The Nick DiPaolo Show - 082 - Bye Bye, Dave and B.B.

Episode Date: May 26, 2015

Bye Bye, Dave and B.B.

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. And action. Hello, kids. What a beat. What it is. What it was. I don't know what we're going to talk about today. I don't know. These fucking preparations taking longer and longer, you know.

I love doing this shit, Got to be honest with you. I'd rather be in a radio studio with four producers right now going, hand me that fucking article, will you please? What's happening? Did you have a good Memorial Day? Did you? Huh? Let's get the business out of the way.

The plugs real quick. Go have a bit. I had, you know, an actual sponsor to plug uh uh come see me uh side splitters tampa june four five and six that's a week from this thursday uh side splitters of tampa is a great gig my hard drinking friend bobby jewel owns it uh then see me at red's in carlstadt new jersey on the 14th of june that's a sunday night sunday night i can't remember the last time i did a gig on a sunday night uh then uncle vinnie's in point pleasant on on June 27th. That's a Saturday night.

Remember to bring your own booze to that one. People bring their own booze to that one. They don't have a liquor license. It just cracks me up. Ridgefield Playhouse, July 18th. It's one of my favorite gigs. What a beautiful venue for me to soil with my filthy mouth and attitude. And this bucolic Connecticut setting, just a beautiful town with parks and green grass,

and I'll come in and take a big dirty dump, pick up the check and get out. It's beautiful. No, it's a beautiful theater. It's really, really fabulous. I don't say that sarcastically. really really fabulous i don't say that sarcastically uh anyways what is going on uh i don't know i don't know what the hell you want to talk about what's the biggest story since we last chatted uh david lederman that's what it is because that was like on the 20th, I believe, what, Wednesday, last Wednesday,

so we haven't chatted since, have we, and yeah, it's sad, it really is, man, because, did I mention this last week, I can't even remember what I talked about, maybe I should put some notes down, yeah, I started watching him 1980, uh yeah i started watching him 1980 that's when he was on in the mornings on nbc and um i remember watching one of the shows at the end they had some couple on who was celebrating like their 70th wedding anniversary this old couple and the credits are rolling and they had cray paper and sparklers and some of the cray paper and decorations caught on fire. That's when I said, this is the show for me. Letterman saying good night.

And behind him, there's like some guy stomping on flames like two feet high. Fucking belly laughing. That's when he was a rebel and, you know, anti-TV, anti-Hollywood. That, you know, when he went to late night, he kept that for a while, that attitude when he was at NBC. But then at the end, it turned kind of corporate. But what are you going to do?

You got to do what you got to do, don't you? I mean, mama, Mia. If you want to make the really big bucks, I guess. But here's Dave saying goodbye. All right, that's pretty much all I got. The only thing I have left to do for the last time on a television program. Thank you and good night. Well done, Dave.

Funny SOB, man. Funny SOB. Yeah. funny sob um yeah one of my definitely my biggest thrills was doing that show did it twice you know it's funny i could have done it a third time i went with joe list last year when he did his letterman debut and bill shep who's a producer on the show you see him all the time in the background he's got a gray, a white beard, actually. The guy grew up actually a mile from me. You know, I didn't meet him until years ago here in New York. We started chatting.

I don't remember what the event was, but he goes, where are you from? I go, the North Shore of Massachusetts. He goes, me too. I go, where? He goes, Beverly. That's where all He goes, Beverly. That's where all my relatives still reside, most of them. I go where?

He goes, Ryle's side. That was literally about a half mile walk from the top of my street. Anyways, yeah, Billy Sheff. He said, you know, yeah, I said I was thinking about doing the show again. And he said, okay. And this girl came in, the booker. I don't even know her name.

He introduces me and said, you know, Nick might want to do a third set or whatever. And this was, again, last year when Joe List was doing his thing. So after the show, I start talking to her. She goes, I'm okay, but no homeless stuff, no cancer stuff. She rattled off like four things. And it was so obvious she must have been familiar with my work. But it was such a turnoff. We haven't even got to the stage where you go out to the clubs and you test the set.

And she's telling me what i can't do it was basically i think she was reading from a list of shit that nick topalo finds funny jesus christ was that a turn off then i'm like you know what forget it that's the i got lucky when i when i first did it they didn't really they didn't play with my set much they made a change here and there um but they that's what that's what you do folks when you do let them into the tonight show you go out with the producers you know the week before or two weeks before and you go around to the clubs and you show them the set you want to do and and then they tweak it people some well some of them some of them have have some stand-up experience but most of them are giving you notes that have never told a joke in their life.

And, you know, and there's standards and practices. You can't say this, you can't say that. And maybe if you cut this joke a little short. And the thing is, you've been doing those bits at that point for a year or a year or two in a certain order, and you wrote them with a certain rhythm, and then they want to fuck with it and it's it's really that's why i as much as it was a thrill to do let them in and the tonight show and stuff it's just an uncomfortable process because you can't really be yourself

you know depends what kind of act you do i I guess. But I had just moved back from Los Angeles at that point. I did my first one in June of 2001. And, yeah, I remember finding out I got the show and just it was really exciting. It was just, you know, I went shopping. I think my wife was still in L.A. She was my girlfriend at the time. I remember going shopping for a new suit and shoes and just exuberant because I had been a Letterman fan for years.

Like I said, watching it in college and skipping sociology every morning to watch Letterman and the late night show on NBCbc and just you know loved it just loved his attitude and um so yeah it was a it was a bit of a thrill and um yeah buying the shoes and the suit and uh it was just cool and then going to the comedy cellar i think you tape it in the afternoon late in the afternoon six or whatever and then going to the Comedy Cellar, I think you tape it in the afternoon, late in the afternoon, six or whatever. And then going to the Comedy Cellar that night upstairs at the Olive Tree Cafe and everybody turned everybody turned the TV up and everybody got quiet. And you're watching it amongst your peers. And I mean, it really is.

It really is a cool thing to be when you first get into it. a cool thing to be when you first get into it at least if you got into it when i get into it in the late 80s you know letterman was huge and and and a lot of us got into it because we that was one of our first things i want to do letterman on the tonight show whatever but more so letterman because it was more edgy and uh yeah absolute, absolute thrill. And then I'm on Twitter, and people, I had mentioned Letterman last week, and somebody on Twitter said, well, I can't find your set on the Internet anywhere. It's because CBS owns it, and wherever they find it, they usually pull it down. But I guess I can host it on my site or some shit. I don't know.

I'll ask my web guy. But here's some audio. That's the beauty of a podcast. Here is, well, let's talk about his good night show, by the way. I set my DVR because I was obviously going into the city to work on my shitty little act. VR because I was obviously going into the city to work on my shitty little act. And, uh,

I come home and I'm watching the final episode in its entirety of Letterman cutting back and forth to play off hockey, which has been frigging fabulous, by the way, uh, how you people can watch fucking NBA is beyond me. And you don't have to have played hockey as a kid. If you're a sports fan, you can look at the two side by side.

Uh, Excuse me. Anyways, and yeah, so I'm watching the Letterman, the final episode. Blah, blah, blah. It's about to introduce the Foo Fighters, I guess. And my goddamn thing cuts off. I know the show must have went long. But, you know, it's a show it's it never cuts off I record a lot of them all the time and it cuts off I didn't get to see him say good night and shit

which is again no biggie I mean back in the 80s you might have panicked but now I just jump on the computer obviously and watch it but I'm like what the fuck really um it was a pretty good show he had all those uh famous folks on you know the huge seinfeld and bill murray to do the top 10 list and chris rock and alec baldwin and somehow barbara walters made it in there um don't you love when they have to lower the standards out of fairness the fuck does she have to do with anything yeah motherfucker anyways uh yeah it was good they showed some old clips him fucking around uh taco bell and the drive-thru window with a headset on fucking with people and uh uh back when it was really funny and edgy and i believe when letterman goes uh you know he goes we've done it we've done 6 000 shows and uh most of them have sucked I think he really believes that

he's such a perfectionist and here's one that sucked with me on it my first shot I was with Tony Danza was the other guest my wife was thrilled did she even come with me she was in LA I think she was in LA I don't think she was with me on that. My wife loves Tony Danza. Isn't that hilarious? I mean, she's had a crush on him since she was, you know, 10. He did a one-man show somewhere in Manhattan a few years ago. I took my wife, you know, one of those Regency Hotel deals or whatever it's called. And I took my wife for her birthday.

You know, so you're sitting in a small restaurant watching him do like a one-man show. He sings, dances, and tells jokes, and man, does he have cancer of the funny bone. I mean, malignant. Spread to his kidneys and his... But he was actually good. I mean, he's like somebody said in a paper in the New York Post. It's like something like very talented cousin or something, but he was really, you know, you could tell, like tap dancing and shit. I mean, he's like somebody said in a paper in the New York Post. It's like something like very talented cousin or something.

But he was really, you know, you could tell, like tap dancing and shit. I mean, crazy. My wife's sitting there getting all moist. I'm sitting there fucking yawning. My eyes are watering. I'm eating breadsticks by the tons. And, yeah, I told her she can, that's the one. You want to bang him?

She's like, oh, he's old now I'm like shut up like that matters to you that only matters to me and girls guys don't like older women like I'm fresh and taut but I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but uh Tony Danza was on and uh it couldn't have been nicer his dressing room room was next to mine. And later on, actually, when I went out to L.A., I had a deal with this company. It might have been before that. I'm so bad chronologically. I am the worst. I had a deal with Katie Face Productions.

Yeah, that was in the, yeah, from 95 to 99. I got to go to his house. And I'm sitting on this couch drinking heineken with him he he was just he had just taken batting practice he had a batting cage in the backyard and then he comes in in like his baseball uniform or softball i can't remember what it was but was sitting on the couch drinking a heineken and he's telling me how much money, who's the boss, made ABC and shit. And then his little daughter came in, and she's got to be, Christ, if this was 96, 2000, and she was probably four, she's got to be 23, 24 now.

She was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen in my life. I don't mean that in a sick way, you bastards. I know I had lunch with Woody Allen. Don't get the wrong impression. But, yeah, just the most beautiful little girl in this beautiful house. And then I had a deal with his company, production company

called Katie Face. That was her name, Katie Face Productions. And I remember later on I had to audition for something that wasn't part of the deal. It was another production that he was doing.

This was a couple years later when I was still living in L.A., went into the audition, and I was reading with him, and I was nervous, and I had already met him. I refreshed his memory a couple years earlier, and he goes, yeah, yeah, I remember. And right in the middle of the audition, he licks his thumb, and he wipes my face like I had something on it, which I didn't

that i know of and then i had mentioned that to like an acting coach out there in la and the guy goes oh he was what he's trying to do is make you um he's trying to make you relaxed i go really by fucking wiping his uh greasy saliva on my his garlic few saliva on my, his garlic-fueled face, on my face with his spit. Kind of an odd technique, you know? Maybe a shot of Zamboco would have helped. I didn't get whatever I was reading for. But, uh, anyways, he was the guest on the show. My wife couldn't have been more thrilled.

I think she was more thrilled than me actually doing Letterman. But, uh, here's a little of a little of my first Letterman set. I'll turn it down so you people don't get all pissed off at me. This is a very funny comedian making his debut on our show. Never been here before, so make him feel at home. You can see him next month at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Here's Nick DiPaolo. The Stones, Beast of Bird. Yeah. Thanks, folks. Nice to be here. I mean that because I lived in LA for three years.

Gonna be back in New York. New York City, they call it the city that never sleeps. How come I see people passed out all over the place? This city's exhausted as far as I'm concerned. I think Giuliani ought to place the park benches with futons. These people can sleep. See, I couldn't do this if I wanted to do another set because I'm making fun of homeless people. But back in 99, you could. Back in 2001, I should say. If anywhere, how do they do it? I mean, I got a $2,000 waterbed at home. I toss and turn all night.

These people are like, what's that, a broken Heineken bottle? Yeah. This is old. Now, can you put a brick on my head and keep the sun out of my eyes? I give him money when he's nasty. He knows God can help me. Hey, can you help me out? I'm starving, man.

I'm starving. I'm like, hey, do you see a chef's hat on my head? What am I, you know? Enough of the clapping, for Christ's sake. But I'm getting laughs, too. That's hard to do. What am I supposed to do? Whip him up a Reuben on the sidewalk?

Is a pigeon a foot away with a loaf of bread? Go bust his chops. He's a bird. He's doing better than you are. Then I see the guy the next day. No, I'm doing a pigeon. Walking like a pigeon. That was stupid.

No need for that. But they liked it. They enjoyed it, the people. I'm in front of my building Yesterday A lady comes up to me She's got more facial hair Than I do

She's got one tooth True story She's like Why did he leave me? Why did my husband leave me? I'm like I don't know Smiley

You were hogging The dental floss? I don't know I'm guessing Your husband needed Some time to himself i've known you for two seconds so i could use a vacation a smart mouth on this guy the other tough part of new york is the rent obviously i'm paying 2 000 bucks for one bedroom

and uh this place is so small you couldn't raise veal in this dump. Surprisingly, let me say that. That was controversial, actually. We had to discuss that one. And it's funny when you do a TV set as opposed to the way you've been doing it in the clubs. I used to say you couldn't raise veal in this shithole. And I must have said it a thousand times that way. And then you've got to make it turn. I've got to turn to the word dump.

And that's the one thing that you fear, you know, if you curse a little bit. Probably not like a big problem for Gaffigan or whatever when he does TV because his club set's probably close as far as language. But things like that, you're afraid you're going to drop an F-bomb or say shithole instead of dump and little things like that. And believe it or not, it kind of fucks with your head. The type of place where I'm sitting on the toilet in the bathroom and doing the dishes in the kitchen at the same time.

That joke's been stolen by about eight people since. Probably did it before I did it. Ding dong. Oh, the front door. Yeah, come on in. Have a seat in the... Anybody who's moved to New York and lived in those apartments, I'm saying any comic, I'm sure we've all touched on it. But I like my take the best, don't you?

I'm sure you do. I'm in a car with the four guys who broke in last night. My bathroom is like two feet by four feet, but it's got that pipe in the middle that heats up to 8,500 degrees Kelvin. And I keep backing into it while I'm brushing my teeth. By the time I leave the bathroom, my ass looks like a 16-ounce ribeye from Applebee's. I get to say Applebee's.

And ass. I can never get quiet. People living above me, it's never an old lady by herself. It's always like three sumo wrestlers wearing clogs, learning to tap dance i'm coming three sumo wrestlers wearing clogs learning to tap dance that originally that line was um something about a woman a 500 pound woman with a club foot an obese woman with a club foot it was much funnier and edgier and meaner but i changed it had to change it to like sumo wrestlers with clogs instead of a club foot because i wouldn't want to offend uh the two women

that are over 500 pounds with with a club foot you know i'm sure that i'm sure they would have been picketing and limping at the same time in front of the letterman studio i had to change it uh that's the one joke that they fucked with. But hey, what are you going to do? Down the stairs, they're heading up with a gallon of Haagen-Dazs and a Gregory Hines album. That was a nice fat laugh. You hear that?

I have like a militant feminist living above me right now. She's in the army and we don't get along. We're always arguing about stuff me right now. She's in the army and, you know, we don't get along. We're always arguing about stuff. And I think women should be in the army. I don't think they should be in the front lines because women don't throw that well. You know, I don't think 20 soldiers should die because Pam's grenade toss landed a foot from the bunker. Would I be allowed to even say that today? Women can't throw that well?

You can't say women and can't in the same sentence. I think you're actually putting a, that's like a year, what, 12 to 18 months in federal pen, isn't it today? Pretty sure it is. Thank you, fuckers. Um. You landed behind us, Shannon This girl's like muscular She goes to my gym I think she's doing steroids

She's bragging how her bench press went up 50 pounds And she put two inches on her arms She doesn't mention the fact she grew a tail over the summer She's grown like I almost got like Eight inches over the summer She's like She's like tall enough

To hunt geese with a rake You know Really Nick Eight inches over the summer I don't know what she's taken But Fucking liar I went into her apartment once

I stepped on a piece of glass I had to go to the emergency room You go to the emergency room You need immediate care What do they make you do When you get there? Wait I waited for like two and a half hours

And this nurse comes out With this bitchy attitude How are you going to pay for this? I said with my life If you don't pick up the pace You know I don't know I don't know.

I don't want to say there's a long line in the waiting room, but the guy in front of me is being treated for a musket wound. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Somebody gave me a, it's the equivalent of a rim shot, only with a guitar. They went, how dare they? They're commenting on my joke, band which is pretty cool but uh they gave me a rule how'd you hurt your back uh fell off the trojan horse hurley

the head nurse comes out as her john quincy adams here i i had to get crutches. They don't even assemble them for you. They give you like a bag of wood, a bunch of wing nuts and a pen knife. My Geppetto, you know, I'm not good with my hands. I made one crutch and a five foot pepper mill. good with my hands i made one crutch and a five foot pepper mill and i was like thank you very much folks that's it i changed that too everybody nice job that's very funny thank you we'll be right back ladies and gentlemen come on over and have a seat over here oh you hear that i get to sit down Come on over and have a seat over here. Oh, you hear that? I get to sit down. Thank you very much. Nice job, Nick.

Now, you see, you live in L.A. now, or you moved back here? I moved back. I went out there to become an actor. Oh, good. I got one job in six years. The only acting I did was my parents called me and asked how I was doing over the phone. I was like over the phone. It's horrible. Well, hey, listen, have a lovely holiday weekend and a lovely holiday Wednesday or whatever the hell it is.

Thanks to Nick DiPaolo, Tony Danza, and James Earl Jones, ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you Monday with Regis Philbin. Have a nice weekend. Good night. Regis. What are the odds? Stop it! night regis what are the odds stop it and here's the thing about the panel i actually uh it's funny i i think they scheduled for like four and a half minutes of stand-up i did like 555 or 550 so they must have needed the time i went over like way way over and they left the set in its entirety and then when i did panel i told a story oh is that the second time i did let him no i only did panel one yeah it was then. I told a story. He asked me more about L.A., going out there to be an actor. And I told a little story about it was me and the same five Italian guys.

Every audition I went to, it was me and the five same Italian guys in the waiting room. So after a while, we started carpooling to the audition. I said it was me and Ralph Macchio drivingchio and driving around looking for joe pesci something like that which um that got edited for time but they left in that i believe i have that right have you ever have you ever heard anybody who does something that's like supposedly so meaningful in their life and they can't recall any of it i have no i'm uh sort of like a Letterman like that. I'm not very sentimental, you know. I don't take pictures and shit. Luckily, my buddy Greg Zook was with me when I did my first Letterman.

You know, and he got to picture me after under the Ed Sullivan Theater, under the Letterman signage. I don't do any of that shit. I don't even, even when I did the Tonight Show, luckily my wife had her camera with her and we got pictures with Jeff. I just, I do it and I forget about it the next day. I'm looking for the next thing. Fucking Deepak Chopra or whoever the fucking guy is would really hate the way I live.

I just, I never, I'm never in the moment. Except when I'm on stage at a comedy club. But I'm always looking ahead. Everything's in a rear view mirror in two seconds. And it's like, okay, whatever. This is sort of my mentality. It's like, well, I'll be dead in 50 years. It's not going to mean shit. It's kind of sad, isn't it? Sure it is. Um, but that's how that went and that was a thrill man and and sitting next to him was a thrill and uh yeah he's gonna be missed even though it's like i said kind of a corporate show the last 10 years or more than that i should say right when i went to cbs kind of got uh a little bit uh you know, boring.

But he was always, like I said, I watched him because he was a bit of a curmudgeon and always wanted to see what kind of mood he was going to be in, which I love. And then he's banging interns and shit. Come on. You got to kind of like a guy like that, don't you? Sure. What? So how was your memorial day? You know what did well i call it mucking i don't know

what it is but uh i i told you about this on previous episodes i have that pond out here and last year all this like green algae grew and uh you know i threw carp in there and uh i don't know what happened to the carp but anyways anyways uh there's this there's green stuff growing this year but not like last year it's not the whole pond isn't like bright lime green it's like this greenish weedy shit so i you know i got this rake that i ordered online that i assembled it's got like a 15 foot aluminum handle and the horizontal part with the teeth on it is like four feet wide and has like plastic teeth that are eight inches long and and there's a rope tied to the end of the hand and

you toss it into the lake and you pull you know you pull all the green shit out really doesn't have to be done but you know i just thought i don't know i needed a workout and jesus is it a workout i did that two days in a row and uh that's what i did i was drinking heineken lights and mucking my pond my wife's on the other side of the house planting her garden and uh i look like one of those hillbillies down in louisiana you know, jumps into the water and catches giant fish with their bare hands. I forget the term for that, but I'm just covered in muck and shit. And must've done that for like five hours straight. And you talk about when you pull that shit up, literally you have like 50, 50, 40, 50 pounds of seaweed or algae, whatever the fuck you want to call it on a rake

picture through tossing that in and pulling it and doing that like i don't know 500 times in an afternoon can't even friggin i couldn't even whack it last night looking right forearm is just feels broken it's not but uh yeah that was my memorial day that and watching uh you know playoff hockey and watching mike napoli for the red sox go on a tear finally and um that was about it what was some of the what was some of the shit that went on since i talked to you um um no BB King BB love BB King he passed away actually he passed away

a week and a half ago probably but um two of BB King's heirs who have been most outspoken about the blues legend uh

blue legend's care in his final days, have accused two closest aides of poisoning him. His two daughters are claiming that Bebe's care, the guy that looked after Bebe, poisoned him. But the cops say no, as of today. but the cops say no as of today three doctors determined that kim was a appropriately cared for and he received 24-hour care monitoring by medical professionals up until the time he peacefully passed away in his sleep

but his daughter karen and patty the other ones uh But his daughter Karen and Patty. The other ones, they say they were prevented from visiting Bebe while he was sick. And you know who stopped them? Bebe's business manager, Laverne Toney. Also Bebe's personal assistant tony is named in bb king's will as an executor of an estate that according to court documents filed by lawyers for some of king's heirs could total tens of millions of dollars so uh even though the cops said they don't see any sign of foul play. He died on May 14th, by the way, in hospice care in Vegas.

89. And, yeah, one of the daughters says, I believe my father was poisoned in that he was administered foreign substances. Patty King and Williams said in identical worded sections of affidavits provided to the AP by their lawyer. I believe my father was murdered in an autopsy was performed Sunday. Test results will take up to eight weeks to obtain and shouldn't be affected by the fact that King's body has been embalmed. Clark County Coroner Judge Fudenberg said.

But statements yesterday say there was no immediate evidence supporting murder allegations and that's sad huh it's gonna get ugly again remember it happened with Casey Kasem too and who else James Brown it happens once while somebody James Brown have they even buried James Brown I think he's leaning like they got him leaning against a uh somewhere in the garage they get him leaning against like a fucking snowblower like I'm gonna do if my my wife dies before me because I'm totally clueless when it comes to a state you know affairs god can you imagine my wife knowing that I'm in charge with the paperwork if all that shit oh my god they're gonna find her in a goddamn they're gonna find her in a dumpster behind

midas muffler i don't know what the body is start to stink um but bb king man i fucking love that guy when i was a senior in high school he played at hampton beach new hampshire at this venue that i had actually done comedy since in and um yeah me and my buddy bob murphy loved the bb king and we got this we was standing right in the front stage wasn't that big a place standing right next to the stage and it was over i got to shake his hand he reached down all sweaty and shit i boiled my hand for two and a half hours because it looked really no um but uh it was a thrill to meet him no pun intended and um there he was larger than life we had been listening to his records. And he's got that voice, man. Just listen to that voice.

Listen to that. Born to do this shit. You're diabetes, you know. That's right, hypertension. Boy. I saw, like, a picture of him recently, though. I don't know. His daughter's made up a point.

It looked like somebody poisoned him. I know he's been very sick. But, I mean, he looked gaunt. You guys can Google that. I'll give you a second but he uh oh yeah no surprise neck a guy who was dying didn't look good well i mean he looked really gaunt but i hope that is not true and i doubt it is but that's what happens now they're gonna be fighting over money the guy's body isn't even cold yet.

That's me on guitar, by the way. So, uh, baby. Class act, man. God. And he was still doing over like Christ up till a few years ago. I know he was still doing 300 nights a year on the road. Can you imagine? Just meant to do it. Well, I'm meant to do comedy.

But if I bang out 160 nights this year, I'll be surprised. I'm really getting sick of it. I got to be honest with you. I like being on stage and doing a full hour. That's the only time I enjoy it anymore. When I'm, you know, actually up there creating and having fun. But this driving into the frickin' city every night and working on 15, 20-minute set,

it's just, it's just, I don't know. I guess it's necessary, but it's really getting to me, man. Fuckin' de Blasio implementing his $200 dollar infrastructure plan i think i'm even low on that figure he's gonna tear up every street in every borough just to give people work and it's happening man you can't get in and i the city is they purposely mike vecchione is a

comedian he comes into the the comedy cell the other night at the table and you can see he's got like a pissed look on his face he had just trying to I thought I was the only idiot that drove in the city apparently he lives you know in probably one of the auto boroughs he was trying to get from the comic strip to the comedy cell you know the comic strip is like 80 second in second

and it took him he said took him like almost an hour just because of construction it is they don't want you to drive in the city it's so obvious it's intentional and that's their plan there there's bike lanes everywhere there's fucking lanes for sun tanning and and time square now they lay it out and launch it they don't want they do not want automobiles anywhere between the bus lanes on one side and bike lanes on the other, you just, it's literally, the driver comes third.

Maybe some of you think that's a good idea. And to that, you know, I don't know what to say to you. If you think that's a good idea, you should move to Beijing because that's what it's starting to look like. Everybody's on a bike and it's so goddamn frustrating. Oh, God. So, um,

what the fuck was I even talking about? Yeah. So, uh, BB's gone and nothing we can do about it. He's gone. You know who else died? Ann Mira. So, uh, BB's gone and nothing we can do about it. He's gone. You know who else died? Ann Mira.

That's Ben Stiller's mother, you know, Stiller and Mira, Jerry Stiller. And Ann Mira. That's how old I am. I remember them being on like Hollywood Squares and the Merv Griffin show and actually finding them funny as kids. And she passed away this past Saturday. So condolences to Ben Stiller and his family. She was a funny lady. To be in show business for over 60 years.

You understand how unbelievable that is? It's crazy. First of all, to live to your 60 is pretty good. But yeah, that was kind of sad. I can feel through the microphone microphone you people don't give a fuck about her all right let's get to some dick jokes huh uh what was the name of bb king's guitar everybody yeah that's right lucille you know i was named lucille uh you know the history behind that he was playing some club um that ended up burning down he ran in and saved his guitar and the reason it burned down two guys getting a fight in a bar

over a woman named Lucille and something happened I don't know if they knocked over a couple candles or somebody's lighting farts in the men's room I don't know but the place burned down but he saved the guitar and he called up Lucille. Apparently that was the name of the broad the two guys were fighting over. Might be all horse shit, but I kind of like that story. I'm going to keep spreading that rumor. Seeing as I made it up four minutes ago. No, it's a true story.

According to BB. Yeah. What the hell else? Memorial Day. Hope you didn't spend it in kind of a violent Memorial Day across the country. Did you notice? I'm talking to you. Yeah, there were shootings. There was shootings.

I'm talking to you. Yeah, there were shootings. It's raining in Baltimore. Yeah, it sure was raining in Baltimore. Everything else is the same. Yeah. It's raining in Baltimore in 15 years two dozen shootings over the holiday weekend can you imagine

over the Memorial Day weekend alone 28 shootings and nine homicides. Baltimore police responded to six shootings on Friday night, seven on Saturday, five on Sunday, and 11 by nightfall on Monday. I don't think there were that many shootings in Ramadi where ISIS has taken control. By the way, the world's coming to a fucking end.

If you don't believe that you know well maybe not to an end but uh it's real dark right now one of the guys one of the kids in uh included in the double shooting was a nine-year-old boy shot in the leg i mean we are a third world shithole we are a third world shithole and okay we poured zillions into baltimore over the last 30 years so there's your liberal fucking answer it ain't working you got it wrong let somebody else try your way doesn't work and it's a democratically run we've already been through this after the riots it's been a democratically run for the last 50 years okay and you're failing miserably same with chicago i was going to play a song with the word chicago in it but i didn't feel like putting the effort they had like 30 shootings over the weekend

okay so give me a break uh but here's the thing when all this shit goes down is the witnesses don't say anything you know i mean you snitches get stitches as they say in the streets yo so that's the problem. None of this shit gets solved. So don't complain when it keeps happening in the same neighborhoods. Goddamn, Baltimore. Too bad, man. I like that city. You ever been there?

It's, uh, parts of it are beautiful. I'd say about a three by three foot area. I was sitting there, and I told this before I was sitting there having lunch I was playing the improv in Baltimore I got on by the waterfront which is the you know quote unquote safe part it's uh one in the afternoon and a guy runs by me a kid runs by with a red bandana with a knife chasing another guy as I'm eating my sandwich beautiful sunny day holy fucking moly memorial they always uh is that when they do the biker thing too didn't they do that in miami i think they put a stop to that it always big you know

big shootout like the one they had in not like waco but uh you know damn close um speaking of libs big news today the house just issued a major blow to obama's illegal amnesty plan president obama for short-term political reasons announced he would issue an executive order can you imagine arrogance on this guy to grant amnesty to five million illegal immigrants he did that a while ago and uh i guess it was shot down by a republican controlled house by the way what he's trying to do is a direct violation of the constitution okay he thinks he's a fucking king, this guy.

So anyways, House Republicans voted Thursday to block Obama's immigration executive actions, though it was unclear whether the largely symbolic step would be enough to prevent a risky budget standoff next week. They have a three-pronged plan. I'm not going to get into it too heavily. God forbid we talk about stuff like this and not do the dick jokes uh the legislation is a part of a three-step plan by uh house gop leaders to both address

obama's immigration maneuvers and approve a new spending bill to avert a partial government shutdown they're gonna try this again they're gonna get blame for it again next uh next week the chamber set to vote on a bill funding most of the government through oh i see what they're gonna get blamed for it again next uh next week the chamber set to vote on a bill funding most of the government through oh i see what they're doing see the house as you know the congress controls the purse drinks so they're gonna fucking hold back funding for this amnesty thing you see what they're doing here but uh might mean the government being shut down and how that's a bad thing it's beyond. Anytime these assholes aren't fucking up. So that would tee up a new fight over funding for Obama's immigration policies when Republicans control both chambers.

But conservatives want to have that fight now and use the looming December 11th deadline. That's when current government funding expires. Type of funding that leverages the immigration plan. Ah, I see. Whatever, it doesn't matter. You're going to get blamed anyways, Republicans. The media is going to spin it on you.

But, you know. You know, here's to the Fifth Circuit. Somebody still has some guts left. He must be pissed, huh? Obama must be fucking fuming right now. Anyways, what the hell else what the hell else um

oh my other story of the day i opened the new york post this morning and uh the headline slain over a soda hunt is on a sleeping brooklyn man was hacked to death by his girlfriend's daughter because her sister refused to hand over a can of soda. Soda. Do you hear me say soda? That's my old Boston coming in. Yeah.

Can of soda. Burnett Singleton, 34, allegedly stabbed Russell Holdip, 54, in the face around... I'm sorry. It's just we're fucking animals. Quarter to two on Sundayay this is in the afternoon in the family's bed-stuy apartment after getting into a fight with her sister charlene kelly at first a singleton snapped at her sister over the drink

oh god um hold on folks thought I had something for this wait a minute hold on patience at first Singleton snapped at her sister over the drink and went after her with a knife but kelly dashed into her room and managed to lock the door behind her so singleton tried to get in

to no avail she then turned her anger on her mom's snoozing boyfriend jesus christ Christ. As Holdip slept in his bed, Singleton stormed into his room and killed him. EMS was called to the scene and rushed Holdip to Brookwooddale Hospital where he was later pronounced dead. Cops are now on the hunt for Singleton, who fled the home after the stabbing. Authorities say that she is mentally unstable. And neighbors agree. One of the neighbors said, for someone to do that, you have to be mentally sick. Either that or a huge fan of Coca-Cola.

No, we don't even know that it was Coke. Nice world. Nice, nice fucking game, as they said in Goodfellas. Nice, nice fucking game. Nice, nice world. Can you imagine? She got so pissed that she

just stabbed the nearest person. Could have been anybody. Guy's taking a nap. It says stabbed him in the face. Must have been like right through the eye and into the brain. You know what I mean? Because I got stabbed in the forehead once with a butter knife, but didn't do much.

Yeah, it was a can of Sprite I had knocked over at a party, and I'll tell you, soda, is that a... is that... causes a lot of violence when you think about it. Right. It's a lie, Nick. Yes. That was my story, though, just to prove that, as Bill Hicks said about the human race,

we're a virus with shoes, is what he said. And we really are. Really are. Got a new iPhone over the weekend. Finally had that mailed to me. And that was about two hours of my life to fucking back up the old one and implement the new one. And right at the beginning of the directions,

there you go. It's deadly simple. Not deadly, but whatever. It's dead simple. Some fucking... Yeah, if you're a nerd who's never got fucking laid and played video games since you were three and i into all this horse shit what a pain in the fucking balls

and uh i don't know it seems like it's the same phone only a little bigger but does all the same i don't know and if you think I'm gonna read to find out the difference between an iPhone 6 and whatever the fuck I just had you're sadly mistaken son I can't take this

high tech world causes a lot of tension between me and the wife too cause she's a lot better with this shit and uh you know I don't wanna ask her

too many questions cause I've been in that position where I understood something. You know, people keep asking questions. You want to break their necks? And my wife could do it. She's got a bad meth problem. No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

You know. I've got to be honest with you. That's about it, kids. Yeah. I gotta be honest with you that's about it kids yeah but uh come see me in Tampa will ya Thursday 4, 5, and 6 of June that's a good one

Bobby Jewell gotta love the guy that runs it I don't know I see him drink about 8 glasses of scotch in an hour one of those guys and you're like it doesn't even change his you're like what the fuck did you spill that on the floor no I drank it doesn't even change his mood

and he lives in his big house by himself he cooked me steaks the last time I was down there brings me to his big beautiful house I think he said he was married, but his wife lives in another house. I mean, how cool is that? I've got to meet her.

What an arrangement. Guy's living like a bachelor, but he's not a bachelor. I'm not sure of the point there. It reminds me of that scene in The Sopranos when Tony finally separated from Carmella.

And, uh, he's like shooting pool. Saul goes, how do you enjoy the new lifestyle? He goes, it's beautiful. I can come and go when I want. I can fuck whoever I want. And Sylvia just looks at him and goes, so how's that different? So how's that different? How's that different?

So how's that different? Yeah, he's got this big, beautiful friggin' house. We pull in, there's like a new Harley in his garage. And he's a good guy. Takes me to a steakhouse the minute I get there. Keeps pumping steak in me. Maybe he wants me dead. So they did the BB King, you know.

Kept giving him red meat everywhere he went. That's a big lie, too. What else did I want to plug? Another senseless killing at nickdip.com. Another senseless killing. It's still in the iTunes charts, folks. And my guy tells me that's pretty good because I sold, you know, I sold a couple thousand or more on my website to begin with.

If I didn't do that, it would be really, you know, it would be really up there on the charts. But it's still in there. They list like the top 200 albums. But it's always in there on a regular basis. Go to nickdip.com. Use the code radio or nick and get three bucks off and uh you know you can eventually real soon you'll be able to rent it if you want that'll be an option um on my website too which is cheaper but uh buy it please it's really funny people are really

enjoying it critically acclaimed i't even know what that means. But, yeah, another census killing at nickadip.com. Watch hockey tonight. I don't know. There's probably basketball on. But I'm trying to convert people to hockey. I mean, these series have been unbelievable. Just ranges and lightning.

I picked the ranges back in January or February to win the cup because I saw them a couple times in February and couldn't believe how fast they were. And then they got Henry Lundquist. But at that point, I didn't know that Tampa Bay Lightning had the offense of the 72 Miami Dolphins, the equivalent of unbelievable. Tampa Bay is unbelievable. And so they're up three games to two. Rangers have to win tonight or it's over.

I'm pulling for Tampa. People go, why? I go, because a lot of those Rangers fans are Yankees fans, and we all know how I feel about them. And then in the other one, you got, you know what, the Chicago Blackhawks and Anaheim Ducks. And Chicago's been in the finals like four of the last five years. They're unbelievable. And Anaheim, they're like Chicago's been in the finals like four of the last five years. They're unbelievable.

And Anaheim, they're like the biggest team in the league physically, and they love to hit people. And last night, they were up by two goals. Get this. Again, I'm talking to hockey fans. You'll appreciate it. Chicago pulls their goalie with about three minutes left in the game for an extra skater. That means they have an empty net.

Okay? Anaheim is an empty net they shoot at. And anyways, would you believe Chicago scores not once but twice within the final couple minutes and ties it at 4-4? That's unfreaking believable. I should have pulled the clip. It would have been much more exciting than me telling you about it. Anyways, they go into overtime and what happens?

The fucking Ducks win in overtime. So I believe the Ducks are up 3-2 in that series. I hope I'm not wrong there. But I'm just saying, give it a shot folks, if you've never watched playoff hockey. It is fast, violent,

no whistles. And I see that LeBron James is a game away from going to the finals. And I'm a LeBron James fan, by the way. LeBron James fan. I can't even talk. I like LeBron. He just seems like he's all business. Doesn't seem like a punk. Anyways, I hope he gets there with the calves. That's it. All right, kids. I will talk to you next week. Until then. Good day, everybody.

Oh, good evening. Oh, good morning to you. I don't know when you listen to these kids. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else No, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else guitar solo guitar solo you