The Nick DiPaolo Show - 051 - Wops vs Savages

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

Wops vs Savages

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. How's it going, kids? Yeah, what's up? Nick DiPaolo podcast. Monday, again. Life's whipping by. I'll be dead soon. I can feel it. So what's happening since I talked to you last not a hell of a lot folks i'll be honest with you happy columbus columbus day by the way yes it's uh

well i think most cities still call it columbus day apparently uh that's been quite an ongoing controversy for the last few years. That has a special meaning for me because, as you know, I appeared in a Sopranos episode entitled Christopher. It was about Columbus Day and the remember all the Native Americans. So having a in the episode, they were having a big protest against Columbus Day. And Silvio and the boys show up. And I play the role of Joey the cop, which a lot of people are putting up on Twitter to remind me. That was my acting debut and the end of my acting career with the Sopranos but uh it was great I remember we shot it in Newark I've talked about this on the show before

I believe I don't know maybe I talked about it on a radio interview it all blends in I can't remember shit anymore because of the insomnia we'll get to that in a few minutes. Yeah, so, you know, Silvio shows up with the boys. They have a clash. I play Joey the cop, and I get in between them and bust up the fight. I'll play the scene for you. What the hell?

What's the beauty of technology today, huh? You see my career in a nutshell. I've done a little acting other than this. The coolest part was auditioning, though. To go into a room and there's david chase sitting there are you shitting me silver silver cup studios it was beautiful because i lived in astoria jumped on the subway and it was like what 30 seconds up the street on the subway it was beautiful and then setting uh then went in and see, you know, David Chase. His real name's Cesario, by the way, something like that. A lot of people don't realize that, a real Italian.

I think what got me the role in the audition, I read the lines, and, you know, in the scene, I'm breaking up the fight, and I go, break it up! And I did that whistle in the audition audition and i just came up with that right there and then i was in the moment for a second and i think that might have landed me the audition either that it was it was a nice sloppy blow job i gave uh david chase just kidding jesus christ let's not get that started. But it was awesome.

Going to the table read. I'll talk about it after I play the clip. Let me play the whole clip for you. What the hell? Somewhere here, isn't it? Yeah, sure it is. God, my eye's bad. The sight of your cities pain the eyes of the red man.

A man in your cities is numb to the stench. The battle is over. Mussolini was Hitler's bitch? I'd love to know who wrote that. Here comes Silvio and the boys. here come sylvio and the boys in the words of chief seattle in the memory of my tribe shall have become a myth among the white men hey you cop cops to get out of here you son of a bitch my bad these shores you summon a bitch my bastards oh a bastard. These shores. You summon a bitch, I'm a bastard. Oh, the Italians.

Gotta love them. These woods, the highway, will swarm with the invisible dead of our people. The white man will never be alone. This is Newark, baby. We don't play that shit. That better not be Columbus. Take it down. He's going to burn.

Don't you love Stevie Zant as Sylvia. Take it down. Take it down. Our ancestors did. No shit I am, cupcake. We're not taking anything down. That's sexist. I'm gonna fucking hang you up there. Uh-oh, here I come.

Break it up. Hey, break it up. Break it up. Break it up. Hey, break it up. Break it up. Hey, we will make a rest. What the fuck is this, Joey? They get a permit, Gil. Everybody, come on, let's go. Everybody.

I'll remember this, Joey. And then the brawl ensues. That fun it was so cool man i again i think i'm gonna mention i don't know if i mentioned on the podcast because i've told the story many times but it was about 10 degrees in newark that day and i'm sitting there with a cop uniform on like but no coat i left it in the trailer and i'm standing there like an idiot freezing and uh and it was so fun uh because they don't even they didn't even pay attention to me some shows you do they sit right next to you the whole time making sure you're ready for your scene and they kind of like make you nervous putting makeup on you the last set but nobody was even paying attention it was beautiful

then i saw the scene before i was ended so i went up to van patten the director Tim Van Patten and I said I introduced myself and said what do you want me to do fight my way through the crowd and just kind of time it and he goes yeah that's fine which is awesome probably why the show was so good

and that was my little scene with Stevie Van Zandt, Silvio Dante, who was sitting in a car before the scene, Stevie Van Zandt was, keeping nice and warm. And I'm standing near the car. Then I get the nerve up to go talk to him because the window was rolled down. And I introduced myself.

And I go, sorry about your dog. Somebody told me his dog had died the day before. And he just gave me that Silvio Dante. I'm going to fucking whack you. Look, he just rolled up the window. I was just trying to make conversation, but maybe he was already in character or he's just a prick. I don't know. But I know he's a real animal lover, so maybe he didn't want to be reminded of that.

Right before the scene. But his character cracks me the fuck up. But that was great. Great experience. Like going to the table read once I got the call that I got it. And you go to the table read. And I told you, I think the woman that played Adriana was there. She was sitting across, and she had like a short skirt on and I

was like kind of staring at her and it came my turn to deliver my line at the table read I wasn't paying attention do you understand how stupid that is and everybody just started laughing oh they were very nice but that'll get you canned on some shows you know then they had a big feast there. I remember going into the Silver Cup studio. Edie Falco was coming out, gave me a nice smile and hello. And it was just, it was so awesome.

Gandolfini wasn't there. I don't think Pauly was there either at the read. I mean, Tony Sirico, I should say. But yeah, that's the big controversy on Columbus Day. That's how they handled it it was pretty funny you should watch that episode um the whole episode is ralph cifaretto you know starts threatening me like native american groups and stuff and um he goes about it by um you've

probably seen the episode but ionize eagle the uh remember the guy that used to do the if you remember the commercials of the 70s where somebody throws a bag of garbage out the window it lands at the foot of a native american indian and he's a tear comes down his cheek the guy that played that indian was in this ep in this episode cifaretto says he wasn't even italian he's like sicilian and whatever it's really it's all right. It was pretty interesting, actually. I thought it was pretty funny. But it was great, man.

I got to, you know, later on I got to meet Michael Imperioli and Vince Crotolo who played Johnny Sack, who I love this guy because I walk up to him. We we were doing a gig in vegas it was a wise guy show they put together a show christopher maltisanti i mean michael imperioli i should say hosted it with steve sciarippa it was a bunch of comics i was one of them and so i go up to uh vince crotola who played johnny sack and i go you you are a monster it was right after one of his episodes and he thought like I was insulting him so funny he just gave me again this like fucking scary Johnny Sack look and then I went up I said I didn't mean that as an insult and then uh we then we hit it off after the show because he's like a miserab like me

we sat at the table smoking cigarettes at the casino. Me and him were just bad-mouthing people walking by and shit. And he's kind of like a right-winger. He's on Fox News a lot and stuff, and he's a great frigging actor, man. He's done some stuff since, Vince Curtola. But we were just shitting on people, and I just loved his jaded, shitty attitude. So that's the big thing, though. Columbus Day, you know, that's controversial. Yeah, we know.

We know there were people living here hundreds of years before Columbus showed up. But you got to admit him showing up changed the course of history. And I love how the revisionist history, like the Native Americans that were here were just laying around, you know. Let's pretend a lot of them weren't savages trying to kill people, not justifying what went on, but every country in the history of the planet

came about through some type of, you know, oppression of people, and I just love how we love to focus on America because we're the only superpower left, and what a horrible history. That's all people have to do. We get it. You know?

He's not a hero, but he's not a, you know. I don't know what he is. He's a hero to the Italian people. I mean, Jesus Christ, he did bump into this place first from Europe. christ he did bump into this place first from europe um so uh yeah does it you know it's a it's a big uh controversy and uh like uh in seattle and minneapolis they will not they recognize the second monday in october as indigenous People's Day. What does that tell you? Just the title, you know?

It's not about Columbus. It's about the people who are victims of Columbus. Again, you can argue that. These cities join a growing list of jurisdictions choosing to shift the holiday's focus from Christopher Columbus to the people he encountered in the New World in their modern-day descendants. The Seattle School Board followed suit along with Portland Public Schools, where officials

say Indigenous Peoples Day, it's a nice impersonal title, isn't it, will not replace Columbus Day, but supplement it. Schools across the country have been working for years to clarify Columbus's role in history to supplement it. Schools across the country have been working for years to clarify Columbus's role in history, to supplement it. So you pointing out what he did is going to, it's only going to make it a richer celebration. And a lot of Italians, you know,

are having problems with this, people of Italian-American heritage. Italian-Americans are deeply offended. Lisaisa marchese a lawyer affiliated with the orders sons of italy and america told the seattle times by this resolution you say to all italian americans that the city of seattle no longer deems your heritage or your community worth worthy of recognition yeah they've been saying that forever on the left coast okay it's just a left-wing bastion of liberal horseshit and revisionist history Worthy of recognition. Yeah, they've been saying that forever on the left coast. Okay? It's just a left-wing bastion of liberal horseshit and revisionist history.

Let's make sure, you know, when we talk about slavery, let's make sure we clarify that, you know, black people were selling other black people too. Because we want to get the full history of that. Right? Let's just supplement it. What a bunch of horseshit. President Harrison established Columbus Day in 1892,

the 400th anniversary of Columbus landing in the Bahamas. I think he landed at Sandals, didn't he? Or was it Hedonism II in Jamaica? He also discovered chlamydia. He ran into a bunch of trunk squaws at the pool behind the Hyatt. Of course, you know, kids, Berkeley, California is thought to be the first city to adopt Indigenous People's Day in 1992. You know, those fucking communist cocksuckers. They jump right on it.

Columbus discovered the New World Order. The International Day of the World's Indigenous People is celebrated on August 9th, thanks to a 1994 United Nations General Assembly resolution. Again, aren't there any other countries? Let's look into what other superpowers. Let's look into Russia's history and how they treated people. Let's look into Stalin, and let's make sure we clarify all that. Make that clear to the kids too.

Could we? I'm just asking for some balance here. You titless wonders. So that's a big controversy. I say yay Christopher Columbus. And Native Americans. But again, let's not act like it was a passive group he ran into. I was at Foxwoods and I said, speaking of Indians and casinos, that's what I wanted to do.

I asked the crowd, is there a way to get an Indian hooker? Could I get a girl dressed up like an Indian or an actual Indian woman to come to my room? And I just want to pull down my pants, whip it out and have her do the tomahawk chalk and go. And then just give her like $500. Don't even have sex with her. Just have her do the Tomahawk chalk to my penis. Um, yeah, Foxwoods. Not, uh, not that fun a weekend, I'm going to be honest.

Uh, I was at Comics. That's a place where i uh shot raw nerve three or four years ago and um you know it's a decent club but casino gigs can be iffy you know because what happens is a lot of people just wander in because you know it's it's all kinds of entertainment under one roof which is a scary thought in the first place. In casinos, I don't know, the crowds skeeve me. I've talked about how much I hate Vegas, and it just draws a low class. And I'm not saying the people that came out to see me were, because some shows they did know who I was, but other shows it's like,

what are you fucking doing here? Well, they gave away coupons. They slipped them under our door, you know, in the Grand Cedar Hotel. giveaway coupons they they slipped them under our door you know in the uh grand cedar hotel and um they just you know they people some people are just pissed because they're losing money all weekend and other people just wander in they've never been to a comedy club it was very bizarre first show thursday night i had a ball small crowd and um but i i winged i was just throwing shit out there off the top of my head, some of it was very heinous and funny, and I listened to the recording, this is how it works, folks, and you

come up with new stuff from there, at least that's how I like to work, and it was great, but little did I know that was gonna be like the best show of the week, Friday night, just one show and that was fucking one of the worst crowds i have ever encountered in my life just don't get me wrong i still get off you know with a decent because you know after doing this 26 years you learn all kinds of tricks to save yourself but they i mean bits that i've been doing for a couple years that i've never missed they're just tilting their head and there's there's like old people and and politically correct young people and they're laughing in the wrong place it's so funny it's so funny they're actually laughing at the setups where it's not even supposed to get a laugh and then just moaning it's shit that's mildly

off color just you can just it's like banging a virgin like you've never done this before have you you can just fucking just clueless at what they're laughing and you're just it's like banging a virgin like you've never done this before have you you can just fucking just clueless at what they're laughing and you're just like wait a minute you should be at like a gabriel and glace's show you shouldn't be here i mean just moaning at shit that was i mean you know pg-13 in my opinion and that's when you're like oh oh, my God, what is going on? How PC can we get? And then one night, to prove my point, I talked about this in the last podcast, how people will sometimes wander into a show, you know, at least guys at my level. I have my core fans, but it's not like a huge following like, you know,

Dane Cook or Louie, you know, but I have a core, you know dane cook or uh louis you know but i have a core you know but these people uh the owners come backstage and they're laughing those two characters that run comics are just crazy and um this couple wanted their money back after the first five minutes of the opening act this kid was emceeing who was funny enough, this kid Chris from Boston, and they're like, this is not what we, we, it said something about the guy

from Last Comic Standing, I don't know what the fuck they were talking about, and they go, we didn't come to see this guy, and the owner of the club goes, no, you came to see Nick DiPaolo, and they go,

this isn't Nick DiPaolo? They didn't even know the emcee, the difference, and then they, Apollo and they go this isn't Nick Apollo they didn't even know the MC the difference and then they I think they went back to the seat and then came up again like two minutes later and wanted their money back

five minutes into the show proving my point that people come out to a comedy club not even knowing who the fuck they're gonna... I mean, I said this last week, I think. Do you buy... Does that happen in other art forms?

People, do you just... Do you buy a ticket to a music venue not knowing? People just think comedy's like homogenous. They don't know there's any difference. Do you know what I mean? They always ask that when they call the club. Is he funny?

I don't know. How the fuck? These people had no clue. It was just, it was a weird weekend. And the second show was the best on Saturday night. But what they did, they labeled that the dirty show, which pissed me off. Because not that I'm a clean act,'t i don't want to market myself as dirty they did they do something on friday night at that club the second show is called the nasty

show which i don't participate in you know i'll do it up in montreal festival for a week but there's no need to whatever um so there's like it was full the second show saturday night but even there even with the term uh dirty in the title people are like getting a little i say something off color and it's like oh a lot of that moaning and drunk people yelling shit out and uh the owner's son goes yeah we get we get more people in on the second show Saturday. It wasn't doing that well, but we changed it to the dirty show. And it gets, and I quote, he goes,

it gets a younger, drunker crowd in. I almost fucking fainted. I got so angry. I was seeing purple. It's the last thing you want to do is encourage drunk people into a comedy club. How the fuck you don't know that? I still love these guys

and uh i said okay whatever whatever you gotta do you know but um you know people yelling shit out a bachelorette party sitting in the back who behaved actually i could be honest they behaved fairly well i think they might have caused a little bit of a disturbance during the feature act. But overall, a frustrating weekend. Oh, what the fuck? I gotta remember to turn the sound off on this goddamn iPad. Hold on, kids. No, you know what? I'm gonna to leave it. I can't find it. There's a button. My finger's too fat to touch it. So, uh, Foxwoods. Kind of creepy, too. I go to room service, like, the night I get there. A guy comes up, black gentleman, with a very thick, what else, but a Western African accent. Scared the shit out of me i brought you up

some extra bread here is your new england clam chowder and your diet pepsi for 12 dollars i'm like i hope this guy wasn't like sweating into my salad. What would the Ebola scare? But he had a sweater guard. He sounded like he was from Sierra Leone. Because I had watched that HBO documentary. By the way, watch that if you get a chance. Terror at the Mall, I think it was called.

About that attack in Nigeria a few years ago at Westgate Mall. Oh, my God. You want to scare the shit out of yourselves? Watch that. Fucking makes Ebola look like the sniffles. Thank you very much. Gratuity is included. The whole Ebola thing.

Getting crazy, isn't it? People are like, how do I, how do I, how do we avoid Ebola? People are getting irrational. How do we avoid eat how do we avoid but people are getting irrational how do we avoid how do we avoid the ebola well i don't know why don't you stop by not eating the ass of a uh stripper from liberia avoid you know avoid um cups of diarrhea from sierra leone you should be fine kind of creepy though right because some woman got it now that supposedly had the whole hazmat suit and all that stuff and the guy that's the head of uh you know center for disease control is saying well it was breached the safety her safety was

breached somehow whatever the hell that means she got the whole goddamn uniform on it she still got it how'd that friggin happen what are my chances and i'm sitting in first class and pair of tight red shorts and a denim vest with nothing on under it getting creepy you got uh yeah so you get that woman the hell is that story i had a whole article on it actually i can't find it oh here it is no that's the we'll get to that a minute in the say several high school hazing thing but then you had a yeah you had a chick for nbc knows right she comes back remember the guy got it over there she comes back and her whole group agrees to a quarantine. In other words, they can't go out anyway.

Then she's seen spotted like Friday night picking up food at a restaurant in New Jersey. You believe this shit? People are in a panic. people are in a panic, another person in Boston went into the hospital, and turns out he doesn't have it, but you know, they closed down like the whole hospital and stuff,

it's creepy, I don't know what to believe, well I know not to believe the government, Jesus Christ, of course they're going to tell you to relax, but some of these stories, last thing you want to do is get on a plane. Now that finally we finally had the balls to ban flights coming in from West Africa and to JFK.

We weren't doing that two weeks ago because, again, that would be racist, wouldn't it, folks? That would be racism. Wouldn't be fair if only West Africa had the Ebola advisory. You know, to be fair, we should allow them to spread it everywhere. That's the mentality of this administration. Fucking dickheads. By the way, MSNBC ratings in the toilet like never before. They're hitting record lows.

Ha ha! Ha ha! So, yeah, between ISIS and Ebola, it really makes you want to travel doesn't it um what the hell else nfl nfl football NFL football. I had six right out of 16, 15, six or seven.

I'm not even sure. I'm talking about the pool. I don't remember ever. I know it's impossible to pick these games because the league has so much parity. And it's basically luck. But I can't believe it. I'm just a friggin' loser. I'm glad I didn't play a blackjack at Foxwoods.

Folks, there's 78 people in the pool. I think you told us last week. Guess what? After the end of last week, I'm like, now's where I pull away. Now's where I get a 10 or 11 and move myself up. Guess what? I throw in a 6 or a 7, like in the bottom third. I am solidly in last place.

Not solidly as a guy, you know, maybe one ahead of me. But out of 78, I'm number 78. You know how embarrassing that is when I get 19 nieces and my mother and everybody else beating me? Holy Christ. I got a niece, Jenna. Jesus Christ, it's like she might as well be John Gotti. She knows the ups and downs and the ins and outs. I haven't hit double figures once. My little nephew Anthony is right at the top of the list.

It's getting embarrassing. I do this in lieu of real gambling. Artie Lang used to make fun of me because it's kind of gay, and it really is. But, you know. So the only way it can be unfun is if you friggin' last. Because these standings are posted to everybody. They're going to be going, didn't this asshole play football? Oh, my God. Because these standings are posted to everybody. They're going to be going, didn't this asshole play football?

Oh, my God. But, yeah. Again, I don't want to do too much sports because of the nature of these podcasts. They're not done live. And like I said, you guys listen to them whenever you want. And I don't want to be stressing, you know, talking about week six and you're listening to this three weeks later or a month later. I try to limit it

but it is what's going on and I got to ask you guys too. Eventually, I'm going to start maybe doing a few of these live, you know, very hard. Technical shit

and again, where I live doesn't make it easy, you know what I mean? Got to get an intern. Who's going to come all the way up here for nothing? But the NFL, huh? Like I said on stage, I wish somebody would come up with a cure for breast cancer so I don't have to look at my favorite nfl team dressed like a uh float the

haitian day parade pink clashes with everything doesn't it jesus christ and again there was a whole article somebody sent me i didn't i didn't print it out how and the whole gist of the article was that none of that money from selling those pink items goes to actual preventing of breast cancer that was the whole gist of the article excuse me apparently the um you know the nfl will cut a check to these groups these uh groups that you know fund breast cancer research they'll cut a flat check for like a million bucks and then i don't know where the money for these articles go, but it doesn't go to that, apparently. That was the gist of the article, which makes it even infuriating.

It's just, and I know it might seem silly to some people. Oh, really? Are you not that secure in your men, that a little bit of pink? It's not the point. You don't realize the times you're living in. I'll say it again. Fucking radical feminists have their claws into the media so far deep. That's why every guy is portrayed as a ball-less idiot and women are nothing but strong superheroes.

And watching an NFL game, you don't find that emasculating? It's not just the pink. And it's for a whole month. Like I said, they couldn't put a ribbon on the field, like a symbol, whatever. But you got your favorite team dressed in pink. And then you got the fucking Viagra commercials telling you you can't get it up, every other commercial.

And now you got the PSA commercials for domestic violence. That's just what I want. I'm with my buddies. I got a bunch of cold beers. We're eating chicken wings. I want to be scolded by Amy Poehler. Who's hit a wall by the way. And Debra Messing.

I was trying to find the clip. To play that PSA commercial. But Jesus. Between the pink and the Viagra. And this and that. Don't you see it? That Viagra commercial is actually mean. You know the one I'm talking about?

The new one. I know you do the hot blonde with the British accent. And it's like she's teasing guys who can't get it up. It's fucking mean-spirited. And it's on like every three seconds because that's the message. Women are strong and you guys are impotent. That is the fucking message. If you can't see how TV's been feminized to the point where

there's nothing, only thing you got for fellas is sports and news, then no, you got your head up your ass. I want to play the Viagra commercial. It's like sultry blonde with blue eyes and a British accent. And it's almost like

she's teasing. Listen. It's just you and your honey. Setting is perfect. But then erectile dysfunction happens again. Again? Was that again really necessary?

The previous commercials was then erectile dysfunction happens. now it's again that's unbelievable and just the fact that they have somebody this hot doing it's like fucking i don't know be like going you know doing a psa for somebody in a wheelchair and you get somebody i don't know dancing or some shit. Here we go. You know what? Plenty of guys have this issue, not just getting an erection, but keeping it. Well, Viagra helps guys with ED get and keep an erection. And you only take it.

Really? Maybe the guy can't keep the erection because the average person in this country is about 40 pounds overweight. Maybe she's got a gunt, a slight mustache. Maybe it's not his fault. I personally, I wear like a necklace made of Viagra. Look, I've been with the same woman for 20 years and I bite them off like candy. You know those candy necklaces? I eat them as we're having sex. Yes, I do. Remember, I'm 52.

Listen to more of this slimy limey. You need it. Good to know, right? If ED is stopping what you started, ask your doctor about Viagra. Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. How about that fucking line? Could that be any more emasculating? They're telling you guys to ask your doctor to find out before you can fuck your wife.

Hey, Dr. Goldberg, your Nick DiPaolo here. I got a little bit of a fever and the shit. Am I healthy enough to fuck my wife? Because I don't feel good. I don't want to throw up in her tits. How emasculating. Get permission from your doctor before you fuck. That's how weak you are. Could that be any more emasculating?

And I know people out there, some of these aren't. You don't even get the connection. Like, what's he talking about? But just think about it. Back to blonde woman. The British accent turns me off, by the way. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

Banged the girl with the British accent. Met in the islands years ago. She came over here and put on like 25 pounds. Maybe that's it. I don't know what it is. It doesn't, it doesn't, it exudes proper instead of hoary. You know what I mean? I like hoary. I'd rather like a Brooklyn or a Long Island. Like suck my ass. That type of accent. I don't want her sounding like Lady Di. She's too prim and proper. Then again, it might work the opposite.

It'd be kind of... Anyway. Do not take Viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain. It may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. Side effects include headache, flushing, upset stomach, and abnormal vision. To avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection. Abnormal vision. That might be good if you picked up a pig.

Alright? Picked up a three. Take a Viagra. Now you're fucking blurred. She looks like a seven. ...lasting more than four hours. Stop taking Viagra and call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease or loss in vision or hearing. I can't see! What?

If Viagra is right. I cut her off. She's making me sick. Ask your doctor if Viagra is right for you. Jesus Christ. I don't need to ask my doctor. But like I said, between that and the pink, and the PSA commercials, no more boys will be boys. No more.

She was asking for it. Like anybody's muttered those words in the last 20 years. Fucking stuck in a time whoop. Amy Poehler. Jesus Christ. Deborah Messing.

I guess they threw in a few ex-football players, too, you know. I don't know, but let's, again, we live in a world where the genders are supposedly exactly the same. There's no difference. So if that is the case, let's do a commercial that's, you know, let's do the opposite. Let's do a commercial that targets a woman's problem that might be kind of embarrassing and have like and we'll do it during a show that only women watch like the view have a commercial with like george clooney come on have him laying there in his bathrobe all looking sexy and shit You're with your hunk of a man, and he pulls down your panties, and it happens again. The smell of smoked mussels fill the room.

It smells like a can of smoked mussels somebody left in the back of a minivan in August. It smells like a can of smoked mussels somebody left in the back of a minivan in August. Again, he begins to vomit. You run out of the room embarrassed. That happens all the time. I'm just saying. It's almost like mean-spirited, and it's emasculating. Can we have something to ourselves? Get rid of theculating can we have something to ourselves get rid of the

and i've said a thousand get rid of the female reporters and except for maybe aaron andrews and get rid of you know i don't know just leave us alone can we have a sunday to ourselves don't you see it that way feminists is bullying their way in where they don't belong I don't see how you can't see that mama I don't wanna die you're with your best honey fuck you fuck you

fuck you I love those cialis commercials too right i hope i didn't do this on the last show excuse me the cialis commercials were a couple that's been together you know same woman you've been banging for 25 years and all the cialis commercials will be like wallpapering and their hands touch and next thing you know she's pissing on you from a sailing fan apparently that's how it works when you take cialis although like i said when i'm when i'm doing something with my wife like wallpapering and our hands touch she she looks at me and goes back off you're crowding before i forget i'm at uh left boston next weekend my hometown i'm a little excited because it's a club i haven't done yet it hasn't been open that long and uh it's at the western hotel next to the

hotel in boston, beautiful room, I heard. Let me get the dates for you, even though it's next weekend. Yeah, 16, 17, and 18. One show Thursday, one Friday, two Saturday. So come on out, will ya? Come on out and see the goddamn show. It's gonna be terrific.

Of course, the Pats and the jets are playing on that thursday night rex ryan geno smith and embarrassment oh my god we've been so lucky as patriots fans to have the jets in our division for the last thousand years geno smith hate to say it brother he's just a good athlete playing quarterback and you can't say that about a black quarterback or you'll be arrested but that's the truth brother. He's just a good athlete playing quarterback. And you can't say that about a black quarterback or you'll be arrested. But that's the truth of it. He's just a good athlete. And making bad mistakes. For Christ's sake, he missed a team meeting a couple weeks ago

because he couldn't figure out the time difference when they were in San Diego. Woo-hoo! How did I get on that? Yeah, so come see me up there at charpe fran at foxwoods this weekend there was a couple right in the front they go we're from danvers like an older couple right in the front mr and mrs egan the lady had my sister gina she she when my my little when my younger sister was a kid miss i guess Mrs. Egan was her teacher at one point, the lady told me, after the show, which is kind of embarrassing.

I'm up there doing eight minutes on, you know, lesbians and feminism and all kinds of hoes. But they were sitting right in the front cackling and everything. Why? Because they're from the Boston area and they have a nice, mean sense of humor. I don't know what it is, man. Can't offend them. At least to the older ones. The college age kids, they get offended at everything.

Jesus Christ. Throat polyps as the show's going on here. Let's stay on the football topic, but this is a bigger story that touches on, you know, society in general. Motherless wonder uh you guys hear about this say of ill high school in new jersey apparently they're like a perennial powerhouse every year but you must have heard about this huh

seven of the players or several i should know seven suspended amid abuse scandal at the high school apparently some of the older players were having the younger players lay down on their stomachs like with the lights out and then like sticking their fingers up their ass which is definitely hazing but of course what the story is doing it's conflating hazing with this isolated incident with bullying in general because this is definitely to me uh there's definitely a um effort in this country to you know eliminate football it just is between all this statistics and and being blown way out of, and I'm not defending this shit, I'll get to that in a few seconds,

but the whole concussion thing and how dangerous it is and maybe football should be eliminated completely. There's a whole, again, because it's the times we're living in. Fat soccer moms who vote Democrat are running the freaking world. They actually had a candlelight vigil

for this high school, for this incident. You'd think these kids were murdered. I just put it on the internet. They're walking around, a bunch of people with candles in their hands. Again, symbolism over substance. This is perversion. It's perverted shit. There's no doubt about it.

But don't try to conflate it with bullying, the general act of bullying, which is supposedly an epidemic at this point. I even question that. I think it's just kids are bigger pussies. Yeah, and these seven guys or whoever did this should be booted off the team. But they suspended the whole football season. How fair is that to the guys who weren't involved? So they suspended the rest of the season this season and they're talking about getting rid

of football forever so don't tell me there's not a proactive effort to destroy football why because it represents everything you know it has testosterone and competition shit that fucking soccer moms can't stand i'm looking at the superintendent richard labby, or Lab, L-A-B-B-E. And you can just tell he probably never picked up a baseball bat or a football in his life. Just probably somebody picked on him in fifth grade and he hasn't let it go. Ugh. But, I mean, you go online and look at it.

Like a candlelight vigil. Like it was a tragedy. You know? These kids will be fine, okay? They weren't in second grade and it wasn't a priest or a teacher. Matter of fact, what they should do is just wait a few years and then find out, you know, and then take revenge on their own. Yeah. Well, Nick, don't take a law into your own hands. Somebody stick their fingers

in my ass. I'm taking the law into my own hands. With hundreds gathered in JFK Park Perfect, across from the high school Sunday night for a rally to support the victims. I wonder if they have a fingers in the ass hotline. The episode remained embedded in mystery and anger.

The mother of a senior player not caught up in the allegation said she was hurting for her son who had lost his chance to wear the Sable uniform. Yeah, and I agree. He wasn't caught up in the mess, so why should he be punished? On Saturday, here's the more gruesome details. The mother of a sophomore player told the news that her son had suffered abuses similar to those detailed in an early report from the NJ.com that the older players inserted fingers into the rectums.

What the fuck is going on? Of a line of freshman players forced to lie face down on the floor of the locker room. According to the allegations. Then they place the fingers in the mouths of their victims. What the? This is prison. This is prison shit is what it is. This is what it is.

Okay, but again, I don't care. You don't wipe out the whole football program because of this. You can arrest these kids, do whatever you want. You don't wipe out the whole football program because of this. You can arrest these kids, do whatever you want, but don't punish everybody else. That's not bullying. It's worse than bullying. I mean, it's hazing. It's not bullying.

The prosecutor said it was pervasive and led me to believe that it's more than one year that this has been going on. I. Not sure about that, they said. But a candlelight vigil? How friggin' soft have we become? They had some audio of what was going on in the locker room. Apparently one of the kids, like, recorded it with an iPhone or something. Squeal! Squeal! Squeal! squeal. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you. That's all you had to say, and then they would have ran off. You got to stick up for yourself. so yes let's let's eliminate football let's let's start a bunch of rumors about how dangerous it is as far as concussions and it can kill you even though more people die again on skateboards every year let's let's let's phase out football because the same reason we're getting rid of fraternities because it's just too much testosterone. We can't have that. It has to be a gay slash feminized world for it to work.

Don't you know that, fellas? Arrest those kids. Do whatever, you know. Make them pay. But, I mean, just, just, I wanted to play this clip of this mother just giving this politically correct horseshit speech and walking around the track of a football field. They all get candles. And we love that, don't we? Every time there's an incident, people love to get on TV.

That's what I really believe. See those people with the candles at the park and shit? That's how media-driven we are. Anyways. And let me tell you, New Jersey football is high school football. It's awesome.

I'll tell you, when I was up at Maine, it seemed like eight out of the 11 starters on defense were from New Jersey. Just, it would be a shame, especially with this high school that's had like a great history.

Always been a powerhouse and stuff. I'm sure they'll come to their senses, all right? I'm sure they will. Don't make me laugh. Don't make me laugh. What else? Update of my horse. More of my wife's horse.

I mean, I bought it, but I told her she got a ligament problem and you know what they think it was and my wife figured this out with one of the grooms i think that's what they call them the guys that take care of the horse i don't even know but um she was in a stall and it was like uh when you walk into this all that the horse you know you had to step down into it there's a little a little step and our horse lolly is like kind of aggressive she's one of those take charge mayors or whatever alpha whatever diva and um like anytime anybody would approach her stable she'd like she likes to like sort of she'll kind of charge at you you know i mean there's bars in between like a jail cell so you're not going to hurt anybody but she they think she might have put her hoof caught her

hoof on that step and that's how she uh did some damage to a ligament again so she's uh my wife can't ride it for like three months she goes up to every day and has to ice her and the people at the stable have to ice her, you know, cause she had swelling and stuff, but she's already getting better, I guess. But it's like the NFL.

It's like, she's day to day. Um, but, uh, my poor wife can't catch a break this year, you know, between the tragedy and the family and,

uh, her horse feel bad for so bad, so bad that between the tragedy and the family and her horse. Feel bad for her. So bad, so bad that I was out on the lawn last night. She was sitting on my back, piggyback, and I was running around. She was pretending to ride me. It's a true story, everybody. So, uh, the moral of the story is, if you play football you don't stick fingers in some guy's ass on the team where the hell is this coming from god help us

you know what all you know what else uh today is other than uh columbus slash native american slash savages days um Columbus slash Native American slash Savage's Days October the 13th a year ago. Arguably the greatest day in sports history in the city of Boston. On October

13th of last year and these events happened within hours of each other, if you remember correctly. The Patriots were playing the Saints, and the Patriots had all kinds of injuries. And the Saints were like, you know, I think, Christ, they might have even been favored that game. But Brady gets the ball back on his own 30 with like a minute and 13 to go. And they're down by whatever. And this is what happens.

Like you don't know. Brady's in the gun. Colley and Tompkins left. Brady throws it to the end zone for Kenbrough. Tompkins leaping. He's got it. Push it around. He hits it. Kenbrough. Tompkins left Brady throws it to the end zone for Kenrell Tompkins leaping he's got it Kenrell Tompkins Brady's back that's your quarterback who left the building unicorns show ponies where's the beef

unicorns the guy says show ponies where's the beef I get thes. The guy says show ponies. Where's the beef? I get the unicorns and the show pony, but where's the beef? What am I missing there? Yeah. Do you remember that? Back in the day, Kimbrough Tompkins. I didn't even realize it was him.

Christ, he'd only played a few games at that point huh so uh yeah that happened in the afternoon right then that evening ladies and gentlemen the Sox right playing Detroit Tigers to see who's going to the World Series. They had lost the first game. Right? Game two, it's a must win because the Tigers have that scary pitching staff. And it's a must friggin' win. And Big Papi comes up with the bases loaded. And does what he does best again this was you know hours after the

Patriots victory which made it made it one of the greatest days in Boston sports bases loaded two out hard hit into right back at the wall Oh, sweet Jesus. Big puppy. The Grand Slam. What a year a difference makes, huh? What a year. Holy moly.

The Sox took it in the chin, but watch out're loading up i can't wait for i get more enjoyment now out of off-season baseball with the moves it's just as exciting you pick up the paper every day seeing what the yankees did what the socks did they brought up all they treated the second half of this season like it was uh spring training or you know auditioning rookies and um and they found some damn good ones and i can't wait to see we got to bring in a couple big names you know the yankees aren't going to sit pat after missing the playoffs twice but anyways what a day in boston history that was and by the way brady threw, looked like he was in his old form yesterday against the Bills. Four touchdown passes,

300 and, I don't know, 36 yards. 26 for 36, 360 yards or some crazy. The Gronk was back. And then we got that guy, tight end, was it? Forget his name. I say Wright, Tim Wright. I don't know, we got him for Logan Mankins.

So now he's got two tight ends to throw to. But anyways, that was a year ago already. That also scares the shit out of me. Can't believe that was a year ago. Y'all feel like time's just whipping by? Or is it just because I'm 52? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What else happened over the weekend? I didn't leave my room by the way i am i am the worst traveler i again but i don't gamble so when i'm in a casino i don't even i get depressed walking around seeing people in wife beaters on a saturday night wearing those long basketball shorts and basketball shoes that's how people go out out on a Saturday night at a fucking casino. I'd be embarrassed to be seen in a game dress like that. It really is disgusting. And it's so funny. I see people, I don't think the casino's just depressing.

I mean, I couldn't sleep on Saturday morning. I go down, I'm up at like 8.30. I couldn't, once again, the insomnia, you up at like 830 I couldn't once again the insomnia you know and again every time I tell people that have you tried warm milk and rubbing yogurt on your balls and wrapping yourself in an afghan and chamomile tea

never a macho there's no there's no solution warm milk no I haven't I've uh snorted ambien and jerked off twice and drank a bottle of wine, and I'm still a bit jittery, so I don't think an ounce of lactate is going to knock me on my ass. But I go downstairs, like, at 9 in the morning for breakfast. I'm walking through the casino, and there's people sitting there, like, you know, at a slot machine with a drink in their hand.

And I'm not talking, like, young people that are out partying in their partying their house i'm talking like it looks like somebody in their 60s i mean do you really feel that lucky you're it's nine in the morning you get a whiskey sour you get dirty sneakers on in a members only jacket do you really think you're a lucky person in life is that what it's like you know it seems like you've made a bad a bunch of bad. You're drinking at nine in the morning, pissing away your last $12. You're in your 60s. Fucking depresses the shit out of me. But God bless them. Something tell me those machines is rigged.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Holy moly. I watched SNL for the first time i i missed the i missed i think it was the first time i watched it this year and uh bill hader who i love by the way who i think is a funny cat and deserves to be famous and he hosted of course he's not on the cast anymore but uh ironically enough they had, they had the lowest ratings ever. And again, not because Hayter was hosting, but all these people left.

All the cast in the last year or so, you know, Kristen Wiig and Hayter himself and Fred Armisen and Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg. I mean, they all bolted. So they're trying. But this happens. People are so tough on this show. I got to be honest, even when it sucks, I like it because I know how hard it is to do stuff like this. And yeah, it does blow at times, but it's really hard.

They play it a little too safe. There's too many game show sketches and, you know what I mean, things like that. And then they have Obama, like, one of the worst presidents, if not the worst in history, arguably. And they're afraid to savage him because he's African-American. You know what I mean? They could be having a field day with this administration. You don't even have to focus on just the president. How about the 14-year-old girls he has in his cabinet?

I mean, there's so much there. But again, they lean. It's NBC. They don't lean that way. They could be... You got to do edgy crap. You know, when's the last time the show got in trouble for something controversial? You know? crap you know when's the last time the show got in in trouble for something controversial you know so but again and i watched it and bill hader was funny as hell with that stefan uh character the writing seemed pretty damn good and i like michael che is uh one of the weekend update guys he's a funny cat like that kid and and colin joss too um but people so tough on him but the ratings you know

i think it has to do with a lot of you know young people have fucking rather watch it on their computer or they watch it later when they want to but there's an article saying uh the ratings for the show started sliding last season and the slump continues this fall. Last night, SNL, which would be two nights ago, hosted by Hayden, averaged a 3.8 in metered market households and a 1.8 in adults 18 to 49. Oof. In the local people meters.

I don't even know what the fuck that is. That was down a 10th in each category from last week's show, hosted by Sarah Silverman. She had a 3.9 and a 1.9, respectively, in those categories. And that was a season low. And Hader topped it, I guess. The Hader-hosted show tied the May 10th telecast, hosted by Charlize Theron, as the lowest-rated SNL ever

in household and 18 to 49 ratings. Damn. Kristen Wiig, she's unbelievably funny, I'll tell you. And what's the fat girl from Mike and Molly? What's her name again? Who's just hilarious too. I don't say that much, you know. But Kirsten Wiig is just scary talented.

Doing her Kathy Lee Gifford shit. But like I said, they rely on too many of those sketches, those game show things. Do something edgy. Push the race envelope. Get in trouble i want to see sharpton picketing never gonna happen it's an nbc show never gonna happen sharp can be sure alon michael is doing stereotypes of black people and nobody's hanging about here.

So that's about it, kids. Heading off to Boston on Thursday. Got a bunch of shows in the city. Tonight, Tuesday. When? I got three tomorrow night in the city. The Cellar, The Stand, Gotham. Doing a lot more stand-up. And it's funny.

You can feel it. It's like a muscle. When you don't use it, that atrophies. But I've been doing a lot more stand-up. And it's funny. You can feel it. It's like a muscle when you don't use it that atrophies. But I've been doing a lot more this month than I usually do. And it's so funny. Your confidence comes back. You just take this. You can just feel it. It's very hard. I wish to

goddamn hell I was living right in the city two minutes from all the clubs. But back in the groove. Writing more new stuff. Got to keep it moving. Got to keep it moving. Got to keep new stuff moving.

Got to stay fresh. Watch the Ray Rice video again. His big mistake is when he dragged his wife out there by her ankles. Like he just caught a bluefin tuna on the fucking docks of Montauk. It's like, hey, Ray, that's your's your fiancee okay it's not a deer caucus you're gonna tie it on the roof of the escalade and head back to baltimore like i said i think if that railing was padded she might have been fine i've been studying like sapruda film like i said on stage and then what he what he should have done is put her in put her in the seats right next to the nickel slots, put a hat on her and sunglasses like Weekend at Bernie's. That's horrible.

There's nothing funny about that. Shut up, Deborah Messing, Amy Poehler and the rest of you. Not defending him. I think he should be in jail personally. I already said that. But I'm still going to have fun with it. That's it, ladies and gents. Thanks for those of you who came out to Foxwoods.

Thank you so much. Those of you who didn't come out to see me, you know. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! That's right. It's about Tannius. But, you know know I love you. Right? You know that. You know how I feel. Well, if you don't, this is how I feel about you.

I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. The guitar solo Bye.