The Nick DiPaolo Show - Clinton's Raid Revenge | Nick Di Paolo Show #1256

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Dept of Injustice at it again. Clinton gets revenge. KJP liar extraordinaire. Salman Bum-Rushdied. QB to have mystery surgery.

This episode of the Ron Burgundy Podcast is brought to you by the Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonald's. You know that feeling you get driving around town and you're hungry and you start singing, Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Quarter Pounder with Cheese, or as I like to call it, the QPC. And then there they are, those familiar golden arches. And then you realize you're singing at the drive-thru and you feel like an idiot. But who cares? Once they hand you that deliciously cooked fresh beef, crunchy pickles, onions, two slices of melted cheese with ketchup and mustard, you go right on singing. Order the McDonald's QPC, a burger so darn good, it might make you sing. 🎵 How are you folks? Monday, great show for you tonight.

We got Shirley Jones and, oh God, her son David Cassidy, and Buddy Hackett with us. Filthy Mouth comic, very funny out of Vegas. How's it going, folks? Welcome. Filthy Monday. I don't like them. I'm not going to shoot up a classroom like that girl did and wrote a song about it. Well, somebody wrote a song about her doing it.

Maybe I'll just slap a bunch of people in the supermarket. Tell me why. I don't like produce. Tell me. You know, I've been listening to Knocking on Heaven's Door, Guns N' Roses version, for about two months now, a hundred times a day, and I can't get it out of my fucking head. My wife's almost ready to go. Get the fuck out of here. I got the fucking solo. I wife's almost ready to go. Get the fuck out of here.

I got the fucking solo. I'm this far from finishing the seconds. It's a great feeling. Yeah. And what am I going to do with that? I don't know. Play in a garage band? Anyhow, real quick, Red Sox,

they won their first series in the division in the middle of August. They got a little healthy this week, and they beat the Orioles, which is their five games ahead of us, and we took two out of three from the Yanks. Fucking Devers. They're actually, Devers hits an obviously winning home run last night.

It's just a 434-foot blast. If it lands in a bullpen at Fenway, that is a shot. This landed about 15, 20 rolls past. Guy's a freak of nature. Anyways, I'm just saying, Michael Walker, first game back in about two months pitching.

He was perfect through five innings against the Yankees. Anyways, I'm just saying, I don't like to make excuses, but they have been decimated. Now they're pitching back and every, whatever. That's that. Ate pizza twice.

Made pizza twice. I'm at 226. My wife keeps going, yeah, but that's your natural. She's been saying this now for fucking almost 20 years. I was at like 205. I went, wow, I'm over 200. Then it was 210. She's like, well, that's your natural. Then it was 215. Last year it was 220. Now it's 226. I'm 5'9". I mean, my legs are bigger, muscular because of

the fucking, you know what? The testosterone, there's no doubt. at least that's what i keep telling myself as i make more pizza who cares what am i a fag anyways hey guys real quick i want to let you know that i'm going to be leaving the comics gym platform uh if you're a subscriber you'll probably you probably already got an email from me already about moving your support to patreon thank you to everyone who has already done this if you aren't a supporter, please take the time to join me on Patreon. It's too expensive, the other platform. We can't handle the monthly.

For everyone else who watches on the Comics Gym, please find the show on Facebook or Rumble or NickDip.com or one of those one of, it says one of the there spots. One of the there spots. One of the there spots. It's just easier to keep

my subscribers who get exclusive content in one spot. And it's cheaper, actually. Thank you all again and enjoy today's show. Right here, great for the morning from the San Francisco area, big fag. Jesus Christ, this is open like fucking Tony Manero.

Why are you walking, yeah? I can walk you home. You're a cunt, Stephanie, you know that? I'll have a lemon with some tea. That's what he says in a movie when he orders. I'll have some lemon with some tea. Anyways, We Got You Back, Donald

is the first story up today. What does that mean? Well, over the weekend, got you back, Donald, is the first story up today. What does that mean? Well, over the weekend, as you know, the FBI raid keeps evolving that story. And, you know, once again, it looks like you don't know who to believe. But we all know this. It's not about everybody will agree with it. It's not about documents and nuclear, you know,

fucking classified material. It's none of that. Remember Hillary said, remember she took home classified shit. The little C, she didn't know that's what it meant. Remember fucking Sandy Berger walked out of the Congressional Library

with stuff stuck down his, anyways, it's about getting him. Okay? Any way they can. It was efficient expedit- and it seems even more so as this as the weekend went on who know but my point is the the the people are on to this this fucking department of justice being weaponized by shit teeth um i forgot i'm supposed to be kind of funny so you have something to put Well, it doesn't have to be this story, I guess. I don't know.

I got to get a fucking black midget sidekick, something to fucking... I feel like I'm just doing news right now. But anyways, they're trying to fuck him over like they have been always. They're trying to connect this to January 6th. That's all this is about. And my point being, a lot of people down in Mar-a-Lago and all over the country know what's going on. And look at the support Trump had. This is down at Mar-a-Lago this weekend. Tell me they don't tell me they don't. You're going to tell me Biden won the fucking election.

Let's just. 11 o'clock at night. And these people are here to represent. and these people are here to represent let me tell you fan of the show no joke. Is she braindead, that poor thing? Let's go! Wow! Fuck you, Miami! Look at this on a weekend night. Where's Hunter?

Where's Hunter? Where's Hunter? Where's Hunter? Where's Hunter? Where's Hunter? Probably the Four Seasons. I am your voice. We know that, sir. I wonder if he's going to even announce sooner because of all this horseshit.

All I know is I'm getting millions of emails from Trump and his campaign team asking for money, which I would love to send to you, Mr. President, but I don't want the FBI knocking on my door in two months. Or the fucking IRS. Whatever. You know I love you. He was the best guy around. Ain't no doubt about it.

They're out there in Florida. See that? You ever see that many people cheering Biden on anywhere? Other than when he takes a firm dump at the nursing home and the whole place applauds when he comes out of the toilet. Sure. Anyways, what a fucking fishing expedition. And whatever.

You really think they think he has nuclear codes? And wouldn't they have picked up on that like a few days after he'd left? You know what I mean? They're kind of important or whatever. What a bunch of nonsense. You guys suck at playing dirty. You can't even win playing dirty.

You're making Trump out to be this monster. Now he's on steroids. Now the term ultra-maga actually applies because that's what you turned everybody into, man. Even people on the left are like, what is going on? What's going on? Well, why don't you look

the way you voted the last 40 years? Might answer your question, you mamalook. Anyways, let's move on, shall we? The first few stories are all tied to this. Why shouldn't they be? Got the FBI going after a former president. It's never happened in history.

The Department of Justice, or I call it injustice, allegedly took materials. Hey, that was well done. Did you put that in there? Oh, you did? Okay, I guess I'm not that original. The Department of Injustice allegedly took materials that contained privileged attorney-client communications

in its raid last Monday on former President Donald Trump's home at Mar-a-Lago, and even I know you can't break the confidential. For the more, you can all go fuck yourselves. Oh, my goodness. That was Trump's lawyer. The Department of Justice is apparently opposing the appointment of a special master. I don't like the phrase special master either.

Unless I'm in a S&M club. Tied up with a ball gag in my mouth. Say for it is. Ah! say for it is appointment of special master, a judicial official who would conduct an independent review

and decide which materials could be handed over to the government and which materials would have to be returned to Trump and his attorneys. They don't want to do that. The left doesn't want to do that.

You can't handle the truth. I wonder why that is. But you know what? I wouldn't trust whoever does that either. I can't handle the truth. I wonder why that is. But you know what? I wouldn't trust whoever does that either. I think it's a judge. I don't try. You know what I mean? That's why we're where we're at.

We can't find a straight judge. Everybody seems to be, you know, on the global team or whatever you want to call it, the anti-Trump team. They all went to Ivy League schools and they suck cock. That was an Indian lady celebrating her third birthday. Sources familiar with the investigation told Fox News Saturday that the former president's team was informed that boxes labeled A14, A26, A43, A13, and A33, when they told Biden that, he went, bingo! And then he yelled, battleship! You sucked my battleship! And then he shit his pants. A nice, anyway, set of documents, all those seen on the final page of the FBI's property receipt, contain supposedly information covered by attorney-client

privilege. The big thing is somebody tipped them off. Somebody, there's a mole they think at Mara. You remember the Chinese broad they threw out of there wandering around a few years ago? You remember that story? It was a Chinese broad. She was in the house while they were having like a cookout. I feel like calling the FBI, not the FBI, call Trump. You remember that? You might want to check her out again. Anyways, somebody knew where those documents were and whatever. The FBI sees somebody brought up Jared Kushner. His name keeps getting, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but anybody who has a problem with Steve Bannon has a problem with me.

Apparently, they didn't like each other. The FBI sees classified records from Trump's Palm Beach home during its unprecedented Monday morning raid, including some marked as top secret. I have shit marked top secret in my client. Shit I don't want my wife to touch. You know, my sex doll from Japan. But the former president is disputing the classification,

saying the records have been declassified. The attorney-client privilege, folks, do you know what that, the attorney, when you get an attorney and you're talking shit, he can't go spewing that and leaking it. It's a private, private, the attorney-client privilege protected under the right to counsel, guaranteed by the Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution, which we're not following anymore. As Mark Levin said, we're in a post-Constitution world right now. Means that almost any communications from a client to his or her attorney cannot be revealed.

I think we all know that. Counselor, shut your mouth. Counselor, shut your hole. Similar questions about attorney-client privilege surrounded the FBI's seizure of materials in 2018 from the apartment and office of former Trump attorney Michael the Rat Cohen. Remember this douche? A special master.

Oh, they used the special master then. Special master. Sounds like somebody, if you're taking Taekwondo, he's the, right? A yellow belt. A special master ruled that two-thirds of the materials concerning communications between Cohen and Trump were covered by attorney-client privilege and could not be used by the DOJ. Not sure if that's relevant here. Maybe. Oh, Turley, legal scholar, Jonathan Turley, who I like. This guy's, even though he looks like he's checking out a 14-year-old girl in a swing set. Look at that.

Look at the ass on her. It's like a nectarine. Legal scholar Jonathan Turley wrote that the request for the appointment of a special master after the Mar-a-Lago raid seemed reasonable, given the search warrant's broad scope. The request for a special master would seem reasonable, he said, particularly given the sweeping language used in the warrant. It is hard to see what material

could not be gathered under this warrant. Exactly. Yes, sir! That's why it's a fishing expedition. They were taking friggin' cheese graters out of there, underwear, all CDs, a couple of Hollin Oates records. Unbelievable. So there's this theory floating around out there, which

I don't know. Could be true, could not. Anyways, I labeled this Clinton's raid revenge. A guy named Paul Sperry, he's on the internet. I forget what his job is. Sources say Paul Sperry, sources, Paul Sperry saying, sources say Hillary Clinton operatives have been secretly working. Now, how do you get this type of dirt? Does everybody leak on everybody? Have been working secretly with archives officials and the Justice Department for several months now

in a behind-the-push for the investigation of Trump as revenge for Clinton being investigated for mishandling classified materials in her email gate scandal. Why would anybody doubt that with the fucking Clinton's history? Look at her. I look at her, you know, and I see John Gotti. I see a fucking mob boss.

I swear to God. Part of me admires this pig. I don't know. That's a powerful woman. The rest of you open a fucking flower shop. I'm empowered. She's having people whacked. I don't want to hear it. Thick-ankled dog face. Look at her.

She's telling her capos right now. I want to see Michael Cohen. Never tell anybody outside Chappaqua what's going on. Email gate skip. The Clinton machine has been agitating. Never tell anybody outside Chappaqua what's going on. Email Gates. The Clinton machine has been agitating. This has to be true if it's been going on for months. They've been agitating for this since January, said one source familiar with the matter.

And Hillary heard that. Of course. And I say to you, you bitch. You're a loser. You'll always be a loser. That's right. You don't think she's still pissed? They tried to hinder the presidency,

and she got beat by a novelty act. You don't think that makes her balls all rashy and itchy? Red? Cranky? Sure it do. You got the neck of the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Look at those eyes. God.

She must hit the sauce. Her throat looks like my testicles in February when I run out to take the garbage out of my underwear. Sources say the FBI agents and officials who are involved in the raid on former President Trump's homework, home, there should be a comma, work in the same counterintelligence division of the FBI that investigated Trump in the Russiagate hoax.

Did you hear that, folks? And are actively under criminal investigation themselves. The people who raided, they're under criminal questioning by special counsel, my favorite U-boat commander, John Durham. There he is. Clank, you are an idiot. For potentially abusing their power, investigating Trump and the Russian fraud, and therefore have a potential conflict of interest

and should have been recused from participating in the supposed espionage investigation at Mar-a-Lago. Once again, different roles for different people. These guys are under questioning themselves about Russiagate, which was about Trump. He was the victim there of the Target, and they're in his house going through shit. Have you ever? This is just unfair. Said the gay fella. Mar-a-Lago.

What does that even mean, anybody? I'm so lazy, I wouldn't even Google it. House Intelligence Committee, and my favorite politician of all time, this guy's as solid as a rock, House Intelligence Committee Chairman, Adam. I suck cock.

I love it. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Adam Schiff. Look at that. Look at, he's been bullied. He's still got the swelling from third grade. Getting dodgeballs banged off his stupid fucking pigeon face. Schiff and other Democrat leaders are planning, get this,

to launch their own investigations. Do you do anything for the American people, Cherokov, can I ask you? You're a senator, right? Do you do anything for the american people jericho can i ask you you're a senator right do you do anything to help your constituents i know not me because i hate everything you stamp but is that all you do is bust balls and their own investigations and hold hearings on mar and here's the other thing i don't like republicans are already saying when we take over the house in the midterms we're gonna have open a ton of event we don't like. Republicans are already saying, when we take over the House in the midterms, we're going to have opened a ton of, we don't want a ton of investigations. We want heads to roll.

Well, you got to do an investigation for bullshit. We're going to go all China on you. Fuck that. Iran, hang this fuck. I want to see him hanging from one of those fucking cranes. Exactly, like you see in Iran. Dangling there in his house dress. Fucking queer.

I'm finally getting going on Monday. Oh, by the way, anybody watch UFC this weekend? Oh my... Dude, I was going to call you and see if you were around. I honestly got it.

I was going to pause this fight I was watching. First of all, I watch all the prims. You can tell I don't get was watching. First of all, I watch all the prims. You can tell I don't get off my ass on the weekends. I watch all the prims. The first three fights is three knockouts. I mean, Dana White must be going, this is just the best advertising in the world.

You didn't have to pay for this. It wasn't pay-per-view. You have the ESPN Plus, the app, whatever. Anyhow, anywho. I'm digressing. I realize it. Did you guys see the fight before the big fight, which was a great fight too, by the way? Dominic Cruz versus this guy from Ecuador,

Vera, his last name is. He looked like he was right out of MS-13. Neck, tat, covered. Covered like he was right. Fucking scraggly beard, crazy eyes. Anyways, that was the main event. The fight before it is a black kid from Uganda. He came here when he was 10. So he's American. But I mean, he was blacker than the fucking snow tire. I mean, I mean, you know, what's that got to do? I'm just saying. I'll tell you why. He's pitch black. He's fighting a redneck from Tennessee. A redneck with short blonde hair, bug eyes, Nate Landwehr. Nate Landwehr. He calls himself Nate the Train. Anyhow, I hope you guys didn't record it. Whatever. Anyhow, first round, the black guy knocks Landwehr. I don't mean just stunned him and hurt him a little.

You know how guys get stunned and they find their footing and start fighting again? Knocked him one of these where his arms are down by his side and he goes down face first. Out like a light, right? But while he's down there, if you watch UFC, they always come in and pop you in the face while you're laying there. He popped him in the face and he woke him up. Like doing this. That's how crazy this is I swear to God

Even the announcers go I've never seen that before Next thing you know Nate Landwehr is pounding on this guy Like a fucking And they not They didn't need each other in the face In about the middle of the second round

It's only a three round fight Halfway through the second round Landwehr is beating this guy Even the announcers are going He broke his will I can, he broke his will. I can't, he broke his will. The black guy almost didn't want anything to do with him. But then Nate Landwehr's doing this.

While the guy's on the ground, Landwehr's got his back to him, doing this to the crowd like he's a WWE guy. This guy gets up, and they start going at it again. And he starts landing. Dude, I had nobody to talk to. My late great friend's dead. I was almost crying. It was so sad. I couldn't believe this. And the best part, 20 ways, the fucking redneck wins. Okay. Beats the guy into submission. They go to interview right after the fight, 20,000 people. He goes, Hey y'all, shut up, shut up. It gets all quiet. He goes, hey, y'all, shut up. Shut up. It gets all quiet. He goes, my mama ain't

raised no bitch. Place goes fucking insane. And the guy goes, how did you, you went to the body and the head, you know, how did you execute that against such a great fighter? He goes, I fucking showed up. I'm like, oh my god, I got a new favorite athlete. Oh my, my mama ain't raised no bitch. That's the greatest quote in the history of sports. $20,000. And here's the other thing. It's a black guy fighting a redneck

and it was in San Diego. It sounded like 90% of the audience was Mexican because they would go nuts when the Mexican fighters were. It was so American and so great. You understand? I can't believe people still watch WWE. These are real personalities.

This kid's a fucking maniac. And the guy, the black guy he beat is going to be, I think the kid was only 20. He's going to be a motherfucker because he almost had Nate out in the first round. It's one of my major sports now. I can't fucking help it. No, didn't have to

pay. The app, whatever that cost him. Anyhow, Nate the Train, Landwehr. Remember that name? Because he yaps better than Ali and Terrell Owens put together. He's got a big yap and he takes over every room he goes into. All right, back to this homosexual.

Just the opposite. It's this piece of shit. I want a guy. Investigation to hold hearings on Mar-a-Lago. He wants to do his own investigation. And in the meantime there, why would you even show your face after Russiagate? You know, he still says he has, he still won't let go of that either, that he has evidence.

Do you guys believe this? Nobody's electing him. You stupidest Californian, John, I don't believe they elected him either. They are asking DNI, excuse me, that's something to do with national intelligence. I forget what the D's for, dickhead. Here's me. That's something to do with national intelligence. I forget what the D's for.

Dickhead. Yeah. Haynes, to brief them about what national security secrets the intelligence community may have recovered from Trump. Oh, by the way, with that fight, look, the other guy's name, the black guy, was Onama. I believe. Onama. So Onama versus Landwehr. Please, Google it. There's got to be clips out there. You're going to be like...

Which will no doubt trigger another round of anti-Trump leaks to the media from Schiff's office. This time ahead of the November midterms. Exactly right. Trump said to him. Take it easy, Donald. You Jew motherfucker, you.

You Jew motherfucker, you. I mean, come on. There's shoes at some of the box. Anyhow, hey, we got a new sponsor today, ladies and gentlemen. Did you know over 30 million people

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Seriously, 82% off. That's just $2.11 a month. And you also get three extra months completely for free. Try topping that deal. But you must go to PIAVPN.com slash nickdip for a truly private digital life. One last time, piavpn.com slash nickdip. We thank them for sponsoring the show today. I'll tell you who makes me laugh. We used to make fun of Big Red. You know who I'm talking about. Get that little red beaver in front of you. I don't think it's crazy at all. What was her name, by the way?

Jen. Jen Psaki. That's right. Freckle-faced Psaki. I don't know. I was weirdly attracted to her. Can you imagine? She looked like a witch. Dallas went, no. Good point, actually. Dallas went, no. Good point, actually. Anyways, she was replaced by this poor first black female openly gay spokesperson for her president. Again, this is what you get when you choose by immutable characteristics, skin color or gender. The White House continues to stress they had no private knowledge of last week's FBI raid on former President Donald. You know what? I wouldn't

doubt it. Trump's so, I mean, Biden's so stupid. They're like, we're not even going to tell him. You know, why would we tell him? He's going to forget in three seconds. So in other words, the White House saying they have no idea this was going to happen, the raid at the estate or the status of the ongoing Department of Justice investigation, citing the complete independence of the Department of Justice from politicization, which is. Who are you kidding? They insult our intelligence. You're lying.

And you're a piece of shit. You really are. What's her name? We have a picture of her right here. Yeah, let's put the picture up first. All right, and here she is. See? That's Karine Jean-Pierre.

And I'm not being racist here. I looked for 10, 20 minutes for a less... I wanted a black marionette. And they were all, they had the big red lips and shit. And it wasn't white people, it was what, you know, all puppets look, whatever the fuck.

Mr. fucking Tyrone Rogers. Here comes a trolley that people just got raped on. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Anyways, that's her, because she ding. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Anyways, that's her, because she is a puppet like all spokespeople. Let's take a listen to what her, this is her denying,

and again, they go on Sunday morning shows, Jonathan Carl this week feeding softballs. It really is. It's like watching when you put the ball on the tee for your kid and he hits it off because he's a pussy. Can't hit a real live pitch like I did when I was a kid. My father used to drill me in the head. Just wake me up. Let's listen to a puppeteer.

People and doing what is right for the American people. The Department of Justice, when it comes to law enforcement, is independent. This is what we believe and this is what the president has said. This is not about politicizing anything. That is not true at all. And I would remind our folks on the other side that the FBI director was appointed by the president's predecessor. I would remind the folks on the other side that when Merrick Garland was indeed confirmed it was a bipartisan fashion so again this is not what this is about we do not interfere we do not oh my god you're lying and you're a piece of shit oh my I could almost see AOC's hand up her filthy ass.

God. You had no idea, huh? That's kind of cute. She doesn't come across as gay. Anyway, Nix, what's that? You know what it fucking means. You know what it means. She doesn't look like she could have hit a 100-mile-an-hour fastball.

Or snap me in two with a fucking figure eight lock. Pressed repeatedly by Carl, Jean-Pierre repeatedly declined to comment on any aspect of the federal investigation into Trump, including whether President Joe Biden is concerned about national security implications of the highly classified materials that federal agents said they found in Trump's possession. I hear your question. Can you, anytime they go, the American people, oh, you just want to throw up. I hear your question, but it would be inappropriate for me as the press secretary to comment on this because I'm retarded. You know that. It would be inappropriate for any of us, including the president or anyone in the administration

to comment on this. Jean-Pierre said after she scored a hat trick against Winnipeg. This is a law enforcement matter, and the Department of Justice is going to move forward as they see fit. Yeah, they've never weaponized them against. She told Carl that Biden had not even discussed the raid with law enforcement. Well, he doesn't have to. He's six is done. And that the White House had been learning of updates in the investigation through media reports. That's how the White House is finding out about, like the rest of us do. Really?

I'm going to find out what the hell happened here. That's Biden getting out of his recliner. You're doing the shit behind my back, you motherfuckers. I wonder if they've had a lot of those fights. Anyways, let's change it up to some light news. Salman Rushdie was stabbed almost to death this week. Oh, Anne H. Anne H. is official. I got a lot of shit I tweeted.

I don't know why people get mad at that. I put, right after they announced she was tooking up the machines, I put, I always said, and I put the clip up of the car speeding, and I said, Hache makes waste. People, they don't like that. So I came back with another one. They said she's donating her organs. I said, I hope you like your liver well done.

I didn't. I don't tweet anymore. I do. I don't tweet anymore I do plug in shit they I'm still being watched by the way I'm still being shadowbanned I've come up with a couple of zingers that are worse at least a thousand likes it'll be like 121 you fucking people you have no idea how to uh Salman bum-rushed on stage oh my, oh god Salman Rushdie, the renowned novelist, whose work made him the subject of death threats was attacked at an event remember, Satanic Verses, a book

he wrote that sort of put the Muslims in a bad light and Ayatollah fucking, Ayatollah James Smith said, we want to whack this bitch, anyways, they've been threatening his life. And these guys get huge balls, I'm saying that much. He was attacked at an event in Chautauqua, New York. Not Chappaqua.

Hillary wasn't home. Chautauqua, New York. That's up by Buffalo, like 25 miles west. On Friday by a man who stormed the stage, stabbed the writer in the neck and the abdomen. Can you imagine that? I'm going to stab you through the heart with a fucking pencil. Do you understand me? Oh, my God, he had a pencil?

Here's a clip of right after he got stabbed. It looks like the beginning of one of my shows. Get the comedian. He called my wife a twat. Get up. All right. We get the idea. We get the idea.

A lot of mayhem when people get stabbed during a speech. Rushdie was taken by helicopter to Six Flags. He'd always want to see. Guy, I used to, I mean, guys, he's been traveling with security forever. And he'd be on Bill Maher's show, and I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like, not too long after he wrote the book. Rusty was taken by a helicopter to a hospital. His agent, Andrew Wiley, told the Associated Press, I'm still getting my 10%, that the writer was on a ventilator,

but he's been taking off since. This has been updated. He was joking, and he had damage to his liver and nerves in his arm. He also said Rusty will probably lose an eye. That's cool. That hurt, but yeah. You know why that's cool?

Because the people who ordered the hit on him, most of those Ayatollahs are missing an eye because they fought against Russia back in the day, right? So it's kind of an eye for an eye thing. You know what I'm saying? I don't want a patch. I like the way the shake does it. Yeah, with that white eye.

I might poke myself just for the, wow, you can tell I had the pizza on the fucking head. Anyways, Rusty will probably lose an eye. Efforts to... How many times did I hear that? Don't run with a fucking scissors in your hand. Nothing ever happened to me. I gave one speech about Jews and somebody...

Efforts to reach Wiley on Saturday were unsuccessful. Maybe he had his phone off, you assholes. New York State trooper who was next to the stage, took Hadi Matar. Hardy, not Hardy, Hadi. Yeah, he's got a sandwich. That's Hadi Matar right there. You see him? Yeah, 24 years old. Of course, of New Jersey, New Jersey is teeming with al-Qaeda, and you'll find out. Into custody at the scene, Mattar was charged with attempted murder and assault and is being held at a Chattaqua County jail. He'll be arraigned on Saturday.

We have clips of him. We see how he got into the venue. It might have been an inside job. Check this out. Durka, Durka, Muhammad Jihad. Haka, Sherpa, Sherpa, a bacala. Oh, Durka, Durka, Durka. I'm proud of that one.

Right to the stage. Law enforcement officials have not yet determined a motive. Do you need to determine a motive? Isn't that hilarious? I read the same thing. Let me see. The guy that stabbed him is a fucking radical Muslim. He wrote a book about it.

They've been trying to kill him for over 20 years now. I don't know what the motive might be. I think he might have boxed this guy in in the parking lot with his car. Whatever. Not a determinate motive. Major Eugene Stantzowski, of course, you've got a poll I'm trying to figure out, of the New York State Police said, and are working with a local district attorney to decide which criminal charges will be filed.

The FBI is also involved in the investigation. In an instant Friday morning, a literary event in a lakeside town in western New York was transformed into a scene of potentially deadly violence, drawing gaffes from the audience gathered in the open-air amphitheater. Very reminiscent to Nick DiPaolo doing Hoyersford, Pennsylvania under the tent. Imagine it's a nice quiet, you go to see somebody speak, you're way up in the middle of nowhere.

I'll cut it out. Durka, durka. Rushdie, an Indian-born writer who spent much of his life in Britain, has faced death threats for the decades after the 1988 publication for you young kids called The Satanic Verses, which will be the name of my next special, hopefully. Hey, guys, make plans to come and see me on the road. Here are my upcoming stand-up dates real quick for you. Friday, September 9th, Soul Joles, I just mentioned.

Comedy Club, Royalsford, Pennsylvania. Saturday, September 10th, Algonquin Arch Theater, Manisquan, New Jersey. I'll remember these dates because it's when the NFL and college football kicks off. I'll miss it all. In Manisquan, New Jersey. Sunday, September 11th, Sugarloaf

Performing Arts Center, Chester, New York. Friday, November 11th, Palm Beachaf Performing Arts Center, Chester, New York. Friday, November 11th, Palm Beach Kennel Club in West Palm Beach, Florida. Saturday, the 12th, I just added this one. It'll be on sale next week. Snappers Comedy Club. That's always the one when I did the

Tonight Show Letterman. It was always when they said, do you want to plug anything? It was never some arts theater. It was always... Snappers. Yeah, snappers. Which sounds like a titty bar, I know. Fort Myers, Florida. And Sunday, November

13th... Nick, calm down. The show's almost over. Sunday, November 13th, Sidesplitters Comedy Club Tampa. At the Tampa show, I'll be doing a Q&A live after the show. So people with VIP tickets can do the Q&A. So grab those before they're gone. You can get tickets to all these shows at nickdip.shizakama.

Finally tonight, what's the big secret? You guys, I have to explain this story up front. It's just a sports story. Well, I'm going to do the story. Then you tell me. You know I've been complaining about how they don't disclose anything anymore. Whether it's how somebody dies. It's always the cause of death.

It's getting more secretive. Everything is. Sports. Hockey has been doing this for a while. He has an upper body. I don't know if you say so. Anyways, Wake Forest will be without starting quarterback Sam Hartman. Sam Hartman.

That kid must get laid. For an extended period of time because of a non-football-related issue, right? So I'm going, oh, must have had a tooth pulled, an appendectomy, blah, blah, blah. This should be easy, you know. Here's the press conference with the coach. Talk about secrecy. He had a medical procedure that was non-football related. You know, we expect him to be back.

It's too early to tell exactly what that timeline is. You know. Just the facts, man. What the fuck? Now, you assholes in the press standing there, are you too chicken to go, excuse me, coach, what was the procedure? Or maybe they did.

And he, but they didn't reveal it because nobody knows what it is. It happened while he was in the weight room. Non-football related. Did he drop a 45-pound plate on his dick? What? Seriously, what the fuck? What's going on?

What we've got here is... It's a starting quarterback. ...failure to communicate. Huh? The pretty big deal is right. What's the... Want to take some guesses? I don't even know. COVID related? big deal is right. What's the, what's the, want to take some guesses? I don't even know.

COVID related? Is he have, maybe, oh, I think I just stumbled on it. He's transitioning. He's transitioning. He might, seriously, on the day they're supposed to kick off this season,

he's having his vagina put in. Maybe, I don't know, or he's already had it done. It's a non-football, but they won't tell us. And what did they say, he might be back or whatever? It's not... Anybody else bothered by this? Clausen said Hartman underwent a medical procedure. What? In somebody's van?

Somebody with a sharp popsicle stick removed something? After seeking medical attention during a workout earlier in the day. Was it related to the workout? Why am I playing 200 questions to find out why this fucking guy the school did not specify the nature of the situation right here in the article it should say but they kept pressing but doesn't say that citing privacy laws was he getting blown was he blowing the guy he was spotting? Was he spotting himself? As in spotting, as transitioning.

But Clausen said it was one of those things that could happen to anyone. No, it couldn't. What does that mean? What we've got here is failure to communicate. Hartman sought assistance from the training staff during workouts Tuesday and tests illuminated an issue that Klassen said required medical intervention. What kind of tests? X-rays? Spelling? What happened? Anybody else? Tuesday was a frustrating day, but I am extremely grateful for our medical staff

and for Dr. Chris Miles and Niles oh Niles Fleet for staying with me throughout this process Hartman said don't say a fucking word to me I'll get up and I'll bury this telephone in your head exactly Mr. Hartman

I just don't I want to follow up on the show I want to know what's so secretive anybody am I just don't, I want to follow up on the show. I want to know what's so secretive. Anybody? Am I just, anyhow. Before I go, I'd like to thank you people again who support the show financially and otherwise. As I told you guys before,

we're leaving the Comics Gym platform, excuse me, and we want to thank everyone that made the move back to Patreon to continue to support the show. And it was a lot of you people, and I can't thank you that made the move back to Patreon to continue to support the show. And it was a lot of you people, and I can't thank you enough. Thanks to these are the guys that moved back to Patreon. Anthony Volpe, Bob Duffy, Daniel Haley, Derek Mayer, Gregory Muse, Gary Laporte, Jason Anhonk,

Jason Anhonk, John Phillips, Steve Standley, Clifford Hertz, Joe Lulich, Martin Scanlon, or Scanlon, that's an L, I guess, Robert Creel, Ryan Parcell, Kenneth Kuchnicki, Mick Davey, William Phillip, and Frank Ellie, Irish Patty, Iris Simmons, Brian Petrosolo, I think I'd get the Italian ones, Petrosolo, Brendan Rice or Reese, Victor Landau, Richard R.G. or Gee, David Balsamo, Mike Walsh, Rob Nugent, James, uh, Raymond Schneidel, uh, Rod Baker, Victoria Aylward, Kelly Dickerman, Trim Mine Nguyen, Michael Curran, Kevin's cats and Brian L's who all signed up for a full year at Patreon if you sign up for the full year you get a 10% discount

and no annoying monthly fees I also want to welcome our newest Patreons at Patreon Adrian Cohen Guana Ed Diaz Nick Theodore Chris Lab Bill and Robert Putman, Greg Sandoff.

So Putman and Sandoff, I believe, right? Who also signed up for the full year. And one-time contributors, as always, our buddy Paul Sagnella, Sean Powell, Tim Hershied, Austin Pardee, Bob Moriarty, Peter Diebold, Todd Russell, Wade Sabatini. And again, thank you guys so much. That is it for today, ladies and gentlemen. Unless you're a monthly subscriber, you got another story coming to you. Really interesting one.

It's about me in a dentist chair with silly string and a naked girl. That's it. Don't forget, I just went over all that. Don't forget cameo.com. If you want me to roast a friend or a relative, I'm getting a nice steady stream of them now. Or say happy birthday, go to cameo.com and I'll be glad to light them up verbally for a little minute. It would be very nice. Okay? That is it. You guys think it, I'll say it.

You're very welcome. See you back here tomorrow at the same time. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. guitar solo so this episode of the ron burgundy podcast is brought to you by the Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonald's. Hello, I'm Ron Burgundy. I've had cheeseburgers in every state of this great nation of ours, but you know what? After all my searching, I keep coming back to the McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese, or as I like to call it, the QPC. It's 100% fresh

beef with two slices of melted cheese, along with pickles and onions and ketchup and mustard. And it's just a big old familiar juicy mess of a burger that never disappoints. I'm Ron Burgundy, and if you're like me, you want a burger worthy of a nickname. Order the QPC.