The Nick DiPaolo Show - Abbott To DOJ: "Nope" | Nick Di Paolo Show #1433

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Carlee's BS, Bronny's heart attack, Obama's chef and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I want all of you to enjoy your cake. So, enjoy. It's not a plaque. Statue. How are you, folks? Welcome to the show. Tuesday. That's hump day for me in Dallas.

That's right. You heard me. Let me tell you something about comedy. People can say a lot the way I made a living. Let me just tell you one fucking thing. Let this fact sink into your brain. I haven't had a bar since I was 28. Stick that up your wazoo.

That's worth so much do you understand I'm 61 I can get up at noontime on a Tuesday if I want what do you mean if I want I do before you know it this is going to be all fucking AI you're going to think you're watching me

I'm home watching how to use a speculum on YouTube how to open a can of soup with a speculum on YouTube. How to open a can of soup with a speculum. How was your evening to yourself? That's actually a great question. I was right where I was headed, Dallas.

It was more, I'll tell you how, it was almost gay-like. And here's why. I'm not fucking kidding you. This is how I know. I mentioned yesterday, the wife's out of town and you're like, yeah. And then you're like, what? What are you going to do? Call in a hooker?

She'll see it on the credit card and she'll know that the cash is gone. I've tried it. No. Yeah. So I get all fucking excited and me and the dogs just staring at me while I'm watching TV. I'm like, what the fuck are you looking at? So horrible. And then I'm fighting the urge. I made her pizza before she left. And I had two balls, you know,

instead of making one big one, I had two, you know, I made her an individual size. So it was a baller. And it's just calling my fucking name. You know me, I've hardly touched carbs since April. And I'm like, oh, you motherfucker. I ate a pork chop that I had marinated earlier at like four o'clock. This is around seven o'clock. Fuck. Kick on the pizza hub. Oh, just fucking tremendous. Just, I mean, crap. You can hear it crunching as I'm cutting. It was fucking, again, individual size. This is how I rationalize my, but I hadn't eaten that much. I haven't had that many carbs sitting down in one meal and fucking, you know,

that was more than I've had in three months. So, not counting vegetables and shit. So, yeah, I eat that. Went down like a thin mint. And then I get bananas starting to turn real dark on the counter. You know me. I'm half gay, I think.

I made banana bread. Forgot to bring you a piece. I mean... My wife calls me and she goes, what are you doing? I go, nothing. I'm even embarrassed to tell her. Then she hears clanging and shit.

I go, all right, I'm making banana bread. She starts laughing. I go, and you know what's sad? I go, after I'm done making this, I'm probably going to go spoon with my life partner upstairs. Fucking embarrassing. Oh, it is so, right out of the, you know why I like this banana bread? It's yellow. It looks like banana.

You know, a lot of them are dark brown. No, I want it to look like fucking banana. It's so fucking good. I don't understand how people can't like cook. I don't get it. Because if you're any good, you get rewarded an hour or two later. It's fucking tremendous. Like paying a hooker.

It makes no sense at all. Anyhow, so yeah, that's what I did. How about a wild, didn't even go to a bar and flirt with a fat girl. Nothing. Nothing. Then I put on, I did the stories earlier than that. I got them to you. And spent half the night trying to fucking have the dog take a dump i let her out

she just i have to pick her up and literally almost throw her down the stairs she walks out about 10 feet and like turns around looks over shoulder at me for an hour the fuck are you doing then she starts scratching i let her in sniff her ass nothing nothing. No, I didn't. Anyways, then I put on fucking, you know what? There was no baseball last night. Watched Gutfeld. And so, folks, that's how glamorous it is here. And I'm lucky to be where I'm at and whatever. I'm just saying. Oh, how have we fallen? I just, I really do miss. Never mind. Let's move on before I get divorced. There are white niggers. Oh my God, right off the bat. I haven't seen a lot of white niggers in my time. That's horrible. In our reverse the races segment tonight, Alabama nursing student, remember this batch, Carly Russell,

admitted Monday that she wasn't abducted earlier this month, like we said the first time we read it. As she apologized for the, remember I called her Jussie Smollett, the female, as she apologized for the bizarre hoax that sparked a massive two-day search. Here is the local sheriff reading her lawyer's statement about the whole incident yesterday. Hit it, Spanky. There was no kidnapping on Thursday, July 9th, 13th, 2023. My client did not see a baby on the side of the road. My client did not leave the Hoover area when she was identified as a missing person. My client did not have any help in this incident, but this was a single act done by herself.

I don't believe that either. Her boyfriend kind of, well, maybe he got fooled too. I don't know. And the family and shit. Can we put the picture up again of Carly? Isn't she beautiful, huh? Yeah. Well, she... I'm just kidding.

You fat, nasty, white bitch! No, no, she's kind of cute. She's just crazy. Black people, you're just nuts. That's all I'm going to say. And you know it. I worked for Chris Rock for two years. That's why the show is so successful.

He pointed out all the nutty shit. What are you talking about, Nick White? Shut the fuck up, you're crazy. You drive crazy. You vote crazy. You hate us. We had nothing to do, whatever the fuck went on. I'm sure that's going to make the air. Hi, Carly. I'm glad she's

home. My point being, if she was fucking white and pulled that horse shit, they didn't press charges yet. You know that's illegal what she did. God damn it. Russell, 25, disappeared on the night of July 13th, shortly after she called 911 to report a sighting of a toddler wearing a T-shirt and diaper.

That was me. Walking barefoot down 495 at Hoover. She initially told police she would stay at the... That's what I look like when I'm drunk. I got a guy and a type. But then dropped off the grid when she was heard screaming during a bizarre call to her sister-in-law.

God, is this... After two days, sir, it's the Alabama nursing student showed up at her parents' door on July 15th. Russell, however, doubled down on her fucking lie and initially told police that she was abducted from the side of the road by a white man with orange hair. I guess she was like, you know, a lot of times

white people say it was a black guy, so I'm gonna What the fuck are you doing? With orange hair. So Conan O'Brien was arrested at his house. Anyways, what a scumbag. Liar, liar, whore, liar, whore, you knowag. The obvious flaws in the would-be victim's narrative were seemingly confirmed when she was fired from the Woodhouse Spa in Birmingham, and her boyfriend

deleted all evidence of her from his social media. I bet you he's pissed if he wasn't in her. She got what she wanted. She's famous. She was taken to a hospital where she was treated and released. She agreed to one police interview. Since when does she get to decide how many police interviews? Could you fucking, oh my God, to one police interview, but subsequently stopped cooperating with the investigation? Derses said Monday, it's unclear where Russell actually was for 49 hours. I'm guessing Red Lobster. She was reported missing.

No criminal charges have been filed at this time. Why the fuck not? Why not? Why not? That's the only reason I'm doing this story. After her return, investigators found that Russell

Googled the action film. This is after she came back, which stars, the action film Taken is after she came back, which stars, the action film Taken, which stars Liam Neeson as a CIA agent racing to save his daughter from abductors the day she disappeared. I would have thought she would have done that

before she disappeared. I think she did. I know, we mentioned that the other day. No, she did. It's just the article's written weird. After her return, investigators found. So that they, After her return? Yeah, after her return. Oh,, investigators found. So that they...

After her return? Yeah, after her return. Oh, I get it. No, I see what you're saying. Maybe if I could fucking have some comprehension. On Monday, Crime Stoppers of Metro Alabama gave up. No, revealed that it would not refund those who contributed the $63,000-plus

donated during the search for Russell. This investigation is still ongoing, and according, there is no basis to refund any contributions at this time. What? Reparations? Furthermore, the Hoover Police Department has not requested for any donor contributions to be released or refunded. So you're not going to press charges yet and what?

She gets to keep the money? What the fuck? I'll do this tomorrow. Dallas. Oh, wait a minute. You're right. And I'm, well, yeah. Anyways, yeah, so no refund? Anyways, said the citizen sleuth

group. What bullshit that is? That's all I'm going to change. I got to believe. You hear me? I got to come here and bust my body. Give me the fucking money. Hey, in the second half of the show, I'm going to be talking about

House Democrats storming out of a hearing because, because why? Because someone said something that they disagree with. So like little children, they storm off. Got footage of that. And also, the guy who committed the perfect murder, or did he? This happened in Turkey.

You got to, seriously. And because it happened in Turkey, I have my answer to whether it was an accident or not. That's how racist I am. answer to whether it was an accident or not. That's a racist, aren't you? Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicka shirts, just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Ah, your sister-in-law. Anyways, what did you call it, Dallas? I'll use yours.

Oh, that's it? Yeah, AKA. Oh, you disagree. Brawniac arrest, aka brawny carditis. Brawny carditis. This was, this came, we caught this right before we went on there. LeBron James' son, Brawny, is that his nickname, I'm guessing? His name name, I don't know. Can't be Brawny LeBron. It can't be. Anyways, Bronny suffered with cardiac arrest yesterday during a basketball workout at the University of Southern California. He had a cardiac arrest. I've never had pains like this before. Oh, this is the worst one I ever had, son. Oh, it's the worst one. This is a big one. I'm dying. I've never had pains like this before. The 18-year-old athlete, and look, I'm no fan of LeBron Johnson. I fucking hate him,

but I don't want this fucking kid to die. You know what I mean? Colby, yeah. But no, I'm kidding everybody. But yeah, come on. This kid's a freshman. He got his whole life ahead of him and he didn't die. The 18-year-old athlete was taken to a hospital where he was treated in intensive care unit before being released to general care. A spokesman for the James family tells Page Six, yesterday while practicing, Bronny James suffered a cardiac arrest. Medical staff was able to treat Bronny, and they cleaned up the mess ironically with brawny paper towels

it's a true story everybody good night and take him to the hospital he is now in stable condition and no longer in ICU but he's playing a zone defense said the doctor oh shut it anyways we asked for respect and privacy for the James family and we will update media when there's more information. Shut up. Mind your fucking business. Well, I want to know. The statement concludes with LeBron and his wife, Savannah. Best name for a woman ever.

Seriously, love it. Either that or Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn for a woman it makes me hard Tommy's daughter I didn't mean your daughter Tom let's not he doesn't watch the show then I want a banger concludes with LeBron and his wife Savannah James thanking USC medical and athletic staff for their incredible work and dedication to the safety of their athletes. I don't know how my first instinct, I know where I went with this because you know who for the Celtics dropped dead of a heart attack. Oh, Nick, come on.

You know what I'm talking about? Oh, fuck. A couple of them did. This is before COVID. Fuck. A couple of them did. This is before COVID. The guy they drafted, Google producer, Google draft pick, Celtics, dies.

My memory's so bad. This is in the Len Bias. Oh my god. How fucking weird is that? Lenny Bias. He was the number one draft overall, I believe. Right? Drops dead.

And then they had another guy, superstar, who I can't remember, drop dead also. Len Bias had a cocaine overdose. Yes. And then people are going, how is a, how, this is Boston, a day after the fucking tragedy, people are going, hey, how is Len Bias and a rose alike? They both die when you pick them. How horrible is that? And then there's another Celtic, don't worry about it, another superstar, fucking cardiac

arrest, and I think that might have been, but here, like Dallas mentioned, he goes, Then there's another Celtic. Don't worry about it. Another superstar, fucking cardiac arrest. And I think that might have been. But here, like Dallas mentioned, he goes, yeah, I wonder if he had the clot shot. You know, the fucking COVID shot. And because I didn't mention it, I'm guessing he did. Might be wrong. I don't know. But every week, how many times a week?

Go ahead, Dallas. Well, why wouldn't he have had it? LeBron James is his father, and he jerks off to China. So why wouldn't he have had it? LeBron James is his father and he jerks off to China. So why wouldn't he have had the shot? That's actually a good point. You take his father's politics into consideration. And yeah, he's probably a big fan of Fauci and whatever the fuck, you know. And so I'm wondering, we don't have proof yet, but you're never going to have proof.

How many stories do you guys, do you read the paper every day? I could do one of these a day. Sometimes they're famous people, soccer players in Europe, and sometimes they're just, you know, high school kids playing soccer or any sport. It's really, I would be nervous if I got, it's one of my best decisions. That and getting a penis enlargement. Those two, what? I heard that can kill you too.

Yeah, the guy does it with a dirty popsicle stick. What? Oh my God. Let's move on. Anyways, I hope the kid's all right. You know, yeah, LeBron's everything wrong. No doubt, one of the greatest in history. In February, you know,

he became the leading scorer in history. So right there, I mean, and the guy can move. He's a great athlete. Just a dick. Just you know. I stood about from here to that wall away from him at Amy Schumer's, was it Amy Schumer's opening of her movie? I was in New York for some big event.

I don't know. I didn't even fucking talk to him. And he said he was pissed. Come on, man. Anyways, I can't breathe is the headline. Divers have found the body of a paddle boarder who went missing in the waters off Moffitt's Vineyard. You know, the place where they kicked out the immigrants that were there for six minutes? The big liberal island? Anyways, off Martha's Vineyard that backs on to Barack Obama's sprawling $12 million estate.

It's a pond that's right on his estate. So, you know, remember Barack? We will keep this promise to the American people. If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor. Period. Shut up.

You're having a period. The 40-year-old vanished on Sunday evening while he was out with another paddleboarder on Edgerton Great Pond, Massachusetts. Been there a million times. And emergency crews were dispatched to Obama's residence. Here he is on the Iron Chef. He's doing a menstrual show. Witnesses told cops the man went underwater and then briefly reappeared

as he struggled to stay afloat before submerging again around 740. So they're watching a guy struggle? These people? What the fuck are you doing? He's looking at you, kid. A massive joint agency search resumed Monday morning for the African-American male, they're not big swimmers, who was last seen

wearing all black without a life jacket, and Martha Vinnie Times reported his paddleboard and hat were recovered Sunday, and his body was found in the eight-foot deep waters approximately 100 feet away from the shore at 10 a.m. Monday. The dispatch address for the incident came from Obama and Murphy's Vineyard Waterfront home. It is unclear if the former president, he's my age, is currently staying at the estate. Environmental police located the body using a phone call to Hillary Clinton. No, using sonar from a boat, according to the state police. The rescue mission is just yards away from former President Obama's seven-bedroom home, a 6,892-square-foot mansion, you know, right in the middle of racist fucking... Huh? Right? Right?

Right? Mr. Obama, this country is just unfair to black people. A mansion right near the water. He bought the Martha's Vineyard home in 2019 for 11.75 mil. And let me... Now, Dale, was that today that you read that this is the guy... This is

Obama's chef, you said? Yeah, it was last night when I saw it. But yeah, it was his chef. I think that's Chris Rock. No, Chris Tucker. But also, backtrack just a second. It says environmental police located the body. What the fuck is environmental police?

I know. The Massachusetts State Police were involved. At first, they were the diving team. Then it says environmental police. Oh, I know who Massachusetts State Police were involved. You know, at first they were the diving team. Then it says environmental police. Oh, I know who they are. I did like a year for throwing a Coke can on the beach. That's exactly right. Who are the environmental police?

Who's it? Greta Thunberg in a one piece, you little fuck whore. Anyways, but black people have no, no reason to be paddleboarding anywhere near water. We know. We know. And you guys are too young. Even Dallas is too young to remember this. Well, what am I saying?

A lot of fans are my age. We realize that black people can't swim that way. Even black people make jokes about it. But you know where that theory originally sprung from? There was a show called The Superstars on ABC in the 70s where famous athletes from all sports baseball, football, basketball

would compete against each other in 100-yard dash, high jump, swimming. And this is where Joe Frazier, this is where this whole theory of black people can't swim and boy, they got it on tape. Joe Frazier, the fighter on Superstars in the 70s. That's him in the lane closest to us.

Where's the white guys? And Jean-Claude Keeley and Bob Seger are battling for the lead. Revson moving up strong, however, and Joe Frazier is well, well back. Doesn't look like Joe's going to make it into the finals of this event. Here they come.

You got to kick your feet, Joe. And they lap him. But I said to Dallas, what a good point. That's why I left that in there. Everybody joked about it then. You know what I mean? Everybody, black athletes

were making fun of him, white athletes. And you could do that. You're on the Tonight Show, people joking about him. But today, you know, God forbid, you'd be fucking canceled or whatever. And Joe joked about it, because that's the way it is. And I'm not saying that black people can't, but for the most part, they suck. Unless there's an alligator chasing them.

I'm just saying, you know how those rednecks down south used to feed them to the alligators? That's what we heard. Had to be true. It was on NBC Nightly News of Brian Williams. He'd never lie. You fuck. Excuse me. OJ was on there.

What did he say on Superstar? He was the guy holding the mic interviewing people. I forget what he said. Obviously, this is 20-something years before he cuts his wife's head off, but there's an old clip of him saying something that kind of implied something about a knife or shit. I could have looked it up, but hey, what am I getting paid full-time here? Anyways. Anyhow, hey, for those of you on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of the show.

Everyone else go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show and Steve and Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. A whole lot more. Nickdip.com. guitar solo Outro Music