The Nick DiPaolo Show - Biden's Border Bluff | Nick Di Paolo Show #1581

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about the Laptop from Hell, Cali employing illegals and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder’s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Welcome, folks. The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. Oh, an oldie but goodie. Welcome on a Wednesday. Tomorrow, an episode of Bitchin' Kitchen for you. Stuffed bell peppers. And a little bonus material.

And a little bonus material. A little surprise in there. I won't tell you what it is, but let's just put it this way. It involves me nude and a lawnmower. And midgets. And midgets. And midgets. Forgot the midget. How can you forget the midgets?

Not only midgets, black and brown ones. That's right. We like to promote diversity around here. That's right. We take care of the midgets, the dwarfs, the small people. Why don't we just call them people with giant heads? Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, great to be with you. I think you can hear the excitement in my voice.

Dallas is off to Disney World? Orlando to pick up my son, and then we're going to give him a little surprise. Oh, he doesn't know about that? He has no idea. Tremendous. I hope there's some protesting going on and shit. You can get some footage for the show. It'll be Guatemala all over again.

Yeah. Have him get a picture with Mickey Mouse and Mickey will grab his ass or something. The next thing you know, you're all in the fucking teacups. Never been there. If you don't have kids, you shouldn't be going grab his ass or something. Next thing you know, you own the fucking teacups. Never been there. If you don't have kids, you shouldn't be going there, by the way. Let me just put it that way.

If you're hanging out by yourself as an adult there, you're creepy. I say that about Little League coaches and fucking my old buddy Zook. Man, he picked up on that about 1985. I don't give a fuck. Zook, man, he picked up on that about 1985. I don't give a fuck. Any guy fucking who's a Cub Scout master or he, and I know, well, not my crowd. You guys are with me, but I know you can hear the libs going, not everyone.

No, but too many to take a chance. Whatever. Go fuck yourself. You're not even here and I'm telling you to go fuck yourself. All right, let's get to it. You know, we just got over the Trump thing, that fucking fiasco, and now Hunter Biden to balance it out. And I told you yesterday, my prediction was he'll get some type of conviction and it'll be a slap on the wrist. That way they can say, well, look, he got convicted, so did Trump. What bias is he talking about? Shut it. Everything they do is an insult to our intelligence. Laptop from hell. For the first time Tuesday, first son, Hunter Biden's notorious laptop from hell,

whose scandalous contents were first reported by The New York Post. Miranda Levine, who she broke all this shit. God bless her. Nearly four years ago was was shown, can you imagine? They said it didn't exist. Then they said it was Russian disinformation. Rudy Giuliani proved it wasn't right because he got a hold of it, the hard drive. And now even CNN has to admit it. But there's no apologies. No, we got this one wrong. But what more do you need to know? Anyways, the Post found this out four years ago. It was shown to a jury of his peers, that's 12 people wiping their nose and rubbing their

gums and grinding their teeth, with federal prosecutors making it a key part of their case accusing the president's child of illegally owning a gun while addicted to drugs. Can we stop calling him a child? Prosecutors from the Office of Special Counsel David Weiss must prove to jurors that Hunter, 54 years old, no child, intentionally lied on a gun application form by claiming he didn't do drugs when he purchased a Colt Cobra revolver on October 12th of 2018 when the Red Sox were beating the shit out of the Dodgers for another World Series a time when prosecutors say he was in the middle of a serious crack cocaine Dependency who's gonna fucking argue that?

Tendency. Who's going to fucking argue that point? We've got good stuff here. Classic shit. The feds were quick to begin using information extracted from the laptop, again, which they said didn't exist, to lay out a timeline of when they say Hunter was using before and after he bought the firearm. That should be very easy to do.

There's so much shit on that laptop of him high with fucking hook and shit. To put a timeline, hey, I watch the Identity ID Network. That's all they do is timelines. Those are great, aren't they? At 9.35, she talked to her boyfriend. The coroner said she was probably dead 10 hours. That

puts it at 11 a.m. So between 9.30 and 11 a.m., Hunter was using before and after he bought the firearm, which only, he only owned for 11 a.m. So between 9th and 11 a.m., Hunter was using before and after he bought the firearm, which he only owned for 11 days. That's not suspicious. Federal Judge Mariela Noriega ruled before trial that prosecutors do not need to prove the Biden son was high when he bought the gun, but only that he was generally using around that time, which makes sense. That actually makes sense. Jensen explained that information on the computer was cross-checked against information taken from the Biden's son's iCloud account,

which investigators had obtained through a subpoena issued to Apple, FBI agents were able to extract mountains. Speaking of mountains, that's not a Cause Light commercial. Of data from the MacBook, including text messages and WhatsApp messages detailing Hunter's drug use. On Tuesday, the jury was shown a 2018 message that Hunter sent to his dealer, Clifford O'Brien, saying, can you get baby powder? The real soft stuff. Yes, sir. Well, maybe his bum

was hurting. That's what it is. This guy does a lot of gum, gum, gum. Holy shit. Who can say Advil PM last night? Knocked over a cup of coffee at my house and here. It just fucking... Anyways.

In a message from April 28, 2018, the first son sent a photo of a digital scale with a heap of white powder on top, implying he'd been ripped off at a cocaine transaction. That's how you know he's high. He's sending this shit over the internet, right? They were also shown two video clips from the laptop. In one clip, the first son held a crack pipe.

You know what? And again, if I was him, I think I'd be doing the same shit. He's just Charlie Sheen of the DC version. In one clip, the first son held a crack pipe while lounging on a bed. And in the second, a pipe could be seen behind the younger Biden. Oh, God. Forgot the best sound effects.

So, yeah. And again, my prediction. He'll get convicted of something, whatever, and then slap on the wrist do no time maybe house arrest where he can do more blow and they'll be able to say look meanwhile trump we don't know what his sentence is they're talking about jail and shitting making him pick up trash and i dare you i dare you do you know he would love that do you? He would be shaking hands, picking up trash. Everyone would come out and actually try to help.

Oh, my God. He would be out there with four other black dudes in jumpsuits with a nail on a stick. What are you going to do? Look at this. Notice their Newport packages? Fucking Mountain Dew bottles. What's that say? Nothing.

No offense, fellas. Unbelievable. So just that say? Nothing. No offense, fellas. Unbelievable. So just remember something like that. They're going to... I don't even know what the... July 11th is when he gets his sentence. And let's pray. Let's pray. I mean, after seeing how they treated him

during the fucking thing, it wouldn't be such a huge surprise. The fucking egos on these nutcases. And let's say he's not going to do it, but let's say they did give him some jail time. Well, how long? What would it be? What's the. Well, they were saying four years for since he was not a first time felon and all that stuff, the maximum four years. But, yeah, that'd be it.

And they don't, and history shows when people get convicted of something this innocuous and they have no record, a previous record, they do no time. But no one's ever even been convicted. We're going to show you a clip coming up a little later of a woman on CNN. They say she's a stand-up comedian too. Who the fuck isn't? Can I just say this about my profession?

There's people, well-accomplished people in life. I'm talking doctors, lawyers. They would rather be known for being funny and having the word comedian under it. It's fucking great. And there's only about 10 of us that deserve the title. Even the 40,000 comics, you go out at a club every night. Most of them don't even know what the fuck they're doing. Does that sound like I'm blowing my own? Yeah, it does. But they want to be known as fucking funny. It's funny. Even my doctors, when I go, oh, yeah. Then they go, then they tell you a joke, and you

go, I don't tell street jokes. I write material. Now, get your hands off my nuts. Relax. Do your job. Exactly. I don't want Shecky Green as my primary care physician. I'll tell you those are nuts

and soft anyways second half of the show uh I just teased one of the stories a CNN guest gets embarrassed on national tv by Piers Morgan is that his name yeah and a tribute to a gay pride month we like to be inclusive here We can't forget the fags. So we'll do a little tribute, which includes a Norm MacDonald bit that I'll play every gay month until they stop doing the stupid stuff because it's so goddamn funny.

Let's move on, shall we? Everybody knows you never go full retard. Holy God. In our West Coast stupid segment tonight, Reform California. I'm sorry, I didn't finish the rest of the announcement. Get full episodes of Nick DiPaolo's show and louder with the crowd of four days a week,

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See you soon. West Coast Stupid. Reform California chairman Carl DeMeo is blasting an assembly bill. Why would you be in politics living in California? What the fuck? That Democrats in the California state legislature, those three words are going to chill up your ass, are proposing. Here he is explaining what they have in mind. Listen to this law that they want to pass in California. It's even fucking shocking for them.

The Democrats just passed in the Assembly and now awaits action in the state Senate a bill to instruct the largest state government agency in California, the University of California system, our colleges and universities, to hire illegal immigrants, to break federal employment law they are telling the managers of state government to break knowingly break federal employment law

which is very clear that it is against federal law for an employer to hire knowingly someone in this country that's not authorized to work. Watch out because I'm... Just succeed. Just say you're your own nation. You're big enough. You can't have our military, though, since you despise that, too. Fuck off.

This is actually good for Trump because it's hardworking Latinos looking for jobs and black people and in white working class that could use those jobs but your government in California is going fuck you these guys are here illegally we put their criminals were putting them ahead of your needs California just break the fuck off somebody just get a jackhammer and go right along the border so it just floats off like the turd that it is. Fucking honest to God. And we're still calling them the Democrat Party or liberals. How about a fucking criminal enterprise? DeMeo said even the University

of California board, can you imagine how liberal they are? The regents and the University of California system. You can't get any more far left than that. Which have a board of directors that the governor appoints backed away from this proposal a year ago because university attorneys said the bill was going to create legal problems. Of course it is. You know how liberal those people are? Even they were saying, this is

off the reservation, man. It's a violation of federal law and an open and shut case. And because the UC board of directors chose not to implement this policy now, California now politicians in the state legislature want to mandate it by passing this law. This is insane, the mayor says. It's offensive. Taxpayers should not be giving state government jobs to illegal immigrants in the state of California or anywhere else. On top of all the welfare benefits, all the other goodies that they have. And who do you think pays for this shit, folks?

Do you understand that's your money? That's taxpayer money. All the other shit given out, he says, and I think he's had enough. I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore. That guy looks like a gay Ray Liotta. He's on our side. Yeah, exactly. Why'd you do that board of regencies it's all i had let's move on uh headline too little too late shithead the biden administration and boy did

this one out of all of them got me even more bubbling than the story I just read. The Biden administration is quickly, they did this yesterday, invoking an authority to shut off access to asylum for migrants who crossed the U.S.-Mexico border illegally. A significant attempt. No, a cynical attempt, it should say. Not significant. Again, this is probably right out of the post. By President Joe Biden to address headon one of his biggest political vulnerabilities. What are we doing? What's going on right now? That's him talking to his handlers every day.

Do you understand what he's doing? Biden unveiled the sweeping executive action. Of course, he blames it on Trump, too. Tuesday afternoon at the White House yesterday, attempting to use an executive action, you know, an executive order, to affect the situation on the border after a bipartisan measure failed earlier this year. They really are brilliant. They came up with this shitty bill months ago that still let tons of illegals, 5,000 a day or more in, and all kinds of other shit baked into it. And the Republicans said, absolutely not. Then they got to blame the Republicans,

saying it was a bipartisan bill, blah, blah, blah. The action marks the administration's most dramatic move on the U.S. southern border as Biden tries to gain the upper hand on immigration just weeks from the first presidential debate. Yeah, and months from the first fucking, the biggest election ever. Guys, do you not see this? It's like the Trump thing. The Trump affair happened 20 years ago.

Oh, but let's bring it up and charge him months before an election. And you guys are sitting there saying, you know, same with this. Now he wants to do something? He broke the fucking border. He's the guy that lights his house on fire, then shows up and puts it out

and wants to be the hero. That's all that is. It's fucking, it's an insult to your intelligence. It is such an insult. By using the same authority former President Donald Trump to use in office. The White House announced the action would take effect at midnight. That was, in other words, it's in effect today.

In a speech at the White House, Biden said, it's funny how they put that one right into action 10 minutes after he said it. In a speech at the White House, Biden said, and here it comes, Republicans in Congress who blocked a bipartisan border deal left him no choice but to take executive action. What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. For years, people have been saying, take executive action. Yeah, I can't.

It is such an insult. I've never seen, and this is how you know it's not coming from him. Because the guy, if it was, you know what I mean? He would never. He's just reading what they put in front of him. He has no idea how stupid, he's not capable of thinking how past the first, fuck, the title of the bill. I'm moving past Republican obstruction, wrote somebody for him, and using the executive authorities available to me, which he said he didn't have, as president to do what I can on my own to address the border. You stupid fuck,

you dissolved the border for almost four years. Now you want to believe that we give a fuck? Why don't you talk to all the people, the parents who lost kids to illegals. Talk to those families.

See how they feel about it. Or talk to immigrants who are in line to do it right, if they're even doing it anymore. I mean, who are you shitting? And I got to believe, I have to believe the American people see right through this. Before I go on, for those of you guys on Mug Club, stick around for the second half of this show and this story. Excuse me.

this show, and this story. Excuse me. Everyone else, go to nickdip.com and join to get my full show, The Great Stephen Crowder's Full Show, and a whole lot more. Hi. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. I won't take all that they hand me down And make out I smile though I wear a frown

And I'm not gonna take it all lying down Cause once I get started I go to town Cause I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else, no, no I'm not like everybody else I'm not like everybody else, well I'm not like everybody else And I don't wanna live my life like everybody else And I don't wanna be destroyed like everybody else

And I don't wanna get a job like everybody else Cause I'm not like everybody else See you singing, what are ya? I'm not like everybody else Baby