Transcript
Discussion (0)
You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids.
How are you?
That's right.
Nick DiPaolo coming at you.
Busy day tomorrow, so I'm doing this show a little earlier.
It's Sunday right now,
but I'll probably release
at the same time,
late Monday night or whatever,
because I have way too much
to do tomorrow during the day.
That's if I don't get buried
by the snowstorm on the way.
Isn't it a pain in the ass
fucking living here?
I mean, I love the Northeast, folks,
but Jesus Christ.
I'm lucky. I'm lucky as far as uh
in my 27 28 years of doing this and getting on planes that i've only had a couple but i seem to get lucky with the weather but anyways it's supposed to be a doozy
i just read 20 to 30 inches. I mean, holy moly.
Of course, you know, it always says north and west of the city,
which is right where I am, right smack in the middle of it.
But they're talking fucking winds, 40, 50 miles an hour,
a regular Nor'easter.
And I'm supposed to do something for ESPN tomorrow.
I think Gary Gorman's doing a few other comics from Seattle.
I don't know, one of those little roundtable discussion things where we joke and, you know,
we attack the Seahawks and they attack the Patriots.
Gee, I wonder what angle they're going to come at, the Seattle comics.
We're doing it at some restaurant down the Lower East Side.
So there's a car picking me up supposedly
uh 7 45 in the morning and uh and then i gotta you know right after that's done i go to uh
i'm gonna do ron and fez wait a minute why am i telling you this by the time you'll hear this i
done ron and fez and all this stuff. Anyways.
And I will have done, hopefully, Jay Thomas after Ron and Fez.
So I got this whole big lineup.
I'll talk to you like it's Monday.
That I did this afternoon.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
But now they're saying, you know, to get off the roads by 1 o'clock.
Fuck, I won't be done until 4-ish.
Anyways.
I don't know why I brought that up. Maybe'll release this tonight i don't know eventually folks and yes i'm working on it you
guys are asking me on twitter um you know and people saying look we'll be more than happy if
you do it more than once a week to pay for the podcast blah blah it's in and i'll tell you i
gotta tell you man since i've come back from that la trip, it's always in the, you know, on iTunes, it's in the top 50 or 60 since I came
back. So, uh, it's really picked up speed and I got a lot of new followers and, and really kicked
up a lot of dust by going out there. And, um, yeah, so I'm working on it you know again i work for you know riot cast rob sprance and bobby kelly
i did his podcast you guys can watch that one because you know he films that we did that one
live actually that was a lot of fun going down to the uh the comedy cellar right above the comedy
cellar you go up about three four flights and uh bobby's got his thing all set up there and knows what he's doing
got a couple he's got a couple of interns or producers or uh guys that he doesn't pay and
they jack them off i don't know how it works but i met this uh indian kid uh deepu who uh you know
he he's he's actually pointing to a computer.
I go, so where'd you get that one?
Well, I built it.
Oh, you built the computer, huh?
It took me 10 minutes to change a light bulb in the kitchen yesterday.
This fucking kid built a computer that Bobby uses for his podcast.
Unbelievable.
What's with the Indians, huh?
Why are they so much smarter?
What's the deal with the Indians, Asians?
Oh, I built that, you know? Yeah, I built that while I was watching TV, you know? Get out my soldering gun. You got to be shitting me. You built a computer? So, yeah, I'm in
talks with him, and eventually we'll get something going here um this kid knows
his stuff he pulled up all these pictures of what he thinks my set should look like
one of them was of uh tony montana sitting in his big black leather chair with coke all over the
table so maybe that's gonna be my new look wow, my ears are ringing right now. You get that?
Ever turn your head and one of your ears goes dead?
There's a high-pitched whistling.
I mean, I've got that since, you know, since I was a kid.
No doubt I'll be deaf in a while.
But Ted Nugent, I blame it on him, too. I saw him at the Cape Cod Coliseum when I was, like, 14,
which would be 1974 or 75 in that area there and literally did
damage to my left ear uh my ears were and i'm not kidding ringing for a week after i saw him
and it didn't help that the people behind us were ripping the metal bleaches up
and and and like stomping on the metal bleaches they came loose and uh yeah i had i had fucking ear damage and still have it from that concert
at age 14 i blew out one of my ears a little bit like i i switch when i'm on the phone talking to
people i'll switch over because i can hear better thanks to teddy
oh it's so funny i just saw a clip of him on like like on uh huckabee you know
huckabee has a corny show on fox but nuja was playing cat scratch fever and huckabee was playing
bass jesus christ did i feel old this guy used to wear a loincloth and jump off fucking 30 foot
speakers stacked to the ceiling.
That's how his show began.
I'll never forget it.
Just what the doctor ordered.
I still remember the opening song.
Fucking curtains open.
I'm not kidding.
He looked like he was a story and a half standing on these speakers.
It had to be 20 feet.
Jumps off them.
To this day, I don't understand how he didn't break both ankles.
And as soon as he hit the stage, boom, all this fucking smoke.
And he goes into just what the doctor ordered.
When you're a 14-year-old boy that puts hair on your ass.
Oh, that was a wild one.
People were throwing like frigging M-80s and shit from where I was sitting up above.
You know how when they have a concert, they have people standing on the floor?
You know, like where the hockey rink would be?
People were throwing like M-80s and shit into the crowd.
You'd hear a fucking boom and everybody would scatter and a kid would be laying on the ground holding his face.
What the fuck?
Oh my God.
Nobody even said anything.
Imagine now.
Look down at 8,000 kids wearing helmets.
Airplugs.
I'm going to sue you.
That was a wild time.
How did I get on that?
I'm all over the place.
Where's my lineup, Mr. Producer?
I don't have one.
That's right.
Yeah, so buckle up, kids, for the storm. If you're on the East Coast or shovel out.
Again, if I play this after the storm, whatever.
What the hell else?
Go to nickdip.com and get another Senseless Killing, my new special.
It's $8, or if you want to pay more than that, feel free.
And it's going good, man.
It hasn't even come out yet
on iTunes and Amazon
and all that stuff.
Like I said,
it's in the top hundred
as far as pre-orders go
on iTunes.
But go to nicktip.com
and it's only eight bucks
so you'll save yourself
some money,
I'm guessing.
I was going to play a clip from it but I did that last week so the fucking hell with it so yeah gotta be up tomorrow and uh
7 45 they're gonna pick me up and uh we'll do that thing then ron and fez then the j thomas show
dennis miller i'm gonna do on Wednesday. A call in.
I called into Mark Marin.
He's playing that.
On Monday.
Meaning tomorrow.
Or meaning he already played it today.
Why am I fucking this up?
Anyways.
Bobby.
Bobby Kelly's podcast is a blast.
And that Depot kid is.
Very impressive.
He's got some ideas for me.
And then you can watch this show.
You know?
But part of me is going, this is why I love doing this the way it is.
I come down here in my underwear.
You know?
I'm eating a fucking meatball here on.
Get Parmesan on my tits.
And you guys don't know it.
But, you know, if there's a camera
downhill i'll have to wear a three-piece suit and a top hat because that's how i like to uh
to do my radio dress like fucking the butler from family affair uh what
yeah quit referencing shows from the late 60s. Hey, lick my nuts.
Slept like a baby last night, kids.
How about a celebration?
It wasn't pure.
I mean, I had an Advil PM and two Cava pills.
And I had a couple drinks at the gig I did in New Haven, Connecticut.
I'll get to that in a second.
But I watched TV until 10 or 3. Woke up at 10 morning felt good felt spry got up had two cups of coffee and uh did p90x did uh chest shoulders tries tries. And then I walked uphill on a treadmill
for about a half hour.
See, that's what I can do. That's what I'm capable
of doing when I get sleep
like a normal person.
It feels so goddamn good. I feel like
I'm 20 years younger.
And
somebody gave me magnesium. This guy
at the Friday night gig I did
in Riverhead, New York at the Suffolk Theater,
which, by the way, I love.
I love it as much as I do the Ridgefield Playhouse,
this ornate little theater in Riverhead, New York.
It's at the Ascent of Long Island out by Montauk.
And nice turnout, over three, three three three and a half I think and uh I'm thinking
about the next time I shoot something special wise doing it there there or Ridgefield we'll see who
it's more accommodating but uh oh I did I just ate a meatball hero, which means I won't, you know,
I won't move my bowels to Wednesday.
I can't handle bread anymore.
What?
Yeah, let's talk about the weekend.
It was good.
Friday night, yeah, the Suffolk Theater.
And again, when you live in northern Westchester
and the gig's at eight o'clock on a Friday
and you have to go LIE, there's no good time to friggin' leave.
No good time.
But then I remembered how awesome the green room is at this place.
You know?
They have this nice green room with a kitchen and a fridge and a nice long leather couch.
And so I left here at like 10 at 2, got there at like 10 of 4, the gigs at 8,
but I called ahead and said, have somebody let me in, which they did, and I hadn't slept the night
before, I was just friggin miserable, and get there, it was beautiful, I said to the people,
I go, look man, I got a pounding headache from not sleeping, they go, come on up to the green,
they bring me the, this guy broke out two new blankets like blankets you throw over like
equipment when i went to rock band but they were right out of the package of a brand new
wrap myself up in two of those shut the lights in the green room and and honest to god even with
all that i nodded off for about i'd say say, nine minutes, ten minutes tops.
I mean, what the fuck is that?
Totally exhausted, can't sleep.
So, got about ten minutes in, which is sometimes all you need, you know.
Then I walked across the street and had the worst Greek salad I've ever had in my life at this diner.
Girl brings me the Greek salad, and it's covered in ranch dress.
Who the fuck puts ranch dressing on Greek salad?
Riverheads of... I guess it was a real thriving town years ago, but now it's kind of run down.
That's what I said when I got on stage.
This town, I walked around in your town a little bit.
This town has
the same feeling of a mall that white people used to go to that's how the town feels uh
they were cracking up but it's a like i said it's a cute little theater man
be ideal for shooting something um maybe a patron uh so yeah nice crowd turns out and um had my girl kendrick cunningham she's a
boston chick who i met when i did the uh stress factory vinnie brand stress factory a couple
months ago remember i told you she was the uh opening i'd never seen her before. And she has a nice sarcastic streak.
Typical Massachusetts attitude.
I call her like a female.
She's like a modern day Mae West.
She's kind of a, you know, buxom blonde with a sarcastic streak.
She's great.
She's got good, subtle, funny shit.
she's great, she's got good, subtle, funny shit, and, well, she lives in Brooklyn, so she,
she left at four, she left Brooklyn at four, just to give you an idea of traffic,
she got to the, she got to the theater about 7.30, quarter 7 30 or whatever i think she said she left it for it was four hours it took her four hours to get to the theater sitting in that shit on the lie
oh i zip right down there i don't give a shit if i was there four hours early like i said
you know i pulled off and uh on the down, I pulled off to take a piss
in the woods and I'm pissing and I smell something horrendous.
I'm like, am I dying?
Is that my prostate cancer?
What's that smell?
And I look about three feet to my right and there's a deer carcass, no head on it.
The body's still there and the spine's coming through the back and like the behind legs were just bones
so there was no head apparently that's the delicious part that's the appetizer and the spine
was sticking through the skin completely somebody was chomping on that somebody something
and uh yeah i was peeing like three feet from it, I thought I, you know, that's how paranoid I
am about my health, I thought it was my urine, and, uh, anyways, great gig, thank you, uh, people for
coming out, and Gary, I hope you are listening, um, but Kendra was, uh, really funny, and I gotta
tell you something funny she did unintentionally she goes out there
they introduce her you know from the back mic she goes out she pulls the microphone out of the stand
hits herself in the fucking mouth and draws blood I didn't see it I'm in the green room doing
whatever I'm doing finishing my 10th uh jack and ginger ale I just don't like
what I do anymore and uh so yeah about five minutes after she starts I go you know I go to
the side of the stage in the wings as they say Broadway figs and uh I see her dabbing her lip
she goes I'm really bleeding and it and it threw her off a little bit you could see he was fine she kept touching her lip and and and when something like that happens you're
really self-conscious like can these people see that i'm bleeding and and she was frigging and i
go what the fuck happened i asked the guy who's watching he's like i don't know and it turns out
she like just caught herself just right with the microphone. Kendra, I don't mean to laugh.
Oh my God. If I saw that, the reason I'm laughing is Kevin Meaney used to do this silly thing.
All right. I'm getting a message on my computer here. I'm going to make sure I'm still recording.
Hold on. It said, click to set the groove track. What i earth wind and fucking fire the hell does that even mean yeah i'm not gonna click anything anyways uh kevin mean you see this
silly thing he did it i don't know if he still does it but he did it for about 10 years when
he'd come out you know after they introduced him and he'd go to pull the mic and pretend it
hit him in the eye you know like real like real loud. Ow, my eye!
And it would kill every friggin' time.
So if I, if I, I'm glad I didn't see her hit herself in the mouth.
Because that would, that's the type of shit that I told you.
Makes me laugh till I shit my pants.
Somebody falling, you know, on ice or a friend of yours.
Remember this kid, Billy Correa, a friend of mine?
Correa, Billy Correa. he's a heavyset a little
overweight me and him were riding our bikes real slow just leaning with all our weight on handlebars
on like a hot summer day and you know we were uh just talking and pedaling real slow in the middle
of the street and his front tire hit some sand and he fucking just fell right on his face i couldn't
sleep for a week i was laughing so fucking hard. His fingers are all bloody
because the handlebars pinched his...
I find that funny.
I don't know why.
I'm sure you do too.
If you don't, you're dead inside.
Anyway, she smacked herself in the mouth
and she was really bleeding.
You know how I know that?
Because when I went out there,
there was blood on the microphone.
So I go, hey, what are we doing?
Are we doing a benefit for a woman's shelter? You know, i got a pretty good laugh and of course some ladies were appalled and
i said please welcome janae rice everybody and you know did eight minutes on uh domestic violence
but uh you gotta you gotta run with it the the kid uh next to the stage the stage hand said i
he explained to me what happened he was like i'm gonna go out when she comes off and change the mic because you know there's i said no no no no no no no no no don't touch nothing
there's a very delicate balance at a comedy show okay she's gonna she's gonna bring me it's called
piggybacking when the act before you brings you right up there's no mc and if somebody runs out
and switches the fuck it's all it takes and then the audience is going what the fuck just i don't
want to break the rhythm.
She's got a nice thing going and she was getting good laughs and shit.
And I want to make fun of the blood on the mic.
You got to use what's there.
Anyways, let's play a little, a little Kendrick Cunningham.
Give her a little ink on the show.
Cause I think she, you're going to hear from her.
I think she's pretty damn funny if she keeps writing.
And, um, got got a couple clips here.
Here's one of them.
Good.
I knew I was gaining weight because I noticed guys checking out my beer belly.
You know what I mean?
And I'd be like, hey, my tits are up here.
Let's focus on the positive people.
Please.
But I have.
I've been trying to do the feminine thing.
I feel like I'm getting the look down,
but not so much the personality to go with it.
I was walking down the street the other day,
and this guy was like, you look gorgeous.
And I was like, thanks, buddy.
No quicker way to stop a pickup process
than a bud that occurred.
Thanks, buddy.
I might as well have said,
oh, thank God I look good,
because these jeans are really making my balls itch.
And it would have the same effect as a Kurt.
Thanks, buddy.
She still has a little bit of residue of that Massachusetts like I do,
the mass accent.
But, yeah, she did well.
Very well. Smacked us off in the face reminds me of this guy
girl i'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in
that's tony zaprano talking about his son uh yeah so uh i'd do this gig in a second again
the guy the first time I did it,
I guess he's new to book and comedy.
The owner wanted me to come back in like three months,
and we're like, well, it doesn't work that way.
But you know what?
Maybe it does, because if you wait eight to ten months,
I think the people forget.
If they had a great time, it just dissipates or whatever.
I'm starting to question that philosophy um let's play another
uh kendrick cunningham clip he was one of these guys he liked to watch porno you know what i mean
and i'm not into it you know what i mean i feel like i watch porno like black people watch
horror films you know i'm screaming at the screen like he's not really there to deliver pizza
he's gonna really there to deliver pizza.
He's gonna try to fuck you.
It's terrible.
It is.
I don't know. I get very cranky when I don't have sex, though.
I gotta tell you, I feel like I almost see confrontation where it doesn't really exist.
You know what I mean?
Like, I went to the gynecologist the other day and she said to me,
you know, Kendra, before we get started,
is there any chance of you being pregnant?
And I was like, go fuck yourself.
Really?
I don't appreciate the sarcasm. Let's just get to the pap smear, if you don't mind.
Just get good shit.
Pap smear. What the hell goes on in a pap smear? the hell goes on a pap smear
sounds like a bear out of milwaukee have a pap smear with your dinner
um so that was uh friday night saturday night was the uh sports haven which is kind of like
a casino i don't know what the hell it was like a casino. I don't know. What the hell? It was like a casino slash.
I don't know, but it wasn't a casino, but it was.
I don't know, but it was in New Haven and it was a good gig.
This guy, Brad Axelrod, because you can do these one nighters, you know, and get a lot done.
You work on new shit.
You don't care.
Who cares how you're doing in New Haven or in Riverhead?
That's the whole idea.
And you get paid decently, hopefully.
And again, there was three plus, I think.
But it was in a big, like a casino.
And in other words,
there were giant flat screen TVs everywhere,
like way across the room, a big round room,
but the, the people were facing me, thank God, and the TVs were like behind them,
so, you know, in between jokes, I'd look up and go, oh, good, I have a fucking rusty nipple on
the third, and I just thought, and everybody turned around, I started watching those,
you know, those chariot race things, I don't know what they call them. It's a horse with a guy in a carriage on the back like Ben Hur.
So I was just, you know, I was doing play-by-play
and giving the horses dirty, filthy names
and, you know, acting like an eighth grader and getting paid for it.
And I'll continue to do that until I look stupid,
which is probably about a week ago.
But the sports haven, I get there early, you know,
as usual. I'm like my boy Vince Lombardi said, you know, he said, get there, get everywhere 15
minutes before you have to be there. I sort of do that. I know that's very white of me, very anal,
but I get there and I like to relax in my car, you know. I'll play, what I'll do is I have my,
you know, I record every night when I go
on stage with my iPhone. I record the show the next day or the next couple days. I listen to it
and make notes. And that's how you, that's how you do it if you're serious about it. And a lot of
times I'll listen to the show I did the night before on the way to the gig, you know. And if
I get there early, I'll recline my seat back in the parking lot and uh listen so
i'm doing that and then a truck pulls up i see like an suv pull up two two parking spots down
from you know there's a car in between us and i see a bunch of young guys get in it and get out
of it i should say and i'm kind of looking out the corner of my eye and and i and i thought i
heard one of them say they thought that was me what i'm like oh fuck and um they get out of their suvs or whatever and
they drink and they're drinking beer in like the parking lot i think they were smoking a joint i'm
not sure but i'm like oh good they don't they don't really i just like to you know i like to
relax and go in right before i'm supposed to go on. That's how I like to do it. Or get there four hours early if, you know, if I have to deal with traffic.
But I'm in the parking lot and sure enough,
kid comes over and knocks on the window.
Hey, you want Nick?
Big fan.
You want a beer?
It's like 30 degrees out.
These guys are like tailgating.
And I'm like, I'm all set.
Thanks.
And then when I get on stage i look to my
right and guess who's there it's like five guys right in the front row and they were friends with
the the guy who was emceeing i think this guy vince an older guy and i think they knew him
or something it was very odd but um yeah good gig people well behave for the most part one little disruption
i went into my cancer bit about you know cell phones giving you cancer and i you know i think
it's on the new special i think i say oh steve jobs you know i think all that stuff gives you
cancer my friends i say that's bullshit you know and. And I'd go, well, how did Steve Jobs die?
Was it dandruff?
I don't think so.
Apple a day on my ass, blah, blah, blah.
And then I look out and you see people on their phones.
And, you know, I hope that's true.
They fucking cause cancer.
But then I'm making jokes about it.
And then I see a blonde girl out of the corner of my eye get up from a back table,
start walking towards the middle of the room.
I'm playing to my left, and I can see her out of my right eye.
That's right.
I can control them separately.
And I see her starting to walk towards him.
I go, what?
And I knew right away it had to be the cancer stuff.
And I see Brad try to cut her off.
Brad Axelrod, the guy that runs the gigs so i know right away
she's pissed about it and sure enough so i can't ignore it anymore because everybody's looking at
her and i go okay what you know i just still want anything i want to know why you think it you know
that you can be disrespectful my mother has cancer somebody she knew has cancer and
and again if she didn't have a few drinks and i'm guessing she did she
wouldn't get the nerve to get up and do that and and and there's a whole generation who you know
who've been raised in this politically correct time that we live in who really believe they
have the right they think it's in the constitution they have the right not to be offended
well my my sister i can't hear i think she said her mother or sister has cancer
and that's not so i said okay so but you are right when i was making fun of the homeless people and i
was doing the Ebola shit i guess your family isn't homeless and that that's funny to you
and you know people got that the rest of the crowd i mean how do you fucking really what am i supposed to do uh
get all your emails before the show get all the reservations can i have these people's emails go
over their medical history so i don't offend them don't you see if that's how it worked we couldn't
make we couldn't do comedy at all i have people with cancer in my family, okay? I'm not saying that you shouldn't be.
I'm just saying.
Okay, let's say I'm saying something offensive.
You got to sit there and take it a little bit.
Or get up and make a spectacle of yourself and be asked to leave.
But she was young and, you know, it's like, Christ ah christ really you don't know how comedy works
i mean what the fuck and that's the thing the longer you do comedy but that's what
separates comics from even as a kid i found dark shit funny you know
and you forget when you do it so long and hang out with the comics well you get kind of jaded
but i realize when i make a cancer joke or a joke about aids or somebody dying in a hurricane i
realize there's people in the fucking audience who have personal life experiences with the shit i'm
talking about but i also also am hoping and which is the case most of the time, that you're mature enough to realize that this is bound to happen if I go to a comedy club.
And if you don't know that by now, you're fucking retarded.
Now, right now, I just offended some people with mentally challenged kids.
But they can't call in because I don't have a phone here.
This is a podcast.
It's tape delay.
Anyways, how about that snowstorm today?
Was that a bitch?
Now I'm trying to make up for it.
I was frigging stranded.
I hope not.
So, yeah, New Haven, good gig.
You know, started at 9, bing, bang.
I was home by, I don't know, midnight.
Beautiful. good gig you know started at nine bing bang i was home by i don't know midnight beautiful came home cracked a cracked open a heineken light watch ufc
and uh
watched snl with uh i don't know some country and western guy blake shelton is with, I don't know, some country and western guy.
Blake Shelton?
Is that right?
I don't know.
It was actually pretty funny.
The writing is starting to get much better.
I think it's Colin Jost.
I think he knows what he's doing.
Some of this shit was pretty clever.
Pretty smart shit.
It takes a while with the new cast members until you get used to them.
Anyways.
What the hell else do I want to talk about?
So that was the weekend.
What's going on sports-wise?
Nothing.
Been very quiet.
No big stories.
Ha ha ha!
I'm only kidding.
Ah, fucking deflate gate.
Get out of here
with that shit.
Oh my God,
you patriot haters.
I'll tell you
who I'm really disappointed in.
Look, I've been around
long enough.
I know the world's going to rally disappointed in. Look, I've been around long enough.
I know the world's going to rally,
which is actually beneficial to the Pats.
Belichick's such a genius,
he probably came up with this whole thing.
Because now it's really us against the world.
And that's exactly the mentality you want in a locker room for the biggest game of your lives.
I'm not saying that's how it came about,
but I'm saying it could work to their benefit.
But I'm really disappointed in the New York Post writers,
these guys that just hate, you know, because they have to cover the Jets.
That's their beat.
And it's been embarrassing since we stole Belichick from the Jets.
And they just have a real hate on for Belichick and Brady and the Patriots and the fucking Spygate.
Let it go, okay?
Because everybody was doing what Belichick was doing.
And I'm not saying what he was doing back then.
He'd get caught, you know.
But there were coaches defending him.
I remember, you know, Bill Cowher and Jimmy Johnson and a couple of other active coaches saying he wasn't doing anything that we all weren't doing or whatever.
But then you get these New York writers who just Bella cheat and blah, blah, blah.
Oh, yeah, let's not bring up the fact that fucking Andy Pettit and Rodriguez were juicing.
That's not cheating.
Really?
Ask yourself this.
Stick to what the crime was.
The air and the football.
That was the crime, folks.
They were underinflated.
And then that was corrected at halftime.
And the Pats had a better second half.
So, okay, that argument's gone.
That's that.
What else you got?
What else?
Yeah, but they still attempted. That's how empty What else you got? What else? Yeah, but they still attempted.
That's how empty we are as a society.
It's all we got.
You know?
You know, if those balls were properly inflated
in the first half,
I think the Colts would have won by two touchdowns,
don't you?
Come on.
We ran all over them.
And then I saw Billy Burry.
He made a great point about Ursae, the frigging owner of the Colts,
when the Pats beat them in an AFC championship game like 10 years ago.
I heard Billy on, might have been on Simmons' show,
somebody saying, you know, we beat them in the AFC championship game.
And remember Ursae made this big stink about the Patriots defensive backs were jamming their receivers
at the line, so they changed the rules the next year because he sits on the rules committee,
which is a great point. That's not, it's like having, you know, John Gotti, if I can sit on
the board of Johnson & Johnson. Come on, are you shitting me? So, and then Belichick, which I believe.
And even some of the guys that hate Belichick were giving him the benefit of the doubt on TV.
But they had trouble.
And here's the other thing.
Was it Mark Brunel and Troy Aikman?
They're almost like catty girls.
They don't like, like Troy Aikman, who I like.
He's a great quarterback, and I think he's one of the best guys in the booth. Troy Aikman. They're almost like catty girls. They don't like, like Troy Aikman, who I like. He's a great quarterback and he's, I think he's one of the best guys in the booth, Troy
Aikman, as far as football goes. How can I talk about football and not play this?
But Troy gets a little catty, you know, because he was the golden boy. Now, Tom Brady is prettier and a better quarterback than he ever was.
And he gets a little catty.
I just can't believe Tom.
Okay, prove it.
But we're talking about it.
We're talking about it.
They're talking about it.
Literally, like the Pats broke into Seattle's, you know, stole their playbook.
And it's not like the Saints did and we bugged the room where the opposing offensive coordinator sits or whatever.
I mean, it's really.
And again, and here's the biggest point.
If it wasn't the Patriots, nobody would even be talking about it.
Imagine if this happened in the first round of the playoffs, Carolina.
Would we still be talking about it?
People didn't even know this fucking rule existed.
That's how benign it is.
But, you know, it came at the worst time, didn't it?
I mean, two weeks before, you know, you get that week off of the Super Bowl.
So now they're going to just talk about this to death.
And I'm going to have to join in when I do the ESPN thing because I'm guessing.
By the way, we're going to record for like a couple hours.
This is kind of a roundtable, you know, bullshit session.
They're going to use two minutes of it.
That's how TV works, folks.
Give you an idea.
But if it was anybody else, this wouldn't even be an issue
it's really friggin silly and um it sure and hell ain't gonna hurt the ratings right the nfl it's
just like a it's a it's a year-round soap opera it just stuff like this only helps viewership.
So, and yes, I don't want to hear another fucking, you know, Cialis joke,
inflated balls, bump, bump, bump.
Cialis doesn't even inflate your balls.
It fucking inflates the shaft.
I know, I've used it for 21 years now. It started a, no.
But enough of the dick and ball jokes.
Let's listen to the son of God, Tom Brady,
because the press was going after him a little bit.
I play Belichick, but Jesus.
Not exactly going to lighten up the podcast.
We'll go from there.
When and how do you alter the balls?
When and how do you supposedly alter the balls i did did you just hear that question when and how did you supposedly alter the ball
is that guy serious or is he or maybe he's doing tom brady a favor and giving him an out what's
tom gonna go well it was about about right after they checked the balls.
The refs checked the balls.
The officials from the NFL checked two hours and 15 minutes before game time.
I wait around the corner, and I have Kevin O'Malley, the ball boy that we use,
hand him to me, and I use the thing that you use, the needle.
And I, you know, I thought that was a fucking dumb question.
You know, I didn't hold alter the ball in any way.
I have a process that I go through before every game where I go in
and I pick the balls that I want to, the footballs that I want to use for the game.
Our equipment guys do a great job of breaking the balls in.
You know, they have the process that they go through.
When I pick those balls out, at that point, to me, they're perfect.
I don't want anyone touching the balls after that.
I don't want anyone rubbing them, putting in the air in them,
taking the air out.
To me, those balls are perfect,
and that's what I expect when I show up on the field.
So that happened, obviously, on Sunday night.
It was the same process that I always go through.
I didn't think anything of it.
Obviously, I woke up Monday morning and answered a question on the radio about it,
and that was the first I really heard of it.
What do you think happened? answered a question on the radio about it. And that was the first I really heard of it. Tom, you never saw the Alexander from MSU.
What do you think happened?
This has raised a lot of uncomfortable conversations
with people around this country who view you,
three-time Super Bowl champion and two-time MVP,
as their idol.
The question they're asking themselves is,
what's up with our hero?
So can you answer right now, is Tom Brady a cheater?
What's up with our hero?
You hear the fucking snarky attitude. What's up with our hero? You hear the fucking snarky attitude.
What's up with our hero? Yeah, I'm sure that's how people who look up to him as an idol.
I'm sure that's how, you know, thousands of 12 year old boys, that's how they worded.
Hey, what's up with our hero? Just snarky generation Jagoff.
generation jagoff?
I don't believe so.
I mean, I feel like I've always played within the rules.
I would never do anything to break the rules.
They ask him if he's a cheater. I believe in fair play and I respect the league and, you know,
everything that they're doing to try to create a very competitive playing
field for all the NFL teams.
It's a very competitive league.
You know, every team is trying to
do the best they can to win every week.
I believe in fair play and
I'll always believe in it for as long as I'm playing.
And then we do have a clip
of the ass Belichick and he replied
he actually had a little more to life
to him than I actually
somebody asked him about if he
deflated the balls or had
anything to do with it.
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Why aren't
more people interrogating, like me?
Ah, your sister's ass.
But really,
if it wasn't
the Pats, nobody would even give a shit
don't you wish the world had a sense of humor though
like let's say the Pats
the Pats win the coin toss
and they always
choose to kick off first
they defer
wouldn't it be funny though
if you know,
Kotzkowski lines up
with a kickoff
and he backs up from the tee
and he's got a ball
and it's only like
three inches tall
stuck in the tee.
Just as a little joke,
a little levity
to break the tension.
The whole world's watching.
It's like a pink,
one of those little
pink footballs you'd
give your niece for her birthday now that would be funny wouldn't it sure it would i'm writing
comedy so um but yeah the new york writers just make me fucking mike francesa i was listening
friday yeah well you know i i talked to a lot of, you know, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Carolina Panthers, even the Rams.
These are the three teams that Brady beat.
And they all think the Patriots cheated.
And it doesn't get any more specific than that, really.
You know?
Fucking got to be kidding me.
See, that's the world we live in, folks see that's the world we live in folks that's the times we live in the uh the obama mentality where let's attack people who are successful
let's attack people who are good you know romney very successful just a joke um you know next thing
they'll be invoking white privilege for Brady. And that's what we do.
We love to build people up, don't we?
And then tear them down.
Somehow, if somebody's really successful, that means somebody has to be a victim of that success.
It's a zero-sum game.
That's the mentality in this frigging country.
You know, let's go after them.
If you're a billionaire, you run a corporation,
that means you're a tax cheat automatically.
It's sort of the same mentality.
And it's caught on.
It's the zeitgeist of the times.
And I'm praying.
Now I'm praying the fucking Pats win.
Wouldn't I love to see them win big, too?
Now there's a lot riding on it, you know?
It's going to be a hell of a ball game, by the way. Like I said in the last podcast,
Russell Wilson. Of course he's an athlete. Of course he's a great athlete. I was just
thinking he's named after two athletic companies, Russell and Wilson. But a bunch. I mean, that
guy scares me with his running and throwing ability.
You know what I mean?
That's what worries me.
Marshawn, got to control that beast too.
Maybe we'll put some rat poison in his skittles.
See him carping those up.
But enough of the flake gate, okay?
Fucking Ursae.
Is it Jim Ursae?
He'll be changing the rules next year.
But the, uh, but the other good point, and a lot of people made this point on both sides,
is it really is odd.
Weren't you surprised when you read about all this that, you know,
both teams have a different set of balls and shit, and they're kind of silly?
You know, both teams have a different set of balls and shit, and they're kind of silly. You know, the one thing that should be standard issued,
and I'm sure that's going to be the case, the new rule.
So this type of shenanigans, if any shenanigans went on,
and then people brought weather into it, and, you know,
then people go, well, the Colts, how come the balls they were using weren't to fly?
I don't know.
Were the ones the Patriots using, were they outside?
You know what I mean?
A lot longer before the game than the ones the visiting team brings out?
I don't know the answers to all these frigging things.
But either way, like I said, it's not like they stole a playbook or something.
What are you saying, Nick?
You're encouraging cheating?
You don't know that they cheated.
I don't think it made much of a difference when LeGarrette Blount is running over your chest.
How much air is in the ball?
Know what I'm saying? What the hell else? But it's funny. So yeah, so Belichick has his black cloud, like he's the evil guy. Meanwhile, you get Pete Carroll, who he took
off out of USC because the NCAA was up his ass.
Remember the whole Reggie Bush thing and him getting, he got like three players,
three of his players at USC, intern jobs at sports marketing companies, and Bush was selling his paraphernalia.
Remember that whole scandal?
None of these guys are clean.
You know, remember?
Pete Carroll couldn't get out p carol couldn't get out of usc uh fast enough and soon as he got to the seahawks all that shit went down
when they banned from a couple bowl games or whatever and scholarships were taken away
so let's not pretend you know belichick's the only one here pushing the envelope
but i love how he gives the media nothing
with that personality.
I try to make it as hard as I can
on my players.
I muddy the ball up. I make it wet.
I make it slippery.
He doesn't give them anything though, does he?
Anyways,
should be a good one, shouldn't it?
What else, kids? Since I talked to you last?
Romney?
Mitt Romney?
I disagree.
Everybody's like, oh, you had your chance.
Really?
Is that how we do it, even on this guy?
And I'm not a huge fan because he's not far enough right for me.
I want somebody a little more Mussolini-like.
You know what I mean?
But, you know, if the whole idea is to reach across the aisle, how would you argue he's not, you know.
I mean, he demolished Obama in both the fucking debates, but he choked.
He didn't bring up Benghazi.
But the point is, he's a good and decent man.
Have you ever seen anybody at his level, a politician with that high profile who has no skeletons?
He's got nothing to hide.
And they did a documentary on him on Netflix.
He's like a real family man.
I just think he'd make
a great president. Because he's a
great businessman and it's what we need.
And don't believe the economy is
great. All that fucking horseshit
from the mainstream media. If you count
the people who quit looking for jobs,
we're at about 12 to 13%
unemployment. So let's stop acting
like, oh, we're out of the woods.
So we need a good businessman
and he's a decent man but he's uh he's actually too liberal for me i kind of like and i said this
before i kind of but the people oh he had his chance what the fuck does that mean we need a
leader right now that's the excuse the world is burning i don't know if you've looked around
it's falling apart because we've taken a back seat with our shitty foreign policy and uh our current president who uh i could
beat him in a game of risk if i can blindfold it but uh oh romney had his chance what does that
fucking mean what if he what if he's the best guy we go through all these um debates again and all
this whole long process and he's the best guy we're go through all these debates again and all this whole long process,
and he's the best guy.
I'm not going to vote for him because he had his chance.
But I think Rand Paul is going to be this.
What's his name?
Scott Walker.
Guy from Wisconsin that took on the unions and shit.
Very impressive guy.
Very impressive guy. Very impressive.
Him and Rand Paul,
I think the younger kids
like Rand Paul, you know?
But as far as foreign policy,
he's like his old man.
He's like an isolationist.
I don't know if that shit's gonna fly
with fucking ISIS
moving across the globe
like Red Ants.
moving across the globe like Red Ant.
But the younger people like Rand Paul, you know?
But Jeb Bush, no thank you.
I've had enough of the Bushes.
And he's a great governor, I guess.
There's even Democrats say he's a great governor, Jeb. There's even Democrats say he's a great governor.
Jeb.
He's the brightest of all the Bushes.
So I think the old man was the best,
but we don't need another Bush.
And fucking Hillary.
Oh, she's not even good at being phony anymore.
They asked her about the Keystone Pipeline.
Well, I'm not going to comment on that right now.
Ooh, how to have some balls.
Ugh.
She fucking flew around the world and got, you know, 10,000 frequent flyer points.
Secretary of State.
They talk about it like she's Thatcher.
P.O., take your saggy tits and your fucking Clydesdale ankles and get the hell out of here.
She's just, she's one out.
Me and Bill were broke,
when we came out of the White House, we were literally in debt, and thank you everybody,
good night, she comes off the stage, somebody hands her a check for half a million dollars for giving that speech, so yeah, politics wise, it's, God god i try to watch meet the press and and and uh steppenopolis
it just so i i love how you know all the media is not biased you could say steppenopolis who was
fucking you know clinton's right-hand man for eight years and he hosts he hosts you know one
of those sunday morning shows is an unbiased opinion, huh? And then Chuck Todd. Oh, they can't even fake it.
It's so insulated in Washington.
They don't even realize how silly it looks to the rest of us.
That's, yeah, that's that.
Look at it snowing out there.
Again, I don't know what I'm going to play this.
They're talking about a doozy it's a 20
to 30 inches uh entertainment wise i watched uh you know what birdman i'm part of these screen
actors guild so they send us these things they send us us this in the mail. But some of the movie companies, they don't do that.
Some of these big companies, they have you, you have to go onto their site and stream the movie.
That's how I watched Foxcatcher and a couple other ones.
And when it streams, it doesn't stream that well, that smooth.
And it gets a little choppy.
And, you know, all of a sudden the people are moving in fast motion.
Can you imagine?
This is how they want you to see their product?
A lot of this internet shit's not ready for primetime.
This is the SAG Awards, you know.
They send these discs out.
They want you to vote on them and shit.
These are the movies.
But you have to stream them using their server or whatever.
And some of the time, it doesn't even work.
It looks shitty.
The quality's not that good.
Can you imagine?
Dopes.
But the best one I saw, Birdman, so far.
I loved it.
I was always Michael Keaton.
I always liked him.
And he's really good in this.
And so is Norton.
Is it Ed Norton?
What's his name?
Wait a minute, that was Ralph's buddy.
That was a good movie.
Yeah, I suggest Birdman.
I watched Cake with Jennifer Aniston.
And the big thing was, you know, she plays a woman who's, you know,
she doesn't have any makeup on and she's got scars on her face from an accident
and hooked on drugs and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It was all right.
You know, it wasn't, I didn't feel much for her character.
And it's hard for me to say, because I love Jennifer Aniston,
love her, but, uh, she can act, she was good, but it wasn't, uh, I don't think it's that role that,
you know, she thought was going to put her over the top, so we could look at her as a serious actress or should i say actor i don't want to be sexist
um that was all right
uh when i went to do i did you know opie and jimmy norton's radio show
last week and uh i mentioned whiplash and roland handed me a
a disc.
I haven't looked at it yet.
American Sniper, haven't seen it yet.
But it broke all kinds of records this weekend,
Broke all kinds of records this weekend,
which, of course, pissed off the Michael Moores and Seth Rogans of the world.
And, of course, Michael Moore had to make some stupid comment
how snipers are cowards
because his uncle was killed by a sniper in World War II.
So I'm just a left-wing douche, you know, just a douche.
I mean, even you got Whoopi Goldberg
telling Michael Moore
to shut his fat yap.
But they can't stand the fact
that a movie that they probably
consider jingoistic and patriotic,
everything they fucking hate,
is just, you know,
it's blowing all their garbage
out of the water
right in liberal Hollywood.
Of course, Clint Eastwood
doesn't even get a nod
for Best director.
But.
It's up to 200.1 mil.
Through Sunday.
Over the weekend it made 64.4 million dollars.
At 3705 theaters.
And it's the third highest weekend ever in January.
So it is just. I heard it's a great movie.
You know?
Can't wait to see it.
But Michael Moore and Seth Rogen.
The minute I heard their comments, their tweets,
I thought of Nicholson and a few good men.
Who's going to do it?
You, Moore?
You, Lieutenant Rogan?
I'd rather you just put your, just say thank you.
People don't know how to run a fucking country.
I had that clip pulled up, but I couldn't find it.
What an ass.
But, yeah, so that's, it's kicking ass.
And then Johnny Depp's got another bomb.
Mordecai.
Little tip for you people in Hollywood.
Name a movie Mordecai.
Really think that's going to fucking play to the working class?
People sitting, guy looking at his,
trying to decide what him and his wife are going to do that night.
They're in Cincinnati.
What's this?
What the hell does that even mean?
We're not going to go see that.
That one brought in 4.1 mil.
Gwyneth Paltrow was on that bomb.
Woo. one brought in 4.1 mil. Gwyneth Paltrow was in that bomb. Woo!
Yeah, so that's
I don't know if I talked
about Foxcatcher, how good Carell was
as that crazy DuPont guy.
Johnny DuPont.
Michael, how do you feel?
I want to be a leader of men to support you, man, because I think it's important.
Corral is something else, man.
So, yeah.
I got to get out there.
I don't like going to movie theaters.
You know how I am.
I told you that last week.
I just, I mean, I love the,
I love the big screen.
I just, I'm always distracted
by somebody eating popcorn
two feet behind me.
Like a fucking horse
that just did a pound of blow
and somebody put a bag of Doritos
in front of him.
Chomping away.
Or a cell phone. Or aappity you-know-what.
You know, chick on a phone yapping away with a...
I get too distracted too easily.
I'll go on like a Sunday night
and I'll find a small town in Connecticut
that nobody's ever heard of.
Me and my wife did that once.
Up by where she grew up.
It was like a Sunday night.
It was me and her
and they let us in
they didn't shut the thing down
imagine that
me, her, and the guy
the projector
guy's like you ready
you got your milk duds
let's roll it
it's fucking great
um
that's about it
working on some bits
got this thing about karma
I kind of believe in karma
and people ask me
I don't have children
and I say with all the shit
all the trash I talk about
people on stage
over the 20 something years
that's why I'm afraid
to have kids
you know I could just see my wife
the doctor's pulling the baby out
oh it's a
it's a black it's a out oh it's a it's a black
it's a black baby uh it's a midget it's got cancer and it's got a birthmark like a crescent moon on
its ass and three fingers growing out of its foot didn't you do a bit about a guy with fingers on
his foot back in the funny bone in 1999, Mr. DiPaolo?
Haven't done the Jaws thing in a long time.
You know, getting blown by the girl with sharp teeth.
I tell it like Quint.
Haven't, I kind of abandoned that.
I don't know why.
It was just coming into, coming into focus.
These are a bunch of premises.
I got food trucks.
It's a fucking obsession with eating food.
I always wanted to have fish tacos out of the back of a ford f-150
i don't want to uh i don't i don't want to i like the idea of the establishment
i'm eating and can outrun the fucking the health uh inspector if he pulls up in his car
um trust me haven't he's not developed i'm just throwing him
out there couldn't decide what to get my wife um on a anniversary my buddy's like why don't you go
to that that jared's place and cut to me handing her the next day, handing her a $5 foot long with pickles and black olives.
What?
Mama?
What the hell else?
If you see something, say something.
Let's talk about that today.
Don't you feel, doesn't that make you feel safe, huh?
What a philosophy to protect us
from terrorism. If you see something, say something. Could that statement be a little
more broad? It's the point it pisses me off so much I actually call the number and go,
yeah, hello, 311 hotline. Yeah, I saw something. I'd like to say something.
I saw a butterfly landing on a guy's hat.
uh i saw a butterfly lending a guy's hat sir this is an emergency line yeah well you didn't fucking you weren't specific i saw something
and that's what i saw click bling hello 311 emergency holler uh yeah i saw something i'd
like to say something i saw a young fella putting too much relish on his hot dog. Hello?
And, hello, 311, emergency hotline.
Yeah, I'd like to, I saw something.
I'd like to say something. I saw five Middle Eastern guys taking a box out of the back of a minivan.
It said pressure cooker on.
The woman actually said to me,
uh, do you think it's an explosive device, sir?
No, I think we all know how much Muslims love pulled pork.
And that's what they're going to whip up.
You know what that joke did?
It just made me sad.
And you blew it!
You blew it!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
What else?
The jury system.
Great system.
You get three lawyers, went to Ivy League schools,
200 years worth of education.
I wonder if they can confuse a 68-year-old Dominican cleaning woman
on the jury
who was fired from the Red Roof Inn
because she couldn't fucking master the hospital corner technique.
Miley Cyrus saw her and I said, maybe the Taliban has a point.
Has to be a happy medium between throwing acid in a schoolgirl's face, and Miley Cyrus twerking.
I, uh,
talking about how I have a lot in common with old people now.
Because I'm lazy.
I'm thinking about having my Tud remodeled.
You know, old people have that door?
So they don't have to step into the tub.
You just open that door.
I'm going to get that done, I think.
And I saw a commercial for catheters.
I actually wrote down the 800 number because I piss at 4 in the morning.
Maybe I can weld 10 of these together.
Going from my prick to the toilet.
I won't have to get up. If they don't work, I'll give ten of these together. Go from my prick to the toilet. I won't have to get up.
If they don't work, I'll give them to my nephew.
He can make a nice bong.
Well, kids.
That's about it.
Um.
Hope you survived the storm.
Um. I got nothing else, I guess.
It's a sad song, isn't it?
For the love of Pete.
Well, that about wraps it up.
Jesus Christ. 9 14 already
how is that possible where's the time going i will talk to you in a week and yeah i'm more
you know we're kicking it around i got like i said i get robert kelly's guy on it and uh
eventually maybe we'll like i say get a camera in here start doing these things live and stuff
uh a lot of expense to it, though.
You know what I mean?
And let's be honest.
I don't have Liberace money.
But thanks for keeping this thing going.
You guys have been great.
Liberace, tell them how I feel.
I love you for helping me to construct my life.
Not a tavern, but a temple.
I love you because you have done so much to make me happy.
You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign.
You have done it by just being yourself.
Perhaps, after all, that is what love means.
And that is why I love you.
Girl, I'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in.
Goodbye, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.