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You're listening to Nick DiPaolo on the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com.
Oh, yeah.
Guess what day it is.
How about a Monday?
It's a fucking Monday.
Not that this is like heavy lifting,
coal mining, but only I could whine about a job that I enjoy.
Again with my reading glasses.
Look at them. It's like they pull Again with my reading glasses. Look at them.
It's like they pulled them out of...
Right?
Look at that.
It's like you found them in a toilet at the Madison Square Garden.
They couldn't be dirtier.
How you doing, kids?
866-969-1969.
866-969-1969 is the phone number.
Tomorrow night, the giant Jew, Judy Gohl, will be in house.
I call her, Gronk.
6'4", about 245.
Great hands.
Not much of a blocker.
I wouldn't run around there.
We got her.
Judy, yeah.
And Wednesday?
Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon, who's sharp as a tack.
That guy used to drive a cab.
He's into politics now. And Fallon, who's sharp as a tack. That guy used to drive a cab. He's into politics now.
And very funny, very sharp.
Always a great guest.
Knows 12 times more about the news than I will.
You're like, well, that's not setting the bar very high.
Well, fuck you.
So, real quickly, let's get the business out the way.
Notice I said out the way like black folk do.
Allergic to the word of.
Hold on.
I can't find the...
For the love of fuck me, man.
I just had this all organized.
This is why I'm doing radio at age 97.
Cocaine.
Cocaine.
We got good stuff here.
Class A chill.
Thank you to Robert Shluida and Dennis Paul, regular contributors to the Nick DiPaolo podcast.
If you want to do that, you can subscribe.
You go to connectpal.com slash Nick.
Connectpal.com slash Nick.
$3.99 a month.
You get five shows a week. You get a free one on Mondays on iTunes. Riotcast.com slash nick 399 a month you get five shows a week you get a free one on
mondays on itunes riotcast.com stitcher all those uh all those places that i've never ventured into
and uh we take my buddy brendan here boils down uh two hours to an hour if you don't have serious
radio again i don't know why you don't Maybe you're homeless or you fucking have infected ears. I don't know. But connectpal.com slash Nick, $3.99 a month.
And these guys contribute money on top of it because I need it.
Some guy was complaining about that like six months ago.
I can't believe he's doing the contribution.
Shut your fucking mouth.
Have you ever been married to somebody who enjoys Tom McCann shoes?
Come on.
I'm looking at Fiore.
He's got his ACDC.
What is it about guys from Jersey that can't get out of high school?
Fucking you, Florentine, fucking Van Halen t-shirts.
I'm kidding.
It's one of my favorite bands.
He got all cunty look on his face.
Relax.
That's Matt Hooper over there.
It's a nice t-shirt,
by the way.
I have to admit,
I would,
Thank you.
Huh?
You should put a nice blazer over it.
And you can look like a fucking,
Oh,
I'm not wearing a blazer.
And you can look like an MC
at a comedy club in Denver.
Um,
you're not one of those guys,
is that what you said?
You're not a trailblazer?
Thank you guys for coming out
to Bobby V's
In Windsor Locks this weekend
Sold out
I say that like it's a Madison Square Garden
You know a couple hundred people
I was sitting back in the OTB room
That's how you know it's a good
Literally watching people in their 70's
Screaming at TV's
With guys on chariots and shit
It was making me so sad, I almost cried.
There's people in there, fucking, they have to be 75 with their wives,
members only jacket on, their dirty running shoes on a Saturday night,
screaming at the TV.
And I said this on stage, when you gamble, you go to a casino,
whether you're betting on horses, pony, whatever, OTB,
it takes some luck, does it not?
Right? It's not all fucking skill. I hate these people that play poker think it's like, you know, learning how to hit a baseball. A lot of luck involved. So what
makes you think you're lucky? You're sitting there, you're 73, you got shit on your Nikes,
it's an oxygen tank next to your wife who looks like a tick, you're wearing a members
only jacket, it's 2018. What makes you think that horse is gonna come in apparently you have no luck that's how i see it
and i'm not you know what but then another problem he goes god bless him they haven't it's saturday
night they're actually having a good time until this guy backhanded his wife she picked the wrong
she said ice cream in the fifth she said frank said pick ice cream in the fifth but um but you know what they're actually having a good time but but but then there's guys
screaming at the television that are by themselves these are the same guys on their cell phones at
the airport drawing attention to themselves like it's a microphone you know the guys pacing back
and forth pretending he's important talking so so everybody can hear him. There's a couple of guys,
again, a guy by himself screaming at the TV
so everybody's looking at him.
That's why he's at an OTB on a Saturday night
with no friends,
screaming at a fucking guy in a chariot.
What do you call those?
You know the little chariots behind the... Brendan, those.
Silky's. What are they? Silky Racing.
Silky? Harness Racing.
Oh, Harness! Harness Racingin they call them Silky's back home
See and that's he's Kentucky
They know their stuff
Brendan's very valuable to the show
You and I would have been
Dog sleds? What do you call them?
It looks like a
When I watch that shit I belly laugh
Because it looks like they're doing a
Sequel to Ben-Hur
Just a cheesy sequel This guy's screaming When I watch that shit, I belly laugh because it looks like they're doing a sequel to Ben-Hur.
Just a cheesy sequel.
This guy's screaming up, going,
Get out, Seven!
You know, and his fucking ass is hanging out.
Not even that old, like in his 40s.
Balding.
Nobody loves him.
Makes me sad, those places.
Yet, again, I saw this older couple having a good time.
They were drinking.
Right?
Could stay home and watch Big Bang Theory, I guess.
My mom told me she liked that show.
She's at the hospital right now having a Timberland shoe tip removed from her back.
By the way, I lost a friend who committed suicide. A kid I went to high school with.
Kind of sad
My age, obviously, and he ain't younger than me
Hung himself in his fucking bedroom
Condo or whatever
And left that fucking note
Saying I love you all
And sorry I did this
But I couldn't get that 1-877-KARK
So the kids jingle out of my head.
I want all of you to enjoy your cake.
Oh, I will.
So, enjoy.
My cake, I hope you mean pussy.
K-A-R-S, Cards for Kids.
Why would you do that to us? K-A-R-S, Cards for Kids.
Donate your card today.
I bet you half those kids are in rehab.
They shot that like seven years ago.
Even my wife watches it.
That kid's gay.
I go, so what?
He's enjoying himself playing a fake guitar. Get off back why are you gonna be like that you know oh 1-800
okay that's stuck in my head now you just did it you just you just it's not quite as catchy as this though I like to see the kids at the Shriners Center singing
Hey I'm Alex
That's the catchiest
What is it what do they call it in music a catchy
Earworm
What is it
Like an earworm
It gets in your head
Stuck
Now you're going way
No not an earworm
That's the
An actual musical term.
It's the hook of the song.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, the hook.
Don't ask me about hip-hop.
You play guitar?
Andy?
Yeah.
Not great.
No, but you could fucking show me.
Yeah, yeah, I could show you.
866-969-1969.
I'm doing the opposite of what you're supposed to do on shows like this.
You're supposed to come out with an eight-minute searing monologue so the phones light up.
But you know what?
It's my fucking show.
I'm not making dentist money here.
Give me a fucking break.
All right?
Andy?
Yes.
I got a solid body, I told you.
It was a gift when I wrote for the Oscars.
It was in the gift basket.
What's the big? Gibson? Gibson, solid body. It was in the gift basket. What's the big, what's the-
Gibson.
Gibson, solid body.
It's like cherry red.
It's a $5,500 electric at that.
Do you know, it's getting a little rusty
because I haven't touched it in a few years.
Seriously, you know somebody could clean it up?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Anyhow, any he.
Here you go, folks. Buck folks buckle up are you listening you're listening you
i'm gonna read the tour dates the uh nick is right tour has been announced officially
i'm gonna read all the dates but from here on in i'll read like uh half at a time but this
because there's 16 dates this is is going to be a little overwhelming.
But March 16th, Clayton Opera House, Clayton, New York.
March 17th, Wood Theater, Glen Falls, New York.
March 23rd, Palma Opera House, Cuba, New York.
March 24th, Cohoes Music Hall, Cohoes, New York.
March 30th, Regent Theater, Arlington, Mass.
March 31, Tarrytown Music Hall, Tarrytown, New York.
Maybe my favorite venue.
April 6th, Red Hook Brewery, Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
April 7th, The Badawan, Poughkeepsie, New York.
April 13th, The Paramount Theater, Rutland, Vermont.
April 14th, Barrington Stage Company, Pittsfield, Mass.
April 20th, Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, Vermont, April 14th, Barrington Stage Company, Pittsfield, Mass. April 20th, Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York.
April 21, Steel Stacks, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
April 27th, Majestic Theater, Majestic Theater, Pottsville, Pennsylvania.
March, I mean, excuse me, did I say March?
April, that's April 28th.
April 28th, the Kirby Center, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
May 4th, Jonathan's Restaurant, Agunquit, Maine, which is a theater, by the way.
And May 5th, Schubert Theater, New Haven, Connecticut.
And I don't want to hear, what the fuck?
You're not coming to Columbus, Ohio?
I already prefaced this.
We'll get there.
This is the first leg of the tour.
Just get out of the car.
That's Dave Attell in a Louis movie.
Louis made a movie.
Anyways, so that's, I'll give you, again, so that's all 16 dates.
It starts in the middle of March, ends in the first weekend in May.
And Andy Fiore will be opening for me.
If you notice, I didn't mention one
comedy club. You understand? I don't care
if this... Some of these places will fill.
Some of them might not, but we don't know.
You know?
I'm going to get up and do the morning zoo
for Cuba, New York, but I'll do what I have to do.
So there it is.
And I think Brendan put it up on the site.
And it's probably on my Facebook and all that. So there it is And I think Brendan put it up on the site And it's probably on my Facebook and all that
So there it is
Keeping Fiore employed comedy wise
For the next like many weekends
Yes
But even before that I'll be at Governor's
On February 23rd and 24th
Sorry Fox I'm trying to get it out of the way
Trying to make a fucking dime why am I apologizing
March 3rd Uncle Vinny's Point Pleasant
March 9th and 10th Side Split is Tampa And you already heard about March 16th I'm trying to make a fucking dime. Why am I apologizing? March 3rd, Uncle Vinny's, Point Pleasant.
March 9th and 10th, Sidesplitters, Tampa.
And you already heard about March 16th.
Go to nickdip.com for full tour dates and ticket info.
nickdip.com And hit me up on Twitter where I'm being,
I've been at the same number of followers for,
I'd say, two months now.
So don't tell me somebody's not fucking with me.
I admit I haven't posted
anything on there.
But I'm just saying.
That's my favorite hook of all time.
That is the catchiest hook.
I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm not being racist.
That is the catchiest.
The guy in the background.
Sounds like, oh boy, we got to get your black icing up here.
Boy, do it.
Boy, them hip hops, Leighton.
Please come to Denver.
All right, Tyron in Miami don't like the way I be talking about the brothers.
Tyron, what's your beef exactly, fella?
Yo, man.
Yo, dawg, let me ask you a question, dawg.
Why you always be talking shit about my people, dawg?
I don't like that shit, man.
Y'all racist.
You sound very white.
You're not fooling anybody, Tyron.
I ain't fooling you, man. I ain't fooling you, man.
You ain't fooling me, man.
Say, fuck this shit.
I'm trying to make my people seem violent.
I'll beat your ass for that, man.
I know.
I'm including you, Tyrone.
I'm trying to be inclusive.
I talk about all people.
And you're people at the tip of my tongue because you make a lot of noise for 12%.
Nah, man.
Nah, you like Trump, man.
I like Trump.
Yeah, who you like?
Obama, man.
Yeah, Obama.
He did a bang-up job, that Marxist Muslim fuckstain.
Man, he's still running and shit, man.
Yes, he is.
That's true, Tyrone.
You're on to something.
He is.
He's one of the 12 gay.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Yo, yo, yo, white women love to fuck us.
That's all the problem right there.
It all starts right there, dog.
The white woman I know won't even talk to you,
but I'm sure there's a few pigs that will go after you.
Probably they'll look like Eliza Trager.
If I look at your history, it's going to be BBC, BBC, BBC, dog.
All right, Tyron, I gave you
your voice. Thank you for the call.
See that? How was
I? Did I let him have his say?
Absolutely. Did I let him have his say?
I'm inclusive,
okay?
As Nicholson
said in the part of the black chappies,
that's the problem. They think they have to have it handed to them.
The black chappies.
Keith in Long Island wants to say hey to me.
Hey, Keith.
Hey, what's happening?
Oh, now we hang up.
That'll be perfect.
What's up, Keith?
I don't know how to follow that,
but you know what, everyone,
a lot of people on the left say that you're racist.
You know what, I never heard the N-word come out of your mouth ever.
No.
Again, you haven't been in my car with me or watching an NBA All-Star game.
But, no.
No, no, and you, you know, it's just a ridiculousness and stuff like, you know, what.
No, you're right.
I thought he was actually Hispanic then.
Yeah, he was.
I think you're right. But, yeah, no, you're right. I thought he was actually Hispanic. Yeah, he was. I think you're right.
But yeah, no, you're so right.
I mean, it's just what used to be race.
You'd have to drag a black guy behind your truck to be called a racist.
Now, if you disagree with the black person about whatever, or if you're appropriating, you're called.
The scope of the word
racist has become so
huge over the years
and the Democrats have capitalized
on it. They've done well politically
because there's so many white jerk-offs
white liberal jerk-offs
who actually believe that
you know?
You're right, Keith. I don't care
for the fucking word.
To the kids in school, not just colleges, but, you know,
like young kids in elementary schools and stuff like that.
Yeah.
I use it with my buddies like everybody else does.
Yo, what's up, man?
You know, whatever.
You know, kidding around, but I never maliciously.
But if I got in an argument with a black guy,
I'm going to say the fucking worst thing I can say to him,
and he's going to say the worst thing to me.
That's how nature works.
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
Look, even my ancestors,
when they came over on the boat, it was well
after the Civil War. We were always
hard-working people. We never had servants,
and I never
heard anything like that come out of my,
you know, my family's mouth at all,
and yet, I'm
being persecuted because I'm white.
No, you're not being persecuted.
You got the world handed to you, Keith.
Come on, you have white privilege.
No, no, no, that's not true.
No, who's persecuting you, Keith?
Life is good.
You're a white fellow on Long Island.
Come on.
No, yeah, well, Long Island,
you know, I'm a single guy,
and, you know, it's rough out here.
Well, get a black doll and hammer it.
It's hard to live out here in terms of the affordability and stuff like that.
It's really expensive.
Yeah, well, then fucking move!
No, I won't.
Well, of course, I won't do it.
You think, you know, I'm looking into that still, you know.
But no, you know, it's what I'm saying, though.
In general, why are we being persecuted for something that we didn't do?
You know, this this shit happened well in the past.
And, you know, I just told you why white people, white liberal people have to be loved.
And the way they make people love them is to go, look, I'm not racist.
That's how they make themselves that would but
that's why this you couldn't people are laughing right now you know women and and and minorities
are laughing going oh the white guy's being persecuted craig greg fitzsimmons is laughing
but i never stated i never accused i never said that i was being persecuted by anyone. But I get your point.
And, you know, none of this atmosphere, this PC atmosphere, this anti-white self-hatred could exist without white liberals.
They're the ones who have to die.
And I'd be glad to help some black people choke these white liberals to death.
I know.
You know, it's funny. I remember a few months ago, there was an old guy who was a black guy, too, that called in and said that he was sick and tired of hearing these white liberals persecuting, calling white guys racist because it made him feel like he was being treated like a child.
Right.
Like, he was being treated like a child, you know?
Right.
And I see that a lot, too.
And it's like, why doesn't, you know, mainstream media and stuff, like, you know, get their act together and, you know... Because...
You know what I'm saying?
No, Keith, Keith, but you're not listening to me.
Who do you think runs the mainstream media?
The liberals.
White, it's exactly white liberals.
They're fucking...
It is a...
I used to laugh.
I thought I was going a little far saying liberalism is a mental illness but it's turned into and you can't you can't fucking
you know people today a couple of my friends sent me like three people sent me this story about peter
rabbit where the fuck is it how does shit disappear when the show's done uh the peter
rabbit movie and and i said hey dude don fucking, don't whine to me.
They always said it saying,
this country's over,
which I've been saying
since my freshman year in college
that we're finished as a nation.
But I say, don't,
I said, that's not coming from my side of the aisle.
I don't turn everything political,
but that fucking,
that type of insane thinking
where people are outraged by such nonsense,
that doesn't come from the right.
Never did.
No, no, absolutely not.
And the left can't let, you know, let just people in general live their life, basically.
Right.
Just a normal life.
All right, Keith, I've given you 10 minutes, so.
All right, thanks, dude.
Hey, buddy, thank you for calling.
Call back.
I will.
Thanks.
You know what I'm saying?
The stories that you and I are like, oh, for Christ's sake, really?
We are finished, isn't it?
That shit that we all look at that's totally insane, that doesn't come from...
Sorry, it doesn't come from people who work hard
and raise their kids and like this country.
White liberals.
Anything worse?
I like that.
I never...
Why don't you bring me to Brooklyn?
I don't even know where they're named.
Bring me to the most hipster Brooklyn.
I want to go over there with a can of Kingsford fluid,
lighter fluid,
and just squirt it on their beards
and set them blaze like 10
and a half.
What are you saying?
Don in Chicago wants to comment on harness racing that I mentioned out of the corner
of my mouth.
Hi, Don.
Hi, how are you?
Good. I just wanted to correct that the harness racers, the carts are called Sulkys.
Sulkys is the uniforms that the jackets wear.
Well, in Kentucky, that's what they call that actual race, too.
Which? What do they call it?
They call it Sulkys.
That was told to me from my producer who's from Kentucky.
Right, right. Sulkys, not Sulkys. You're correct. No it Salkies. That was told to me from my producer who's from Kentucky. Right, right. Salkies,
not Salkies. You're correct. No, Salkies.
Yeah.
Like the award in hockey.
You win a Frank Salky one.
Yep, yep.
Alright.
Thanks, Don.
I said Salkies.
I did. I think he was right, actually.
Jose in California would like to rebut uh
tyrone who was a fake black guy that called in early in my opinion go ahead jose
how you doing mister my amigo the follow and we being
okay so i was laughing my ass off i almost crashed because i heard tyrone when he said
my people, okay?
What do you mean your people?
Your unemployed people or your hard-working, hard people?
Okay, I hope he's fucking listening, okay?
Of course he's listening.
Everybody's listening.
The show is number one with a bullet.
Yeah, and Obama put a freaking $10 trillion in the hole.
And, you know, if he's not working, if he was getting a welfare check,
I'm sure he's not paying taxes like we are. Yeah, no, he's not working if he was getting a welfare check i'm sure he's not
paying taxes like we are yeah no he's behind the scenes that that tyrone had right though he's
pulling the strings along with george soros and i really believe there's uh there's uh 12 people
that run the world and uh i'd say a quarter of them are gay that's why the gay agenda is being
jammed down our throats wherever you look. And Nick, how can you say that?
Well, just put on again the Food Network or anything, any commercial.
I was watching a show.
Jose, thank you for the call.
I was watching a show.
You got it, buddy.
I was watching a show.
One of those, you know, husband and wife, they flip houses or rebuild,
whatever the fuck they do.
Okay, and the wife is kind of a hot, she's
Korean-American, and the
guys get the flannel shirt and the
band shirt, but he sounds fruity, fruit,
fruit.
And I said to my sisters, he's not
fucking, guy is not fucking straight.
And there's
a lot of that with a fucking straight husband.
And, you know, oh yeah, my sister goes listening real hard.
Yeah, you might have a point.
I do.
It's somebody's agenda.
There's a lot of that in the commercials.
The husband's supposed to be straight.
But he's got jizz all over his fucking pleated khakis.
Oh, Nick, why do you get to talk like that?
Well, it's early in the show.
I'm just trying to kill time.
Got a lot of calls already.
We just opened up and the goddamn thing's solid yellow.
Are you hearing that, SiriusXM?
Are you hearing it?
Anybody paying attention?
How am I doing?
Go ahead. Are you Ed Koch?
You don't have to whisper it.
Ed Koch. I wasn't confident.
That's right. That was a good line.
Nobody's going to get it outside of Manhattan,
but that's a good line. How am I doing?
Koch said that when he's running. Now it's
a bumper sticker on the back of a bus or
any heavy truck.
How am I doing?
1-800.
Well, there's a...
I saw a sticker today.
It said, how am I driving?
There was like blood on it.
Some lady's wig was stuck to the...
Pretty good, I guess.
Anyways.
I did...
I finally broke down and, you know, beachbody.com.
That's part of, you know, P90X90X is the people who brought you all that shit
Sean T and all that stuff
Well you know I signed up years ago and they give you
Like a free gift like a couple free
Workouts and I've been using those for the last
Like eight years instead of
Buying the actual membership but I broke
Down and
Bought it and you know what?
I've done five different.
Today I did three different.
Fuck, my knees.
I was crawling up the stairs here at Ceres.
It's bone on bone, man.
It's like Democrat, Republic.
No buffer.
But three different 30-minute workouts today.
Jumping around.
Nice tablespoon of Metamucil last night.
Fucking feel like Sandy Duncan in her prime.
No idea what that means.
People at home are going,
what the fuck?
Anyways, when we come back, folks,
here's the choices you got.
We got the new Peter Rabbit movie, the people who made it being called out for bullying, making light of, you know, food allergies.
Okay.
We got that hateful Keith Ellison, you know him, the rep from Minnesota, the Democrat who took oath when he became a congressman with his
hand on a koran that's all i need to know about him how much he loves this country um i got that
apparently he met with farrakhan in 2013 and an iranian president so he's a piece of anti he's
an anti-american garbage can is what he is and uh Donald Trump Jr.'s wife hospitalized after opening an envelope with white powder.
Took me like, she just got it today.
Must have put that in the mail last Thursday.
I mean, Jesus H. Christ, I'm kidding.
And how about this?
Will the New York Fire Department bypass the best firefighters to meet its diversity goals?
Gee, what do you think in 2018?
bypass the best firefighters to meet its diversity goals.
Gee, what do you think in 2018?
And I actually pulled up an article of the Supreme Court finds bias against white firefighters nine years ago in New Haven, Connecticut.
So those are your choices.
And we'll talk about whatever you'd like to.
866-969-1969.
Back after this.
You're listening to The Nick DiPaolo Show
on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103. I'm sorry. I've just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the dream we were trained
Try to take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
Ooh, dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh, dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light
Fly me high through the starry skies
Baby to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fate
The Nick DiPaolo Show returns now.
Help me to forget today's. Help me forget today's pain.
Yeah, gendalone.
I love this 70s shit.
Let's go to Lisa in California.
She says, why does Nick sound so racist when talking about black people?
Probably because you live in California surrounded by fucking idiots.
Go ahead, Lisa.
Yeah, I don't understand, you know,
why you sound so
racist when you
talk about black people like you,
like brother and all that. Like, that's
not cool to talk about black people
like that. Italians
tend to be very racist
against people of color. I don't understand why you guys
are like that. Why are you paying with a broad brush?
So all Italians, you've met all Italians, Lisa?
Oh, yeah.
Look it.
Oh, you have?
You've met all Italians?
You just said yes to a question that I was totally...
You.
You.
I've met a lot, okay, because I've traveled to Italy multiple times.
Oh, then you've met all.
I went to Africa once.
I met three black guys.
Very racist.
But I'm just telling you, like, I noticed when I went to Italy, look it, I am German and black.
A lot of people think I'm actually Hispanic.
But I went to Italy, and even the Italians out here, you know, I've been called all kinds of horrible racist names from them.
And then, you know, I turn you on and you're funny.
I'm not going to lie.
But then when you talk about black people, I can just tell like you're irritated by them for some reason.
Well, I think you're reading into it.
I'm just being anytime a white guy is honest when talking about black people, he's labeled a
racist, Lisa. That's just the world we live in. But, you know, you don't know me. You can't make
calls like, who are you to decide who's racist and who's not racist? I can tell. I can tell by
your inflection. I can. And another thing that's interesting is because I can tell that you're
very political. I myself am not liberal. I can tell that you're very political.
I myself am not liberal. I totally understand where you're coming from.
I get, you know, the anger I can tell in your voice by some.
Good. Hello. Go ahead. Sorry. One of your relatives is yelling in.
Go ahead.
Hello?
Go ahead, sorry.
One of your relatives is yelling in the... Yes, but this is the thing.
There should, we got to stop the hatred, and there's a lot of racial division, and it's uncool.
And so when I listened to you first time, I could just tell that you probably have some issues with minorities.
Yeah, but see, okay, but see see there's where you are wrong and for some
reason people like you think you can read into what people's hearts and minds are like and you
can't some reason you think you're morally superior i yeah and and and you're the problem in this
country people yelling out racist and bigot and to the point where it means nothing anymore you
have the problem the minorities. I don't.
I don't pander to them.
I speak to them the way I would white people or anybody else.
But when I do that today as a white guy slash Italian-American,
it somehow comes across racist to you because you're surrounded in your little bubble out there by people who,
California, I mean, you guys, you're off the map when it comes to yelling racist at people.
And you're right.
I'm not going to lie.
You're right.
I hear what you're saying.
And I accept everything that you say.
Yeah, but you got to, you know, if I bust black people's balls, it doesn't mean I dislike them.
It's mean I'm treating them just like I would people I fucking like.
That's how, first of all, my community is how I treat them. It's mean I'm treating them just like I would people I fucking like. That's how, first of all,
my comedian is how I treat everybody. But
yes, I turn it up when I talk
about black people because they haven't heard the
truth thanks to white
people, liberal white people. They haven't
heard the truth about themselves in a million years. That's
all. Lisa, I'd like to meet you
though. Black and what are you, German and what?
German and black.
Holy. Well, let me tell you something, my crout-mic friend.
German and black.
That's one I've never heard before.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a very, I have a very interesting family dynamic, so.
I met your cousin, Tyrone Schultz, at a party.
All right, Lisa, take it easy.
Call back.
Thanks for the call.
It was a good call.
Thank you, honey.
Thanks. And trust me, I love the yams.
Who
dreams?
See?
You hear how they can read
into... Brendan, you must...
How about... I mean, you're from Kentucky. How many times
have you... Probably not.
How many times about what?
I don't know. How many times have you been called racist because of your accent what i don't know how many times you've been
called racist because your accent you don't even have an accent what am i saying
brandon again they go i know too many times i'll tell you how about leonard brother nick uh
brother nick he's good done uh
Just go down, have some shrimp and grits and reading the Bible.
Love them.
Okay.
Adam wants to know if I'm getting a bus for the tour.
Oh, can we?
Yeah, actually.
It's going to be a very short yellow one with me and Andy on it and Tommy Nicky, the promoter.
And, Adam, what's going on?
Speaking of shrimp and grits, I just saw Joe Coy's tour bus come rolling up into the fuel islands at the truck stop here in New Mexico.
I was wondering if you guys were going to get a bus.
It's got his big head on the side and his name and everything.
Is he that popular or that rich that he can have a... Those things ain't cheap.
Those buses ain't cheap.
No, I'm hoping somebody's sponsoring it for him.
Don't tell me...
Come on.
I'll get one.
Mine will look more like the Partridge family bus.
It'll probably have my mom on it.
Your mom?
Your mom driving the bus?
Yeah.
I'll have my mom.
Hey, mom, pull over to that titty bar.
I don't know.
We might have to get a bus.
There's my bus. Pull up Joe Coy's bus. He might have to get a bus. There's my bus.
Pull up Joe Coy's bus.
He must have pictures on, right?
It's a good question.
I couldn't miss it, man.
From where I'm standing right now, I saw a pull to the fuel on about 20 minutes ago.
You've got to be kidding me.
Where are you?
Where are you right now?
I am in a little bird called Milan, like Italy, New Mexico.
Milan, New Mexico.
In the middle of nowhere.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks for the call, Adam.
I appreciate it.
You guys take care.
Later.
Okay.
Well, he's minority, so Netflix puts him on and does the success.
And I'm not taking a shot at his comedy.
Isn't he on with, you know who a lot, too?
Joe Rogan?
I believe so, yes.
Yeah, well.
Where's he playing in San Antonio?
The Majestic.
Huh?
Sold out.
Explain it to me, please.
Greg in Atlanta
says he was taught racism
by black ladies.
Hello.
I've grown my whole life down here
and every school I ever went to
must have my teacher for black women
so if I was taught racism it was by them
what exactly what kind of lessons
did they teach you?
they taught me a bunch of awesome stuff
I learned a lot in school I loved all my teachers
I thought they were great but that's where I learned it if it was taught
I see
because my mother and father didn't
that's the only other place I was at.
All right, Greg, there's a theory.
Appreciate it.
Thank you for the call.
There you go.
We have a picture of Joey Coy taking pictures with all his fans who, exactly of his descent, whatever that may be.
So he's filling another niche.
I guess, you know, again, sorry for being fucking white and European.
Why don't you white European comedy fans get off your fucking asses and start supporting guys like me?
You know, when I say me, I mean French-Canadian, a little Italian, and a little English.
What the fuck?
Is this guy that famous?
I didn't know that.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Honestly, God.
It's got to be sponsored by Netflix.
I'm wondering if Netflix put up money.
So what?
Whatever.
So the fuck what?
Again, I'll say it again.
You have to be a fucking minority LGBT or really famous if you're white or black.
Look at the dog down there going.
Fucking believable.
This is what it's turned into.
Congratulations, far left, you won.
We've broken the,
splintered the country into a thousand,
just like fucking Pat Buchanan said in 1992
or whatever the,
when he gave the speech at the convention.
Have no culture, nothing in common,
a bunch of squabbling ethnicities with nothing in common
living side by side i love it all the people are crying for a colorblind society you've
splinted into a thousand ethnicities black people go see black comics
filipino go see filipino indians go see indians congratulations
if you are you're gonna have to go on blackface
when you're opening for me. Ah, I just banged my
knee on the goddamn equipment that was
designed in the early 40s. Motherfucker,
that hurt. Those are the worst.
Ouch. Speaking of
ethnicities, how about the hateful Keith Ellison?
This piece of
garbage. Minnesota,
wake up, will you? Quit fucking electing
Al Frankens and the Keith Ellisons of the
world. Deputy Chairman of the DNC
attended a private event with
the nation's Islam leader in Farrakhan.
An Iranian president, that's the
biggest story, Hassan Rouhani, in
2013. Anti-bigotry.
First of all, let's refresh ourselves
on Farrakhan, one of my favorite
speakers.
I wouldn't bring our women and children
in some place to have them slaughtered but that's what the white man hopes for
that's why he makes mischief with my words words
Farrakhan won't get an army to kill white people
because you see white people deserve to die.
There's something wrong with the black man's mind.
There's something wrong with his mind.
He's talking about himself.
Ow.
My knee still hurts.
Anti-bigotry organizations have long pegged Afarikon as both racist and anti-Semitic,
citing his praise of Adolf Hitler, his obsession with Jews,
and his belief that white people are subhumans created by ancient African scientists.
That's the same thing Pelosi believes in.
And Chuck Schumer.
And Adam Schiff.
And the fucking morons in the far left
during the late 1980s through the 90s ellison wrote a series of columns defending farrakhan
and embracing extremist black separatist positions writing under the name keith hakeem
that shows you you and you have a lot of balls when you write under you know
ellison proclaimed that farrakhan was a role model for black youth
and defended a University of Minnesota
campus speaker who claimed that the
Zionists joined with the Nazis
in murdering Jews so they would flee
to Palestine.
When first running for Congress
in 2006, Ellison
apologized to Jewish leaders
and wrote in a letter that,
I have long distanced myself from and rejected the Nation of Islam.
Boy, he does that every time he runs for something.
Isn't that fucking cute?
But despite that statement, the Nation of Islam newspaper, The Final Call,
that's kind of creepy, The Final Call,
reported that both Ellison and Farrakhan attended a private dinner and dialogue hosted by Rouhani when the Iranian president visited the United States in 2013.
After the guests were hosted at a dinner, the Iranian president entered engaged in warm discussion with guests, including Democratic Congressman Greg Meeks, who's one of the most he's he's a Muslim, one of the most hateful black guys you'll see on TV.
He's a New York congressman.
So that's what the Dem Party,
that's who they want running their party.
CJ, CJ, let's go to CJ.
Isn't Nick's best friend a black guy?
Yes, he is, actually. CJ. Hey. Hey, let's go to CJ. Is it Nick's best friend, a black guy? Yes, he is, actually.
CJ.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
I'm glad you got the joke, because that's what everybody says.
Hey, my best friend's a black guy.
That's how we get to know each other.
And I think, like, I'm thinking of Louis C.K. on this show.
Like, oh, my wife is a black guy.
We don't know who he is.
So for Lisa in Orange County or wherever she's called from, like, hey, does she know that Nick's
best friend's a black guy?
Like,
that's the greatest
experience I've ever had.
I never say that.
I fucking never say it.
I get that all the time.
Like,
oh,
my best friend
or my,
my wife
or my sister's married
to a black guy.
It's always some kind
of justification.
I love that.
And it's not a Mexican
or a Chinaman.
It's always
a Chinaman.
That's funny.
On stage, I always go, my only black friend died, Patrice O'Neill, and he was a marginal friend at best.
Well, that's true, man.
Yeah.
And they can sense that.
Anyways, good point, CJ.
Thank you, buddy.
Yeah, buddy.
All right.
Mark in California, what's a gendaloon?
Every time I hear that word, I swear to God, it gets stuck in my head for a couple days, and I'm saying it all day long.
It's just a derivation of guido or whatnot, you know?
Guinea.
It's a derivation of guinea, but, you know, it used in the, you know, like you would Guido and all.
Gindaloon.
He's a real Gindaloon.
Yeah, Gindaloon.
Gindaloon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, that day you had Doug Stanhope on?
Yes.
That was the funniest fucking show I've heard, and I haven't listened to you since you started.
Well, that's not really a compliment to me.
I've got to be honest with you, Mark.
No, no, no.
You know?
No, you're good. You know, when you married your wife,
that's when I started to like you.
You were a real motherless fuck before.
You're a smug cocksucker, yeah.
Hey, one more thing.
When are you coming out to California?
When the state starts to speak English again and fucking, I don't have to get knifed in the ass at an ATM in fucking West Hollywood.
You have to come to Bakersfield.
That's where it's all Republicans.
I don't eat any heads of lettuce.
No, you're right.
I'll make it up to you.
This is the beginning of the tour, by the way, that was starting in the Northeast here.
But yes, California. Look, I lived out there for five years and i joined myself i told you uh you know
luckily i had somebody to keep me company i would have hung myself i spent the year in venice beach
in a basement apartment i almost committed suicide i'm not shitting but anyways oh you were right you
were right on the on the boardwalk huh oh my god was i ever what us and i just left the girlfriend
i had done three Arsenio
hauls in like a month. I thought I was going to be the big
shit. I'm like to my girlfriend, take it easy.
Fucking I'm out there a month and a half. I know nobody.
It's Sunday. It's 110 degrees
out. They shut the beach down
because it's gang activity. I haven't
I call home to my girlfriend, her
fucking parents like, no, she's going out with another guy
now. You fucked up. I'm fucking
sitting in heaven showered in three weeks. David T ran into me on the boardwalk didn't even recognize me
i fucking wait about 116 it was it was it was so painful mark i'm not shitting you it was such
the worst time of my life honest to god i i moved back to new york for a couple years and i had to
go out to la again a few years later i I never went near Venice Beach.
I see it on TV, and I start to get, like, fucking sad and angry.
It's horrible.
Yeah, the fucking Venice and all the way down to Santa Monica is a fucking pit.
Oh, my God.
I'd wander around that, what do you call it, Santa Monica, that mall, that outside mall?
Not the pier. Oh, yeah.
The mall, you know, Third Street.
Down by Third Street. Yeah, yeah. The mall, you know, 3rd Street. Down by 3rd Street.
Yeah, the promenade.
I'm wandering around there like on a Friday night by myself.
Just feeling it was horrible.
Tripping over homeless people, man.
They're all over the place in Panama.
Oh, yeah.
Anywhere where liberal idiots run the fucking world.
All right, Mark.
Good call, buddy.
All right.
Thanks, bud.
Take it easy.
What a horrible. Good call, buddy. All right. Thanks, bud. Take it easy. What a horrible.
Oh, my God.
Luckily, this kid, Evan Grant, moved out.
I live right on the front.
And he dragged me out.
It's just like that movie, Swingers.
They forced me to go out to, like, nightclubs and shit.
I was so depressed, you know, about my girlfriend and shit.
And it was just, it tell you i can't tell you
how i was literally i wouldn't shower for 10 12 days at a time you know wouldn't shave i'm sitting
like in my it's a it's like a wednesday i'm in a basement apartment it's sunny out i see people's
ankles going to the beach and shit were you doing spots and shit huh you weren't doing spots and shit? Huh? You weren't doing spots and stuff? I did.
I forced myself to drive in.
That's 40 minutes to the comedy cellar.
I did.
But even then, I'd cancel sometimes.
I couldn't get out of bed.
Just fucking horrible.
And then the guy above me is beating his girlfriend.
I can fucking front that him when...
You know, one night I got his face.
He's out by the pool.
Because I was just, you know, fucking ready to kill the world.
We get in a fucking, this, he goes, what's your schooling?
We have our fists up.
That's, how California is that?
What's your schooling?
Meaning what, what, you know, Taekwondo. I went, I got a bachelor's degree in fucking business at me.
What's my fucking schooling, Jackoff?
Beating up your girlfriend.
Real tough guy.
Fucking.
But when I finally moved out there, never forget, it's 102 degrees on a Sunday.
My buddy Evan's coming up the sidewalk.
I step in dog shit.
He starts laughing.
I look down.
I go, that's fucking it.
That is it. Next day I called.
Got a moving van and shit.
Fucking
sold my mattress. Girl came look at it.
Had sex on the fucking mattress. Come on.
Fucking true story.
Drove me to the fucking airport.
Well, that's a nice send off. It's a fucking, is that
not a forum, a hustler forum
fucking? Cutest fucking Texas accent.
Did she buy the mattress?
I think I gave it to her.
He stained enough of it.
Unbelievable.
This is the fourth mattress I've seen today.
That was the worst year of my life by fucking far.
In my, I had it all coming.
Had it all coming.
A real gendola sitting there you
should have seen that ran
every day on the boardwalk
every morning I get up and
ran like seven mile that's
the best place to run right
along fucking Pacific Ocean
but I wasn't eating on top
of it I was fucking
shredded that's what I
gotta do to lose weight
gotta get clinically depressed?
Anyways, kids, I'll tell you.
I'll save these stories for tomorrow.
Banning quietly plotted his own run at the White House.
I wish he'd run again, actually.
Love him.
And firefighters, do we get to that?
Nope.
About firefighters lowering the
standards out of fairness so you can have a nice person that looks like you coming up the ladder
and status somebody who can do the job anyways uh that is it tonight uh the big tour i'll mention
it again tomorrow and uh remember kids you think it i'll say it you're welcome see you tomorrow night