The Nick DiPaolo Show - 071 - Hillary, Holder and Horseshit

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Hillary, Holder and Horseshit

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Hi, kids. How are you? Great to be with you again. Sure it is. Yeah. Oh, mother of Christ. Daylight savings time. I'm doing this Sunday.

I don't know when you're going to listen to it. Who gives a rat's cheese? It's, you know, 5.08 p.m. and it looks like noon out there. Beautiful. You know what that means? Mets are about a week away from being eliminated. I am marvelous.

Anyways. So fucking tired. I know you've heard it, but just so fucking tired. I've got a good four hours last night. Can you imagine? I'm actually excited about a good four hours sleep. And it's on these days that I'm setting up shop to do the show and the computers aren't fucking working

and all the shit I've been stealing off YouTube. All these clips, all of a sudden those are being barred. Somebody's on to me. But it's always these days. So I just want to get into the show and have fun. And shit's backfiring. I'm going through instructions how to set up my computer. Ah, you sister's ass.

Anyways. Well, that wasn't very nice. What? Um, yeah. So, where was I this weekend? Let me get the dates out of the way. I like to do the business up front because it's not that important to me, and I'll forget it later on.

I'm the worst self-marketer there is, and I think my career has proven that over and over again. Ba-boom. Not this weekend, but the 20th and the 21st, I'll be at the Arlington Draft House in Alexandria, Virginia, the 20th and 21st of March, and then the following weekend, the 26th, 27th and 28th of March,

the house of comedy in Phoenix, Arizona, all the way to Taconia, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA, Northern Arizona, where the girls have no tits and the just kidding.

Um, I forget the lyrics too fucking tight. Um, house of comedy. Never been there. Uh, but it's Phoenix and I'll be glad to get on a plane and get out of this shit. I forget the lyrics. Too fucking tired. House of Comedy. Never been there. But it's Phoenix. And I'll be glad to get on a plane and get out of this shit.

What am I in Fairbanks, Alaska? This fucking winter blows donkey dick, does it not? Looking forward to going to Phoenix. I don't give a shit I have melanomas on my face when I come back. I'll hide them with my wife's makeup. Or I'll put on a little princess mask And go on stage I don't care But I've had it And I'm not a guy who hates winter

I usually don't mind it But enough's enough I blame it again on your sister's ass Yeah And then in April Acme Comedy Club My favorite 9, 10, and 11

And then Marissa, the Treehouse. Marissa is in Trumbull, Connecticut on the 18th, which I've done a couple times. It's a one-nighter, but it's set up beautifully by Brad Axelrod of Treehouse Comedy Productions. But that's a good one. And it'll be good. I haven't been back to these places in a year or so,

and it'll be new material for you people to come out. Know what I'm saying? Yeah. Another senseless killing. The album, doing well. It was at like 15 on the charts this morning. I checked it. I don't know why.

I don't even know how they determined that. Might have nothing to do with sales. Could be down low. Who knows? Well, I i could google it and find out but that would take some effort i'd rather lay on the couch my hands on my uh on my balls eating fiddle faddle and watching women wrestling but uh like i said that would take effort to find that out. But it's doing good. It goes anywhere between 50 and 65. And what's amazing is you see like Brian Reagan has an album that he did in 1997. That it's in the top 10 still. That was 18 years ago.

So again, I have to look up and see how this is based. I'm sure you all know. And you don't have to hit me up on Twitter and explain it. I'll fucking look it up. Don't worry about it um but can you imagine and you know who gaffigan who's a machine he's got like four albums on there from the last eight years that are still on the top uh what a money making this guy i know drug cartels that look at his income and go what are you doing man how do you make that kind of cheese i actually read for a gaffe again i guess he's got another network deal a pilot or whatever i don't even know what the show's about i'm like a zombie and i usually say no this stuff i you know

when i lived in the city i'd go on these auditions but now that i have to take a helicopter and two fucking trains to to go to an audition i i say most no to of the shit. That and acting isn't really that important anymore. You know, it's nice to do it here and there. I cannot wait for the Amy Schumer thing to air, because that's the best thing I've ever done acting-wise. Cannot wait for that. I'm actually excited about it. You know how jaded I am. But I went in and I read for some bouncer part for Gaffigans. I don't even ask. I didn't even ask my agent, is it a recurring role? Is it just a, you know, one-off? Didn't even bother.

Just like a zombie, got my car. You know, nowhere to park in the city. Just nowhere to fucking park unless you're a cripple, an Asian and a Mongoloid-like, wearing a leisure suit and half Muslim. And then you can park between two and five on Wednesdays. But other than that, you got to pull into a garage and which I did for a,

you know, of course I go to the audition. Usually you sit out there with a bunch of other people and they usually run in behind by 15, 20 minutes. Of course I get there 10 minutes early and they take me right away, which is beautiful. Ah, but, uh, Running behind by 15, 20 minutes. Of course, I get there 10 minutes early. And they take me right away. Which is beautiful.

But I already know I didn't get it. I don't know. So I come back out. I was done in about 12 minutes. And it's so expensive to park. And I was embarrassed to go back to the garage. So I actually went and had lunch. To kill time.

To make it look like I wasn't stupid enough to pay 33 to park for eight minutes or whatever it was so i went to the statler grill to kill time and and had a shrimp cocktail and a bloody mary and that came with tip to 40 so who's the asshole now me you can't win you get fucked in the ass in the city every time. You can't win, folks. I understand it's New York, but it said four jumbo shrimp. I expect them to come in like a champagne glass like they do, you know, in the fancy joints. I figured they'd be about the size of my, I don't know, at least the size of my middle finger, the shrimp, and about two inches wide. But no, it looked like four shrimp that you put on a hook to catch a fucking fish like for just normal shrimp you're

like what are you shitting me is there cocaine in the cocktail sauce how are you whacking me for fucking 20 something dollars anyways it's a lot it's nice living in the northeast isn't it? Get that same shrimp cocktail in Dallas for fucking $5.95. But because we have museums and all kinds of culture, and you can get stabbed in the ass in front of the opera house, that's why you pay top dollar. Look on the New York Post. I love it on the cover. It says St. Putz, and it's a picture of our

asshole mayor de blasio he was late for the saint patrick's day parade and i love that's why i love the friggin irish they were letting him have it he gets like a half hour early there he fucking chant he sucks and he wouldn't want to get there on time that would be something a white person would do and then he'd lose his constituency. And all the people that are whining victims, right? And then they'd abandon him if he got there on time. They'd be like, yo, you acting white, yo? So I guess they were letting him have it.

And you know, the Irish, I don't know what time the parade started, probably nine. They're already three sheets to the wind. I wish I was there for that one. He's just a dick. Like most people that think like him politically, they're fucking lost. He's trying to make it harder now to punish students, disruptive students in class.

You guys from Iowa and Idaho can't even relate to this, but there's disruptive forces in inner city schools, and other kids are there to try to learn. Kids come in and try to beat up teachers, and they curse teachers out. Now you can't suspend. They're trying to pass it so you can't suspend a kid just for cursing out a teacher. Can you fucking? You're retarded.

De Blasio and people who think like you you're fucking retarded and this planet won't be safe until the likes of you are fucking gone you fucking morons you oh i i can't believe what i i can't believe what i read in the paper i i i i just can't freaking believe it it's like we're on two different planets alternative universes just un-fucking-believable all that shit all that stuff that made new york safe uh they're reversing it can't watch mosques now cancer you know going to surveillance secret surveillance with moths yeah you wouldn't want to do that now it's not like you know we're on the edge of World War III. Stop and frisk, right?

Eliminating that. By the way, shootings are up 20%. And that's with even the coal snap. Most criminals don't come out unless it's above 60. Even so, with this horrendous weather, shootings are up 20% already this year. It's already coming undone. You.

Oh, my God. What is the matter with this mayor? He, there was a, and I remember mentioning this on a previous podcast. Remember there was a memorial for this plane that crashed years ago in New York? I don't know, 10, 15 years ago? Right after 9-11. American Airlines plane crashed in Queens.

Remember? I think it was all Dominicans on the flight, a Dominican Republic, whatever. So they had a memorial for that and he missed the moment of silence. He was late for that too. Just a douche. Just a douche.

Just a douche. That's all he is. Just a douche. And the fact that he's in the mix, in the mayor of the greatest city in the world, well, what once was, it's just hilarious to me. When's this shit going to stop?

I don't know, but when I get down, I get really down, I have something that picks me up now. You know what I'm talking about. That's right. Buckle up, kids. I'm going to taint your brain with this The Love Charger There he comes Please tell me you google this guy You are the Love Charger You are the Love Charger You are the Love Charger

It's like You are the Love Charger You are the love chaser. It's like... You are the love chaser. You are the love chaser. You are the love chaser. It's like herpes. This song is forever. I'm in the shower this morning washing my ass singing this.

You are the love chaser. You are the love chaser. You are the love chaser. Sounds like Stephen Hawking right there singing. Woo! Oh, my God. People on Twitter were going, you son of a bitch, you planted that seed in my head.

I can't get it out. That is the catchiest goddamn thing I've ever heard in my life. I wish I had that guy's influence. Remember I told you, he's got a cult. That's why we talked about him in the first place.

And supposedly 400 members of his cult, male members, listened to him and they de-balled themselves to be closer to God. I don't know about that. I think I'm with the Muslims on that one. I'd rather the 72 versions than de-balling myself. That's just a matter of getting married.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just a matter of getting married. Yeah. So this weekend, I was in Wyoming, Pennsylvania. I guess that's how they pronounce it. At a place called Building 24. This guy, Todd, has run this place called The Comedy Outlet in Redding, Pennsylvania.

And I guess he was about to have me there last year and then a place closed or whatever says a lot for my power and um anyways so this place is called building 24 not a bad gig three hours about 166 miles from my house got on the road like one in the afternoon which i love i could come up with a lot of my shit while i'm driving because i really don't pay attention to the road. I mean, who wants to do that? But, you know, over the bridge, 287 South, over the Tappan Zee to 287 South to whatever. You stay on that forever, then you hit the Pennsylvania Turnpike, get on that, it takes you way to hell out in the middle of wherever the fuck I was. I put my Waze app on it. Are you guys familiar? I'm

sure you're familiar with Waze. Bobby Kelly turned me onto that a couple years ago, but I love it. I just don't rely, I don't trust my GPS in my car, so I put the Waze thing on my phone, and this broad told me how to get out there can you tell i'm tired i'm slurring and uh fucking thing works great man it tells you with it actually says uh pothole in the road coming up i actually heard this for the first time it goes animal on shoulder of road and but i never saw an animal i saw a big fat guy pissing unless they were referring to him maybe but i was looking for a deer or you know a dinosaur or a prehistoric bird maybe taking a shit in the breakdown lane but no no animals kind of just lying to you i think to keep you awake

i don't know what that one's about but it tells you when there's broken down cars and and uh you know i'm heading out in the middle of nowhere, but you get near Couch Town or whatever, some small town, all of a sudden three lanes. I did the first hundred and, you know, the first hundred and I'd say 135 miles, you know, in about two and a half hours, not even. and a half hours not even and then all of a sudden like anything else around 4 30 all of a sudden three lanes became one through this small town and i just saw red lights in front of me tail lights for about a mile because it's like one lane going one way it was very weird and i love that's why i love this ways app the lady just says take a left you're in traffic take your next left onto a mausoleum springs road Road or whatever the fuck. And it took me through some even tinier town.

People like on their porch churning butter and shit. It was crazy. And, but it got me, you know, it made me go around that mess without adding any mileage or any time. So I trust this woman more than I do my wife, whoever the recording is. And, yeah, tells you where the cops are. Cops hate this app.

You know, I guess they hate it. So, yeah, building 24. I get there. This is how it works, folks. They have a hotel room for me and, but I have no intention on staying. I'm getting up. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm leaving right after the show. If, if it's under four hours or maybe even five, that's about my limit. I'd say five. If it's under five, I'm driving. Now I'd say four. If it's four under, I'm driving back. I want to wake up in my own bed.

Again, that's a sign of being 53 and married. When I was a younger comic, it could be an hour from my house. I'd stay at the hotel hoping a drunken pig would wander into the hallway, and I'd tackle her and pull off her giant bloomers and have my way with her. But those days, those are, those are gone, they're gone, and now we can do about it, and they're gone, so as soon as the gig's over, I, you know, I jump in the freaking car, the people haven't even paid their checks yet, I'm on the highway with both feet on the gas. But, yes, and I work with a kid named Mike Aronin,

who I worked with him years ago at the improv on a New Year's Eve. He has cerebral palsy, and I don't mean just a touch of it. He's got full-blown palsy, and he's the toughest little. This guy, he's been doing comedy forever. He's got great material, but it really is weird. He's funny as hell. He's got great material, but it really is weird. He's funny as hell. He really is. And he really has, you know,

I mean, it's hard for, people get uncomfortable. But once he starts telling his jokes, you know, you have to really listen. But he writes great jokes. And, of course, the guy that was running it, Todd, he runs it he went

up there and you know introduced him and then introduced me but it's funny because he's like you know okay now get off the stage take your time why don't you and he's saying like mean shit because he knows the kid he hires him all the time and and but the crowd's like going oh this guy's being a dick to this guy and then i have to go up and I have to throw shots at him too, because I know, I know Mike and, and like I said, we've worked together and,

uh, you know, I, I'm, I believe you guys always singing about inclusiveness. I include everybody in my beatings, even if he gets cerebral palsy. And I said, I'll be so fucked up by the end of this show.

Uh, Mike will be giving me a ride back to the hotel. And, um, but he killed so fucked up by the end of this show, Mike will be giving me a ride back to the hotel. But he killed, you know. But it's kind of hard for me to go on after a guy like that because then I go up with my pompous attitude and it seems to come across even more mean when you have somebody on with a physical affliction. It magnifies the assholessness.

But I let it fly anyways. and the people uh they bought it but the guy goes to me uh yeah he goes uh yeah the first five minutes they they didn't know they didn't know what to you know they they you did all right but then it took them about five or ten minutes i go yeah because i followed a guy with cerebral palsy i go up there i get fucking uh you, I'm doing P90X for Christ's sake. I'm doing Insanity 25. I go, you know, it just, you come across as more, I don't, you know, my comedy folks, it's attack mode. It's biting, it's cutting.

So it's, it's magnified after, you know, somebody with a physical affliction and who's, and the guy's got, it doesn't look like he's going to slow down, man. Mike Aronan, his name is. You might even know who I'm talking about. But he opened for me, yeah, in Baltimore on New Year's Eve at the Improv like 10 years ago or maybe eight years ago. And I went on after him. I said, somebody hit the champagne a little early, huh? You know, all kinds of mean shit like that. And he was in the corner crying, giving me the finger.

No, he was laughing his balls off. And I'm sure I'll work with the guy again. But, yeah, I was out in the middle of nowhere. It was a big, like, not a warehouse, you know, those bars. The ceilings were very high, like I told you, which is what you don't want for comedy. But the guy did a nice job. Nice sound system. Did a nice job of setting it up. And I told him I'd do it again.

I don't know if I meant that. I had three shots at me. I always do that for the ride home. Makes it go by faster when you're a little fucked up. Just hope you don't get pulled over. And, um, yeah, so I was, uh, I took a few pictures, there was one guy, like after the show, gonna buy a drink, I mean, he looked like a real wire

man, he had a beard, and I go, no, I'm all set, I just, you know, had a shot, and I got like a three-hour drive, come on, let me buy you, you know these people that actually get angry at you, he's fucking furled his brow, and go i'm all set and i took a few more pictures with some other people and then he comes back over come on let me get you a drink and i go no and he goes what the fuck i thought he's gonna like punch me in the face what is that boy is that is that not the sign of an alcoholic when they you know they want somebody to share in their misery. Holy Christ. But, yeah. Bang, bang.

Out of there. Home by midnight. So, you know, those are the gigs, I tell you. Those are the gigs as far as a comic. They pay good. And if they pay good, you take them and you get to work on new material. You don't care how you do. What if you, you know, I mean, I've been doing it long enough i'm gonna do an hour i can tank it for eight minutes in the middle of it and then then come back at the end of a half but that's how you try

out new stuff i was gonna get into more uh stuff about stand-up inside you know inside uh shop talk you guys aren't familiar with because i know people like that when you do that because it is an interesting process it still amazes me how i can be you know doing a bit that i've been doing for a month and it's murdering and then it two shows in a row it'll lay there you know and you're like what the fuck was it me that's that's what makes the job interesting you know that and like i said drinking before you drive home three hours. And I get home, you know, like I said, by midnight. And what do I see?

Terrell Suggs running naked down my driveway with my wife in the doorway waving to him. And so she caught a beating. Oh, come on. You know, I wouldn't do that. Why would I do that? You all know who I am. See you, everybody. Why would I do that? You all know who I am. What, I'm not? Sounds like me in the hotel.

I was like, where's my phone charger? Where's my phone charger? Where's my phone charger? Where the fuck's my phone charger? My phone charger. Yeah. That's a pleasant tune, isn't it? What's going on, folks?

What else? Enough of the whore shit. Reading the paper today. The headlines, man. Again, the political correctness is reaching a point where I just want to fucking take my own life. It's coming soon. There's a new study that says for each hour a day that an adult spends sitting down during their lifetime, the likelihood of developing heart disease goes up by 14%.

Get the fuck out of here with that. They're equating it. Because I remember reading this a couple months ago. They said sitting is the new smoking. Yeah, well, on the weekends, I must do about three or four cartons because I don't frigging move. Okay. Yeah. So sitting, people who, and it also says that daily session at the gym won't undo the damage

because any increase in fitness from an hour's exercise is overridden by several hours of sitting. So what am I supposed to do? Friggin

stand up all day and fucking do what? Jog in place? It's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. It was a medical college of Wisconsin. They tracked the activity of 2,031 adults, average age 50.

Jesus Christ, I'm even over that. The participants all spent 2 to 12 hours a day sitting at the office and in front of the television. Research has concluded every hour spent sitting, the levels of deposit, deposits in your blood vessels, I don't know what, they don't even mention what the deposit is, rises by 14%.

Regular running gym sessions and aerobic classes showed no evidence of significantly mitigating the risk. See, fat people are probably plotting that. But this is the one that kills me. And this lead researcher,

Dr. Jacqueline Kolkinski, this is the problem. And I've this lead researcher dr jacqueline kolkinski this is the problem and i've said it before i'm pointing these chicks they go to junior colleges and they think they have you know they think they're actual doctors an assistant professor of cardiovascular medicine she's an assistant professor she's almost a what's that a janitor uh she said that adults with office jobs should go for a walk every hour. Boy, that's spoken like somebody who has spent time in the workforce. Can you tell? She's been on campus her whole life.

Yeah, I'm sure your boss will understand that. Hey, boss, I know you get that meeting, but, you know, I'm getting fatty deposits in my blood vessels. I'm going for a one- to two-hour walk. I'll be back around four. You don't have a problem with that. Adults are supposed to go for a walk every hour. What the fuck?

Reducing the amount of time you sit by even an hour to a day could have a significant and positive impact on your future's cardiovascular health. Yeah, we know this by now. We know, but I mean, really? You're going to make me feel guilty sitting now? How about when I'm sitting down with a banana cream pie on my chest

watching a three-hour ball game? And if this was true, sitting is going to eventually kill you, tell it to this guy. The question of whether God is bound by the laws of science sitting is going to eventually kill you. Tell it to this guy. The question of whether God is bound by the laws of science is a bit like your question. Can God make a stone that is so heavy that he cannot lift it? That's my second Hawking reference in the show.

He should be dead by now. I don't think it is very useful to speculate on what God might or might not be able to do. Rather, we should examine what he actually does with the universe we live in. Okay, you want me to believe a guy who's got... What was the original diagnosis? ALS to the hundredth power? Okay. You want me to believe that, you know,

he's got that and supposedly sitting is now fatal, yet he's still alive. He was supposed to, they gave him six months about what, 65 years ago? This guy's turning out books with his tongue every three weeks. He's a billionaire, more productive than I'll ever be. And he's been sitting on his ass forever.

Yes, we know. Get up and move around once in a while. We don't need a goddamn associate professor to tell us that. Equating it with death. Give me a break. Right in the article, it goes, when you come home, don't sit in front of the TV if you have an office job. Okay, but you know, even when you sit down all day, because I've had an office job, again, that lasted about 11 months.

When you come home, you do want to relax. I guess you could put a treadmill in your house in front of the TV, I guess. I mean, but Jesus, people don't have that kind of money. And if you have a sedentary job, don't go home at night and sit in front of a TV for hours on end. I'm kind of in a weird position because I'm a comic. I stand up for about an hour. I work out still, which is crazy. My knees are creaking like an old rocking chair.

But I was doing T-Shon again. And there's another one. This is one of these broads. There's Beachbody.com. They put out this stuff. This girl Amber, who, not Amber, Autumn her name is. Negative body fat. I've never seen anything like it.

That's all these people must do. But it's funny. And then, you know, I'll work out for the hour and then I sit at a computer or read or whatever before I go get in my car and sit on my ass into the city and then I'll sit at the table with the other comics and then I'll go on stage if i'm in the city for 20 minutes and then get my car drive home so and you're gonna tell me the insanity

shit's not helping me because i'm i'm sitting more than i'm jumping around anyways enough of that friggin here's where i quit on all this information when i read uh this wasn't even six months ago you know omega-3 fats are great for you like in salmon and stuff like that and uh olive oil and all those and nuts and all those those oils are really good for i read an article like six months ago then they're going omega-3 oils may not be good for our men Six months ago, they're going, omega-3 oils may not be good for men. That's when I go, fuck you, all bets are off.

That night I ate half a margarita pizza at 238, right around the corner. Just to stick it up there. Okay, enough of the health stuff. What the hell else? What's else on the agenda here um that i wanted to talk about oh eric holder ways dismantling the ferguson police department gee who didn't see that coming um this is all about revenge nobody you talk about it's just so ironic he is the biggest racist in the country. I have more respect for Al Sharpton than I do Eric Holder.

Because Sharpton is who he is. You can see right through him. This guy tries to hide with his suit. And he just hates white people. He hates everything about this country. He sees race and white racism in everything. I love how, again, and I've said this before and I'll keep saying it until it changes. Every time we talk about racism, it's assumed it's white racism. Nobody even tries to go, you mean there's all kinds of racism, right?

No, no, no. It's always with a story like this. Yeah, I'm sure there was racism on the force of Ferguson. But see, he's irate that the wholeael brown thing didn't go down his way and he fucked all that up by flying in there before the grand jury actually came up with a decision remember that's how he tainted the whole thing he's the one that helped create that environment this kid had his hands up and the cop shot him in cold blood and and he added to that environment that's why they fucking burned the place to the ground after but even in his latest report he

clears darren wilson the cop so now he has to get revenge and yes there's racist emails amongst a predominantly white um predominantly white police force in a predominantly black town? Of course. You think if the shoe was on the other foot and it was a predominantly black police force in a white hillbilly town where the illegitimacy rate was about 90% and where they were all fucked up on meth, you think there might be any cracker jokes going around? It's just unbelievable. This notion that you're going to wipe that out completely is just fucking hilarious. And a couple of the cops resigned, a couple sergeants and a police captain, but they've been there for over 25 years.

You don't think they're happy to be out of that fucking mess? This is all about revenge on Holder's part. That whole Michael Brown thing didn't go down. The whole hands up, don't shoot was a bunch of horse shit, just like we told you dumb protesters fucking grabbing onto anything and uh of course there's some racism in this place for so go ahead and dismantle that makes you feel better about he's this guy's out the door in a week isn't he when's he leaving holder they've already named that woman Lynch to replace him. I mean, this guy is just a cheese dick.

Unbelievable. In a scathing report released on Wednesday, the Justice Department Civil Rights Division described the Ferguson Police and Municipal Court as a system whose primary function was to make poor black people pay as many fines and fees as possible for petty offenses, real or invented.

Yeah, it's almost like the white middle class being taxed the shit out of. Isn't it? I pay outrageous taxes because of all these entitlements that poor people are on and all the free shit they get. Sucks to be taxed, doesn't it, poor people are on. And all the free shit they get. Sucks to be taxed, doesn't it, poor people? It called the system, some of it, it called the system and some of its people racially discriminatory. And the police brutal.

Well, those guys that resigned, like I said, trust me, they can't wait to get out of there i'm sure well we have a long way to go because it's the 50th anniversary of salma or whatever i'm so tired i have racial fatigue i just i can't even i hear that stuff and i know you know and i yes i admire those people who marched and all that. But at this point, really? That's right. We haven't talked about how oppressive this country is to black people in almost 10 minutes. I just don't.

I have race fatigue, as they call it. But, and they're going, well, it's not just isolated to Ferguson. Of course not. Wherever there's poor black people, you have tensions like this. You notice that? That's the common denominator. And yes, police forces, it's not the police forces that need retraining. It's the dissolution of the black family.

I'm getting tired of saying this, and it's no secret, and I'm not the first to say it, but it's true. The breakdown of the black family causes poverty. That causes babies to be born out of wedlock. They're raised without a father in the home which leads to what?

Criminal behavior by the time they're 14. This has been going on. It's a cycle. Keep voting Democrat with these black people. Keep voting for Democrats. They're keeping you in this cycle.

Not that Republicans are any better. I'm just saying. Just try something else. The Eagle Scouts. Join the Girl Scouts. Anything. But that's why it's not isolated. Of course it's not isolated.

But it's never going to go completely away. There's always going to be racists of all colors. Give me a break. And then they always have this black cop on. I've seen him on Fox a few times and on other stations. His last name is Clark. I think he's a Milwaukee sheriff, and he's great. And they're saying that, oh, black people have pulled over

a disproportionate amount by the cops. he's great and he any and you know they're saying that oh black people have pulled over a disproportionate amount by the cops and he goes no we pull over people who are doing wrong that's who we pull up we don't know what their color is before we pull them over and just so happens that uh a lot of the times it's black people and that's what the statistics prove out that's coming from a black sheriff okay that's the truth of it a lot of the times you know i mean you you can't uh those are the numbers the numbers you know what do you get how does it benefit white cops to pull over and hassle black people how does that benefit them how does it make their life easier especially today when everybody's watching everybody's got a cell phone. I just, I'm not having it.

Especially after the whole Michael Brown thing. Total horseshit. And Eric Holder's report, that must really burn his ass. This last report said, yeah, Darren Wilson did not violate that guy's rights. But here's what we're going to do, because it didn't turn out the way we wanted it to. And I'm sure, look, of course, there's racist cops, you know, and you're going to find them,

you're going to find racists in all, all facets of life. It's the silliest notion that you're going to get rid of every single, but again, they never talk about black racism. And there was a poll, remember about a year ago in the paper, even black people admitted they're more racist than white people.

That was in a New York paper. I almost fainted when I read that. But let's just be adults about it. You can't just examine one part of it. I mean, Eric Holder, about a year ago, I had an article here. Remember, as far as black kids being punished in school? This is like a year ago.

NBCnews.com. This is January of 2014. The Obama administration Wednesday issued new guidelines on classroom discipline, this race on Wednesday issued new guidelines on classroom discipline, seeking to end the apparent disparities in how students of different races are punished for violating school rules. It wasn't just how they were punished. It was how many times they were being punished and what the statistics, um,

showed with it, you know, black, black kids were being, uh, disciplined more. And that's where it would stop though. Nobody acts as an,

nobody asks, did I say ask? Holy Jesus, did I just say ask? I was for about 10 seconds. They don't ask the next question. Are they committing, are they misbehaving more than other students? And the answer would be yes. That's why they're being punished more.

But nobody asks that question. Nobody asks that question. That's where the conversation stops. students and the answer would be yes that's why they're being punished more but nobody nobody asked that question nobody asked that question that's where the conversation stops hold the looks at the numbers and go well you're you're punishing black and brown students more he doesn't doesn't ask the question are they misbehaving more and then he tries to he tries to get real nuanced and saying it's how you're punishing some um students of color being punished for laughing in class yeah that was actually one of his things and uh of course that misbehaving well because they're more likely to come from a broken family it all goes back to that sorry you know so they they they want quotas for punishing now. We're going to punish white students differently than the students of color.

These fucking people, they've lost their minds. These are the people who are always singing about a colorblind society, yet they're obsessed with it. It's the silliest thing I've ever heard. But of course there was racist cops in ferguson dealing with that shit your whole life of course and there's racist emails everywhere be a good segue into hillary's email problems huh i'm just saying i can't wait for hold to go the hell away. God. Guy is as racist as anybody on the planet. Anybody.

Obama's a little less, I think, but I'm sure when they get in a room, I'm sure they're not bad-mouthing Whitey together, huh? They can't stand what this country stands for, how it was founded. They live in the past. If this shit did get cured, they'd have nothing to do.

They'd have no function in life. But it's always going to be there, okay? And it's, it's, I just wish Obama and Holden, people like him, would acknowledge the progress. But you always hear this, well, we got a long way to go.

Well, okay, when are you going to be happy? When, what? When white people are fucking picking cotton and you're whipping them? Will that do? I don't think that would do. I mean, at what point? There's a long way to go. Yeah, there is.

The black community has to get their shit together, too. Deal? The cops will get their shit together if you get your shit together. And I know plenty of black people who would agree with me. I don't know them, but I heard them on TV. Anyways, enough of that. I'm tired of talking about that. But what are you going to do? Hillary.

She can change the subject in her emails. How about this broad? She's not entitled, is she? She had her own servers using private email accounts instead of, you know, when you work for the government, they issue an account so people can have access to it. Freedom of Information Act. And people can see what you're doing. And she had her own server at the house in Chappaqua.

Okay. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the balls? And they're going, well, other people. Other people weren't Secretary of State. And when you do do that, if you do have a private account, those emails on your private account have to be preserved within an email account through the government so people can have access to it. That's how it's supposed to work. She didn't do that.

She didn't do that. She's got like five different private accounts. Well, she's secretaries. You think that might have come in? You think that might have been handy for her when all this controversy about Benghazi was bubbling up? You don't think that had anything to do with it? Oh, my God. And there's people trying to defend her.

That's why we're finished as a fucking nation. We're finished. People trying to defend this shit. finished. People trying to defend this shit. And I mean, even Lawrence O'Donnell, the biggest lefty, even he went after her and the New York Times broke the story. And you know why that is? Everybody's giving the New York Times a high five because they went after one of their own. This is they really want Elizabeth Warren in there, in my opinion. They don't want Hillary in there. She's old. She's got too much baggage i mean not only not only is she doing that right which is i think breaking the law having private accounts and and and uh

but she was also they they weren't even secure these servers aren't even secured so who knows who has access to her all her emails for the last few years. I mean, I'm sure China, Russia, Korea, North Korea. I mean, they have to. They have to know what the hell she was talking about. It wasn't even secured. It's like she's putting, it's like, that's so irresponsible. As Secretary of State.

I don't even think she's, I'm going to be honest with you, and I think I said this last time, I don't think she's going to run. I think I said that a couple weeks before this shit broke. Because her book tour was a disaster. Absolute disaster. She's finished. She's nothing special.

She's a smart woman. She's nothing special. She married Bill Clintoninton that's her biggest achievement she sucked his secretary of state i'm hoping the fuck she runs as a as a you know me being a republican a libertarian whatever you want to call me i'm hoping she with all that bag i mean i think this is gonna do it this is gonna put the kibosh on her that martin o'malley all that bag i mean i think this is gonna do it this is gonna put the kibosh on her that martin o'malley and governor of uh maryland he makes obama look conservative so he's i think he's throwing his hat into the ring because i think he sees that she's wounded

but uh i'd welcome it if i was a republicans i'd be welcoming hillary she's got so much bag foreign money going into the clinton Foundation from foreign countries while she was Secretary of State. That's another thing you can't do. That's illegal. I mean, on top of all the other shit, when Bill was in the... I mean, they're going to feast on her. She's like a sitting duck, and she's not that good on her feet anymore.

She's not as sharp as she was. I mean, what has she done? Nice reset with Russia. That went well. She flew around the world for a couple years. Sitting on her ass. She'll probably be dead from sitting on her ass. You know, it is the new cancer.

You know, it is the new cancer. You know? But just the hubris, man. It's unbelievable. And let's be honest. I think if she was a guy, if she had a dick, she'd be done right now. They wouldn't even be considering her as a nominee, the Democrats. But this is, once again again our obsession with gender politics we we had the first black fella gotta get a woman in there it's her turn it's her turn that's why she's still alive

politically i swear to god i mean damn you know Damn, you know, I've been... Hold on. I've been playing these sound clips and not even checking the level. I'm black, y'all, and I'm black, y'all. And I'm blacker than black, and I'm black, y'all. People pointed out that was from Chris Rock's movie, CB4, which I, you know, I totally forgot.

I only worked for the guy for a couple of years. Shows you how in tune I am, how hip I am. And that was a long time ago. But, yeah, so this is very interesting. You know, I'm just trying to figure out who the Dems have after Hillary. Who they got? Joe Biden? Yeah. who they got joe biden yeah joe biden huh that would be good who do they got they got a weak bench weak bench

um so i i predict that she says no mas don't you think so yeah right now right after all this stuff about email broke Bill probably was sitting at the kitchen table Hillary came in from a long day

and Bill just looked at her and you blew it you blew it i didn't bill i didn't blow anything yeah so yeah martin o'malley and uh elizabeth warren you know the half cherokee woman that went to Harvard. One-eighth Cherokee, whatever the fuck she lied about. The very itty Wall Street. It's going to be interesting. Poor Jeb Bush thinks he's still got a chance. I just don't.

It's hilarious. You see him on TV now. He moves just like George W. He keeps that right hand open when he talks. He has his five fingers like, just like George W. And you know, that's the last thing he wants to remind people of. Oh, I just think he's delusional. I mean, you know, I guess he's a good governor.

He was a great governor of Florida, but he was. But he's not conservative enough, I don't think, for the, you know, the base, as they call it. But I tell you, my money's on Rand Paul. He's sitting back on the wage. He's more of a libertarian. Even the young kids like him, you know? So remember not to sit on your ass this night when you watch TV, you know? Put a pull-up bar in your dining room and hang upside down like Grandpa Munster

while you're watching fucking American Idol. That's done. That's done. That's done. I watched Boxing came back last night on NBC for the first time in forever. Live Boxing. A couple of matches. There were two matches. And I remember the first two guys.

Broner. Black guy named Adrian Broner. I forget who he was fighting, but he was giving them a whipping, but it was boring, and they were getting booed. It was a 12-round fight, and about six of the rounds, they were getting roundly booed by the audience because they weren't doing anything. And the people at UFC must get a heart on them when they see that.

But then the second fight was a legitimate good fight. I think the kid's guy's name was Keith Thurman. Last name is Thurman. And welterweight with dreadlocks. Tough dude. And fighting this Robert Guerrero, another tough dude. And they were hammering each other. And, I mean, if you have more fights like that it will get popular again

um but i still i think i'm more of a ufc guy now they won me over there's just something about a roundhouse kick to somebody's head right in the middle of a fist fight that uh or you could choke somebody out it's kind of fun to watch but guerrero and uh yeah this kid, this guy Thurman was picking them, picking them apart and they banged heads and Thurman had an egg stick. It looked like a baby growing out of his head. It looked like another head growing out of his forehead. And, and then Guerrero's eyes were almost both closed. It was, it was just guys are animals, man. It was a great fight. But good luck, man, because UFC is really interesting and just as much fun. And I love boxing. So I don't know if you guys saw any of that last night.

It was pretty damn interesting. Anyways. What do we got here? Oh, here's another headline I missed. The headline, six hip-hop fans stabbed. Six men were stabbed and a woman was robbed during a hip-hop concert in Albany. You know, the birthplace of hip-hop. Latham.

None of the injuries was considered. wouldn't it be were considered? It says none of the injuries was considered life-threatening, and no arrests have been made in the attacks. Well, it says stabbed. What were these, in bobby pins? I'm going to get stabbed. And, oh, I guess I must have stabbed him in the elbow, in the feet. I don't know.

Where is this place? Washington Avenue Armory. Wait a minute. I'm doing it. Oh, that's in Syracuse. I'm doing it in Main Street Armory. No, in Rochester. What? Let me look at my book. I'm doing it. Oh, that's in Syracuse. I'm doing it in Main Street, Armory. No, in Rochester. What?

Let me look at my book. Am I doing that? I know I'm doing it in Armory somewhere. Main Street, Armory, Rochester. Okay. Could happen there, too. A 19-year-old woman told police she was followed into the restroom at the armory by six people who assaulted and robbed her. Oh, for heaven's sakes.

And you blew it! You blew it! Goddamn right. It's a heavy show today, huh? Well, you know what happens when the show gets too heavy. You know what we do. We haven't heard from this guy in a while when a man falls out of your boat and into the water you should yell man overboard now what should you yell if a woman falls

overboard false feet ahead That's so funny coming out of a gig. Yeah. I'm not excited about Phoenix. I really am. I'm adding up on this shit. Although I was just on vacation. Let's be honest. But, I guess that's about it for now.

I'll be doing the stand in the city a couple, three, four times this week. Working on stuff. That's the beauty of it. You do stuff here and there, and you... Oh, you know what I want to mention? I watched The Sopranos last night. And, uh... You ever watch, well, either a movie or TV show,

and there'll be a song, like Scorsese and Goodfellas, Layla. Can you ever listen to that song again without thinking about Goodfellas and that dead couple in the pink Cadillac under the bridge when you hear Layla? I mean, it's all I can think about now. And it was weird because I was in my car yesterday, and I hear a song which I absolutely love by the Shy Lights. And here's the song. That's me on harmonica, by the way.

I'm doing this live right now. Oh, girl I'd be in trouble if you left me now That's David Tell singing. Cause I don't know where to look for love I just don't know how Oh, girl. Do you like that?

Or do you like this better? Oh, girl. Say everybody. I love Saduro. I love Jazz. Do you love Jazz? Do you love Jazz? Oh, help me. Which one would you rather be listening to

Or you're fucking in broad My own time you would always be All my friends call me a fool They say Look at this You are the lovitizer This is for anal You are the lovitizer

You are the lovitizer This is anal music. This is fun with audio. Colin Quinn on keyboards. You are all part of me. Let the woman take care of you. Anyways, this song. So I'm trying to be hip. I can't hear this song without thinking of Tony Soprano.

And I wanted to play the clip from the show, but I don't know. YouTube's on to me. Do you remember when Tony Soprano, a few fans, and again, there's no way I can have fans out there who aren't experts on the Sopranos. Maybe. Maybe there's some youngsters. It's just the best thing that was ever on TV. Tony Soprano had a relationship with this guy, Zellman.

He was like a city councilor, you know, crooked guy. And they made backroom deals and shit. Anyway, Zellman ended up dating one of Tony's Russian, ex-Russian girlfriends, an old girlfriend of Tony's. But he was nice to tell Tony about it and explain, look, I'm seeing Irina, your old girlfriend, and just wanted to let you know. And Tony's like, hey, you're adults.

Do what you want, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, pretended like it didn't bother them. Then later on in the show, Tony has a few drinks. And this song comes on in the car, of course, the shine lights. It was featured throughout the whole episode. So he hears this and Tony starts getting misty-eyed in his truck. He's got a few in him. And all of a sudden he goes, fuck it, he makes a hard right

and he heads to his old girlfriend's house, who's now living with Councilman Zellman. But Gandolfini is so good. He's crying and he's wiping his eyes as he's driving, which I do all the time now. I don't know what that's about. I must have this, I know I have this low-grade clinical depression. Everybody has it, but it's weird as you get older. Anyways, so he's wiping his eyes, and then he just does this kind of evil laugh,

and he heads for her house, Zellman's house, the councilman, because he knows that they're living together. And he bangs on the door. She answers it, and he goes, you got a drink for me, honey? His old girlfriend. And he just, like, rushes past her and heads for the bedroom sees you know sees her shoes heads for the bedroom and there's zellman the city councilman like he's in his underwear or like gym shorts or whatever boxers and he look and

tony comes into his bedroom and tony's get his leather jacket on and Zalman's like, hey Tony, how you doing? Gandolfini is the scariest, he's got the best presence ever of just a frightening guy. Just staring at the guy. Zalman's like, you want to talk about it?

I mean, you want to calm down and talk about it? And Tony's probably like, I'm calm as he's taking off his belt like my father used to when i was when i was in a bit of trouble he's taking off his mouth he goes i'm calm and he just starts whipping the piss out of this poor bastard oh whipping this guy in front of his girlfriend uh this hot russian broad he's laying on the floor like in the closet and tony is just smacking him i don't know how they made this look so real you

can see these red welts coming off the red marks on his back but uh and uh god i wanted to play the clip the guy's like tony no and he's just smacking him on the back of the legs and the ass and the girlfriend's, the old girlfriend's just sitting there with her hands over her mouth and then Tony looks at him and the guy's on the ground

and he goes, go ahead, Tony, go ahead, cry like a bitch. Oh my God. He was the best good guy, bad guy, scary, dark side

and then he walks by his girlfriend who's sitting there. And there's a tear, her eyes are filled with tear. And he just taps her on the cheek and leaves. Oh, my God. I don't know why I love that so much. Oh, I forgot the best line. He goes, out of all the girls in Jersey, you had to fuck this one? Go ahead, cry like a bitch.

Oh, I wanted to play that clip, but it wouldn't let me. It wouldn't let me. I know it would have been much better. Anyways, so every time I hear this song, I picture Tony Soprano in his truck crying. I actually did it with my flip cam. Remember those flip cams a few years ago? I was coming over to the comedy and this was on and I had this on in the car and I filmed myself fake crying.

This girl Carla, I sent it to her and she laughed her ass off because she was familiar with this episode. But anybody out there, and you have to be living under a rock if you haven't seen every Sopranos episode. Go ahead.

Cry like a bitch. Tony, no! No, Tony! What a great song, though. God. Nice and relaxed, and then you get this I'll have a pack of Marlboro Lights please and get some tic tacs could you turn that shit down Oh, for the love of Pete.

Anyways, kids, good to be back with you. And come see me, I don't know, if you're in the city, at the stand or wherever. Not really, though, because you can watch me bomb as I work on new stuff. That's what I'm, like, I have nothing. I have no auditions. I have nothing else. No other business to take care of. I can focus.

I can't compartmentalize. Like my buddy Colin Quinn, who can be working on a one-man, he can be writing a play, writing a book, and writing stand-up. And I don't know. I can't do that. I i have to fucking i can't walk and chew gum man i have to i love when i see a hole in my schedule where i'm like in the city for the next 10 days and i can you know focus and work on stuff i'm more i'd say i'm more than halfway to a new hour though about half yeah more yeah definitely more than halfway but uh it's fun it's a fun process man it's fun as you get older it's actually you become more efficient you throw away the old stuff quicker because like i said i can't remember it i can't dip into stuff from my last album because i can't remember it so uh yeah yeah, it's onward and upward, or upward and onward

to the next one. But thank you for you guys out there. Like I said, the album's doing well on iTunes. It's always on the top of the charts there somewhere. And it's nice. And hopefully, I guess, Raw Dog,

they're revamping the channel or something. But they're supposed to start playing it this week. I got that from my buddy Lou over at Sirius Radio. Because it's not in the rotation yet. But he said it's because they're revamping the station. And I will monitor that closely. You know how I am. But you guys, thanks for the support on that.

It's going pretty damn good. That's about it. Like I said, for you in the D.C. area, come see me 20 and 21st at the Arlington Draft House in Alexandria.

And 26, 27, 28, the House of Comedy in Phoenix. I guess I've covered it all. All right. Yeah, that's it. And you know how I feel about you. If you don't, this guy will tell you.

I love you for helping me to construct my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. of my life. Not a tavern, but a temple. I love you because you have done so much to make me happy. You have done it without a word,

without a touch, without a sign. You have done it by yourself. Fucking smash his fucking face in. Being yourself. Perhaps after all, that is what love means. And that is why

I love you. Good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.