The Nick DiPaolo Show - 054 - Midterm Mauling

Episode Date: November 5, 2014

Midterm Mauling

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo, how are ya? Flying solo, wasn't expecting to be flying solo, sitting here looking at an empty couch with a microphone and headphones set up. Joey Matariz, Joey Matariz. Joey Matariz. A little miscommunication. I sent him a text last night, 10 o'clock. Hey, want to do my show tomorrow?

Response, sure. Okay. Where's my phone? Hold on, I'll read the whole fucking thing. Tomorrow. Response. Sure. Okay. Where's my phone? Hold on. I'll read the whole fucking thing. A little cranky. I took an Ambien last night.

Slept well. Might as well have not slept at all with this attitude. Hold on. God fucking damn it, Mattarese. Anyways. Yeah. Oh, by the way, I've had no internet and no power at all. Thank God I have a generator.

I'll get to that in a second. Don't get me wrong. I love living up here and in the woods and whatnot, but sometimes when you live at the end of a private road, it's not a good thing when the power goes out, which happens every time we get wind over 35 miles an hour because all the trees in Westchester have osteoporosis, apparently. The fuck, when I was a kid, you could have a hurricane. You'd see maybe two branches in the street.

Now they're all decrepit. Hold on. I'm going to pull up this conversation. Oh, Matt Arese has my fucking blood in a boil. Only because I didn't feel like doing this alone. Here we go. Let's read the whole thing. Makes no sense.

Bono. This is me last night at 1020, whatever. I can't see. Down my glasses. Jesus Christ. Now he's still. Too late, Joe. Show's already started.

He's still texting me. I could do it at 6. If I wanted to fucking do it at 6 if I wanted to fucking do it at 6 I would have said that this is me at 10 20 I want to do my podcast tomorrow he responds at 9 34 a.m.

this morning sure so then I respond at 11 10 see you at 2 Joe and then at 1 10 this afternoon respond at 1110. See you at 2, Joe. And then at 110 this afternoon. Okay, my old, this is from Joe.

My old text got erased. Your address again. By the way, he's done, he's been here eight times, and I have to give him the address every time. You know, the last time he was here, he implied, he called himself stupid, and I sort of said, don't be so hard on yourself, but I'm starting to wonder now.

Okay, my old text got erased. Your address again? So this is, what, three or four texts now with, you know, no reason for me to believe that he's not going to be here for a 2 o'clock show today. I reply, this is after he asked for my address again. I said, there's a little thing called contacts, and I give him my address. Put it in there. And he replies, just put it in, LOL. A couple of hip fellas going back and forth.

Oh, God. Now, this is me. Where are you, dude? What the fuck? He replies, you said tomorrow. tomorrow i reply i said that yesterday which makes tomorrow today i mean the texts are labeled the goddamn dates right on them and i say are you shitting me question mark 19 exclamation points then he replies ah fuck I thought the text was today. I didn't see it until today. Sorry, man.

Now here's my thinking. And then I come, then I say, can you come now? And then he replies, you know, father knows best and Mr. Mom, I have to be here at 345 for Luke today. That's his son. Not from the Old Testament. I said yes to 2 p.m what what i thought was tomorrow because luke gets home at 4 45 on tuesdays can you wait till tomorrow i'm sorry man ah and you wonder why i don't have guests i'm telling you if i could have my if i could have

my own way i'd be living a goddamn i'd be living in a goddamn, I'd be living in a lighthouse in Maine by myself. I come out once a year to stock up on nuts and berries. So I reply to Joe after he says, can you wait till tomorrow? I reply, go shit in your hat. How about that strong language? I put LOL. Ugh. Another time, fella.

Then he just replied now, as I'm talking to you guys doing this show i could do 6 p.m today yeah let me base my show's scheduler on your goddamn kid luke's life how about letting somebody how about getting a social worker to pick luke up like you see in the city get some haitian woman i'll let him hitchhike home. He's like seven now. He's big enough. Tell him to stick that thumb out. What could happen in New Rochelle? By the way, that's Ray Riceville. That's where Joe lives.

I'm shutting this goddamn phone off before he texts me again. It's hard to get mad at Matt Arise. If that's anybody else, I'd hold it against him for a month but you know he's a good fella he's on the had him on the show many times and uh really questioning his iq at this point after this exchange mother of christ i mean when you send the text the date's right on it isn't it anyways folks yeah I took an Ambien last night. I told you, you know, again, we chronicle my sleep problems every week. And I've gone through almost a week again of, you know, waking up. I mean, like three hours on the nose.

It's creepy. I don't know what this is, why God's torturing me like this. Hey, let me check my, make sure this thing's recording. Test. One, two. Can you imagine that? That would suck, wouldn't it? Yeah, so I took an Ambien, which I've explained in the past I don't do because there's something in it that makes me a raging, crazed maniac for the next couple days after i take and it is i'm feeling that effect now i already snapped at the wife a couple times today

um so yeah i my nervous system feels like it was scrubbed with a steel brush after i take ambien and uh i'm not the only one. It's well documented. People do crazy shit while they're on Ambien. People have gotten in their car, you know, gone to the supermarket and slapped the security guard. So I have, but I slept, okay? I slept eight, a solid eight, eight and a half hours.

But here's the trade-off. I got that shit in my system now. It reminds me of when I used to do a little bit of blow back in the 80s, you know? And you know that feeling after you did blow all night and then you got that shaky, irritable, even like when you're coming down from it? You know what I'm talking about, Dad.

Knock, knock, knock. So yeah, that's how I feel today. And the Mattarese news didn't help my mood. So, anyways. Yeah. Go to bed on Saturday. Was it Saturday? Go to bed downstairs.

I tried a different bedroom. Pitch black. It's down on the ground floor level. This bedroom is great because it's about 12 degrees year round. And it's really dark down there when you pull the shades. It's like right off my driveway. And then I hear a beep at 530 in the morning. And that beep, I'm like, what the hell is that?

I sit up and don't hear anything. and then i hear it again a few seconds later and my generator kicks on and i can hear outside i mean it sounded like a hurricane had to be 50 mile an hour winds at least and my generator kicks on which means like i said up here in Westchester where the trees all have osteoporosis, usually means a tree fell over on a power line. And for some reason, when you live at the end of the road, private road, I don't know why, but we're the last ones to get service, obviously. So sure enough, the generator kicks on at 530 in the morning, and that's, thank God I got it. So sure enough, the generator kicks on at 5.30 in the morning,

and that's, thank God I got it. I think I've discussed on this show previously me getting that. The guys that sold me the house told me to get it because of the location. Anyways, that thing ran from 5.30 in the morning till midnight last night. It's the balls, though. It's a Kohler you know Jesus I should be getting every week I'm plugging something on the show wow where are these fucking appetizers I'm talking to 70 80,000 no I'm not um anyway so the thing ran for uh yeah what's that 12 I don't know 20 hours straight it's amazing though when it kicks on your power

it's immediate the minute the power goes out this thing kicks in and and then i have power um throughout the house it's like a transfer box that they put in and you decide what things you want to run in what rooms so um, you know, thank God for that. Still had the NFL yesterday and the fridge and all the things. But the Internet, the Internet also went down. Just at my house, we just found this out today. My wife's been on the phone with Verizon all day. And by the way, could you hire a few more angry minorities at verizon and tech support could you could you do that verizon you can just feel with every inch of their fiber them not wanting to help you yeah it doesn't mean anything can i

help you i don't let me check that out you have yeah okay no it doesn't show nothing yeah okay yeah yeah you have a good day now oh i can feel the love and the fucking support anyways i told you how to a couple years ago verizon came out same thing the internet was done and this um puerto rican kid came out and i went out to the truck after a couple hours just to ask what's going on. And he acted like I was blaming him, which I wasn't. I was just asking what was going on. And he starts to get all loud. So I started to get loud.

And while he's talking, he spits on my lawn. I mean, you know, he had tattoos on his neck. So you could see why they'd hire him immediately, right? Because he's got great people skills. Anyway, so this time the internet goes out because we have fiber optics blah blah blah it comes through the same it comes through the same phone lines until it gets down to a certain part of my road and then we had to bury it underground and it goes to a box blah blah blah i don't know why and i don't give a fuck i liked it back in 1986 with a rotary

phone um anyways so the internet is still out it's my house and our neighbor uh tina who lives right up the street apparently that surge that power surge when the trees fell on the wires did something to the boxes or the box at the top of my whatever that affects my house and my neighbor tina's house and uh but we we made him aware of this yesterday and you know you think they could get somebody out here because everybody they said no everybody else in the area has service well good that means you have a lot of time on your hand and the people that are assigned to this area can come out and fix it now right now? No, between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Okay, beautiful. Send the kid from the Crips again, could you?

You titless bastard. Ah. Fucking, I'm telling you, I would have been happy if I was born in 1876, honest to God, between the fucking argument over cell phones and all this horse shit. Joe Mattarese not being able to read text. Hey, is it any coincidence that Mayor de Blasio,

you know, the Marxist that runs New York City, any coincidence that he married a woman who looks just like a young, skinny Al Sharpton? I know Sharpton was fat when he was young, but I was looking at the Post yesterday. She looks just like Sharpton now. And of course, you know, he loves Sharpton more fat when he was young, but I was looking at the post yesterday. She looks just like Sharpton now. And of course, you know, he loves Sharpton more than anything. So he is really fucked up.

I would love for a shrink to analyze comrade de Blasio and see just how deep that white guilt runs. And he's a confused. He's a one-termer. Even the people on the left don't like this dickhead. Yeah, let's stop. Let's put a stop to stopping for us and let's stop that program where cops go on the cover at moss because that wouldn't be prudent right now would it oh what a dick what a cheese dick speaking of politics oh my god i forgot to tell you before I get onto politics about, yeah, so I took the Ambien. But I've been taking this other stuff.

And, again, another product plug, but with no sponsor. I was trying to remember it last episode. Zen Life. Zen Life Supplements. It's called Zen Night. And it's all natural. So you can't really OD on this. And I've been using this stuff, and you know what?

You don't really feel, you don't get that hangover, that shitty feeling the next morning. But it gives me crazy dreams. Let me see what's in this stuff. GABA, which is short for gamma aminobitric acid uh valerian root passion flower chamomile i'm doing a bit right now every time i tell people that i have insomnia they always have you tried chamomile tea and have you have you tried all these effeminate cures you know it's like no i have insomnia not my freaking period have have you tried warm milk have you have you tried all these effeminate cures you know it's like no i have

insomnia not my freaking period have have you tried warm milk have you rubbed some yoo-hoo heat up some yoo-hoo and rub that on your nuts it works for my aunt helen it's all this stuff nobody goes hey have you uh snorted uh valium shot an ounce of heroin into your cock and then jerked off twice that might do it it's got melatonin in it but this stuff's all natural it says to take one with a meal i take three i took three before i went to bed the other night and i have these crazy dreams and it knocked me out for about four hours but i wasn't crazy the next day like i am on ambient but i have these dreams i've been taking this stuff for a while and uh i still remember

how about this dream you remember the twins on the nick and artie show right marie and liz this is this is how crazy this shit was making my dreams i had a dream i was at uh a ball game me and i don't know who i was with somebody from the show the old nick and arty show and we were going and and and marie who was one of the twins she was playing for the yankees and she hit two home runs okay and this is a natural supplement i really have to start trying mushrooms and shit like that it's gonna be fun because this little skinny bra was hitting him into the monument park and we were in the stands high-fiving like we were biggest fans holy christ what a dream and then i had another uh another dream um a couple nights before that that i was in a canoe up here in Westchester.

And I got lost at night in the canoe. And ended up, I'm like, and I'm only a couple miles from my house. And I end up hunting squirrels because I was starving. Very bizarre. But it's called Zen Life life supplements. Um, and, uh, you do feel a little weird, but my memory shot today after I took ambient and wipes my fricking memory out.

Again, I should be getting plugs for this anyways. What the hell else? Oh, I pulled this out of the paper a couple of days ago. I'm ordering one of these. I'm really losing my fucking mind, Joe Namath, let me know on Twitter if anybody's ordered this, I like a good steak, don't you folks, again, another product, uh that i'm not getting paid for but i saw this in the paper

i i love i love a good steak like a steakhouse steak and he's got this thing out he won product of the year at the national hardware show with his rapid cooker that cooking uh cooking time uh cuts in half but um it's called a rapid cooker have you ever wondered why food tastes much better at restaurants uh than on your own grill yeah my wife's not in the kitchen at bobby flay's how about that joe uh well namer says it's because commercial broil is cooked between 1200 and 1400 degrees fahrenheit which gives the food that restaurant quality char and Well, Namath says, it's because commercial broilers cook between 1,200 and 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit, which gives the food that restaurant-quality char and sear. Yeah, that's what melts the roof of your mouth as you're talking like you had a stroke. The Namath Rapid Cooker cooks at 1,400 degrees,

accomplishing that same restaurant-like sear and caramelization. The Namath Rapid Cooker, 1,400 degrees, is more than two times as hot as your average grill, which only gets up to about 600 degrees. Not only does this make the quality of your food inferior, but it will take nearly twice as long to actually cook the food. Well, what's the hurry, Joe? Then again, he's in his late 70s.

actually cook the food well what's the hurry joe then again he's in his late 70s um it also slashes time that it takes before you can start cooking it only takes three to five minutes uh to heat up average grill is 10 to 20 minutes not if you put three cans of uh kingsford on that sucker and a little bit of sunoco s2000 i heat that fucker up in three minutes um it cooks from the top down, like the restaurant steakhouses do. Anyways, I love a good steak. You know what I mean? Like a restaurant-quality steak.

I'm going to order this fucker just to irritate the wife. I'm looking at the picture of it, and, uh... Oh, it only weighs 1,100 pounds, and they're going to bring it here in an 18-wheeler. No. It's 38 pounds.

It looks about the size of a, I don't know, picture a beer cooler, even smaller than that. And it's got some type of tank on the side, something that if it blew up, I could probably, you know, sue Joe. It's normally $397 plus $37 for shipping and handling. If I order now, I get free shipping over the next 10 days. What do you think? I love a good steak. I'm sick of hearing about how it stays in your colon for 12 years.

Good, I can savor it. Yum, yum. But what's better than a steak, like Morton Steakhouse or whatever? Peter Luger's, which I haven't been to yet. But yeah, I mean, just a good quality steak. Del Frisco's here in Manhattan. God damn, is there anything better?

Peach is my favorite fruit, but steak, right on its heels. So I'm going to order that fucker. Because I'm doing good. Like I said, I'm still selling weed to school children. And I think I can cover the cost. Sure. because i'm doing good like i said i'm still selling weed to school children and um i think i can cover the cost sure uh here we are on november uh third is it i think it is because tomorrow's a big election day kids good thing matter east didn't show up because he doesn't know you know he doesn't know president obama from fucking roger goodell um that would have

been a bad he would have been a bad, he would have been a bad guess. Ooh, I'm getting a little lightheaded from that, ooh, that Zen supplement. It's got me a little dizzy right now. Anyways. Yeah, big day tomorrow. And again, you guys, you know, I lean,

supposedly lean right in my politics. I just think everything is so far left it makes me look right. And I'm in a business that's really liberal and it's beliefs and shit but um tomorrow and go out there and vote democrats are going to get massacred thank christ rejection of everything obama stands for i hope jackass every you watch every and thank god these commercials are coming to an end huh are you getting tired of this shit bill thomas used to rape babies and and he's for high taxes can't take any more of this shit but every uh i notice every democratic candidate's the same like mary landrieu down in Louisiana.

The self is a little racist and it's a little sexist. Can you imagine she's saying that? She's been in power for ever now. She says it's sexist and racist. We have a black president. She's a woman. See, that fucking shit, that well is run dry. You got to come up with something else because even people who vote Democrat are sick of that shit. I'm telling you,

even young kids are breaking for Republicans. That's kind of creepy, huh? Yeah. So it should be, everybody's predicting kind of a GOP massacre and I hope they're right. Not that I'm a big fan of the Republican Party either. You know, they're too far left in my opinion.

But you got some, you got some dudes, I guess they need like six Republicans need six, pick up six seats in the Senate and they'll have control of the Senate. And a lot of experts like a Nate Silver say they might pick up more than 10. It's going to be a real bitch slapping i hope although already we have uh oh already i'm watching tv and they have evidence of uh of like illegals voting in maryland illegal aliens voting by the thousands already you're not supposed to vote if you're not a citizen those fucking dirty dems unbelievable i'll do anything do anything. But even with that, even with that notwithstanding, the GOP should kick some serious ass.

But they really are on both sides. These politicians really are dog shit. They're just so phony. SNL did a kind of funny sketch. It was like an all-black talk show talking about politics, and they were talking about how bad Obama was, and then one of the black guests goes, so can we all agree we should have voted for Romney? And there's a dead silence, and they all start cracking up,

which is true because, let's be honest, black people aren't going to vote for a white guy ever. You know what I mean. If it's down to a black guy and a white guy, I'm just saying. But some of these, like this in Kentucky, look at Mitch McConnell. This guy, he literally has no chin. And he's been in office forever. He's a Republican and I can't stand him. He looks like a rooster with glasses.

He's done nothing to stop this fucking liberal Obama train. He's just part of the problem. But the broadies running against Alison Lundergan Grimes. Alison Grimes. She wouldn't even admit. They asked her if she voted for Obama. She couldn't even say either way. Can you imagine that's what we have running the country on either side?

Not being able to answer a question, a yes-no question like that, being that ashamed to, that's just, ugh. You really thought that's going to help you, Ms. Grimes? Then you get, what do you name get Jean Shaheen up in New Hampshire. She's a couple points ahead of Scott Brown. He's a guy that was a Massachusetts senator. He has a summer home. He was replaced by Warren in a special election in Massachusetts,

so he went up to New Hampshire where he has a summer home, and he's running there. And if he wins, he'll be the first senator in 136 years to have won Senate seats in two different states.

Go get him, Scotty! But again, they're not even, I want some real right-wing radicals. That's what I want. You know what I mean? Look at these fucks.

Oh, my God. Mark Udall. How about that bitch from Colorado, Mark Udall? His whole campaign was the war against women, and even women said, shut up. We're not victims, you chooch. Okay? He's the incumbent, and he's getting beat by Cory Gardner,

whoever the hell that is but they but mark udall used the whole war on woman so much that they labeled the mark uterus the media what a turd war on woman what a crock of shit yeah war on woman is a, oh my goodness, that just makes me laugh. Arkansas, Mark Pryor is getting smoked by a guy named Tom Cotton. National Democratic groups poured millions into the state to help Pryor, and he's still getting beat. Yeah, you guys are in for a real walloping, Dems. But make no mistake, I'm not a fan of the Republican Party either.

They're just bland. But I mean, I have to choose between the two. You know, if you vote Democrat, you're for big government, and you're for political correctness, and all that shit. You're for, you know, censorship and everybody's a racist and everybody's a sexist. That's identity politics. And that comes from the Dems, okay?

Not the Republicans. Even Latinos, I heard. I was watching the news today of jumping off Obama's ship, which is great news for Republicans. But they really do need a romp, like the paper says. We need a goddamn romp.

Yeah. Hold on there. Little Dreamer. Yeah. Yeah. It's in my head. I can't get it out. What the hell else?

Power Riders. Oh, the marathon. The marathon in New York. Ooh, drippage. Was won by, guess what? Sit tight, drum roll, please. A couple of Kenyans, both on the male and female side. A couple of Kenyans won it. What is it with the Kenyans, both on the male and female side. Couple of Kenyans won it.

What is it with the Kenyans, man? They have the lung capacity of blue whales. What is it with those skinny little pricks that run like the wind? I was hoping it would be, I was hoping it was going to be somebody from like Sierra Leone or Togo or, you know, Senegal that won. Because then I wanted to see, you know, they come through the finish line and nobody hugs them, you know, Senegal, that one. Because then I wanted to see, you know, they come through the finish line and nobody hugs them, you know. Instead of wrapping them in that tinfoil shit that would have just,

you know, run them right into the back of an ambulance with all that sweat all over them. That chick in Maine, huh? She's kind of hot, though, that nurse. But what a little selfish bitch, huh? Am I right to being violated? Nyah, nyah, that nurse. But what a little selfish bitch, huh? Am I right to be inviolated? Shut up. Shut up.

A couple people have come back. That other doctor, Spencer, he didn't have any symptoms either. And they went out bowling and, you know, putting his hand into a dish of peanuts at the bar. You know? He didn't know either. And then the symptoms came up later. So just you know yeah you had it tough you had to sit in a tent and i understand that was a little uncomfortable she's a real renegade isn't she this is what modern feminine feminism has

wrought us this bum she's she's cute though that redhead you're real plug. She's riding around. You see her riding around, spitting at the press. Just stay in the house for another couple weeks. You couldn't stay in the house really. I was asking too much, but she's famous now, okay? She's a strong, independent woman. I would love to see half of Maine come down with Ebola. Not because I hate Maine. I'm just saying just to make her look like an idiot.

Wouldn't that be funny? People, yeah, I just took a bloody shit. I'm going to call that nurse. how you doing good need a ride to the hospital can't get there from hat where is that bitch hitchcock yeah i mean come on i i thought about that one but really it would have killed her to stay in for, you know, 10 days or whatever. Violating my civil rights. Nation of whining. Pretty cute, though, no? No, for nothing, Tia.

Stick it in her. Excuse me? Yeah, so the marathon went off without a hitch. And Chris Rock hosted SNL and brought up the marathon in his monologue at the beginning i don't know i guess there was some controversy because uh i got a call from like somebody at fox news fox and friends or whatever i got it i got the message too late but they wanted me to do fox and friends this morning at like, you know, 620. To debate whether Chris Rock, what he said in the monologue,

you know, he's poking fun at, he brought up the Boston Marathon because, you know, he's like, hey, the New York Marathon, what could happen? And the only thing he did wrong was he approached it a little awkwardly, the subject matter, by, he was describing like the Boston Marathon, one of the most worst, terrible attacks ever. And it's not like he was almost mocking, you know what I mean? Because it wasn't compared to 9-11, obviously. But, you know, and so they wanted me to go in there, I guess, and comment on whether he went over this line. I always get the call when it's either a subject

about race. I got a call from a Megyn Kelly show before she had her own show. Not the show she has now, the show she had in the afternoon after the Philadelphia Eagles. Remember the guy? Who was it? Riley. I forget his first name. Cooper Riley. Riley Cooper. Remember he used the N word. And I remember getting a call. That one I would have done because I had a definite opinion on it. And, you know, I haven't seen Megyn Kelly live in a long time. She's smoking hot, let's be honest.

But I was on my way to Philly to do helium. I was in a car. I was about to get into a car to go to Philly, so I didn't do that one. But I have been on Fox and Friends before when David Letterman made fun of Sarah Palin. Remember saying he did a joke about Alex Rodriguez banging Sarah Palin's daughter or something? And they called me in for that. But I can't. Here's the problem. I'm a comedian especially right now

with my with this sleeping problem the last thing i need to be leaving my house at five o'clock in the morning and like i'm gonna be sharp enough to debate somebody or whatever you know i mean and i probably wouldn't have you know they think i don't know they call me because they think again well you know i guess out of all the comedians, I do lean a little right. But when I did that last thing, when they called me in to comment on the Sarah Palin-Letterman thing a few years ago, I, you know, they do a pre-interview on the phone, and I had agreed. I thought Letterman was a little off base. It wasn't easy.

and I had agreed. I thought Letterman was a little off base. It wasn't easy. But then I changed my mind, thinking about, you know, how Sarah Palin and women are so independent and strong and wanted to be treated as so. And I changed my mind on the way in there.

So when I got on the panel, they looked a little shocked and Gretchen Carlson was appalled when I came off. Somebody introduced me to her. I put my hand out. She walked right by me. Anyways, so, but I got the message too late for Fox and Friends.

But I don't know that I would have done it anyways because it always comes down. Even in the message they left, they want to know if he went too far. And I've said this a million times. I'm not the type of guy. if he went too far and i've said this a million times i'm not the type of there there is not too far they always they always go is there a line there and my answer to that there is no line well nick why do you say that because your line might be a foot away mine's 50 feet away in other words what you know what my sister or my mom finds offensive um is not the same as what i find offensive my line is a thousand miles

the beer i don't even think there is a line to be honest with you i find it you know when people always you do you do a bit about somebody who just died and people go too soon or a tragic event like not too to me the only time it's funny is when you do it really soon. You know what I mean? I think it was Tony V or one of these Boston comics said, what, when we do it a year from now, are the people less dead then or more dead? I can't remember how he worded it, but, um, yeah, just, just the thought though, you know, I'm going to set my alarm for 5 a.m meanwhile i go to bed at 1 1 30 and the only reason i slept last night was the freaking ambient like i said

that shit i'll tell you it does knock your ass out but i feel weird today i feel weird i have to listen to all my old sets before i go into the city to like refresh myself. That's the other thing about being a comic and getting up there. I used to, it would take a while when you wrote new stuff and you want to replace your old stuff, you know, with the new stuff. It would take a while, but now it doesn't take as long because I can't even remember some of the new shit. And then you throw this sleep problem on top of it. Yeah.

So, sorry, Fox and Friends. But I appreciate you thinking of me. Sure, it'll help my standing in Hollywood. Not that they even know i exist in hollywood um i didn't see the mccarthy's that's a new sitcom on cbs and uh the only reason i'm interested is well a couple reasons it's based on the set you know the setting is boston a family in and i don't know one of the characters is a coach, a basketball coach, but there's a kid who I do like as a comic, a guy named Jimmy Dunn,

who is from Beverly, Massachusetts, knows all my relatives. All my relatives are from Beverly, Mass, the town next to where I grew up. And Jimmy Dunn, that's where he grew up. He knows my cousin Al, and he's a funny guy he did he's a hard-working kid did a lot of stuff for new england sports network wrote a lot of stuff for them always busy and um when i would come home every once in a while i did the schubert theater last year he opened for me and just crushed it i mean crushed it with funny a lot of it was local but the stuff that wasn't the the relationship stuff was smartly written.

He's done Letterman a couple times. And he's on the show, so I'm pulling for him. Again, sitcom-wise, it just, you know. Of course, one of the main characters in that sitcom is a gay guy. And it's typical, typical, you know um you know network just they can't get out of their own way they can't leave it alone for a fucking second you know but i'm pulling pulling for the show because i like this kid and would like to see him he deserves it you know score some bucks that's Jimmy D.

Anybody see this show? I don't know how it was. I have no idea. Didn't check the ratings. I was too busy ordering the Joe Namath grill. And then I'm going to get the Lenny Dawson potato peeler. And the Joe Ferguson. You know what? Crockpot.

Yeah. Well, let's see. What else we got on the lineup here? Before I forget, let me plug myself this weekend. Let me plug myself. If I had a nickel every time I've heard that. Where am I? Friday and Saturday night.

This Friday and Saturday night. I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. It's a good club. Our old buddy Vinnie Brand runs it. He's the owner and he does comedy himself. And I'm there Friday and Saturday night, folks. That's basically on the campus of Rutgers. Rutgers, you know, the school that has gotten the shit kicked out of it

the last two weeks because it's actually played some real teams and who was it this last weekend Wisconsin I think 38 nothing something like that they're learning the hard way about the Big Ten whatever it is now

I don't even know but yeah if you're in the area and then next weekend learning the hard way about the Big Ten, whatever it is now. I don't even know. But, yeah, if you're in the area. And then next weekend, let me get my book open here. I know it's, you know what, the brokerage. I just want to get the dates right for you. The brokerage on the 14th and 15th, not this weekend, but the weekend after, that's in Belmore, Long Island, with my buddy James, the Italian guy who dresses with the pinky ring.

He's got this suit on, and I just love this guy. When you pull up, he's standing out front. You feel like it's the Copa or whatever in the raging bull in the 50s whatever 40s you know he's the one of the famous quote when his son said dad there's a bird's nest in the awning get the bleach so yeah this weekend november 7th and 8th the stress factory new brunswick uh new jersey 14th and 15th the brokerage and then uncle vinnie's in point pleasant on the 22nd. Great place.

I'm right in the middle of working out a whole bunch of new stuff. Yes, sir. So come on out, will you? Been hitting sellouts here and there. I'm starting to wonder if it's either the it's either the um podcast or my new cologne it's called canoe uncle junior used to wear you know what else happened today kids other than me having crazy dreams um the world trade center that you know the building they put up, the Freedom Tower, whatever.

That opened up today. So Chris Rock brought that up in the whole monologue, too, about how, you know, that he won't step foot in it and stuff. And, you know, there is some truth to that. People, it's only about, I read in the article, it's only about 60% full as far as getting companies in there. So they're a little nervous, apparently. Can you blame them? What the fuck? Where is that story?

Really unprepared. I thought, you know, I thought Matt Arisa was going to show up and I was going to put it. I'm going to lay it all on him this show. But, yeah, that that opened and it's the tallest building in the I don't know. And the tri-state area. No, it's the tallest skyscraper in the West. So they say. tallest skyscraper in the West.

So they say. And yeah, so I still think, in my opinion, we should have put two up, the exact same ones that got knocked down. We should have put them right up, only taller, two of them. Just to say fuck you to those cockroaches, those subhuman douches, terrorists, pricks, filthy fucks, subhuman cocksuckers. So that happened today.

I get a good eye on it and see that museum, by the way. I feel like a real... I haven't even seen that museum. It looks awesome. The 9-11 uh museum and the memorial and all that stuff i just i know i know colin quinn lives down in that neighborhood somewhere and he says this you know there's like lines i think to get in or whatever i was waiting for it to die down but it's been open a while no more excuses it looks tremendous i want to go down there and see that.

Yeah. The hell else did I have on the menu? Friday night, I'm watching the tube, and all of a sudden, the speakers start making these, you know, tinny, it sounded like it was coming out of a 12-inch black and white Motorola from 1966, my TV, and it had done that before. And in the spirit of full disclosure, it was one of those old-fashioned TVs,

you know, the thick back ones that weigh about 220 pounds and has picture tubes. But it had a flat screen in the front, which was funny. And it was probably 10 years old. But the speaker started to sound like shit. And it's the second time that's happened in, I don't know, about 18 months. So I just looked at the wife and said, let's go. You don't have to ask her twice to spend money. Let's go get a new one.

Let's get a freaking flat screen. So we went up to, what do you call it, BJ's. Ever go into BJ's? It's fun. You're in there with people, a lot of illegals shopping and people from third world countries. They have webbed feet and seaweed still in their hair and they're picking through the cookies. And, you know, they have their whole family in those giant carts. They're pushing them around.

And a lot of white hillbillies, too. A lot of fat ass people with gray teeth and fucking ball patches and limps. It's like the casino crowds you get, you know? Same type of people on a Friday night. I had done my seven or eight sets during the week, so I felt I, you know, spent a little time with the way so we go up there we shoot right up the highway the bjs on a friday night it's just hilarious just to see people and shit and um yeah got a nice vizio because i have one already downstairs here in my studio, which is about a 42-inch.

And, boy, things are a lot cheaper than when they first came out, huh? Remember? I think I paid $12,000 for my first flat screen. So, yeah, I got a nice 48-inch Vizio. And I'm like, I'm going to watch Halloween on it. I actually like that movie, you know, because I was 16 when I saw it in 1978. Jamie Lee Curtis had the tits of an angel. And God, I permanently bent my cock to that when I was 16.

And I wanted to see if the movie held up in her tits. And no to both. So we got the first so we got the tv and then we ran around looking you know we thought we just would find uh the movie halloween you know you find the dvd in one of those stores up there or anywhere nowhere to be found nowhere and we're like what why is that there's hello they had rob they had rob zombies uh version of halloween you Halloween from a few years ago. They had Halloween 2 through 6. We're like, why is there no original Halloween?

I want to see these tits, and I want to see them now. And my wife hadn't even seen the original Halloween. Imagine, what a snob. So we couldn't find it so um i put on this old hockey mask and and i hit my wife over the head with a uh a nerf axe for 10 minutes anyways we couldn't find it anywhere and we're like what the fuck is going on maybe jamie lee curtis or her agents in a fight with the people who produced it and whatever the hell couldn't find it anywhere couldn't find it like on netflix or any of

those services and you know it's 2014 and i'm like it's halloween really am i i wasn't asking to see an exotic you know i'm not looking for the i'm not looking for a birth of a nation or some you know whatever it's halloween for christ's sake. It's a John Carpenter movie. And so then my wife picks up the paper, I think it was the next day, whatever, and figures out that Halloween was playing in all the theaters around here, probably nationwide, I'm guessing, you know, on Halloween night,

like Saturday night. It was in the actual theaters. And it didn't, it's not as scary. We finally, I don't know, my wife pulled up a copy online, some guy put up on YouTube or some shit,

which is always good. You know, the sound's dying down every three seconds. But all the parts where you would shit your pants in the original Halloween, you know,

when you see it in a movie theater you know the loud noises and the shit skin that doesn't that doesn't translate even on a beautiful 48 inch vizio my wife's looking at me like you find this fucking scary and I said how dare you I wanted to get like uh I wanted to get uh you know last house on the left texas chainsaw massacre those gory ones but my wife can't watch that stuff i don't understand she can kick the bathroom door and while i'm taking a dump and brush her teeth but she can't watch somebody get a hatchet in the fucking boy head it's too gory and believable to her she really does have a problem with like violence and stuff even in a movie silence of the lambs

she hasn't seen it won't watch it it's too creepy for her but uh that's why i said well this halloween movie's not that it's really not that bad but it's uh it's so funny the acting does not hold up that dialogue between like jamie lee curtis and those other chicks. Oh my God. That was the scariest part. The acting chops of some of the actresses. Jamie Lee was good, but the other chicks mink you. P.U. So we watched that Saturday night at like one in the morning. And after I watched Rock on SNL, Chris.

And after I watched Rock on SNL, Chris. And Prince, who I still adore, man. I like hard, crackling electric guitar. And Prince can play the shit out of that guitar. Him and his chicks. I don't know who they are. He always has a female band, and they're really good. And I remember the first time I saw him was Don Kirshner's rock concert.

I came home drunk in high school. Shitface on a Friday night. I don't know if people my age remember that show. It would come on at like midnight. This is Don Kirshner's rock concert. And I'm looking at Prince going, who is this little puss? With the, he had like a purple suit on. I'm going to look at this thing with the eye makeup.

I think he was doing, he was doing Little Red Corvette. And I was like, holy shit, I like that song. Who is this guy? Who is this little midget? Can play the shit out of the guitar. But he did like an eight minute set on SNL and i liked it crackling crisp guitar let's get back to it you don't see that anymore i watch these bands whether it's letterman on jimmy fallon and i'm always waiting for that look i'm not i'm a hack when it comes to music obviously but i need a crisp guitar solo show me you got some nuts i don't need a four minute

fucking keyboard solo um so i thought the show was all right it was all right rock was all right he's gonna move you out um i text him like i'm sure he hasn't changed his number in a year and um never heard back can you imagine the balls on that guy I text him like I'm sure he hasn't changed his number in a year. And never heard back. Can you imagine the balls on that guy? Well, let's wrap it up with sports talk. Shall we? This is Matt Arise. Yeah, prick you. shall we this matter is yeah um nfl hey kids oh once again nick

topalo in the football pool i have a grand total of six right going into tonight i believe i took uh the colts tonight i think laying three and a half to the Giants. But how embarrassing. And the one o'clock games, I had like five right. I'm going to go, I'm like, this is going to be decent. I'm going to have a decent weekend here.

And again, you all know that I'm literally 79th out of 79 people. And that's all I'm asking. I want to get out of the bottom rung. And after the one o'clock games, I got like 5 right. And I'm like, hey, all right. Now we're talking. And what happens? I shit the bed on the late games.

Okay, anybody else believe St. Louis was going to go into San Francisco and win outright? Well, apparently a girl named Tricia thought so. And another girl named Sharon. apparently a girl named Trisha thought so, and another girl named Sharon, and another girl named Pamela. I already used to bust my balls about these pools, and it really is funny who fucking was winning these things. But anyways, so I was wrong there because I took the 49ers.

I don't even care what the spread was, okay? I thought they were going to maul the Rams. They lose outright. Harbaugh's in trouble there's something wrong with that team i don't know if it's a lot if the players don't like them i don't know then you got the raiders right going up to seattle the oh and seven raiders okay um i took seattle laying 14 and a half i you know i was just thinking okay the seattle again they're not as dominant as they were but

they are the defending Super Bowl champs they're starting to get their shit back together they won last weekend it's the 0 and 7 Raiders up in Seattle okay I'll gladly lay the 14 I thought it was going to be a beat down and uh I should have listened to uh Marie and to Linda and to Karen because they all um okay so I got those two wrong what were the other late games what other ones did I blow oh I don't know who the hell

else was in the late games but I mean how about why would the charges why would the charges suffer their worst defeat in team's history yesterday against the Dolphins? The mighty Dolphins. Yeah, they're a little better this year, but give me an effing break. Really? The freaking Dolphins?

What's the other fucking late games? Do I have them laying around here? I wrote them down on something. Oh, I did. I wrote them down on the back of my date book. See how organized I am? I bet you my brother's at the top. I think he might have kicked some ass.

Yeah. Oh, the Pats in Denver. Now, that's the only one that I deserve to get smacked in the face. I went with Denver. The Pats were getting three and a half, and I know it sounds in hindsight, what are you, an asshole? How could you go against Brady? Why?

Just because I thought Peyton Manning was due. You know? I just thought Peyton Manning was due to have a good game in Foxborough. And they showed the field a couple hours before the game, and it had like an inch of snow on it up in New England. They showed them. And then, of course, at game time, it looks like it's 80 degrees in June. The field is clean and whatever.

So I'm thinking it's going to be a shootout. But, boy, did a lot of people throw dirt on the patriots and tom brady about a month ago or five weeks ago didn't they huh remember they were right right in his obituary and yeah he's on the downside and shit that's all you gotta do to tom brady remember folks he plays with a chip on his shoulder he's still pissed about when he was drafted late and uh all you gotta do is say you know you finished just piss him off a little bit the guy has thrown since then since they get blown out on monday night against kc when everybody said it's over the dynasty is over and all that horse shit he's thrown 18 touchdowns and one interception

and has won what six in a row you gotta admit belichick and Brady, the NFL's never seen anything like it. Never. Put it right up there with Tom Landry and Starback and Marino and Shula and Don Correale and Fouts or whoever, Air Correale. So I blew that one. So I blew the San Francisco. I blew the Pats game that one i was just dead wrong on about the patriot friggin gronkowski holy moly and you know what he's still

not 100 he's unbelievable but he's still not what he was you can tell he's just he to me looks like a half a step slower but you wouldn't know that yesterday would you is he a beast or what holy christ so yeah i blow the Pats. I blow the San Francisco game. I blow the Seattle game. I did have Pittsburgh last night. They could be, I think the Pittsburgh could be trouble later on. It's so funny, man.

They're like sloppy. They do just enough to get by. But that James Harrison, is there a better ass in the nfl than james harrison how'd you like to meet him in a dark alley he was on that uh he was on that i don't think it was hard knocks they did something on hbo but he was laying on a training table getting acupuncture i'll never forget this and all he had was like a towel a small towel covering his ass because the tv cameras are there and the camera was going like you know starting at his feet just kind of panning his whole body i mean these guys are superhuman i mean his calves are like my my ass they're that thick and and you can see the side of his ass it looked like a

horse's it was that muscular and he's laying on the table and and he's like uh what's the most needles you ever gave anybody ladies i got 150 i want two i want 202 but did you see him last night i mean just a badass just a badass this guy a badass. This guy retired, folks. Went to the Bengals for a game or two. Then was working out. They say he works out like 4.30 in the morning. And he's just an animal and a badass. And there were a lot of fights last night, and I loved it.

It reminded me, again, I'm 52, of the Steelers and Raiders in the 70s, which for my money is still the greatest rivalry in sports. It was even more violent than the Ravens and Steelers, if you go back and watch it. I told you, they actually, after a playoff game back in the 70s, the two teams had to go to court. That's how, I forget what happened. There was an incident.

I think that's when Tatum or George Atkinson knocked out Lin Swan on the second play of the game. Just ran up. Lin Swan wasn't even in the play. It was just running like a pattern. And one of the Raiders' defensive backs, who were just criminals, ran up and just, I mean, a forearm to the back and laid Lin Swan out.

Just knocked him right out with a forearm to the back of the head. I mean, if it was done today, I mean, he'd be in jail for six months or whatever. So they literally had to go to the back of the head how many if it was done today i mean you'd be in jail for six months or whatever they so they literally had to go to court because of that and uh it was just the old days i mean uh and they actually asked uh chuck noel i remember this in court they showed her on the news and everything and they were asking about mel blunt i think the cornerback.

And they asked Chuck Knoll, do you believe some of your players are an actual criminal element? And he hesitates. And we're like, I would have to say yes. Come on. You got to love that. So, yeah. So the Ravens and Steelers last night,

there was pushing and shoving. And some of it looked like it was for show, but there's some bad blood there. But luckily I had that one right. I don't feel good about my pick tonight. I don't know. I can still change it, but you don't want to do that. That's the worst thing you can do, right?

Change it, then you... Patriots, Jets. How about those Jets? Oh, myets. How about those Jets? Oh, my God. How? Somebody tell me how Rex Ryan is still there. Unbelievable. And they're always on CBS.

We have to listen to that fucking... What a combination. The Jets offense and this goddamn jingle running through your head the rest of the day. But poor Michael Vicks on his last... How's Rex Ryan still there? How? How?

They stink. They've stunk since I was a kid. They really do but um i did enjoy that game last night let's end it with that let's end it with a little tribute to old school football nfl football but the ravens and steelers uh i liked it. Violent, a lot of fighting, a lot of pushing, a lot of stuff that, you know, soccer moms are against and the people that are attacking football are against. So let's do this as a tribute. The autumn wind is a pirate

blustering in from sea with a rollicking song he sweeps along, swaggering voicelessly. His face is weather-beaten. He wears a hooded sash with a silver hat about his head and a bristling black mustache. hat about his head and a bristling black mustache he growls as he storms the country a villain big and bold and the trees all shake and quiver and quake as he robs them of their gold the autumn wind is a raider pillaging just for fun yeah He'll knock you round and upside down and laugh when he's conquered and won. Oh, God, I saw good shows from that. Mr. Official, let me ask you something.

How can six of you miss a play like that, huh? Oh, six of you. The ball jumped out of there as soon as we made contact. I thought you were talking about you being on the field. No. What? That was the great Hank Stram. That was my team as a kid, one of my teams.

I love the Vikings, and I love the Chiefs. A guy named Otis Taylor was a receiver for the Chiefs. And, of course, we go from that to this. fun with audio yeah anyways kids that's it no thanks to joe matterice that Yeah. Anyways, kids, that's it. No thanks to Joe Mattarese, that bastard. You're some not a bitch. Anyways, we'll have Joey on next week.

He's always good for a good family, man. He's watching after his kids. Maybe a few of you should take a lesson. Okay, go Republicans tomorrow, even though you suck too. But anything's better than those union chooches and politically correct and people crying sexist, racist, and all the other horseshit that the mainstream media backs up. Let's get Obama and his ilk the fuck out of here. No offense.

That's it. I think you know how I feel about you. I love you for helping me to construct of my life not a tavern but a temple. I love you

because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself. Perhaps, after all, that is what love means And that is why I love you Good day everybody! guitar solo guitar solo Bye.