The Nick DiPaolo Show - 069 - Tough Week for Lib Media

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Tough Week for Lib Media

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hey, hey, kids. What's up? After four hours of preparation, that should have taken 28 minutes. Jesus. Nick DiPaolo coming at you with 2 hours and 48 minutes of sleep, exactly. It's back. It went away for a while. It's back with a vengeance.

The fucking insomnia that is haunting my life. Very weird because I did an episode of Louie's show this week, and the episode was about Louie not being able to sleep and having nightmares which is a little different um but that what that was the scene that we talked about and how um you know as you get older you just i just read a whole article about uh you know lack of sleep causing dementia and things like Alzheimer's. It has to be true.

I mean, it has to be true because I just went upstairs. My printer is in my wife's office upstairs, and I'm printing stuff out for the show. And I go upstairs to get an article, and I go upstairs. I go into the kitchen, get a glass of water, and forgot why I went up. I went up there to get articles from the printer. Came back downstairs. You're like, okay, that can happen.

But then I did it again about 10 minutes later. So there's no doubt. They say when you sleep, there's a whole article in the, I think it was the Sunday paper, the Post. they say when you sleep there's a whole article now i think it was the sunday paper the post um your brain creates this uh liquid that cleans out all the toxins while you're sleeping which is caused by all the trivial shit you remember during the day while you're awake and it sort of wrenches all that garbage out that you don't need it's an actual liquid if i read it right i used to call it whiskey but um yeah they used to think it was the cells that did that that created their own get rid of their own waste but it's a actual some

type of fluid that goes through your brain while you're sleeping and if you don't do that uh if you don't sleep that doesn't happen you build up plaque which leads to dementia which leads to alzheimer's um so there's no doubt there's a direct correlation between sleep. Then I came down there. I'm pulling clips for the show. I pulled the same clip and edited it twice. I'm just fucking, I could have been done. Seriously, I could have been on the air. We're not live, but you know what I mean? The show could have been up three o'clock. It's now, I'm looking, it's five of five and i'm just getting to it it's really creepy and i pray this doesn't happen to me because uh this week um i'm doing you know something for amy schumer show with some

big name actors and a big sketch that i'm in the middle of and here's the thing okay i they sent me an email a couple days ago um we'll have a van to pick you up at 6 30 a.m in manhattan in front of a walgreens down on the east side down on 14th street at 6 30 a.m which means i gotta leave here at 5 30 a.m which means I have to get up at five and again you think well big deal but it is a big deal when you're a comedian who makes his living at night to fucking be doing scenes at seven in the morning uh you know I don't know how you do it that's the middle of the night most of the time although again with my, with my sleep problems, I'm usually up. But I'm already dreading, I'm already fearing that when I go to bed on Monday night, that if what happened to me last night happens again,

and I get two and a half, three hours sleep, it's going to affect your performance. I'll probably get lost on the way to fucking Manhattan. But how horrendous is that and then i gotta do it the next morning too tuesday and wednesday and i was supposed to leave today for vacation in the caribbean but couldn't because this came up last week didn't have the dates till now and i couldn't say no to this because of the names that are attached to it because Amy Schumer is giving me this opportunity to be in a great, hilarious sketch. And there's no way I could back out of that.

So my wife left today. Luckily, she was able to get a hold of her friend in California, girlfriend of hers, who was going to meet her down there and take my place for the first five days. I had a 10-day vacation planned and tell me with this fucking weather has this been the worst it's been incredible uh i was so it's been a tough six months for me my wife you know because of personal family matters on both

sides and and so looking forward to this so now that's uh that's gonna be put off a couple days hopefully i'm gonna be able to meet her down there at the end of the week uh i'm not even sure that's gonna happen because i'm watching the weather yesterday and they're talking about another storm maybe hitting new york on wednesday that was yesterday i don't know if it's changed since but jesus h christ fuck this oh my god have you had enough man H. Christ. Fuck this. Oh, my God. Have you had enough, man?

Have you had enough? I was looking down for a sound clip, but, of course, I use SoundSlate, so I'm on my iPad. So, you know, I have, like, five pages of clips. And, of course, the one, the fuck you one wasn't anywhere near my fingers when i needed it but um yeah so stressful couple days coming up and it's a little nerve-wracking look yeah i don't get to act all the time you know they ask you once a every couple years if you're lucky if you're you know comedian at my level or whatever uh so you know a couple of big names here and uh it'll be a little uh nerve-wracking it's an 18 page scene that i'm sure we're not going to try to bang out that's not you don't do it all at once but i'm just saying there's a lot of material there and

um we're going to rehearse at 7 a.m in a studio in brooklyn just fucking... I mean, it's one of those things. And comics will tell you this. Even actors and actresses, you know, you audition for something. Not that was the case here. This is sort of word of mouth. But you audition for stuff. And I was living in that.

And you're dying to get that phone call when they, once in a while, one out of a hundred, they call you and say, you got it? And you get all excited. And then you go, oh, fuck, now I have to go do it.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Depressing. I just want to let you guys know, World War III is underway. Nobody's telling you this. A stupid president. He doesn't even know, so can't rely on him. But World War III is underway.

I just hope you understand that. More terrorism, Islamic terrorism in in uh copenhagen denmark um over the weekend just yesterday i think it was and uh you know the middle east is on fire the whole thing the whole thing i ran i ran as within a conter of getting nukes. And, you know, the White House and Obama snubbing Israel. They hate Netanyahu. Syria, I mean, look what's going on there. 12 million refugees.

Over 200,000 people killed since all that shit started. And it's just a mess. ISIS controls iraq now thanks to uh you know a fucking community organizer pulling everybody out of there and uh everybody who knew anything was going to predict predict this was going to happen and um because it was secure at one point okay so we don't want to hear that um yeah so uh terror around the world it's just it's just disgusting isn't it not to mention you know north africa and bulgo haram and uh let's um yeah copenhagen we actually have audio of the actual shooting that happened. I realized that every time we talk about activity of those people,

there will be always, yes, it is freedom of speech, but. And the turning point is but. Why do we still say but when we... How creepy is that? It's like he must have been listening, and that was a woman giving a speech about free speech at a cafe in Copenhagen, and there was a guy who, the head speaker, the main guest of the evening was Lars Vilks.

He's the cartoonist who, I guess, a few years ago, he drew a cartoon of Muhammad in the form of a dog or whatever. They had been trying to kill him for years. Somebody tried to burn down his house. He's been shot at. There was a couple, there's many attempts on his life he was going to be the guest speaker i mean i'd like to know who books that place i know comedy clubs don't have the balls to book me because i might offend people imagine booking a guy who's on the

top of the shit list of isis and isn't that creepy how she's like, we talk about free speech, then we say, but why do we say, but, and then the gunfire? That's why. I mean, I'm agreeing with her, but I'm just saying it's like the guy who was doing the shooting actually was listening in. I mean, he filled in like the blank. Why do we say, but when we say free speech? Well, this is why. How crazy are these motherfuckers? Huh?

Sickening. So I guess one guy, a 55-year-old guy, was killed in that, in the cafe, and then a few hours later, okay, they don't know if it's the same guy.

I think it was the same guy. I think they've determined that a few hours later at a synagogue which is obviously an attack on jews um another shooting and i think uh i know a few cops are wounded in that and somebody else died at the synagogue and then 4 50 in the morning the cops found the guy and uh gunned him down so these are soft targets folks and don't think it's not going to happen here soon unless we get somebody with some balls in the white house who knows what the fuck is going on by the way you know he asked for an authorization of war against isis this week but uh once again

he puts all kinds of and the congress can't even get together on that. The Dems think it's too open ended. They're afraid, you know, the next president could come in and extend it and will be there'll be more boots on the ground than they want. Republicans don't think it's strong enough because the president said three years and he puts a limit puts a limit on it letting them you know the enemy know when we're leaving and there aren't going to be boots on the ground but then other people are arguing uh is it constant you know to limit him is unconstitutional the congress can't tell him what to do they they uh they hold the purse strings but but they can't actually implement strategy. It's really the commander in chief is the president and not Congress.

So they're arguing about that. I mean, what a fucking mess. But you can't go in there half ass. You know what I mean? You can't just put a few people in there. You know, you got to fucking get all the Arab countries that are on but everybody's involved now the Japanese have had hostages killed and you know a bunch of countries and I sort of agree with the president on one thing that it shouldn't just be our fight

you know because people citizens from all over the world are getting killed, not to mention the girl from the U.S., that Mueller girl. And they, you know, this week they found evidence that she was killed. Of course, ISIS said she was killed when the Jordanians bombed them, which is total horseshit. You know, they sent pictures of her body to prove, you know, that she's dead. And, you know, but it's not just everybody has to get involved it's everybody's problem now but jesus christ a bunch of cowards over there you know it'll be interesting in the 2060s that's why i think uh rand paul is still like the sleeper out there i mean like he's an isolationist you know so a lot of that can go either way people

have had it i mean when you people are war wary there's no doubt about it if every poll you see they're like let's get why is why are we even over there anymore let's get the fuck out which i sort of agree with and i think that's what rand paul says but if you bring everybody home from everywhere then there's then there's the argument well now have places where, you know, they can grow the seed of terrorism and launch attacks, which is kind of, they can do that from Queens, for Christ's sake, they're here already, what are you talking about? So, you know, is it our war? That's what a lot of people are arguing, and I think, you know, let's just get the fuck out of there, let's try that, I've said it before. Bring everybody home from that part of the world

and make an announcement to everybody, to Russia, because Putin, he's fucking crazy. He's still running wild over there. Cease fire, my ass. People believe that cease fire they had this week. The world is on fire. Between Ukraine, Russia, the Middle East, it's World War III.

Now they're hitting soft targets. what's going to happen the first time people get gunned down at the fucking mall here you know in the united states somewhere at the the mall of america or whatever that that can't be that's not going to be far away i mean, right? There's a definite, downtown Minneapolis, the Ethiopian community, they've already weeded out a bunch of terrorists there. There's a mosque they keep an eye on.

So how long before that's going to happen? It's World War III. If it's not right on the verge, it's fucking crazy. but isn't that unbelievable that audio i mean the lady's talking about free speech but uh i don't see how you stop hitting soft targets how you're gonna stop prevent that you know they think the uh thing in in Copenhagen was maybe a copycat of the Charlie Hebdo thing that went on in Paris last month, which sounds like it. Can you imagine having that guy speak, though, anywhere or having him over for coffee? Bit of fucking bulletproof your living room glass, mother of God.

Lars Vilksks the cartoonist and then Obama gave an interview with Vox.com and he compared himself to being a big city mayor trying to stop terrorism around the world which even

that sounded stupid to me really I think you're a little more important than around the world, which even that sounded stupid to me. Really? I think you're a little more important than the mayor of Detroit. Maybe not. I think the mayor of Detroit might know more. Anyways, so yeah, just be ready, folks. I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you. Well, we had a break in crime here in New York City as far as murders go until yesterday. We had, I guess, the longest streak in years, 12 days without a murder because of the, it's too cold for killers to go outside. I'm going to lose a trigger finger. It's fucking brutal. What the hell else? brutal um what the hell else so anyways uh yeah so wednesday night i go into the city wednesday day late afternoon to do a couple podcasts to promote oh by the way that which reminds me another senseless killing i know the name is so apropos right now isn't it with this fucking black world we're living in um black as in sad not as in racial um another sense is killing tuesday it goes on sale on itunes february 17th i believe that's tuesday

uh yeah you can buy it from itunes if you haven't got it from nickdip.com where you can get it now for eight bucks and it's like i said it's selling real well the cd portion was in the top 100 pre-orders on itunes so but you can get the dvd and everything now uh february 17th on itunes a lot of people wait for some reason they like to download it right to their itunes whatever i don't get it but anyways so uh yeah so i went into the city did a couple of podcasts to promote that and uh that afternoon i got a text from the guys at levity live saying hey you want to close the show which is up by me west nyack which is over the tappan zee bridge on the jersey side technically still new york but uh do you want to close the show it starts at 7 30 i was getting done in the city at

seven i leave the second podcast jumped in in on a podcast, by the way, got there early. My buddy Sherrod Small and Kurt Metzger, one of the writers for Amy Schumer, they have a podcast you guys probably know called Race Wars. So I got there like 15, 20 minutes early, and they're like, oh, perfect. Get in here, DePaulo. And I jumped in, and it's fun. It really is.

You don't take for granted these podcasts, how much freedom they give you to say stuff that can get you in trouble anyways. Doesn't matter. That's what people go, yeah, podcast, you can say anything you want. Well, yeah, but then people, you know, who aren't in podcasts, people who do legitimate, not that this is not legitimate, but do terrestrial radio or whatever here you know they listen and get nervous and go i don't know he seems like a

hot potato did i say hot potato really anyways so i'm leaving there i'm gonna head back up to where i live ironically that club's right over the bridge like i said take me 21 22 minutes to get there uh but now i have to come from the tip ass of manhattan uh i get on the west side highway it's bumper to bumper and i'm down on like on 11th and the west side highway 11th street and it's but i'm going what the fuck there better be a fucking baby crawling across the street with no head and uh i get up to like 30th street and i'm in the left lane heading north on the west side highway and again it's bumping a bumper still i look over and it's all

blocked off and there's the car a town car i couldn't tell what kind of car it was it was so demolished i mean the roof was torn off it and just it was crunched up to the you guys saw it in the anyways long story short it was bob simon from 60 minutes uh a guy who like like a lot of people are saying now it was everything that brian williams wanted to be this guy has been in a ton of war zones he was taken hostage for like 40 days and i forget where he was iraq maybe uh but he covered vietnam there's all footage of him you know in in the war zone in vietnam i mean this guy's been in a million dangerous situations and he dies on the west side highway i didn't know that either i mean i'm bumping a bump of traffic i get on my phone uh and i see there's a text from Pete Dominick, a fellow comedian. And he says, hey, you're going to be at Levity Live.

So I text him back. Yeah, actually, I called him and he puts me on FaceTime or whatever the fuck. Next thing I'm looking at Pete Dominick, he's on stage opening the show and he points his phone to the crowd, says hi, tells the crowd to wave to me. It's really crazy um but at that point i didn't know i just said i saw a horror i said i'm stuck because of a horrible accident i said somebody died no doubt in my mind and blah blah blah i'm gonna be there i might be a little late or whatever turns out i was early the show runs so goddamn long with pete is the host um he's doing a tight 35 in between the

comics no uh so yeah so i didn't know at that point that it was bob simon so i get home that night from the gig at levity live and there's a text from pete going holy shit it was uh bob simon from 60 minutes and uh can you imagine no uh surviving all those dangerous places and then you die on the West Side Highway? And it's just typical. This is the headline in the paper. Clear danger signs. Coworker warned boss of Bob Simon's erratic death cabbie. It was one of those livery cabs.

The guy's name's Abdul Rashad Fadail. death cabbie it was one of those livery cabs the guy's name's abdul rashad fadail um colleagues complained about him because passengers had been griping about his behavior at the wheel a few people who are listening to this aren't from new york city and haven't gotten to a cab whether it's a legal yellow cab or a livery cab uh you're really between that and possible rapings with uber why the fuck does anybody live here anyways yeah i guess they had been getting a ton of complaints from passengers about his behavior management says and this is called management said they'll check with the lawyers and they said if he has a valid license he can work another driver added and then this happened turns out this guy has attempted suicide uh many times

has had his license suspended nine times can you fucking imagine so typical of our benefit of the doubt society that we live in oh long as he has a legal license you know why that is because if they fired him or said no did they'd be you know why that is because if they fired him or said no did they'd be you know he'd take a lawsuit out against him saying yeah they're you know whatever islamophobic i don't even know that he's a muslim but uh whatever there'll be some charge of racism or or whatnot that's why this shit goes on you think after nine suspensions that would uh that would completely eliminate you from taking any future jobs that involve driving? Guy tried to kill himself, attempted suicide, and left one of his left arms paralyzed.

So he drives a car, one of his arms paralyzed, one of his left arms, fucking octopus. So he's been driving the car with one arm. Nine times suspension. They think he was speeding, and they believe, and it says, he has the use of only one arm following a failed suicide bid. Only guy with the name Mohammed who fucked up a suicide bid. Accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake after his Lincoln town car grazed a Mercedes

in the center lane. Then it veered to the left and smashed into a metal post that divided the road. I know just the ones they're talking about. And poor Bob Simon like broke his neck instant. You know, head trauma. Never had a chance. Of course, scumbag behind the wheel has broken legs and a broken arm.

He had been fired by his dispatch company, but was rehired two months ago when new managers took over. Since he came back, customers were emailing the company, one driver said. They didn't feel comfortable riding with him because he was rubbing goat's blood on his head and making sheep's... No. Anyways, this driver was leasing a car from Travis Transportation, whose owner also has a financial stake in the dispatch company Skyline Credit Ride

that CBS has used for years. So, conflict of interest in there i'm sure that'll get sorted out in court but uh bottom line is he didn't have to die and uh and i'm no big fan of 60 minutes another it's just another fucking left wing super uber liberal piece of shit show but that doesn't take away from what this guy's uh piece of shit show but that doesn't take away from what this guy's uh his history as a reporter and and you know out of all of them he seems to be the probably the most straight arrow over there but uh bad bad few weeks for um the lib media huh so you lose a you know a legitimate guy like bob simon then you had a brian williams

i don't know i don't what category you put him in bob simon wannabe really when you think about it but apparently he told another whopper about uh he was speaking at the uh reagan library in in uh southern california and uh somebody asked him him about what was his most exciting and most memorable night as a journalist. And he said it was he happened to be at the Brandenburg Gates when they were torn down in Berlin. Turns out he wasn't. I have the audio, but I couldn't find... I couldn't get the clip in English. I could only find a clip in a different language about Brian Williams.

So I think it's... Here we go. Did you hear NBC? This is a Japanese. It's an animated thing. You've seen it on the Internet. So they do the top news stories, but it's accompanied with cartoons. And it shows, like, Brian Williams. Like, you know.

Like Stallone in First Blood. He's, like, in the back of a truck with a machine gun fighting off bad guys. As she's doing the report in Japanese. It made me laugh my balls off. It's Jin Chuan. Announcement. Stand by. NBC News.

News. Broadcast. NBC News. Fucking liar. Not a. Brian Williams. Fuller shot. What she's saying is he told another whopper and you'll never see his face on fucking national TV ever again. Not only is this guy just a liar, as far as, you know, being a journalist,

but, I mean, he's just a fucking, apparently a giant liar. Just, I mean, the fact that NBC says, you know, we're going to suspend him, the fact, that just should tell you where we are, as far as standards and ethics go, as far as the media goes. Instead of them just coming in a perfect world, they would have come out and just said, he's fucking done. You'll never see him again.

Ever. But they're going to have that, what is it, Samantha Guthrie or whatever not her first name but uh the one who did the hard-hitting piece with the president super bowl sunday in a kitchen asking him about his favorite beer so she'll be next in line so as you can see they're real serious about getting to the fucking meat of the matter and having some credibility left. Can you friggin imagine? Samantha Guthrie, whatever the fuck her name is. I don't give a shit. So, yeah, he was at the Brandenburg Gates when the when they, uh, the walls,

when they tore the wall down in 89 I think it was. And it turns out it was only Tom Bocar was the only NBC journalist covering the wall that night. Tom Bocar, Mr. Gorbachev, the wall that night. Tom Bonacar, Mr. Gorbachev,

tear down that wall. I said, tear down that wall. That's a whopper. I'm sure there's more. They're going through his shit. It's hilarious. Again, always thought he was a smug. Never liked him.

I don't like anybody at NBC. They're a bunch of elitist douchebags. Matt Lauer, Katie Couric. Ugh. Fucking hanging out in the Hamptons every weekend. Elitist assholes. Surround themselves with like-minded douchebags. It's all coming apart at the seams. So you lose a legitimate journalist in 60 minutes,

and you've lost the face of NBC Nightly News. Perfect. Isn't it a perfect kind of metaphor for where we are as a country? I mean, he was like the face of, you know, broadcast knows the most popular, most successful. And he's a big liar. Big liar. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

Why aren't more people intelligent like me? That's him. That was him talking to Matt Lauer and the Hamptons over cocktails. Oh, I see I didn't get rid of the clips from last week. Yeah, so, and then... Jon Stewart. Our pal Jon. I, uh, it's weird. John Stewart our pal John I uh

it's weird I have like conflicting emotions about John Stewart I've known him a long time he actually mentioned me in a couple

I don't know about a month ago in an article somebody interviewed him in the New Yorker or whatever but he mentioned me and Quinn and somebody else as influences.

But then he said, not so much for material, but as far as support goes. Like I was a fucking life coach. But look, no doubt, the guy did an unbelievable job with the Daily Show.

Okay? But again, my beef was always, and anybody who does humor from that angle, every time they interview a fan, I like them. They always go, it's always a white kid. And you can look these up on the internet because they're asking people about him leaving. And this white kid goes, well, because he was a comedian that was trying to speak, you know, truth to power. No, he wasn't. He is the power. He's part of the power. He's an he wasn't. He is the power.

He's part of the power. He's an elitist. He's a journalist. He's part of the elite. He's not speaking to power. Do you understand? I speak truth to power. When I talk about race, race honestly I talk about feminists and how much I hate their

fucking horseshit agenda and I talk about the NAACP because the power is fucking political correctness that's the status quo the politically correct media that's the fucking power the politically correct media. That's the fucking power.

He's not going to get in trouble. I mean, he went after Republicans, basically. And you go, no, he went after both sides because I saw it. Yeah, he would take a swipe at the president, you know, now and then, make fun of whatever, what kind of tie he was wearing or something, you know, a little benign. It was never as deep cutting as, you know, when he went after Bush. And so that makes me friggin nuts. There's nothing dangerous. He was he basically picked on Republicans, which are older white people.

on Republicans, which are older white people. And the most extreme of that group are the Tea Party people, who literally pick up their own trash after they have a rally. So not really a fast-moving target. That's all I'm saying. But he did it beautifully. Jon Stewart is, he's like that guy in sports,

the guy on the other team that you fucking hate. You hate, but you would love to have him on your team. I mean, great. Great at what he, you know, if I was a lefty, you know, I'd be in love with him like the rest, I guess. But I'm just saying. He's part of the power. The truth, the power. These are making me freaking laugh.

Fifteen million a year, whatever. Whatever he got over there. No, he bought a $15 million apartment or something. Not exactly powerless. People who are powerless don't buy $15 million condos, hang out in the Hamptons. But he's a funny cat and really good at what he did. And yeah, they are going to miss him. I wonder who they're going to put in there.

I don't know. My phone. I've been sitting by the phone now for three days. But that brings up a whole other discussion. About, and they were talking about it on Meet the Press this morning, about, you know, conservative, you know, most of the social satire comes from the left, and blah, blah, blah, where are the conservative comedians,

that whole discussion that I've had 80 million times, and my theory is the one that people need to listen to. The comedy that's been coming through the airwaves for the last 50 years on TV has been from a liberal bent. The country, the media is liberal. The messages are politically correct, even in the humor. A lot of those jokes, when you're a lefty, those jokes are fucking safe because, again, you're shitting on who's going to get offended when you shit on some middle-aged white guy or a head of a corporation? Those targets are safe, yet there's plenty of assholes of all colors and stripes out

there. But when I go after them, whether it's in a comedy club or not, even the people who are there to see me who like me, they get nervous. So it's never going to work on TV, not in my lifetime. The die has been cast as far as comedy goes, and it's going to take forever to change. That didn't happen overnight unless there's a huge revolution. Do you know what I'm saying, though?

But even the people that like politically incorrect humor that goes against the grain, even they're afraid to laugh because if they laugh out loud at something that might be construed as racist and they get stigmatized as racist. That's why, you know, unless you load the studio like Bill Maher does with acolytes or whatever. But it's still, I mean, if you put a conservative or somebody that leans right into that seat on The Daily Show and they start, you know, going after feminist groups, They'd be a fucking, they'd be picketing. Women's groups would be picketing outside of Comedy Central. They'd make you fucking, they'd boycott it.

You understand? I know this from doing radio and shit, and you know from what happened with Imus and a thousand of other examples. That's why it doesn't work. That's why you're not going to see that for a while until something really horrible happens, which to me, we're right on the doorstep of that. And then all bets are off.

But can you imagine, you know, like a comic, I don't know, that leans right sitting in that chair and joking about whatever, Muslims or whatever. The New York Times and all the other media elites would line up against it and shit all over the show and it would be shut down. People would boycott it. People just think, oh, how come, maybe they're just not as funny. No, we're living in a world where fucking people are afraid. But anyways, he's the guy's, John Storzman was the of the guys he'll be great at anything he tries i mean he's a smart charismatic guy and uh i don't think we have to feel bad i bet you he makes more movies um but he can do anything he'll be writing books and shit and uh super talented but again

a lot of this shit like i said was, was going after slow-moving targets. And by that, I mean older white people. Every joke, every sketch in SNL is usually attacking what? The white middle class, right? Whether it was Will Ferrell betraying a fucking idiot dad who drives a four-tourist with his dysfunctional family or a Martha Stewart sketch or whatever. It was always going after, you know, that white middle class. It's fucking safe.

It's not hard to do. I went on after John one night at the comedy cellar. This had to be, Christ, eight, ten years ago, maybe even more. I can't keep track anymore. It goes by so fast. i'll be dead soon um and uh of course i mean this was at the height i think of the daily show ratings and i mean he was king of the world he in so he goes on before me you know he stops in and just what would you think would happen i mean it was like watching albus take the stage. And GIFs fucking blows it up with topical shit.

I mean, shakes the rafters. There was fucking, I mean, literally plaster falling down into people's hummus. And I'm waiting in the wings going, oh, this is going to be a death of a thousand cuts. And I was no mood to play. There's strategies you can do when you go on after somebody big, but not when they're in their own backyard. That's his home stadium. You know, the comedy cell's on the campus of NYU, essentially.

So, I mean, he was preaching to the choir and killing, you know. And you can go up and try to, you know, play off of his energy. There's a few ways of handling. Or you can be an idiot and go up and go, fuck, Dad, this is how I feel. Guess what route I took? And, boy, fuck, Dad, this is how I feel. Guess what route I took? And boy, did I eat a shit burger with extra onions. Mother of Christ.

I got cut. I fucking, there was, I mean, I got the dry mouth. I started to get the flop sweat right under the nose. I mean, holy moly. I took it in the face. And it was to be expected. It was like following Jesus. And I'll never forget that.

And he put me on, too. Like I said, before he had The Daily Show, they had a bunch of different shows at Comedy Central. Short Attention Span Theater, he hosted with a female comedian. I forget her name. But they had me on a couple times because John. And had a talk show on a local like an MTV thing. He's actually indirectly responsible for me meeting my wife. My wife was sitting home watching. John Stewart had like a talk show.

I forget it was an MTV channel related to something to an MTV. And I was his first comic he had another talk show on a local station and i was his first comic then so yeah i'm a little soft i have a soft spot for him because he you know he liked me um probably he said look at this stooge no let's get this crazy getting uh uh but my wife was watching the show that night and heard that I was going to be at Caroline's. I plugged a Caroline's gig. And she told her sister when she saw me she was going to marry me. So, Jon Stewart, yeah, you fucking fucked up my personal life, too.

So she came into Caroline's, my wife, and the rest is history. So she came into Caroline's, my wife, and the rest is history. She's on vacation by herself, putting on some bestiality films after I get done with my podcast. Oh, damn. While I was talking about Bob Simon, I forgot to... Not making light of the situation, but I'm making light of a guy that's driving with one arm named Muhammad who should have been fired after his, I don't know,

maybe his third suspension. Fucking idiot. Don't judge anybody out there though don't do it you know you'll get sued he's got to work he has a right god the simon family i'm gonna sue the pants off of that friggin company huh or whatever whoever taxi and limousine commission tlc as they call it Taxi and Limousine Commission, TLC as they call it. A little more about Brian Williams' latest whopper.

Two days after NBC announced a six-month suspension of Brian Williams, questions have emerged over at least one other statement made by Williams when he was in the Southland. That's L.A., folks. Southern California. I don't know why they call it the Southland. Alabama is the Southland. That's LA, folks. Southern California. I don't know why they call it the Southland. Alabama is the Southland. Well, speaking at a forum at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in 2008,

an audience member asked him, you know, what was his wow interview, a wow moment? What was my wow? I've been fortunate, he said. i was at the brandenburg gate the night the wall came down a piece of it was going to land on a baby's face and i dove and made a circus

like catch with one hand and saved the baby and actually uh gave ronald reagan a handjob. Can you imagine? And it's, like I said, Brokaw was the only one there. That guy should never be near a TV again. But isn't it crazy? He wanted the Tonight Show. I don't know if I mentioned that in the last part. He wanted to be the host of the Tonight Show.

Well, you see where all this is headed, right? I mean, wouldn't he be perfect to jump into the Jon Stewart seat since he fancies himself a funny guy? Ha. Wouldn't that be a perfect fit? What do you think? I guess John Oliver, he would have been my first. But he's already hooked up at HBO. So you think we have all the liberal bases covered?

I hope so. And what's with CBS? They get another fucking guy from I don't know where that nobody's ever heard of with an accent hosting the LATIA. At least he's not famous over here. Maybe in Britain or wherever they got him what the hell else um

I did I was trying to stay in shape for the last few weeks you know I'm like a bitch I was trying to stay in shape for the last few weeks, you know? I'm like a bitch. I go to the beach. Then you look at those pictures when you get home every year. You're like, what the fuck? Is that even me?

Anyways, uh, my buddy Mike Baker is, uh, you know, the web guy. I turned him on to P90X. And then, uh, he took it a little further. Now he's doing, like, the insanity thing, you know, with that T-Sean guy. Those insanity workouts. So he told me, yeah. So I ordered them, you know. And they have like a 30-minute cardio test that you can do.

You know the guy I'm talking about, right? He sounds like super gay when he talks. But he's in unbelievable shape, T-Sean. I'm guessing. I don't want to get, you know, sooty. I'm just saying he just sounds a little. This is him. I don't know.

It's workouts like this that I smile about because I know if you push to the max, you can get the body that you always wanted. Come on. I don't care if you scream, yell, hate me. Whatever you got to do, just know that I'm here for you. Yes. I'm sure you are here for me. He said that while he was in a bathhouse in San Diego.

Look out! But anyways, I put on the disc. It's a cardio test. It's like a 30-minute thing with literally no rest time. He throws in like 10 seconds after you jump around for two minutes to do like a 10-second stretch, and then you're back at it. It's fucking insane. It really is.

It's crazy. And there's modified moves because, again, I have the hips of a 70-year-old guy. I don't know what happened. They're frigging, well, I know what happened. I'm 53, and I probably shouldn't be doing this shit. So anyways, yeah, jumping around. Mike Baker told me, and there's modified moves you can do, but even at, even at 53, I have too much pride, you know?

Um, but it's crazy. 30 frigging minutes. And, uh, what you do is when you finally tap out, you write down what time you tapped out at and, and then eventually do all the other discs. And eventually every time you tap out, it should be, you know. Some people tap out at 7 minutes. And then the next time they make it to 10 minutes. And then 19.

And then blah, blah, blah. That's the whole thing. I almost threw up watching it. I like to watch it before I actually do it. But it really is. It's come so far from when I used to start working out back in the late 70s, 80s. Remember we used to do curls with dumbbells as isolated? Now your whole body's involved.

You're doing like, you know, fucking push-ups mixed in with a jumping jack and a stretch at the same time. Pose like a Heisman guy in midair. And it's full body. And it murdered me but uh it's killer i don't know i and i get a feeling you know i don't know the p90x thing finished me i think as far as this shit goes but uh i made it about 14 15 16 minutes in i think and then i took a quick break. But then you jump right back in. And you get to see the broads behind him that are doing this.

Guys and girls, but I like girls still. So, yeah, it's frightening. These people don't have an ounce of fat on them. Jumping around like maniacs. And, yeah, I'm going gonna try to do it there's like 12 discs i don't know if i'm gonna be able to do all of them but uh anyways i'm having technical difficulties here so i think i'm gonna wrap this up it keeps saying it's too slow to record i don't know what that means that's why i want to get back into real goddamn radio

where i don't have to look at a fucking computer why can't we see why uh ufc anybody see that fight last thatch versus henderson benson henderson i think his name was best fight i've seen in a long time ufc and there was two guys the worst worst fight was two white, pasty white guys. Kelly versus Walsh. I mean, tough guys. One guy was from Stoughton, Mass. And one was from Australia. But they were getting booed.

I mean, they were just. All they did was stand up and box. Like it was 1933. There was no martial arts whatsoever involved. They were just throwing haymakers. They might as well have been in a bar. Fucked up at happy hour. It was so bad but the

thatch i think the guy's name was thatcher thatcher thatch versus henderson uh thatch was kicking the shit out of him for like three rounds and this henderson guy had legs on him like uh just scary scary legs like a nhl defenseman and just ended up choking this guy out all right i'm gonna wrap this up this thing i'm having technical difficulties uh no show next week kids uh i'll be on vacation hopefully depending on the weather unless i get trapped here uh real quickly 800 teens tried to rush into a movie theater at the west oaks mall at 11 p.m. Saturday night in Orlando, somewhere in Orlando. At least a couple hundred teenagers made it inside before security guards managed to push the crowd out. There were fights and gunshots were fired.

Gee, they don't mention the race of the teens. I don't know where we're going to find that out. I'll have to go on the Internet. It's good reporting, though, isn't it? Later, the teens gathered at a a gas station started stealing things um drugs in a stolen car were found during the investigation but uh they don't mention race i don't know how we're supposed to figure out how are we going to know i mean can you imagine doing a report like that what if you're in the area and you hear that in the radio, they don't mention it, and you walk right into it?

It's called irresponsible. Unbelievable the level of cowardice we're at as far as race and the media go. I was going to do this Hustler. I'm being interviewed by Hustler to promote my album, and they sent a bunch of questions. I was going to do that on the air, but because of the technical difficulties, maybe I'll do a few real quick. It seems to be working now. Do you remember the first time you saw a hustler?

Yeah, I do, actually. It was when I was doing my first hustler shoot in seventh grade with my girlfriend. What was your reaction? I go, oh, that's what the inside of an asshole looks like remember that was your first reaction when you saw hustler wasn't it because you didn't see any of the stuff in playboy remember the girls are all they were all classily with their leg you know laying on a bed with their legs crossed and then hustler is like holy shit she got hit with a rocket propell grenade um do you consider yourself a filthy comic no i don't actually there's a lot of dirty stuff on this last album another sense is killing but i've talked about this before i i don't consider myself a filthy comic at all

you can look at my oldest stuff it wasn't dirty at all once i got into the roast i got that label and it kind of pisses me off i say fuck fuck a lot. I use filthy language, but I'm not always talking about sex and shit. Although, like I said, this last album, I did more of that than I usually do. Why'd you get into comedy? Because I was sick of herding sheep. There's no money in it. Was it to get laid? Jesus Christ, no.

I was getting plenty of ass when I was an accountant for Price Waterhouse. What was the best stand-up gig you ever had? I've yet to have one that I would consider the best. That's actually a good question. USO over in Afghanistan. That was the best because that was a life experience. The worst. Oh, the worst one was either me opening for Paul Anka, and I've told that story in front of 2,500 geriatrics,

or the stop at the Tropic Atlantic City was the most depressing. The guy that ran it was a mean drunk who, after the first show, called us into his office and lined us up like we were Marines and screamed in our face how much he hated us. I him back i banged his daughter two nights later uh long long time ago uh comedy groupies i don't know about that i'm married what is road ass well i'll tell you what it is and it isn't your wife hello everybody uh road ass uh that's when your ass starts to sweat when you're driving I'll tell you what it is, and it isn't your wife. Hello, everybody. If it's the same thing, I'm out of here. I don't know, road ass.

That's when your ass starts to sweat, when you're driving from New York to Pennsylvania with Bob Levy, and it's 108, and he has no air conditioning because he spent the money on cocaine. Are all comedy club waitresses sluts? Well, the fat fat ugly ones are. Are comedy condos as shitty as we've been told?

Yes. This is an actual question. We love your new CD, Another Sense of Killing. It's hilarious. Our favorite bit is about masturbating on the subway. Have you ever done that? What the fuck? What do they think? I'm homeless?

No. I haven't done that. I've done it on the back of a cab because the window's there. You know what I mean? You put the money in. It's just like the only difference is there's an ugly Arab guy on the other side instead of a hot chick in her panties. If someone sees someone masturbating on the subway or on a a hot chick in her panties. If someone sees someone

masturbating on the subway or on a public bus, what should they do? I would say you call that number and say, I saw something. I'd like to say something. And then hand him a towelette. What if it's a hot chick? Yeah, we always see hot chicks masturbating on public transportation. chick yeah we always see hot chicks masturbating on public transportation oh my god this is i have to answer these later on who's your favorite porn star i'd say jerry rice or wayne gretzky uh any genre of porn you find disturbing i don't like uh when people fuck kittens in the mouth that that just makes me it's a real turn off. Speaking of Howard Stern, you've done the show how many times? I don't know, a handful?

Ten? I really don't know. How'd you meet your wife? Well, I met her the way i meet most of my my prior girlfriends i i put a fake cast on my arm i rent a van and i pretend i'm trying to lift a couch into the back of the van but i have my arm in a cast and i ask them for help and when they come over i knock them out with a monkey wrench and and and then tie them up. And that's how I met my wife. W's a dating service. Jesus Christ, has this guy seen my headshot?

The fuck am I? Nipsey Russell? Is Obama the greatest president of all time or just a lucky black guy? Neither. He's not black. He's not lucky. And Sean Hell ain't the greatest president. Are you a conservative at heart? No, just my nipples are in it. What the fuck does that mean? Is there anything you can't joke about? Absolutely not. That's my number one rule.

That's the number one rule of comedy. Everything is fair game. Now the computer's working fine, folks. I don't know what that means. But Bob Sprantz will take it out and edit it. Anyways, that's enough. I got a lack of sleep, pounding headache. I got to feed my goddamn dog. That's the things my wife used to do. She's on vacation.

Right now, some guy's probably rubbing her down with coconut oil. But that's good. Get her things my wife used to do. She's on vacation right now. Some guys probably rubbing her down with coconut oil, but that's good. Get her off my back. Anyways, I don't know. What did I want to play here? That's about it, I guess. Taunch. Listen to Sean T. tange listen to sean t listen to this guy it's workouts like this that i smile about because i know if you push to the max you can get the body that you always wanted that's some guy talking to my wife right now in the caribbean in in our villa that's a horrible thing to say all righty that's about it i just got a weird silence in my headphones it's okay i don't know whatever you guys like i said no show next week i'm taking a goddamn break

well deserved okay wish me luck on the schumer thing i could end my career and um um we'll see y'all next time. And, oh yeah, end of the month, I'll be in Albany. The Comedy Works. February 26, 27,

28. And, March 6th, Wyomissing, Pennsylvania. Place called Building 24. Then the Arlington Draft House, March 20 and 21. a great gig it's a nice theater and uh March 26 27 and 28 the House of Comedy in Phoenix Arizona of course you know it'll be 73 degrees we'll have a warm spell then can you imagine I

couldn't be in Phoenix now god damn your your sister's ass. That is it. Love you guys. Not as much as this next guy. Let me just get this in. This is how I feel. I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Exactly. I love you for helping me to construct my life.

I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. Not a tavern, but a temple. This movie was on yesterday, and I watched it again for the fourth time. I'm going to fucking smash his fucking face in. This movie was on yesterday, and I watched it again for the fourth time. It's like an SNL sketch behind the candelabra. I laugh till I shit. My wife doesn't know what I'm laughing at. I mean, you've got to be fucking kidding me. You have done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself.

Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why I love you. Have a good one, everybody. See you next time. guitar solo Bye.