The Nick DiPaolo Show - 070 - Vacay, Schumer and CPAC

Episode Date: March 3, 2015

Vacay, Schumer and CPAC   RiotCast.com

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. How are you? Oh, I didn't check all the sound levels. Oh, tough. What's happening? Long time no speaky. First of all, thanks for the support. Another senseless killing debuted on iTunes. And it was like when I left for vacation last week, it was like number seven for a few days. And right now it's in the top of the charts at like 24 out of 150 or so albums.

So thank you for that. Yeah, it's moving really well well very psyched about that you know what is happening since i've uh talked to you last been a couple weeks i i thought i announced on the last podcast that i was uh going on vacation and wouldn't be doing a show because i've a lot of people on twitter going where's the show what the fuck you get off your ass you lazy prick. It's like me yelling at myself. I don't know.

Maybe I didn't mention it. I can't remember anymore. But I think I did. But then again, you don't all listen to them in order, obviously, chronological order. Some people could be listening to something from six months ago. But I thought I mentioned it. If I didn't, I apologize. But I'm here now. And that's what's if i didn't i apologize but i'm here now and that's what's important isn't it get out of here anyways yeah i had a busy few weeks man didn't

have time to take a dump have a get in one of those modes it doesn't happen often in show business unless things are going really well which which, let's be honest. So, yeah, since I saw you last, I was about to go on vacation to St. Barts, and I think I mentioned to you the Amy Schumer show had called, and I was going to go to St. Barts for 10 days, and it turns out they needed me for two days, which was sort of right in the middle of my planned vacation. I had to change flights.

And the wife went down without me, which I thought she'd be bummed. She was actually, she had one of her best friends meet her down there. This girl we know from California. And, you know, I'm like, yeah, I get there. I'm like, did you miss me? She said, no, it was kind you know, I'm like, yeah. I get there. I'm like, did you miss me?

She's like, no, it's kind of nice. I'm like, yeah, he assist his ass. It's kind of nice. What do you think of that? Son of a. Yeah, so, but that's the dealio. That's where I was. Real quickly, yeah, another census killing. You can get it on iTunes now, Amazon.

It's out there everywhere. And word of mouth is what sells these things. Unless you're a zillionaire and you can afford a high-powered PR firm, publicist, which I can't. What am I doing this week? This Friday night, March 6th, I'm in wild missing Pennsylvania, a place called Building 24. I don't know what it is. I'll find out when I get there.

But before that, the night before, Thursday the 5th, I'm in Teaneck, New Jersey. It's already sold out, so it doesn't matter. You don't really need the details. But it's a benefit for this Green doesn't matter you don't really need the details but it's a benefit for this um green beret who was killed in 2013 he's from ramsey new jersey his name is timothy mcgill and i was just you know ever read somebody's resume or whatever or their life story and go man do I feel like a mouse this guy was a man's man to the tenth power so

graduated from Ramsey High in 2001 immediately went into the Marines like my old man did but my old man didn't see action this guy yeah he was in training at camp at Paris Island when the 9-11 attacks occurred. So they send him right to Fallujah where he was a machine gunner.

Okay, with the 3rd Marine Expeditionary Force. Comes home from Iraq. Then he joins the Ramsey Fire Department as a volunteer fireman. Could you do any more good? I mean, this guy is just unbelievable. Also, he wanted to become a green beret so he joined uh i guess rhode island national guard they have a special special forces unit why rhode island i don't know but you remember that attack on providence don't you back in the early 60s um so yeah he joined the rhode island national guard and that allowed him to train and eventually became a green beret okay 80 of those guys that travel that stuff they drop out this guy is huge

too i was i was talking to his sister megan who said who's done this a few years in a row now um and uh he was like six seven 285 can you imagine you're gonna be athletic to be to be able to you know pass the green beret this guy was something else man and uh yeah became part of the special forces and uh anyways ended up going to uh to afghanistan in january of 2013 as a green beret and uh and he was um yeah he was killed in september of that year but he received uh 28 valor awards including the bronze star and the purple heart i mean we're talking about a man's man in any generation. So I am honored, I'm privileged that they asked me to be part of this benefit, the Green Beret Foundation. And that's what I'll be doing Thursday night.

I talk about a good cause, man. Proud to do it with a lot of other guys too. John Fish and Giannis Papas, a few other comedians. There's like six or seven of us on the bill. So looking forward to that. And it's a privilege to be asked to do something like that. You know, let's be honest, live a selfish lifestyle. Thanks to guys like that.

We need more guys like that today. More than ever. What with ISIS and whatnot. Get to that in a few minutes. But yes. Yeah, I was on vacation uh right before i left for vacation uh yeah the amy schumer thing i can't get into details about what i did one of the best experiences i've had in the business i'm not just saying that um it was two days, Tuesday and Wednesday, and I stayed at my buddy Quinn's apartment, Colin, in Manhattan because we had to be on the set in Brooklyn at like 7 in the morning.

So I didn't want to commute from here and the weather, the shit. I stayed at Quinn's place and I found out something i forgot about him he sleeps with the lights on he gives me the bed and and he he sleeps on the couch the guy's unbelievable he's reading one minute i'm looking at him he's reading next thing i hear snoring and then uh you know with my sleep pattern i get up with this prostate i have uh in the middle of the night. And there's two lamps. He's on the couch with two lamps still burning brightly. I'm laying in a room with no bedroom door. And the light's coming in.

I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing? I come out. He's out like a baby. I shut the lights, go back to bed. Alarm goes off at 5.45 a.m. They were picking me up in a van on 14th Street and 4 4th avenue in front of a cbs now listen to this i get up it's fucking snowing you know i don't want to be up at this friggin i'm a comedian it's just i gotta get to brooklyn so they're gonna pick me up in a van i get to the cvs i take a cab to the cvs at 14th and 4th and uh there's a van white van i uh walk over and uh they open it the people and it

was filled to like six or seven people i go how you doing i go to step up into the van i slip partly because i'm 53 and you know have the hips of earl campbell and partly because it's fucking quarter or six six in the morning i can't function before three in the afternoon i go to get in the van. I slip and literally fall like an old man. Smash my knees like on the ground. And I have people in the van giggling and shit. I'm like, man, cocksuckers.

And some guy like grabs me, pulls me into the van. I, you know, I squeeze my way past a couple rows. I sit in the back trying to be polite because there's a few more people coming. So we're just sitting there sort of in silence every i go and just kiddingly right i go this is the amy schumer van right and they everybody in the van looks at me goes no what a fucking smuck add that to embarrassment uh number three the third worst embarrassment of my life i told you the first two uh losing a tanning contest thinking i had won cockily walking to the microphone to pick up my

trophy on revere beach back in the 80s only to be only to have the guy announce the girl next to me in the finals and people fucking uh it was horrendous and the other one when i was skiing learning to stop i came down a hill in a tuck position, 80 miles an hour. I just learned to stop like a, you know, throw your two skis together, not snowplow, like a real snow. And I went to do that. I hit like an ice ridge and kept going. And there was a guy standing in line staring at the chairlift.

I told this one on my first podcast. And I just went into him at like 60 miles an hour. I could hear the wind leave his lungs. And he cursing he's laying on top of me gets up one of his uh ski poles was in the shape of a fucking question mark i thought he's gonna stab me in the eye with it but i'm trying to apologize so those are the first two and then me falling down trying to get into a van and and it turns out it's a bunch of strangers after i'm sitting in the van they started laughing this isn't the amish i'm like you gotta be shitting me then i had to squeeze my way back out of the van oh they're all giggling and shit oh sweet jesus i'm like is this

the kind of fucking day it's gonna be shoot me now as paulie walnut said when he found out beansie was pissing into a bag he pisses into a bag fucking shoot me now i uh so i i get out of the van and i wait another few minutes it's snowing it's still dark out like oh my god my fucking wife's in saint bart's right now that son of a gun and uh then a van finally comes and picks us up and you know i'm like are you sure this isn't the uh this is this is amy you know i guess i get questions before i get into the van and so anyways yeah we get over to the set there's this place in uh greenpoint brooklyn it's an old studio and they used to shoot porn there in the 70s and it looked it was this weird scary big giant like garage with hundreds of rooms i

mean it was a sound studio but it had all these weird rooms and and and and like they said they did a makeshift area for us actors they put up these you know these things like partitions you see in an office building and uh and there were palm trees like fake palm trees in the in the area where i dressing uh so-called dressing rooms were fucking weird dark dirty place and just fucking weird the sound studio part was fine but it was just so weird and um yeah so uh yeah so the alarm like i said goes off at quarter of six at quinn's place i get home that night at i don't know 10 10 or 11 10 o'clock i mean literally like a 14 15 hour day god forbid right and it wasn't one of those deals where like you sit in your dressing room or in a

trailer while the other people are doing their scenes because because it's an it's a it's an episode i can't give away the joke but it's based on a movie i think i already mentioned in 12 angry men so you know and we're all in every scene together because it's about a jury you know deliberating so it wasn't like i'm gonna go lay down for 20 minutes or whatever we we were like on the set and it's amazing it's just amazing to watch the process this guy ryan directed it who was a fred armisen clone i still right now i'm not kidding you think i'm i still i'm not sure it wasn't fred armisen i'm like is he maybe doing this under a different name because you know maybe he's directing on the side i This guy, his voice, his face. A couple people called him Fred by accident.

I swear to God. And he was fucking amazing. And Amy Schumer also directing it. She was really the director, both of them. But, I mean, this is broad. She's like the female Louis. I mean, she wrote the stuff and she's directing it, giving me direct. I mean, I'm like, holy,'s directing it, giving me direct. I mean,

I'm like, holy, when the hell did she get all this wisdom? But that's all. I can't go into it other than to tell you, Paul Giamatti, a few people you might've heard of. Giamatti was in it. Jeff Goldblum, the guy that played Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Vince, I can't pronounce his last name, who kept, like, grabbing my ass and stuff and making all these gay jokes. And I'm like, dude, I will fucking smack the shit out of you. And he's just laughing. He's actually a good guy. I mean, but it was crazy. If I ever did that, you know, if I ever kept putting my hands on, you know, a girl on the set, I'd be in fucking prison right now. kept putting my hands on you know a girl on the set i'd be in fucking prison right now uh it's just amazing that the times we live in and the double standards uh so and who else am

i forgetting um giamatti goblum john hawks who you guys might not know him by his name he was in the perfect storm if you remember that movie i love it because it's about Gloucester, Mass., which is about 15 minutes north of where I grew up. And he was great in that movie. He was the guy that was kind of a loner. He was trying to pick up a fat girl at the bar. And he did such an awesome—I remember watching it, saying to my wife, this guy has to be from Massachusetts. That is a Massachusetts accent.

Turns out he's from Minnesota. But really great actor. And he was in Dead deadwood and he's done a lot of stuff you'd know him if you saw him and adrian martinez he's like this uh hispanic crazy looking hispanic guy with like crazy hair great actor he's in the movie focus right now and uh couldn't have been friendlier great guy and and a bunch of other guys who you've seen in like Heineken commercials, and I knew all their faces, but to hang out with Paul Giamatti, who couldn't have been cooler, I mean, just, we started talking, and I'm like, yeah, we get these,

I go, you're way more low-key than I thought you'd be, and he goes, yeah, you know, people always think I'm gonna be an asshole, and he was just this likable laugh laughing at everything and and uh I go yeah I get the same shit I mean you do these roles and people just think I mean he's so friggin talented and Jeff Goldblum is just who I thought it'd be just this positive upbeat sort, sort of guru yoga type of, just really all into this positive West Coast thinking and just telling stories and just, I mean, and he looks like he should be famous. He's like this tall, handsome guy.

He's got to be in his mid-60s, right? I mean, he was in Death death wish the first death wish movie with with uh you know who um you know i'm talking about charles bronson he was like in his 20s i think um he was in that and a ton of other stuff you know but goldblum just positive and and he kept doing these things like looking at people you look like a young blah blah blah then he did like six degrees of separation of jeff goldblum and and he just and they make it so effortless these guys that act for a living you know and uh just an awesome experience like i said amy schumer is just unfriggin believable with the direction

and just i i didn't know she was like a triple threat, you know? And she wrote the damn thing. And it's just funny. If it doesn't, I swear to God, if it doesn't win something on cable, I'd be surprised at some type of cable ace or what. I don't know. But I can't go into the concept any more than that. But what a great, great time

hanging out with those guys. And on the second day, it was even longer. And I had the, my big scene was coming up at the end. I was in, I was, it's the most lines I've ever had in anything. So it was really cool to do that much acting.

But like I said, it's brutally funny. So it was easy to to do that much acting but like i said it's brutally funny so it was easy to deliver but i had this you know really challenging chunk of material i had to do at the end and uh we didn't get to that till 11 that night on that wednesday because i left for vacation on thursday I believe. Yeah. So, like, once again, my alarm went off at quarter to six on the second day. How about this? Then I'm looking at, I get to the CVS and there's no van there. It's supposed to be here at 630.

It's like 640. I text the lady. She goes, I sent you a text last night saying it was changed to 730 because you guys work so late. We're giving an extra hour. There I am, like, 15 minutes early in front of that CVS again. Like, it guys work so late. We're giving an extra hour. There I am like 15 minutes early in front of that CVS again, like an ass. It's snowing again. Jit myself out of an hour's sleep. She sent me the text and you know what? She did send it to me. At first I was questioning her, but I was drinking the night before. On the way home, I stopped at some little pizza place on

12th Street on the way to Quinn's apartment and had about six drinks in about 55 minutes intentionally to knock myself out because I didn't sleep for shit the first night so I did I had like six drinks and and then I'm like she did she text me but I didn't read the whole thing it just said confirming tomorrow's pickup and I just thought assumed it was the same time like that's what you do when you're drunk you're an idiot jit myself out an hour anyways so i'm still i'm at the cvs like an hour early uh even the guys at cvs are working looking at me suspiciously because i kept going in and out didn't want to stand in the store like an idiot but uh yeah and and so i get back uh i get back to my i get back to quinn after that long day uh you know we ended it like midnight and schumer comes out with a bottle of the scotch i don't know where it came from this is really

expensive poured in a little glass for all of us uh paper cup it was awesome it was friggin awesome uh yeah and then uh i took that van back to colin qu Colin Quinn's apartment where I got my car out of the garage right next to his building and drove back to northern Westchester where I live. And guess what time I got there? Quarter to two in the morning, back to my house. Had been up since 5.30, quarter to six. I don't know how people who work for a living do it. I really don't. And so I just stayed up. I said quarter to six. I don't know how people who work for a living do it. I really don't. And so I just stayed up.

I said, fuck it. I'll pack. Because I was leaving. I had a car picking me up at my house to take me to JFK. And you're saying, well, why didn't you just go from Collins? I figured out all the math. You know, it was like $40 a day to park at JFK. I had already paid for the car to pick me up at my house, but it wouldn't have, it would

have cost me an extra 600 bucks. So I'm like, fuck it. I'm just driving home. And I just stayed up. I packed, ate something, started to watch some TV, nodded off for about eight minutes on my couch. Next thing you know, I hear a horn showing up, the guys in my driveway. So I'm up for 24 hours

and you know me i can get three weeks worth of sleep and i'm miserable uh so i just stayed up got the jfk and and i'm just all friggin disoriented because i'm not used to being up that early and um just crazy i get the jet blow and it's a fucking nightmare i love the airline but i mean just there was a thousand people and lines this way and i had that even more thing where you pay you know you get more leg room and allows you to board early and and uh the lines are mile long i go down there and the lady goes no you have to be on the other side way over there so i go over there and the guy goes no you gotta go back to i go she just sent me over then he starts taking an attitude with me now i've

been up for 24 hours and i'm like what are you raising your voice for i'm the goddamn customer and he's like don't you raise your voice he had some freaking accent fucking ass wipe and uh you know so now i'm into it with him he sends me back over to where the woman was there's two lines they're both a mile long and uh so i walked up like i didn't know what i was doing and and like cut yeah i did like an asshole and people were like, hey, hey. I go, I know. I actually lied. I actually turned around and lied.

A bunch of people were getting their panties in a bunch. I don't blame them. I would have said the same thing. I go, hey, I was already here. This woman over there, she sent me to the other side, and that guy sent me back. I was already here, so I'm not cutting in front of you. I don't remember seeing you. And I don't blame him.

And then I finally used my uncle junior line. I go, so call the cops. And then I hear some guy go, fucking asshole, behind me. Ah, fuck that. It looked like a third world. It looked like an election in Haiti. It was just, it was just, there was no organization. The ropes were running into each other

and I wasn't the only one. I heard people, you know, people arguing and asking where they're supposed to be. It was a friggin' night. So it was a nightmare.

But anyways, so what did I do? I get to the terminal. I went right to the bar. It was like a bar blew at JFK. And I said, give me a Bloody Mary. And this young black kid starts giggling.

And he goes, I have to wait until 8 o'clock. It was like 10 of 8. I'm waiting for a drink. He was laughing. The kid was great. Fucking loaded it up for me. He thought I was like an alcoholic, you know. And, yeah, had a couple of of those thought that might knock me out of course not cut to me on the plane even more leg space so

i can tap my left foot at 80 beats a minute wide awake like a psycho nodded off while we were taxiing and then of course they as soon as nod, it's impossible to sleep on the plane. They have more fucking announcements. Jesus Christ, yes. We know we can't smoke on the plane, you fuck. I just start to nod. Ah, buckle up. We're second for takeoff.

Ah. Ah, just had frigging nodded off. And, yeah, baby baby up and away what a great feeling though because it was like stress just all kinds of shit before i left for vacation and then to have to act around who people who really act for a living was pretty you know kind of nerve-wracking didn't want to let amy down and um but it felt great it makes that you know I mean but I get gypped out of four or five days of a cab supposed to do nine or ten days St. Barnes ended up doing five uh I get down there my wife's already tan and uh she's with a French guy in a pair of tight

speedos and uh no he wasn't French but uh anyways and then we stayed at the place we usually stay at, this little one-room villa on the side of a cliff. But this year we only stayed there for five days because somebody else was coming in. My schedule fucked it all up. So my wife found a different place that was like even nicer for the last four days, had one of those infinity pools. And again, it was on

the other side of the island you know overlooking a bay and uh it was beautiful it was like a living room but it was wide open with no walls even at night it was crazy uh but and it was windy as hell but the wind uh the rain never came into the house, even though it had no walls. It was all open. I'm not really doing justice explaining it. But it had one of those infinity pools. And then you walk around the pool, go up two, three steps to a different level, and that's where the bedroom was, a separate entity where we slept. It was frigging unbelievable.

But there were mosquitoes. And then there's a pamphlet saying that chicken remember that chicken fungus disease you can get from mosquitoes that i thought i had when i actually had a tick bite remember that well apparently yeah that started you know once again i think in africa somewhere and spread over to the caribbean and uh you know it was in saint martin and not now it's on saint bart's and there's a whole pamphlet on it saying some people, the name of the company, I forget, that rented the V is say some of our customers have actually, you know, fallen victim to this,

so ba-ba-ba, but they spray and stuff, but they were. I get eaten alive. I don't know how, you know, I'm waiting for the rash and the diarrhea, but anyways, it how, you know, I'm waiting for the rash and the diarrhea. But anyways, it was, you know, I drank, I don't know, six or seven, eight beers a day, all President. That's being on vacation. That's not that wild. But they have that vanilla rum down there, and they give you a gift basket with this thing of vanilla rum in it i would just take swigs of that in between the beers and trying to read a book and i'm shit-faced and read two books read one on alzheimer's if anybody has a parent like i do that um you know suffering

from the it was called this ice cream is delicious by henry watts jr his uh mom was diagnosed with it like in the uh when she was in her 60s and he was the lone caregiver. You know, as opposed to I have four other siblings. But so he immersed himself in this life and it's all real practical information. It was great. It's an easy read.

It's like a couple hundred pages, but really a ton of great advice. And then I read, most people read light shit, you know? You're supposed to read light stuff and you're making then i read another another a light-hearted book called uh the looming tower which was a about you know the origins of al-qaeda right from the beginning and it follows it right up to 9-11 and uh the book came out like six years ago won a pulitzer prize lawrence right

i think wrote it i think he's a new york times guy i'm not sure ago, won a Pulitzer Prize. Lawrence Wright, I think, wrote it. I think he's a New York Times guy. I'm not sure, but it won a Pulitzer Prize, and a lot of you guys probably already read it if you're into that, but I couldn't put it down. It read like a novel, The Looming Tower, and it just goes through the history

of how Al-Qaeda came about, and Osama and his old man, whose old man was like a genius who had like a didn't even finish eighth grade but he was like uh osama's old man was like you know unbelievable architect and and uh he could do numbers and figures in his head just like a natural genius and he built uh he built the one of the kings i think it was a saudi king was was it was an egyptian i can't remember i think it was a saudi king but he was paralyzed and he needed a ramp he wanted a ramp to go up to that he could drive his car up to his bedroom on the second floor and uh osama's old man you know built it for him and drove the car up himself to

prove it was safe and then the king just fell in love with him and gave him all kinds of work because you know in the 50s when the american oil company started to go over there they all they needed infrastructure and this king through obama osama's old man all the work i mean he he built a mosque that over a million people can worship that's how big it is. It took him 20 years to build it. But every ounce of work that was done, he connected Riyadh with another, you know, it was all desert. He built a highway for hundreds and hundreds.

I mean, just the guy was unbelievable and just filthy wealthy. And it's a fascinating book. Fascinating. I, you know, recommend it if you wanted to get into the mindset so now when i hear these names even when i got home and i'm watching stuff about isis and i'm like oh yeah there's still some of the same names are popping up fascinating and also there's a guy john o'neill who worked for the fbi who was like, he was from Atlantic City, from the streets. Irish guy, real handsome.

Used to get all the broads and always wore like really amazing suits and stuff. I can't believe they haven't made a movie about this guy. He was like a really complicated guy, but an unbelievable agent. But his personal life was out of control a lot of times. But it was unbelievable what he did to... I won't ruin it for you, but you probably already know about him anyways. He's a legend.

I can't believe they haven't done that movie yet, but John O'Neill, I think his name was. So, yeah. Took that puddle jumper, that little plane I told you about from, you have to take it from St. Martin to get to St. Bart's. Still scary. I've done it four times now. Still almost shit my pants.

Runway's about 40 feet long. Wind is pushing the plane all over the place, and you come in between two hills and crazy. What did I do? I just read and drank while I was down there. And at night we watched, I got another recommendation for you. We watched Get a Life. Do you remember Chris Elliott's show back in the, I don't know,

was it late 80s maybe? Oh, my God. Funniest. He's in a quiet taste i guess but it was the it's the fucking quirkiest funniest dumbest it was like a sitcom that was meant to be intentionally bad i mean corny and uh we i was shitting my pants laughing chris elliott one of those guys he's got the bill murray thing you can't look at him without shitting your pants but if you get a chance pull up it's probably on demand somewhere or whatever i get the get the discs uh get a life he's a 30 he's like a 32 year old paper boy that's what he does and he lives lives above the garage in his parents house and his old man plays his dad and uh

the garage in his parents house and his old man plays his dad and uh just uh i don't know i i find them hilarious i can see how some people would go i don't fucking get it but uh just so off the wall i mean look at the premise he's 30 years old he has a paper out he's just a loser it's just brilliantly funny i think he's got something else going on now. Because he was on Letterman a couple weeks ago plugging something. I forget what it was. Yeah, baby. So, yeah. What else? JetBlue, people getting pissed at me. So, yeah. What else? Jet blue.

People get pissed at me. Albany. I was just at Comedy Works this past weekend. Good room. Very good room. The Comedy Works, which is a straight shot, it's directly, about 130 miles north of my house,

straight up, straight up, and, made it there in a couple hours, and I'll take as many of these gigs as I can, it was two shows Friday, two Saturday, little light on Friday,

but that was to be expected, Saturday, both packed, supposed to get a bonus, Friday to Saturday. A little light on Friday, but that was to be expected. Saturday, both packed. I was supposed to get a bonus for selling out the second show. It was about five people short. Got the check. No bonus. I don't know.

I'm going to have to have the agent look up the numbers. And I actually got up on Saturday for this guy and did radio for him. Radio I didn't have to do with this guy bob wolf who's the big guy up there on radio and it was on the campus of siena college it was a saturday we did it at noontime and it was great i love this guy bob wolf smart funny guy talked politics and uh busted each other's chops and uh it's going to air on iHeartRadio, I think, after March. I don't have to get the date. After March, whatever. But I was doing it as sort of a favor to the club, you know, because they're going to run it and whatever,

and I got to plug another senseless killing. So I was a little shocked when I didn't get the bonus. But maybe he forgot. Maybe the guy didn't, you know. Sometimes he's running around doing everything. This guy Tommy runs it. It's just unbelievable. He's in the kitchen helping those guys downstairs fixing stuff.

And just a hardworking dude. So maybe he was too busy. Or maybe he said, fuck this guy. This show is light on Friday. I don't know. Man, they drink hard up there there it's like every place that's way out in the boonies you know it's just to people can you blame them i mean it's bitter cold and there was a guy there uh on friday night who kept you know kind of yelling shit out and and

younger guy he had a boston bruins like sweatshirt on and turned out he was from brockton mass and if you know anything about brockton it's the toughest town that's where rocky uh marciano grew up and marvelous marvin haggler moved there when he was young and that was his he fought out of that as his hometown and it it's a tough town. Always has been. And they're a little crazy there. And this kid was no exception. They were saying, people after the show that worked, they said he was going, yeah, Nick's a good friend of mine. Let me in the green room.

He was trying to sneak through the kitchen and shit. Somebody caught him. And he kept touching his face. They said they thought he was on meth or something. He kept touching his face. And somebody said he was peeing into a bottle or something. I mean, just... But they had to ask him to friggin' leave.

This is after the show. I mean, we didn't kick him out of the show, but he kept... And then there was another older guy, like older than me, fucking drunk and yelling shit out. Just please sit there and fucking let us get through it, would you? But that was sort of an anomaly, I was told. And then, and I felt like saying, really? You don't know my fans. And then Saturday night, both shows packed.

So, and it was great. The room really did rock. And I'd do it again. The comedy works in Albany. Yeah. It's weird to be on a gig like that and actually have my car, have access to wheels, because when I fly somewhere, I don't rent the car. You know, it's not worth it.

What am I going to do, drive to the fucking bowling museum hall of fame in Milwaukee while I'm there? So it was kind of cool. I'm a wild man. I went to a diner by myself two nights in a row after the show. What has happened? Looking at a waitress in her late 70s with a saggy ass. I'll have the pea soup, Fuzzy. What the fuck else?

What's going on in the news uh yeah leonard nemois spock passed away while i was gone and i gotta be honest with you didn't really fucking affect me at all hated fucking uh you know what i I was going to say Star Wars. What's the name of the frigging show? That's how much I fucking hated it. Star Trek. I know you nerds are all in mourning right now. He was a cool dude. I've seen him in interviews and definitely a cool dude.

Yeah, but I never could stomach that shit. You know me. Like I said, a couple years ago, I tried to watch Star Wars for the first time. I was so bored, I almost started crying. Fucking talking bowling trophy and that. I just, I couldn't suspend my disbelief. I just couldn't relate to it in any way. Fucking hated it.

I know you nerds eat it up. I don't know how. Are you that fucking detached from reality? I don't know. You don't have to be a nerd to like Star Wars. I realize that a lot of ways but anyways i can't stand that shit so rest in peace spark live long and prosperous i'm a little late for that but um and what anthony mason former new york nick he also died like at age of 49 yeah what the fuck man he was a tough nut i think he was a queens guy wasn't i know he's a right in new york city queens of brooklyn he was a badass remember him in the 90s

working the boards um greg gutfeld my buddy over at red eye did his last show at Red Eye. I saw him. It's amazing. That show, when I first saw it, I was like, eh, I don't know. Who is this guy with the furrowed brow? I kept... But he got me hooked, you know, and he did a great job with that. But after, I think, eight years, I don't know how he's doing. He's on that show, The Five, and he fills in for O'Reilly, and he does a lot of shit

so it doesn't surprise me you only have so much time in the day but i think he's getting a new gig i don't i'm guessing it's on the fnc i don't know but uh yeah he left the show friday did his last show friday or saturday i don't know but uh well done and um guy's really bright man i mean if you listen to him like on on o'reilly or when he when he subs or even on that show the five i mean he's always the brightest one at the table there's only one guy i told him this in an email i think only charles krauthammer is probably smarter than him at the uh on that channel in my opinion but uh i did that show quite a few times and uh it's a lot of fun i didn't hear from those guys for like six months it's funny because i know i made greg uh gutfeld nervous and a lot of i remember they're putting makeup on him he's like uh easy on the gay jokes

tonight nick i mean what are you talking about they didn't have to bleep me the last time i was on what do you do and that's why they have me on with that mark lamont hill professor hill those are some of the best episodes me and him battling about race and i said we should do a sitcom and mark lamont hill the professor goes yeah we'll call it the professor and the racist and i go i'm not a professor spun that one right back in his face he was in shock um so uh kudos to gutbell i don't know what's coming but i'm sure it'll be uh it'll be decent um world is on fire isn't it folks let's be honest let's go from red eye since that's fox and you associate that with conservative and all the CPAC thing went on the conservative political political action conference in Maryland this year, I guess.

And my boy ran Paul who I picked to be the nominee. Um, like I said, I thought what's his name? Romney would have made a decent price. I try. There's no one out there far right enough for me. But Rand Paul is one.

If I had to put money on it, he's more of a libertarian, like his old man. And the CPAC thing is packed with young kids who are conservative or Republican, but they're more libertarian now. But it's a younger crowd. It's like 3,000 people. So he won for, I think this it's like 3 000 people so he won for i think this is the third year in a row he won with like 25 of the vote and because he's a libertarian so he's sort of preaching to the choir at this thing so it's not really a giant surprise

um scott walker was the big surprise because he came in fifth last year that's the governor of wisconsin he came in second only like four points behind uh ran paul and um they asked him about foreign policy and isis and he goes hey i i took care i could handle a hundred thousand protesters if you remember in wisconsin they were charging the state house remember and he still ended up getting re-elected which was a pretty amazing feat in a predominantly blue state. But that was kind of a dumb answer because if I can handle 100,000 protesters, I can handle world, you know, world friction or whatever.

I'm paraphrasing. But really, you're comparing protesters in Wisconsin to... I don't think he did himself any favors by making that crack. It didn't make much sense. And then Cruz, Ted Cruz, who I like. He's just weird looking. I swear to God.

And we all know how important that is in politics in America. You know, going back to the Nixon-Kennedy debates, and Nixon was all pale and his upper lip was sweating, like fucking Robert Parrish in the 1980 playoffs, and 112-degree Boston guy. Yeah, Cruz is like a weird-looking guy, but he's really, he's a real conservative. And, you know, I like him.

But like I said, I'll take somebody even more right-wing than that. and you know i like him but like i said i'll take somebody even more right wing than that uh i didn't want to play the clips and bore you with that shit but uh and then ben carson the uh the neurosurgeon black neurosurgeon head of john hopkins this guy talk about smart and he's just like soft-spoken and but dr carson i gotta be honest i love you man but i think obama has fucked it up for coming up and coming black candidates for a long time even though he's half black but uh yeah dr carson is uh smart and an impressive dude but i don't think so not this time and uh what i love jeb bush was there and jeb bush if you guys follow your politics uh the conservative base hates him because of his stance on immigration he's for amnesty basically and

common core that that education program that uh sort of from it's sort of like a top-down approach to education and uh people you know fear that the federal government won't be providing the agenda what's the difference they already do it on college campuses so he's for that too but most conservatives hate that but uh he faced the fire man he went in there but he bust in a bunch of supporters otherwise he would have been booed right the fuck out of there people go why do you have to say fuck me because it's a podcast and i love it it's my favorite word so shut the fuck up um so uh yeah jeb bush he came in uh you know eighth or whatever fifth no fifth i think i don't know he got eight percent which actually in the what's a hostile

territory he went in there and took the fire. But you know what's funny? He's got the Bush name, so he's fucked. You know that. Even I know that. And he's not conservative enough. But what's funny is he's separating himself from his old man and from George W., but he moves just like George W. When he's talking, same body language, same hand gestures.

I'm like, oh, the poor bastard. He doesn't have a prayer. Well, as you can think of as George W. when you're body language, same hand gestures. I'm like, oh, the poor bastard. He doesn't have a prayer. All you can think of is George W. when you're watching him, at least physically. But he went in there and faced the fire, you know. But he, I'm sorry, man. He's got a ton of money on his side, but I would be very disappointed if he's the guy. And I'd bet my money, no way. Then a few others got buried, like, what's his name, Perry, Governor Perry from Texas.

He came in Christ behind, like Donald Trump, I think. So did Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio. Marco Rubio came in near the bottom, too, because he voted on some immigration thing that was basically amnesty, and the conservatives hated him for that, so I guess they haven't forgiven him yet. But he gave a great speech and got a great round of applause,

and he's a sharp guy, but I don't feel forgiven for that. But look, man, this really doesn't mean anything, this CPAC shit, because, like I said, Rand Paul's old man won it a couple years ago. He never became president. Romney won it in 2012. These are former winners of the CPAC

thing. Gary Bauer, Rudy Giuliani, Steve Forbes. They all took the top spot. And what happened to them? So don't put too much on it. Yeah. 47% of the audience there were between 18 and 25 years old. So that was that.

Staying on the political. We do need to change the shit that's going on man uh let's go to this i'll go now we'll flip over to the liberal side amid protests university minnesota drops suspects race and crime alerts do you believe this is where we are on college campuses they're not even college campuses anymore. They're just, you know, Marxist indoctrination factories, whatever you want to call them. It's just fucking unbelievable.

They've lost their minds. They've lost their minds. University of Minnesota, which has seen protests in recent weeks about campus diversity. What the fuck could they be? What could the fuck could they be protesting about? There's not enough diversity? Then don't go to the University of Minnesota. You can't find places more diverse than a college campus anywhere. They announced Wednesday the school that it'll be, it'll stop sending out alerts with vague

descriptions of suspects in serious crimes. Pamela Wheelock, the school's vice president, Suspects in serious crimes. Pamela Wheelock, the school's vice president, told the Star Tribune that suspects description will only be provided in cases with sufficient detail that would help identify a specific individual or group. Yeah, that's what we expect. You see, I'm misleading the languages, but they're doing just the opposite. She says we need to have enough information about a suspect so that somebody can reasonably use that information to help keep themselves safe wheelock said unless we have a sufficiency of information we're not actually going to use any suspect information what they're saying is this is all about i'll keep going it was unclear how much information would uh would be needed to be collected in order to pass that threshold.

But Wheelock told the paper that black men in particular have shared that suspects' descriptions negatively impact their sense of safety. So what she just said, they're going to do just the opposite of what she said. First of all, she's going to decide, her and authorities at the school, how much of a description. What they're saying is, you know, young black men are negatively impacted and put at risk when somebody, let's say somebody's shooting on campus and somebody said, you know, we think it was a black male. They won't point, they're not going to point out the race. They're not going to point out the race, which is irresponsible. In a letter to the faculty,

staff and students, President Eric Kaler said the routine use of a person's race and those descriptions may unintentionally reinforce stereotypes of black men and other people of color as criminals and threats.

Of course, this issue didn't come up until uh there's a group on campus called who's diversity they staged a sit-in at the president's office earlier this month this eric kaylor google him definition of a white coward do you do you believe this so they're not gonna they're trying not to mention the race of the suspect that is so irresponsible oh what's there's a shooting on campus and they go yeah i had a blue jeans and a red uh he had a blue jeans and a red book bag and you're on campus and here comes somebody with the blue jeans and a red book but you're like okay it's you know if you told me his skin color and if you can tell him if you can describe the you know how tall a person is what their weight is and what color their jacket was you obviously were close enough or whoever is given the

description to tell their race but you don't want to do it because you might suspect the wrong person. Do you see how irresponsible this is? Can we fuck up logic? Is there any common sense in this at all? So don't mention gender either. Because as a guy, most of the criminals in the country are men. But as a man, you're going to offend me

if you say some male sus. Where does this shit stop? It is fucking convoluted. There's no logic. It's unbelievable. I think I actually have the interview they did with this Pamela Wailock. She's the vice president of the university.

Let's see if I... Hopefully it'll play. It doesn't matter. I just went over the whole thing. But with you. Let's see. Oh, it's not really playing. But I just gave you the whole thing in a nutshell. I don't know why it's not really playing but i just gave you the whole thing in a nutshell

i don't know why it's not playing but anyways uh really let me ask you how many like young black men have been put in danger because of uh how many of them have been accidentally shot because of the description? I want to know what those statistics are because they don't even exist. I'm not talking about when a cop, you know, shoots somebody who they somebody described a suspect in a crime and it looked like him how many really young black men uh harmed by that i really love to know the statistics weigh that against this the safety of the public it's it's friggin uh it doesn't even make any sense anymore. It's getting frightening where we're at.

Hmm. I give up. But, what the fuck? Yeah, so let's not mention race. But the way they word it, it's the way they word it. They make you believe they're doing just the opposite.

The suspect's description will only be provided in cases with sufficient detail that would help identify a specific individual or group. She's going to decide, her and the authorities, what sufficient is. In other words, if it's just skin skin color we're not going to say it there's got to be 20 criteria met before we're gonna jesus really ay-yi-yi anyways enough of that it's making me mental and what else was I was gone

they found the you know they found out the identity of Jihadi John he turns out to be you know Obama and a lot of the libs will say

it's you know Al Qaeda and these terrorist groups are made up or ISIS are made up of just people who have been isolated and left out. They don't feel like they're part of the world. They live in poverty-stricken areas and they're not connected to the rest of the world like the rest of us. And they're isolated and blah, blah, blah. Well, this kid grew up in, you know, a suburb of London, went to a great school, was a computer programming major in college,

and was just the opposite of the description you always hear of a typical terrorist. They talked to some people who, a teacher who worked with this kid at london's quinton kaiuston school jati john is muhammad m wazi i know you guys heard this has been out for a few days but uh the teacher said we'd find that he'd get very angry and worked up and it would take him a long time to calm himself down sounds like me uh so he did a lot of work as a school to help him with his anger and to control his emotions. Apparently he didn't do enough. The school solution was sending the now 27-year-old executioner to anger therapy. That's anger management, you know, the aversion.

And this is, if this boy is, this isn't proof that it doesn't work. She says it seemed to work. The teacher insisted he had a lot of respect for all the work that had been done for him in our school. In contrast to the stereotype of poor loner turned terrorist, Mwazi came from the middle class suburbs of London. He loved the Simpsons, loved electronic gadgets, dreamed of becoming a soccer player, went to his university of choice,

and now you know I'm from, know beheading videos I'm back Obama and I'm back because of your arrogant foreign policy towards the Islamic state because of your insistence in continuing your bombings in our middle is a modern the Mosul dam despite our serious warnings. You, Obama, have yet again, through your actions, killed yet another American citizen. So just as your missiles continue to strike our people, our knife will continue to strike the necks of your people. Yeah, but it's not about a religion, right? President Obama has nothing to do with Islam. He's got a pirate's hat on

A Pittsburgh pirate's hat He looks like any hip hopper over here Okay He's got the flat bill The Pittsburgh pirate's hat I wonder what the significance of that is The pirate's hat The P

But We've got to come up with a plan folks jesus h now that today they were threatening twitter i guess twitter shuts down any accounts that they think are attached obviously um isis isis uses code secret codes not like on ebay in the auctions they hide files in there and send messages encrypted messages to each other and stuff. And I guess Twitter shuts down any accounts that they have evidences related to this, you know, making threats or whatever.

So now they're threatening the people that run Twitter. Frigging crazy, man. Crazy. Yeah, so, um yeah so jihadi john muhammad emwazi what the hell else i uh did you guys read this this cracked me up

by the way, I'm preoccupied because I'm thinking about doing, you know what? Insanity. 30 minutes. You know what, T-Stone? Push through it. You got to push through it. Push yourself. This is not about me.

This is about you. Push yourself. You got to push yourself past the limits what you could do guys fucking shredded i did it last week and uh i don't know who i think i am i don't know what i'm fucking thinking i'm 53 man and the high impact shit doesn't work on my knees anymore my wind is pretty good i almost could do the whole frigging thing. But next day, I was on a two-wheel hand truck to go out and get my mail. Oh, my God. Fucking knees are popping like. How about those lyrics?

I put those right up there with Sinatra. I didn't find that on the internet. I was laughing It's gonna be stuck in my head For the next three weeks I'm gonna plant this seed in your head Make you nuts Ah That's what Obama should have played at his inauguration.

No, that wouldn't have been accurate. Oh, here's my favorite story of the day. What else do I have? I thought I had something else. Yeah, this one cracked me up. Spiritual leader allegedly manipulated 400 men into removing testicles to, excuse me, to be closer to God. You don't need a spiritual leader to do that.

You need a wife. What, are you shitting me? You don't need a spiritual leader to do that. You need a wife. What are you, shitting me? A man has been accused of encouraging hundreds of followers to be castrated in promise for them to become closer to God. Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh. He's an Indian pop star and telepreacher with a wealth more than $50 million.

He's being investigated after he allegedly manipulated around 400 men to get their testicles removed. One of his former followers who underwent castration seven years ago named Hans Raj Shahan is one of the few to break his silence

to speak out against him. They were told to get castrated and they'll be able to meet God. I think I'd rather the 72 virgins than the

72 virgins. Many of his followers are believed to be in fear of speaking out. This guy's a pop star. He's a singer. He's like Ted Nugent of India. Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh. Can you imagine listening to a pop star telling you to cut your... 700 teenage girls had their clits

removed because Taylor Swift said if they did it, they'd meet God. This guy is sort of looks like, like I said, he's sort of an Indian version of Ted Nugent. What the fuck? I mean, he's obviously just more than a musician.

You know what I mean? I don't give a shit back in the 70s if Paul Stanley told me to cut my dick off and my bum. I'm not doing it. I don't care if it was, if it meant me meeting fucking Cheryl Teagues. That's right,

I said Cheryl Teagues, I'm that old. The alleged castrations were said to be mainly carried out at a hospital run by the DSS in Singh's

ancestral village, Gushar Modia. In the district of Rashastan. Cut your balls off because a pop star told you to. You'd become closer to God. Jesus, will people believe anything? I'm guessing they're mostly Indian. I always looked up to their brains. I won't be cheating off them anymore. Mother of Christ. Let's play his big hit. Again, now, this is Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh. He's an Indian pop star and a telepreacher.

So he's... I just find that as an odd combination, you know. Don't you? Adam Levine preaching on another channel. don't you? Adam Levine preaching on another channel. Let's play his big hit single. It's called The Love Charger. Kind of a catchy tone.

Where do I get this in your head? Love Charger, that's what he just said. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. I am so lucky, boy. You are my love, Jar Jar. I feel like I'm in the back of a New York City cab going to an audition.

You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. You are the love, Jar Jar. York City cab going to an audition. Hold on. Let me put on my tight red leather pants. I'm going to take off my shirt and dance around. Hold on. Take a left on Houston and then your first right. Far corner, please. West side.

Come on. This is a good tone. Come on, this is a good tone. Let me get the scissors and start trimming my nuts. Here's my left nut. That is the right. I'm losing my fucking mind here. I actually like that song.

That was Gurmeet Ram Reham Singh moving up seven notches to number ten. This one goes out to all you young males who would like to meet God and who have a pair of good scissors in your hands. Love Charger. Oh, let that one sink in. That one's going to be stuck in your head. That's part of my duty is to put songs that will never leave you.

So, anyways, kids, that's about it. Good to be back and talk to you sorry for the delay but i needed a break um do i get gigs i got gigs and go to itunes and get another census killing let's keep it in the top 20 or 30 at least uh yeah got the benefit and uh again friday this friday the 6th yo missing pennsylvania building 25 i don't know where that is i've never even heard of the town but also this month uh the 20th and the 21st the arlington draft house in alexandria virginia it's a great gig i've done it many times it's a nice theater and then um of Virginia. It's a great gig. I've done it many times. It's a nice theater. And then the weekend after that, March 26,

27, 28, the House of Comedy in Phoenix, Arizona. Haven't done that one yet, but can't wait to get the fuck out of this weather. Do you believe this shit? And in April, 9, 10, and 11, I returned to the scene of the crime. That would be

another senseless killing where I recorded my favorite club, Acme, in 11, I return to the scene of the crime. That will be another senseless killing where I recorded it. My favorite club, Acme, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. April 9, 10, and 11. And then April 18, I'm going to be doing comedy Treehouse, which is in Marissa's at Trumbull, Connecticut. All right, kids. A little more of this. Yes, I'm going to JFK and JetBlue, please.

Could you turn that down, please? Don't tell me what to do, cocksucker. I'm leaving that one on. That's not the last time you guys are going to hear that, you poor bastards. That one, you got to admit, that's catchy. Well, that's it. Good to be with you guys again. And I will talk to you soon. You know how I feel about you. I love you for helping me to construct my life.

Not a tavern. Girl, I'm going to fucking me to construct my life. Not a tavern. Earl, I'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. Earl, I'm gonna fucking smash his fucking face in. I've done it without a word, without a touch, without a sign. without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by just being yourself.

You're goddamn right. Perhaps after all, that is why I love you. Fucking smash his fucking face in. And that is why I love you. Good day everybody guitar solo I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm