The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden Blows Past Bernie #161

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

AOC is garbage.  Biden 2020. Barr behind bars?

. Yeah, how are you, folks? Welcome to the show on a dirty Tuesday. How's it going? Feel great. Ate an entire pizza last night. I was texting with Louis C.K. and he goes, my mother's calling. I go, good, because I've got to eat. Went and picked up an entire pizza, 14, 16, I don't know, large.

Ate it all. Didn't burp once. Wasn't even that full, got to be honest with you. That's frightening. I'm only fucking 5'10". And then I lay down on the mattress on the floor, belly sticking out. I looked like De Niro in The Raging Bull. Remember when he's laying in the jail cell with his belly hanging out? God, but I slept like an angel. Those poor, poor kids in those third-world shitholes that you see on those commercials,

they must be up all night with all the growling and whatnot. Slept like an angel. Anyways, thank you guys. First of all, the special, A Breath of Fresh Air. We're up to 40,000 views. 41,000 in just under a day. 41,000 in under a day. So it's a smash hit.

Even the ratio from comments, negative to positive, it's like 70 to 1, positive to negative. You know, there's a few dicks. Oh, we need George Carlin back. I just read that one. I said, good luck with that. Here's a shovel, stupid. And by the way, his daughter Kelly told me that his dad liked my comedy.

So, nice try, fucking haters. I love the people. I'm complaining. It's a 71 ratio, and I'm complaining about the three people that didn't like it. That's a comedian for you. But, you know, I love that they think you think your opinion matters when it comes to that. When I have the respect, I have Norm Macdonald calling me a legend on Twitter. David Tell, Louis C.K. But you, the guy with 11 followers in Tulsa, don't know, doesn't dig it. You don't fucking matter. Twitter proof that not everybody deserves a voice.

I know that's very undemocratic of me. But anyways, thank you so much. And again, nickdip.com, you can watch it. Again, it's out there for free. YouTube, if you like unadulterated, free speech comedy, First Amendment, making people uncomfortable, not by choice. It's just they're very, very faggy out there.

I can't help it. This is the way we live in 2019 in this country, and I'm glad to know it upsets some people. You know, some woman, I think she was a woman, it was a psychologist, goes, oh, is that what you conservatives do, go after marginalized people? And I said, first of all, I'm not a conservative.

You labeled me that douchebag. And number two, marginalize, you mean victims, people who can't get out of the wrong ways? Yeah, I guess only trans, gay, and black and brown comics should do comedy, and I should stay out of it. So, and you're a shrink. Can you imagine going to advice for this douchebag? Anyway, so thank you very much. A breath of fresh air. Nickdip.com, YouTube, and everywhere. Even the trailer's

up to 120,000 views. I mean, apparently there's a market for it. Somebody still believes in it. We're coming to you live. You know that, don't you?

Of course. We'll do it live. Okay. We'll do it live. Fuck it. And for free. Do it live. I'll write it and we'll do it live. Sounds like! And for free. Do it live!

I'll write it and we'll do it live! Sounds like every meeting we have here, doesn't it, fellas? Yes, sir. You know you want crazy motherfucking walk, man. Yes, I do, Dad. Now shut it. Shut it! What do we got here?

CNN anchor Anderson Cooper denied a Monday night that he's on the left, but later slammed Trump for weighing in on the Kentucky Derby. Cooper began a panel discussion by speculating whether or not President Trump would accept the results of the 2020 election if he narrowly loses, and that quickly shifted to whether or not an attempted coup took place to oust the president. First of all, I love the fucking irony. Big Hillary fan, CNN, obviously, Anderson Cooper. And they're saying, will Trump accept the will Trump accept it if he loses? And first of all, he's not going to have to accept that he's going to win by a fucking shitload. If you guys keep up your stupidity on the left. And second, you're saying that while Hillary right now is whining about how it was stolen from her. Do you call her thick-ankled dog face out or do you just go after Trump?

Oh, God. Anderson Cooper. Here's a video of him and this guy Cortez sparring. Jerry Falwell Jr., who runs the university, is talking about the president should get two more years because of an attempted coup. The president has said there was an attempted coup against him. There was, you dick cheese. Well, there was. Really? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, says the hot but stupid president. No, and by the way, here's the, this is part of the paradox. Wow. You and many on the left are accusing the president of having these authoritarian...

Hey, I'm not on the left. Pause. Go ahead. You're not on the left? You're the face of fucking CNN. Are you in that much denial? Do you live in that kind of a fucking bubble? Anderson Cooper, you big dope gay anchorman for CNN.

But I'm not on the left. I'm a huge fucking righty. Anchorman for CNN, but I'm not on the left. I'm a huge fucking righty. He's a fag. That's got nothing to do with it. Seems like a nice guy. Reasonable fella.

Spoil rotten. Gloria Vanderbilt. Belt. She made belts. Nice pink ones. I have a couple at home. But yeah, he gets tied up by his mother's made belts. Nice, nice pink ones. I have a couple at home. But yeah, he gets tied up by his mother's own belts. Paddle is the last. I'm not on the left. Shut your fucking pie hole. You know, I don't know what you call what you're on.

It's so far left. It's unbelievable. So anyways, go ahead. Play the rest of this, cheese eater. Okay, well, of having authoritarian tendencies, when in fact, if there are actually state... Let him finish. Well, the supposition of the question is that he has authoritarian tendencies, that he would be willing to somehow resist... He says that millions of illegal votes were cast in California, and there's no evidence of that. He formed a commission about it that had to disband because they couldn't find anything. So it's like we're talking about something from a couple of years ago. Number one. Number two, you're saying that with the backdrop being with the backdrop being this whole Mueller report, two year hoax that you perpetuated, you dumb fuck. Everything that comes out of your mouth since the Mueller report, you people don't see it.

It's like turds, just bird turds flying out of your mouth. You're so stupid. You lost 20, 26 percent of your ratings after the Mueller report came out. You are in such goddamn denial. Look at her on the right. I like to make her make that face as I rub her giant feet. Anyways, go ahead. Made out of whole cloth. He's talking about a coup. And I'm surprised you're talking about a coup as well. That's because you're clueless. OK, look, when our national security, when the national security apparatuses of the United States are weaponized for political purposes, I define that as a coup. And when you have the absolute top echelon of the Obama, DOJ and FBI using national security as a pretense to spy on an opposition campaign and then on an incoming president. All true.

To delegitimize him. So that in my definition is absolutely a coup. Shut it, Kirsten. She used to work at Fox. One thing I do like about her, I met her and we were on a panel. I can't remember what show was on. And during the break, they played a clip of some woman right before we went to break. And I said her voice, I go, female politicians voices go through me. And she goes, it's true.

She said that she goes, it's they have to learn how to moderate. But she's retarded. But she's retarded. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine being in that much denial? I'm not on the left. You've got to be dog-styling me, Anderson. Of course you are. So he gets into it about, Trump came out and tweeted about the Kentucky Derby,

which I don't give two shits about. My buddy Bobby Jewell, who runs Sidesplitters, he's got a friend who's a big gambler, won $37,000. He had the horse that won, can you imagine? And this controversial thing in exact times three, and he did all the math. I couldn't figure it out. I just learned to play hearts last week.

But go ahead. Is there any more? No, the tweets. Put up the tweets, Jason. Kentucky Derby, this is not a good one. It was rough and tumble race on a wet and sloppy track. Sounds like my sex life. What, Gilligan?

A beautiful thing to watch. Only in these days of political correctness could such an overturn occur. The best horse did not win the Kentucky Derby. They traded paint like they do in NASCAR, a couple of horses. And I don't know the rules, and I don't give a fuck. The only time I enjoy it is when a horse – remember they had to – one came out of the gate and his leg snapped like it was – and they had to put it down right there. I wish they do that with athletes when, like, an NFL player snaps his leg.

The ref comes out and just, boom! Fiseman down. Hey, Deke, how about laughing it up out loud? That's why you're here, you stooge. Okay? Fucking sitting there with your tits jiggling. So that's Trump, you know. And then Cooper, Anderson ripped up, he says,

President Seabiscuit for turning the conductor into a whole freaking thing and for keeping with his practice of having nothing better to do. Do we have his tweet? Doesn't matter. No? All right. The president of the United States seems to have a lot of time on his hands, Cooper told his six viewers.

And he can't even stand some horses getting uninterrupted air time. He's got to be part of every frickin' news cycle. He can't help himself. And you know what? You should be grateful, because your ratings were never better than when Trump came into the scene, you dummy. Jesus Christ, I hate the way you make me ride you. You're pretty, pretty, probably a pretty good dude, but you're dumb as a bag of fucking rocks. Let me ask you something. He says, doesn't he have anything better to do? Did you say that when Obama was filling out his 5th March madness bracket?

Huh? Did you? No, you didn't. You know why? Because you're on the left. You're a fucking hack. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, yeah yeah yeah i mean he was a boom for their ratings he says let me get something straight president trump is upset because the more popular candidate or horus he's making a clever metaphor here uh the one everyone expected to win that would be hillary didn't win because of an old-timey rule meaning the electoral college this is what he's trying to get at is it just, or does this all sound vaguely familiar

and like something the president actually supports in other non-equine situations? Nobody likes horses better than this guy, trust me. He later added that Trump's reference to political correctness must have meant rules are for losers. Yeah, that's exactly what he meant, you fucking asshole. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. A little fat, sneaky cunt. Said and true, but they tell you you're a motherfucking cunt. You are a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

Motherfucking cunt. Everybody knows from the end it owes you a big fat cunt. It was a good metaphor he did there. Hillary has the exact same ankle circumference as three of those horses. If they were Clydesdales. Oh, Nick, that's an ad hominem attack. I know, those are my favorite. That's what makes people hate me.

Let's stay on the left. Listen to this one, folks. Former Vice President Joe Biden has a 32 point lead in the Democratic presidential race in get this, 14% for Senator and Socialist Bernie Sanders. He came in a distant, distant second. Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you. That's Biden yelling at him. Anti-Semitic left. Former South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg was in third place with 8%, followed by the titless olive oil-like Elizabeth Warren with 7%. 4% of that was from Cherokees. Polls taken since the former vice president's official declaration have shown him receiving support in the upper 30s to lower 40s, about twice as much as Bernie Sanders.

Do you know what bad news that is for the Elizabeth? Well, everybody else that's running that say Joe's an old crusty moderate. He's not radical enough. But like I said, that's what they're saying now, but they will take anybody, anybody but Trump. They don't give a shit. If a Klansman came out, which they started it, the Democrats, he'd have a 98% if he was smoking Trump in the polls am I right folks sure I is

poll was taken Friday and Saturday among 440 registered voters who identified as Democrats or independents who leaned toward the park is that really a big enough sample for anything 440 people millions 60 million 60 million people going to vote? I don't understand how that's even relevant. Somebody call in now if I had a phone. Explain that. Oh, this may be hard. California Democrat Kamala Harris was fourth with 6%.

Imagine being a black chick trying to follow the first African-American president. Well, we have Trump. But I just got to break the news to you black politicians who think you're going to be president. Fucking Obama fucked it up for the next 200 years. But good luck. Found me in heaven. Oh, hell.

But how about Beto O'Rourke? Remember that powerhouse that fucking jerk off with Dane Cook's energy? And that's not a slap of Dane's. I'm fine with that. I'm just saying. And Senator Cory Booker, they both had 3%. Wack, wack, wack. Bye-bye.

Look at the floating heads. Put it back up. Come on. Get some feeling to the show. I called Jason. He's asleep. I'm up before Come on. Get some feeling to the show. I call Jason. He's asleep. I'm up before he is. I'm your boss, motherfucker. That happens again, and I'll be calling Ryan, okay? I saw a clip of the monkey on, you see that clip, the monkey using Instagram? I'm pretty sure Ryan can figure out why you're casting. Tim Ryan of Ohio.

Andrew Yang. Marianne Williams. Who are these people? Jay Inslee. Eric Swallowswell. He's the biggest dummy of them all. He's the guy that wants to impeach Trump and take away your guns. Just a West Coast fucking moron.

All of them got zero and one percent support. I could throw my hat into the ring you get that let's be honest the vice president has a strong name recognition is likely being helped by his eight years as vice president to former uh president obama that's what's funny obama was in my opinion and about everybody else is the worst president in history yet they still he gets a favorable rating around democrat do you ever break out of your little fucking Nazi march? Do you ever dance to your own drummer on that side? Ever.

Conor McGuire, a Republican strategist, suggested the race could still turn, noting that the 2016 Republican presidential primate was completely upended by the unexpected candidacy of the great orange one, Donald Trump, which is a good. It really is. We're very early. You're talking November of 2020. This is before preseason baseball. I mean, it's like talking about baseball in February. Hot stove baseball. It's really early. And Biden is already making gaffes left and right. He calls somebody Margaret Thatcher. I think she's been dead. So I was talking to her the other day. are you doing seances now stupid and it's just starting out well to the wait wait till trump starts fucking attacking him on twitter

oh my god he's gonna shit his little socialist pants he's a moderate i know uh how about this uh william barr there's Joe he looks good there looks good also anybody who thinks Amtrak is a good way to get to work is a dope unless you're trying to commit suicide then sit right in the third sit in the third car that's the one that usually

look at him the glazed over eyes and shit he's been through a lot he doesn't even really want this. I can tell. You know, I can tell. Been through a lot, sleepy Joe. Attorney General William Barr hasn't told Monday morning to follow House Democrats' orders to reveal

the redacted parts of the Mueller report or else. Ew. He doesn't have to. He doesn't have to. He didn't have, do you guys know this? This is why this is all horseshit. Do you know he didn't even have to release the report to the public? And he did anyways. The entire report. He didn't have to release one letter of it. And he did. So once again, you're looking so silly. Not like he's trying to hide shit. hide shit. And the redacted stuff, as you know, is grand jury testimony. It's stuff, secrets we can't give away and how we get the information. You put people in danger. So good luck to you. You're still going after Trump. I'm trying to help you out, Dems. I'm like a sports fan. You know, it's like when the Pats run the Super Bowl every year. I don't want it to be a blowout. I

don't want to be bored in the first quarter. I'm never. Actually, the Pats never blow anybody out. But you guys, I mean, come on. You're making it fucking easy here. I'm trying to help you. I want a close race. I want to see another Dems' hearts broken like the thick-ankled dogface.

But that what or else and tail remains an open question. Committee Chairman Gerald nadler pictured uh right here giving his lunch order to four people guy in the right ran out of ink about three days ago now was that bacon with whipped cream is that what you said look at that fucking parade float yes he's skinny now but it's hopefully he's dying ebola look at the guy on the left okay you want six pounds of cream cheese shot into the veins in your left arm. Okay. Anyways, Nadler frustrated lawmakers are considering their options.

They could censor Barr, take him to court, impeach him, or even in theory, order his arrest. We're going to use every means at our disposal in order to do our jobs, Rep. Jamie Oresken, a Democrat Maryland, told NPR. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! A censure or public reprimand will be the first step of a potential criminal proceeding against Barr. In 2012, the House voted to hold then-Attorney General Eric Holder in criminal... You remember him. Remember he got busted for sneaking into Rosen, James Rosen's computer? He hacked into it, a reporter for Fox. He actually apologized for it. But that's not why he was censured.

He was held criminal contempt and sued to obtain documents related to the Fast and Furious gun running scandal. Do you remember that? When they put a bunch of guns through Mexico, through the border, one of them ended up killing one of our agents and they lied through that. Dems, including Rep. Eric Swallowswell, have called for impeachment proceedings against Barr, although removing him from office would require the Republican majority Senate to go along. So there goes that.

Congress could also invoke its inherent contempt power and order the house sergeant at arms to place bar under arrest don't you move you motherfucker blow your brains out meanwhile the department of justice has continued its own probes into elements of the Russia collusion investigation. An inspector general report on abuses of the FISA system is expected in the next few weeks. This is when we get into the dirty down and dirty shit. And seriously, if there's any justice in the world, Hillary, Obama, who knew everything. This makes Watergate look like a fucking joke.

And nobody's talking about it on the left. New York Times. New York Times admitted, by the way, when we were talking about the coup, they admitted there was a coup attempt. The New York Times said that. So all of them should be doing the perp walk together. But it won't happen. That's just not how the country works. So I guess we'll have to take the law into our own hands uh yeah so uh inspector general report abuses of the fisa system inspected in the next few weeks that's the steel dossier they're

talking in a review of the leak of former fbi director james comey's memos is also in the offing he was the dirtiest cop of them all he He was leaking shit to a friend who was a Colombian professor. He leaked it to the news. He admitted to that. It's absolutely a federal offense. He's still free as a bird. It's all going to come down in about 12 years. We'll all be dead.

As you know, the wheels of justice, well, there are none. All right, folks. Real quick, you can get these at nickdip.com. Jason, you've got to update these, fella. Huh? Let's pick up the pace. What do you say? I know you're getting a lot of pussy already down here.

I'm too busy sleeping, sorry. Yeah, I know. You're too busy sleeping. Good excuse. You've got to be honest. This weekend, I met governors in Levittown, Long Island, New York, Friday and Saturday night. It's one of my favorite places. James runs the place, one of my favorite people.

Then Friday, May 31st, Jonathan's in Agunquit, Maine. That's a gay hangout, and they love me up there. I dress like John Travolta. Not the Stayin' Alive, but the sequel, you know? I have the headband on and the belly shirt. They go crazy. And I love them. Saturday, June 1st, Whites of Westport.

Westport, Mass. Friday, June 7th, I'm going back to Steel Stacks. That one was canceled because of the weather. Couldn't get there. The Fowler Blast Furnace Room, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. That's June 7th. Saturday, August 10th, Newtown Theater, Newtown, Pennsylvania. Friday and Saturday, August 16th and 17th, Helium in Philadelphia.

Friday, October 18th, Ridgefield Playhouse, Ridgefield, Connecticut. Friday, November 15th, the Cortland Repertory Theater, Cortland, New York. Saturday, November 16th, Comedy Works, Saratoga Springs, New York. And then New Year's Eve, Tarrytown Music Hall, my favorite venue maybe on the planet. Tarrytown, New York. I did it last New Year's Eve. Cannot wait. And don't forget Cameo.com, kids.

Go to Cameo.com. If you want me to send a video, you guys tell me what they're saying in it. And if you hate your neighbor, an old girlfriend, a boyfriend, I will roast them in a 30 to 1 minute video and just tear them into assholes. I can be nice. I can say happy birthday to your grandmother or your kids or whatever. Whatever you want.

I can make or break their day. Just let the old acid tongue do the work. Again, I did two this morning when I woke up. Cameo.com. Go to my profile. Just let the old acetone do the work. Again, I did two this morning when I woke up. Cameo.com. Go to my profile. Fill out the information and it'll be done. I'm a hired gun. And it's so god damn much fun.

I don't enjoy much in life, but Cameo.com I do. Yes, sir. Super chat. Let's go. Let's go. Dead air. Let's go. We got Nick Burns. He said he's been a Nick Depp fan since World's Dumbest, which is a long time. World's Dumbest. This is still running those.

Kill that mic. They're still running those on true TV. I don't see a fucking dime. I didn't even want to do the show. I told him, don't put my name on the fucking. But I needed the money. I was living in New York City. I said, don't put my name on the website.

I don't want to be seen doing comedy next to Frank Stallone and Tonya Harding. Nothing, guys? Rich, did I hurt your feelings by telling you to shut the mic off? You better grow some thick skin, motherfucker. You're a whiny little bitch. Stephen Kramer said,

love you, Nick. Go Bruins from Brockton, Massachusetts. Go Bruins last night. They went to Columbus and Tucaukaras plays his nuts off, and they win the series, and they're moving on. It's going to be a Red Sox won the World Series. The Pats took the Super Bowl, and it hasn't been done since 69 when the Knicks and the Mets and the Jets did it, I guess.

So that's what we're looking for. I was so proud. Tukaras Gasky, he's not a money goalie, in my opinion. And Chara, we have to get rid of Chara. I said this five, after we won the Cup. He's 6'19". It's not a good sport. The puck is on the ground.

Your head's 150 feet. You can't see what the fuck. People are going around him like he's a fucking, you know, Andrew Jackson statue. Anyways, go bruins anything else yeah i got a couple more uh nameless human said say my name you filthy uh whore um so he's obviously a poet what he wants me to say his name nameless human nameless human i don't even get what that means okay nameless human um luke k had an interesting one he said he's stuck here in california um it's a mess here Where should I move once I go back east

You want to go back east You don't like California If you're going to go east You've got to go down south like I did Do what I did Got to my new state I went to Chick-fil-A with a handgun on my lap Just to prove I'm here

Hey Deke, laugh it up, will you? What the fuck is the matter with you? That's why we got you here. What are you, studying? He's got an Atlanta Braves hat on. He's got the bill flat like he's a 14-year-old black kid. Who sounds old now, Nick? Go ahead.

James Coleman said, don't know how much a ticket would cost to Coho's, but I'm sending you some money here because I laugh so hard. Don't know what a ticket... Oh cost to Coho's, but I'm sending you some money here because I laugh so hard. Don't know what a ticket... Oh, the special? Yeah, he loved the special. It was $140 a person. It was like a Ted Cruz dinner. No.

It wasn't that much. I don't even remember. Did we charge? I don't know, but we turned people away at that venue. So thank you so much for the contribution. And finally, we got Crash Hard. He basically said Watcher Special was brilliant. A lot of away at that venue so thank you so much for the contribution and finally we got crash hard um he basically said watch your special it was brilliant um a lot of love thank you so much crash hard it's uh it's uh you know people need this uh type of humor we can't fill the world with pete holmes

and his fucking faggoty horse shit, PC. Thank you so much. I appreciate all the support. Jason Alexander trades barbs with Ted Cruz using Seinfeld lines. I get nervous when conservatives like Ted Cruz try to be funny. Let's be honest. Cancer of the funny bone. Senator Ted Cruz last week invoked a Seinfeld line in a dig at 2020 presidential candidate Senator Michael Bennett. Who the fuck is he?

Democrat, Colorado. But days later, Jason Alexander, the act who played George Cassandra on the show, took issue with Cruz. Of course he did, because he's an actor in Hollywood, and he's rich, and he's a lib, and doesn't know anything about politics. Ted Cruz's tweet said, I don't know if I gave you this. Michael Bennett's campaign is a Seinfeld campaign about nothing. Yeah, well, that show about nothing did pretty well today. That typifies the left's empty rage in 2020, which that is correct. In a decade in the Senate, he's done very little,

but he did stomp his foot and yell at me on the Senate floor, which he features in fundraising emails. So Jason Alexander, you know, Alexander, no fan of Cruz. Clearly he wasn in fundraising emails. So Jason Alexander, you know, Alexander, no fan of Cruz, clearly wasn't amused. In a Monday tweet, the 59-year-old washed-up actor responded with a line Costanza delivered later in the series when the character's attempt at a joke fell flat among his colleagues. Alexander's tweet said,

Seinfeld campaign claiming it's about nothing. I've met Bennett. Why would Jason Alexander meet a nobody from Colorado? Probably in a bathhouse in L.A. He is a great man and real choice for POTUS. As for Cruz, the jerks don't call, and they're running out of guys. I say the faster the better.

Oh, God, help me, Jason. Thank you. Let's show the clip. And sci-fi, love. I mean, I know Jerry, okay? Gave him one of his best jokes ever. And the show was hilarious. And here's what they're talking about.

Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth. You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp. Oh, yeah, Ron? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you. What's the difference? You're their all-time bestseller.

Look at George. He was so good in that fucking role. Too bad he's a political idiot. Him and Rob Ryan would probably blow each other every Friday night. Ugh. Great show. Funny. But Cruz, yeah, stay away from the comedy, please.

You know. I could have met him. I was doing Steve and Crowder's show. He was on the show. And Crowder's on the phone with him a few minutes before. And Crowder's show, I think they've moved it since, was in a residential area. And he's on the phone with Cruz.

And it was like I could hear the phone through this, you know. And I hear Ted Cruz go to his people, do we have time to get over there? They had to go to some event. And the guy's like, no, we better skip that. And he goes, no, I want to do this. And he overruled them. And then he comes in, and I didn't, you know, I should have said I'm a fan.

You know, I appreciate what you do. You're smart. I didn't say anything. Just sat on the couch eating fucking peanut butter stuffed pretzels. It's a true story. I get shy around famous people. Speaking of famous people, here's a cutie pie. Excuse me.

Ocasio-Cortez posts about garbage disposal in posh new apartment. 29-year-old freshman congresswoman posted photos and videos on Instagram showing the apparently terrifying, in quotes, contraption at work in her swanky D.C. apartment saying she'd never seen one before. It was a fucking garbage disposal. Which is the thing. People are going, well, how would she not know? In New York, you know, I know she's from the suburbs,

and I'm guessing she might have lived in the city or but she was up from the town next to where i was living last few years but in the city you can't have garbage disposals they would clog the whole sewer system so uh i don't know why she didn't have one at her house but why is she living in a nice posh apartment in dc miss socialist everybody should live in fucking mediocrity. You should be in a tent under a bridge in D.C., shitting into a Maxwell house can to save the environment. OK, but you got a garbage disposal. Then, of course, she said, oh, is this environmental friendly? Yes, yes, it is.

Let's go back to living like it's 1856 so the sun won't burn us up in three minutes. This poor broad. Anyways, okay, every, she says, okay, everyone, I need your help because I just moved into this apartment a few months ago. And I just flipped a switch and it made that noise and it scared the daylights out of me. I am told this is a garbage disposal. Who fucking told you that? What have you been living in Haiti? I'm told this is a garbage disposal. I'm told by my translator. Uh-oh, retard alert. Retard alert.

I'm telling you guys, a setting has changed over there. These things sound really a little tinny. We'll figure it out later. Again, let me explain this. This is like a radio show. Radio silence is death. I don't care if you have to say something stupid. Chime in. Anybody?

Sure thing, sir. Yeah, thanks. I love how you have to lean 12 feet to your right to talk into the mic. It's my only exercise. Yeah, thanks. I love how you have to lean 12 feet to your right to talk into the mic. It's my only exercise. He was too busy sleeping. Now, that was funny. What's that, Dick? I said he was too busy sleeping.

Yes, I know. What were you doing there, chubby? Fucking beating somebody up at Chick-fil-A because there was no mayonnaise on the sandwich? Can somebody help me out? This thing scared the shit out of me. And what's this thing on my bathroom that i drop a duty in and i push the handle it made a swirling sound i'm used to peeing and shitting in the shower i am told this is a garbage disposal i've never seen a garbage

disposal i never had one any place uh i ever lived which might be possible the green new deal touting uh democrat wanted whether the device was environmentally sound. This D.C. apartment is a bourgeois and has things I've never seen before. Like, you know, a book on how democracy works. Ocasio-Cortez captioned the video later, noting, is this what social mobility is? Using kitchen appliances you never saw growing up? Fucking moron this broad is. There's nothing about that.

I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. The Bronx-born rep ended her Instagram story by quipping, all you people telling me to reach in and grab whatever's in the disposal. Just Republicans trying to test my health insurance. At least she had a sense of humor about it. It's hard not to like her because she's so naive and silly. And let's admit, she has a pretty good, where's the picture where they showed her tits, Jason?

Come on. I didn't know you could do that. That should have been the whole picture the whole time. I wonder if those are environmentally friendly or they made of fucking silicone and rubber from Goodyear and they have the shelf life of two Twinkies. That's sexist, Nick. That's misogynist. It's just what the left doesn't like. I know. And there's more coming for the next ten years. Show's going to blow up like

a fork in her disposal. You ever do that? Throw a bunch of nails in there when you get mad at your wife and disposal and turn it on? You call her into the kitchen? I heard it's a fun thing to do. Anyways, she had a sense of humor

about it, but I can't believe, you know, I've never used tampons. I know what they are. What's this thing? What's this thing with a fucking fuse on it? Two animal rights militants held in Paris over a butcher assault. More left people shoving their way of life down people's throats. This is, you know, this happens everywhere. Don't you love violent pacifists?

That's what these people are. Fucking, you know. Fucking, you know. Two people were facing assault charges Monday after dousing a butcher and his stand with red liquid at a market in Paris over the weekend. The butcher, who specializes in organically raised meat, was at his stall on the covered St. Quentin Market in the north of the Capitol when it was targeted Saturday. I was preparing a client's order. I felt liquid hit me, and I looked up, and there were two Catholic priests. No, I touched my head, and the liquid was quite red, the butcher told the station. I looked up, and there were 15 to 20 people in front of the stand with the slogans, Freedom and Defense for Animals.

The two suspects were to be brought before a judge to face potential charges on Monday. A series of French butcher shops have been vandalized in recent months by anti-speciesism activists. You fucking... Anti-speciesism. Who say eating meat is an immoral violation of the rights of other species. Oh, go fucking shit yourself. But it's all lies.

Last month in court, northern France handed jail terms to two vegan ag for a string of attacks on butcher shops and restaurants selling meat let me tell you, you ever threw something on me or my family or my wife wearing a fur coat which she never would, I can't afford that type of shit I tried to make one out of a raccoon I hit on the Saumel Parkway,

and all I got was slippers out of it. But if you ever, in the name of what you believe in, that's an assault. It's like when they hit Ian Coulter in the face with a pie or some shit. You have a right to go wild, to fucking go wild on these people. I almost hope it happens. I might buy a full-length fur coat when I go back to New York this weekend. Walk down Madison Avenue. Be confronted by three lesbians with fucking mohawks and purple rings through their nose. Here's some blood. I wouldn't fight them. They'd kick my ass, by the way. What the hell? Let's do a little segment I like to call Personal Nick Stories.

We'll take a little break from the news. Because people always say we get a lot of stuff on YouTube. Because I've told a few stories about my life. And they love it. They eat that shit up. They want to know what goes on behind the magic. What can I tell you about my family? My grampy, whose name was Rocco

DiPaolo that's my middle name by the way I was born in 1885 not me him in Italy you think I'm a fucking you think I'm a curmudgeon with a little chip you should have met this guy holy shit just to give you an idea of the type of guy

he was he cut these three fingers off by accident with a table saw. He worked for the United Jew. He was building the building. He ended up working it for the next 40 years. These came right off. Guy told my father he wrapped them in tissue and put them in his pocket. He was trying to finish the board.

He was cutting. Fuck. And if you know him, you know it's true. You know how I know that story is true i was a kid working with him in his garden and uh this is when he was 88 years old and he had a bum leg he fell from three stories when he was building that building and he was in hospital for three three months on they said he wasn't gonna walk again he was you know uh so he walked with a limp anyways he fell and he split his head open while I was working with him as a kid.

So he does what most Italians do because we're people of the earth. He takes a bunch of dirt and packs it in the cut to stop the bleeding. And I mean, it was gushing. I was a little kid. It was scaring the shit out of me. Now he's got mud and dog shit dripping out of his face.

And we're planting fava beans like it's 1860. Like a little kid who was scaring the shit out of him. Now he's got mud and dog shit dripping out of his face. And we're planting our fava beans like it's 1860. Look at them little Vito. That was like at noontime, 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So I grew up next to him. I go down to my parents' house where I lived. I don't know why I call it my parents' house.

And we're having dinner. This is like 5 hours later, 5.30. And I say, Dad, I think you should go up and check on Grampy. He fell down and he cut his head. I is like five hours later, 5.30, and I say, Dad, I think you should go up and check on Grampy. He fell down and he cut his head. My father's like, why don't you fucking, you telling me this now? So I go up with my dad.

We go in the house, walk into the kitchen. My grandma and the grandfather having dinner. My grandfather's sitting there eating with the mud still packed. That's a Guinea Band-Aid, apparently. Never got an infection, know so my father tries to pick him up because they and my grandmother trying to get him to the sink to wrench his head he's literally throwing elbows like he's trying to get a rebound like my father's gonna buy the neck and they're rinsing the fucking mud off his head. No infection.

Nothing. Irrigates the cut with loom. What's the other one I wanted to tell you about why I'm not a criminal? I think I've told this one before. Because I admire people who kind of pull off heists and shit. I mean, not morally, but, you know, it does take some balls. My parents, I was in high school. We had a boat. A fucking 16-foot

fiberglass boat. My dad put 150 black max mercury. They had to reinforce the transit in the back so the engine wouldn't pull the boat back of the boat off. With a steel plate. It went about 58 miles an hour. On the water, that's like going 158.

So my dad says to me, it was a Saturday afternoon. My parents went out every Saturday. Don't touch the boat. So naturally, as soon as they're gone, I call my girlfriend. Meet me down at the dam's port. We're fucking going out in the boat. So I get beers and shit because I'm going to have sex on the ocean. Not really.

The girl never slept with me. Two years. My balls are like the color of this tie. Fucking painful. Fucking Irish-Italian-Catholic chicks in Boston. They're fucking trying to sleep, trying to have sex with them, and they have a crucifix hanging off and swinging it in your face. You go, Jesus.

Go on, go ahead, touch her. I'll send you right to hell right now. This is a threesome? I got to outdo Jesus? So anyways, I get in the boat. She comes down. We take off. To get out to the ocean, you have to go under the, I think it was the Beverly-Salem Bridge. I grew in the town next to it.

So anyways, we get to the bridge, and there's a big boat next to me, a tall, one of those tall masts. So they had to open the bridge. They had to open the bridge, stop traffic so this tall boat could go through. So I go through right after the tall fucking boat and me and the girlfriend have a good time out there and I bring the boat back. Nobody's ever going to know nothing. Eating dinner the next day, my father goes, you enjoy the boat? I go, what are you talking? I couldn't even even lie I just started smirking I go well I didn't touch it he goes did I tell you not to I go how the fuck I said how the fuck do you know I took the boat I was old enough to talk like that they were on the bridge in their car

they were on the goddamn bridge when the fucking they stopped traffic to open the bridge there's my old man going, hey, look at dickhead. That's why I can't do anything. What are the odds of that fucking happening? That scared me out of a life of crime, you know?

I stopped selling heroin the next day. That's it. I got a couple more that are going to wow you about everybody's requesting me to tell you about the Meldons, the people I grew up with

across the street, an incestuous family. I'm not going to do it today, but Colin Quinn, I did it on my old podcast, said it was the funny, he made me do it at the comedy cellar. And he said it was the funniest thing he'd ever, I couldn't make it up how fucked up this family was, but we'll get into that. We should do a segment, right? Personal stories. You guys can include yours too. Teak, I'm sure you should do a segment, right? Personal stories. You guys can include yours, too. Deke, I'm sure you have some good ones. Write about being at the shooting range and chewing tobacco and taking your sister to the prom a couple years ago. Dad accused of killing newborn after losing video game.

Proving we are the worst species on the planet. On the planet. Well, yes, tigers eat the young. That's because they need more room in the house. Police say a Kentucky dad fatally punched his newborn son after losing a video game. Anthony Trice, 26. seems like a nice guy. That's his yearbook picture in high school. Was home with his one-month-old, one-month-old boy Friday

in Louisville when he lost the game. Who did he lose to? He's playing himself. Frustrated and angry, the dad allegedly hurled his game controller and punched his son in the fucking head. There's something wrong with the black man's mind! There's something wrong with his mind! Well, this guy, not everybody, Trice then allegedly dropped the crying baby on the ground.

The dad left his son to go to the bathroom, then returned to discover that, discover surprise the infant was in distress the authority okay i know there's nothing funny here i'm just saying every day i read something that's more and more distressing i can't for the fucking life of me trice appeared in court monday on charges of murder and criminal abuse of child. He was ordered held on $1 million bond. Yes, we have to give him a fair trial and all that shit, but here's sometimes where I agree with Tay-Ran. They should, you know, yeah, they should take him out in the public square,

downtown, wherever. And, no, kill him. I had this idea, because he's going to get the death penalty, I hope. Or they don't have that anymore on some day. But, and I've said this for years now, you should do it. Never mind fucking Prince and Janet Jackson. Super Bowl halftime, you fry this fucker. Anybody with me?

No? Guys, just like him. Let him sit on death row and all that shit for ten. And then, Super Bowl Sunday, you order your last meal. We get to watch all of it. You know how many people, how many eyes? I would call that a deterrent. You know how many new things to bet on, too?

Yes. There's another one. Exactly. Bet on the last meal. What are the odds that fucking chicken's going to be involved? And grits. And gravy. It goes for all colors.

Whoever gets it, you should do it at halftime. It'll be entertaining. Do you really want to see Maroon 5, or do you want to see this guy foaming from the mouth after killing his infant? Oh, Jesus! I can't. It fucking makes me crazy.

Life, and I'd like to know how he grew up. Life means that fucking little. I'm sure Planned Parenthood was going, ah, it's just an abortion. Oh, you evil son of a bitch. By the way, if you are on death row and you get a last meal, I told you what to order, right?

The never-ending bowl of pasta at Olive Garden. Just keep eating. Keep fucking eating. Keep eating. You done yet? No. You could be there for the next ten. I'm not done.

There's one piece of ziti left. No. Never-ending bowl of pasta. That'll kill you itself. Anyways, you're a scum and a thug. And, uh, Jesus, does that make me mad? What else we got here? Uh, oh, this was...

Teen won't survive after trying a viral, uh, choking game? A heartbroken mother in Indiana. I'm not making fun of it, by the way, but I'm just saying. I have mixed feelings when I read these stories because, and I know this is insulting and shit, but you really are thinning out the herd when kids are eating Tide Pods. Deke, no? Are you that generation? No, I agree with you. Huh? Even with the choking during sex, I know that's... Boy, I've choked a lot of women. It was never in the bedroom. It was always an argument over a card game in the kitchen or... Never did that.

Relax out there. I can hear a few fat girls in their bloomers with mustaches getting upset. Heartbroken mother in Indiana preparing for the death of her teenage son after he was gravely injured while replicating a choking game that he saw on social media. Joanne Jackson Bogart of Evansville said something went horribly wrong

when her son Mason tried to temporarily asphyxiate himself late Wednesday after seeing the practice of self-strangulation or assisted strangulation online. Are these things online? I've never really seen one. Huh?

There's days when I would think about, you know, after coming back from skid marks and buffaloes and making $11 in empty crowds. Honey, could you pull up that choke slash org? That fucking. The challenge is based on the idea you choke yourself to the point of almost passing out and then stop. How do you go further than that? I guess I'm a puss. It's supposed to create a type of high.

Yeah. Unfortunately, it's taken... My wife has tried to choke me many times. I never felt high afterwards. She got high trying to choke me. She was floating on the air for the next week. Lee Presson nails my Adam's apple.

She's gliding on the house on our magic carpet. It's supposed to create a type of high. Unfortunately, it takes the lives of many young people too early, and it will take our precious Mason. Bogart also warned other parents to monitor what their children's view on social media despite concerns that they may be a bit overprotective. She's absolutely right there.

Again, I know the Internet has brought us great stuff, right there. The fucking, again, I know the internet has brought us great stuff, but there is a dark, a deep underbelly that, you know, you do. I can't imagine having kids and trying to keep this, I mean, this, young kids being exposed to fucking porn.

You know? That benefits the guys. The girls like pros by the time they're in ninth grade. But I'm not condoning it. I'm just saying. I'd hate to be a parent today. That's all I'm saying. I caught my dog watching Latinos Housewives.

She was humping my leg three minutes ago. 82 children between ages of 6 and 19 died after playing the so-called choking game between 1995 and 2007. Evansville Courier and Press citing a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report with the agency's most recent statistics, 71 of the victims were male. I guess that proves who the dumb agenda is. And the average age was just over 13. You've got to be kidding me. Which noted that serious neurological injury or death can result if strangulation is prolonged.

Well, yeah, but I thought you would death can result if strangulation is prolonged. Well, yeah, but you would, I thought you would have got that message after the first one. I mean, you're on the internet out there. You had to have read that. The earliest known death due to the stunt took place in 95, with three or fewer deaths following in each year between, so it's starting to wane. Slow learners. Between 95 and 2000. A total of 22 deaths were recorded in 2005, followed by 35 fatalities in 2006.

And maybe we can get this video to Eric Swalwell and make him watch it. Do us all a favor. And among the 42 deaths in which sufficient details were put, 92% of the victims' parents said they didn't know about the choking game until their child died. And I don't blame the parents on this one. They're working 60, 70 hours a week to feed their kids, and you can't watch them all the time. I mean, God damn it. So don't choke yourself. Boy, the times have changed, you know.

When I was a kid, it was don't choke your chicken. You know, you'll go blind. I don't mean to make light. What the hell else I got here? Super chat, please. Perfect timing. I needed it. Ripping through these stories like...

You got about six here. Dingo Southern said, Nick, with all the street shitting done by non-whites, is white nationalism an evil ideology? With all the street shitting? I guess that's a thing now. First of all, white people shit on the street. I don't know what he's talking about. Homeless people. I don't know what he's talking about.

Like San Francisco? They have an app that tells you where the human feces is? That's what I gathered. Huh? That's what I gathered. I don't know how that's a racial thing. Especially on the West Coast. When I went to Seattle the first time,

I get furious. Every other homeless person was a young white kid. He's got $4,000 worth of tattoos on both arms. And he's got a cup out. He's wearing fucking Michael Jordans. Fuck you. Get up. You're white.

What's your a cup out. He's wearing fucking Michael Jordans. Fuck you. Get up. You're white. What's your excuse? Next. We were honored to have Vice President Joe Biden in the chat. He said, anybody want to swim in my pool? Anybody want to swim? Swim with the naked, naked with the Secret Service people around. Okay.

Again, that's a story from seven years ago, but I'm glad we revived it. I'd go in the pool with Joe Biden, as long as he didn't sniff the chlorine in my hair after in the locker room. Yeah, he must be well hung. He was jumping around. I guess it was probably broads in the room. I wouldn't do that. You know, if I had a big cock, I would never put pants on.

I'd come here pantless and shit, but nobody excited over an average penis, and below average when it's fucking flaccid. Go ahead. NH Guns and Ammo LLC Juicy one here said I would sex AOC There I said it Meaning have sex?

I would sex AOC Well yes, I hope you would I would hate to think some of my guy fans wouldn't out there You know Again, she's got the teeth of a fucking alligator and the eyebrows of an Ayatollah and the politics of Bernie Sanders. But other than that, I'd put duct tape over her mouth,

show her how to work the disposal, and say, you owe me a blowjob. Next. Uncle Chunky said, thank you so much for the free shows and specials. Thanks for speaking your mind and stepping up to the PC people. You are quite welcome, and thank you for supporting it.

It's really – there's a need for it, folks. There's a need for it. Somebody said online, I told you this, it still sticks in my – oh, he's just filling a niche and doing it for the money. It's shameful. Some young comic with 11 followers. And I go, well, my open – I was like this my second open mic. People are like, you're politically incorrect. It's just my worldview.

Sorry, the best thing that ever happened to me is Donald Trump getting elected and Tommy Nicky, my manager, and then my wife. She's quite a gal. Also, Suzette Live Talk said, Nick, shout out from Southern California. Love you. And then Matthew Holland said, Florida, man. Wait a minute. One at a time.

Cheesy. What the fuck? You think I'm used to getting up at 6? I get up at 630 in the morning now. I've been sleeping till noon for 32 years. I don't need a fucking pop quiz. Read the first one again, Rich. Nice and slow. Nice haircut.

Suzette, live talk. As Colin Quinn says, you look like a bird that just got in a fight. Can we put a camera on that butcher job? Jesus Christ, who did that? Go ahead. Suzette, live talk said, Nick, shout out from Southern California. Love you. When a girl says love you,

my first reaction is how tall are you? What are you weigh? Do you know how to use a garbage disposal? Do you believe the climate change is going to end the earth in 12 years? I don't think. Southern kale, though. Good luck out there.

You're going to be killed by a homeless guy. Step on a needle. Go ahead. Matthew Holland wraps it up with saying, Florida man here. Best special I've seen in a long time no fear love it uh no fear that's not a bad name to give my wife i know i appreciate it what was the guy's name the last guy matt holland matthew holland matthew thank you so much uh Just saying what I believe. That's what comedy used to be about. And nobody's doing that anymore.

P.C. P.C. political correctness has been in the making forever. OK, this is you're watching it come to fruition with this craziness. And, you know, between that and, you know, Hollywood just turning back their backs on guys like me and stuff, it's a cause now. I love it. We're the counterculture, okay? The Lenny Bruces will come from our side, not – did somebody just touch my mic? I can hardly hear myself. What the fuck happened?

Hello? Oh, God. You did too, D. I did not. You dropped a fucking cookie on it or something. I don't know what happened. It just got quiet. We're going to have to check this out.

Anyway, I'm going to end it on that. Thanks for plugging the special. And again, go to nickdip.com where you can view it there on YouTube. We're up to over 40,000 views in a half a day and couldn't be more excited. There is a need for it. People are sick of

having their conservative views squashed. I'm not even a conservative, folks. They labeled me that. They bring it up so many times I don't argue with them anymore. They labeled me that. I lean right, but know, I lean right. But, again, I'm not a psycho. You know, I'm not a fucking religious right-wing pro-life.

That's not, you know. Colin Quinn said it best. He goes, I said, keep calling me conservative. You know, I'm not a political comic. He goes, no, but when you tell a joke about McDonald's, people can tell how you voted. So I'm a traditionalist. I'm for common sense, whatever. This thing's getting quieter.

We have to fucking chat. I don't know what happened. That is it for the show. So, again, thank you so much for making it a great debut. Let's get those numbers through the roof, okay? I had a bunch of famous people tweet it for me and some that were afraid to. They're the ones, you know, and these are, I'm not going to mention a few stand-ups who are afraid because they're in show business,

and they know if they endorse my stand-up, which is anti-Hollywood lib, it's going to hurt their careers. But I want to tell you, you don't have a career yet. It's all changed. Show business changed. You don't have to do this. I don't live in New York anymore because I don't need New York City anymore. It's all splintered.

We all find our own groups, and the Internet has made that possible. So if you're living in your state that you hate and you're in the business, Nate Bergazzi, great comedian. I think he still lives in Tennessee. Is he from Tennessee? I believe he does it all from – and he said, why would I move? So take a note from him, all right? But I appreciate the support. And all the shows are free this week.

And don't forget, though, to Cameo.com if you want me to mini-roast a friend of yours or whatnot. Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Remember, you guys keep thinking it. I'll keep saying it. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Take care of yourselves. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 ¶¶ I'm out.