The Nick DiPaolo Show - 189- Transgender Sports

Episode Date: June 13, 2017

Transgender Sports

You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riot, kiddies. Welcome to Monday. Damn, that went fast. Last time we talked was Thursday, I do believe. And then I was off to Cleveland to Hilarity's, where I was banned 10 years ago. And it's funny because there was a cop there who was there the night, I don't know,

it wasn't as big a deal as it, you know, they messed it up. I'll get that in a second. But first, I got to thank my contributors to my podcast, Matthew Valentines and Paul E. Frederick and Jonathan Keller. Thank you guys so much for the support. If you want to sign up for the DePaulo podcast, you go to connectpal.com slash Nick,

and you get a free one on iTunes on Monday, and then you get three or four more the rest of the week for $3.99 a month. So when people are still signing up, and I couldn't be happier. Thank you so much. And tomorrow, Dan Soder, a very funny dude who I absolutely love, one of the nicest guys in the business, no doubt about it. He's going to be in here. And I have nothing on my books now i don't have

to get on a plane unless i want to to like oh i don't know the end of august maybe so i'm not getting on a plane i've had enough i'm doing a lot of local stuff hopefully um if you want my tour dates go to nickdip.com follow me on twitter at uh DiPaolo and Instagram. And for live updates, follow the show at DiPaoloShowSXM. Of course, you can always, if you get behind, you can binge listen on demand. Very, very nice, Andy. Very nice. Andy Fiore is my producer. He's and we have uh brendan on the phones brendan's a scrappy kid out of kentucky it's about five six about 117 and he just threw something at

the glass and uh anyhow i was telling uh before i get into this and my trip to Cleveland, I was telling Andy Fiore, that's Andy Flowers for you non-Ginzos out there, that my wife said, you know, you sound like you're kind of bullying him on some of the shows. And I said, shut up. No. But, no, I did. But, I don't know, a couple of shows ago i kind of got uh but i i do it a little tongue-in-cheek i'm like okay andy i'm talking to the people mind your business and uh but then i saw like a little hurt look on andy's face now he's a big scrapping kid he played hockey six four he's like 250 looks like uh i don't know he looks like a dead head but um you know he looked

a little hurt but um you know half it was half of it was meth and half was tongue in cheek. But my wife was like, you've got to stop that. And I said, what do you know about it? Who the fuck are you, Robin Quivers? Shut it! I didn't say that. Well, I did. But I was going to do that hacky line the comedians do.

And then I, you know, said it in my head. I shut it. But, no, I said it. And she yelled back. And a fight ensued. I got hit with a full jar of mustard on the chest. And all because of Andy Flowers and how I treat him. But, yes.

So I try to do a theater of the mind thing here It's me and the callers And I base it on a few successful broadcasters Who have never had guests Who have never had their producers' voice on the air And they've made multi-zillions I can't tell you who those people are Because you'll be like, ah, you like them?

Because we live in a fucking group-think-idiot world And if you don't believe that, just read the papers. But the papers, get the papers. Hey, I don't know how to make a radio show. It's not fair, no? Anyways. Yes, Cleveland, Hilarities in Cleveland. I started this story.

And I was there right after it opened. There was an old Hilarities and a brand new one. this place is uh he opened this about i don't know 12 years ago i was there right after it opened 10 years ago i'm not sure but uh there was a big party of 40 or 50 people in the middle of the room and uh they were getting a little obnoxious and his lady was yelling stuff out i gave her a couple chances then i hit her with this a couple of body blows and i i dry gulched her with a couple and um you know i let her have it i gave her the uh the dressing down that a comedian does when drunk people yell shit out anyways after the show the owner nick called me in the the bouncers jumped in it was a new club they jumped in too early so it looked like more of a big deal than it should have been they they they prematurely

ejaculated the the bouncers. And then there was a cop in the room, and he comes over. So now it looks like there was a knife fight or something. And it goes horribly wrong. But it turns out that the woman I was zinging was the wife of one of the guys who put money into the new hilarities. So the checks had to be refunded for that day and uh the owner was furious and he had us in the kitchen dressing us down and i'm standing there i felt like it was so funny and this guy's so great this guy nick that owns it hung out with him uh for friday night just he's 75 year old greek guy he's got a better physique

than me i'm not kidding you i'm checking his arms out while we're talking. He's got like, he's not even flexing. He's like cutting stuff. He's got traps. He's in like a t-shirt. I mean, and his face looks a little younger than mine. He's 75. I mean, this is what happened.

You know, just good genes. And he works his fingers to the bones. Ten years ago, he was screaming in our face and looking at me, right at me too, going, I had to get back to checking. Yelling at the, it was really kind of humiliating. And apparently it bothered him more than me because I wasn't back for another eight to 10 years. And I have a handful of clubs that said,

yeah, he's funny, but he's not coming back. He called the table of bachelorette bruds, you know, fat, ugly pigs, dropped a few seed bombs, and we're not having him back. Well, well, well, okay, that's fine. But I regretted it when I did hilarities this weekend. It's such a nice club. I was up against the Cavaliers playing about a half mile from the club. The Cleveland Indians were less than that away from the club.

Tom Petty was in town. So we were lucky to get any people out. And it was like three quarters full. And they were great. They were great. They were a little tricky for me, Cleveland. They have that nice Midwestern thing about them. And then you pile on the PC horse shit that's been shoved down their throat.

And because they're nice people, they ingested all that shit and actually believe it. So Thursday night, every time I did a little, you know, a few things a little off color, their ass tightened up a little. But see, I know how to do that. I know I've been doing it so long. I know how to break them down eventually to the point where they're, you know,

I'm doing a minority slash LGBTQ shit and they're standing ovation. I turn them around. But I do it because the bits have to be smart. They can't just be, you know, your mother's tits. Well, they can be. I've done that too.

But Thursday night, there's a lady right up front with her husband. She looks like Debbie Reynolds in the 50s. She had this little blonde angelic face, but she was, you know,

probably older than me. And she was upset. She kept whispering to her husband and I saw her head shaking. This is like seven minutes into my act. And I keep ignoring her was you know probably older than me on my and she was upset she kept whispering to her husband and i saw her head shaking this is like seven minutes into my act and i keep ignoring her you know and i she keeps whispering and she got her arms folded and i finally i go what the fuck do you not like me what is your problem lady and um she's like yeah i go what the language she's nodding her head you know and uh i couldn't even get mad at her she had this she had a face of a of a uh every mom and like leave it to beaver's neighborhood that that uh you know those toothpaste commercials in the 50s where the husband's like yeah you bought the wrong

toothpaste if those even exist but i couldn't even get mad at her she had this angelic face i go look i'm not for everybody but But then I said to her, and this goes to all you people who come out to comedy clubs. I think I've already mentioned this on the show. I said, did you do? And this is how I said it. Her husband said,

did you do your fucking research before you came out to Hilarities? Did you see who the headliner was? Do you think I'm the same as Sinbad? Who's fucking very funny i don't know why i say that but he's actually underrated sinbad um i you know i go went on all the same you don't you don't wander into music venue right let's say you love uh you know you love opera you're gonna wander into men without hats and be upset isn't men without hats reference

it's already old we've been on the fucking air for about a month but uh i said do you goddamn research and that gets a huge laugh you know but she she all of a sudden she was fine you know years ago i would have said get a just shut up you know husband would have thrown a drink at me or something but now it took me 30 years to learn some charm 30 years to go oh if you smile you can say twat and everything oh my god but uh they came around nicely and here's the other thing i loved about hilarities they treat like adults i could actually smoke a cigarette on stage, which I did twice Saturday night. Unbelievable. Why can they do it in Cleveland and not in other faggy cities? Anybody?

Raise your jerk-off hands. Why can we do it in Cleveland? Does the smoke not cause secondary lumps in Cleveland? How much funnier with a cigarette in my hand? I've got to be honest. It's like a prop for me. Does the smoke not cause secondary lumps in Cleveland? I'm much funnier with a cigarette in my hand I gotta be honest, it's like a prop for me Makes me very comfortable Not that I'm a heavy smoker But there's something about it

It's like, you ever let one up Andy on stage? No, I haven't smoked in years You probably can't, because you're a young comic I moved here right when that law became on the books Yeah Yeah, like 2004 When I started, you could burn tires on stage. Nobody would say shit.

People leaving with just soot in their hair and fucking smelly rubber. But I still see Chappelle do it at like the cellar and stuff like that. You know, let's see if you can figure out why that is and what the difference is. Thank you very much. Jesus Christ, do I have to teach these kids? Yes, Chappelle can do it and, you know, but let's see Mody try it. yes, Chappelle can do it and uh, you know but let's see Mody try it

um, so I get the cigarette and I get the drink and I'm having fun I'm working at a different pace the trazodone is slowing me down to a pace that's actually good because you can get creative instead of ramming the jokes down their throat

and uh, I'm dipping into the inflammatory bits I can't remember them that was my last album that into the inflammatory bits. I can't remember them. That was my last album that came out in October. I already can't remember the bits. I'm dipping into those, and I'm doing them in a different order because I can't remember. I'm heading into the Lou Gehrig bit going,

I don't even know how this goes. It was fun. I got my cigarette and my drink, and then picked a spot in the set to do new stuff, which is killing. I do a thing about Funerals and Wakes that Andy saw at a benefit. It's 14 or 15 minutes long.

And it's ripping the tits off the crowd. And it has yet not to. And I haven't written anything since. That was probably in March or February that that came out. 866-969-1969. 866-969-1969 866-969-1969 hey if you're from cleveland i'd like to hear from you and see uh maybe enjoyed the show um but it was very uh the pc crowd they came around um and it's a good gig i'm sorry that i got banned from there you know he's just a good hard-working decent guy he sent patrice o'neill home after one show in the old hilarities

patrice got into it with a woman in the crowd and did his you know his usual urban and uh but nick goss is you gotta love this guy he's on fourth street and last time i was there the street was dead i saw quiznos i told you on a saturday afternoon one o'clock quiznos is closed there was there was plywood in every window it looked like ferguson after the riots and now i come back and you wouldn't believe i mean the calves are in town but you wouldn't believe fourth street because of nick he was the first one to stick it out there. They ought to build a plaque or put a, you know, a Moe Green statue in front of his place.

That street has barbecue restaurants and bar. And he was the guy who was, he's stuck it out. And he's from Brooklyn. And he calls me, I'm cutting my grass on my sit down lawnmower like a suburban asshole that I am. And I got my headphones on, you know, with my phone. And I get a call from Cleveland. Who is it? Nick Costas.

Apologizing to me that he wasn't there Saturday. He had to go to like a graduation in Maryland. But can you imagine being that classy and stuff? So, yes, I regret shooting my mouth off to that lady 10 years ago. Because it's a great gig. I fucked up, okay? I fucked up. Yes, I did.

Counselor? Yeah? Counselor? Why? Why? I just hit the buttons. So, the flight was all right uh you know delta i wish laguardia would please it's going to be years i know but i land like on sunday and they put you in a bus it's like a scene out of schindler's list they don't you know where you're going

and it's just your elbow to elbow. It's all sad and shit. It's fucking horrible. They actually say in the announcement, we're landing in a remote part of the air. They use the word remote by a something fence. Oh, wow. And we're going to have to put you on a bus. Jesus H. I had a guy sitting next to me. Listen to this now.

Had a guy sitting next to me blowing into his hands. You know like a quarterback does when it's 11 degrees out he kept doing that but he took his left hand wrapped around his right thumb like it like a trumpet and he was i i thought he was practicing trumpet but then he started rocking and like talking into his hand i i don't know it really scared me um then he went up into the cockpit, and we took off. No, but he kept rocking and blowing into his hand and moving his fingers like he was playing a trumpet, but he wasn't, because then he switched hands. And I was looking out of the, I think I tore my retina looking out of the corner of my eye at him. I'm trying not to let him see me look at him.

I'm like, you know, like when you're on a beach with your girlfriend or wife and there's a hot broad three feet away. You know, you're in France. This guy kept going. It fucking, I don't know. It was creeping me. I don't know if he was praying or, I didn't like it. I said, can you cut the shit?

No, I didn't say a word, but I sat there. I was being distracted by the lady behind me chewing gum and snapping it every three minutes. I'm trying to read a book. And this bitch is chewing it like Mr. Ed on a carrot. Is this bothering anybody? How do you not know? That's not distracting.

And again, because the seats are what? 18 inches apart? Her fucking mouth is an inch from my... Jesus H. I ordered a cup of hot coffee, threw it right in her face, and it didn't even go viral, that's how bad my career, 866-969-1969 is the call, and then the flight attendant, I don't want to hear this, he gets on the thing and goes, something about connections, he goes, ax me, ax me about about connections i don't want to hear ax from anybody on a plane you know i mean what is that fourth grade street lingo ax it's a

three-letter word it's pronounced ask nobody working on an airline should say ax okay it scares me it means you're too dumb even to be fucking handing me peanuts and Diet Coke. Axe. Gig. So, tremendous, tremendous gig. But I got to be honest with you, folks. I'm happy. Because that's it for a while that book is as open oh

as open as a sore on a ebola patient's back what john in philadelphia line one your thoughts hey nick hey john hey so back in 09 you didium. And I convinced my wife to go to a show for you. I was like, hey, you look caustic. Like, can you rub some feathers? Because she's not the biggest stand-up fan. Right. And we get in, and we're on the second row of tables. And there's this couple directly in front of us.

Yes. And you focused on that couple for some reason. And I'm looking at this couple. And you're talking about how the guy should take the girl out and do this and that and like i realized that it wasn't a male and female but then you didn't realize it so much later in the show and then when you finally like asked them what their deal was and realized that it was like a lesbian couple yeah like the crowds have lost their goddamn minds yes i call i said, I said, I said, sir. I called her sir.

Yeah, he kept calling her sir the entire time. Yeah, by, not intentionally. I mean, I get 70,000 watt bulbs in my, you know, and she's got a, she's got a flat top

and a fucking 18 inch neck. And I'm wrong? Yeah, you. I remember that. Well, and, yeah, and then the show got off to an even better start because someone's cell phone went off right off the bat and I think it was right after the Obama election and you were clearly in a bad place

and that's when my wife looked at me I was like don't worry honey I'll get you another Long Island Ice Cream but she ended up loving it especially once you realize that it was a lesbian couple and and she just lost it, and she loved it. So, yeah, I'm glad to see you've grown in your career, and I appreciate that. I'm a big fan.

Thank you, John. I love Philly. Thanks for calling. It's funny how he goes, right after the Obama, and you were in a bad place. Yeah, I was in Philly where everybody voted for this stupid idiot. I was in a good place where I could fucking cut loose. But I remember that. And that's not the first time.

It happened, ironically enough, in San Francisco at the punchline. I referred to a woman as sir for about five minutes. And then she said, I'm a woman. But you know what? Bought her a drink. I mean, we broke down barriers and walls. I mean, ended up taking her home Bought her a drink. I mean, we broke down barriers and walls. I mean, ended up taking her home and watch her.

No. Ended up taking her home and watching her cut wood in her backyard. I mean, what? What does that even mean? I don't know. Who said that? I did. Who the fuck said that? 866-969-1969, you titless wonders.

Light up them phones. Let's go to Joe in Westchester. Joey, how's your onion? Nick, what's going on, buddy? Oh, I don't know. Oh, hilarious. Love the show. Big fan.

Thank you. Listen, Nick, I know exactly what you're talking about. These people that show up at your comedy shows, or any comedy show for that matter, that don't do their homework. It's embarrassing for these people. What's wrong with them? They walk in like they're going to a show on a cruise ship expecting someone to sing and dance for an hour. And they don't understand that every

comic is different. I don't get it. Well, I'll explain it to you, because, you know, they grew up watching shitty sitcoms and watching stand-up on TV, whether it's a Tonight Show or whatever, and it's all sanitized, and that's how they get educated, years and years and years of that, and then they, you know, they call the comedy club, and the person in the box office, they go, is the headliner funny? What are they going to say?

No, we don't need your chicken finger money and your booze money. Stay home. But I think I'm educating them. I'm the one who started this, hey, did you do your research? I tell them. And the whole crowd laughs now. Yeah, you did the right thing. You did it when I went to see you once. It was

a few people that were sitting in the front row. They were just like staring straight ahead. They were expecting you to put a watermelon on the table and smash it or something. Oh, that was my parents. They love Gallagher. All right. All right, Joe. Yeah, Nick, thanks, buddy. You got it, brother.

866-969-1969 is the phone number. You know, Yeah, Nick, thanks, how about doing Shakespeare in the park and, you know, using Trump as Julius Caesar and stabbing him in death? That's kind of funny, huh? Boy, I hope a fucking Democrat gets elected in four years. I really do, so I can cut loose. We had to mind our P's and Q's when the Marxist was in fucking office. But now we got, you know, Captain Orange, white guy in a business suit. I guess it's open. You can do anything.

All bets are off. Is that how it works? I hope Pelosi runs. I'll have 20 minutes. You can do anything. All bets are off. Is that how it works? I hope Pelosi runs. I'll have 20 minutes on her saggy tits. Ta-da-ta-da-ta-ta for a freak. Dennis on line one.

Hey, Nick. How you doing, you big drag? Hey, what up, Jerkoff? Hey, listen. Out here in Riverhead on Long Island, you went to a theater A couple of times You have a plan On coming back?

Yes Of course I do it once a year Dennis That's how it works I can't be there Every three weeks But I shot my special

There And I have a couple Relatives in prison Out there It's a nice town And It really is The Suffolk Theater

They treat me so well I shot What was the name of my special I had to get my Inflammatory Yeah I shot that In October there And I usually do that

Club theater Once a year It's a Beautiful ornate Little theater Tucked away In the middle of nowhere And absolutely

Make sure you bring You know Like the last guy That called Bring your wife That's not crazy About stand-up i appreciate that too all right dennis take it easy another guy in a walkie-talkie 866-969-1969 866-969-1969. Yeah, I want to talk about the transgender fellow slash girl who can really run, apparently.

And then we have, you know, 2 billion people across the planet are obese now. I don't know why that's bad fucking news. I'll get to that in a few minutes. And I'd like to talk about, yes, about Delta Airlines and Bank of America pulling out of the New York Public Theater. They do Julius Caesar, you know, in the park. And why they pulled out. Any of that stuff, folks, is ripe with politically correct poo-poo, as I like to say. You know, it's really, I can't believe what you can get away with when the presidents are rich white billionaire it's uh it's kind of fun i'm not not against it i'm just

saying i'm just saying i don't know how to make a play did you hear about this uh the the the transgender andrea yearwood uh born and male but identifies as a girl so she's in that the transgender Andrea Yearwood. Born a male, but identifies as a girl. So she's in a track. And, you know, she won a couple state titles recently at the expense of other girls who have tits and a vagina running against her. I don't care for it personally.

And again, the transgender thing, i don't wish that on anybody you really you don't fit in it's kind of that's got to be tough i understand all that shit but you know what you can't be doing this can't be stealing trophies even the fucking williams sisters who i love but come on it's like watching jim brown wrestle a kid with cancer the williams sisters if i was starting a nfl team i'd have them as the pulling guards fast agile muscular but you see when they play against chicks the ball they hit the ball so it goes right through the girl's chest leaves a hole it's like smoke coming out of it i didn't see that signal i'm sorry was it a 30 anyways we'll talk about that and a lot more. We've got a whole bunch of show ahead of us, folks.

No guests, just me yapping and my boys Andy and Brendan. It's the Nick DiPaolo Show. Back after this. You're listening to the Nick DiPaolo Show on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103 The Nick DiPaolo Show returns now. I didn't know he gave me the signal. I was enjoying this one. They got a lot of nice girls out there. Yeah.

Yes. Welcome back, folks. That song, Sexist. That's misogynist. They got a lot of nice girls out there. What are they talking about? Some type of whorehouse out there? I mean, come on. Is it all about pussy with these guys? I don't know. How fucking three people? My first bit, my signature bit Was ZZ Top Job

The guy One of the callers You remember I said It's a Gillette company It was true Offered ZZ Top Six million bucks

To shave their beards On a national TV And they turned it down I said for six million bucks Let some guy With a nervous condition Shave my ass With a bolo knife

Give Catherine Hepburn Three cups of black coffee Better chase me With a weed whacker bucks let some guy with a nervous condition shave my ass with a bolo knife give katherine kepper heparin three cups of black coffee better chase me with a weed whack and that caught on like wildfire and i'll tell you it trajected me right into a strong feature act at the uh ski lodge up in burlington vermont and from there uh you know uh 866-969 is the number i didn't go over some of the uh these julia caesar um quotes from shakespeare i guess i'm a little confused and these actually veni vidi vici andy uh my producer took four years of italian it all stuck and uh turned out well you'll see him at the Laugh Shack on Tuesday

Making eleven dollars In front of no Italian people I'm making Rodeo Cloud money Radio Here you go Fifty one K To get in a barrel And have Rosie O'Donnell

Charge at you A big Oh come She follows me That kind of creeps me out I don't mean on Twitter I mean on the street She follows me

Every time I have a sandwich I look behind me She's right on my ass. Well, Vinny Vidi Vici. Am I saying that right, Andy? Correct. Yeah. That means I came, I saw, I conquered. Trump said, I saw, I came, I asked for a clean towel. Kill again, little buddy! Another quote from Julius Caesar. Cowards die many times before their actual deaths.

Was that Julius Caesar? No, that was Trump talking about the primetime lineup at CNN. If you must break the law, do it to seize power. In all other cases, observe it. That wasn't Julius Caesar. That wasn't Julius Caesar. That wasn't Trump either. That was Saul Alinsky to a young Hillary Clinton at Wellesley College. She had a big, giant, fluffy muff.

Anyways, back to the show. Experience is the teacher of all things. Julius Caesar and Trump sort of spun that. He said, if not, Trump University is a pretty good substitution. Oh, I even know this one. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in those assholes at the New York Times. That was Trump to did. It was actually the fault did Jared.

How you doing, folks? All right. I had a staff of 11 come up with these. Actually, I wrote these at a red light right before I turn on the 56th Street.

Here's another Julius Caesar quote. This was the most unkindest cut of all. That's a Julius Caesar quote. This was the most unkindest cut of all. That's a Julius Caesar quote. Actually, it's Trump talking about slashing welfare rolls or Trump steaks, $60 filet. Brandon, don't give me that cocky, I'm above this type of shit. Okay, you fucking hick.

You should have seen the face. It's the face I see like when i'm on stage and you know this couple of daily show fans didn't know who they were seeing and i just want to pelt them um yeah that's enough for that i think do you like it oh and here's here's another one as he was valiant i honor him but as he was ambitious, I slew him. And that's Trump talking about firing Mike Flynn. He's giving me these cocky faces over there. This guy who's never done comedy, have you?

Are you a stand-up, Brendan? Oh, you are? Really? Yeah, I did a bunch back in Kentucky. Oh, yeah. No, that's good. That's like going, no, I played in a pro ice hockey league in China. I have. Pat on line two.

Welcome to the show. Hey, how you doing? Good, Pat. How you doing? All right. Yeah, get to it, will you? Get him out. I just want to know why Nick DiPaolo don't got his own TV show.

Well, I guess you don't know how Hollywood works, and I guess you're not aware of my level of talent. It's about a D-minus, but I got a radio show, Pat. I got a radio show, Pat. I got a radio show. Your level of talent is beyond the other level of talent that I have to fucking force down my throat when I watch TV. I agree with that, and I have to agree with Pat. Maybe, Pat, would you like to be my agent? You know what? Would you like to? You know what? Ever since Free FM, 92.3, I was like, who is this guy?

This guy is great. I wish you worked for Claire Channel. What's that? I appreciate that. I'm glad you're listening to the show. Tell all your friends, Patty. What's that? Alrighty. Take care.

Put your money where your metal plate is. And you wonder why my career is where plate is. And you wonder why my career is where it is. That was the president of my fan club. Under his yearbook picture in high school,

you know what his quote was? What's that? Excuse me. Excuse me. You need to shut the fuck up i'll get to bill cosby tomorrow night apparently the defense rested after six minutes now if i'm cosby i'm not happy sitting there go for christ's sake really yeah six minutes even they know he's full of shit you know when you do a bit on spanish fly that's shit you put in girls drinks and get them horny when you do a bit on that it might come back to bite you in the ass and the 52 broads coming out

with the exact same story who never met each other i don't know you don't have to be quincy to fucking connect the dots there i always go the quincy reference because jack cluckman jack cluckman was the same as quincy as he was oscar i'm gonna take away these kids are taking pills and they're gonna die uh i didn't know uh brendan did stand up neither that's nice to hear anyways yeah i read this headline two billion people across the world are obese i don't know why that didn't bother me that's supposed to really upset me more than a quarter of the planet's population is suffering from fat related health problems and then it says a damning report warns well again don't don't make don't draw a conclusion

for me it's not a damning report i found. Well, again, don't draw a conclusion for me. It's not a damning report. I found it very encouraging. I'd rather see that than them starving to death. I'd rather see kids choking on their own vomit after they had three cheese sandwiches than, you know what I mean, dying of malnutrition. I don't know why. Four million people died in 2015 as a direct result of being too fat. Too fat.

Around 2.2 billion, 30% of the total global population were found to be too fat. And the majority of these people were ill as a result. Levels of obesity have doubled in more than 70 countries since the 80s. That's the one that got me. There's a picture of Andy in this article. They mention him by name twice in it. His love of carbs. In the UK, a quarter of adults are obese with a body mass index, that's BMI, over 30.

Don't go by the BMI, by the way, folks. They came up with that like in 1950. According to the BMI, I should be, and I'm not shitting you, I should be 160 pounds, okay? I'm 5'9", and I'm about 203, 204, and that's actually light for me. But see, muscle weighs five times more than fat. They don't figure that. 160, I would have to lose 50 pounds i would look pretty weird i'd look like a zika baby wouldn't i i don't know but i did a bit on my another census killing that was two albums ago about obesity versus starvation uh and here's how it went are we a fat country or not

i can't decide. I saw Mayor Bloomberg on Meet the Press a couple weeks ago. He's like, for the first time in the history of this country, more people are dying from obesity than starvation.

What's your fucking point? That's progress, asshole. Would you rather drop dead eating a quarter pounder or because you were a quarter pounder? Jesus Christ. If that's true, more people are dying from obesity than starvation.

We're going to have to change those late night commercials you see. You know, the little ones with the African kid sitting in the desert with a bowl of rice in front of him, flies all over his face. We're going to have to replace him with a 400 pound Green Bay Packers fan sitting in his recliner with a pile of chicken wings on his lap, barbecue sauce in his face. Gonna have to replace him with a 400-pound Green Bay Packers fan sitting in his recliner with a pile of chicken wings on his lap, barbecue sauce in his hair. For just 20 cents a day, you can buy this

fat fucking treadmill. For another 20 cents, a head of cabbage. He hasn't shit since the early 70s. It's called roughage. Help him out. Look at him.

He's got whipped cream on the bridge of his nose. I think we're a fat country, but then I hear all these commercials late at night saying just the opposite. One in four Americans goes to bed hungry every night. Why? Stop off at the fridge on the way to the bedroom,

shithead. Problem solved. Duh. Like you saw a pigeon eating a half of cheeseburg. He's bigger than he is. Step on his neck and take it, shithead. Problem solved. Duh. Like you saw a pigeon eating half a cheeseburg. He's bigger than he is. Step on his neck and take it, you fucking idiot.

Oh, no need for language. What were you pointing at? You're talking about the Caesar play on Fox News. Yeah, we beat him to it. You get it from Martha McCallum, though. Yeah, these girls get their own shows well this is what

here's another hypocrisy at fox you know o'reilly sexual harassment all this shit these women stick they get their own shows they immediately lose like 20 pounds they have a hundred thousand dollars worth of work done in their faces but you know god forbid you told me i had a nice ass at the fucking copier what uh what uh, the BMI, which is body mass index, uh, go ahead, Andy. You're a normal weight,

I'm overweight. I'm a normal weight? What do you mean? Yeah, when you calculate your height and weight, I'm 5'9", like 203. Oh, 5'9", 203. Right now, that would be,

you are a 30. Oh, you're a little overweight. I'm not, though. That's the point you look good it's so silly seriously i should weigh one i should weigh like 170 according to that right yeah for you okay watch how silly this is five nine yeah anything over anything 170, you'd be overweight.

There you go. Anything over 170. Can you imagine? Again, that BMI thing came up. Who invented that again? I have no idea. Twiggy? Do you remember Twiggy?

Yes. Piece of ass. One million British kids are also dangerously fat. Well, don't worry. ISIS will take care of that. Goes for all of us, folks. Little joke there. Being too heavy.

Wow, they're really breaking some ground with this study. Being too heavy increases the chances of type 2 diabetes, heart, liver disease, and several common cancers. No shit. Really? I thought it was really good for you to be a few pounds overweight. No? Who likes fat girls? Raise your hand.

I'm just saying. So let me get this. The planet's warming and people are getting fatter. It's going to be really smelly around here in about 40 years. I'm glad I'm getting off the planet, you know? It already stinks in New York today. Oh, my God. New York City in this weather, you can give directions by the orders in New York City, you know?

You can go, yeah, you're going to go two blocks. You're going to smell a dead guy. Take a left. Go another two blocks. You're going to smell bagels and horse shit. Go another five blocks. You gonna smell bagels and horse shit go another five blocks you're gonna smell mex uh latino food latino food what does that even mean i don't know then you've gone too far but um yeah i thought i had a piece of poop on my upper lip this morning walking in here this afternoon very gross uh the urine the urine just kicks in then but um

i don't know we got the fat models now the plus models and i'm sure the guys we're all loving that isn't it fun to be living in a time we have to lower the standards out of fairness isn't it isn't it fun whether it's a whether it's a flight attendant on Delta who can't say the word ask and pronounces it axe. I actually heard on the Meet the Press, you got that snot? Andy's about elbow in deep into his nose. I had this. You trying to scratch your fucking brain? This guy's digging in his nose like there's a $100 bill in there.

Come on. There's blood all over your shirt. It's gross. Kevin from Georgia says there's a lot of obese women in this country. I know they are in Georgia. I've been down there. They like their grits. Kevin, go ahead.

Hey, Nick. Great show. Thank you, sir. Actually, I'm from New York. I'm just down here driving. It's just these women nowadays. Man, I don't know. I guess I'm old school, but I like a little tight ass.

I don't like these big, giant Kimian asses that are wider than my truck well i haven't seen your truck so i don't know and uh no you're right the the uh pop culture sets the trends and uh you know pop culture there's a there's a lot of black influence of pop culture and the big ass is what the brothers like and uh i understand i i'm with you i kind of like a tight shapely ass but uh there are some white black influence of pop culture, and the big ass is what the brothers like. And I understand. I'm with you. I kind of like a tight, shapely ass, but there are some white women with some asses you could play handball off of. You've got to be honest there.

Oh, man, it's awful. It's like plywood, but Kim Kardashian, yeah. She looks, I mean, there's some pictures I'm like, well, it's quite an ass, but I'm sorry. It's fat. It's a little fat. You know what I'm saying? But it's not just women, Kevin. Let's be fair.

Oh, no, I got a big old beer cut. So, you know, who can say anything? Yeah, no. Well, you just did. But thanks for the call, Kev. I mean, the South always leads. Mississippi and Louisiana usually lead in obesity. And it has something to do, I don know like i said with grits i went

to even atlanta they took me out for breakfast you know i'm looking around there's people eating waffles with a half a roast uh half fried chicken on top of the waffle and and then pouring syrup over that and then you know going and laying down on a trailer for two hours that can't be healthy but they eat i've never seen, they eat so heavy. Yeah, that heavy white gravy. Yeah, yeah. The red eye gravy.

The grits though, oh my God. Grits is just a southern polenta, as us Italians would say. But, oh my goodness. Grits, grits, more grits. But if you check The obesity thing The obesity The south always Leads the way

Let me play the last bit Did I play the last bit Of my obesity One in three Americans Doesn't know where Their next meal is coming from Yeah neither do I Might be Wendy's

Might be McDonald's Could be Burger King I don't know Tony Roma's Every night I sit home Going should I go to Wendy's or McDonald's? I can't make up my mind. Oh, I guess I have to go to bed hungry again, huh?

You do hear that, right? I'm like, which one is it? Are people starving? One in three people are going to bed hungry? Are we fat fucks? Everything I read is refuting that. Brendan in Long Island. Brendan, welcome to the show.

Hey, Nick. How are you today? Pretty good. Do you like fat? Let me ask you something, Brendan. How tall are you? What do you weigh? I'm about 5'8".

Yep. And I'll go right away now. I'm actually like 219. I did 253 at one point, but I've lost. Wow. You were 5... 5... 5 what? 5'8". 5'8", 253 at one

point? Yeah, I got hurt and I was pretty much laid up for a while. You got hurt or you got pregnant? Holy Christ. What are you, you have an IV of heavy cream in your arm when you went to sleep? Holy Christ, that's a... I want to see some pictures. How'd you lose the weight, Brendan?

I started doing Muay Thai at the gym and just, you know, watch what I ate. I got down to 200 and then I put a little bit back on just by muscle-wise, but I've kept most of it off. Let me ask you, what were you eating when you lost the weight? I ate clean. I was just like salads, grilled chicken. I stayed away from soda, you know, like sugary drinks. And now I'm drinking just water and water with lemon.

I don't know why that is. I eat pretty clean, though, and it doesn't help. You know? It's just, you know, you've got to change your know? Yeah, I'm not going to do that for anybody. I'm 106. I'm going to live on... I like to live on Skittles and pussy. Nothing wrong with that.

Go ahead. You mentioned the stench in New York City. Yes. About five minutes ago. Yes. I work in the city, and I walked by this homeless guy this morning. I ended up dry-heating and puking on my breakfast

on the side of the road. That's how bad it was. Yeah, but that's how you stay thin. Exactly. But I'm just saying, you know, you made a great description about the stench in the city, and I totally agree with you. Yeah, no, it's not a real breakthrough, but yeah, it really comes alive when it kicks up into the 90s.

And we— Tomorrow should be wonderful. I'll tell you what, thank you, Brendan. Thanks for the call. Where you really want to be is on that West Side Highway, like I said, next to the sewage treatment plant. Picture all the poo-poo and pee-pee in the city. Not all of it goes there, but— And I go by, and I have that, you know that button in your car you press?

You can circulate the air inside or outside. It's always on the outside. And all of a sudden, it's like somebody hit me with a shit pie in the face. I'm going back tonight. I'm German. Did I mention that? I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't know. This segment is really an excuse to play some of my bits.

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't know. This segment is really an excuse to play some of my bits. Those bits are off Another Senseless Killing, which I was supposed to go to Hulu, and then the guy calls from Comedy Dynamics and wants to put it on Amazon. I'm like, okay, Amazon's like twice as big, but it's a new kind of Amazon.

It's never just, you know, I can never. Ah, Seesaw. It's going to be the big next. Things sunk like a set of car keys. Not true either. It's not over yet for Seesaw. And I thank them for putting it on. Andy looks very bored.

That's all right. The show's almost over. Tomorrow night, folks, please tune in. Dan Soder and Andy Nosenwell from, you know, what was the name of the show?

The Bonfire. The Bonfire with Big Jay. And, uh, he's such a good dude. Everything, he's such a male, everything's his football reference when I talk to him,

no matter what. It's always a sports reference. He is the nicest, most likable dude I just, uh And he had like kind of a, you know Shitty upbringing, he told me Uh, so how do you become that nice? I had a nice upbringing and

If I had kids, I'd be beating them now I don't know, but Soda's gonna be in here And uh, Wednesday This guy, Matt Burke Who I saw, uh He's a Long Island guy, but he's like, you know, in his 40s and stuff. And I saw his Gotham set online and just funny, just a good writer and sort of a guy's guy. And he had like a receding hairline and he's talking, he's making fun of his hairline. It didn't even make any sense, but it made me laugh.

He said, what am I, a Civil War surgeon? Which, I don't even know. But that's what he looked like. It just fucking made me laugh. He's got a, so he's going to be, I want to give these guys that don't get my chink yet, that kick around the New York area. I'd like to get these young, you know, these ones that I like and I'm sure my fans would like too to come in here.

And that, and I couldn't get to Louie. Anyways, what? No, I actually texted Louie. I go, hey, listen, lover of cum guzzlers. Could you come on in this week? Probably not too busy, you know.

It's like, no, me and Woody Allen are going on a retreat, and then I got Alan Alda coming over for a... But we'll get him in, and then we'll just bullshit two hours of... It won't even be politics. It'll be him and I live together and know each other forever. Chuck in Boston is hanging on line three. Chuckie. Yeah, you got to admit, though, Kim Kardashian, she does have a couple of nice asses on her.

She has two nice asses. This is true. Yeah, yeah. You want to make that into a funny bit? Take your weight and see how tall you're supposed to be. First try with John Fennett. Yeah. He's like eight foot nine.

Yes. That's fucking hilarious, Chuck. Young up. He's teaching me how to do comedy. It's fucking hilarious, Chuck. Yeah, I know. He's teaching me how to do comedy. Chuck from Boston. Calling from a fucking basement studio in Charlestown. I actually like him, though. That's, that's, see, that's the Boston, Massachusetts way.

No respect for anybody. You want to make that into a funny bit i didn't like my bit chuck all right well we'll hire you as a writer i could have went that way yes i should be seven foot eleven kim kardashian should be 14 feet if you break down the m we almost done my ass crack is sweating in here and it's not even fucking warm in here. Pretty gross. Real quickly, before we go, California. A minute left? Yes. Holy Christ. I thought, this night flew by.

I mean, oh, my goodness. This was like when you're drinking and driving. You know? And you're like, Christ, this is like, what, an 80-mile trip? And you go to play with the radio, and you look up, is that my driveway? Holy Christ. I was going to get into California, you know, when Jerry Brown in the state of California,

ignoring Trump, we pulled out of the Paris Accords, but they're doing it on their own. So let that state go and whatever. Anyways, kids, thank you to all the callers tonight. And tomorrow, like I said, the very funny Dan Soda will join us. We'll talk about Bill Cosby, California, and a bunch of other things. Talk to you later. Oh, yeah!