The Nick DiPaolo Show - 063 - Not in the Mood

Episode Date: January 6, 2015

Not in the Mood

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. Yo, what's up? I've done this 900 times, so I'm just fucking wailing this out. This is the deal. January 9th on Comedy Central, my one-hour special, Robert Kelly live at the Village Underground premieres. I need you to check it out, TiVo it. Watch it. Tell everybody you know.

And that night, the same night, you can own it for five bucks at RobertKelleyLive.com. You can preorder your unedited version with a bunch of extras right there at RobertKelleyLive.com. And it's five bucks. Or you can pay a little more. That's your option. So make sure you go there. Comedy Central, January 9th. Check it out.

Spread the word and then go to robertkellylive.com right after and buy it. I really appreciate you guys. You guys are the best fans in the fucking world. Thanks for listening to the podcast and thanks for supporting my live comedy. Goodbye, dude. Go to the website, dude. Five bucks, dude. comedy goodbye did go to the website five bucks did Hey kids, what's going on? Happy New Year to you.

Really not in the mood for this shit today. Gotta be honest with you. Just fucking, I don't know why. January blues. I don't know. Leaving for L.A. tomorrow. Really don't know. Leaving for L.A. tomorrow. Really don't like that city. Flying all the way out there to do a bunch of podcasts to promote this special,

which somebody put up on YouTube already. He wasn't even out there for 24 hours. And some young kid, part of the generation that doesn't really expect to pay for anything when it comes to the internet i guess i don't know i you know i have mixed feelings the kid's trying to do me a favor you know he said this guy's an underrated comic blah blah blah and he puts it up on youtube and uh that's fine because you know eventually i want people to come out to see me live and that helps. But the point is, I put a lot of my own, not a lot, but enough of my own money into this where I want to make some money from it.

And, you know, spend endless hours editing and all that shit. And this fucking kid just throws it out there for the world to see. And luckily some people on Twitter notified me. And then, you know, you send the kid an email which he ignores whatever and you know then you have to notify google and everybody else and what a fucking pain in the balls again i was happier in 1976 only this only thing this technology's done is like i said it's perfected pornography other than that you can stick it up your fucking ass. Yes, I'm in a mood today, so it should be a great show.

The hell with that Kava shit, too, that I turned you guys on to. As far as in, I don't know, it knocks you out, but today I feel like I did meth for three weeks. I get that, you know, when you used to do cocaine in the 80s? Come on, you did cocaine. Don't don't kid yourself. But you had when you when you came down from that shit and you and it feels like somebody took a wire brush to your nervous system. That's how I feel today. I took like five of those. Cava capsules, because, again, I'm, you know, an insomniac, apparently. And and I drank a cup of tea,

and I took a Advil PM. Two nights in a row. And it knocked me out. One night I stayed asleep. But it's like still in my system today. Actually, I didn't take it last night. It was the night before, and the night before that, those two nights.

But last night I didn't take it. night, it was the night before, and the night before that, those two nights, but last night I didn't take it, went to bed at 2.05, woke up at 4.07, almost exactly two hours, and then tossed and turned, couldn't even rub one out, I was just so fucking angry and miserable, just laid there for a couple hours,

then fell back asleep for an hour, then woke up, and then fell back asleep for an hour, this has been the pattern for a fucking year i'm ready to fucking hang myself jesus christ if anybody looks at me wrong on the plane tomorrow you're gonna be read about me in the newspaper and i fucking choke out a one of those moody stewardesses sir put your seat up shut up you douche watching sling blade well i watched a couple good movies uh when you you're a member of sag screen actors guild union they send you the movies that are up for awards they send you them in the mail or you can log on to you know like the sony site or whatever and watch the movie which i'm not gonna but they mail

most of the discs to you so uh watched um the one about stephen hawking the theory of everything whatever that was pretty good that guy should uh be nominated for um you know talking like he had mashed potatoes in his mouth for five hours while sitting in a wheelchair. That was a pretty good story. Good story. Although I see that I read in the paper Stephen Hawking is an anti-Israel guy. So fuck him too. Hope somebody dumps him in a pool.

Just kidding, Steve. You're terrific. Anyways, good Moby. Quite a guy. quite a fellow that steven hoggan uh what the hell else watched uh saint vincent last night with uh bill murray cute movie didn't buy the kid the little kid in the movie it's a story about uh you know melissa mccarthy from mike and molly she's a uh what else but a fucking single mom because god forbid you saw a family intact in a hollywood movie uh she's a single mom a little kid who's i don't know eight seven eight nine years old

living somewhere in new york anyways uh bill murray is the next door curmudgeon neighbor um you know who has a russian whore for a girlfriend prostitute and you know he's a bad role model for kids but uh uh the mother works many hours so the kid uh she actually pays bill murray to babysit the kid and he takes the kid to the track and the kid, she actually pays Bill Murray to babysit the kid, and he takes the kid to the track, and the kid gets bullied in school, and Bill Murray teaches him how to, good story, actually, cute story. Only problem I have with it, well, I have, and I always have a problem with this, Hollywood doesn't know how to write children. They're always way too precocious, you know? Kid talk like, his dialogue, he sounded like he was 23 when he's supposed to be eight or nine they always do that they make them way too precocious that's always been at least that's how i've seen

it i don't know what the problem is why they can't write a kid but you gotta have the you know naturally the obligatory bully scene where the kid gets bullied in school it wouldn't be a movie without that we haven't seen that enough have we but uh bill murray's so good you know has a stroke in the movie and um i won't ruin the movie for you if you haven't seen yet matter of fact i'll make up a fake ending uh then he opened a mattress factory and the um assassinates a senator from Senator from Utah. That's the end of the movie. Yeah, so St. Vincent. It was good. Pretty good. There's no movies that wow you anymore, are there?

I mean, when was the last scene I made? Something you walked out of the theater like when you first saw Goodfellas or... Everything's like, yeah, okay, that was good. You've been reading about this... I've been reading about these movies for weeks on a paper and three, four stars and all that and then you're like okay that would have been considered mediocre in 1978 and i'm not trying to uh i'm not trying to uh oh my brain is cobbled out i'm not trying to romanticize the past but jesus cuckoo's nest um you know good fellas where are those movies deer hunter i don't see anything of

that caliber coming down the pike ever again some original hacks in hollywood working the beat but those two are pretty good it's nice when they're sent to you I won't go to the theater anymore I get too distracted by people you know especially today with the media I mean with the technology you can have an 80-85 foot screen in your living room

and why the fuck would you want to go sit in a theater with some fat pig behind you? Chewing on milk duds right in your ear. I don't need that. I don't need that shit in my life, okay? You know what I'm doing right now is I talk to people and making a cooking octopus. I know I mentioned it on other podcasts.

If you go on my Twitter, I tweeted a thing out years ago, a year ago. So picture me holding up an octopus. I made a joke about Planned Parenthood or some shit. But right now that's simmering on the stove upstairs as I do this show. Really not in the mood for this shit. I can be honest with you. Yeah, so, you know, the special's out there.

Go to nickdip.com. And you know what? The pre-orders were brisk i gotta be honest this could be good but uh again this kid throws it up on youtube and probably takes the fucking fizz right out of my campaign um i have my lawyers going after him dershowitz i already put him on it um i'm sure the kid like i said the kid had good intentions because he said nice things about me. But doesn't he understand this is how I make a fucking living?

This and selling weed to Jamaican kids in Queens. Why? I got to be Jamaican kids. I don't know. Yeah, so I'm a little fucking moaty. So what's new? And I haven't even put on the TV today. I got a couple of games according.

Probably get to them at midnight tonight. Got the Kava hangover. That shit's weird. If you guys didn't hear me talk about this on previous episodes of the show, Kava is a narcotic from a tree root in the South Pacific, Fiji Islands, Hawaii, out there. If you don't know what South Pacific is.

It's a narcotic it's a mild they treat people with uh anxiety with it but um it does it kind of mellows me out yet i'm still fucking angry from lack of sleep i don't know it knocked me out but again like i said i mix it with an advil pm i try just the ad i know it's going to happen tonight too because i'm traveling tomorrow i never sleep well imagine after 20 something years i never sleep well maybe it's because every time i pick up the paper there's a malaysian airplane taking a dip in the freaking ocean they uh they located that since the last time i talked to you they think the guy tried to pull a sullen sully sullenberger and try to land it but the waters were too rough and the plane went under what a horrible thing huh hundred and how many people on a 69 they've only discovered

uh i should say recovered discovered yeah it's a fucking planet uh they've only recovered i don't know like 30 bodies some of them still strapped in their seats and uh just what i want to read before i uh hit the kennedy airport tomorrow and get on jet blue and then i pick up the paper today and reading about the guy that remember went to the lax and shot a tsa guy remember about a year ago he just got did they kill him i don't think it's. All my stories are jumbled together. Anyways, that was in the paper to remind me today what could happen. But it should be fun, man. I'm going to see Rogan, who I haven't seen in a while, and Adam Carolla, Jay Moore, possibly Fitzsimmons, and a couple others. So that could be fun.

Or it could be a freaking nightmare. I could be rear-ended by a illegal immigrant who just got his license. Because that just happened in California. I read that in the paper today. Officially handing out licenses to people who were in the country illegally. Congratulations. Nice going. Yeah. Nice going. That's a good fucking idea, isn't it?

Sure it is. Yeah. And you blew it. You blew it. Goddamn right you did. What else? What the fuck else? Oh, speaking of plane crashes, did you read that story today?

And again, I don't know when you're going to listen to this, but that's your problem uh seven-year-old girl survives a plane crash with her family they were flying i think from florida to illinois they're from nashville they were flying from florida to illinois and it crashed in kentucky small plane goes down kills the the girl's mother father sister and a cousin she's seven years old she survives crashes at night she walks through these woods on a freezing cold night with like missing a shoe and a sock and cut up face and bleeding and and she actually takes a stick i couldn't believe this she's like i've seen that in a fucking first blood Rambo. She takes a stick from the woods, and one of the wings of the plane was still burning. She lights the stick.

I don't know where she learned that. And uses that for a light and walks a couple miles until she finds a house through the woods. Some guy in Kentucky. She banged on some guy's door 71 years old and she's all bloody in the face and stuff and and uh tells you know tells the guy that her parents are dead and her sister's dead can you imagine i mean this is unbelievable poise for a seven-year-old girl this movie's in the making i guarantee you this you know this anytime there's something female related where it shows a a girl or a woman and you know doing something like this

guarantee oprah's already on this or somebody's already on this tlc this movie will be out in a year and i'm going to audition for the part of the little girl. But that's pretty frigging crazy, huh? That's a tough, tough little nut. How sad is that, though? Jesus. Family's wiped out. Those planes, man, I don't know what I'm more scared of. You know, the little ones, you're like,

if you get in trouble, you can land them anywhere. They seem to go down a lot. The little ones, if you get in trouble, you can land them anyway. They seem to go down a lot. But then again, you've got those Malaysia-based flights. I thought that was incredible, though. You're going to see her. You'll see her on TV being interviewed.

Can you imagine that? He's seven, and you know enough to light a branch on fire to use that as a... I keep thinking of Rambo when he, probably hunting him in the woods in upstate Washington, and he's underground in a cave, and he takes cloth, rips some canvas he finds, wraps around a stick, dips it in some kerosene,

lights it, and thousands of rats are jumping on him, and he's walking through this tunnel of muddy water, but God bless that little girl, man. Nice New Year's, huh? Nice New Year's Eve. January 4th it happened, I guess. But I didn't do anything on New Year's Eve.

Me and the wife sat around. It was crazy. I mixed champagne with Lipitor and Viagra. Holy Christ. Rocking in the New Years. No, I had cava in me, actually. And I drank fram... What is it?

Framboise? I can't even... I don't know how you say it. It's like... It's framboise. Is that what it is? It's like wine. It tastes like beer and wine combined.

Kind of a black cherry taste. it's really uh it's good it's like grape soda they get you buzzed mixing that with kava what a fucking wild man huh holy shit what a boring evening my wife's like reading a paper she's doing a sudoku i'm fucking swearing it ryan seacrest flipping over to ball games that mean nothing and you blew it you blew itoku i'm fucking swearing at ryan seacrest flipping over to bowl games that mean nothing and you blew it you blew it yeah i'm talking to the university of pittsburgh on that one they were up 31 to 6 in the fourth quarter to houston 31 to 6 in the fourth quarter and they lost there was some good ball game there was so much football on you know how i love college football it's all i talk about i was actually tired of it. I'm getting, I'm at that point. I think I got to put

it away. Find something else that includes NFL pro college, anything got to get more focused. I just, I can't help it. I, I, I might be at that point. I always say this, but I've been watching the shit since I was six. I must really love this shit because I've seen every off tackle. I've seen every quarterback sack. I've seen every interception. I've seen every one-handed catch. I've seen every push in the back. I've seen all that shit a thousand times and I still tune in. I still sit there each and every Sunday. But I was finally going, I think I've seen it all. I'm tired of this shit. I actually shut one game off.

That and this song, I think, might be wearing me out. That we've discussed many times on this show. But I'm finally, I think I'm burnt. I got to do something else. I'm going to learn to play the fucking tuba. They get a lot of pussy tuba players, you notice? Me either. Hooah. to play the fucking tuba they get a lot of pussy tuba players you notice me either um let me plug my dates while you're listening oh am i miserable right now god i don't want to be here i don't want to be in la

i don't want to be in front of the fucking tv uh what are we, January 2015? Yeah, that's great. I'll be 53 in, what's the date today? Today's the 4th. 27 days. That's great. 53. I keep saying that's middle age. No, it isn't. The average guy lives to at least 78. So middle age is like 30, 39. I passed that. I passed that 13 years ago, but I keep in, I consider myself middle age. That's if I lived to 106. What am I a fucking old Russian broad eating yogurt in the woods? Those are the only people that lived to 106. I'm a Japanese. I can't kill them either. Unless you have a big bomb. A big bomb! That'll do it!

Uh, yeah. What are my gigs? Uh... I'm gonna start doing half hours again at the stand here in New York City. Put another...

Put another hour together. Work on that for another two years so some kid can throw it up on fucking YouTube. Can somebody explain capitalism to these little communist cocksuckers uh let me see yeah suffolk theater riverhead new york i love that gig did it last april i think riverhead new york that's january 23rd it's a friday night next night the uh sports haven and new haven connecticut supposed to be a nice theater i was told by somebody who did it already Next night, the Sports Haven in New Haven, Connecticut. Supposed to be a nice theater, I was told, by somebody who did it already.

Ellen Karas, I believe. That's the 24th. And then Bananas in Hasbrook Heights. The 30th and the 31st, my birthday. What better way to ring in my 53rd birthday than on fucking Route 17 in Hasbrook Heights, wherever it is, Route 9. I don't even know. All I know is I swore I wasn't going to do it again,

and that was three years ago. It's one of those clubs you go in, they have pictures from Seinfeld when he was like 21. Robert Klein's like 30. And, you know, that's how long the place has been around. Hey, it's local, all right? You don't have to get on a plane again. That's January long the place has been around. Hey, it's local, all right? Don't have to get on a plane again. That's January, folks. And then Rams Head Live, which is February 13th on a Friday night.

Baltimore, Maryland. February 13, Rams Head Live. And then finally, February 27 and 28, I'll be doing four shows at the Comedy Works in Albany. So come on out. And in between that, I'll probably go on vacation somewhere nice.

You know, someplace beautiful. You know what I mean? Like Columbus, Ohio, or, you know, where all the pussy is. Paducah, Kentucky. Burlington, Vermont.

I've been around Al Sharpton was on the front page Of the Post today Finally You know this They buried that cop The Asian cop They buried Ramos A few days ago

And now they're burying The Asian cop Wen-Zhen Liu And I mean thousands And thousands of cops from all over the country i mean from everywhere other countries too um for this guy's funeral thank god just so funny to see de blasio what a hypocrite how phony he looks and uncomfortable at these things fucking words fall out of his mouth like a turd um but bratton the commissioner

told the cops not to turn their back to the to the mayor at this funeral like they did in the last one um i don't know if they did it or they didn't haven't uh seen what the results were. But anyways. And they got another one of those suspects. One of those seven or nine people that, you know, attacked the two cops on the Brooklyn Bridge. Another SUNY student slash teacher. Little douche. Jared Shanahan.

29. He wore a ski mask. Well, you know, he's full of courage. His lawyer's like, well, it's cold. That's why I had the ski mask well you know he's full of courage his lawyer's like well it's cold that's why i had the ski mask on wow using the task same tactic tactics that al-qaeda and isis and terrorists do put on a ski mask fucking phony well they got him anyways he was male suspect number two he was arrested and uh his friends fucked up the bail so he had to stay overnight i guess in jail or whatever that's too bad huh fucking coward um yeah the post did a whole thing on how sharpton shakes down businesses not anything we don't anybody who follows this doesn't know.

He goes to places like Pepsi, you know, he'll go to Pepsi and say, you don't have enough black people or any black people in your commercials, which to me is unfathomable. And he'll start picketing in front of the Pepsi plant or wherever. And then all the white guys in suits

who are just as evil as Sharpton, when you think about it, just as cowardice, they pony up money and pay him a salary to either sit on sit on some board. You know, that's what Sony's going to do. They're going to pay him money. So are they going to put together a commission made up of black people to make sure that they're represented in Hollywood? Because we all know Hollywood is the center, right, for racial discrimination.

What a joke. That is the fucking most hilarious thing I've ever heard in my life. But that's what Sharpton does. He goes to corporations and then like he did it to Honda, I guess the Honda plant here in America. And, you know,

says you're not hiring enough African Americansan-americans and we're going to pick it and make noise and then the companies get nervous i don't understand why because uh you know last time i checked african-americans make up at 13 of the population so i don't know how it's going to hurt your bottom line that much but then then then i realized that's right though there's white liberals who won't do business with those companies if they because they buy into this shit it's just shakedown jesse jackson was the best at it by the way but sharpton too the national action network people don't need money to that you know to shut him up but it's kind of good it's shining a light on this maybe maybe you know we

all know this people that live in the northeast sort of know shar It's shining a light on this. Maybe, you know, we all know this. People that live in the Northeast sort of know Sharpton's tactics since Tawana Brawley and all that, but maybe now it's kind of getting some national exposure. I want us to come back. He is. And the fact that our president

confides in this guy when it comes to racial issues and has had him to the White House some 80-odd times, that just speaks volumes to me. That has had them to the white house some 80 odd times that just speaks volumes to me mother that's just unbelievable to me even for even for obama that's unbelievable i want to see if it's going to change after all this i doubt it but that cop's funeral is uh today a lot of dark news huh folks a lot of dark news i don't mean to bum you out here

but uh the world's a rotten place ain't it kind of but when it gets too heavy we go to our we have a couple things to go to we go to this guy when a man falls out of your boat and into the water you should yell man overboard now what should you yell if a woman falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell, man overboard. Now what should you yell if a woman falls overboard? Full speed ahead. The late, great Paul Lind. One of the funniest people ever, in my opinion, to walk the earth. How funny is that, a gay guy saying that about a woman falling overboard?

Full speed ahead. Oh my God, you did that today, they'd be picketing. Right? Yeah. And, and,

what the hell else? Mario Cuomo, did I mention? His passing. Liberal icon. Guy grew up in queens his parents were grocers immigrants it is pretty amazing right it's an amazing american story he was quite an orator they say um i like him a lot better than his son. Son seems like a phony. But Mario,

it's pretty amazing. The life. He was like a good athlete too. But he's gone. He's gone. Nothing we can do about it. He's gone. What do you mean?

What do you mean? He's gone. You know. Nothing we can do about it. He's gone. Yeah, so he gave a rousing speech that you can Google at the 1984 Democratic National Convention that I was reading in the paper today.

Michael Goodwin in the Post pointed out how the speech, people call it timeless, that four months later, everything was debunked that he said in the speech. Reagan's economy was going through the roof and everything that he was poo-pooing on. He did that tale of two cities, too, before de Blasio jumped on it. The obnoxious cocksucker de Blasio.

What's this here? It says Walnut's clip. Let's listen to this for a little humor in an otherwise heavy podcast. In the service, I won the chill-ups cup three weeks in a row humor in an otherwise heavy podcast. I was in the service. I won the chill-ups cup three weeks in a row. Pauly Walnut. Fucking beautiful definition, too. Guy asked me to model for the boxing poster. He was here for fag, but I was flat.

It's just the same. Now, look at this. Fucking wrinkles like an old lady's cunt. Excuse me. Excuse me. fucking wrinkles like an old lady's cunt that's what i know i don't feel like working working some clips that was uh paulie walnuts talking to tony soprano when he was in his coma. Fucking cracked me up. And this was sad news. I wasn't a, I'm going to be honest. Again, I'm always honest with you people. I don't be politically correct just to be nice.

But Stuart Scott, you know, from SportsCenter, he passed away yesterday from cancer. And a little tribute to Stuart. Good family man. Spoke at the ESPYs. He was really sad. You could tell he didn't have much longer to live, but, uh, you know,

he brought a little flare to sports center. He got tired of, uh, Dan Patrick's white stick, Stuart Scott or Swami, I should say. And, uh,

so Stuart passed away of cancer and here's, what's making me nuts. I read three articles. They're all about 11 pages long to me, a little, little much for a sports center anchor. But they all said he died of cancer.

The three articles I read, not one article mentioned what kind of cancer. And it's not like it's widely known. I know he has scars on his stomach. But when did we stop doing that? Is that politically incorrect to mention what kind of cancer

killed him now? Three articles, and they were fucking long, and it just says cancer, died of cancer. Can we get a little more specific? That bugged me. I'm trying to do a podcast

to inform people. I don't know. Is that a new thing? It's like, you know, he died... This is a famous guy who died of cancer. It's not like one of the Pittsburgh Penguins suffered an upper body injury. In the NHL, they don't mention.

I don't know why this is. It's very specific to hockey now. They never mention what the injury is. He had a lower body injury. He had a upper. That's as specific as they get in hockey. I must have missed that meeting i i don't understand uh i mean i understand why they don't want to announce because the players

will supposedly go after the injury if the guy has bad ribs they'll go after his ribs but in hockey it's very odd they always especially hockey just says an upper body and and football you hear a baseball he's day-to-day with a hamstring or a you know a uh a bad shoulder but uh it's very unique to hockey i don't know somebody can explain that to me call in at 1-800-765-912-276-449-116-17805 i'm heading out to la at the right time though because we have the vortex coming back the 05. I'm heading out to LA at the right time, though, because we have the vortex coming back. The Arctic vortex is heading this way, apparently, and the east and the Midwest are going to get whacked.

I read in the paper yesterday, Montreal. It said Montreal tomorrow, I think, is going to be, the high is going to be, and I'm not shitting you, this is what it said in the paper 47 below and that's that is not a wind chill that's an actual temperature which reminds me when I went to the University of Maine and I've told you this before I woke

up when I came back my freshman or sophomore year from Christmas break my alarm went off when we put on the radio and the the campus DJ goes with the wind it's minus 71 and my roommate just went oh i'm fucking i ain't going nowhere my buddy jeff he just opens up this little cigar box takes a joint out about about this length of his forearm it's not smoking it fucking seven in the morning like an idiot and auss, I went to class and almost lost three toes.

So I could hear my professor, Dick Fenn, my psychology professor. It's the only class I went to that I didn't go to. What am I saying? I went to it a couple times. And I actually enjoyed psychology. So I read the books and did the homework and just showed up for the test. Because David Letterman was on in the mornings at 11 o'clock or 11.30,

and that's what time my psychology class was, or sociology. Dick Fenn, that was the professor. And yeah, so I used to skip it every day. But because I was interested, I actually did the homework and read the book and did what the itinerary said and actually aced the class.

And every other class, I really had to cheat. Let's be honest. Shall we? Yeah. I'm all over the place, aren't I? Get Carver drip here. So Stuart Scott, God bless you. Yeah, they did a nice piece on him.

You know, he's a good face. Got two daughters and stuff. a tough guy, man. They said he'd do basketball games right after he'd have surgery and on medication and barely conscious, and then have to do a game or do SportsCenter, and it's too bad, too young, too young. As far as all his things, the coolest side of the pillow is cool as the other side of the pillow as cool as the other side of

the pillow i heard that shit way before he said it i swear when i was younger but i don't know it was in a movie or something but he did have some good ones taking him to bus drive because he took him to school that was pretty good stuff like that seemed like a cool cat yeah he didn't look good at the espies it was like and it's so weird because i wasn't really paying attention i didn't know he was that sick and they did a whole thing on him so uh rest in peace stewart um oh how about that i mentioned they got the kid jared shanahan one of the guys that helped kind of beat up two cops. And I think I mentioned her last week, Judge Laura Johnson.

You've seen her. She looks, you know, more like Shemp Howard than a woman. She's the one who some kid posted a couple things on the Internet, you you know like a day after the cops were shot you know he posted a picture of uh him pointing a gun at a cop car or somebody pointing a gun and then he made threats that he wanted to kill cops and uh she let him out she let him out and did the same to another kid this week another gangbanger who made threats so she let two two uh young guys out one of them was a gangbanger saying that they you know they're making terroristic threats and then she lets them make bail or whatever lets them back on

the street judge i call her larry johnson it's laura john Johnson. And she was reappointed by de Blasio. Surprise, surprise. So you can really see his heart's in it. What a douche. She should be asked to step down and move to fucking Canada. You twat. Right? Need some dramatic music.

Hello, Dr. Lara Johnson. what a slut that doesn't even make sense she looks like newt gingrich um geez a lot of deaths on this show or as my buddy al barbara's dad used to say from this a lot of death a lot of, a lot of death and destruction. He used to say to me, Nicky, you know why the Boston Bruins stink? And he was dead serious. Their Goldie sucks. Their Goldie sucks. Not their Goldie.

Their Goldie. Love the guy. So, yeah, Mario Cuomo, Stuart Scott scott i mean what the hell's going on here who else did i mention didn't i mention three people well i mentioned the little girl who survived the crash that wasn't it uh what else is going on in the world for oh, the cop, obviously. He's one of the two that was slain last week. But they're burying him.

Yeah, a little too much stuff here. What else? Chris Rock, my buddy Chris. He just got divorced. And I don't know. That wasn't a big surprise to me. Because you can glean a lot from a comics act. And, um, you know, I never got the idea he was a big fan of marriage. Not just his, of marriage in general. And, uh, I think her name was Malak. She was a

very attractive woman. Nice woman. Met her when I worked at HBO, Chris. But that one didn't really surprise me. Look, they had a couple of kids. They were married 19 years. That's pretty damn good. Especially for a, you know, a famous couple. But, yeah, it's official. And then I'm reading in the post,

he's on like Pete Diddy's yacht down in St. Barts with a new chick so i don't think this is all of this was that new if you know what i'm saying but uh yeah i hope he protects his money i i read in the paper like they both have really like power attorneys people who have represented other famous people. I forget who Chris is. I want to say he's, I don't know, was it him or her that had Gandolfini's lawyer when he got divorced? And, yeah, so that could, I don't know, it might get a little ugly. I hope not.

But Chris seems to be shaking it off, making, bouncing back quickly. He's yeah on a yacht like p diddy's yacht and i'll go to saint we're gonna go to saint bards again this year i think trust me we're not on any yacht and we're not staying at the same place as chris rock i bring a pup tent we make a lane two right next to the uh the scariest part of that trip is is flying you got to go to saint martin first and then take a puddle jumper i just told you that Take a lane to. Right next to the. The scariest part of that trip. Is flying. You got to go to St. Martin first. And then take a puddle jumper. I just told you that story.

You got to take a puddle jumper. To St. Bart's. And the plane has to go between. Two mountains. Like small mountains. And the runway. Is about as long as. The driveway at my house.

And so the guy's got to. You know. It's one of those planes. You're sitting. You're and so the guy's got a you know it's one of those planes you're sitting you're breathing on the pilot's neck remember the first time we took him my wife was literally crying because the weather was so bad and we saw the pilot swearing he gonna he had just landed from saint bart's to saint martin and we're looking out the window he comes storm and he slams the door of the plane and he's fuming he had like a black mustache he looked like the president of mexico's um but he was pissed that they were making him fly in this weather i know i told this before but not all years of listening to these previous shows and

literally there was like a two-hour delay and then i go up to the counter i go are we going to be taken off at four and the guy goes we're going to give it a shot. I almost fucking shit blood. We're going to give it a shot. Exact words. Anyways, the wife was literally crying. The plane was just, this guy had both, he was pulling up on that stick when we landed. We had to come in backwards that time instead of through the mountains because the wind was going the other way. He came in through the back.

So that means the mountains are at the end of the runway instead of the water when you come in the other way. He came in through the back. So that means the mounds are at the end of the runway instead of the water when you come in the other way. Whatever. But I know it was dangerous when I was watching, when I was doing those clips on that World's Dumbest on True TV, and one of the clips was a plane going off that very runway. So

we'll be doing that again this year. But I bought football helmets for me and the wife. I got her a Vikings helmet and me a Denver Broncos. Oh my god, I'm just making shit up. It's so fucking unfunny. I can't wait to...

I need a little soothing. Here we go. Calm me down. This is a perfect song for this sad, angry, sometimes funny podcast. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! I started a joke Which started the whole world crying I'm planting this in your head if you haven't heard it. This will be stuck in your head. I didn't see

For the next, I don't know, ten years, if you haven't heard it. This will be stuck in your head for the next, I don't know, 10 years if you can thank me. It's a sad song, isn't it? Oh, no. I started to cry

which started the whole world laughing. Which started the whole world laughing All your body down the street Had to tell the world about me I looked up the sky That's right, take it in, kids. This is going to be burnt in your mind forever. Over my eyes

And I fell out of bed Hurting my head From things that I said Till I finally died head that I said till I finally died which star in the cold world did I be

oh if I don't be seen alrighty that's the motor, man. Perfect. Let's go to sports. What happened? Sounded like something just went dead.

Is it still rolling? Yes, it is. Ah, sports-wise. What do you want to talk about, kids? Again, I don't like to do much of this because we know these aren't... We don't know when you listen to these goddamn things but people on twitter say no we like it when you talk sports no i don't know uh bowl games so the national championship is set on uh january 12th for college football again this is the first year

of the playoff system they took the top four teams al Alabama was one. Oregon was two. Florida State was three. Ohio State was four. So one played four, which is Alabama and Ohio State. I think that was the Sugar Bowl. And then you had, you know who? Oregon and Florida State. And Oregon fucking throttled Florida State.

And I'm so happy because I hate James Winston. He's just everything that's wrong with today's young athletes. Just a smug entitled. But let me tell you something. He's a pro football player. That kid can throw with the best of them. I don't know if he's got the brains, but, man, does he have a gun. And he can throw a nice, he's got a nice touch, too.

But Oregon took them apart, man. Put up, I don't know, what did they put up, 59 points? I don't remember. Seems like a year ago. But they took them apart at the seams. Oregon runs like 10 plays a minute. And Chip Kelly put that offense in there. And this guy has kept it going, I guess, this new coach. Probably, I'm sure, he was in the system with Chip Kelly put that offense in there, and this guy has kept it going, I guess, this new coach.

Probably, I'm sure he was in the system with Chip Kelly. But, man, are they impressive. But let's see how impressive, because they're going to have to go up against the Ohio State Buckeyes. Oh, I'll tell you, the Buckeyes, they took the Alabama Crimson Tide behind the woodshed and gave them a beating. Let me tell you, what a game that was. Back and forth. And in the second half, Ohio State came out and said, we're going to show you that the Big Ten can't compete with the SEC.

The SEC is the conference. You know, it's known as the best in college football, and it usually is. And Alabama, I mean, Nick Saban is racking up titles left and right. They could beat a few pro teams, I swear. But what a great game that was. Back and forth in Ohio State late in the game. Just put the pedal to the frigging metal. Urban Meyer, and he beats his old nemesis, Nick Saban.

Saban used to be at LSU, and Urban Maya was at Florida. So I think they might have faced each other a few times. But now Urban Maya is in the national championship against the Oregon Ducks. That's going to be interesting. I don't know. I don't even have a guess as to what the line is going to be. You know? Any team. I don't know. I don't even have a guess as to what the line's going to be. You know? Any team, I don't know.

I have to give the, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I have to give the edge, I guess, to any team that can beat Alabama because they were the most well-rounded, most balanced college football team. And anybody that can beat them, to me, should be favored over whoever they're playing but then you watch Oregon and and the Heisman Trophy winner Marcus Mariota at quarterback another stud who should be quite a pro ball player um that's going to be interesting that is going to be interesting

I just Ohio State man I hope you're in shape. I hope your defensive linemen are in shape. I hope the whole defense is in shape. Because, hey, I'm wheezing. Did you hear that? What the hell is that? Excuse me. Because you're going to have to be in shape

because they snap the ball every nine seconds, the Oregon Ducks. You are going to have to be in shape, because they snap the ball every nine seconds, the Oregon Ducks. You are going to be Alabama with second wind near the end there. They had their hands on the hips. You could see it. Excuse me. So that's going to be – mark that on your calendar. January 12th, it's a Monday night.

Eight nights from now. I don't know why they just can't play it this Monday. Jesus. These kids start, you know, they start, they go to camp in like late July, double sessions. Any doubt they should be getting paid at this point? I don't think so. But that's going to be a doozy.

And then what's going on here today the nfl yesterday carolina beat up on the cardinals i can't get into carolina i don't know why i just can't get into them as a pro football franchise i don't know why they just doesn't do it for me but they beat up on the cardinals who once again it's going to be like the third year in a row the cardinals start off like 10 and 3 and then they just fizzle at the end it's so weird how some teams have the same pattern every year so they're out and then last night the baltimore ravens and the steelers played and it really is one of the better rivalries in sports. And I'm sick of hearing about how Ben Roethlisberger is so great,

although he had a hell of a year. But they mention him as a Hall of Famer? Really? Really? Again, it's not very good players. I mean, is he really in the same category as a Roger Starback, a Joe Montana, a Tom Brady, an Elway. Maybe numbers wise, but I don't know. He's fun to watch. Don't get me wrong. I mean, you can't tackle the guy, but Joe Flacco, come playoff time, I want my money on Joe Flacco. This guy,

what were the fucking Ravens? Were they hibernating the last three weeks, where were they when I picked them every week in the pool, they wouldn't even cover, somebody beat the hell out of them a couple weeks ago, it's like they're just sitting, Harbaugh has them sitting and waiting for the playoffs, is it John Harper, can't even remember,

so they took apart the Steelers in Pittsburgh last night. I love the way they play the Ravens. It is old school, head knocking. That Terrell Suggs, that is one scary MF-er. And Joe Flacco just rises to the occasion, come playoff time. But man, do they hit. There was some head knocking going on. Remind me of the old days. Ra raiders stealers of the 70s or even chiefs raiders in the 70s real head knocking real head knocking

so uh yeah today you got uh indianapolis that game's probably over by now is that look at my clock it's 10 of 4 that was the early game yeah Indianapolis at home I think against the Bengals and tonight Lions at Dallas Lions at Dallas Dallas boy

they got their shit together this year I don't know but something yeah I don't want to say upset today, but I just feel something. Everything's been going so good for the Cowboys. I don't think they lost a game on the road, did they, this year? But they're at home where they haven't been that great. And the Lions have a crazy defense.

Ndamukong Su, who, by the way, did you see him step on? Why does part of me like that why does part of me like that dirtiness of nadamik and sue he stepped on uh aaron rogers ankle and it was definitely intentionally and here's why the nfl people question the commissioner and its motives they find him 70 grand yet he doesn't get suspended for the game. When you find somebody, that means you found them guilty. Does it not? So how can he not get suspended?

You're saying, yes, you stepped on his ankle and tried to cause bodily injury. But yes, you can play in the next game. 70 grand. Drop in the bucket for this guy. But he's playing which would make for a better game against the Cowboys

tonight so and then the Patriots oh boy the Patriots have to take on the Ravens the Ravens go to New England can't wait to see

what the weather's gonna be and we all know how the Ravens they've gone up to New England a Can't wait to see what the weather's going to be. And we all know how the Ravens, they've gone up to New England a couple times and embarrassed the Patriots come playoff time, I believe. I'm telling you, Joe Flacco, you got to put a hurt on him.

Yeah. So that's it. I got to, that should be my resolution, to watch less sports and get back to focus focus to put together another new hour that can be

splashed across the internet for nothing I really burnt my ass but what are you gonna do it's exposure right eh come out and see me

go to nickdip.com to get my new special, Another Senseless Killing. It's eight bucks. And we sell a lot on the pre-orders. We get a lot. And somebody paid 101 bucks, and another guy paid 50.

And that's when it was five bucks. If you pre-ordered, it was a special. But get the MP4, the MP3, the whole deal uh nickdip.com and it's i guess available the physical dvd i don't know we're taking pre-orders on itunes and amazon for something so uh yeah did i cover it all um octopus that's probably spilling over on the stove right now kitchen's on fire my dog's up on the couch probably crying shitting her pants um judge laura johnson should be bitch slapped or dick slap uh oh and other sports news real quickly uh john jones beats uh daniel comier

and that light heavyweight bout ufc gotta know this when i go in to talk my buddy joe rogan he is really great at that man he's at the weigh-in and he's he's at the weigh-in on a live mic and introducing these guys and keeping it lively. And they have three broads standing next to him, like real hot broads, like in, you know, with this, these pusses on their face, like they're bored shitless because not everybody's looking at them. They're looking at the fighters. The fighters come out. It's kind of a weird thing. They disrobe right in front of Joe and the commissioners or whatever for the weigh-in it's kind of funny one guy came out with a tuxedo like a tuxedo and he flexed he did you know that

most muscular pose they cause it and the tuxedo pops off you know it was it was a rigged gig but joe was standing behind him joe had this look on his face like how fucking corny was that? But yeah, John Jones beats Daniel Comey. John Jones is like the, they say he's the best ever at this shit. He's 21 and one. I don't know who beat him. Probably his brother who plays for the Patriots, Chandler Jones. You know that? The Patriots have this great, it's their best pass rusher, Chandler Jones.

And that's John Jones' brother, I do believe. They grew up in the Syracuse area. Imagine messing with those two at a party? What the fuck? Some badasses. But those guys are in unbelievable shape. Some of them have to be juicing. I'm going to ask Joe about that.

I want to start juicing. I know I'm 53, but I watch Stallone movies. Jesus Christ, I'm watching A Bullet to the Head, and he had another one where he escapes prisons. And Escape Plan, I think it was called. This guy's 68 years old. Do you guys do that? I can't watch a movie now without going to the info button

and then going to the cast and looking. You can click on that and find out who's alive and who's dead. Stallone's like 68. He's more ripped than Iggy Pop. I want to know how this guy's been juicing and not had damage. Same with Arnold. I remember hearing rumors that Arnold was on dialysis and all that shit. Remember that years ago?

He seems fine. Except for his hairline. But fucking Stallone, this guy. Still juicing. It's ripped. I have the physique of Buddy Epson. I don't know what the fuck happened. I'll tell you what happened. Insomnia is what happened. I wanted to get up today and work out. Couldn't do it. My eyes are bloodshot. Bags under them. So, yeah, I want to get on the juice i think i'm gonna ask joe about it rogan looks like he's about 220. guy looks solid he's got he's got the sleeves the tats and uh he's really he really knows his stuff man so uh yeah we'll have to talk about the john jones

uh fight i didn't pay for it. I have paid for UFC events in the past, but there was too many college football games on and shit, you know? I am a huge football junkie who, like I said at the beginning of the show, I have to start to wean myself off. It's getting embarrassing. You know what I mean? It really is.

All right, kids. I appreciate you buying the DVD and the album, whatever you want to call it, MP3. I don't know what you want to call it. But yeah, a lot of pre-orders. And I don't know, like I said, it's on sale now. You can actually, I don't have those numbers yet, but all this stuff has been positive pretty much on Twitter and on the internet and all that stuff. So I appreciate you again being great fans. Headed to L.A. tomorrow.

Be back on Friday. And that's about it. Let's close with, well, you know how I feel about you, but this guy really knows how to put it into words. I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself.

Perhaps, after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. Good day, kids! We'll be right back. guitar solo I'm out.