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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com. Oh, yeah.
It's that time again, folks.
How are you?
Nick DiPaolo, radio program on a Monday.
I'm your straight white male host.
I don't know if that's allowed in this country anymore
watching the Emmys
I don't know if I'll ever see any straight white males
ever again on television
what a fuck fest
anyways
866-969-1969
tonight we get the very funny
Lisa Trager who I love by the way
she was on Horace and Pete with me
we did a scene together.
You know, I was the DA for some Brooklyn office, and she was, like, busting my ball.
This is how I know she's a great actress.
I wanted to literally choke her during the scene every time we did it.
She did that thing where the head, you know, that black girls do that go side to side.
I wanted to put my fist up her nose.
She was so good.
You're only as good as the guy acting across you know the gal
and she was so freaking good and and she's a funny comic i hear her on the radio all the time
and how about this she played football on a male football team in high school
the jubilee imagine that
where's she from like skokie it's one of those i think it is skokie she's i fucking love her
she's funny as hell.
And yeah, so she'll be in here later on.
Tomorrow night, Mark Bavaro.
That's right.
The best Titan ever to play for the Giants, arguably.
And my old high school teammate will be here.
That's right.
Mark Bavaro.
And my producer's got a hard on because he was like eight years old when Bavaro won a couple rings.
And Danny, I mean.
Oh boy, here we go. Oh my God. Andy fiori is that what it is is it andy and and that's kevin stipes do i have the two uh anyways
let's get right to it okay i'm laying around last night i go on twitter and i see this i've just had
it with a pc horseshit i didn't check in with the emmys at all actually till today i actually went
online and looked at the clips because i can't stomach that horseshit i didn't check in with the emmys at all actually till today i actually went online and
looked at the clips because i can't stomach that horseshit i stopped watching it uh two years after
i went to him with chris rock i think um but i'm on twitter and i see this stupid fucking sign that
somebody put up in their business and it says hate has no business hereag hate has no biz here. We respect women. This is what the
science is. We respect women. We
value black lives. We stand
with our LGBT community members.
We stand with immigrants and refugees and
people of all faiths. We stand with our
community.
So I retort.
I think I speak for most. I've learned
my lesson on Twitter,
for most straight white males when I say,
go fuck yourselves.
You know,
when I went to bed
and I wake up today
and I'm 80 followers lighter.
That many of you people
who are fans of mine
don't understand
what I'm about,
my comedy DNA.
Are you that retarded, some of yous?
I lost like 70 or 80.
They're starting to come back already.
But I'll repeat it.
We respect no women.
We value black lives.
We stand with our LGBT community members.
We stand with immigrants, refugees, and people.
Who did they leave out there, folks?
By process of elimination. They're not even ballsy enough to just say hey white fellas stay the fuck out
straight white fella do you see what i'm saying it's process of elimination and how you can't
see that is beyond me so i also got like 670 likes and i don't know how many hundreds of retweets
so that some of you are with me and haven't lost your minds. And not the fucking idiot fools.
But this kid on Twitter goes to me,
so that means you're against all those groups on that sign.
Yeah, that's exactly what it means, shithead.
That's exactly
what it means.
Please, please!
Don't you move, you motherfucker!
I'll blow your brains out!
I don't know what that has to do with anything.
I just felt like hearing that.
Yeah, that's exactly what it means. it's a zero-sum game because i didn't like this sign and i was pointing out that they by the way they use the word uh
we stand with our community all people of all faiths and um but what they're implying number
one by that sign is there are businesses who don't there's a
ton of business who don't respect women and and and black uh black lives and lgbd yeah there's
there's about four out of the 60 million businesses there's like four religious people who don't want
to make a cake and they have that right by the way uh but you see how stupid people they've
swallowed this it worries me you've swallowed this pc politically
correct horseshit propaganda from the left you've swallowed you've ingested it and you can't perceive
reality right you have you can't think on your own anymore do you really think that's what i
meant yeah i don't respect women i don't value black lives fuck the lgbt community by the way
as i'm saying this right now somebody from
media matters will will take this and you know i can edit it so it so i'm saying i don't like
i know i've been there folks 866-969-1969 866-969-1969 it just infuriated me
infuriated me same with sat Saturday night at Newtown Theater.
I guess four or five people walked out about five minutes into it.
They were women, naturally.
Saying, he's just...
They weren't all women.
Actually, there was a guy who wanted to come back in.
He was so upset after he walked out.
He said, I was racist.
I was homophobic.
I was just filthy.
Which isn't true.
Well, maybe a little bit.
But isn't it hilarious that people can go to a comedy club?
And again, we know how you voted.
We know how you voted, you dopes who walked out.
Four white women.
Why don't you do your research, chubby housewife?
Go to the Newtown Theater website and see who the guy is you're coming to see.
What do you think I was going to do?
You just wandered into a comedy venue
hoping I was going to come out on a unicycle
with my cock in a banana hammock
juggling milk bottles
like they do in France.
Those guys sell out.
But some guy,
oh, he was terrible.
I want to talk to him.
Oh, I'm right talk to him, oh,
I'm right here,
I'm back here in the green room,
but,
and another guy on Twitter says,
so what are you trying to do,
Anthony,
cool me yourself,
out of a radio job,
by how,
by defending straight white males,
and I don't want to hear this shit either,
from people like Greg Fitzsimmons,
oh,
he really thinks straight white males have it tough,
that's not what I'm saying,
I'm saying, your'm saying your language,
you're always singing
about being inclusive.
Well, you're not in this thing.
And you're doing it
in a left-handed way,
a typical left-leaning,
cowardice way.
There's commercials.
I heard them out in L.A.
20 years ago
for small businesses.
And at the end of the commercial,
it would say, minorities and women apply for the so i'm just saying folks um discrimination discrimination
if it was wrong back in whenever it should be wrong now but how can you be that simple to think
it's a zero-sum game because i didn't like like this. That means I don't respect blacks, women, or gays, or refugees, or shit.
How simple do you have to be?
And this is why this shit takes a foothold.
Because people, you know, the TV, movies, commercials.
And the other thing is the left has won the culture wars.
But if that's true, if they've won the culture, I think we've won something more important.
left has won the culture wars but if that's true if they've won the culture i think we've won something more important how about the fact that they have to have grief counselors at berkeley
after a conservative speaker like there was a fucking shooting they have to have grief
9-1-1 yeah what's your yeah i got about three students on the ground crying uh there was an
exchange was there gunfire exchange no an exchange of ideas but they didn't like them. And they're emotionally wounded.
Fuck off.
They have grief counselors at Berkeley.
You guys on the left have lost your fucking minds if you ever had them in the first place.
I want all of you listening out there, hit me up on Twitter, at Nick DiPaolo.
I need to make up those 80 that dropped me last night.
Not that it fucking matters.
It's so funny.
Like I said to my agent, when those are worth a buck a piece, those followers, I'll get really excited about it.
I'll snort coke and stay up all night tweeting my balls up.
I did have some good ones this weekend.
Did you see the ad of the black Tommy Davidson?
Remember him?
Who I fucking love, by the way.
Worked with him many times.
But that was in a Boston paper.
They put Tommy Davidson's headshot and it said Nick DiPaolo appearing.
And this is how paranoid I am.
I guarantee somebody did that just to bust my...
That one got like almost 700 likes.
But I can't believe people are that simple.
That means you don't like those people on the poster.
Can you imagine?
That's why the Democrats are in every race almost.
But they're being wiped out now.
Because it's getting too silly out there.
And to imply that most businesses don't respect women, blacks, or LGBT.
That is just priceless.
Because see we have laws on the books that.
You know.
So.
Retarded. um retarded fucking retarded yeah it it it i i just had enough i i was laying there and i read that and it just went to me it
was one of those i typed it out i'm like uh i do this all the time i used to have a bit on it
twitter it's like a live gun.
I want to end my fucking life or my career.
I tweet out something really fucking racist.
I got my thumb on the button.
My wife's like, don't do it.
I'm like, fuck you.
I can't take it anymore.
Something about Trayvon Martin and Skittles.
I'm fucking my fingers like an inch from the button.
This is true.
My wife's like, don't you dare.
I'm like, fuck you.
I'm going to do it.
I'll take us both out.
It's like a live gun for some of us.
866-969-1969.
Call in and try to defend this retarded sign, please.
I don't even know where it was.
We respect women.
We value black lives.
I guess it's not Radio
Shack because they treat black people terribly, I heard.
They follow
them around the store. We stand with our
LGBT community members.
Here's the problem
and the word community, I've said this on the
show many times. Can we stop?
You see how many communities we have
now? We have the black community, we have the women community,
the LGBT community. See, we're the women community, the LGBT community.
See, we're one big community, you dinks.
You people who want a colorblind society and, oh, we're all Americans.
You really don't.
You like to divide us up into a million pieces with me being the bad guy.
Sally in North Carolina.
Sally, how are you?
Is it raining there?
Hi. No, no. No? Is it raining there? Hi.
No, no.
No?
Beautiful day.
All right, baby.
Yes, yes, yes.
So, yeah, I was just calling in.
I am probably one of, well, I am definitely more left-wing,
but everybody has their own place in life, their own perspective.
That's right.
That's right.
My ex-husband shares ex-husband uh shares
every single one of your opinions that's not why he's my ex-husband wait wait wait
your husband what my opinions my ex-husband shares all of your opinions as far as being
right and i'm and i'm saying that is absolutely not the the why I'm calling in. Oh, damn it.
I just wanted to say, though, you know, just purely from my experience,
as a fairly cute female.
What do you weigh?
What's your height? I am 5'6", and I'm 118.
Oh, pretty damn good.
Go ahead.
So, yeah, my face isn't bad either.
She's got a lot of confidence.
I like this, Brian.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, Shelly.
But, I mean, I enjoy listening to your show.
Thank you.
But just like what I was saying, from my personal experiences from the time that I was 14 years old,
and at 14 years old, I wasn't really equipped.
I've been sexually harassed by every male boss I've ever had.
And at 14 years old, I wasn't really equipped to deal with that.
Now I'm just like, you know, I deal with it.
just like, you know, I deal with it.
Actually, my last boss, I parlayed that as he was leaving into getting like the sweet corner office and everything.
But just realizing that, you know,
my experiences in the profession, in my profession, have been very different.
And, you know, I just wanted to say that.
Just like, you know, and you haven't really talked about,
you weren't advocating sexually harassing women.
I do understand that.
Yeah, of course not.
But, yeah, I mean, that's kind of a hard hard hard that's
been kind of a hard lesson for me and you know i've i've like i said i've got that experience
under my belt um all right all right all right i understand that but but but you're enduring that
okay but but but first of all sally it implies that most
businesses don't respect women first of all i don't even know if they're talking about employees
they're talking about customers we value black lives we stand with lg yeah you know what 99
percent of businesses do so and and and hold on let me finish we stand with immigrants refugees
people of all it mentions women black, black lives, gay people.
It doesn't mention straight white males.
Do you understand?
So, and I'm not saying that, oh, we have it tough,
because that's what the typical knee-jerk reaction from liberals is,
oh, poor white male.
That's not what I'm talking about.
You're either fucking inclusive or you're not.
That's why this sign pissed me off.
It's just a backhanded stab at white, straight males.
That was my only point.
I don't doubt you were sexually harassed.
That's Americana.
Go ahead.
No, and I do understand your point.
It's like we are inclusive, everybody, but white males.
Yes.
That now is pointedly left out, you know.
Yeah.
But I mean, no, I was going to say, I love hearing people who, you know, difference of opinions and talking about things like makes the world go around.
And I would be fucking bored as shit if everybody thought like me, you know. Difference of opinions and talking about things, like, makes the world go round.
And I would be fucking bored as shit if everybody thought like me.
You know?
Yes, exactly. And you would probably be bored as shit if everybody in the world thought like you.
Yes.
But it's nice that we can, it's nice.
Okay, Sally, now hold on.
Some people are able to acknowledge.
All right.
But let me stop you.
You're equivocating, okay?
What I'm saying is the people who agree with this fucking sign and the people on Twitter who said, oh, you disagree with,
you don't like everybody mentioned on that sign,
there's too many of those people.
And I'm right and they're wrong in that situation.
Well, and I'm right and they're wrong in that situation you know well and i'm not on twitter i don't follow anybody but that statement would have definitely not made me stop following you right and you know what and that's how you get it that
that's my only point i mean uh it's it scares me to see and i get it just twitter who cares but
it scares me to see that many people have ingested this PC baloney, and they can't think for themselves.
They've been poisoned, whether it's through television over the years or whatever, but it's just, it's absolute.
Anybody who, like me, is a straight white male and voted for Trump, I'm being lumped into the alt-right, Nazi, all that shit.
And we see where it's headed.
And the whole white supremacist thing is such a crock of horseshit.
I can't even talk about it anymore.
Sally, thank you so much for the call.
I appreciate it.
No, I appreciate listening to you.
And I'm just very glad that you took my call.
Are you kidding?
We need more women on here.
See, I'm inclusive.
I respect women. Yeah, totally, I'm inclusive. I respect women.
Yeah, totally.
I'm not.
Yeah.
No, I'm totally down.
Totally down with you.
Totally down with your show.
Thank you, Sally.
Appreciate it.
All right.
All right.
Have a great evening.
You too.
Thanks for calling.
I mean, walking out of a comment.
Let me ask you, who's more apt to walk out of a cop and i know
a handful did during amy schumer concert because she went on some fucking rant remember it was like
group of trump i think it was during the campaign but who's more likely to have their little feelings
heard at a comedy club or on twitter somebody who thinks like me or somebody from the left
just ask yourself that who who are the closed-minded
ones really where are the speech codes coming from who needs safe who needs grief counselors
and safe spaces i love this whole notion your ideas make me feel uncomfortable i don't believe
you they make me feel uncomfortable i need need a safe space. Well, step into
my walk-in freezer. I'll let you out tomorrow morning.
Fuck face.
Have a seat on the box of pork chops.
That's right, red meat.
Oh,
God help us. Our Father who art in
heaven. Steve in Chicago.
What's going on, Stevie?
Nick, how you doing, my friend?
Pretty good. How you doing? Good, good? Nick, how are you doing, my friend? Pretty good. How are you doing?
Good, good.
Listen, I had a real kind of awakening this weekend.
I have a part-time job serving beers at Sox Park.
Or the White Sox play.
They asked me this weekend if I'd like to go out to the Chicagoland Speedway for a NASCAR race.
I'm from the south side of Chicago.
I don't know shit about NASCAR.
Me neither.
I haven't even thought about going.
Right.
I went out there.
There was 170,000 people there this weekend.
Let me tell you, the stereotype for a good percentage of the NASCAR population
is pretty true.
Sure.
I didn't meet one asshole out there the whole weekend.
Yeah.
I was serving beer for 12 hours a day.
The nicest, whitest crowd you're ever going to meet in your life.
These people were just, they were, but listen to where I'm going with this.
I am.
This is just a small section of Chicago called Joliet, like, you know, northern Illinois section.
Yeah.
You go to all 50 states, and you're going to find the same people all over the place.
Right.
And that's the country.
That's the country.
The asylum majority just fucking blew everything out the window last November.
That's right.
And all I could think about is, and you're going to get a kick out of this, is this,
And all I could think about is, and you're going to get a kick out of this, is this, I kept thinking about this thing with the Sopranos, the episode that the Jew, you know, the Jew, REO, was talking to Tony, telling him some sob story about his people fought off enslavement, this and that. Yes, yes.
And he goes, and where are the Romans now?
Yeah, you're fucking
looking at him, asshole.
Tony, look them right in the eyes.
You're looking at him, asshole.
That's what I felt like
when I walked out
of the fucking speedway last night.
I never felt so good
to be an Irish hillbilly
in my life.
Yeah.
And again, you know,
and that doesn't...
Nicest people in the world.
They were the most comfortable people in the world they were and they were
the most comfortable people in the world right right yeah the most comfortable people and like
i said that's all over the country you talk about the 13 well it's all over the country but those
look we can't you gotta be honest these demographics are changing uh by by the hour and uh
and that's what the democrat party does i I mean, that's why they play.
They're the most cynical assholes, the Democrats.
They just, oh, the dreamers.
We care about these kids.
They care about the fucking votes of those kids.
They're grandkids, the following generation.
That's all that is, and people fall.
And meanwhile, the only way they can do that, Steve,
is to demonize people like you and me and people that are at NASCAR.
Right, right. Let me give you another heads-up, something that you're going to just love. Steve, is to demonize people like you and me and people that are at NASCAR.
Right, right.
Let me give you another heads up, something that you're going to just love.
You'll be jerking off to this.
Oh, boy.
Napkin person. Ronald Emanuel is the biggest jerk off around.
He's the poster boy for what you just mentioned.
Yes, I know.
Yeah.
You can do some gulo on this or whatever.
Gary McCarthy is his police chief that he threw under the bus about a
year and a half ago i remember that fired the guy yeah guess who's running for mayor just to get in
the fucking debates gary mccarthy he's gonna run for mayor i know the guy a little bit uh it's good
he's a neighborhood guy now he just hangs out drinks beers on the south side he's a good guy
does he have uh i thought you're gonna say it was the other guy, Blagojevich, whatever his name is. No, but it's just, he's going to throw a curveball in the ROMs bullshit.
It's just going to be.
Any chance he takes votes away or is it a lost cause, Chicago?
No, I think he just wants to show what an asshole this guy is.
How stupid the fucking, the Democrats are.
Yeah.
You know, and how deep the, you know what, how deep the, you know, I just spoke about how good some of these people are, the NASCAR people. Yeah. You know, and how deep the, and you know what? How deep the, you know, I just spoke about how good some of these people are, the NASCAR
people, living on the south side of Chicago.
Most of the people who live in these bad neighborhoods that are on the news all the time are great
people.
Yes.
Yes.
It's the percentage of shitheads that just wipe it all off.
Yeah.
And that's who the mainstream media defends.
Hey, thanks for the call, Steve.
I gotta... Can you give a little shout-out to Bobby the Brain Heenan tonight?
A little tribute to him, maybe? Yeah.
I'll do that. Bobby,
sorry to see you go.
Take care, Nicky. Alright, take care.
I could give a fuck about
Bobby the Brain Heenan or fuckin'
Andre the Giant or fuckin'...
Rowdy Roddy Piper. Is he gone yet too yeah yeah he went too right yeah yeah
snooker he's gone yep these people juice till their kidneys look like fucking raisins and uh i was never a wrestler i like wrestling in the 70s bruno sammartino
um the tanaka brothers do youmartino. The Tanaka Brothers.
Do you remember these guys?
The Tanaka Brothers?
Were they the Indians with the headdresses?
Some real fucking racist shit.
So funny.
Tremendous.
Let's take one more call before we go to the first break.
By the way, the number is 866-969-1969.
And again, hit me up on Twitter.
Follow me.
Anybody listening, at Nick DiPaolo. 1969 and and again hit me up on twitter follow me anybody listening at nick depalo i want to
make up those those 80 haters who have been brainwashed by this pc propaganda and have no
ability to reason it's all emotion on their part and it's really it's frying my apples
it's giving me a taint rash leonard uh welcome to the show leonard a buddy from georgia
hi leonard hi how you doing brother nick pretty good you got you got my mind thinking about
everything now he is true about that nascar you never hear the uh what do you call it the riots
and killings and mass shootings at a nCAR event. Wanted to tell you something.
Yes, sir.
Here's a sign for you.
You talk about that sign.
Here's one down in Georgia at a gun shop of all places.
It says if you don't have enough respect to pull your pants up,
you don't have right to come into my shop.
And there was a little local, what do you call it, backlash over it.
But it still sits up in that shop.
And then I got another one for you.
You got my mind really thinking about all this.
We are becoming the minority, sir.
There's a place called Hobby Lobby.
I'm sure they have it up there in the northeast you've heard of it well this is the religious thing you're going to tell me about right
no sir absolutely not okay moving on we're moving on from that oh okay go ahead we're talking about
signs all right well well this isn't really a sign young lady i don't know if it's made the
national news it's in the Atlanta, Georgia area,
has decided that she'd walk in there and she is now offended because there's sticks with cotton on it
that I guess board how wives and Berkeley graduates sit around and use to make decorations
or whatever the hell they do with that stuff. But there's a stick with cottons on it,
and now she's very offended
she's been all over the local news uh it just it's it never stops and then the one other quick point
yeah you say that the people around the country the silent majority yeah and we're starting to lose ground i i agree with you on one one point about that but
then again it makes you think is it that we're losing ground or is it that we never get the
coverage that the idiots get all the time a combination of both a combination of both i
mean the demographics are changing i mean for every one white people aren't having babies anymore, and they haven't forever, and Latinos and whatever.
And that's fine.
All that's fine.
And you're right.
Coupled with the way that the mainstream media covers it.
Yeah.
They can't.
This is how I word it, Leonard.
They can't get the white guy, white guys who can't they can't
get us out of the way quick enough you know i mean we're still here and they just can't wait
it's they're in a real rush you know so but uh that's fine you can't you can't stop stuff like
that but we do need more uh you know uh more fair coverage as far as people with points of view like
you and i thanks for the call leonard i gotta take a break i'm up against a hard one here and uh again later on tonight folks uh very funny woman's
gonna be elisa trager she was on horace and pete with me she's a very funny uh comic we're gonna
have her in later uh so i i just wanted to get that back uh i just wanted to hit the talk about
that sign that kept me up. I'm laying there.
Right before I shut my eyes, I sent that tweet out.
But when we come back, I'm going to touch on the...
Boy, coffee's got me going crazy.
You can tell I'm talking way too fast.
We're going to hit on the Emmys.
I pulled a few clips.
And you might be surprised at my take.
There were no surprises at the show.
But I don't know.
I watched it online today.
Some of it.
I would never.
Again, I was there live with Chris Rock two years in a row.
That's before all this hypersensitivity took over, though.
So we'll talk about that.
I'd like some calls from you as to your opinion on how Colbert did, and that's about it.
866-969-1969.
Back after this.
That's about it.
866-969-1969.
Back after this.
You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show returns now.
I don't hate kids, though.
I just don't want to have, like, I'm actually a backup nanny.
I know, thank you.
It's kind of like if the nanny can't come to work,
I come to work.
It's pretty cool.
People are like, you're an American hero.
I'm like, come on, stop.
But I love it because kids are just like so easy to make happy.
You know, I always bring bubbles.
That's my thing.
And kids with bubbles are the best.
You know, they're just like jumping, twirling, shrieking.
Shrieking for bubbles. For me to be that happy like jumping, twirling, shrieking.
Shrieking for bubbles.
For me to be that happy, I'd have to be eating brie cheese,
watching the Mindy Project,
and getting furiously fingered.
You know, just
all at the same time.
They're just like, bubbles!
It's pretty cool.
But there's
downsides too. Like, the worst part about working with kids
is when they need help on their homework,
and I'm just like, oh, is that a decimal point?
Yeah, I can't help you.
Too much.
Where my sociology major's at?
Okay, a couple receptionists in the house.
Cool.
No, but this one time, I had to babysit a 12-year-old boy Okay, couple of receptionists in the house. Cool.
No, but this one time I had to babysit a 12 year old boy
and like obviously that's a problem.
Like what 12 year old needs childcare?
Like put a Celeste pizza in the microwave,
call it a day you idiot.
But I was there.
And so I like, so this kid opens the door, 12 years old, and he just went, you look like you're on a budget. And I was like so this kid opens the door 12 years old and he just went you look like you're on a budget
How did you know he's gonna steal all the gummy vitamins cuz I am I'm taking him off
American cheese slices. I'm taking them
You know play the B side to this jesus h christ how long was that clip it was it
felt long mother of christ that's a very funny lisa trager go see her will you uh september 26
through 30 at the just for laughs 42 in toronto and uh november 12th she'll be doing sex in the
city trivia night as part of the new y Comedy Festival. I can't wait. Lisa
and I actually met, we hadn't met before
Horace and Pete, had we?
No.
You know, if you guys are familiar with
Louis C.K.'s Horace and Pete,
we had a scene together
and I'm
a DA in some
Brooklyn office and
Lisa pulls up to me at the bar
and starts busting my chops.
And this is why I know you're a good actress.
You were making me angry.
Because you did that thing with your head
that black women do when they get mad,
that fucking, oh my God.
Yeah, it was the most,
it was the best thing of my life being there, for sure.
What, Horse and Pea?
Yeah. Wasn't it great hanging out with Stephen my life being there, for sure. What, Horse and Pea? Yeah.
Wasn't it great hanging out with Stephen Wright?
It's a career highlight.
And Alan Alda and Edie Falco and Buscemi, crazy.
He was so nice.
Because Jessica Lange, I looked at a distance.
But Steve Buscemi was all about chatting and hanging out.
Good guy.
Yeah, he was so cool.
Yeah, and Alan Alda celebrated his 78th guy. Yeah, he was so cool. Yeah.
And Alan Alda celebrated his 78th birthday.
Oh, yeah. Remember that?
We had a cake.
I mean, it was amazing.
I'm right next to him.
And it was some milk bar cake.
It was so good.
It was like, because for me, acting, it's milk bar.
It's like the best desserts in the city, I think.
Sorry.
I have a cramp right here.
You ever get dehydrated, get a cramp under your tongue
no i'm just i stay in my talk right now yeah um no because acting to me is embarrassing you know
it's like to be so sincere and put it all out there it's like so and then watching the best
of the best do it you're like i just remember feeling things that i couldn't believe well i
wouldn't say i'm the best of the best oh edie phil yeah no it was uh i i mentioned this earlier you know louis told me to go to his
house one day i thought i was getting fucked honestly when i was when he was like come to
my house i like was like i think i'm about to have sex with louis and then i showed up and edie
falco was there and all these people and i was like this is better for sure spoken like a true
feminist yeah yeah but i was uh yeah I was down for it for sure
Philip Seymour Hoffman
that was Thanksgiving by the way
no I'm kidding I went to Thanksgiving
at Louie's and Philip Seymour Hoffman was there
and Joan Rivers and a bunch of
and then like six months later I called Louie
I go was that turkey well cooked
through they were both dead
doing comedy I always thought
I would be able to meet Joan Rivers.
Like, yeah.
I wish I got to meet her.
Funny lady.
Yeah.
Met her a couple times.
She's just, yeah.
So good.
And then that doctor fucking butchered her.
Yeah.
Mama Luke.
Wait, what did I want to say about, I don't even remember.
You don't?
But the table reads good.
And he had such good sushi at the house, I remember, too.
Yes.
That's the other thing.
Rich people's sushi.
Louie had about $300 worth of food.
Yeah, it was so good.
It was just me and Mark Norman stuffing our faces and all the celebs not watching at all.
I stood in the kitchen, too.
Oh, my favorite story was the guy from Oz, one of my favorite shows.
Bubbles was on the show, on Horace and Pete, and he was saying that on Oz, if you showed up late,
your punishment was that they would write a rape scene in for you, which I thought was so funny.
Did you?
I did.
And then I...
I personally don't find anything funny about rape, Aliza.
When it's men getting raped, I'm okay with it.
Yes.
Yes.
If it's a rapist being raped in a men's prison, I'll get a chuckle out of that.
But otherwise, I stay away from that type of talk.
Did you love Oz? I really didn't. You didn't? I didn't chuckle out of that. But otherwise, I stay away from that type of talk. Did you love Oz?
I really didn't.
You didn't?
I didn't watch that much of Oz.
I watched it as a child.
I loved it.
Oh, my God.
I watched it in junior high.
Did you really?
You watched Oz and were your parents out working?
Sleeping, yeah.
Sleeping and working.
Hey, Lisa, we got to go to work.
Here's a snuff film for you.
Put this on.
Here's some 3D glasses.
No, they would take me to
we went to the movies
every Friday
to the cheap movie theater
and they took me to
fucked up movies
I saw Casino
I saw like all these movies
as a young kid
did you like the scene
yeah I remember
someone getting buried
and stuff
but then when we went
we were gonna see
Dead Man Walking
in the movie theater
people were like
you can't take her.
So I helped rip tickets.
So when I couldn't see a movie, I would sit with the dude and rip tickets as my parents went to the movies.
Dead Man Walking, I love, by the way.
I still haven't seen it.
Oh, my goodness.
I know, I should see it.
You haven't seen it either?
No, I haven't seen it either.
You want to see it?
It's Tim Robbins.
It is liberal horse shit and Susan Sarandon.
No, it's Sean Penn, I thought.
Sean Penn's in it too, yes.
Oh, okay.
But Tim Robbins, I think, actually did
the screenplay or whatever. Oh.
Tremendous. It's such a good,
you know, it's about the death penalty and how
people, it's
disturbing. Sean Penn is unbelievable.
Susan Sarandon, they're all great in it.
But, yeah, that's my
top. That's one of the issues I don't have
an opinion on. I see both sides. The death penalty?
Yeah, I'm like, do it, don't do it.
I'm like, I really...
I see both.
I see it all.
I'm actually against it.
You are.
Yeah, because it's too easy.
When somebody rapes somebody or murders somebody,
and you're going to put them to sleep,
you're doing them a favor.
Let them sit in that cell for 100 years and think about it,
and be raped.
Yeah.
To me, that's worse than...
Because I don't really believe in... I want you dead, warm food how about you your thoughts i have no idea i that's
one i can't even like when people start arguing i like i don't know but do you get what i'm saying
don't you think that would be worse being in a cage the rest of your life absolutely but i also
understand parents that have like yes murdered kids being like kill kill that person. Yes. I just see both sides for sure.
And I see people being falsely, you know, kill, like, you know,
falsely accused of something. One in every one, one in two now.
I don't know.
The numbers every year that changes.
I have no idea.
Here's how I look at that, too.
If one has to go, one innocent guy to get the rest of them right.
Nah, just hope you're not that fucking guy.
Anyways, 866-969-1960 are you ever scared of being falsely
accused of a crime i don't think set up never i keep my nose clean you never know i don't know
that's like a it's crazy oh set up yeah it happens all the time i hear these white cops they put bags
of drugs they do though yeah my friend a lot of fucking innocent cops pull a guy over for speeding, they get shot in the
face.
But we don't cover those ad nauseum on mainstream media, do we, Lisa?
Your thoughts?
My friend's a public defender in the city, and she said most cops are liars.
Yeah.
She's only met a couple good ones that they plan evidence all the time.
It's like what they do.
Yeah.
Well, she's a fucking lying whore.
No, she's not.
But yeah, she is.
She's full of shit.
I don't know why you wouldn't believe it, though.
Why would you believe it?
Because I know cops.
I know a lot of cops.
My friend got killed.
I bet you don't.
My friend got killed.
Yeah.
And because the cop didn't do his paperwork right, the guy got off because he didn't do
a paperwork right.
It happens all the time.
That's different than what we were just talking about.
I know.
I'm just saying, I don't think cops are that talented or good, and I think there's more
bad ones than good ones.
Yeah, which is a dumb statement.
Maybe.
Well, I go by numbers.
Cops have literally tens of millions of interactions
with civilians a year.
Tens of millions.
And just if you take the number of people
that are shot by cops,
even wrongly,
it's a one hundredth of a percent.
So you can't say that they're all bad,
or even most of them are bad.
If you want to go by facts, if you want to get emotional about it.
And anecdote 11 is from your friend, the public defender,
who probably had a guy fuck her over in a relationship.
Not at all.
All right.
I threw that in there.
I know that was unnecessary.
No, I mean, she goes to court every day of her life.
It's her job.
She interacts with cops every day.
Right.
So she probably has some bad interactions with cops, too.
Yeah.
So that might taint her.
But do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, but why is that not valid?
If you look at...
It's anecdotal.
You're giving me one person's opinion.
If you look at the numbers that I just cited,
because you're looking at the bigger picture
that you just said most cops are bad,
the numbers just don't play that out.
I would not like a crime to be committed to me
in this city, that's for sure. I don't trust the police in this city. Wow. I don't trust that out. I would not like a crime to be committed to me in this city. That's for sure.
I don't trust the police in this city.
Wow.
I don't trust them.
Really?
Yeah.
So tonight your house gets broken into.
Who are you calling?
Of course I'm going to call.
I mean, I actually had like an incident a few weeks ago.
Can you send somebody over that I trust, please?
No, my friend.
I had to like, it was like a pretty traumatic thing.
And my friend choked and I couldn't, I had to do the Heimlich.
And it was like, it was really awful. It was my best friend and yeah i like saw that she was gonna die in her eyes and plant
the food in her throat no but i saw the fucking emt went the wrong direction made a slow u-turn
i was just like if i if i didn't save her life that's because we lowered the standards out of
fairness maybe that's it when we hire certain they white, but sure. But for you to say that the most cops are bad, that's fucking outrageous.
Even for you.
No, because even.
Oh, come on.
Who has that joke where it's like if it was only one or two bad ones, we would all know
the bad one it was and be like, oh, it's that guy.
You know what I mean?
And we do.
Do we?
Seems like no cops really get in trouble for any of their shit.
Am I wrong?
Yeah.
Ask a guy. There was a guy, Diallo. Remember, remember, cop has wrong uh yeah ask a guy there was a guy diallo remember remember
cop has stuck a bunch of guys ass he a cop lost his patience for eight seconds and he's doing 35
years even as as heinous what he did to the guy but he lost his you know i'm saying so this i know
and and and here's the other thing the mainstream media doesn't cover doesn't cover
when cops do good things it's like they do i watch videos like that giving homeless people shoes i
see it i see it playing hopscotch with kids tv but i didn't want to say i used to volunteer at
like um for a police station that has sexual assault response team and i worked with great
police officers all right I didn't even hear
any of that, but sure.
No, I said I used to,
yeah, I've worked
with gray police officers
as well, but I don't know.
No, but the statement
that most of them are bad,
that's just fucking ludicrous.
I don't trust them.
I don't feel safe.
Really?
Yeah.
You think cops want to spend
their nights in bad neighborhoods
protecting people
that don't look like them?
I would hope so.
Yeah.
Well, they do. And they get no respect for it. Do they? Really? and people that don't look like them? I would hope so. Yeah.
Well, they do.
And they get no respect for it, do they?
Really?
I think they get tons of respect.
Yeah.
I think the disrespect they're getting is fair.
Again, you're talking about what?
Local couple incidents in New York City?
I don't think.
People are dying. I just don't understand why.
No, you don't.
You never will.
If you're a professional,
you should be able to handle your shit better.
So if you're losing your temper, it's like if you're a boxer or something and you
hit someone like you're charged more because you have a cop is in a dark alley has a split second
to make a fucking decision but these aren't dark alleys these are these are like traffic okay but
you're picking again you're picking four out of the, like I said, the millions of. It's not four. Okay.
Let's say it's a thousand a year.
Out of all the interactions cops have with civilians, it's still a minute fraction.
And you're accusing them of fucking, you said they were all bad.
So you're off.
Because they protect each other too.
They protect the bad ones.
What are you talking about?
Again, you're talking about.
None of those videos upset you, though?
Like, none of the videos of people getting shot, like, random...
First of all...
They don't get you upset?
Why do you say that?
But why do you...
You say they don't upset you?
No, I'm wondering.
Do they upset you?
Of course they do.
Nobody wants to see anybody die.
Do you get upset when...
Did you get upset when the fucking seven cops...
How many cops in Dallas that night got shot from the fucking rooftop?
I bet you were cheering it on. I't black lives matter and shit did that bother
you at all i bet you didn't talk about that on any shows i don't talk about anything like this
i don't i talk about myself all right let's i want to talk about you
you just told me off the air that yeah that will change the subject from from dirty cops to dirty girls. Lisa fell in love with a woman.
Where were you?
We met.
Well, I met her once before randomly, but we met in Australia in Melbourne.
I've been arrested multiple times, and I was arrested very nicely.
I'll be honest.
I've been to jail three times.
For what?
It was all before I was 21.
I bet you threw a bottle at a cop's head or something because he was doing his job.
But I definitely shoved an officer and said mean ass shit.
And I just wonder if I was a different color if I'd be dead.
It's not something that doesn't cross my mind.
Oh, you are a fucking ass.
That I shoved an officer.
That I shoved an officer.
And you would get shot for it if you were black.
Get the fuck out of here.
They handcuffed me and I went limp and they had to drag me.
I've just done crazy shit to cops.
I've done crazy shit to cops. I've done crazy shit to cops.
I've gotten kicked out of professional sporting events constantly.
Like when I was younger.
For what?
Being a drunk crazy whore.
Like, yeah, that's it.
Being a drunk, like taking my clothes off at a White Sox game.
You did not.
I did.
You took your clothes off at a White Sox.
I did.
I got arrested.
I got kicked out of an Iowa State football game, too.
Let's go to the videotape.
You got kicked out of a football game?
At Iowa State.
I was a freshman year of college.
No, I went.
I got so drunk, I started saying I love cocaine, never done cocaine, and took off my skirt.
And I got detained in their stadium.
I drank, drove.
Are you guys listening to this?
Now, are you listening listening i'm thankful for those
cops i don't know i just those videos upset me all right no it's making more sense your
previous statements after hearing you filling the background of your baby let's go no i fell in love
let's do that she fell in love with a woman uh and i said just so you're gay and she said no i
don't think so i I mean, Jesus.
I just like- When are you going to decide?
I'll give you about 24 hours.
But she's fucked tons of boys too and dated boys too.
I just didn't even think about it.
We were at an art museum and I looked over and it was like the fourth time we hung out
and I was like, I'm in love with her.
And this is in Melbourne?
Yeah.
This happened in Melbourne?
Yeah.
Does she have that accent?
No, she's from Canada and lives in London for the past eight years.
So she was also doing the festival.
So she's a mess.
Okay.
Yeah, she's a teen delinquent.
How long you been going out?
Since like April.
So not long.
And we've only seen each other four times.
And she just-
And we talk every day.
She was here and just left, you said?
Yesterday.
I've been really sad.
And she's in-
So I'm happy I got to come here.
Or London?
London.
Back in London. And she's really busy. So I don't know. We were supposed to- Back in Canada? Back in Canada or London? London. Back in London.
And she's really busy, so I don't know.
We were supposed to see each other in October, but it's not going to work out.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, she's doing really good.
She has a pilot in London.
So you've got a project going.
Yeah.
So we're both busy.
We're both-
Yeah.
It's good, but-
Is this your first time?
No.
No. I always say always say like I've done
Molly you know I've been there
no I've had like a foursome and there was
another woman and then when I was like 20 I hooked up with a woman
in Portland but
I've just always dated dudes
this is just this first time a
relationship yes this is the most I've
ever been like I want to be with her for sure
I love her so much well let's see if we can make that happen
we'll open the line.
But I never expected any of this to happen, but she's so cool and great.
I like her a lot.
Have you hooked up with a man before?
Have I?
Yeah.
How do you think I get this gig?
Yeah.
Talent?
I'm so scared of the calls.
I'm just so scared of your viewers.
Let's go to Jim in Chicago.
Jim wants to say hi to Lisa. Oh, no, Jim, I'm scared.
Jimmy Boy, say hi to the cop hating Lisa Traeger.
So the problem I have with typical comments such as all cops or most cops are untrustworthy
and most cops are bad is those are blanket statements with no evidence to back up those statements because you had a few bad incidents in the past.
I just said over.
Because you made a...
No, I had a great incident. I think the cops arrested me beautifully. I'm very lucky.
So where do you come off with making this blanket statement that most cops are bad?
Where do you get your, you know, other than the mainstream media, where's your evidence lying?
I think it's mostly the videos I see and then my friends who have experienced, like, awful racist shit.
All right, that's six people.
Yeah, okay.
That's six people.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, but the problem is that the media portrayal of those particular incidents is a small snippet of what actually took place. particularly as you mentioned the Michael Brown incident doesn't get reported such as the mass looting
and the
Yes but why are you I just don't like the making
excuses for people to be dead
like it's weird I just feel
some of the shootings I've seen of different
cops in different situations
the one that just came out of like some girl getting fingered
by an officer getting off it's like
it's really It's scary.
Would you feel better if the guy was driving an ice cream truck?
No, I just...
Thank you for the call, Jimmy.
It's the excuses and the reasons of finding reasons of why these people deserve to die when they don't.
And if they don't...
I think it's scary.
Some of them do.
Some of them have a gun and they don't get it out in time.
And they're in the dark and they're selling drugs.
And again, we don't want to see anybody die innocently.
No, but you're not giving enough credence to what the cops go through in these situations.
And like he said, the mainstream media cherry-picked these stories.
But they're still happening.
You can't deny that they don't happen.
But not even, like I said, a drop in the ocean.
But it is.
It's like where Chris Rock said this.
It's a drop in the...
Oh, Chris Rock said it.
All right.
I fought with...
But one of the things that he said where it's like, black people have been saying this forever
and we didn't listen until the videos.
I mean, I know people that are scared for their lives every day and I don't think it's
invalid.
I know...
I have tons of black friends who get pulled over all the time
when i lived in skokie there was like all these rich houses right and i would love to get stoned
and we would drive and just look at these beautiful houses never got pulled over when i would go with
my black friend we got pulled over every single time it's a real thing okay all right i drive
into the city every day okay how about How about the... How about the...
And it's nine out of ten black people that blow by me, and then Nissan's doing 110, chasing
each other, and they never get pulled over.
That's all I witness.
I'm not making it up.
I fucking look.
It's a kid with a fucking Yankees hat, diamond earrings, and a Nissan doing 150.
Yeah, he should get pulled over.
He should get a ticket or arrested.
And they never do.
But he shouldn't have to.
A cop shouldn't approach the car with guns drawn.
We're not talking about that. Well, it depends what the
situation is. You can't make a blanket statement. No, let's say someone's driving
110. Okay, but like a gun
can't be drawn for that.
Okay, but how many
times do you think a cop
draws his gun in that situation?
You're acting like it's 10 out of 10 times.
I don't think it's 10 out of 10. I don't think you know that.
I mean, whatever.
But it happens enough that
I'm not saying there aren't bad ones.
there's fear for people that
could have them.
Yes, because the media plays out
like it happens every day.
Of course they do, Lisa.
No.
Yes, they cherry pick their stories.
Mm-mm.
I'm telling you.
God damn it.
No.
All right, let's go back to fucking,
let's play the horse and Pete scene.
Are we playing it?
Oh, no.
We should talk about something else.
Do another fun topic.
Okay.
Let's do another one.
What do your girls' tits taste like?
Yeah, great.
You got more tattoos on you Since I saw you last time
Yeah I've been making some money
How about Rachel Maddow
How do you
I don't watch
She's a Jerry Sandowski
Wet dream isn't she
And Hannity versus Maddow
Polar opposites will go ahead
Are they debating
No they're not
They
Hannity's show
I guess
It was at 10
Going back to original slot
9 o'clock
And Rachel
They'll be going head toto-head in the ratings.
I thought they should get together and do a show together.
Like, Hannity used to have this guy, Alan Combs, who passed away.
He was a liberal.
And it made for interesting.
So I think Rachel and Hannity, two polar opposites, would be a great show.
Let's see if somebody hears this and does that.
So it's just a ratings announcement.
Or, like, they're going to be Or like they're going to be competing.
They're going to be competing. Rachel Maddow's
done very well since Trump,
you know, since the guy you voted for
is in office. I thought he's always done
well. I thought she's always done well.
Rachel? No, she was, Bill O'Reilly was crushing
her. Anybody at Fox.
Wasn't Bill O'Reilly like the number one news
program? Yeah, for a long time.
Because people like her couldn't keep up.
That's how you get to be number one.
But I'm saying they should do a show together.
All right.
And you and I could watch it, and your girlfriend.
Yeah.
You know?
It'll be terrific.
She's so cool.
We'll call the cops if you get mouthy.
I love that you pushed cops, shoved the cop in shit.
I bet you you're-
I was a lunatic.
I was an angry, and then I found stand-up at 21 and became a lot chiller, for sure.
Is that right?
I think so.
It showed you the stand-up?
I think so.
It did the opposite to me.
Really?
I was a mellow guy.
I got on stage.
Never.
No.
You were yelling at other people, probably.
No, I wasn't.
No, my act was so different the first 10, 12 years.
Really?
Oh, please.
It was no emotion.
It was nothing.
It was, you know, TV clean shit that...
You weren't here being yourself?
I wasn't being myself.
You've got to be yourself.
No matter how upsetting it is.
You're passive aggressive.
You weren't being yourself?
No, I believe in it.
All right, I've got to plug you before.
Are we getting close?
No, my least favorite thing is when people tell me to be less dirty and do this,
and you have to talk about that, and why are you talking about this?
And it's like, go fuck all of you.
And I've seen you stand up.
I get to talk about whatever I want.
That's right.
And you're interesting, for Christ's sake.
A Soviet?
Yeah, let me talk about what I want.
Came to the Soviet Union.
Constantly, though.
You play football on a boys' team.
Constantly being talked about.
You're bisexual.
You have plenty to talk about. Seriously. You have plenty to talk about.
Seriously, you have plenty to talk about.
Yeah.
Go see her talk about it, by the way, next week at the Just for Laughs 42 in Toronto,
September 26th through the 30th.
And November 12th, she'll be doing Sex in the City Trivia Night as part of the New York
Comedy Festival.
Where are you doing that?
At Littlefield.
I'm so excited.
What we're going to do, obviously.
Hurry up.
I'm writing the questions, but also we're going to play I'm going to do, obviously, I'm writing the questions,
but also we're going to play episodes
and have comics on the mic
making fun of the show.
All right,
hit her up on Twitter and Instagram.
You should come.
At Glitter Cheese.
And go see me,
the 29th,
at Ridgefield Playhouse,
Ridgefield,
Connecticut,
October 6th and 7th,
Levity Live,
West Nyack.
October 21st,
Bistro B at the Westport Inn,
Westport,
Connecticut.
Tomorrow night,
we have the great Mark Bavaro here.
Liza.
Liza, not Liza.
Thank you so much, honey.
Seriously.
It's done?
That's it.
Oh, that went by fast.
We'll talk to you guys tomorrow night.