The Nick DiPaolo Show - 043 - Nick and Joe, Joe and Nick

Episode Date: August 20, 2014

Nick and Joe, Joe and Nick

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, it's another Joe. It's one of the two Joes that I have on the show. It's Joe Mattarese, still angry about being fucked over by America's Got Talent. It's more like Russia's Got Talent. It was rigged. It was like Ukraine has talent. Russian separatists have talent. The very funny Joe Mattarese.

The very cordial, the very handsome Joe Mattarese in the house. And the great Nick DiPaolo. This is Joe and Nick and Nick and Joe. Yeah, explain to them what we're doing here, because I don't have the... I'll explain. Why not? Let me do the explanation.

Go ahead. We're strapped for time. We can't do two podcasts. I drove up to Nick's house. I'm doing his podcast. I said to him, is there a way we can make this both our podcasts? So we're kind of sharing

one one recording yeah and i'm like i don't know you're asking me why don't you go ask a retarded four-year-old special needs child how to fucking write a program i'm like i don't know stick yours in here and i'm sure and then of course you know you guys would laugh you know fans of mine you'd like look i'm not totally you know as far as would laugh. You know, fans of mine, you'd laugh. Look, I'm not totally, you know, as far as technology goes, I'm not totally retarded. But, you know, the computer, this is what pisses me off. The settings change on their own overnight. I've done 40 podcasts. I do it the same way.

The last two weeks, I, you know, turn this goddamn Zoom machine on and fucking things aren't lit up that are supposed to be lit up. And so then I call Rob Sprantz, the founder of Riot riotcast he's at work trying to do real stuff right his podcast this is what's even more complicated your podcast is on riotcast and mine is on all things yeah so he just so i so then i have to go to rob sprance and we have that program join me so he can look at my computer while he's getting you know blown under a table or something. And he's like, well, go ahead and check. And I'm like, I'm doing everything I've done for the last 38 weeks. Why is it different today? He goes, that's how computers are.

Well, then stick to computer in your ass. There's some intelligent banter. And you got guys outside hammering your driveway or your roof. What do they have? Yeah, I haven't, you know. You might snap this podcast. This is good. I have about 10 feet from me and Joe.

This is like four Ecuadorians. I'm having my whole driveway, which is like 100 yards long, torn up and redone because it's old and it pulls water and there's holes in it. I mean, part of it has to be torn up completely. Are they blacktopping it or graveling it or what? Both. I mean, they're bringing it down.

They're tearing it right out. Okay. Not the whole length. They're going to mill. The long part, the 100 yards. What's that mean, mill? They grind up what exists there and turn that into blacktop. Oh, they use what's...

It's sort of like a Zamboni for Italians. It's only blacktop. So they're going to grind up... It'samboni for italians it's only blacktop so they're gonna grind making ice only makes hot top again out of old hot top okay so it'll be black topped again but it'll look like new that will but but the part that goes up to my garage yeah that's about 30 yards long 20 yards long that they're actually tearing out and replacing completely with black with whatever new black top yeah okay why can't they reuse that because it's just too fucked up yeah yeah it's just it's there's like i have potholes in that part of my driveway yeah and um and then there's two little cement things two little cement beds that are

right in front of my garage doors the two car garage those those were splitting and if water gets in there it'll lift up the new hut so you you have to replace that. And that's what my Ecuadorian friend Raul and his five guys are doing. And I was telling Joe, I was telling Joe, I was cutting the grass today and then like weed whacking. And I got them like, you know, they're over there laying cement and doing men's work. And but they're looking at me because they're like, you know, because they're professional weed. They've done all this shit.

They're landscapers. So it's like it was like me doing it was like me doing open-heart surgery while John Hopkins was watching. They're looking out of the corner. I'm like, am I using this weed whacker? They're like whispering in Spanish and giggling. That's definitely a new Nick DiPaolo bit. There's no way that you doing lawn work in front of fucking Ecuadorians is hilarious. I'm doing donuts. I'm trying to show off in my sitians it's hilarious i'm doing donuts i'm trying to show off

on my sit down more i'm doing donuts all of a sudden i hit like a tree root and they're all giggling and shit well it's funny how many opposites you and i have because i have a smaller front and back lawn way smaller than yours and i pay somebody to do it and like and then like you can't figure out computers so well and i actually can't it's like i don't want you to take this in the wrong way but you're like a dumb smart guy and i'm like a smart dumb guy i don't like first i don't like that analogy that you're good at computers and i'm good at weed whacking i don't like no no you're you're a way more intelligent guy than me you know you're well but you're you're you're you're i read the newspaper i don't

well you have a wife and kids you have a life i never did though you didn't you were single i always had trouble with it because of add i couldn't focus when i would now you got the pills i don't have you could read the times on the shit you're doing i don't have add pills i don't take those i should what do you take i just take anxiety medication i don't touch the add i let that just fly and i i would love to be able to sit down and read stuff and comprehend it and and then be able to talk about it intelligently like i literally this is gonna sound you're gonna laugh at this i think you're selling yourself short but go ahead i listen i think we're both brilliant i don't know why we're not way more famous i listen to your podcast Yeah. And your podcast is my news.

And you only pick about four or five. But yesterday I listened to one or two of your podcasts. And I tried to talk to my wife about what Obama's doing. And then I just got stuck. I couldn't even. Well, that's very easy. You can say to your wife, is he really the worst fucking president in the history of the world? Well, then I was trying to talk about, you know, because you guys are saying, you were talking about Afghanistan.

I just touch on it. I don't get too deep. If it was a real radio show and I had three hours, I'd get into it a little more. Well, you could take calls. Yeah. But let me ask you this. Is it not good to do? You can treat your podcast however you want

but is it kind of not a smart thing to do to touch on topical stuff because people do listen to it a month later or whenever they want no well that's what i like about your podcast like i went away on vacation last week to avalon new jersey i came home and i went i know i'm a couple weeks behind on the news and coincidentally i haven't listened to the last two or three of your podcasts. I listen to them, and I feel like I'm caught up on the news now. It's so funny because on Twitter, this kid goes, Hey, if my grandfather dies, I'll get my news from Nick DiPaolo's podcast. I just blocked him.

Fuck you. I'll let him back in. I block people, then I let them in a few days later. It's like a time off. I get mad for a few seconds. I don't like people calling me old. I'm more, I'm more into,

I love this young generation. You know, they get pissed if you do, uh, you know, news or topical stuff. God forbid. Do they really?

They knew some of them do. I love it. You know, but some of them get like, yeah, I'll read the post if I want my, you know, and I, I laugh even when they say mean shit, I'll read the post if I want. And I laugh.

When they say mean shit, I laugh my balls off. But then I'll block them. But some of them are just fucking wretched left-wing douchebags who are just so close-minded. It's like your podcast is like listening to talk radio without commercials and interruptions, really. That's the way I look at it. That's what it feels like. That's what I wanted to. Without commercials and interruptions, really. That's the way I look at it.

That's what it feels like. That's what I wanted to... I'm proud that I can go an hour without not having anybody to talk to or not taking phone calls and move it forward. It's like a good exercise. I'm using it for when I land the real legitimate radio job. Right. As you know, I think I've cleared $11 doing this podcast. Well, this could help you also not worrying about if people are listening to old ones.

I think when you do like a podcast, and I'm sure that most of your listeners and most of my listeners are people that listen every week. There's probably like a 5% of your total downloads are from people that are listening a month or two later. So don't worry about them. I would think all my downloads. Well, where do you get 5%? Do you just pull that one out of your crank there? Well, I look at my totals for the week. Like when I put a podcast up at the next week when I'm starting the new one,

I look to see how many downloads I get. You're going to have to show me how to do that too. But I stay away from that intentionally because I already have enough bad news in my life. Well, I like to know. I call Rob and he gives me the numbers. And it has been growing every week since I started this. Yeah, you said that. So I figured it'll plateau in about a week, and I'll tap out and do something else for a living.

My top podcast of my last month was the one with me and you. That was the one. And it still gets downloads later. Oh, good. Yeah. Good. with me and you that was the one that and it still gets downloads later oh good yeah good that's because i've had some you know radio exposure and people like us together i don't know a lot of the people that like you like me too and it's the same way like if you like my stand-up you'll like nick's stand i don't think there'll be anyone who would like me and think you suck like that wouldn't work that way.

I've noticed most of my fans all have vowels at the end of their names. Everyone that follows me on Twitter is Italian. Yeah. You and I could probably run for Staten Island mayor and deputy mayor and take it no way. When I was on Free FM on my radio show, the first one I had, 2007, my only one, I could have run for mayor of Staten Island in a way. I swear to God.

The phones would be lit up. There'd be 40 calls. 36 of them would be Staten Island. Yeah. Joey from Staten Island. I'm delivering a pizza. Somebody just threw a rock at me. Hey, about the Yankees or the bullpen.

The fuck are they thinking? I would laugh. Every time I saw Staten Island, I'd click on it. They were the funniest. I just pictured me owning that island. Is anyone not Italian in Staten Island? It's unbelievable. Jesus Christ.

I think even Hasidic Jews pretend they're Italian. Well, I drove to the Jersey Shore from LaGuardia. Last week, I did a gig in Columbus, Ohio for three nights or four nights or whatever. I was at the Funny Bone, right? How was that, Joe? I did that room in Columbus, Ohio for three nights or four nights or whatever. I was at the Funny Bone, right? How was that, Joe? I did that room a long time ago. You start to get annoyed at being in a mall. Because the gig's in a mall, but it's an outdoor mall.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's a very high-end mall with everything. Depressing. So that gets you depressed. It does. But in my head, I went, well, most gigs are even worse where you have nothing there. I'd rather have a bunch of annoying mall shit than nothing. Yeah, you can look at broads.

I usually stand at the bottom of the escalator with a pair of binoculars. Columbus, there was a ton of hot girls there because I could tell I was in the rich area. Whenever you're in the rich area, there's hot women. They have fake tits and nice teeth. What the hell was I just about to say? I just lost what I was about to say. I don't know. It's the two old guys from the Muppets trying to remember.

What are we talking about? It was the Italian thing. Yes, we have the same followers. Staten Island. Oh, I know what it was. Yeah. So my wife picked me up at LaGuardia, and she had the car packed and everything so she was just miserable and you were headed to where i was already in columbus and we're heading to avalon she's picking me up at the airport on

the way what in avalon work no vacation oh okay family vacation my parents rent a house every year for a week and my brother and my sister their kids my wife and my kids and my mom and dad go very nice so my wife picks me up at the airport and we put into the nav avalon new jersey and it takes us through staten island over the varanzano and my wife grew up in westchester new york but she's like i don't think i've ever been over the varanzano i'm like you haven't she goes yeah it takes you to jersey I go no it doesn't takes you from Brooklyn to Staten Island she's like no Jersey I go trust me I love when I'm rarely right and I and I fucking love that feeling it is it's Staten Staten Island it goes from Brooklyn to Staten Island it's the most all

you have to do when you hear Verrazano is very Italian and what is more Italian than Brooklyn and Staten Island yeah that's true I never thought about that's how I think of it the number of dead bodies that were thrown off that oh I think it's Saturday Night Staten Island? Yeah, that's true. I never thought about that. That's how I think of it. The number of dead bodies that were thrown off that. Oh, I think of Saturday Night Fever when I go over the bridge. Was that the bridge? That's the Saturday Night Fever bridge. It was, right? The Baranzano. Yeah.

So I say to my wife, I think this is in the Guinness Book of World Records for tallest suspension bridge. So she's expecting. And I'm like, listen, it's not the part you're driving over that's the highest. It's that thing. It's that thing. Yeah. The part you'll jump It's that thing. Yeah. The part you'll jump from after your kids. Yeah.

So my wife is fucking stupid with distance and measurements. That's not your wife. Let me tell you something. And this is a well-known fact. That's men, they call it spatially, are better. Really? Yes, than women. Okay.

And I'm sure, you know, as soon as this will go out, there'll be people shitting their pants. But that's just a fact. Spatially, we're better at judging distance and time and stuff like that. All right. I scored very, when you do like IQ tests, that was one of the notes that came back. But that's something guys are known.

It's the only thing that we have. You happy now? You're a feminist to watch? So I'm pointing out. My wife's the same way. I'm driving over the bridge. I'm like, look at that. That's fucking, look how high that is.

Someone climbs that and paints it. She's like, it doesn't seem that high to me. I'm like, you're crazy. It sounds like my wife. It sounds like my wife. I'm like, that's four times as high as the GW Bridge. Maybe not four times. How much higher do you think?

I mean, it's got to be double. I don't know. I haven't measured it in a few weeks. So she's just like, That sounds like my wife, though. I go, doesn't it? I go, life, I go, you don't think time is flying by?

You don't think, you don't feel like we're going to be dead soon? She's like, no, it seems about right. And then I realize she's looking at it from her perspective, living with me all this time. It probably does seem longer. It's like Chris Rock's bit. Life is short.

People say life is short. No, life is long if you make the wrong decisions. That's right. Life is wrong if you make the wrong decision. You marry Nick DiPaolo, life is fucking forever. Holy shit. Imagine the same with me. So, yeah, so we go over the bridge now we're in staten island and

she goes i can't believe this is a like a borough in new york city it just doesn't look like it really doesn't and then after you go through like the the the suburbian part of staten island all of a sudden it becomes like you're in the middle of the woods for like 20 miles there's just nothing is that right i don't know i don't know no no do you remember doing boring you know boring don't you remember doing grandpas yes but like the 80s yeah but i i drove there at night i took trains and shit i don't remember you know i mean there's it's amazing that i remember hearing this though you know right right after the show it looks like a lot of burying body areas well i'm sure there's a lot of decomposing capos and you know i mean so do you got a list of shit to talk about because i

so since we're doing both podcasts yeah lyme disease i think i'm feeling it what's going on well i got my blood tests uh now i'm still confused. The original test, remember, I tested positive for Lyme back in June. I took the two and a half, three weeks of antibiotics, and then I went up to Montreal and stuff, and I had some cholesterol and liver enzyme tests done when I got back that I had scheduled for myself because I had high cholesterol in the past but took myself off all that fucking Crestor and shit because I just didn't fucking like it. And but I do.

And I'm pretty healthy guy. I eat a lot of salmon and shit and I exercise. And but I smoke, too. I like to smoke a couple after I work out. I heard that on your last podcast. I couldn't believe it because I've never seen you smoking cigarettes. And the dog is like, what are you fucking doing? Yeah.

I go, come on. One a day is going to kill me. Get the fuck out of my grandfather. Smoked Paul Malls when he started at 12. Unfilled. But he died at the early age of 93. Well, I've never been a smoker, but is smoking kind of like drinking where you want to eat after you have it?

Do you want to have something like a steak? No, it's the other way around. Real smokers want to have a cigarette like my wife after they eat, which is gross to me. That's a dessert. Nice chunk of cancer with whipped cream on it. So anyways, so I get my cholesterol test. I'm in the normal range, okay, with no medication.

It's all a fucking scam. So you've been watching your diet? Not really. I was up in Montreal at the festival eating shit and drinking, and it's all a scam, okay? My brother-in-law, who's way smarter than me, runs hospitals on the administrative end. But he's reading the whole thing.

And even my sister, who's been in the medical industry, it's a whole bunch of shit to sell pills. Matter of fact, people with high cholesterol live longer. So was it high the last time you had it taken? A couple times ago it was a little high. But then they put me on crest or and i knocked it down so this is your first time getting tested without being on that yeah yeah and it was in the normal range because again i you know i juice and shit you know i'll put a two handfuls of spinach in a bullet magic bullet whatever it is and you know and the stuff it works man are you

on a low weight side for you right now no i'm I'm not. Are you high for you? For me, I would say I'm about seven pounds too much. But that's, who knows? I still work out. I don't have the back of a fucking midget. Do you know what I mean? Do you do a lot of cardio? I'm a little thicker through the torso than Greg Rogel. Well, you look in shape.

You don't look like you're an overweight you right now. You look like a lean you. Just around. I'm 52, around the waist. You know what I mean? But do you do cardio and stuff like that? Let's talk about something else. I'm curious.

But the point was that the cholesterol was in the normal range. Okay. What about blood pressure? But it also said, and the liver was normal too. PSA was normal. So my prostate. And then you read about that saying that PSA test is horseshit too. But then it said the Lyme disease is positive,

but I don't know if he was referring to my original one, but he said he's going to do a more specific, there's a more specific test, because the basic test they give you for Lyme disease is very unreliable. It's notoriously unreliable. So there's another test that he's going to do. But I was confused because I had the cholesterol and the liver enzymes checked, and he said he wasn't going to do the Lyme.

So I don't know if he's referring to the original Lyme. I'm still positive. Doctors are confusing. I have that happen, too. You're like, what was it? You get confused. Yeah. But I feel kind of I've been feeling really run down and listless.

And it's weird because I've been sleeping better. You know what I'm saying? I've always had sleep problems. Well documented on all my podcasts. But lately, I've been going to bed at a normal hour. Boy, does this sound like a fucking old man show. I like this. This is our hook.

Yeah, it's our hook. Put us in a balcony with the muppets but um anyways i've been going i've been falling asleep um and actually sleeping through the night for the most part that hasn't happened in years but feeling horrible during the day still even after like good sleep i don't know if it's good sleep maybe i'm waking up and not realizing but i am like listless and that's one of the things a lime and my memory is like been horrible for the last month or so I'm talking to my neighbor yesterday I'm right in the middle of the

sentence I forgot what I was talking about and I'm like is that the lime or the concussions I had in college playing ball when you take medication for Lyme disease and you make it go away and they text your blood again well is it the kind of thing that will always come up as positive yeah it can it can why am i coming in hot on this fucking mic anyways um yeah it can it's it's

weird it's a long explanation it's very but i guess it is more specific tests for lyme than did you tell the doctor that you feel kind of no i haven't i haven't talked to him since you know they mail you the results and stuff but but i, yeah, I'm a little like really listless, man. Like kind of tired that I've never felt before. And I'm like, Jesus, I slept like six, seven hours last night, you know. But I feel weird. But who knows? You're like, is that just lack of sleep?

I don't know. So he's doing another test on that blood, apparently. A different kind of Lyme test. But you got to be careful because the shit, you know, a lot of people even on Twitter said, my brother almost died from that shit. Don't, you know, joke about it. I don't know if you're like me. And I think you are because we're both kind of anxious.

I'm a young Italian gentleman. Yes, yes. Get a lot of pussy. But I'm the kind of guy and i think you are you probably don't realize this but you do have lyme disease so you know you have it if that if i had that diagnosis i would start accelerating in my brain you would make it out of well i remember thinking i had lyme disease once when i got um bell's palsy because a cause now there's an old man's disease.

But a cause of it is Lyme disease. That's one of the number one things that gives you Bell's palsy. Yes. They're related. The first thing they wanted to check is Lyme disease because they told me, you know, Westchester. It's a big thing up here. There's deer in line at Starbucks. There's deer.

Yeah. Go in there. One getting a cappuccino in front of you. deer in line at sarbucks there's deer yeah go in there one getting a cappuccino in front of you so uh i remember for like three weeks when i thought i might because it took forever to get the results for those three weeks i started thinking i had all those symptoms that you have right now so i couldn't imagine if i really did find out i had lyme disease you could be anxiety The anxiety, dude, I'm talking slow on your pocket. Take it easy, Rain Man. But anxiety is exhausting to the brain, and it can make you feel like you have mono or something like that.

I know, but everything is blamed on, like Tony Soprano said to the doc, Jesus Christ, you guys have anything else besides stress? Everything's a fuck. The answer to every medical problem is it's stress causing. No, but I'm saying you worrying about the Lyme disease could be making you tired. I'm not worrying about it. I didn't start worrying about it until I started feeling listless. You know what I mean? It wasn't on my mind. I don't give a fuck if I go

tomorrow. Who gives a shit? You don't seem listless to me. No, well, you know, I have three cups of coffee and it usually gets me cranking in the morning. It's not even putting a dent. I'm like Brian Pic go i i feel a little punk get the fuck out of my room magic um but now i i uh i just i mean walking around in a coma and i'm fucking clammy and shit i don't know and i'm i gotta get on a plane thursday to atlanta do you see what we go through folks i'd like to lay on my couch and watch a last place boston red socks all weekend but uh so anyways i don't know so the

lyme disease is on your subjects is that yeah it's uh do we figure it out or would he just call the doctor and uh tell him oh yeah yeah if it was that easy if it calls then fucking westchester medical first you get a live lady. She goes, I'll transfer you to Margulis' office, and somebody else picks up. I have an Italian doctor. He fucking answers. Oh, I like my guy. He does what?

He answers. He answers himself? No. What, does he work out of his garage like Marin? Dr. Boombatz, it's Joee madder race he's a little nervous he uh no he uh he he uh he has a secretary but if you uh if you page him or whatever and he's not working that day he'll get back to you and he would answer you but it's very italian advice i had i'll get back to you i'm taking my money on the jets i had a guy who was on sopranos i told you this on my podcast on your podcast he played my doctor

in my web series this italian guy he played the fucking italian doctor i'm not gonna say his name he was on the surprise did you it was the guy who played johnny sax johnny sax's son nephew i know son-in-law son-in-law who sold the glasses that guy was great yeah he's hilarious we had him on the nick and arty show he's like a good he's a good actor though very good he's in one of my favorite scenes of all time he nailed the nailed the italian doctor yeah well he didn't play a doctor on the No on my web series Oh on your thing Yeah he's a real actor that kid

Yeah yeah yeah But he was great What are you checking your phone? Are you obsessed with that thing? No I got my I got my outline on here What I wanted All the subjects that I got

We gotta combine these Well you better hurry the fuck up Your kid's about to get off a bus And Sandusky's waiting for him In a nice red I should just let you pick here Red pair of shorts Here's all of them And then we'll just pick yo motherfucker we got robin williams which you

already talked about last week robin williams uh yeah i got somebody who called and told me i need to stop whining that fixing joe's become a wine fest and then i needed to be try to not whine and and then i brag too much that's what one of my listeners well this this show is not going to help with the whining yeah we both did about 20 minutes of it uh my son and daughter on vacation happiness on vacation dad sharing dennis miller bits with me while we were on vacation uh the food on vacation oh my god a lot of different food things that we had in avalon that were just so where's avalon new jersey it New Jersey? It's actually like three towns up from Cape May's, the last Jersey shore town. And then it's Funicello.

Then it's Wildwood. Then it's Stone Harbor. Then it's Avalon. I don't even know where. Is it down by Point Pleasant? It's below Atlantic City. Oh, way the hell down there. It's way down.

Three hours from here. What's the water like down there? It was nice. It was fucking warm. It was nice. It can't Atlantic City. Oh, way the hell down there. It's way down. Three hours from here. What's the water like down there? It was nice. It was fucking warm. It was nice. It can't be clean. You're swimming in fucking Jersey urine. No, it was nice.

Nice? Old tampons and fucking hair weaves floating. No, it was nice. I always think the water on the northeast. I was in Gloucester. Yeah. I went over this. I heard it.

Yeah. 62 degrees, the water. Yeah, that was unbelievable. Because I couldn't believe that that much of a temperature difference to the South Jersey shore was warm. That's what I'm saying, because you're swimming in human waste. It kicks it up a few degrees. Up north, you know. Now, what do you call them?

Some people call it a sandbar. The beach we were on? We call it a sandbar. A sandbar? A sandbar. Well, this, like, you would go to the beach. There'd be a huge puddle that would be like four blocks long that was like from when the water was in high tide. Yeah, a sandbar.

Yeah, and then it would go over, and then the ocean would actually start again. We call that a sandbar. Okay, so I call it a gully. I don't know where I got that. A gully? Well, what you're doing is you're thinking of a jetty. No, the jetty's the thing that goes out in the water with the stone and the wood things. I think every time I hear jetty, I think, again, Sopranos.

What's he saying? They were talking about Vito or some fat guy, how much they ate. He goes, imagine him taking a dump like a fucking jetty. That's funny. Say it. Wait, what am I doing it for? What am I taking a dump? What is he taking a dump? It looks like a fucking jetty. That's funny. Say it. Wait, what am I doing it for? What am I taking a dump? What is he taking a dump?

It looks like a fucking jetty. All right. I haven't done Tony in a while. I love it. So I got the food and I got Cape Cod to talk about. I'm going to Cape Cod on Sunday

for another vacation. Another vacation? Good for you. Yeah, and then I got your barbecue on the list coming to your barbecue. Yeah, thanks for responding. I will respond. You, and then I got your barbecue on the list. I'm coming to your barbecue. Yeah, thanks for responding. I will respond.

You and four other people out of the 20 I sent. I figured nobody responds on time. They're all comedians. Boy, I guess I was brought up wrong. I got my Wood Floor Saga. Wait a minute. I want to hear about. And I have my Little League World Series.

So you pick. No, I want to hear. Go back a couple. Which one? I don't know. The food in Avalon? Keep going. Dad and me sharing Dennis Miller bits.

No, no, no. Start from the bottom. Whining. Start from the bottom. The bottom? Yeah. Little League World Series. And go back up.

Wood Floor Saga. Yeah. Nick DiPaolo Barbecue. Cape Cod soon. Cape Cod. Okay. Where are you going down the Cape? This year we're going somewhere that we've never been,

and I forget the name of it. It's right over, like, it's like the first town once you get over. Is that the Bourne Bridge? Yeah, the Bourne Bridge. You're going where? Like, I don't know. I'm acting like I know. Dennis?

No, Dennis is where we usually go. Oh, how's that for a guess on my part? Hyannis Port? Isn't Hyannis before Dennis? You got Hyannis. You have Hyannis Port. And you have Dennis and you have Wellfleet. Yarmouth.

Yarmouth and South Dennis and Hingham. Hingham. A man goes to a party. And then all the way out you have. So you don't know where you're going what's that town that's like a very gay town oh Provincetown I've been out there many times

got an ice cream and an AIDS goodnight everybody so yeah we're going to the Cape on Sunday to Sunday with my wife's family. Is that going to be fun? That will be your in-laws. You call it your wife's family.

People call it in-laws, which has a negative connotation. It's not all, I guess. Yeah. Well, my father-in-law is sober, and so is his. He goes with his second wife. But that implies he had a problem at one time. He did. Which makes him a good guy. So did his wife. But that implies he had a problem at one time. He did. Which makes him a good guy.

So did his wife. She's recovered also. Holy Jesus. Where'd they meet? A Zeppelin concert? I think they probably met in AA. Oh, cool. I have a feeling.

Like Christopher Moltisanti does. And my mother-in-law brings her boyfriend, and we all go in one house. And people are always amazed by that. But we get a huge house wait a minute they're not married anymore no they're divorced yet they vacation together yeah how cool they're really like progressives right they're like so the opposite of my mom and dad it's unbelievable they're like new new well yeah because your wife is real like um new age psychology literally well i realized from hanging out with my family for the week and then hanging out with my wife's family for the week that the difference is my parents are

very judgmental and then but they go to a church so all my wife was laughing to me she's like it's funny that your parents are so religious but that's so judgmental like they don't realize that's now that's her typical left-wing horse shit yeah and you know i love your wife joe's got a smoking hot smart wife by the way but tell her that's that's hack for her even for her that's what they always say the people who are secular you know they always say that about and i'm not religious by the way but uh yeah that's how it works when you're religious you do judge you're gonna ultimately be judged and you do judge people's behavior the problem is tell your wife who again i love by the way we don't judge enough in this world we don't

judge behavior enough in this world that's why people just act like fucking assholes people are people afraid to point out you know quit doing that you're a dick we don't judge people's behavior that's like makes you uncool and also know what it does? It fills the world with assholes. If somebody's being loud on their cell phone, tell them to shut the fuck up and they're being an asshole. And they'll go, who do you judge? I'm me. That's who. That's how I approach it.

But I don't think that's what she means by judgmental. What does she mean by judgmental? Let me think of a situation here. Yeah. What are your parents judging? It gets hard because my parents can listen to my podcast and your podcast. But they'll judge on race and religion a lot more than my wife's mom and dad so completely. Don't even fucking bring it up.

Yeah, and that's why we have Ferguson, Missouri. Because people like your in-laws are afraid to fucking judge. Yeah. I'm not saying one person's right or one person's wrong. I am. I'll say it for you. Okay. I like your parents.

Okay. Don't be afraid to judge. If some of these people judge their kids, they wouldn't be growing up to be fucking idiots. No, I'm sure. You know what I'm saying? You're very much like my my side of the family my family whereas but i like your wife when i meet her yeah she's so intelligent so this is the second time i think of uh kind of um even the last time you i think i would disagree

with something you tell me that your wife said i'll bring my wife's mom to your barbecue bring your wife over to the bar no to do the podcast. She can defend herself. She'll murder me. No, she wouldn't. In a debate. She's too soft-spoken. Is she really? Yeah, she wouldn't.

She's not. What do you mean? She threw a Heineken in my head one night. No, she didn't. After a show. No. All right, let's go back to your list. And your wife is Stephanie, right?

Yes. No, I like your list. So the cape, you don't know where you're going. So we're going right over to the bridge because we need more. Everyone keeps having kids, so then the house has to get bigger, and you can't afford a house out in Dennis. It's a little more expensive. This is a cheaper spot.

But you've got to drive three miles to get to the beach. It's right off Route 28. Probably. Yeah, everything's right off Route 28 in the Cape. It is. I did many a gig down there. That circle, that rotary right before the 28. Probably. Yeah, everything's right off Route 28. Yeah, it is. I did many a gig down there. That circle, that rotary right before the Bourne Bridge? Yeah.

I did a gig. Do you remember Marcy Rose? No. She was a heavyset woman. Oh, yes, I do remember her. Do you remember Marcy Rose? Yeah. Like a real Broadway type.

Yeah. Big, fat, funny lady. Nice lady. Yeah. I remember opening for her. What happened to her? Oh, she had diabetes. Diabetes 11, I think it was.

Her feet exploded. No, I'm guessing she's dead just by, she wasn't exactly a basket of health back in the late 80s. No, I don't know. She could be 110. I don't know. But every time I see that rotary right before the Bourne Bridge, there was like a restaurant up off the rotary that sits up high at the time.

And I remember being her opening act there. Barry Katz was my manager. It's funny because I've been going there every year since I kind of met my wife because that's where they went growing up and they liked to go there. And I would try to get gigs back when we first started dating and there's no

comedy gigs out there anymore. Down the Cape? Nothing. That was fertile ground when I started. A lot of one-nighters down there. You know what I mean? And Hyannis. There was a place. We had Stitches in Boston.

They had something called Stitches South, which was in Hyannis, right off Route 28. It was a Chinese restaurant. Were they summer gigs? Yeah. Yes. Okay. I believe this was a summer gig, but it was great. It was a Chinese restaurant, but it had a beautiful stage.

The stage was up high. You're looking down at the audience. I remember telling a whole story about it. I made the mistake of eating a four-pound baked stuffed lobster right before the show. And I learned a lesson from that. I'm up there burping, fucking up my timing. And then the two guys, I'm just fucking ruining my act. And people were laughing.

I was sweating I ate way too much but I remember one of my first jokes like I had like two pounds of steamers today I don't want to say there's a lot of sand but I left I don't want to say there's a lot of sand and I left a I left the castle in the toilet in a stall number three that was like my opening line every time I went down the cape and some guy gave me my first write-up there some guy from like the globe was in the audience whatever he gave me a great write-up there. Some guy from like the Globe was in the audience or whatever. He gave me a great write-up, which was cool. I love that place.

What, the Cape? I love it. It's the balls. My father-in-law said to me this year, and I was surprised that he said this, because we didn't go last year. We tried a new place. We went to Maryland, and it sucked. If you want crabs, you know.

He's big into fishing. And he got me kind of into it. So when we go on vacation, if we're somewhere where the fish, you're not catching anything, the vacation sucks. You're like, we had a dock in our backyard. I couldn't catch any crabs. I'm like, what the fuck? We're in Maryland.

I'm on the Chesapeake Bay. Nothing. So this year he's saying it's going to be way better. He did all this research. Where is he from originally? The father-in-law? New Rochelle, where I live now. Oh, he is?

Yeah, he grew up here. So he said that what he couldn't wait for two years, it's been since we've been back up to the Cape, he said he can't wait and has been thinking about it for two years to go to those little fried seafood shacks on the road that you got up there yes with the picnic tables yes yes what the they just hand you a thing of tinfoil yes you get a lobster all it's like 11 pounds and that in maine too if you want that shit go to maine the fried clams oh yeah off a little shack off the side of the road you can't miss and there's a place called the lobster farm i don't know it's right up in a

gunk with maine where bush his house up there yeah there's there's a place where you pick your own lobster there's a you know you go into this play into the restaurant not like you know it's a i mean it's like an aquarium like like, you know, 400 gallons. There's about 3,000 lobsters. You just tell the guy, give me that one. And two minutes later, they bring it out to you. You're sitting on a picnic table. I love that shit.

I love New England. New England is amazing that way. What's different about New England than the Jersey Shore, to me, New England has a little bit of a woodsy-ness to it. Especially the Cape. Usually the house we're at is on a pond. England has a little bit of a woodsyness to it. Yeah. Especially the Cape. Yeah. Usually the house we're at is on a pond. Right.

And we end up fucking being lazy and not going to the ocean because the pond with the sand is right behind the house. So you're like, let's just- What, you swim in that pond? We swim in the pond. My father-in-law's outdoors. You know, he brings kayaks. He's Mr. Kayak with the fishing pole off the back.

I wish I was like that. I'm not, but I try. Do you see the lakes around my house up here in Westchester? Yeah, drop a kayak. If you go out Route 100, you go out the back towards wherever, Katona or whatever, there's reservoirs, crystal beauty. You go out there today, you'll see one little boat on it with two gold guys fishing it. I mean, I'm not taking advantage of even up here.

Four miles from my house, I'm surrounded by these reservoirs or lakes. I don't even know what the fuck they are. I'm the same way. I'm two miles from the Long Island Sound. Today I drove by it. I'm just lazy. Just for the heck of it. And I go, why don't I ride my bike to this?

Look at this. The fucking ocean's right there. I don't even go. Yeah. No, I'm just saying anything that takes any effort. I think it's the lime. It's the lime. It's sucking the life out of me.

Dude, I got it. The Jersey Shore, though, might rival it food-wise. Oh, I'm sure. There's like a few different staples there. I don't know if you've even spent any time down there. You have to 12-pound calzone before you go swimming, though. Dude, there's this place. We went to it on the Ocean City Boardwalk, because that's where you'll take your kids

because they got a boardwalk with rides. Manco Manco Pizza. Holy shit. Oh, you're not going to beat. Yeah, you won't beat. Pizza is the best. It was like you were at one of the best places in New York City on the boardwalk. Yeah, I believe it.

And then next to it will be the greatest fucking soft the the frozen custard the real frozen custard dude they roll them in the fucking rainbow i call them jimmies you might call them sprinkles you call them jimmies now why would you do that you're not from new england i don't know that's in new england is it yeah maybe it's a philly thing too oh is that right because i called them jimmies growing up. Not sprinkles. And dips, not scoops. Double dips, single dips. Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for diarrhea, though. Delicious pizza, then some frozen custard.

Oh, dude. Huh? I'd be leaving a jetty down there from here to Point Pleasant. I was amazed my six-year-old son wasn't afraid of one ride. Like, he would just go running up. So the opposite of me. He'd measure if his head was tall enough, and he's like, give me five tickets.

Boom. He went on the fucking hellhole by himself. Did he really? That thing that spins and you stick to the walls, he went on that alone. I was like, you're crazy. You know what you do? You bring him home and go on the internet,

and you Google carnival accidents, and you show him a few clips. and you Google carnival accidents and you show them a clip. I want you to watch this. A family beheaded on the whip. All of a sudden, I go, this kid won't fucking pee in the toilet without me standing outside the fucking door

with it open, but he'll go on the fucking hill. I don't know. He's just afraid. Comes in our room every night. No kidding. Something bad happen to him in the toilet? I hope not. I'm just looking at some of these sound effects.

I'm going to hit that I totally have nothing to do with what we're talking about. Just to make people laugh. I'm thinking to change my whole podcast away from fixing Joe because this one guy has said I sound like I'm whining why would you give a show at one guy unless we have four guys total why would you care what one guy thinks

I don't know I started to kind of agree with him because I tried what he said on vacation and I was like I'm having a better time than I usually do I was like I'm fucking not bringing my phone to the beach that's all I'm not even bringing it I have no there's no option. And just don't fucking complain

and just try to fucking have fun with my kids and not think about my job. And I forced myself. And I was like, wow, I'm having a better time than I usually do. There you go. I got to go to... See, I'm depressed. I got to go to...

And it's sad. I don't know how I get to this point. I know I have to get on a plane Thursday to Atlanta to do the improv. Before I went to Columbus, I was depressed because I had to fly there. Yeah. Especially you. You've got a wife and kids.

It's got to be, well, I have a wife, but I have no kids. It must be hard to leave. My last podcast was called I'm Depressed, Help Me. While I was in Columbus, I recorded it. That's kind of whiny. I'm like, well, I guess I should change the title of my podcast and maybe I get away from the fixing thing maybe it's just it's I'll call it where's my belt I'm better now yeah you are better you seem uh more up I just have you done the improv in Atlanta I haven't in years I love Atlanta

but I only have done that other room, the Laughing Skull, which is right in downtown Atlanta. It's in the downtown section. That's not the A room. The Punchline is probably the best. The Punchline I've done 50 times, and all of a sudden, I don't know what happened there. There's a guy that took ownership of it, a nice Jewish guy.

He reminds me of Seinfeld. He actually looks like Jerry. He's got kids like you, young kids. He actually emceed a couple times. And he's a young he's got kids like you young kids he actually mc'd a couple times and he's a brand new owner not brand new he's had it for a few years now but there was a guy that owned that forever oh yeah he sold it yeah an italian guy ron what was the name kind of a tough guy ron denunzio or something yeah he was a hardcore he liked his you know he liked his party he liked his blow and his drink. I love that guy.

And to give you an idea, even he took a year off from me. He goes, you're getting a little too dark for the room. Really? Yeah. Well, they're so happy-go-lucky down there. Yeah, they can get a little too Yahoo-ish, you know, drunk and yelling shit out. Not at this other club. This other club's more of the artsy. What, the Laughing Skull of the it's small it's small and it's a little artsy i've been mentioning that to my agent

but but the improv the money's not as good the i'm getting good money at the improv you're not going to get that decent money i should say so but i haven't done the improv in years in atlanta i'm sure it's in a whole different location i don't even know i don't do research but it used to be in buckhead i might still be in buckhead but i doubt it's in a whole different location. I don't even know. I didn't do research. But it used to be in Buckhead. It might still be in Buckhead, but I doubt it's the exact same room. It may be. But Bud Friedman,

it probably is. It might be the exact same room. I remember there was one in that underground or something years ago. There was an... Wasn't it... I used to emcee their clubs when I was starting out

because I lived in Florida for like six months. Yeah. And I remember doing the punchline with Kozak, the musician. The musician? The magician. Do you ever hear of that guy?

Yeah. Is he still around? I don't know. Kozak. Yeah. He would do a trick and then he would go, come on, folks, that was fucking amazing. That was his fucking line.

He had to convince people it was amazing. I had a few at the Empire. I already told the story. I was telling road stories Way back when I first started the podcast Six months ago And But I come out of the improv

And this like hot chick All drunk Comes wandering over I'm getting to a cab By myself And she Puts her arm in my arm And go where we going

And I go okay She gets in a cab with me No way Guess she was at the show I still to this day I'm not sure She was at the She must have been Otherwise why would she gets in a cab with me guess she was at the show i still listen to this day i'm not sure she was at the she must have been um otherwise why would she get in a can you know and uh yeah i ended up calling the cops on her she threw up in my room and stuff she goes i gotta go on i i told the story we still i had the cab i had the cab stop off at

like a 7-eleven and she she went in she bought salsa and a big bag of chips and she's wolfing them down like an animal like a frat brother and all of a sudden she's like I gotta use the bathroom and I had one of those I had a suite

with like French doors you know that separate the bedroom all of a sudden she goes in there to take a piss I'm expecting it's like 10 minutes late

she's still not out and I just keep watching TV all of a sudden I hear I like open the doors There's a trail of bell peppers And salsa on the rug She peels all of my bed And I kind of wake her up

I tap her face And she gets up all belligerent Get the fuck away She's like crazy That I'm trying to push her Out the door Did you have sex with her? No I didn't

I don't think I did No I didn't Isn't it funny That we was so old we can't remember if we fucked them or not well i like to think it's not that i'm so old as there was so many but uh that's when i had a ponytail and a red turtleneck on did you really what was that uh did i really What's the matter with you? Yes, I opened for Kojak. There was a time where I had long hair and a fucking ponytail.

I'm embarrassed to say. Did you really? There was a time. Were you doing magic? I just had a fucking, I don't know. Watch me pull a scrunchie out of his hand. My hair used to match whatever girl I was dating, what they liked. Like I dated some girl that liked guys with long hair.

I'm like, I'll fucking, I grew it out. I'll play you. I have Joe, actually. This is one of Joe's bits. I have audio him at the improv. This is one of my favorite bits you do. I didn't know. Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers

for his wife. Every episode. I guess I'll have to spread my legs now, she says. Why, he asks. Don't you have a vase? That joke will make me laugh till I'm 170. He's playing every fuck.

Here's another clip of Joe. When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? Full speed ahead. That's a young Joe Mattarese with his ponytail as we go down memory lane. That was the middle square.

So Little League World Series, can we talk about that a little bit? Sure, sure. I've been following it. Well, the Philly team's kicking ass. so uh little league world series can we talk about a little sure sure that the i know i've been i've been following it well the philly team's kicking ass oh of course they have a a cute black girl who's unbelievable ronson i think her last pitch is tomorrow night yes yes she does my brother pretty too she's pretty she looks like a who does she look like tyra banks like a kid version of it is that right yeah that's kind of creepy that you said that but go ahead the funny thing is my six-year-old son goes that's not a girl that's a boy that's what he said she looked like a boy he's got good instincts well you know she's

kind of boyish she'll be a boy later yeah that's right he's a prophet you kid you know i mean it's a genius she'll be a boy that's a nice way of putting it. But she is. She's actually cute. No, she's cute. But I'm sick of hearing about her. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. She's a very good pitcher.

Yeah, we'll see how good. Well, tomorrow night, my brother said if they win. Who are they playing tomorrow? Is it Texas? I think it might be that Texas team. Isn't that who they, who did they beat when the kid threw it over? Did you see the last game? I saw them all and I can't remember.

They're all blending into me now. Bad error to lose the game. Yeah. So they the kid threw it over? Did you see the last game? I saw them all, and I can't remember. They're all blending into me now. Bad error to lose the game. Yeah. Straight stop throws it over. Did you see the pitcher crying and then striking guys out while he was crying? He was bawling. What the fuck was that? Was that John Boehner's kid on the mound?

My brother goes, why is he crying and throwing fucking gas? He was. Isn't that hilarious? He struck the kid out. I know. He's bawling his eyes out because they scored a few runs on him.

They didn't yet, though. Why was he crying then? He just, I don't know. Was that his period? He was like down in the count while he was pitching. He's just depressed. He'll be on Fixing Joe next week.

Kid was out there sobbing. Meanwhile, throwing, just picture like, you know. Nolan Ryan crying. Yeah, Nolan Ryan crying. Blowing his nose and throwing 99 on the black. Well, my brother said if they win Wednesday, they play for the whole U.S. on Saturday at 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

And my brother said he's going to drive to Williamsport to watch the game. What town is it, Joe? It's not Philly proper, right? It's, that's what people don't realize. Is it a suburb of Philly, that team? No, it's like, it's a South Philly area. You know, it's, if you notice the ethnic makeup of the team. Yeah, I guess it was a little black.

It's mostly black. Not as black as the Chicago team. The, there's a Jackie Robinson team. Is there? Are they still in it, too? Last night, they were playing Cumberland, Rhode Island. It was an elimination game. And they beat Cumberland 8-7.

I mean, the games are great. I've watched a couple. And Cumberland, Rhode Island's coach, Belial, or Belial, his name is, he is like, they had the microphone on him. He knows just what to say to kids. And you can tell it's heartfelt. He really loves kids and gives a shit.

His wife has cancer. I saw that when they were interviewing. Just an upbeat guy. I guarantee he's going to be a household name. ESPN had the mic on him the whole time. Just going out to the monogam, and his kids, he goes, hey, I need a smile from you.

You know, he's just saying all the shit that you, like, politically correct stuff. But really what kids need to hear at that point. Right. Nice and motivating. But he's not, and he means it. Right. This guy, I mean, just, he's got a wife with cancer. And, yeah, they ended up losing to the team from Chicago.

It's an all-black team. There's a couple kids that are 6'5", you know, 150. No, they're like 5'8", 140, throwing heat. And they're good, the Chicago team. They're going to be, to me, they're going to be tough to beat. They hit the ball. When they hit it, it sounds like, you know, a major league ball player hitting it. That might be the team that I watched last night.

A kid hit a homer on the center field. And he just started doing this fucking trot he hit it so far over the fence did you see it it would have been out of yeah i don't know we've been out of yankee stadium it was a shot he's like he's like five six 140 or whatever but did you see what happened he did a little showboating coming around third base did you see this no what happened so um he did a little bit of showboating and um they go to commercial whatever they come back and they show they show him during the commercial i guess this happened he goes over to the rhode island coach and apologizes for showboating and the rhode island coach the guy was just telling you about said don't worry about it kid you should be excited

you hit a home run you know i mean He says the perfect thing to the kid. But it was funny because the kid goes, I'm sorry for what I was doing. He goes, why are you sorry? And the kid goes, well, my coach told me to say I'm sorry. But it was a nice moment. It was like, you know what I mean? It was like we need more of it. Well, that's why I like the Little League. I think you just defined why I like it better than watching Major League Baseball

is there's moments in it that are more heartfelt. Absolutely. Sincere. Yeah, it has to be the World Series for you to feel that when you're watching baseball on TV. No, exactly. Where you're like, Jesus. You don't feel that way in the Cardinals match in June? No.

It's 11-3. Who gives a fuck? But, yeah, it was a nice moment. And it was handled nice. The kid was nice about it. And the coach, Rhode Island. That guy, I'm telling you, he's going to be an analyst. I guarantee you, ESPN is going to offer him something.

A radio show. Malil, his name is. Maybe he'll broadcast next year for the Little League World Series or something. I mock my words. I'm making a prediction. And then when they lost, he did this like, he came over and he gave like a five-minute speech to the kids. next year for the Little League World Series or something. I mock my words. I'm making a prediction. And then when they lost, he did this like, he came over and he gave like a five-minute speech to the kids. He goes, I need to see your eyes.

You know, they have the heads down there crying. He goes, I need to see your eyes. He goes, guys, the whole town, everybody's talking about you. We're going to have a parade on Saturday. And we have two more days to have fun here. He goes, do you understand what you accomplished this year? He saying all the right shit wow and it was beautiful it really it was heartfelt it really is I mean any man can say you just think back to you you may be with peewee football but me little league I mean well I remember my dad yelling at me I told you I have

a picture of my father he was my coach and like A picture on the local paper of him yelling at me. You should never coach your own kids. It's just bad. That fucking Bad News Bears, the original with Matthau, I mean, it just nails. Remember the one kid whose dad fucking smacked him during the game? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the kid just fucking clutches the ball? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that just nailed it. I don't like when the... It was funny. My old man there was somebody Get picture him yelling at me I just Remember I was playing third I've made it Like three shitty throws to first Base I don't blame him for yelling at me I think about It but my old man wasn't like

That just with me he was because I Remember there was a kid We were playing another team in Little League And there was a kid on the mound And his in little league and there was a kid on the mound and his father was yelling at him like swearing at him like berating his kid verbally abusing while he was on the mound and my father went over and told the guy to shut up and they almost get into it yeah you know your dad was right yeah he was right because everybody in the stands was looking at this guy and he was like cursing at his son like saying fucking you know the f word and my old man went down and said what

are you doing and he goes i know i know i'm gonna get you know he didn't live far from us this guy either i'm not gonna mention his name i'm sure he's been dead forever now but it was unbelievable this kid was like crying on the mark well that kid that was crying um what you said it was texas the kid who was crying while he was pitching yeah do you remember what the coach came and said to him in the middle of the game he said quit being a twat no i don't basically did did he but he used the word bow up which i never heard before my brother said that's a very common term bow up bow up it's like a southern like you know man up basically like stop you know, man up, basically. Like, stop fucking crying. Okay.

Cowboy up, son. Yeah, but he didn't listen. And like you said, he was bawling his eyes out and throwing BBs. It was... Wasn't it funny? It was weird. He got better. I used to kind of get nuts like that when I would play sports. Like, I can remember throwing guys out and giving them the finger as I was letting the ball go.

Matt Ares is a little punkish. I was a little fucking, I would get too intense. I hit four kids in a row in farm my first year of Little League. They put me in a pitch, and I could throw hard. And I hit four kids in the back in a row, and I was balling my eyes out on the mound. Crying. And I bit my tongue. I was chewing gum.

My coach came out to talk to me. I got all nervous. I bit almost the tip of my tongue. I'm spitting blood. So anyways, I go home all upset. The phone rings, and it's my coach, and he's talking to my dad. And then my father put me on, and he goes, by the way, you know, you struck out 16. I had struck out 16.

You hit four, but you struck out 16. But I was all upset. I was just like that kid. I was bawling my eyes out because I was drilling these kids in the back. I had no idea where it was going. I was a shortstop. They put me in a pitch. Everyone was a pitcher in Little League.

Yeah, everybody was a pitcher. Get in there. Yeah, so you guys, if you like sport, I mean, the Little League World Series, it's great. I mean, there's a lot of late inning drama and drama and stuff, and the games, they play in about an hour and a half. Oh, yeah. It's perfect, right?

And you can watch it with your kid. Like, I was watching it with my son. I can't. I don't have one. I watched last night's with a kid. She's a 14-year-old girl. She saw her on Route 1, and she's in a pair of hot pants, and I got to bring her back right after the show.

So what's it like watching it with your kids? Well, I was trying to teach my son because he's still too young, you know. How old is he? So I'm like explaining stealing and tagging up and when there's a force out, trying to explain that. How old is your kid? He's six, six and a half. What do you mean he's too young?

He should be playing Little League now. He does play. Oh, he does? But I don't think he really understands tagging up and when you're allowed to steal. Because you can't steal in the level of Little League. So he doesn't know the daylight play and all that shit? No. Did they hit the ball off a tee still?

No. The last year they did coach pitching. And it was amazing how. Coach pitching? The coach pitching. They're only six. That's because of me, you know. No, but Little League starts at eight.

My son's only six. So, you know, when you hit eight, they pitch. When I was a kid, we were hitting the ball live pitching at age six. But no, we didn't even play Little League when we were six growing up. Of course we did. It started at eight. What a faggy town did you grow up in. I started at an eight.

Were you in Provincetown? What are you talking about? You didn't start Little League at six years old. You sure? Yeah, it was eight. Eight? Eight years old to 12. Well, whatever.

The first year we were facing live pitching. Yeah. Well, that's not how they do it. They hit off a tee now. Yeah, but that's because they're younger. Oh, really? I don't know about that. Trust me.

I'm going to look that up. Hold on. Let me Google. Faggotry in baseball. Well, they let the kids pitch a few games, and it was ugly because they're throwing it all over the fucking place. I don't give a shit. Putting a ball on a stick is gay.

I'm saying the coaches are pitching. They throw it right over. That makes a little better. You'll be there all day. But what if you get that asshole coach who's throwing heaters right in the beans, a kid? I'm sure he exists. The coach of my son's team wore a full Yankee uniform. No, he did not.

I swear to God. No, he did. What's swear to God. No, he... He did. What's this motherless fuck's name? He looked like he was right out of the Dominican Republic.

He would get down on one knee when he would throw the kid pitch. Oh, he's a Dominican guy? Yeah, he looked like... And he wore a full Yankee uniform.

He looked like a pro player. He looked like... Did you get a picture of the footage? I have a picture on my phone. That's hilarious. Yeah, I think I tweeted it.

I think I have a video, too. He looked like Mariano Rivera like rookie year. That's hilarious. Yeah, I think I tweeted it. I think I have a video, too. He looked like Mariano Rivera, like rookie year. He goes home and tweets, I struck out 11 five-year-olds. I'm working on a cutter. Shit. Speaking of which, I'm not going to make it in time for my son's bus. What are you talking about? You got to go.

I do. I got to go. Want to wrap it up? We have to wrap it up. We have to wrap it up. Joe's kid is getting off a bus in downtown Detroit. He's only six, but he's there for a tournament. I'll

look forward to being on your podcast again, and thanks for doing mine. So that's what we did. This is a simulcast type thing. Kid, you'll hear this on riotcast.com, obviously. And then Joe will put it up on my Fixing Joe feed. On his Fixing Joe feed, whatever that is. And Joe, thank you for coming over at the last minute.

No problem. You're a mensch. And you can say your clean your ass thing that you always say. And that's right, kids. Don't forget to wash your nose and rinse your filthy asses. Don't forget to wash your nose and rinse your filthy asses. Good night until we meet again. Adios.

Oh, go see me at the Improv in Atlanta this weekend, 21 through 24. guitar solo guitar solo Bye.