The Nick DiPaolo Show - 130 - Matarese and Me

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Matarese and Me

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. You know what that means? Joe Mattarese. Joe, I'm looking at my screen. Yeah. I don't know. It, I'm looking at my screen. Yeah. I don't know. It's doing something I haven't seen. Why is there one track is bright red and the rest of them are... Can you tilt it towards me?

No, I can't. Come over here. All right. Does this mean only one track is recording? How are you, folks? Technical difficulties. These are usually all bright red, like that one. What the the is that

I've never seen that icon yeah anyways let's do it no let's do it it you got left in the right all right Jesus Christ I swear to God every time time I have Matt Arisen, something technical I've never seen comes up. I just fucking, I can't do it. Somebody give me a fucking radio show, please. Enough of this fucking make-believe horse shit. Even though it's going pretty well, I gotta be honest. It's unbelievable how much... What the fuck?

Every time I have a computer problem And I'll spend an hour trying to make it work again And you know what ends up working Shutting the computer off and turning it back on again That's not an option once you start recording the show I know What the fuck What's this bright little

Mama Never seen that lit up before Who knows We're probably going to waste an hour right here. What's your big word? You motherless fuck? Yeah, you motherless fuck. I have Uncle Junior's temperament. A 99-year-old

ex-mob boss who used to be, who used to run fucking Northern New Jersey. Janice goes, in one of the episodes, Janice goes, they were celebrating him getting off at a trial. He got off. He got acquitted. And she goes, I'm going to order some pizza. some pizza goes i don't give a fuck if you do you don't sound like my father mr pleasant anyways uh joe madder recent house let me get this out real quick folks if you're listening to this on itunes which is monday the free show on riotcast and stitcher

and if you want more shows two to three more a week at 3.99 a month which is less than a buck a week go to connectpal.com slash nick connectpal.com slash nick and uh go to nickdip.com for all my dates and shit please tell me this is it's working nick it's all right you think so yeah it's so funny You'll probably hear just my voice. No, yours is just mine. Anyways, Joe Mattarese, you know him from the Ed Sullivan show. He did a stint on the Brady Bunch in the early 70s. He played the unwanted nephew. And no, just back from Miami.

Joe, what are you doing down there? Coke deal. I was doing this gig, the comedy in, you know what I'm, you know, sometimes I do to make sure something's, it's working correctly is put headphones in the computer and listen. So if you hear me and you, you know, you're good. That's another way. Because it's recording into the computer. That's not an option either.

So listen, you'd have to have another little headphone. That's what this is. You could pop it. No, I don't, that's how I, it's running through the board. That's how I know if it's working. That's hilarious. If I'm just, it'll just be you and not me. Oh God. That would blow. I can hear you working That's hilarious if it'll just be you and not me Oh god

I can hear you it's running through the board This fucking mamalook This fucking Motherless fuck No No no no no no no no no no No no no no no no no no no no No not this fucking time

No fucking one That's what I hear in my head every time I have to get on a plane to go do comedy. And you're going to Grand Rapids on Thursday. Grand Rapids this Thursday. Dr. Grins. Have you been there? I haven't. Joe List was here this past weekend.

I talked to him while he was there. He said it's a good club. And yeah, he said it was a good thing. I've heard good things. I think I think you'll love that. I think you'll like the Midwest compared to Miami. Joe, I. When's the last joey when's the last time you say that like i've done comedy for a year and a half i know the midwest and uh i i i know miami i more pussy in miami than there is michigan but the problem the problem well they don't have a they don't have a club there anymore so you have

you might not have been there in 10 years they haven't had a comedy club there for a while there's no comedy clubs in michigan no in miami oh they're all gone no no you're right and that's for a reason that's a party town the same reason the same reason the wallens doesn't have a club it's a party town exactly i didn't really enjoy doing miami when they did have clubs because i don't like looking at people in flip-flops and fucking shorts and t-shirts that's how they dress up on a Saturday night to come out and see me show a little respect put on a collar and a fucking pair of patent leathers your motherfucker so you know in advance I don't know till I go I actually did drop I drew pretty well in Miami you like did you like it I mean you must no you're you're being honest I I did well down there I

like my in the improv how stingy they are with their money. I actually made bonus money the last time I did an improv in Miami. But was the whole audience mostly Spanish-speaking? No. No. They were where I was. Where were you, Little Havana? The Chuckle Hut in Little Havana? I was south of South Beach in downtown Miami in uh palmetto bay it was like the burbs

how do you find this what's the name of this club the comedy inn now this guy is the guy who owns it's the nicest guy in the world yeah that means nothing no it kind of means a few uh i i to the point where i feel bad like shitting on Miami because he does he does everything correctly the guy rented me a car that he just goes I got it and he goes and I know a guy he's gonna upgrade your car it was hilarious who's the guy Ted Cruz he's like he's like call he goes he goes ask for Carlos which was hilarious to ask for Carlos at theami airport there was like 12 carlos it was hilarious yeah i like that when you say uh they go the car will be out front a baggage claim to pick up what's he drive black sedan oh that's good with the 42 other black sedans you dumb fuck you motherless

fuck yeah that's a did you ever have a now they never do that in comedy just like get you a car i mean back in the day i've heard stories where these road clubs would give you a car to use for the whole trip. That's probably when stand-up was booming and they were making a tenement. Hey, I featured for about a year, not even. And they used to fly the feature act out. And I'd get $700 eight on it for the week. That's how big comedy was. I like it better this way, actually.

I think there were some clubs. I remember hearing stories. You'd just be the feature act for the week, and they'd give you a car to use. So this guy, I don't know if you've ever had a move like this at a rental car place where the guy, you know, I say, Carlos, I'm here, I have to ask for Carlos, supposedly Brett, talk to him, I'm the comedian from the club, and all of a sudden he did one of these, like, look left, look right, and he just goes, follow me real fast.

See that Camaro? Just get in there and get the fuck out of here. It was, like, hilarious. Why? He upgraded it to this Camaro, camaro you know for the from what are you in a cycle ford festiva or something oh and he thinks he was doing you a solid by putting you in a camaro yeah so he goes if i had a convertible camaro i give it to you so what are we dating this is this is typical me i can't just be happy that the guy got me a Camaro as I'm pulling the Camaro

around the corner to leave the rental lot. I look out the corner of my eye and I see a yellow Corvette convertible and I jump out of the car. I double park. I'm blocking everybody. I go find that guy again and I go, dude, I don't want to sound like a dick.

I go, but how about the convertible corvette can you give me that and he just goes i'd get fired you got you gotta pay you'd have to pay a little bit and i could give you that i was like i'm not fuck it no all right but what were you gonna do cruise for pussy i don't know i've never you know what i've never really driven a corvette i don't think i've ever driven one have you ever driven a corvette i haven't no i would have thought it'd be fun and i never fucked uh pam anderson either but uh you know me i'll settle for the chevette that's when i knew i was old when i was like i knew i was i knew i was getting shitty gas mileage like that's when you know you're old when you're like fuck

that thing's gonna eat gas i don't need the cam need the Camaro. Just give me the small car. Real quickly, I usually do this at the top. I got to thank my contributors. William Glennon. Thank you, buddy. He's always... These guys are regulars. Kevin McCardle with another fat one.

Kevin Cernier with the biggest contribution of the month. Thanks, Kev. And Benjamin Kuzman, my old friend. That was a big fan of the Nick and Artie show. Thank you guys so much for the donations. The contributions.

I need that though. The contributions. So yeah, so you're in Miami at the Comedy Inn. What's that, a bed and breakfast? Well, this guy's such a comedy fan

who owns the place. He talked his dad. They got money, you know, he talked his dad. God, I hope this show's recording right now. He talked... If I was smart, I would have fucking place he talked his dad they got money you know he talked his dad i hope this show's recording right now if i was smart i would have i would have fucking unplugged everything and started over

but it looks like i think it's good go ahead he talked his dad into gutting like three or four hotel rooms in the comedy in the hotel and he pimped it into this comedy club but it was what kind of dog is this kid's father? The guy owns a hotel. He owns a lot of stuff. Daddy, I want to start a comedy club in the living room. Can we pull out that wall? Well, the kid's a lawyer.

The kid's an entertainment lawyer. He's a successful guy. He's like in his 30s. Everybody wants to be in the comedy business. They do. He doesn't even do stand-up. It was great. Neither do I.

He's got like a seven- camera shoot going on during the shows. Why? I don't even know. He got at another hotel room and made it like an editing suite. He's got green screens in there. He had the first time. This is my second time there. What the fuck?

The first time I was there, he had a drone and he was showing me how he could put cameras on this drone and he was shooting it up off the roof. Oh, you've done this gig before? It's my second time. How was that? Well, he's got dough, so he probably paid you. How many shows? Three. Three show, one Friday, two Saturday.

The early show Saturday wasn't even at the comedy and he had a, he had a. Oh, this is sounding worse. 20 minutes away I did that one. That one, the comics before me. Yeah. Didn't do well. And I had a really good set. Yeah, it makes you look like a genius.

Yeah. But then at the regular show, there was a... I can only really shit on one of the comedians. One of the comedians was just doing other comedians' bits and just destroying this black kid. Destroying. A black thief. Black thief.

He did a J... This black kid. Destroying. A black thief. Black thief. He's doing. He did a. He did a JB smooth bit word for word beginning to end. Yeah. Did you call him out on it? I said. Did you do your comedy dodie and go, hey, dude, get the fuck. You're fucking.

You're a thief. I said to the comedy club owner. I said, you know, he's like I said, the guy went out of his way to do really nice things for things for you throws fucking all kind of gift certificates that you can use at all the restaurants right around the comedy he really goes out of out of his way which most club owners don't right and uh i said to him i go you know how you stop a comedian from ruining the room one and because he's fucking so dirty every other word was and he just kept saying shit goddamn motherfucker every fucking three seconds and he's doing other people's and then other people i wouldn't i wouldn't do this fucking gig in a million years just from here and this guy doesn't know what he's doing

i didn't know he was gonna be i'm not blaming you i'm saying him so i said to the owner i said you know i love you but i gotta tell you you know how you stop a guy from being a thief and being like a fucking room ruiner comedian? I go, you tell him you're not booking. You can't book. You just say, we can't book you. Don't book him. He goes, but he killed. I'm like, dude, that's bad.

That's why this guy's a hack owner. Yeah. See, he's trying to be in the business, but he kills every time. Then bring in 100 of those guys a year. Yeah. I said, you got to know who your headliner is and know how to set up. I go, this is like a baseball batting order. Supposed to build.

You know what I do. I'm not a shit goddamn mother. If you got Big Jay Ogerson headlining, yeah, you can book a dirty feature. It's fine. I'm not that. You don't want to do that either, though. Look, I say fuck a lot. I curse a lot on stage. More than dirty feature it's fine you don't want to do that either though you don't want i look i say fuck a lot i curse a lot on stage more than i more than i want to but you don't say smart things leading into the fuck exactly i don't rely on the fucks for a laugh i talk like i do when i'm off stage on stage but i have the bits but you don't you don't you don't

put somebody that's similar you don't put two dirty guys back to back. Right, that's true. The middle guy should be complete different than the headline. That's what I, I like a clean girl comedian. Yeah, I like a retired 12-year-old girl who's been in the business six months. Yeah. And does a nice me. No.

Dude, I was doing the longest sets, too. Like, I felt, I don't know, I'm like, what is my problem? And every show, there was, like, someone trying to just, oh, this would make you really mad. Oh, my God. This gig just sounds horrendous to me. I don't give a shit what kind of car he gave you. No wonder why he put you in a Camaro. The middle act probably stole the Camaro.

Have you ever had this? Excuse me. Oh, God. I just forgot what I was going to ask you. Oh, you know what else was annoying? Is he did a, I think it was $25 to get in, $35 open bar. I said, dude, open bar is not good for comedy. Joe, you know what you can do To start from guys like this

Being in the business Don't do these gigs Yeah I didn't know these things So I got there You already played this place once He didn't have I don't think he had open bar

The first time I was there Open bar Just a fucking wedding What the fuck's the matter With this guy Dude That was my first line One of the shows

I go the MC's Not gonna bring me on right Cause you know what There's three guys. He put three guys instead of two before me, which I know you hate too. Three guys. Is this guy working from a list of shit you're not supposed to do when you run a fucking comedy club? I love this.

This is unbelievable. This guy, what's his name? He has to be stopped. Don't go to the comedy inn in fucking Turtle Bay. Where the fuck was it? This guy is everything that's wrong with the business. Well, a lot of these clubs now that you go to have the three local guys. I have it everywhere.

No, I'm not putting it in your rider. You're the headliner, dude. Here's the thing. Let me tell you a little something. You're the headliner, right? There was no rider. You don't have a rider? My agent didn't book this gig.

I did. So what? What's that going to do it i should have put a rider you're right you're you're very i'm an idiot here's the thing you're not i think i'm a good businessman until i get on here i'm a fucking idiot no you're not but but but that's what a rider is for number one you know what the you know what the job of the owner of the club is or the manager of the club you're playing to provide the keys that open the door to the club. The rest of it is your show. If I want one comic in front of me doing 20 minutes, I'll do the rest of the time. You know, they want a 90-minute show usually. What do you prefer, one or two openers?

I'd rather just have one person do 25 minutes and I'll cover the rest. Can you get, well, comedy clubs let you do that? Some of them don't. They will. And if they don't, and if they don't and they insist on an MC, I'll say the MC does 10. The middle act is 20 to 22 at the most. I want to be on that stage 32 to 35 minutes in. Any longer, if they go long, I'm going short.

I'm going to walk off and you drop the fucking checks. I ended up doing an hour In fucking 32 minutes On the Late Show Saturday What are you Wayne Newton? I have no idea Fucking hour and 32 I have no idea What I was doing

This gig is I hit a comedy wall At an hour and 15 I was killing For an hour and 15 And then it was just too long I felt bad I'm like

I just started Looking into the camera That he had up An hour and 32 Why so long? I said I don't know I said Adderall the camera that he had up in the fucking room. Hour and 32. Why so long? I said, I don't know. I said, Adderall is not, I guess it's not working. And I took one right before I went on stage.

I think it makes me chattier. Well, that's what I said. I thought Adderall was like Coke. It made you focused and yappy. It does. Well, there's the explanation. That's why you went so long. You should wash it down with a couple of shots of bourbon.

To even it? Yeah, even it out. Level it up. But isn't it supposed to focus is in there so what cocaine doesn't focus you it just gives you a lot of energy does it it focuses you kidding me you never did blow when you do blow this next thing you know you and your four friends are discussing how to get to you know to fucking venus you solve the crime i remember we used to laugh after you look up at the clock, it's 40 minutes later, you've solved fucking

a world famine, hunger, disease. I remember in the 80s, we had a cure for AIDS after doing a couple lines. Really? I didn't know it had focus in it. I go, don't fuck anybody in the ass,

and I grind my teeth for 20 minutes. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, this gig sounds horrendous. Please, please, I hope this is recording. It's recording, but do you know what I'm saying, Joe? Why is that track one lit up bright red? We should pull like a Van Halen when they would like share a microphone

and they would be back to back and it would look a little gay when like Eddie Van Halen. I don't know what this yellow icon is. This would be funny if I could call Rob. Mid-podcast. Sprint. You could hit pause and then call him and then hit unpause. I never fucking thought of that.

I'm not even sure how to do that. Just hit the space bar. That's what you said. You act like I'm using the same program as you. You are. You're using GarageBand. Just hit the space bar. It should pause it. It should. And using garage band just hit the space bar it should

pause it and then you can unpause he says it should hit pause hit the space bar see what happens you're afraid to yeah i really am then how to when you restart then you hit it again and it starts really with garage band all right i just got to make sure. Hold on a second. Technical difficulties. Called Rob Sprantz. God bless him. The leader of Riotcast. I call him. He's at like day job.

I text him and he gets right back to me. He's good. But Matt Arese brings in his evil spirits here. I do nine shows a week by myself. There's no fucking technical. Joe comes down. I hit the record button. The devil's face comes up.

Eating Hillary Clinton's ass anyways we were talking about your hell gig in uh bug in miami i think yeah and then i panicked come on i go to joe you know this last 20 the first 20 minutes of the show we don't know if it's recording or not but whatever well it was funny because uh well you were i agreed with you what you said earlier, is there's this party atmosphere. Because I said to the guy, I go, I don't know, what the fuck? Like, both shows, there was people that were a little just, they were too drunk.

Someone just fucking asked you a question in the middle of your set that has nothing to, what's your daughter's name? You're only a drunk person says, what's your daughter's name? I'm like, only a drunk person says, what's your daughter's name? I'm not even talking about my daughter. I'm just doing a bit. What's your daughter's, what? Yeah, that shows they're not even engaged. They haven't heard a word you've said up to that point.

Let me tell you something. I don't want to say it, but comedy club audience. I mean, I did the theater in Minneapolis. It's a whole different to doing yeah it's the whole reason which i hear you're trying to do the the same kind of move and i i don't i i don't mind one of the guys uh who's calling you about a show in wisconsin called me over the weekend and about these guys booking us for our own things it's like i'd rather i've gotten to the point where

i'm like let's see how much the theater costs to rent and let's see let's be like fuck it's the fucking wild west let's let's see if i can uh draw enough tickets that i make money i might you might lose sometimes some of these theaters have it's amazing how every for yourself every theater has a different amount that they charge to rent it out for the night well depends if it's a union house or not yeah union houses are brutally expensive a guy gets they pay somebody 440 an hour to move a potted plant seriously i know it's fucking unbelievable and then and then you have to get some sort of insurance for the night whatever i don't get into all that i i just i i'm gonna do the legwork i'll find the p i have an i have a business address i said you guys write to me by the way that is uh i don't remember what the fuck it is

it's contact nick dip at yahoo.com and if you want me to come to a town near you whatever you guys find the venue for me blah blah blah and then i'll hand it off to my agent right i'm not gonna fucking i'm not going through all the numbers, what it costs to rent the theater. And that's not, that's all on their end. Yeah. The people who are booking the gig. I'm doing the same ones with fans if they want it to be some sort of theater type thing.

My, my agent said, you know, if you want to do some smaller things for fans, you can, but when it's a theater, let me do the organization of the thing. Whatever. Yeah, you need that. You need that. You don't want to be figuring. I'm not going to be on the phone fucking making phone calls on my behalf. I've never done it.

Never had to. Not one time. Been at this 28, 29 years. Never had to book myself anywhere. Ever. Well, I had a manager after four months. Barry Katz signed me. I've always had managers, but they don't know.

My best manager, Earl Weaver. He got tossed out of a couple venues. Yeah, but so you could relate to this. I got this one lady kept doing it in the front, right? And I literally, she was next to this other girl that was like a 10, you know, just a Miami 10. No guy next to this other girl that was like a 10 you know just a miami 10 no guy next to her and the blonde lady was with a different a different guy yeah he was just letting me slam his wife right i couldn't even tell who the husband was but i could tell he wasn't mad because i was so dead on at

what i was saying and i tried to sugarcoat it tried to make i literally said to her i go listen let's i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna help you out I literally said to her, I go, listen, I'm going to help you out here. I said to the lady, I go, look, that your friend is like gorgeous. I said, you're the not as gorgeous friend. You should make your personality better. I go, I'm not saying you're unattractive.

You're attractive. You're a good looking woman. I said, she's just a model. So if you're with the model girl, fucking make your person out. And I go, you're annoying and not as attractive as your friend. And then the hot one was acting like an asshole too with the blonde. And then when the blonde went to the bathroom, the hot one was being normal. I go, see how you're acting right now.

I go, you're so much hotter to me in my head when you're behaving when you are acting like a drunk person it's such why she's the one to yell shit out no but when when her friend came they just were talking to each other and like joe you describing yeah you just described in the last five minutes the fucking worst gig ever of ever i would fucking never in a million years do this fucking thing it just i almost feel bad i'm almost ready to just um stop doing comedy clubs to just thank everybody and and and and and quinn we've had this discussion every night for 20 years quinn quinn is so dead on he's actually, he says to the club owners, you guys are fucking cutting your own throats

by letting drunk people in. You keep serving them. You don't police the room. You're cutting your own throats. When you have a show like that, and let's say an incident happens, and you know, drunk people are ruining the show,

you think half that room is going to come back to that club to do a show? I'm not talking about this instance in particular. In general. That's what I told myself. People don to come back to that club to do a show? I'm not talking about this instance in particular. In general. That's what I told myself. People don't come back for a reason.

That's why you're giving away tickets. I'm actually saying on stage, this is why you don't have comedy clubs in Miami. You don't have enough smart people to maintain. But that's not even a comedy club. It's a hotel turned into a comedy club? Yes. Yeah, that's not a... You know, at least the the

you know whatever i i told why i get a pit in my stomach knowing i have to go to this weekend and i'm sure it's a fine club i got it from list he said but but that's why i get a pit in my stomach now because i know it's half crowd control half comedy it's it's as opposed to like just doing that theater in minneapolis nobody said well one jerk off kept yelling nice shirt from the balcony. Fucking again. I hope he gets cancer and it spreads to his kids. You know what I compared it to? I compared it to beaches in Westchester.

Beaches? There's beaches up here? Yeah. Dude. What, are you going to go lay out with Ray Rice and his kids? No, here's the thing. One of the reasons why, well, I think one of the reasons, well, this is obvious, why theaters have more of a nicer acting group of people. Well, number one, that people pay big money.

The money. That's what I'm saying. The charge. That's part of it, yeah. That's a big part of it. But the other part of it, Joe, and you're forgetting, there's no waiters or waitresses coming around every three seconds going, hey, you still look sober. Well, there wasn't at this place. He had it seated like a theater.

But what happened is I'm the headliner. They all stand up to go to the fucking bar and the fucking MC brings me right on. I go, are you kidding? Wait a minute. They go to the bar. Yes. They're getting their own drinks. There was no waitress.

It was sat like a theater. I want to break the sea. You're not doing comedy. You're doing shit I did when I was an open mic-er in fucking Vermont. What the fuck are you doing? I got to help you. I have to step in. Trying to feed kids.

We're going to fix you. Well, that is true. You take gigs that you have. No, you're absolutely right. Well, I have a couple of Filipino girls. Yeah. They should be about 18 and 20 now. I'm doing the math right. It the funny part i didn't need the money i would have known not to do with it yeah i'm not that dumb i need it you're not dumb at all that's what i'm saying every here

and there you gotta do a shitty gig to make some money oh not like that you don't well i guess you do but what do your kids eat fucking prime rib every night let them starve a lot of bills kids don't let the fuckers starve before I did that? Daddy get heckled. Fucking for two hours. Enjoy your cream corn, bitch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know what?

What Quinn, I bet that is what pushed Quinn. Maybe not. You tell me. Of course it did. It pushed him to write the one man shows and go that route. Of course it did. It pushed him to write the one-man shows and go that route. Of course. And you don't want to be. Makes you find yourself. That's exactly right, dude.

I don't want to sound unappreciative of comedy clubs and stuff, but I don't want to make a 24-year-old girl and her boyfriend laugh. You know what I mean? What I find funny is not what she finds. And that's who books the fucking reservations to go to the funny bone. It's the girlfriends. They call up. You think the guy calls up on fucking Tuesday? Ooh, I'm going to set up the weekend for me and my bride.

It's the chicks. They make the reservations. It's fucking. And again, I don't want to sound disrespectful because you do have exceptions like Acme Comedy Club. Yes. Lewis and I know what. I tried to use him as an example this guy said he trains them he even he he won't book a comedian that steals jokes he won't

book a hacky guy he just won't no no and and but it's like you said he grooms the audience you go you go in there on a tuesday night and they have like fucking There's like 200 paying customers in there That's what comics told me It'll be like fucking young comics Not even established But there's such a following there I told Louis you should send out an instructional film To other comedy club owners

This is how you do it There's signs everywhere saying if you talk you're gonna get tossed I think he does I think he does. I think I was told. I'm serious. That comedy clubs would come in that wanted to open a chain. I think Helium had a connection with him, and he kind of schooled certain club owners how to do successfully a great club.

Yeah. He should put up a video or whatever. Dude, I forgot to tell you this story. Why give away your secret? The early show Saturday, which wasn't at the inn it was at this other downtown club dude you crack up at this this is how drunk a guy was in the front row and i didn't know he was this drunk he started to ask me a question and just stopped and i was like what the fuck just happened right about 10 minutes goes by. And it was one of those, like, the stage was high, but there was a section of it to the right where there was actual tables and chairs on the one side. Like, at the same level as the stage.

Right? This guy, because there was a curtain to the right of where I was performing, thought that that curtain was a doorway to get out. He was so fucked up. He was staggering. He couldn't get his balance. He pulls the curtain away and walks right into the fucking wall. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. In front of his girlfriend, like that had to just cock block the hell out of him.

And I literally said, can anyone, does anyone have a blowtorch? I need to cut this guy an exit. Hilarious. Why? Why do you have to be that fucked up to go to a comedy show? I don't know. I don't understand the mentality.

Or to go to a football game or a baseball. I don't understand it. Music's great, though, when you're drunk. You notice that? Yeah, exactly. And if you look at me, I don't play guitar on stage or tuba. You fuck.

No, I mean, when you go see a band like a famous band. Yeah. Again, Van Halen in 1981 when I was fucking 20. But yeah, no, I watched a guy. I was at I was at the Funny Bone in St. Louis years ago. I think it was a New Year's Eve. They had me.

Actually, I watched a guy in between shows after the first show friday night i watched a guy so fucked up he was trying to go back into the showroom he was pushing the door i saw him stagger out of the men's room he's pushing the door and it's a pull door and i didn't say anything he kept pushing it he was there for fucking 20 minutes. Before, he almost lost his balance, and then that's when he realized it was a pull fucking door.

And that's, I'm supposed to write clever, fucking do clever material. A guy can't figure out. No, hey, it's up to us to get famous enough to fucking do these theaters. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's why I'm starting my own cartoon called Country McGillicuddy.

The way you just described to me. Now I'm going to be in cold sweats getting on the plane. That's not. No, you're fine in the Midwest. No, I know this. But the other thing I'm talking to Joe List on the phone and I'm looking at, you know, you get like a deal memo. They send you this thing, and it tells you what, you know, what time the show's at, where the club is. It'll say press.

It'll tell you what radio shows you're doing or whatever they wake you up for. And it says one show at 11 a.m. So I've been, that's the one thing that I've been going, that ain't bad. That's awesome. I'm like, that's great. And then I talk to Joe List. He goes, yeah, I'm talking to the manager here at Dr. Grin's. He goes, he's got like five radio things lined up for you.

All the radio guys, all the radio shows want to have you on. So it's not on the rider. They're just adding them in after the fact? You know what? I can't remember if that's on my rider, because you can't do that. You're not supposed to do that. You can't surprise me when I get there with four more press things right you know so i said i already again i already sent it to my agent matt i go hey matt this guy thinks i'm doing like a ton

of radio i'll do two at mo i haven't heard back from matt or his assistant my fucking agents they're just ignoring that and then and the other thing is a cab they want me to take a cab oh and i i that's in my rider specifically i'm not being a fucking diva but after 28 motherfucking years you can send me somebody even somebody who works at the club to pick me up in the car i'm not asking for a fucking limo you know but i'm not getting in a fucking cab i'm not gonna make sure i have the right fucking change and uh i've been through it, you know? And I got to look at the guy from Yemen staring at me with his fucking anti-Christian eyes, his black Bible eyes, as he mumbles Farsi into his headset.

And then takes me around a tour of Grand Rapids. But is that asking too fucking much after 28 years? I don't want to get in a taxi. No, there's certain... Send me a waitress with big tits. There's a list of things and you have them all there. Now, how... I forgot that.

Well, that one I do. That's in there. How do you control who's your opening act? It could be... Well, that's up to me. No, nobody's going to... Here's the problem with that. Who's your opening act in Michigan?

You don't know who it's going to be. Yeah, I don't. Who? How do you know? You put it in the rider. You go, I get final approval. Oh, see, that's what I just realized today. I was like, all you got to do is say, send me a link of who you want to feature and i'll tell you yes or no

well that's and you're right at final approval an idiot i don't do any of this huh i get i get fucking hesitation they go you're good i usually want to bring this guy paul spratt who's a friend of mine i usually bring him yeah but then they get to put them up and they're not gonna pay him well you're gonna think I'm crazy. Rather than have the wild card feature, I'll let Paul sleep in my hotel room. I share a fucking room. That's ridiculous, but I do it. I need a room at the Holiday Inn Express with bunk beds for my opener, Paul.

I understand it perfectly, because this is all shit. You guys are getting a good lesson inside uh comedy here no one's gonna want to do comedy after they hear this podcast that's the whole idea of this podcast get out get out now but um no it's a it's a great way to make a living but i i just in five shows you wouldn't think twice years ago but it looks like it's like a mountain now it's a fucking mountain especially after i come off a weekend and doing one show minneapolis i'm out of my favorite town see the one show the show was at seven o'clock i was done by 8 30 oh you just went to minneapolis for one

one and i got there a day early yeah then lewis takes me out lewis lee uh this is our tradition we go out for a steak after my show. And here's what he says to me. He goes to me, we'll see you in one year, you do whatever you want. In other words, you can do my club, you can do five shows at Acme,

which is the one club I will do five shows and not mine. Or you, you know, we can do theater again. He says, whatever you want.

So he produces outside shows. And then he's fair with the money. I mean, he's, not to lick his balls, but he really, you never met a fairer guy. But anyways.

Well, by the way, thank you for doing my live podcast that we're going to do. Hopefully we don't have drunk riffraff there. That's not right. Who cares? It's a podcast. I don't mind that. Just don't interrupt me on stage. Fucking.

Nah. Could be hazardous. Hopefully we'll have our super fans fans people just who listen to your podcast and listen oh yeah i'm sure this will take this will take hold in about fucking seven years actually the subscriptions are fucking going great i've been averaging over 100 like 120 a month or something like that so yeah stacking up new ones and contributions i do i have a small following that i have to fucking somehow you got me thinking that's what i should do but you told me my numbers weren't high

enough i keep trying the patreon i don't know what your numbers are i keep trying the patreon way which is they become monthly donators instead of doing the subscription but what do you want what do you need fresh blood i have fucking i have eight steady ones that's it i'm like i need more than eight guys giving me money that's what you gotta go to them then they send you anything to play a sound effect that's a new one what is that i get so many on here what is that no i'll give you. Oh, shh. I do have a new one on here that I thought you'd get a kick out of. Here you go. Fucking quiz!

Is that Christopher? That's Paulie Walnuts. Oh, that's Paulie? It sounded like Christopher. He went to a seance, remember? He went to a seance. He goes, this is fucking black magic. And then he called him queers. And he throws a folding chair off a wall.

I'm getting fucking messages. Get El Capitan. What is that? Improved performance. Mind your business. So anyways. What else is going on? What's going on here in the Nick DiPaolo else what else is going on what's going on here in the nick topalo household what is going on here what do you what house projects i like talking

house projects yeah no you don't want to do that joe that's where you lose my fans they don't want to hear about fucking although yours though mine do you already have your barbecue plan i have when's the big barbecue this year? I don't know. Well, my annual comedy cookout is usually Labor Day. How about food? Do your fans like to talk food? Oh, yes, Joe. No?

Yes. Rachel Ray and me share the same thing. You're a big steak guy, right? You like to talk steak cooking a little bit. Oh, fuck yeah. But we're not going to do that. You just said you were cutting trees before you came over here. Yeah, well. You know there's illegal immigrants, 11 million of them that'll do that shit for seven bucks

an hour. What did you say to me on the way in? You didn't call them illegal immigrants. You just called them illegals? Illegals. I like that better. Illegals. Trying to be respectful of immigrants.

I'm going to have them build a... Matter of fact, this is kind of ironic. I had my Guatemalians, the Guatemalans are the best, and they built that stone wall, that new stone wall in front of my pond. I didn't see it. Well, no.

You've been seeing it for years. They built it a couple years ago. But I just... It's just kind of funny having illegals build a wall at my house. Oh, that's right. No, shut shut up uh they're no i have these guatemala and i don't think they're illegals actually the company is actually uh this guy he's got a hard work and they are the best they are the most hard working and uh was it a rebuild

or they brought stone they drained that pond they drained drained that pond. They drained it. I don't even know if there's a plug. There's a plug? Yes. And the front wall. You know where the water spills down like 12 feet? There's a plug down there. I didn't even know it existed. How'd they know it existed?

They know. They do these things. I mean, you swim across a river to get in here. You're going to know where the plugs are. How does a lake have a plug? No, that's a pond. It's not a... Does it have a liner?

It's a fucking pool. No, you could do that but but yeah they they they fucking pull the plug on it and and drain the pond which took like a day because when they built the new wall right you can't do it cement's not gonna dry when you go oh you see what i'm saying oh the wall is on the water they put up in the water they put up a temporary wall and built the new wall in front of it. I mean, incredible. They were here for like seven weeks. How much did that cost?

Ah, fucking mucho grande. Did you really need to do it? Yes. The old one was leaking. It was about to cave in. If you wanted to lose your lake, you wouldn't have had to do it, but you're not going to want to lose the lake. What do you mean?

The pond? If you wanted to have no pond, you could have done a cheap fix. Well, then I'd have a giant hole there. Yeah, you could fill it in. I already got a giant hole. She's upstairs. Listen, what? Find that funny, honey?

So I'm trying to think all the subjects that you talk about on your podcast. I was going to bring up steak. That's a bad idea. What are you talking about? I don't know. We have plenty to talk about. I that you talk about on your podcast. I was going to bring up steak. That's a bad idea. What are you talking about? I don't know. We have plenty to talk about. I did this thing with a steak yesterday. I was like, this is how I'm cooking steak from now on.

Low temperature. And just let it go. Cook slowly. And it was fucking a thousand. I bought a cheap, shitty skirt steak, and it was unbelievable. Well, that's how you have to cook. That's a fucking delicious cut of meat, by the way. It is when you cook it right.

250 degrees. Let's go back to your hell gigs. Hell gigs. Jeez, what else? What else is going on? My son's playing 38 sports right now. It's very tiring. Yeah, I bet you none of them are football, thanks to your wife.

Am I right? It's the summer. It's not football season. No bullshit. Football's year-round for the kids It's the summer. It's not football season. No bullshit. Football's year round for the kids who take it serious. It's true. There was a guy down

in South Florida whose son was six and he was a beast. He was showing me videos and clips of him playing football. He was like, he had muscles.

He was like, probably got him juicing. Remember that kid? Remember that kid that was in the news? No. About fucking five, eight, seven seven ten years ago

i can't even remember you don't remember this little kid he was like four and he was shredded and i can't remember what the story of his parents had him juice i can't remember if they had him juicing or it was just no it was just natural but he had a physique of like a 25 year old guy it was creepy i wonder where he is today probably his kidneys dried up fucking died but you don't remember see google google muscle-bound fucking fetus i've seen some muscle-bound kids on youtube where they're like wrestling you can you watch these fucking show you can get arrested for that you know watching kids wrestle on youtube were they in tight red leather shorts? Were you yanking your fucking beef?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I hope not. No, my son's playing. He's on two baseball teams. He's on two. He's on two baseball teams. That's the thing that sucks about going on these long road gigs, too, is I miss everything.

I fucking, oh, he got the game ball yeah you should have thought of that before you had kids i know that's good you're doing both though you don't know what's gonna happen look you got on america's got talent because you were like a family clean act right it has its pluses i can't write about getting chlamydia when i get a wife i think i'm a lot less family clean dude when i have I have to do a Letterman or a Tonight Show audition, I look at my set, I go, I have two bits. Every joke has some word that I could never say. Tell me about it.

You can replace the word. I can't replace, my premises are too dark. Same with me. The premises are too dark. What do you mean? You got stuff about your wife and kids and shit. What are you talking about? Not that much clean stuff.

There's always something in there somewhere. Where I'm fucking. And it's not like. It's not like a dun dun joke. It's like it's a story. Changes. Like I have a whole bit now that I'm really liking about. Like why I could never get divorced.

Like I could never be the nice guy that's going to get along with the fucking new improved me that my wife's with. And this dickhead shows up. And you're paying alimony. Yeah, and he's having a baseball catch up with my son while I had to do all the hard shit. Yeah. You know? Yeah. No.

I can't do any of that stuff. Why not? Because it's just, I don't know. It has like an angry edge to it. They don't want that. Oh, God. For bullshit. Is it that soft now. Oh, God, for bullshit. Is it that soft now?

I've given up years ago. Yes. I gave up years ago even trying. I don't want to go on. Why would I want to go on The Tonight Show and do five minutes and give somebody the wrong impression of what they're going to see if they come out to see me live? Right. You know what I mean?

I feel like I'm misleading people. Right. You know what I mean? I don't know. Yeah. And it doesn't do it. I'm not poo-pooing on people who does it if fallon called tomorrow i'd do it for him but it doesn't help me i go out and pick out you know i write five clean minutes yeah and they come out to the club i can

go both ways that's what i heard but uh but i can't. Fucking quiz! But, but. Connectpal.com slash Nick if you want more of this hilarity. Yeah, so you'll never be divorced. Yeah, I have another joke about the word calling your wife a cunt. I can't do that. Well, of course you can't do that. I'm kidding.

Yeah, you can't do it in Italian. Is this a joke that's been done? it's like you ever once in a while come up with something you go has that been done no i'm original go ahead i have this joke about how don't ever call your wife i even say the c word oh you do you can say it here i mean i don't say i'm saying on stage i say c word I don't even say cunt Because crowds are so uptight That if you're talking about Saying it They get uptight You say the word and you're talking about Saying the effect

Don't draw attention to it you just say it with conviction You have to say it with conviction Change it but here's the bit If you want to do it on TV change it To book yuck No one will know what I'm talking about Change it, but here's the bit If you want to do it on TV, change it To Bukyak No one will know what I'm talking about I know, but still Yeah, they will

I'm telling you My wife's a Bukyak And then from the context of the joke Well, the bit is about how if you call your wife cunt You'll be divorced by dinner I said, but if you put a Y on the end of it It really softens it. Right.

I go, have you told your wife she's being cunty? I go, she'll probably giggle. She'll laugh. I go, you'll still make dinner, and you could probably get your dick sucked on the way home. I'm just saying. That's too filthy. And there's always some dumb...

She's like, I don't like the word cunty either. I was like, you gotta shut up. Oh, in the crowd? Yeah, you're not doing a conviction. You got to say it and look. You look a woman right in the eyes. That's what I do. And you say it like you mean it.

Say the real word. With no smile on your face. And they won't fucking say boo. Goes for your wife too. That's to keep them humble. What's that from? Papa Grunge Village. You grab your woman and you hit her with the backhand

when she embarrasses you in front of your fucking friends. And you say, we're leaving. And you say goodbye to nobody. That's to keep them humble. I love that scene. How about a hand for a fucking dead on Eric Eric Roberts in Pulp of Greenwich Villa? A ba-boom. That's what he calls it.

That's your favorite. You're always quoting that flick. It's a good movie. It is. That and Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock. I love that. How do you like that Barbershop 2 is getting a 91 percent on or is it it's not called barbershop 2 the new barbershop movie they're giving it fucking i bet you it's funny i have a feeling it might be

i like the first one i didn't see it i i think i saw it on like tv you know years after but but cedric the entertainer i love he's hilarious i I love him. I'm a fan of all that shit. So am I. You know. He has a, what was I going to say? I didn't realize. I thought those movies Barbershop were like straight over the top, like Tyler Perry type comedies.

But they're like, they're making social commentary about African-Americans. The movie has a dramatic side to it. I had no idea. So I was like, oh, maybe I'll... I was in Miami. I was ready to go see it. I want to do the white version then. Do my barbershop in Austin.

Yeah. That's just as racist as fucking the black barbershops. Where's that movie? Why can't we do that? And that's when we'll realize we're equal and as far as race and all that horse shit when we can do shit like that what was it what would it be called i don't know it doesn't matter be called a little off the top jerk off you'll laugh you'll have it i got rid of my italian barber why i go to this out for years i've been going this all i mean from italy

italians the fucking italy they cut your hair your throat dude they sometimes they have food and like alcohol like in the barbershop that's what i want i i that's where i want to eat my man of god right next to a fucking where people get their hair cut why don't you sprinkle a little that on for fucking seasoning you need pepper and i'll use the hair clip so you're gonna let i bought one of those wall hair trimmers with the you know that they use in the barbershop with the levels on it yeah fucking my have my wife cut my hair and i and i finished it off i nailed it i've done that before nailed i cut my own hair my wife went crazy and i fucking half a one that's shaved no this was it's a one inch oh okay yeah but it's a little shorter than you have it right

now the plastic clips the one is the shortest you use that if you get chemo for christ's no these this is probably a cheaper version it had like half inch i used to cut my hair a few years ago i think we live in tarrytown a few times i took the clippers to myself and just fucking did a horrendous job my wife is i go i go, I was going to order the Flobie. I couldn't believe it. I nailed it. You're going to save yourself. I left my guy in Arsening, Cokehead, who did a good job.

I've been doing it for years. But then I went to somebody else. Turns out to be 26 and blonde. What am I going to do? It's a dangerous situation. Problem? You're the fucking problem. You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag onking spunk bubble. I'm

telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. I do miss the hot salon girl. I used to go to those for years, but they cost like $50 to get your hair cut. Oh, I cost me more than that. Fucking 18 at the guy. The girl washing my hair is at 10

She's about 20 years old She wears a skirt with a slit up the side And gives me the shampoo of my life I'm fucking I have to keep the cape over my lap when I get up As I'm walking to the chair And I go to the owner uh i go to the fucking owner i go this is like short italian guy i love you i love this place because what do you like about the fucking girls just like that i go yeah what

else no i like to i like the fucking products you sell on the front for 99.95 yeah i like the fucking girl oh that's perfect fucking uh yeah so um so you got the hot girl's cutting your hair yeah what's the place called it's called uh fucking a little off the fucking paint i don't know the name of it did i ever i'm not giving it away did i ever tell you the story on your podcast? I'm having a feeling I might have where I got half a haircut and the guy got pissed at me and kicked me out. No. I never told it. You've got to be kidding me.

I thought I told it because it was like an Italian situation story. It wasn't when you were getting your hernia done. He was shaving your balls. No? Not that one? I'm in L.A. Fucking quiz! You're in L.A. getting a haircut'm i'm in la you're in la getting a haircut i'm in la it's your first mistake i had just moved there yeah and i just saw out of the corner of my eye like vincenzo's hair salon something and i used to just hire italians for everything yeah i go racist i go

in there it's like old Italian guy, barely spoke English. I tell him what I want. In L.A.? In L.A. Where'd you find this? This was in the valley. Oh, it was in the valley. I used to live in Burbank.

It was on Ventura Boulevard. Okay. He starts, he pulls that clipper out with the fucking too low of a comb. I think he misheard what I said. And he just buzzed it. I mean, from like the fucking sideburn up to like he probably heard you he went down to like a half inch it was like a buzz oh man i have thin hair on the sides my hair so you went nuts on him you could like see skin

almost and i just went like that out loud just one breath and he got he unsnapped the apron and he just goes you leave i swear to god and i go what he goes get the fuck out it's in my web series we did a whole episode he re-doing it that is fixing joe the web series look it up and let me tell you something. I guarantee he heard you right. But that's old school. It's like Italian chefs. Oh, yeah. If you don't eat it?

No. No. If you fucking ask for extra sauce or something and get out of my... Get the fuck out. They know better than you. Even though you're paying for the product, they think they know better. I remember working at Rascal's. He told you to get the fuck...

Yeah, he kicked me out. And then I had to walk down the street with half a haircut. It's hilarious. You didn't straighten it out? Oh, you weren't able to cut your own hair yet? He wouldn't allow me. I found a barbershop down the street and this gay guy fucking was laughing. Oh, what did he do to you?

Jesus Christ. I laughed his ass off when I told him the story. What did he do to you? A racing stripe. A racing stripe. A racing stripe. It looks like a tuft. This looks silly. I just forgot what I was going to say.

What the fuck did you just say? What did I just say? Something about the fucking Vincenzo's. Oh, I don't know. You leave. Wait know leave wait wait wait what the fuck was i gonna say he threw you right out of there yeah you didn't live in la though did you yeah for a year and a half what year in it what year was that 2000 oh i just got back you did yeah i was there from 90 like 94 to 99 i just came back in 99 or 2000 i came back to write for chris rock on the hbo show yeah i had done everything i'd done some sitcom work went on those horrendous auditions

fucking just uh you know and and then i was just at that point i was just flying out of la to do comedy all over the country and i'm like oh i gotta get literally the day i moved out and this is a true story i told it on kimmelism i was having like an argument with an imaginary agent while i was in the shower that i didn't even have i was losing my fucking mind my wife heard me talking in the shower remember you told me i go i gotta get the fuck and like the next day chris rocks people call he saw me in pittsburgh um i had met chris before louis was writing and i flew in and played the racist cop on a couple sketches but then they needed writers the next year and so that was like a bolt of lightning from god because i wanted to get out of la that phone call came where'd you move to i left

my wife out there she stayed out there another couple years she did yes i didn't know that oh yeah and then you moved i didn't even i didn't even till she explained it to me a couple months ago i have no recollection like it's embarrassed chronologically how my life goes she goes you don't remember that you were in new york i go you lived out there for two years after i left she's like yes i. And you were married or just dating? No, no, no. No, we weren't married yet. But she'd come to New York.

She'd fly out of New York every few weekends. It was great now that I think about it. Is that when you lived in Astoria? Yes. Yes, I lived in Astoria. I can't even picture you living. I lived in Astoria, too. I can't picture you living in Astoria.

No, it's like living in downtown Turkey in 1650 it's the most multicultural that's why people you know call me racist i fucking lived in a story it kissed my ass and and loved it i had a butcher i had my own i had my own butcher i had uh yeah no i fucking absolutely loved it had a nice apartment you know for now it's expensive over there it's's like Manhattan, for Christ's sake. But no, I loved that neighborhood. I live right under the subway, like a block from the subway, the last stop on the N train. I used to take that into Manhattan and fucking take that to the sea. That sounds like where you'd have an apartment at somebody's house.

I had a nice, what? There's like homes that far out like two family three family houses no mine was very last stop on the end i'm trying to think it's almost like mars no it's like well yeah it's five minutes from la guardia that was the other good thing when i went on the road it's literally four dollars to get to the airport and i kept five dollars it was beautiful beautiful situation but then taking the subway in every night so So then I got a car, about like a Toyota, a used car to drive into. I'd still rather drive than take the subway. And I liked it over there.

Pizza joint on the corner. And a lot of broads walking around with hijabs on. It looked like I was living in fucking Afghanistan. I had a whole bit about it. I said I saw the four wise men getting out of a Range Rover. Colin Quinn said it was my best stuff. Really? My stuff about Astoria. I remember it. He fucking

loved it. He's such a New Yorker too. I go you walk by the butcher shop there's like five pigs hanging with their throats cut in the window. It's like a pig holocaust over there. I had a whole chunk of I used to have a I used to go to a dry cleaners. They had a picture of ACDC, the guitarist, the guy with the shorts on. Apparently, he went to the dry cleaners.

Angus Young. Angus Young. I go, what did this guy get? Virgin blood out of his fucking velvet shorts? Did they have a picture of him in the winter? I had all this shit about Astoria. My crazy fucking landlord. He told me I couldn't get a light bulb out

uh it had broken off like and he said what you do you you uh get a potato you wet the potato and you wrap a like paper towel around it I go what am I gonna yeah I get fucking great what am I gonna make 40,000 volts and have home fries coming out of the tip of my dick. You know what? Two bits to me are like, if you said, well, it's like a classic Nick DiPaolo, like just a fucking classic bit. And I'm curious, you said you don't remember any of your old stuff. I don't. There's two bits that in my head, before I even knew you,

just from maybe seeing you on TV, I don't even know what show it was. It was the... Car batter? What are you, Johnny on the Spot? Do you remember that one? Johnny on the Spot? Are you sure that was me? Yeah, you had a bit about some guy showing up in fatigues.

Someone getting hit by a stray bullet at like a gas station. Oh, oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, this guy get killed while he's pumping gas at a gas station and then the guy on the news that he's in the wrong place at the wrong time where do you go to pump your gas chucky cheese it's 12 o'clock it's fucking noontime on a tuesday yeah he was asking for yeah yeah you said uh how about the guy with the fucking fatigues and the uzi that was the very first. In the Escalade or something like that. Yes.

What is he, Johnny on the Spa? Johnny on the Spa. How the fuck did- I don't know why I remember it. And you know what- It's a classic to me. Wow. And the guy buying a sandwich bit was always a classic to me.

That was my signature bit. Yeah. Getting the fucking, can I get more tuna on that? Would you like mayonnaise? No, that would make it too moist and delicious. Dave Chappelle still- It's a classic. Dave Ch chappelle still because when i first moved to new york i was still doing that bit and he even to this day when i see chappelle he goes too moist and delicious and that book and i feel like going dave i appreciate you like that joke but i've written fucking 19 hours since

i know we get mad i'm the same way i get so mad if somebody says, oh, I saw your Letterman. I always go, which Letterman? The first one sucks. That's what I always say. They're like, oh, no, no. I'm like, no, that's fucking terrible. Living in Astoria was great because, yeah, it was just the same thing with living in Manhattan. It doesn't matter.

Any borough in New York, there's so much life around you. There's so many. You get 19 cultures. There's so much life around you. There's so many. You got 19 cultures. There's so much to pick from. Have you been to Astoria in the last two or three years? Well, yeah. I did a creek and cave. It's unbelievable how much shit is there now compared to when we lived there.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. There's restaurants and bars, right? Fucking thousand of them. There's high-rise apartments all over. There's none of that. No, I know. That's why they and they're charging you know buko bucks that used to be called the comedy ghetto over there that's where comics you know i remember this i lived in manhattan though for like 10 years on and on i remember this comedian danny cancella do you remember him

no he ended up writing for ray ray romano he was friends with ray he used to say that astoria has all the negatives of new york city without any of the positives back then it probably did it's so true i bet still it probably has a lot of it was so far it was so much so many foreigners back then that now you go and there's like irish bars i mean there was none of that when we lived there it was just well there was an an Irish bar right around the corner. There was? Yeah. But.

I don't remember having any place to go like have a couple of drinks and watch a football game or something. I don't remember that existing in Astoria. No, it was always soccer. Yeah. Every time you looked at it, it was soccer. We did the first episode of Tough Crowd over there on a cold fucking like January night. In Kauffman Astoria? No, not like January night. With Kaufman and Storia. No, not even an episode.

It was like the pilot program. Yeah. Colin took a camera, went over on Steinbeck Avenue where all the Arabs. Steinway. Steinway. All the Arabs. And we wandered into this Arab joint. Really?

You did like man on the street stuff? Yeah. But Colin was doing like the interviewing and shit. And then we tried to go down these stairs. There was a door that led downstairs at this like Arab little bar and they're like no no no no thinking back on it my fucking hair

goes up on the end of my yeah they wouldn't let us down with the camera down oh wow fuck yeah but that was that was one of the first things that like the pilot program it never aired it was to I think Colin was shooting that the show Comedy Central well didn't it was to i think colin was shooting that the show comedy central well didn't it start out as a show on nbc for like a second and well yeah yeah

yes no it was on we were on we were on for like three weeks on nbc i remember think about this nbc live live the snl stage where they do snl i was on the same stage as hartman and belushi that stage where they do snl oh wow that studio the same stage as Hartman and Belushi. That stage where they do SNL. Oh, wow. That studio. I remember watching it and going, I can't believe this is on NBC right now. Which is an amazing feat when you think about it. And then Zucker fucking, he's the one who

axed it. Oh, Zucker? Yeah. God forbid. I thought he was a, didn't he I thought he ran Fox. I'm wrong. No, you're way wrong. I'm way wrong. He ran CNN and he bounces all around. What was his first name? Jeff? Jeff Zucker.

I think you're right. Yeah. But he ended up putting it. But he's also the one who I think gave it the green light to try it at least. So I don't know. But that fucking. Can you imagine? Can you imagine if they let us stay on NBC?

It was live. They should have done it late at night maybe on NBC. Patrice made some like AIDS joke. At 8 o' let us stay on NBC? It was live. They should have done it late at night, maybe, on NBC. Patrice made some AIDS joke. At 8 o'clock at night on NBC. Was it on early? No, it wasn't. What do you mean? It was on, I don't know.

It was on primetime. Maybe 9? Yeah, it wasn't on after the news. It was on early. Why would it be on after the news? It wasn't on, I don't know. I think it's Saturday Night Live, but Saturday Night Live is on NBC at 1130. I'm thinking like after Saturday Night Live.

It was probably 9 or 10 o'clock. I don't even remember. It would work. I could see that show being on late. It could be filthy millionaires, even if it stayed on Comedy Central. Leftist cocksuckers. Okay? I'm not going to tell the story again.

Yeah. Fucking assholes. We could all be rich by now. It was on for a while. How many years was it on Comedy Central? Four? Five seasons That's a long time

Four or five And it's more relevant than ever Every day on Twitter Do they sell it? No they don't sell it You can't buy it anywhere? No and why is that? You can buy fucking

People go oh because it was topical So is the Daily Show There's plenty of DVD Never was a DVD. I didn't know. No, we all know why. Don't we? My fans know why.

Don't we? Anyways, Joe, you got anything to plug before we wrap it up here? I do. I just I got to exercise. I made my wife bolognese yesterday. I ate half of it. Well, let's definitely plug you doing the live podcast. Can I plug that?

Am I allowed? Go ahead. Of course. That's why I got you on here. May 17th, Nick's going to be doing my podcast with me at Gotham Comedy Club in the Vintage Lounge. May 17th.

Tuesday at 8 o'clock. Go to joematterice.com. Look on my tour list, and you can buy tickets to that. I think it's $10, and then there's a, it's $15, but there's a promo code right there.

If you click on it, you get $5 off. And listen to my podcast. Joe Matariz, it's called Fixed Joe. It's now season two. I'm not fixing. I'm fixed. And every Tuesday and Thursday, it goes up. Tuesday's kind of me, and I answer fans' voicemails and talk about my life and then Thursday I do an

interview they'll pass to all right all right all right this is long but I had a big guest two weeks ago go listen to that episode with uh who was it Phil Rosenthal the guy that created everybody loves Raymond he was great so go listen and I have the show matter he's podcast I have the show matter is podcast. I have the creator of Will and Grace next week. Fucking quiz. That's that's endless. That one's great. I know my one of my subscribers said, you got to play this one. I go, I know.

How did I forget that one? Anyways, come see me at Dr. Grin's this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. That's in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Should be a good time. Then the Arlington Draft House on April 29th and 30th. One of my favorite gigs. Ha! Comedy Club and Yonkers.

Is that open, Joe? What's the latest on that? They canceled me 10 days before because it wasn't open yet. Is it open now, though, is my question. I don't know. Nobody knows. I'm curious. Another great booking by my fucking agent.

High Comedy Club and Yonkers. That's May 13th and 14th. Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant. Got to do that for the boys. That's May 21st. Two of the best guys in the fucking... And if you want, like I said, if you want to subscribe to my podcast, connectpal.com slash Nick.

connectpal.com slash Nick. I think that is it. True TV, tonight at 10 or 10.30. They did this thing on the history of the comedy seller. Watch that. It's either 10 or 10.30, True TV. They interviewed a lot of comedians about the history of the comedy. The Table, which I invented.

And it's pretty good. I think that is it. Joey? It's only got one airing just tonight. Or are they going to... Jesus Christ, Joe. I don't know. No, they're going to rerun it again on Tuesday at 11 a.m.

I don't know. Fuck. Google it. What time again? Tonight at 10.30. 10 or 10.30. I don't know. Okay.

I'm going to tape that. They sent me tweets saying 1030. And then people on Twitter says, well, it says in the fucking on the guide, it says 10 o'clock. What's it called? It's called the history of the comedy. I don't fucking know. Why are you grilling me? I'm trying to get the fuck off the air.

Have some instincts, will you? Do you? And the things I'm smart. I'm like everybody says. Like, don't. I'm smart. And I want the sticks. anyways kids uh thanks again for listening and talk to you real soon I won't take all that they hand me down And make out a smile though I wear a frown And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I'm gonna drown Cause I'm not like everybody else

I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else And watch vinyl. The final episode was last night, by the way. Watch it when it comes back. Or in reruns. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.