The Nick DiPaolo Show - DeSantis Destroys Nikki | Nick Di Paolo Show #1508

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

In this episode right leaning comedian Nick Di Paolo talks about Christie's bow out, the debate and more! Like what you hear?  Get TWICE as much "Nick Di Paolo Show", full episodes of Steven Crowder���s “Louder with Crowder” show and more on Mug Club! Sign up today to get all their content at https://Nickdip.com and use the promo code NICKDIP to get your first month FREE! For Tour Dates, Merch, stand-up clips and more visit https://nickdip.com 

🎵 Good morning, my neighbors! Hello. Hey, fuck you! Whoa. Oh, T. Hey. Welcome to the show. It's Thursday, final day of the week for us, anyways.

How you is? How you was? A lot of big news. Sports-wise, a couple of legends. One of them hanging it up and another one leaving. And you know who I'm talking about unless you're a fruit cup and a big girl. No, even the big girls know who saved it. The big girls like football.

They're actually trying to start their own league, I heard. That'll be terrific. Tommy Nicky, that's my manager, just texted me. Is Dallas still out of town? Jesse Waters is looking for you to do the show tonight. Yay! It would be so good if we could do it right after this. I know.

But I got to say, yeah, because I was busy the other night. Couldn't do it. Yeah, do you know what, though? Don't forget to promote goddamn May. Oh, I'm going to talk right over him. He's going to go, now, what do you think of Biden? Is he going to be the nominee? And I go, May 11th, Red Bank.

I'll answer it then. I'll be like on trial, May 11th, Senator. I don't recall. Red, did I mention the Count Basie Theater? May 11th. Anyhow, any he. Whoops. So that's that.

I was looking to just lay down like I always do. I'm so fucking, actually went to bed at a normal hour. I don't know what the fuck. I don't, I might have sleep apnea. I got a feeling, because when I wake up,

I feel like I've been up all night. Even though I'm having these fucked up dreams, and they're always negative dreams. I'm always trying to get out of an airport I'm not familiar with. Well, that's why you're exhausted. No, you're right. No, you're right. No, you're right.

It's like living that experience. I wake up with that mental, like I was trying to get out of an airport all night. It's that or I'm at a school. I can't find my law. It's all anxiety-based. Some shrink would have a field day with me. It's always the same, a sporting event

or I'm doing stand-up. I can't find the state of my notebook. I'm looking all over the building. They're waiting for me. But it goes on all night. Then people are giving me wrong directions to the stage. And then next thing I know, I'm playing football in England. And then I'm eating pie.

It's the most fucked up. Soccer or football? Good point. You know what I mean. Fucking American football. You know, I mean. Fucking American football. You know, in London, that one game. Yeah, it's all, and the Sopranos did that the best when they did dream sequences.

I watched one last night. It's Soph Toney's, you know, he's in a coma and it's fucking hilarious. At one point, he's in the living room on a horse. On a horse. Then he's driving, then he's in the backseat of a car. His dad's driving, who's dead. He looks next to him. All the guys that he's whacked are in the car with him. I mean, then it jumps to him, him at a restaurant with Annette Bening,

and his teeth keep falling out as they're talking. He keeps spitting his teeth. I mean, dude, I just can't say, I know you guys are sick. I can't, I can't pull myself away. Anyway, let's, let's move on with this fucking final day. The big news, and I do mean big. The big baby, not one of my favorite people, Chris Christie. And that's hard to say about Italians. He bowed out yesterday.

Former New Jersey governor, Chris Crispy. You know who I'm talking about. They should play that music. He dropped out of the 2024 Republican race. They should play that music when they're on stage. He dropped out of the 2024 Republican race. He was doing so good, nobody knew he dropped out. Good night, everybody. Presidential race.

But not before getting caught on a hot mic, instead of a hot dinner, blasting his rival, Nikki Haley. The only reason I'd vote for Nikki Haley, I would love to have a president with a black stripper's name. And rival for what? The worst candidate? Yeah. Yeah. That's how you and I feel for sure. But you notice I go on New York Post. Again, they're owned by the same people on Fox News. I'm trying to read an article. Nikki Haley's ads are going by. It's so fucking, once you know how the system works, it really is depressing. Anyways, blasting his rival Nikki Haley, he said she's not up to this on a hot mic. And mocking Florida Governor Ron DeSantis as petrified.

We have the audio of him on the. How do you not know if there's a fucking hot mic? You're about to go on... I guess this is right before they said... Anyways, here's the audio. Yeah, I mean, look, she spent $68 million so far. Just on TV. Spent $68 million so far. $59 million by DeSantis.

And we spent $12. I mean, who's punching above their weight? And who's getting a return on their investment? And she's going to get smoked. And you and I both know it. She's not up to this. Y'all fat fuck, look at you. What a baby.

Nobody wants you. How many times are you going to try? Go put on a fucking baseball uniform so everybody can see your fucking camel toe. You know how to even a Republican create? He doesn't realize because he's been in New Jersey his whole life. I think when he French kissed Obama on the beach after the hurricane, that pretty much did him in.

Seemingly unaware that he could be heard to anyone waiting for him to take the stage, Christie added that DeSantis called me petrified that I would. What does that mean? Apparently referencing, oh, leaving the race before another person said, he's probably getting out after Iowa. DeSantis did call Christie shortly before his announcement to thank him for taking part in the 2024 campaign. A source familiar with the exchange told the New York Post. Then the source added, Christie complained again about Haley, telling DeSantis she was a joke, had performed terribly, and was not up to the task.

terribly and was not up to the task. And again, they asked Nikki Haley to comment when she heard that. Y'all fat fuck, look at you. And that's all she said. She went off to Calcutta. Anyways, let me just say something about Nikki Haley. Very like, she's a nice woman, a smart woman. Even has a bit of a rack from the angle. And I think that's important.

Don't you, folks? That's what's important. It's not what's in her heart. It's what's covering her heart. Fucking left hip. No, she does. She seems like a really pleasant person. But again, globalist money, big donors, and the fact that she can survive at the UN makes me nervous. You know what I'm saying? On that note, let's take a look at some of the clips last night. As you know, Nikki Haley went one-on-one with Ron DeSantis on CNN. What does that tell you? And then they used this

right after to shit on Trump. It's unbelievable how all this is orchestrated. Oh, there's a picture of my house. I don't know why that's up there. Okay. First one is going to be on issues and lies. Oh, you got it on the thing. I didn't realize that.

All right. This is going to be both of them talking about, you know, on some of the issues and lying. I'll tell you right now, throughout the debate, Nikki Haley, every time DeSantis said something that she didn't like or thought she thought was, she would go, because there's a website called rondesantislies.com, something like that. She said it, they said 14 or 15 times. And after the fifth time, what it turned, what it started to sound like was liar, liar. It's clever the first two times, but then it made her sound like she's liar you know it it it's clever the first two times

but then it made her sound like she's just saying he's a liar about everything i think it kind of backfired on her i i thought the santas was fine anyways here's the first clip donald trump's running to pursue his issues nikki haley's running to pursue her donors issues i'm running to pursue your issues so what we're going to do is rather than have him tell you all these lies, you can go to DeSantis lies dot com. It will cover the fact that he's only mad about the donors because the donors used to be with him, but they're no longer with him now. And that's because he's upset about the fact that his his campaign is making a difference between me and me. I listened, no, no. I debated the governor of California, Gavin Newsom. I thought he lied a lot. Man, Nikki Haley gives him a

run for his money and she may even be more liberal than Gavin Newsom is. Oh, goodness gracious, hello, wheeze. But you know what was good? I mentioned this, how they should do this instead of, you know when it starts off with eight people on the stage. I told you, we talked about it yesterday, round-robin tournament. Whoever has the highest number going into the debate gets, you know, go out to debate one-on-one with the lowest guy and second goes to seven. But, you know, and try it that way.

You could string it out if it's about money and ads and shit. I don't know. I'm sure there's plenty of flaws in that, but this isn't a real show. So shut it. Before I move on, in the second half of the show, hopefully if we get to it, I'll be talking about what Eric Adams did to prove once again how Democrats put Americans, even kids, last. And I'll be talking about a famous actor we had brought up on the show before, a star of a popular TV show, seriously injured in Gaza.

Like in critical condition. His dad said he's not going to die, but we had mentioned him a couple months ago on the show. That's exclusively on Mug Club, so join now to get it at nickdip.com. Hey, boys and girls, head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, T-shirts, hoodies, and more. Head over to nickdip.com to get exclusive hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and more. It's yet another way for you to support the show and look sexy at the same time. You can also get signed copies of my previous specials and all of the Nicker shirts. Just go to nickdip.com and click on store. Again, that's nickdip.com.

Click on store. Thank you guys so much. See you soon. Clip number two. This is on Israel and Hamas. Roll it. Security. This is the UN way of thinking that we're somehow globalists and we have unlimited resources. It has never been that Israel needs America.

It has always been that America needs Israel. When she was at the UN, she supported the idea of a two-state solution between Israel and the Palestinian Arabs. The problem with that is the Palestinian Arabs don't recognize Israel's right to exist as a Jewish state. If you would have listened to what I said at the United Nations. Pause. If you would have listened. That was a kid with a mom. Make me a fucking sandwich!

That's when he's yelling at the TV. I didn't hear you say that, that's why. Anyways, if you were listening, what do you think, I watch all your fucking TV appearances? I'm busy running a state. A big real state. Although I like Nikki Haley that she was the governor of the red estate. I'll give her that mic. Go ahead. Two-state solution wasn't something that was possible

because Israel would always come to the table and the Palestinians wouldn't. But it's really rich that Ron is going to act like he suddenly cares for Israel when he brought the person to Iowa that's the most anti-Israel Republican in the state, the person that went and voted against Israel's right to exist in Congress. After she said that, Ron goes, that was just some cheap garbage. Without even looking at her, it was some, the guy's name's Barrasso or something. Whatever, that could be true, could not. This is a blood sport, man. Look at this guy. This fucking, is anybody more pompous than Jake Tapper? First of all, you need to know about Jake Tapper. He started off at Fox. So who's the real Jake Tapper? The one that was on Fox News Network or this one? Did you

just jump for the easy money? Right? Fucking, he always looks like he's smelling shit, too. Just a pompous douche. Can't stand him. I heard he doesn't like me. He's going to have me on the show to tell me to my face. That'll be terrific. Let's move on to another clip. He's going to have me on the show to tell me to my face. That'll be terrific. Let's move on to another clip. This is Haley on illegal immigration. Governor DeSantis and also Donald Trump are attacking you for that comment in 2015 in which you said undocumented immigrants should not be called, quote, criminals.

At the time, the full context is you said, quote, we don't need to talk about them as criminals. They're not. They're families that want a better life. Son of a whore! And not their families who want a better life. Do you still feel that way? I saw them when I was at the United Nations. I saw them. That doesn't mean we should let them into our country. I mean, first of all, I will tell you that when I was governor of South Carolina, we passed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country. Obama sued us over it, and we won. We fought Obama on illegal immigration. We fought Obama on migrant kids. We fought Obama on Syrian refugees. We fought Obama on Guantanamo

Bay prisoners. I have always said we are a country of laws. The second we stop being a country of laws, we give up everything this country was founded on. Is that what you said? Did you really? You know what's funny about illegal immigration in South Carolina? Well, they go to all states now, but I'm saying Northerners, Americans from the Northeast are pouring into South Carolina. There'll be some nice knife

fights. Once these libs come down and they see how nice it is and they become red and some Dominican tries to steal a Christmas present off their porch, Once these libs come down and they see how nice it is and they become red, and some Dominican tries to steal a Christmas present off their porch, it's going to get fucking ugly. Folks, it's an experiment that I think Bill Hicks said,

but it's an experiment that's not working. Okay? Only because, again, I'll say it again, they should have slammed the door after the last European came over here. Okay? You can't have a thousand cultures from all over the world living next to each other, especially when you have a government, the United States government, encouraging them to stick to their, you know, values and be proud of your ethnic.

Nothing's melting. It is all melting. That's the problem. Everything is melting because they won't actually assimilate. It depends what your idea of melting. That's the problem. Everything is melting because they won't actually assimilate. It depends what your idea of melting. I'm using it, obviously, as a melting pot. It's destroying the country, yes. It's melting the fabric.

It's like a baby's pajamas playing with a lighter. You don't hear that on Hannity, do you? They're like, no. That's why we watch you. Yeah. So, anyways, that was haley on immigration and then ronnie desantis who and i'll say again i thought he was good last night he look he is on he makes weird faces like well she's talking he's going um i find it endearing when somebody is not that comfortable on TV because that's

not what we need I mean Trump's an exception this fucking guy this guy should be hosting the Tonight Show while he's president but you know back in the was it the 90s there was a Admiral

somebody an old guy remember running for president and he couldn't hear, and everybody was making fun of him because he couldn't hear during the debates and shit. Meanwhile, he was an admiral and served this country, and I thought that was fucking horrible. And then I remember Dennis Miller saying the same thing as I thought.

That's why you don't like him, because he's not good on TV. You know what I mean? That really fucking rang a bell with me. Anyways, DeSantis, can I just say, he could, he'd be fine. But this room is about him being kind of a, you know, all the big donors went to him at the beginning. I think they jumped ship. It's too late. I got your money. Here's DeSantis on illegal immigration. She's talking about that they're all families. If you look right now at the border, these are military age males, many of them.

And they're coming from all across this world. Nobody's mentioning that. Not just from Central American facts. You found them from China, Iran, Russia, the Middle East. I was down there a couple years ago because I've sent people down there. You had people from Libya and Haiti. This is a ticking time bomb for this country. There are, of course, going to be terrorist cells that have come in.

It's like the lowest cost way to be able to harm this country. Just send people across the southern border. Nikki Haley also opposed the border wall in 2016. She said that she ridiculed it when Donald Trump was president. I'm telling you, you need a wall. You can't trust politicians to do this. If the wall's there, it's a physical fact of life, and it's a huge step to restoring this country. Look, I'm just going to throw a pen at him.

As far as the wall goes, I'll say it again. All right, I'll go for the wall if there's a thousand soldiers on top of it, behind it, in front of it. Millions. Then the wall works. Otherwise, it's just a fucking fence anybody can get over it even if all around the right exactly you you don't think these fucking people coming over from the middle east know how to dig a tunnel what are you shitting me half a mass is probably showing them how then you get the mexicans they have plenty of ladders because they're

always working on people's houses um like i said make make it look like the green monster. It'd be terrific. So I'm for that, like I said, why a wall when we got flamethrowers and we can make our own IEDs and shit. Well that's against the Geneva, Geneva, Geneva? Geneva Convention? Yeah, what convention was that? Joe Geneva? Get out of here. Get out of here. Anyways, finally with these clips, the debate, you know, they always, this was a good question. They ask each candidate, well, what do you like about Nikki Haley, Mr. DeSantis, and vice versa? And it created some beautiful, a beautiful, awkward moment. I like the way Nikki Haley handled this one. She wasn't about to kiss his ass.

She must have already had the answer prepared. But it made for a nice, awkward moment. And there's a live audience there. So you'd think, like I said to Dallas, you'd think it would get a huge laugh just the way it got a giggle. But people are so uncomfortable and talk. America, lighten the fuck up. Let's have some fun while we're going down. Let's have some fun while we watch our empire crumble. Here's the closing questions for each of them. What do you admire about Governor Haley? You know, at the United Nations,

I did think that she spoke out strongly on some key issues. And I appreciated that. I also appreciate the state of South Carolina. And I think to be able to have been governor there is a great achievement. Governor Haley, what do you admire about Governor DeSantis? I think he's been a good governor. Okay. The fucking room, the wind just gets sucked in.

Why wouldn't that get a huge laugh? That's the only thing she said that made me like her. I'm not going to kiss his ass. Oy, oy, oy. I like the fact that he admitted to wearing lifts. She could have went nuts on him. Do you know he's only 4'11"? And just fucking lie your balls off,

because it's the last question. And they throw it to commercial, you still yapping. Anyways, while they were doing this, a couple of things. My boy Vivek Ramaswamy ran a local ad in Iowa. So when they go to commercial, the local affiliates, it was an ad. We showed it yesterday, right? Of him saying, shut it off. They're all fucking bought and paid for. And it's so true. This was so CNN. I mean, I almost think CNN, look, all the left, including the media, first of all, they don't think Biden's going to make it. I think they want him out. CNN would

rather one of these, I swear. CNN would rather Nikki Haley than Biden, I swear to God. Maybe I'm wrong there, but because Biden's embarrassed himself for the last three and a half years. He's finished. While they were doing this, Donnie Trump was having a guy who never rests. By the way, do you notice how he's lost like 25 pounds, they said, or something? Got to be Ozempic. I've hit a wall. I'm at 205.

I can't budge. What the fuck? What, am I going to get cancer to get slim? I don't like this. I'm getting a facial today after the show, by the way, and not a dirty one. She's going to ask what his name was. Yeah, Kevin. Boy, you saw right through me.

He looks good, Trump, don't he? Let your hair go gray. If you want to look more pretty, let your hair grow. Some guys don't go gray, believe it or not. But I think he... Anyway, we'll just show one clip from him. He was having this town hall in Iowa, I believe.

Well, they were doing their thing. I'll try to piss on their parade. Sure. More people watch me, they say. Biggest town hall ever. So here's him talking about, Martha McCum. Ask him about his potential running mate. Who would be in the running for vice president? Well, I can't tell you that, really.

I mean, I know who it's going to be. Give us a hint. I'll give you. We'll do another show sometime. What about any of the people who you've run against? Would you be open to mending fences with any of them? Oh, sure, I will. I will.

I've already started to like Christy better. They love him. They love him. Hillary loves him. Good shot at the way, Christy, that's all we have of him. I actually watched,

I recorded him, and then I realized I had a bunch of first 48 hours I had to watch, because it's really important to find out who killed that lady in Tulsa 21 years ago at a Dairy Queen. I'm sitting

home like this. Like it's the Rockford Files. Anyways, that was the one comment. Hey, for those of you on Mug Club, I should have said this a minute or two ago, stick around for the second half of this show. Everyone else go to nickdip.com

and get my full show, Steven Crowder's full show, and a whole lot more. And while you're there, get tickets to see me live May 11th at the Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey. We're already up to close to 300 tickets, and it's still four months away. That's not a bad sign, folks. Again, it's

1,500 seats. Please, if you ever wanted to do anything for me, show up at that one. And like I said, if there's illegals that want to come in, I'll buy him a fucking mochaccino. Whatever. guitar solo Bye.