The Nick DiPaolo Show - 151 - Healthy Hillary, Ha!

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Healthy Hillary, Ha!

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, riotcast.com. Well, how's it going, folks? Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo podcast, the iTunes version, the free version on Monday. If you'd like more of these shows, two to three more a week approximately, go to connectpal.com slash Nick. more a week approximately uh go to connectpal.com slash nick connectpal.com slash nick uh for 3.99 a month you get two to three more shows a week all righty all righty i think you know that already and uh we had our biggest uh surge in subscriptions like in the last 10 days it just again i'm sure the uh election doesn't hurt it because that's you know i treat this like a radio show as you know you regular listeners i like to uh treat it sort of like a radio show stay topical stay current and uh people don't seem to mind they listen anytime they want they don. They don't care because we keep it funny.

And, you know, it's a fucking crazy world we're living in right now, isn't it? Before I forget, the most important part of the show, thanking the people who contribute on top of their subscription fees. You can contribute to the show financially. Jonathan Keller, our friend, sends another fat one one in we got a new one here a new name joseph uh pagosh hope i'm saying that right joe thank you so much uh buddy kevin mccardle with another fat contribution a donation and uh william glennon who's a regular contributor to the show thanks so much to everybody who contributes and you guys. I appreciate that very much.

Like I said, last month we had the most contributions. Individual contributions. It was $61. $61 donation. I'm not bought and paid for by Hillary

Clinton. It's a rigged game. That's my Bernie Sanders. Boy, didn't he fucking take off. Went and a rigged game. That's my Bernie Sanders. And boy, didn't he fucking take off, huh? Went and bought a nice house. Unlike, you know, his socialist leanings. The first thing he did. I miss old Bernie, don't you? That bitter old Jew bastard. Sure you do. Of course you do. He had a lot of character. He had a lot of character. Hey, before I forget, November 12th, I am doing Comics Come Home in Boston with Dennis Larry, of course. You know, they started the first few years we did that thing.

We did it like the Orpheum in Boston, you know, a couple thousand seats. Well, just to give you an idea what a great job Apostle Pictures and Dennis Larry and Cam Neely and the Bruinsins have done we're doing it this year in td garden that's right an arena uh and uh great lineup robert kelly lenny clark wendy labeman and don't get mad if i forget you because i don't have the thing in front of me i'm just uh and uh the great billy burr and of course dennis himself and uh so many others and uh yeah i cannot wait to do that november 12th dennis fucking larry cracks me the best part is the night before when we're sitting around the bar and telling war stories and shit and uh you know dennis has led a pretty friggin' interesting life and a killer career. And Lenny Clark may be the funniest person to walk the fuckin' planet.

And I cannot wait to do that. Haven't done it in a few years. And I cannot wait. And it's a good cause. It goes to, the money goes to the, like, the Ronald McDonald houses all across the country and cities, you know, when people visit Boston, whoever to bring their kids, whoever has cancer, they,

they, they, the Ronald McDonald houses and they put them up and Cam Neely is involved, the whole Neely family. And it's a frigging blast. I look forward to seeing, well, Robert Kelly,

I see all the time, but Billy Burr, I haven't seen in a while and he cracks me the fuck up. I heard him on the radio the other day. He's just one of the funniest dudes. He reminds me of every kid I grew up with in Boston with the fucking red freckles and just a funny MF-er. Let's play one of his clips real quick. This is one of my favorite Billy Burr clips about his wife,

I guess when he was on a road trip, bought a dog, a rescue dog from one of the ponds. A pit bull or some shit. Here's a little bit of that bit, the great Billy Burr. She got a pit bull. Swear to God. I'm like, you got a pit bull? You out of your fucking mind? You got a pit bull?

She goes, it's not a pit bull. It's a mix. Mix with what? Another pit bull? Look at that thing. You said it's been doing pitbull, it's a mix Mix with what? Another pitbull? Look at that thing She said it's been doing pull-ups its entire life Front paws were still taped up It's like shadowboxing in the background

And P90Xing It's a pitbull Jesus Christ And she's just like, no, he's sweet She said, no, she's adorable This is the worst part, I wasn't getting home for three days And she's all wrapped up in this dog I don't get home for three days, what happens when I get home on Monday and you have to go to work

She goes, well, I just figured I'd drive to work And you could just come home to the apartment and meet the dog that way I'm like, are you out of your mind, I'm not coming home to that That dog is bonding with you, it thinks you guys live there I'm going to come walking of your mind I'm not coming home to that that dog is bonding with you it thinks you guys live there I'm going to come walking in and have my calf ripped off because I'm trying to show my name on the phone bill no let's not go down like that

so she's like well what do I do I'll tell you what you do you take that hellhound you put it in the goddamn car drive it to work park in the shade do whatever you gotta do I'm coming home to a safe

house and then you can drive home with the dog call me when you're a half mile away i'll meet you and cujo down in the driveway we will all walk in together i will be in the front to show that i am the pack leader because i watched half an episode of the dog whisperer and i think that that's what you're supposed to do i think oh yeah oh it's all true, right? So I go down to the drive, and I see the dogs, the beautiful dogs, literally walking like a marine or some shit, like it's sneaking into something. And I'm like, okay, here we go, turning my back on a pit bull that I don't even know.

That turns out they didn't get it at the shelter. They found it by the L.A. River. It lived by the L.A. River for two weeks. And my girl's response to that was like, isn't that sad? No, it's fucking scary. Why is it scary?

Well, obviously it got enough protein so it wasn't eating berries out there. That thing was choking out coyotes. You know? Breaking the necks of squirrels. I don't know what it was doing, but it definitely was. You brought a murderer into the house.

Don't just rescue an alligator while you're at it, just to add to the excitement. He sounds like every fucking friend of mine in high school. Only, you know, in a professionally joke-writing manner, just killer. Reminds me of my buddy Bobby Murphy. They're just funny fucks in Boston, people, I'm telling you. Good combination of Irish and Italian. And, yeah, so if you're in Boston, people. I'm telling you. Good combination of Irish and Italian. And yeah, so if you're in Boston, comics come home. Even if you're not, it's a killer show.

And what else happened over the weekend? Oh, I haven't talked to you since I did that gig at the Comedy Underground, the room upstairs. They call it the lounge. I don't know what the fucking official name of it is. But let me tell you something. I loved it. It's 60 seats okay this intimate thing and great place to work on stuff even though i'm putting a stupid hour together for that special i'm very tired of the material can't wait to retire the motherfucker uh but uh 60 seats i get there i'm like first i get there like you know

15 minutes before i don't see anybody in there i go to the uh the manager liz i go was anybody coming she goes uh you had 101 reservations and only whole 60 so uh i'm hoping you guys if you didn't make that show you come this wednesday night i'm doing it again and it's very intimate and uh there's a green room right upstairs right from the you go up these little stairs which you can see right from the showroom. And there's this hip little green room up there. It looks like where Lenny Bruce used to get blown and shit. And there's jazz playing when you come in. And very, very, I'm looking forward to when I start a new hour to working out shit there.

And God bless Noam and the Comedy Cellar people for letting me do it. So I'll be there Wednesday night. Don't worry, I'm getting to Hillary, that fucking vile twat in a few minutes and Gary Johnson and NFL protests. It's all coming, folks. Just relax. I just have to get the business out of the way.

And so yeah, I'll be at that lounge on Wednesday night. And then Hot Comedy Club and Yonkers the 21st, which is another Wednesdaynesday night and then laughing up a kipsy the 24th which is a saturday of september and then i go out to st louis to helium on 29 30 october 1 ridgefield playhouse october 8th the brokerage in belmore long island the 14th and 15th and uh i'll be on serious radio for a, just doing like an hour from 11 to noon. Have a few people into chat politics. I don't know why I'm doing it. I don't know what I get out of telling showbiz.

Yeah, I lean right. But they need somebody that has some fucking balls to put a stop to this Marxism. No, we're just going to fuck around, joke around. Like I said, I wanted Pete Dominick, but he's already got a show. I wanted him to come in. Me and him can bust balls. But I already got a few guests lined up. I think you'll enjoy.

Yeah? Okay, enough of that shit. Oh, God, help me. Went home to visit the parents. I hadn't seen them in a while and took them out to dinner. And they brought, like, three couples with them. And I never laughed so goddamn hard i used to look at them when they were my age going these people are old but now they're legitimately old

they're in their late 70s and uh i got my mother in the back of the car i'm trying to explain her that my ways you know i have the ways app on the phone and because i'm bringing them to a restaurant that they request that they go to a lot and of, of course, my Waze is telling me to go a different way than my mom goes. And she's, you know, telling me, oh, this is, you know, you're going the wrong way. And I'm like, please, you're not smarter than a fucking computer. You're not even smarter than me. Stop yelling at me. My old man just keeps his mouth shut and staring forward and singing to the oldie station but uh it was just classic and uh i'm like i'll pick up the bill don't worry about it didn't know they

i didn't know they're my parents friends uh you know we were there five minutes uh one lady had like 11 martinis and uh let's just say it's like, I would have been cheaper to pay for a bachelor party, but, uh, oh my God, just cracking the hell up. I get my old man oysters. My old man doesn't eat anymore, you know? And I've mentioned the show is Alzheimer's and, and, um, but he has no appetite. As you get older, that's common. I guess all he eats is like, you know, he'll eat like raw oysters because you know, there's not much volume there. And I buy him like a dozen of those. And then we have a retired colonel from the Marines, this guy, Jack, sitting next to my dad.

He's over 80, I think. He's in better shape than I am. Doesn't have a belly or anything. He's like, he's going to my father. Hey, Nick, those oysters will put ink in your pen. What the fuck is that? What is this, the 40s? Yeah, it'll put ink in your pen.

Then he goes, I said that to another buddy of mine. I go, hey, Tom, those oysters will put ink in your pen. And he goes, yeah, I got nobody to write to, which is a pretty good goddamn line. But my God. And then my mother, you know, we're on the way out. My mother goes, I'm joking, you know, I'm cracking them all up as we're leaving the restaurant, my mother goes, it's just so fucking, she goes to the waitress, you can tell my son's a professional comedian, not too embarrassing,

I go, you can tell my, I go to the waitress, you can tell my mother's really old and says stupid shit, and then I get her in a headlock and pull her out to the car and said, listen, we're going to go the way the computer says, all right, quit busting my chops but god bless them huh you really can't go home though you go home and the tv they used to yell at us when we were kids turn down the tv now it's like on 11 they can't even fucking hear it i'm trying to have a conversation on the phone with a friend of mine and i'm being drownded out by a catheter ad uh it's just fucking oh my god it is really funny you gotta have a sense of humor you know my dad i told you my dad watches um part of the alzheimer's thing is he'll he'll watch the red sox game and as you know on some of these sports networks

these local sports they'll replay the game like during the day and but we'll be watching a live game and my dad's trying to tell me and my mom uh this game was already played we know he's like i know the red sox are gonna lose this one and this is part of the alzheimer's very common they say and i'm like uh you know i don't know what they do do you i'm busting his balls a little bit do you confront them or you just go you play along or whatever i don't know i don't know what they do. Do you bust his balls a little bit? Do you confront them? Or do you just go, you play along or whatever? I don't know. I don't have instructions. But I'm just glad he doesn't gamble.

Let's put it that way. They'd be living in a fucking lean-to, my parents. So it was, you know, 24 hours is all my mother can take of me and vice versa. And then I'm in the car back to new york so god bless him i love him to death but holy shit hey don't you have mom don't you have any air conditioning but we have a ceiling fan it does just fine it's 111 degrees fucking kelvin Now, let's get to it, I guess. Huh? Let's get to the.

Well, let's get to the NFL first. Since that league has been ruined and politicized like everything else, it's going the way of society. You know, headshots and lawyers and just all the funds were taken out of it. know headshots and lawyers and just all the funds were taken out of it and uh young black men who really who make millions of dollars a year playing a children's game really believed believe i should say have been convinced they've been brain fucked by the media for the last you know their whole lives believing that the oppression is intentional we're keeping black people they go not us i'm for the military i'm for the police and blah blah blah but But the NFL is just, it's not going to be the same, I don't think. Do you?

It's just kind of politicized. I'm a big college football fan. You know, it's NFL time when you hear this shit on my show. If CBS could play this again every time they go to commercial. CBS, what's the starting defense for the Houston Texans? Can you bring that up? Then the graphics come up. Kick off.

They come back from commercial. There's a timeout. throw it to a commercial let's go to the halftime show god God. Anyhow, what's the latest with the... And I'll get to the big news, the Hillary horse shit in a second. Just relax, folks. I can feel you getting itchy. But you had a few protests, minor ones. Some of these guys don't have to...

You know, they're pretending here's the thing it's a fucking rat pack mentality and you know if you're a brother and you don't agree if you don't join in you're going to be called an uncle tom uh you know by other blacks or even white liberals uh you know so this is how this is you know this is what cap it's a chain reaction domino fucking reaction and um uh kansas city their cornerback marcus peters of course he raised a black glove made a fist be black uh again but then when you talk to these people you know they really don't know what they're fucking protesting other than you know it just uh this it's you know i don't this it's, you know, I don't know. It's just oppression.

And but they can't really point specifically. They just know it when they see it. What they don't realize is if they grew up in any other country and most of the guys are from broken homes. If they grew up in any other country, they'd be in jail right now or they'd be fucking sweeping streets. But no, they're making millions of dollars banging white chicks and uh it could only happen here uh but uh what they're i just you know the fucking left has created this bill of goods and these people have bought into it hook line and sinker and it's just so fucking tiring, especially on 9-11.

Not that I'm, like I said, jingoistic, but, you know. Yeah, yeah, and there were a bunch of the Miami Dolphins. There were four players on the Dolphins, Jennings, Foster, Michael Thomas, Kenny Stills. They kneeled down during the, you know, singing the national anthem. And they stood while Obama, you know, gave his message, which I laugh. He's about as sincere as Hillary.

He fucking absolutely loves this shit. And you have to thank him for bringing on this anti-American sentiment and this white privilege and all the other lunacy that goes with it. And like a buddy of mine said, who's a cop and said, yeah, the experiment's not working because we didn't follow the rules. And that's what's happening. It's fucking rotting from the inside out. But they stood while Obama was speaking, of course.

And then they took a knee for the national anthem, and then they stood. Peter said, I come from a majority black community from Oakland, California, so the struggle, I've seen it, Peter said, after the Chiefs, you know, fucking beat the charges. I still have some family in the struggle. All I'm saying is we want to

educate those the youth that's coming up is that all you're saying really yeah we all want that who doesn't want that do you really think it's an intentional effort by who by the white establishment to keep black people down really and if And if you do believe that, you better quit voting Democrat because they're in charge of all the inner cities. But you won't because, again, it's about team, not what's best for the country. Our team has to win.

So blame Hillary. Blame Obama, the people you respect so much and vote for. You can't have it fucking both ways. It's just... And then even the patriots you had uh devin mccordy in our new tight end martellus uh bennett they had to do the black fist thing too a good way to ingratiate yourself to a team called the patriots uh mr bennett who

by the way is a hell of a tight end no offense but uh get real specific if you're gonna piss and moan about what's wrong with the country. Get real specific. Just don't go, well, you know, people are struggling. Yes, you're holding this country to a standard that's impossible to live to. There's no other country on the planet where fucking poor people have two cars in the driveway and fucking three flat screen TVs. They just don't seem to get it because it's been driven into the head that it's the most racist and just country in the...

What fucking shit? I don't care. I'll keep saying it. What poo-poo. You're the fucking problem. You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag-arking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm gonna put you in the fucking ground. I promise you. But high school kids are doing

it now and, you know, college ground. I promise you. But high school kids are doing it now. And, you know, college kids. That shows how media-driven and how... It just shows you the power of the media, the mainstream media, which believes in all that shit and endorses what Hillary and fucking Libs believe in. And it shows what power it has and how it affects behavior. High school kids taking a knee? Uh, yeah. I just want to know in their heads what an ideal country would look.

And I'll say it. They're not going to be happy until fucking the whites are oppressed. It's fucking priceless, man. It really is priceless. Like I said, Trump out was not my first choice, but Jesus Christ, I really am scared to see what would happen if the thick-ankled dog face. Before I abandon the sports thing, did you see? I know you guys have college football. This kid, this running back in Arizona State, he's a junior.

How about scoring eight touchdowns in one game? Seven on the ground and he caught one. You know, I don't care if it's college, Pop Warner, if you were playing in the backyard on Thanksgiving with your parents, that's fucking ridiculously hard to do. Eight touchdowns. Of course, they scored 68 points in a win over Texas Tech. I don't like games like that, by the way.

And there are a few here and there. There's some conferences that don't play any defense. But I don't care. Eight touchdowns in one game. That is crazy, man. And then the quarterback, JT Barrett, Ohio State, he has nine touchdowns, six through the air in just like two games. It's crazy.

Anyways, but my boy, the running back, Christian McCaffrey for Stanford. That's right, the white green-eyed devil, I call him, who I think is going to win the Heisman. You've got to see this kid. It's like watching a white gay old Sayers. How dare you say such a thing? Let's get to the thick-ankled dog face. Boy, all you people on the left that were so outraged at the Drudge Report

and all that conservative media fucking making a big fuss over the very healthy Hillary Clinton. She's healthy as a horse. You're making all this shit up and you know it. You're making it all up. But apparently she ain't that healthy did you see her at the memorial for on sunday for 9 11 she was down there she left after about an hour almost collapsing uh as they were putting into her it reminded me of scene out of the elephant man remember when the doctor has to hold him up? Remember?

He's in front of the class. He comes limping out. He's like collapsing and they're holding him up. Remember they had him in the freak show in the circus and he's like collapsing. The guy's hitting him with a cane. They're picking him up. That's what she looked like. She actually fucking collapsed and lost a shoe.

By the way, size 17 triple E. Mark Bavaro, the shoe would have been triple E. Mark Bavaro, it would have been, the shoe would have been too big for Mark Bavaro's foot. Why do you say that? Well, I remember his cleats being like fucking canoes. I slept in one one night when I got drunk. But yeah, she lost a glass slipper and it was filled with pudding.

But anyway, the big story is she's fucking lying about it. And they lied to cover. Help, Hillary. How do you feel? I'm just, I feel, there's nothing wrong with it. A little allergies and a little, I'm fine. I feel good. Otherwise. You sure? You look pale No, I'm good

All over Bratton shoes All over the memorial splashing against the wall With the people's names on it You sure? I'm good Just, I'm good. Just allergic to Trump. That was one of them. Seasonal allergies, allergic to Trump.

Oh, God, look at that. Three-quarter pounders. A seven-pound bag of curly fries all over the sidewalk. Nice malted milkshake. Let me tell you, if this broad gets elected, I'm not even afraid because she ain't going to make it

through the first term. She does not look good. A little greener on the gills. They found a few red pubes in there. But, you know, she said it was like 79 degrees there. And she's dressed like a fucking, she's dressed like Heisenberg mixing a batch with a hazmat suit on. She was dressed way too fucking warm for the occasion. But it wasn't a hot, sweltering day.

It was early morning. And she said she overheated what a world what a world but uh they broke it down i forget what the publication was i should have j broke it down. I forget what the publication was. I should have jotted it down. The big story is that they were, again, trying to cover it up. You know? The physician, her physician kind of tried to cover it up. She said Clinton has had an allergy-related cough

for some time, and during an examination on Friday, the Democratic nominee was diagnosed with pneumonia, put on antibiotics, and told to take some time out to rest. But she became overheated, like a 1972 Pontiac Le Mans, and dehydrated during Sunday morning's event, which led to her collapse. But then she went home to Chappaqua and she's on the road to recovery. I should have went over to the house and brought us some fucking rat poison laced brownies.

What? There's no talk like that. Yeah. After Clinton, of course, I'm kidding. After Clinton was diagnosed with pneumonia and put on antibiotics. And she did not, as her doctor told her to do, take time out to rest. You know what she did not as her doctor told her to do take time out to rest you know what she did she went to a fundraiser starring that fucking horrible person barbara streisand great singer horrible person just a capital c there and uh and then on sunday morning she

attended the 9-11 uh commemoration but she became overheated and woozily wobbled rather dramatically. She looked like fucking... What's his name? The Rose. Who's the drunk guy? Foster Brooks. 90 minutes later, she exited to her daughter Chelsea's apartment in the city and said she was feeling great.

She left the apartment after about 90 minutes and said, I'm feeling great. And a little girl, they let this little girl come up and hug her. I'm sure that was all stage two two how'd they know that wasn't a fucking uh you know isis has been strapping bombs to fucking uh girl scouts how'd they know uh but uh people in this article go over they go the most charitable reading of this timeline is that her campaign presumably with the blessing of, fully intended to keep her illness a secret from the public. Let's be clear about what that means.

Her campaign intended to lie, even though doing so would require to keep up public schedule that might well make her condition worse and require ever more elaborate forms of concealment. Because the cause to curtail her schedule would raise questions that might reveal the truth. That's their first move. They lie. So, of course they're going to do that

because, you know, first of all, they've been telling her she's healthy. But secondly, you know, she's the first woman,

the first woman who could be the first woman president, first female nominee. And she's going up against this fucking developer, this big husky, loud mouth male. What a nightmare for the feminist Hillary Clinton, the ultimate feminist to be. She can't look weak and frail, especially with this big mouth who eats Kentucky Fried Chicken on his plane. He's cutting farts and just, you know, taco bell.

The guy never sits down. And he's just running roughshod over her, as should be. So the optics aren't good. That's why they're lying through their dirty teeth. So that's why the announcement that she has pneumonia will only fuel more speculation about Clinton's physical condition. With potentially no end in sight. The whole world saw her collapse. And then 90 minutes later, she looked into the camera and said, I'm good.

I feel terrific. Who's got a cheeseburger? Again, and I'll say it. I've said it 10 shows in a row Mitt Romney gotta be sitting home in his chair watching this shit you know he's a straight laced guy with perfect hair but I'm telling you we haven't seen him I guarantee he's drinking whiskey right out of the bottle he's got like a wife beater on he's never worn before

his hair's all sticking up I can't believe it. What did I do? But the big thing is the fucking, the campaign was trying to tell us that she's fine and all this horse shit. And she's sick. She's got the immune system of Freddie Mercury in 1976.

Yeah, I just said it. Go ahead, I just said it go ahead I just said it she's physically unfit she stinks as a candidate I mean when you're attacking Matt Lauer for asking questions that were too tough yeah because he's a hardcore right winger. What a fucking joke. Going after him because she looked dog shit on that thing they did on The Intrepid where they were taking military questions,

whatever it was. I can't remember. But it's the Republicans as a whole have to be kicking themselves in the balls. Out of all the years an outsider wins a nomination anybody

i'm telling you jeb bush that stiff would have crushed her by now anybody pick one strom thurman would have a 14 point lead at this point but no this is the year the outsider breaks through against the worst candidate she did everything but shit her dirty pants on the way to the car, did you see her, now, can I give you my theory on this, I know you're gonna go, oh, here's this fucking right-wing conspirator, I'm telling you, it almost looked fake, you know, they did a horrible job of, like, fucking her, you know, hiding the fact that she collapsed, it almost looks, here's what i think and this is a wild thing and again it's out there i'm not saying it's going to happen but let me put a fairy

in your head i'm telling you i can't be the only one thinking this they they're looking at trump closing in on the polls right she should be crushing him supposedly and it's tightening and even the battleground states she hasn't she's she's falling her numbers are falling and he's staying about this but the gap is closing and it shouldn't even be close at least that's what the dems believe they they have to be shitting their pants going oh my god and uh why don't we do this let's let's have her fucking you know let's have her get you know show her getting sick in public it It looked too, it almost, I don't know. Well, you know where I'm going with this?

They're going to have a reason to go. You know what? She's too sick to go on because they see the polls are tightening and she's probably going to get beat. And then they can drop in Joe Biden or whoever. And the paper said Tim Kaine. That fucking guy? Ugh. You read into his background latin america and

uh all the fucking liberation all this shit in the 80s went down to latin america and under the guys being a good catholic and it was really about uh soviet style marxist fucking theology that he immersed himself in. Just another fucking lefty who hates his kind. Anyhow, but, you know, you drop Uncle Joe in there, and I bet you the, you know, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. They're shitting their pants. They see the numbers, and let's stage it. Let's have her collapse in public, and that way they'll know she's really sick. She's probably as healthy as a horse, but she's just dumb. Another overrated intellect from the left.

And she's a fucking asshole on top of it. Just to condescend. She had a bad week. You know, she loses her shoe as she's shitting her pants, being thrown at the back of an SUV. She might as well have been fucking keith richards after a concert in 1968 but anyhow and then she said some really stupid things that that her her campaign people are trying to been walking back over the weekend uh just just she was at a fundraiser and all all these people do this and i know what it's like,

because I do comedy, I speak in public. You get a bunch of people in the room that think like you fans, and you tend to say shit that, you know, you get cocky, and you forget, you forget that other people are going to hear it later on. And politicians of the, Mitt Romney, although I still don't understand that one, he said something that was factually true, that 47% of the country wouldn't vote for him because he's not going to give him free shit. I'm paraphrasing or whatnot.

And supposedly that did him in. If that did him in, then what she said about half of Trump's supporters being a basket of deplorable— this is what she said, the thick-ankled dog face. You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you can put half of Trump's supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. You hear all the elitist twats laughing? They're so ignorant and racist.

Like none of them have ever had a racist thought. And I'll say it again. You people who love to point the fingers and say racist, sexist, misogynist. So you've never had a racist thought or uttered a racist word. Because those are the requirements before you can accuse me or anybody else of being racist. So you're full of shit. You hear all the elitist jerk-offs laughing with a bunch of fucking ignorant rubes uh just i can't stand them just pretentious douchebags each and every one right the racist sexist homophobic xenophobic islamophobic, you name it. And unfortunately, there are people like that.

And he has... Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You stupid fucking blabbermouth cunt! That's all that deserves. That's all that deserves, that reply.

Just, shh, no respect. Just an asshole. She's just an asshole. I don't care what you think of Trump. Oh, God. an asshole she's just an asshole i don't care what you think of trump oh god xenophobic homophobic like we don't have her saying shit what did she say at the easter egg hunt get these little jews out of here or some shit remember she said raise which fucking irish from fucking what illinois yeah she's never she had a middle class upbringing. Yeah, I'm sure. It's unbelievable.

They really think that they are morally superior to you. People that vote like and who like her. I hope that thing in her ear that everybody thought was a fucking, you know, was an earpiece where people were feeding her. I hope it's a fucking tumor. Not a malignant one. Just one that'll scare the hell out of her. I hope it's a fucking tumor. Not a malignant one. Just one that'll scare

the hell out of her. But just a pompous fucking elitist asshole. Most unlikable fat old woman and good luck with it. Like I said, even if she wins,

she's not gonna make it through her first... Wouldn't that be ironic, huh? First female president drops dead at Baskin-Robbins. Her face falls right into a mint chocolate chip. You fucking...

How do you vote for that? How do you look at that and go, yeah, I'll tell you how. Fucking ideologues. Why is everyone so fucking stupid? Why aren't more people interrogating like me? Basket at the plurables,

huh, Hillary? That basket filled with chocolate eggs, she'd be right in it, face first. And then, she was talking about the military

when they did that commander thing, you know, ground troops and, you know, ground troops. And, you know, they had a little forum. And she came right out. That's the NBC forum. I think it's the one where Matt Lauer took heat for, for actually asking her real questions. Now all of a sudden he's like to write a fucking.

Now all of a sudden he's like to the right of fucking. But she said this, talking about how we're going to beat ISIS. They are not going to get ground troops. We are not putting ground troops into Iraq ever again. And we're not putting ground troops into Syria. We're going to defeat ISIS without committing American ground troops. So those are the kinds of people we have on a case-by-case basis. You could actually hear the applause coming from Aleppo or anywhere else in the Middle East.

You could hear ISIS. You could hear their fucking rounds of applause standing in front of the little TV sets watching the leathery-nippled mustachio. Why would you come out and say that? Seriously, that's like fucking Military 101. Here's what we're not going to do, so you don't have to worry about that.

You can cross that off your list. Even though we have ground troops over there already. She's about as fucking suited to run this country as I am. Okay. Take Trump any day. Even though it's a rigged game. I think we all know that. Connectpal.com slash Nick.

Connectpal.com slash Nick to subscribe to the show. $3.99 a month. Two to three more shows a week. Hillary, how you feeling, honey? You getting better? Somebody put a cold compress over her mouth and hold it. Oh, dip all over the fucking SUV. God, what did she have?

Well, she had five quarter pounders with cheese and then some pot roast and two cans of salmon. And then she had a box of chocolates. And I don't want to say what else. Wasn't it fun, though, politically over the weekend trump was all like uh they really got him to stick to the script you got to give uh kelly and conway props and steve bannon he is not going off teleprompter and even with this whole thing he said today about hillary's health he just said well it's very grueling. He's like he's taking on a whole new. I'm not buying it.

It's got to be belly laughing, I'm sure. But the people want to hear that. And let me make my prediction, by the way. And I've said this about the you know what about the debates. I don't see him looking good one on one with the woman. If Hillary's still alive, alive you know she doesn't collapse and fall off her front porch and break her neck um i don't see how he can come out looking good you know i mean because that's all she's done her whole life and she's a fucking lawyer and and it's all about percent but i'm just hoping that people the american people know enough that they don't put all the you know the whole thing doesn't come down to how the debate performance,

who they select. But I don't see him looking better than her on a debate. Not that he's not smart enough, but unless he just, you know, really bare knuckles it and throws haymakers, turns it into a fucking brawl, which he's probably going to do. But, you know, that's not going to go over well. Optics wise, people are going to go, oh, she's so much smarter and more prepared, which she really isn't.

She's just been schooled and being a liar for 40 years. But, you know, it's one thing to be on stage at 16 other people and go and you get a small dick, Rubio, and you're sweating too much, you know. And, you know, the moderators, by the way, Lester Holt of NBC, the network that, you know, carried Obama's waterfront for two elections. You know, the home of MSNBC. And who else? Chris Wallace of Fox, who they they want to fucking eliminate him. They don't even trust a Fox guy. He won't be impartial, according to them.

And guess what? Mother of dried up radish, as I call her. Obama went to her wedding, that old dried up fucking twat. She is the most biased. She's the one who fills in for Stephanopoulos on this week. And she's the most biased of all of them and she's going to be a moderator so they're not going to ask like complete gotcha questions to trump but everyone's going to be borderline i guarantee you i can't i just don't see him looking good at

these things again unless he uh lunges across the podium and tackles Hillary. You know what I'm saying, Thaya? Yeah. He can't do any better than, he can't do any worse than the libertarian candidate who I've been shitting on since I seen him on TV. I'm talking like I came out of the, since I seen the motherfucker on TV, Gary Johnson,

I try not to hurt my libertarian friend's feelings um but he is a joke he's flaky seems swishy seems like he did smoke weed a lot and just has about as much leadership potential as uh you know pick a name i can't think of one. But I always thought he seemed like a real flake. And boy, did he flush his chances down the piece of dough when he was on Morning Joe. And I know you've all seen it by now, but it's fun. It's, again, it's a tragedy.

It's like watching the Kennedy assassination. You're watching somebody's political life come to an end. When they asked about Aleppo, his head went back and to the left, again, it's a tragedy. It's like watching the Kennedy assassination. You're watching somebody's political life come to an end. When they asked about Aleppo, his head went back and to the left, didn't it? Back and to the left. But he was on with Joe Scarborough, another pompous elitist, and Mika Brzezinski, who said, Mika Brzezinski, who said she can't pretend to follow Trump anymore fairly. But here's Morning Joe, and I think it was Mike Barnicle, who's a Boston guy, asking Gary Johnson a question.

And you could hear his career go right down the pisha do. What would you do if you were elected about Aleppo? About Aleppo. And what about Aleppo? About? Aleppo. And what is Aleppo? You're kidding. No. Aleppo is in Syria. It's the epicenter of the refugee crisis.

Okay, got it. Oh, the poor prick. Poor prick. But that's a classic, too much weed. How do you fucking not know that? Even if you're like me and you get your fucking news from, you know, reading and watching TV. He said he thought it was an acronym. Aleppo.

I wonder if he thought, I thought at first he heard it like this. What, he took it in like this. A-leppo. What about A-leppo? You know, like that old joke, what's a henway? Oh, about eight or ten pounds, a henway. He said, no, I was thinking acronym. Oy, oy. Then he just, and I guess you're supposed to be honest in these situations.

And boy, was he ever. He's like, guilty as charged. And if it ruins my chances, you know, I'm running for the president. Yeah, it did. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. my uh chances you know i'm running for the press yeah it did oh yeah oh boy that makes the dukakis putting on the army helmet thing and uh and dan quayle spelling fucking potato wrong a tomato whatever it was those pale in comparison let's hear it What would you do if you were elected about Aleppo?

About Aleppo. And what is Aleppo? You're kidding. No. Aleppo is in Syria. It's the epicenter of the refugee crisis. Okay, got it. Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, you got it, all right. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, you got it, alright. Poor prick. I don't want to say it hurt his career, but he served me my pancakes yesterday at the IHOP. Gary Johnson, Gary Johnson. Well, well, well.

So what do you think, folks? I swear to God, Biden's going to be in there in the next couple weeks. I wouldn't fucking put Tim Kaine in there, the no-lipped freak. But she's too weak to serve, to serve breakfast to Bill after he was just blown in the garage by an intern. But anyhow, it's getting interesting. Have you ever seen an election like this ever? What else is going on? Well, well, well. 27 tiny American flags was put in place in the quad area Saturday night by members of the student organization, the Occidental College Republican Club. So right away, you know, it's going to be fucking destroyed because the Republican Club did it.

And, you know, to be a Republican on a college campus today, you know, it's like being a leper jumping into the hot tub at the fucking Marriott. Yeah, each of those flags represented, you know, victims on September 11th. Twin Tower attacks. And somebody, you know, somebody trashed them all, naturally. I wonder how they vote, huh? They crushed all the flags, snapped through them in the garbage. Every single flag, Not one was left. I know it's so jingoistic, though, right, for me to think that's horrible.

What's it matter? The group also claimed that posters and flyers had been posted on the campus that shamed the victims of 9-11. That's about right for the Obama world we're living in on college campuses. They're just expressing themselves, you know. That's all that is. Basket of deplorables, huh, Hillary? What do you call this fucking vermin that's going to vote for you? Shit, say, those are Bernie supporters. Oh, whatever.

Oh, that dirty cocksucker. As John Gotti said, and again, I told you, that made-for-TV movie on HBO where Amin Asante played Gotti. At the end, he's in the mirror, looking at his, combing his hair in his little prison mirror. There's no feelings for this country anymore. There's no nothing. You guys should watch that one. Oh, the other books I told you, Slouching Towards Gomorrah,

Nation of Victims, The Death of Common Sense. Somebody was asking me online, on Twitter, what the books were. Thought I had another one. Anything by Pat Buchanan. He's only been right.

You know, you read his book and 25 years later, he's like right on the money. But people like Joy Behar. Oh, I like that one. It's in its original German. Oh, that's so fucking funny, Joy. You make me sick to my fucking stomach. Oh, that dirty cocksucker. What else?

Well, I'll report the other side. Fort Pierce Mosque. That's a mosque in Orlando. Actually, it was attended by the guy who shot up the nightclub in Orlando. Omar Mateen, remember? Well, last night, somebody set a fire to the mosque that he used to go to. The Islamic Center of Fort Pierce. The St. Louis County Sheriff's Office said 9-11 received a call at 1231 a.m.

that the place of worship was on fire. to call at 12 31 a.m that the place of worship was on fire 6 30 a.m news conference major david thompson with the saint lucy county sheriff's office said the fire was intentionally set at 11 30 a.m investigators said the arsonist who's either white or hispanic arrived at the scene in a harley davidson style motorcycle i think they mean on in what was in the sidecar with a fucking blowtorch i'm gonna go with white on that one over hispanic just because it's a harley davidson not that hispanics don't drive harley dot but i'm just saying it's florida i'm putting the pieces together i know it's profiling and it's wrong but it's usually works out 99.9% of the time. Thompson said video captured at the Moss showed a person approaching the east side of the building

just moments before a flash was seen and the fire started. Anyhow, naturally, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, otherwise known as ATF kids. And the FBI. They're all investigating. Oh, they'll get right to it. It's a mosque. Oh, they'll get right.

They will put everybody on it. Trust me. If it was a Catholic church, they'd go, we'll get to it in a few weeks. We're busy. Oh, they'll be all over this. They'll have this guy in fucking within the next 48 hours. oh they'll be all over this they'll have this guy and fucking

within the next 48 hours because you know he might have been whitey nobody's condoning that type of shit but you can expect it can't you

because again like I just said earlier in the show the experiment's not working anymore because a certain segment of the political population didn't want to play by the rules and uh so now it's failing on a large scale and it's there's going to be eventually be some. It's going to take something catastrophic to stop this anti-American fucking, well, the rotting of the United States. Don't you think? That's where old Mama Teen went. So how come they're ruling out any gay guy?

Either one of them could have been good, a gay Hispanic, gay white guy. But on a Harley on a harley absolutely leather chaps you know how it goes uh more evidence that the country's rotting from the inside out under dinkweed in chief uh this is a blog though i started to read it you ever do that you're like oh that's a pretty good article then by the end you're like this guy's a fucking left-leaning liberal jackoff. But, you know, some of it was good. Excuse me. Apparently, tent cities full of homeless people are booming in cities all over America as poverty spikes. Then you're like, well, I know, you know, there's 94 million people out of the workforce.

But, you know, this guy exaggerating. Just like during the last economic crisis, homeless encampments are popping up all over the nation. I don't remember that. Do you? I remember them popping up here and there, but all over the nation as poverty grows at a very alarming rate. According to the Department of Housing and Urban Development, they would never lie to us. HUD, right? You know, HUD is the agency that wants to bring low income housing to nice towns that are too white? So I put a grain of salt into fucking anything they say.

More than a half million people are homeless in America right now. But that figure is increasing by the day. Sure it is. It's been reported that the number of homeless children in this country, the minute minute they bring children into your your radar should go up playing on emotions uh homeless children in this country has risen 60 since the last recession i fucking doubt it in poverty usa says that oh poverty usa do you get that's a good, one of my favorite publications. I get Poor Weekly. Says that a total of 1.6 million children slept either in a homeless shelter

or in some other form of emergency housing at some point last year. Yeah, how many of them are fucking, how many of them here, I'd like to know how many got here like 20 minutes ago from another country they don't break that down for you but um they're in large tents that have been established in the heart of major cities such as

seattle surprise surprise washington dc. Louis, of course, California. The Los Angeles City Council has formally asked Governor Jerry Brown to officially declare a state of emergency. What do all those cities have in common, folks? Who runs them? Oh, and Portland extended their homeless emergency for yet another year. And city officials are really struggling with how to deal with the booming tent cities that have sprung up. And there's pictures there. There's so many tent cities that have sprung up. And this picture's there. There's so many tent cities that they have a list of major tent cities that have become so well-known.

Nikki, you laughing? Yeah, I am. Establish that they have been, does it surprise you? The tent cities are well-known. Establish that they have been given names from Wikipedia. I'll give you a few. Camp Hope, that's in La Cruces, New Mexico.

Camp, let's see, we have Camp Take Notice, Ann Arbor, Michigan. Opportunity Village. Sounds like where you send the old people down to Florida. Opportunity Village, where you can golf and fucking play cribbage and then die in a sand trap trying to make eagle. Right to Dream. Right to Dream 2, T-O-O.

Get it? Portland, Oregon. River Haven. Gee, they sound like nice places, actually. Ventura County, California. Safeground. These are tent cities. The names sound terrific. They sound like places you put your parents when they get to them. The Jungle. Not that one. San Jose, California. The Village of Hope and Community of Hope. Fresno, California. that's some pretty grandiose names for a fucking lean twos how about transition park in camden that's where you go the transition you go from a a law-abiding a citizen to laying in your own shit and uh sharing needles under a rotted maple tree but my favorite one my favorite campsite is china hat road china hat road bend to oregon i like to say oregon because it botherss them but it's oregon um so the tent cities are everywhere

i just don't remember seeing that many i have to get out more and then the guy says this is where he loses me this blogger says in fact there are people that are living comfortable and middle-class lifestyles right at this moment that will end up intense we saw this during the last economic crisis and now we didn't i think you're full of fucking shit see if you paid attention in high school and you did the right thing and made the right choice because that's always the argument too from the far left you could be homeless at any minute it could happen to you tomorrow. No, I couldn't.

I paid attention. I flushed my teeth. I listened to my parents. I made good choices. So I don't think it could. Unless, again, World War III breaks out and shit. And Kim Jong-un sends a nice nuclear missile through my living room. And yeah, then I might have to fucking build a shack if i'm still alive i think that's enough right folks i think it is again folks uh

this is the itunes version of the show but go to connect pal that's connect pal.com slash nick and subscribe for more shows and come out uh again this wednesday night subscribe for more shows and come out again this wednesday night uh the comedy underground i'll be upstairs in the lounge again i don't know what they call it technically but i'll be uh working on my new hour and uh the lawyers are talking as we speak about the contract shooting a new hour special at the suffolk theater in riverhead, October 28th, which is a Friday night. I hope it's the 28th. I don't have my book in front of me. That is it.

I think I got it all. I will talk to you tomorrow. Tomorrow. I go to the doctor's tomorrow. I'm doing one of those surgery clearance appointments to see I'm healthy enough to the doctors tomorrow. I have to get, I'm doing one of those surgery clearance appointments to see him healthy enough to be operated on. I have two tiny hernias and one big one. And the guy said,

he goes, well, I'm in there. Fuck it. He goes, I'll fix the other two. And those are the words he used. It makes me a little nervous. He went, fuck it. And it scared me because he said that

and he had a bandana on and it was coming from his garage. But he says it's clean in there and I feel safe. So, yeah. So, I have to have my clearance thing tomorrow. I can't eat anything after midnight tonight and whatever. So, and I'll keep you up to date. And let's see if my nuts feel better after this operation.

My right nut's been ringing like a dinner bell for the last, I'd say, 10 years. That is it. Talk to you soon. Go to nickdip.com for all your Nick DiPaolo needs. I tell my wife that, too. All right. And everybody's happy now the bad things gone away And everybody's happy now the bad things still stay Please let it stay

Hey, I saved the world today. guitar solo I'm out.