The Nick DiPaolo Show - DeSantis DaMan | Nick Di Paolo Show #519
Episode Date: April 6, 2021DeSantis get support from a couple Florida dems following 60 Minutes slander piece. Georgia GoP boycotts Coke. Spirit airlines tries and fails to remove a family from a flight over their baby's mask....
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Thank you guys so much. Welcome to the Nick DiPaolo Podcast.
I guarantee for the next hour you're going to laugh your balls off and learn about the whites and the colors and the juice.
I guarantee it.
Well, the American people have to know if Nick DiPaolo is a liar.
Well, I'm no liar.
I want you to watch out for that Robert Kennedy, that little weasel.
Put a spy on him.
He's in tight with, yes, I love Kissinger, but you know how the Jews are with the media.
Let me just say this about that.
How are you, folks?
That killed a minute.
Anyways, it's Tuesday, which means tomorrow is the second to last day of the ding ding ding.
Why do I look forward to, you know, I'm 59, I'm heading towards the, I can see the fucking finish line.
That's why I'm going to transgender in a couple months.
Transgender? Transition, I mean. It'll be fun.
I always wanted to play with my own tits when I was whacking it.
I think that's why they do it.
Anyways, what's going on in the world today?
Let me just say this about that.
I don't shave anymore. I don't shower. I'm married.
My groin smells like a smoke gooter.
Georgia Republican lawmakers won Coke Zero. Get it? Coke zero?
Republican lawmakers in Georgia are taking the stand,
taking the standoff over their newly passed election laws to the boardroom. after Coca-Cola decried the laws that Georgia GOP has moved to boot coke
from the statehouse offices, all because of the All-Star Game.
And this is their idea.
This is a big win by the Republican senators in Georgia.
They're not drinking coke in their fucking offices.
Wow, you show them.
All right, get up.
It's a Pepsi.
It's a Pepsi. Is this a big stand you're taking? This is it? Jesus H,
who cut your balls off? The letter to Coca-Cola read that the Coca-Cola company has been one of
Georgia's most successful companies. We as members have enjoyed partnering with Koch to make Georgia the number
one state in which to do business, and our leadership has been built on respect, transparency,
and honesty. They don't mention political correctness. Unfortunately, it continues upon
the passage of the Election Integrity Act of 2021. Your company has made the conscious decision to perpetrate a national dialogue
which seeks to intentionally mislead the citizens of Georgia and deepen a divide in our great
state and country, really.
We have the responsibility to all of Georgia to not engage in those misguided intentions nor continue to support corporations who choose SB 202.
Again, the article stinks, you know, to repeal it.
Expands early, which expands early voting opportunity, provides for a pathway to ensure
shorter voting lines, secures the use of drop boxes, which otherwise would be illegal, as well as several other provisions allowing all Georgians greater access to fast, secure, and transparent elections.
Can you imagine having an allergic reaction to that?
How fucking crooked.
We call it the Democrat Party.
A guy that used to call into my radio show said,
aka, also known as the Democrat, but he called it a criminal enterprise.
He was very good truck driver, knew more about the Constitution.
The lawmakers, reps, here are the people that are sticking up for the right thing.
Reps Victor Anderson, Matt Barton, Klein Crow.
Have you ever had the Klein Crow, Jason, with a little lemon and garlic?
Stan Gunter. Sounds like a porn name.
Dwayne Hill, I'm guessing, is black. Good for you, Dwayne.
You know I'm probably wrong.
Lauren McDonald, Jason Ridley sound black to me.
And Marcus, uh, why doer?
Also, no.
Go on to say that given Koch's choice to cave to the pressure of an out-of-control cancel culture,
we respectively request all Coca-Cola company products be removed from our office suite immediately.
Oh, boy.
Bye-bye.
You just whacked them in the fucking belly for what, $50?
Should Coke choose to read the bill, share its true intentions, and accept their role in dissemination of mistruths, we would welcome a conversation to rebuild a working relationship.
Coca-Cola CEO James Quincy, I would have went black with that name, might as well be he's a white woke lib.
Look at you, you bitch.
How's he sitting so straight with no spine?
Look at you, you bitch. How's he sitting so straight with no spine?
Coca-Cola CEO James Quincy called George's new voting laws wrong, unacceptable, and a
step backward.
There's something wrong with the black man's mind.
There's something wrong with his mind.
I thought he was going to be black, and I just called him black.
Something wrong with a white man's mind.
Something wrong with a progressive mind.
However, the company seems to have no problem
with China's forced labor policies.
Has it even pressed Congress to not interfere
with the CCP's human rights violations?
You fucking believe that?
Don't interfere with the fucking Communist Party of China.
We do business business how dare you
see i guarantee ivy leaguer you can't be that far up on the chain and coke
meanwhile he has the common sense of somebody who graduated the
bottom 10th of his class at debry why. Why do I go after DeVry?
Very nice school. I just said DeVry like I'm from Mexico. I went to DeVry and, you know,
I had a very, very good time. Anyways, it's just, that's the top story for the last three or four
days, right? That All-Star game. It's just a fucking... You know what I'm waiting for? You know,
on a baseball game, I hope this happens
at the All-Star game. You know how
when a pitcher strikes out three guys in a row and somebody
in the crowd puts the K down?
A lot of times you see three Ks.
That makes me chuckle every time.
Imagine if that happens at the All-Star game.
Let's move on to some more of well governor desantis could run for president tomorrow probably
win again if it's not rigged like the last one but um 60 minutes did a real hit piece on him
they get busted for editing editing the footage of the interview with them. They are just,
you guys are the most evil.
If you didn't cheat,
you know what?
You wouldn't even be a party anymore.
It's in your DNA
because you're wrong about everything.
That's what I take from it.
Well, who are you?
Oh, a comedian.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
confronted over Publix COVID
vaccination deal. For you people who aren't from the South over Publix COVID vaccination deal.
For you people who aren't from the South, Publix is a huge supermarket chain.
And you know what?
If I was starting a business tomorrow, I would go to these guys and ask for advice.
Jason knows.
He lives down here.
You go to Publix.
I've never been to a place where they actually give a shit.
They say hi to you on the way.
If you're standing there for a second and looking for something,
they'll come up and go, can I help?
And actually mean it.
They do small talk, which I'm not big on.
But like I had, first time I see, I was buying some barbecue sauce.
Kid asked me how it was.
And I said, you're black.
You should tell me.
And bang, he punched me in the face.
No, but it was actually dialogue between me and this young black. They're nice and they mean it. This
supermarket, I'm a huge fan. Someday I'll get big enough to do a commercial.
CBS has been accused of deceptively editing a fiery exchange between Florida Governor
DeSantis, a Republican, and a reporter for 60 Minutes, which I don't know, I can't believe people still watch this. Can you state category? You are fake news. Sir. The exchange occurred
during a recent press conference near Orlando with the governor speaking about the COVID-19
vaccine rollout. After the speech, a CBS reporter accused him of selecting public stores to
distribute the vaccines due to pay-to-play schemes. However, 60 Minutes omitted other context
from the press conference in which he said
the first commercial pharmacies to distribute the vaccines
were CVS and Walgreens.
But, you know, they didn't show that on the fucking 60 Minutes.
Are you interested in the real story?
Yes, so don't watch 60 Minutes if you are.
Meantime, the unedited version of the interview
appears to have been removed from the 60 Minutes YouTube page.
Why is that?
I'm going to find out what the hell happened here.
What does that tell you?
They removed it.
What does that tell you?
There's no laws for fucking for the media or whatever.
Well, here's here's the watch DeSantis.
How many we've showed him about 10 times and he's
always making one of these people look like the jackass that they are. I love this guy.
Wanted to ask Governor DeSantis about the deal, but he declined our request for an interview.
Shut up. We caught up with him south of Orlando. Publix, as you know, donated one hundred thousand
dollars to your campaign and then you rewarded them with the exclusive rights
to distribute the vaccination so first of all that what you're saying is wrong how is that not
paid that's a fake narrative i met with the county mayor i met with the administrator i met with all
the folks at palm beach county and i said here's some of the options we can do more drive-through
sites we can give more to hospitals we can do the. And they said, we think that would be the easiest thing for our residents.
But Melissa McKinlay, the county commissioner in the Glades, told us the governor never met with her about the public's deal.
The criticism is that it's pay to play.
It's wrong. It's wrong. It's a fake narrative.
I just disabused you of the narrative and you don't care about the facts because obviously I laid it out for you in a way that is irrefutable and so it's clearly not isn't there no no no you're wrong you're wrong you're
wrong yes actually a fact okay they're just activists they're left-wing activists Jason
I can't hear myself what'd you do huh all right. All right. I'm good. This thing's,
I don't know. Every day it's different. I put it on. Anyways, it's good, Jace. Don't touch it.
I'll fucking snap. Edit all that. Okay. In fact, anyways, do you see how they just,
just, they're relentless. And they get busted and they took it down
what does that tell you a florida democrat get this ripped this is a democrat defending
desantis ripped 60 minutes and thursday for put on thursday for pushing the narrative that governor
ron desantis partnered with publics on vaccine distributions as a so-called pay-to-play scheme,
calling it absolute, oh my God, he took a page out of Biden's book,
absolute malarkey, he said.
Was he standing in front of Woolworths in 1955 when he said that?
Absolute malarkey.
I despise it with every fiber of my being. Florida Division of
Emergency Management head Jared Moskowitz tweeted at CBS's News Magazine that Publix,
a popular Southern grocery store chain, was recommended by his agency and the Florida
Department of Health, not the governor's office. So there goes that 60 minutes. I said, this is him, Moskowitz, I said
this before and I'll say it again. He tweeted Publix was recommended by Florida Division of
Emergency Management and Florida Department of what I just said. Moskowitz also tweeted this
last month. This idea why Publix was picked has been utter nonsense. We reached out to all the pharmacies, and see down here, they have pharmacies at the
supermarket.
We're the only one, Publix was the only one at the time who could execute on the mission.
The federal government delayed the federal pharmacy program, and we, yet again, stepped
up first to serve more seniors.
Because see, folks, a ton of seniors go to Publix
and they live around Publix.
It's such a big, you can't get away from it down here.
But so they do their research.
You're like, oh, it's surrounded by old people.
That's how we get the vaccine to them.
I thought they should have just like put it
in the Ensure bottles and some of the other products
old people use, denture cream.
You know, don't even tell them.
Very Nazi-like.
In a statement of Fox News, the store disputed the 60 Minutes piece as false and offensive.
This is a Publix talk and spokesman.
The irresponsible suggestion that there was a connection between campaign contributions
made to Governor DeSantis and our willingness to join other pharmacies in support of the state's
vaccine distribution effort is absolutely fucking horse caca. I added it for emphasis. Absolutely
false and offensive. We are proud of our pharmacy associates for administering, get this, more than
1.5 million doses of vaccine to date and for joining other retailers in Alabama, Florida, Georgia,
South Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia
to do our part to help communities emerge from the pandemic,
a public spokesman told Fox News.
So why don't you fucking report that, 60 Minutes?
Just the facts, ma'am.
Unbelievable.
Unreal.
Real.
Lying. You know, that tells me they're looking at the straw poles and go, although I don't know why they get nervous because I know they're planning on stealing
the election. Just look at the reaction they had to the Georgia Integrity Act. So I don't know.
Maybe it's all for show. It's all kabuki theater from the dems
because they're going to try to steal it again and they did steal it anybody doesn't say that
can suck my left right and middle nut that's right three how about the kid i didn't do this
story born in iran with three penises i forgot to do that one three pen penises, Jace. Can you fucking imagine having a threesome or a foursome,
I should say? No, I can't even do math. Yeah, it'd be a foursome. You'd have three girls.
It's like a cow's udder. They'd be down there licking up that goodness. By the way, two
of them weren't really workable, so they removed them.
I looked on Craigslist. I was hoping the parents might have put them up.
Anyways. And you know what? It wasn't just Moskowitz, a Democrat backing DeSantis.
Another Florida Dem backed DeSantis, which I love this.
Oh, boy, is this great? In a statement on Monday, Palm Beach County Mayor Dave Kerner,
a Democrat, said the 60 Minutes reporting was intentionally false. That's in quotes.
That's from a Democrat. And then he said this, I know this because I offered to provide
my insight into Palm Beach County's vaccination efforts and 60 Minutes declined. See, they didn't
want to hear it because the truth didn't fit their narrative.
I hope they all die of cancer
and their kids are left alone.
What?
I don't know.
He said, adding that he and other officials
asked the governor to expand the state's partnership
with Publix as opposed to the other way around.
We asked and he delivered, Kerner wrote.
That's a Democrat talking about a Republican governor.
They had that information.
They left it out because it kneecaps their narrative.
Hey, I just said that.
You are correct, sir.
You would have think me being half Italian would have went with the kneecaps fucking reference,
but I was beat to it by Colonel, Colonel.
Colonel, Colonel.
I said this.
In a perfect world, because the media is so hated by everybody,
and I mean every race, every gender, they are so low on the total.
If we were living in a normal world,
calling a person a journalist would be more offensive than the N-word.
I know there's a bit in there somewhere.
I'll dig it out.
Anyways.
Let's see. We haven't talked about
our tremendous leader.
The commander-in-chief.
This poor bastard.
He's declining fast.
But it's perfect.
Boy, did they play this one beautifully,
using him as the empty vessel.
Anyways, the headline here I wrote was,
welcome leeches.
President Joe Biden is thanking naturalized Americans.
Actually, I shouldn't have said that
because they went through the process
and did it right, I guess, for choosing us.
That's what he says.
When these
people take a citizen's test, they usually have a video or whatever, or he's there or whatever.
Now they can't because of COVID. They made a pre-video of him thanking. But he says in the
video, thanks for choosing us like we're a fucking Verizon over AT&T. In his official video message
to the nation's newest citizens.
Thanks for choosing us, he says.
Who gives a fuck what you think?
He doesn't.
In the brief remarks,
Biden references the courage,
in quotes, of immigrants
coming to the United States
and his own heritage
as a descendant of Irish immigrants.
He also praises the contribution they will make to American society, yet doesn't mention
that he will break the fucking, they will break the taxpayers back with all the welfare
programs.
They will go ahead of all white people in this country, be treated better.
A lot of them won't assimilate.
They'll keep their own cultures and eventually turn up at protests and
shit like like they have been doing for the last few years and you can blame all this on ted
kennedy when he fucking actually wrote a law we were getting too many european immigrants
he changed that i'm glad his tumor sprung into action can you imagine thank you for choosing us he says this is biden first and foremost i want to thank
why is it so courageous to come to a country you know when it was courageous when my grandparents
did it when my grandfather came over here literally with 15 20 cents in his pocket
there were no social safety nets there There was no fucking welfare, Medicare
horse shit. None of that. That took courage. You're getting on a rickety boat. These fuckers
fly over on Delta. Takes a lot of courage to come over and help break America. Again,
that's not all of them. I understand that, folks. These are the naturalized ones who actually,
but I'm just saying.
I was talking about the rest of them that he's letting in.
Can you imagine?
First and foremost, I want to thank you for choosing us
and believing that America is worthy of your aspirations,
Biden said in the video.
Then he cut a large fart and started crying.
Calling the United States this great nation of immigrants,
he said.
Meanwhile, he's doing business with communist China.
You piece of shit.
You fucking hypocrite.
Yeah, exactly, Carmela.
You all have one thing in common, lack of soap.
What?
No, these are people who did it right.
Courage, Biden says in the video released on Monday.
The courage it takes to sacrifice and make this journey journey like they all came over in a tire.
The courage to leave your homes made of banana leaves and mud.
Your lives, your loved ones.
Yeah.
Leave your love.
I'm sure a three and five year old girl from Mexico made the choice to leave and come to a nation that is more than just a place, but rather an idea.
An idea that I'm pissing on at
this very moment, an idea that where everyone is created equal and deserves to be treated equally,
unless you voted for Trump and then you're deemed a domestic terrorist.
Suck a bag of dicks and die, old man. I don't like your fucking face.
I'm going to tell you, you life, cocksucker.
you, you lying cocksucker!
That was Dr. Biden.
Jill losing her shit because he spilled egg salad on
himself.
Presidents typically record a message to be
played at the end of naturalization ceremonies
moments after new citizens
take the oath of allegiance.
Those proceedings, though, have been
abbreviated over, guess what,
because of, you because of coronavirus pandemic.
And that's what he should have said. Thank you for participating in this hoax.
And the video has been among the elements cut for time.
It is, guys. It's just I can't.
My mother.
I can't.
My mother.
I don't know how we missed this one.
I'm just going to throw one in.
You know, we covered all the gaps.
He makes so many gaps while he's speaking.
Literally, we can't keep up.
And I have a staff of one.
I don't know how we missed this one.
This might be my favorite out of all the gaffes.
This was beautiful.
It sounds like Jason said it sounds like something me or a comedian would say about him.
Here's Joe Biden with gaffe number one for me, at least.
With regard to the filibuster, I believe we should go back to a position of the filibuster that existed just when I came to the United States Senate 120 years ago. uh jacob i i want you to go back in time all right get in your little time machine and think about when trump first gets sworn in about all the stories the next few weeks about
the 25th amendment and how he wasn't fit mentally or physically to run the presidency of the,
that is there any,
are you Republicans?
Can't you just fucking is what's in a Marjorie Taylor green.
The only one of green Taylor and purple pits,
whatever.
Is she the only one fucking pushing back?
Couldn't you make a national stink about it?
Even if they do,
nobody hears it or sees it because why the The social media is run by the fucking left,
the mainstream media.
Couldn't you just,
we should be picketing
saying this guy can't
fucking run a fruit stand.
And he can't.
And I know we did that story
about how ineffective AOC was
and I loved my take on it
because I watched a few shows last night that had the same take on it yeah she might not have got anything through
technically or whatever but her goddamn fucking left-wing radical dog shit agenda she's not
fucking I guarantee she's not depressed about how it's going still getting pushed through
when she should be serving me a dirty martini.
How old's the show, Jason?
About 24 minutes.
Well, we'll be out of stories in about six minutes.
Well, speaking of COVID, they're coming up with all kinds of shit now.
You see they're going, oh, I mentioned it yesterday.
There's a new super variant COVID.
They forgot, folks, please.
They're just making, they keep moving the bar, the goalpost.
They keep just, now there's a super variant that, you know, we got to worry about.
Don't you understand they're going to keep this going as long as you dummies keep wearing your masks?
Don't you understand they're making you obey?
That's what this is.
And you're falling for it, most of you.
Again, I know it exists.
It's like a bad cold that will kill all people. How's that different?
But it's raising havoc amongst us civilians. And I told you, said this a few weeks ago,
I don't know who came up with this. It's beautiful. Could they divide us anymore?
We're down to people who wear masks and who don't wear masks. And every time I show a clip of an
airplane, I get a pit in my stomach
knowing that I'm going to be getting on one in a month.
I just hate it so much.
But Spirit Airlines, I'd like to check out there.
I told you my manager one time put me on Spirit Airlines,
you know, to save money.
So I Googled it and it said they had the worst safety record.
That's great,
Tommy. We saved 50 bucks for me to go to the fucking yuck yucks in Chicago. Meanwhile,
I'm a corpse on fire with smoke coming out of me. But, uh, spared airlines, uh, they have a lot of, we've shown three fights, right? From spared at the gate. Remember the big
brawls of the black girls fucking going haywire?
Well, they hire those girls.
And this clip, this is going to trigger you.
This black flight attendant woman, I guarantee you,
she got fired at Wendy's.
And she actually got in trouble for this.
This is a family, a Jewish family.
She actually got in trouble for this.
There's a family, a Jewish family.
I found out the story.
It's called Yeshiva World News.
Yeah, YWN.
I get it every day at my house on the doorstep.
Yeshiva, it was a Jewish family.
And they had a little girl, two years old, who I think they said was learning disabled or some shit.
And here comes Aisha Tanisha, being the black left-wing robot that she is.
And this is what ensues.
I am a 50-year-old in your car.
What do they do?
I told you, noncompliance, you will have to get off.
I didn't want to do this.
Did you have to pick up your stuff?
What did I do? What did we do?
I'm sorry.
What did you offer?
Okay, no problem.
Just tell me what we did.
Noncompliance is a mess.
We're wearing a mask.
We're wearing a mask.
She's not wearing a mask.
The baby is wearing a mask.
The girl's two years old, and she's not wearing a mask.
She's eating.
First of all, I read, according to the articles, that it doesn't even apply to her.
If you're two.
Do you see how insane we're going?
And this robot created by the left-wing mainstream media, just a good little Nazi doing her best.
She doesn't know she's picking on a Jewish family.
You know, you know there's going to be some lawyers.
Nick, what kind of thing is,
well, he said it in the clip.
Go ahead.
He keeps putting it on.
He keeps putting it on.
A lot of kids know.
There's a black woman defending the white people.
Guys, is that wearing a mask the whole time, everybody.
I'm sorry.
But it keeps on getting worse.
I'll make sure he wears it.
Everything's going to be fine.
I'm sorry.
I'll make sure that they're wearing it, okay?
Special needs child, two-year-old.
Pause.
Special needs child, two-year-old.
Yet this dumb bitch continues.
I think this black woman across
the aisle is defending the family, and the guy with her says, I'll make sure they're
wearing them. He could be a dick, or he's helping. I don't know, but go ahead.
Not my choice. Not my choice. Whose choice? Why would you make me? It's a waste of time
to do this. I'm sorry, but she has to get up and take your stuff
she just said take your stuff and get off the plane
how ignorant go ahead
excuse me i'm not gonna leave until i'm understand what i do The pilot wants you off.
So you have to get off.
He kept asking, bring your manager, your supervisor.
The pilot wants you off.
I wonder if that is a happy ending in this, by the way.
But go ahead. The pilot wants you off. She's a baby. The pilot wants you off. I wonder if that, there's a happy ending to this, by the way. But go ahead.
The pilot wants you off.
She's a baby.
The pilot wants you off.
I kicked my wife.
How old is she?
She's just turned two a month ago.
I understand.
It's five and up.
She's been trying to wear it.
She keeps going up and up.
Pause.
Somebody just said it's five and up is the rule.
This broad doesn't know that.
She just got here from wendy's
go ahead she's no man exit out of the aircraft i will have to detain the aircraft and call the
police keep your mask off what do i do okay i'm gonna call the police have them no problem
i'll get my lawyer on the case pause
i love it good for for you, pal.
Counselor.
She goes,
I'm going to get the police.
Well, get the pilot.
Don't get the police.
And he goes,
I'm going to call my good.
I'm glad he did.
Picking on a nice family
with a fucking kid
with special needs.
Hates Jews.
Yeah, she does.
Hates Jews.
Is there any more? Oh, oh good that's not make me angry
the mother is seven months pregnant by the way special needs child on her lap
uh here are some comments from people on the story david uh these are funny absolutely
effing you know hashtag you, when you swear on Twitter.
Absolutely fucking spit airlines.
Every low, no IQ, brown shirt employee, law enforcement officer who promotes or carries out these idiotic edicts are fake leaders for never using common sense and allowing this sinister oppression to continue.
And anyone on board with this, what is NWO bullshit? New World Order bullshit. Can't wait
for it to backfire because you assholes really have it coming. The trouble you have caused
the world is immense and immeasurable.
Burn in hell every last one of you who is behind the way the world is now.
Oh, I fucking love this guy.
Road Rash said, take this opportunity to damage the enemies of freedom as much as possible.
Wheezy waited from the Jeffersons.
Three people are exempt from wearing masks.
Persons two years old or under, persons suffering from respiratory problems, including COPD, and persons incapable
of removing the mask in an emergency. People need to read what the unconstitutional mandate says before rushing to judgment it's important
to report that the airline did the right thing here's where the happy ending is and allowed
everyone including the family to board the plane they had to deplane how'd you like to be somebody's
missing a connecting plate you see what i'm saying disrupting every facet of our lives that's why i think that
guy was telling like oh i'll keep track of them i'll keep them wearing the max because you don't
want to get off the fucking plane yeah deplaning uh so they all get to board including that family
the stewardess was removed from duty she'll be selling you a flat screen at Best Buy tomorrow in Detroit
the father has heard telling the flight attendant that their other child's special needs
the mom is seven months pregnant the kid on her lap is special needs
the entire flight was forced to deplane because of the child
no because of the fucking flight attendant.
Around an hour after the flight was deplaning,
the entire flight was allowed to board again.
And the article's repeating itself.
I don't know why.
Anyways, they asked the Jewish guy what he thought of her,
and she said, he said,
A, she was a hooah.
Oh!
B, she was a hooah. Oh! B, she was a hooah.
This is not an isolated incident.
According to my favorite publication,
Yeshiva World Notes.
Just two weeks ago, YWN published a story
about Spirit Airlines throwing a four-year-old
autistic child with a doctor's note.
We did this story off a flight for no mask.
The child had a medical note from his physician stating that he's exempt from wearing masks
because whenever he wears a mask, he holds his breath or he starts freaking out.
And he will harm himself, just like I do when they tell me to put on a mask.
At CBS, I start a whole big thing.
Oh, yeah? Fuck that pharmacy. I don a whole big thing.
Oh, yeah?
Fuck that pharmacy.
I don't need those chlamydia pills.
So, Spirit Airlines,
can you just shut down, please?
They're not the ones that crashed into the Everglades, right?
That was another one.
This was like 20 years ago.
I've told this a joke many,
it wasn't spirit, I don't think,
but it was another cheap airlines
like the value,
I think it was a value jet, whatever.
They crashed into the Everglades, right?
Not only did the people die on the flight,
they got eaten by alligator.
So David Tell goes,
what did somebody fuck a leprechaun
on that flight?
And that's why I am in love with comedy.
Hey, Pelosi.
In our, are you a dog styling me segment tonight?
Remember the two teen girls accused of killing an Uber driver in a botched carjacking in Washington, D.C. in March?
They're expected to reach a plea deal.
I will repeat that.
A plea deal with prosecutors in the case.
Okay.
Do you believe this shit?
We reported on it.
Well, here's the clip showing the actual accident that killed this poor Uber driver.
That's him.
What's going on? Pull the car. They're trying to steal the car. showing the actual accident that killed this poor Uber driver. Poor guy's hanging.
She's stealing her car.
She's stealing the car. Yeah, we called the cop nice huh killed the guy trying to make a living he's got kids grandkids hard-working immigrant
anyways they're gonna strike a plea deal.
The bargain should be reached in the coming days,
but it's unclear if it will fully resolve the case,
according to the Washington Post.
I'm sure they're giddy about this.
The girls are due back in court on April 20th
to discuss the status of the case, the outlet said.
The pair, ages, get this, 13 and 15,
again, keep in mind it's old white men that are problem.
I have been charged with felony murder, carjacking, armed robbery and the deadly incident,
which they allegedly carried out near Nationals Park and South East section of the nation's capital.
Problem. You're the fucking problem.
You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling you, H, you keep looking at me. I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. You fucking Dr. White onking jam rag, onking spunk bubble. I'm telling
you, H, you keep looking at me, I'm going to put you in the fucking ground. I promise you.
Under DC law, the 13-year-old can't be charged as an adult, even in a murder case,
according to the Post. The 15-year-old suspect could be charged as an adult, but you know what?
That would increase the burden of proof on prosecutors,
the report said. How about this video? Doesn't that sort of take some burden off?
You actually have them there. That doesn't mean anything.
How does it increase the burden? What are you going to do?
In juvenile court in the district, defendants who are found responsible, meaning guilty, may only be jailed until the age of 21, according to the.
No, they're ignorant.
That's ignorant.
So even if the fucking girl does time, she gets six years and she'll probably not even do that.
And war who was hanging on to the vehicle, the poor immigrant,
was fatally injured when the girls crashed.
First of all, they had a taser.
That's how they held him up, tried to steal his car.
According to the cops, he died.
He held on to the car.
You hear that?
It sounded like a fake car crash that you'd sound drop,
you'd pull off the internet.
But, you know, so the 13-year-old, she's probably going to do it anytime.
The 15-year-old might do six years.
Doubt that very much.
And we'll all forget about it.
Except for his family and kids and grandchildren.
Yay for the legal system.
I don't want to hear how the legal system is racist again.
Not ever again.
We do story after goddamn story on this show of people that have arrest records a mile long and they're out.
No bail, no cash bail anymore.
I mean, stop.
Stop with the racist this and that.
Speaking of racism and crime and violence,
would you believe that,
I can't keep up
with these stories either.
More black on yellow crime.
I was talking to the great
Colin Quinn,
who grew up in Brooklyn,
and I remember when I first
got to New York,
he was talking about the tension
between the Asian community
because Al Sharpton
ended up having a bunch of people
protesting a Korean store
up in Harlem.
Ended up burning it down.
Six people died.
And, you know, there was always tension.
Black people didn't like the fact that Asian people were coming over here and being successful.
You know, and nobody was spending money, according to Sharpton, in the black store or whatever.
Anyways, shocking video shows the moment a crazed man.
How many have we done in the last couple of weeks?
There was another one today that I didn't bother putting in.
An Asian woman in Central Park.
It said April 5th.
What was that, yesterday?
Walking her baby gets punched in the face.
By what?
A Trump support? No.
Shocking video shows the moment a crazed man wielding a pole trashes a Korean-owned convenience store in North Carolina while shouting racial slurs, which is all you have to do when you're
committing a crime to make it a hate crime, but we know. Anyways, Mark sung a beautiful song and then went home.
Good night, everybody.
Mark Sung, whose family owns the Charlotte store,
said the brute who trashed their business
was allegedly, get this, hired by a customer
who had been banned from the shop.
Jesus, you gotta hire somebody to,
what is this, the black mop?
Tyrone, I've got a job for you to do.
You know that little chink down in Fourth Street?
He's charging black people extra for, you know,
avocados and carrots.
I want you to send him a message.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's take a look at this fella in action.
I'm guessing another Trump supporter just hurt an Asian couple.
I could be wrong.
Oh, it's a black guy. I'm sorry.
He's breaking. He's got a pole in his hand.
People are running out of the store.
He's smashing a few people who are listening to the show.
Smashing all the coolers with the sodas in them and the glass.
Poor old white guy trying to get out of there.
Now he's threatening the guy behind the counter.
What is going on man
this is why you you got to always have funyuns
again you'll see this reporter mainstreaming
and they'll somehow make a connection
of anti-Asian crime
because Trump called it the China flu.
They're still pushing that narrative.
When this has been going on
way before COVID ever hit,
I used to see the tension
at the Chinese restaurants in New York City.
Guy goes, yeah, put some more duck sauce
on that motherfucker.
What? As he was trashing the shop, he was like saying racial slurs, cursing at us,
threatening us, Sunset. And the guy that we banned ended up coming into the store,
cheering him on and screaming, that's what you get. That's what you get. Go back to your own country.
Guess what, folks?
It wasn't a Trump supporter.
Never is.
But you keep sucking up that.
That's him.
Suspect, Xavier Rasheed Woody Silas.
Jesus, what do you keep your maiden name?
There was a guy named Paul Silas who was a play for the Celtics.
He might have been a Hall of Famer.
Sort of look like this kid.
I wonder if you're related, Nick.
No, I'm just saying.
Anyways, 24-year-old.
He's now facing a slew of charges in the incident, including robbery with a dangerous weapon,
communicating threats, and disorderly conduct.
That's it?
The Charlotte area transit system said on Twitter, Just a fucking lunatic.
There's something wrong with the black man's mind.
There's something wrong with his mind.
Yeah, so I'm not even going to show you the one with a poor woman walking around.
It's a closed eye.
New York sounds very dangerous right now.
I got to be honest.
This was the horrible story of the day.
I mean, this is one of the most bizarre fucking things
as we stay on the violence lane.
Family slaughtered because of depression
in shoddy sitcom writing, I wrote.
And I'm not making it up.
The two Texas brothers accused of slaughtering
four family members before killing themselves
said they easily got weapons because gun control is a joke and were sent off the rails,
partly from watching TV's The Office.
I knew there's a reason I never watched that.
And a rambling 12-page note initially, it's like a suicide note, initially linked to his Instagram
page, Farhan Tauhid, 19, said that he and his 21-year-old brother Tanvir assumed getting guns
would be the most challenging part of the murder-suicide plot that was finally executed on
Saturday. Instead, they found that gun, this is in quotes quotes gun control in the united states is a joke
the youngest tower brother wrote in the note that police confirmed to cbs dallas fort worth uh which
is linked to the gruesome bloodbath this is one of the brothers speaking he said all my brother had
to do was go to a gun shop say something about wanting a gun for home defense sign some forms
and that was it he said there was a question asking
if he had any mental illnesses, but get this, he lied. He literally just said no. They didn't ask
for proof or if he was taking any medication. You know why? Because if they did, they would have been called racist. Anyways, he was on medication. Thanks for making
the process so easy, he said. He's actually sticking it to us in his fucking note. Police
believe the Bangladeshi brothers on Saturday shot dead their father, Tuad Islam Islam 54, mother ironed Islam 56,
77-year-old grandmother,
a tafun Nessa,
who was visiting from Bangladesh.
Ugh.
Why does it say graphic of his letter?
Thank you, producer.
Hey, everyone.
I killed myself and my family. i'm gonna die i might as well
get some attention he said i'm gonna cover four very important issues i encountered throughout
my life who knows some good uh might come of it he says you're fucking crazy the plan was simple
this is his plan this is the from the note the plan was simple simple. We get two guns. I take one and shoot my sister
and grandma while my brother kills our parents
with the other. Then we take ourselves
out. The blood
bath was a result of both brothers battling
depression, he wrote.
I've had depression since ninth grade, 2016.
Not the
damn I failed my test depression, everyone
says they have. Well, white people don't say that.
Only real smart Indian Bangladeshi kids do.
He says, not the depression like, hey, I flunked my test.
More like, I only cut myself twice today.
That's better than usual, Farhan wrote, saying his brother's condition was much worse.
He said, the dude is a fucking genius, but he's too depressed and socially anxious to do anything with it.
I believe all this part. The first and most important show we watched, get this, here's
where it gets weird, The Office, Ferran wrote, bizarrely calling the show one of four very
important issues I encountered through my life. He then ranted about how the show should have
ended when Steve Carell's character Michael left because eventually it went to shit.
Oh my God.
That's what every sitcom does.
After about the sixth season,
they're running out of material.
This guy should have been a showrunner.
He could have been like,
no, let's cut it here.
King and Queens, you're losing.
Ranting at length at the plot and character development that enraged him.
How American is this?
We're so media driven, this nation.
It just leaks into all facets.
People say the finale makes up for it, which is a complete lie, he says.
Sure, it was cute, but it doesn't justify
the last few shitty seasons we had to deal with.
Saying he had a lot more I want to say,
but hey, life is short.
Ugh.
I wonder what Steve Carell's thinking
when he reads this one.
Imagine, probably call the fucking network.
I told you four seasons was enough look what you did you
got blood on your hands i'm glad they weren't like i know they're too young but they could
have been gilligan's islands fans and then they had that episode with the holland trope
holland globe try to save them imagine I could have went nuts if I had depression.
I didn't buy that premise at all.
How fucking horrible, though.
Imagine.
And that's a case,
because, you know, really smart people are on borderline crazy,
and they do have a lot of,
I know somebody I worked with in Hollywood
who's a famous star, sitcom,
who battled depression, Medicaid,
you know what I mean?
Borderline genius, insanity type thing.
Some people are too smart for their own good.
Like me, I'm happy.
Retarded is bliss.
Let's go for a bike ride.
You guys want to see some amazing footage?
This doesn't even relate to the show,
but this is why I love the internet.
You wouldn't see shit like this.
I, uh, this one, a quad bike rider lands on his feet after flipping through the air during
a crash while video footage shows a helmetless quad biker.
This is an England, uh, smashing into the back of a park.
Why was that car in the middle of the street?
into the back of a park why was that car in the middle of the street jace uh then he he hits the back of it ends up doing a flip i related to this because i've told this story on the show before i
got hit by a car when i was like 10 or 11 years old and what saved my life was i was standing up
on the bike why was i standing up at the time there was no seat on the bike and the cops and
everybody witnesses said i would have went under the car otherwise lady hit me from behind she was high on fucking weed my friend
ended up being my friend kevin gaffney saw it out his living room window he just happened to be
looking out the window said i did a back flip in the air smashed the windshield with my head
and rolled off the hood after the car stopped skidding i just remember waking up and looking
at my bike was this big.
It was crushed.
And there was a lady over me with a bail on.
I was like, what the fuck?
There was a wedding going on across.
A bunch of people saw it.
I wasn't as lucky as this guy.
What's this guy?
Half cat.
Watch this.
He flipped.
Is that a brother? He flipped. Is that a brother?
He flipped.
Only...
You got to be shitting me.
He actually flipped.
This lady doesn't get how amazing that is.
She's too calm.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oh my god.
Again. I want to see that again.
I think he's a brother.
I swear to God, that's the athletic ability.
It doesn't matter.
But was God not with him?
He lands on his feet.
I understand.
I mean, you see that on a football field, you freak out.
You know how many people die slipping in the bathtub every year in this country?
So what's the model?
Replace your tub with a fucking BMW.
Whatever he hit.
As another quad rider pulled up,
the survivor brushed himself off,
walked around his own bike.
I can't make this shit up.
Wow.
How did he manage not to be seriously hurt? One viewer responded, according to
Birmingham Live. No helmet. He's very, very lucky. Another commenter said,
quad bike riders do not need to wear a helmet in the UK because they're adults.
Although it is recommended, the government says they don't have to wear those. Meanwhile,
I'll see if, you know, ayear-old guy on a Sunday in the
woods down here with a helmet on, riding with his kids, and I want to throw up blood.
Anyways, that is it, ladies and gentlemen, for today.
Check out Greg Gutfeld's new show that started last night at 11 p.m. on Fox News Channel.
He's doing it every night now.
So we sort of get a little bit of balance to the late night shows, all those other left-wing pussies who have caved.
Some of them who have done their shows, and I like them personally.
But I think, you know, media pressure.
Greg is very refreshing.
Kind of a panel thing sitting in a circle,
very loose, self-deprecating. I thought it was pretty good. That is it. Don't forget
thecomicsgym.com. That's where the permanent home of the show is. Cameo.com. If you want me to roast
one of your friends or relatives, go to cameo.com, click on my profile, tell me a little bit about
the person. I will make a personal video on my phone.
Send it right to them.
You can also say happy birthday, you know, happy anniversary to your parent, whatever.
Make the day or break the day.
I'd rather destroy it.
That's just the nature of an asshole.
Cameo.com.
Nickdip.com.
Click on the tour button for my tour dates.
You guys think that I will say it.
You're very welcome.
We'll see you back here same time tomorrow.
Have a good day, everybody. guitar solo I'm out.