half hour but uh i go to both places went to dinner last night
as a matter of fact you probably saw the pictures all over uh twitter went to dinner last night. As a matter of fact, you probably saw the pictures all over Twitter.
Went to dinner with Noam, who owns, excuse me,
Noam Dwarman, who owns the Comedy Cellar,
and a lot of the comedians that would hang out there,
Jimmy Norton, obviously, Keith Robinson,
Ryan Hamilton,
Amy Schumer,
Tom Papa and his wife, Cynthia,
Esty, who books the Comedy Cellar.
I know I'm forgetting some people.
I've got no memory today.
Who the hell else?
Kristen, the girl who works there.
She actually managed the comedy cellar
for a while. She's on Gnome's
radio show in Sirius.
So what was that?
Del Frisco's Steakhouse? Have you been
in there?
That is a restaurant. You could hit
fungos in there. Sailings are about
80 feet high. You know what I'm
talking about. Like on 6th Avenue
and like, I don't
know, between 49th
and 50th.
I might have that
wrong.
48th.
I don't know.
But dark wood and
just like 200 to
300.
The waitstaff must be
200 strong.
It's like the Ohio
State Marching Band.
It's unfreaking
believable.
And like, they're
not just waiters that
do it, you know, for the summer. They actually know what the fuck they're doing. And like, they're not just waiters that do it, you know,
for the summer.
They actually know what the fuck they're doing.
And the steak is tremendous.
The food is the best shrimp
I've ever had in my life.
Probably because Amy Schumer
paid for everything.
She gets up and
Amy gets up
about a half hour before
he ended up leaving.
She had to leave.
And, you know,
wait, it comes over.
Noam's about to pay the check,
which he usually does. He's got that kind of dough. And they go know, when he comes over, Noam's about to pay the check, which he usually does.
He's got that kind of dough.
And they go,
no, Amy took care of it.
And that picture you see on Twitter,
it's so funny.
Everybody's going,
you guys look so unhappy.
Real miserable.
Yeah, we did it on purpose.
Jesus Christ.
Come on.
It's a table full of people.
I think Norton said,
let's all look miserable.
Somebody did.
But we actually had a blast.
Come on, when you're eating steak and shrimp and crab cakes
and you're not paying for it, you're going to be miserable?
And yeah, Dolph Frisco's.
If you come to New York, go to Dolph Frisco's.
I'm sure it's not cheap.
Me and Artie popped in there a few times when we were doing our show
right there on 6th near Radio City.
Yeah, what a steak.
And here's the funny thing.
On Friday when I go to see my doctor, I'm having my liver enzymes checked and my cholesterol.
And that piece of red meat that I had last night, it looked like, you know, it looked like that.
Remember in Jaws, the guy's leg gets bit off and it floats to the bottom.
Remember all the red fiber,
fiber shit and meat hanging off it?
That's what it looked like.
That's all I could think of
when I was eating it.
And,
oh,
it was tremendous.
Melted in my freaking mouth.
Yeah,
so go to Del Frisco's
and,
what the hell,
we were all laughing.
I was arguing with my buddy Tom Pop,
who's as nice a guy
as you're ever going to meet.
Matter of fact, a couple hot blondes recognized Tom,
and we love your comedy.
So we stood up and took a picture,
and I put mashed potatoes on his seat, you know,
like they did in Brian Piccolo did to Gale Sayers,
and he sat in him.
No, I didn't, because Tommy wouldn't have got that,
because I don't think he watched Brian's song.
Although he might have.
I don't know.
But we started arguing about soccer and the fucking World Cup you all know where i stand on that and it hasn't changed if
anything it's fortified my position watching this fucking horseshit and by the way i did catch the
end of uh the portugal us game and you know they always talk about a lot of these games being fixed
i know that was a big scandal on the FIFA. And that's what it looked like.
The end with Portugal.
The United States had like eight chances
where they could just clear the ball,
just boomed it down the other end,
and they weakly turned it over
like five times in the last minute.
You should go back and watch that,
like the Sapruta film.
Over and over again.
And then, what was his name, Ronaldo?
I don't even know the stud.
Made that great pass. The guy standing next to him
didn't even make an effort to block the pass.
It all looked really
orchestrated.
I mean, it's amazing if it was, but
there was no, like, US
was just sitting back waiting for Portugal
to tie it up.
The fuck is that?
I understand in hockey
when you can't
clear it out,
but Jesus.
Soccer,
you just fucking
boom it out of there.
But Tommy's saying
how much he loves it now.
And I said,
oh, you're just a victim of...
I gotta shut this door.
What am I,
the next LaGuardia
all of a sudden?
Um, I just said, you'reuardia all of a sudden? Um,
I just said,
you're just a victim
of great marketing,
you know?
Oh, that's not true.
It's an event.
And I mean,
what do you mean
it's an event?
Going to Fenway's an event
or Yankee Stadium,
I don't know,
you know?
But he said he was
watching it in a bar
and everybody's jumping
up and down
and they're like,
ah!
And I'm like,
yeah,
you do that in a hockey game
four times a minute as opposed to four you do that in a hockey game four times a minute
as opposed to four times an hour at a hockey game and it's a great sport because it's universal i
understand that and it's fun to play and all that shit i you know i make fun of it but i'm just
saying spectator wise at least in this country and uh and like i said to tommy the reason that's
finally popular over here is because half of South American, Latin American, they're here.
But it's funny.
I get so angry.
The guy just likes the sport.
I'm trying to talk him out of it.
I'm like, no, you're wrong.
I can prove it on an iPad.
Why it sucks.
Because the two teams are in the neutral zone. For fucking more than half the game.
And that doesn't.
I'm not diminishing their skills.
Because they can really pass.
It is pretty amazing.
What those guys pull off.
But every once in a while.
I need a forearm shiver.
Or a body check.
Or something vicious to happen.
And I'm not one of these guys that needs.
Goes to a hockey and wants to see an 8-6 game. a baseball game 12 to 9 I don't like that either but for Christ's sake you know
let's see here my iPad's quietly dying it's down to five percent
I guess you won't be hearing the hearing the launch well-toned to end
this what the hell else kids but bump
looking at some of my old some of my old
footage my wife was transferring all the some of my old footage.
My wife was transferring all this stuff,
like stuff that was on VHS tapes,
transferring it to, you know,
disc or digital or whatever the fuck the machine does.
And it's unbelievable.
I was on there a lot.
They ought to give me a Lifetime Achievement Award in the 90s.
There's a show called The A-List.
Remember that?
Jesus Christ.
I had a hair on me like Shemp Howard.
Sandra Bernhard was hosting.
And there was a show.
Oh, God.
My memory's so bad.
I've been on three hours.
What did John Stewart host hosted a show with a woman
what the fuck was it called short attention span theater and he always had me on John I told you
even on his he had a couple of talk shows before the daily show I was one of his first comics
but it's so funny where does the freaking time go and uh it just made me start flashing back to my stand-up
days and uh in boston and like i told you i i plugged this movie before if you like if you're
a real fan of stand-up it doesn't matter boston or not but when stand-up stood out is about the
boston comedy scene from 78 to 88 and um just thinking about that first night that I went on at Stitches.
And the reason I'm bringing this up, a lot of people come up after the show
and go, you know, I want to try it.
I want to try it.
I just can't.
I don't have the fucking ball.
And it's like, what's the worst that can happen?
Somebody doesn't think you're funny for four minutes.
It's not so funny how we hide.
We hold that in such high regard.
Oh, no.
Some strangers are going to think I'm not funny.
That I'm never going to see again.
But people come up to you.
And they go, well, I'm really funny around my friends.
Well, okay.
That's the beginning of it.
Now you're going to translate it to an audience but um yeah stitches and boston
george mcdonald was the host and it said comedy hell when i pulled up and um
i remember being with dana ghoul i think I'm repeating some stories, so bear with me.
But I'm thinking some of the one-nighters,
because that's all I did the first two years all over New England,
did one-nighters at restaurants and hotels and bars,
and that one sticks out.
Dana Gould was the headliner.
I was the feature act on the 4th of July at the Holiday Inn in Nashua, New Hampshire.
And there were nine people there.
Nine or ten.
Can you imagine?
And you think you're in show business.
That's what's funny, how you trick yourself when you're young.
Look back on it now.
Somebody said I had to go through that again.
Mother of Christ.
on it now. Somebody said I had to go through that again.
Mother of Christ.
And there was a place called the Red Parrot.
That was
somewhere down the South Shore.
And
yeah, me and Louie used to do a lot of these.
Louie would be hosting a lot
of them.
Wally Collins.
And who the hell else?
A guy named DJ Hazard
who was from the Bronx
but lived up in Boston
and had a scary voice,
long greasy hair,
and a guitar.
And he was really funny
even without the guitar.
But he had this creepy laugh.
And you wonder where these guys are.
I'm sure he's still doing it.
The guy was like a foot soldier.
But I'm saying to you, if you're thinking about it,
what's the worst that can happen?
And once you do it, you're going to have the bug.
Although I've lost that bug.
And you go up there.
You know?
I had a friggin' napkin.
Did I have a napkin the first time, I think I did,
horrendous bits though, you know, the thing about my girlfriend having a hairy back, it was fucking Archie Bunker getting blown by a great white,
but it's so funny, it takes you... Over the years, it's just great.
You see the world.
I mean, if you take it to a certain level.
You know, performing in Afghanistan.
And we went to Japan by the USO.
Guantanamo Bay.
I went to Manchester, England.
The Manchester Comedy Festival.
And what I'm trying to tell you folks,
I'm quitting tonight.
This is it.
I've had enough of this.
Fuck this business.
It's my little send-off.
But do it.
If you really want to do it, do it.
If you think you're funny.
And again, it's different making your friends laugh and then translating into a bunch of strangers with bows in them.
But you'll be glad you did it, I think.
I opened for, do you remember Laura Branigan?
Remember the song?
Gloria, Gloria.
She's dead now, by the way. She died early. Cancer,
I think. Too bad. Nice lady. I opened for her when that was a number one hit at the Cape Cod Melody Tent. Remember the story I told you with Paul Anker? And I opened for him and all the old
people. I was dying the death of a thousand cuts. But I opened laura brannigan down there and did really well that's the fun
stuff and who else i think banana rama no expose there was a group in the uh late 80s three three
hot chicks called expose look it up and uh i could have had one of them i really could have
i was too excited to get back on my cutlass Supreme and drive back to Wobon, Mass
where I lived
oh, those were the good days
I lived in an apartment in Wobon, Mass
had a little dirty whore living next to me
who was just barely legal
and on Christmas she knocks on my door
and hands me a present, I open it up
it's like a $150 Calvin Klein V-neck sweater.
Guess who wore it that night?
Not me.
Zing!
But she was a dirty little one.
And we had a pool.
That's where I met her, out at the pool.
Not like a nice pool either.
Like there was always leaves and shit in it.
Maybe some dog shit.
And there was never people out at it because there wasn't like no shade.
It was just like a chain-link fence around it.
So I was like 110.
A lot of times it was just me and her at the pool.
But that was convenient.
And, um...
Yeah, I got in some trouble in that building.
Took a girl to Montferral
that I met at Prince Pizza House
doing a gig
which is now Giggles
but
met a girl there and like the following
night or two nights later
I had a gig up at Upstate New York at a college
I took her with me
and then I brought her to Montreal and we got in a fight
and she flew home early I took the train
I'm talking to a waitress there Brought her to Montreal and we got in a fight and she flew home early. I took the train.
I'm talking to a waitress there at the Comedy Works,
who I knew because I'd played the club many times, very attractive.
And this broad flipped out on me, saying I was trying to pick her up.
And I've known the waitress and I hadn't ever touched her.
And the broad flipped out.
And I had probably, you know, seven to eight Labatt's in me and a couple of hard drinks.
I know that's true because I actually sang.
It's a one night I sang karaoke.
I emptied the place out with a version of Hello Again by Neil Diamond.
True story.
Hello again. Hello. You see a boo. Get the fuck off. true story hello again hello
you just hear
boo
get the fuck off
I had a
you know
Bruins hat on
um
but that one sticks out
bringing that girl up there
and then coming home
without her
I wasn't very good
at dating
I wasn't
I didn't always do
the right thing
then I remember
doing a gig
at a biker bar
down in Nantucket
i told i think i might have told you this one too sorry i'm repeating folks it's been a long day
i got a disease give me a break we um um they put us up in like a tool shed behind the bar i told
you right with bunk beds or like dirty mattresses it's like a snowblower it was like a shed it was
literally a shed it's like a snowblower two feet from my head in the corner and i'm reading
all the fucking bitter shit the comics before me like steve sweeney all these guys are pretty
famous in boston had already done this gig for years and they you know with a sharpie or carved
it in with a knife into the fucking i'm reading the bunk above me fuck comedy this place sucks eat my ass that's fucking so
funny just the bitterness on that bunker um some other great gigs um
periwinkles in rhode island that was scary everybody's a little scared of that because
rhode island you know wasn't far from uh federal hill which is where the mafia started by the way in Rhode Island. That one was scary. Everybody's a little scared of that one because Rhode Island,
you know,
wasn't far from Federal Hill,
which is where the mafia started, by the way.
And a lot of those guys
would be in the crowd
at Periwinkle's
and it looked it.
You know?
But there was a guy
named Ed the Machine Regine
who was from Rhode Island himself.
I think he was in his 50s
when I was in my 20s.
Looks like I did now probably.
But he was a used car salesman.
He did some time
for rolling back odometers.
At least that was the story.
But he was Barry Katz's big act.
My old manager Barry.
And Ed the Machine Regine,
he would close his act
by tearing off his clothes
and underneath he had tights on and he put on a tina
turner wig and and do what her whatever her big hit was you better be good to me or one of those
okay picture that an italian guy he looked like jamie farr with a fucking wig on doing tina turner
i mean just running around like a with tights on dressed like a woman and fucking lipstick
and we get like a standing ovation every time
Ed the Machine
Regine nice guy too actually
just don't buy a car from him
and
then there was a time I opened for
Carol Leifer
at Play It Again Sam's
in Boston
one of the one of the Sam's in Boston,
one of the hot clubs in Boston.
And I was emceeing for the first time.
And Carol Leifer was the big headliner in town.
And she was doing stitches,
and then she was coming from stitches up Comab to Play It Again Sam's.
And wouldn't you know, it's my first time emceeing,
and she's late.
And I don't know how
to emcee this is i'd only been doing probably six months you know i don't know how to emcee i don't
know how to make a meal i don't know um so i'm up there just i'm out of material i blew my bullets
i had maybe 15 minutes and i'm like uh anyway uh i didn't even know enough to just you know go into
the audience so barry cat sees this this, my manager, God bless him.
He comes walking right up the middle aisle of the club onto the stage and grabs the mic from me.
And he goes, hey, now picture this.
He's like six foot six Jewish guy.
Hey, he goes, he grabs the mic from me and he looks at like a lady in the first row.
And he goes, and what do you do for a living?
Then he looks at me, he goes, now is that that fucking hard?
And hands the mic back to me
and walks off
that's how much of a purist I was
I wouldn't fucking work the audience
I was out of material I was out of bullets
I didn't know what I was doing was the truth of it
but he goes what do you do for a living
is that that difficult and hands me back the mic
oh was it fucking embarrassing
that was at played against sam's and uh and the night uh what the hell some other famous nights
bob nickman was a very funny guy from cleveland who used to work at stitches jewish guy he'd wear
like a beach hat the whole show and then he'd take it off and his big thing was at the end he'd take the hat off and he was completely bald on top but he had pigtails on the side and it was
goddamn funny he was so funny he some of his bits was he goes uh i remember him he goes i would uh
i wouldn't suck a dick not if it's a tat i'd suck a dick if it was like hanging off a wall
not if it was attached to a guy but if it's like dangling off a wall
uh and then he said uh his other great bit not not that that was great but that was very funny
at the time he um talked about how he didn't follow sports that much and all his friends did
and they're always at the end of the day they'd be like what was the score of the game and he's like i don't know what are you talking about the newly
i have no idea so he had to make up lies he had to come up with something more macho when somebody
asked him why he didn't watch the game he goes i was putting a transmission in a stripper's car
he had a lot of stuff like that very funny he's the first one i ever heard uh
to call a table of women cunts
by the way at a comedy club they're right up at front and they wouldn't stop talking through his
whole set and he's really funny he was just a fun and they weren't paying attention it was the third
show at stitches i think lenny clark it was his show he had three shows on friday night he'd fly
from la back and do three shows and stitch and uh i remember Nick been saying that. And then just dropping the mic.
And the music came up.
It was the most awkward ending to a show.
Ever.
Yeah.
So it's been good.
It's been good to me.
Let's hope it's not over.
I'm trying to think of some other gigs.
Naperville.
That's in the suburb of Chicago.
That's when I got blown under a hair dryer
at a ladies hair salon.
Remember the girl had keys to the salon?
I think I've told a lot of these stories.
The same six stick out.
What can I tell you?
All right. I think I've tortured you enough, kids.
But that's the latest update.
I'm back on antibiotics.
What happened in the days when I used to go away to a gig in Florida at the Improv
and come home with something enjoyable
like chlamydia or some type of clap?
I come home and I get a...
That's the other thing.
So I'm guessing it's a tick.
And if I had the bet on it,
that tick didn't bite me down there.
I'm guessing it probably bit me up here.
You know what I mean?
So I apologize to anybody at the World Cup party
at the Hard Rock Casino a couple weeks ago.
I probably got it right up here in my yard.
Yeah.
So that is that.
Tomorrow night, the stand in New York City.
And where else?
Like I told you, Montreal.
It's not a bad road trip, kid.
You want to come up there and get tickets to the Nassie.
I don't know yet. I might be sitting up at miller's radio show on the 8th of july i haven't confirmed that yet but uh as far as the festival it's the 9th through the 13th i'll be doing those
nasty show and then i go home and come back for 24 25 and 26 for uh like a bunch more nasty shows and uh one other gala thing oh august 2nd the ridgefield
playhouse in connecticut ridgefield connecticut that should be fun and then uh august uh 21 22
23 the improv in atlanta haven't done that one in a long time that's where i told you the story
where the girl ate all the,
remember, she was drunk and got in the cab with me,
and I bought her a bag of chips and a thing of salsa.
That's what she wanted.
Well, she ran into the 7-Eleven,
then ended up leaving puke and a trail of bell peppers
from the bathroom to the living room.
And then I pushed her out the door and the cops came.
Woo!
August 29th, Main Street, Albany.
Main Street Armory in Rochester, New York
on the 29th of August.
And might as well go into September.
25, 26, 27.
The 25th, Zaney's in downtown Chicago.
Then the 26th and 27thth I'll be at Rosemont
right outside of Chicago
so that's it for now kids
thank you very much
and
I'll talk to you soon
rinse your filthy asses
be good
love you all. Bye-bye now. guitar solo I'm not a fool