The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden To Be Booted Off Ballots? | Nick Di Paolo Show #1501

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Ballot nonsense, a "stocking stuffer" and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 I am like God and God like me I am as large as God He is as large as God. He is as small as I. He cannot above me, nor I. Beneath him be. Hi. I don't know why I played that.

It's the first button I hit. I don't even fucking look at it. How are you, folks? Welcome. Let me say it right at the top of the show, because I'll forget it to say it at the end of the show. This is our last show until January 2nd. That's when we'll be back. So mark that down. I know you're going to miss me. Funny, handsome, tiny cock. Listen. Yeah. So I just want to remind you that because, like I said, I put some of this in my coffee and who knows?

By the end of this, me and Dallas will have our pants off. Yeah. Not to do with that. We me and Dallas will have our pants off. Yes! Not to do with that, we're just going to have our pants off. Yeah, no we're not going to touch each other. Yet. Yet. This guy, okay Dallas, that's a laugh. Ah, the homosexuals.

Anyways, great to be with you. Great to be with you. Great to be with you. It is the holiday season, Christmas, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think the last time it meant anything, again, was when Jesus was actually born. Then Walmart jumped right in like two weeks later. Anyways, I'm buying my wife some myrrh. But holiday, Christmas around my house, very Italian, very tension-filled. Fucking grouchy dad. It was sort of like this.

You were just here. I was not. Yeah, you were. You were on my lap five minutes ago. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. Now you're going on Santa's list and you're getting nothing. Fuck you, Santa.

Bye. Yes, you are. Now you're going on Santa's list and you're getting nothing. Fuck you, Santa. Hey! That was my dad. Fuck you. Why is Dad in a bad mood? Because he tried to put a bike together for you until 4 a.m. and the fucking directions were in German. Ended up making a leaf blower. Fuck you, Santa.

I fucking love it. Uh-oh. This is a Bing Crosby special. Johnny Mathis. Stroke of my lick of my suck of my cock. It's the first time for you. My mom wrote the lyrics and they had the music. It went platinum.

Guys, you like the lyrics. Bernie Tocco wrote it. Just get on your knees Start licking and slipping My dick will get burned Soon you'll be tasting sperm I never let it play that long. All right, that was gross, folks. But quite a song, nonetheless. We always had Johnny Mathis, my mother, you know. Back in the 70s when I was a kid,

Johnny Mathis, you guys might know who he is. He was like a track star atis. You guys might know who he is. He was like a track star at USC. Like an All-American. He was a fag. Nobody knew back then, but what a beautiful voice. My father used to fucking snap. Again?

Again with the fag, Yam? What? Dad, come on. It's Christmas. I'll be home for Christmas. That's how he used to say it. Anyhow, what the fuck else? Got some good stories for you today. Actually, that Dirty Christmas song sort of actually goes with the story we're doing later about guys get injured sexually around the holidays because people have sex more. Was it George Carlin?

He said, nobody has sex on Thanksgiving. Oh, is it Stephen Wright? Because the coats are on the bed? One of those two. Fucking coat never stopped me. All right, enough of the horse shit. Let's do a little bit of news. Folks, this is the last show of the year of 2023.

So, you know, we're going to fuck around. I tell them, we'll touch on a few stories. But you know, the fucking big story that's overshadowing anything is the Colorado Supreme Court and the fucking balls to try this. Which everybody, I'm almost hoping, I'm almost hoping, I don't want to say this. We're assuming the Supreme Court's going to go, oh, that's fucking ridiculous. That's what everybody's saying, even legal scholars.

And I'll bet you right now that that fucking Supreme Court justice, the black woman who can't define, Katani Jackson can't define what a woman is, guarantee, guarantees she's for what Colorado was trying to do. Anybody want to bet me out there? It'll be an annoyingly close vote. Which it shouldn't be. It should be. Seriously, Greg Gutfeld made a great point. Somebody, it's going to expose.

This is like a litmus test, especially if you're a Republican, on how you feel about the Constitution. Because you get Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, who hate Trump, and Romney. It's going to tell. Either way, no matter what they say, if they disagree, you know. Oh, so you never really believed in the concept. You've just been bullshitting your whole life. So it's going to expose a lot of people. Anyways, tit for tat, some Republican officials outraged by the Colorado Supreme Court's decision

to boot Trump off the state's primary ballot have suggested doing the same, get this, off the state's primary ballot, have suggested doing the same, get this, to President Biden in their states, which I fucking love. Finally, finally a little pushback. Is this what it took? Some unconstant, literally a third world dictator move for you guys to get off your fucking ass? Good idea. So I think this is, yeah, this is Lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick.

He's always he's got a he knows what's going on, but here's what he had to say. Maybe we should take Joe Biden off the ballot in Texas for allowing eight million people to cross the border since he's been president, disrupting our state. Not a bad idea. Yeah, a lot of Republicans came out on social media. Many Republicans peddling the tit-for-tat idea suggested it as, I can't wait to hear what Chris Christie has to say, excuse me, as a thought experiment to give Democrats a taste of their own medicine rather than a serious legal undertaking. What do you mean? Why not make it illegal? legal undertaking. What do you mean? Why not make it illegal?

While condemning the Colorado decision, Florida Governor Ronnie DeSantis pondered aloud what the... You know, he's no Trump fan. He's running against it. Whatever. But he, obviously, he's smart enough politically to go, this is ridiculous.

I didn't hear... Did Christie make a statement on this yet? He's probably tossing and turning in his stable last night. Fucking oat-eating pig. DeSantis pondered aloud what the limiting principle would be for that policy. Here's Ronnie D weighing in on it. There was no trial on any of this. They basically just said, what, you can't

be on the ballot? I mean, how does that work? What's the limiting principle for that? Why could could we just say that Biden can't be on the ballot because he let in eight million illegals into the country and violated the Constitution, which he has? Could we just say, oh, well, they have money coming to Hunter, whatever? Yes. I say this calls for action and now. Yes. So one could argue that since Biden made a deal with Iran to free up their billions of dollars in funds that he gave aid and comfort to the enemy.

That's not even a stretch. And if you have no legal standard, then you have to accept any judge that says that, right? As public health policy analyst Pradeep Shankar, I got a Shankar once. Oh, it was with a Vietnamese girl. The standard obviously was always meant to be some standard-like conviction in court or impeachment. Otherwise, there's no legal standard or due process. Am I right?

I am. Finally, you people. I wonder who came up with it first. Probably the lieutenant governor. Because Texas has had enough of the horseshit. We got a story coming up. Abbott once again comes up with another move to torture Chicago. In all you lib-run cities that call yourself sanctuary cities,

boy, you've been wrong about everything. For the last, I'd say, 10 years. Really, 100 years, but I'll go with 10. I'll be nice to you. Okay? You're so fucking wrong about everything. How does it feel? And I'm sure you feel the same way

but the difference is people on the right we have the truth to point to and yet you guys it's kind of creepy i still smell war you got my musket in the car i will uh anyways excuse me hey in the second half of the show boys and girls i'm going to be talking about what Governor Abbott, aforementioned Governor Abbott of Texas, he's sending a Christmas gift to that communist mayor in Chicago via airmail. And also, I'll show you a clip of my new favorite senator, J.D. Vanceance destroying a liberal AP reporter. I think it was an AP reporter. Just destroying.

It's worth sticking around for. That's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nick-a-shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com. Click on store. Thank you guys so much.

See you soon. And now for something completely different. I have a few people. Look, I'm not on X anymore because I couldn't behave on X. And my manager, it's what he's supposed to do. He sees the quality of getting the word out about the show, you know, a marketing tool. I used to love tweeting funny shit

and seeing how much response it got, but then I got shadow banned about a week after I was on it, and so it really wasn't worth my time, and then I said, Jack Dorsey, I hope you get, I think I said, fucked in the ass by the Detroit secondary the second and third and first or whatever I went off and I had like nine drinks of me went nuts

I get a call from Tommy are you in a bar right now so then they made an arrangement where I have to go through Tommy and he protect and then I said I'm not even doing it anyways one of the people I did follow because she was on Kumia once in a while and absolutely loved.

She's like a version of Marissa Torme and my cousin Vinny, only with a filthy mouth, just as cute. And you guys might find that a turn off, you conservative crowd of fans, but it makes me harder than a whale's tooth

when a girl talks like this with a Bronx, New York accent. It's like the words and the accent were made for each other. Here's Tina from the Bronx giving her opinion about what's going on in the world. Okay, so let's talk about Colorado

and how afraid the Democrats are for us to vote on people. This isn't up to those third world cunts that made this decision. Okay, this is up to the people. They shouldn't have a say. They get an all out of the playbook of the communists. The communist playbook. It is. It's right for Marx. Once this hits Supreme Court, it's going to be overturned. But if Democrats controlled everything, it would stand.

That should fucking scare you. It should scare each and every one of you. What a joke that this decision is. Afraid to let us vote. It's our decision. We the people. This needs to be reversed. It needs to be reversed quickly.

And it needs to stop. It needs to fucking stop. What are you afraid of? You're so afraid of Donald Trump. Why? Because our country was good on them. It was safe. It was flourishing. So like I said, Trump 2024, motherfucker.

Fuck out of here. And fuck you third world fucking cunts. Somebody get me a towel. I thought I'd throw that here on Christmas. So why haven't we had her on the show yet? My producer.

That's Tommy. No. You can fucking, if you see somebody, this one, it's my fault. I don't even think Tommy knows Tina. I don't know. Well, please, honestly, write it down. Seriously, write it down on a piece of paper so

when we come back, we call her first. Because I talked to her when she was on Comia. She digs my vibe, man. What about Sammy Davis? I'll tell you. Who can make the sunrise and dip it in some juice.

The Candyman can. Tina from the Bronx. Good for you. What, I wouldn't fucking put her on the ticket? Oh, my God. We'll be in World War IV, V, and VI. Anyhow, yeah, I thought she laid it down beautifully. Quite a pundit.

They should have her on Fox. That'd be hilarious. Let's lighten up the mood. Stocking stuffer is the headline. This is interesting. Dallas found the story in Blue Boy. Is that still around? There's a magazine for gay guys called Blue Boy.

Remember? Back in the fucking, when I started comedy, that was a big reference. For many Christmas, it says, for many, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but doctors have warned the festive season is also associated with a significant increase in embarrassing injuries in the bedroom. Could you take the fun out of everything? Really? This was necessary? Penile fractures. What are you kidding me? It sounds like to break your dick sounds like fun. I mean, not the actual break, but getting to the break. You know what I mean? Penile fractures are considered. It happened to me, boy, in college. My dick, it looked like Joe Theismann's leg. I was banging a real heifer. She fell off the bed. Penile fractures are considered

a medical emergency and are often heralded by an audible crack. Picture Barry Bonds getting a hold of one. Followed by severe pain, according to urologists, at the Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich, Germany. Leave it to the Germans. Unfrigging believable. Snapping your dick. And this ain't it happens more around the holidays. There's more fucking going on.

Santa, you know what I want for Christmas this year? What? A big fat cock in my ass. I probably lost the last crowd of conservative watchers. They warn such injuries are caused by a forceful bending. You really have to explain it to us. I didn't think somebody got slammed in the car door. They warn such injuries are caused by a forceful bending of the erect penis during, yeah, it's hard to bend

the fucking flaccid one, although I've given it many a shot. Erect penis during an aggressive sexual intercourse featuring unusual sexual positions. You think this is going to stop? I don't, I'm married. It doesn't even, this would change two days a year for me.

Okay? But, you know, can know imagine hearing an audible pop. Oh wait Was she a great big fat person? Hit the wrong button it was even funnier In addition to the audible crack and severe pain they are also followed by rapid loss of erection. Again, thanks. Swelling and bruising. Picture a girl who gets battered by her boyfriend. The doctor's at it.

They found penile fractures increased. I had a high sprain once. I was day to day. Increased during the festive period. Adding, this is so silly. If every day was like Christmas, and isn't it for some people, 43% more penile fractures would have occurred in Germany. How about everywhere else?

Just in Germany? I think they're right, because in the Golden Glove, which you guys still haven't watched. Want to see a guy break his penis? Would have occurred in Germany from 2005 onwards. Sprechen Sie Deutsch und Sieg. The study published

in the British Journal of Urology International also found penile fractures increase during weekends. Yeah. Unless you're a fucking nerd. And over the summer, but not during New Year's Eve, they throw that in.

Because probably everyone's trashed and can't get it up. Of course. That's what cocaine is for. What better way to ring in the New Year? Fucking wet noodle. I had, again, I had some type of injury to my, it might have been a groin pull, and I was telling my buddy on the phone, because I had a girl coming over, this is when I first

moved to New York, and I had a girl coming over, and I said, yeah, I don't even know if I can have sex, and my buddy goes, the great ones play hurt. And at that moment, you're like, nope, no choice. Got to go. No, exactly. I iced it down. I put it up on a pillow. You got to keep it elevated. That's her job. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Sorry, Jimmy. What's the matter with you? Anyhow, for those of you guys on Mug Club right now,

stick around for the second half of my show. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show. Get the great Steven Crowder's full show and a whole lot more. And God bless them. They put a sizzle reel out there i guess of me some of my stand-up highlight clips um i i you know as far as uh may 11th it's already almost a couple hundred tickets sold that's six months away whatever the fuck so that's not a bad starting. Maybe Gay William is right. I don't know. Anyways, where was I? Yeah.

Stick around for the rest of this show and crowd us. And again, you should subscribe to Monk. I'm not just saying it. Alex Jones is on there, for Christ's sake. What more do you want? Also, while you're at my website, nickdip.com, click on the tour button, and you'll see I'll be at the aforementioned Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey on May 11th.

And it's a big joint, folks. Let's do the best we can to fill it. Don't bring cardboard cutouts in and shit like they did during COVID in the hockey game. Boy, I'm on fire, aren't I, jerk-off? Get out of the way. guitar solo Outro Music